My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 151: Orb is Horse

Episode Date: May 6, 2013

Can you guys even imagine how psyched we were for the Kentucky Derby? This is a day about honoring the best that horsekind has to offer. It's about the cream of the crop among a species that is already cream of the animal crop. Yes, please. Suggested talking points: Acid Magnate, Second Place, Pony Regrets, The Best Testicle Day, Murdermask, Wolfwhistles, DuckTales

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome to my brother and my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era, and it's the most magical day of the year for us horse aficionados. It's Kentucky Derby Day. Um, I'm gonna just sip and I'll just, you know, melt julep, and I'm gonna watch the ponies run. Okay, wait, what the heck? You're melting at the end.

It's like a southern gentleman whose face is melted. I was up, but that's how I earned my horse race. I said, I said, boy, boy, my face is falling off. I'm the owner of a, I'm what they call an acid magnate. I love the way the mint leaves. You've got to feel turn them out with your teeth. I actually hate that. That's why I can't drink juleps. It's like, hey, you want to work while you drink? I'm hoping I can get through the entire race without my action winding down because I'm TikTok.

That's good. A good joke tip for everybody is if you name what you're referencing when you reference it. Yeah, it's comedy 101. That's what they taught us at comedy school before we could do this podcast. I wanted to tell you guys that I was looking at the horses, and there's one that I wanted to point out to you specifically, and it is my favorite name of a horse that is running in the Kentucky Derby. And here it is. Are you ready for it? Yeah. Orb. You know, I am Orb. Orb won the Kentucky Derby. Well, of course, because he has the maximum amount of space,

the maximum efficiency of space used in a geometric object. Well, he also has the most streamlined name. Everybody else has those longs, like Steven's left shoe or something, and then it's just Orb. Yeah. What if Orb was a sentient globe that insisted he was a horse? I am Orb. I am a horse like your Earth horses. You must admit me to the race. I am horse. You are not horse. I am horse. Do not pay attention to how my horse legs don't touch the ground. I am a hover horse. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I am horse.

Please, please, into oats, into my oat deposit slot. I am horse. I am not an Orb. I am named Orb. Provide me one metric cube of sweet glycerin, and I shall tell your fortune. And also win your primitive horse race. Also, I am a jockey. If you know of any jockeys, I do need one, please. One with preferably a long, a really good wingspan I'm going to need because I am spherical and 20 feet in diameter.

You might need to paint him with some kind of glue. I'm ironic, I know. I must win your horse, your Earth horse race so I may make love to your Earth horse women. Did you guys say your names because mine's just an Orb. Orb is a very sexual being. I come from the advanced future of 5024. Everyone is a geometric shape and everyone loves to party. Please find me a horse that I will not crush to death.

And make sure she's down. Make sure she's down to clown with a sex ball. Because Orb is also only about consensual sex. Orb knows that real men take no for an answer. Travis. You want to say your name? I'm Travis. I'm Griffin.

Um, were there any other hits? It's because I watched part of the Derby yesterday and I don't remember seeing anything that really... Usually you'll get a... My favorite part was when Cube just sat there. Fucking Cube, terrible horse. Cube bad. Yes, Cube, you are bad. Cube not fair.

Cube not go good. Cube need a push. Horse other horse pull cube? No. No. Let's help people. What do you think? Okay.

I guess we can do that. I'm ready to help. Last week I asked a close girlfriend of a friend. Oh Jesus. You can do this. Cube bad at reading. Cube bad. Cube is bad.

Last week I asked a close girlfriend of a year and a half out on a date. I'm a dude, BTW. She said no. Meanwhile, in the week since my rejection, I have developed feelings for her best friend. Oops. My question is this. Is it too soon to pursue a relationship with her bestie? And that's betwixt in Bristol.

I love starting off the episode with these easy lobs. This easy lob, uh, no. Definite. Whoa, hold on. Justin. Of course it's too soon. Too soon for what? Here's why.

She turned him down. Let me convince you. He's worried about. Let me convince you. It's not about feelings. It's about. Nothing's about feelings. No, it's not about feelings.

Cube doesn't have feelings. It's about, like, if, okay, so you ask out her friend, she says no, and then you ask her out. It doesn't look good. It makes you look insincere. It's my worry. It makes you look like you're going, well, I'm just going to keep asking everyone out till they say yes. I was going to, I was going to ask if you think her friend knows that she asked her out,

but like, of course she does. Yeah. That's, that's ridiculous. So I think that's the problem. I think you come across as just like, oh, okay, not you. Well, what about you? And that, that's not a good way to start a relationship. Gosh, you know, that's a weird, I'm not, I'm not familiar with that sort of, like,

shift happening. Nobody's ever turned Justin down for a day. It's never happened. God, no. I've never been, well, a dozen times, but like, not like. It hasn't happened. Seriously. That hasn't happened once.

It's happened many, many more times than- Many once. Many oncees that have made- A baker's dozen of oncees. Yeah, it's true. It's- Once I get this baby weighed off, I'm going to be out there though. I'm going to be, you watch.

I think, I think, I think you got a point, Travis. I think that this person is not going to be able to divorce the fact that you literally just asked out their best for, like, it's just, it's probably not going to go well. Also, you need to take a long look in that deep, dark, truthful mirror and figure out, did you just meet this best friend and that's why you developed feelings for her? Or was it the person that you wanted to turn you down?

And so, like, maybe if they accuse you of just wanting sloppy seconds, maybe they're not too far off base if you got to know from somebody and immediately look to your right and we're like, well, you then. Okay, here's an unlass. Isn't that contrary to sort of what we tell people who put too much emphasis on asking someone out on a date? Like, doesn't that sort of- He didn't say that though.

He said he developed feelings for that person, which is like, I don't know, it seems like a weird thing to do literally in the week since her friend turns you down. Like, it really does seem- Here's the unlass. What's the unlass? Unlassed, she also has feelings for you and you've, you know, like the whole thing with the best friend was-

See, that is what I was like envisioning. And you vision met her. Yeah, when I read the question, I envisioned sort of like a- her friend in the glasses was there the entire time helping you to write love notes and then you didn't see what was right in front of you. But the thing is, the only person that could answer that is you. You think the only person who could answer that is me? Travis, how would I have any insight into this thing?

No, Justin, the royal you. The royal you. Or also- Yeah, it's capital Y-O-U. Orb could probably shed some light on this situation. Odd things go for it. No, Orb. This really is some Midsummer Night's dream shit.

This is some, I think what this person needs to do is get both of these women together. Go in the forest, get a little pixie juice up in their eyes. Right. And then one of them will turn into a goat and then- Have you seen Midsummer Night's dream? It's been a while. Yes, I've seen the fucking- Yeah, Travis, I saw the Shakespeare production that you guys did.

Of course I did. It was a special day for me. Anyway, one of you turns into a goat and a ghost haunts you and then- There's Stanley Tucci. Watch out! But it's like a modern remake. So like, it's got that sort of Boz Lerman touch to it. The original was a remake by Boz Lerman.

Him and Billy Shakespeare were best friends. I don't know if you guys knew that. Boz Lerman is 50,000 years old. He's clean livin'. Clean livin'. Clean livin' and regularly just expelling his artistic juices. That helps him to decompress and continue to live. You guys want a yahoo?

Yeah, please. This yahoo was sent in by Marina Baker. Thank you, Marina. We really should have done this at the beginning of the show. It's from yahoointerviewsr123 who asks, My mom got me a pony but I didn't want one. I already told her before a million times that I don't want a pony. I've never wanted a pony and I don't know why some girls are so obsessed with the thought of

having them. And even then only little kids like ponies. I'm 13 for fuck's sake. It doesn't say that. I could have gotten so many other things for the amount of money she spent on that effing pony. It's just because she wanted a pony as a kid so it's her present for herself. Wow, what a fucking great birthday. It's boring and I don't know what to do with it.

Even a real horse would have been better. But still a goddamn waste of time and money. How do I get her to bring that piece of ass back? I don't want an eff. Does she know that like a pony will become horse? Given infinite amount of time and oats, horse do be, pony do become horse. Right.

Pony be horse. Pony be horse and definition. Pony be horse and definition. Ponies. Pony be horse. That was actually one of my professors in college. Dr. Ponies be horse. Man, I, what kind of lack of imagination does this, does this...

What do I even do with this? What do I do with this? You can do anything with it. Dress him up. Take him into the woods. Take him into the woods and go on an adventure with him. Re-enact the first scene from Walking Dead. Yeah.

Well, not the part where... Well, okay. Not that, you know, that, you could pretend like you're, like a Kentucky lawman. Yeah. Yeah. You can play Little Justified. Dress him like a horse and dress him like a dog and then walk him in the park.

Just really fuck with people. Just really mess with people. I'll say, like, okay, from a functional standpoint, I think we've covered the fact that there's infinite things you can do with a small horse. Hopefully we've, with this vertical slice, horse possibilities, we've demonstrated that. But think of it also as a status symbol. Here's what you do.

You call your friends over and say, check out this fucking small horse I got. Or call your friends over and be like, I got a new Xbox game. And they were like, is that a horse in your backyard? I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But check this out.

Yeah. Check out my Tony Hawk jump. Is that, do these still make Tony Hawk? No, Tony Hawk's just there. Her mom buys her a lot of shit. Sure. She bought me a young Tony Hawk. I hate it.

It's boring. It'll never be able to do the 900. It will someday. It's some kid shit. Just feed it some oats. I can't believe that even I, I don't got place for a horse in my house. It would just eat up the herb garden.

But I would still be kind of psyched to have one. You know what I mean? Now a horse does seem like one of those things that I would be psyched to have for like a week. And then the reality of the situation would sink in. And I'd be like, oh. I can't do, I don't know where to keep this. Are there places? There are places like people run places to put horses, right?

Nope. No, they haven't invented that yet. Nah, too bad. That's a good idea. You should kickstart that. Thank you. You should kickstart it. Can you think of really quick off the top of your head?

What you would call it? Horse homes. No. Horse homes. Horse homes. Hoof in. And but it. Hoof in and it's I in in.

Right, exactly. I'm not sure. No, mine was better. I'm not sure a business like that would be stable, Trev. Oh, Christ. See what we did? I did see it. It's poor.

You can't unsee it now. What's the arrow in the FedEx logo? I usually, I like to stay away from derogative terms that people use for women. But I'm going to have to bust it out in this instance. Because this this young lady is being a real fussy hussy. Oh, man. Don't see any other way around it. Can you believe that?

Let's call it out like I see it. I guess. She is being kind of a fussy hussy. What kind of person when given a horse by their parents? No matter what age you are goes. Oh, fuck you, mom. No, I get it. I get it.

This mom's pulling this shit all the time. She buys her like the Linda Ronstadt record that she didn't give. Here's a signed David Cassidy poster. Exactly, exactly. And she's not thinking about how the fact that she wants, she wants like backstage passes to see Neo or Drake. She, you know what this seems like? I bet you that this situation could really be mended with a little freaky Friday magic.

Oh, man. But then what if the mom's like, no, this is great. That's what I'm saying. I don't want to switch back. Freaky Friday magic. This girl is obviously, she hates her childish things. She's 13 for fuck's sake. You know what I mean?

She wants to be, if she was 41, all the better. And the mom would be like, cool, I'll take your kid body. Now that I'm 32, I can attest to the fact that any freaky Friday situation that I was in would not culminate with me trying to find a gypsy to reverse the spell. It would culminate in me buying a bus ticket and getting the hell away from whatever could reverse this because, oh my God, I have it back again. Whatever this was, I have the gift, the inner, the life, the vibrance. That's what you don't see is the kid trapped in the 42 year old body going,

everything hurts and I got to pee all the time. And I'm sad for no reason. And the adult and the kid body being like, fuck y'all. And I'm out. I'm going to go flip them. We're going to bounce. I'm going to go burn a truck down or something. I'm so vibrant and full of life.

And the, the kid and the adult body is like, why am I gleaning satisfaction from a clean house? What has happened to me? Good night, sleep you say. Yes, please. That sounds fantastic. I got to turn in. I'll take your fucking pony.

I'll take your fucking pony. You're ungrateful. You're ungrateful. Are there any Yahoo Answers people volunteering to take the pony off their hands? Because that's what someone on Yahoo Answers really needs is a pony access. Port, uh, Morbert Alterson says, poor pony, frown face. I'm sure it doesn't feel that way about you. Try being friends with it.

You don't think it's mutual? For one moment that the horse goes, I wish you would just come out here. What you think that pony rolls up day one and the little girl's like, you are a waste of money. That pony's not going to be like, well, fuck you too then. You realize I'm fucking majestic, right? Like I'm God's most majestic creature and yes, my fee was a little exorbitant, but you know what I mean? You just got to spend money to make ponies.

You can't make it on without breaking a few ponies. Exactly. I can't imagine that like a horse that isn't going to get ridden all the time isn't kind of jazzed about that because that horse will still get fed oats and that's all horses care about. The horse could keep living its life and it's like, if there was such a thing as a sentient backpack full of concrete that I had to wear from time to time, I would not want to be buzzed with it. I would not have it look into my charcoal dead eyes and my four beautiful powerful legs. If it looked at me and didn't think like, oh, I'm going to climb on your back and be really heavy

and try to let you try to break your spirit, break you. That's the terminology people use for horses, break him. I think the pony's going to like him from afar. One of the Yahoo! answers users said, tell your mom quick, you don't want it and you want her to take it back. Can you imagine that pony store like seeing her walk up with the pony and she's like, yeah, she wanted to return it and they're like, she wants to, I don't even understand what you're saying. This child didn't want the pony. We don't have, hey, Dale, do we have a return policy? We don't. We never, we never pinned one because this is, this is fucking unthinkable.

Let me call HQ. No. Okay. I called pony HQ. This has never happened. This is literally the first time. I guess you can have your money back, but it's, it's a use now. We're just going to shoot it. It's already formed the bond with your shot. Once it's imprinted, like we can't give it to someone else. She's just going to keep showing up in your backyard. Right. And especially when your daughter has her life threatened because the pony has a life debt after your daughter. So of course she's going to be there when she's in danger. Right. Oh God. No, I think you can reverse a pony imprint. I think if I went up to this pony with a teaspoon of sugar, you'd be like, oh, you're my, I guess I'm yours now.

Oh, peanut butter? Life debt? Life, life debt's on you. I'm a sophomore in college and I'm not having any fun because I have no friends. I have the opportunity to transfer to a school where I already know people. The problem is all my credits won't transfer. If I stay where I am, I will be able to graduate in a year. But if I leave, I have to stay two more years. Do you guys think I should go and have fun or stay and graduate early? Friendless and Philly? Friendless and Philly? Wait, please stop. Don't, please, please don't graduate college. Please. Yeah, you gotta transfer. You gotta get over it. Just keep transferring. Just transfer as many times as you can, Van Wilder. Just don't leave.

Please don't leave college. Please. Here's the thing. I didn't learn shit in college. I didn't. Sorry, dad, but I didn't. But what I did learn is how to, how to fucking party. You know what I mean? That's real. That's legit. Those life experiences, that's not just Van Wilder movie magic. It's legit and it happens and you gotta be a part of it. Hey, I want to, I want to offer you a secondary theory and maybe just something to keep in mind when you go to your new school because you have to go to a new school. Trust me, please. Don't ever leave college. But I would say that someone in elementary school or middle school or high school either and I don't think those are great life choices either to try to stay in those, but

there you go. Can do scissors teach, go stick around another year. Two plus two equals four. No problem. Day one, got it. What you got? What else you got? It sounds to me, unless my math is off, that you are talking about how you're going to graduate college in three years. I would posit the theory that maybe you might be having more fun and have more friends if you weren't taking like an insane course load. Because it sounds like you're trying to jam a lot of college into three years. Oh, I see what you're saying. Am I doing the math wrong? They said they were going to graduate in a year. Yeah, I wouldn't think you'd have much time for friends.

So really, it's not like you're saying you're going to be there for five or six years. You're going to be there like the normal four. I mean, that's normal if you're going for like a normal bachelor's degree. Yeah, if you if you didn't do it in four years, then you're not your abnormal. Is it Travis' face is saying you're an idiot monster creep if you didn't do it? Listen, normal is such a flexible term. Right. Well, let's just raise our hands. Let's just do a really quick round the well, because I know for certain, but it's just, you know, it's just for the radio audience that everybody on the podcast did it in four. So just getting that fact out there, putting it out there for everybody. Well, well, well, you know, I think shorter than four is weird,

but longer than four. I feel like that is not an uncommon situation that people find themselves in when they fail. Oh, you mean like, yeah, I'm sorry. Of course, Justin, I God, how silly of me. Yeah, if you go back for like your postgrad, for like your master, you know, sometimes sometimes you end up in college for five years and you're not even sure about why. Because you took a year off to like really find yourself or maybe you did like a, you know, an apprenticeship somewhere. I guess it's maybe. Okay. What if you did take a year off, but you kind of spursed it out through several afternoons of the course of three years? I took a year off. Let's yeah, let's go with that. That sounds good. That sounds real. Yeah, I was in college for five years because

I failed Spanish. I don't really want to delve too deep into that. I don't care. Can you speak Spanish now? See, which is the grade you got in the class of the second. I actually, I don't know if I've told this particular anecdote before, but I walked in to my fourth, like the fourth Spanish class and I had not done well in any of my Spanish classes and I had to have this to graduate because of some sort of, you know, effort to make students more multicultural. And I, I walked in the fourth class and the man spoke nothing but Spanish and he would make homework assignments in Spanish. So, of course I didn't do them. I don't speak Spanish. Right. So I failed it and then I had to, I retook a Spanish class that was more like culture and that worked out a lot better. Yeah. You had to

learn how to make microwave nachos. Oh, let's go to the money's sake. Can you tell me about our first sponsor this week? Our first sponsor this week is a kick starter for a full length motion picture comedy motion picture. It's called the origins of wit and humor. It's by Chicago's Dime Store Films. You can visit originsofwitandhumor.com for all the information about it. Here is their, their message. I will, I will read their pitch verbatim. It's a comedy about the neediness of comedy and trying to let sincerity overcome our reflex to joke. What else? Insecurities? You betcha. Magical realism and eccentric characters? Oh, it gets freaky. At originsofwitandhumor.com you'll find our kick starter page, a trailer for the film, and slick

incentives. Some that allow you to collaborate on the film. With a similar comic flavor to Mbem-Bem and their own Bob Balls smooth mouth tones in the trailer, it'll be a treat from Mbem-Bem-Bem- Mbem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-Bem-M Thank you. So go check it out, go to originsofwitandhumor.com and listen to- I am just- As we speak, I have just kick started this project, so everybody else better step on up. What's their goal? What are they asking for? What they want to get to is, uh, what they, what they want to reach is $15,000. 15,000.

Jeez, that's nothing. No, you like sneeze and $15,000 comes out your butt. 17,000. Well, that's, come on guys, you fucking greedy pigs. Uh, 2,000 of that is to pay Bob Ball. Right. Right now they're $5,600. And I think that we can do this, we have 26 days, and we willed the us, the Mbem-Bem

Beano's willed into existence soap that stacks in on itself. I think still using it, still using it, still, still rolling with it. I think that we can will this film into existence. Make sure when you make the movie, if we get this funded, I want them to agree to put someone into my brother and my brother and me t-shirt, um, in the movie. And also I want to be upfront. We will not supply the t-shirt. You will buy the t-shirt.

When did you guys get so crass? When did you guys turn into these crass, crass promotion? You're just walking billboards at this point. Like I used to do it for the love of the game. Now you guys are all just like, put this, put this button on that baby. You know what I mean? Yeah, sure. Absolutely.

Mm-hmm. It's disgusting. You know what, speaking of disgusting, speaking now, no, I have bad news. Tell me. Fanny time is over. What? Fanny time is over? Fanny time is over.

Are you telling me fanny time has been compromised? Fanny time has been compromised. No! You fucking got, no, this is good news, because that was the weakest of all of the secret codes that we've come up with. I mean, it is. You're right. Can we talk about what fanny time, can we set up the commercial?

Fanny time used to save you 20% at extremestraints.com, your home for a paddle that says slut on it and many other adult super toys. No, sorry, I messed that up. It's a superstar for adult toys, the toys themselves. I mean, some are super, but they are not supernatural. Although you would have to have some supernatural holes to get some of these things into you. It's a superstar for super toys for super people.

Supernatural holes is the porn spoof of the TV show Supernatural, which is not the most creative title. It's really lazy, actually. Supernatural fucking. Supernatural holes is actually the slash fig for supernatural and the film holes. Have you guys seen Batman sex? It's a Batman porn spoof, but it's just Batman having sex with people.

I don't, I don't really get it. I think they could have done more with it. From super kink to your more, uh, conventional experiences, it's got everything you need to make your fucking super, super special. They have, no one has done as much to support the show, including, uh, the people who are currently recording it as extremestraints.com. Uh, and, and you should go there and get, just try something out, broaden your horizons, but we're going to need to give you a new code.

God damn it. Cause apparently our code fanny time was compromised. Is orb too short? Probably is. And a horse love is probably too crass. Sexual orb with that work. Is that? It's a little on the nose.

A little on the nose. Can we go back to an old one? No, I don't think so. Um, how about sweet dick McGee? How about just sweet dick, sweet dick? No, what's wrong with that? McGee and me McGee kind of adds. How about not a sex code is the password?

Cause then it, it's uncrackable. It's got, you know what I mean? It's got that swordfish technology on top of it. How about swordfish? Swordfish. I'm cool with swordfish. All right. I hate, fuck it.

Okay. Uh, we name, we, we selected a promo code based on our favorite John Chavaulder film, uh, so, and, uh, that has to do with hacking. The most accurate, the most accurate depiction of hacking in a movie since ghostwriter. So, uh, swordfish use promo code swordfish and you're going to save 20%. Can we do it? Can we change it right now to ghostwriter?

Only it's like ride her. You know what I mean? No, we can't because that's really hard. Okay. All right. Swordfish is the code and type 20% uh, on, uh, so go to extrematronics.com save 20% with coupon code swordfish and, uh, get the fucking guys. I want to talk about Marin.

You know, Marin. Yeah. No, no, you dumb fucking asshole. You want to talk about Cheech Marin? I mean, we can, but that's, we're not going to get paid to do that. Oh, you want to do it like off show? Yeah. We'll talk, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, you know, we'll get back together

after this show. We'll pencil in some time to talk about Cheech Marin. Do some Cheech speech. Some Cheech speech and, uh, today we're talking about Marin. It's a new scripted comedy based on the life of podcast comedian, podcast comedian, that works, Mark Marin. There is an all new episode this Friday at 10pm on IFC. It's regular time on that particular network.

Uh, in the show is about Mark Marin, who does a podcast, which is very, very good. Only it's a fictionalized take on his life, including his relationships, his career, and it's his incredibly popular podcast, which is WTF. It takes a look at Mark's day to day struggles, uh, to keep his, uh, relationships with people going, which is something I can certainly sympathize with. And it features Judd Hirsch, uh, and Gina Gershon and Aubrey Plaza and Adam Scott, which my life does also. So that's another thing that we have in common.

Right on this week's episode, uh, Dennis Leary, Sally Kellerman and Josh Berner guest star. So make sure you check it out. Friday's 10pm on IFC. It's Marin because a podcast needs. Picked videos on it to show you. It's a really weird slogan for the show. Trying to read the whole thing.

There's all these ellipses built into it. Send it back to the parentheses and a bracket here. There's just a set of brackets around a set of parentheses. I don't know how to read them. Order of operations. Uh, Claire and Ben have a special message from Mary Natkin. Uh, they say, happy Mother's Day, Mombo, you are the smartest, funniest, coolest mom ever.

We know you have to spend all Mother's Day at graduation because you are a law professor, like a boss. So we wanted to say we love you early. We love you a million. We love you times a million. And we can't wait to see you this summer. XOXO, Claire and Ben, PS. Hey, big wave, Dave.

We love you too. Oh, Dave was my favorite. Meet the Beatles character. I think, I think it's supposed to be big wave, Dave, not big wave, Dave. There's a, okay, I do feel I'm assuming a second check. It is coming for this greeting we've just given to big wave, Dave. I really, he got tacked on here at the end. And I also want to think that you've written this to your mother and also a

local radio DJ you really like. 298.4 catch the big Dave wave. It's a big wave, Dave, not the big Dave wave. We've got the big Dave wave that you crave here on 99.12 catch it. Big Dave. I just want to say happy anniversary to my lovely wife, Darlene. And also just want to say what's up to cheater in the scooch. Hope you guys are listening.

Love your stuff. Hello, I'm Judge John Hodgman. And I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorn. Can you force your girlfriend to listen to heavy metal music? Is a machine gun a robot? Is it okay to take coupons out of the garbage if you're Canadian? What should you do if your parrot attacks your husband? Can you prove that crank two is a good movie?

Only one man can decide. Judge John Hodgman. If you have a case for the judge's court, visit maximumfun.org slash JJ Ho. If you just want to listen in, find us on the web or free in iTunes. Do you guys want to hear who please? Yes, this Yahoo was sent in by Ira Ray. Are you Ira Ray? Who wants to know?

I knew I knew it wasn't going to go down the right way. Thank you, Ira Ray. It's by Yahoo Institution. So Ben one nine nine nine nine. Who asks? What is a normal day for your testicles? I don't know why, honey. I love to work.

I don't know what is normal or not, and I don't have the balls to ask my doctor. But my testicles swell and shrink back all day long. Sometimes it feels puffed out and hard like a hacky sack ball. Other times it's like a loose change purse has been like this my whole life. And I never knew it was normal or not, or what is normal? Asking the Internet. Asking the Internet about your shrivel balls. That's not normal.

I'm going to go ahead and give you that one for free. Ben, nineteen ninety nine. You've come to the right place. Have you? Can we talk? Can we talk about this in a purely clinical sense? So that we come and do I. So we don't totally get out the remainder of our audience.

There's a real answer to this. There is. There's a real. Scrotum. The scrotum is the body's thermostat. It's an amazing. It's an amazing invention. I'm glad somebody invented the scrotum. Because we would have been in a real, a real.

God burst into the other guy's room and just like I figured it out, Dave. Cracked it. Hey, God, I hate to bother you because I know you're busy. My balls suck right now. Can you? Can you? Can you? Can you maybe tweak the schematic a little bit? Maybe I can do that.

Maybe get a little temperature control up in here. I don't I don't want to say like I'm thank you for the life and the love and the good times and the livestock. They're just hanging. But they're just hanging there. And that they are just freely affected by temperature and changes. Barometric. It all is bad.

But then each time the scrotum, the scrotum sort of like an overprotective mom at the slightest sense of danger. She said, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. Hold on. Wait, it's a little chilly. Let me bundle you. Let me hold you close. Come here. Come here. You just get you got dinners ready in the pubis.

You know, people didn't have scrotums when we were first made. God didn't actually mince scrotums until the year seven. Mm hmm. Yeah. You're seven. God invented. He looked down upon his creation and said, this will not do. I have I have I'm going to retcon this so no one ever knows. But I. Oh, all that stuff. All that stuff in the Bible about the scrotum was days.

I need you to I need you to get out the the whiteout. Strike that. Please strike that. Strike that. That was actually there's actually three time periods. There's 80, there's BC, and then there's BS. Do you guys think that God. OK, so God's omnipotent, right? Yes. Do you think that God has the ability to? Like, yes, maybe God does make mistakes.

But after he does him, he's like, ah, me, damn it. I got to go back and make a make the scrotums. And but he like retcons, right? So he goes back to Adam and even he's like, listen, I'm going to have to set this up for you right now. Let me see your stuff real quick. Just for a second. Get a leaf and turn it into a. OK, check it out.

You're set. I'm going to go back to the present and see how this is affected. Because I bet it's like a really big change. You seem a lot more active now that they've been around. People don't just sit in corners with their hands coming to test, which I imagine is a lot like the food from Dr. Here. That's what we were before scrotum.

This guy has phrased this question in an extremely unorthodox manner. Meaning on who answers. Well, yes, but also what is a normal day? Like asking what a normal day is implies that there are diaries involved. Well, you don't want to ask your doctor about like, what's it supposed to be like on the worst day of your scrotum's life? I guess that's true.

What's a great day for you? What's like the best day for the scrotum? For me, there's this one day where I just like sat around in the hot tub all day and really just kept my legs spread really wide open and didn't do anything. For me, in middle school, a great day for my testicles was not being barraged upon. There was a I'll call it a trend.

It was a it was a trending hashtag at my middle school for young women to just kick the boys as hard as they possibly could in the balls as with as much force as the end. I mean, women develop earlier than men. So their kick strength is like magnitude is stronger than ours. And so bad was this. So bad was this this trend that they had to make

like a loudspeaker announces saying like, hey, everyone. Can you stop fucking kicking them in the balls as hard as you possibly can? Middle school when people talk about privilege, I that's one of the things they forget, you know. Oh, yeah. There's there. What about your privilege? Maybe check your privilege, teenage girls, and stop kicking

men in the balls. Maybe do that. And we can maybe start building some bridges here. Right. Help. Whenever someone talks about something embarrassing with me, I turn bright red. I'm learning this at age twenty three after spending years trying to develop a poker face. Is there a way to stop this huge change? Alternatively, is this a skill I can use to my advantage?

And that's from they've used the they've used the hexadecimal code for red here, I believe. I'm not a computer programmer. But oh, wait. So are you are you asking how to stop being embarrassed or how to stop physically showing it? Like, I don't think they want to turn red. I think that they are it's like the poker face.

You know what I mean? Like they don't want to be red when they're embarrassed because they want to try to lie and say that they're not embarrassed. You know, it's an affectation no one uses. Everybody has like top hats or like, you know, it but everybody has those. Everybody. Everybody has a Bolo tie, you're saying. What about a neutral mask? I don't know what that means.

A neutral mask. It's like the plain white mask that has no facial expression. Oh, that's all that a murderer would wear. Yeah, like a terrifying scary mask. OK, well, are you Travis somehow telling me that whatever social issues this person aims to fix by not having their face turned red could somehow be ameliorated in any way by wearing a murderer mask? Is that what you're telling me?

OK, so what is OK? So picture this world poker tour champion. That's not allowed. Absolutely not allowed here. I cannot even allow you to wear a radical diversion. You can't wear reflective sunglasses, but you can wear full face murder masks. I feel like it's a really good point. It's like, well, I'm going to lay this hand down so they don't kill me.

Yeah, I bet a dollar. Everybody folds. Please don't stab us to death. I bet one dollar and this knife. Just going to put it up here and put it over my cards. I have a pair of knives. Step, step, step, step, step. That's actually the plot of rounders to that name.

Just one time. I have a Johnny Chu. I've got a mask. I've got a straight edge knife that you are now being killed with by me. That was that poker. Steps, steps, steps. The poker poker. You would have to kill.

I feel like you would to submit that. I feel like you would have to kill one person at a poker table. And then after that. Well, yeah, Justin, you're not murdering hands. You're not you're not murdering sweet pot gets. You know what I mean? That's what they call it when you win a pot and put sweet pot gets. Uh-huh.

Like you win one and then that guy who wears his glasses upside down is like, oh, sweet pot get. I think you like all sane people. My favorite poker player is devilfish. Oh, man. And he said that he got that name by playing against the triad gangs. They called him the devilfish and I am just now at 32 years old here on this Sunday morning, realizing that that story was probably bullshit.

It did not occur to me until this exact moment thinking about devilfish that he probably did not get that name from triad gangs. He probably just got it from his uncle Danny or something. Hard pill to swallow, I guess. Yeah, but in reality, I have no idea why you turn red. What are we? What are we fucking scientists here? Yeah, I don't know.

Science bros get really tan. Leather yourself up and no one will ever see a tan mom. That's a suggestion that you can make. It's the worst suggestion. Maybe go in blackface. OK, that will that won't be. OK, the red thing won't be a problem anymore. You see, you'll have that going for it.

Look, we fixed your problem. Like some sort of demented genie. We corrected your problem. But at what cost? You have what you wish for forever blackface. You could probably get rid of a lot of social problems with blackface. I mean, really? I don't know how to talk to strangers.

Well, blackface will fix that. Blackface should fix it. Yeah, they're going to know just what to say to you. Hey, fuck you. What are you doing with that makeup? You piece of shit. I talked to me. Thanks, brothers.

Thanks, guys. If I ask this girl too soon, will she think it's weird? Well, no, she'll think it's weird because you're in blackface. And there's your opener. Hi, I can't help but notice you saw. Hi, I can't help but notice that my face is super racist. You don't have a drink? Can I get you something?

I live in a small college town. I'm 31 years old. When I drive to my house, which is close to the college campus, I see some very beautiful girls walking on the sidewalks. What, if any, is the appropriate method of stopping to talk to the girls? Oh, my God. I've attempted the classy. Could you give me directions to your heart?

No, it doesn't seem to work. So Mbem Bam, any advice would be appreciated. That's from pickup policy in Pennsylvania. Dude. Can they just go to class? Can you just let them learn? Can you just let them go and break the glass ceiling and learn and become the future business leaders of America

without you fucking wolf whistling out your Camaro? Please. Please. If you want to meet college girls, I have a suggestion. Excuse me. Pardon me. Sorry. College women.

I have a suggestion for you. Go to college. Go to college. It's the only. Man, this question bums me out. There is no can either of you brainstorm right now and give me a situation where somebody yelling at you from their car may either strange your danger or a trusted associate

is a good thing. Because even when I'm driving and I see a friend in their car and they roll down their window to talk to me, all I can think about is when that light turns green, I hope we're at an organic stopping point in the conversation because I'm just going to speed off. Is there any situation where it's OK? No.

There's no. I can't even come up with a joke answer. Please don't ever do that. If you drive past someone and you hear someone yell at you as they're driving past, it does not matter what they say. All of a sudden, you are in the most unpleasant experience. Let's air out. Let's air out our dirty laundry.

OK. We used to do this a lot. OK. We used to live next to a park that had a big walking path right next to the road. So we would yell at people as we drove by when we were high school, college age. Right?

But we would yell compliments at them. Right. Like, hey, cool jeans. Hey, it's a smart top. It's the things that we do. Nothing's sexually charged. Nothing's sexually charged at all. That was not our steep.

No, it's not like that. Like yell things like, you're making great time. Yeah. This is your best lap ever. Keep it healthy. And still, the facial reactions from the people were like, you yelled nice cans. You know, it's always like, what the fuck you?

Because people just, they're going to react that way because you're yelling at them. You're yelling at them when you're in a car. It's like everybody's worst nightmare, sent you a car. I also would say I would rather have someone yell at me as they drive by than pull up to the curb and slide to a stop and roll down the window and talk to me. That's a horse of a different color entirely.

It's never happened to me, obviously. Every muscle and bone in your body is devoted to sending the visual signal that you were unappreciable. Even when Griffin wears his sweet short shorts, no one's ever pulled out to the side of the road. Right, you want to wear them with champion pants. Nobody pulls up.

There's never been a crossroads-esque scenario that is unfolded organically to me. Nobody's even asked for directions because I always look lost. I always have my phone up. People just assume I'm Google-mapping wherever I am. It's not happened to me. But I don't want the whole podcast to become about that.

I've lived a good life for life. I regret nothing. I regret absolutely nothing. But if the shoes were reversed, the problem would be super uncomfortable because my feet would be poking out of the bed. Shoes are designed to go on a very specific way. But don't hit on women outside of cars. You can't.

Relationships are not available through drive-thru. This is the exact same. You know what this reminds me? It's like the same thing with the bank teller question, right? Can I hit on women who are working at the bank as I drive through? And the answer is no. You cannot pick up anybody.

You can't ask someone out on a date if you have an immediate, convenient means of aggress. That's cheating. And everybody knows it. It's also symbolically, symbolism there is very scary. Because it's saying, get in. I'm going to take you away. It's really frightening.

It's a very intimidating position to try to be coming from. It's terrible. Especially in this day and age, because in every movie or LA law, law and order TV show, someone pulling up in a car and going, hey, come over here. Exactly. So Buffalo Bill kind of fucking poisoned the well here for the rest of us.

Because I bet you. Unless you know their code word, ours was doctails. Oh, well, now that you fucking told everybody what our kid code word was. Oh, damn it. That was our code word. If our parents set someone to pick us up, they had to give us a specific code word, which

I am revealing this now. I think we're safe. I think we're out of the woods. They're giving us a specific code word. I'm going to be honest with you guys. Someone rolled up right now. I was like, hey, your dad sent me to pick you up, doctails. I'm like, I'll get here.

I go, man. Our parents really went to the cryptographer with that one. Doctails, capital D and DL is a one. Oh, you got it. Perfect. Perfect. Swordfish. Unhackable.

Yeah, let's get in. What did you say your name was? I don't think my dad knows anybody with that kind of mustache, but you said doctails, so let's fucking roll. Let's party. You either know my dad or you know all about doctails. Either way, we are hanging. What I love is our parents set that up,

and then we walked home from school every day. So it was like, you created a barrier, and then you left the gate open. What I'm saying is that if you are a child predator in the 90s and you know that you have to hack that password, it's got to be like you're walking home and you pull up. And you're like, hey, TMNT, ice cream, tailspin, Muppets, Muppet babies, doctails, yes.

Like I'm from Mars. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I would get into an unmarked van in Venezuela if the person opened the door and said doctails to me. Señor, señor, doctails. Oh, OK. No problem. Are you going to chop my head off and whoa, you did.

What? Life really is like a hurricane. OK, OK. Is that something that everybody had? It was a stranger password suggestion. Our parents did it. That came from like Gruff McGrath, whatever his name was. Our parents.

Gruff McGrath, the crime. Gruff McGrath, the crime wolf. Take a chomp out of crime. Bite a criminal, literally. In West Virginia, we couldn't afford the Gruff McGrath. So we got Gruff McGrath, the illegal wolf. I'm Dale the Justice Bobcat. Don't be a pussy.

Fight crime. That's my slogan. Get in the car, coward. Not riding home with a stranger just admitting your weakness. Why don't you start hitting the gym? Blast your delts and maybe you can take down attackers. That candy does look pretty good. Why don't you like candy?

I'm going to come at you now. I'm going to come at you now and I need you to flip me. Do you think there was one kid throughout history that A, did go for the candy, got the candy, and escaped? What I'm saying to you is maybe instead of a always terrible idea to go with strangers with candy, maybe it's just a really risky one that you really have to be able to follow through on.

What are the house odds? It doesn't. There is no candy sweeter than the candy that you snag out of that bear trap. You've got to do that training montage, take the pebble from my hand kind of thing. And you got the candy and you're out. I think we can all agree that our parents did a bang up job.

In every respect of child raising, they succeeded. But I do question the fact that they even had an addendum to the sentence, don't get in a car with a stranger unless. This has been my brother and my brother and me. It's an advice show for the modern era. We sure hope you enjoyed it and had as much fun as we did. Because we do.

We enjoy doing this program for you week in and week out. Hey, if you want to share our show with somebody, we have the super exciting, a brand new, brand new sampler. Sampler 2013. It is available at bit.ly forward slash mobim bam 2013. Thousands have already watched this sampler and they have enjoyed it against their better judgment. And remember, it's not just for you to enjoy,

because you're already listening to the episode. It's for you to pass around and share with your friends. So if you're sitting there waiting for something to happen, be like, oh, check out this YouTube video. If you're sitting there waiting for something to happen. I want to come on. In general. Sucks.

So fucking bored. So go there and do me a favor and just leave. It's got this. Whoa, ninjas. And then ninjas. This one's much better because it's got time codes that let you skip to specific bits. It's got annotations that say when each bit is from,

what episode each one is from. And it's great. So bit.ly forward slash mobim bam 2013. We'll be sure to thank some people on the show that have shared that. And thanks to those who have already been spreading the word this week, like Blue Nicole, Nick Montesanto. He's a new new Nick Montesano.

He's a new new listener. Tyler Matheson, Alexander Franson, Garrett Brown, Nathan Reddy, Yarra Bindore, Master Mary B, Danny Rose Cannon, Peter Williams, Alex Drum, Robert David, Dime Store Films. I also want to make sure you guys remember to check out the new episode of Marin this Friday at 10 o'clock on IFC. It's got special guest stars Dennis Leary, Sally

Kellerman, and Josh Brenner. Make sure you check it out. It's hilarious and you're going to love it. So IFC, 10 o'clock, 9 central Fridays, be there or be square to be fair. Or be cube. You don't want to be fucked up by cube, do you? Cube, Ms. Marin.

Yes, Cube did, Ms. Marin. Cube forgot to set DVR. Yeah, I know Cube. Neither one of us gets to watch Marin. I want to thank John Rodger in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song, It's a Departure, which is on the album, Putting the Days to Bed, which you can find on digital retailers like Amazon, iTunes.

Now that's what I call Music 15. Now that's what I call Music 15 was fucking hip. I don't know if you guys listened to it, but there's a lot of alt rock on there that the kids just can't get enough of. Paramore? What? Paramore?

Paramore? Paramore's on there? Paramore's on there? Yeah, it's a great CD. That new fallout boy track. Hey, thanks so much for joining us, guys. Seriously, Griffin, do you have any more questions, like lying around, maybe?

Let me just rummage through my sack. Yeah, this one is sent by Drew Davenport. Thank you, Drew. It's by Yahoo! Answers user Josh, who asks, where does the fire go when the fire goes out? I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy.

It's been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.