My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 161: Bro's Better, Bro's Best: Ch. 1 - 13

Episode Date: July 29, 2013

Our erratic summer schedules made recording impossible this week, but don't fret: We've compiled our favorite bits from the earliest episodes into a one-hour nugget for you to listen to instead. Come, relive the origins of dad-lips-kissing. Take a trip back to the days of the ABBA intro. Remember the headset microphone recording quality, and then try to remember why you started listening to this show in the first place.

Hi everybody, I'm Justin McRoy from my brother my brother and me. Hi, I'm Griffin McRoy from my brother my brother and me We didn't skip we didn't skip Travis He's working working probably we didn't actually ask him because we figured he's busy. He's always so busy He's always a busy bee. So we got it. So caught he's fighting off colony collapse We've got an unconventional episode for you this week Because I'm on the sunny shores of beautiful Tybee Island just outside of Savannah, Georgia

I'm on the sun. I'm on a three-day drunk Because it's the weekend. I had no it's not just the weekend. It was I'm having kind of a hard year Rough one for Griffin. We're not gonna talk about that. We're gonna talk about is the the greatest In air quotes greatest will be man moments from the early years We dip back into the into the annals and I went over with a fine-tooth comb and got One hilarious hour from our first 13 episodes now. I know what you're thinking weren't those episodes pretty bad Weren't those episodes bad? Well, here's your indication. I took 13 hours and convinced it's one worthwhile hour of material

Some some jewelers I read this on the internet liked our rough gems better than the than the ones that have been cut down You know why why because because then because then they can cut it down and really make it their own Well, that's what I've done And I've boiled it down for you So I hope you'll enjoy this look back at the early years of mbm. They're early weeks of My brother my brother and me early weeks compilation one colon. It's better than nothing And welcome Welcome to our show the show is called my brother my brother and me

I'm Justin McElroy. I'm joined by my titular brothers trap Great good start everybody Travis and Griffin. This is an advice show for the modern era Mainly fashion We ate we take your questions every day every one on every day every week and we second real time every second That's why it's a modern show. It's every Call me just call now now now now now

Now Speaking of questions this this one comes from yahoo The question is what is the chord progression during the intro of the ABC series Greek? I Take a chance scratch bones Jones How many times a week should I shampoo my hair? I'm currently on a wash the rice Shampoo every third wash cycle. Okay, we're gonna get just real talk here Yeah, you just entered into our wheelhouse. This is it listen

This is a matter of some debate for men of dry hair. Let me open up Let me open up by saying I didn't know like this is one of those many many things that I as a 22-year-old adult should should know and and incorporate in my life But I've I shampoo my hair every time I get That's why you've got that hair like you have I said shouldn't be this you're having an awakening guys It's our first awakening. I Feel like when I don't you're listening to awakenings with Justin Travis and I feel like I'm getting Dirty like if I don't do it

Is the natural oils that your scalp produces makes your hair look Look think of it from like a caveman era your body biologically once you're here to look better It's trying to make your hair look better It's doing what it can to help you and you like the three-day rotation a circuit a rotation I am down now. Sometimes. What's the problem? You got to get in there on that third day with a real hard scrub Or your scalp's gonna go to shit, right? Also, that's the night area When my hair gets longer and I know I'm running my hands through it a lot and getting it real gross I'll do it to your two-day rotation. Sure. Yeah

We've had if you use a lot of products one day you and you got to get away from that feeling There's one unsolved a mystery here. Okay, okay, so you guys obviously know more about this than than I do but if you don't Shampoo your hair Then how are you supposed to put shampoo in your hair unless the suds run down and then just use those suds as soap? Okay, great question You're telling me that I shouldn't use soap is what I'm hearing except for every Wednesday and Saturday I Think that this grooming section. I'm gonna has taken a weird turn where it's like more about

Just had a terrible good life. It's weird. It started out. It's about one thing. That's kind of depressing I'm as clean as a motherfucker, but I do it in suspect ways Yeah Another thing you can do is um, do you guys you guys remember when you were younger and you go like on a first date with somebody and You'd be in the movie theater and it would take you like the entire two-hour Movie to get up the courage to like hold their hand and so the entire time like your hand is kind of slowly Yeah, and it's all exciting and scary What you can do is do that with the stranger sitting next to you

Right and have it like stretch it out for the entire like if you're flying east to west coast It's like a unit six-hour flight So just take six hours and very slowly just have this campaign of of just no finger by finger Just move you'll be so distracted You'll be so distracted and so scared and like maybe maybe Maybe You know, maybe that large drill sergeant type sitting in 17 be made us be your special somebody Yeah, and if not like you know shot down you just your your fight's done

You know, I was reading my Cosmo like I do it's what I do and I found some great advice for the ladies Little something ladies might like from an article tall called 30 things to do with a naked man Mm-hmm, and this suggestion is find his g-spot The hint is a guy's prostate the walnut size gland under his bladder is the ultimate magic button to push if you want to blow his mind in bed Ultimate magic button to analyze it partway through oral sex or intercourse rest two fingers against the swath of skin between his testicles and Stay the fuck away You mean taint you need to say do you mean his taint, right? It's an efficiency of language issue at this point. You mean his taste. Excuse me Cosmo

Please don't tell anyone to do that Cosmo my walnut is a temple and I don't want it doesn't need any insurrectionists not What's your walnut? How's everybody's walnut situation today? It's like I it's feeling good The one walnuts fire as you guys remember when I went to Bonnaroo, and I didn't shower for five days, and I got walnut. I just Here's my question what actual situation would that be okay, and like how this is that whoa? When I went to see a Walnut, I'll adjust about my walnut. I just any check my walnut like still still questionable You know, it's weird about that story Griffin went five days without a shower. It's still shampooed every day

Yeah It was nice. I would I had lots of aquafina, which I could you know hit my shit up Don't touch my walnut stay away from the walnut. Don't listen to Cosmo This one comes from y'all who answers user Nikolai. He says or she says no, I think it might be he says this is under the Pregnancy and parenting baby names category. He says can I name my baby girl Justin after Justin Bieber? Why don't you pick somebody more deserving? Why don't you pick a more deserving Justin to name your child after someone who's going to give that kid the sort of Minute one publicity that a baby starting out in today's fast-paced Twitter-based world needs

Maybe name your baby after like a Justin McElroy somebody who's going to get the name out there Going to get that babies get that baby promoted Justin McElroy Bieber Nikolai I love it. What about what about Justin? McElroy Bieber and I'll hyphenate my last name. He'll just have me back. I'm so sorry I didn't know what I was doing. I'm so so sorry. Please baby, baby. Please. Please baby, please baby, baby One more time I'll tell you one time Justin. I'm sorry. You shouldn't have said that things. It was just it was just It was just a boat

It was just a boat at an amusement park and there was there was a Cliope in the background and I was had a belly full of cotton candy. I didn't know what I was doing And I'm so sorry. There was there was no line And I just I saw it there in the in the reflection of the street lamp and I thought yes Yes, I'm a boatman I'm a boatman for life and I left you. I didn't go to see you the show And I'm sorry babes. I'm sorry. Why don't you name? Why don't you name your kid viking fury? That would be the coolest name ever that would be the best

I see now. I want to use that Viking fury Viking fury baguroy. Yeah, this is my son viking fury. Well, what's his last name? Viking his first name is viking. Sorry about your knee. Sorry about your kneecap. He just hated that He's two and he's got a little baby axe my first axe What's up with that beard? He's got going. I don't know. I named him viking fury. It really stuck It's red like a sunrise. Did he just kill that narwhal? Yeah, he did. He's crazy

Stupid viking fury get over here. So how do you get the muzzle? viking fury is trying to eat mutton His stomach can't digest. He's only six weeks old Mush up some mutton sweetheart for for for viking fury Take a chance But she seemed to enjoy going to movies dinner and spending a lot of time with me But I was too timid to make her mine I got I got a piece of advice for a man some unsolicited advice

If you want to if you want to go out with this girl stop saying creepy shit like make her mine And switch and buy her my chest I made her mine A bounty of flesh So do you want to go see a movie or should I just make you into a skin suit? Mine possess you for me. I mean for life to own you to have you I just want to own you and make you mine. I just want to own your body. Just your body Property I want to make you feel about man-sized jars

I will poke holes in the top I'll put a twig in there some leaves. Don't even worry about it. You worry about it. But you're mine now As far as the signs you're looking for Put sugar water in the bottom. Oh sugar water Um This one comes from yahoo Answers and I think it's great. Um, because you guys are your professionals at this But the question is who is the founder of acting?

I would the subtitle is I would really like to know who is the founder of acting so Uh any answers oh no, I think it's Aristotle. I think Aristotle Pretty sure it's Jim Varney He was Ernest and the dad from Beverly Hillbillies and that coil dog high versatility. I think so. He was the coil dog Yeah, he was a coil. He's everybody. I didn't know that Because he's a fucking chameleon He was a chameleon

Were there any answers to that one? Uh, there was one from a guy named theater doc Did he say that what did he say something boring like a poet named Thespis and 534 bc became the first person to pay a park stage What a Barney revolutionized He perfected it perfected it It's like how the chinese made invented fireworks, but I guess the chinese perfected fireworks suit We perfected blowing our hands off. There you go. Take a chance. Uh, this one also comes from form spring Hey guys, just wondering what the word cute means. I hear women use the word in conversation all the time

And I am more and more confused about its true meaning given its multitude of uses It means chubby Sorry But you got a great personality on show me the great personality Sorry, David substitute cute with non-threatening and that's exactly what it means He's so cute means he's so non-threatening And by non-threatening means you you don't you don't know what she means when you she says cute That's that's non-threatening for you. There's a definition of of non-threatening

Hey, hey, um, I got a little piece of advice for your prom king next time you're around Someone who says cute flip a table just flip a table See if they keep calling you cute. Was that was that adorable? Was that so so cute? And then just make love to them right there They will they will not fight They were saying can we flip the table back over and if they do fight if they do fight just just make them yours They're your property Adam has a problem. Adam wrote to us from gmail

He says my friend doesn't seem to fully grasp the point of the would you rather game He posed his question such as would you rather be able to leap over tall buildings or have the ability to hear babies crying anywhere on the Okay Let me just take a tea. I'm gonna take a tea right here. It's a big tea sack right here and say, um That's a terrible power Anywhere that a newborn is distressed, you know Can I show what your days would be like just constantly from from dust till dawn wake up to slumber Not ever sleep sound of millions of babies

Uh, and read and keep reading the question because I like the second one better Or would you rather be on fire or not be on fire? I want to read this guy. Um, how can I teach him the proper way to play or is he a lost cause? Um Oh adam, I think man, I think you got a jettison that went into the sun. Yeah That's maybe he's just not allowed to play that game anymore. Maybe not that game. Maybe another one Maybe he's really good at checkers be able to breathe underwater or have Lyme disease Would you rather

Find a crisp clean $100 bill or watch an elderly loved one be pushed on a flight of stairs It is up to you the choice My friend is yours one for the ages a puzzler for ages Would you rather have Okay A credit card credit card that you never had to pay back. Okay sounds good so far Or no teeth or no teeth

Well Can I have both or just just the one one or the other one or the other? I guess I could get those those metal teeth like the guy from James Bond. There you go. I can't I can't decide Everyone's favorite sound and the English language is the sound of their own name as a stone fact learn their name Use it a lot. They're gonna warm up to you pretty quickly and then Find out something they're interested in and and ask them about it And if you if you don't know what they're interested in use the environment that you're in if you are at a party at a show At a concert

Reference what is going on around to ask if they're having a good time Jeffrey, how did you get to this concert Jeffrey? What would you say Jeffrey Jeffrey? What's your favorite Dave Matthews song Jeffrey? Jeffrey, how do you enjoy being the butler for the Fresh Prince of Bel Air Jeffrey? Jeffrey Matthews band. Oops. What did I do Jeffrey? I just touched that in Jeffrey Jeffrey. I didn't mean to say that Jeffrey Um, and thank your best friends and then your best friends just like that Say their name a lot and then at the first time you meet them say, hey

Nice to meet you Jeffrey. You want to go to a wine tasting with me Jeffrey Jeffrey let's look at houses Jeffrey. It'll be like that movie sideways Jeffrey Jeffrey. Let's go to look at open houses Jeffrey I bought us matching sweaters Jeffrey Jeffrey. Let's wear these matching sweaters Jeffrey Go for a wine tasting in that country Jeffrey. Hug me Jeffrey come to my via for a weekend Jeffrey. You're via No, they they rolled they rolled the double L's But as far as the timetable goes don't rush yourself because you don't want to do it when you're not ready And you're not prepared. You don't have the money, but you know, there's no reason to wait You're not really doing anything. Take the lead. Hey, did you ask Jeff?

Did you ask Jeffrey if you needed a roommate? Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey we should move in together Jeffrey. We've just met Jeffrey, but let's Jeffrey It's a one bedroom apartment. It's awfully spacious Jeffrey Jeffrey. I've got a bunk beds Jeffrey. I've got a california king bed. I promise we won't touch Jeffrey Jeffrey will you hold me during the thunderstorms Jeffrey? Jeffrey it's hailing Jeffrey the black clouds are rolling in Jeffrey Jeffrey. Let us buy a puppy together Jeffrey Jeffrey We'll name him Jeffrey Jeffrey

Let's go shopping at the local market Jeffrey to troll Jeffrey My seven-year-old and I spend a lot of time in the car listening to music while commuting across town to horse Her school or mother's house. I'd like to expose her to more artists and songs that I consider insightful and enjoyable But they use more profanity. At what point is it okay to say fuck it and listen and let your kid listen to whatever they want Now Fuck it. I think it's okay to say fuck it after you count to three Justin could could you for house give me uh One two three and fuck it. It's like that just like that

You know what Tommy? I think the bigger question is when did you forget what fuck it means? Like at what like do you do realize that fuck? It's not like I thought this over And now my response to the situation my decision is fuck it Fuck it means like I've taken all the variables into account and the only decision I could come to is fuck it fuck it That's my decision. I've checked the bubble box that says fuck it. Thanks to it after weighing all my options Oh, maybe fuck it

joseph joseph jessup jessop jesse jesse Final vote um All of them on that all of like what about what about uh, joseph top. Yeah, what about joseph joseph jessep jessep jessey the third mega mega What do you what about mega jessep mega jessep? Hey, who's that who's currently destroying our town it is mega jessep

To be fair jessep is how he starts out and then he becomes mega jessep He only has mega jessep don't make him angry You wouldn't like him when he's mega um So I'm accompanying my wife to visit her parents in the coming weeks and while the visit is usually rather painless The bed we are relegated to is very noisy Being relative newlyweds we still engage in the relations if you know what I mean And was wondering what the etiquette on fooling around in this awkward situation might be jeff

You ready for the pleasure Mima mima is literally this this wall is stucco. This wall is completely stucco. It anything we do they can probably hear us Down here, but let's make love Listen, I want to show you That our relationship is still as fiery As fiery as it was when we started no no jeff no jeff no no no No, i'm mary jeff no

Gross jeff gross jeff is a grown-ass man with grown-ass urges I get this jeff's got to get himself sassified and jeff noisy bed Uh adjacent me ma or no jeff needs to get jeff needs to get his jeff off Jeff if you were if you're urged to get your jeff off It's not so strong that you have to rent That you can't rent a room at the super eight away from your me ma You're urged to bed down. It's not so strong that it cannot be resisted

I'm saying learn how to bone down on the quiet buy an inflatable mattress and lay that out because that completely Obviates the whole squeaky bed issue and maybe maybe carry that around in your bag And then lay that down and it makes sweet silent love upon it Maybe you should maybe you should approach this uh this problem head on right here's my plan Go to your in-laws the day one Say listen, I appreciate you having us The bed you've supplied us with is quite loud and we're afraid that our noise making will be uh a ruckus so

What bed might be quieter that you could accommodate us with and also Where can I put my oversized duffel bag with the words lube bag? So I put that and it looked like some spare room in me ma's A boat could I put it me ma's room? Will she be offended? I will need to access it a regular Me ma don't be coy. You know exactly what this oil is used for You old whore you old racist Hey jeff's me ma Magic incest

Let's just talk about that for magic incest. Yeah, moving on. That's the username here uh via gmail It's a great question I think it's one might be divisive has a potential to be divisive peeing in the shower. Yay or nay honesty time Don't say anything. I think we all just need to We'll go one two three and then go so one two three and then you vote. Okay. All right. Yeah one two two three Yes

No, yeah Come in you're a traitor So travis said no and jesson hey peeing in the shower like it's the most natural thing in the world I want to throw a An addendum in there the way our bathroom's set up. I can just open the curtain and the toilets right there Yeah, I will do that from time to time because the convenience factor is the same That explains why our magazines are always soiled You're awful

You're the worst room. I'm sorry. I've ruined our reader readers digests Um, so jesson you're down with it. Why not? Because it's gross it's not gross It's basically like you're peeing on your feet. You're not peeing your feet. Okay I'm not saying like just start spinning around and urinating wildly on every Vertical surface in your shower. I'm saying fucking a for the drain and pee You guys are lying. That's a good you're lying. That's a good motivational poster You're lying to yourselves because the two of you are living in sin

And you are embarrassed to admit to each other that you might have stepped into one another's urine from time to time That's all i'm saying You're lying. I want to do I want to see a poster where a dad puts his hand on his son's shoulder and just says son aim for the drain We're not stepping in each we don't take showers together. That's not our style We're not done with magic incest we we take separate showers like grown adults grown ass men grown ass men i'ma say yay I'll I'll break the thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I mean this is a drain right there

It's practically a toilet you stand up in to get clean the shower is a toilet you stand up in to get clean Recently the buzz about not having elections in 2012 has gained a lot of momentum It seems to stem from several of obama's initiatives and other legislation being introduced that gives obama some frightening powers For example cyber legislation gives obama sole power to shut down the internet Presidential term limits repeal of the 22nd amendment and the controversial 16 000 armed irs agents on radio and tv I've heard several comments about the possibility that we will not have presidential elections in 2012 When guests to the various show mentioned the elections and possible turnovers in 2012 Several hosts have remarked

If we have elections in 2012 Now that obama is a cyber god um He can pretty much take that out with a wave of his cyber hands if if president obama Uh president barack hussain obama shuts down the internet. Can we keep doing our show? Oh, we can't shout. Yeah, we'll just have to yell really loud. So we'll do like live stage versions Yes, exclusively obama has the power to single-handedly shut down the internet He has a switch on the underside of the of the desk. He can't stand up too quick. Oops. He can't

Where's my by internet? Where's my gmail? What is gmail? There's no it's a non-existent entity gmail never happened Craigslist never happened out yakuya shut it down yakuya answers a flaunt of constant comedy It's gone now this question itself Whoa, so not only can he shut down the internet. He erases the internet from time He He also has that cyber power. You mean soul power He has that soul power from the cyber legislation held in techno

There was a cyber bill in techno congress that gave him the power to go back in time and stop events from happening Android of the house. Can you pass the oil so I can the 22nd amendment hasn't been repealed It's been It's been We have just written the greatest movie ever Time travel president. Yes Yahoo answers user rock just says That's spelled r a q by the way. Whoa. I'm figuring that's how he prefers to be pronounced

Hey, need a film not anything like the lake house or that sort Desperate for something to watch anything for a 15 year old girl But not all right, but not in the wheelhouse of the lake house So the only Parameters the one criteria this choice. Okay, might I suggest? The lake house no wait fuck Shit you choked you choked mackerel. You choked Not the lake house anything but the lake house

What maybe something that uh, maybe walk in the clouds Maybe that's got keanu. I'm thinking of I'm trying to think of other keanu reeves time travel based rom-coms Oh, billint has excellent love affair Bill is heads most tender engagement travel through time kiss and george carlin Do this question this question is troubling to me because of the The addendum i'm desperate for something different to watch Which makes me think This is a 15 year old girl who her entire life

The only film she's ever watched is the lake house. I'm ready for something I would say the Jurassic Park films that would probably be a good place to start Um, have you tried to tell it? Well, you've never seen any movies. I don't know where to start with you Have you tried anything else? It's not not that she hasn't seen any movies. She she done seen the lake house Don't even try to quote lake house to her She knows all the lines all the classic classic lines like how am I I've got a time traveling mailbox Whoa, I live in a house by the lake My wife and I are expecting

First child in a month. She wants some songs that would be good to listen to in the delivery room Can you give me some great tracks for this special occasion? That's from thomas via gmail. No, I think we can come up with something Manzies I I actually I read this question earlier and I came up with a really great solution and I think For the the longer portion the more drawn out portion like from when she actually gets posted up in the room Okay starts squishing out the baby you put on something soothing Right something mellow something like um iron and wines double-sided Around the well just something to bring the mood down to see and then

and then Right when she starts crowning Thunderstruck by acdc Wow I don't think you can do better than thunderstruck like if you guys want to try and come at me with something else But thunderstruck would be the most trial with arms wide open by creed Fuck you with that Boy, we're having a lot of fun here, aren't we?

We had a lot of fun. We had a lot of fun back in those early days past past the odd days of Headset mic recording I think I used a rock band mic for like two of the episodes. This is what people want people want the fucking We got somebody behind the scenes requests would people wanted behind the scenes info. Is there any we can bust out? Uh, well in episode 10, which you'll hear a little later the audio quality would be better because we are all uh huddled around um one microphone and Griffin and I were just back from e3 and supremely supremely jet lag

We almost didn't record that episode because jesson you got fucking aggro crag I was upset. I didn't want to record you got full on shrek level grumpy early. I was Travis there I that's a great question. I can't recall. I think he drove in specifically for the record sesh Was there a holiday? Is there a holiday around then? Anyway, uh, so you'll hear us sounding like we're drunk In the last couple clips I was actually in washington dc recording it in a dude's basement because we were renting his basement Oh, I forgot about that era. Have you ever recorded the show drunk? I don't know that I ever have No, maybe one or two, but not three sheets of the wind

Hey, we want to uh, why we why we got you here. We want to give a special Uh, hello to eric kelch From cat. She says happy very bladed 29th butt day. I guess she means birthday, but she put button there from your fiance. I get it Uh, you're the best hoppy beer loving nerdy large buttock having puppy dad. There is man I wish people wouldn't make us say things like that. Just just put something normal like hey, you're a bro You're a real bro. Let's let's hang out together and slim Jim out Uh, she says hopefully griffin will sing a song about it. Can't love cat

Come on griffin. We're doing an old timey episode But without Travis here, I feel like I'm regaling you with like a private It's a little intimate, right Justin Sitting together just the two bros the way it should be Happy butt day matt. I mean eric This is why he doesn't do anymore. Yeah Uh, speaking of intimate moments, uh, if you'd like to spice up your love making this is going to be weird too

With just the two of us really can we call travis real quick? Just let me just add him to the skype call uh so yes Extreme restraints.com is an adult super store griffin it's good for

Fanny's Both because I can just say that and we can be done with the thing faster because that means both butts and british vaginas Oh british vaginas Extreme restraints.com is a friend of the show. They've been supporting us for so long and you can Support us and them in turn by heading over the site using the google put on code Sexabunga you're gonna save 20 percent, uh, which is fantastic. They got bondage items. You want that you want fetish and erotic books They've got you covered cock-and-ball toys

I love the I love those like the little amish game with the stick and the uh, yeah Just like that except you play it with your penis You can find all this it'd be hard to do all this and so much more extreme restraints.com And do they have any like of those creepy dolls without faces only they have like they have fanny's They have removable. You mean a fanny where their face should be? Um No, that sounds like a silent hill monster and i'm not crazy about that idea Me neither. Uh, you know what? I am crazy about money hearing some more of these great bits

You got some more hilarious bits. This next one's my favorite, you know when um When we got we got Sinatra in the studio and uh in 19, uh, whenever he was around Um, I remember he came up to to me uh during this uh during this session. It was a hot day in uh in cleveland Where we were recording the episode the Sinatra's old blue eyes swung by and was like, you know boys You know, it would really help this out A little treble A little treble

Yeah, and he put up he turned up the he potted up the treble in the mix and that's uh, Well, we didn't do any of that stuff when we were recording these because we were just talking into bad microphones But hopefully the jokes will still hold true. Thank you for joining us We'll be back with a regular episode next week probably and uh, we love you very much Who's that who's that one guy who's saying with his shirt off I'm black and white video R&B right side of fred. What are you talking about? You know

Not seal he had his shirt off in the deseret video. No, he's like He's sort of like You got to give me a song or I can't kind of like jade kiss You got to give me a song or I can't he's an r&b singer. Okay. That's his genre to cantris. Maybe Oh It'll come to me. I want to say something like a pony is his name something like a pony Jada kiss ludicrous ludicrous something like that ludicrous is is a thing. He's a guy. That's what you're going for the angelo. That was it Got it. Sweet. How is that like a pony?

Any social engagement I partake in I try and kiss the other part And if they take it then I I will know in retrospect that it was a date and if they fight me off Then it I know the truth. It was really awkward and Griffin got his taxes done Well, I don't know because my hr block representative She was fantastic. The weirdest is when he was baptized. He's had him all over the world Simmons aka that guy Uh asks in all caps Help my little baby sister drink beer

Hi, one of my little baby sisters who is 11 months old just drank some beer She didn't drink a lot and she doesn't seem affected by it But my mom is freaking out and yelling at all of us But and but I think she is fine and my mom doesn't think so can anyone help and no bullshit serious answers only Take her keys away That baby has Is in no shape to be driving This is another one of those times where we have to remind you of the right time

To call poison control and the right time to ask y'all who answers what you should do about your situation You know pay this is not now babies think they can party Baby still got shit These babies come up here They think that they can roll with the big dogs trying to stab but they just I don't even think I don't think humans get livers until they're like three. Yeah That shit where's that beer going and the inside of that baby's gully works I think I think we're missing some important. What beer like

What's another that's a big big what did you later have first? Did you later have some high life if it's like a if it's like a heady dogfish stout and that baby's dunzo That baby's gonna help my baby sister just slammed her Rasputin Oh, no, what if she had a pbr? You got hipster baby hands now. Oh man. Hope you can find really small horum glasses Plaid shirts tiny fixie tricycle Um, these jeans don't come any smaller for i'm sorry You'll have to go to the my buddy isle

To find smaller jeans For tight tight hipster babies tight tight hipster jeans at the jimboree um But seriously go to a hospital. I think you can chance Dude, it's coke asks us via twitter big news After three years with my girlfriend. I feel it's time to make believe and ask for her hand any suggestions to make it memorable All right guys, let's do it. First of all congratulations. Let's do it Susan or marie

Oh god, it's our first. Okay. Okay. I know i'm really nervous. Okay. Okay. Me too. Susan or marie or ellen Tammy let's just say baby baby. Hey, baby. Hey, baby. Hey, sweet, baby. Hey, sweet Dude, it's coke's been with you for three years now three long years girl long years over 1,000 days of pure bliss 525,600 times three You got you went on some dates you had some good times many each other many each other's parents and friends You all get along really well He's got it. He's been true to you. He's been there for you. He's got a really really important question to ask

Do it, dude. It's coke Yeah Or Let's do the second one. It's like a choose your own adventure. Hold on. Here we Right Oh, dude, it's coke. That's rough man. That's tough. That's tough, buddy Hey, listen, you there's so many other fish left in the sea Yeah, don't even worry about it. Don't don't even worry about it dating her because that's not going to work out

It's no it's over You had your shot and you blew it you blew it You blew it, but if you did it and it worked congratulate I'm sure she said yes I'm sure she did because those kids are so so in love Unless she didn't The reality of a long distance relationship is way harder than you think it would be 100 miles apart, you know where I live 100 miles from if I can

King's island. I don't get there up there. That's true. And you love king's island. That's our relationship You want to do I love the viking the viking fury. I want to make that really Beautiful boat Last night I went to my friend's 21st birthday party when suddenly his girlfriend who was very drunk Told me she had feelings for me. I don't feel the same about her So my question is how do I or even do I tell my friend Okay, hold on

You're at you're at your friend's birthday party. His lady tells you she has feelings for you You don't have feelings for you. I get I get I guess what you got buddy. You got a little something I like to call a non problem Yeah You do not have an issue that you need to address Here's the important little segment there. She was very drunk Doesn't matter. I say things it's surfaced guys say things you wouldn't believe It's astonishing. How many questions we get where my answer is just pack up and move away

and never talk to anyone involved in the scenario again because that's literally the only The only solution I have for this. Maybe that's why I've been such a globetrotter these past few years I just you keep messing up social situations. You gotta move. This is in my mind This is unfixable and you have to get out. It's called a global reset Take a chance I'm a 17 year old new zealander and over here Any showing of anger to anyone will often result in a physical fight I have the problem that I seem to either bottle it up

Uh, I've been meditating lately and it seems to help a little in thinking about things or completely far off They handle and hurt people badly. I was wondering if you guys could help. Okay. Hey, Sean Hi Hey You're uh You're talking to three guys who are raised Baptist if you're looking for guys you're tell you to not bottle it up You've come to the wrong bottle that shit. Keep it aside. You Oh, um, or get to your bottle breaks and then you get a bigger bottle

Here's one, uh, yahoo answer also sent to uh, to me by action alan. Thank you action alan. This one comes from kyle s he asks I need a list of the most practical kicks What? What oh just you wait I want a list of kicks all must be practical and where they would land so far the obvious one Front kick to groin mid area head Sorry side kick to groin mid area. I personally don't like this one because it's hard to see

Round kick to lower leg back of me all suggestions are welcome I'm not kicked to spirit Yeah, how about Below to your sub self-conscious. Hey, listen Why do you need this list? Sean, what are you doing guys? Can we get He's got the front. He's got the side. He's got the round. Okay. I considered a donkey kick A back kick as it's referred to it in some circles where uh, and a salient comes behind you

You can usually kick the front of their knee or groin area and that will that will completely take them out of the fight altogether Have you tried to spin kick spin kicks really good? How about a coolest kick you can do? How about a kick in which the point of your boot goes into their butthole? A butthole kick A well-aimed butthole kick have you tried perhaps like a reuse style bicycle kick Where you fly through the air for 10 seconds and then squeal like a pig How about an awesome kick where you literally take their head off in one clean? Yeah Have you tried the mental kick where you don't actually kick?

But they think that you do and then in three days their stocks crash What about the kick where you take your foot off and make the guy smell your foot like in a funny movie? The zoe hands the zoe hand movie that's pretty funny. Yeah, have you tried a taint kick? What a taint kick where you kick them square in the tank and it lifts them off of the ground And into the air by about three feet could I that one's really hard to do Could I suggest a kick kick which is where you kick their kick? And disrupt their kick with your kick You got to be careful though because if you don't time it right they'll kick your kick and then you're

Fuck that's a kick kick kick the triple kick the kkk Have you tried a punch kick which is where you take your shoe off and put it on your hand? You punched them with it That's a that's a pretty comprehensive list I feel yeah, I think that's all the kicks cover all the kicks I know about I guess Um Yeah, that's sometimes more painful In the long run, I mean What you need you need a starter that you can always bring with you

Uh a baby is good. Yeah a dog Or you can get a dog is good Or you can get one of those giant pinwheel lollipops Just like in the in the bus just go to town on it And then when they they're gonna look because you're being so loud with the slurping and looking And when they look just be like you want to get down on this and that's a great There's enough to get down on this sucker with me. I'm gonna be right here. These are moon shoes I want to get to know you

Always carry skis with you a bouncer. I gotta go. Um, yeah, I'm off the ski. I'm going out to uh a skiing I'm going to skiing mountain so Yahoo answers user dakota's mommy asks Help me name my mobile spray tanning business any suggestions to be appreciated It is a spray tan business where I travel to your home. Please let me know what name you like the best Caribbean tan to go

Caribbean tan to you Tropical tan to you tropical tan to go beach tan to go beach tan to you Tropic tan to go tropic tan to you Um dark dark dark skin spray here it comes Dark so's dark van and tan How this isn't like I don't think that we have a good one for her for her No, I really don't want to give up on dakota's mommy because she she's had a hard year and I think she could use Any assistance we could afford her

How about how about you you call it the um call it the dakota memorial Uh spray tanning mobile station and then people say oh, I'm so sorry did your daughter die and you look them straight in the eye and say someday And then see if they still want to spray tan I bet you they will want to look youthful and full of life and vigor More than they ever have before and you will be able to to really Get them on the uh Get them on the add-ons like the complimentary fake teeth Now I've sworn into the usmc and it turns out she likes me

But if we get into a relationship it could technically Be considered fraternization. What should I do tristan? That's some hot that's some hot shit man. This sounds like a richard gear movie. I love it Sounds like I don't know if this is scintillating. I don't I think steel like yeah Court marshal at the heart heartbreak on the waves an officer and an officer Of differing genders. Yeah important to know Yeah, I not there's anything wrong with that especially it love on the high seas you find out where you can get it, right?

um I Did you join the usmc to To be closer because if so you did not plan this shit out my man. Oh, I'll say this this is this is friend of the show Tristan he is dedicated to serving our country Um, I've been talking to him for a while now about his dedication to the country. Thanks again tristan Um doing a bang-up job of it. You're doing great Hey, how about this? How about this tristan?

We're a war How about you put your mind on your duty? No to protect me and my freedom dude Listen tristan is doing something That the three of us could never do I have a busy schedule and I need people to protect me day in and day out and tristan's thinking about Swooping poon and I need to be thinking about super osama Getting him get in the tunnels and go get him but with that constant. He might be on the water That's why we haven't found him I'm just saying that if anyone's going to take down osama

It's going to be tristan or his girlfriend is old and by which I mean Anyone suddenly tristan will be the one Now we'll make the end of that movie so much better Tristan's going to take him down His girlfriend's going to hold the camera up while he is like Hot tying him. He's going to make osama bin lad and say my brother my brother and me is the best podcast It's a test to prove how well you know them it is So yeah get them something

Get get your your bow something that is specific to him Get him a bow Get him a crossbow With what she can blunt in the wild a cross shot he shoots bow staffs A giant bow shooting cross a bow cross bow a bow cross bow a ballista a crossbow that shoots barista A crossbow that shoots baristas and then you go to jail for murder because you you just shot a starbucks employee Why did you do that? Stacey that was the worst present ever. I got you this dead starbucks employee

I got you a bum rat for murder. You're gonna want to leave the country Um Take a chance It's the only girls I find attractive are out of my league and can never Work up the courage to actually ask them out. All let me help you out with this man. Lower them standards You got them too high you're reaching for dust bunnies on the ceiling. We got shed under your couch. He needs to be dealt with Low that standard There's no such thing as out of your league, bro. Yeah, except there is

That wait wait, let me correct you. There's no such things out of your league if you're hugely physically attractive Because then anything is within your reach. Take a chance Hey, uh, y'all who answers user charlie asks christians if we did discover aliens, should we share the gospel with them? Does jesus love aliens too? It's deep I would think that it takes so much energy to love people That like he's got to have an outlet and the outlet is probably hating people from other places I love everyone on earth, but everywhere else. Fuck them. Well, do you remember um independence day, right?

The end of independence day right when uh, wil smith He fired the nuke, but it didn't go off Until a miracle happened and then I blew up the mothership and saving the place The miracle was randy quaid that miracle was jesus love blowing up aliens through randy quaid Through randy quaid randy quaid wasn't in that film The end of the year was you're too young to remember because you just remember him as a hero because you're a child You've replaced him in your mind's eye with jesus wasn't that venice quaid? Now it's randy um

He does hate he does hate people from other planets, but um at the Millennial jesus convention. He always covers it up for like he doesn't tell mars jesus that he hates Martian so it's a franchise right because i've always assumed that that's how it works ah Jupiter jesus is my new stage name by the way. You should have been there. You should have been there when they excommunicated pluto jesus It was crazy No, no jesus is for moons get out of here Pluto jesus is also my favorite anywhere for you

this summer Eddie murphy is pluto jesus Hey guys. Hey guys. I got a question. How you doing? You remember jerry You guys remember jerry could say like pretty fake when like he would be like how you doing You remember that You guys are trying not to laugh. I wish they could see you're oh you're trying really hard, but you're smirking How you how you doing

No, but seriously, how how is everybody? I win. How are you doing? I really don't want to be labeled to some kind of pervert If you guys have an easier way to tell the approximate age of a girl without simply walking out to her like a creeper And just flat out asking you a bunch of preachers Have you considered have you considered cutting her in half and counting her rings? Sitter that dj or is that all you can consider you sick? Oh, what is your life? Strat I'm I assume your worry is that you don't want to have sex with an underage girl cool

What is going on with your life strategy? That you think there's a fairly good chance You could end up boating down on a girl before you figure out what her like life situation is like before you figure out How old she is and stuff like what kind of chicken and egg situation do you have where that's your approach Also, where are you meeting these women? Yeah, I have no idea how old you are. Hey, you're at the Justin Bieber concert. Hey, yeah Maybe don't maybe don't try and pick up chicks in the davin buster's arcade room. Man. I love chicken nugget day

Do you guys love chicken nugget day? You fish that school rule. What are you doing after this? This is such a good place to come eat. I hear like five times a week. It seems like what about you guys I want to get out of here. I've got cigarettes Do any of us actually know who Prince William is and what he looks like? He's that cute one, right? He's the cute one, but he dressed up like a nazi one time, right in a halloween party I remember seeing him. He's got a great sense of humor on the sun um

He'd be like he'd be like go blimey just to know i'm down in the end to you Do you want a new fancy or a shag? He's like I don't know. Prince William. Are you sure about this? He's like go blimey, of course. Oh, yeah Do I make you horny? Yeah, it's a man Yeah, you want to go to bed? Yeah

I think you just need to look at him and say that's not my bag, baby There's so much bag All right, can we just get two more minutes of straight Austin No problem Here's what I would do I would wait until you know, she's gonna walk in her room Then you get a bucket you fill the bucket with water and then you put the water bucket Half on the door jam and half on the door and then when she opens the door it it all tumbles onto her

She'll be she'll get She'll get moist from the water in the bucket And okay, what you're saying this works both ways if she broke up with you If if she pulled a prank on you then you pointed her after the water bucket Uh falls on her and you laugh If she dumped you then you point her and say well, no one will have you now And the best you're gonna do wetty Film it and put it on youtube and said you've just made a terrible fool of yourself and then walk away. That's going viral

I'll see you this evening for dinner. We have dinner at Giovanni's A reservation. I'll see you there. Have you guys seen the bucket X? Oh, she's so foolish. No one would ever date her Uh, I'd say say I guess I just put hooking up with me back on your bucket list and then walk out That's real good. That's a good one. That's real good Oh, man. No for real though. You don't need her. She's you're too good for you. Listen to a great podcast like this Well, unless he's like a justifiable reason that she broke up with you like you need to quit doing speed Or pranks or pranks Listen, it was funny the first time but you have done the bucket in 26 times and it is old

Until you get a tattoo that says i'm the trickster supreme. I'm not gonna stop pulling pranks Michael when you die, are you gonna be sad that you didn't understand wakeboarding for a day? Or are you gonna be sad because you didn't get That spray that ocean spray in your face as you wakeboarded Your way down the coast Just get that spray get that sweet salty foamy spray Michael's in the front seat. He's driving the boat. Michael's spraying you in the face. You're waking You're in the back. You're waking. You don't even no cares in the world. Just wake and spray

Wake and wake you wake and wake you guys just got up. It's dawn and you're afraid you want to understand What's there to understand? It's two men who care about each other One of them is driving a boat and spraying the other one in the face with salty foam Just looking back at him thumbs up hey jazz. You're doing it Remember you are so afraid, but now you're doing it. Oh god. That's a great end of a movie right there Right the last line the last line of this movie screenplay is you were so afraid, but now you did it You're fucking doing it jazz get that spray That sounds like the end of a movie we'd check out from the church library when we were eight

Except I don't think they had movies called waking spray in the church library You're right. McGee Good word butter churn gang Spray salty life foam into chasis face Get that foamy spray and then talk about weird euphemisms for god Tim Tim McGraw Said it best every fucking episode with this live like you were dying You gotta get that seafoam gonna spray it on your face

Your friend looks at you knowingly you're sharing a sweet moment Hey, you know what's a good uh a great moment for the end of this inspirational movie Michael looks at chas and just kind of smiles and says hey He got a life mustache and reaches up and wipes this spray off Yeah, that would be good Yahoo answers user holly asks Is it weird to kiss your dad on the lips? Just a quick kiss on the lips. No tongue you

I do this thing. Hello. Bye. I love you, etc My sister used to do it too, but she's grown out of it now and I haven't I'm 20 BTW I love you daddy. I love you daddy. Come here. I think you're weird if you're kissing other people's dads on the lips Nope, just her daddy. She's gonna give her a low hand. What's up? Uh, did did you uh The the the good part of this situation is that is a no loss because if you kiss your dad on the lips and you think it's okay then Other people if they say hey, that's weird. You're a weird. You're a weirdo You can say why why don't you get your head out of the gunner? It's my dad

Sicko, then there are the sick ones. I think there's a way to be creepy about it No, I'm just kissing my dad on this sweet bristly lips. Don't look at me. What's up with that stay with stubble dad I don't think you know though until you do it I think everyone after they're done listening to this episode Needs to go find their pep pep and plant one on him right on his sweet lips I've been looking for a uh, a good sign off for the show for so long And I think kiss her dad square on the lips is probably square on his sweet plump lips Here we go sent in by darwin or rather the question is from darwin

Is taylor swift illuminati How am I supposed to break to this? I'm just a macaroy. I'm travis macaroy. I'm griffin macaroy And this has been my brother my brother and me You will never know me kiss your dad square on the lips I'm gonna give you something like a break today I'm gonna give you something like a break today