My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 156: The Sound of One Hand Twerking

Episode Date: June 17, 2013

We're sorry for missing last week's episode, but we think you'll agree that the show has improved with one week's rest. Like, this week, we talk enthusiastically about horses. When was the last time we had the energy to do that? Suggested talking points: Fat Pipes, Syncing Up, Horse Stack, Morrissey Hair, Ironic Tiesto, Whistlin' Sarah, Papa Pockets

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ladies and gentlemen, here we are, my brother, my brother and me. We have made a replacement in the lineup, unprecedented. I'm still here. I'm still Justin McElroy, the oldest brother. I'm here. Also, I haven't changed. I'm the baby brother Griffin McElroy. But I'm new, baby. Oh, fat pipes, McElroy. Listen to that sound.

Listen to the crispness you can hear every bit and bite, every zero, every one. Travis, I feel your resonance right now. As well, you should, Justin. I'm sitting here to you through the fattest pipes. The bases are lower. The trebles are treblier. Mm-hmm. Travis, you were previously on an internet that I was wondering if you could share the name of that with everybody. The name of that internet was Zoom Town, or as I like to call it, my first internet. You finally decided to see your grandchildren had told you about email so much. Did the modem that came with Zoom Town look like an old like Nick Toon's alarm clock? It was actually steam powered. Okay. Did it look like it was

made out of floam? It did. I wanted to share this with you guys before we got started in the show. I was just dipping in to check out our show notes into my email, and I got an email from Amazon alerting me that they had refunded me as part of a price matching. They had refunded me four cents on a game. I just want to say, Amazon, if you're listening, you can just keep that information. Just have those four cents for Amazon. Amazon, you do a lot for us, and you can just have the four cents, Amazon. Just keep it next time. If someone came to me and said, Justin, I'll pay you four cents to read an email. Any email, I would tell them to go fuck themselves. Now, Amazon has unwillingly foisted that transaction upon me. I don't

appreciate it. They've fucking wasted that computer's precious data bank. That computer probably doesn't have the bandwidth of fat pipes, McRoy. You know what I mean? Who does? Justin, you've actually been offended on the wrong level. Why is that? The correct level to be offended on is that Amazon looked at all of your purchases and said, Justin, you could probably really use this for you. Why don't they know? Don't they know how much money I spent there that I clearly don't need four cents? I'm ordering my kitty litter from Amazon. I think I can meet them. I get it, though. That box is so heavy. You don't want to carry that around the Kroger's. No, you want to make the poor UPS guy do it. No, I like to see him struggle with it, actually. And then, just as

he's walking away, open it, and I'm like, my cat shit's in this. Sorry about your back. He's walking up all excited. Like, somebody's getting a special pack. It's pretty heavy. What is this, some new Bose? Are these some new Bose speakers? Perhaps a home entertainment set? Oh, no, but it's cat poop dirt. Although I experienced that same thing when I'm like, whoa, what a daddy order. I don't remember. Must have done some late night, late night whiskey fueled Amazon. I'm like, ah, dammit, how responsible. Yeah. Happy daddy's day, by the way. Happy daddy's day. We should have started with that instead of Travis fat pipes, McRoy. But see, that kind of information is brought to me quicker now because of the fat internet that I use. Yeah. Travis, Travis,

while we were talking, googled, what day is it? What day is it? What day is it? What am today? Who am today? Happy daddy's day to the daddies in there, and of course, to our daddy. Do we have any more fun? Last daddy's day, we told the story of when dad cut his butt open and had to use a maxi pad to make shit bandage. I don't know that any story is better than that. Have we told, I think we told the Free Basing Kitty later, too. Yeah, we told Free Basing Kitty later. We told the story of when he was carrying a tray of lunch meat and got hit by a rear view mirror on the car that was passing by, and then he ended to get driven by the hospital by this woman who was praying over the entire drive. Oh, man. I remember that one. I told the

story on Twitter today about the jawbreaker in the theater. You guys know that one. I don't think so. We were seeing a play with dad, and our dad used to be obsessed with these birds egg jawbreakers. Birds egg. Sometimes they call them psychedelic jawbreakers. They're the white ones with the colorful flecks on them. That when you eat them enough, those flecks turn into like they become tactile. They become like fucking birds. They become a topographical map of the earth. It's the worst thing to have in your mouth. I don't know why he was as obsessed with them as he was. They're why our daddy has diabetes now, but he loved them back in the day. He had a whole, you could get him a cracker where it was like his exclusive dealer. I remember he had an empty

shed spread country grok container that he kept up out of our reach. Matt, you're back, huh? Wait till you see this new shit I got in. I've got the dopest, prickliest kush. Anyway, so he was enjoying some of his prickly kush, and he laughed, and the jawbreaker pops out of his mouth and rolls down two aisles. Without missing a beat, he says, oh, my glass eye. He covers the socket with his hand, and this one, two aisles down, picks it up and hands it back to him. He pops it right in his mouth because he's a dirty creep. Our dad's a dirty creep. Our dad's a creepy dirty fuck. Just kidding. He's the best dad of all time. If you say anything like that about my dad, I'll take your skin.

Take your skin. Then it's ours. Hey, let's help some people. I recently moved to the city, and I've been on a number of dates, and expect to go on many more. Well, well, well, well. All right, you have. Okay. Maybe you should be advising us. My problem is. I have what they say, what they might call a cool wiener. My problem is this. After first date, I never know how and when to contact the female in question. Is the next day fair play? Should I weigh a day or two and call? I've heard many opinions, but I would greatly appreciate the wisdom of the macaroys. That's from text in the city. It shouldn't be a problem, right? The answer is never. You got to wait for her to call you,

and if she doesn't call you, then you didn't do it right. Did you drop enough nags? Did you wax your fedora before you went out? Oh, God. How is your fedora game? These are the important questions. Drop enough nags. Hey, everybody, if you're negging, quit it. Yeah. Travis, you know this phenomenon, right? Negging. So, when you say something negative. I was able to infer that, Justin. Thank you, though, for breaking it down. Oh, man, I literally didn't make the connection until this precise podcast. Oh, Jesus, Justin. Really? I had no idea what it stood for. I thought it had something to do with eggs. Okay, so wait, was this what you're leading? Travis, you know what this means, right?

Because you wanted to find out what it meant. Yeah, I was kind of leading the younger people to help me. I mean, I figured it was like eggs, like you plant a seed and you plant it, and then it hatches into love. Travis, you know what a vagina is, right? Travis, you're part of a vagina. What do hugs feel like? This can't be us. That's not a science thing, right? Because if somebody ever came up to me and was like, hey, you have a big head, and you're a little bit overweight in your gut area, I wouldn't be like, let's stick. Got to have it. Yeah, because you were all of them like, oh, you wore that shirt tonight, huh? Okay. And the girl says to me like, this is the one. How does that work? Okay, anyways.

If anybody is as self-conscious as I am whenever I'm in a social nighttime environment, like anything, even what you said, Travis, if somebody came up to me and said, oh, that's the shirt you're wearing, huh? I would fucking leave. I'd get up and be like, oh, you're right. Bye. Ah, no. Is pausing a thing we could get going? Can we get pausing going? What's that? You mean compliments, like complimenting the person. Complimenting people. That's good, but it's not like hip. I'm not going to sell a book called compliments. I might be able to sell a book called pausing. You could do it if there was a Z on the end, if it was compliments with Justin. Is that four Ns? It sounded like four Ns. Anyway,

I really want to help this person. I think that, you know, the standard wisdom used to be waiting to call, but I think the nice thing is that we have so many different means of communication now that I think you can stair step back up to that. Like I think the next day. Justin, if I may interrupt. Oh, well, this is a first. This is one step removed from that question because he's already been on a date with this person. This isn't like, I got a girl's number that I met at a bar. When do I call her to schedule a date? They've already gone on a date. There is so much fud at play here, you guys, like a fucking extraordinary amount of fud, because you have no, if they don't give you a clear signal at the end of the first date,

like I had a good time and we should do this again, who the fuck knows? They might have hated your guts and you don't know it until you send them a single word SMS message, lower case, and that's it. And then then then they have to respond. The ball's in their court at that point. Here's the move. What you do is you order flowers the next day. That's pretty good. You order flowers, they show up at her office because she's a working woman. You know, she's got her own priorities, but you order flowers, they show up and on the card it just says, hey, all lower case lower case because if you use that capital H, it's like saying, hey, and that sounds like something that a cousin would say to another cousin and they ain't gonna fuck.

Then you're in the cousin. Lower case H, it's like, hey, you know what I mean? It's like a heartbeat. What if you, what if you changed it to, oh, hey. Oh, like you just, like the flowers just noticed her? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you use flowers for negging? Is that possible? Oh, you wore that shirt? The nose you're using to smell us is a bit off. Flowers need water to live, fucking idiot. Put water in these, it'll die. Don't you know how flowers hurt? Everybody stop it with the negging. Stop it. So, send flowers the next day and then I think that puts the ball, and then this is not because it's a super romantic grandiose gesture. It just completely frees you from any sort of pressure as to how the situation will proceed because that is

a pretty big Hail Mary put in the ball in her court. That's two sports in one metaphor. I'm retired. You've got, you've got to be careful though, because I understand the, or if you can establish yourself as the impossible romantic with like the fucking, if you can make yourself seem like a Joseph Gordon Levitt without crossing over to like, I only went on fucking one date with this dude and he's sending me flowers. I'm out. This guy's trying to make a suit out of me. Okay, so good rule of thumb there then is like, the showiness of the flowers is nothing. They've got to be a cactus, maybe like one, one flower. Do you have a succulents vendor nearby that you can make a sentence? Oh, send her a fruit bouquet. Everybody loves a fruit, where they make them look like

a little flower, but it's fruit. Don't do that. I hate that shit. People do that. They're not giving you a gift. They're giving you a project. Hey, guess what you're doing for the next two days? Did you guess eating fruit? Because that's it. That's what you're doing. So what about the flowers that are made out of money? You send her a bouquet of money shaped into flowers. There's no way that could go wrong. That'll go well. Yeah, but people love money of all genders. A cookie bouquet. Okay, now you're getting closer. A giant cookie. Send her a giant cookie. Those are appropriate for every occasion. A happy birthday, sport, birthday, holiday. A bust of her made of cookie, crisp, you know, cereal. Our friend Dwight says that he's going to buy a giant cookie that they Hulk Hogan

dies. So there's why. Does this celebrate out living Hulk Hogan? I guess it's, I guess. You celebrate the death of Hulk Hogan. He was going to buy a giant cookie. There's a little bit of Highlander shot and frode happening there. Can I say that word right now? He's been saying that for 10 years, and I can't stop thinking about how good, every day I hope that that man dies just so I can get into that cookie because I can't buy one for myself. No, what excuse is there? Can you buy a giant cookie for yourself? If you buy a giant cookie for yourself, what do you write on it? Sorry? Yeah. Oh, here it goes. See, I think calling, I think if you call the day after you're running the problem with every call where it's like you're presuming that you,

you're sort of forcing her hand, I think. That's why you got to say the text. I feel like a nice text, text, text. You can get a sense of what she thought. If she hasn't given you the feedback, ball is in your court. So you need to tell her like, I had a great time last night. When should we, when can we see each other again? But here's the thing, avoid this phrase. I just wanted to, don't do that. Well, no, we've talked about, we've talked about that before. You shouldn't be like, hey, I know this is weird. Like nobody likes that. I just wanted to say, I had a great time last night. No, be like, put your foot down. Hey, let me grab your, can I grab your ear for a second? Let me just, uh... So just say, so just like making a statement of fact, I had a great

time last night. I'd love to see you again. Not like wishy-washy, like, hey, if you're not, you know, if you had a good time, just say like, hey, a lot of fun last night, would you be interested in doing it again sometime? Hey, you sound like a Hollywood power broker. Hey babe, hey, great time, great time syncing up with, great time syncing it. When can we sync up again? Good laughs, great time. Tag me on Facebook, hashtag great date. What do you think about the play of like trying to nail down the second date before the end of the first date? Uh, this is, this is, I was actually going to suggest Travis, uh, that what you should do on any first date is try to borrow something. Like try to, try to borrow something for the first... It's cold, can I borrow your jacket?

It doesn't matter. Wait, this is going to fit you. Can I just try it on? I think it sounds like Travis is suggesting you sign like, like you walk in the door to the restaurant where you're having your first date and you say, uh, all right babe, but here's the deal. Uh, I'm interested in signing you on a three date contract with, uh, chance to renew. We'll have full, full binnies during the duration of the dates, by which I mean... This is a cool way I got my hog, my business hog. Hey, remember, uh, remember when we were talking about cone heads during the date? I, no, I thought we did, but I would love to borrow that from you if you have that somewhere on laser disc or DVD. But it has to borrow that. That's, that's a risk because you have to guarantee it's something on

her person. And I don't think this, this lady is carrying around a cone heads DVD with her. And if she is, you have got to go. You have got to go right now. Stand up, collect your belongings and go. It is kind of a power move though to say, like, can I borrow a cone heads and she goes, I don't have cone heads with me. And you say, well, I'm happy to go back to your house with you and get it. And then you're just there making out. You do it. And then the fucking, I don't have cone heads on DVD because no one does. And you say, are you sure we should double check back at your place? And then the fucking go to Best Buy and try to see if they have it in like the 599 bin. And then maybe we can go home and watch it. And then they, yeah, it wasn't that great. It's an

overnight date. That's, that's what before sunrise, this is about a copy of cone heads. Yeah. In Vienna, it's like, oh, this is in German too. Keep looking. Keep looking, Celine. We'll find it. We'll find it eventually. You guys want Yahoo? Please. Um, this Yahoo was sent in by Ira Ray. Are you, Ira Ray? Who wants to know? Did you do that with a mouth of food? No. Justin. Thank you, Ira Ray. That's by Yahoo! Inserts user Michelle, who asks, is it true that all cops have to start off on a bicycle? My brother told me that all cops have to start off as a bicycle cop. And do new cops have to wear a hat? I love that. Like your first sneak on the job, you're just, you're just walking around. And then

someone looks at that your supervisor is like, listen, Daniels, you keep it up, you're going to get that razor scooter. And then I'm just, that's what I'm saying. I think it, I think even starting with a bicycle is a little presumptuous. This makes sense. All cops start with heelies. You can't just fucking walk into the precinct and get your fucking gold watch in your pension day one. You have to walk yourself up to that by busting some perps. If busting don't make you feel good, then you need to turn around and you need to take that razor scooter and you need to scoot it on home. So you're saying your first, after your first bust, you get a heelies. You start out with heelies. You start off with heelies. Second then you get soaps and you can do some extreme walking.

Congratulations. You busted your first perp. We're going to upgrade you to eight wheels and he gets some roller blades. Cool. I'm sorry. What are soaps? Soaps are those shoes that had like the slippery bottoms so that you could like grind on benches and stuff with your shoes. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody has ever done, nobody's ever, that is what they sold it as. Like, you can grind without wheels and it's like, you can look like a crazy person who doesn't know how stairs work. I think, is, where does horse-mounted cops, where do they fit in? Because I think they are like the fucking kings of France. Yeah. That has to be like, anyone who gets to touch a horse for a living has to be like the fucking leader of the pack. Well, they basically just

meet you like modern day, like Wyatt Earp. Like, hey, we're going to put you on a horse. You'll be the most intimidating person ever. Yeah. Because not only can the cop take you out, but the horse is also an officer. That's not a joke. Are you suggesting the horse has to be sworn in? Yeah. Is that what you're saying? This is a great question because he's always going to say, nay. The problem is, and when the, when the horse cop gets sworn in, the horse has to start on a bicycle. It's like a fucking, it's like a fucking ringling detective. But then at the end of it, you end up with a horse on a horse. I mean, it's the most intimidating fucking thing. That's how you get, that's how you get the infinite leaning tower of the horse stack, the horse stack of

justice. And it's just, just, if you're from the people who brought you stack soap, stack horse. If you're listening at home, pretend when we were talking about oaths that I said they trick them by saying that they are going to give them oats. Man, I could have just dropped that in. Yeah. Well, you could edit it. I think, I think if I were a cop, the cops that I would always be most jealous of is the cops that they send out to kind of like sit next to where they're doing street construction. Because those cops are always just like in their car, on their iPads. Just chilling. I saw one of those cops last night. That exact thought occurred to me. His laptop was turned away from the crowd. It's like, you know, he's streaming Veronica Mars. Like, no question

about it. I may have been in a cop car chase yesterday because I was at the airport and I picked up Rachel's car there and I don't know how to drive that thing because it's not my precious matrix. And it was in long-term parking and I got kind of lost. And I tried to go out like one of the service exit gates quite forcefully. I didn't pan out. And then on the other side of gate, like the cop turned on his lights and started coming my way. And I turned, I turned heels and I drove a little bit quicker. I drove a little bit quicker and I made it out of the parking lot. Okay. But it's troubling that I didn't think I should just sit here and let this cop take me. And like, I need an adult and this adult is going to fix things for me. My, my instinct was like

full blown Grand Theft Auto. You got a wild streak. I like that about you. I do. It was also 2am and man, I was a sleepy bear. I turned into a fucking aggressive driver when I'm a sleepy bear. I think I don't know if there's any truth to this. All the cops I know personally, here's what's weird about cops. Let me tell you guys about cops. Please do. All the people that I know that turned into cops are like some of the fucking most solid dudes, right? But the people I don't know that are cops are bad across the board. I've never had a good run with a cop. I didn't know that was like, that felt like a good equitable exchange I just had with that municipal officer. It was like, man, that dude's really getting off on it, isn't he?

This is what I'm going to say. First of all, James Gowdy, you're a cop and you're awesome. You're doing great. That's what I'm saying. I know him and he's fucking doing the board's work over there. This is what I came to realize in pretty much every like service profession like that. I look at, for example, somebody working the counter at an airline and they're always a little bit gruff to me and I'm like, but I'm a really nice guy. Why are they being gruff to me? And then I think about the 999,999 other people that are dicks to them on a regular basis. Now take that and multiply it times 100 and that's what it must be like. Because when somebody is gruff to a cop, they are high on meth and try and bite them on the face and neck. It's like, excuse me, sir,

you're being kind of rude by trying to chew my fucking face off because I'm a Florida cop. So the idea of like a cop kind of gives me a mean look and I didn't do anything. I'm like, you know, he's probably earned that. Yeah. He's probably seen some shit. I'm such a broken person deep down in my heart that whenever I get into an altercation with a police officer or any sort of anybody with a badge really, and when I say altercation, I mean like looking at me. Okay. I want them to walk away from the, the only thing I care about is I want them to walk away from the experience again. Is it all right, dude? Yeah. We're on different sides. He's reaffirming my faith in humanity. We're on,

we're on different sides of the law, but I, I got, when I was at E3 last week, I, I had the wrong badge holder for my badge because I was trying to get on the show floor and the security guard was very mean and he took away my badge holder because he said I was using it improperly and he took it back to his office and it literally like, first off, it shattered my day. Oh yeah. I was like completely out of it. The next day, I saw him in the security office and the thought occurred to me that I should go in and apologize to try to win him back over. You fucking dummy. So he would, I didn't do it, but that's what I thought. I was like, well, there's this person on earth. I'm sorry, I put the paper thing in the wrong plastic thing.

You got to go in there and slam open the door and say, you're a loose cannon, Franklin, even if that's not his name. I'm sick of you crossing the line. Give me your gun and badge and get out of here. And it'll be so flustered, but it's exactly what he's always dreamed of happening that he'll do it. I get very different in situations like this, even, even for the, the most minor infraction, which is really all that I can really pull off because like in that moment, I'm a perp. In that moment where like my fucking, my matrix is sitting outside, hasn't been inspected annually as Texas does require. It hasn't, it's been expired since like March and I'm sitting here like, well, fucking not in my tummy because I'm a perp right now,

guys. I'm a perp out of crime. Well, my car got towed away because my registration was expired by two years. Okay. That's pretty bad. I know. I'm a rebel. You're a perp. You guys don't even have inspections, right? No, it's not inspection. Just registration. I just couldn't be bothered to go down to the, to the courthouse and take care of it. Deuter comes up and he's right in my ticket and I go out and I'm talking to him and I'm like, okay, so I'll get it taken care of. And he's like, yeah, you should do that. It's been two years. And I was like, okay, great, thanks. But then he's back 10 minutes later, having the car towed away. Yeah. Oh God. And I was like, please don't, I said, please don't tow my car away, sir. He beat off to that so hard that night.

I'm telling you, there are, there are the, I'm not saying it's all cops because they're doing a fucking dangerous job. And like, no, I would never ever do that. But there are some cops that are like, you were go, you're, I know you got here right as your meter expired, but I got to give you this ticket so I can have something to jerk off to tonight. Cause my God knows my wife's not going to do it for me. I know that's not true because his response was great when I said, please don't tow my car away. And he said, I mean, I would love to not do that, but it's been two years. Yeah, you were. I was like, okay, yeah, I've been out at which one. I went, yeah, you're right. I just went inside and waited for it to be towed away. Did you look away? Did you watch it?

I couldn't, I couldn't fucking possibly watch. No, I couldn't. I'm always terrified when someone tows my car. The perp guilt would like fucking strangle me. Let's help somebody else. I'm a 16 year old girl who had waist length, extremely curly hair until recently when I got five inches cut off. Even with the new due, I'm not satisfied with my hair. I want to cut it short in a boyish, not unlike Morrissey cut. I'm going to take a quick time out here and submit that I think this problem, this person may be asking the wrong people about this, no matter what the question ends up being, but I'm just going to keep going with it. Okay. No, women's style advice. Yeah, women's style advice. Perfect. You've come to the right place. However, if I do this,

I will probably get my parents heart attacks. I do not like the way I look and I won't have any serious consequences if I get it cut. On the other hand, I will seriously disappoint my parents and feel guilty. What do I do, brothers? Cut my hair and feel guilty or suffer through the summer heat with my mess of curls as from contemplating on Cape Cod. Are your parents extremely, extremely religious and think like you'll lose your super strength if you get it? Like what the fuck are your parents' problems? It's your fucking hair. They lost, they lost the right to it when, when you, when you emerge from the womb. Now, I don't know your parents contemplating, but it seems to me like if you said, Hey, I'm thinking of cutting most of my hair off

and then when you did it, they probably wouldn't have a heart attack because they're like, well, she, she did say it. She did say it was going to happen. She warned us. You know, she didn't warn us. Contemplating. I, I was 16 once. Hard as that may be for me. And he had waist length, curly hair. I had beautiful waist. No, I was 16 once and I'm going to go ahead and let you in on this now. You're going to be disappointing your parents a lot over the next decade. Yeah. This seems like a really nice, a slow ramp up to the constant disappointment. Yeah. A nice, a nice sort of palette cleanser for all the disappointment you're going to be bringing onto them over the next decade. Why not go ahead

and start small, learn how to deal with it, start practicing disappointment now with something that's inconsequential so you can really ramp up to the, you know, the drug addiction and the breaking and entering charges. You could also, you could also do like the, the sort of switcheroo or like, you ask for a hundred bucks and like, no, and then you say, how, well, how about five? You got to, you got to give them the bad and then they won't worry about your hair. So maybe like, maybe you do get like super into Whippets and like, you just do, you like talking to them, you're driving home from church like, where do you want to go today? Applebee's? Yeah, Applebee's is, oh, hold on. And you do that Whippet right in the fucking, right in the back of the Grand

Caravan. And then you're like, oh, Applebee's, yeah, sounds great. And then they're like, what the fuck? And then they look back, your hair is short. And they're like, we don't care about the hair. Let's talk about these Whippets. Then you quit, you kick your Whippet today. Then you quit, you do, that's the only Whippet you ever do. And then you write a book. It's going to feel great. That Whippet. I'm the hair. I would also say that if at 16 you cut off your waist length hair, your hair will never be that long again, ever, ever. Wow, is that true? Well, because you got to think about it, like half, half an inch a month tops, right? So if you're growing it down to your waist, that's like two

and a half feet, you know, three feet. That's, oh, I solved it, solved it. Don't worry guys, I solved it. Cut a quarter inch every day. Uh-huh. Oh, you want to gas like your parents. They'll hit you exactly. It's a gas, you're gaslighting them. They're never gonna, they'll never know. And also make your dad's clothes smaller and smaller every day. So he thinks that he's growing and your hair is shrinking. I'm trying to focus on your hair, but the collar on my Tommy Hilfiger polo is so tight and I don't know why. Am I getting fat neck in my late years? And if they ask what's up, your mother's living room furniture one quarter inch a day until eventually the room is southward facing. If they ask what's up, just say that the universe

is constantly expanding and they'll be like, why does that have, why isn't my hair getting shorter? Maybe like, I guess you're not as, I guess you're not as keyed in as I am to the universe's ways. You could also cut off your hair and then donate it to like locks of love or something. And then when your parents are like, you cut off all your hair, they're like, yeah, and I gave it to people who needed it. Oh, that's good, Trav. I like that a lot. Why don't you take on an industrial job, like in a factory or a workshop or a workhouse? And then they're like, hey, hey, contemplate it. Why did you cut your hair? I'm like, oh, I don't know. Maybe because I didn't want my fucking head to get pulled into some sort of contraption, Mommy.

It's a serious concern. It is a serious concern. I got his hair. Morrissey was working in a sweat shop and that's why he told me he was making enough money that he didn't have to, but he he just wouldn't listen. I meant, like as a kid, that's how he got most of his sad songs are about. Sweatshot blues for one. Where'd all my hair go? It's a good one. Moon River. Farm wisdom, farm wisdom, coming straight from the farm. It's farm wisdom. It's farm wisdom, farm wisdom, Travis Bakaroy presents farm wisdom. So this next farm wisdom comes from Mike Asbury, who says it's not possibly, it's not, that's not 100% definitely not how his last name is pronounced. How do you pronounce it? Asbury. There's a T in there. As for Mike A. Mike A.

But you said Asbury. I said Askedbury. I'm almost sure you said Asbury. Travis, farm wisdom. I don't know if this counts as farm wisdom because I live in Toronto. Farm wisdom. Asperies are delicious and great for you. Because I live in downtown Toronto, but I did grow up in the country and that is where my heart still lives. I guess these are more garden wisdom. To keep cats from using your garden as their litter box, put fresh citrus peelings in the soil. Oh god, that's fucking so, we caught Cecil fucking in Rachel's herb garden, which is arguably the worst kind of garden your cat can poop in. Just like hovering over the cilantro and he had a look on his face like, yep. This is, he like turned, he turned his body to fate. We were having a

barbecue and he turned his body to like face all of our friends who were drinking mojitos with the mint in it. Like, yep. Guess what? You like this. Get out of my house. You like those mojitos? You like that crushed mint inside? Guess what else is crushed? My butt on top of this mint. We planted a lot of different herbs this year and there, we have a lot of neighborhood cats. Guess which herb we planted did not pan out so well? Catnip. Catnip did not go so hot. That one got kind of, it is gone. It's completely, got a little dicey. Got a little, yeah. Here's a similar tip. Put, plant some lavender because when cats eat lavender, they fucking poop their brains out. That's more of a, that's more of a punitive measure than a precautionary one, but it'll

fucking give that cat what for. Of course, it doesn't help much. The lavender and the catnip in the same field. Doesn't help much if your cat exclusively poops in your herb garden because then it's just, you're just changing the consistency of the, the ruination. Mike also says that begonias are not only bright and nice to look at, their petals can be used as a substitute for lemon. Alright. Oh, that's a good one. Now, is it? No. I mean, I, I would have a much, I, I, I don't think there's a high probability of, of, uh, me not having lemon on hand, but do having begonias. Yeah. That's it. Like, oh baby, it looks like we're out of honey that we need to make this, to make this pie crust. Oh, that's okay. Why don't you just go out in the garden and get me

like a hundred thousand honeysuckles and then we'll just spend four whole days getting this ready. Perfect. Perfect. That sounds like a great day to me. Thank you for the farm wisdom. Thanks. Uh, and let's take this newfound wisdom and, uh, drive it all the way into the money zone. This first message is from Marco Bookbinder Millman. Nope. I want, I just want to jump in real quick and say, I want Bookbinder to be like her, her professional wrestling. Like that's her title. Like Margot, the Bookbinder Millman. This is clearly a pen name, right? This is obviously an essayist. Yeah. Short personal essays about her life in Williamsburg and, uh, all the friends she's made, trials and tribulations. I look forward to reading it.

Those friends include Lauren, Sia, Steph, Lynn, and Julie. So it's like, you think it's like Lauren, which one is the Lauren Wolfheart and Sia, pipe smoke. Okay. Happy birthday, our gorgeous, brilliant friend. We hope you and Dave have the most rockest celebration ever since it's your last one without kids. You should party so hard that you're growing baby girl wonders. What the fuck is going on out there? Fireworks, strippers, dry ice, rented tiger. On the other hand, maybe just a massage and a walk on the beach. Can we keep this swearing just to like a, just to a minimum around the baby? As little as you possibly can in these messages. Hey, let us talk to your baby, Margot. Hey, Margot, put your headphones on your baby. Hey, a little,

a little Bookbinder. Hi, Bookbinder, Jr. Hey, little bundle. Have you been to maxfunstore.com? You can buy t-shirts. When you grow up, that's all you'll want to do. You will buy t-shirts. I think there's also maybe a couple of tote bags left. You can carry that baby around in. Buy a tote. We're talking to the baby right now. Put yourself in a bag. Put yourself in a bag. Baby, put yourself in a bag with our faces on it, baby. Oh, that'd be nice. You can feel with like cotton swabs and just like chill and be so comfortable and then eat them all and die. Probably. Margot, Bookbinder, Millman, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Will and Alison Lewis, we got a message for you from Alex Swagger. Travis, what do they have to say?

Congrats to an amazing couple. They were married on June 1st and are both listeners. Will drove out to visit me in Cincinnati to go see Travis perform in Complete Works. Oh, thank you. I'm sure the blessing of their favorite trio of brothers would go a long way in helping them celebrate their life. Okay, brace your ass. Here it comes. You are blessed. That one got hung up like a sneeze. I thought it wasn't gonna work. I'll go bless you. That one ain't gonna come out, but then it did. Congratulations, Will and Alison. You got many happy years coming down the pipe.

Maybe like that. Will you take her last name or does she take yours? Are you a chauvinist or are you awesome? What? In this day and age, I think it's better for the man to take the woman's last name. Why are you all about building walls for people? I know, Travis. It's not about separating the genders more than we already have with our fucking, the whole structure of it all, like the bureaucracy of just like business and government. We've like fucking driven the biggest wedge between them. And I think that that's like

the biggest crime that we've done against like America. Actually, if you want to drive the biggest wedge between the genders, you can find that at extremestraints.com. They probably do have some sex wedges up in there. They got sex wedges. That's no problem. If you're looking to reconnect with your partner, how about a double-ended dildo and you could put one in in your butt and one in in her pussy and then you could fuck with her. Don't ever. Oh God, Justin. No, that's beautiful.

No, but you gotta ramp up to that. Maybe you stay like puss first and then like you get, you can add up. They have a sex ramp if you want to ramp up to it. Build some momentum, you mean. It's good. Go to the top of the sex ramp. And then you can jump on it with your sex skateboard. Right. Just make sure you have sex part Simpson there to tell you how to do all the sweet tricks. Sex bodacious, man. Sex abunga. Don't have a cow in the bedroom. extremestraints.com is your adult superstore, super discreet, super sexual, very erotic. I just got my, as for being a Max Fun donor

because that's how I roll, I got my Inman sensations pack in the mail, a sex blindfold, a bottle of rocket lube, and a personal massager. I don't know. I have a pair of sex headphones that are the size of this five. Sex headphones. You put the lube in your ear and you can really get those sex headphones in there. Oh man, they fit great. It fits so good. And when you're extremestraints.com, you are not, you'll see prices, but those are for the, my brother, my brother, me, Finn, those are mere suggestion. They are, they are, they don't apply to you because you're going to save 20% with our hot new coupon code. Swordfish has been fucking compromised.

Compromise, Swordfish is compromised. Can we go with sex abunga? Is that possible? We got to establish the spelling right now. How do you think it's spelled? I mean, it's, it's, I think it's pretty, if we all agree on how we think sex abunga is spelled, I think it should be fairly clear. S-E-X-A-B-U-N-G-A, right? Sexabunga. Sexabunga. Sexabunga. Sexabunga is the new coupon code. It's what sex barton says. Now listen, listen to me. This is a fucking good one. I'm, whoever leads Swordfish, thank you. It was not our best work. No, don't say thank you. No, thank you to whoever leaks Swordfish. It was not our best work. It was not a good, because we want people

to type it in and feel silly because it's like, oh, this is like a fun word. And then they think of us like fondly, and then they, you know, shove something in their butt. I really think of us fondly. I like that. I like that. When they put in Swordfish, they're like, where did I hear this code again? God, that was a great movie. And then they've forgotten all about us when they shove it in their butt. They think about Pally Berry's groundbreaking nude scene. They don't think about us. Don't tell anybody about it, but do go to extrematrace.com and, you know, buy yourself some adult supplies that you need for adult life and enjoy yourself. Sexabunga saved 20%. You've earned it.

Hey, this is Aaron and Brian from Throwing Shade, and we would love to throw some shade on you this summer. Every Tuesday, we inject all sorts of news stories concerning ladies and gays with silliness and sexiness. Just in time for bikini season. Check us out on Max Fun under Throwing Shade. Okay, they're not stupid. No, I know, but yeah, they could be. Well, why would you spell it out like that? Well, because I was the spelling bee champion of the world. How about a Yahoo answer? I'm ready. This one was sent in by Ira Ray. Thank you, Ira Ray. It's by a Yahoo answers user. Haha, who asks, when twerking, do boys ever talk or say anything? When twerking on a boy, do they say anything or are they just silent? Like, do they even make a sound?

This is from four. This is such a zen question. This is from four fucking years ago. If a girl twerks in the forest and no one's around, does the guy make a sound? No, this is the guy. What is the sound of one hand twerking? Oh, God, it's terrible. It's terrible. Don't need it. Can God create a butt so big even he can't twerk on it? You know, people always ask this, why do you guys have Travis on the show? And is it for moments exactly like this? His theology is on point. This question is from four goddamn years ago. I did not know that twerking happened in 2009. I thought that twerking was an invention of the modern era. In 2009, no longer counts as the modern era. That's the speed at which we're working. I know, and twerking. Do you think that the

I feel like time is moving by a little bit faster. Do you think all the twerking is like sped up the rotation of our earth, of the planet? That seems unlikely. It's more likely it's causing global warming because the force of it's pushing us out of rotation. I guess it makes sense. When people say, God, that twerking's hot. That's some hot twerking. And then it's like the sun's like, now, is that something that said during the twerking or is that said by an outside observer? Observing the twerk is the only thing that makes it twerking. Otherwise, you're just having a butt seizure. But if someone sees you twerking, then it's like, oh, now it's a twerk. One Yahoo answer respondent said, well, I would love to help you, but I don't understand the

question you're asking. Somebody else said they had to Google it. It's like, guys, it's fucking 2013 now. Everybody knows what this is. Read a fucking book. I guess in 2009, that's what I'm saying. This person was on the fucking cutting the butting itch. No. No, there's nothing you can say when that's happening. You can't be like, oh, this is great. Oh, yeah, this is fantastic. Two thumbs up. Sexabunga. Sexabunga. Yahoo. The better question is, does any guy while dancing with any girl ever say anything? No, especially not when you're talking about back to front dancing. There's nothing you can do. Yeah. What if you did, though? What if you could find it? What if you could throw that needle? Let me hit you guys with this.

Okay. Wee. Like you're on a Ferris wheel or something. Ferris wheels don't usually listen to the reaction action. What is the loser now, dad? Yeah. That's fine. Can you say, like, can you make a banal observation such as this my jam? When a new jam starts, can you just announce this my jam? Yeah, but you have to be careful because if you get too automated with that, like fucking Betty Davis eyes will come on and be like, oh, here it goes. This my jam. Keep don't. Who's twerking to Betty Davis eyes? Me every day. What? Man, if there is a better way to get fired as a DJ, I do not know. I got another one for you guys. There is yellow gold. God. This is my chance step. Fuck yeah. Spin it again, DJ.

Put Betty Davis on the ones and twos. It'd need to be more ironic DJs. I think there are probably a shit ton of ironic DJs. Probably a lot. Probably quite a few. Like Tiesto. Like that. Tiesto. I'm only into Kim Karns. That's who I am. I'm ironic Tiesto. I don't think I think you probably just don't say anything. I don't I don't do much by saying thank you. I guess. I appreciate your hard work. Like when I when we used to go to the fucking gym factory for late nights at the gym factory, I used to say like sorry for my like shitty boner. Like sorry. I'm fucking 12 and I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. Sorry. I'm so like completely out of my depth and fucking terrified and God, it smells awful in here. Thank you for allowing me to stand behind

you as though I were also dancing. Yes. If the if the man, if you put all those hard, you know, you pay for the classes, you do the strengthening exercises and finally you work yourself up to a solid twerk and the guy does not appreciate that in some manner. Vocally, bonerly, like any any sort of appreciation for the twerk I think is going to be appreciated. So you think like it's going to be a welcome. You think the gentleman could be like masterful. Bravoissimo. Congratulations on core. It says the was the author of this twerk. It says though your butt cheeks are moving independent from one another. I've never seen anything like it. You have the jiggling of a young Judy Garland twerking. Don't ever you just ruined, you ruined

Everything Man you done fucked up just now Griffin and I spent this week in a hotel room at the Essex Manor and Suites Which if you have not stayed in it don't don't ever but don't It's an it's it's amazing Because every room is themed to like an old Hollywood Sort of sort of celeb, so there's a WC fields room cool last year We were treated to the desi Arnaz and Lucille ball sweet perfect. That's what I love this year this year

We were in the Judy Garland suite. Mm-hmm. Let's just say the Super creepy hotel attendant put a little extra TLC on the Judy Garland room I think I went into some of the other rooms not nearly as much memorabilia not nearly as much You know like memorable snapshots This has ever this is really covers her entire career. Mm-hmm. You cannot see there is not an angle There's not a vantage point in this room that you can open your eyes and not see at least three Judy's Mm-hmm. There's three Judy's per eye look and I think it the best thing about the room Is it really captured that one moment where Judy Garland was murdered in a hotel room because Jesus fuck

It was the creepiest it really sum it up that vibe so Essex Mandarin sweets. Don't miss it Don't miss it. They call it on their website furnished studio apartments. Don't let that fool you These are apartments furnished by a madman a Mad elderly gay man How about a question a regular one Fantastic from time to time. I babysit my niece. She is beautiful and smart and Five years old the only problem is that she really likes to show toddlers and tiaras. I Believe it's toddlers and tiaras. Although toddlers in tears works just as well. They can also be toddlers. Mmm. Tears

Teodlers or tears the she knows teoddler toddlers, but tiaras She knows all the contestants names and really wants to be one of them. Oh What can I do brothers? I'm merely her uncle But I feel as if I should keep the show from mulling her young mind Or should I leave it alone? Okay, that's all from Oklahoma. Oh what you should do you should support her and shape her into a winner Oh, get that kid and get out of here. Does she have a complete package? Don't in does she have the the personality? Do you need to get her a flipper?

Do you need to get her some kind of hairpiece to really give her the volume that the judges are looking for thing? What's her talent don't do the terrible thing kind of costumes? Are you doing can you do like a number with you and her and do kind of a dance thing because the judges? Oh, here's a fun number Here's a fun number The fun number is you take the kid and you get in the car and you fucking raising Arizona it and you get the fuck out of There and then you and her live on the grid for the next 10 years You know you might have to pay a little bit extra to get a coach

You are really you'll see it pay off You are this little broads last shot at a normal fucking life if you can get her out if you can extricate her You are this little broads last shot at a great base tan. No Listen when you spray tan she's gonna giggle right, but you tell her that winners don't giggle and you don't have to Oh my god, you run her routine four to five times a week You might have to build a little stage just for her to come you would have a better I'll she would have maybe set up a judges table and get you and like maybe like if she has any brothers or sisters to Really judge her and give her notes and little notes. There will be judgment. You're right Travis

You need to take this little broad to the fucking To the fucking rail yard throw her into a boxcar and just say this is your life now because this is this is this is the Life that I have chosen for you. I know it's not ideal, but it's way better than that other bullshit And listen the dress is gonna cost you like $1,500 and the prize money is probably only like 500 So you're not doing it for the money. You're doing it for her because this is her dream I love her dream to be a winner. You want the confidence. I love that I love that idea where you're her parents say to you hey You took Skyler for ice cream and we haven't seen her for a few days. Do you know what happened and use it?

I I don't know a Skyler. I I know whistling Sarah. Yeah, but But she's riding the rail son to to pork and beans bill That's her daddy now What a fucking pork and beans bill has like a fucking portable TV is like hey, you see nice show Hey, let me show you show you're real pretty my take you would be my ticklet whistling Sarah What is it? What's your special talent? Oh whistling. Yeah, pork beans. Probably should have figured that one out on his own Here's the worst part. I don't like you. I don't even like pork and beans. I don't know why I chose this one It's an ironic an ironic name. It's like when I sing Betty, Betty Davis eyes people like why you like that song like I don't

It's a fun. It's like a fun joke I'm an ironic hobo need to Man, sometimes I just listen to this show. It's pretty funny I This is why it must be like this all the time for those of you at home, I can't imagine what it's like What a delight that must be get that kid out of there you want to y'all who I'm sure This one is sitting by Adam P. I don't little girls get to be hobos Why can't they chase their dreams? I think that rambling phase over early

All right, you know take a year off between preschool and first grade serious literal question If your daughter was gonna be deep deep deep into the pageant scene or a deep deep deep into the hobo scene Which now let's make it like let's make it clear stibbled on a little beer. No, hold on Let's make it clear because this is a very sensitive subject We're not talking about homeless people because there's nothing inherently funny about that No, but when they live on trains they're hobos, right? Yes, we're talking about rambling lifestyle Kings of the rails. Mm-hmm In Queens This Yahoo answer is sin and by Adam P. Thank you Adam. It's by Yahoo answers user Jaylin who asks

I have a food idea for Papa John, but no if it has been done. I want to sell an idea of Papa John hot pocket One more time one more time. I have a food idea for Papa John, but no if it has been done I want to sell an idea of Papa John hot pocket Sell Papa John hot pocket in stores like food lion Walmart He didn't know any other stores et cetera I love Papa John. So this is not this is not Papa John's will deliver hot pockets to you No, he said this is my little Papa John brand. Yeah getting a little retail franchise going This is a this is the perfect product for the person that wants that hot fresh Papa John's flavor

But doesn't want the inconvenience of calling Or or the inconvenience of eating anything hot and or fresh Yeah, you don't want either of those things. I feel does this person mean like a calzone this Um, no, I think there are some pretty important structural mechanical and conceptual differences between a hot pocket and a calzone I mean there are pizza hot pockets. We're just talking about a branding thing, right? Well, it's not just branding too It's flavor because like it you're not going to get that Rubbery skin like texture that you really get from a Papa John's pizza from just don't you fucking start on Papa John's right now Okay, okay. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it. Um

I understand what this guy's saying nobody's ever eaten a hot pocket and felt good about themselves but what they do feel good about is the Fucking just the how efficient that vehicle is Right, it's a great food delivery mechanism It is it is arguably the best unless until they invent a gun that you shoot in your mouth And then all the food comes out of it like this is the best. This is the best we're gonna do You know back back in the early 1900s Miners wives used to just send hot pockets with them

To the mom. Well, yeah, and then they would put their hot pocket on a shovel and heat it up with the lamps All right, and if from the thing and if the hot pocket died then they would know that there was a gas leak and they had to leave Exactly. Um, I'll tell you one thing that's really interesting about hot pockets And this really changed my whole perspective one thing is that if If you put them in the oven and cook them for like 25 minutes at 350 something like that. Yeah, they are Legitimately really tasty. Okay. First of all, fuck off. It's just the problem. The problem is now the problem is that you I don't know anybody who's ever said I'm gonna want to eat a hot pocket in a half hour No, that's that's that's enough time to rethink your hot pocket decision like 10 times over

You eat a hot pocket when you're like, I need to have a full meal in my belly in the next 180 seconds I have a 180 seconds to put a full meal inside because at 182 seconds. I've rethought it is it is 757 Bachelorette is on in three minutes, and I'm gonna drink a full bottle of red wine I need to put fucking calories in my body in what 180s in the length of a commercial break The the two or three times in my life that I've ever uh baked a hot pocket in the oven Even like a frozen barrigo or anything like that. What the fuck are you guys? I can't believe this is something you guys have ever fucking actually done It's delicious. This was the time in my life when I was a highfalutin college student of the few times that I've flown to

Los Angeles on a kite like what the fuck are you talking about? That's not how you do the thing I think it has the directions on the package As a fucking goof Hot pockets when it says you can microwave a pop tart take this hot pockets to a restaurant and ask you if you can borrow their Convection oven like no fucking dollar you put it in the the stupid box You put it in the dumb box and it fucking heats up your trash food for you the best is when you grill the hot pocket That's really nice like outdoor barbecue kind of setting some friends And your cat is shitting on your herb throw that bitch on a smoker and oh you have got yourself a flavor treat

Now it's going to be an all-day thing because you're going to want a cold smoke Throw it in the crock pot throw in the crock pot for 72 hours And you are just gonna shit yourself to death Because it's a hot pocket and that's the only thing that can happen with those I uh Man, I would buy one though. Aren't you curious if they capture the the oh, yeah, can't they if they capture the experience? I'll be I'd like to know every time I'm at the hb walking in the frozen food aisle And I see that there's a new experimental pretzel bread lean pocket flavor. Um, I'll tip my toe in I'm not above it

But I I fucking recognize The shamefulness of the action like I'm not like how can I maximize the pleasure? Of this hot pockets experience. What can I do to really add that special twist on this hot pocket? It's like I just I I'm gonna eat this and I'm gonna do it when nobody else is around and I'm gonna fucking pull the blind shut This is what would sell me on it if Papa John's as an added like amenity to buying the hot pocket Kept up with the tracker idea and tracked your hot pocket from freezer to regret Yeah, and so it started like travis's had one too many beers He's late night hungry. It's just like it's fucking instantaneous because it's like

Please click when you start eating the hot pocket and then you click it and they're like, oh, it's already at your butt It's already at your butt That's just how it does Travis has begun to regret. Oh, he regrets a lot Oh, do you want to tweet this? Did you want to tweet the status of your hot pocket? Do you want to tweet your butt shame? I Double that with double that with fucking Papa John's and you are talking about a human super soaker. Holy shit Holy shit indeed. It's just like dropping it down. Well, please let me end it

I don't want to talk about diarrhea anymore for once. It's father's day. Fuck Uh, we've had such a lot of fun here today and uh, we really appreciate you joining us for our comedy podcast I want to give a quick Thank you to some people who've been sitting us stuff in our uh, our mailbox. That's p.o. Box 54 hunded west virginia 25706 Alex and minneapolis made us some cookies. They were delicious Um, one of my favorites came unmarked from portland. There's no name on it There's just a picture of a man wrapped in plastic bags Uh, is the is the hilarious postcard and on the inside written in sharpie

It says it's the only way he can climax. So thank you Thank you for that. That's wonderful. Um Uh, let's see here. We got one from thailand Uh, from lauren that was definitely not photoshop. Yeah, it's it's ronald mcdonald standing in front of a waterfall And it's fantastic. Uh, we have a pretty creepy one Uh, that just has a a picture of a man on his couch Drinking beer and it's unsigned but it's hand drawn and it's lovely. So thank you for that And then last postcard came to the brother's macaroy

Uh, from mount rogers national recreation era from, uh, kyle latham and tala you ring They were hiking through the appalachian trail. They thought of us. So thank you so much to you folks. That's super nice of you And thank you to you for uh for listening our show. Sorry. We took a week off there Oh, this is our first show since max fun com. It was great. Thanks everybody Who is there and who supported us the most the most fun weekend. Seriously if you get a super great time If you get a second, uh, and you can give our show review on itunes that really helps us out a lot If you like what you heard, uh, go review it. Maybe recommend the show to a friend That would that would mean a lot to us. Please tell please tell a friend

But you can you can share the sampler just to make a new sampler. It's it's really great and it's a great like cross-section of How dumb we are sometimes it's it's bit.ly forward slash maybe i'm 2013. Is that right? That's right. Yeah So, uh, thank you for that. Please keep sharing the show Thank you for listening and griffin has one final question for you. Thanks to john ronrick in the long wind Oh, absolutely for the east of our theme song. It's a departure off the album putting the days to bed great great way to Just a great song just a great album and a great song and a great band and a good friend. I don't I haven't met him personally, but I bet he's a good friend of the friends. He's friends with you know what I mean Here we go

Last question this one. I said it by charles decker. Thank you charles decker. It's by yahoo answers user ive who asks Is mr. Pringle still alive I'm just a macaroy. I'm travis non-griffin macaroy This has been my brother my brother and me kiss your dad square on the lips Oh Maximum fun or comedy and culture artist owned listener supported