My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 160: The Ballad of Dunkleman

Episode Date: July 22, 2013

We return, refreshed from a week of mixed drinks and dolphin kisses. This episode benefits from that refreshment, as we spend no small amount of time talking about dolphin kisses, which are probably the best kisses imaginable. Suggested talking points: Dolphin Heavenmobile, Tats, Eye Viscera Brothers, Yakov Smirnoff's Jerk-Off Haus, Sharknado IP Theft, Wallet Chain, 5'10" Hops, Vices

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome to my brother, my brother, meet and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your minimalist brother, Travis McElroy. Why? Why? Why are you doing this? It's how I commune. It's how I commune with my dolphin brethren. I'm Griffin McElroy and the baby brother. Justin, why are you communing with dolphins?

You know how there's a type of people in the world who have a chance encounter with a dolphin, and then that's like their whole lives. Usually they're an art teacher. I did not know until I had a chance encounter with a dolphin that I'm one of those people, and now I'm all about that endless ring of light, you know? Like an echo to the dolphin? Is that what a blow hole is? I guess it's a novel. Maybe you should maybe you should go to a library. I think an echo to the dolphin, doesn't he swim through endless rings of light? There are light rings, guys, dolphins. I don't know, I don't, they're just big, slippery, perfectly

designed piles of muscle, just design it and sinew, and they're so glorious. And I got to touch one and kiss one when I was in Mexico. Way for me the majesty of a dolphin versus like a beautiful horse. I think we've said before that dolphins are just the horses of the sea, despite the fact that there are things already called sea horses out there. You think they would get the title, but no. Griffin, may I ask you an important question? How good a kisser was the dolphin? Really great. This is a fun story. My, the trainer who is like leading me on, it was called Dolphin Discovery, and it was the most inexpensive of the dolphin packages. Welcome to Dave's Discount Dolphins. It was so fucked up.

Half of them were manatees. We don't pay that close attention. The travel agent that booked this excursion for us, because when you say to all inclusive resorts that you have excursions, because you have to find reasons to get away from the comfort of it all, the paralytic comfort. And he was like, there's three packages, there's Discovery, and then there was like two others more expensive called like Extreme Zone and the Royal. Extreme Zone, I don't like the sound of that. That sounds like. It was so fucked up, because in those more expensive ones, he basically said like, in Mexico, they let you do more stuff with the dolphin. He gets like third base. He said you can do more stuff with the dolphins,

because they have quote unquote, because they have tequila. And when he said that the world became a little bit less of a special place for me. But I kissed the dolphin and the trainer, as I was like going up like right left, just fucking lay one on his name is Pakal. As I was getting ready to lay one on him, she goes griefing, have you ever kissed a boy before? And I was like, hey, why did you just put me on blast in front of my fiance and this like huge family? Griefing, have you had a gay experience before? Let's all talk about it. And then I had to like stand there and be like, I hesitated for a few seconds like thinking like, have I ever kissed a dude before? I lied. I said no, I didn't want Pakal to feel less special. If you tried to pull

something with the dolphin, would they try to charge you more? Like, hey, you didn't get the royal package. No touching. Well, no, I mean, I'm not talking, they don't let you fuck the dolphin. I'm not talking about dolphin prostitution, but they do place your little like safety tank right next to their extreme zone tank, where no shit they would have you lay in your on your belly in the water. And then two dolphins would come up and press and swim against each of your feet propelling you into the air. And I was like, fuck, I was like 30 extra bucks. It would have been totally worth it. I got to just kiss him. How much do you have to pay to kill them with your bare hands? If you want to kill one dolphin, that's the double royal package. And then there's the triple

royal, which is where you kill a dolphin while another dolphin watches. How much do you have to pay for the dolphin to end your life because you're suffering? How much for a dolphin Asia, Griefing? That's what I'm asking you right now. I just need a dolphin angel of mercy. I don't think you can get that through the travel agent. I think you have to book that on the side and I think you can really only get it after you've established a certain level of trust with the dolphin and its trainer. If you're just some random gringo who's strolled down for the weekend, they're not going to let a dolphin kill you. Right. They don't know what you have. Can we not say kill? Can we say release from this mortal burden? Yeah. And if a dolphin kills you consensually, then your spirit

is released into the dolphin, the dolphin life stream. That's actually the only way new dolphins are made. It's a really weird life cycle for dolphins. How do you, how much do you have to pay? It's kind of, it's basically like the Highlander. How much do you have to pay to kill a dolphin as it kills you and you get to ride it into heaven? How jealous will everyone in heaven be? I'm Saint Peter. I've been up here forever. I've seen it all. Whoa. Holy shit. That dolphin's wearing sunglasses. Yeah, I put them on him while we were in the stratosphere. I killed some sunglasses too. I killed these sweet, these sweet Tommy Bahama jams so they could come with me up to heaven. And I killed a case of corona, so I could bring that also. As you've almost certainly guessed

by this point, this is an advice show for the modern era. Let's get into it and let's help some folks out. I'm 18 and I want to get a tattoo. Problem is my parents don't want me to get one. Normally, this wouldn't be a big issue for me, but I don't know if my wanting a tattoo comes from the fact that I actually want one or because I just want to do something to rebellious my parents. What can I do to sort out my confusion? That's from thanks. That's from tattoo snafude in Toronto. That's still rare for people to realize that they're, that they're rebelling, that they're doing something other than- It's a remarkable amount of insight. Call me crazy, but I almost feel like because you're having the insight, it means that you're not just doing it because your parents

want to do it. They don't want you to do it because it's like if you think about it and you say, wait, am I just doing this because my parents don't want me to do it? And like by recognizing that that might be a factor and then still wanting to do it, it almost seems to cancel it out. Chav, you have more tattoos than Justin and I put together. How many of them were done out of rebelliousness? Only one, but it was rebelling against myself. I showed me. You really lost your religion with that. Which one are we talking about? It's the Loch Ness monster. That one was just a big fuck you to myself. I feel like- That one's on you forever. Yeah, no, I know. I'm really feeling it. You know, it was a huge punishment for something. Did you, did we talk about how you're

going to Scotland and how you're going to try- Oh, and how I'm going to fucking ride the Nessie Hunter boat and do the Sonoran shit? No, I think Justin's saying how you're assuming like going to remove your shirt at some point and someone's going to look at you and say in a Scottish accent, I'm not going to try to do this fucking guy. Well, that is why I don't plan on undressing in Scotland. Ever. Yes. The, I think the tattoos are pretty personal. The only reason you should want to get one is if you really, really, really want to get one. I mean, really, really, because they are going to be there. And I'm going to say an obvious thing, but it still needs to be stated. When you get a tattoo, not only is it always going to be there, it is going to say something about you

all the time. You know, like I have a pineapple tattoo on my wrist and like every time somebody sees it, they instantly go, Oh, a pineapple. And it's like, Oh yeah, no, now I have to like engage with you on this and tell you all about the tattoo on my wrist. It's like you're basically, it's like getting advertisement on your body that says like, Hey, ask me about this. Yeah. And if you're going to, if you're going to do that, then you may as well get actual advertising. See if you see it, if you can commoditize yourself in for like maybe, maybe like right over your left breast for like MGD 64. Sure. Something where you're going to get payment out of it. Or free lunches sometimes like restaurants will have like, you can eat free lunch here forever if you get our

logo tattooed on your. It says pins oil across your butt cheeks. And it makes it look like your butt hole is the Oh, Oh, free rail changes from life. I guess maybe you could get a tattoo that looks like a birthmark that signifies you as the last in line of some kind of royal family line. And then you could become like the king of Denmark. You're asking for the King Ralph now. Yes. I think it's actually kind of weird how little how infrequently I think about the fact that I have a tattoo. I have a fairly prominent tattoo on my left arm. And unless I like really think about when I actually notice and remember it's there, it's actually kind of weird because I have forgotten about it to that extent. Like that's how little consideration I give it day to day. And the one

in the back of my leg forget about it. Oh, I got the one on my shoulder blade. And every time I see it, I took an out of body experience where I'm like, who shoulder is that? Who did that? I think there's a ratio between I think everybody forgets about their tattoos. So the more like shocking if you dig it pins oil but whole tattoo, I think that the disconnects between like you're never thinking about it. And the first time somebody's seeing it would be like world shattering. Like somebody's like, it says pins oil on your butthole. And you're like, Oh, that's right. No. How could this be? Oh, God, it's like, it's like clean slate. The movie clean slate or maybe memento. That's basically the same thing. Basically the same movie. So I hope that helped.

Use one of those older self apps that you can download and it lets you take a picture yourself. And it turns like your face old. Do you know, do you know the apps I'm speaking of? I don't think they're going to get the Mike Tyson their first time out. I think they'll probably get like a discreet ankle touch. There you go. But sure of your butt and then age it and picture a pin soil tattoo on there. Right. You can you can actually Travis is right. You can use other parts of your body on those old yourself apps. They don't tell you that my friend Justin Menzger did it on his torso and it made his nipples look like eyes and his belly button look like a mouth is real funny. Okay, so we hope that I'm just saying you can have fun with apps.

You don't have to use apps. You don't have to use apps in the way that they tell you to use apps. You can have fun. They're not just for business. You can have fun with them. Right. Why is no one talking about apps? They're out there. They're fun. You can have some. It's they should say there's an app for that, but something else too. It should be you know, with all the shit that's going on in the news these days, how about a little bit app news? You know what I mean? Just something like, Hey, there's Star Wars Angry Birds. I'm like, Oh, thank you. Thanks. That's CNN. How about this guys? How about what you could call it? What's happening with apps? Why don't I just call it what's happening?

Fuck. Griffin, do you want to answer another question? I feel like we didn't help that last person too much. As opposed to normal. Yeah, you mean all people ever. This yahoo is sending by IRA. Are you IRA? Who wants to know? Thank you, IRA. It's by yahoo answers. She's your question mark who asks, What's the most pain free way to become blood brothers with my roommate and best friend, Adam? Me and my roommate want to become blood brothers, but neither of us want to cut ourselves. What would be the most pain free way for us to cut ourselves? Where would it hurt the least? Should we be afraid of bleeding to death? That's your question mark.

Wait for your period. I don't think his best friend Adam is going to get there. It feels that way sometimes when you're growing up. All the other people are getting low when you think I'm never going to get mine and then your visitor comes. Can we have a brief minstrel aside? Quick minstrel sidebar. I fucked up so bad this week. I was in a meeting with some of the reporters in the site and one of them told me that their brother had adopted a dog, a female dog and that he quickly discovered that the dog was having its period and this horrified me because I had never thought of dogs as being something that could do that.

I thought it was entirely a human invention because I'm six and I don't think my dad ever had to talk with me. I'm sorry, I do not think the scope of the talk extends to dog periods. I think there are super responsible parents out there who say now ladies for several days out of each lunar cycle have periods and not just human ladies but dogs, fucking cats, dolphins, snails. I think if you're a dad though or a mom you're going to find that your knowledge of how far down that path it goes is going to dry out pretty quickly because your kid's next question obviously is going to be what about bees and then you're going to have to look at them down the ante. I don't know if bees get periods. I don't know. Okay, are you happy?

Let me make out the Encyclopedia of Fritannical Periods Edition. Or you could just ask Jeeves and horrify him. Jeeves, what gets periods? Jeeves is like how long do you have? Sit down, get comfy. Get comfortable, crack open a beer. It's going to get weird in here. Here's a cup of hot cocoa I made you because I am for some reason also a butler. Crack a window already. It's going to get live. Does it cast a shadow? If so. It'd be easier to answer what doesn't get periods. Rocks, trees, armchairs, clouds. Rain is just cloud. Nope. This is accurate. This is scientific. I saw that on Bill Nye. I think the most pain-free way, well it's not pain-free but you don't have to put additional unrequired pain. It's just wait till you both accidentally

cut yourselves naturally. Like on a cliff diving or something. Try to use your iPhone. Why won't you pick up? This is going to clot soon. You got to get down here. You can obviously get those necklaces that were like two halves of hearts that look like they have broken in two and said like best friends forever. But the one side just said like BE, FRI, F-O-R, and then half of the E. And then you cut yourself with them. And then you cut you as a sharp. And then you jam it in each other's eyeballs. I don't think you want to trade eye viscera. Well and then you switch them. So you pluck out the eyeballs and you switch the eyeballs and you can see how the other person sees. We're eye viscera brothers. It's a totally weird thing.

We're Marrow bros. Marrow bros. Super Marrow bros. That's good. Why don't you just wait for a nose bleed? And then like sneeze into it. Oh god. Like rub your nose blood into his nose. I'll give each other Ask a Moquistus while having a nose bleed. What about giz pals? Hey everybody can we just like go to the movies and see Pacific Rim and maybe go to Max and Irma's after and not trade bodily fluids to prove our love. Are you guys not blood brothers with anybody? I'm blood brothers with you. That's not. Come on. We're not even blood brothers with each other because we now haven't fucking cut ourselves and slapped each other's palms with it. Our DNA is very similar. You must say D&D. Our D&D is so legit. And it's very similar. You're telling me you have never

looked at this strand of D&D. You have never locked friends. You've never locked eyes with the best buddy forever and been like let's give each other some hemoglobin. I actually feel like I did. I have done that. Who'd you do it with? Alex White. Cut ourselves on this wire that was sticking out of a tennis net. Excellent choice. Rusty as shit. It was sharp as shit and it got the job done and now I feel a kindredness with him. Can you tell when he is in strife? I can tell when he is eating a really good plate of cheese fries. I can tell when he's dying of tetanus and it's all the time because he has it now. Well if he goes and I go it's that fucking dragon heart shit. Justin, who are you blood brothers with? Some of my friends in college did gang burns.

You had the best group of friends in college. Does that count? Some of them still have scarring. If you see my friend Jason, ask to see his arm. Is that just where you light a lighter for a long time and then put that on your flesh? You wait for it to and then I think and I didn't question this that much in college but I think sort of essential to this is that you can't cure properly. Like the better it heals the less cool the gang burn is going to be because you definitely want some scarring going on there. So is that a less painful option than like pricking yourself with a needle? It's less like ghoulish I think. Really? Really dog? And probably funnier. Well later. Because there are people that prick themselves with like diabetic people prick themselves every

day for their tests and shit. Very few people burn themselves. Yeah unless they have like chronic leeches or something. I didn't get one and I actually started thinking about this last week like I kind of I kind of wished that I had because it would be kind of a funny story and it would make me feel like oh there's a real reminder I care around for my college days and I actually the thought crossed my mind and then another thought crossed my mind and I thought it's that ship's probably sailed. I don't think I could get people over to my house to watch me burn my arm with a lighter anymore. I'm 32 goddamn. They have to take care of their kids and they've work in the morning. Right. Can you gang-brain yourself by like 9.30 because I have to get home.

Why don't you if you want like visual reminders of your college age why don't you just get back into frosting your tips. That could work. I didn't have to frost as my tips. Yes you did. I didn't. Yes you did. You would have frosted my tips. There was a hair coloring. You went with I think you went with a what's her face to get it done and there's some leftover stuff and they were like we just put it in your hair and you're like okay and you came home when you fucking had your tips frosted. Oh my god you're right. I forgot that was not frosting my tips. I was getting some highlights in because you're right. I did do home highlights and it went poorly. Does it help you out that when I think of college Justin I think of I think of fucking

Justin McRoy hyphen Timberlake from It's Gonna Be Me. I wish I'd had that kind of so long quality highlighting. It wasn't far off. Thank you. You know it was my first time. Shopping stars. So our next question to ask her got a new job. She's she handles reimbursions for gym memberships which their company gives out but the employees have to turn in their bank statements to prove that they actually got this right and usually they cross out the bank statements but she says one of her coworkers submitted his statement without crossing anything out and I noticed that the monthly charge from the gym it was right below a monthly charge to max fun on each month's statement. The problem is I just started working here

and this is literally the only thing I know about the guy. How do I bring it up and bond with this dude over our awesome taste podcasts without being crazy awkward or seeming like a total creeper. That's from sincerely the new receptionist girl. Oh you can't. I can't. You gotta be creative. Option one go to maxfunstore.com buy my brother my brother. Of course Justin tries to work as much merch into option one as he possibly can. Option one merch. If you want to go a little cheaper if he doesn't respond he probably doesn't listen to our show and he listens to another show on maxfun unlikely as that may be to consider. So you gotta buy shirts from everybody. Oh buy buy a jumbotron message calling him out. I can't. I know you're

fan or submit a question. This guy everybody is like this guy's like wait a minute did I cross out my bank statement? Did I cross out my bank statement? Does she also know about my extremer strains purposes? Oh no. You could start singing theme songs. God knows I tried some awkward shit like that in high school and college. I can't remember anything specific but when you think someone's into something and you're not like a regular human who can just say hey I noticed on your bank statement that I was looking at okay you're right there is no actually cool way to do that. No just there was like a month and a half long period in your life Justin where you were emboldened enough to make that kind of leap to sing a theme song in front of somebody and I think

it pretty much aligned perfectly with when you had frosted tips. They were highlights. That was your power look. I think that maybe you could just lock the information away in your brain bank until maybe like you just randomly get to know this dude and then you can be like oh I noticed I was doing the thing. No like you can't. This is the thing though. It's to look at anything that is not like Big Ted's muscle barn on his on his bank statement is an invasion of his privacy. She can't ever cop to it. Yeah I mean because the thing above that the thing above that part on his statement could be the jerk off tavern. No there's probably a better name for it but like a place where people go. That's the weirdest bar I've ever heard of. Yakov jerk off Russian

masturbation house. It's like one of those places. It's like a Japanese capsule hotel but filled with jerk off capsules. Masturbating in it happening mostly happening there inside the capsules and it's owned by Yakov Smirnoff and it's owned by him. He's really branching out. He is branching out. He's an entrepreneur. He's got a show in Branson that I would trade anything to go see. It's like you want to talk about my bucket list. It's just that. I believe you mean he's had a show in Branson for like 20 plus years. Right and the fact that with every year it becomes more likely that he's going to say well I've done it all but time to wrap up the show. Time to die now. I'm going to walk into the ocean in Branson and then I'll be like you have a dolphin

murder me to put me out of my in my country. Dolphin kills you. How's that low hanging fruit taste Charlie? It's pretty good. It's low hanging. Don't mean it ain't sweet. I know it's a bit mealy but that's okay. I got a yahoo sent in to us by Julie Martin. Thank you Julie Martin. And I've got a conspiracy theory because this this this question was asked three months ago by yahoo answers user men's who asks what would happen if a shark got caught in a whirlpool or hurricane. Wait a minute. Hold on a second. When you get sucked into a whirlpool you can't get out most likely and your drowned sharks don't need oxygen so would anything happen to harm them. Now about the now about that hurricane. Would the hurricane be strong enough to carry the

shark long enough that would fall on the land? Sounds a little suspiciously familiar doesn't it? Yeah that's a little sketchy. I'm not I'm listen we all experience the same moment of magic when we watch a shark native trailer together but not together not like in the same room but like our fucking hearts and minds were connected in a moment of joy. Not because of the quality of the film itself there was terror also but the fact that we live in a world where that that harbor is a beautiful mind capable of dreaming up sharknado and now and now I that fucking perception that magic moment I had is fucking ruined because I think they're just dumpster diving into yahoo answers looking for topics that looking for topics to

make their movies about. Do you think they could put together an entire movie in three months? I think sci-fi can put an entire movie together in three and a half days. I think they have to get I think they have Lorenzo Lamas on container on retainer they have retainer they have to retain a Lorenzo Lamas a retainer in a container that they keep downstairs they go downstairs to say hello Lorenzo he's like food time feed feed and they say no not feed time not feed feed we're doing adult we're doing a movie it's about sharks and tornadoes are you in? yeah this is gonna sound sick we'll give you four walnuts Lorenzo excellent this is gonna sound cynical so I apologize in advance but you know you look at um ancient Rome right and you look at the

fall of ancient Rome and and people say you know you you think about all the that civilization was producing such amazing things if it had continued on you know who knows how how far we could have gotten but I think if you look at America as as sort of an empire that's had a really good run I think we may have gone sort of past like if we were to fall tomorrow and history you know dictated the rise and fall of America considering the fall was like post sharknado I think we've kind of done all that we were maybe constructed to do if you if you will pardon the pun I believe we may have jumped the sharknado as a country just as a whole well first of all nothing can jump a sharknado fucking fucking space shuttles can't escape orbit when there's a sharknado um fair enough

and also if you're saying that sharknado is the peak that things are going to start descending from then you know no no no no obviously did not see mega faults during Brittany Murphy her final no I'm saying we peaked at like in like with like the godfather maybe like that was where we should have gone out on and then after that it was all sharknado and cloud atlas and it's all just been sort of downhill from our cloud atlas and sharknado on the same level of well they're they're based on the same book oh top banks plays nine of the sharks and sharknado and you know what he is brilliant he is electrifying top hanks is in a new movie where he plays Walt Disney and he's all sharks smiling happy Walt Disney and it makes me feel

like i'm a crazy person because are we just all going to pretend he wasn't a huge anti-semite like on the reg professional anti-semite all the time all day every day hating juice like are we going to pretend that that's not the case and just make a movie about him is Disney producing the film yeah because if so that's a fucking master that's a masterful move on their part because even if if tom hanks was an irl if you had if you could attribute all of the terrible things that mel Gibson has ever done to tom hanks people wouldn't give a fuck about it we would be forgiving him like mid-sin because of that half-shubby face of his is so lovable let's uh let's make some money of our own let's not leave it all for tom hanks of Walt Disney

let's uh let's go to money i'm at this guy this weekend a warby parker he's a he's a scientist and his specialty is glasses by foals he's by foals so my buddy warby he says to me justin this is gone far enough glasses should not cost as much as an iphone i'm gonna sell prescription glasses starting at $95 including prescription lenses forget about it and i'm like warby you've lost your mind because question justin what is warby short for warbleton so warby says to me no that i know what you're thinking it's a crazy idea selling glasses on the internet because uh you know you don't get to try them on he's like so here's my plan i'm gonna uh send people five pairs of glasses right and they only

wanted one i know i why is he burying why is he burying his audience it's really forceful with his with his product you're gonna send him back four of them and then you keep all smashed smashed to bits smashed a bit i hate these and this one and this one i hate them all what did warbleton call this this program he's not very clever he called it the home try on program he needs some help there but he uh but it is a pretty good idea and he's he uh does non prescription polarized sunglasses from 95 bucks and prescription polarized sunglasses uh from $150 and get this this is the sort of the cherry on top for every pair of glasses he sells he's very generous he's going to distribute a pair of glasses to someone in need this guy warby is making a fucking rain

by focals i know everybody i don't need glasses and i'm going to start because of this i'm going to go to warby parker dot com that's w a r b y p a r k e r dot com and uh and here's the here's the the sweetest part he said if you enter the code my brother oh one word then uh you can get new glasses in three business days rather than the usual um however long it takes longer than that 10 usually i think 10 business days usually he's gonna give him to you in three because he's so tight with me just macaroy so go to warby parker dot com warby parker i know he seems like a good dude go to warby parker dot com use the coupon code my brother and get those glasses fast and get your face right what if you have what if you have 10 eyeballs can you keep all the glasses

i think you can but i think you're gonna pay a premium yeah the mutant preview uh i have a message to to listen or eric with a y from uh his cousins the reagan brothers who says hi eric we know that chemo blows so we wanted to say hey cheer up the mabin bam brothers totes rejected your cancer etiquette question so we wanted to give you a chance to finally hear them their premium colon cancer goose hopefully it makes all the nausea and fatigue go down a little easier signed tom joe john and pete man hey tom joe john and pete go fuck yourself wow guys just because just because you pay to do a message like this you think this means you can just abuse us we're not dancing monkeys do you guys like how quickly i just charged into that that message it was a sensitive message a

very accusatory message i was i was just like fuck it let's just you know let's just do this thing i felt attacked a little bit i felt i mean did you feel attacked by griffin because i feel like that a lot i mean i mean not like not like verbally griffin just a messenger i'm not gonna fault him for that and i just it's also kind of a dig hey shut the fuck up hey eric see get feeling better buddy yeah beat that thing yeah eric we love your ass wait wait not the part of your ass that has cancer of course we just want that gone but uh the rest of the cancer the part of your ass can stay but the cancer on it sucks get out of here get out of here you uh max haze and i got a message to you from and this is just what was written here so i have to read what's here philly cheese steak and kiwi

they say happy birthday to mb mb am's biggest canadian fan maxi we love you and this is the best slash most appropriate gift we could think of for you wish we could see you in person when you hear this but such as life that's from uh uh he also says ps mario lopez dispenser maybe that's hey perhaps a private joke that they stole from us yeah it's not so not so private because we said it a while ago to you happy birthday team to uh max hazen uh i hope it's a great one and i hope you can introduce this to your friends philly cheese steak and kiwi which is also what i'm going to have for lunch so thank you for putting that idea into my head on that classic joke i will move on to this travis you know i have a i have a little uh anecdote today are no a

couple days ago while hunting for props for our upcoming show i found myself in an adult store um i don't want to say is this show too huge dicks of barona i need i needed some handcuffs for non sensual purposes um and i stopped into an adult store that i will not say the name of well because i don't want to i don't want to cause any any bad blood but let's just say it was named after a an adult magazine and it was the skeesiest place with poor selection and uh not quality product i've ever been in i felt dirty and i felt wrong and they did not hold the candle to extreme restraints um why didn't you just go to extreme restraints because i needed that i needed a fast i needed that day yeah now to be clear extreme restraints may not be able to get you uh sexual

toys that day but they do get them to you fast it's the world's uh greatest in my opinion uh adult superstore no fuck that that's not opinion that's it that shit is fact that shit we have categorical evidence to support the fact that it's the best sex site in the world it's the best site in the world fuck google sorry google you can just it's also they actually are changing the name of site to fuck google gut penis pumps penis pump of accessory large penis pump pills these are small penis pump pills small penis but these are your penis is too big and you want to make your penis smaller these are just a these are just a few things that i've bought from extreme restraints.com and you can get some of your own eat me drink me stuff from alice in wonderland you have to

take the large penis pills but then you have to take the small one have a small one to balance it out if you want to get anything done with your day you have to take the small penis pill or else you are exhausted by midday this company is fantastic they've always been so good to us we love them very very very much and we hope you'll go support them and use the coupon code sexabunga and you can save 20% at extremestraints.com i hope you'll change i love that every time you say sexabunga you get so like just happy it's such a good code word it is and it'll be here for maybe another week i'm just saying i don't want to be a defeatist but hackers are everywhere especially chinese hackers we get hit like a million times a day hackers wake your legs it's all i we asked

noden to build us a fucking firewall but he couldn't because he didn't have corporeal hands yes i'm still working on it buddy thank you thank you just thank you gustin let's move on when will it be done you ask it's a secret okay hi everybody my name is justin macaroy and i'm dr sydney macaroy yeah you told me to introduce myself that way we're the newest addition to the maximum fun family our show is called saw bones it's a medical history program where we detail all the dumb hurtful stupid ways that we've tried to fix people over the years have you tried to put mercury on your syphilis shanker yep or maybe you tried to drill a hole in your head because you heard it would

reduce your blood brain volume it probably didn't work but the good news is you're in great company you can hear all about it every friday on saw bones right here on maximum fun i'm a chronologically i'm a chronically forgetful gentleman who constantly loses everyday things keys wallet phone etc after losing my wallet several times my aunt bought me one with a chain on it for my birthday i found it very convenient i don't think you need to read the rest of the question first off i just want to say do you know how often you have to lose your wallet for word to get back to your aunt answers a lot uh problem is uh the fashion statement i'm making with this wallet is not consistent with my intended persona this question asker works

in a government office he's 27 years old and he just doesn't think it fits with his look so he asked am i good or is the stigma as bad as i fear it's from shackled in silver spring maryland it's the it's the worst you can fear unfortunately i hate to be the bearer of bad news that you already know would it be worse if the wallet was on one of those like janitor zipline key things no travis that would be fucking awesome it's like this pop this popcorn's gonna be 650 and you're like okay zip money zips out and you just let it go from your hands and it flies back in your butt that's the best that would be awesome that'd be a pretty dope move here's the thing about it as you get older question asker you'll find that things that would be otherwise convenient or

sensible but aren't fitting you have to fight against those because like that's how grandpas start wearing glasses with like the rope tied to them because like oh my glass is always falling off i have to have a glasses rope well no you don't and it's making you look so old right now but it's like but it's like a weird bell curve because when you're a kid you're just like i'm just gonna like velcro my shoes together that's so much easier but then like when you're an adult you can't do it but then when you're an old person bam back to velcro but it has nothing to do with age you can't have a wallet chain and velcro shoes when you're head to toe armani what are you imagine a fucking old ass man with like a wallet chain picture it i can actually see it in my head

in my mind's eye it's pretty great i i you oh you know be great you can do what they do at like gas stations and shit to make sure that people don't steal keys or you attach like a big like a plank or like a toilet touch a toilet seat to your wallet on like a tire rim and and then just you have to carry that around with you all the time and people will be like you have a toilet seat in a tire room hanging out of your pants i don't know what i do i don't understand i don't think you need them both let's talk about i have a brief anecdote about convenience versus perception okay i my wife discovered a pizza bread in the fridge and she knew that i had gotten pizza bread for lunch delivered from geno's pub family fun center so she she said did you not eat your pizza bread

that you ordered for lunch and i told her what i had done is ordered two of them uh-huh because of a lunch concept i call doubles where if i get two of something also a popular style of playing tennis uh this lunch in this lunch concept if i get doubles of something i'm getting for lunch then tomorrow lunch is sorted so i don't have to think about it again and my wife informed me that this is an unacceptable practice i've been doing this for years with dinner and it is completely fine order two dinners at a restaurant boxing up bam life i've actually been there when you do that in addition the shame that it brings to my family is it's crippling i justin can i ask why you have if you're gonna go to town you might as well go in a lincoln why not monday morning order

septuples in that one year of envision a world in which i just macaroy husband of a doctor i'm going to eat seven-day-old i come to the living or a world where the genus cashier answers the phone and says what do you need seven pizza breads huh can't do that can't i can't in good conscience do this for you can't actually add that many up don't know how much it costs no no there there are government keys only go up to four on our board i don't know what to tell you if we try to go above that government regulators swoop in and say you are you are killing you are killing this man my point is that just because something is a good idea doesn't mean that it's going to make people around you think that that you're smart i mean you just have to stop losing

your wallet you know i i lose stuff a lot because i have a tendency to like house that might only sit stuff down and then just keep going and it's like i i know that i've sat my keys down at some point but i can't picture where and what i do and i it's not exactly like a very proud moment but i'll just loudly announce like i'm setting my keys on the dresser and make it active it's it's pretty dorky but it works and i don't lose shit anymore do you ever you ever sing a little song dresser keys dresser keys will you be there when i need putting my wallet on the toilet paper dispenser in the bathroom gotta do it gotta do it what if there's pee on the floor it's okay if it gets on my pants i'm just wearing these for one day but who am i mr buy a new wallet every week when i

get pee on it guy no toilet paper wallet you're my best friend and i love you you know people say we're no yankamakas lost the step but i think his tunes are as fresh as they were in the 80s is there anything worse than getting another person's pee on your stuff no poop even that seems more anyway you guys want a yahoo please i got toilet paper while it stuck in my head um jingles are back uh this yahoo was sent in by ninja farmer's wife thank you ninja farmer's wife it's by yahoo answers user cori lucas who asks does dunking at five ten attract women i can dunk and i'm five ten will that improve my chances of scoring with a girl the funny thing about this what it immediately my my immediate first

impressions is how funny it is to me that every so we got a question very early on about like a sports car and picking up women and stuff like that that idea of like there being this one magical thing like if i could just you know if i could just play golf better if i could just run faster but you know that i don't i don't know what women there are that said they go oh that gentleman can dunk i definitely want to copy and he is not that tall that is very impressive compared to other basket ballman i have to make a wonderful partner for sexual congress why on earth would this woman be watching amateur dunksters that's a great that's a great point lunch break you are gonna have to you are gonna have to be a pretty smooth operator to be at a bar and be like um by the way i got

something special to show you why don't you come with me down to the y and i could show you my another janitor leave the key under the map i am secretly i am the janitor um and we're just going to go inside and i'm going to show you something on the court it might take me a few tries i'm i'm a wee little man it's going to take me a few tries to build up the courage to jump that high do you think it's more or less impressive when he just hangs there for a while because he's afraid dropped down because he's such a long drop who goes through all the trouble and successfully moves a woman back to the y with him he's like okay here we go a jumps too high and goes oh god sorry this isn't this never happens

i always dunk it they call me one try i usually take it to the paint so hard you don't get scared like a big guy no i'm serious the guys jokingly call me brian dunkelman that's what they say because i'm so good at dunks i am also brian dunkelman and the janitor here they call me brian dunkelman because that's who i am and that's what i've been to that's my name it's the name my parents gave me so it's kind of a fun joke like my life no not like my life i'm so sad thank you for coming back to the y with me could you close the door on your way out brian if you're listening we're sorry it's a joke i'm sure you're doing something the first time i read this question i thought it was asking if dunking at 5 10 p.m. uh man works out 5 10 a.m

maybe twice a day works out i got a fucking hurry i've got a very narrow window to dunk it's like an equinox you can stand an egg on his head at 5 10 this particular person the earth gravitational pull has released him enough for him to get ups is it possible that he means that the rim is set at 5 foot 10 i don't know he has to do is like lift his feet i don't think that's gonna be particularly impressive to a woman or a man or a dog maybe this is a child like a seven year old and then it'd be very impressive if this is a five foot 10 fucking seven year old everyone get in your cars and drive into the woods because that's where you live now we have a titan situation hey uh i got another question for you guys uh the question asker asks

i need vices i don't like tobacco i don't smoke pot due to medical problems i can't drink alcohol anymore uh i even have a low tolerance for caffeine i hate going to parties with other 20 somethings because inevitably i'm the weird guy standing around drinking water while everyone else has fun any suggestions for stuff to do uh that's from least cool person ever in corvallis organ you could be the guy that takes naps at parties it's pretty good advice because i mean sloth if you think about it sloth is a pretty good sin if you think about it smoking pot and drinking alcohol are really just leading to you getting sleepy and falling asleep sure so just just jump the middleman and just go straight for the sleepy time and then there's also meth

wait hear me out uh huh meth what about meth light have you tried uh new meth crystal meth who wants you know i'm into those e-cigarettes it's harmless it makes everything smell better and there's no danger and of another danger of tobacco it's perfect that's true but you know i there was a foolish time in college in which i was uh had decided not to drink anymore um and i understand this problem because i remember standing there i think i was drinking a gatorade where like everyone else is getting drunk and like it's the worst afternoon of his life you never feel more out of place and like i should just go there's everyone else is on a

different train than i am my train has stopped and is not going anywhere and everyone else is just powering towards fun station the only i'm shining time station this train has been placed outside a novelty train restaurant and children are climbing on it here's here's how i read this sentence due to medical problems he can't drink alcohol anymore okay scratch off the list i don't like tobacco fine scratch off the list i don't smoke pot you can you could you're just saying that you don't now so you're saying the question should read i don't smoke pot and then parenthetically yet yeah i'm i'm saying that this that's a thing that's one of the things your your answer's in the question it's right there you should probably also stop drinking water drink like a soda now you

need to definitely hydrate if you're gonna you're gonna be smoking so much kush you need to hydrate because of all the the nasty arb you're gonna be chief and you gotta fill your lungs with water and make sure you have some skittles on hand you've got to skittle like because you're gonna want to burst you get high enough you press them together and you make all sculptures you know i always thought that uh munchies was a uh you know one of those you know a funny thing to say that's not actually accurate i have never felt a hunger it's a righteous hunger it's that the the first time that i tried marijuana oh god i wanted to eat everything what other drugs have you done justin oh oh oh pretty much nani unless you're listening nani's definitely let's say our daddy's

listening our daddy knows about our salvia trips but that's it true i did shrooms once because tonight we clean in out our closet i think shrooms i ate an entire pizza because the flavor was just so you guys are going ride or die i'm not going ride or die i'm locking my shit off okay great kill the man once we didn't need to end the show but i need to share my true shroom story uh have you ever talked about this in the show i don't think i know i don't think we've ever discussed our hardcore drug use on the show before just okay so i try i tried shrooms i probably did too many from our first time that's life and i'm at a friend's birthday party i'm sure may nameless uh

we're there for 30 minutes and i remember somebody played the uh you know that slow motion ulson twins video or they sing party yeah pizza party so we're watching that i'm thinking man i'm getting pretty high and then my friend's family shows up to this party his dad and his brother so at that point i've lost my mind oh god this is really happening and so when i uh when i notice him coming in i notice that his brother is carrying what appears to be a cake shaped like a giant penis and a cake shaped like a vagina and i thought oh my god these drugs have not only taken hold i'm like in a full i you know i'm in a full hunter s thompson esk

delusion at this point i've lost my grip on reality as it happens when my friend came under the influence of these uh hallucinogenics he had called his brother and said that he wanted him to make him a cake shaped like a penis and another one shaped like a vagina and his brother who is apparently the best brother in the world uh acquiesced to this request and this is a real cake and actually the reality of that cake is something to help keep me grounded for the rest of the night because whenever things got too scary i would return to the room with a cake shaped like a penis and i remember that i wasn't so far gone i wish i'd done shroomstream my my dolphin experience can you imagine i i i can't it would have it would have been like

living a real life lisa frank drawing listen we've had a lot of fun here today but it's time to get serious thank you drugs are bad and you should only do drugs that are natural natural out of the ground drugs the ones that jesus made for you uh thank you so much for listening you're the best we want to talk tell you about something really neat uh we have entered into a a partnership a team up a collab if you a collab with uh operation supply drop so our friend tristan the marine is is over in afghanistan defending our freedom and we want to uh send him a little something what operations supply drop does is they get uh collections of uh gaming goodness together and they uh they ship him over to our fighting men and women and we're

going to do that for tristan the marine he's over there with uh uh some of his buddies providing intelligent support operations uh and it it it looks like they could use some fun they could use some laughs and we're going to send him a bunch of video games uh we're raising money and also raising actual games we've got something lying around the house that you want to donate or you just want to donate some money or you can't do that you just want to spread the word anything would be awesome go to operation supply drop dot org and you're going to see modern era that's the name of our our supply drop that we're doing uh we want to make it big we want to send them a lot of cool stuff and uh we'd love it if you go could go and pitch in a few

bucks it's at operation supply drop dot org his top two requests his top two requests are for a game cube four controllers and a copy of super smash brothers and uh gameboy advanced sps with pokemon games and cables for trading how how do you know our army rules hits the fucking best certainly we could do that so please go help them out you got till august 11th but don't hesitate don't wait go now go help them out and uh help spread the word don't send them regular gameboy advances those weren't terrible give them the sps they need they need them they're compact they can fit into their fatigues they're not going to get any sand in those they're not going to get any sand they fold up their sandproof they can hold them over their heads when they

walk through the sand rivers the non-backlit gameboy advance you can't see that in that hot afghanistan they're gonna they're gonna fucking think they're catching a mute too and it's a it's a dodo and they're gonna be so disappointed and they're not gonna be able to go on they're not gonna have the strength or will to fight and then we're gonna lose this war and it's gonna be your fault for sitting on this shitty the shitty model that nintendo led the gameboy advanced generation with for some reason i just don't understand it kids don't need to see outside do they cool cool just go and launch that product pretty good product nintendo thank you to everybody tweeting about the program people like patrick doug piker mitch reader portland resident uh shon melzmer

kathleen duffy myles tossall uh andrew tenison jeff fowler stymie thank you for tweeting about the show please share with a friend that's the only way we can grow um i'm let me just say really quick that sega launched the game gear years before the gameboy advanced and managed to figure out that people want backlit screens yes government but to be fair the game gear killed its batteries in 2.3 seconds yeah but there's there's it was an illuminated 2.3 seconds so it was fully colored as well and it was beautiful for a second then you blinked and it was gone um sorry what were you gonna say travis i was going to say um that you may have noticed that we did not do farm wisdom this week and that is because we need your farm wisdom people we can't we can't just make that

shit up and we also can't just google it because that's cheating yeah we want to get it from you farm wisdom send us your questions and anything you want to mb mbam at maximumfun.org speaking speaking of that domain you can head there to find a bunch of great maximum fun programs stop podcasting yourself uh gosh jordan jesse go judge john hodgeman um so many wonderful programs that you can enjoy uh they're all waiting there for you i got a new medical history program a max fun that i do with my wife sydney it's called saw bones so check that out and thank you so much for joining us we'll be here with you next monday presumably also thanks to john roger did you think john roger no i was waiting for you to do it usually you do it i want to thank john roger

in the long winters for the use of our theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed um it's a it's a terrific album i've been spinning it a lot it's full of a lot of summer hits so i also want to thank john roger in the long winters for the use of our theme song it's a departure it's been what like 160 episodes and you've never like piped up about it so like well you just always say like i want to think can we say we right i'm just saying i thought after all this time that you were just like an ungrateful pig no it's just that like i want to say it but i want to step in your toes griffin do you have a final question for us this final yahoo answer was sent in by readzilla thank you readzilla it's by yahoo answers user molly who asks

what happens at a paul mccartney concert i'm just a macaroy i'm travis back i'm griffin macaroy it's been my brother my brother me kiss your dad school they're on the lips maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported