My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 150: Wolf School

Episode Date: April 29, 2013

Halfway to 300! Thanks for sticking by us through all the years, gang. We appreciate your unswerving listenership, even when things got kind of hairy. Speaking of which, today we're talking about Randy Quaid sex tips. Suggested talking points: Correspondence, Total Wedding Recall, Ladysmith Black Travis, Kid Battle, The Quaid Coin, Shame Rectangle, Hankerin', Garlic Salad, Rib Ticklers

One, two, three, four! My brother and El wrote on me Have a rare, have a radio station you see We try to give people some simplicity To understand their problems endlessly We try to be solvers of problems And solutions to them We try to give them hope and encouraging again and again

That they will get wisdom and understanding We try to see the sunset at the end of a storm When things are torn We try to help people find out Solutions not for problems all about We are psych psychologists Giving people the best through their impressions We try to understand the world

Just like a guy tries to understand his girl Hey everybody, welcome! Gosh, what an honor to be here at the Washington, D.C. Press Corps Correspondents' Dinner. Man, wow, filling in for Conan and O'Brien at the last minute is a lot of pressure Especially since they had to get three people to do it Yeah, and we're all huddled around this microphone Let's just, let me try the mic

Go ahead Let's just start out with this, hey New York Post, you're a bunch of racist pieces of shit And everything about your fucking shit rag sucks bloody cocks Fuck you guys to death Haha, good one My farts that come out of my butt are better journalists than you real human beings You giant fuck, you fuckholes That's pretty good

Let's try something political, maybe a little lighter Griff Yeah, okay Give one of the politicians kind of zing them Yeah, just one real quick for the Fox News Correspondents I hope all your kids have diarrhea to death That's just where I'm at right now Do you have one for like any, maybe like maybe you want to roast a politician? Oh sure, sure, I've got one for basically every congressman

All that stuff I said about Fox goes for you too I ran out of stuff because really once you wish dysentery Once you wish like the tenth plague on a group of people you can't really get much worse than that Okay, great, well okay, I see we are getting the wrap up side, thank you so much Thanks, fuck everyone here, thanks, thank you Can I get this to go? No, no, you don't have any boxes or anything Anderson Cooper you're okay, Wolf Blitzer, you're on fucking thin ice dog You goofed the Boston stuff, that's usually really solid

But you goofed all the Boston stuff So I'm Justin McRoy, I'm Travis McRoy I'm Griffin McRoy, sorry for the harsh words I had a great bit about Senator Lindsey Graham having a woman's first name That was actually the joke, that was not a bit Was he the dick pic guy, he tweeted a dick pic? Who is the dick pic guy? Lindsey Graham is the one who hates all goodness and purity in the world

Okay Probably because he got teased a lot for having a girl's name I'm talking about Tony Weiner who recently just got back on Twitter And his first tweet since getting back on Twitter His last tweet before this tweet was, looks like I got a hacked or something Super didn't get hacked Unless the hacker had intimate logins And his first tweet back was an app mention of his own name

And that was the entire contents of Twitter Good job on Twitter, Tony Doing pretty good on Twitter so far Tone Tone, tone low This is my brother, my brother made an advice show for the modern era We had a haul, we were, we could have taken questions Griffin I don't know why you had to be so...

Everyone fucked up, everyone fucked right up Like at the dinner or just like in general In both like the press and politicians Could maybe take the night off from goofily zinging each other And just like, maybe do one thing right instead of that Maybe just do a thing right Can I be honest with you guys? Hit me

I, I realize now like I made that joke about like could I get this to go Do they actually eat dinner at the corresponding dinner? I don't know anything about it but I imagine it's a pretty good spread, right? They had halibut and filet mignon Like at the same time? Yeah, they baked a filet mignon inside of a halibut And we got people starving on the street while they eat fish steaks It's not right, everything's wrong about it

Good job fucking up guys, here's some halibut This isn't how Benny Franklin would have done it President Ben Franklin Our greatest president I feel like we've checked about this Franklin being president before I think we've done about it before That's not because we're on original, it's because we're fucking dummies Since we're idiot children

Let's help people That would be our penance My fiance and I want to get married Problem, it's expensive Not to mention the hassle Starting to think we should ditch the big ceremony reception ordeal And just elope someplace nice Is there any way we could get away with that without being disowned?

That's from marrying in Maryland In this day and age eloping just means like going to the courthouse Like he's not climbing to your window and sneaking off at night What Travis and I are doing has become the counterculture A courthouse wedding is, I feel like the norm I feel like 96% of people do that And then what Travis and I In our exaggeration, I think about half the people I am friends with

Have been married in a sort of non ceremony That's an anomaly because it's usually closer to 96, like I said Sure, right I don't have all the numbers in front of me So what Travis and I are doing is adhering to some archaic ceremony It's a ritual, it's like a blood ritual Do you know what I mean? It's practically aboriginal in nature

I am very cautious now when we talk about marriage Because the last time we addressed like ceremonies That are perhaps like on their way out We talked about the preponderance of people who were the man Asked the woman's parents for their daughter's hand in marriage And oh manzies, there are some people who that irritates The man alive, that was a boy, howdy, firestorm What were people irritated by?

That apparently our was Virginia values Are not good enough for urban, hint hint wink wink America, I think I don't understand what urban wink wink means Urban, you know, urban and Keith Urban Because we got a lot of emails from Keith Urban I did that and Travis He's not Australian Wait, is he?

He is, good, okay I did that, I asked Rachel's parents for permission And I know Travis did something similar by which I mean he asked Teresa to ask for him Is that not a good thing to do? I think it is, I think that apparently it really made people mad I think there's a better way we could have phrased it I think if you talk to, I think the way we specifically addressed it was Asking a dad for his daughter's hand in marriage

Oh no I think the preferred sort of approach now is maybe talking to her parents beforehand And letting your intentions be known So it isn't completely like catch them by the willy Before we actually help this person, I think the problem is No, this is tied in, I think it's all sort of tied together I think the issue is the image of asking for Or the appearance of it being asking for the daughter

Right, that was not how I... I think that is what seems sexist because you're saying like Hey man, I take your property, yes you may I didn't frame it like that, there was no exchange of wampum Like I just said, hey, I'm gonna do this thing if that's cool Is that alright with you? Is that cool with you? And they actually, their actual response was

I didn't think people did this anymore They were grateful, but they were startled at it Please take back your crates of beads and blankets I wrote up actually on one of those bicycles where the front wheel is like enormous It was a very kitschy pre-proposal I think that you've hit the nail on the head, question asker Because I think that at least a lot of people that I talk to you that still do The big weddings, especially as it gets close to the crunch time

Of the actual ceremony, and they're like Oh my god, it would be so much easier if we just went to the courthouse And got it over with Usually it has something to do with, but my family would kill me Which is never a reason to do anything But like it is something, it is a factor that should weigh on your mind I will say this though, if you don't do the big ceremony reception Which I get, and I understand that

Don't ask, like don't ask for gifts I think those two are pretty well tied together Well I don't know, unless it's like you frame it like a payoff for making them not have to get on a plane Like I am making you not fly here in return, how about two blenders What if you only sent out invites and saved the dates to people you knew couldn't make it And then you didn't have a reception or ceremony and just got the presents Huh, huh, okay I'm actually happy to

Which I mean, this is a long con, this is a grift Don't get me wrong This is a grift with what I would classify as a relatively high possibility of being completely fucked It's gonna turn into a movie because your great aunt that lives in Hawaii is gonna show up And you're gonna have to stage the whole thing last month Yeah, exactly I don't know We started out thinking that we were gonna get out of ours on a dime

And Boy, oh, Chef Boyardee Were we wrong about that price tag Who I think that's true, I think of everyone Because like Tristan, I thought we were gonna reinvent the wedding You know what I mean, it's like What I would say, you guys haven't been through this yet

What I would say to this question asker I understand the expense is an issue I do think that there are some clever ways to sort of handle that in a way that really makes sense for you You can personalize, there are no rules Just right, weddings are like the outback What I would say to you is that that day where we had all of our friends and family in one room Sort of seeing us off as it were on this metaphorical journey that is marriage That day means a lot to me

Like remembering that day and thinking back on it It makes me feel really entwined with all the people that were there I wouldn't try that day for anything Now, of course, I did minimal planning and didn't pay for mine So like a lot of the specialness Maybe it's like Christmas Christmas is much more magical when you don't have to reduce the magic yourself But once you get into the price per memory ratio

Is that memory a 15 large memory for you? Because that's some total recall shit That's some like coming to the memory sphere This will cost you 20 million credits to remember the time that you fucked an octopus What? Ink me Ink me, you whore? Ink me

The octopuses don't have whores, the squids What? Octopuses don't have ink, did I say whore? Yep, yep Octopus is a very moral creature It is, that's why you gotta pay 20 million space credits To simulate the octopuses anyway You guys want an yahoo?

Yeah, I guess This yahoo was sent in by Ira Ray, thank you Ira Ray It's by yahoo answers Are you Ira Ray? Who wants to know? We did it, we did it! We did the setup, we did the call and response Now the bit can die

Now the bit is dead forever Goodbye bit, have a good run This is asked by yahoo answers user SP who asks How do I find my place in the circle of life? How do I find my place in the quote circle of life like Mufasa told Simba to? I feel like I've forgotten who I am What does it mean to find your place in the circle of life? And also, what does it mean to know who you are?

Good question Mooooooosifania That's step one Have you guys heard Travis's one man Lady Smith Black Mombasa cover band? It's called Lady Smith Black Travis I like this question so much because he asks How to do these things

And then he follows that up with, by the way, what are these things? I think if your dad didn't hold you up over a cliff when you were born Oh my god, that was, I feel like there was 1990 Those are all words I know Yeah, you were doing really good 94, 95 With a sudden rolling high Stop, stop

It was definitely the I'm king of the world of neonatal dads Every neonatal doctor in the fucking biz From like 1995 to 1996 Every dad He would be like, oh good Yeah, like the movie Like the Lion King film, the animated motion picture that came out Even Michael Jackson got in on that trend

And we crucified him for it Well, he did it wrong He did it wrong No, he didn't do it wrong, he did it big Just the way MJ did everything, Travis He didn't though, because he fucking covered the bit Like he didn't proudly hang him over the edge And let people take, he just very briefly was like

He did it in the creepiest way possible He was like, just con-dangle these little baby toes Bye That's all he did He's the worst Except his music was so good I'm conflicted now We're like, I think the literal way

Is you fucking jump into the zoo pin And get eaten by a lion And then that lion poops And it grows grass that a buffalo eats And then you're inside the buffalo I think the good news for this question askers I doubt very much that like on your deathbed Somebody whispers to you like

By the way, you were supposed to be an astronaut What a wonderful service that would be You blew it You blew it Just before you go, before your light flickers and dies I just want you to know Let's tear- You've got a married hidey clue

Let's tear open the envelope Ah, fuck I hate to see this I can tell you what it doesn't say It does not say quicky lube attendant You have done fucked up Now, what is the alternative? The alternative is that some people have somehow

Jumped the track and have gotten your spot Yeah, he was like, oh shit You were supposed to be a quicky lube attendant, Mr. President Nice work, how'd you jump that? I mean, where is your place? What is it? What is it? Alright, let's start What's the circle of life?

Circle of life, are we talking about food chain? Are we talking about photosynthesis? I think it's the life-death circle The endless circle that is Life and death Well, now we're talking about like so many different things Are we talking about, you know, reanimation? That's not what it's called

Oh, Jesus That fucks up the circle of life right good though, doesn't it? Are we talking about zombies? No, that's the figure eight of life Cause then it's the mobius strip of life Yeah, if you, I mean, we're at the top of the food chain There's not much And that's why it's such an insult

When one of us gets eaten by an animal Because it's like, oh, what are you doing? We're better than that, you know? You can bounce that out whenever somebody gets mauled by an animal I eat a lion Just to keep it all on the line Just to let them know what's up Why aren't one of the three of us like a mad hunter?

Why aren't one of the three of us like a general Are off-esc Like ivory for days Why? There's probably a lot of reasons If you, we get a lot of people asking us Will you guys come out and do a live show In our area

And the answer is always no Unless You can arrange Some sort of hunt Where we get to shoot something Beautiful Perfect And hopefully from the Lion King

Now I want to be clear here I love animals And so I don't want any of those Peter guys calling me I just want to kill one You just want to kill one And let me tell you this You better have some trim on hand

Because I'm going to be fucking rock ready to go I want to kill something And eat its heart To get its power You know what I mean? Sure, like a Mega Man boss Now I have legs of an antelope Spraying

Are you saying to me That if you killed an animal From the Lion King, you would become rock hard One bigger than me You remember when Go Daddy killed that elephant And we were like, boo Go Daddy But then at the same time You think about like

That guy has to be Stiff till November And just imagine that But if it was a person Now listen Are we talking hypotheticals or Always on this show Listen, let me say first

If you're a police officer You legally have to stop listening If you're a police officer, you have to tell us Also, we're going to talk about lost spoilers Unless you want to know what happened Or should I Or both, God forbid That's, I don't know, Justin

You're getting into an uncomfortable territory for me Hunting people is uncomfortable? I would never hunt I don't think I can do it I feel bad when I'm fishing Although I do remember when kids used to get out of school In Huntington because the first day of hunting season Well, I mean it wasn't called

Fuckin' Macramayton Was it? Huntington, was it? Nope, nope, sure wasn't called that Wasn't called Skateboard Town It was not called Skateboard Town So I don't know what to tell you

Mathsburg, we're all kids do math For fun I've been dating this wonderful girl for three months now Things are going great, I'm like half I'm like a sentence in, I'm bored of this question No, it gets good I hope there's some conflict We're finishing up our first year of school

When we return in September We both lived in the dorms this year We'd like to live off campus in the fall But the thing is, she's dead set on living a house together With four of our friends This seems like a big leap for such a new relationship I haven't explained to her, but she insists we'll Have each have our own space

And there'll be four other people living there If we're not really moving in together I shouldn't worry about it Am I wrong for being hesitant? I don't want to miss out on what could be a fun experience I just know if we break up Together completely miserable, that's from Causious in California

In front of you, right now That's me putting my head Underneath the pin that you're going to put I'll care if it stabs you, my brain kills me You have to not No, I'm going to tell you this, straight up Look at your girlfriend and say, honey This is worse than if we were just moving in together

It is literally the worst Situation That you could be in Because here's what you're piling on top Right, so these other people you have to get Used to living with, six people in the same house Like, that's Bummerton, I don't know how big this house is

But we've got a huge company house That our actors stay in, and there's six people there And like, it just Breeds the occasional fight, because you're sharing bathrooms You're sharing living spaces Plus, if you and your girlfriend Have fights, the rest of the house Has to deal with it

And vice versa, if you're like Neck and on the couch, they're like Oh, god, again They're trying to watch Lost And you're trying to make You're trying to make Fuck juice, and they don't want to see that Well, they're finding out that the polar bear

Is escaped from a research facility Which had spoilers We didn't warn you ahead of time to be fair I just think that Three months is wicked soon to move in with somebody Even if your shit is going perfect Moving in, like living Especially if your shit is going perfect

Now, counter argument Theresa and I moved in together after three months You were obviously meant to be, though Well, that was the difference, because we literally had the conversation If we're gonna move in together Are we gonna get married? Jesus obviously molded both of you from dust To be each other's partners and do infinity

Obviously So I guess if you And at no point did I ever worry about breaking up with her Not that I'm saying there's anything wrong with your relationship Because I think that's perfectly normal To think about when you're a freshman in college And you've only been dating someone for three months And they want to sign a lease

So I'm just saying that it's probably a very smart of you Very logical of you to say Honey, we're only 19 And we've only been dating three months Let's just live in the same apartment Building if that's the way you want to go with us Even that is fucking a tall grass It seems like the weirdest

No separate leases If you move in with somebody After three months of dating I personally think that's a little fast But, if you are You fucked up Travis Sorry Trav, but if you're dead set on it But no, Travis it was a risk

And you came out on the winning end I'm saying that could break bad Oh god, yes What if you have turned out to be a huge dick Travis? I know Right, I know it wasn't going to be Teresa That fucked that deal up

She's an angel But if you Like, living with other people Is not We've talked about this before I feel like ad nauseam But living with other people that you're not dating Is like the pits

And you could get to a point where you need out And that is going to be tough on your relationship If one of you hates the situation The other one doesn't It's a lot of strain I feel like this situation is going to put a lot of Unnecessary strain on On you guys

Unless Let me hit you with this It's a new reality show I'm thinking about pitching to the Fox reality network Are they still in operation? It does not exist, go on Not functional, solitary Put them out of business

I just started watching that show with Rachel It's on Hulu Finally My Hulu Plus subscription page Doesn't stream to consoles I hate you with this So young couple They got to be sexy

I'm just assuming this And then the four people That they live with For a year So like the budget of this show is going to be astronomical Just in terms of like tech We're going to have a lot of cameras, the editing For years of the footage

Each of the four people Try and seduce them away And if you can make it through that If you can make it through that year long gauntlet Of strange sex Then you not only win $50,000 Which admittedly is not a lot for a years worth of game show

You also Know that your relationship is legit Because you fended off The Sex Wolves That's the name of the show is Sex Wolves I saw that coming I didn't think that seemed to be a pretty good name for it The Sex Wolves

Here's the other twist Once a month Actual wolf Released into the house Or Everybody dresses up Like furry wolf humans Just to add another layer

Another Another layer to this onion of sexuality It's called the onion of sexuality It's the web Companion piece Wait, so you're going to record a year of footage And then put it on a 5 minute webisode Well, the companion piece

It's going to be action packed One time it was transmedia Oh We're talking serial We're talking action figures You can have sex wolf serial Exactly Start your day in the sex wolf way

Is there any Is there any Maybe you've got legs at all for a reality show But also as a practical Like if you guys can make it It could be like maybe you're 90% sure You want to test that other 10% Here's how you test that other 10%

Here's your litmus test Go fucking live in the worst situation imaginable And if you can make it through that Your aces Can you guys Is there some way you guys can buy yourself Something amazing Or like bury some cash somewhere

As a reward at the end of this So at least you'll have something to cling to When things get bagged But remember we put $50 In that safety deposit box We bought a trust fund They're young They're young

They're so sexy They're very sexy and sexual They're sexy and sexual And that's why the wolves That's another element because wolves can smell sexuality And they will hunt them So I zone it out for a second Is this actual wolves?

Once a month Fucking read The fucking script Your elevator pitch has gone off the rails Wait are you telling me sex wolves is scripted It's been scripted this whole time I knew it Only for the wolves

The wolves have speaking lines What do you gotta shoot today Bill I'm doing another pouncing scene They want me to deliver this I want to fuck you And like how am I The first one was supposed to be a howl Like my heart's not even in it

Wolves can't read Well that just is a reflection Of our school system Can we just send our wolves to school What kind of nation is it Guys stop Wolf school It's a new concept

Of all these mass shootings in our schools The only way to protect their kids Is wolves Wolf school 2013 Every track sounds a lot more like an 80s summer Every child in the American school system Had a wolf

We would look at gay with thrones To protect mass shootings We put in Armed volunteers in our schools But a lot of those Startling amount of those And perverts How are we going to get those out

Wolf school The wolves apparently have a taste For kids too What are we going to do now Flood the school Flood school Shark school The wolves have learned to swim

Kid battle Battle royale Battle royale But with more sharks than wolves For property values If your kids have to go to wolf shark school The flood I don't know Debra

I like both these houses The kids are going to have to go to a flooded school Full of wolves and sharks There's so much gerrymandering Because the wolf school has such a great football program That's the other problem Plus I mean the fame That's a lot for a kid to take on

Fame of getting eaten by wolf sharks We've been breeding I did though It's all script and executive producer credit Let's go to the money zone What do you guys about Mark Maron He's a podcaster Just like us, he's got a new show

Coming to IFC, it's called Maron It starts Friday 10pm on IFC It's a fictionalized version Of Mark's life I mean it would have to be Because he makes a podcast They got to sex it up I guess

I wouldn't watch a show about me Would you guys watch a show about you Definitely I might if it had Judd Hirsch, Gina Gershaw, Aubrey Plaza And Adam Scott on it Which Maron does And this week's episode

Is one of my heroes, Dave Foley Who Griffin and I saw in LA once He gave me a Kurt Heddon Oh really That was a big moment So you guys are like best friends Basically In this week's episode Mark

Yeah I guess this week And this week's episode Mark and Dave are going to go after an abusive fan On Twitter That has been tormenting Mark This really is like my day to day life Only it starts with Mark Maron So it'll be funnier

He's the creator producer And again that's Friday's at 10pm on IFC So don't miss Maron If you didn't know anything about it Maron does sound like a private eye show right A little bit It sounds like Castle

Castle I'm not sure what's going on in that show Burke's Law, yeah he was like a writer And he was like solving writer powers to solve crimes But now he's like a proper detective Except he's really smarmy And he's getting a little chunky

Don't you dare How dare you There's some chunk there Not on Mark Maron though He's thin and he's got a podcast And he's got a show about it called Maron It's Friday's on IFC At 10pm so tune in

To that While you're watching Maron So check out the Morphe webcomic That's at morphe.thewebcomic.com Morphe is how that's pronounced I've recently learned Oh our producer just popped his head into the booth What's that?

What is that Antonio? Scarpacci from Wings Our producer is Antonio Scarpacci from Wings Cause he's fake so why the fuck not It's fun, it's just called fun guys It's just called using your imagination for fun Morphe is a really

Actually it's cool It's not like a standard webcomic It sort of blends It's coded in flash but it's scary And you have to click through it So It takes advantage Of today's technology

You know so many webcomics You could have read them in an analog Format This takes full advantage of internet Sometimes I just print out Webcomics just so I don't have to Think about my life And sometimes I print out

Webcomics if it's a really good Ziggy And I just want to keep it on the wall And when I'm reading E-Ziggy Man, that guy in technology Do not get along Morphe is not like Ziggy Or like Marmaduke But you can find it at

morphe.thewebcomic.com Very cool Very spooky It's got sounds I think I can't print it if I lose its interactivity You could do like a flip book Can I turn my speakers up and make sure it does have sounds It does, I'm clicking through right now

Oh Jesus Christ Okay I actually just got Scared by the webcomic My speakers too much I will caution you To not do that That is podcast history being made Justin scares himself

Made a podcast Okay morphe.thewebcomic.com Go check it out I'm puked Okay You puked me You know what Speaking of puked or spooked

Or spooked Let's back off Our usual XR approach When coming at the extreme restraints Marketing Let's rally around our marketing team Let's talk about something that doesn't involve Nine foot long sex logs

Okay Here's what we got You don't know where to start Why not pick up An adult instructional book Don't let the kids Find these Unless you want a cool kid who understands a woman's body

How old is that Appropriate starting with the youngest I want my two to three to four year old To understand a woman's body There's about seven things wrong with that You can pick up the ultimate guy To flay teo How to go down on a man

$17 I think it's felonio I was at my felonies class The other day And my ties are still burning You get on a recumbent bike And you blow a guy Here's a good book

It's called Jay Wiseman Tricks to please a woman Jay has put his name before the title Which seems a little braggy to me But you know what That's confidence in your product Let me pitch this question to you guys

Whose name Would have to appear In that book's title For you guys to bite Al Franken You just said the first name that came to your head Nope It said

Like a word that was obfuscated Somehow maybe it was fuzzy And then it said quade You're getting one of the quades You're getting one of the quade sex tip books Wait, do you know? You don't know the quade The first name has been obscured

Somehow But it is definitely a quade You have a famous quade guarantee So you're not just getting some Hammonegger quade off the street Okay, it's a famous quade at least You're flipping the coin One side is Dennis, one side is Randy

I think you would know Pretty quickly, even unlabeled Hit her vagina with a sandwich Ah fuck There is a book here called Um Masterclass Pregnant Sex There's a picture of a pregnant woman

She's holding her breasts And it hopefully has the label Sexually explicit on it Which is I think Is a little redundant But again, you can pick up All this stuff at extremestrange.com If you use the coupon code FANNYTIME

You're going to save 20% on your order And it's all shipped discreetly This is one of the only kinds of information That I would want to get out of a book instead of internet Because if you search internet like How do I do good sex to a woman Or

It's just You're going to be flooded If nothing else, do yourself a favor And just go to extremestrange.com And just kind of browse The nice thing is, unlike other sex stores There's no creepy person behind the counter judging you Doesn't hurt to look around

Unless you're in the library Then don't do it If you look around, you can probably find someone to jerk off to Oh yeah, I think I bet Or lady jerk off to No, I think it's called you gilling off At that point

Can you not ever again Please sir If you would not Please don't It's not weird Why does female pleasure make you sick? I would have no way of knowing You know that feeling you get

When you hear a song that you just love What about a new movie or a new book I'm Jesse Thorne My show Bullseye points to the good stuff in popular culture The kind of stuff that will change your life In-depth interviews with cultural creators Critics picks for the best new releases And a weekly recommendation from yours truly

It's Bullseye with me, Jesse Thorne From maximumfun.org And P-R-I For years I've been heavily into The video game and nerd culture in general I have an upright glass case In which I have my pop culture and video game related articles Such as a replica

Lightsaber and video game figures I'm trying to be a woman And I'm horribly self conscious about my glass case Making me seem like a man child Which I guess I am Since I have this in my house I'm trying to make change be more appealing to the opposite sex And I feel like this glass case

Makes me seem immature The problem is My friends have given me many of these things If I throw their gifts away or sell them I'm afraid they'll be a little hurt by it My friends' feelings are at the same time trying to present myself As an actual adult To potential romantic interest

That's from glass case of emotion, Cincinnati This is a damn good question Can I real talk for a minute? Because I have a real serious non-funny answer We haven't had any of those so far So please Okay, here's my real talk It has nothing to do

With the items in your home I don't care what it is that you've collected Or what it is that you have It is the person that you are That determines whether you're perceived as that thing Or not. I've known lots of people That had toys Or sports memorabilia

Or anything And that is not who they are It's just something that they happen to I know a guy, one of the coolest guys I've ever known He's a really successful director around town Has an awesome wife And he has all these amazing little 10 soldiers And I've never looked at him going, oh he collects toys

Well that's fine Travis I've never recognized that there's a limit Like in everything else to this question Where if the things that you are collecting Is like tentacle porn anime busts Then maybe yes That's a bad That's going to be a turn off

For 99.9 repeating percent Of people in the universe I have to say I'm a big fan I think he's already made the most important stride Um And that is to put like You're displaying in a glass case Like that seems to me to be like

Okay you're not It's not a decorating motif Which a lot of people go for And if you want to that's fine But to me this seems like A little more regimented It seems more grown up to me You're saying this is my display

This is this part of my life Everything that's not in there doesn't belong To this part of my life It makes it seem like a facet Of your character rather than just Your personality is I identify as a nerd Yeah exactly right

Now if you're someone that like when you have someone Over the house the first thing you do is Now come look at my case Maybe that's not a good way to go Try not to talk like comic book nerd from Simpsons That's not going to help But if it's something where someone's like oh what's all this That's just stuff I've collected over the years

Well no because there's got to be a happy meeting Because you just sounded fucking ashamed Oh that's my That's my shame rectangle Please don't acknowledge it That's why I embarrass you Don't get on my case no that's just a little joke I make Come on over

Get the fuck out of there That's limited edition I said leave That's my mad martigan willow Special edition figure It was a chase item He has you see only one eyebrow That's worth 17 dollars

Are you going to replace it? I didn't think so I don't know This is so alien to me I'm such a big ass fucking nerd And I don't know This is something I feel like I struggle with a lot Maybe less than I did when I was in college

But like I've always been a big nerd But I have never been fast To like To show it To like have things displayed in my house That act as Insignias from visitors Like this is this is the kind of shit I'm into

Yeah it's funny like I have stuff But I've never like crossed that line Like I have like one thing that if you're looking carefully You'll see my collection of California raisins And Houdini action figure And Doctor Who stuff But like no one's going to see it surface level right away This is oh man

See I don't know like I I feel like if you have things That make you happy That that is the most Important thing and that's who you are And like I don't think I think if you're holding on To stuff because your friends gave it to you That's a bad reason

To to hold on to things because I guarantee They don't care I mean they really don't No unless you're holding on to it because it means Something to you because a friend gave it to you Well he used the word store It's just intimately the word you use For sentimental presence Yeah sure I'll yeah fuck it put it yeah

Sure how long A month yeah I guess I've put away so many I've put away my childish things As I've grown older And then I bought new things on ebay I bought captain power toys Because those are nostalgic for me

They make me really happy so like I have So you basically you refresh your stock Of childish things like the bible tells you so I got that elite childish stuff That That Seem more collectory They seem like more like

Harder to come by Like fishy balls No those don't count There is a difference between Hiding something because You think the person Somebody's got to think less of you And hiding it because it's not the image

Of yourself that you want to put out there Because I think that those are two different things I mean like I do think we have A I think we have a problem in a lot of facets Of what people would call nerd culture Not being able To distinguish between things you like

And things that you are I think it's just I think it's inherently unhealthy to Self-identify based on Media consumption Of any kind Because if you do that with nerd shit And say you're a nerd

You're painting yourself into a corner But on the flip side If you just watch Independent art house films from the 1930s That's me That's where I'm coming from Is I'm independent art house movies From the 1930s guy

That guy sucks too That guy's not very great If that's the only thing that he uses to define The shape of his character That's what I'm saying is I think the problem is When you have something in equality like that It's overwhelming to Me I'm jazz guy

I'm sports guy Let me tell you all about my sports team That's what I'm talking about for the next two hours Because it's literally all I know Like nobody likes that person No matter what it is Start trying to put things in your house That keep people on their toes

That's what I'm saying Have a knife somewhere Just somewhere Half a mummy Which have you asked? Players choice doesn't matter You guys want a yahoo? Please

Spankings? How do the birthday spankings? I am Brazilian I'm 24 years old I graduated in law in the United States And I am doing post graduation Also I have friends and relatives here Like this country

Tomorrow is my birthday as tradition Is the birthday spankings? How this game works? Is it custom here? I'll have my birthday party tomorrow Thank you Oh how it works is awfully Common Here in our country

I'm so glad you came to us Welcome On your birthday You should find people You don't want them to be too close to you So someone you're more of an acquaintance with Or Most desire to be law school buddies

Perhaps professors would be a good fit here And You go to them and you say hello It's my 24th birthday And I got a A hanker for spankering And you turn around and you show them your hind quarters And you say go to town James Brown

Are we talking about bear tushy? Or are we talking Because you have different levels You can go pants under pants bear tushy Or like three pairs of pants It's up to you Do you want to get like a belt in there Maybe an extreme restraints pain paddle

Of some sort I think you really need that Contact to really get the emotion across Sure Just say my tushy is 24 years old And I need to knock some of those Some of those years off So please go to town

Out of my butt It would be great too if they had like a little water bottle And they could spritz a little moisture on their hand Before each one Just so you get that really nice wet skin On skin action It is also important That they give you quote one to grow on

In quote or you will die Yeah numerically let's talk about it Are we talking one per year We're talking about like 18 is an important birthday Should maybe we double up on If I remember correctly When I turned 18 Nani doubled up The amount of money she sent me

I got 36 dollars So double up on the spankings I think it's every prime number You do an extra Whatever the Last prime number was So I mean once you get up Until like you know like 97 years old

Is that a prime number No 37? 97 is good Anything ending in 7 Except for 27 Maybe some others Just don't let them put their finger in your butt

Oh god no That's so ghost that's like the french way of doing it It's like getting a wet willy We were doing something else I Have not thought about birthday spankings In Like if you had asked me about birthday spankings

15 minutes ago I think I would have said I'm not sure if that was Everything or not like I'm not sure I would have fully Recalled birthday spankings But then you remembered the joy Of the game of birthday spanking Said this person It's not there's no

There are no combatants There are no goals And goals and points And a win condition There's no fail state There's no fail state Everybody wins One swat with a hand of paddle for every year of birth

Not supposed to be too hard Hey, yahoo answers user David B Disguise from another country Can you maybe go easy on him Like you are fucking You are putting forward the stereotype You are making it worse for the rest of us Foreigner you understand our traditions

Stupid I think not supposed to be too hard is Don't spank them too hard Griffin Not that it's not supposed to be Well then he's fucking goofing him twice Because it's supposed to be very very hard Sorry that's another thing that we should have mentioned Oh it should take off a little bit

Oh my god it should hurt They should be physically exhausted They should feel like a Rail splitter at the end of his shift By the end of it that is why old people Walk so funny Your butt should look like the face of the guy that looked inside The Ark of the Covenant

It should be all melty and bones in there Your butt should be The fourth type of substance plasma It should be between states It should be like cold shouter It should be like cold slurry I wish people would stop fracking my butt How about it

Uncle Sam Do you have the courage To stop big Big cold from fracking my butt They just keep shooting water And loosing stuff up down there I don't know how fracking works I'm just getting tired of

All the butt top removal Because it's getting hard to prop myself up in a chair You know politicians keep claiming That there's clean butt There's no such thing as clean butt Babies butts aren't clean There's like original sin in there No

Though I will say at extreme restraints That they do have a series of enemas That will guarantee a clean butt One of which you just attached to a shower head Holy shit really That sounds really convenient Can you propel it all the way up your body So it comes out your mouth

No pressure really It would come out of your belly button It's like one of those safety drains In a sink I started a new job this week The office often orders lunch For everyone paid for by the company My co-workers eagerly eat the food

And I have been game for the first week I want to be social part of the group But at some point I want to bring my own healthier lunches How can I make this change smoothly With my delivery devouring co-workers That's from dining dilemma in Dallas You missed it already because you had to say You had a gluten allergy

Yeah but here's the thing What if they're really conscientious And then they start ordering things specifically To accommodate your And they're like it costs a little bit more But we care about you Susan So we want to make sure you don't die Why don't you just say

That you're a fucking 30 year old adult I'm assuming you're 30 You want to fucking eat your own food That you picked out for yourself Because that's one of the great privileges That adulthood brings you You don't have to eat that stuff Say you're trying to slim down

Who can't appreciate that On one hand this is a totally perceived problem Because I doubt very much That any company is going to be like But I wanted to spend more money on you Or that any of your co-workers Will be like oh man there's more sandwiches For my fat fucking face to eat

Nurt Why isn't she eating the Jimmy John But then on the other hand This just might be me Because I am a gluten The idea of someone saying Hey I'm going to get you free food And you'll be like no that's mean

Eat that food you want that food It's not free though because you helped earn that money You worked so they could get those profits And it's going to feed your face Maybe you could arrange a deal where it's like Instead of getting a sandwich every day Just bring your lunch in a paper sack That says Rebecca on it

And then look sheepishly and say Yeah my Nana packs them So I have to eat it It's just a thing She packs it for me every day and I love her so much I'm not going to have her much longer So I'm just going to keep eating my lunches for the night And then when they're like oh is Nana your grandmother

They're like nah she's my servant I'm not going to have her much longer That depreciates She's my giant dog You open the bag There's a bone in there And it's adorable Dirt again

It's just a bag of glass Can you just not bring Here's the one thing I would request Is somebody who worked in like close quarters For many years Can you not bring something That stinks For your lunch

That used to fucking kill me When people would bring like Salad And they would bring it It's just a big bowl of cloves of garlic And it would heat it up in the microwave And the whole office would smell like a taxi And it made me want to die

So please don't bring That goes the same way if it smells good too Because then you're sitting there in the office going What is it Oh god now I want that You need to bring food that doesn't smell You need to bring A tube of nutrient

Slop By which I mean gogurt Did they make healthy gogurt All yogurts healthy it's got protein I guess that's true I have a yahoo answer if you guys will allow it Yes This yahoo was sent in by help please

I didn't say I would allow it Travis can I have your I will allow it It's so antiquated to ask your Travis's permission It was sent by Alex Krasminski Thanks Alex It was sent by yahoo answers his help Please who asks

Where do I put my hands when making out And I am a girl Straight up in the air Like you just do not care I like that Or maybe like you're on a roller coaster Because when you're making out with me You sure as hell are

Oh what if you did that thing where you were kind of like Rapidly waving on like you were being electric You did That's gonna be exhausting And she sounds like she's in the long haul I feel for her because like As a dude I feel like making out is means to an end

To get your hand on those So letter dogs But When you're a girl it's like you don't have any That's my favorite Koopa Goody Jr Hands down Lots of people like Jared McGuire But I like sweater dogs

Just use your head to steal his wallet Because he's not gonna stop you Especially if he's a young boy Do you understand what I'm saying When you're a guy and you're making out It's like how are you gonna grab those boobs And as a girl it's like you don't have a secondary objective You know what I mean

Yeah but that's jumping Six or seven sharks That's like you are skipping some steps there You shouldn't be making out on sharks Unless you go to shark school Somebody suggested Shoulders, thighs, ribs After a while on his tap handle

Which I guess is his dick Whoa, whoa, whoa His the creepiest word in there Do you want me to specify the creepiest word Because it was ribs Let me just Just play you like a xylophone Let me just

Let me imagine what would be inside that cage What's in there You know I've got one of these ribs We synced up Steven Thanks for the rib Shesu Thanks for this The problem is you want to be careful

Because if you don't sync it up right You could end up breaking one or both of your arms None of these suggestions are good Except for the dick one I guess is alright But shoulders Thighs Let me just Let me get you right there buddy

Let me get you right there buddy Little tickles Shoulders Give him an Indian rub burn while you're doing it Shoulders seems like you're trying to stop the guy You're just very bad at it Like that would be the signal I would get from shoulders Maybe stick your fingers inside his ears

Maybe stick your finger down his throat Hold on There's something I like to do It gets in real wet Oh god Maybe go for his boobs Yeah He just responded

Put her hands in your bonkers Sir You have none of that You have none of that Everywhere in your hands You are batting a thousand for wrongness For mistakenness It's his insinuation

The best thing to do with your hands Is to take his hands and put them on your bonkers Is that the insinuation What are bonkers What aren't bonkers You know where you can touch a woman That will really drive her crazy Where's that

Her heart I learned that from milk money I learned to fuck from milk money I feel like even answering these questions Is heteronormative of me I feel like I have to keep Qualifying on my pronouns and stuff Because I want everybody to feel included

That's a good point What if there's a girl making out with a girl Oh sorry Slow down Well then it's like Where can't you put your hands There's fun stuff all over I don't want to be offensive

I'm going to walk a very delicate line here But there's got to be a moment where both girls go for the boobs At the same time and then they just kind of They play patty cakes accidentally Now we're just Let's stop making out Let's just play patty cakes This podcast is brought to you by Baptists

We don't know any better I think Regardless of gender Or sexual orientation Go for the ribs Maybe little punches Do those punches Like she doesn't kill Bill

Where you put like your hand flat And she's trying to break out of the coffin Oh yeah I'm trying to break into your heart That's really going to Accentuate some stuff But all the wrong stuff Just don't make out who makes out anymore

Just fuck or Eat some food You know what I mean Who's got the time This has been My Brother My Brother Meets It's a show that we do every week We sure hope you had a good time listening This week

Thank you to those tweeting about the show and sharing The love We got Dave Test SW Rickards Lucky Tristan The Marine Nicole Introvert Oh my god this is 150

Oh Jesus we've done it Thank you For our amazing Theme song Our amazingly fantastic theme song For Mr. David Leibhart Do we want to put that at the beginning or the end? I feel like at the beginning

Would be a more special way Of beginning the show Okay So thank you to him for that It means a lot I think he's really actually captured the spirit of the show Better than anybody else could have It's a collaboration that's been long in the works

It's mutual Also just a reminder make sure to check out Marin on IFC at 10pm This week with Dave Foley make sure you don't miss it He's one of my comedy heroes Thank you very much That's at 10pm Friday May 3rd

The Marin Show I want to thank John Rodrick and The Long Winters For the use of our theme song into departure Off the album Putting The Days To Bed Thank you to John Rodrick And The Long Winters Still waiting on that new album

I know it gets out a lot Probably but The people just want to dance Oh and our favorite Marine Tristan Is shipping out to Afghanistan soon So a couple of Mbem Bambinos are throwing him A kind of going away

MBMBAM meetup In Washington DC So if you're interested it's going to be May 25th At 130 and right now it's being planned At the Capital City Brewery In Arlington, Virginia If you want more details

They posted something on the forums Maximumfun.org Or you can just email them At packyourbagsdc At gmail.com And they'll give you all the details Um this final Yahoo Was sent in by Ira Ray

No we already did it Thank you Ira Ray, it's right it's dead It's by Yahoo Instance User JJ Who asks, how do you say beanbag chairs in French? I'm Justin McAruy I'm Griffin McAruy This has been my My brother and my brother and me

This has been my brother and my brother and me It's your dad's square on the lips On 50