My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 152: Heaton Up

Episode Date: May 13, 2013

This week, Justin announces that he's ready to give the greatest Mother's Day gift of all: The gift of life. He's got a baby, in there. In that crazy womb of his. Suggested talking points: Junior Disease, Complaints, Genny Up, Patricia Chiefin, Sexual Kobayashi Maru, Rattata Frittata, Homeland, Kid Court

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome to my brother, my brother and me in advice show for the modern era. My name is Justin McElroy, and I've brought the two of you here because I have some big news. Hit me with your rhythm stick. I am going to be a mother. Justin. I am, god so many emotions running through my mind in my heart right now. I'm flabbergasted.

I'm shocked. I would say the overwhelming emotion I'm feeling is confusion, is confusion in the I have a lot of that, but it's it's overwritten slightly by excitement. That's true. I really, I'm so, I just mainly am bringing this up. I waited until today. Obviously, I just want you guys to treat me super special today. Just really super duper special. How far along are you? Four or five, I feel like. Four or five along. Which trimester is that? I think it's one of them, definitely. One of the top, one of the big ones that everybody really likes to have in the end. Have you been doing your, have you been practicing, you know.

Pilates? Spreading it? Cagals? Pilata Cagals. Cagals you don't, you don't, here's the secret. You don't want to do Cagals. You do not want to, you do not want it tight down there. You want it limber. You want it loose. You want to do anti-cagals. You want to be loose. You know, I had an anti-cagal once. You know, I had a spaceship powered by anti-cagals. Really? Yeah. It was the logistical improbability of them was enough to make the ship go. Listen guys, I just really, the main thing for me is that you just treat me really nice and even if, on the off chance, I never bring up being a mother again. Yeah. I can't imagine that happen. Now, now Justin, what would you say to your haters that might accuse you of just trying

to capitalize on the Mother's Day attention? Gosh, that is so like the younger generation, you know. Yeah. You know, the kids, they're just all, they're all plugged in and I'm really, part of being a mom that you have to understand Travis, I suspect, is that when the younger generation doesn't, basically where there was one set of footprints in the sand is where I carry them. Okay. So there's, it's all jealousy, right? Like that time article on Millennials, like it really, it touches on that point a lot how this generation of human beings doesn't have the male uterus. You know what I mean? They can't carry, men can't carry a human being to term in this particular generation. That's right. I do not know why it's like children of men.

Literally, it's exactly literally like children of men. Oh my God, what if they did a sequel of that movie and they did a mashup with that, with the junior, with the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie where he gets pregnant? That would be, that's how I'm a mom. I meant to tell you also, I have junior disease. You saw the movie or whatever it was. He's got junior disease. I have junior, junior disease. I caught junior. I got junior. I caught second hand junior for watching my laser. I was watching my laser disc of junior and I caught second hand junior and now I'm a male mom, a manther, if you will. Is that like a panther? I won't. It's like a panther. Well, if my cubs are in danger, it is. My babies, my single baby, maybe two babies. I'm a single baby. Justin, is it disheartening though

because you've lost so much weight this year that you're just going to put on? Just putting it right back on that baby fat. Well, it's important. You know, I won't mind it. Knowing that my baby is just reaching up with his fat little fetus hand and grabbing globules of that fat and eating it for nourishment. I won't feel so bad about it. I want him to have a good food supply. That is how, that is how it works. It's like a bowl weevil in a watermelon. Just clean it out. It's like James, you got, it's basically a James and the Giant Peach scenario. Yeah, I'd like to make a name recommendation please. Baby fat. Okay. It's a little long though. Baby fat. You're saying that McRoy. You're saying the thing that it is to you biologically speaking in a biological context,

that baby is nothing but an extra eight pounds that you have to transport for a while. I think it fits. Uh, so make sure the two of you, did you introduce yourselves? I mean, obviously, it's not our special, it's not our special day. You know what I mean? I would prefer you to not introduce yourselves if that's, if that's, that's fine. Yeah, it's your, it's, we can give you that for Mother's Day. Yeah. Thank you. Uh, let's uh, let's do, I do want to help other people though, and that's really what being a mom's all about for me is just, gosh, just never stop it. It's like being pecked to death by ducks, right? It's like being pecked to death by ducks. How do I respond to complainers? I often find myself at the receiving end of some sort of rant.

People were counting bad customer service experiences, ways their friends have slighted them and so on. What's the best way to react? Complaining is a pet peeve of mine, but I don't want to be rude. Do I agree with them? Stay neutral. I try to be non-committal and let them vent, but I'm worried my annoyance shows through. What should I do? That's from Complained Out in Carnation. It's a nice name for a town, Carnation. It is nice. It is nice. Um, too bad everything sucks there apparently. Carnation, the negativity capital of the world. I, yeah, apparently everybody's grumped. I'm right there with this part. They're not, oh god, nobody gives a shit. Nobody gives a shit about the, the poor service you receive, unless it's hilarious.

Yeah. That's, that's sort of my MO's. I, I seriously, I never complain unless I can like tie some sort of entertainment. Like I want people to hear about how hard my life is, but I know that I don't want to put upon them the, the boring ass stuff that people have done to slight me. So I'll work a goof in there or two. You know what I mean? Even if you have to make one up, because also I find, especially when it comes to like customer service things and stuff, someone's going to be like, and she, it took like 10 minutes to get it done. Like all I'm sitting there thinking is, well, maybe it was a really complicated thing or they were really busy and you're just whining for no reason. Like there's always a certain amount of like perspective on it that

makes the person seem just like a whiner. You should tell them, you should make them watch this is water, this is video I watched. Well, or any, any, any number of, of Netflix documentaries. How about Deer, how about Deer Zachary? Oh man. Oh shit. Oh man. They served me my coffee and it was lukewarm when it got to the table. Oh man. Well, at least your dad's alive. You should keep a, you should keep a series of pictures in your pocket at all times of like the Chilean miners emerging or like that lady they saved from the rebel, rebel of the Bangladesh factory after being buried alive for 14 days or what have you. Just slow as their story continues, just slowly start edging it up over the lip of the table. Just slow. Oh, you can do a little

fun little, you can do a little fun little thing where you pretend that is the Chilean miners emerging, emerging from the low and be like, oh, and you can do like a fun voice. You know, like a fun voice like, oh, you had to wait at the DMV for how long? We waited in the underground frigid caverns, which is like a DMV, I guess. Did you just curious, did you have to eat your underwear at any point? Was that part of your, no, okay. All right. We're the tiny Chilean miners that live under this table and we're going to tell you that you need to chill the fuck out. Yeah, there's no, you don't think any complainers listen to our podcast, do you? No, I don't know. Well, no, I know for a fact some do. Any time the goofs, the goofs get a little

dry and the goofs fall, we might get an email from a Chilean miner. We got the old goof well, sometimes there ain't nothing but dust in there and man, do we ever hear about it? Well, we need to start farmer and people saying that you got spots in your tomatoes when you're in the market like, I know it's been a dry season. We need to start replying to those tweets, pictures of the Chilean miners. From now on, if you complain about our show, that's what you get. You get a JPEG, a low res JPEG of the Chilean miners. Well, I mean, it could always, they would have loved that entertainment. Even the bad episodes, they would love it. They'd be so, they would conquer the language barrier. I think they would, they would connect with something. Well, they could listen

to the Spanish language version of her. The guy that does Travis's voice is out of control. That's Travis, because he's eating two hamburgers. See, it's a, it's a- I need a big sandwich. Exactly. All of these things are things that Travis has said today, and it's 10, 14 in the morning. Travis has eaten two hamburgers and a giant sandwich, and it's 10, 14 in the morning. Yo, soy little fawns. Ay. That's one of the few things I know. What a trust is classic catchphrase. That's not even the fawns is classic catchphrase. He often would just go places and state for a fact that he was the fawn. Hello. Yes, I am the fawns. Okay. Let me just bump this soda machine real quick. Oh, hurt my elbow.

That's that, that's how- I would love to watch an episode where fawns was ineffectual. Yeah, he's, he's actually at a table, trying to get a table at Arnold's, and he just has to laddle it out. I am the fawns. Um, can I drop a, can I drop a truth bomb on you guys real quick? Something I was thinking about. Sure. Okay, so welcome to Travis's pondering corner. Oh god, is it going to be entertaining at all, or am I just going to, is this something I'm just going to have to edit out of the show? I think so. Okay. Um, if you hear 40 seconds of silence, as I was listening, as I was going through the emails last night, uh, we got an email from Robin, and Robin made an excellent point that we have a tendency to use phrases like, uh, man up or

not up or, you know, something along those lines. I don't think I say not up ever. I don't think I've ever said not up. What about sack up? No, I think these are all things I don't think I'd say. Grow a dick. Grow a dick? Grow a dick is something I've never heard Led Lone said. So I do think it's kind of funny. Okay. I don't like these phrases anymore. And so now I was thinking about it, and I came up with a phrase that I would like to enter into the lexicon to start using. Okay. Okay. Power up. Power up? Yeah. So when someone's like, I want to ask a girl out, but I'm too nervous. You say power up and do it. What about genitals? How about genitals up? Or just genny up? Gen's up. Gen's up, everybody. What's wrong? Wait, what about genny up? I like

genny up because that says, no matter what your genitals are, just find them. Just find your, the power of your vagina or penis. Genny up. I kind of like genny up. Genny up, everybody. All right, that's in it now. Let's get it on some shirts. Let's t-shirt it. T-shirt it. Tweet it, Facebook it. But I'm afraid our Beatles campaign did not catch on. Because I edited it out completely. I edited every utterance of Beatles from the last episode completely out of the show. I'm just going to keep saying free the Beatles from the Disney Vault campaign. You edited it out. Yeah, and I'm going to get it this time too. No, it's way better if you leave it in this time. Okay, I'll leave it in this time. I'll let people think about what might have been. To let people know

that the fucking Dead Sea Scrolls of episode 151 buried in a cave somewhere where we talk about the hit Disney film Meet the Beatles. Free the Beatles. Hashtag. Good comedy. Do you guys want a yahoo? Please. Anything. This yahoo was sent in by Drew Dappinport. It's true. It's by yahoo. It's user Nick who asks, my mom took my swag. How do I steal it back? Yeah, like a month ago, my mom caught me chiefing a sig. She then took all my snapbacks and proceeded to tell me that she took my swag. At first it seemed a little stupid, but now I no longer feel the urge to smoke sigs or wear bull's snapbacks. How do I steal the swag back? What? Hold on. A snapback is a type of hat with a basketball logo on it. Thank you. I

Google image searched it. Thank you very much. And what is chiefing a sig? That is when you smoke a cigarette but with your butt. No, I'm just kidding. I don't know. I imagine I assume it's smoking. I assume it's a cool thing that we don't know about because we're old now. Okay. So you've never heard of like having a chief? Having a chief? Oh, I'm going to step outside of this bar and just have a chief. No. Have a have a long chief or a chuff. Can I get a chief off your your cigarette friend? No. You can have no chiefs. Have a chief. So his mom is like, his mom is like mentalist thing him, right? I don't even know. I don't know what he's ever watched a mentalist. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm sorry, you guys. Lots of people

have watched a mentalist. Me, 40 year old women, lots of people. So can you explain what you mean though? Mentalist thing is when the mentalist says a word or phrase and you're like, whatever, but then it creeps in your consciousness. And like two days later, you call him back and you're like, yeah, I'm ready to tell you everything you need. That's inception. That's it. Call it inception. That's a way bigger blockbuster smash. Don't go around fucking. Inception happens in dreams, you guys. Mentalist thing happens in real life. Did you guys see that Christopher Nolan movie? It came back. I came in a few years ago because I saw it in Chicago. That was like 2011. It was called mentalists. It was called mentalists. And it was about people who mentalisted each other

by going into their psyches. I'm just tired of Travis trying to jaren every CBS series. I know. He tried to do, he tried to get surviving going forever. That didn't work out. He tried to get NCIS Los Angeles things going. That did not work out. I'm just sick of it. I want you guys to know that I've actually just mentalisted you. And like two weeks from now, someone will say something like, oh, like mentalist thing. You are not the origin of nearly as many zeitgeist as you think you are. Maybe I am. Okay. In two weeks, we're going to realize that Travis is the origin of every zeitgeist. Two possible scenarios for this situation. Either the mom took his swag away to punish him. Or because she's trying to rekindle the flame of her youth. Trying to

fucking throw on some snapbacks. And she's a few puffers. I see. So mom wants swag for a day. Mom wants a fee. Oh my god. The new ABC family hit movie. Swag for a day. Sorry. Patricia. I was going to say Patricia Heaton. How did you know? Because I mentalisted you. Damn it. You're the middle being us. Yeah, it's Patricia Heaton. She takes her son's cigs, takes his bull's cap, throws it on, goes to the mall, smokes in the mall. Security guard's like, you can't smoke in the mall. She's like, I can. I gave birth. And then because I'm a mother. And then he's like, I think I love you. And then they fall in love. It's a prequel to the middle.

We also, on this program, I'm trying desperately to picture this scenario, this movie, mainly so I can remember it later and write it down and sell it. But we on this show have proven ourselves incapable of distinguishing Patricia Heaton from the mom on home improvement. We have, on many occasions, used these two women interchangeably. Who is the mom on home improvement? Patricia Shefen. I don't, Patricia Shefen, the evil twin of Patricia Heaton. Or the good twin. I've heard some negative things about Patricia Heaton. Patricia Richardson. Okay. See, those are not the same women, even though every other sign would point to them being the same person. Well, one is a, oh, sorry, one is a complete neocon psychopath.

Wait, really? Yeah. Which one? Patricia Heaton, I would say, is not a friend to the gay community. You're kidding me. I just saw her yesterday. She seems so nice. But, but Griffin, everybody loves gay men. Oh my God, did you guys know that the BBC ordered and everybody loves Raymond Remake? Everyone cares deeply for Raymond. Let's get back to the heart of the matter. By the way, this question was posted in etiquette, which I guess it was the proper polite way of asking my mom for my swag back. I don't think you can, I don't think the hat doesn't make the swag. I think we all know that,

right? No. No, it helps. It does help. It's as it, but it is a swag modifier. But the swag has to bloom from within. Right. The swag starts in your heart when you accept Jesus Christ into your life and you accept his love and forgiveness for all your dreams. You've got a swag filled hole that only Jesus can fill. Right. Jesus is the ultimate swag. You look at like two chains, Pharrell, Pharrell, have you heard this rapper, Pharrell? He has a sample on the Daft Punk track and it's just him, it's just him eating a deer. We're up all night to eat garbage. We're up all night to bite, baby. We're up all night to foam at the mouth. We can't, we can't pay Daft Punk any more royalties for

that song, unfortunately. Yeah. The next question, here we go. At in my, oh, man, if this was on Mother's Day, you guys are giving me such a hard time for missing that, that read up. Here, I'm trying again. At my college, there is a girl I really like. I met her once at the beginning of the semester, but didn't get her name and recently saw her in the library and approached her. Besides coming off a bit strong, I really like her. We got on well and I asked her if we could have coffee sometime to which she agreed. She then added me on Facebook. When I checked out her profile though, it said she was interested in women, not men. Should I trust this and give up advances of romance or ask her out and hope for the best? That's from Confused Facebooker in Bandura.

We are, I don't know, guys, about this one. We are so unqualified. We are on, perhaps, the thinnest ice of our career on this one. I'm willing to skate on it and just plunge right through. Well, yeah. Can I just, this feels like a stumper to me. This feels like I'm worried that we may say something accidentally that will make this episode palatable only to Patricia Heaton, if that makes sense. No, I mean, I don't, I mean, I really, I honestly, I feel like I've reached the event horizon of my ability to put myself into a situation. There are just so many twists and turns on this one. I don't know. Let's start with some of the codified parameters of this question. Let's start with some of the heuristics. For instance, on Facebook,

it says she's interested in women, but for what, you know, for friendship, for companionship? Because that's, that is a possibility to checkmark on Facebook, but probably not. Probably not at all. Probably not that at all. Okay, I'm going to say this, and because this is a zone of friendship and safety, as all internet is. No, we are in the fucking danger zone right now. This is our fucking Kobayashi Maru Travis. What ruined this was about like six or eight years ago, this really stupid trend of people claiming they were married to their best friends. You're saying that this person put that as their Facebook status as a goof and then forgot to change it? No, no, no. I'm saying that it muddy the water and made it made people unable to trust

what they see on Facebook. Okay. Because there was this seed planted eight years ago of like, well, people joke around on Facebook all the time. So, okay, I know, I do know what Travis is saying. I don't know that that's, I mean, I don't know that that's particularly helpful. No, I don't think so either, but I'm saying there's no, that's what allows someone to see that interested in women and go, yeah, but maybe not. Like, it's, it's a crazy thing to think, but that's why. Well, but I mean, you're right, Travis, like I, I recently had to update my Facebook page to remove some likes that I put on there in like 2004. I had to, I had to manually delete some rotten Tomatoes Facebook reviews I had written about hit films like Garden State,

or I had to talk about how meaningful it was to me. I had to, I had to manually delete my review of the time machine, the hit film, the time machine, the remake. So yes, Travis, I feel, I feel you, I do feel you, but I think that most people have made the switch. Most people made the jump. I'm sure that most people's info is probably pretty accurate. Now let's say this, though, maybe, maybe you should adjust your expectations. You should definitely adjust your expectations. That doesn't mean you can't, you know, hang out with this person. Yeah, obviously. Hang out with them, see what happens. Not, no, don't see what happens. Don't, don't see what happens. Just hang out with them because you'd like just hang out with them and use your like,

just use your heart and try to keep your head on a swivel and see if you could assess your situation. I feel like as my impulse was to tell this person that they should, they should ask, like, just bring it up and have a conversation about it. But like, literally, that's a real, that's a real do as I say, not as I do moment, because I would not have that conversation if I was not equipped with a jetpack. If you didn't have one of those things that they use for special effects on action movies that rip you back. I needed God just at any moment to like, Oh, he's out. He's out. He's out. Pull him out. You need some kind of like communicator device to say, I need an extraction and then you're going. Yeah, I need, I basically need the team

from Armageddon to like lower me in. Yeah, but I don't know. Just, I mean, I would give this regardless of the sexual orientation or gender of anybody in this situation. I would say, don't just don't go into it thinking like, tonight, tonight's the night. I'm finally gonna, it's finally gonna happen for me, sexually speaking. Just go into it saying, I'm gonna have a good time with this person. I'm gonna meet somebody. I'm gonna get to know people. Maybe we'll maybe end up being best friends. Maybe we'll end up being best friends. Maybe that Facebook status is, is false. And maybe it'll be more than that. But, but I don't know. I would be uncomfortable canceling any plans based on that because then you're being a real

heathen. You just got to, you got to genie up and you got to just have a frank conversation with this person. I agree. And it doesn't have to be Frank like walking the room go, so what's the deal? Yeah, you can just, it can come up in conversation as you're talking about, you know, that getting to know you stuff, you know, like, you know, so you see in anybody, you know, that kind of stuff, you know, let it just kind of come up. I don't think so. You see in anybody is a great question to ask on it. Not in the first 10. Well, okay. Oh, you're right. Cause if it's a date, if she thinks it's a date, do you see what I'm saying right now? Like, I think the only way that this person, like I think actually the only approach to this is to pretend you never saw it and just

try to live your life. This is just trying to go. Yeah. But okay, but we can use this. This can be actionable advice for everybody else. If you are dating, if you're going on a date with somebody you're interested in somebody, don't fucking Facebook them. Yeah. Don't fucking Facebook them because it's a it's cheating. Your grandpa didn't have to do that. And that's he fell in love. He fell in love in wartime. Okay. Well, I also think that you, I mean, it's sort of like you lose a lot of the mystery, I think, or like a lot of the interesting, like there's a lot, I think you lose a lot of the mystique of someone. If you can crawl back through their last six years of existence and see every,

you know, everything they've done and every party they've been to and every person they know. It also cheapens those moments where you find out you like, like the same movie or listen to the same band. If you already know it going in and then she mentions it, you're like, yeah, yeah. Like it, it seems to take a little bit of the, the bam out of the firework, a little bit of the bam out of the firework, which is not a saying. It's no, it is now because you've, it is now you just have to mentalist bam out of the firework. Jenny up. This is, this is our most trademarkable episode yet. We got a whole toy line coming out based on this one. Not Jenny up though. Hard to toy that one. Hard to toy it. Do you guys want a yahoo?

Please. I'm curious to see if this yahoo will take off. It was sent in by William Braun. Thanks, William. It's by Yahoo. That's his user. Ghost dad starring Phil Cosby who asks, it's a very good name. Do people in the Pokemon universe eat Pokemon? Pokemon seem to be the only animals around in the world created by the show and games. Do the humans who live there eat Pokemon? Considering that they can all be caught in train, they obviously have some sort of intelligence. So would eating them be in violation of some sort of ethical code? The only way around this I suppose would be if everyone was vegetarian, but I don't see much evidence to support either side. What do you think? Definitely. Tricky, tricky quandary, tricky conundrum. It's hard to catch

them all if you keep fucking getting high on your own supply, so to speak. I feel like, okay, so practically speaking, in the world of Pokemon, the battling and competition of Pokemon is a huge business. I mean, it's like the most important thing in their world, right? Yeah, I mean, it's on TV. It's on TV. The highest thing you can... World celebrities. The highest status you can hope to achieve is to be the master. You know what I mean? So the victor. I ask this because it seems like they would be too expensive to eat. Like anytime you eat one, it's like eating a showpony. But the supply and demand is off there because you can just fucking walk into grass and then there you go. Yeah, sure. Nobody's eating like you, but people are probably eating Pidgey left in

the house. You're saying there's a hierarchy of edible Pokemon, and you're saying near the bottom of that is a Pidgey, is a Magic Carp, and then... What's the mouse one? Rattata. Rattata. He's probably in there. Oh, I could go for a Rattata for Tata right now. It would be so good. Definitely. But you're saying... Everybody's probably eating Slowpoke. They're probably eating Snorlax because they're like herd animals. Sure. Snorlax is not. Snorlax is actually fairly rare, but I understand what you're saying. God, I ate my Snorlax. I don't know. What if you just wander up to the campfire and you see someone guiltily eating a Snorlax and then you tell them, like, no, he was like really valuable. There's always like two of those in this whole game. But at the same time, though,

you got to keep in mind, there's only one of you two you can catch, right? I bet he is fucking delectable because of the rarity of it. That's the thing. Only the super rich can afford to eat me, too. Now, that's a tricky one because he can speak English according to the first move. Okay, that kid's weird. Oh, no. He speaks the king's English, so that would be uncomfortable unless you only ate just a little bit. Well, maybe you could do one leg at a time. Yeah, precisely. And then you could still have the Pokemon. That would be an interesting twist because, like, I've reviewed pretty much every game that has ever come out for that series. And, you know, it's a little stale. It needs something to shake up the franchise. What if

you get your starter Pokemon and you just eat it instantly right in front of them? Right in front of them. Which one do I want? Which one do I want? I'll take the grass type. Let me get a little ranch. Can I have another one? Nope. Ah, shit. Game over. End of the game. If your list of Pokemon gets full and you want to catch another one, you have to eat it. There's no storing it. You store it in your belly and you convert it to calorie energy. And it's not just like a pop-up, like, you've eaten it. Like, you have to actively do it. Press the buttons. And if you press the buttons wrong, it goes from, like, a smooth, easy mercy killing to, like, a botched, really horrible experiment. Exactly. I think there needs

to be some recognition of the food chain, of survival in the fittest. Because, let's be honest, if you're out in the environment, you've got all your Pokemon are knocked out, except for one, and you fight like a fucking alligator, and he kills your last Pokemon, you're not just going to fall asleep and wake up in a Pokemon center. You'll be killed. You'll be devoured. Oh, let me throw out this twist. I hope you're listening, Pokemon game developers. They are. If you want to evolve your Pokemon, you have to make them eat another Pokemon of the same type. Oh, that's good. That's so good. If you, if your Pokemon loses, you are force-fed the Pokemon. By your opponent. By your opponent, the opponent gets a fork and just starts jamming

bites of that beaten Pokemon in your mouth. There is some guy right now at home jerking off. I never thought that anyone would tickle my pleasure center with Pokemon eating descriptions of it, like, finally. He's very confused as to why he's doing it. Like, I didn't know this is my thing until now. Oh, no. Oh, man. So many good ideas. So many, so many ideas to capitalize on. Just break your walls. Like, try something new. What about a game where there is no evolution and it's all intelligent design? You know what I mean? If you want your charmander to evolve into Charmeleon, you don't have to just get them to level 16 and then hope for the best. You'd say a little prayer. Say, I wish my guy was a little bigger.

And then based on, like, your devotion rating, maybe you'll come through for you. Maybe you won't. You have to sacrifice another Pokemon on an altar to make it to premium devotion to benevolent Pokemon gods. I don't think we have to go quite so old testament. I think that would be hard to get past the ESRB, but. No, your Pokemon just has to believe in Jesus. Exactly. You have to, you have to immerse them in the cleansing waters, which may be difficult if it's a fire type. The Jesus of this world, I feel like, would come down and just say, stop eating Pokemon. That was not the plan. You messed it up. They are actually supposed to be the dominant species, you guys. You fucked up. That's why some of them are dragons made of fire.

They're just a wipey people. I gave them all superpowers. Like, you've got nothing. Why are you eating them? That's the Pokemon game I want when finally that fucking race war is ignited. The shortest race war in the history of mankind. I'll tell you what I've seen a lot of in the Pokemon games, and that is monsters capable of murdering each other with incredible psychic abilities. Something I've never seen in a Pokemon game is a gun. So I think that, I think it would last. I think we could handle some of the smaller ones, but boy howdy, would we be in the tall grass, which is where you don't want to be, specifically in the Pokemon universe. Let's go to the money dump.

I got a message from my brother Chumbie and his fiancee, Lorelle. We have another brother? No, this is a, I'm a character. I'll play a character. Oh, okay. Okay, could you do a character voice? Okay. Hi, it's me Robin. This message is from my brother Chumbie and his fiancee, Lorelle. Happy birthday in future mastery. I'm glad you could have May birthdays and are planning your

upcoming wedding for the same month in 2014. It makes it really easy to claim one present for all three events. I could have given you a hundred dollars, but I spent it on this message instead. Suckers, love you. You are now going to talk like that for the remainder of the episode. It hurt my ears. It hurts our ears. Yep. I also like how he drifted in and out of an accent. It was not, that's her. She's traveled a lot.

Robin is very continental. Oh, here's another message from Johan Sterner and Kajsa Lundi. Oh man. Or Johan Sterner. Or Kajsa. Johan, I think we got to go. Johan Sterner and Kajsa Lundi. Or, man, fuck it. It was, it's for Frederick Olson. These are not Americans. These are non-American names.

Melting. You don't know that. I hate to, I hate to heaten out on you guys, but this is not, these are not good, good red-blooded Americans. Maybe they are. Okay. Happy birthday to our best friend Frederick Olson. We know you like attention on your birthday, so we figured there's no better way than to get the brothers to say your name one more time.

We hope to share at least 25 more years of weird discussions. Too much vodka and laughing way too loud in just the wrong places. Love K-Dog and Johan. P.S. W.H. What do you guys think? I think that there's probably more sentence there. Oh, okay. P.S. What?

P.S. How do you say our names? That's why, that's why we have character limits, people. You got it, you got it tied up. So, happy birthday to Frederick and happy birthday to Chumbie and future University to Laurel. We hope you all have a very special day. You know how I guarantee that I have a very special day.

Do you know how I guarantee that? How do you do it? I get it. Super wet. What is it in this content? My gins. I have big news for you guys on the Extreme Strengths front. Extreme Strengths.com is of course your adult super store

where you can get everything under the sun that you're going to put in your bum. And that's a new tag I'm working on. They sent me a box. Oh man. A sampler box. I saw the JPEG. Oh man. There was a big penis.

And I don't mean a big penis. I mean like make you doubt yourself giant. Like maybe somewhere out there there's a person with this equipment. But it was a giant penis. There was also a... Fake, right? It wasn't like some sort of kidnapping or anything. It wasn't a threat.

What's in the box? We kidnapped a tan elephant. You think that's what Brad Pitt was thinking instead of like, well at least it's not a giant dick. Why did they send you a giant hog? That wasn't the only thing in there. There was some lube. Oh good.

There was three rings for dicks. Oh wait, there's three so there's one for each of us? Yeah, I would not be divvying those up. Oh come on. I want to be heart. There was a little, what seemed to be a personal massager. And a ring with spikes on it that I'm not even trying to get into that biz. That's for self-defense.

And then there was a... What looked like basically like a plastic Q-tip with a D on the end of it. Then I think it's supposed to go where the PP comes out. That's not happening either. Are the rings for your weiner? I can't say what they actually... That word makes me uncomfortable to say. For your cock!

Thank you. Are they adjustable in case you need it really big or really small? One of those two. Either really big or really small. Like if I bought one would I have to... Is sizing it? Are they sized? So they're fairly sturdy silicone.

And you're supposed to get your balls and penis inside them. Oh okay. Again, size. Because I either... I don't want to give myself away but I either need it very big or very small. They're worth three different sizes. So I think that they could support the normal range of genital gir, I would say. Whatever that is.

Typical. Not normal. Typical. Go visit XtremeRestraints.com. Go view their wares. If you use the coupon code swordfish, I think is where we left it. Yeah. Then you can save 20% on your order, which is a shit ton of money.

I figured I found out James Mandina from XtremeRestraints explained to me how it gets hacked. How? It's not from people using it or tweeting about it. It's from people Google searching because they can't remember Xtreme Restraints coupon code. And that's how it comes up. So people, write down swordfish on a post-it, stick it to your monitor. Don't Google search it, you fools. Well, you told them the new password, right, Joe?

What? I thought you did. Did someone tell them that the password is swordfish? No, because if you fucking tell them... If you fucking tell them, it'll get... No, I didn't tell them Xtreme Restraints so they could put it in their computer. One of us should probably do that. Travis, why don't you handle that?

You've been our main point of contact. Okay, I will email them after this. But don't email them. Oh, god, I'll wire them. Internet spiders are all over. They'll crawl anything. So go visit, go shop, go get it wet. I often find myself flying alone on trips.

The problem comes when using the restroom at the airport. As a slo-lo, as a slo-lo flyer. It's Mother's Day. Shut up. My only option is to take my carry-on bags with me into the bathroom. But then what? I hate putting my bags on the bathroom floor, but I don't see any other choice.

Help me out, brothers. What can I do? Well, I mean, real talk. Aren't there usually, like, hooks on the back of bathroom stall doors? This is a real issue because it... Defining a trusted confidant is the best option. But even then, how can you really trust anybody in this crazy world of ours? The problem is, in this day and age, even if you do that, like,

hey, we've just been having a nice conversation for the last 10 minutes. Could you watch my bag? Like, instantly in an airport, everybody's butt hole seizes up. You're like, oh, God, just like in homeland. I'm saying that, like, it's... Because that's the kind of thing that security guards at airports are on point for. People walking away from their bags. Yeah, um, yeah.

They're waiting for it. But at the same time, when you wheel that shit in the bathroom, and then there's an expensive business... An expensive businessman. There's an expensive businessman who sees you do that. That businessman looks like he caused a pricy. And he's like, oh, you're bringing your luggage in the bathroom, huh? You're gonna make poop bags.

Because that's what it is now. That's that luggage that you got for graduation, that was new. Now it's poop bags. Those are your poop bags now. Never fly by yourself. You can't... Nobody else can touch that handle now. Because there was at least a 10-second period where you touched it with poop hands.

There was a... In the Charlotte airport, if you've spent as much time there as Griffin and I have. Jesus. Over the years. You will know that there are attendants in the bathrooms. They are, by and large, the worst. Because it is creating this false social system where I have had any problem with any part of this exchange over the past, you know, three decades.

Like, I know my whole routine when I go in. I do not need someone handing me a paper towel or more likely judging me for not washing my hands. But they maybe sit your bags for you, right? That's what I'm thinking. Maybe that is the actual use of an attendant. You say like, hey, can you keep an eye on this? I'm taking the dude to poopy town. Right.

And he says like, no problem. I got this for you. He would say no problemo. Because he's cool. What? He's cool. Not because I wasn't saying that to be racist. I'm saying it because he's like, no problemo chief.

You know what I mean? And then you have to give him some money when you get out. Like, that's the exchange you're making here. What about lockers? What about bathroom lockers? You can put your effects in there. Oh, those keys, though. Never mind.

Sort of like the shoe cradles and McDonald's play play. That's exactly what I'm talking about, a cubby hole. I would want there to be some security, though. But there's no way to sterilize that security, if that makes sense. A keypad, even, with a pin that you have to recognize. Oh, those numbers would be so grubby. Oh, they would be grubby to the maximum degree.

OK, something just occurred to me as I've been thinking about this problem. What's that? Unless I've missed something along the lines, when you enter an airport, you go through very extensive security checks. Yes. So then why, once you're past that point,

can't you leave your bag sitting around? What are they afraid of? I actually have this thought, too, Travis. If you, there is not a cross-section of people who, A, have paid $400 to be in a building, and also are going to take a shot at stealing someone's suitcase. That Venn diagram doesn't really line up. I know what you're saying.

I've thought that often at an airport, like, well, I feel a little bit safer here, because that's a pretty long grift if you're buying a plane ticket so you can get into a place and steal bags. Well, I also think it's like the security thing, but it just seems to me like, hey, once you pass that point,

hey, it's like international waters. You know what I mean? You're cool. Like everybody's OK here. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a little bit, I see the world as a little bit sunnier place,

where I trust people. Yeah. Yeah. How about it, the world, huh? Just think about it, because I'd rather trust people than get poop on my bag. Sure. The end.

I guess the bigger question is why, when you go through security, why do they have to touch so many kid balls? Fucking weirdos. I'm just saying you got bomb-sized balls, kid. Let's see them. Let's see them. That's a compliment.

That's a compliment. You have bomb-sized balls. Your balls are the bomb. Teddy, I got a new one. Your balls are the bomb. Write it down. I'm going to use that a lot. I'm going to use that a lot over the next few months,

when I touch approximately 1,800 kid balls. And 1,800 kid balls and 900 scrotums. It's going to be great. Remind me. Remind me to say it, if I forget. God, they're the worst. You guys want a yahoo? Yeah.

They're American heroes. They are American heroes. Thanks for the security. And, but also the insecurity in some places. Can we stop, by the way, TSA, if you're listening? And I'm sure you are. Can we stop with the shoes now? I think we're reaching a point where we can.

Grandparents and kids don't have to. Right. Which is like a crazy thing to say. There's no way you'd put them in your kid's shoes. Who would ever think of that? Oh, maybe a terrorist who knows you. You don't check those kids shoes anymore. Right.

Like, I think they could work out getting a kid. Do you guys think that by answering this question, we are now on a watch list? Definitely. Okay. Absolutely. We're on a lot of watch lists for this episode. We're on Patricia Heaton's watch list.

That's for goddamn sure. And that is a list you do not want to be on. She will say some shit about you at the Golden Globes. Hachi-machi. Hachi-machi indeed. This yahoo answer was sent by Cal Skulthrup. Thanks, Cal. It's by a yahoo answers user.

Sockerman. Who asks? Can I? I think it's pronounced Sockerman. Sockerman, JP Sockerman asks. Can my parents sue me for breaking the window? I was playing Cracker with my younger brother and I hit it and it shattered the window.

I'm 15. Wait, who was playing what now? Cracker. What is Cracker? What's that? Have you ever heard of Skanky Biscuit? Oh, I don't think it's the same thing. I hope it's not the same thing.

In the UK. What is Skanky Biscuit broke the window? In the UK. It's called Nasty Cracker. I don't know. In the Mediterranean region, it's uh-oh, PETA. And I like nodding on. Oh, I was god damn it.

I was trying to think. You beat me too and I was going to say no, no, no. Damn it. I don't know what Cracker is, but the question is can we bring, can we bring lawyers into this? Can you sue a kid? Because I know-

Do you remember the documentary North? Yeah. I feel like that said a lot. That said a lot of legal precedent for this kind of thing. Sure, yeah. Scalia frequently, frequently brings that up as a super precedent. I know that kids can't go to jail, which is crazy. Just because they're younger,

but they can still be little criminals. They can still be little murderers. Meanwhile, Jodi Arias. Poor sweet little Jodi Arias. Just because she's over 18? That's not right. Not my America. What do you think should happen to Jodi Arias who killed her boyfriend?

She's just as sweet and innocent and frumpy. She's frumpy now. She didn't used to be frumpy. She frumped herself up. Isn't that enough? Isn't that punishment enough? Shouldn't she been fully frumped out? She's been frumped to the max.

She has to wear glasses. She has to wear glasses and her hair is brown now. This is you have sucked the life out of her CNN. Why can't we sue some kids is the question because I have some kids. Oh man, I have some kids I'd sue. Who would you sue? Who would be the first kid you'd sue? I saw Iron Man 3 last week and I had to sit next to a kid.

That kid for sure, definitely. Let's just say DLMO Draft House not cracked down on their no talking law on this youth. Which I guess they have an exemption for under 18s. Which again is super fucked up. I paid my money and I want to see all the movies. I want to see all the movies. Can't you summon someone over? Can't you beckon and say this kid's a pit?

I can do that. If I want to fucking ruin this kid's life, this is all that he wants is to see Iron Man 3. There was a lot of bouncing. Is there a statute of limitations on this? Because there's a kid when I saw Harry Potter 7 part 2 that was dressed as Harry Potter and loudly announced how it was different in the book every time something happened.

But that was like two or three, four years ago. Oh yeah. Is it too late to sue that kid? You missed it. You missed your window. I think the window for kids suing is like month, two, maybe tops. I would actually really appreciate that service if I was in a movie theater watching Harry Potter 7 2.

Are you Timmy? Hate. Oh yeah, I'd forgot about that. Thanks, kid. Are you Timmy Jenkins? We have some popcorn for you. Yeah, I'm Timmy Jenkins. Just kidding.

You just got served. Nice try, bucko. Are you Timmy Jenkins? No, I'm Jimmy Rinkins. Ah, fuck. Got us. Next time. Finally, a good reason for kids not to talk to strangers.

We'll be trying to serve you. We got a present here for you. I'm not sure about it this time. I'm going to need you to get it to my associate, please. Hey, good news. You're going to go on the super toy run. Holy shit, I never thought it would happen to me. Just get in this van and you're at a court.

Right. There's a court inside the van? Van court. A court inside the super toy run. You take one turn left at the creepy crawlers and oops, you're in court. Kid court. This has been our advice show, My Brother, My Brother Me.

We sure hope that you've enjoyed listening to it nearly as much as we've enjoyed recording it. It's a genuine pleasure and an honor to do this show for you every week and we love you so much and thank you for continuing to listen. We have a new My Brother, My Brother Me sampler. It's at bit.ly forward slash mbmbam2013. So you can go check that out and it's a great way

to get people into the show so you can share it with them. It is a little heavy on Dick's stuff. I don't think it's more Dick. I feel like it is representative to the... See, this was before our switch to more neutral terms like Ginny up. So I feel like now, yes, it is Dick heavy for us. Now we are more equal opportunity genital discussers.

Discussioners, mentalists. We got a live show coming up at MaxFunCon. So that'll be up later this month. Psyched about MaxFunCon. You guys pumped? Oh, so pumped. You guys... Hey, which reminds me, if you're going to be at MaxFunCon,

if you're going to be at our live show, start sending in your questions now and make sure to put in the make sure to put in the subject line MaxFunCon question so we can be sure to hit your question at the live show. We should clarify that this is not an open to the public live show. This is a live show we're doing at MaxFunCon, but you'll be able to hear the show probably our first episode of June when that goes up.

It'll be a MaxFunCon special. We are talking about doing more live shows, though. We are making... We are having more earnest discussions than we've had all year, I would say. The gears, they are a-turning. Speaking of live shows, by these throwing shader working on a tour right now, they have lots of dates moving throughout the country.

You can go to throwingshade.com to check out upcoming shows or it's on MaxFunCon. And while you're on MaxFunCon, check out Throwing Shade, check out Jordan Jesse Goh, check out John Hodgman, stop podcasting yourself, check out all of the shows on there because they're all super, super good. And if you guys are donors, you're helping pay for those shows. So go appreciate the comedy that you're helping to support. One more thing.

Tristan the Marine is shipping out soon. And so to send him off right, there's a kind of East Coast, my brother, my brother and me meet up being put together in DC. It's coming up. It's on May 25th. If you want all the information, just go to packyourbagsdc.eventbrite.com.

That's eventbrite, b-r-i-t-e dot com. Go check it out. I don't think people know how Eventbrite... I don't know. I've never heard of Eventbrite, but I don't know. Well, that's because you don't get invited to shit. God knows that's true. I want to thank John Rodgerick in the Long Winters

for these for our theme song into Departure off the album Putting the Days to Bed. As much as I appreciated the new theme song that we used on 150, which as many people we got saying that they loved it, we got as many people saying, please don't use that again. I missed it. You're crazy, by the way.

I missed the power start we get from It's a Departure. So thanks, John Rodgerick. Thanks, the Long Winters, you're a very good band. And if you would like your name, you know, a shout out to somebody that you love or a shout out to your business or some such, you can get on the Money Zone just by going to

maximumfund.org forward slash jumbotron and all the information is there. So help support the show and we'll make funny jokes about you and your love. I please include a phonetic spelling of your fucking names, though. Jesus. Griffin, do you have one more question for us? A final Yahoo, it was sent in by...

One to grow on, if you will. Oh, it was sent in by Frederick Olson, the birthday boy. Thanks, Frederick. It's by Yahoo Answers user YoYo, who asks, I want to join the Illuminati and become famous with basketball? I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy.

And it's been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad. School wear on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.