My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 158: The Taco Nexus

Episode Date: July 1, 2013

Folks, we implore you, for the good of mankind, for the sake of your children and your children's children, for the betterment of the entire world and all its inhabitants: Just tilt the taco. Suggested talking points: Patriotic Mash-Up, Snake Guy, Basketball Hyperkinesis, Pringles Yoga, Anger Two, Squishy Winks, Sheryl Psy

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's a new place And the girls, do you want it? Just say, hey, I want it Just say, hey, I want it She's a grand old flag, she's a high-flying flag

Forever, may she wave Over the land of the free, home of the brave Welcome everybody to our 4th of July celebration I'm sorry, did you say home of the brave? He's like a super patriotic girl talk He's just jamming together all the old standards written by Francis Scott Key. Is that who did it? Yeah

If these remix artists are so keen to save us time, like they're always saying, well let's mash up two pop tunes so you can listen to two at once. Shouldn't they have at this point, shouldn't they have mashed up every holiday theme into like one super theme? One super theme for each holiday, I'm saying, like one Christmas song that's like Jingle bells, home for the holidays Baby Jesus, just hit all the high notes Yeah, right

See, what's funny is even after doing this show for so long, I still have things to learn because I had no idea that DJs did remixes for efficiency sake. They were just trying to save us time Okay Is that inaccurate? I mean, what other music could there be? If Dr. Girl Talk, if DJ Dead Mouth wanted to really save us time, he wouldn't do a mash up for each holiday. There would be a single, almost like happy birthday-esque tune

that you would just do at any kind of holiday celebration. And it would just be like, you know, it's time to celebrate, feel it's time to feel good, but then like Halloween, that's kind of weird. Right, it's time to feel bad. Oh, what if we just made it like, it's time to observe? Oh, that's good. It's not a normal day. Unless you're Jewish, for some people and some days. Just some days overlap, let's not cut them out.

Everybody's welcome, but you may not show up. Here's the verse about Hanukkah. Some of you can turn it down or just keep listening. It's got some good rhymes. Obviously, clearly, clearly the rhymes are on point. Okay, if you check on P for this song, it would be the Hanukkah verse where it would just catch you up and tell you what you missed. Right. So this is my brother, brother, brother to me.

It's an observant show for the modern era. I am your oldest, most observant brother, Justin McRoy. I'm your minimalist brother and I'm not that observant. Travis McRoy. I'm your baby brother, Griffin McRoy. And I don't care about labels. You don't care? No. When it comes to observance.

You care about labels for like expiration dates. Oh, yeah, and like clothes and shit. Yeah, all that. Griffin only wears name brand clothing. Yeah. I'm into Abercrombie and Fitch because it's like the more people protest and boycott it, like the more it is becoming precipitously more stylish for me to wear it. Griffin, do you like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch?

Yes, but if I had one wish, it would probably be for like, you know, a billion bucks or something like that. Oh, I see. If I had that. Do you think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer? No, that's actually, I wish they would call ahead. I don't think it's too much to ask them to call ahead first. How long are you staying?

I kind of thought you were just going to swing through. For the entire three goddamn months until the middle of August? No, no, no. That's not going to, listen, I have plans. I'm going to Myrtle Beach soon, soon. I can't have you stay there. Will you at least feed the dogs? You won't.

Damn it. Jesus. I like girls that feed my dogs for me. They water my plants and bring you in the paper. Please don't steal my Reggie Jackson Bicepaw. Bicepaw? What's your base? Oh God, was Reggie Jackson's base world player, please?

I'm sure we'll find out in post. I want to help somebody. Here we go. I find myself in the need of some advice. In several weeks, a very good friend of mine is leaving our city to pursue a PhD or through. I am quite sad. He is leaving.

That was though. That was a though, not a through though. I am quite sad. He is leaving my general vicinity. I am also excited. He got into his number one college and will be studying his favorite subject. Here's my problem. I want to get him something meaningful, but I don't know what the man version of frame college.

Oh, sorry. Jesus, Justin. I don't know what the man version of frame photo collage of some of our favorite memories with a thoughtful letter written on the back. What can I get him that will be meaningful, but won't be too girly? P.S. I'm a gay lady. So this isn't about a sad loss of love that could have been. Thank you, Megan, for clearing that out because I would have been.

Yeah, because our fucking stupid truglet-eyed brains would have just been like, Oh, I tell you, you love thing. You wait. Tab A slot B. Let's get this done. Like, I'm glad that you cleared that up for us. See, I think that would be a very nice get. Yeah, you're kind of touched. Kind of casting some some dispersions right now because like.

What is this? Guys like that shit, too. Is this straight phobia? It's going on here. I think it is. I think it's a straight phobia. What do you call it when you're prejudiced against straight dudes? I think it doesn't nothing.

It's called nothing at all. It's called not a thing at all. It's called not anything that anyone should worry about. Not a problem. Just it's everybody's medicine. You just have to take it. I mean, I do think that this is one time where I mean, I mean, she would probably know her friend better than us.

One would hope so. Maybe she knows that he wouldn't necessarily be the sort of dude that way. He really isn't. He's a Brock, a Brock Stone chin type. He's he's just not not interested in frills. Too afraid to feel. Maybe this is the doorway into his emotions, though. Maybe you give him this key and he's like,

he's just going to feel everything all at once. Oh, so that could be scary, though. Yeah, that might be a little frightening. I can get intense. Can you get him a football or a basketball? Set of shoulder pads, maybe. Get this to your new college and dunk it. Give him give him a football and write hometown on it.

Why would someone always remember? Yeah. For all the touchdowns, you're going to score. Oh, what if you just say, like, like, have make a touchdown in your your doctorate studies? That's not good. He's going to get beat up. Yeah, he's well, and also, like, it's a good point.

Anybody who's getting their doctorate probably doesn't like football. I would think maybe not a photo collage. OK, that's probably a bit much. But maybe a photo, something that he could like remember you by. I think that would be kind of nice, actually. If you guys have a favorite like movie or TV show, you could always like get him that and that way he'll watch it. Oh, that's such a lazy.

That's such a lazy gift. More than just like printing off a photo and pumping in a frame. Now, here's it. Here's the thing about the photo versus photo collage. If I go to someone's home and I see a photo of them with a person, I'm going to I'll probably won't even ask about it. I'll probably just think like, oh, that's a special person. Yeah, special person.

If I see a photo collage in my mind, that person died. They're dead. OK, that's it. That's a that's a that's a alter. Can we do a collage of something that's not photos? Like words cut out of magazines. No, not like a fucking. There's a word for that.

Yeah. OK. That's a ransom note. I'm thinking more along the lines of like. Like lunch meats, like a nice lunch. A tray of I guess what I'm saying is that you should get him a tray of lunch meats. Ooh, framed. Framed if you want, but it's really just going to add an extra step between him and get partying down on those lunch.

If you think about it, that's all lunchables really are. Just frame get him some lunchables. Get him a box of lunchables right hometown on it. And yeah, I'm on his way. Send him back a bulk bulk box because you don't want to get him just one. You look cheap. Get him like a big box from like the Costco. Yeah, get him something that's really going to help him establish a character

at his new. Oh yeah, he could be the lunchable guy. Well, I was going to say a snake. Oh, OK. Get him a snake and then he's like that guy that doesn't help him get his foot into the door. Anybody want to be that guy? Does anybody want to be snake? Nobody was.

Jake the snake Roberts. Nobody wants to be snake guy, but somebody has to be. Jake the snake Roberts didn't want to be snake guy. He he unintentionally built a career around being snake guy. Like being a snake guy paid the fucking bills. But as soon as Jake the snake Roberts got home, he threw that snake in the garbage and bought a new one. And that that kind of frivolity is what made snake prices go up so high.

And it also ruined Jake the snake Roberts. Because he had a house full of stings. Well, they're not going to stay in the garbage can. He had a bank account full of snake receipts, but not money. And you can't spend snake receipts at the at the Piggly Wiggly, you know. He must have been so excited when you figure out that Jake and snake rob. Jake the lake. No, no, no.

Jake the quake. I'll find it. It's actually pretty good. Jake the quake Roberts. He would have to get fat for that to work. You can't be skinny and be the quake. Jake the fake. Oh, Jake the quaker and then.

Jake or the Quaker Roberts. Yeah. Oh, he owed him. Oh, he's been owed it. He's got notes on him. I just finished her. OK, we can't keep fucking propagating these stereotypes. Like Quakers are into way more shit than just.

I just meant I just meant that they don't listen. You don't know that. That's probably true. So I think we're saying, listen, if I can't make fun of anybody, can it be the people that don't listen? Yeah, yeah. Because you know what? You know what?

Yeah, you know what? Fuck those people. They're not even going to give us a shot. They're not even going to try our podcast. I'm saying I'm not even making fun of Quakers. I'm saying they're horde. Quakers are horde. Oh, by the way question, Megan, you're welcome.

Yeah. So give him a photo class of Jake the snake Roberts. Oh my god. That would be awesome. Ooh, ooh. Give him the photo clause of Jake the snake's Robert snake that got killed by, I want to say, Brett the hitman heart. Thank you, everybody, for sitting in Yahoo's.

This Yahoo was sent in by Scott Ackerman. Thank you, Scott Ackerman. It's by Yahoo Answers user ARJ2288 who asks, how does Shaq have mental conversations? What? Shaq claimed at the 2009 NBA draft that he had mental conversations with LeBron James. Quote, I haven't had any verbal conversations with LeBron,

but I've had many mental conversations with him. How is this possible? The obvious, the obvious answer is that they are both tomorrow people. If you remember that, maybe they're both Faye. Maybe they're each half Faye. They might, they might be of, I've always said that Shaq does seem of the Faye wild, but. If you look at, if you kind of catch him out of the corner of your eye,

his eyes are all black. And vampires are always trying to get him. Could it be that they are the same person separated at birth? No, wait, that doesn't work. Or time travel, Shaq time traveled. Dimensional travel. I don't think that's, I think that's just like movement in space. I think just walking is dimensional.

I mean, like other dimensions. I know he's the number one jokester of the entire league, but I think there's probably some truth to this. I think there's probably, I don't think you get to be the, the hugest man on earth and not also be evolved in other, perhaps more supernatural ways. So what are you implying here, Griffin? I am implying that Shaq, Shaq will own ill is, is a mutant.

He is, he is homo superior is what I'm saying. Oh, I see. Not only in, not only in terms of dunking, but in terms of like he can probably move shit with his mind. Now here's the thing though, if you believe in a fair and just God, do you honestly believe that he would create a human being that is both gigantic, and has hyperkinesis? Yeah.

Hyperkinesis is ADD. So did you do something else? Yes, I did. But I can't remember the word. So I'm sticking with hyperkinesis. Okay, cool. Griffin, I think your Shaq could move things with his mind. They need probably be able to hit one from the three.

What? If you guys know what I'm talking about. Oh, taco nexus. You know what you're talking about? Griffin, I didn't hear what you were saying. I said taco, I thought you said taco nexus. I said taco nexus syndrome. You remember that commercial where Shaq eats the tacos?

You guys not remember taco nexus syndrome? I can't believe I have to explain to the two of you. Of all people, what taco nexus is. Prominent watchers of television and eaters of food, known Taco Bell enthusiast. There's a commercial where Shaq, he was shooting threes. This is going to be funny. He's making all of them.

He's making all the threes, which he's not known for. This is not his core competency. And it pans back. Or is it foul shots? Is that what he has a problem with? Those are three. It's hitting it in the paint. I think it's hitting it in the paint.

When he takes it to the paint. He keeps it in the paint. But once he's there, he has no fucking idea what to do with it. Except just run at the basket as fast as he can and just sort of bull rush it. And he's the size of two full grown men. So there's no stopping him. But if he has to make it from the paint, then he's

in a world of trouble. Anyway, cuts back to him. You're talking about the taco nexus. He's making all these sweet threes and pans back. And his neck is tilted to one side. And they're like, what? How did it happen? And some doctor is like, he's got taco neck syndrome.

And it's when you tilt your head to like, so you don't tilt the taco, you tilt your head so you don't lose any of the sweet meats in the air. He has Doritos Locos taco syndrome. Do you mean diabetes? Yes, I do. No, that's just when you get crumble fingers. America, it's your friend, Justin McRoy.

Just tilt the taco. Trust me, you can lose. We have to stop taco neck syndrome. Of the cheese shreds. Can you imagine how funny this would have been if that coercion was still on or had been on in this presidential administration? Do you think?

Hey, guys, where's the beef? Fuck. Cut it out, Justin. Cut it out. Do you think that playing basketball with somebody enough sort of gives you that sort of instinctive, like, sort of gives you a form of extra sensory perception

as to what that person is thinking? Because like, if the three of us played basketball with each other our entire lives, as opposed to just the four or five times that we did it in the basketball court that we had in our backyard for some reason, like, whenever we get on the court, like, I would know what trap,

like, if Travis wants me to get free and get in the paint. You know what I mean? I would know when Justin is about to run up for a dunk and needs me to set him up for a layup. Maybe you should just always assume that I want you to get free and get in the paint. If I'm going to run in for a dunk,

why are you going to put me in for, oh, so I'm going to dish it, I'm going to dish you the rock, basically. Or you could, you could fake dish it. You could fake left and then dish right. You know how in NBA Jam sometimes you go up and you jump up in the air to, like, dunk it and then you somehow throw the ball

behind your head without moving your arms at, like, 200 miles an hour? That is what, that's the kind of maneuver that I'm banking on you doing. But I don't need to fucking tell you this because we've been playing basketball together for so long that we have this, we have a psychic tether.

Wait, maybe Kobe and Shaq are communicating. LeBron. But LeBron doesn't play on the same team as, does he? LeBron and it doesn't matter. LeBron and Shaq are communicating, but the way this communication is actually through basketball. Maybe when he was missing all those sweet threes, Shaq was actually using an advanced form of communication

to send a message to LeBron. You know what I'm saying? Oh, like a code. It's a code, right? Like, he misses three threes in a row and LeBron's like, since the disturbance of the basketball force, I know that I can't, I forget what we were saying, get drafted by somebody.

I don't really understand that. I actually, I prefer to think of it, like with them not being on the same team that like Shaquille misses a three and like thinks really hard, like I'm really sad that I missed that three. And LeBron from like across the country thinks back, like, it'll be okay, man.

You'll get it next time. And he feels a little bit better. Yeah, because they're a lot better. They're not on the same team. They're not on the same team, but they're, you know, they're all on this together. Yeah, they're on a team I like to call the human race. Yeah, also the National Basketball Association.

There's that. That's a slightly smaller fraternity, but sure. Hey, I want to help somebody else. Here we go. I'm a full-time yoga instructor. I have dated a few girls who come into the yoga studio and it always ends up not working out. I get the impression they expect me to be different

from other guys they've dated in a lot of ways I am. I mean, I'm pretty great. I'm pretty great. And I'm bendy and shit, I guess. I think in their mind, I sit around and meditate all day. How do I give them a reasonable expectation of who I am outside the yoga studio? Or should I stop dating girls from there all together?

And that's from Let's Nama Stay Friends. Question of the Year nominee. Yeah, 2013. Pretty good so far. Hey, listen, just from me to you, as somebody who's been down the show before, maybe you start by thinking of them as women. Oh, nice.

Think about it. Next question. Hate to put you on blast. I hate to put you on blast. Could you sneak into your yoga lessons where you're like, okay, we're going to do Downward Dog. Everyone breathe. Also, did anyone check out Breaking Bad last night?

That's pretty cool, right? Anyways, and just move on. That's a lot of pressure because I think that what he's ignoring is not his behavior. They're going to expect him to know some positions. They're going to expect him to give him in some predicaments. I don't think that's what he's talking about.

I don't think it is either. That is not the context of the question. Sometimes I don't think about things before I say them. Sure. Come on. You know me better than this. I was using basketball telepathy to tell you I was smart. You were trying to take it to the paint.

What if while he was teaching yoga, periodically he would stop and just like chomp some Pringles. Just like in the middle. I mean, if it's like Bikram hot yoga, like you're probably not going to want a salty snack in the middle of it. I can't imagine doing hot yoga and wanting to smell Pringles alone even.

And can you do it when they're in a position they're not facing you? So they're waiting for you to tell them. They just hear. Well, first they'll hear that pop, that telltale pop. Just go from ear to ear whispering. Listen, I popped and now I can't stop. I'm going to need like 15, 20 minutes to clear the cash here.

They'll hear the pop. They'll hear a whiff. They'll hear yummy. That's all they're going to hear. And then just walk by and like gently adjust their positions, but really you're wiping your fingers off on this shit. That's a good way to set the bar real low. I got some sour cream dust.

I'm just going to, okay, great. You're going to want to watch this, Matt. You can call me though if you want to. I'm just like every other guy. Hey, do you want to date? Oh. Do you want a chip? Just kidding.

I popped so I legally couldn't stop. I slammed all those delicious Pringles. They have a lot of flavors of Pringles. They do. This is the last time you guys check. They have like spicy dill pickle. It's extreme dill pickle, Justin, please. I fucking love Pringles.

Pringles does. You get the extreme dill. Oh, can we not do a Pringles cooking segment? And then you kind of shuffle them together, right? You get dill and ranch in the same bite. I just think we're going to enter a future where all of our meals are delivered via Pringles. I mean, it is the best way to transfer that particular food stuff.

But can we just not put it, can we not wait, can we not just enjoy these last remaining years before all of our things come in cans and convex shapes? You know, technically Pringles aren't chips, they're crisps. Oh, they're reconstituted. They're reconstituted, right? And that was, they used to call them chips in the potato chip. There was a big lawsuit.

Yeah, it's got really bad. Who the fuck eats a Pringles like, oh, what the fuck? I was told there would be chips. Nobody, but thanks lobbyists, you know? You know, Griffin, if you ever watched Unwrapped, you would know that. Yeah, well. I mean, if they, I understand that they would think that. But also, that's kind of on them.

I mean, why would they assume that you would just yoga all the time? My girl likes to yoga all the time. You can't live like a yoga, yeah. You can't live a yoga lifestyle 24 hours a day. I mean, I know some people are out there doing it, but he's just like any other guy. And if they assume otherwise because of one facet of their personality, you know, I think that they're not the person you were going to end up with anyway.

But I totally get it because this is like the one, this career is completely characterized by soft speech and like a sort of enlightenment. Like I don't do yoga, of course, like look at my, just look at my body. Look at what I'm working with. This is not a, this is not a yoga body. It just isn't. I tried to do yoga. Day one, the instructor was like,

I'm sorry, that is not a yoga body. I need you to go. You're making everybody else feel bad for you. Isn't that something you build to? No, you just have it or you don't? No, it's like, are you an endomorph or an ectomorph? Like it's based entirely on your body shape. I'm an uh-oh morph.

It means my body, like I can maintain, but I can't get any better than where I'm at right now. Anyway, I don't want to talk about that anymore. What I'm saying is that this is a career determined by enlightenment. And so you put out this facade of enlightenment that people, like you can't just like get in your car and like throw in a Brooks and Duncan set. Like people are gonna-

But the difference is like you're not, you're not like a Buddhist Zen teacher. You're a yoga teacher. Right, but you still have to- That's where I get confused by the like kind of assumption of enlightenment. I don't think that it's the same deal. But there's no yoga instructor who's like, all right guys, let's fucking do this.

I look at that yoga class though. Throws on the Mortal Kombat soundtrack and is like, bend your butt. Put your butt on your back. New K. Put your butt in the air and hold it there. Coward, make sure to maintain your breathing. Bride in. There's one part of the email that I neglected to read

that sort of disproves his question because he says, I'm still a guy. I like to watch the Simpsons, pro sports, and sometimes when I nap, I fart in my sleep. And you know what? I thought about it and you have got to be really in touch with your body to know if you fart when you're asleep. You wake up just to write in your dream journal, six.

Six of them today. Oh, no. Well, it's because he has increasing. Every time he toots, he has to say namaste. And so like he wakes himself up. I think he probably says, no, nasty. Stupid. Let's take it from an urban setting to a more rural.

Let's take it from an urban setting to a more rural one with farm wisdom. You know, I really can't introduce the bit and then sing the song and then take it off. That's like a three person job that I'm trying to take onto myself. It's uniquely American, but farm wisdom, farm wisdom. Pick up your pitch for farm wisdom. Are you done?

I can never tell when you're done. You end with an upward inflection. Like you're asking a question and song. This first one comes from Johnny and Johnny says, if you have a problem with rabbits messing your garden up, spread human hair throughout the soil. Rabbits hate the smell of human hair. Hey, this is some pretty cool stew you made.

This is some really cool vegetable stew that you made. One issue, though. It looks like a dad's chest in my bowl right now. And I don't know what the fuck's going on. You could probably like go to a barber shop and get like their clippings. I doubt you have to use your own hair. And I imagine you wash the vegetables before you use. Yeah. Do you mind if I just come to the barber?

Hey, barber. Hi, barber. Thanks for taking my call real quick. I was wanting if I could do one thing that is might be a little strange. Can I have all the hair? I brought my own bag. It's reusable. I brought my own bag and a little scooper.

Just get in there. I, does it twist anybody else's perception of the human rabbit relationship? If you know that every time like a child picks up a little bunny, that buddy is thinking, oh, you stinky bastard. Oh, what is that smell? Oh, God, is that you? Oh, he's going to kiss me. Oh, I'm going to smell like this for days.

I can't get this out of my snoot. This next one comes from Alyssa who says, did you know that if you see a bull snake around your house, that means you don't have any rattlesnakes around. Bull snakes will murder the fuck out of them. Thank you, Alyssa. If I see a bull snake around my house, it also means that I don't own that house anymore. Um, yeah, my reaction whenever I see any snake is never like, oh, great. Fantastic.

Well, because what's good, what that basically is telling you is the thing that can kill, the thing that can kill you, it lives at your house. I love, let me identify that. So I know how to react to it. Nope. Can I just have a Ricky Ticky Tabby running around my house? That would seem fine. Yeah.

Adorable little mongoose. Now somebody's getting to tell me that mongooses are mean. They're probably not mongies first off. And they're also probably not like the friendliest creatures. They're bred, they are bred to fight. You know what I mean? They're bred to kill snakes. Yeah.

Anything whose main diet can, if like, if the only thing I ate was great white sharks, you probably wouldn't want to like chill with me. I disagree. I think you'd be like the coolest. I'd have so many questions. Yeah. What's it taste like? How do you get a steady supply?

Can I have some? No. To all. Aren't those in danger? Might be another bunch right now. Are you in prison? They're in danger, they're in danger dirt now. With every bite.

With every bite. A little more in danger. There are only 100,008.4 left because I am halfway through this meal. You could actually come back. I think they're big enough that you could just catch one, grab a couple of fillets, ice him down, and then release him back in the wild, let him heal up. No, the great white's going to be pissed.

Yeah. He's going to be, that's why they're all so angry, because the group keeps stealing fillets from them. Let's go to the next one. God, who's this first message for? This first message is for Wilson. Well, then it could only be from Ryan, I assume. They're like buds forever.

Griffin, I want you to read this with the appropriate inflection. Hey, Wilson. Yeah, you, Wilson. I don't know what the right, what do you want me to do? You're doing great. Yeah, keep going. You're doing great. Is this freaking you out?

I bet it is. Happy 21st birthday, you magnificent son of a bitch. I like to imagine that right now they're in the same car and Ryan is just staring at him with a knife. This is the last thing that happens. Can we get one money zone that's just like, this is how it ends? Happy birthday. I'll be waiting for you at home.

The trap is sprung. Thank you. Thank you to both of you. Your friendship sounds deeply, grossly rewarding. Speaking of grossly rewarding, let's talk about extreme restraints.com. It's an adult superstar where you can find a whole cornucopia of sexual delight. H-O-L-E.

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I think my favorite item on this list, only because of the word choices, is silicone derriere plug. Oh my, how dignified. I know. That's also with a tea set, which is weird. Oh, Daryl. Daryl, would you be a deer and insert that plug into my derriere? The one sitting on the doily, yes.

It's the one on the doily, protecting the table from my natural oil. If it won't fade, feel free to use some of my wig powder to reduce the friction. I also see on here that somebody bought a joint purse dress of a male masturbation device and a strap-on. They're not planning on doing anything, except putting the strap-on into the masturbation device. I mean, that would seem like the obvious option here.

Maybe they've got a town for a while and they want robbers to think someone's in there fucking. Right. The flashlight is just a holster for the strap-on. Like a sheath. A scapegoat, if you will. There's also a set of stainless steel Kegel balls purchased by itself. And I want to say to whatever lady purchased that,

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Spice it up in there. Easy, pretty, beautiful. Hi, this is Biz. And I'm Teresa. And we host a show about being new moms. Have you ever pretended to be a sleeping rock to make your three-year-old play by yourself? How about scream singing to make yourself think

you aren't screaming? You're singing really, really loud. Join us every week for more helpful tips on creative parenting. And remember, you don't have to park your toddler in front of the TV to be one bad mother. Subscribe for free on iTunes or go to maximalfun.org. Do you guys want a yahoo?

Please. This yahoo is sent by Wayne Rowan. Thank you, Wayne. It's by yahoo answers user Sophie who asks, Do horses have any emotions that humans don't have? I am actually doing a horse behavior presentation for an equine class I'm in. But I was wondering if horses had exactly the same emotions

that we humans do. Humans is in parentheses as if, like, you didn't fucking know. As we humans do. I went on a website that told me the types of behavior that horses have, buckle your asses in. Can I make one quick point before you tell me the behavior that things that horses have? I want to see if you get something valuable from this

before your presentation. I definitely, definitely can't wait to see this line on the bibliography. I cannot wait to see how you cite the information you receive from yahoo answers. Acceptance. That's fair. If you're professionally being ridden.

Right. Well, it's not ideal, but I don't have a political problem, so. I love oats and apples, so what can I do? Affection. Sure. Sure. This is my favorite.

Anger one and anger two. Anger one is like a quiet, reserved anger, and anger two is like an explosion of biting. Yeah. It's just spurs. That's the only thing that the, if they see spurs, like, ah, no. I am angry one.

Breaking out the dose today. Hey, annoyance. It doesn't. Apathy. I accepted too much. Oats, I guess. Another ride. Yeah, sure.

Perfect. Whatever. Jumps, tricks. It's all the same. Beautifully sorry for nature. Like an earthbound dragon. Sure, why not? Anxiety.

What if I run out of oats? Could happen. Boredom. Well, what? Okay. I can't blame them too much for that. Right. It's like they can't even watch Game of Thrones.

Like what? Like they don't get HBO. Turn the TV towards the window, please. Right. Towards the window. And I got a big, I got a big day today. I'm either going to stand in grass or run in a loop. I can't wait to see what fate has in store.

Um, well, I mean, that's okay. Tane horses. Yes. I can see them falling prey to boredom. Wild horses. Are you fucking kidding me? Boredom for a wild horse? It can't happen.

Wild horses aren't familiar with this emotion because they can just go jump over a brook. They've never jumped over before. I, uh, I have to imagine that for a wild horse, it's mainly about anxiety because they're very fast. And I can see a situation where you're in a conversation deep with another horse friend. And then all of a sudden you look at me and you think,

hey, uh, Rodrigo, did you have you seen any grass for a while? And then already was like, oh my God, you're right. There's no grass. And they're in the middle of a parking lot. They're in a parking lot. Oh, great. This is going to be on the news.

Was no one paying attention? Who, who is following who? I'm feeling annoyance right now, which could be upgraded to anger one. If something doesn't change. If you keep running your fucking mouth, Rodrigo, it's going to get upgraded to anger too. And you don't want to see that.

So maybe just relax when we figure this out. Compassion. It's got a fat, it's got a fat rider. It's too bad. Did you see Lucy? It's too bad. Did you see Lucy? Lucy's got a fat rider.

I know. Uh, poor thing. If you are a being that is main, this is mainly bred to be ridden and you can still work up compassion for anything else, like God bless you. That is, that is a beautiful, beautiful reserve of good will.

Well, they feel bad for the burrows. Sure. Sure they do. For the burrows. Yeah. No, roll the Rs. Because it's not authentic if you don't. Thank you.

I don't know what animal you're talking about if you don't roll the Rs. Contentment. Very few horses, I imagine, feel this. Or definitely feel. Or, or appreciates the fact that he has reached the physical fucking apex of possibly any creature on the planet.

He, he, he, he, he, it's just anxiety, right? And you got to, and even if you win the Kentucky Derby, it's like, well, am I going to get the triple crown? That's what everybody starts asking. That's a lot of pressure. Am I going to be able to fucking keep up this perfect body until the preakness? They're going to shower me in oats after this fucking thing.

What if I can't perform my stud duties? Right. Oh man. I bet orb. That's rough. I bet orb fucks like a cylinder. Like a stallion. There's a, there's a whole saying

where someone says they're hung like a you. Yeah. That's, that's a lot of pressure. Curiosity. Delphal. Based on what? Why is that Delphal? Like, what are they curious about?

They have everything they need. And I wonder what driving a car is like. Right. If they are curious about it, I refuse to, if they're curious about anything, like they're not, they're certainly not acting on it because they seem to be kind of in a rut as a species. Yeah.

Nobody's ever said curiosity killed the horse because a horse will see, a horse will see like a fucking helicopter could land next to a horse and a horse would be like, that's not an apple. Is that an apple? You check for, you check for a stem. Nope, no stem. No thanks.

Come back when you're hay. Fear. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, daily. If there's a bull, if there's a bull snake around, those things are terrified. Loneliness, not if I have anything to say about it.

Physical suffering. Yes. Sure. Yeah. Really. Yeah, absolutely. They are, they are, their entire being is suspended in a state of constant suffering.

So yes. They're, think about how sad, when horses get the spurs and then they run faster, they're trying to run away from a danger that is, that is like physically attached to them. Right. That's the saddest thing in the world. Which most humans have, but do horses have any emotions that humans don't have or that humans can't relate to?

Thanks. Prance. Pro-ladder? Yes. What? Prancing. Prancing is right. Yeah.

I've never felt prancing. I don't think that's beyond human, it's beyond you, yes, just because of like your physique, no offense. Wouldn't you think though that if the horses did have an emotion that we don't have in humankind, then we probably don't have a human word for it, right? Right. It's sort of like, it's kind of like the, the flavor umami. Sure.

It is, it's, it's an indescribable thing. It's like, if there were any new colors that we didn't know, we would, we would know about it, you know what I mean? Are there any suggestions from Yahoo! Answerers as to some emotions that horses might feel that we might not be able to detect? Yahoo! answers user Ms. Equine responded and said, all that you listed. What? Wait, hold on.

I don't know if they're saying that her list was comprehensive or that Ms. Equine is incapable of feeling acceptance, affection, anger, one, anger, two, annoyance, apathy, anxiety, boredom, compassion, consent, and curiosity, fear, loneliness, and physical suffering. First I've heard of it. What is this stuff? Compassion. Go on. Oh, Ms. Equine.

Yahoo! answers user Zackeet says, I do not believe they have compassion. I've seen some horses do some cold ass shit. Horses are bad, dudes. If anything happens to another horse, the horse is unlikely to help out. He might just continue to graze or to watch with mild interest. What do you want the horse to do? Hey, hey, hey, hey, fucking cut it out, man. What are you doing?

It says compassion. That doesn't necessarily mean that they're going to do anything about it. They could just feel real bad about it and be like, but what am I going to do? I don't have thumbs. Just got these thumbs. If you have a hoof-related debacle for me to fix, maybe. Am I supposed to pull a rock out of your shoe? What am I supposed to do?

I'm a horse. I'll give you some hay. No, I need it. Yahoo! answers user Black Cat Magic says, I think it's foolish to think that we know exactly what horses feel. Maybe they do feel all the things that we do, but have different ways of showing it that we can't begin to understand. Maybe they don't show certain emotions at all,

but that doesn't mean they aren't feeling. Until horses learn to talk, we'll never know, smiley face. Until. Yeah, I like the conditional. Until. The conditional in that statement is wonderful. Until. For now.

Much like man used to stare into the skies and wonder. By 2017, think how foolish this question could be. God. Horse biz girl says, Horses don't feel guilty about things. Humans feel regret. Horses don't. Horses lost the big race.

Oh, well, oats trampled that kid. Oh, I have a question. If horses don't feel bad about anything in their past, why are they running? That's true. It's about it. Are they running to something? No, they're running away.

I want to know if a horse can feel shame. What would a horse have? Plenty of opportunities. But no, right? What could a horse possibly be ashamed of? Like, hey, you just pooped in the middle of the street. I guess. You're dragging a cart for a living.

You're majestic. What are you doing? I know I'm ashamed. There's an emotion that I've never felt that I bet horses could feel. Like, there might be some based on their understanding of the world. Like, there might be a feeling of, can someone please learn how to cook oats? There has to be a way to cook oats.

I would never have that emotion. And that's why I don't have an English way of translating it. But that feeling is kind of a present part of their day. They think you're saying that they are constantly disappointed in oats. Right. They think oats because we keep giving them, but they can't express a preference for one or the other. Maybe they're saying they're like,

can I please just have like a hamburger or something? Right. See you doing it. Is there, do you think horses feel disappointment in us? In humanity? Yeah. I should hope so. I mean, we've not been great custodians of their time.

In fact, I think they're kind of getting the shitty end of this deal. The deal we struck up between us and them. We looked at horses gallivanting across the plains of the American West and thought, I'm going to sit on that. Hey, do that for me now. I can break that. I'm going to sit on that forever. You can do it.

I'll tell you, even after I develop an automobile, which is by all means much more efficient and less cool, I'm still going to keep horses and sit on them. There may be an emotion for knowing that you're the first horse that ever let someone sit on them, and now your children's children, children's children, children's children are going to have a human being strapped to their back. The first horse that got caught.

What is that feeling like you have to carry? I don't have a word for that. Well, let's just try this out. Let's just try this out for a bit and see if we both like it. Surely human beings will recognize how inefficient this is. Right. Surely they'll invent cars. Don't you have to think there was a horse very near to the Ford plant

and the first Model T comes out and they're like, whoo. All right, guys, great news. I just saw the most wondrous sight. We're going to be free now. We're going to be A-OK. I hope they make these cars big enough for us horses to drive. And even if not, at least we'll be able to run free again. I hope they give us a big area that's just for us,

a whole state just for horses, as a nice way of saying we're sorry for sitting on you for eternity. Oh, guys, I can't feel anger, too. I just don't. I don't. Let me sit up. Let me sit on you and sit on everyone you've ever met. I wish I could do it.

See if you can't work it up. Yeah. Coming this summer, this sequel to everyone's favorite emotion. I have an office job and a new employee was recently hired on. He seems like a nice, normal guy, except for this one thing. He keeps winking at everybody all the time. Oh, man. In almost every conversation he has, usually when he's making a joke

or saying something that could be considered amusing, he winks. It's making me and my other coworkers a bit uncomfortable. What should we do about this wacky winker? Do you know what would make this already hilarious situation even funnier? I can't stop thinking about it. It's giving me a Google Fit. What if every time this dude winked,

his eyeball made like an audible squishing sound? Like just like that every time you wink. Do you know what I'm talking about? Let me just throw up in their mouth. Sorry, everybody. Sorry. This person is the most confident person that has ever lived. This person is a beautiful, soaring eagle,

and I don't want you to do anything to change him. I do not know that I have ever, unironically, winked at someone ever. When was the last time you winked at anybody? Sometimes I'll do it as a joke and actually say the word wink when I do it. But I've never been like, I'm going to convey a secret message or confidence via a closing of my eyeball.

Right. You've never hatched a plan in an impromptu nature, unspokenly. Now, I'll lay my finger to the side of my nose and kind of do like a flick kind of thing. Right, but then you think people are asking you to do cocaine. That does explain a lot, actually. If you think about it, a wink is pretty much the boldest gesture you can give.

It's really like setting a wild animal free. You have so little control over how that is perceived by people. I don't think I've ever, if I have winked at someone, I don't think I've ever done it without worrying like, did they think that was sexual? Did they think that I was lying? Did they think that I was having a seizure? Could you do it?

Okay, this is completely off topic, but do you think that you could wink in like a threatening way? Or like just in like a wink that conveys nothing? Just like a neutral wink? I think if I'm in the ring, if I'm in the boxing ring, I'm a professional boxer, I'm about to go up against Mayweather. If I'm going up against the Santa Maria and the Pinta,

if I'm about to fucking lay into some dude with punches, and right before I get to him in the ring, he winks at me, I'm done. TKO right there. Like I don't know what the fuck. Yeah, I think you can get in an opponent's head in that manner, in a manner that could be described as threatening. You have to partner, I think,

I think if you were in the ring with somebody right before the punching was to commence, you looked at them and said, hey, I'm not going to punch you. Wink? Because then it's like, does he mean it? What does that mean? Should I not punch him?

Is this an agreement? I was expecting him to punch me, so I don't know why he would be letting on that the punching was going to commence. Are we just going to use our words? And you would have thought that far before. It's like, haymaker on the mat, one, two, three, four, I'm going to skip him

because you're clearly done, Tim. What would you do if you paid big money to get front row seats for a boxing match in Vegas? And then you got there, and then within seconds, you realize that they've just turned it into forensics. They're just getting up there, and they're going to do monologues. With the wink heard around the world.

Right. This, I have never received a wink from a stranger and not felt it. Like physically, it pushed me back a little bit. How would you define the physical conduct that you felt from the wink? Like a smack in the face or like a poke? It takes my breath away every time.

Wow. Just because the power move over the wall? It's just startling, because both of their eyes were open. You know what I mean? And they didn't blink. I would have been fine if both of them had gone down, but I just saw one of them.

And they're going to be off sync for the rest of the day. You're going to have to be individually winking. Also, do they want to see my genital? Like, what does it mean? What are they trying to get across? What are they trying to tell me? That is what throws people about wings, I think. Because you...

Can we take back the wink so that it's not seen as a seductive measure as much as it is like a high five? Hey, we're all in this together. You know? If someone says we're all in this together and then they winky, do they mean that you're not?

Oh, okay. Is it a subterfuge, like double back thing? I always think a wink means you're lying. Like, that to me is what that... Like, oh, we'll see if we can do this. That only works if you're facing some kind of international terrorist and he's got a gun on you and you look at your partner and go,

I guess, you know, we have to give up wink. I don't think it works if you're like, you did a really good job on this project. Right, but then the terrorists will be like, is this guy trying to bone down? I'm trying to think back to the times that I've been winked at and in retrospect, I'm pretty sure I've never been winked at

and I haven't made a face like I just smelled rotten yogurt. It's... I think it would be like, oh, okay. Fine, wink at me, I guess. If a grandpa does it to me, then it reads as like a symbol of familiarity. Maybe even feigned familiarity, but I don't read it like this grandpa's

trying to get in my jorts, you know? You're saying it's grandpa safe. It's grandpa safe, grandpa's can do it. If the person who has been hired on is winking and is also a grandpa, then everything I just said is okay. Ooh, okay, what if this, what if it's... Or a grandma. What if it's used as a means to convey approval

that you don't want to say out loud? Like you're talking to someone at a party and your friend from across the room doesn't want to do like a thumbs up because that's too much. But you're saying like, oh, you guys seem to really be hitting it off. You can convey that with a wink, right?

Where you're like, it's nice. If I'm at a party and someone from across the room winks at me, I'm going to assume they put a bomb in there. I'm going to assume there's a bomb in the building. But if it's like your best bud, if it's like your best bud and kind of does like a half-nod like wink, like you're doing it. If it's a good party, Davey, and then he winks at me,

I'm like, oh, God, you're in killer mode here, aren't you? Fuck, listen to the party. You will reflexively just mouth back to him upstairs. Upstairs? Upstairs, is there a bomb upstairs? Why are you doing this to me? Can I, what if every time he winked at you, you winked right back?

Twice. Twice. Let him know what it's like. Because I think this guy maybe doesn't have a worldview where people have winked at him a lot. So if you wink at this guy, then he's going to feel those. Let him know how weird it is. Also, only do this to this person in the restroom.

That'll really break him in this habit. Hey, hey. Nice penis. Boink. Boink. Is it appropriate to leave a small party? Six people. When someone puts on gongam style,

and everyone asks everyone to start dancing. That's from unsure in Oklahoma. Oh, this is the shittiest. Oops, you're in the shittiest party. I would actually argue that six people does not constitute a small party. Well, it's not a party until gongam style comes on, and then uh-oh, it is.

It is a small party in the Dungeons and Dragons sense, but not in the typical social sense. Here's, okay, the verbiage in this question that really throws me off. You said, if you had asked, is it appropriate to leave a small party when someone puts on gongam style, and everyone starts dancing?

Yeah, if you leave that, if you leave that, then you're a stick in the mud. Uh-huh. But if you, when someone puts on gongam style, and asks everyone- Attention, please! Attention, please! We're gonna all rise to our feet.

I'm going to teach everyone the dance. I learned it from YouTube. Move your legs from side to side as if you were straddling an invisible pony. Dance, you beautiful bastards. This, we are golden gods. There, the fun thing about this question is that this person has already lived this scenario,

and one of two things happened. Either they feel bad because someone said, everyone start dancing to gongam style, and they said, I'm leaving. And then they walked out the door and never looked back. Or they did do it, and they dance, and they're wondering, was there another way? Was there an alternate option?

Now, I think it was the former, and I think the next day, the host of the party, this psychopath who dictates when the dancing occurs, she came up to them and was like, hey, what the fuck, man? Like, we were having a great time last night. That was inappropriate, Dave. You left, and then there were only five people,

and that definitely doesn't count as a party anymore. You ruined my birthday. Oh, what if the host of the party was Psy? Oh, that is ego maniacal. And he put on his own song and said, please, it's all I have. I don't think there's an organism on earth that is more sick of that song than Dr. Psy.

I have to assume. Nobody likes his ballads, you know what I mean? Nobody likes his tender lovemaking stuff. Everybody just wants to know. People try to get into gentlemen, but they're not feeling it. Yeah, people listen to gentlemen out of fucking courtesy, you know what I mean?

But the hook, the hook. We owe him this one. Yeah, he's given us so much, and we, in turn, have also given him quite a bit. But the hook on that one does not bring me back. It's sort of like how people continue to listen to If It Makes You Happy by Cheryl Crowe, because they really appreciated all I want to do so much.

And it was like, they did all they could do for all I want to do. They bought the single, they bought the album, and then when that next album came out with If It Makes You Happy, they thought, well, you know what, I still owe her. I'm still in debt to her for all the fun that first song brought me.

Right. Yeah, it's exactly like that. There's so many similarities between Si and Cheryl Crowe that I feel like a lot of people just, like, goes right over there. Have you ever seen them in the same room together? I have not. No, I have not.

Could it be a Phoenix rebirth? You think Cheryl could Cheryl Crowe fucking die? No, I'm saying that Cheryl Crowe met with, like, her advisors, and she said, I need a new persona. She went to Phoenix Online University, took some classes and explained Korean. She took a minor in hammer dancing.

Did you guys see that mashup? Oh, that went down good. When the two of them performed that together, that's when I knew it wasn't Cheryl Crowe because she's the notorious racist. A lot of people don't know. All I want to do is have fun with white people. You probably wouldn't know

that she's not a terrific racist by looking at the crowds at her shows. You would assume that this is just a place where non-white people are not allowed. But that does explain all the Cheryl Crowe laws. Fuck, I've got some history into it. Gorg Travis. Oh, man.

Travis, hey, Travis, Travis. I'm proud of the reference you just made. Thank you, Griffin. That's an emotional where it's just never experienced. I'm proud of your Cheryl Crowe joke. That's one they don't know. Hey, listen, thank you so much for spending an hour with us,

my brother, my brother, me. We really hoped you had as much fun as we pretended to have listening to the show. Thank you to people tweeting about it. Cambo Soup tweeted Sexabunga. It's Pride weekend in SF. What did we fucking say? What did we explicitly say?

We explicitly said, don't type that out. Don't ever put it in text. But he's on blast and he knows it. So I'm sure he feels terrible. Michael Harrison, thank you. Vincent Peria, maybe. Mason Church, Claire. Large Demon, Brianna Cole, Kat, Josh Renner.

Trevor Wattman, Paul Peacock. Eric Eden's Justin Blankship. Thank you so much. Everybody tweeting about the show. Hey, maybe tweet out a sampler of our show. It's bit.ly4 slash mbmbam2013. I want to thank John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song instead of Parture

off the album Putting the Days to Bed. Did you buy that yet, folks? Hey, let me just really quick. Can I look at your bank statement and see if there's a telltale iTunes receipt on there? Thank you, John Roderick. Also, Juice, mention the appeal box. You haven't mentioned that in a while.

Oh, yeah. We have a mailbox where you can send us physical objects of your affection. Please don't send any more weird things. We got another weird envelope that just had six unrelated items in it, and it really skeezes me out. So please don't do that.

And don't now do it as a joke about that. Like, I won't enjoy it. We have expressly said that's our least favorite thing. But if you want to send us wedding invitations, go for it. Yeah. Those are always sweet. P.O. Box 54, Huntington, West Virginia 25706. We got one from Morocco.

It's in the Sahara. From Bill, Bill Andrews. Just, he's in Marrakesh, Morocco. Awesome. Oh, I had no idea what you were talking about. And you said Morocco. Nobody shortens that to that. I'm just telling you what it says.

Why wouldn't you say Morocco? I'm in the co. He's in the, and it's real because there's, like, weird stamps I don't recognize. So thank you to Bill. That's a really cool postcard to get. And I'll put it, I've been looking at it and brings me great joy.

Thank you, Bill. Also, everyone should check out our other MaxFun podcast. We're growing every, it seems like every day. And most recently, we've added a new podcast called Sawbones, featuring our own Justin McRoy and Sydney McRoy, his wonderful wife. The latest episode is about Mercury. It's really great.

Check it out. And thank you so much for listening. We got one more question from Griffin, and he's going to drop it on us, and then we'll come back and revisit it next week and give you this secret answer that we've been cooking on. So that joke has got to stop, because people are going to start expecting.

No one's noticed yet. If you buy our iPhone app, you too could hear this secret answer. Don't buy the iPhone app. It's called the MBNBA MAP Experience. Don't buy it. It's great. Don't buy it.

Don't buy it. We won't say it out loud, but you can find it hidden if you look hard enough. I'm not going to send you your portion of the money, if you keep saying these things. Oh, good. The three and a half dollars that we've made with it. All right.

I'm keeping it for myself, taking myself out to a nice steak dinner. This is not going to be, you can enter the Ponderosa lobby with three dollars and 50 cents. This finally is sent in by Ravi Patel. Thank you, Ravi. It's by Yahoo Answers user Tiff24 who asks,

how would you describe the difference in Tia and Tamara's personalities? I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips.

Baby girls, do you want to say that I want to?