My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 159: Home Alone Castle Doctrine

Episode Date: July 9, 2013

We always ask that you share each new episode with a friend, but maybe don't do that for this one if your friend works for the government. Let's just say we've got a very special, very ... manhunted guest. Suggested talking points: Shnowden, Screening, Reverse Jodie Foster, Hair Sister, Plosives, Worst Christmas Ever, Bank Humpers, Craigyonce, Big Percy's

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello and welcome to my brother, my brother and me. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. Just jumped right into it, huh? I'm just getting right to it. I'm very excited. I'm your baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Hello, I'm Edward Snowden.

So many, so many problems. I want to think. I want to think my brother, my brother and me for granting me a shalom. I have looked long and hard, and finally I found a new place to make a home. Not a lot of people know this, but Edward Snowden is the ghost of a Victorian-era man-stick girl. No, I am a hacker. I possess many secrets. Is this, now can I ask, is this actually you talking to us, or is this some sort of artificial intelligence subroutine that you have programmed to make comedy jokes? I have not finished my relocation. This is my shalom hologram. I will be joining you soon in a

shalom. Can you tell us where your physical presence, your body, your form, your ectoplasm, where is it at right now? Absolutely not. I cannot grant you that. I do appreciate the podcast a shalom, but I unfortunately cannot divulge the specific denies that I am hiding under a table. Note that it is a denies. I am under a table. There's room for my secrets, and me at the Grand Slam. Now are you- So there's room for your secrets? No, my secrets. Are you Uncle Sam, you've been naughty. Can you even get like the kind of high bandwidth internet access that you need to project a shnoden hologram for- I have, I have Ishanat, yes, it's plugged in from the table. It's complimentary with every Grand Slam.

They also have given me a bib. I have never been offered either of those things at a denies. Well, you've never revealed Uncle Sam's secrets, have you? Oh yeah, they are not big fans of prism at denies, because they have, they got some shit that they don't, you can't work at denies unless you've got some shit in the closet. They are all, denies is run by libertarian, like really hardcore libertarians. Sure. They want all the secrets out, and shnoden has them all. That was, I believe it was Dennis Cromwell, who, who, the founder of denies, who just hated, Uncle Sam's watching over him, watching over his secret, his very gold-

National. That is how he, that's how he earned the title Dennis the Annoyance. And we feel like they really missed an opportunity there, but they're pretty set in stone on that name. I want to thank you gentlemen again. You want to thank us? Jesus Christ, no. I'm sorry, I do not mean, I meant, of course, to thank you. Do you have a lisp or an aphasia? Because you keep, you keep dropping on things that aren't s's. I'd love to tell you that, but unfortunately, it's one of my secrets. Once I'm there, I'll give them all a little vogue.

Okay. Well, thank you. I can't wait to, I wish Justin was, if I'll be honest, Edward, I wish Justin was here and not, not you, just because. Well, that's fine. Listen, he's here at the denies with me under a table. I'll pass him the microphone. How big is this table that can fit? And stare at him. It's one of my secrets. Okay. And I'll stare at him as he records the comedy.

That's going to be very, very distracting. This is my home. I feel I should become acclimated with your ways. Yeah. Okay. Well, again, thanks for joining us. I hope that this doesn't get us in any more legal hot water. Of course. It's been my pleasure. Okay. Hey, guys. Hey, Justin.

Hi, Justin. Hey, hey, can, can, can Snowden hear you right now? Can he hear us? He's literally two inches from my face. Can he hear me or do you have headphones on? Let's, I do have headphones and he is just that close. Let's just, I need you to, I need you to ditch him. No, don't ditch him. Here's a, he's got a pretty huge bounty on his head.

And we could really, really, really use the money. Yeah. I'm not gambling that. But guys, we, we granted him asylum. Right. But the thing is that we're not a fucking country. So like we can't actually do that. We can't actually. He just walked into the door and yelled sanctuary. Right.

And that's not the same thing. Well, it isn't a denny's, but, but we, I have, I have no allegiance to this fool. Cause I, I love prism. I love it so much. I want to know what everybody's doing all the time. Exactly. I should introduce myself by the way. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. We've helped Edward Snowden and I think now we should help someone else.

It's only fair. Anyone ever get him confused with the vampire guy from the Twilight movies? Only constantly. I hate talking on the phone. I can barely understand people and I don't like having to stop whatever I'm doing to have a conversation. So I've developed a policy. I don't answer the phone unless someone calls it multiple times. So it's probably an emergency.

Or if they text me beforehand to ask if I'm free to talk. If they leave a message, I will usually respond via email if texted possible. My question is there a way to explain this policy in my voicemail message? What are you talking about? I'd like people to know I'm not answering, but I don't want to sound like a jerk. And that's from phone phobic. Oh, um, there's an intrinsic problem there though. Yeah.

I'd say this and with all the love in my heart, you are kind of. You're kind of being a jerk a little bit like. I wish there was a loophole too. Because I despise talking on the phone immensely. I don't care who's calling. I don't care what the context is. I despise talking on the phone always constantly. I'm starting to get the feeling that that's like 80% of the population of the earth.

Like I'm sure there are people that love just chatting away for hours, but I don't know any of them. And so my there, you might know them as women. Oh, come on. What's up? I have actually, I've reversed my position because I used to be on that side, but now like the inefficiency of SMS like drives me up a fucking wall. Because it's like, what should I bring to the potluck?

Wait 10 minutes. I don't know, whatever a grain and then send it back like literally 30 seconds later. Like, can you be more specific about what kind of grain you want me to bring? And then you have to wait 10 more minutes and then it's like couscous. And it's like, I don't think is couscous even a grain and then you have to wait 10 minutes and like get me on the phone and I'll knock out this couscous discuss like super fast super quickly. I think the problem here at question asker is that there is no way to frame this without it sounding like you're screening.

Because no, you are definitely because and that's why you're afraid of sounding like a jerk because it is is a jerk. You move that you're saying like, if it is important enough, then I will deem to speak to you. Otherwise, I will respond in written communication. So it's not to waste my time. This is just like anything else. Like, yeah, you can build these walls, but don't expect it to not have a detrimental effect on your relationships. I mean, it yeah, absolutely.

Like, but I understand the impulse, but these kinds of human interactions are sort of the toll you pay. They're the building blocks of relationships. That was the most sociopathic thing I think you've ever said. Sorry, I mean, this is human talking to other humans is the toll you pay to live. Like what? No, I get what you're saying because this is what leads people to like when it's like, hey, let's all hang out tonight.

Oh, give Tommy a call. Oh, no, Tommy never wants to do anything because you don't answer the phone and like talk to people. Like this is how you start to like surgically cut yourself out of people's lives. And it's it's not really cool. It's a slippery slip. That's all. I mean, I yeah, you can cut this off and then people just stop calling and then it's like hermit.

And you're full. Also, there's no way that you can make your voicemail message something that explanatory and still keep it like fresh and poppy and fun. You know what I mean? It's Dave. Thanks for calling me. I didn't answer because I probably don't like you. No, but it's like how can you leave like a your catchphrase like a joking catchphrase

on your like socket to me or like answering on the flip flop. Hey, hey, Meryl Streep. Leave it at the beep and then wait and then leave it at the beat. I want to just I wish there was a technological way for me to have my voicemail just be like answering machine messages from the 80s. There should be a great website for that where you can just import those because some of those were great. We had a tape of them of all these classic great bits.

I think there was a guy pretending to be Barney Fife. I'd love to get that as a voicemail. Shit. We should just cancel the podcast and just release those over. Just release those as our podcast. You know that the West Virginia just instituted a law. Travis, I should have warned you. Oh, I guess you didn't come through West Virginia, so you're fine.

West Virginia just instituted a law on July 1st that you can't talk on the phone while you're driving. It's actually a primary offense. You can get pulled over for that. So maybe you could always pretend like you're you were driving or you could always be driving. Well, then you're going to start thinking like you're a truck driver. Maybe you are. Maybe that's your escape.

You know, no, I can't hang out with you tonight. I'm shipping a haul of Nyquil through northeastern Oklahoma. I'm deep in a convoy right now. I can't break out of here. I'm fucking and fucking and listen, I'm on a mountain of meth and I'm not going to come down for 18 to 19 hours. So I can't waste that high on going to go see Iron Man 3 with you. You could just start answering the phone saying ask, ask or grasp.

Nobody rides for free. And then people will be like, I can't give you any of those things over the phone. I guess I can pay Pal you, but then I can't ask or grasp you that way. I can't send you asked through PayPal. Sadly, how about it? Technology? Hey, hey, Griffin, do you have any Yahoo? Yeah.

Just as soon as I think of a fun name for what PayPal would be called for high needs. OK, let's just take a second and let's see what we can come up with. PayPal with benefits. That's pretty good. Yeah, there you go. This Yahoo answer. Thank you, by the way, everybody who sent in Yahoo answers. This Yahoo answer was sent in by Julie Kinn.

Thank you, Julie. It's by Yahoo Answers user. Jamie. Jesus. Ricky Jimiola. Jamie Lois. Jamalus. Shameless.

Jamalus who asks, how to cheaply catch a thief cheaply? Need some clever ideas about how to catch someone stealing from a walk and cupboard. Only person going in there for this would be the thief, but pretty sure traps are illegal. Need something cheap as we're poor. Thanks. Hold on.

OK, wait. Hold on. I don't understand the parameters of this question. Are you telling me you have a cupboard that exists solely to be burgled? Is that what you're telling me? You have a laundry cupboard, but no one walks in except the thief. It seems like the best trap then would be to watch and see who walks in. I think this person is saying this cupboard has been so thoroughly burgled

that they are willing to change it into a fucking reverse panic room. That is just burglable. If you think about it, this room is just full of chalices. If you think about it, prisons are all reverse panic rooms because it just puts the danger inside and then everything else is safe. That is what this person is talking about. They're pulling a reverse Jodie Foster, which is also my favorite sexual position. I feel like we played enough Sega CD FMV games that we should be able to answer this question.

I think there needs to be a lever on the wall that you pull and the floor drops out. What? Sega CD FMV games are you talking about other than Night Trap? He's talking about Double Switch also. Wasn't there one called Maniac Mansion 2? Maniac Mansion is something completely different. That was an adventure game, but anyway. Anyway, lots of great references.

So keep your Sega CD in there and then you know it's missing. The only person you're going to catch in that fucking honeypot is Justin McRoy. Oops, Daisy. Where is this cupboard, by the way? The imaginary cupboard I invented. Got to get over there. This person is probably right in that traps. They are illegal, right?

You watch home alone and everyone has a good time and a good laugh. They get hit with a paint bucket. They get electrocuted with an amount of voltage that would kill a fucking elephant. And we all have a good time and we all have a good laugh. But that shit that that little kid pulls is wicked illegal, right? I mean, the thing about, hold on. You think the sticky bandits are going to take him to court and be like... I'm saying the sticky bandits?

Serious trauma? I think the sticky bandits would have a fucking great case against that kid. Yeah, absolutely. They set his head on fire. Now here's the thing about it though. But they were going to kill him. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, it depends on what you're talking about.

If you're talking about home alone one, I think that the people versus Kevin McAllister is going to be very weak. Because Kevin is... Justin, I hate that interrupt, but I think you mean the wet bandits versus Kevin McAllister. Because I don't think the people of the city have banded together to support... No, no, no. They're going to be a criminal trial first and then...

Take it to the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals. Yeah. So anyway, in home alone one, people versus Kevin McAllister is going to be very weak because Kevin McAllister was defending his home and absolutely the impetus, I think, is on him to defend that in any way he sees fit. He could have killed them. Oh, you're saying this, there's a... Chicago, as we all know, the castle doctrine is very much in play in Illinois.

Yeah, absolutely. He has unlimited power, unlimited lethal power. Problematically though, in home alone two, your case, if you're Kevin McAllister, is going to get very weak. Because you have, sadistically, I would say, lured these men into your trap of hurting. And just to defend a toy store pretty much, he could have called Lamp up in that hotel, had Tim Curry bringing him waffles. Now, it's been a while since I saw the movie, but isn't his final trap house,

isn't that like his uncle's house, or it's a relative's house of some sort, right? And that's how he's... It's his uncle's house. That's what's fucked up, is that it's his uncle's house, like they're rebuilding it, they're remodeling it. So if those fucking guys hadn't come that night, there would have been a score of contractors who would have like perished at this little kid's hands. Right.

There is almost certainly more trap, like there's no way he hit them all. Those contractors going in the next morning like, why is this, why is this knob sticky electricity? I wish that whole, the whole second movie was just spit with Daniel Stern and Joe Pashie screaming. What are the odds? Yeah. How could this happen again? Twice?

Twice? Really? Is anything... We went to like the biggest city in America. Are you also... And you are in the same 10 year old. Are you also telling me that like, job one, once you get out of prison for being the wet bandits, job one isn't, listen, we've got to start carrying guns.

We just have to buy a gun and use it on the child. If we see a child and he's got a trap, we just gotta shoot him. Shoot the child. I know it's hard. Many of the traps are automated, I'm sure, but most of them are being deployed by the child on us. And if the child is dead, we have nothing to fear. We don't even have to pursue him anymore.

We just move on. We don't even have to worry about fucking Brenda Fricker launching palm after palm of bird feed at us to attack us with her army of birds. She's like, Taya, fly my children up, bam, bam. Oh, oh no. You know, we give him a lot of credit for being sort of a master strategist, but if your in-game relies on the possibility that an old woman is going to throw seeds at your

assailants, you do not have a strong plan. You know, you've actually just made me realize in both movies, he would be dead if it were not for the creepy old people. For elderly intervention. Yeah. Yeah, no question about it. Oh, wow. You think old people aren't worth anything anymore, but...

How scary is Brenda Fricker in that movie? So scary. Is there anything scarier than her in that movie? I don't understand how she did that movie. Tim Curry in that movie. Tim Curry's not. Yeah. Yeah, he's pretty scary.

You know what's scary? I'll tell you what's scary. Timeline-wise, the wet bandits have been in prison for about 12 months for home invasion and like trying to kill a child. They were put in prison for, let's say, a year. They escaped, don't they? They're escapists. Yeah, they escape.

They escape from prison. They can't escape a 10-year-old child with paint cans on strings, but they've escaped. Well, that was the, they got sent to a prison run by devious, conniving little kids who just, who, it was, it was just an open field with hanging paint cans suspended. It was like, it was like the open prisons of Siberia. It's actually really troubling. The two elderly interventions in Home Alone 1 and 2, I refuse to acknowledge the existence

of 3 and 4. The elderly interventionists in 1 and 2 actually send a really confusing message to America's kids because what it says is, you know what we've been telling you about strangers? That's true, but if they look really creepy and are homeless. That's the thing, yeah. Okay, there's a chance that they might be cool and protect you and will only do so if you interact with them. So maybe by interacting with strangers, you're not putting yourself up for danger.

You're actually making an investment in your future. This is, I think that had they gotten to the, a third movie with Macaulay Culkin, canonical third movie, then the stranger he met would be like covered in blood and like wielding a knife, but turns out he's just a butcher because like in the first one, he's not homeless. He owns a home. He's just a dude that like salts the sidewalk. Yeah, and that's, and everyone's like, oh, he's a murderer.

Yeah, because he's got a shovel and he's old. Kids, great job. Kids are so cruel. And you're 10 years old and some sort of choice is presented to you where you have to choose between Joe Pesci or Brenda Fricker. And one of them is going to murder you and the other one is going to provide you, is going to, is going to provide you sanctuary. And you have to make this choice between Pesci or Fricker.

One of these is going to murder. Which one, which one would you obviously be Fricker? She, she would eat you. Yeah. No question about it. Now, how sweet would it be though, Travis? You know what you're suggesting about the old, the crazy old person turning out to be genuinely crazy?

How sweet would it have been for Home Alone 3 if the threat turns out to be so real that Macaulay Culkin has to team up with, what would they be at that, the, the, the slippery bandits, the moist bandits, the tactile bandits, the tacky bandits. The scratchy bandits. The goopy bandits, whatever they are. He has to team up with them to defeat this larger threat. Like I would watch the hell out of that movie. Are you kidding me?

And then they turn on each other, match. I think they have guns this time. I think Home Alone 3 is actually technically the last 45 minutes of Skyfall. Let's move on. How do I gently bring up the issue of my sister leaving her hair in brushes? We're a family that has a bunch of hair brushes and no one claims particular ownership over any brush. It's a communist hairbrush society.

Yeah, me and my sister, I'm a guy by the way. We both use the same too, but every other day I see a big old mess of red hair on the brush and I have to take it out myself. I don't want to piss off my sister and otherwise Urquhart as I think out and say, hey, don't be so gross and clean up. Would, would piss her off. Would piss her off. That's from hair horror in Her Majesty's of England.

Boy, it's a shame that Christmas has already passed because if only there was some way for you to secure your own private hair brush. But this question is, it sounds like they have ample brushes for everybody to have their own brush. This person doesn't need another brush. They need a fucking $6 labeling machine that they buy at Walgreens. Especially when you have two brushes shared between two people to v-up the brushes. This is not like a Solomon-esque like split the brush in half.

Everybody gets half a brush. Oh, I got that handle in. I can't do anything with this. Unless I want to curl it, I guess. But this isn't a known issue though. I would say that like, so my wife will take a hair brush that I have and it's like put it somewhere, I don't know, wherever she dries her hair, which could be in different rooms. I don't know where she's going to do her hair.

And then I have to go find my brush and then I'll buy a new brush and think, well, this one will be Justin's private brush. And then no matter what, it somehow slips into the cogs of that machine and it becomes her brush again. And it's a vicious cycle. I don't know why she likes to appropriate my brushes. What you have to do is you have to put your brush in a special drawer and then in front of that drawer spread out some micro machines and some Christmas ornaments.

That would just make her want it all the more so. Yeah. Also, we would be creating a Home Alone Forever scenario because Sydney would leave Justin. Home Aloneist. Oh, here's a solution question asker. And it's going to be gross at first, but stick with me. Collect the hair and then give her a sweater knit out of her own hair. And that'll teach her.

Teach her that you're a psychopath. You could make a new sister out of that hair, a politer sister. This is my new politer. This is my new politer sister. Watch what she does and then you move her hair hand onto the brush. Although I do think that it is going to be really hard for you to make a case for you finding your sister's hair gross when you spend literally every waking hour sculpting it into a new human.

Creating a hair golem. I think you run a real risk of Stockholm syndrome setting in with that hair. Where you become obsessed with it and everybody hates you. Just this is the dumbest. Just buy a new fucking brush and put a new brush and keep it secret. What if she catches you though? Like what the fuck? What is that?

Is this? I thought we were cool. That brush looks so dope. I'm going to put my hair in it. God damn it. Then you just got to let it go and buy another brush and then eventually your parents are like what is up with all these brushes? Oh and then you say oh I can't use any other brush.

This brush is prescription. Can you invent a prescription brush that you need for your dandruff? Can you just have psoriasis and say it's contagious? What about lice? Are you saying fake lice or catch lice? Well now I'm presented the option. I'm going to go with fake. Go down to your local kindergarten.

Rub your head on every head in the building. Hey. And then you'll have a private brush that can't go within 300 yards if it is. Because you'll be in prison. Hey, pubes. Pube suggestion. All right, go for it. That's all I did.

That's as far as I thought. That's the whole. All right, that's the whole suggestion. But I'm just saying if you don't go through. Oh don't use that brush. Yeah. That's it. That one's for pubes.

That one's for pubes. That's my downtown brush. I call that brush sculpting. Because it helps me sculpt them. Into a perfect you. But I mean the letter you. I'm not making a pubes sister. Pube sister.

Nope. No, no, no, no. That's not a song. That's not a song. Don't cry. Go. How about a Yahoo answer? She goes.

How about a Yahoo? OK. Or you think by singing it, you can counteract my singing of the Pube sister theme song jingle. Yes. This is it's my only hope. This Yahoo is sent in by Andy Hill. Thank you, Andy. It's about Yahoo answers user John.

It's going to get gross. Here it goes. Yeah. John asks. Detailed. How to kiss, please. I don't know. Some girls like making out with me.

And some say I use too much teeth. Help me out here, guys. How should you kiss? It shouldn't use your teeth. Teeth is a bad. Well, sometimes you get, you know. If it's, if it's get all of the annunciators. I would say that teeth are the least important in the equation.

And lips and tip of the tongue are probably much. Yeah. I don't think he's worried about hitting his hard consonants while he's mouth mouth deep. Help with my plosives. Guys, I actually just got a letter from my lawyer. He says that it would be too actually too weird for me to continue to participate in this particular conversation. I actually just got a letter from my copyright lawyer who said that if I give away my

secrets, I will be infringing on my patents. Okay, let's, but then let's go off the record here. Let me turn the chair around and that officially means we're off the record. And none of this. Okay, just to be clear. Any, any kissing secrets they give away here cannot be used professionally. Do not tweet them. Do not quote us in your local periodicals.

But we are about to drop some science on you. Girls love it when you just run your teeth into their teeth. If there's not a loud click. I did that. I did that a lot in high school and the girls would be like, Oh, what the fuck? And I'd be like, what's wrong? Don't you know?

That's how it's good. That's what's good. That's good. No, the girls. Girls also like it when you sword fight with your tongues. When you really get in there like Greppo Roman Russell with that shit. If you make a mistake and you seem to set them off right, set them off wrong rather, you need to pretend that it's the way they do it

in whatever the next level of education for you is. So if you're in middle school and your teeth click and they hate that, you say, well, that's listen. This is this is what they do at the adult learning annex. This is how they do it in my doctorate program. So I don't know. You just need to maybe get a little more mature. If you do make a mistake, though, the best way to do it is to just lean in real close

to their ear and just go. Uh oh, Cheerios. Yeah, that's going to really ignite that. I think it's really going to set this situation ablaze. The trick is to be thorough. Like just get your get your get your whole mouth in their mouth and just like sort of scout around like a surgeon fish. My number one kissing rule is kiss every tooth.

Kiss every tooth one by one. Let me see that. We got a little more. And then and if that starts to get stale, just start going around the face. You know, go for the eyes, you know, the nose, no holds barred. Use your nose. Yeah. Pretend like ask a mo kisses, butterfly kisses.

Especially but it's like this is girls fucking love butterfly. The oppression of Eskimo and butterfly kisses. There's they're so highly regimented and they don't need to be because they're saying like nose on nose is Eskimo eyelash on cheek. Can we say in you it kisses? Yeah, sorry. Then then you don't have to follow those rules. Put your fucking eyelash on their tongue and like just give them some of that for a bit.

Put your nose. Put your nose in their ear. Yeah. Just act like you're a puppy looking for some stray pizza sauce. After pizza night. After pizza. After pizza Thursdays. Don't don't explore their mouth after pizza Thursdays though.

No. And you know what else girls love? Women and gentlemen enjoy that before you do anything you ask. And I mean constantly. Is it okay if I kiss your eyeball? May I kiss your nose? Do you kiss him? I'm going to look behind your ear for pizza sauce.

Yeah. Or just if you're doing the mouth too. Just just give him like a pfft. Can I kiss your mouth? Can I kiss your mouth? Can I kiss your mouth again? I really like it. And keep growing in intensity every time you ask.

Can I kiss your mouth? How about that mouth? Can I kiss your mouth? Can I please? Can I ask? Give me a mouth! How are we going to alert our listeners that it is now safe to walk across the room and pick up the headphones that they have surely by now cast from this.

I've got like at least three more minutes to finish this. Somewhere there's some dude with a notepad going ask before you do any of this. This is good. This is not pizza Thursdays. Okay. This is all good. Okay, butterfly kiss. He is in breach of contract if he's doing that.

So I have very little pity. It is all about feedback. Because you're worried about what you're doing. They're worried about what they're doing. So give them like when you get a kiss from them say something like just like mommy and daddy do it. To just like let them know that they are doing like a perfect job just like mommy and daddy do it. This is how I've seen it done in movies. Can we upside down it like Spiderman?

Can you give me one Spiderman? All right. I want to genuinely help people with the only genuinely helpful portion of our program. Farm wisdom. Farm wisdom. Farm wisdom. Get a pitchwork in your hand. Farm wisdom.

Like the sharpies or the handle. I'm holding it. Okay. Okay. Travis hit me. This first one is very special. And it comes from Elizabeth Gilbert. Just because she's a celeb.

It's special. It's more special than our our normal listeners. Elizabeth Gilbert has had two notable works. The first of course being eat pray love. The second being the fact that if a goat eats poison ivy and you drink the goat's milk, you get poison ivy immunity that she wrote into our show Farm Wisdom. Thank you Elizabeth Gilbert. The only question I have about this.

Yes. Yeah. And I'm going to have to do some research. Is if it is you have poison ivy immunity for the rest of your life, or if you have it for a very brief amount of time, like you have it for like an hour. And for that hour you need to like. Just go hog wild and just really. Yeah.

Just tip fate. Like rub your balls all over some poison ivy. Like not today poison ivy. This is going to be a good afternoon. I wonder if if you give the goat regular poison. Can you like get like Rasputin? Or is it whatever the goat eat? Like so what if the goat eats paper plates?

Do you get paper plate immunity? If it goat eats pizza, you can't taste pizza after you drink its milk. The fate worse than death. If the goat eats a bullet. Oh shit. Think about it. If the goat eats a passport, you get diplomatic immunity. We got another one sent in to us from CENTA.

She says chickens are very stupid. And I wish that was the whole thing, but when it comes time to gather eggs, you can replace the eggs with golf balls and they won't notice anything has changed. Also horses run around real fucking crazy right before thunder. They just told. All right, CENTA thank you, but you just told us two things we probably could assess doubt on our own. Like yeah, chickens are super dumb.

Also horses like to like to roll and run around and frolic and shit. Horses do that. No, but horses do that in the case that there's a nature photographer there. Because they want to capture like an inspirational pic of a white people. Did he get it? Did he get it? It was blinking. I had all three of my feet on the ground.

Let me try one more time. Also, which fucking farmer Indiana Jones is like, hold on. Let me just do this perfect swap. Got him. Now I haven't perturbed. That's my question is probably because chickens are sitting there thinking, God, farmers are stupid. Yeah.

They could just take the egg. Just take it. It's like, it's my ovum. I make one every day. Just take it. It's uncomfortable. How much money are you spending on golf balls? Do you have like a permanent one in one out?

Like if you have like a hearty country breakfast, that's like, I don't know. That's like three cases of tidal mints right there. The only bad thing is if you want to go golf, then you have to go buy a dozen eggs because you need your balls back. So you're going to have to swap in some eggs for the golf balls that you left there. And then that's a vicious cycle. That would be a much better test of how smart chickens are if you just swapped an egg for

a different egg and just see if the chicken goes like, hey, egg, come over here. Does this look different to you? I swear I didn't look like that when I laid it. That snake comes out of it. Panty hose come out of it. Let's go. This message is for Alex Solak. Griffin, who's the message from?

It's from John Solak. You guys know if you reverse the word Solak, it says koalas. That's not true at all. It's pretty close, though. Edward, what's the message? Happy birthday to my favorite and only brother, Alex. He likes science fiction, maximum fun, postulating about our inevitable techno-organic future, being sociable friends, the internet in general, and spending.

He turned me on to boom, boom, boom. And I am eternally grateful. Have a great 26th birthday. Thank you. We are just going to have to refund this guy's money because none of that was intelligible. That all made perfect sense to me. And who better to speak on our inevitable techno-organic future than Edward Snowden? That's what he's trying to prevent.

Are you talking about robot plants? You mean robot plants? Something like that. I think he's talking about when we are just melted down to sludge and then that sludge is like the synapse fuel that all of our world's wars will take place just in a digital recreation of mankind. That sounds about right. Have you read much, Ellison Travis?

You like to fuck? Tired of doing it the whole way? That you used to do it? Well, there's new ways. New ways you haven't even conceived of yet. And you're wildest dream. It's like, oh my shit, I just had the best idea for a remake. Home alone, but with all extreme restraints products.

I would watch that, so like he opens the door and a bucket of lube. Tell you what, a bucket of lube, water-based lube falls on you, your day is over. He's walking across the ground barefoot on studded butt plugs, or just sitting outside on the front step or two flesh lights. And then the rest of the movies is Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern just jerking it so right. They get so distracted by all their jerking it that they don't even go in. Oh, I thought about Daniel Stern jerking it. No.

Why did it happen? Just as a distraction technique. Young McCauley Colgate never appeared without a giant dildo attached to the front of his pants. And what do you say that? Can you imagine if they're like, let's get, whoa, hot you watching. Oh, God's we good to you, honk it. That's quite a, oops, shotgun to the face. Well, not a shotgun.

Hey, what's called a shotgun? He's a giant prosthetic dildo that he bought at extremestraints.com, your adult super store. And he has a shotgun that he bought, I guess, in another store, not extremestraints.com. Oh, you can do something with the spurs. They have medical instruments. They have a Wharton Bergwheel with a sheath that you, it's like a, it's like a spur. It's like a wheel spur that you can run across your partner's skin to excite them and titillate them. And that's from King Industries, so you know its quality.

And the great thing about extremestraints.com is that if you use our coupon code, sexabunga, then you can actually save 20% on your sex stuff. So if you've got to defend your home, you're going to need those savings. That's 20% more traps you can afford. Right. And what, you don't know how many traps they're going to be able to make it through. Maybe that extra 20% is, is what finally kills them. Oh, my God.

How, how, how much different would that movie have been if the mom comes home at the end and there's just two dead men. Just dead bodies. Two dead man bodies just sitting there and fucking her, her son. She's like, what, what happened? I don't, I think he's got a huge dildo dick. I don't want to hug you now. Take that off and then we can talk about Christmas hugs. I was in a van with John Candy for 14 hours and I come home to two corpses and a sun dildo.

Worst Christmas ever. Thank you. Thank you, Kevin. Thank you, Kevin. Thank you, Kevin, for this righteous present. I thought I was bad before. This is worse. This is, this is, I, I was picturing in my head the worst possible thing that could have been waiting for me when I got home.

This is worse than you, dad. This is worse than you. Kevin, I gotta say it. This is worse than finding you dead. I would rather have found you dead and all of our TVs burgled. Like so many psychosities. Fucking, home alone too. They get to, they get to their destination without him.

She's like, fuck it. Nope. He is staying behind this time. Where's he at? I don't give a shit. That kid's a, that kid's a monster. I'm still thinking about Daniel Stern jerking off. I gotta, I gotta fuck it.

We need a palette cleanser. You gotta cleanse your palette. Give me something. Give me another mental image. Joe Pesci jerking it. That's way, it's the same. I am at, this is, this is weird. This is zero sum game switching those two out.

Fred Savage jerking it. No, I don't want any, I don't want anything like that. Fred Savage not jerking it. Okay. He really wanted to get in closer. But he's at like a funeral or something. You guys, it's getting late. Don't you guys need to get home?

I have to. Boy, I gotta clean up from this party. Hey, this is Erin and Brian from Throwing Shade and we would love to throw some shade on you this summer. Every Tuesday we inject all sorts of news stories concerning ladies and gays with silliness and sexiness. Just in time for Bikini season. Check us out on Max Fun under Throwing Shade.

Okay, they're not stupid. No, I know, but yeah, they could be. Well, why would you spell it out like that? Well, because I was the spelling bee champion of the world. I'm throwing my husband a surprise party a few weeks from now. He's turning 30 and he's not thrilled about it. So I want to make it awesome for him. There's one dilemma I'm running into.

How do I get him out of the house while the guests arrive and get things? Treasure hot. Next question. My girlfriend of 2.5 years has recently really gotten into video games. That's awesome because I've been a gamer all my life. The only problem is she doesn't have anyone to play with except me and my friends. She plays with us occasionally. But there are times when I just want to hang out with the guys in a game

or the game we're playing is too difficult for her. She isn't a fan of single player games. So how does she find other girls or guys to play with? None of her friends are into games. And I'm stumped as how she can find some gamer friends. That's from gamer hunting in Illinois. Hey dog, I'm going to go out on a limb here and make a guess. Yeah.

The reason she has gotten into games is because she likes playing games with you. I mean, that's a possibility. I mean, I mean, that's not to say that she doesn't enjoy them. It's like, it's something that you guys are sharing together. So she has fostered an interest in it. I mean, that's why I learned to read because my wife's always doing that. And I thought, well.

That's why you learn surgery. Right. So we can have some common ground. I think it's pretty kind of kind of a little bit shitty for you to say like, listen, I've got to find some other people to pawn you off on. Because my friends and I, we're going to ratchet the difficulty up to insanity. And I just don't think you're going to be able to get the headshots. You're going to need to hang.

I'm I'm willing to bet. It's like, for example, Teresa likes playing board games and, you know, nerdy table game stuff. But like there are times when I get invited over to go somewhere and we're going to play a game that I know she won't like, you know, something like that. Where I just go, hey, I think it's just going to be a toots night. And as long as that's not like the norm is that as long as that's like once in a while, that's not bad.

You guys are missing the best answer. And that is you got to you got to put her through an intense training regimen of getting fucking tight at games because like like montage style. Well, no, I mean, it's going to take a lot of work. It's not going to be like something you can fast forward through. It's going to like when Rachel and I started dating, her Katie spread was it was abysmal at her headshot percentage. It was like in the negatives.

Her accurate accuracy. It was it was embarrassing to me. She's in the other room. So I don't want to be too loud, but it was embarrassing to me how inaccurate your gunfire was. So I put her through. I put her through the through the ropes. You know, I imparted some of my master wisdom. Now her Katie spread.

Is still not great, but it's better than it was before she can hang is what I'm saying. I had to I had to break plan. I had to berate her like only a super racist homophobic 13 year old can to just sort of prepare her because it's it's partially a mental game. It's partially about Katie spread, but it's partially just about not giving up and believing in yourself. And it's hard to do that when you're being berated. And those are you know what they might seem like a waste of time, but those are life lessons

you can impart anywhere. Right. Anytime you're getting yelled at by a homophobic 13 year old. Right. Like the bank. We need to stop employing homophobic 13 year olds of the bank, by the way. It's killing our economy. You want some hundreds fruit loop?

No problem. Pussy. Let me just oh, sorry. Just real quick. I need you to put your account number on the deposit slip and I fucked your mom. Oops. Oops. What?

Whoa. You call that a deposit slip? Noob. Noob. You don't know your account number? Lamer. That actually is pretty close to how it is. Yeah, it's actually me at my bank.

It's not that far from reality. I have been going to the same bank for a decade and a half now. And I've never made a deposit where I haven't just written my social security number on there. I'm looking up because I do not know my account number and it has not changed every for three presidential administration. Every other time I go to deposit a check, I forget to endorse it. And then they fucking come out of the little booth and they yell L2P in my face and they

hump me. Some banks, you have to pay extra for that. But not a BB&T. Not a BB&T because it stands for balls, butts, and taints all over it. All over you. All over you. That was the original name of the bank. They shortened it.

It was too long. Too long to fit on the check. My lady and I are going to get a dog soon. While looking for the right hound, we've discussed several different dog names. If we get a female dog, she wants to name it Beyonce. Being a white couple. Can you give me that one more time? I'm sorry.

One more time. She wants to name it Beyonce. Okay. I feel like that might come off as races. Even though my dog is a big Beyonce. Even though my girlfriend is a big Beyonce. My dogs are. You haven't even adopted a dog yet.

And you just said we can't adopt a dog that doesn't like Halo. Halo. We got to check its cred. I think it might send the wrong message. Is this a valid concern? What's the rule for naming animals after celebrates? Uh, initial celebrities. Okay.

What is the rule for naming animals after celebrities? Additional details. The dog we're most likely to get soon is a female black. Changes everything. Yep. That I was with you until then. That's from dog Ghana in Minneapolis. Oh, I think that the to answer the easiest question first,

the rule about naming dogs after celebrities is it's okay as long as it's not like dumb. I it's tough, but like I would never name a dog. No, I was going to say French Stewart, but I would. I wouldn't do that. I would name a dog French Stewart. But that's I would name a dog Robin Williams. He would name the dog French Stewart in Beverly Hills, Chihuahua, too.

And it would be ironic because there's no way that dogs at Chihuahua. I'm trying to think if there's any celebrities I wouldn't name a dog after. Wolf Blitzer. No, I would. Cam, it's right there. Wolf Blitzer? Absolutely. I don't think I think I think here's the problem.

The fact that we're all sitting here thinking about it makes me think that if you invited some friend over, if you invited five friends over to your house and you said this is our new black dog named Beyonce, maybe four, four out of five of them would be like, oh, that's racist. I think I think 20% of your friends would think it's not racist, or at least they would think you think about it. You know, you think it's there.

Like we live in a post. Four would think it was and one would abstain. We live in a we live in a post-racial society. The Supreme Court recently decided. So like I do guess it's not that big a deal, but there would be a specter of the thought looming over that dog that would overshadow all of its dog accomplishments. The problem you have is that you no longer have plausible deniability.

You're thinking about now the possibility of it being misconstrued as kind of racist. And even if you yourself are not a racist, I don't know if you are. You didn't clarify. You've already thought it. So now you can't do it. But what if they had gotten like a golden a golden lab?

And and named it like Craig T. Nelson. Which is the Beyonce of white people. He's so multi-toward. He is. He acts. He sings. He looks almost dead all the time. Coaches.

He does everything. I think I think the fact that you're thinking about it means probably steer. He would there be dragons. Yeah. He should. Could you name the dog Sasha fierce. That's fucking great.

That's a good name for a dog. I guess. Do you guys want you guys want Yahoo? Yeah. Sure. This Yahoo answer was sent in by Max Genikov. Thanks Max. It's by Yahoo Answers user Andy Russ13333.

Who asks. What is a creative name for a large barbecue sandwich with the works and then some? I have a new idea for a huge barbecue sandwich at my restaurant. It will consist of a one quarter pound of barbecue, a couple strips of rib meat, covered with salt, pickles, cheese, and baked beans. It is a very big sandwich and very sloppy as well.

Feel free to be creative and thanks for your help in advance. Here I was going to not be creative and just say barbecue sandwich. But now that you've got a big sandwich. Now that you fucking let me loose. Unleash the hounds as it were. Of creativity. Call it a fat Sammy. Fat Sammy is not great.

What about a bean boy? A sloppy bean boy. A sloppy bean boy. How about you call it? A big fat sloppy bean boy. How about you call it the menu item nobody will ever order because nobody wants to eat beans on a sandwich. Somebody does.

Now you're going to get people writing it and talking about much of the beans on sandwiches. Call it the bathroom fast track. The whole day because if you eat a sandwich like that, that is your whole day. Our our later regret sandwich. What about what about sorry so sloppy? Griffin.

Yeah. Grant my wish. Yeah. Tell me the people on Yahoo answers have responded to this question as well. Sure. Sure, of course. I'm ready. The feast.

I would call it this because it sound like getting your whole meal and just one sandwich. That's good. Makes sense. That's good. The chain. I was wondering. That is the dream in case anyone was wondering.

The chainsaw. Just sounds like a manly hefty filling sandwich. All right, chainsaw. Listen to how much over fucking reaching goes on this next Yahoo answer answer for Michael Angelo. The overload sandwich series. I'm sorry. The overload sandwich series.

You can make a couple of sandwiches like this one and have a promotional limited time only kind of thing there at your restaurant. Can be a great marketing plan also. Hey, dude. Hey, dude. This guy didn't just hire you as their fucking social media manager. He asked for your help for one sandwich on Yahoo answers. Now you've committed it.

How is he going to top the bean boy besides of course that's Lobby Bean Boy. Hey, have you considered making an entire bean boy franchise? Just a thought. Thanks, Yahoo. Hey, have you considered expanding beyond the Mississippi? Like just name my sandwich. Have you thought about getting into the steel industry? Just a thought.

Just a thought. Plastics. I don't know. That's all I can think of right now. Michael Angelo, you thought of a lot. You have nothing to apologize for. You've created a whole expansion plan. Yahoo answers is a joke or says your mama and then there's five asterisks.

So I guess bitch. This is the your mama bitch. I'm sorry. Why would anyone order that sandwich? No one would ever say that. I'm just going to. I want your mama bitch. I'm just okay.

I'm going to go down the line just like quick fire. Bubba Q on a bun. Sure. The summit. Listen, we got to work this out. Let's let's have a summit. Together. The G8.

The Belushi. The scale tipper. Oh, it's a sin, but I love it sandwich. That one feed me mama sandwich. Oh, no. I don't need no side order sandwich. Oh, God, because they're all on your bun. Make it more of a sentence.

Hey, sir, I do not need any side orders. Thank you for asking, though. But could I see a dessert menu sandwich? Big Mo or Big Jack or your name? Big Percy. That sounds like an appellation context. You're going to eat yourself a big Percy. Those are those are the highlights.

I think I think you got a lot to go on in there. Yeah, depending on if you want to name your restaurant or close it in a week. Is there bread in the sandwich? You didn't list it. It's like a cup your hand. KFC Originals Bowl. It's just just a fucking sloppy. All right, we got to stop recording because now I'm starving.

Yeah, I got to go down to Big Percy's and get a sloppy papa. That doesn't sound healthy. Oh, how about the name of it's the messy secret? I know a thing or two about that. We call this we call this sandwich the sloppy Snowden. Delicious. Thank you so much. That's also a new way that you can do kissing is if you buy a sloppy Snowden

and you put it in between your mouth and kiss through it. I that's the only way to keep the devil out. I want to thank people tweeting about our program. My brother, my brother made using the MB, MB, AM, hashtag Lydia Lenore is a new listener. She just got on board. Hello to Steph Kingston, Andrew Tennyson, our buddy Alan Black, Tyler Matheson, Chrissy Matthew Byrd, Brian Dorfman, Ellen Bailey, Nick Fracker, Mason Church, Abigail McCauley. Thank you so much to everyone tweeting about the show.

When you tweet about MB, MB, AM, why not throw in a link to our sampler? It's bit.ly forward slash MB, MB, AM 2013. Hey, speaking, speaking of tweeting, I got dropped on the Twitter this week on July 4th, to be exact, the MB, MB, AM, mixtape volume. Oh, shit. It's available now. It's available from True Tempo, T-R-U-T-E-M-P-O,

and done by Worship the Sky, formerly Rocky Horror. Check it out. It is so good. You can, if you want to find it, go to twitter.com forward slash worship the sky, or worship this guy.com, and you'll be able to find the link there. It's very. You can also go to truetempo.com. It is, it is very fresh.

There's a whole twerking segment in it that like, I was listening to it in the shower and I just like, I couldn't control. I was shaving my face and I had to, I was like, had to start twerking while I was shaving and I got cut pretty badly. I look like seal now. I want to thank John Rodgerick in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song, It's a Departure, which is on the album, Putting the Days to Bed. It's an oldie but a goodie.

That's what I would, if I was like a radio DJ and I was putting this, he put in a song on, I'd be like, here comes an oldie but a goodie. And then I would put the song on and play it and I would get calls from people saying that is, it is both old and good. Is there anything else we need to say Travis? I don't think, did we mention the coupon code SEXABONGA for extreme restraint? Yeah, we did. It saves you 20% SEXABONGA.

SEXABONGA SEXABONGA SEXABONGA. And if you would like, if you would like a spot on the Jumbotron, if you would like a, let's say a personal spot to wish someone happy birthday or to apologize for something you did to them in the past or something you're going to do to them in the future or if it is a business opportunity, some kind of investment you would like people to make, just go to maximumfund.org forward slash jumpotron and that's all you need to do and just go through there and they'll set you right up and then you too can be on the show. We should also probably mention the next week is going to be a bi-week.

We try to, we try to avoid missing shows, but I'm going to be out of town for like eight days and Travis is going to be, it's tech week for Travis, which if you're in the theater community, you know that is a lot of work, I guess. And if you're not in the theater community, I'll be fighting robots. Yeah. Every, every time before a show opens, robots come and try to destroy it because robots hate live theater. Because if there's one thing robots hate, it's live theater.

Right. So, so every, there's, there's one night where everybody has to stand, hold vigil and fight off the robot robot onslaught. People die, there's a lot of deaths. But it's worth it. But it is worth it. And also on a, on a much different note, there's some MaxFun, so you're putting together a MaxFun meetup in Philadelphia on July 20th, Saturday, July 20th, and they say around 4 p.m. It's going to be at Cafe Folia, F-U-L-Y-A.

We'll bully them into posting something on the forums and putting all the information there. But I want to make sure any of our Philadelphia and Philadelphia area listeners or any MaxFun listeners who want to hang out, just go, go hang out with some cool kids. One more thing, go listen to all the other MaxFun shows. You have, there's, there's a, a, a, Cornucopia, a free comedy broadcasting, olemaxfunphonem.org, you got Jordan Jesse Goh, Judge John Hodgeman, throwing shades, stop podcasting yourself.

Risk, uh, Lamp Bam Pow, One Bad Mother. There's, there's Bullseye. There's tons of shit. That's it. Nothing that no others can think of. No, I think that's it. Because like the only cast. Oh, there's one called Bonesaw.

Yeah, Bonesaw is ready. It's called Saw Bones. It has me and my wife and it's about medical history. It's funny. You should listen to it. Um, it hasn't been around that long yet. So they're like, you may want to give it a little bit of time for them to like find their groove or just like shelter it safely to your bosom.

Keep it safe. Keep it secret. Like a bait. Like a, don't tell, don't tell any of your friends about it. Like a baby bird. Like this is, this is your chance to get it on something on the ground floor and then keep it on the ground floor. So it's indie.

Mm hmm. Thank you. Say, I was into Saw Bones before anyone else was. Sorry, say it one more time. I was into Saw Bones before anyone else was. You fucked it up the first time. Just, just was making a joke because you fucked it up. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast Griffin.

You have a final question for us. This finally Yahoo is sent in by Nicholas Guren. Thank you Nick. It's by Yahoo Answers user Sebastian who asks, What parts of the body can be shown in a medium core porno movie? How Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy.

This is my brother, my brother and me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. You think like one nut. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.