My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 157: Chris Sabones

Episode Date: June 25, 2013

We're all about forgiveness, this week. Say some bogus stuff about your racist restaurant ideas? Name your child after a cardinal direction? Are you Dog the Bounty Hunter? Come home, prodigal children. Suggested talking points: Racist Rates, Fantasy Enabler, Average American, Fantasy Football, Butt Chugging, Cardinal Directions, Sky Burial

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, everyone. Welcome to my brother. My brother made an advice show for the modern era. Before we get into the advice this week, just want to give a huge welcome, a welcome aboard to the new official house chef for my brother, my brother made productions, Mabimben prod, Miss Paula Deen, Bella of the South.

God, guys, these craft services are, they're just, they're hard to get through. They require a lot of chewing, a lot of crunching, a lot of snapping and smacking of the jaws and gums. Carnival of textures. Now, I know what you're wondering, friends at home. Paula Deen, she's a bigot. Wait, that's exactly right. She is. You are correct. You are correct about that. Although, you know, Aussie did always use a couple. What are words? Think about it. We give words their power. You know what I mean? We give words their power and for us, the words have given us the power to get Paula Deen at an extreme discount. It's, we're talking about extreme restraints, coupon code,

sexabunga levels of cheapness. Just really a great value. It's sort of a house strategy here. My brother, my brother and me. We employ famous racists. That's kind of our thing because once they're outed as like really racist, see, we're all white, so it's not as much of a thing where we're afraid they're going to malign us. Right, because we know we can get away with it ultimately because of our obscene privilege. Exactly. So with our, with our straight white male privilege and ability to suss out bargains, we can get deeply discounted racists. I mean, we got Paula Deen for a song. I mean, she's fantastic. She's cooking up a storm. That song was written by Leonard Skinner too because she is holy shit. That song was Song of the South

was the one that we got her for. Can you guys think of any other, I'm trying to think who else on staff we picked up for being really. Well, we got Mel Gibson. Oh, wow. That was a huge steal. And as my suggestion to you, if you need security for an event or let's say a live podcast, highly recommend Mel. I mean, you can't have him now. He's ours. He does terrific, terrific work. It's not so much that he is physically imposing, but yes. Although I don't know, he's kind of, I want to say disintegrated a little bit since the beaver. Maybe he's not quite as burly as he once was in a, say, a science. But, but man, he is just nobody wants to be around him. Like, nobody wants to sort of even enter his, his field of view. So like he's a very effective

bouncer and security man in that sense. We've also had great success with, with Michael Richards. Not only keeps us in stitches, but keeps our laundry looking really, really clean. He does, he does some punch up. And then when we don't need the punch up, which is never, hell, you know, he'll clean off the mics for us. He'll get, he'll, he'll change the spit filters. Is that a thing and a mic? Ironically, you know, the only problem I've had with him doing our laundry, what's that? He's not so hot at separating the whites, which is surprising to you. You would think that that would be a strong thing for him. That would be a thing. This is shocking. What was it? What was the shitty said? What was it? I promise myself,

I'd never forget the shitty said right after he said that shitty shit on the stage. And then he, he like tried to like play it off like it's words or power. These are the things that we say, like, dog, you need to fucking, you know, you have finished, you have, you have completed. That's where you just go, well, I'm done. Bye everybody. We also got Garrison Keeler. Which is weird. Which is weird. Not a racist, but I don't think his agent knew that. So it worked out pretty well. We got him at racist rates. Let's just run it that way. We've been trying to get him to say some racist stuff. He just won't do it. No. Wait. No, not right now. No, dog. No, I don't need a massage right now, dog,

the bounty hunter. Thank you. Is dog the bounty hunter not? Yeah, dog the bounty hunter racist, but big hands. Yeah. Strong hands, great for a massage whenever you need him. Is this our most slanderous intro ever? Everything we've said has been a joke. Parity for a fair use of less than a minute. Garrison Keeler is a huge racist. Garrison Keeler hates people of any color. Any color. Discriminate. It is hate. If they're not translucent, if they're not ghosts, Garrison Keeler is just not interested in communing with them. By the way, I'm Justin McRoy and I'm your oldest brother. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm your middleest brother. I'm Griffin McRoy. I'm your sweet baby brother. This is our vice show where we help people and not just disadvantaged racists,

former celebrity racists. Well, okay, former celebrity current race. It's kind of a co-op of current celebrity racists. We got a little bit of everybody here, but let's start to help people or else our entire support system is for naught and how else are we going to keep them in the lifestyles which they become accustomed to? The hateful lifestyle. The hateful lifestyle. I love my job. However, it is an unusual occupation. I'm a seamstress for a company that makes costumes and accessories for anime fans, furries, and bronies. And yes, Griffin, we make Pokémon costumes. I don't know why you need, like why. My problem is that during a small talk with strangers, no, sorry, my problem is during small talk with strangers, not a small talk with strangers.

People always ask what you do, which causes all sorts of problems. Some people assume I'm into these things, which I'm not. Or it results in me answering tons of questions, usually the same. What should I do, brothers? Should I just lie about my job? Or is there a quick sentence that can explain my job without the assumptions or repetitive questions that's from Gmail? There's no shame in lying about you. I lie about my job all the goddamn time. Yeah, me too. If you're over 60, you do not know what I do. Nope, I am a special interest. I am a pop culture journalist. Seriously, I've dropped that on him. I write about electronics that lends itself to credit. Again, I'm not ashamed of my job if you're

not my people. I've had the lie trying to explain what a podcast is to people, and it always is that just being like, I'm on an internet radio show, and that's about it. Right, because if you don't have to explain what a podcast is, then people already know who you are. Yes. My job is easier to explain when I don't talk about what I actually do, which is I'm the managing editor of a video game website. Management is not actually that hard for people to comprehend, but I usually just say that I review video games because A, it's more glamorous, and B, easier to explain. Some people don't even comprehend that, so I end up saying, well, you know how Roger Ebert did for movies? I do that for video games, and then I realized one day I said that I was like,

wait a minute, is that's right? I'm the Roger Ebert of video games. But I feel like every games writer does that, so every games writer is the Roger Ebert of video games. There's a point of diminishing returns on that analogy. Imagine trying to explain that you don't write reviews, you write news, and people are like, how can there be news about this thing I don't give a fuck about? Right, there is. Trust us, there's lots. There's so much. What about this? What about you just stare him dead in the eye and say, I enable fantasy? Ooh, I am a dream maker. I enable dreams to come birthed from the dreamscape to corporeal. I am the modern day, I am the modern day Geppetto. I am a Geppetto bringing your fantasies to life, and then this is essential,

do not expound. In fact, don't speak anymore. If you can't speak anymore, don't leave the room, don't exit the conversation, just do not respond. If you can pull a fushigi ball out of your pocket and start twirling it around like in labyrinth and talk about how you make fantasies come true, if you can just be dressed up like Jareth. No one will talk to you, that will be good. Yeah, and also you won't have to explain what your job is, because people will just be like, oh, he's trolking. Why don't I just say you're a costumer. People understand that, right? Yeah, a costumer seems to us, or you make costumes for people. Of all sorts. Do you really need to go into the individual? Like when someone asks me what I do, I say that, you know, I'm a theater technician,

and then I don't go on to explain what I build every day. Yeah, you don't have to say that you take regular dog costumes and you sew dicks onto them. Oh, that was hateful. Not all of the furry cultures about sex, I'm sorry. I can't believe I fell into that pitfall so quickly. We've gotten so much better over the years. I know I have gotten so much better, and I honestly, I understand that community, it was a closed-minded statement, and I apologize. And to that community, that was a joke, it was a loving joke that we were laughing at with you, so join in. I don't think they're laughing. I don't think they're laughing. We're laughing with someone, but I don't think it's them, and I think I've fucked up. Can we say that they take anime costumes and sew dicks onto them?

Well, every costume should have a dick on it somewhere. Right. Otherwise, why are you making a costume? This is a beautiful, my little pony costume. Could I get a dick on it? Can you just slip a dick in there? Just wherever. Yeah, it doesn't have to be anatomically correct. Just under the armpit is fine. Just under the dick on there. Let's get off the dick. Done. I can totally understand where this person is coming from, and I would honestly, I think if you just say, I am a costumer, people will sort of get where you're coming from, and they will think that it's fun. You do not have to go into the specificity of what type of Pokemon costumes you do sell, but if you have Vulpix, hit me up, my numbers, 512-5528 Vulpix. It's

512-Vulpix, and then just get me back to that. I'm not interested in eintails. Or you can email him at vulpix, or it didn't happen at gpal.com. Right. Sorry, Travis, did you say G-Pale? I did! That's true. That's for some reason. I was enjoying my joke so much. You send me pictures of real human beings in Vulpix costumes, and then I put them in the G-Pale, which is to say the garbage fail. I will file it right there. Thank you. No, I'm just kidding. Hit me up with the price. G-Pale registered. C-Pale is probably taken. Gervin, how about a Yahoo answer? I knew a Yahoo answer service. We got a lot in this week. Thank you to everybody who sent this on. This one was sent in by Daniel Geller. It's by Yahoo Answers User Economics Dickey, who asks,

What does an average American look like? What does an average American look like? That was the headline in the line. Paula Deen, do you want to take this? She just says, wha! Let's, we do not, we gotta be careful here, because we do not want to come off as either racial, gender, hetero, age, normative in any way. There's got to be a way to thread this needle without. Oh, God bless. There's got to be some. An average American look like. Delicacy. I think we can say big. I think we can say, we don't have to say fat, but big. There's a lot. There's a lot to the average America. Confident in, in, in, I, nope. You say, you

say confident. Like, I feel that, but it's not really a physical attribute, unless it's like the way that they're carrying themselves. You look at someone, you look at their deportment, and you say, well, that's a confidence. You look at their what? Their deportment, how they carry themselves. I don't understand why you want to deport all the Americans. Oh no. You know what? One thing I found is that my view over the average American looks like has been extremely skewed by where I live, which is in West Virginia, where people are more rotund as a rule. I'm, I am a gentleman of some half myself, but I, trying to shed those LBs first off, number one. Number two, I'm not, for here, I'm pretty good. Yeah, you're doing,

for where I live, I'm pretty good. And it's funny when I go to a place like LA and I'll walk into a building. I think like, oh man, that fast person in here. And you can actually rate my physical attractiveness as like I'm flying cross country. Like as I'm coming back to Huntington, West Virginia, I'm getting like more and more attractive as the plane, as the plane capacity diminishes. Yeah. I'm actually getting stuck. I think it's when they open, when they open the doors and sort of the, the, there's a decompression and then like the plane got the LA air. Right. When the plane gets full of West Virginia air, it's like you, you go like three notches up the hot or not scale. Yeah. It's like when Superman, you know, the difference between the yellow sun

and the red sun. That's right. That's right. Only the yellow sun in this case is a Jolly Pirate Donut. You know, we lost one of the, we lost one of the, we're down to one Jolly Pirate Donut. Which one we lose? We lost the one on 1st Street near Kroger and, and that was the one I always went to. So wait. So we only have the one on Route 60? Yes. So we only have the one Route 60, which perplexingly sells donuts and heroes, not heroes, heroes. I don't know why they've put, well, it's the Alexandropolis family that runs, runs the joint. No, that would make sense. So this is just a cry for help to all of our listeners. If you drive through Huntington, West Virginia, please stop at the Route 60 Jolly Pirate Donuts. Let's keep the hope alive.

Just keep the lights on. The donuts or the box that they come in looks like a treasure chest. Right. And that's the most exciting thing to see. Like you wake up and it's Sunday morning, you're like, oh, church. And then you go downstairs and it's like a fucking bounty, a royal bounty for you. Maybe a pirate brought it here. No, it's your dad. Trainers from the East Indies have brought a collection of the finest donuts. I love Travis's elephant hunter, old timey elephant hunter voice. What are some of the, what are some of the people volunteer there, Griffin? Some pretty. Hold on. Wait, but before you answer that, I do want to tell you everyone that Gpale.com goes to Iggypop.com. So I don't know if that's a nickname of his,

but if not, it is now. Is it like spelled G-E-E-P-A-L-E? Like G that dude is very pale, because that, that is a description true of Iggypop. There's a lot of xenophobic shit up this yahoo. Not on the internet. They look almost nothing at all like you see on television or in their films. Almost all white Americans have huge big eyes, flat wide noses, very wide mouths, square jaws, and are all teeth. What? Well, Americans bodies are composed entirely of teeth. Most white American guys have their crew or buzz cut hair or the martin sheen haircut. What the fuck does that even mean? What is a martin sheen haircut? Give me a martin sheen. And wear clothes two to three size bigger to their body size with tennis shoes and white socks.

Most white American women look like Cass Elliott or are very thin 70s Marcia Brady plain looking with long hair and Brooke Shields eyebrows. Man, this guy's painting a fucking picture. They all wear tight jeans, ski pants, or shorts with oversized t-shirts and flat shoes. Both genders always dress up only on Sundays and the 60s looking clothing. Is this an alien riding this? Is this our, is this our entry in the entire sky of the galaxy? This is messed up. Who wrote this? This is the most detailed answer. Some of them get like light tan skin five nine chubby and just okay looking. Like, all right, that actually that guy's kind of got our number. Are they outside my house?

And a asshole on five eight. So nice try. Girls tight jeans or sweat pants and a sweat shirt or a brand name t-shirt like Abercrombie American Eagle Hollister or Aero. Guys oversized jeans and brand name t-shirt. That's what I see every day anyway. Brands. Brands all around. I'm a McDonald's. What? What does that mean? I like generic t-shirts. I only buy my t-shirts at Pigley Wiggly or Kroger. I actually own a Pigley Wiggly t-shirt and some Radio Shack pants. They got lots of pockets in which I store 19 batteries. For me. You need a battery? You need a battery? What do you got? Game Gear? I don't know if I got six double A's. Just kidding. Of course I do. I absolutely do. Let me get down in my Game Gear pocket. I want to help somebody else. I've recently been drafted

by a group of friends into a fancy football league which is a sport I have effectively zero interest in and an activity I don't understand and therefore fear deeply. Is there any way to take part in this league and not embarrass myself while at the same time avoiding actually learning anything about football in the process? That's from Sam from Lakewood. Sam, why did you agree to do this? This fucking guy. How can I get better at this thing without trying? And also I didn't want to do it anyway but I'm doing it. Did you like literally get drafted? Like your number was up and I was like, Sam, you're in? What? No, no. Guys, you're gonna help me. I'm one A in the football draft. I don't know what you're gonna do. You gotta chop your finger off

and that's the only way to get out of the draft. Yeah, it's like I tried to hit the space bar on my keyboard. No can do. Sorry guys. I mean, I'm in a fancy football league and I don't know anything about football. I hadn't slowed me down. I mean, it slowed me down from doing well in the league. Yeah, I mean, I'm pretty sure I came in dead last place because I kept forgetting to set my team for the week but that's not because I don't give a shit. It's just I'm very busy. I think the nice thing is like, depending on what service you're using, most of them say like who is the best one. Who is the best one? You can usually just ask your computer aloud who is the best one and you can do a lot that way. There's also like when you're doing the

actual draft, you can get a top 200 rankings and once you've just sort of gone down that list which you've extended past that list but at that point it's just guessing. It's just it is just who's gonna be who's gonna be good this year. Can you get to the fucking ball fields and like check these dudes out? I'm here. I figured out the solution. One word. Three syllables. Okay. Moneyball. You're talking about saver metrics now. Okay, I like this. I don't know. You need to watch the movie Moneyball. Okay, I haven't seen it so we can't make this advice any more applicable. Okay, and then you need to hire Jenna Hill to run your team for you. The problem is I watched Moneyball and the math of Moneyball is all based on fucking points on the board and like that works

for Moneyball but for fantasy football it's like you don't want a nose tackle that is going to get a lot of touchdown scores because it's gonna put the points. He's gonna put the points up. He is but I think it's actually a little bit older. I think it's 62. There's still some life left in him. It's negative points if your defense gets uppity and decides to start scoring touchdowns. It's like guys, you have a very specific job. We don't need you showboating and taking it to the red zone. But you could do that in sports movies though where it's like we need a kicker and then they like bring in the dude who's like, you know, he's just been the worst tackle all his life and then he turns out to be an amazing kicker. So why don't you in your

fantasy football draft? Maybe draft some people in that aren't in the positions. That's fun. So for your lead quarterback, for your lead quarterback, you went ahead and you picked the coach of the team, which is interesting. I don't know how you hacked the website in order to do that. Your offensive line is the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, which is that's an interesting strategy. Moneyball. You did moneyball though. So I guess I got to give you points for points or two. Zero of them specific. Ranny Moss. All right. Justin with a hot tip. You got to get to the pitch and you got to scope these dudes out. Here's an important lesson I learned when nearly all of my players were injured simultaneously is you got to scope out these dudes' injured ability

because if you can make it to the end without anybody fucking dying or murdering somebody, then you have picked a damn good team. Look at their bones. Ask about their bones. How do your bones feel, Dr. Michael? Dr. Michael, can I inquire about your bones? Tell me about your bones. Specifically your leg bones because man, I need those good. Your holding bones would be ideal. If you're if you're ball holding bones, which arm do you use to just sort of tuck that ball in? Your right one? Let me check out that right tip. Looking pretty good, Dr. Michael. Drink this milk. Special milk. It's got ball bearing in it. It's got to lubricate you. I think you got to get out of this league, Sam. Sam, you got to get out of this league. No matter how hard you work at this,

you're going to come up against a wall of disinterest from you. I've got it. Here's how you get out of it. First meeting, show up to the draft wearing a wizard's robe and carrying a sword and say, I'm ready for the fantasy. And then they're going to ask you to leave. Say you were prepared by your fantasy seamstress and now you're ready to fucking rock it to Russia. You could also try to make it seem like you know too much about football to be in the league. Here's how it goes. Go in and ask your buddy, so do you draft an entire team defense or do you draft individual defensive players? And then when they answer that, then you tell them that you've done that before and it's beneath you. You can't do that again. And then it'll make it seem like you love football

and you love drafts. You just don't love this football. And then when you draft the worst team ever drafted in fantasy football history, that illusion will be so mysterious to them because it'd be like, damn, I thought Jeff knew shit. I thought Jeff knew the shit about this. You could, but you could play that out. Like with every pick you make, if it's really bad, just act like you're way more plugged in. You wrote down Chris Sabo. What the fuck are you? Got some insider tips. I checked out Sabo's bones. That dude's collar bones are fucking tight. I checked out his say bones. His eyeballs. His eyeballs, I won't lie, leave a lot to be desired. Not a lot of glasses allowed on the pitch, but this guy's collar bones

disgusting. He's ripped. You could, you could great Gruyere on this guy's collar bones. They're amazing. His say bones. God, I miss Chris Sabo's. Me too. Love that cat. Here's a quickie. When you're staying at a friend's house, are you allowed to use the shower stuff? That's from Sneaky Shower Sampler. My answer is 100% yes. Yeah, definitely. They should have put that stuff in our lock and key. You're welcome to friend hotel and they've, oh, they've set out some nicely. Oh, thank you. Sometimes I'll try both the soaps in there. You need to keep your scalp. My armpits. You gotta, you gotta keep your scalp away from them, though. You gotta, you gotta make, cause it's, it's an assumed thing, but like it can lead to

some fucking sticky situations. His wife turns the corner into the kitchen and gets that whiff, that familiar old spice whiff and is like, Hey honey, I'm, but it's you. She just called you honey. Now there's some fucking tension in the mix. And then they're divorced. Now we don't, this doesn't apply. See, I have a quandary about this though, right? Like, does this apply to bar soap? Because okay, the initial reaction is like, okay, I don't want to rub somebody else's skin on my skin. Well, skin, skin is a best case scenario when you're talking about dirt. They're, they're, they're, they're, but here's the thing. We're talking about an object that is specifically designed to eliminate the danger of butt dirt. It's not like a magic thing that banishes the dirt. And we

also need to address, Justin, are you just taking that bar of soap and just like, are you directly getting that bar of soap in your butt? Cause we fucking stayed, we stayed in the same fucking hotel room in Los Angeles like a week ago. Because I, I, because I want to get all my butt dirt out, be daddy's clean boy. I'm suddenly the pervert here. You're not daddy. Okay. First of all, I'm pissed off because that first day you're like, Oh yeah, I guess I'll take the first shower or no big little that I know you are fucking claiming that bar of soap so that nobody could ever use it again, even though I did. Cause I didn't know you were fucking a fucking butt soap enthusiast. Yeah, please be more specific Griffin about the parts of my anatomy on which you are comfortable

being, being a second hand. If it doesn't touch me in a hug, I'm not interested in it. So you thought that I was, I was washing and showering and doing my regular shower business, but leaving my crevices unmolested. Like maybe using a washcloth, like a fucking sane adult. Hey fucking clue. So did you see a washcloth in the shower? There were two literally on the shelf right next to it. Were they used? No, but I thought maybe there were four and you used two. I thought there were four and you used two. I thought you were doing, you thought I was just doing semaphore there in the shower. Please send liquid soap help. I don't want my grimy butt dirt to be passed on to the next

year. Oh, but you did. Oh, that bar soap, they didn't change it too. Cause it was the worst hotel ever. I really want to stop talking about you guys butt dirt exchange. That makes one of us. Let's talk about farm wisdom, farm wisdom, get a piece of straw. Here's he half farm wisdom. That's pretty good. Sam sent us a really lovely picture of a real live baby cow that he had, that he was with in the picture because he was holding a piece of paper saying, mvmbam June 2013. You sure it wasn't a chop. So it looked pretty real. I'll post it. I'll post it on Twitter and everybody can take a picture. I photoshopped myself into a lot of pictures with cows just to brag. That's fair. This bit of farm wisdom comes from Elizabeth and she says,

raccoons perceived as mere pests and trash diggers in urban environments are stone cold assassins who will murderize your ducks under the cover of night. Sure. There are paw prints look exactly like baby handprints and supposedly early settlers believed there were tiny babies walking around on their hands in the woods. How the fuck did we win this country? How the fuck were we the conquerors when we thought fucking baby we had baby duck thieves? Oh, those are those those forest babies, the babies of the woods. And this next one comes from Fred and Fred says his girlfriend's mom dropped a nugget of farm wisdom on him. If you see a turtle crossing the road, it's going to rain. The more turtles you see in the day, the worse it rains.

That seems like dog shit to me. Now, I don't want to confuse old wives tales of farm wisdom. Right. I actually I actually looked it up. I checked it out because I wanted to confirm this. And that really is the thing it has to do with like them moving to find water and such that apparently the more turtles you see, the bigger it's going to rain because they're anticipating it. How do the turtles have the fucking turtles are the turtles moving out of where it's not going to rain towards where the rain is going to happen? Now, now you're getting beyond my nose because if so, like that would be a pretty dope scene in Twister. If they're like, we got to chase down this fucking deadly F5 funnel cloud. How are we going

to pull this off? And then Helen Hunt? Helen Hunt? I'm not sure. Helen Hunt or Laura Dern? Helen Hunt? It's definitely Helen. Helen Hunt. And Twister 2 is Laura Dern. Helen Hunt then in Twister 1. I guess the scene would work in either film. Gives out a box of turtles. And then the fucking turtles get sucked up into the cloud, but the turtles have sensors attached to their backs. And so Bill Pullman? Bill Paxton. Bill Paxton achieves his livestream. Bill Paxton? I'm going to edit all that together and it's going to sound like I'm not having a stroke. Well, we got to pay for Griffin's stroke bill someway, so let's go to the money zone. Can we go to the money ball? So basically our only sponsor for the money zone this week,

and if you, by the way, would like to be a sponsor, go to maximalfund.org.jumbotron, and you can wish someone happy birthday, happy anniversary, put out a personal or commercial message, anything you want. Head over there. Our one sponsor, though, we're very happy to have, is an adult, an adult wonderland, really. I would call them a super duper store. A super duper store called ExtremeMachines.com. They are also merchants of fantasy. That's true. That's true. You want to talk about somebody who maybe has a hard time explaining their job? How about the guy that has to pack up the clitoris enhancer clip pump kit for shipping to you at a really great discount? I can't. I don't.

The import, export business. You guys just keep, you keep listing off different jobs and I'll tell you what they actually tell their friends and family. Okay, dildo mold cleaner. They clean out. Sculptor. Sculptors. Yeah, that works. The guy who writes slut onto the impressions paddles. Calligrapher. Okay, so you're saying that someone's going to tell me that they're a professional calligrapher, and I'm going to let that combo drop? Okay. What do you calligrapher? It's like wedding invitations in a manner of speaking, in a manner of speaking. It is inviting to some, to some individuals. What about the guy who individually tests each rump shaker vibrating anal plug? That would be R&D. I mean R&D? Okay. Research and development. Thank you.

Who, what about the guy that picks the model that displays the spider mouth gags? Talent scout. Okay, you're pretty good at this. I'll give it, but if you would like to see all these different career opportunities, they're all at extremestreams.com. What about the person that tries masturbating to all the pictures before they can put it up on the web? Because before they put up a picture on their website, somebody has to successfully masturbate to that picture. Focus group. Damn. Damn, you're good. I don't think you can be a professional focus group member though. I'm a focus group of one. I get paid in Teddy Grahams. You can get everything on this website for 20% off. All you need to do is use a coupon code

from us and it's sexabunga, which is spelled just like it sounds, but I would not recommend saying it out loud. Or, yeah, because the fucking prism. Prism could be listening and then they'll fucking leak it to a coupon site. We can't have that, guys. You got to keep this coupon code secret, but don't keep it so secret that you forget to use it and pick yourself up an ostrich tickler. That was actually the job that I tell people I do. Hi, I'm Jesse Thorne, the host of NPR's Bullseye. And I'm Jordan Morris, another guy. Jordan and I have been friends for a really long time and we co-host the comedy podcast, Jordan and Jesse Go Together. Jordan, what would you say Jordan and Jesse goes all about?

It's about funny stories, crazy ideas, swearing. So basically nothing. Yeah, nothing, but we always have fun and funny celebrity guests from the worlds of comedy, television, music, everything. I think you're actually going to like being radio friends with us. Yeah. Check out Jordan and Jesse Go online at maximumfun.org or free in iTunes or your favorite pod catcher. Do you guys know Yahoo? Absolutely. This Yahoo was sent in by Ira Ray. Are you Ira Ray? What happened to you? I'm sorry. I was waiting for the question and I want to say something funny about it and I'm sorry. You chose. You don't even know what the

question is yet. How are you gonna? Idiot. Okay. I was just opening my mind and getting ready. Okay. Who wants to know? It's by Yahoo Answers user Nigel, who asks, is it fun to butt chug Diet Pepsi Max? I was wondering if doing it gets you buzzed faster than normal. Yeah, what's irritating is I've been having a hard time finding Pepsi Max lately and I guess this is where it's all been going. Because you'd have to do this a lot to get buzzed off it. When he says buzz, does he mean like a caffeine boost? Well, the Max has some, what, like some Gorana, some Justice shit up in, right? Oh, yeah. What is butt chugging? Butt chugging is when, you know how like you get thirsty in your mouth and your throat

and the way you remedy that is to pour liquid down it and just like send it down the right pipe. This is the wrong pipe. This is the wrongest pipe for this particular activity, but there are certain individuals, it's like a genetic flaw that like your mouth and throat gets thirsty, your butt gets like super, it's called dry butt. Okay, I've never had that. Well, it's because we don't, that's because you wash your butts. And in the Macaroy kitchen Punnett Square, dry butt doesn't appear anywhere in the mix. It's not a recessive or a dominant trait. So we didn't even run the risk of having it, but there are a lot. We have the wettest butts. There are, I wouldn't say we have wet butts out loud on a podcast, Travis, but I would say that

they are, they are, they are of average moisture, moisture. Yes. Okay. So this is, this is like a, also, also teenagers do it to get fucked up because they're dumb. Yeah. Why don't they just put in their regular holes? Because when you put it in your butt, it absorbs more efficiently. Yeah. Does it though? Yeah. They've got to be, I don't believe, I think that kids are the dumbest things that exist. Kids between the ages of 10 and 19. I'm sorry if you are listening and you fall into that category. I don't, I think they're the dumbest, but I don't think that they would butt chug or colon roll if it didn't, if it didn't get results. But somebody had to do it the first time. Like there had to be a pioneer who was like,

I've got it, you guys. A 13 year old was doing it because they were trying to early pledge for a frat because the world is fucked and we're all dead. Children are our future and our future is looking pretty shitty if you ask me. There's a, there's a problem that I have with butt chugging. Just the one? That you do it. That's the issue, that it exists. Is it, I mean, what about the taste? Don't you miss the taste of alcohol? Well, you catch some of that with your taste buds. I don't think that, Zach. I think you're starting to lie to me about butt chugging now. Well, no, because like when you eat food, some of your taste buds come off with the food and they go down in the bolus.

Can I tell you guys something that is so sad to me is that we have been doing this show for this long and we have gone to so many depraved corridors of humanity that when I'm introduced to the concept and the opportunity to discuss this idea of butt chugging, it is not even remarkable enough to me on the landscape of human depravity that I can come up with anything to like useful to say about it. Like, yeah, I mean, I guess people do everything. We're talking about literal teenagers literally pouring liquids up their body and I'm just kind of sleepy. That's like where I'm at is like I was just thinking about how great it would be to take a nap right now. Do you think that's what getting old is when people are like, why? I mean, it takes

all kinds, you know, like they say something like that's like because they've seen how bad it gets everywhere with everything that they can't find it in their hearts to be moved. Well, yeah, because like that and that's also what death is. Death is like you see the last thing and you're like, like, oh, vagina chewing. I'm out. I peeked at vagina eating and now I'm done. Are we accelerating our own like our deaths going to approach us quicker because we've seen and or second hand experience like more of the things I know because burning because like experiences like in the giver, we need to have children that we pass along. I don't want to give any experiences to and then we can die. I would rather inject these kids and put them down the

chute to continue the giver analogy. No fucking way. No fucking way. My kids can never know about this program. I am fucking burying everybody's computers in a vault. Seriously. And yes, Justin, I feel like we are like we are definitely moving ourselves faster to the grave with this podcast because I was shooting for 250 when we started and now I feel like I'm on death's door before you even get to 200. Wait, you're saying that you wanted to live to 250 episodes, not years, because fucking teenagers won't let me get that long. They're trying to kill me. I feel like once we do 200 episodes, that'll be enough. Yeah. I mean, like I feel like we'll have enough of a catalog. There won't be any more shit the teenagers do that we haven't talked about. We'll have to

start answering adult questions. Yeah, children are quite literally our future on this show and the future is running is running out or running out of future. Or we're going to have to like start going to fucking Spencer's gifts and doing some some polling, doing some census work on the ground. Have you heard about anything dirty? Hey, what do kids do? Butt checking? No, we did that. Vagina chewing. Ding, ding, ding. Griffin joked about it once. We can't do that one anymore. We invented that actually accidentally. We invented vagina chewing. Kids, please start doing some really messed up things like really depraved. Yeah, keep us going. Just keep this show going. We're running it. But in no way are we endorsing the horrible things you're going to do to your own

body. But do tell us about them. Do tell. If it's going to happen to someone, you can even abstract the story. So it happened to a buddy. A wink. No, don't do it. We got to legally cover ourselves here. Don't do these things. Don't do anything. But do, you know, feel free to listen to this next question. You've earned yourself that much. My wife and I recently found out we're going to have a second child. For our first one, we got a name pretty quickly. And that's worked out pretty well. But we're stumped on this one. Any advice on finding that perfect name that's from Adel in Alabama? I like the idea of the first name. It worked out pretty well. Like there's like a shit like it's a fucking like fluid like the you name your kid Douglas and then like the world's

most famous mass murderer is named Douglas. And you're like, well, damn it. Do you think he'd check with the baby? Like, hey, baby, how's your name going? Are you a Douglas? I just want to do it quick. Let me dip in real quick, baby. Um, yeah, thumbs up. Your baby, your baby as soon as he learns to speak and put together like cogent thought is like, ah, man, I'm you should have gone with the correct answer was Craig. I've been a Craig since day one. I just feel like I'm a Craig trapped in a Douglas body. Right. You should not name your children until I think you should let them name themselves or let let your first child name your second child. Oh, that's fun. Because every every child born until the United States would be called trucks.

This is my son, Cheerio. Hey, that's my first word Cheerio. I think Cheerios. Good job. Get those complex carbohydrates going. Introduce them really. Well, at least it wasn't like, uh-oh, crunch berries, you know what I mean? Like they're a far. Oh, berries. Yeah. At least your first is my little brother, Piscetti. Get it. Cause I can't say it cause I'm two. Or if your kid is older, your first child is like eight and he just names them like, uh, the other one. Mommy's new favorite. Yeah. Oh, it got sad. What if you got like the right age for a kid? You could come up with a pretty banging name though. Like if you let your say seven year old name your baby Decepticon, like that could be pretty good. Wait, is he naming the baby Decepticon or did

you have a baby Decepticon? No, no, no, no. That technology is years away. I'm saying just that you let the child name the other baby based on whatever, you know, whatever he's into. What are you into right now, kid? Captain Feather Sword, the baby? That sounds like a good name. Put on the certificate. That's pretty good. Um, I don't want to talk about celebrity gossip on this show, but we're about to, cause I saw this news story, I saw this news article on The Times, one of The Times, um, Kanye West and King Kardashian named their baby North, making the baby's name Northwest. And we can all agree that that's fresh. That's fresh as shit, except they came out and they said it's not, the name is not like the cardinal direction.

The name, they were saying like North is like up and that's where this baby's going. It is on, it's on a skyward trajectory, which. So I'm sorry, were they trying to make a case for the fact that both this child's names were cardinal directions were unrelated? Like they didn't realize till after? No, I think that they are trying to make that argument. They're also trying to make the argument that when you look up in the sky, that direction is North. It's not dog. That's, that direction is up upwards. You collaborated with God. You should have named the baby up. You collaborated with God once. I don't think he's going to change physics for you. Sorry guys. Yeah. Yeah. I had to work part of the retainer on the album is North is up now and

forwards is, is just Jesus. I tell you what, though, these compasses are fucked up. Are you guys coming to a Jesus by Jesus East this year? So see some pretty good shows there. Surprisingly, Jesus is not performing. My, you know, a lot of people will give me shit for this. My favorite Rob Reiner movie is still Jesus. That's why I know it's a little off the wall, but I really think that I should what is 14 whole seconds to understand it. Do you guys know Yahoo? North West is a good name. It is a good name. Just fucking just like own it. You know what I mean? Yeah. This Yahoo was sent by Jacob Locker. Thank you, Jacob Locker. It's by Yahoo answers user Cassie who asks, I want to bury stuff. What will protect it in the ground?

I want to put stuff in a box and bury it. What will protect the box? A bigger box, larger box. Oh, yeah. But then you think of like coffins and shit. Like I almost always am. And then like this worms and bugs and dirt and nutrients and shit get in there. You got to put another box. Well, wait a minute. You got to double box it. Right. But it, I think it depends on like what you're burying, right? Because if you're burying something that already has dirt in it, like a butt, how bad can it get? Yeah. It's just going to, it's going to keep going on that path. There's really nothing you could do to prevent it. You're saying pre ruin your shit. And then when you put it in the ground,

like it's not going to get any worse. It's already shitty. That's a pretty dumb idea. But it's no worse than Travis's shitty Matrice Goddahl idea of box upon box upon box upon box. Although that, I'm sorry. I thought that this, I thought this podcast was a free exchange of ideas. I was not aware that this was a hate factory. It wasn't. But then after we hired Bola D. She insisted. Hey y'all. Hey y'all. What was the hate factory? The world's worst stand up comic club. You look slightly Italian. Can we not dinosaurs dinosaurs little kids are always burying their shit. Why not? Why not put it in the, why not put it in a tree? Why not do like a little kid sky burial where you cover it with, you know, with berries and other things that birds like.

And then they'll just take your things in the sky. Are you even talking English now? There's, you haven't heard of what it's a sky burial where like somebody dies and they let them get down to just bones. It's getting a little morbid, but they let their body just get down to just bones and they cover those bones in sweet scents and then they put it on top of a mountain and birds just carry it in the sky. Sky burial. The birds carry the bones away. Birds carry away the bones. They don't remain in the sky. I imagine. I don't, I don't think that a plane is going to be flying like over the Alps somewhere and then run into a bone cloud because that would be pretty gnar, but I am saying for temporarily your bones are in flight. They're in transit. So it's not a

sky burial. So much of various locations nearby burial. Well, it's a burial for as long as a bird can stay interested in carrying anything. It's a, which a news life is very short. I mean, it's a nest burial. Like let's be honest. But then you become in part, you're getting back into the fucking live stream back into the man. I do like that though. I want my energy to help support beautiful robin eggs. That's what I'm saying. I would rather birds didn't shit all over my corpse though. Well, it's, it's just your bones. And really, once you get down to bones, that's not you anymore. It's just bones. Yep. I think it was, I think Mary Roach wrote about that in staff where she talked about just the natural cycle of life where it ends with birds

shitting all over you. Do you know, do you know who would make a great nest? Michael Finley is looking so good this season. Chris say bones, put him in the sky, put him in a nest, no matter where he is, football, baseball, basketball, highlight, dude's got the best bones. If I was a bird and I could make a nest out of Chris say bones, I think there are, it would be able to support, it would be somehow passed down to the next generation of birds. There are vultures just like chilling outside of his Cincinnati compound, just waiting for the day. I think we're done. Yep. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast, my brother, my brother and me. Note, programming note, if I may be so bold. We have a new addition to the Maximum Fun family

and it's a show called Saw Bones that's made by me and my wife Sydney who's a, no it's good. It's made by me and my wife Sydney, she's a doctor and when you talk about the history of medicine, but it's a silly show about the history of medicine because I'm dumb. I've heard it's a 45 minute long fart, is that true? No, there's no farts. We haven't done that episode yet. Our first episode is about trepanation, which is a medical procedure that involves putting a hole in your head. You can find it on iTunes. If you could subscribe and tell your friends and rate and review and everything, that would be supremely helpful. These opening weeks are so important for the podcast. If you could fucking not stop listening to our podcast when you make

a hole in your life for Justin and Sydney's new podcast, that's not this one. This being the only podcast that I really do, other than Besties, which doesn't count, it's so important to me that you guys maintain. Oh, and in case anyone's wondering, my podcast is still dead. Oh man. I am working on a new podcast though. Why do you have to make this about you? Why can't this one moment be about me? Fuck. Oh, also, John Hodgman has a special on Netflix called Ragnarok filmed in front of a live audience and it's absolutely hilarious. Make sure you check it out. I will check that out. It's free on Netflix. It's way better than Justin's thing. I am still looking for angel investors for my Pokemon Logistics podcast. We're in series A right now, funding,

requests, and I don't know anything about any of those words I said. So if you're a businessman, a businessman, and you want to give me some help, I will not turn it down. Hey, listen. Thank you to people tweeting about the show like Sean McNamara, Jeremy Frank, Arthur Barnhouse, Symphony Man, Peter Williams, Jess Baker, Dr. Dinosaur, KC Green, Bonnie Hardwick, everybody. You're the absolute best. Thank you for spreading the show around. We love you very much. I want to thank John Roderick in the long winters for the use of our theme song into departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. Not the only song on that album. There are several others. If you want to be cheap, checking out on Spotify, but I must insist that you buy

the album, both in its physical, vinyl, and digital forms. Our last question is coming to us from young Griffin McElroy. He's got one for us to think about every week. And then, of course, as always, we'll come back and answer it next week, which is just our way of enticing you to continue to stay with us. It's just a fun thing we always do. It was sent in by Jacob Blocker. Thank you, Jacob Blocker. My boy. It's by Yahoo! Interest User. Question mark, who asks, How much are 120 Silly Bands worth? I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad. Score on the lips.

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