My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 154: DDSM

Episode Date: May 28, 2013

Alternate titles for this week's episode included "Hair Pee" and "Cool Dads and Bondage." So, yes. Set those expectations high. Suggested talking points: Stuff Crazy People Should Know, High School Swag, Dad's All That, Tummy Punch Love, Name Change, Sub/Dom, Jelly Batman, Badaboop

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello friends, welcome to my brother and my brother, me and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy, and we are California bound. California, California, here we come. Beautiful, a natural phantom planet soprano.

Travis, when you said you were going to get a castration for this episode, I doubted you, and now I am completely and utterly doubting you. That's fair, I had it reversed. I don't think that can, I don't think you can transplant that particular gland. I did, and then I had it put back. Right, that's what a transplant is, and I don't, I'm saying that that's not... It wasn't really a transplant, because I didn't have it switched out with anything. It was more just like a brief hiatus.

I don't, but again, I don't think you can pause the existence of your, of your dung, of your dunger. I want to give some free advice to people about packing. This is starting the advice earlier than we normally do, but you should, the first thing you pack should be the last thing you'd want to ask someone at the front desk for, and in my case, that's always preparation H. That's the number one thing that I always pack first and make sure it's in there. Justin's luggage could be characterized by the number of shame cubbies built into it. Oh man, it's secrets upon secrets upon secrets.

It's like, you know that movie Heavyweights, when they're like, all right, let me check your bunk for food, and he checks the bunk for food, and I'm like, no food here, and then they leave, and then these fat fucks pull lifesavers and gummy candies and snacky treats out of every orifice of their luggage and their beds and their furniture in the room. That's pretty much- Mine's like that, but for anal treatments. My suitcase is like the life of Gary Glitter. It's just, just when you think there's not another place for embarrassment to hide. There it is.

Man, you make a lot of references to that person that a few people know who they are. Everybody knows who Gary Glitter is. Come on. Come on. Probably not. You guys psyched to go to the left coast? I am ready. I'm not looking for that time change, though. Well, actually, I was listening to stuff you should know, and they were talking about jet lag, and basically what you got to do is, as you're flying over the country, you got to stab yourself in the leg.

I don't think you're listening right. No, you stab yourself in the leg, and then the pain distracts your brain from the time change. Okay, so then you get there, and it's still three hours earlier. Yeah, but like you're bleeding. You're frequently blacking out. That helps the sleep deprivation. Yes, that's true. Listen, this comes straight from Chuck and Josh, and they travel a lot. I don't think it comes like fourth hand through Chuck and Josh.

No, no, no. It's what they said. It traps- I'm going to look in Chuck's face within the next five days, and I will ask him if you're lying to me. Now, he may not remember it, because it was from a secret bonus episode that they beamed directly into my brain while I was sleeping. Is that how you found out about 9-11 being an inside job also? Yep, from Chuck and Josh. Well, brain Chuck and Josh. Did you guys introduce yourselves?

I'm Griffin McRoy. I'm the only non-delusional person other than Justin on this podcast. And I'm Travis McRoy. Okay. The end. Period. Period. I'm in high school frequently. I'm complimented on my appearance while wearing formal wear.

We get it. Suit, tuxedo. However, I'm tired of these humble brag questions, these curio brags. However, the call to wear nice clothing is limited. How can I dress nice more frequently so as to appease my vanity without being a dick about it? Is there even a way to dress nice on a normal day without giving someone the douche chills? Or do I have to become that weirdo who always wears dress shirts? And that's from Gmail.

This is... Oh, God. I mean, there is, but not in fucking high school for sure. Yeah, that's the thing. Like, I have a friend, my friend Jeremy. He dresses nice every day. He's also a goddamn adult. Yeah, that's the thing.

And so, like, you think, oh, that's a well-put-together dude. Not, like, a 15-year-old who's getting above his raisin. Even in college. College is really, like, a $15,000 a year reason to wear sweatpants all the time. And, like, when you raise the bar by, you know, slapping some suspenders on... And I'm going to be... I'm going to be straight with you. Here's some harsh truth, because I know this.

When I work in the shop, right, and I'm usually wearing, like, my grungy paint jeans, and that's what everybody sees me in every day, then on the days when, like, we're opening a new show and I dress up, yeah, I get a lot of compliments. Because the unspoken thing is, you look better than normal. Yeah. That's why you're getting so... Oh, my God, you clean up nice, right?

The number of pretty woman switcheroo's, you are... The number of she's all that alterations. You can swing when you're fancy all the time, every time, is zero. Because everybody's fancy. So if you're fancy all the time, nobody's going to compliment you. When you're fancy 90% of the time, that one day, where you do just want to throw on some cargo shorts, you're going to do a reverse she's all that.

Oh, she's not that. She isn't anything, is what you're going to pull. She's nowhere near the idea of that. Mm-hmm. It's like, who's that bra with the glasses? Oh, man, it's her. Oh, who knew an uggo was under all that attractiveness all the time? She used to be so, so fit.

What happened? It's just the glasses, but... Are those pencils in her hair? Ooh. Thanks. Ooh. Well, the problem with dressing like that in high school, is that everyone is going to assume that your mom-mom dressed you like that.

They're going to assume your mom... Well, I don't know. I think... Here's the thing. I think there's a casual dress. I think that there are button-up shirts that aren't like dress shirts that you could wear with jeans and be well put together and take care of yourself without going full suit and tie every day.

Yeah. He's on that suit and tie shit. Here's the thing, though, because this is... I'm speaking from my experience of when I was in high school in 1982. Things have... The game has changed, I bet. Because have you got... Do you guys know about swag?

Yeah. I have a passing familiarity. Okay. I think that this might be a swag thing. I think this might be a swag because this kid, I bet, if he rolls up in high school with his suit and tie shit, because like Justin Timberlake just did that song about it. So like kids know that.

Kids love his music. You roll up to school in your prom best. I think that people... I think you're going to turn some heads and in a good way. Now a day. Wait, I have an idea. Okay. Okay.

And this will help protect you from wearing it out because you dress nice every day and losing the effectiveness and simultaneously keep it, you know, keep it interesting for all your friends. Bring your suit and tie with you, keep it at school, and then just change for one period out of every day and then change back. You know, baby, it's social studies.

Yeah. I don't look my best. And when they're like, wait, hold on. And you're like, excuse me? What? No. I've been wearing jeans and t-shirt all day.

This is, again, I feel like we have to return to an old classic rule here. None of our advice is applicable if you are hugely physically attractive. Yes. Because again, if you're really physically just very, very pleasing to the eye, you can wear a suit and basically just run the school. I mean, you'll basically be running the school. Ooh, watch out for the catch me if you can effect, though, wherever one thinks you're a substitute teacher.

When you say watch out, I mean, try as hard as you possibly can to emulate, right? Yes. Because I don't remember a lot about that movie, but I do remember that he got copious amounts of trim. Because there was that. Nigh on offensive amounts of trim. That was the 60s, though. All you had to do was put on a fucking pilot hat.

And it was trim central. You could go to a cheap Halloween dime store and then get the requisite materials to make a trim volcano. Ugh, God, why were we born when we were born? I know. Back then, if you didn't wear a suit or school, you got beat up. Exactly. I don't think you can.

And also, you know what? I'm not sure that's going to be pretty high budget to like the way you look. I guarantee it every day and still have, you know, a wide variety of looks to where it's not like. That kid is poor, but in a really weird way where his parents wanted one suit. Yeah, you don't have to be an affectation. We're like, that's the guy that wears that tuxedo every day. It has to be an affectation, though. I mean, your it's a clothing is all about appropriateness, right?

Like you can dress up or not as the situation demands. This is why we say on invitations like casual or Jimmy Buffett inspired or formal. Nobody has ever. Jimmy Buffett has never invited people to a Jimmy Buffett. Jimmy Buffett is is metacognizant of how bad his shit is. Wouldn't it be a sartorial if it turned out that Jimmy Buffett style was like full like black tie affair. And like you got there and like your your parrot shirt and everything.

And I was like, you miss her at it. It was it actually said Warren Buffett. God damn it did it again. Yeah. How about another question? You guys want to help another person? Do you want to Yahoo? Because I got actually like a shit time.

People came out. You got to get the fucking review all of them. People responded in full fucking force. Thank you to everybody. I'm probably going to be dipping into this week's stash for a while. So so thank you all. Let's let's kick things off. This one was sent in actually by two people by Andrew Jones and Oliver Hill.

Thank you guys. It's by Yahoo Instrues user turd who asks. Oh, you're done. That's it. Who asks, how can I get my dad to be cool? He's a really shy, nerdy guy. He's like 50. So can he really change?

My mom walks all over him and it makes me sad to see that my father is not a real man. Yes, he's a responsible man and a kind man, but not a real man. I want to teach him how to be cool and not so uptight. He needs to start hitting the gym, going out to socialize and maybe pick up a fun hobby like pool hustling or joining a motorcycle gang. Oh my God. 50 and too late to just fucking switch it and change it. We're talking about it.

Dad's all that, right? I can't take those glasses off. Oh, shit. You're a stigmatism. I forgot. Hey, hey, dad. Get off that riding lawnmower. Can't bother me, dad.

Come on. He cleaned you right up. Oh my goodness. Hey, dad. Dad of the year. Was that the Rick Moranis movie? What was the Rick Moranis movie? That was Honey I Shunk the Kid.

No, it was Honey I Shunk My Swag. Honey I Blew My Swag. How can you get your 50-year-old? Well, first of all, you're going to have to have a Frank conversation with him. With your dad, Frank. If your dad's name is Frank, it helps to say like, listen, you have raised me. You're kind and you're responsible.

I know my mom's walks all over you, but I respect what you've done for me and my family. Fuck you are lame. Manzo's. You just, man, I look at you and it's just, you're just a pitiful husk of negative manliness. The stork has not been kind enough to bless me with a baby from the cabbage patch, but I am 32. Right. So I would, I can't address something for you. Your dad is 100% aware at every waking moment how uncool he has become.

This is not a wake up one day and you have those socks with, you have Argyle socks on. This is a slow descent from relevance that started like in his late 20s and just kind of got worse. I would bet statistically though at some point he was probably cool. He's, that's the thing. He might be still, he might be in full blown dad denial. He might be in dad Nile, like he might be like the biggest. Dad Nile is just not a river in Egypt.

I know, it's not, it's not, it's not bad at all. Like he might be like a big parrot head and that might be like a mainstay from his youth. And he might just think like, I fucking get it. The world is, the world is moving in the wrong direction and that direction is away from Jimmy Buffett's relevance. I am still on the fucking cuttings, bleeding edge. Is this going to be a Buffett full episode? Maybe.

It's his birthday. What? Like, do you know what I mean? Like there are those dads out there that are like, oh yeah man, I saw the Eagles three times last year and it fucking, like that's, that's not, that is literally only your definition of cool. Even the Eagles don't think that that, that, that's Steve's cool. The Eagles know that. The Eagles are like, here's the thing.

We need to talk about your Eagles consumption, the Eagles said to the Eagles fan. The other side of this coin is so much more embarrassing that if you had a dad who suddenly just rolled up one day and full on like leather outfit and biker gear and like we ride in the motorcycle and he was like, hey kids, let's go check out the concert scene. Like you're not going to be. Hey kids, does, does anybody here like Drake? And then he fans out some Drake tickets. Yeah, you're not going to be more proud of him.

I would actually, that would be. That would be pretty great. If my dad rode his motorcycle from Irton, Ohio to Austin, Texas and then fanned out a fucking fistful of Drake tickets, I don't even, I don't, I know a single Drake song, but I would say yes. And I would hop on the back of that Harley and we would go have the best year ever. Right in the sunset. Your dad has to let his swag go for his children to become, I mean the universe has a finite amount of swag, everybody knows this, doesn't the secret, but the, he has to let some of it go

for you to become as fresh as you can be in your life. He regurgitated his swag into your open baby mouths when you were born and that is, and that's how you got the swag that you have. He transferred it to you, like some sort of highlander, but also a mama bird. Kind of mixed it up there. So the best thing you can do, the best thing you can do in your life then is to live your life as cool as possible as a tribute to him. To your dad's fallen swag, you're going to pick it up and take his mantle?

Because when you win the swag awards that I assume Spike TV probably gives out, then you can stand on stage and say, this swag's for you dad. And your dad's in the audience like, cool, thanks son. And he pulls out a calculator. Thanks sweetheart. Why do you have a fucking calculator at the swag awards? Because you won the swag awards. Your dad has just fully become booger for revenge.

But wait a second, who's sitting next to him with the swag awards? It's Drake. Drake sees him, he's like, I'm changing my whole look, goes full booger. All of a sudden, your dad becomes the definition of swag. Wait, what's the swag? Does your swag begin to drain away? I see his swag increases. Is it inversely proportional?

It's the swag of Dorian Gray. You're just putting your swag into a painting. Somewhere there's a painting of my dad getting less swag. Is our dad swag? Do you think? Oh yeah. Yeah, I think he's still pretty fine. I mean, he's got a pretty big collection of hero clicks.

Oh yeah. I think he's got a great office. He's got a cool look. He's got Twitter. He's on that game. He's good on Twitter, guys. Yeah, Doc Kerm, if you don't follow him, d-o-c-c-u-r-m. Follow our dad.

Follow our dad. He'll teach you. Wait, now we gotta charge him for that. He's really good at, he does like a YouTube instructional video series on like fancy basketball dribbles you can do. He does it. He has a whole series about like sweet ways to roll blunts. He'll roll like specialty blunts.

And he has a whole thing where like he uh, he does the acapella versions of acapella songs. It's really weird, but he like harmonizes with himself in video editing. It's pretty weird. He's got a whole thing, a whole scene going on. I want to throw out two special things this week. Okay. To Libby Sanders and Ben Masek,

both of them fucking send in farm wisdom. Oh, shit. Share that with us. Yeah. Libby Sanders sent me some pictures of cows and baby birds and stuff, which is awesome. And is that wisdom? Well, she also said that apparently roosters

fucking crow all day long. Okay, so that's the myth. Not just in the morning. Okay, that's bullshit. Why would anybody want that bird? It's like an alarm you can't turn off. I know. Here's some farm secrets, secrets from Ben.

Cows laid down right before it's about to rain. And I want to get some proof on this, but if you bail hay when it's wet, don't stack it in the loft because it can set fire to the barn. How? What? I don't know. That doesn't make sense.

That was crazy. And then he sent me a picture of a cow, which I appreciate. We did ask, we did specifically ask for that. So I really like pictures of cows. Yeah. But not when they're on Google image search already because I don't want a picture of a cow

that a bunch of people have already looked at. Oh, also Jordan Brown sent in some pictures of cows and farm wisdoms and such, and I appreciate it. Thank you, Jordan. Are these original JPEGs that they themselves captured? These are pictures they took of their farms. I'm going to have to, for now, ask farmers that write in to please write

MB&B AM on your cow so we know that your image is legit. I'm like, today's date. I just recently started dating a wonderful girl. A wonderful girl. She's two and I'm two. Also, I love girls. I loved him. Her cooties are so cute.

I have a small issue though. She's a professional wrestler, like the power bomb through a table kind of wrestler, which don't get me wrong, that's freaking awesome. But it comes with a slight side effect. She loves play fighting. Now, I like to play fight. But the problem is sometimes she gets a little too into it

and she starts to hit a bit harder on occasion. Play fighting is fun, but getting punched in the gut is not. Help, brothers. How do I get my punch love girlfriend to pull her punches? That's from Gmail. Oh, honey, please don't bring your work home. This time is for us.

Leave it at the office. How about you tell that, like, when she doesn't just go, ow. Or just go, hurt me. Hey, don't fucking punch me. Is a pretty good way to stop people from punch. Hey, if you would stop fucking punch, like, I get it, you're play fighting, but are you?

Is it play for her? Here's the deal, it's work, she's on the clock. It's either training or it's subtle psychosexual dominance that she is putting in there, putting in your relationship. Here's the problem, Punchy. Your problem is you should have said something the first time she did it. Because now when you bring it up, she's going to feel bad.

She's going to be like, I've been punching you for six months. Why didn't you say anything? I get it. But like, we got to take, we got to take gender out of this equation. We got to be gender blind on this one. I agree. I feel like hitting is an answer. Hitting's not good.

It's your words. Unless you are getting paid for it, which apparently she is doing. Yeah, you know, you're getting some professional hits. You're getting it. I mean, that those are people pay big money to see her hit people like that. I mean, you're getting it all for free. Maybe you should be a little more grateful.

It just seems very, this seems like a really dangerous. I mean, obviously like it's how fucking Houdini died. Yes. Thank you, Griffin. That's absolutely true. You know what I mean? This guy might be the the the fucking escape artist extraordinary of our time.

And we'll never know his girlfriend punches his liver to death. God, this makes me upset. Don't punch anyone. Hey, everybody, even in play, don't punch anyone. I don't know what else to say about just tell her that it hurts and that like get that like male ego bullshit. Like if this is legitimately an issue that is driving a wedge between you,

that the punches she does to your tummy hurts your tummy and it makes you sad, just say all those words to her. That is specifically all those words I just said. Hey, Houd, hey, please don't hit me. It hurts in the tummy. It makes it sad. It makes it a guy. I think I think that maybe you have to do away

with this whole part of your relationship, the whole play fighting thing. I think you have to probably let that go. Is is it possible? I don't want to I don't want to play psychologist, but is it possible that like she as a person has like physical issues where like that's just she's that's how she displays.

I will maybe be you're saying. You're saying she's a caveman is your well I'm saying that maybe like maybe it's not. We're looking at it is like her violence is stemming from her profession, but maybe it's the other way around. Maybe she picked a profession that allowed her an outlet for like her physical maybe the issue is that she's fully ripped up fucking biodiesel and because of that,

it makes her happy to express her desality by going full blown beast mode on her boyfriend's tummy Tom. That's exactly what I was saying. Thank you for translating. Well, just say it in like fucking human speak next time. Fair enough. Why don't you put the fucking those little glasses that only cover the bridge of your nose away and pull out your fucking

ZZ Top Shades. How will I read my spreadsheets? Right. That's what I'm saying. It is a spreadsheet free podcast. You got to give the people the common the common words. Fair enough. Like all of my words will come from common from now on.

Okay, good. In middle school, dad told us that if you punch a bully just once really hard in the nose like a shark that that's usually enough. So I don't think you should do that. Because I think that's a that one's that that dog don't hunt. I think I would not suggest that. Oh, maybe when like she punches you, you give her a glass of

punch and you pretend like you didn't understand the parameters of the game. Okay, that's fun. Except I'm worried if she's like a big punch fan, you are building up possibly what may be what may go down in APA history as the most unhealthy Pavlovian response. She may start some sort of juice vending machine with one giant punchable button, which is your turn.

It's like how Fonzie always punched that jukebox to get music precisely precisely. Don't punch people anymore. Don't just stop punching people. Hey, here's a here's a relevant question. My name is Chris Brown. How do I get people to stop making Rihanna jokes? Concerned celebrity copycat in Chicago.

Oh, man. Yeah. There's an easy answer. Yeah, get in the fucking cryo chamber in late 30 years. I don't remember who either of those fucking people are. Fake your own death. Well, I was going to say that when they say, hey, you just like go out to me, go, shh, I'm trying to stay under the radar

and then run away. I mean, I don't think you do, Chris Brown. I don't think you do. I do. So it's like you're pretending like you've had cosmetic surgery, but you refuse to change your name because you're really proud of your name. I mean, like Chris Brown is like the worst person at being incognito ever. What if he changed?

What if he changed his name? And they were like, hey, Chris. He's like, oh, I'm not Chris Brown anymore. I had to change my name because of all the Rihanna stuff. You can call me a J Simpson from now on. Like you changed the code J Simpson. Yeah. Yeah.

Cause like I love this. I just picked it at random. I love the Simpsons and like orange juice is like my favorite beverage. And so I just thought like, why not, you know, good on good. It's like chocolate and peanut butter. It's kind of not though, like that. It's not in any way like that. Let's go to the Monday.

I want to tell you guys about a new podcast that I am, I am learning about called the optimism club podcast. Now you guys know Stephen Andy, of course. And Steve Buscemi and Andy Buscemi. Stephen Andy Buscemi. Andy Buscemi is the failed clone of Steve Buscemi. He's the unattractive Buscemi, which is really unfortunate because Steve Buscemi already looks like a failed clone of somebody else.

He's a failed clone of Steve Goomba. It's a whole. They do a podcast that covers everything. You like comedy, video games, movies, comic books, comedy books, video comics. They got it all on there and they talk about it every week. They've talked about Batman. They've talked about the walking dead and the host spirit podcast. Hopefully there's only one that comes up in that discussion.

And there's an intro by an outro by Bob Ball, just like our show. So that's trademark infringement. And I expect the check is in the mail. So go search for the Optimism Club podcast and listen to it. I like this. I will listen to this podcast. So I'm sick of podcasts that just talk about how awful everything is. It's a wonderful world we live in.

It is. I'm happy someone's finally acknowledging that. Speaking of a wonderful world, it's a great world we live in where you can buy all the dicks you could ever want or need on the on the internet in a discreet package on extreme on extremistrains.com. Fantastic Griffin. Now, is this the same site where I can get some bedroom bondage like the under the bed restraint system, which I was disappointed to find out was a restraint system that went under

the bed and not something to lock someone hanging underneath your bed or some way to ensnare the monster. Some way to tie up that monster so you can f**k it. So you can f**k it real good. I'm gonna f**k that monster out of your bed. That would be a good way to suace your child's fears. It's the boogeyman. Don't worry about this.

Is there? Let me get out there. Ten minutes alone in here. Let me get out the f**king, the trap. Let me get out the f**king proton pack. Zips out. You can get 200 feet of bondage rope on this site for $55, which seems like a steal. I just think 200 feet of rope would be awesome.

Can I turn my office into the room of like some sort of safari hunter, but instead of having like a zebra head and a lion head perched on the wall, just like a bunch of dicks. And then people will be like, what are those dicks from? And I can say it's from the animals I hunted. As a carpenter, the trick is you gotta find the studs in the wall or else all those dicks are just going to fall off. Yeah. Well, that would be miserable because then people will be like,

why are all your dicks on the floor? And I'll say, I'm so ashamed. It's a dirty room. But I, I know what you're thinking. How can I, how can I keep up, you know, that level of decoration and not go to the poor house? The good news is that if you use the coupon code swordfish, the longest running hack this one, this is not a good password. It's unfortunate because we picked something that was unhackable.

I know. Maybe we should start putting like zeros and do some fucking cryptography on this bitch. That's going to get you a 20% off. It's swordfish with like a one instead of an eye. Ah, fuck, I ruined it. I said it. That's going to get you 20% off on the website so you can buy one fifth as many dicks. Do you guys know any wind talkers?

We gotta, we gotta do our next password in like a mix of like Navajo and binary. Xtreme Machines.com is the website. You can start that with an E or an X and it still works, which is nice. They got both of those locked down. They got everything, medical fetish, floggers and whips and you can save it all 20% off with the coupon code swordfish. They are truly wonderful people who are so stupid long. It's awesome. Huge supporters of the show.

I'm so proud of them. They're great people. They're so stupid long. It's awesome. Huge supporters of the show and we couldn't be happier to have them still supporting us. No one is more responsible for bringing this show to you every week, including the people on this call at extremestrings.com. So make sure you go there and support their wonderful website.

Hi, I'm home essential Brian Stoppy. And I'm feministy Aaron Gibson and we host Throwing Shade where we take a weekly look at all the issues important to ladies and gays and treat them with much less respect than they deserve. It's for gay people. It's for straight people. It's for lady. It's for people who love to laugh, who love comedy and love tragedy and love crying and who hate drinking and driving because that's messed up.

Don't text. Check out Throwing Shade. Subscribe for free in iTunes or go to maximumfun.org. Do you guys want a yahoo? I love one. This one was sent by Alan Black and he's Alan Black. It's by Yahoo. We haven't seen Alan Black in a while.

Well, I mean, he does a lot of chops. If you guys haven't been on the forums lately, Alan Black is frequently dropping chops on there, photo chops. They're all real. Are those the forums at maximumfun.org? Yes, those are the one and the same. This yahoo is asked by Kingmaster1 who asks, Is there a cursed sword?

I'm reposting this because no one helped me on the first one. Is there a place in Japan where I could buy a cursed sword? Real answers only please. No sarcasm. There is, there is, but you're going to have to fight your way there and then it is not worth it because that curse, it just kind of makes you feel like you need to go to the bathroom all the time. But when you get there, nothing happens.

So the curse is IBS because I've already got that particular, every curse, every sword is cursed for me in this scenario. That's why I'm saying the cost-benefit analysis is not very high. Unless you're the last dragon. Well, yes. Then you nullify it because you- Yeah, if you have the power of the glow, then I think that you can- Okay, well now we're getting into a whole-

Check, you got to check the Venn diagram overlap of do you have IBS and the glow? Because they're basically one and the same. IBS is basically just the glow. I mean, as phrase useful as it turns out to be. Listen, don't bring your medical science into this Justin, all right? I bought a $12 set of chef mate knives at Target that lost their sharpness within minutes. So really, I think that I have like 10 cursed kitchen knives. The thing about a great curse sword is that anybody can curse a sword.

Yeah. Fuck you, fuck this dagger, right? Fuck this dagger. Fucking was Ickishi, bitch. But- And then it's cursed. And then it's cursed forever. Or is it a way-

A back thing or can you pick what the curse does? Or is it just like when you curse, it's just like, oh, sorry, it's a little heavier? No, they're all IBS. It's across the board IBS. You could curse it yourself for the next person to buy it and just put some jelly on the hand. Oh, the worst curse. That's a terrible curse. I love that that's your go-to curse, Justin.

You're at the Comic-Con and you're like, I mean, if you're buying a sword at the Comic-Con, it's going to have some sort of moisture on it that's going to be unpleasant to the time. Some brand of condensation. It will have condensed out of the Con air. Not out of the movie. I mean, specifically out of the beer and the convention center. I have bought, I don't think I've ever bought a sword at a Comic-Con. I have bought two Kendo sticks.

Perfect. Let's air out our dirty laundry right now because I've bought at least four different phasers at Comic-Con. I have bought countless knives. Most of them throwing knives. Man, this is some shit that I bet people would not have guessed about us or they probably or they did. Probably absolutely.

There is something about, because I think the first knife I ever bought was like a decorative dragon handle and I bought it at the hunting and fishing show in Huntington. That's right. That's right. Nobody's going to fucking skin a deer with this Game of Thrones Valyrian steel blade that you bought at the Huntington hunting and fishing show. There is something where it's like every day, if someone says to me, hey, do you want a grappling hook?

I'd be like, well, no, I'd never used that. But when I'm at a convention, I see that grappling hook and I just kind of run my fingers across and go, yeah, I can totally see how. I love to envision this at the Huntington fishing show. Travis, in the corner of the hall, Travis finds a dark canvas tent, scribed in ruse. Welcome to the Tent of History. Come in, wanderer. It's made of dragon bone and purest methyl.

Also, do you want some jerky? I think one of my favorite, this is one of the sales pitches I was given at like 14. It was this triangle shaped black metal blade. And the dude goes, yeah, that totally won't show up in the metal detectors. Cool. Cool thing to say to a kid, to a child. But I mean, that's for like fighting terrorists on the plane. Not for doing the terrorism, but like if there is a terrorist,

you know how to deal with it. Oh, no, yeah, it's an American made stealth blade. Right. I bought kendo sticks because, A, I liked the idea of there being a sport associated with it. Not a sport that I would say was particularly big in West Virginia. There wasn't a particularly large kendo community, not a lot of sparring partners, not many dojos in general as a rule. But I also liked the non-lethal option.

You know what I mean? Because what if I was in the parking lot of Mid-Ohio Con and a couple of Ironmen came up and started some shit. I don't want to kill them with Travis's dragon blade. You know what I mean? I just want it in capacity. I still own that dragon blade, by the way, it's real wicked. I know.

I'll post a picture. I have disavowed myself of all kendo sticks, of all katana dakas. Where this ended up? Just over here. Dumpsters, and I gave one to Evan Minsker, so the dumpster outside of Evan Minsker's house. Let's be real. I give them away as gifts at weddings and stuff like that. Before we move on to the next question, I wanted to take you guys on the little journey

that I went on just now. I was going to give you guys some Wikipedia information about the hit film, The Last Dragon. But the only thing we're sharing on here is I want to read you one paragraph. There are four paragraphs about the production of this film. Don't read all four. I'm not going to. There's one about Bill Macy being in there because, you know, that's crazy. Here is the last paragraph in this section.

Julius J. Kerry III, in the role of Shonuf, trained in martial arts for the film, appeared in numerous television roles like Dr. Abraham Butterfield on Dr. Doctor, and most notably, the bounty hunter Lord Bowler in the adventures of Briscoe County Junior. He was a supporting actor in the R. Ray Moore film, Disco Godfather, and also appeared in The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh and on shows such as Murphy Brown, Family Matters, A Different World, Two Guys a Girl in a Pizza Place, and Boy Meets World. He enjoyed playing basketball. Kerry died August 19, 2008, of pancreatic cancer.

Oh, that's the, he was on Boy Meets World. He enjoyed playing basketball. And then he died of pancreatic cancer in 2008. That's the, that's the, not to bring it down, you guys. I should have ended in retrospect. I should have ended on the basketball. Well, but then the past tense of enjoyed would have left me hanging. Like, where's he at?

Or is this, where did he solo? Did he stop playing basketball? Is he not enjoying? I was under the impression that he had the fucking glow and that he would be an earth walker for the rest of his days, but apparently not. Apparently not. On Boy Meets World, he played Angela's dad in case anyone was wondering. And I was.

He also had the glow. He also had the glow in there. It was a very, very strange subplot on, on people. And Two Guys a Girl in a Pizza Place, I believe he was the chef at the Pizza Place. And he had the glow in that. Everybody has the glow. How about another real question? A girl who thought, oh God, I'm sorry, my reading is just going to keep getting worse.

A girl who I was. Okay. This isn't my fault. A girl who I was. I think it's a girl who I thought. Okay. A girl who I thought could be a potential chief. Breastly proposition me the old friends benefits.

This is a first to me, but I happily accepted as I am moving soon and no roots would be planted. The catch is in our first encounter, I was enlightened to the fact that she is a masochist. This too is a first for me. After that of exploring, she told me that I do not have the personality to be her dumb and said I could be her sub. Oh, you fucked up the job interview. You believe that where do you see yourself in five years question? That's like, yeah, we can't, we can't make it under my butt.

We can't make it a general manager of this branch, but, but we will fuck your butt with a broomstick. Is that cool? Is that cool? Don't use a broomstick. Use one of the many delightful adult toys, extremestrange.com. You're right, but those might not hurt enough. Anyway, go ahead. Brothers, is this endeavor worth exploring if only, if not only to further my experience

or am I swimming in the sea of sexy that is over my head? That's from BDSM in Brunswick. I mean, it's got to be pretty fucking sexy because there's like a shitload of people who, who are into that. Yeah. I mean, people, obviously there's, they're making enough money at the place. They sell things to do that. They can keep this stuff.

Our show is, we are basically the sub to, to the, the relationship between us and extremestrange. They are the dog. You are only going to, I mean, this is a great sort of intro point. I think you got to start as a sub and work your way up to a dog. Oh yeah. Do you assume? It's like you can't be a dog.

Oh, you got to get the resume credit. You got to put in 10,000 hours as Malcolm Gladwell would say. Yeah. Oh, God. You can't be an expert at BDSM. Just, I mean, you start. After 10,000 hours, you would be a fucking hand puppet, man. You're going to be limber.

You're going to be just empty. Empty, hollowed out. I had a pancreas when I came in here. Your master has claimed it. All right. I mean, I mean, being a sub is not all about getting, getting your butt slammed. No, but I think that if you didn't know the, here's what I'm suggesting. If you don't know the, the sort of culture of BDSM, it seems like there would have to

be a learning experience. And if your tutor is the person who's your sub, it seems like it would kind of ruin the fantasy if they constantly had to be like, no, no, no, just five inches deeper. I'm, I'm cavernous down there. So yeah, I think, I think as long as she knows that like you're new to this and everything. Yeah. Is there an apprenticeship that he can take on somewhere? Like a Blacksmith?

A correspondence course? Yeah. Is it a university of Phoenix? Yeah. It sounds like, it sounds like that's what she's offering him. Like this, I mean, right? It seems like if he doesn't have the personality to be your Dom, she's, she's willing to take on, uh, you know, this young.

What if, what if this is all a huge misunderstanding? And the next time. No, I said, I want to make you a self. And the next time that they show up in the bedroom, he is wearing his, his, you know, his pain shorts and he's already strapped himself in to the, to the bad boy chair. And then she walks into the room and she is wearing a very convincing Dom DeLuis fat suit. And he has to dress. That is the hottest sex play.

One person dressed like Dom DeLuis. The other person dressed like a sub burning sandwich. And he's like just torturing it. It's just, Dom DeLuis just goes fucking crazy on it. They had to fucking tint the windows of his trailer because of what he did to a subway sandwich. I'm going to eat all the pepperoncini's first, put them on my nipples and bend my neck down. I need a ride off. Now, at what point does it stop being like a play thing and start being like a tribute?

I do a historically accurate Dom DeLuis. It's a two man show. The other man doesn't have a lot of lines. I think it's deep. I think you have to change it to DDSM because the Dom, for, for as a tribute to our friend, Dom. Dom destroys sandwich meats. I, you know what? Fucking go for it.

Yeah. You only go around once and you should live like you're nine and just, just see what this experience is like. Maybe you dig it. You're only going to find out a few, I think if you don't enjoy it, obviously, you know, it's not something you should push, push yourself into. But I mean, what the hell? It's the kind of thing you set up a state for it and stuff, right?

Yeah. So duck tails. Oh man. You guys want another Yahoo? Yeah, sure. Uh, this one was sent in by Ira Ray. Are you Ira Ray? Who wants to know?

Sorry, too much of a pause. I didn't know. It's been a while. You wanged it. Thank you, Ira Ray. It's by Yahoo Answers user skaterboy854856 who asks, How can I make my punches more explosive? What can I do to make my punches more explosive?

The way I see it, I can buy a heavy shot put. Buy a heavy medicine ball. Do clap push-ups. Those are hard. I bet I've never accomplished one myself. Does he want his punches to be more powerful? Or like he wants to punch things and they just. I think explosive is kind of a catch-all.

I think he just wants his punches to be better in general. You know, Bruce Lee had a philosophy where he just solved his power like water because you pour water into a cup and it takes the shape of a cup. Or you pour water into a bowl and it takes the shape of a bowl. So he would take all of his water and put it into his fist and punch like that. He called it a wet punch and people would be like, Ah, what the, ah, man, now I'm wet. Oh, man.

Yeah. And they would be so discombobulated by the by the dampness that they would not know how to retaliate. What if you put jelly on his fist? What would be more unpleasant? Just that I worry that a lot of your solutions to a lot of your problems are put some preserves on it. Are you being paid by big jelly?

This isn't even the first episode where you suggested you get back at, like a good prank would be to put jelly on somebody's door handle. Like you are like jelly Batman. I prefer the sticky bandit, but thank you. Why is my fucking door handle jelly? Pray to me. What are you doing? Stop.

You're wearing a belt that is just covered in smuckers. And you just scoop some smuckers off your belt. Why so sticky? See, it wasn't even Batman. It's the Joker. He's also the sticky Joker. Okay. Can you?

I'm not wearing something sticky. Is that better? That's way better. I mean, you hold a, you can hold so many things to augment your punches. Oh, that's true. Roll quarters. That's supposed to be good. Roll quarters.

A dildo from Extreme Restraints. Oh, nice dildo punch. No one's coming back from that for a lot of reasons. You can put a lot of those, you know, those little snap things that you buy at firework places you throw on the ground. And then they pop. Put those, get a big fistful of those and punch someone with it. Or just like cover your hand in hairspray and light it on fire and then punch them.

Oh, shit. That's good. Can you tie? That'd be fucking terrifying. Tie your fist to the hood of a car and have them just go. Have your friends pick you up and launch you at them. That's a good one. Can you use?

Can you stand on the hood of a car, have your friends drive at someone really fast and then stop short and you just fucking fly forward and give them that huge inertia punch. I like that. Hang upside down from the ceiling with your fist extended and when they walk in the room have a friend cut the cord and then you just drop on them with your punch. Then you got that extra gravity in there too. That's huge.

What if you had those big hands? Get on the bottom of a piano and have them drop the piano. A lot of mine have to do with dropping. What if you have those big hands that they had in the Foo Fighters video? That would probably be good. Just get Dave Grohl to push you into someone. Yeah. What if you were a Hulk hand?

That would depreciate the... Ooh, but inside the Hulk hands, lead. That would still, I think, I still think the softness of the hands would... Outside the Hulk hands? Okay, inside the Hulk hands? Stars. So you punch someone, the sponge contracts and expands, pushing the stars outwards into the person's face.

Correct. That's correct. And they're like, oh, that didn't hurt. And you go, haha. Didn't it? See you soon. See you soon, because you're the angel there. Because you're going to nurse them back to hell.

I also don't know how stars works. Oh, God. I'm a doctor who specializes in stars. And this is how I get my business. I haven't had a lot of business lately. See you real soon. Stupid post office security checks. Just rotate your hips, I guess.

Also, that works. I mean, that is what they tell you, I think. Really? Does that work? You put your feet, you spread your feet as far apart as you can possibly make them go. If you can do a perfect split, then that's great, because that's the kind of leverage you need. Because the important thing to remember is the power doesn't come from your bicep. It comes from your knees.

And you make the loosest fist you can with your hand. Because a loose fist punch hurts way more than a tight fist punch. And you can hold more jelly, though. And you can hold a lot more jelly. That's right, Travis. A closed fist holds no jelly, as the father says. As Lee said that. And you just give them the old...

Slap them. Give them the old Bronx handshake. You know what I mean? Did you just admit that? She admit the Bronx. You know, I had a girl give me a Bronx handshake and a sticky joker once. And I broke up with her shortly. And then I was like, baby, please don't punch.

No punching. What if this is written by that guy's girlfriend? My guy. If there's one thing I know about my boo, he loves punches in his tummy. How can I give him that punch, juicy, sedescerally craved? A couple days ago, I was texting with a male friend when he suddenly brought up his sexual preferences.

He was quite specific and detailing what he liked to do to women in bed when before, we had hardly grazed any sexual topic before in any conversation. He was quick to add that he was kinky and asked a few questions about what I like too. Dabar Farama! This may be incredibly obtuse, but even to their female friends, guys don't just bring up this for the sake of idle chatter, right?

Like ever? I mean, he wants to go straight to Pallantown, right? Am I missing something here? That's from Textual Sexual Surprised Indianapolis. That's pretty good. Hey, buddy. Hey, pal. I'm into pee.

Hey, old chum. You know what I like? On pits. Is it, okay, first caveat. You can't ignore the possibility that your friend left the room and his asshole friend picked up the phone and started texting you. Oh, that's good. That's good.

I like that. I mean, we obviously just a few sort of like super clear caveats here. We embrace any whatever you want to. Not pee play, though. I'm sorry. The line must be drawn here. Anything is fine. But like, don't change the tenor of your relate.

I mean, you can't just, you can't just change your heading, your course heading in a text. Like, it doesn't work that way. You can't just decide to change this whole direction. That's a very uncomfortable situation. Leave a voicemail at the very least. Something, right?

If you're going to drop some kink, if you're going to drop a kink bomb on a. Do it on a YouTube. On an acquaintance. Upload a YouTube. Make it private. Please. Please.

Send it to a bud. Have some decorum. Um, this is the growth. This is, this is perhaps the grossest. What, what, what is it fitting you about? Just the fact that like, there's no, these, these people are complete platonic friends, right?

This is what they made it sound like. He has skipped. Even if they didn't want to, even if he didn't like, even if they were not destined to date, even if they were going to go like, straight friends, friends and binnies. He has skipped every fucking step between,

hey pal, how's it going? Do you want to join my kickball league? And let me pee in your hair. At what time of day did this occur? Because if it was like two o'clock in the morning, he might have been drunk. There's not, not, not that I think that makes that better. It doesn't.

It makes it okay. But I'm just saying like, maybe that was his games. Like, oh, I was just drunk, but he was testing the waters. And with the excuse of saying he was drunk later, which is a dick move. Oh God.

See, the problem with this is you can't go back. You can't. Because either your friend wants to, to pee in your hair, or he's a total fucking weird beard. I mean, maybe it's about, maybe it can be both. But like, either he just thinks

that a cool thing to do with the friends that he's not especially close to is to text about, about his armpit play. All of his flybit sexual weirdness. Yeah. And the weirdness is not this things that, I mean, to be clear, I feel like you guys aren't being clear enough about this.

I'm not saying it's weird to be into pee or armpits. Like, nothing, nothing is weird. Everything is accepted. No, no, no. I'm saying that the weird thing is the, is the non sequitur shift to be like, hey, do you want to go see Greg Gatsby this weekend? Oh, also I really like it

when people dress me up like Little Bo Peep. It's like, oh, I do want to see Greg Gatsby, but now not with you. Why would you want to see fucking Greg Gatsby anyway? I want to see it more when I saw a Photoshop of Greg Gatsby, but I would see that movie. I know. But yeah, that's the thing is it's not about

what the dude's into because fuck it. But like, hey man, don't, don't put people on the spot. Don't put people on blast. I think that you are within your rights to either confront this dude and be like, hey man, that's not cool. You know, like A, for a lot of reasons,

but like, where'd that come from? Unless, unless we're always telling people to live like they were dying. What if we accidentally gave this guy the advice to do this thing? Like, I've got this girl that I really, really like. So far, all of our communique has been totally platonic. How do I set things off and get weird with her

in her armpits as I am want to do? Okay, so let's, let's look at this from a future advice kind of thing. If anybody listening here wants to tell some random person about all of their stuff, please, please, please start it off with, hey, I'd like to tell you something kind of personal or I have something not like just random chatting about like, hey, what are you going to do for dinner?

Doesn't that sort of erode the sexual topsoil of, of, of their, the geography of their friendship though? Like, doesn't that kind of, if you want to explain your kinkiness to somebody, doesn't it kind of negate that to be like, hey, heads up, things are about to get pretty crazy in here? Brace your face. This SMS message is about to get naughty.

Is the problem with this that the friend is assuming his sexual preference? Because I feel like if this is a platonic male and female, that there wouldn't be the same, you know, it wouldn't have some of the same attachments, right? I don't understand because there's a male friend who says what he likes to do to women in bed. Yeah, she is, she is a girl.

I'm almost certain she is a woman. I know for a fact because I put the question. Okay. Okay, well, all right. Okay. So here's, I like, here's, I, we are missing the bigger question. What, which is the bigger question is she is asking with him bringing this up, is he just like randomly telling me as a friend,

all the weird stuff he's into, or does he want to go to the bone zone? Oh, no, dear. Oh, no, madam, madam, no. Make no mistake, this is an easy one to thank you, Travis. You put this into stark relief. He's definitely trying to have sex with you. Oh, there's not like, this is not, this is not. Let me check my advocates real quick.

Click, click, click, click, click, click. Yes. Let us also be clear. If this question were about, I have a friend who likes saltwater taffy, but I like sweetwater taffy, our response would be he wants to have sex with you. There's, yeah, I mean, yes, that's correct. You are right. He has gone about, okay, see now your guys is response.

If she's a woman that makes so much more sense while you guys are, I mean, that's very, that's, that's very presumptuous of him. It would be presumptuous either way, but that is very presumptuous of him to start sending. Right. That's, yeah, don't do that. Yeah. So I would say he definitely wants to have sex with you. And it seems like even if you, even if your preferences,

a hundred percent synced up with his, his assumption that you would, based on no prior discussion, tells me that he's not a dude you want to continue to associate with. But what if she's into that? Like it sounds like we are, She wouldn't be asking us the question. But we're just assuming that this guy is a total mustachioed weirdo. But what if he is just like a fucking like Gordon Gekko,

like let me cut to the chase. P. Boom. Ba-da-boop. Ba-da-beep. Ba-da-boop. Like P. Like P, you're yin-yout. Zips out.

Ba-da-boop. Gross. Gross is good. Gross. I'm going to cut to the chase. No fluff. No bullshit. My P, your hair tonight.

Ba-da-boop. All that, I mean, it is fair to point out that like texting is pretty cumbersome. So he didn't want to spend a lot of characters on romance. Yes. I don't think that that's so. He just said it was two characters. It was a capital P and a question mark. And then in a follow-up text, Ba-da-boop.

And then a smiley, a winky face of Motocon. Like, yeah, we get, we didn't need the Motocon. I think we all got the intended purpose of the original message. And my answer is yes. Tonight. Absolutely. Tonight at the Motel 12. Don't tell us.

It's, it's too, it's too, it's too. Motel six is back to back. I want you to pee on me between them. I mean, Ba-da-boop. I would like to know her response, right? Like, what, he must have been getting a much different vibe than, than she was from their texts. Like it is a very sort of like, I don't know.

What if he said, like, do you want to go see Great Gatsby? And she said, oh, I'd rather have someone pee on my hair. Well, the moment he's so fighting for. I should mention that. This has been my brother, my brother, and me. We sure appreciate everybody listening to the show. Thank you to everyone tweeting at us. Alonso Dural, Kat, Jonathan Mitchell, Tyler Watt, Ian Johnson,

Jacob Blocker, of course, our man, Juden Port, DM, Garrett Smith, Pepperoni Sinclair, Nicole Tompkins, and, and put together an East Coast MBNBAM meetup to send off her friend. The Trisket off to, off, off to, he's, he's shipping out to Afghanistan. So we, we wish him all the best and, and we hope that they had a, a great time out there. And, and of course we'll keep him in our hearts and minds.

Yeah. He's going to have a great time out in Afghanistan. Just like chilling. I hope he just has a wonderful time. I think it'll be a real character builder. So I think he's got plenty of character. He's like fucking USA. He's fucking characters.

Welcome. Was that USA? Thank you. I guess thank you for defending our, uh, that actually had a beautiful banner at the, at the meetup that just said getting it. Nice. So unless that wasn't at the meetup and just at somebody's house, which either way, I'm just looking at Twitter and there's a lot of things on there.

Um, and, uh, we, we, we so appreciate you guys listening to the show and tweeting about it. If you want to share our sampler bit.ly forward slash mb, mb a m 2013. It's a great way to get people into the show. If they're not already listening. Um, I want to thank everybody who sent in Yahoo answers. Seriously, like 10 times as many as I got last week. Like everybody fucking answered back my plea. Thank you guys so much.

I also want to thank John Rodrick and the long winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. Fuck your Daft Punk album is what I'm saying. Daft Punk. No, thanks. Vampire weekend. Who needs it? What I need is just this same album over and over again.

Two quick max fun con reminders. One, um, we're going to be at max fun con. So if you're going to be there too, uh, start formulating questions in your head that you would like to have answered at the live show. And then come find us at some point during the weekend. So that maybe we can have you, uh, have your question answered live. And two, um, for all of you who will not be at max fun con, just remember that because we're doing a live show,

it always takes us a little bit longer to publish. So it'll probably be a little bit late. We should also probably talk about the fact that we may have to miss an episode, not next week, but the week after when Justin and I are at E3. Yeah. Yeah. So just get, just get prepped for the fact that like June 10th may be kind of a dry one, by which I mean not non-existent.

Yeah. There won't be many jokes that week. Not a lot of jokes. Keep us in your heart still. I hope you won't forget about us. Uh, a third reminder for those of you who are attending max fun con, please don't speak to me. No, talk to, talk to, especially to Justin.

Talk to, talk to Justin, but don't make eye contact. He's sort of like, no, don't make any jokes because then people will do it. And I'll forget about the joke and I'll think everyone's gone insane. He's like the face of the A team, our A team. Here's what's important. When you see Justin form a protective barrier around him, but facing outward. Don't make Justin look at your eyes with his eyes. Don't make me uncomfortable.

Just be like, no, do say hi though. I'll be upset if you don't come say hi. And then be prepared to, uh, courier messages between Justin and John Hodgman and back. Because they do not. So much beef still. They've got, there's this crazy east coast, east coast beef with those two. And I just don't understand. This final Yahoo answer was sent in by Drew Davenport.

Thank you, Drew. It's by Yahoo answer user Dan G. Who asks, I'm going to read this in an appropriately disappointed voice. Why does my son make laser gun noises in the bathroom? I'm just a macro. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother and me.

Kiss your dad. Score on the lips. Thanks. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.