My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 153: God Made a Bridge Troll

Episode Date: May 20, 2013

Who will live? Who will die? Who will be betrayed? Whose terrible secrets will be revealed? Find out on this thrilling season finale of MBMBaM. And join us next week, for more, new MBMBaM. Suggested talking points: Sweeps, In Vino Punchitas, Bully Vibe, A Cat Called Burden, Thinner and Closer, Farm Wisdom, Beeeeeees

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everyone, and welcome to the event you've waited for all year long. The season finale of My Brother, My Brother and Me is here. I'm both your dads. I've been both your dads this whole time. Griffin reveals an embarrassing secret. It's not embarrassing. I'm so proud of you too.

I love you so much. Every week you come out here and you do your best, and I love you so much, and I'm your dad. Wait, so then who's the guy that's been claiming to be our dad? He's your grandpa. Who will live? Who will die? We all live. We all live. Who will be sick? Travis, who will get sleepy? I would bet Travis. I know this about you. Who will suffer from all new heat? I know this about you too, because I'm your proud dad, and Travis gets sick more than you, Justin.

That is true. My dad is younger than I am. Yeah, it's when I was terminating. Reality bends around on itself, and the advice show for the modern era. I can't believe people are going to have to wait all summer long for these answers to be revealed. To be fair, we'll do our reruns during the summer, do a couple summer specials. It'll be a bunch of bullshit about ghosts and horses and shit, and it's like, I've heard this one before. We gots to get our episode rerun up to a hundo so we can get in Cindy. That's true. We can do a couple episodes over the summer where the few of us go to work at a beach resort. It's a little bit out of the normal setting, but then one of us ends up falling in love

with the resort owner's daughter and then Hilarity ensues because she thinks that we're just a preppy, but we think that she's really stuck up. I think in my fiction here, it's become that all three of us are in love with her at once. The good news is that although my brother and me is going away for the summer, it will be replaced by a mid-season replacement. It's a reality dating show called My Brother, My Brother and Me. Now, how does that one work? Now, that is a very different program. I think you're all still really going to enjoy it. There's a lot of scintillation and a lot of ventilation and nausea. It's been perforated to allow the smoke that we generate, just our sexy smoke that we generate during the dating show portion of the show, got to let that out or else

it's a real health hazard. We should introduce ourselves. My name is Justin McRoy. I will be mid-season replaced by YOLO's wagons, but for now, I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy, and I plan on staying on as executive producer. I'm Griffin McRoy, and yeah, I don't have shit to do. I really don't have shit to do this summer. This summer is starting to look like a bummer. Okay, let's get into the advice actually because I'm ready. My body's ready. What is the statute of limitations on apologizing for a dumb offense given to a friend? I dated a friend's ex a couple years ago. I had her permission. She seemed happy for us. Unfortunately, the relationship was a train wreck, and it ended badly. Oh, sorry, I handled it badly. She and this guy are still good

friends, and she is still one of my besties, but I feel like I've never made amends for what an idiot I was. Would it be super weird to apologize to her for it now, or should I just let sleeping dogs lie? That's for Monster Engine. Geez, I think it's, I think you done fucked up. I don't, I think that that is the kind of thing that you just apologies. No, wait, but here's my, I'm confused. I'm confused because it sounds like you want to apologize to your friend because your relationship with somebody else went bad. No, no, they want to apologize to her for their friend for dating their ex. No, her friend was totally cool with her dating her. She had her permission. Yeah, sure she was. Well, I think the problem is that the relationship didn't end so hot,

and it may have put strain on them. By and large, I usually think apologizing is a good thing. I mean, it may be awkward for you, but I think people appreciate it because, I mean, one of two scenarios will happen. Either A, they've been harboring resentment this entire time, and they'll be relieved to finally get that off their chest, or they won't think it's a big deal, and you'll be relieved because you'll find out that they didn't care what she thought they did. And either way, it's, I think that's a W for you. But if they burn your house down, and then they're like, sorry, bro, that was out of line. Is that really gonna, is that really gonna patch things up? Is that really gonna, gonna suture the wound? Do you mean metaphorically, or do you mean,

like, by apologizing to your friend, you'll make them burn your house down? I'm saying there are certain offenses, and burning their house down is tantamount to dating their ex. Now Griffin, am I, am I correct to my assumption that if a friend of yours burned your house down, you would prefer they just look at you and say, what are you gonna do? These things happen, eh? How about this? I shouldn't speak a lot of them words. I don't want to hear, I'm sorry, I want to see it. I want you to build me a new house, or I want you to go buy me a key lime pie or something. Build me a new ex-boyfriend. Build me a new ex-boyfriend. Build them for me, better, faster, stronger. Maybe it'll be like when they built robot Stefan.

Yeah, we have the technology. Man, that was, that was fucked up, that, that plot line. He breathed life into an inanimate object. Urkel, Urkel like, played God. That's like some Isaac Asimov, like ethical shit, and he just ignored all of it. His science was irresponsible, is what I'm saying. He was so obsessed with whether or not he could, he didn't stop to think, did I do that? I, I have a suggestion, monster engine, and it's that, three words, I think, in vino veritas. You're saying get this, Travis, this is terrible. No, no, no, no. I'm saying share a bottle of wine with your friend and a hangout and let it like come up. That's like, well that way it's not like out of the blue or anything, like you're hanging out and you could do like, you know, by the way,

and you'll feel a little bit more comfortable, they'll feel a little bit more comfortable, you guys can have a good cry about it and get it open. No, no, no, no, no, no, because there is a high probability that this particular operation will, will go sideways and you're going to need all of your faculties if you're going to get out of that one. Exactly. Or you could do that, like dump your cup into the potted plant while she's drinking. Yeah, you fake the sips. I'm saying, there's also the punch restraints in your brain. Those get loosened up. In vino, in vino punchitas is the alternate, the flip side of that Latin coin. Yeah, that's fair. That was also my favorite Jason Statham movie. God, I would watch that movie. I'm going to need a pot of wine

if I'm going to get us out of this one. My punch receptors, my punch blockers are engaged by the government. Well, why don't we just break us out of here? Can't you see this man is sober? He's sober. He has a church house. He needs booze. Give me those apples. We're going to put them in this water for like two months. Just hold out. I got this. Is that Windex? Crikey. Where is he from? We're getting out of here. Oh, shit. Sorry. I apologize for everything that's happened. I only got a few this week. I'm going to be honest. I appreciate the people who sent them in. Thank you so much. I had to dip in the back catalog, though. My boy, Ira Ray. Nowhere to be seen. Jacob Blocker. Jacob Blocker might be dead. Has anyone checked his Jacob Blocker? Has anyone checked?

He might be inside of his Jacob Blocker, where he keeps his thoughts. This Yahoo was sent in by Mary Turner. Thanks, Mary. It's by Yahoo Answers user Juliet who asks, A boy at school got dacked. Pants pulled down today at school. Was he still sad? A boy today at school got dacked. Pants pulled down in front of everyone and he was crying and it's the guy I like. He was crying, then he stopped. Then he was crying again, but then he stopped. And when school finished, I said to him, I hope you feel better. I have sort of gone through the same thing. I've heard that boys are stronger than girls with these kind of things, but would he still be sad on the inside? I've never heard dacked before. No. Oh, you know, I got dacked once I'm still

sad about it. Being a kid is the absolute pits, man. They are savages. If that happened in the adult world, that would be the flashpoint of a major trial. Exactly. It would be everybody's going to court. It happens in a life of a kid. That's Tuesday. That's fucked up. I've never heard a phrase like that, but that's really messed up. The only bullying I ever received was it was a rainy day. I was in sixth grade and outside of school, this fucking kid I had never met before, a man I had never met fucking ran up to me and spear tackled me into the mud and just got up, left, walked away, never fucking talked to that dude ever. It actually turned out to be Griffin from the future. It may have been me from the future. He was stopping an assassin's bullet from

killing him. Oh man. But I remember that fucking kid. When I was a young man, I had been playing on a playground while our parents were doing something else. I was young. I was probably like eight. At the end of the hangout, right before our parents came to get us, this kid who I had barely spoken to the entire time punches me in the stomach and says, I've been wanting to do that all night, which is awesome because it wasn't just bullying. It was like, oh, that's me. That's my sneeze apparently. That's the vibe I'm putting out is that I make people secretly want to punch me until they're punch receptors. Their punch blockers can't take it anymore. Isn't it nice to be wanted though, Justin? Isn't it nice to be wanted? The object of somebody's affection?

Somebody else was looking across the playground and saw that kid punch you and said, I can't believe I missed my shot. Yeah, I was going to punch him. I'm going to think about that one. Hey, do you mind if I just still put? Yeah, go ahead. To answer your question, yes, he's still sad and he always will be. Forever. I'm still talking about this time a kid punch me. I'm 32. But to have that happen to somebody that you're crushing on, oh man, what a bummer. If you're lusting after Dennis Quaid and you see him on the street like, oh my god, Dennis Quaid this whole time, my whole life, I've loved you ever since I saw you in inner space and just I've waited for this magic moment and then someone runs up and pulls his pants down. You're like, I'm done. I'm out.

Unless. Unless? Unless. So downstairs is real good. No, even that, even that because like even when it's even when it's a prime pony, seeing it without. Oh, in that context? Seeing it without seeing it because someone else made it come out is like the worst that it could possibly happen. There's only one response for the kid and that has been docked in this situation is to raise his arms to the screen. Are you not entertained? You know, Griffin, that it's funny you use that specific example because that happened to me when I was crashing on Randy Quaid, but the person that pulled his pants down was Randy Quaid. So he said dingus time and then he pulled his pants down. He said, get a look at this, J. Edgar Hoover. And then he said, now we have to flee this hotel room,

quick. Quick, let's get out of here, Justin. And then you two fucked. Well, no, we made love. I'm pretty sure he doesn't make love. He makes plans. He makes plans to fuck and then he executes them. He executes on his strategy to make love. This poor kid is never going to recover from this and you should probably move on to another sexual conquest. He's ruined. I'm sorry. I mean, basically he's permanently spoiled. But it was nice of you to say that's a weird thing to offer somebody condolences for, though. Hey, same thing. Sorry for your loss. Similar thing happened to me. Oh God, no, my pants weren't pulled down. Jesus Christ, no, I would never, I would never listen to me. I would never recover. That's in a way, though, gives him permission because if he can recover, it makes him feel strong.

He's not going to recover, though. It's like if you recover from getting your head cut off, you're going to be so much stronger for it. What if this is like his superhero origin? What, what possible power could he have gleaned from this? The belter. Okay. So it's just like a man who wears a belt and suspenders at the same time. He wears like eight belts. Okay. And he has those weapons. He can remove one as a weapon. Ultimate irony, though. The belts are so heavy that they pull his pants down. That's his weakness. If he removes more than one belt at a time, it's not enough to hold up the share weight of belts. We're going to need three belts to bring this guy down. Please, the belter. I,

I can't do that again. You know, I'm thinking about it. I think I saw a lot of people get pantsed or dacked, you know, at middle school. Please, Graven, I'm trying to say relevant. Please, can you stick with that? I saw, I saw tons of people get dack attacked in middle school and maybe even early high school and like church camp. And every time I saw people dack somebody, they always just pulled down their pants and not their underpants. And that seems like a kindness to me. Is there like a, is there like an unwritten code that like, if you are going to dack somebody, grab light, don't like, don't like grab two big old handfuls because you're going to get boxers too. And if you do that, then maybe, maybe it's a defense mechanism for the attacker because they

don't want to do a sex crime, accidentally. That is actually in one of the appendices of the Geneva Convention. There, it is a war crime of middle school to pull someone's pants and underwear down. You can be tried for that. Hey, let me ask you guys another question. Okay. I'm having a little bit of a moral dilemma. A few months ago, due to an ongoing conflict with a roommate, I had to evict her because we live in an area where it's difficult to find affordable housing. My other roommates and I allowed her cat to stay in the apartment until she could find a place where she can have the cat. Well, she just signed a lease on an apartment where she cannot have her cat and has more or less abandoned him. The worst part is the cat's owner keeps coming over to visit

the apartment to visit her cat, which entails her hanging out in my roommate's room while she ignores the cat. She's not even paying for the cost of food and other needs. So after my novella of a back story, here's my question. Can I just give the cat away? Can I just start looking for a new home for this, for the most part, abandoned cat? Or do I need to give this person time to do something about it? It's been two months and no effort has been made to find a different situation for it that's from feline frustration in Frisco. Jesus Christ. You made a tactical error and now you have to live with it. When you do something like that, like evict somebody, you are cutting them out of your life. They knew that by leaving that cat there, they were leaving a foothold.

You have to, you have to commit to cutting people out of your life. They literally might as well have just literally wedged the cat in the door, literally put the cat in between the door and door frame. Oh goodness. I don't think you can give someone's cat away without being the bad guy. Yeah, Justin, I think that's probably true. I don't, I don't think you're allowed to release custody of somebody else's cat to someone else. But what is the other, like the other option that she says? Oh, there's a definite ultimatum in the water. Mr. Boots is my cat now. That's it. Yeah. Give that, give that sweet little pussy, pussy bear, sweet nuzzles and cuddles for the rest of its life. That's what, that's the other solution. I guess, but then it's like, but you

don't want to pay for the life of this thing. Like it wasn't your choice to take on the responsibility. Here's what you do. Pick up that sweet little pussy bear, roll him into a little ball and lay down on the couch and give him little nuzzles on his button nose. You fucking dolt. That's what you do. Okay, well Griffin, what about the custody battle like a year from now when the roommate gets a place that has, that allows cats and she wants her cat back. Well then. Cramer versus Cramer, baby. Cramer versus Cramer. Put that sweet little pussy bear in between the two of you, and whichever one he goes to is the owner. Psst, by the way, you've got sardines in your pockets. He's going to come to you if you put sardines in your pockets. That's a little tip for me to you.

I feel like you are within your right to call your ex-remate and say, hey, I either need you to pay for the food and stuff, and then I'm happy to keep the cat here until you're able to find a place that allows cats. No, that's not happening. She signed a lease on a new place. She is not going to retain custody of this cat. Okay, well then say either pay for it or I'm going to give her away. Why can't she just have a secret cat? Cats are, I frequently forget that I have a cat because he's fucking ghost all the time. Oh, you're saying like just let her out in the world? Or no, I mean like, no, Jesus. The cat will come back. There's lots of outdoor cats. Don't say that. That's not like putting a baby on the curb. I'm saying like, you know,

let the cat out, cat roams the city, comes back to you whenever it wants. Yeah, he just roams San Francisco and he's fine. And you think, you think he'll be the only cat out there? He'll just be a lone cat in San Francisco because all the other animals are inside where it's safe? Hey, Dale, I had a great day today. I took the trolley down to the pier and just walked it with some of my friends and I got picked up by a seagull. It was great. It was pretty good. This is a bad, this is a bad scene, man. The trick is, I know this isn't much used to you now, but the trick is to not let yourself get in these kinds of situations. Write a note to yourself in the future saying, hey, remember that time? I don't think she has to do that. She has a living four leg room around

all the time. I have renamed him burden. Come here, burden. Is it really that expensive? Like, once the cat has gotten that first round of shots and vaccinations and fixing, like, is it really that? You're paying for his food, right? It's really not that. I mean, we're talking about like a couple bucks a day. I mean, if that, no, I buy that premium shit, though, for my sweet pussy bear. Do you buy like wet food or dry food? I mix it up. I mix it because his constitution is weaker in the morning. So he doesn't really have, he doesn't do saliva very well. So like, I'll give it to him wet in the morning. And then later in the day, I'll let him have it dry. What? His saliva game is bad? This is dry mouth. He's a heavy drinker. I see. A good friend of

mine from grad school just started 15th monthly. Guys, I have to talk. Can I talk to you guys for a second? From me to the listeners, you guys have got to start condensing these backstories. I can't keep reading these novellas every time that you want our help. Just get it down to brass tax. And I want to tell you what, I edited both of these down. Listen, it's like, when you leave this much, you're just leaving weaknesses. We can exploit. We will do anything to keep from answering a question. So you have to leave us as little rope as possible or we will hang you with it. You have to put it to us concrete and direct. Here we go. A good friend of mine from grad school just signed a 15th monthly lease on a new apartment with his girlfriend of five years.

They're about to get a cat and all appearances, they're very happy. Here's the problem. My friend's girlfriend, let's call him George and let's call her Wanda. She Wanda told my girlfriend a secret. The secret is Wanda has cheated on George twice and she's tempted to do it again. But Wanda sorted my girlfriend a secrecy. Of course, my girlfriend told me. So now I know that Wanda is habitually unfaithful to George and he's probably gearing up to propose to her the next week or two. If I tell him it'll ruin our friendship. Next year or two, not week. Next year or two. That's not gearing up to propose. I just got to build my confidence for 18 months. If I tell him it'll ruin our friendship with Wanda because we ratted her out. And part of me thinks maybe they

could work it out in the long run. Heck, for all I know, maybe George has cheated on Wanda too, although I have absolutely no evidence of that. Help me, brothers. Should I tell George maybe in some anonymous way? If Wanda told my girlfriend, maybe she told others. I don't want to stir up shit. But what if they get a divorce years in the future when I could have prevented it? That's from Ify and Ithaca. This is a sexy little nut. This is like closer to the movie in question. Let me say this though. You're worried about ruining your friendship with Wanda, which I think is naive because you should be worried about ruining your friendship with both of them. I don't think anybody gets out of this one a lot. George isn't going to go,

hey, thanks, buddy. Even though you helped him out, it killed the messenger. Nobody likes the person that gives this kind of information. You got to pick who's important to you. Who do you want to take with you into the finale is the question. Because if I were, I don't know, if I were in your shoes, I think I'd probably go for Jorge. He seems like he's the one getting put a note. Okay, listen, I got to be serious with you. Everybody likes to have secrets, these little juicy- This is sexy for me to read this. Juicy tidbits. And everybody likes to have these secrets in their head. You cannot act on this. You cannot act on it. Here's the one move you have. Okay, you have a single move. The single move is, nope, can't do that. I was going to say you talked to

Wanda about the cheating and tell her that she should tell George. But then Wanda knows that your friend told you that Wanda told your friend about the cheating. And then your friend told you about Wanda's secret. She'll fucking. You can't do that. You don't have that move. She will repost. She will turn that shit right back on you. She will fucking sursy your ass and you will be dunzo. Your relationship will end. You'll find out that you've been cheated on. That's how she'll twist it on you. Because you're dealing with a, whoa, man eater. Watch out, here she comes. You can't do anything. I think the best advice is that you need to take like three steps back from your friendship with both of them. You know too much. Travis, but George is going to need

someone when he realized, when these infidelities are, when they serve. If you're George a looker, is George sexy? Oh, good question. Oh, I like this. What about that? You twist that, maybe turn it into a little opportunity for you. I don't, I don't understand. Do you mean help George get his sexy right? And then feel like George, you're, you're the patty in this relationship. Come with, come be with me. Let me take care of you right now. Let me, let me, let you love me. You're assuming a sexual attraction between George and our question asker. This is what I'm saying. You can't feel that right now. This is that closer shit that I'm talking about. This is going to be so decadently sexy.

But here's, here's where I think that you need to, you need to get away safely. Because picture this, every time from now into eternity, when the four of you or even just like you and George and Wanda go out to the bar and you see Wanda talking to any other guy ever, you're going to just get the strongest douche shit. Your stomach's going to clinch up. Just butt out though then, if you don't. That's what I'm saying. So back out, you know too much. I mean, you can still hang out with them, but when you observe shit like that, just maybe George knows, maybe it's a part, maybe they got an open thing, a secret open relationship. It's none of your business. This is the first off. Let me thank you guys for

bringing us into this sexual web. It's either, it's one of two things. It's either incredibly crushingly sad or just real sexy. And I'm going to pretend it's the latter because I need some jail material. There's not a move here. I mean, you don't have a move. You don't. I thought about that one move about talking to Wanda, but you can't do that. I mean, the, and, and here's the thing about it is that like, you're going to have to actively work to convince yourself that it's not of your business. It's like a decision you're going to have to make and stick to actively. You're not actually helping anybody. I mean, that's the thing, right? Like, if George knows he's been getting cuckolded, then that, that makes him feel bad about himself.

You don't actually win anything by George knowing the truth. I mean, sure, maybe he can get himself out of the relationship, but maybe she still really loves George. I mean, maybe they're a great fit. And like, you are making the decision that that infidelity is the most important thing about that relationship. And I don't think that that, you know, like, I don't, I don't know. Maybe there's other things that are more important to George, but you are making the decision to introduce a distrust in this relationship that may not be there right now and very possibly will never be removed. I really don't think it's, it's, it's your, besides the obvious like self preservation instinct, I just don't think it's your place to step in here.

Let me, let me give you the suggestion of something you can do. It's innocuous, but effective. And that is to leave a note on their front door that just says, I know. That is actually a move I'd recommend to anybody in almost any scenario. It's not going to put you on blast. If George sees it, he'll be like, oh, weird. And if Wanda sees it, she'll be like, or George will feel guilty for everything he's ever done. No, I'm sorry. If George finds it much like any man finding it, he will assume someone has found that folder and it's going to beat her. God damn it. I thought I had it hidden in a deep, deep archive, no one would ever. Let's stop talking about this. But I titled it, please do not look.

Let's stop talking about this question because it's starting to go to a sad place and instead talk about our new business where we go to people's houses and leave notes on their front door that say, I know, because that's a fucking life changing experience. That's like, that's like the game. It's like that movie, the game, because like you got some shit, even if you're like a good upstanding citizen, you got some shit that you need to come face to face with, you need to come to terms with, and you can either go to, you know, 10 therapy sessions or you can get a note on your front door that says, I know, and just all of a sudden be come face to face with the fact that your kingdom is about to come toppling down on top of it. Then make it actionable and put like,

I know, and you have three months. Well, that seems, I wouldn't make it more threatening than I know. But what it says is it's like, hey, you have three months to turn it all around, or it says in three months, you're going to die because I put a voodoo curse on you. That's not what I know me. I know I put a voodoo curse on you. And then on the back, it says thinner. And then under that, it says like the movie and book thinner by Stephen King. And thinner is printed there, the whole book. Yeah, I'm sorry. The note is left as a bookmark in a copy of the book, thinner. What if we did a remake of closer, and it was called closer and thinner, and it was just the four people, and they were just fucking each other like they were caught in a fucking sexy food processor,

and also they were just perpetually getting skinnier until, until dead. I'd watch it. I would watch it, too. I would watch that, though. Poor Natalie Portman would not last very long. Not that I'm saying Julia Roberts is fat. I'm just cutting off the emails right here. We're not interested in them, guys. We don't know who, we don't care who you think is thinner between Natalie Portman and Julia Roberts. Clearly Natalie Portman, no. Want to go to the Money Town? Yeah, absolutely. Griffin, who's first on the docket? First on the docket. First on the, in the catalog, is a, is a website called hugepop.com who asks our listeners to visit hugepop.com,

where you, not hugepoop.com, which is what I first typed in. Why would you do that, though? It was an accident. It wasn't an accident. At hugepop.com you will find strange, funny, and unsettling stories written and read to you by me, Adam Drint. You can read them, stream them, or download them, and listen to them on your mobile device. There is a, also a series of comedy audio sketches called One Man's World, and you can download or stream three hip-hop albums by the mispronouncer, who is also me, Adam Drint. Everything is free. That's all you need. You should have led with that last thing. Yeah, everything is free. Now, let me give me a moment of your time. You could be going

there right now to hugepop and getting something funny while you're listening to our show. You could be reading something too and just really expanding your horizons. I didn't think about getting into listening to hip-hop because I saw Kanye West perform yesterday on SNL, and it wasn't in any way terrifying. That's how I feel about that Macklemore character. He seems nice. Kanye West's performance on SNL last night compared to Macklemore makes Macklemore seem like my sweet little pussy bear. Kanye West last night, he is the angriest writ of all the people who are in the 1%. I think he is angriest at the 1%. I worry that there is some self-loathing there, some heavy self-loathing. I like that hook, though,

on New Slaves. That's a sentence that 200 years ago would have meant some pretty bogus shit. If you would like to be handcuffed, though, boy, do we have a great option for you. It's extremestreams.com. Just tell me about it. Come on. I'm on pins and needles, which I bought on extremestreams. Yeah, thank you, Aronis. Okay, great. extremestreams.com is an adult superstore. I'm at the edge of my seat, and also, there's a dildo glued to it. They would probably weld it. It's all high quality stuff. They would've welded it. Yeah, you don't want that dildo coming off inside your butt, or do you? You do.

You did. Oh, you did. Guys, for if you have not been to extremestreams.com, I have something awesome for you. There is a first-time buyer special right now, where you can get a ton of sex toys for $0.99 or $2, a small mini-massager, some anal pleasure beads, tie anal beads they are, bodage tape. No, I know what you're asking yourself. Can I just use marbles, and can I use scotch tape, and can I just use a regular massager to replace these three things? I'm not sure that I want to go the extreme bargain route with something I'm going to put into my pussy, but I do think that these are a great introduction to sexual play. Have you guys ever seen that show, Sexy MacGyver? Don't try to make your sex

toys at home. Don't be like Griffin. I'm a professional, though. I've been suiting my own sex toys for a long time now. Once you do 10,000 hours, you're an expert. Exactly, and once you shove 10,000 marbles in your butt, then you dead. You died. He went for it. I did. I shot for the stars. You know that scene in Nick O'Time where John Malkovich puts together a gun out of plastic stuff that he smuggled in, and how I might be misremembering both leading characters and plot points of Nick O'Time? Extremely strange. Griffin's like that with sex toys. Yeah, I make little guns, and I shoot them up my butt. It's the ultimate pleasure. You don't have to do that, though, because the savings are very real. With the coupon code,

if I shot a pistol at my butt hole, do you think I could survive? You'd have to stand very straight and open your mouth really well. This is important, yeah, what I live through that. Yeah. The bullet would come out of your mouth. I don't think I would. I don't think I'd come out of that one okay. I don't think so. Let's not find out. Let's instead go to extremestjays.com and use the coupon code. Swordfish. Swordfish. It's unbelievable. And you're going to save 20%, though. So please don't hack that or anything, because that seems to be a problem for people that can't help themselves. Do you guys want a yahoo? Please. It's the only hope I want to have,

so let's make it count. It's sent by Emily Wall. Thanks, Emily. It's by a yahoo answers user LunarCurer who asks, Farmers have seen some awesome secrets of nature. Tell us some, please. It's like sunflowers, bee dances, etc. I'm sorry, what was that second one? Bee dances. It's somewhere a farmer just smiles knowingly and slowly shakes his head. These secrets go to my grave, kids. I went to a murder mystery a few weeks ago at a castle in Ohio.

True story. Not a goof setup. Not a goof yet. We're not at the goof. There is no goof here. There's just truth. And while I was there, there was a man dressed up like some sort of battle monk, and he had a wife who was a nun, and they performed for us a dance that they learned from the owls behind their house to the tune of Thriller. I have a video on my phone. If you ever catch me in real life, you say, Justin, I gotta see that owl dance, and I will hook you up. Why? Where are the owls? Like, all right, from the top.

I don't want to see. You've been working on this for a while. I want to see some snack. Don't make it lazy. One, two, three, four. Jazz Feathers. Bee dances are apparently a real- They don't have hands. Sure, thank you, Travis. I think bee dances are a real thing. It's called a waggle dance, which describes literally every dance I'm also capable of doing.

Y'all who answered once responded, flowers are a plant genitalia. Secret exposed. Secret revealed. Farmers probably know some shit, though. They probably know some fucking earth wisdom. They're probably, well, not these days. These days, farmers just flip the switch on the machine that yanks the milk out of the cow's tits. Do you think that farmers still know how high the stick of more grows? I don't think no. No, I think the only- Well, why does the grinning bobcat grin?

They don't care about why the big red bobcat grins. They just want to shower him in chemical. You know, I- Can you paint with all the colors of the mountain? Listen, Douglas, I think your farm is great. I do think that if you did not have that giant sick moor in the middle of it, just to see how tall it'll grow. What, if I cut it down, I'll never know. You won't live to see it. No one will. My children's children will.

Their children's children are going to turn it into magazines. Man, that bobcat sure seems to like it, though. That bobcat seems to please his punch. How did he do that? I don't know. He's just that way. That's just how he is. Call him Henry. Everything is shale colored. You had dog's mountain colors, idiot. Paint with the color of the mountain. That's what I do. Apparently, sunflowers fucking rotate to follow these sun across the sky.

Yeah. It's called heliotropism. Didn't know this. I just learned about heliotropism from Yahoo Answers. Is it real? I don't want you to learn from Yahoo Answers ever. Griffin, you just yearn- This is the singularity. Everybody- I don't want to learn anything from Yahoo Answers either, but if it happens, then I'm willing to accept it because I love knowledge and I love drinking it up.

And apparently, heliotropism is the thing. Apparently, waggle dances. Wikipedia's telling me all about waggle dances now. I'm going down a fucking rabbit hole right now. Griffin to knowledge is like a sunflower to the sun. Griffin just tilts his genitalia. I tilt my plant genitalia at sorts. One of the Yahoo Answers responded, carrots.

Indeed. Revealed. I bet you guys, cows also know some shit, but mostly farmers know some shit about earth and the way things work that they're not telling us. About good dirt and bad dirt. I bet that's something they know a lot about. You know, what's funny is they know a lot about farming, but they've never seen like a tall building, like a car. Yeah, right. They would be horrified.

It would be very scary, but I bet they know all about what happened in Benghazi. I bet they know the truth about Benghazi. If you want to fucking suss that out, put a farmer on the stand. There's two things farmers know about, like agricultural shit and foreign affairs. And Benghazi specifically. I've been trying to get into gardening. Sydney and I have been trying to plant some stuff. And speaking of secrets that farmers know, one of those secrets that I don't know that

I'm betting farmers do is basically not knowing what plants will emerge from the ground and which I will have to retrieve from there. I literally had to ask Sydney about basically every plant. Like, will the pepper be in the ground or will it be above the ground? And I bet that's a secret that farmers have on law pretty much. Yeah, I bet that that's pretty important to just their general survival and their fiscal stability is just knowing sort of like where the carrots are at any given time. I can never remember.

Ah, shit. I did it wrong again. I dug up. Is it a carrot tree? Fuck. I can't remember. I did it bad. I am the worst farmer. I don't know any of the secrets of Mother Earth's beautiful womb that I grow my carrot children inside. I should never cut down that signal.

One of my neighbor farmers told me that if you feed a cow rocks, then he'll poop out whole watermelons that you can sell at the country fair. But they just killed them. They died. They're tricky farmers. That's the secret about farm wisdom is you, they're either telling you something that will enrich your life like heliotropism and bee dances, or they'll give you a little riddle.

They'll play a trick. They'll play a trick on you. They're like bridge trolls. They're actually descended from bridge trolls. They are. All farmers are descended from bridge trolls. They only speak in riddles. Yep.

There's another secret for you. You know that that poem God made a farmer? It's not true. God made a bridge troll. And then they just sort of naturally fell into another. They defied his teachings and they left the bridges. And so they were cast out of Eden. That's Genesis 1-1, baby.

Read a book. Read a book. Specifically the Bible. Specifically our new version of the Bible. The brother's grim presents the Bible. I want to ask a real question and help someone to undo the damage we did to farmers. Will you email, if you live on a farm, first of all, that's dope that you're listening to a podcast on a farm.

Second of all, email us some farmers. Because I'm genuinely interested in farm wisdom now. And a picture. Can I have a picture of a cow, please? Send us a telegram or something. I mean, they're farmers. They don't have internet. They're getting this podcast delivered on a jump drive.

The milkman swings by every day. I'm not sure why they would need a milkman because they live on a farm. He's picking up. He's picking up. Oh, I see what I see. I get you. I see what I did. They got to get it from somewhere, I guess.

Cow tits. Recently, during the exam period at university, I grew an exam beard. Recently, though, I noticed it's been drawing some nice attention from a few girls. So it seems to be working for me. This would be a problem if not for the fact that it's itchy as all fucking hell. So do I keep the beard as well as the attention, which has been quite nice, and suffer the discomfort? Or do I get rid of it?

That's from beard and loathing in St. Andrews. Well, I think at least one of us on this call is qualified to answer this question. OK, I'm going to rock everyone's world for a minute. But before we do that, though, can we talk about, is an exam beard, is that just like when people do a thing and so they feel like they have to have some sort of physical changes? No, I totally get it. I totally get it because it happens to me, too, when I'm installing a show.

And it's like, you just get so caught up in the old rat race. But it's not like he's taking care of your physical self. It's not like he's squirreled away a TI-83 in there, right? It's not like he has some sort of cheating. He doesn't keep notes in there. Secret notes inside of his. I whisper the answers into my beard. I shake them out.

It echoes endlessly. No, I think exam beard just means that he stopped bathing and stuff for like. He gave it up. He knew he was going full cave, man. I bet he's got it for this exam. I bet he's got a pretty crazy exam bush, too. My exam fingernails have gotten a lot of attention from the ladies. Travis, tell me, what's it like to have a beard?

It's pretty great, Justin. People often touch it for no reason. And the ladies do love it. We're in an era where it's coming right on back. It's very manly and the people like it. Let me tell you how to keep it from being itchy as I'll fucking get out. Wild man beard conditioning oil. Wild man is the brands.

Okay, but there have to be other. I know you're probably just do normal. You can do normal conditioner. There's beard wash. Grow it out real long so it gets soft and then trim it back. Honey. Pure. Yes, sweetie.

Pure. No, I'm saying pure honey. Okay. Massage a little bit of honey into your beard and it's going to be. You do a beer wash. It's going to be sticky and you're going to hate it. But you know who's not going to hate it? Bees.

Bees. Bees are going to love it. I've got an exam beard of bees that's gone with a lot of attention from the ladies. If you want to make a. I like your beard. I like the gnats in it. If you really want to watch a bee. I like how your gnats all over it.

If you really want to watch a bee dance. If you really want to see a bee fucking twerk it. Have a little honey in that beard of yours. And they will get so hyphy so quick. It'll just shake in front of you like let me up into your beard. Why are you grinding on me? Luckily I got this protected beard to protect me from your stinger. Protecting us both.

So that comes out. You're done. You're done. What if you saw someone with a giant beard in the middle of the exam just stand up and throw their arms in the sky and just say bees. And then the exam's over because bees just fly out of his beard. That's the end of the exam. That's actually in the college law where everyone then gets a bee.

That's your best option. And it's too hard for you. You say well I gotta get out of this one. And then the professor just slowly puts down the pen. He's been writing his dissertation with and walks out of the room and gives everybody a bee. Everybody gets a bee. Man this is a pretty cool college this guy goes. And then everyone turns and thanks you because they didn't have the courage to do it.

They couldn't grow an exam beard the lodge bees in. That's how we got. That's the thing you can't just say bees you gotta go like the full mile. That's farm or wisdom. I learned that from a farm. That's what I'm saying. This is applicable potent farm wisdom that I could be using in my everyday life. How do we know so much farm wisdom?

We're from West Virginia. We got it by Appalachian osmosis. Well see that actually the original rule comes from whenever a farmer had to pay the bank to keep their land if they grew a beard and yelled bees the the bank had to back off. Do bees actually come in in this scenario or is it just like the threat of bees? It's kind of like when you call like I have the power you know it's like that kind of thing where you're just summoning the courage of the bees. When I see a man with a beard you never you never know.

You look at someone and he says bees or maybe he just whispers and points at the beard. Bees. Are you going to call us bluff? Are there bees in the beard or are we are we to believe because of his crazy facial hair that he he possesses bee channeling abilities? Little column A little column B. It's all about the mystique and it's about really committing to the bit. That's the thing.

Maybe just one bee pops out says I know others. You should actually if you're going to sell this I think you cannot appear in class for weeks before because it has to they have to think you're dead. You have to fake your own death and come back with a bee that can emit bees. Or sorry a bee that has a beard. Hey guys what's up? Just trying something new. That's pollen Greg you're not fooling us.

I know it's a little spotty in some places but I'm a fucking bee. What are you going to do? It'll fill out. It'll fill out. Just keep growing. We're getting that stamen. This Travis you can shave your beard for your wedding. No my fiance would kill me.

I guess that's true. The only reason I had the beard is because Teresa insists. And the only reason he has the fiance is because he has a beard. That's true it's it's a one in one thing one in one out. Teresa has been living under the threat of bee attacks for two years. That must be that must be a fucking trump card. You're like did you will you please clean the pans? And she's like it's your turn to clean the pans and then you point to your beard.

And you say I don't want to. I hate to play this card again but you want me to try to get stung? And then she says no. That would explain why the last time we all had dinner together she was tapping in Morris Code on the table. Please oh god please his beard is filled with bees. Please help me. It also gives me safe harbor.

It also explains why I couldn't hear anything anyone was saying the entire time because of the buzzing. Travis probably had an iPod in there that just faked it. Where am I gonna find an hour long mp3 of bees? I can I will google hour long bee mp3 and. Nope. My show my brother my brother and me. We sure hope you've had as much fun listening to it as we have had making it. I can get an mp3 of bees in the trap by Nicki Minaj.

I'll listen to that. Thank you to people tweeting about the show using the mb mbam hashtag we've got Turk rules. Kane Taylor Wilson Nicole Mary Erickson Mike Susseck Kim Belushi B Root David Pemberton Jen and public Scotty Moe Richard E. Flanagan Sam Brasanti Jeff Grubb Christie Admiral Justin Sullivan. Thank you so much to everybody sharing the program. If you tweet about us why not include our sampler. It's bit.ly forward slash mb mbam 2013.

That's our brand new one just for you to help add people to the ever growing my brother my brother me family and two things real quick one we're coming to max fun con pretty soon. So if you're going to be there we want to know and we want to answer your questions at our live show so email us your questions and make sure you put in the subject line max fun con or something about max fun con in there and also I have forgotten the second thing. I just want to make a plea real quick to please actually I just just Ira Jacob Krista I don't know what I did but please come back to me with your good good yahoo answer submissions please please I need I need you back also if you if you've never done a yahoo

submission just send it to mb mbam at gmail.com or a regular question that's where those go but hard up for those yahoo's need them please nothing racist please please nothing poopy related to I remember the second thing okay the second thing was if you want to either get a shout out to your business like hugebop.com did or if you want to give a shout out to a loved one just go to maximumfun.org forward slash jumbotron and then get you all set up there it's $100 for a personal message and $200 for a business message um so help support the show and we'll help support you I want to thank John Rodrick and a lot of winters for the use of our theme song instead of Parcher which is on the album putting the days to bed um I'd like to put this day to bed and go back to

sleep it's 10 o'clock in the morning I'm a sleepy guy I was up really late last night I was up to like 11 30 watching the amazing race finale griffin uh do you have a final yahoo answer something to send us out on I know your reserves been running low I do um uh this one was sent by Andrew Burns thank you Andrew it's by yahoo answers user I have Guseyny who said who asks I need every insult the rock Dwayne Johnson ever made I'm Justin McRoy I'm Travis McRoy Griffin McRoy this has been my brother my brother may kiss your dad square on the lips maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported