My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 163: The Smoochatorium

Episode Date: August 12, 2013

To those of you about to re-enter your educational instutions for another nine months of grueling brain-work: We salute you. We also provide you with a new episode of our podcast, to help get you through those long, sweaty study sessions. Suggested talking points: Nasty Family Feud, Scoping It, Kissing Experiments, Fur Necessities, Stealing Sunsets, Sajak Attack, Don't Start Susan

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, welcome to my brother, my brother being an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your baby brother, Griffin McElroy. We're just flipping through the old my brother and my brother and me calendar. Every week, it's a new picture of Robert Loja every month. It's the world's only week by week

calendar. It's more like a novel. This tells me nothing about our current chronological placement in the month or year, but it is Thursday. I know for sure it's Thursday though. Right now, it's a picture of Robert Loja in like a backpack and he's giving like a thumbs up and he's on a skateboard because that means it's back to school time here in America. Do you wear a little propeller hat? Is he carrying a Pacific Rim lunchbox? He's got like one of the like a tassel cap. It's like the best of 99ers. Shriner? No, like a, you know, like a cap, like a tassel cap. Well, because just like when you go for a job interview, you should always dress for one step

higher than you're going for. So just go ahead and dress like you're graduating college. Yeah. On the first day. Don't confuse a lot of people. Back to school time can always be intimidating if you're a teen. And we wanted to give you some advice, some unsolicited advice about how to make the most of back to school time. I watched that documentary about going back to school and like what colors to wear. It's called orange is a new black. And what I learned was don't insult the cafeteria food or they'll feed you a bloody tampon. Trav, I thought like the over under on you about to make Rodney Dangerfield a goof was like 90, 10.

The fact that you buck to those odds is like astonishing to me. Yeah. Can I left field? You know what I mean? Here's what I'd like to say. No more games. What do you mean by that? Just when you go back to school this year, no more games. Do you mean like stop playing Pokemon or like? No, just like enough fooling around, you know. Oh, you want these high scores to just be more direct. No more drama. I'm not playing with you anymore.

Teach, give me my A. Right. Well, that's not how like education works. I'm not playing anymore. No more games. I'm tired of this back and forth where I give you a paper. There's a tete at the end. You're describing, though, like the the the fundamental core of like what this facility is. Is it's not games as much as it is like the entirety of like what school? Why does education have to be gamified?

Why can't they just trust that you are learning and you trust that what they're saying makes sense and is true? I don't grade the teacher when I go in. I don't say like you do a plus. I didn't fall asleep. I mean, there are there are like surveys and like standardized testing is kind of Surveys says. Okay, but that's not a game show. But you just said no more games. So why would you want family? Well, family feud is the sport. Yeah, it's a way of life.

Hey, how about this year? And it's also cursed if you're the host. That's your first hosting job. I want to talk for a second about the hosts of Family Feud. Oh, good, good, good. Now hang with me. Okay. Because I if there's been a more diverse surfing IMDb with your host Justin McElroy. I know.

Hey kids, come with me on the magic IMDb bus. No, I know this is all from the top of my head. Okay, Ray Combs, not funny, killed himself. Okay, we don't want to. Thanks for establishing the not funny that he killed himself or that he was not funny. And no, I mean, no, it wasn't funny. Okay, so after Ray Combs died, the series went on hiatus for a while. Now, Justin, is that funny or not?

Or is that something tragic? No, not funny. That's still not funny. Okay, here's the here's the the secession as the crown has been passed. It has gone from Louis Anderson. The third. King Louis Anderson, the third. King Louis Anderson, the third. Who be?

To Richard Karn. Oh, man. Are you guys going to the fucking carnival this year? Yeah, I got my tickets. I had to I had to I had to get them on the second hand on eBay. But I think they're legitimate. They had the picture of his face on the ticket. So I think I think I'm going to be able to sneak my way into this this particular

celebrity golf tournament. John O'Hurley. Perfect. You got anything with that? It's J. Peter mid on Seinfeld. I mean, I know who the fucking guy is. You don't have to give me his other credits. And then Steve Harvey.

And then Kevin Bacon. Six steps. Have you guys watched that fucking show since Harvey's been the host of it? It has gotten ribbed. It's like, what are your favorite Easter traditions? And then they'll turn to some like old grandma and she'll be like, pissy. And then he'll be like, I don't know. And I'll turn the board and plus it would be like the top answer with 41 points.

It's crazy how gross that show has gone. They they that show has discovered more terms for a human genitals and be the other terms for sexual activity. I'm going to have to call BS on this Griffin because according to a certain entertainment database, he is a devout Christian. So I don't think that is. Well, that's what I'm saying. It's it's like the it's like the Pat Noswell clean filth.

It's like the grandma won't say pussy. She'll say like, not a who ha. And he'll be like, I don't know about and it'll be the top answer. Because people eat that shit up. Whoa, hold on, hold on, hold on. No, people eat up when there's an uncomfortable like over hypersexualization of family feud. That was those were always the episodes that people like talked about. And so Steve Harvey hatched a sinister plan where he was like,

let's get that shit in every episode or stuff. He said, I would be more likely to watch family feud if the people they surveyed would. It was all like 12 to 14 year old middle school boys. And so it's just like a top answer is farts. Or how do you show your family your love for 27 weeks? Writing the top answer is farts. Still, let's actually help a real person. No one was here about being.

I think we're providing a very valuable service to Steve Harvey right now. Steve Harvey, clean up your act. Steve Harvey, you have the 2,497th star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Get it together. You know, I was walking into my apartment. I heard a girl exclaim shit. She had dropped some groceries. She was unloading from her car and appeared to be having a hard time

carrying everything into the next building over. I thought about offering to help, but I didn't want to look like a creeper to follow her into her apartment. But then I felt like a bad neighbor for not helping with the simple task. Is it possible for a dude to offer a woman help without looking like he's hitting on her? What should I do in this situation? I'm a man in his late 20s. She appeared a little younger and was pretty cute.

And our neighborhood is okay, but a little sketchy after dark. You would have been, you would have been, you would have been fine. You would have been fine had it not been for that parenthetical. Yeah. You had to put it in there, didn't you? No, no, no. It's totally cool. I just want to help.

I don't want to look like I'm hitting on her. I mean, she was pretty cute. No, see why they think this of us. Here's the problem. Because it's easy how to do it without appearing like you're hitting on her. Don't hit on her. But can you trust yourself? Can you trust?

Because it sounds like you have some tendencies. Sounds like you don't trust yourself. Like you're going to be like, oh, don't worry. I got that. By the way, nice ass. I don't think that. Sweet melons. What?

I don't even, I didn't buy melons. I know. Talk about your sweet melons. It's a grocery joke. I got a lot of them. I also got a huge cucumber here. I did actually, I did actually buy a huge cucumber. Yeah, no, I have it.

I have the cucumber. I have it in my, I'm saying, do you want me to, do you want me to? I have more of a gherkin. Do you want me to put it somewhere? Like on my kitchen counter? I guess it's, I have like a hanging basket. I have a wits, beach, embed a man. And then it could get uncomfortable.

I have 10 wainters. Wait a minute. How do you? But only eight buns. Why did they do that? You ever noticed? But I only bought a package of nine hot dogs at the store that sells things in packages of nine.

I think the thing you have to ask yourself is, would you have felt the same inclination to help had it been like a dude in a similar circumstance? Definitely not. Well, the thing is you wouldn't have hesitated to help. I mean, I think that's what's unfortunate is, you know, if you don't want to look, I think the reason that you are worried that you're going to look like you're hitting on this woman

is that you were, I mean, you were. No, no, no. Here's the thing though. I can see it from his point of view, though, that where the fear would be in that instant where you got to make that decision of like, do I say something or just keep walking into my building? Like in this day and age, sometimes I, you know,

I completely get that like, no, if I say anything, it's going to be a creeper. And then you get inside and go, why didn't I just like say, oh, I'll help you with that? Well, yeah. Like be a good dude. You know what I mean? So like I completely get the fear and I get the worry,

even if there was no planned flirting, or I was like, oh, hey, she's pretty cute. I'm going to go help her with a grocery. When you size out a situation, when you size it up and you check out the scene, before making a decision and acting upon it, I think it's unrealistic for us to say, you shouldn't scope out the other person's physicality,

for lack of a better word. I think that's just human nature. I think you see, I think it's coded into men's DNA that like, you see a lady, you know, you know, have two arms full and having trouble opening a door, and you go to open that door and on the way, you fully scope it.

Like you fully scope it out. And not in like a creepy way. Man, I'm really digging myself a hole in biology way. Right. Well, like you're just assessing the situation. He's got eyes is what I'm saying. He's got eyes and he sees the, he sees all the things. And it's not.

This is what, what you're pointing out is just that guys are the pits. Like guys are definitely the worst. Everybody, but here's the thing. Here's the thing. It's not like he's a fucking scientist. He can't objectively look at her face and body and be like, yes, I will help her.

You know what I mean? So he's, so even if he recognizes that she's cute, I don't think that should stop him. Why didn't he include it in his question? Is, is, are we to believe that if she was less attractive, he would swoop in there and be her valiant white knight because he'd be like, don't, I'm not trying to get any play. I think, I think he included in the question

because he has an assumption that because she's cute, she probably gets a lot more attention and expects that it's a hit or maybe because he's trying to have a cute meat. Well, this is the, like you have an opportunity, I think, or you had an opportunity. Oh, you blew it and you'll never have it again forever. I don't ever have it again, but. Well now, no, now when he sees her, he just has to say,

hey, I saw you the other day with your groceries and if you ever buy too many groceries again, just let me know and I'll help you. Hey, if you ever think you were here with your groceries, but you were too pretty to help you. If you buy, if you buy too many oranges again, I'll help you. Buy too many oranges next week and maybe I won't be scared this time.

I'm going to be home about 5.30, if you want to buy too many oranges then. Let me know next time you're planning on dropping a bunch of shit. You had a great opportunity to go into the situation, help this woman and then leave. Yeah. And like reaffirm her fit, like start to rebuild this terrible debt of horribleness that we, the male half of the species

have built up over millennia. Like you could start paying back that life debt that we have by just like being nice and not hitting on somebody and just like helping them and then leaving. Especially if you look at it from the other way, that if like she saw you looking and you didn't go over to help, she's like, God fucking dick.

He saw I had too much shit. God damn it Barbara. Barbara, you have to leave this fucking city. I am, I hate this city. It's either dudes are hitting on you or they're not helping you with your too many oranges. God ouch. I bet that's how he gets off.

How? I'll say for you. Oh he just holds it over your head that you can't hold 6 gallons of milk at one time. Also you need to stop drinking so much milk. Stop buying so much milk. You can't walk anymore. She would have been flabbergasted if he had swooped in.

Been like, oh yeah, let me help you with that. And then helped her with that. And was like, all right, I'm taking off bye. Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. Was that Batman? By just being a decent human being, you can like completely rewrite someone's day. Maybe that was my grandson from the future

come back to save my life. That's the only rational explanation. He's a time traveler. Nope, there's nowhere else for that to go. Do you guys want a yahoo? This yahoo was sent in by Dale Rohrbog. Bog. Dale Rohrbog.

Thank you, Dale. It's by a yahoo answers user Ting Ting who asks, and I'm sorry if this is too weird. Do you smell a person while hugging? Be true. He adds, definitely yes. It gives you a kind of an idea of what kind of a person he or she is.

Does it? I'm trying to think of it ever like intentionally. Yeah, because that's the thing is you mean like, oh, I hug someone and you know, like I'm breathing. Yeah, that's the thing. Or like I hug someone and go. It's like when you scope it out, when you scope out a situation and you see it with your eyes,

the neurons are already in your brain. Once you perceive the thing, the neurons are going to go where they want to go. They're going to fire off the synapses that they want to fire off and then all of a sudden you know if that person's attractive or not. When you hug someone, you have smell particles going in your nose that are firing off those. Your eyes can be deceived Griffin.

Right, that's true. But smell particles can't lie. I actually have, I think that my usual MO is to, like I'll do a regular inhale, like as I'm going in for the hug, just breathing. Oh man. But then if I like, sort of, I like. Oh, you'll go in for seconds.

I'll go. You'll take a second. Hey, do you mind if I take a second scoop? Just real quick. Let me just get a second scoop real quick. Is this one for a customer? Can I have two? Can I have an, how much for an extra shot?

I feel like if you get an extra, extra within though, you definitely do have to comment. Oh man, definitely. You just have to say like, okay, can I hug the other shoulder now? I'm going to go to the right. Yeah, like the French do it. I have French do it.

Double hug. This is a serious, serious problem for men of my sinusistic who have my particular almost constant set of maladies relating to my nose zone. Which is to say, it's some kind of, it's either hay fever season or mold season or some kind of season constantly here in Austin. So I'm constantly sniffling.

And if I'm hugging someone, I mean, every 10 seconds, I have to sniff. And like if they land in that, in that period, like it is going to seem like, I'm like, Oh, hey, bring it in. Yeah, haven't seen you in a while. What? No, it's just, yeah, I've, I'm sick.

Well, then when I just embraced him, like you smell great. Just say you smell great. Everybody wants to hear that. You brighten somebody's day. I don't think it's weird. Or you've been working out a compliment. It's a great compliment when not said right after sniffing.

Because, because when somebody's fit, they put the scent that they produce is way, way, way better when they've just, I know I meant that they were working out immediately prior to the hug. Oh God. Like, so they smelled like Jim Funk. Have you guys met my friend Jim Funk?

I want to ask you guys, this is, this is related. And it's something that's been on my mind for a few days. I was watching something on TV. I don't know. But you see it all the time. And two people were meeting. The TV show?

Are they, yeah, a television program. A few people were meeting. And when they were greeting each other, the guy goes in and kisses the woman's cheek as like a greeting, right? And you see this happen. Was it his wife or his mom? No.

Okay, well then. But you see people doing. I mean, it happens. People do it. I don't know. I mean, grownups are always doing this. And I see it on television sometimes in real life. And I don't know how you would even begin

to add that layer to your social repertoire. Yeah, because I honestly, I've tried it. Like, I've, I've done a couple of, you know, just preliminary tries of the Jesus Redeemer. Just gonna take it for a spin and see how it goes. Hey, listen, I gotta hear about your dry runs. I don't want to weird you out. But do you want to experiment with me?

I want to try something out. It's like, okay, so you know that awkward moment when like someone goes for a hug and you go for a handshake? Yeah. It's like that times like eight. Because it's like. Just eight? That seems so conservative.

Griffin, I've done a lot of number crunching on this. It's eight. Because the person pulled back. The chances that someone's going to fucking headbutt you is pretty high. The person pulled back was like, that was eight times weirder than when you go for a hug and they go for a handshake.

That was exactly 800% weirder. Griffin, I took fucking statistics in college. And I do in fact know what I'm talking about. I've got a survey size of 1,000. And it was eight across the board. What? No, I said a couple. How did you, how did you, what?

Were you, were you, had you been drinking? Like what? I don't know what. I can't even imagine making this decision. I did it in laboratory conditions. Did you do one dude, one lady? Just to see how it felt like. I did 500 dudes in 500.

And it was mostly for college credit because I can't afford to pay that many people. Sure, sure. Your fucking mouth would have been busted after a thousand smooches. I had a robot. Okay. I didn't do it myself.

Right. Pretend this robot is a loved one. You haven't seen in a long time. Your acquaintances, but not lovers. Okay. Now the scene is set. How many times worse was that? Enter the smooching chamber.

The background is set. Enter the smoochatorium. Well, you don't want to skew the results, so I had to tell them they were there for a sleep. Something, something is going to happen in this room with this stranger robot that's going to make you uncomfortable. Have fun. Science.

Get your college credit on the way out. It's important that they don't know that the robot is part of the experiment though. Or else it'll ruin the truth of the experiment. Which ever see a robot, it better be a part of an experiment. Yeah. I just can't. I honestly, I can't.

I cannot. I mean, adults seem to do it so smoothly. Like when it happens. Okay. First, can I just say, you got to stop saying adults. It's grown up. Grown up to the only ones who do it. Grown folks do it.

I see adults do it. Like grown up people do it. I don't know how they get. I just, I don't. Because the weirdest thing about it for me is that whenever it happens, the recipient never seems to be surprised. So in their mind, they had already met this person in the social contract like halfway there.

Like, well, I'm expected this person might kiss me on the cheek. Have I, have there been people in my life that I have greeted that were fully expecting a cheek kiss that did not receive one? Just because it's not part of my rep. No, I think it's like saying I love you where it's like, until you do it the first time, it's never expected. And then once you do it, it's like, why didn't you say I love you? That probably has something to do with it.

And my theory, and I don't want to sound xenophobic, which I do in like almost every episode anyway, but I think that the friends that bring that element into your group of friends, I think we can probably safely label that, that element, that type of person as people who have studied abroad. I think that they bring that, that social norm back into your group of friends. And then it sort of, it spreads like a virus throughout the culture. That would make sense.

It has to be sort of like in small, like this is not something that has stratified throughout our entire cultural landscape in America. There are pockets of it where it has spread. I have been party to groups of friends throughout my travels, who like just don't physically touch each other at all. Like they don't hug or anything when they, when we would get together and hang out. And then all of a sudden, one new person would be added to the group. We'll call him Hug and Dan.

And Hug and Dan would start hugging people, and then all of a sudden the people in that group are like, hey, hugs are pretty cool. It's cool to hug a friend. And then- It's nice to connect with another human being. With like a lot of your body all at the same time. And then all of a sudden it's a hugging group of friends.

I think that's what happens with the cheek kiss, except it's the person who does it is like way, way bolder than a hug and Dan. They're a smooch in Steve. If you want to be a common smooch in Steve, it's very important that you make eye contact first, and maybe put your hands on their shoulders to like establish like this is happening. And then wait 30 seconds.

They don't move, they're into it. It's just, it's just- You gotta wait till you feel an opening in their kinetic energy, and then you're invited in. The fucking complications that it adds. Because like when we do like, when someone new is hanging out with our group, or hugging group of friends,

I have that moment where like we hang out with them all day, and like I get to know that I'm like, you are a tight bro, and we are gonna be bros for a long time. I can just tell it in this connection. But we've only known each other for one day. Do I hug you when you leave? Here's how you do it.

Oh, this is how you figure out this. I've got an answer for it. You have to hug somebody else that you're already hugging friends with. Yeah, and then he sees it. And then look at this dude, and you go, ah, fuck it, come here. Okay, yes, that's true.

It's choppy waters, but they're navigable. When kisses are up in the mix. Then you gotta have one partner in crime that's like, listen, I'm gonna kiss your cheek, and then I'm gonna fucking instigate it around. And people will see us do it, and be like, that's not weird, they did it. Just don't understand where you're at in your life

with that risk-reward balances out. I am so good at socializing that I'm gonna challenge my game. Like, I'm gonna bump it up and make it harder for myself, because it's just too easy right now. When you say risk, you mean the chance that maybe they might choose that moment

to go in for a cheat kiss for you, and then you're actually making out. When I say risk, I mean, literally any mouth-related catastrophe that has ever occurred to anybody in your life. And they end up on their ear. What do I do now? What am I doing? I'm nibbling.

I'm nibbling gently. What am I doing? My tongue's in their eye. I had a stroke midway through, and now my mouth is on their nose, forever. Let's also acknowledge the fact that Travis, in two months, you're gonna be a married man,

and for all be a married man, Justin, you've been a married man for like 50 years. We can't get into adultery, like now. We can't get into adultery, because that is what that is. Your mouth touches another person's flesh. That is sin in the eyes of the Lord. I am not trying to fuck with that.

Guys, I'm a 20-year-old furry, the squeaky clean charity doing kind, who's planning to buy a fur suit to go to fur meats and charity events in. Okay, first, I just want to interrupt real quick and ask the question, is this a real thing where in the furry community,

you just put fur before everything? Or is this a gentleman just doing it? Furries, I think we've made ourselves pretty clear that we're supporters to your lifestyle and your whole thing, we're into it. I don't think you need to clarify that everything you do is fur-related. Like, if I'm going to...

And I might have some fur drinks at the fur bar. Yeah, I don't go to, like, a tuxedo party. I just go to, like, a ball. I don't buy a clothes suit. I just buy a suit. But anyway, let's move on. A fur suit, I think, is actually a valuable qualifier. I will grant you fur suit.

Okay, that's important information. Anyway, I have wanted one since I joined the fandom and I'm now able to purchase one, working 24 hours a week in 90-degree weather at Home Depot. Jesus. Uh, the suit will cost $2,300. What the fuck? This person's working a lot.

Give him a break. I know that I guess great that you have $2,300, but that's a fucking moped. That's, like, all kinds of... Why is a fur suit that expensive? Because it's made by a world-famous maker. Oh, okay. I should have let you finish the sentence.

Go ahead and finish the sentence. Thanks. I'm a 20-year-old furry. The suit will cost $2,300 and is made by a world-famous maker. My parents, however, hate my plan. They tell me wanting the suit is stupid and a waste of money. Please note that my brother, who is a year younger than I am, is allowed to buy expensive cigars,

even though my grandmother recently died from lung cancer caused by second-hand smoke. Should I really listen to my parents or ignore them and achieve my long, sought-after prize fur suit funk? Okay. I'm just gonna throw this out to you that that's a missed opportunity in the name there because it should be for suit of happiness.

That's great. So, I have a lot of questions. And total understanding, total acceptance, no judgment. We are... We are... We open doors policy here at the Brother Institute. I did not know, and again, this is... As my...

This is a learning journey I'm on with the furry community. Um... I did not know that there was such a thing as a world-famous maker of furry suits. I'm imagining like a Donatella Versace, but only... No, there's designer. I think you mean Donatella Versace. Oh, fuck me.

I'm saying that I would... I would re-subscribe to any cable plan that any cable company wanted me to be on in order to watch furry project runway. Can I get... Say yes to the fur dress. Any show about furries at all I would watch in a heartbeat. I'm not really a true life.

I want to see one that celebrates a lifestyle. Yeah, I don't want it like Gypsy Wedding show. I want it to be like, look how fucking awesome and dope these people are. Much more confident these people are in their life than you. And what do you do? That's so great. What do you do?

You get nervous if your shorts don't match. That guy's dressed like a badger. Fuck you. So, here's my question. And I think that this applies to a lot of different lifestyle things. I know what you're going to ask, Travis. Is Dead Mouse a furry? And I've wondered this myself for a really long time.

What have you come to? His head has robot parts in it, so I think he's part of a different community. I think he's part of... You're saying he's a steam furry. He's a sigh fury. No, that sounds like a scary thing. My question is,

do you need to swing for the fences right out the gate with your first fur suit? Oh, that's a good point. Go for the designer 2300 one. That is actually not a bad question, Travis. I once told myself that I was going to get into the juicing lifestyle, that I was going to try like a juice fast, and I made it to the afternoon,

and it didn't go great, and I hated it. But I had... But because I was like making an investment in this lifestyle, I had bought like a juicer that cost like $150, and now it just sits in my basement. If you want it, let me know how it's sitting. Well, especially at 20, man, like you're working hard for this money,

and I know you want to spend it on this thing, but you know, maybe around like 26, you'll be a lot more financially stable, and that's the time to invest in the really top of the line model. Plus, maybe you don't like your furry after what? Maybe you like want to try being a lion or something. That's a good point. I mean, is there some sort of,

and again, no judgment, learning education. Is there like a tribalistic, like, oh, me? Like a pack mentality? No, not pack mentality. Like, do you have a fucking like spirit animal in the furry community? And then you're like, my shit is all about Arctic wolves. Oh, are you saying like, I, you know, I'm a possum,

and I've just always been a possum, and I've never realized it? No, I'm not saying, I don't think it's- I kind of like dogs. I don't think the identity like goes that deep, where it's like, I'm a dog. I think that it's, there's an acknowledgement of that they are a human in a dog suit.

I don't think that they actually think they're a dog in a human body. But I'm saying like, it's not something where you pick the animal. It's like the animal has- Cause that would be confusing at the fur meats. Cause it'd be like, what happened to that fucking awesome looking horse that, oh, no,

he's a squid now. Shit. Yeah, that would be, that would be- First off, please, friend, don't let your parents figure into this. You're the one busting your ass. It's your money. And you're 20 years old.

Please just buy whatever you want. We're just saying, if it's your first one, why not- First. First, why not spend a little less money get something that's not, you know, quite as good. And then we build to that. Just looking for a test drive.

You know, if something else just like, give yourself a year and be like, yeah, there's definitely one that I want. And now I'm gonna fucking invest. You know, I'm saying all this, but I don't know if like, I don't know if that's offensive. Like, I don't know if it's offensive, the idea that you're just like,

get a new fur suit when you want. Like, I'm wondering if it's like, there's more of a tie there. You know what I mean? Then I, then I know about like it's, it's something much more with more gravitas than just like a suit that you wear. There's more of a connection that you can't just dispose of.

I think for me, it's just like, even at this point in my life, I'm almost 30. And like, if someone said, do you want to buy a car for $2,300? I'd sit back. Oh, I don't know. That's a lot of money. I'm just saying it's just like a huge,

it's just a huge chunk to commit, especially, especially. And I know that they shouldn't figure into it, but like, if you've just hit the $2,300 mark and buying this will drop you to zero. What? You know what I mean? And what about, what if you pay $2,300 and then you put it on and just all you can hear in your heads,

it's itchy. I'm itchy and it's hot. I hate this. What if this person has been waiting for like a year and a half. They made this appointment a year and a half ago to see this world famous. So what if this is like fucking Hatori Hanzo steel? Like what if this is like, this is his one shot.

This is their one shot to get this sweet ass Hatori Hanzo suit. Fur suit. That's a Hatori Hanzo eel. Do you know what I mean? Like this, this maybe once in a lifetime. That fur suit just chopped the baseball in half. That's ridiculous. No, I know what you're saying.

I mean, it is definitely throwing your hat over the fence. As far as like. And that hat costs $800 because it's part of a $2,300 ensemble. I think into the day, like Justin said, just don't let your parents figure into it. Like it's your life and you're the one making this decision. You're going to be living with it. You're doing it.

So like, don't worry about what they say because it's not their life. And you're, you know, an adult. Follow up question. I'm sorry to have so many questions. I hope people know it's not coming from a place of judgment. It's all about education and learning. And that you're asking us. And I'm asking you and you guys are both dummies.

Um, but when I worked during the summers as WTCR, our daddy's radio station, their mascot, Calabunga, in which I would dress up as a cow suit. I guess my overall question is, am I a furry? No, I did it too. And I would be happy to, I mean, if I had an end with the community like that, like I was a furry before they were even called that. Yeah.

Um, I would be willing to bet. I'm just going to guess that there's a big difference between being a person who puts on a suit because you're getting paid to do it. Yeah. And being a part of a community that says, this is my lifestyle. In my defense for disclosure, whenever I wore this suit, I would walk around screaming, I am a cow, moo and shit.

Cow, cow, cow, cow, cow. Also in this person's defense, that fucking suit didn't cost $2,300. That suit maybe cost $52 at Magic Makers. And imagine wearing that to a fucking firm meat. Like, hey guys, can I play? I'm wearing a jumpsuit made of felt and my head is very shitty paper mache. I'm one of you. Like you're wicked not.

This suit cost me 10 Gs, cost me 10 stacks. It's got working gills. This is a, this is an actual suit I can swim in in the ocean forever. It's got gills in it and shit. The best part about the cow among the suit is there was an upgrade made at some point where it also included an ice vest to try to keep yourself cool and comfortable inside the suit. So the experience was really, it was unparalleled. You would have frozen nipples and sweaty everything.

Daddy, why is it, well, what daddy, why is the cow not moving? Oh, his heart stopped. It was fro, his body temperature was reduced to a point where his heart stopped. It's actually very interesting, son. Let me tell you about the science behind it. There were, there was also two forms of cowabunga, the skinny form. And then the fat form that included like this foam kind of fill out. Shake like a bell.

Do you have, did you work? Yeah. All right. You did. I was also in the key coyote and the B 97. Fuck, you're, you're like fur credentials are like on point. Listen, I'm, I'm, I'm no Johnny for lately. You know what I mean?

I didn't know what you mean. We're all furries and if we're going to buy a new suit, we've got to get paid. It's going to be Monday. It happened again. Are you going to tell us like what, or? It's my balls. I don't believe it. You know, I turned my back on them for 30 seconds and they just start wandering on.

Hold up. How the fuck did you physically turn your back on your balls? Well, that's, I turned my back on my balls and they just start wandering. More pressing question. Do you dedicate every hour of the day, save for 30 seconds to just staring intently at your balls and making sure they don't get up in it? Don't go anywhere.

I have to. I'm so tired. It's the only option I have because as soon as I turn my back on them, they just start wandering all over my body. Isn't there a service you could pay or something to like do that for you so you like get some sleep or like enjoy a meal? Got to be a better way. Well, good news that I know I'm the one with the problem.

There's a wizard that lives in the forest that can cast a spell that can charm your balls to sleep. And this is a service that you can sign up for at extremestraints.com. It is not better extremestraints.com. You could buy a cage for your penis that keeps it on, that keeps it exactly where you want the circle. Now, Justin, I don't want to split hairs, but you did say balls. Listen, if you don't want to split hairs, you should stay away from the cage that goes around

your penis. It's got a little lock on it. It's the CB6000S Chastity device. Oh, the 6000S is out? Yeah, it's finally out of Japan. It's finally here in America. It comes in a lot of different sizes. Don't listen.

Just be honest with yourself when you buy it, OK? There's no metal for getting the biggest one. And it's got a hinge for added comfort, which seems counterintuitive a bit. And they made a little prison for your dick, but it's got a very nice window in it so your dick can like see outside. There's a little pillow in a private bathroom. It's nice. It's just one of like thousands, maybe millions of sex toys at extremestraints.com.

Adult entertainment devices. They have a little bit of everything, no matter what the fetish or whatever thing that makes you sex better. They've got it. You know what I love? If extremestraints just threw like a couple of products on there that just like that there was no sexual application for just so as people are browsing through, they're like doing it and they get like a skip it.

Oh, so I could find a fucking way to. I could find a way to fuck with that. I've always I've always wanted to challenge my dexterity. While while. Great news about extremestraints.com is that by entering the coupon code sexabunga, you can save 20 percent on your order. That helps to support our show and it helps to support your sex. I just realized that the coupon code we invented, the amazing coupon code,

might actually be guilty of intellectual property theft of the WTCR cow mascot. Cowabunga. So head on over to extremestraints.com. You can get yourself a vibrator, a cage for your penis, whatever you want, whatever you need. They've got it and you can go right now. So thanks to extremestraints.com for supporting our show and thanks to you for getting your sex better. Can I recreate every scene from Orange is the New Black with my dick prison? Yep.

Yeah, cool. My PP looks like the girl from that 70s show, so that's perfect. My name is Graham Clark. My name is Dave Shumka. I'm the other guy who hosts Stop Podcasting Yourself. And I'm the other guy that hosts Stop Podcasting Yourself. We are from Canada, so we don't know many of your ways. But what we do know is quality podcasting.

And whale blubber. Yeah, there's 50 different words for podcast in our language. We would say all 50 of them, but why don't you just listen to our show and you'll get, you'll get the gist of what we're about. We bring a guest on, we talk about their lives. We talk about our lives. We talk about things they've overheard. It's a great time.

And you know what? You're not going to regret it. Stop Podcasting Yourself. Available from MaximumFun.org or on iTunes. Brrr. That's what we say in Canada when we're cold. Farm wisdom. Farm wisdom.

Get your cow into a suit. Farm wisdom. Oh, what if you put your cow in a person's suit? Uh, yeah, I'm a humie. I'm a skin. I'm a flesh-o. What would they be called? Humies?

Humies, maybe, I guess. I'm a humie. Cows are proven to have, oh no, you know what Travis, you should reform wisdom. That's your thing, I think. Cows are proven to have best friends. If they're separated from each other, they get stressed and their milk yields suffer. That's from Victoria. I, I don't know why, but I find that fucking like heartwarming.

Oh, it's amazing. I actually watched a, there's this documentary on Netflix about, I think it's called Animal Odd Couples, and it's about like, this dog and this cheetah are best pals. And they, so to interview zookeepers, they're like, yeah, I don't know what fucking happened. This dog and cheetah just started hanging out together, but you knew that they just put them in a cage like, let's see what'll happen. You know, they went through like 14 dogs and six cheetahs before they found the right mix. Griffin, I cannot imagine how bad of a day you have to have before you decide that you

deserve Animal Odd Couples. We watched a very bleak marathon of Homeland, and I was like, we gotta fucking boost these spirits. Let's watch a monkey on a dog. Travis, any other farm wisdom this week? Yeah, I want Griffin to read the second one. This one is sent in by Laura. Thank you.

She says, if you want to get rid of a groundhog, pee in its hole. It will move to a better neighborhood. Oh, the property values around here have just plummeted ever since Jeff peed in our burrow. I feel like a bad element's moved in ever since Jeff peed in here. Hey, Jeff, what are you doing? Hey neighbor, hey neighbor, I'm just gardening. Yeah, I just put in my last mortgage payment today.

We owned it. Oh, fuck. Ah, Jeff. Just repainted the kid's room. I'm pretty happy. Ah, damn it, Jeff. At least the smell's going to go, oh, you ate a sparrow. Ah, fucking Jeff.

You know how earlier today I was telling Jeff about our groundhog problem? Ah, god damn it, god damn it, Julia. I told you not to tell Jeff about our groundhogs. Always outside already. Son of a bitch. I kind of feel like that's a catchall way to get anything to move out of the neighborhood. Like is there an animal that like you pee in its burrow and it's like, nice. Nice.

Probably prairie dogs, fucking nasty ass rodents. Let's get some piss up in here. Yeah, now the party's really getting started. We're all freaks. You know rattlesnakes are getting dirty. We love it. You guys want a yahoo? Please.

This yahoo was sent in by Bobby Mitchell. Thank you, Bobby. That's why yahoo answers user demonica who asks, Do these guys want to steal my horse? It's very complicated, but I'm going to try my best of what's happening. I got a healthy, sorry, I already fucked up. I got an healthy racehorse. He's four and beautiful and calm is anything.

He's a dream horse. So anyway, there's a group of lads. So they keep on pointing my horse out in the field or in the stable. They asked me if he was mine today. I was on a hack out with him and the guys keep their eyes on him. And when they noticed I was watching them, they turned the other way. So when I came back to the stables, they were outside my stable door and said, Oh, he's beautiful, isn't he?

But there's something suspicious about their behavior, right? They also won't stop beating it. I also noticed when I'm riding in the arena, they watch him in a far distance outside the gate. So any idea of why they seem more attached to my horse? Are they flirting? Other people are also interested in him, but they don't do what they do. So I'm finding their actions very suspicious.

What should I do? She means are they flirting with her? God, it's hard to tell. By lads, she may actually mean four other horses. Like horses are following her horse around going to steal this horse. It'll be like horse taken. You know, I think that any, I think she might be projecting a little bit. She just loves that horse so much

that she assumes ever when else would want to get into this dream horse. Get into it, like get, you know, like get. They just want to take a, you know, they want to get inside, like sit in the passenger seat. Right, right, right. Get into its whole scenario. They think, hey, like, like you could, you know, really get into it. Like that scene in Ace Ventura when nature calls me,

he's inside the rhino. God, if we could go one episode. No, I don't mean like literally into, I mean, like, like when you go to the car dealership is like, I can get you into a new sedan. What's it going to take to put you inside this horse? You know, I don't think a horse can have a sidecar, Justin. If that's what you're, if that's what you're suggesting.

Does AC come standard on this horse? Is this a standard or automatic horse? I see. Can you even steal a horse? Like, if you can, the worst thing you can do is sit there and go, that's a beautiful horse. No, you know what? It's a lovely horse.

What kind of oats does he eat? Any kind of special oats? Do you lock the barn or how would I steal them? Just hypothetically. The problem with the idea of stealing a horse is because it implies that you can own a horse. And as we all know. Not possible.

Nobody can own a horse. They are like freedom incarnate. You can. You steal a dream. You can. You steal a hope. You can at best. You can form a partnership, a voluntary partnership with a horse.

But there's no title involved in the process. And if anything, it's a tenuous agreement. Can you steal a sunset? Can you? Travis. Answer the question, Travis. Sorry. Answer my question about sunsets.

Yes. In oceans 14. Why is it so dark? It's like fucking. We're stealing the sun. You fucking lost it down the ocean. We're going to get killed. We're going to get killed by the mafia unless we bring them the sun.

We just need to build the ladder big enough. Okay. You smell like poop and you haven't cut your hair in six years. Bum bum. We got to get the Asian guy to jump up to the sun. Brad Pitt's carrier won't stop eating human flesh. We got to fold him up and hide him in a rocket. Hide him in the rocket that NASA sends up there and then he'll jump to the sun.

So Brad Pitt, did you get 14 people to help with this mission? No, like everybody thinks it's kind of dumb. It's kind of a bad mission, I think. Because they don't see how we make any money off of it, which I think is short-sighted, but I do see their point. The only guy we got was Scott Kahn. He's not doing anything. I told him lunch would be provided and he was in.

His identical brother Casey Affleck was busy. I don't think you can steal. I think the horse won't be cool with it. That's the thing. I imagine it's hard to steal something that actively wants to return from whence it came. Like because what good is that you got a horse that you could never like put out in the field or she's gonna be like peace going back to where the apples are. You have to indoctrinate that.

You have to brainwash the horse. It's got to be very much like homeland. You know what I mean? I'm not saying beat the horse until it loves you, even though that is basically the only interaction that a stupid humans understand with those horses. I'm saying. I don't think that since horses have the sort of

homeward bound instinct that you guys want them to have. I don't think that if you get a horse in Colorado, horses are going to be like, well, back to Ohio for me. If a horse is going to run back to Ohio, you better help their own apples in between those two. As the crow flies, they have better not pass any apples because that horse will stop and live there. If you're going to steal the horse, you have to form a partnership with it.

I am going to try and do this because I don't have the money to do this. You got to throw down some necks first, right? You got to insult the horse a little bit. And that's how you get the horse interested in you. So you say like, oh, I don't think you run very fast. Your mane isn't glorious and beautiful, like the most beautiful head of human hair. And then you give them some oats.

Griffin, you're just cribbing stuff that you learned from the giddy up artist. Imagine like a little jockey with this big stupid hat. Do you know that show is filmed in Austin? Those fucking dooshers left like an irreparable scar on this city. I'm surprised that anybody can pick up anybody for any reason. Ever. Ever. Hey, brothers, I just started a new minimum wage job

and my mom won't stop asking how it went. I like my job, but nothing really happens at the bakery. How do I include her in my life without boring her? That's from vague and vacant. Would she ask you to say, you know, Megan Doe? And you do that enough and she'll stop asking. Oh, man, it's been in my, like, speaking from experience, I can say that when questions ask about boring shit,

then our answers are usually pretty exciting. I mean, you can make stuff up. You can lie. How was your day? It was fucking wild, mom. Oh, let me, you're not going to believe it. Pat Sajak came in. Pat Sajak came in.

That's burned the place to the ground. That's your, that's just lost, lost his shit. That's your big day? Took three people to wrestle into the ground. He was foaming at the mouth. He was riding a stolen horse. He jumped through a plate glass window. I thought I would hear about it.

And he just kept, he just kept screaming, Poppernickel. Why wouldn't I hear about this in the news? It's a big government coverup. Apparently he had escaped from a government testing facility where they were testing cheek kissing and he just fucking lost it. I don't think that this is, I think you're... Mom, mom, try this free sourdough I brought here.

Is this Lace? Sorry, mom, you knew too much. This is a funny show. I like this podcast. Oh man, this is a great thing about having three guys on it is like every once in a while, one of us can just sort of, it's usually me. Yeah, if you need to rotate out, you just go back to the back of the line.

It's like, I say something funny and you guys just, we need to schedule. We've been putting it off for a long time. So I was color-coated in our weekly calendars. I feel like at the beginning, we needed all three of us to be working constantly, but I feel like we're getting closer to peak efficiency or peak not giving a shit.

So we may want to just revisit that whole schedule thing. I love it. Read the next question, it sounds like it'll be good. Regularly, I'll be having a conversation with someone and they'll drop the combo of excessively complimenting me and criticizing themselves. I'm never sure how to respond in this situation. I've tried complimenting them back, telling them not to be so hard on themselves

or ignoring their criticism and just accepting the compliment, but it all feels hollow and weird. There are three people in my life who do this all the time, one of whom is my boss slash advisor, who I work closely with. What should I do when this comes up? That's from so hard on yourself. I would also say that if you have three people and it sounds like you're only required to actually spend time with one of them,

then you have an opportunity to drop at least two of them from the roster. And the way you do that is you have them talk to each other and they form a recursive, compliment, criticizing cycle that never, they talk to each other until they both die of old age. And then you only have one to deal with. You can also easily cut them out by when they're like, no, you're pretty and I'm ugly. You go, yep.

Yep, check out my style. That's not your thing. I've smacked for days. And you're kind of a dumpo. You're kind of a dump. Yeah, this is dumper. This is tough because you don't, I mean, on the one hand, you don't want to give, you don't want to reinforce this behavior

by giving the person what they seek, which is a bunch of compliments. What's the second half of that? That's it. I mean, you don't, that's it. I mean, what's the alternative is you have to sit there and tell them that, yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, you got it about right. Well, because psychologically, the other problem is,

is that if you do it, not only are you reinforcing behavior, but it also drives home for them that the only reason they're getting complimented is because of this and it actually hurts their self-esteem in the long run because it's like, they wouldn't have complimented me if I hadn't asked them to. I think you're, and you know what I mean? And it becomes a bigger problem. Your only response is, I think, a broad sweeping generalization about just the futility of everything.

So they're like, I'm just, I'm so ugly and you're so pretty and I wish I could look like you. Like, well, I mean, my looks are gonna fade, looks always fade, until we are returned unto the loam. But in the long run, I mean, we're all just dust anyways, right? Think about it. We're all just a big cosmic joke. Matter's default state is chaos. Think about it.

Our lives are just a fucking blink of an eye in the grand scheme of it. My good looks have also pretty much ensured that nobody's ever going to help me pick up my groceries. So. So my life is pretty much shit too. Maybe think about that a little, a little bit before you start whining. Maybe ask them, ask them more questions about why they feel the way they feel. Just kind of get, try to get to the root of it, you know? Oh, why do you feel that?

Well, why do you think that? Like a psychoanalyzation. But it could be like, why do you feel that way about your own looks? And they could be like, elephantitis, dude? Like, like, look at me. Fucking come on. Acid incident, you dick. Also, you're Charlize Theron.

So like, that's why I made that comparison. So like, that seems pretty obvious. Oh, what about this? Is this helpful advice? Just, just fact check me here. Okay. Just start complimenting them before this cycle starts. So when you see them be like, hey, is that a new haircut, new shirt?

You look great today. And they'll be like, but they'll find the thing. They'll be like, yeah, but I'm real dumb. And then they'll be like, well, fuck, I'll have to. Well, then if that happens, if that happens, you're completely just fine. I'm like, Susan, just gave you a compliment. Don't do that.

That's, that's the perfect thing. Susan, don't fucking undercut me on this. I said your new shirt looked nice. You always start talking about your butt or something. And I hate it. Susan. Classic Susan. This is, this is like pure Susan.

This is unfiltered fresh from a mountain spring. Maybe you go even deeper with Susan. Instead of, instead of inception complimenting her, when you go in for a hug and a cheat kiss, when you're in there, you lean into her ear and you say, don't even fucking start Susan. Susan, don't even get fucking started. And then you pull back. This may seem like the day this is not the day for your shit.

This is my house now. Susan, we're all. The dynamic done changed. We're all working real hard, Susan, to put up with, to put up with Susan. So why don't you give us one day's respite from your shit. Susan, look around you. You are standing on a razor.

This is the edge of her razor and you are on it. Also, just real quick, I wanted to tell you that you smell delicious. Do you have on Dr. Pepper lip gloss or what is that? It is enchanting. Susan, you smell enchanting and today is not the day for your shit. But don't get me wrong. Enchanting lip smell or not, a fucking inch. Now, Susan, I don't want you to get freaked out,

but I'm going to try something. Did it. What's that good? And then meanwhile your coworkers are going, she's been talking to her boss for like 20 minutes in her ear. I don't know what's going on. I think she wants a raise. Did she just kiss her on the cheek?

Let's get that started. Let's all do it. Best friend club. Craig, Craig, come here. I'm going to try something. I just saw, I just saw Jenny do it to Susan. It's great. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Hey, Craig. Don't fucking start. Craig, I wish I could just live on your shoulder. You smell so much better than Susan. Don't tell Susan. Don't smell Susan.

I'm right here. Susan, Susan. Come here. Bring your head closer to Craig's head. I'm going to, I'm going to conference you in. Smell Craig real quick. Now smell yourself. Craig smells like cronuts.

I love it. Do we eat cronuts today, Craig? I think I love Craig. Guys, I have an announcement. I think I love Craig. This just in Griffin loves Craig. And you know who we love? We love you for listening to our advice show.

My Brother, My Brother, and Me. We hope you've had a good time here today. Thank you to everybody tweeting about the show. Emma Yardley, Evan Weston, Rebecca, Anne, your good pal Charlie, Vaughn Pinpin, Phil Davis, Carl W. Daniel, Adam Schwalley, Joshua Scott-Ricker, everybody. Thank you so much.

You can follow us at mbmbam. Tweet with the mbmbam hashtag. And just keep us in your heart. We, if you want to shoot us questions, I don't think we've given out our email address in a long time. It's mbmbam at maximumfund.org. You can send us questions. You can send us yahoo's.

Thank you to everybody who sent in yahoo's this week. Also, check out the other shows on maximumfund.org. There's a ton of great super free comedy podcasts, like Throwing Shade, Drawing Jesse Ghost, Stop Podcasting Yourself, Wayne Van Pauw, One Bad Mother, Bullseye, Judge John Hodgman, Risk at the Memory Palace. And Saul Boners.

Saul Boners. Is that show still on? Got him. It's not what it's called. I think it's called Saul Boners. It's called Saul Boners. It's a medical history show. I do it with my wife.

And it's great. And it's better than this dumb show. At least you'll fucking learn something. Listen, by the way, Justin, I feel like you've been stealing a lot of our market share. Yeah. We need to talk. We'll talk about that off the air, but...

If you want to have a spot on our money zone, just go to maximumfund.org forward slash jumbotron. You can get a personal message. You can get a message for your business or website. Or if you work for an organization or are yourself a one person organization, then you can have a super professional one, just like we do for Extreme Restraints every week.

Yeah. If you want to do a personal message where you talk about how much you love Extreme Restraints line of products, that would actually be great for us, just on a time-saving level. Think of us is what we're saying. Just think of us when you give us money to talk about you.

I also want to thank John Roderick in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. Got a lot of complaints during the early years compilation. They're like, where's that John Roderick in the Long Winters song? And I said, I'm sorry. I don't know what Justin was doing. I was just trying to take it retro for one episode.

Just one episode. It's old school. Yeah. Why are you so eager to move away from the past? Or why are you so afraid with the future? Because I sounded like a fucking nerd bird back then, and I don't know why. He had a lot of grown up to do, to beat yourself up.

I guess that's true. You want one final Yahoo? Please, I'm ready. This one final Yahoo was sent by Jonathan Baud. Thank you, Jonathan. It's by Yahoo Answers user Livapud, who asks, what is cilantro? I'm Justin McRoy.

I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. It's been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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