My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 155: Face 2 Face 6: MaxFunCon 2013

Episode Date: June 4, 2013

Live, from MaxFunCon, it's My Brother, My Brother and Me's show-closing spectacular! Well, okay, it's not live anymore. It was live on Sunday. Now ... now it's dead, we guess?

Please welcome to the stage your max-run favorites my brother my brother and me The McIlroy brothers McIlroy brothers The McIlroy brothers the McIlroy brothers The McIlroy brothers the McIlroy brothers the McIlroy brothers I was worried it would break the flow of the song, but it sounds super nice.

I think it sounds better. Girl talk actually got in touch with me, like, oh, teach me your secrets. Hi, everybody, is it okay if I lead things off? Wow, okay. Sorry, but I just wanted to bring up, before we started, because it would be a smooth transition. Three different people have come up to me this weekend

and told me that they had horrible dreams about me. So if anyone can give, like, lend any specificity to the terrible way I'm apparently about to die, so I can look out for it. Omen's important. Hey. You can introduce us now, Jess. Hello, welcome to My Brother, My Brother,

main advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy, and I'm your middle-list brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your baby brother, Griffin McElroy. If you've never listened to our show, shame on you. Yeah. This is an advice show where we help people. We have been here at, well, hold on,

I have a PowerPoint presentation I've prepared to help guys. You can brace your asses. You're ready? This was my first PowerPoint presentation, but I think I really nailed it. Here we go. OK.

Now, what is it? Is that Helvetica? Is that? Helvetica. It's a nice, tasteful Helvetica, I think. Some nerdlinger here probably knows what it is. Come on. Yeah, right now.

Oh, my god. One nerdlinger was a conservative estimate. Yeah. No smokers, 14-thought experts. That's Max Fun God. So we did something funny happen to us. Were we going to talk about something? I forget.

I just, funny shit happens at camp all the time. Yeah, yeah. Nothing. How has everybody else has Max Fun been so far? Max Fun God? That's easy. Raise your hand if you forged a lifelong friendship this weekend.

Lifelong friendships? Lifelong friendships? That's pretty, I mean, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. I saw some people not raise their hands, which bums me out more than. You have like three hours. For our radio listeners, I would say like 90%

of the people raised their hands, but that 10% was like, ah, come on, guys. There was probably a moment where somebody raised their hand expecting the person next to them to raise their hand. You didn't. We didn't. It seemed, I thought. OK.

I think people get like friendship desperate at the end of the, like I drove all the way up this fucking mountain. It's like last, it's like last call. I'm not leaving this party at midnight until I find someone to be my best friend forever. We wanted to mention before we leave the camp chat segment of our show. We extended well thought out camp chat segment.

We will be doing some questions from you, the audience, in the second half of our program. So try to think of something that we can help you with. Don't, don't be a bomber. No, just keep it light, keep it light, keep it fun and make sure that we remain the center of attention. Yeah. Did nothing, did nothing talk worthy happen to you guys

this week in camp life? The only fun moment I had, my favorite moment so far was Friday night, I was hanging out and I saw this gentleman who I was just amazed. He was so funny. And I was like, you know, he should be a comedian. And it was Kyle Kinney. Yeah.

And I did not realize that until Saturday. And I'm just really glad I didn't walk out doing like, hey kid. Hey, keep those, keep those stars in your eyes. I see something wrong, you, something like a mole. You're going places. Sing with me. I got a pocket.

Are we? It's a real launching point. We can make you a star. Are we able to talk, because there's this ubiquitous thing that I feel like everybody experiences at Max FunCon. But it involves. Yes, we can. Regularity, so to speak, it involves.

No, I don't want to talk. Is anybody else dosing like a rock star? Like it's your full-time job. We want not to. Is it the altitude? Is it the, I honestly, God, don't know what is going on. I can overrule this. Hold on, wait, I can save us all.

Oh, no, but if you press the button, then we can't. Ah, camp is gone. Flyer check. So we were at, you want to discuss any more, come find me after the show. We'll talk about poop all day. You won't find him. He'll be in the bathroom.

So we stopped at L.A. Hotspot, Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. The Inglewood location. Yeah, we stopped at the authentic one near LAX. I'm not sure, they all seem pretty authentic to me. So we ate a big meal, and then as we were leaving, we spotted this flyer. Griffin, do you still have it with you? I do, I don't want to hold up the unsavory parts of it.

I'm sure you LA locals read it every week. You're all subscribers. You got to show them the front. It's LA Express. It's a massage guide. It's a massage guide is what they advertise. Can you fold that half? So yeah, this, yeah.

There's a woman in it, and she's, we don't want that. And we don't want to talk about that because it's gross. It's the grossest thing ever. The whole flyer is grody. There are full-length features that are just ripe with grossness. But there are a few pretty amazing things in it. Now keep in mind, every page of this flyer

is filled to the brim with invitations, OK, sort of enticements to the flesh. Honeypots. Honeypots of sexual delight for money, basically. Except for these pages. First of all, there is a full page. The entire rear page is dedicated to four movie reviews for this massage guide's in-house movie critic.

I assume that's a gig you work your way up to. Spoiler alert, he hated all four movies. Yeah. Which is surprising because. Where's the nudity? Yeah, I think there's probably nudity in at least two of these movies. Yeah, I have not seen it.

So that's the first page. It gets weirder from here. There's a picture of Brad Pitt with the story above. This is not about Brad Pitt. It's about people you can have sex with in the area that you live. And thank God that right up in the top corner there, they've labeled it just in case. In case you're un- Who?

This guy's going places. And the piece de resistance. Yeah, I actually just wanted to point out, there is an ad on the adjacent page that is advertising women as silky. Which I did not know. Seems like more like a fabric softener ad. But here.

OK, so here's the last one. This is not bullshit. This is just one of the pages. So what we're working with the radio fans. Our listeners at home are probably just like, it's a butthole. It's definitely a butthole. It's got to be a butthole.

I've listened to this show before. It's a ghost horse butthole, something. This is McKenzie. Again, still like the listeners at home, like, oh man, oh no, what's wrong with McKenzie? Check out that pussy. Oh, fuck, it is a, we are talking about a kitten. It is a sweet precious, and I would say,

appropriately horrified kitten. This is an advertisement for a local animal shelter, looking to get rid of this cat. Which seems like the most inhumane thing ever, because this is the grossest, this is the grossest publication. What is the big diagram of people who are going, yeah, I definitely want to have some sex,

and also I'm looking to adopt a kitten. I think it's just one circle that says, lonely. So anyway, that was the flyer that we found. It's time to get into the vice portion of our program. This is our wheelhouse, I guess. This is where we. This and talking about porno advertisements. Actually, that is actually kind of our wheelhouse also.

Thanks for your stories. Yeah, I'll take one. So here's our first question submitted to us by a reader. Earlier today, I bought lunch at a local bakery, and as an impulse purchase, I bought a York peppermint patty at the register. However, despite paying for the candy, I accidentally walked out without taking the snack

out of the jar. What's worse, I didn't remember that I'd abandoned the candy until long after the deli had closed, meaning that if I want to retrieve the patty, I actually have to go back a full business day later and embarrassingly explain my mistake. What is the protocol in these situations? Do I return tomorrow and let them know about my error,

or is this a dollar I'm simply not gonna get back? That's from Snackless in San Francisco. Let me tell you one thing I know for sure, you're getting that fucking patty. We are gonna get through this together. This is a great opportunity, I think, to steal because you can steal the clean concha, it's yours. It's just living without stealing the patties.

He exchanged currency for goods and services. You just put it on the layaway. Yeah. I got the remaining 37 cents. What if I'm ready to get the sensation? What if that was this dude's steeze in that he just sort of went around his town and just sort of planted seeds of,

like next time he's in this convenience store, he can be like, I need to get a pack of cigarettes, and also, you owe me one York peppermint patty that I did purchase a while ago, and then he has a little surprise treaty wasn't expecting. Review the security case. Get the security camera, get the footage, I did pay for this patty.

That's gonna be hard to convince him to give you that, though, because he's not gonna remember your face. No, for God's sake. There's people in there trying to scam York peppermint patties. Oh, that's hot. Listen, I know how these...

I know that you probably get this a lot, but... I wanna get the sensation, and I did pay for the sensation, so just give me the patty already. You think it's a big patty? You think it's one of the big ones? Or one of the small ones? That was a dollar, I fucking...

For a dollar, you're getting a full-size patty, right? One would hope. There's not a joke here. There's not a joke there, but the economy, you guys. It's fucked up. The economy's a joke. We're doing a little bit more observational stuff this time. Yeah.

We're working out some new material on this supportive crowd. You want a yahoo? Yeah, I do. Thought there'd be more meat on the peppermint patty bones. Yeah, me too. I thought it would be funnier for longer, but no.

Have you guys ever had a york peppermint patty? This is good. You guys know what I'm talking about, right? This is a blind alley. So we actually have another resource for people that we help from the yahoo answer service, where people submit,

nigh, anonymously, submit questions, and then we find them, and then we help them whether they want it or not. So Griffin, what's our first yahoo answer question? The first yahoo answer was asked by a yahoo answer user, Gerald. Who asks, is just Gerald as funny? I guess it is kind of funny.

In the context that he's a yahoo answer user, paints a real nice picture. Gerald asks, is it safe to drink my brother's sea monkeys? I told my brother that if he doesn't get back my vintage Motley Crue t-shirt I got from my uncle by today, I was going to drink his sea monkeys, but he didn't believe me.

And he didn't give it back yet and said he won't. I think I should stand my ground and drink them, but I don't want to die or catch a disease or something. You, I meant, gosh, I like that stick-tuitiveness though. That's the kind of gumption this nation was built on. I don't want to drink your weird babies in water, but I'm going to. I will.

I want that shirt. He's not going to get the shirt back, but we're talking about punitive damage. I think if you watch a man drink your water family right in front of you, that is the man who is capable of anything and you will give him whatever he wants. I have a particular set of skills.

Actually, this one is drinking your babies. Especially if you don't do it all at once. If you just like slowly sit up and go, I'll keep going. I love that. This Gerald has informed us of what his brother's hierarchy of favorite shit that he owns is. And apparently at the top of that is a Motley Crue t-shirt that he is not willing to part with under any circumstances.

And then right behind that is his sea monkeys. And it's like that dude is beyond punishment, isn't he? He's like he's too sad to fail at that point. I think brother of Gerald has made a serious miscalculation just strategically because he has a pretty clear vulnerability while with those pets in a big tank of water that's made of plastic. I mean, you don't even need a brother to drink those a stiff wind and your whole sea monkey or just the passage of like six days

because that's really all those guys have in them. Some of them get very full. That's where shrimp come. They have bad hearts. What? Sea monkeys have bad hearts. It's all the inbreeding. Yeah, that's true.

That's real. Look it up. What else are they going to fucking do? They're not going to. They can't like get out. They can't hold out a job. Yeah. Maybe it's the best if he does drink the sea monkeys.

OK, now wait. Now they would be killed, I presume, by the stomach acid. Right? I mean that. Oh, God, you better hope so. Yeah. Or else you're going to have you're going to have a fucking interspace scenario happening.

Oh, you are going to have an interspace. That's what happens in that movie. Yeah, who Martin Short drinks some drink some baby prawns and Dennis Quays, I don't wear. I got this. I'm going out buddy. Don't worry. I got this bronze.

This is interspace to where he doesn't shrink down. It's a very, very. Are you saying Martin Short full grown Martin Short in interspace, too, is has a full sized Dennis Quaid. OK, we'd have to write some sort of sci-fi in a script because we'd have to shrink Dennis by at least 25%. Or grow Martin Short. Exactly.

Martin Tall. Stupid. Stupid. Hello, hanging fruit. Stupid. Is that as bad as it's going to get today? God, Christ, let's hope so. I think it's safe.

I just don't think that you don't get your shirt back. No. And you're queasy. And you're both going to know that that happened for the rest of your life. You'll always be able to. Yeah, and you're going to have sea monkeys controlling you from the inside.

Yeah, that's terrible. It'll be like interspace. You know. Hey, guys, interspace jokes. How about the next question, Jeff? OK. Hello, brother's McElroy. This one is actually submitted by somebody

who is in the audience assuming they are not hungover or dead. Hello, brother's McElroy. Are you having fun at Max FunCon? Me too. This was written before Max FunCon, right? This was before Max FunCon. So this is a big leap. What should I name my car?

It is a 2011 Mazda 2 hatchback in black. It's very cute. I thought I could go for a while without naming this car when I first got it. But I've had some bad luck in the first year of my ownership, broken windshield, dented door, punctured tire while driving on the highway broke up with my boyfriend.

So I think not. I didn't write that. So I think not naming the car might have something to do with this. If it helps, I named my last car Sally Ride. That's sincerely Lisa W. Lisa W, are you with us today? OK, well, we'll do our best. Are you blaming all of your bad luck on the car? Or is it the car's fault?

You think it's a boy car or a girl car? You didn't ask? You got to check. Look at the car fact. When it talks? I always wondered what those are for apparently. It's for having your car sexed. I mean, what color is it?

Black. That helps. Hatchback? Hatch black. That's not a good name. What? Griffin, what have you had? Is that a car that you've named in the past?

My 2006 Toyota Matrix. I call it Trixie because Trix is in it. It's not funny, but I just answered the question that you asked me on stage. Can you call the car Jason Marazda? And then, because those words are almost the same. That's actually not bad. How do you feel about Jason Marazda?

That's pretty good. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I love the music of Jason Marazda. Can you learn to? Can you open your heart to Jason Marazda? Let him just sidle on in. You got to jam a cassette because I assume that your car that was produced in 2011

has a cassette player. Jam a Marazda cassette in there and then get a butter knife and then really wedge it in there. And then that'll be the permanent soundtrack for Jason Marazda. It's a super good idea. I worked at a boarder that was exactly like that. 24 hours a day.

That's not it. How about a Yahoo? Yeah, sure. Oh, this will be interesting if the call and response works out. This one was sent in by Ira Ray. Are you Ira Ray? Who wants to know? Wow, it works.

That's gratifying. It was by Yahoo Answers user Sammy who asks, what are some simple mysteries that I can solve? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Be serious. My dad said to start. It's misspelled start, but it's hard to pronounce it. Small and build my way up to big mysteries,

like spirits and houses, hauntings, et cetera. I need to know some simple cases. Please and thank you. One of the more mannerly Yahoo Answers you've got, Sammy. Yeah, I like the blatant. Don't start with Encyclopedia of Brown. Those were way hard for me still. I cracked one open recently thinking, oh, I'm 32 now.

This should be. And I'm cut to 20 minutes later, like, well, OK, the first Battle of Bull Run couldn't have been this, because the sword said on that. Love those books. Didn't make me any better at mysteries, though. I think your parents have to plan the mysteries for you, because I don't know how old this person is.

I hope not too old. You've got to get an early start on the mystery game. It's like being a gymnast. But you can't start young. What could start as a small mystery could unfurl to be like gangland, violence, drug trade. Yeah, just like a national treasure.

He's trying to find the Constitution. And then it turns into a whole thing. It starts out with him doing a tricky Sudoku. And by the end of it, he's just wrapped up in a fucking John Voight shoot him up. That is the problem with if you've ever read any mystery, it always starts with what appears to be a simple mystery.

I don't think you can definitively say, this is going to pan out to be very simple, because what if it's like that sweater? You start pulling that yarn, and then it's just, whoa, there's a whole case here. Then you have the mystery of the unraveled sweater. Yeah. Your mom is super pissed off that her sweater is fucking gone.

And she's like, here's a mystery. It was me, a mystery salt. That was simple. Let me look at some clues. Let me just think back. Yeah, that was me. I did that. It's a pretty good clue, my memory.

When we were little kids, I don't think Griffin was. When we were smaller. I don't think Griffin was born yet. And Travis and I. Can we not tell the story then? Because like, who gives a shit? OK, this is BGM before Griffin McRoy. And Travis and I had discovered food coloring.

So we filled every drink. We could get our hands on with food coloring. And then we decided to see what effect it would have on the carpets. And then our mom came down. And I just wanted to tell this story, because that seems like a pretty easy mystery for her to solve.

So if you could set that up for him, just put some food coloring on your mouth and on the couch, and then sit there and wait. And I think that as his parents, it would be pretty easy. And that was also just a really good bit for the family circus fans in the audience. Like, people who don't like all the blue humor we usually do, and just want some like, Dennis the Menace-esque shenanigans.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being tasteful for a few minutes. I've been pushing to get us to be a little cleaner, and I think that was a great start. What did you guys think? We don't use thank yous. That was muted. That was definitely muted.

You want to do another question, Joseph? Yeah, sure. It's actually my turn. Oh, wait. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. It's not a sad lives don't fucking worry. Don't worry.

I was not allowed to do that. A hem. Yeah, yeah, no sad lives. No, it's the worst. Whoa. No, he didn't prepare them. You guys know I can't improv rule. I can't just make it up.

And then there's just a story with one moist. When you improv mad libs, it's just shouting. It's time for a break for some farm wisdom. Here's a song that I just wrote farm wisdom. I think he just did the hot pocket song. Farm wisdom, farm wisdom. It's a song that I just wrote farm wisdom. Come on and get yourself a goat farm wisdom.

There's two more verses in there. And that beautiful head of yours. Oh, maybe not. OK. This comes from farm wisdom. This comes from Osama and Mariko. Here's a bit of wisdom. If you see a skunk or possum during the day or any nocturnal

creature, you shouldn't approach it. That usually means that there's something wrong with them and that they're sick. That sickness is usually rabies. Farm wisdom. Here's a song that I just wrote farm wisdom. In what scenario at any time of day do you see a skunk or a possum like, oh, I got to get up on that.

Hey, little guy, let me approach you. Don't worry. It's nighttime. This is totally cool. I'm going to adopt you and teach you to pick pockets. Come hang out with me. The only way I approach a skunk is if there is a larger skunk behind me.

That's it. That's all. You guys ever seen a raccoon in real life? Yeah, they're digs. There was one on our balcony once. Not a joke. Oh, man. Obviously.

Clearly not a joke. How about an actual question? Let me actually help somebody for once. My co-worker and I have been dating for the last year. You want to start over? Yeah. And do it with less of a motivational speaker than it was. Can you edit that not griffin all of you up here

and set that out? My co-worker and I have been dating for the last year. Since I don't answer to him and he doesn't answer to me, there is no rule against it. However, we've done our best to keep it on the DL to avoid gossip. Recently, when we put in matching vacation requests, my manager put two and two together and figured it out.

My question is, does there need to be an I know you know conversation? If so, how do I approach the subject of our not so new relationship to reassure her she hasn't been duped and reiterate my good work ethic and loyalty to her and the company that's sort of exposed? Wait. So the fear here is that the manager found out and went,

why didn't you tell me? I'm so hurt. I thought we were close. We go to Margarita Tuesdays every week. You got to not do it at all. Right. Is the right answer because, hey, it's not her fucking business.

I guess it is because of human resources. Literally, it's her business. I mean, it's her business. Finances and profit margins. Margins. ROI. I think one of my rules is, if you want to convince someone that you haven't been hiding something from them,

the time to tell them is not after they discover it. That is a tough sell. If you pull that off. This is apparently a simple mystery that somebody can solve. There you go. It's a simple mystery. Here's the thing.

You are just going to deflate your boss if you come out and tell her straight up because either she's very satisfied with herself that she fucking cracked this Da Vinci code. This sexy sexy Da Vinci code that's going on right under her nose or be it's going to diminish the sexiness of the whole thing to be like, yeah, we're we are together and it's not a it's not a sexy dark sexy secret. Say sexy more.

I'll get to it. I want to space him out. I mean, they have to know that you have to tell them, but I do think it sets up an unrealistic. I don't have an end of the sentence. Okay. Is there a way is there a way you can say it that acknowledges that they already know that you are dead?

Like, can you just be out of things to say, you know, oh, yeah, we're going on vacation together. We're we'll I guess we're brother and sister. No, and we've been hiding from related this whole time. We're the same person. Surprise. You're missing the obvious answer, which is that doesn't sound like us.

I know you have to admit it to everyone. Come clean, but then stage a big fight and break up, but then double back on your sexy again. And maybe this time you invite another person and just keep growing the sexy. It got weird. It got weird. Yeah.

You made it weird. I got halfway through that sentence when no, no, no, no, no. It's too late. Yeah. You got to do my new. My new thing is I'm going to. This is a secret improv. Convo you can take this one if you want.

If you don't have a joke, just say you don't have one and then wait. Another joke will find its way on to your path in a very organic man. Sometimes I start a sentence thinking I have a joke that I'm going to tell and I realize that I'm just saying literally the next word that pops up conjunction. Okay, good article.

That's great. Is there a subject coming up there? Keep the ball up in the air. Keep it. It's a conjunction. Fuck it. Just roll with the punches. Roll the punches.

How about another Yahoo? Yeah, sounds good. This one was sent by everybody. Oh, I mean, no, I don't do it twice. Okay. It's by a who answers user. We walk alone who asks. You are sitting registering for Yahoo answers.

You know what's sad is that the oh and alone is like a special character. It's like the oh with the slash through like a no smoking sign. What I don't know what that's called or what its purpose is, but that's what they use. Till day. It's an interior till day and which intimates that somebody

else already registered. We walk alone. I bet there's probably a few variations on that theme throughout. We walk alone asks how do you ask a girl out to breakfast without it sounding like you want a one night stand. This is this is a tricky needle to thread. Additional details.

She loves waffles and basically most breakfast foods. Details. Yeah, that's it. That's all. She loves. Okay. So that does tell you something about our character. Um, I mean, you can go to just the blunt approach and say,

I want you to have waffles, but not sex. That's how I actually I order it. I hop every time. Me. I'm going to have it all looks so good. I'm so hungry. We waited a long time. I'm going to have waffles, but not sex.

Please do not try to have sex with me. Keep it under your apron, darling. Um, is he and also some berries. Is he Rudy Tootie fresh and fruity. And no sex, some sex, some light sex. This is my fourth time at I hop. I'm willing to entertain it. Do you still do you still have the bottomless sex?

Just wait. I get it. Okay. If this guy is worried that she is going to assume that post breakfast, he is going to want to have sex with her that it seems like a fallacious thing to be worried about because nobody has ever eaten waffles and then been like, I feel like ready to get down. People in this room are fucking chocolate cheese.

Blitzes. Nobody's looking around like who's going to be my 11 o'clock hookup. I think I wish I was napping right. I wish these three brothers would be quiet so I could take a take a theater nap. Griffin actually wouldn't let us me and Travis have cheese blitzes. He said we wouldn't be funny if we ate those. He said we'd be too full.

This is not a joke. Griffin has gotten super protective of my diet the whole time I've been here. He's been like really demonstrative. Justin kept getting. I don't want to put you on fun. Go for it. Go for it. Justin kept getting salads and then just like eating around them in such a perfect

manner that the salad would sit unmolested. Like in the perfect shape that he put it on the plate and you like even address the fact like maybe maybe next time salad. I thought about it. I want to be the sort of I look around. I look around at everybody here and everybody's getting salad like they like it. And I just think I want to be I want to be where the people are eating eating that salad and seeming to enjoy it.

People are getting salad of their own volition like it has a flavor that they like I don't know how to process it so I just get some salad and then I get embarrassed because I eat everything else because it all tastes better than salad. You're so much of a salad salad. But you know you don't you don't walk back with the salad on your plate to throw it away and then go we tried. Yeah. Well now he's wasting it so that's good.

He thinks he thinks oh that's salad that somebody else doesn't have to eat. You're welcome the rest of the world. Oh God I've been waiting. I've been going to dinner later and later hoping the salad bowl will be empty. I was actually aligned yesterday. There is no salad. Got to rough up. Yeah.

Yesterday I got no I did not realize here. There's my salad in expertise. I got no dressing so just a big pile of leaves and then the next time I grabbed something that looked like dressing and was olive oil so I just kind of coated it. I wondered why you were doing that you. I don't know what dressing you were doing like a you're doing like a fancy flourish like a halfway sandwich artist and I was like what do you. That's not for that for a time.

I tried to get into salad at restaurants. My lovely wife can attest to this. I tried to get into salads at restaurants by asking them to bring a side of pizza sauce. What was the illusion that you were chasing there like it's just tomato. Waiter ever act like that was something anyone else had ever done. Oh yeah. Pizza salad. Yeah.

Right there on your sides. It's impossible for you to serve the salad in like a bread bowl but like just flat and triangular and like if you want to melt some cheese and let's go light on the leaves. You can. I want pizza. Can the leaves be from a pepperoni tree. Anyway, Justin didn't eat a salad and I had to develop a system of reward points that he could exchange for dessert.

I would be eating a bite of salad and Griffin would say I that looks like about 80 cookie points. You need 100 cookie points to get a cookie so you can either have eight tenths of a cookie now or you can finish the last two bites of your salad. I'm 32 years old and it worked on me like God help me if I didn't just all right come on salad. You don't like me and I don't like you. Let's finish this.

So this is the part of the show where we are going to take questions from the audience. Wait it hasn't started yet. Sorry, hold on. This is the part of the show where we will take questions from the audience. Just remember our original disclaimers. How are we going to do this because all we have now is a mic and a chair. I don't want them to share the spotlight. Can you guys get the chair but put it on the ground?

Can somebody get, no. Who has, I guess we'll just raise your hand. So raise your hand first. Is your question a bummer? Is it a bummer? No. Okay good. Good start.

How can we help? Hot. Hey. Okay it's taking the stage. Take the stage. Okay. What's your name? My name is Greg from Omaha.

Hi Greg from Omaha. And I have a question. It's going to start bummer. It gets better. Oh god. Greg, what did we say? Is it going to have a bummery finish? No, no, no.

Hopefully. No. So about eight months ago I got out of a long term relationship. How long term? Nine years. Listen. Pull it out of the fire Greg. I was cheated on, dumped for another person.

Son of a bitch. God damn it. Come on Greg. A colleague in the community I work in. Since then, total recovery sandwich situation. Nice. Made it up. Named it up.

Like Vietnam? Like ex-girlfriend to the trees. Come on. Come on Trapp. Where's the sensitivity? Two promotions dating again. Yeah. Yeah.

Greg. But anytime I hang out with that group of people, the fellow colleagues in my field, that know about that situation, I feel like I get looked at like I'm a kicked puppy. I want to know how I can shake that. Greg, I got bad news for you. Is this still a bummer? It was a bummer. Like a hundred percent.

Fucking start beginning middle and the entire short story. He's a kicked puppy. Every fucking sentence had an element, a taste of bummerness in it somewhere. We learned about pie making yesterday. They said you have to have butter all through the crust. And you had bummer all through the crust. The bummer melts to leave flakiness. You could just walk into the room and go, I'm good.

Yeah, that's what people who are good always say. It gets disheveled and it's bedraggled as you can possibly look and walk in the room. I'm doing fine guys. Guys. Don't look at me like that. Yeah, I'm good. All for that without anybody asking. That's important.

You got to lead with, hey, I'm good. I'm doing fine. Hey, why do you want to shake it? Why don't you parlay it? You could parlay in one, a promotion maybe. He's already done that twice. Okay, so you've been already making it work for you. For your promotion.

No, I'm sure you're very talented at what you do. Yeah, it was a pity promotion probably. Nice. Nice. That's the way to pick up our spirits. Now you're getting, now you're guilting us. Now it's about you. It's because of excellence.

Yeah, there it is. In your field. What field is it? Maybe we can find some humor in there. It's got to be something somewhere, right? I teach poetry and theater. Okay. Okay.

What, okay. If I may, what promotions are there in that job? They give you more kids. There's 10 more. You're doing a, this year you get a desk. Greg, I think that you, you, I can understand why you think that. The good news, I think is that people will always think about others a lot less than they think about themselves.

So if you, if you just do Greg, just do Greg. For a few more weeks, I think, how long was the relationship? Nine years. Okay. Three more weeks. But do Greg three more weeks and people will inevitably move on to their own problems. Yep. They cannot keep in their head actual facts about other humans that long.

They have to just let it slip out so they can remember the lyrics to the new Psy song. They're hard to memorize because they're not English. Greg, does that answer your question? Yeah, yeah. So patience. Patience, Greg. Patience, Greg. All, this too shall pass.

Let go and let go. Like, okay, go said, this too shall pass. Should I do the dance from that video? You definitely should not do that. No. Thanks, Greg. Thanks, Greg. Hey, Greg.

Round of applause for Greg. He really put himself out there. Even though we expressly asked him from doing so. Who's hand went up first? I'm terrible at this. Yeah. We got time for everybody. I'm going to help everyone in this room.

It's not like we have to go anywhere. I'm going to break these fishes and loaves up where I was going to get help. Jesse, how much would it cost us to lock down like your head for another day? Just, he's not going to answer that. It's probably an astronaut. That's fair. That's good. Good instinct.

Hi, what's your name? So I'm Laura. Hi, Laura. From the Midwest. Hi, the Midwest. All of it? Yeah. Well, most of it, thus far.

She's a rambler. It's true. Ohio, Iowa, Michigan. That's it. You touched them all. What's your question? So my question is, if you're cheap and you say you don't want to check your baggage, how might you get your rocket lube past security sheets for your life?

I'll tell you. No, no, no. I'll tell you. This is great because this is a universal question everyone's worried about right now. Because you're not leaving it here. You finally got lube without having to buy it from a store. You're never letting it go. This is the loophole.

Or making it, making it yourself out of coconut oil. You don't really have to make anything. You just use the coconut oil. You go to Target, and you buy the travel pack of empty three ounce bottles, and then you just split it into multiple three ounce bottles. And you actually have to say, I'm putting lube in these, and then you line them up on your nightstand. So when people come in, you'll be like, this is my collection.

They're single server. Or you could do like a bandolero of just lube packets. A lube, a sexual lube. This is going to be... Of a lubricant. That one uses during love making. This is going to be gross. Do we know if the bottle is under...

Do we know if the bottle is under over 3.6 ounces? Yeah, it's four ounces. Okay, first off, you got to drink some. This is going to be simultaneously gross and too forward to make it too stranger. But if you are going to hide it in a cavity, it will be super easy to do so. Because you have what you need. And the problem with the bottle itself is that you can't use that bottle. Because can you imagine that TSA security screening guy getting dressed down by a superior?

Just to be clear, we're keeping an eye out for terrorist threats, and the bottle said rocket lube. You didn't set off any alarms there that maybe it is... Right. That's what you use on the missile side to make sure that the rockets come out as soon as possible. Right through there. You could also just do it in little baggies.

Do you have any Ziploc baggies? She was cheap. She didn't want to buy things. Let's be clear, people. Answer the question. I don't think they let you just put loose, fluid, and Ziploc baggies and bring it on to airplanes. I don't think you can fucking do a makeshift Capri Sun and be like, no, no, no, it's cool.

Maybe soak a towel in it and then ring it out when you get home. That's great! The perfect crime. Is it, though? The problem with any solution here is you have to be ready with an answer because you cannot go to the screener and they say, so what are these? And you say, well, there's several small baggies of lube. I have many pistons at home, which I need to keep working in their most efficient state.

They're sex pistons. I hope we helped. Yes, thank you very much. That's what I was saying. Thank you. Who else has? Who else? Oh, yes.

Elliot, come on up. Please no talking. Just complete silence through the just no talking. Namaste. Hey, guys. Hi. Elliot from London. Hi.

So fancy London. Hey, Elliot. What's your not bummer question? My not bummer question. So I have a flatmate. He's a lovely, lovely guy. Roommate? I was translating for people.

I wasn't correcting. Go on. Let's have one non-completely xenophobic show this year. Who's afraid of Xena? I've been sitting on that joke for three years. Oh, God. The answer is we do share a room. No.

So he's a lovely guy. He's got a job just like I do. Same wage and all the rest of it. It's like living with a toddler that has a career. He doesn't seem to understand the concept of cleanliness and not leaving marks all over the walls. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Are we dealing with a Harold and the Purple Crayon situation?

Is he imagining? No, he's sort of like the grubby marks around light switches and leaving stuff on counter. What the fuck is this? Holy shit. This is what I'm saying. Peanut butter with his hands. Why are you rooming with pig pins? The problem is I've known him since we were 12, and I can't sort of leave him in the

lurch and stuff like that. Otherwise, a lovely guy. I've tried every sort of pleasant conversation that you can have with a lifelong best friend about this sort of thing. How do I get him to be an adult? You could try cookie points. Cookie points would be good. Bath time points, I guess.

Bath time vouchers. What is it? They serve bath time vouchers in this magazine. Give me a sample. In the conversations that you've had with him, what's the tenor of those? What's the general tone? Well, they've ranged. Yeah, right.

But generally, it's along the lines of like, you know, if you clean things up now, they will be easier than cleaning them later, and I won't have to yell at you and try and be your mother. You don't use that tone, though. No, I don't. But that's what I'm thinking when I'm saying it. Did you know, when you were growing up, did he have a nickname like Grubby Hank? Okay, then this one's on you, dog.

Like, you don't live with Grubby Hank. You go out and hang out at bars with Grubby Hank. You don't bring him into your dome as a child. His nickname was Scruff as a child. That's the same principle. But the cleanliness thing wasn't the thing until I actually lived with him. Oh, no, he just had a beard when he was a child. Basically, yeah.

You gotta move. Yeah. Don't move. I'm rethinking it. I was rash. I'm sorry. I mean, you were his last shot. You know that, right?

Like, his parents done fucked it. Yeah, that's done. You were his last shot at having a normal life. And you've got to sit him down and grab. Don't touch him. I was going to say grab his face. It's like, oh, is that jelly? Do you put jelly on your face?

I keep little tubs of those, you know, those alcohol hand washes around just because... At restaurants? Like a barbecue restaurant? Yeah. You just hold on. Come here. Let me tell you. People might not know this.

I'm kind of a messy person. How the fuck would they know that? Yeah, they don't live with your travels. They know your fucking voice. They don't know your mannerisms. I'll post some pictures. Okay. We rarely leave in the sound of you tripping over a milk carton.

You're left on the floor. We need to edit that out. The argument, if you clean it now, it'll be easier than cleaning it later, is false. Because cleaning it later is inherently easier because it never comes. That's the problem. That's his entire attitude with everything in life. And I don't know. Have you considered leaning into it?

Getting super dirty yourself? Getting on the British version of hoarders, whatever it's called over there? Just shitting all over his bed. No, don't shit on his paywall. Whoa, what the fuck? Whoa, Elias. We're talking about like... Because you got to think about mass and you got to think about volume.

The hoarding is a volume game. You want to have stacks of shit. Not shit, shit, shit. And then the money that you get from being on hoarders, you can buy a maid or a nanny. For a human. I don't think they pay people to be on hoarders. Yeah, if you're on hoarders, they pay you like a hoarder stipend. They look at you and say,

Don't spend it all on crackerjack, Katherine Elliott. Wink. Do you think that the hoarders, guardian angels that come in, they're just like, Oh yeah, your shit's super fucked up. Later, bye. Have fun with your whole situation here. No, they do an extreme home make-up. I think a good twist on hoarders would be if they left all their stuff together

in a specific location and then gave them a clue. And then it turned into like the amazing right side, you can get it all back. It's all waiting for you. Your treasure trove of barbecue options. Just make it fun. Whatever you do, make it fun. Alright, I'll do it. Game of fire.

Thank you very much, guys. Round of applause. Thanks, Elliott. Thank you, Elliott. How we doing on time? What? We doing good. Yeah, we doing good.

A couple more. Who else has a question? Who else needs help? We'll help anybody. Oh, wait, hold on. Let's do a Yahoo answer. Let's drop in and just remember my password. This Yahoo answer was sent in by Crystal Whalen.

Thank you, Crystal Whalen. It's by Yahoo answers user Janine, who asks, financial aid at Hogwarts? Does Hogwarts provide financial aid? Or do I need to submit the wizard equivalent of the FAFSA? So this raises some legitimate questions. I think if you don't have financial aid at Hogwarts, it's going to create sort of like a class warfare and it's just rich,

get more magical, you know, situation. It's, you got to have financial aid. Like, I imagine they never really touch on this in the books or the movies, but I imagine it's an expensive institution. It's a fucking castle. Right. Most castle-based schools require a large sum of money. I'm going to ask you guys a question I've been wondering for a while.

It's slightly off topic. Perfect. Uh-huh. There has to be one Slytherin kid who's like cool, who's like nice. Yeah. You sit in there in the commons room, just be like, you guys, come on. Come on. Harry's okay.

That's a good point. We're not. The four house-based system of Hogwarts creates its own class warfare in of itself. You got the one percenters in Slytherin. You got the, I just don't know what the Hufflepuff people are up to. There's just a bunch of fat babies. That's all I can think of. When I think of Hufflepuff, I just imagine fat babies waddling around to a magic.

You know, why are there only humans in another terrific point? Yeah. There are only humans going to Hogwarts that we know that this world is populated by several different races. And intelligent races. Intelligent races. There are fucking centaurs in the fucking back yard. Like, hey guys, can we get some magic too?

And it's like, yeah, that'll be 200 currency, 200,000 nuts, nuts. I think. Zinny. I think it's Zinny. You're welcome. You know, there was one ogre, there was one ogre kid that got admitted and just like, tried to pick up a beaker of magic and smashed it in his hands. Never mind, I'll see myself out.

I'll walk through the wall. I'll telecommute. I'll just go to Hogwarts online. Hogwarts online. Hogwarts online. Oh man, what a bummer that would be. Like, oh shit, you missed, there was a fucking, this crazy wild troll got out and we had to find him off.

There's a fucking, the second wizarding war. You missed some shit, man. Yeah. No, I was eating this hot pocket though. That was pretty good. That was great. Gmail servers went down and I missed my final. It's like literal Phoenix University.

Because magic. All right, let's help somebody else. How can we help you? Oh jeez. I apologize for sweating through the shirt. It's a it's, it's hot up in this comedy lodge. Apologizing to me? Yes, specifically.

Hi. Hi, I'm Sarah. Hi, Sarah. I'm Justin. I just got a new job that's work from home. I was wondering if you had any advice on how that, how to do this. She's like... Sister, if you can figure it out, let me know.

Can you afford to hire six to eight people to just be around you? I've been working out of my home for... ...four years now, just my home. Just me and my cats. I pay my wife. Well, no, I mean, during the day, I pay someone to clean the house, just so I have visitors.

FedEx, man, is my best friend. Get okay, and get your boss okay, with the fact that your first year, you're not gonna do very good. You're gonna do a super bad job at your job. All the things you like are at your house. It's the right there. Most importantly, your sleep zone.

The place where you do all your sleeping at. Yeah, it's a rough transition, and it really did take me like a year and a half before I was meeting my quotas, so to speak. Structure is really important. I know it seems like, well, the home of pants, but you really... You gotta set a pants schedule.

There's a primordial gene inside of you that's like, I don't have pants on, so just fuck it. Let's watch a whole season of The Amazing Race today, because... There's sweatpants, because they send a... A similar vibe. It's like, take it easy, brother. That song, Five O'Clock,

is about me putting on sweatpants, actually. Love is music. So do bad for a year, wear pants. Wear pants, that's important. I'm not saying do bad for a year, I'm saying you have no other option. It's a really tough trend. What do you do? Do you mind if I put you forward?

No, that's fine. Actually, my employer is here, too. Oh, no. I always knew some day the advisor would come back to hold us. The circus closed. What is your job? Oh, so I work for Make That Thing, which is a subsidiary of Topotaco.

Okay, okay. Topotaco, if you will. I imagine that most people there work from home, unless there's a centralized office for... There is, but it's in another state from the one I live in. Are there a lot of remote employees, or are you more or less...

Will they notice that you're not wearing pants? They will not. They haven't noticed yet. Nice. There's a robot at the hospital in my town that has a... This is the beginning

of my favorite Tom Waits song. There's a robot and lives in the hospital in my town. There's a robot that lives in the hospital in my town. And he has a... He has a TV screen

on his face that is his face. That's his face. And there's a doctor... I'm so excited to see where you go with this. This isn't a joke. It was on a commercial I saw. There's a... There's a doctor that lives...

The doctor is on the TV and he rolls into your room and he has robot arms and everything is a robot, except his face, which is a human's face. No, it's still a robot. It's a remote robot face, Justin. You know, it's not his actual...

It's not his actual face pulled in a ghastly manner over. No, there's a rope and I don't... Does he have a pill dispenser? No, I made that up. It's like a gashapon machine you put in a quarter and maybe you get the treatment you need.

So he does have a pill dispenser. I'll edit that out but he doesn't. And you could... Well, I guess what I'm saying is maybe do that. Which part? Good question. You...

That is going to be... I imagine there's a lot of pranksters in that office and when you're not there to fin those pranksters off and all you have are robot appendages. Oh, yeah. They're going to TP you and you won't realize it because you only have the one camera. Guys, be honest. Am I covered in toilet paper right now?

It depends on which model of robot you get. If you get a Terminator robot. Then what? Then what? Is there a rest of the goo for you? No, that would be... That would be terrific. And dangerous and kind of scary. What about a Johnny 5 robot?

What about an Iron Giant? How big is the office? That would work, yeah. It's a fucking big office. You guys are doing pretty great for yourselves. The station requests. Softball time-ups in the break room. Aye, supervisor.

Supervisor. Oh god, I'm going to start crying. I'm going to cry too. He just wants to be a hero. He just wants to be a hero always. He wants to be in charge of some employees. any of that help? Oh, it was great. Terrific. No, you fucking drop the mic. I like that baller move put DMX back on player off. I think we got time for maybe one more. One more

one more person needs help. That's Jim Dan right here. Come on to the stage. Quicker. I like that. Oh, cut across cut across. Oh, flavor. Hi. I like your style. Dan. What's your name? Oh, yes, Dan. Yes. Holy shit. That was amazing. How did you raise your hand if your name is Dan here? So your odds were pretty good. Bad. There's all the smokers. I'm Smoker Dan, my friends call me. What's your story, Smoker Dan? So I recently moved in with a friend of mine. And it's really dirty because we just did this. No, no. Actually, I was going to ask a question related to that because I'm on vacation and I don't know how to keep my house clean when I'm not there because he doesn't do it when I am there. But no, that

wasn't that wasn't we've done that. Okay, good. Well, I like this pivot. We should learn how to do. But some days after moving in, he had a falling out with all of our mutual friends. Can I ask what he what he did? Was it so much of a dick move that you don't even want to? I have no idea. It's one of those that is a simple mystery. Sounds actually pretty. If only you could ask somebody. There has to be some material witness. Time to look for clues. The way he says it, it was just it was the thing that finally happened. So I don't know what the thing is. But I just my question was really, how do I go about maintaining those other relationships? And there's no reality in which we can answer this without more insight into what the action was that you are trying to defend.

What if he killed a guy? The only story he's told me is him and his friend, like they had a podcast. And okay, I'm already fucking despise this. But no, so if you plug the podcast, I'm not gonna say it. Okay, but Jordan Jessica. But it was they were they were doing a movie review of Iron Man three. And like they they disagreed and it turned into just a life. Are you fucking kidding me all this time? We've all been there. So it's it's a fickle thing. Yeah, that I have a hard time taking seriously. But it's because some of my friends are fighting. Can I give you some advice that I haven't given in a while? Sure,

you need to pack your bags and move the fuck away. Because this whole group of friends sounds eight. They have that quality. Yeah. He said mean things by Iron Man three. Hey, come on now. What I haven't seen it yet. God, man, that if that's really, if that was really the realistically, that's what your roommate is telling you. And then the other ones are like he shit on my bed. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Did he say he didn't like Iron Man three because it had black people because that would be cause to say I don't think I want to be this dude anymore. There may have been some subtext. I like Iron Man in that movie. He reminds me of your dad, who I had sex with.

I disagree. I disagree. He does not remind me of that. That would be the people ask me how to build an audience for their podcast. That would be the best fucking episode of anything ever. Just let it roll. Just let it play. Watch it. I'll crumble around your beautiful glass castle. Yeah, really, all new friends. Start over. Clean. Start over. You got your young. You got a lot of time to rebuild to rebuild in here for you, Dan. I guess that's how I ended up. We got bad news this year, but great news next year. You're gonna feel great. You made a bunch of new friends here, so you're gonna be fine. Move in with them. Move in with them. Who's got room? Who's got room for Dan?

All right, so I got a bite. There's one hand. All right. Thanks. How many people you need to live with, Dan? Everybody give Dan a round of applause for Dan. All right, that's, I mean, that's all the proper advice questions. Yeah, that's all the proper advice we have. Before we wrap this show up, in the only way we know how, we want to say thank you so much. Seriously, this is even earlier than we did it last year, which was still pretty early. And I know you guys had super late nights. I couldn't see your hands from behind the curtain, but it felt like a lot. It felt like a lot of people were up really late last year. So thank you guys, seriously, for coming. And thank you to all of the other presenters and performers and everyone this year. Let's do

one big round of applause for everyone. No, no. And now one just for us. I can't applaud for people that have sent me to a three day panic attack when I'm confronted by genuinely talented people. Oh, he's like really funny. He has jokes and things. Oh, God. Oh, God, he's worked at this. Ah, shit. Ah, fuck. So last year we closed the show out with a bunch of final Yahoo questions layered delicately, so delicately over Vanessa. Vanessa Williams saved the best for last. We're not gonna do that this year. No, we're doing something incredibly similar, though.

We are going to read the final Yahoo answers. Yeah, Nick, if you want to go ahead over the best last day of camp song, possibly of all time. Should we stand out? Can we take these out of the thing? I don't think we can take them out of the thing. We can try. They move. That's all on show for awkwardly. Should I start? Go ahead. Do you have to mentally add the prices if you work at Subway? What do you think of the idea of people evolving like Poki? Can spiders have fun?

Is it possible to break your teddy bone? Is the movie Jumanji based on a true story? Are kangaroos fingers flexible enough to pick up a can or a magazine? Why don't we go? What is it? I blew it. Does the Pringles guy remind you of Frederick Nishi? Nishi. Notice there are no photos of Jesus with a hat? Think about it. Two and two. Add it up.

Where can I find Gordon Ramsay fan fiction? What is the opposite of being a gynecologist? How much does Africa cost? How do I tell my parents that I am a horse? If you have a gun rack on your bike, then you might be a redneck. I was watching my car and my neighbor came out and said, Washing your car, huh? Billing ball. I said, Nope. Just watering my Jeep garden. Here's your sign.

Ladies and gentlemen, get her done. I am just a Mac Roy. Where are the blue collars coming? It's been my brother and my brother and me. Kiss your dad's square on the lips. Thank you. Maybe you'll try.