My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 164: Gaperboy

Episode Date: August 19, 2013

On this week's MBMBaM, Travis incepts a new mammal and we provide some unsolicited dancing tips. Also, we've been drinking, which we never do, but we did it this time, so you get to take that journey with us. Oh! Special guest question! Suggested talking points: A basement teddy bear that tries to kill you, Lil' Judge Lance Ito, wedding proposal must see like share subscribe with friends, Jeremy the Jackal, David Bowie's butthole, an EMP for boners.

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother Meen, and my show from the Modronera. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your maleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweetest, sweetest baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Uh, and today we're celebrating the discovery of a new mammalian.

The launch. Can we call it the, today is the much anticipated release. You've seen the trailers, and today we are finally ready to launch. This is the street date. This is the mammal's street date. A lot of people have been asking, what's this mammal gonna do for me? Is he gonna produce lots of sweet, sweet, low-cal, gluten-free milk that I can, that I can buy at the Whole Foods? Maybe. We haven't drank this bitch's milk yet. Will he be Bluetooth compatible? So, uh, before the program, we were discussing different topics that we could discuss in this

opening segment. Uh, and I said there was a new mammal in the mix. Griffin had heard about it. Travis hadn't, at which point he insisted he didn't want to hear about it because he wanted to guess. Now, just to be clear, there's an undiscovered species of animal, unknown to humanity, and Travis is going, is going to, yeah. Travis should, Travis should be like, uh, an epidemiologist or something, like, Travis, cancer. Can, can spit some fire at us? Just, let's just, I'm gonna start you with cancer and let's just see what you got. Uh, let me guess. Let me, okay, hold on. All that aside, I need one, I just need one bit of information.

Okay. Where was it discovered? It was discovered in Ecuador or Colombia. I think, uh, let me mention real quick, before we say anything else, this is a rare evening recording, uh, and at least two-thirds of the podcast have been drinking, so it's going to be a good one, but just for some context there. Oh, that was, that was one of us just blew in our breathalyzer. And then I was like, don't drive. That's the chime that stands for funny. Keys, please. Hand them to me. Record. You're not good to go. I am going to say a barefooted monkey. You're not, you're not so far off,

although I guess you are super far off because we did, we lowered the phylum down to mammal. No, but I'm just, I'm gonna say, when I say barefooted, not only it's not wearing shoes, I mean, like, it's a monkey with, like, B-E-A-R feet. Did you get that spotlight? Yeah, with bare-like feet. What we got is the Olinguito. It is a raccoon with the face of a teddy bear. All right, first of all, first of all, we've been, we've been getting sold a fucking false bill of goods all day by the science, by the Christian science monitor that's like, oh, look at this adorable thing. I don't want to, I don't want to throw a shade at this new mammal,

but I'm not really feeling it. Like, it's not fair, it's not all that cute. And look at those fucking claws. I think I'm like, I'm afraid of this. Hold on. So into the Olinguito right now. Travis, let me know what you think, because I think it's, uh, fully. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Christ. You're scared? Sounds like Travis on my side. Look at his eyeballs. Are you kidding me? That's not the face of a teddy bear. It's the face of the devil. You know, it's the face of a teddy bear that wants to kill you. Yeah, it's the face of a teddy bear that goes, I'll leave me alone with your kids. Like in my unproduced sequel, the child's play, Cubby's play, where a teddy bear comes to life. I hate to be disparaging against any, any mammal,

especially one that like a mammal really needs a few months on the market for people to like really put the, put the wheels to the road, really test this animal out. But I think this Olinguito's got a butter face. It does. Could they not have picked one picture where he wasn't staring dead eyed into the camera? It does make you wonder how he missed it for so long. He is literally looking directly at the camera. And we have two pictures. Yeah. How'd that happen? They said it was hiding in plain sight. And you know what, science, what are we fucking paying you guys for? Somebody opened like their bread cabinet and it was like, Oh shit. How did you remember to feed the Olinguito today? Uh, no, let me just, have we fucking filed this dude yet?

Honey, we put him in the encyclopedia yet? And in the, in the scientist's defense, every time you walk past an Olinguito, it says, I'm an eagle. That does. Uh, anyway, we have lots of people to help. And I don't think you're saying the animal's name, but you make it sound like a delicious Italian pasta dish. Olinguito, it's Spanish. It's, it's cause it's derived from, it's a, it's a smaller version of, uh, of John Leguizamo. What? Someone's playing guess who with this podcast. And with that, they just figured out who's drunk. It's a small version of an Olingo. So an Olinguito. Cause Olinguito is the Spanish. Anyway,

let's help people. That's why judge Lanzito means the small judge. Little Lance. Whoa. I wouldn't watch a cartoon show called Lil Judge Lanzito. Lil Eato. Hey, it's my buddy, K Tito. Anyway, I don't know how to seal the deal on the dance floor. Whether or not I'm a terrible dancer is up for debate, but I have a good time when I'm out on the dance floor by myself or with a buddy. The problem is when I catch a girl's attention and begin dancing with her, I lose my momentum. Where am I supposed to look while I dance with her? Do I strike up a conversation? Should I ask her if she wants a drink? I just can't seal the deal. And after one song, they all leave. It's for Gmail. I can, I can answer one of those questions

real quick and easy. Do not strike up a conversation. No, no, even if you're the best, if you're Savion Glover out on that dance floor, you can't be like, Hey, sup, just stick to the dancing. I think So you from around here? You love this jam? That's like the international language of love is, you know, the salsa. Also, don't start singing along and stand in place because I did that for way too many middle school dances and it does not pay off. Oh my God. That's where like, I'm realizing that I just realized I don't know how to dance. And so I'm just gonna kind of groove. Fuck, I'm on this floor. What else can I do to music? I know.

I'm already wearing my show choir sequin vest. I wore my show choir sequin vest to homecoming because it's the most formal piece of apparel I own. No, no, I never did that in high school, but in middle school, I was, uh, I was a, uh, what's the opposite of a smooth criminal? I was a, I was a, you're a wet bandit. I was a wet bandit on the dance floor. I don't think, I think that's I think that's just a middle school. I think that's the opposite of a smooth criminal is a middle schooler. I don't think I was a middle schooler out there, you guys. Nobody had play, I think. Do you know that, um, Michael, they just, uh, discovered that Michael Jackson had a patent on special shoes with a, uh, a small hook in them that he would hook onto pegs, uh,

extending up from the dance floor that he would use to do his patented smooth criminal lean. He has a patent, literally his patented smooth criminal lean. He has a patent on it. There's a patent to Mr. Michael Jackson. I want to lean, you know, I have this way of leaning. Sure. Hand me my stamp doing Ben Franklin proud. The promise is after that, anytime anyone leans, they owe Michael Jackson $20. Hey, what are you reading? Take careful. Fuck. I'll hand you the book and you can see, you just dope it over. Uh, I, I think a good thing to do is to look at the person, but maybe not in their eyes, but not at their, their body, necessarily any features of their body. Look at their left ear. Just sort of like you're appreciating their dancing. Like

you're nodding. Like, yeah, that's, these are good dances. Maybe look at their hair with like a slightly disgusted look on your face. No, don't do that. Like look like a nod. Like you are dancing because I think that's all anybody really wants is they want to know that they're dancing. And then when the song finishes, that's when you capitalize and say like, hey, do you want to drink or something? Like you don't do it mid song. Unless it's the fucking, that's the problem with a great DJ is cause if he keeps dropping jams, I'll be out there all night. What if every song he plays, I raise my hands to the ceiling. I'm like, this is my jam. Listen, if he's a good DJ, he'll throw a clunker in there every four songs that someone can get.

And then he sees a love connection, connection happening. He's like, I want to toss on a long play track. I'm going to toss on the December is five part sea shanty ballad, the Tane, which lasts for 19 minutes. These kids are going to love this shit. And they're going to be out there long enough to like find out everything about each other. Did you fire that DJ? No, what do you do this time? You're not going to believe it. He played the Tane. Oh man. Did he cut out the verse with the creepy little woman singing? No, I left that verse in four and a half minutes, four and a half minutes about cholera. Shit. I love the accordion solo. Did you really? Yeah, I really got the people fucking going. He just lifts up one cup of his earphones. I

can't stop it. It's a cycle. It's a song cycle. If I stop it at part four, you're not going to get to the part where the sailor redeems himself and you'll feel empty inside all night. Do you want that? If you're at a club, you're feeling the inside all night anyway. A lot of times people are just there to dance. You got to remember that. And I think that that's a sacred exchange. But I was going to have to know from the dancing. Don't you think you get a good idea from the dancing what the opposite party is there to do? I don't think of it as like a matchmaking thing. I think of it like every time people dance at a wedding or at a club, they are doing it so that they can go home confident in the fact that they just dance. No, I agree. This is what I'm saying.

I agree. I think that you should walk away just being like, hey, I dance with a stranger. That's a huge win. That's what I think you're actually, I think some of the hang up that you might be having is you're, the question you've got in your mind is how do I transition this dance into like a relationship? And maybe you should just transition it into a dance, like another dance. Well, that's kind of why twerking was invented, wasn't it? Because it kind of cuts out all the confusion. It cuts out the middleman. Okay, hold on one second. Charles has to go twerk. He has his tick where he can't hear the word twerk without going to fucking twerk. If I don't twerk on every doorknob in this house, the devil's going to come in.

Sorry, go on. How are you? Are you okay? Yeah, I just had to kill like the fucking biggest bug that was running across my point. Yeah, likely. Yeah, sure. Did you kill him with your butt in like a rhythmic up and down manner? Did you put on some Miley Cyrus' new songs and then just like go to town on that bug? I did. Okay. And then we parted as friends and another word was not said between us. Yeah, focus on the dancing rather than the relationship building. I think you're going to have a much better time. If something's going to happen, it'll happen, but maybe just focus on the dance. Just have fun. Yeah, don't worry about our relationship. I'm going to put some whiskey in this, I think. How about a Yahoo? Yes. Oh, no, that was all.

This Yahoo was sent in by Megan. Thank you, Megan. It's by JackS who asks, I'm finally rich. Now what? I've spent all this time working eight hour work weeks. Is that, is that fucking possible? Yeah. Yeah, dog. Trust me, it is. Sydney works those sometimes too. Used to when she was an intern. That's much more. I just want to hear from her folks. I work as hard as a doctor. I think Justin quote Travis works as hard as a doctor. I've spent all this time working 80 hour work weeks dealing with coworkers and bosses I despise and now I finally made my personal goal. What the heck do I do now? I'm already set to tell my boss off, but what comes after? I have

no friends. I wanted a relationship, but they never understood that I wanted to get work out of the way while I was still young and physically able to enjoy life. Now I'm alone and I don't know what I want. I'm not a mean guy. I've just found it hard to be in social situations. What do people usually want? I've never done a lot of things, never even played a video game. Any suggestions and how can I get back to dating? Through new friends, the idea of speed dating terrifies me, BTdubs, so none of that please. Coming soon from Bradley Cooper. Hi, I'm Bradley Cooper. This sounds like such a setup for a movie of like, he worked so hard, he had no time for a family. I'm rich and this is like 8,000 movies. I'm rich and super humble and I have a very good face. What's up?

What do I do now? My penis is super great. I've heard lots of great things about my super great penis. I have a Jay Leno-esque amount of cars. What to do? Got a totally open cow? Got a private plane? Stumpers. Can I get one of those books from the library? It's like 30 things to do on a rainy day. Can't open a lemonade stand. Tricky, tricky. I already got lemonade out of the way. I already did lemonade, so I started. So I got rich. I invented lemonade. Nothing left to do but drown myself, I guess. It works for the fact that I've been robbing the world of this cool penis. I do it with my hesitation. Stupid, buoyant penis.

It floats to the top of the lake like one of those keychains you put on your... on like keys that floats. Great metaphor. What's this fucking guy gonna do? Maybe play a video game. It sounds like he's got a very specific goal in life. Listen, sir. Sir, hi, it's me, Justin here. If you want to get back in the dating scene, I have a great step one for you. Don't get into video games because those two, that's not a path to one. The path of one is not a path to the other. These are two very different paths you're staring down the barrel of. I do, however. I really like the philosophy that he's looking at the world and I got work out of the way. I didn't know you could do that. I did the

work thing. I didn't know you could compress it all. Like instead of working like 30 years of 40 hour weeks, you can just do like 10 of 80. It's the fucking Minkus career plan, isn't it? Or it's like you graduate high school by the time you're 10 and it's like now I can just fucking lamp for five years until it's time for freshman year. Travel to Europe. See some shit. Go to Antigua. And I think traveling is the only thing you can do or maybe be a private eye. Or maybe travel the world using your great riches to like solve crimes. I feel like that'd be pretty rewarding. Or, ooh, Thomas crowned it. What's happening? I didn't see that particular. Oh, so rich. So rich. Needs a thrill. Yeah, he doesn't feel anything anymore unless he has sex with Renee

Russo. I don't want to pay for like, you have to be so, I don't think this guy is like Bruce Wayne wealthy. I think he just doesn't have to sweat the money here. No, no, no. Yeah, I think he's probably. He's rich enough that he has work out of the way. Right. But if you live, if you live a conservative self sustaining lifestyle, you can knock that out in like 250 large. He's basically skipped being an 80 year old man. Yeah. If someone comes to sell him magazines, he's going to tell him he's on a fixed budget. I mean, that's the life that this guy has painted for himself. I mean, you work 80 hours at Arby's long enough. You will have amassed a surprising amount of wealth in beef. They're not going to pay overtime at Arby's. They're not going to let

anybody work for them. No, there's no way they're going to get approval. Yeah, I guess it's true. They got to reach up to Mr. Arby and be like, okay, can we work 10,000 longer? No. I really don't know what you would do. I mean, I, I mean, you got the worst thing out of the way. When you, I would probably read a lot or say I'm going to read a lot and probably be swimming in it is like there is nothing, there's nothing grosser you could fill a pool with. I'll go ahead and say, it could, if it was, if it was human excrement, you would at least know who had, who it had been processed by. You would at least know the source. Money is like a hundred different people's terms. I'm going to jump back to say that you think poop is better when you know who it comes from.

That's never been a consolation to me. Oh, this is Steve's? Oh, yeah. No problem. That guy eats right. He seems clean. He eats a lot of kale. I've seen what he eats. He's treating himself good. All right. This is, this is either, this question is either a perfectly concentrated story of how wealth is meaningless and how true happiness is found in love and from everyone else, or it's a story about how wealth is the only important thing. And then once you get that, everything else is pretty much bullshit. May I also throw this out? Is it possible that this is written by like a 24 year old kid who has like $30,000 in the bank? That's a fucking shit. How old is the kid? He's like 24. That's, that's, you may as well have just said he has

infinity dollars in his super bank. That's what I'm saying. And he goes, I'm rich. And you don't want to think that. He fucking is in this economy. Think of how many peepers that could buy him. Here's the reason I think that. It's from the context lose of telling, saying that he's ready to like tell off his boss. Yeah. It's like no 40 year old responsible man with 250 mil in the bank is like, fuck my boss. You're saying he's a 30 K. I'm going to tell JP Wentworth where to stick it. Instruct your cash settlement right here. When I was in my mid twenties, I got my first full time job at the, I mean, it was my first full time job. It was my first salary position at the, the Ironson Tribune. My starting salary was $19,000. And I remember looking at that number

thinking, how am I going to spend $1,000? And you realize that it was the answer to that question was you will spend it as if your life depends on it. Right. Because it very, very, very much does. You will spend it instantly is the answer. Right. We have a very special a guest question from a celebrity guest question, which we do. Well, never. We did it pretty regularly, pretty regularly, basically from a friend of the show. I guess Jeff Canada, he had to have that, I guess, huh? Well, I mean, I guess he's a friend of the show. I mean, now he's a friend of the show. Certainly our friend, my dear friend, soon to be here, as I'm sure Jeff Canada, formerly of Totally Rad Show, soon to be of newest, latest, best, his upcoming

program that I'm, I think everybody's looking forward to. And he's got a question for us. And I want to share it with you right now. Hello, Justin Travis and Griffin. I come to you because I love your show. I value your advice. And because Justin generously contributed cash money to my Kickstarter campaign. Let's be honest, it's mostly that third one. But I come to you at a giant crossroads in my life for some major, major advice. As you may know, I love loving things. I love loving love. I love love and I love women. But there is one particular woman I am in love with. And I want to ask her to marry me. Luckily, she doesn't listen to the internet. She's not aware of it having audio yet. So don't tell her. But tell me, how should I do it? As guys in various states of

married and unmarried status, how should I do it? What will guarantee my, her having said yes, and my eventual happiness and marital bliss? I look forward to hearing your question. I'll take it off the air. Long time listener, first time caller. Jeff, it's a fine question. It's one we've all dealt with. By we all, I mean the three of us. No, I think everybody has, everybody has something in their life as proposed as some. And the answer, Jeff, is as big and showy and flashy as possible. Go on YouTube and search wedding proposal, must see, like, like, share, subscribe with friends and then see which one has the most hits and then try and recreate it. Now, I know you're wondering, how am I going to get 50 people

into Disney world on a budget? And the answer is smuggling. You got to track down the guy in the Jeremy the Jackals suit, which is everyone's favorite Disney character, and then use him. He was the bully in the goofy movie, you guys. If he's in Bedknob's or Group 6 too, still no. Get him. And you get, it's going to cost you quite a few Disney pesos, which are only usable in Epcot. And you're going to get 50 people in there. You're going to do a little, what they call a flash mob. Pick a Bruno Mars song at Randy. Pick any, but throw a dart at a Bruno Mars CD. Now throw that CD away and get a working one, because you fucked that one up. Throw a dart at Bruno Mars and call your lawyer. If you hit him, it's six more weeks of winter.

There's got to be a better, we have to develop some sort of meteorological technology. Well, just let Bruno Mars make his mediocre music. Hey, fuck off. Who the fuck are you? Highly danceable. That is Ted danceable. That's not a thing. Ted danceable? Yeah, everyone says that. Don't do any of the things that we've said so far for the past three and a half years.

You honestly, I don't think there's a personal live that wants, that has ever like received a proposal and gone like that wasn't, there weren't nearly enough people watching. It's got to be intimate, right? It's got to be like, it's got to be like, I don't know, 15, 20 people tops watching you. So you got to charge, you got to charge for admission and really capitalize on this. A lot of that depends though on how likely you think she is to say yes, because if you're the man or woman in your life, you're going to propose to them, you, you are worried that maybe they may be hesitant. If you put them on blast like that

with 30 or 40 people, then I think that they're deaf. They're not going to, and there's social pressure at that point. Yeah. Ooh, wait till you have a big public fight and then pull out the ring. Why? Because it's rich, because it's really going to cancel out all of like the fight that just happened. You're saying wait for like, wait till you fuck up. Yeah. Like really bad. Yeah. And like get into, like get into it and just express all, all your anger in the situation, but then boom, engagement ring, right? Cause then it's like, it's like all that time that just happened before that didn't happen. Didn't exist. Cause it's wedding time. God, women are so fucking dumb.

Look at this. Hey, hey, shut up. I'm going to say that women could pull that move on a dude too. Look at this. I want to say women and men both get proposed to. It's 2013. And I'm saying people getting proposed to are dumb, not women. I'm judging all of humanity Griffin. I hate everyone. There is just like a three in a row chain of us putting each other up class. There's just like, Hey, that thing you said was insensitive. And then pointing that out, I'm going to say is someone insensitive thing. Like, Oh shit, insensitive, insensitivity oraburros. This is an insensitive snake eating its own tail. Jeff, privacy of your own home. Just think about it's got to, when I, when I was going to propose to Rachel and I was trying

to think of the way to do it for a while, my fucking plan, she was out of town and I was going to do it the night she got back from, from her business trip. And she got back when she got back, I was going to pick her up in the airport and limo and then like do it there. And it's going to be romantic with champagne. We're going to play her favorite Bruno Mars song on the CD player. The limo driver. The limo driver would actually be that great guy who drives the limo and how I met her mother and it was going to be perfect. And then I remembered like, I've never been in a fucking limo in my whole goddamn life. And I don't want like some stranger that I paid to be there like, like getting his jimmies off in the front seat while I profess my eternal love. You know

what I mean? Did you say getting his jiggies off? Getting his jiggly puffs off in the front seat while I'm doing my stuff. No, I, I agree. And the point grievance trying to get to in a round about time killing way. Don't let your driver masturbate in the front. If there's someone masturbating at your proposal, you dumb fucked up somewhere. Let me come back over the plan. The girl in the limo. Yeah, I did that. Get her at the airport. Let driver masturbate. Any driver extra to masturbate? Let me just scratch that off the list. I think you actually need, you need to consider the person and what they want. There's not a blanket answer we can give you. Like maybe they don't want to masturbate in the front seat.

Need a lot to Sydney to have friends and a family around. So I did it at New Year's and there was a bunch of people there. So yeah, honestly with Theresa, like both of our schedules are so hectic, but we just desperately wanted to be engaged. So it was a very casual thing. Like, hey, I got you flowers and I love you. And let's do this wedding thing we've been talking about for four years. And you can probably, I don't know who you are. You could probably do better than let's do this wedding. Um, no, I got down on one knee and I did a whole thing, but like we're both wicked busy right now. Let's just, let's just, I don't know about you, but let's take a wedding nap. Listen, you're my son and my moon or whatever. What the shit ever. And man, I don't know. Let's do

this wedding thing. Fuck it. You're the moon of my moon. Son of my stars or something. I don't know. I don't watch Game of Thrones that closely, but you're something or whatever marriage. Let's do this. Let's do this. Let's do this wedding thing. Uh, let's do this fucking money thing. I get to hate you. To say I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Ring on a dildo. Ring on a dildo, Travis. That's exact. You took the words clean out of my mouth. Okay. Hey, they'll put a dildo in the middle. Okay. There were like 10 words that I hated in the past minute. Griffin may hate masturbation toys, but I am deep, deep into them. You're like a sex flesh. Would you

use broker? Would you say that they're deep, deep into you and get deep deep into a firm pussy and ass masturbator? That's not me being vulgar. That's a product name. That's trademark copyright trademark. Firm pussy. Extruderchase.com is your home for all of this, uh, delicious, delicious sexual, sexual paraphernalia. So it doesn't matter if it looks like a creature from labyrinth. Get it and fuck it. It doesn't matter if it looks like David Bowie, but you didn't get it. No, hold on. Who's that? You could probably get David Bowie's butthole as a sex toy, I bet. You can get an exact replica of Sasha Grace, and this is a direct quote from their website.

Amazing pussy. It looks like it's singing a supreme song. Oh God. Fuck, that was suck. That would be, that would be amazing pussy. Every porn director in the world just a shot up in bed like, uh, our career's done. Our career's over. Our whole industry is shot now. Sexuality and sex and no one's doing it. Children of men too. You just blasted off an EMP for boners. Oh, it would be an amazing pussy if it's singing. Yeah, I'm not being incredible. That's some pig. That's what it looks like. You could feed it some dick and you could do it for 20% off using the code sex. Not 20% off your dick. No, you can't keep your whole dick. Go use sex. But I haven't been over all the product descriptions. I don't know. That's not a

guarantee that you keep your whole dick with the consumer shades.com, but you can keep a little bit of that Doremi for yourself. 20%. In fact, using the coupon code sexabunga. It's all waiting for you at extremestrains.com. 20% is fucking crazy when you think about how much the people are saving. If you buy $500 worth of butt of those beads that you put in your butt, butt beads, that's $400 you're paying. That's a whole $100 that you can spend on. $100 more butt beads, which will in turn get you like $118 more, $18 extra dollars of butt beads. You could just keep going on this. It sounds like a pyramid scheme. Well, no. Eventually, you're going to get diminishing returns and it's like, yeah. Papa, I've got $0.15 worth of butt beads.

Butt beads, butt beads, $0.15 for a fraction of butt beads. There's got to be something on this site I can fuck for a quarter. Oh my God, there is. Oh God, there is. extremestrains.com is a website. They're like the best friends we have in this whole world. Please be nice to them. Don't scare them away. It's the only friends we've got. Hey, this is Erin and Brian from Throwing Shade, and we would love to throw some shade on you this summer. Every Tuesday, we inject all sorts of news stories concerning ladies and gays with silliness and sexiness. Just in time for bikini season. Check us out on Max Fun under Throwing Shade. Okay, they're not stupid. No, I know, but yeah, they could be. Well, why would you spell it out like that? Well, because I was the spelling

bee champion of the world. Farm Wisdom. Farm Wisdom. Get your fork, it's not us, pork. Farm Wisdom. I would like Griffin to read the first one, please. Here's the first one. I grew up on a racehorse farm. Oh, the most exciting life. I grew up on a racehorse farm. Welcome to the show, Paul Bearer. The late Paul Bearer who joined us. When a veterinarian castrates a racehorse, they throw the detached balls up on the roof of the barn for good luck. Pretty gross. Jesse. Thanks, Jesse. I fact-checked that. That's 100 percent. That's 100 percent. The old wives tale. 100 percent. Fuck you. There's no, doesn't horse sperm sell for like hundo-fows on-on. You castrate a racehorse if it's having behavioral problems. That's-

And then you, you have to like, tell me though, promise me that if you are going to do this for behavioral problems, you definitely, definitely bring the horse out of the yard and make a lot. When you throw its balls on the roof. Hey, come see this. What? How did this old wives tale- This is what you get for playing in my yard. Hey, Orb, come watch this. See if it's funny to eat my pocket. Orb. Come on. How, how did this fucking witchcraft kiss? I can imagine there was just a super lazy veterinary old-timey- You never heard balls on the roof fast in the hoof. I'm imagining like an 18th century veterinarian like, what do I, ah, fuck.

What do I do with these? They're slippery. Maybe in the, maybe in the heat of a passionate horse crime, they, they cut off a ball, a horse's balls unwillingly and then had to dispose of the evidence. Chankle, chankle. Oh god. That is balls. What do you know? Oh fuck. You gotta, you gotta time on the back of your truck. So that they hang comically as though they're the truck's testicles. It's very comical. Is that the implication? I believe so. I'm gonna go back when I'm editing the podcast and find the minute mark where Travis said he was going to start adding whiskey to his beverage and then time it out to now and then we'll know like the porousness of his liver. What's the other farm with him? Uh, chickens play dead and

fart through their mouths and that's from Jillian. It's the best Smith's album. I don't care what anybody says. It is the best. Don't, I don't want to get gross but if we're talking about like just physiological stuff, don't human be, I, I have heard, I have heard things come out of Travis's mouth that I'm like a hundred percent certain was a fart. I like, undoubtedly, I know you have, I know you have dyspepsia and it's the thing you struggle with every day but I'm saying that you, your shit's backwards. Do you think chickens play dead because they wish they were dead because they've been farting out their mouths? Or do you think they played that when someone's like, you smell that? Can't be that dead chicken. You know he's innocent. It smells like a,

like a mouth fart. Couldn't be that guy. Oh god, oh god, oh god. He looks like he's been dead for weeks. Just go, go, go, go, go, go, go. I don't want to, I don't want to do it. It's going to taste so bad. Oh god, I'm just going to pretend I'm dead. I'd like to see a new version of Charlotte's web. Maybe the stage production where Charlotte's like, Wilbur, I have to make this, I have to make this web singing your praises so they keep you alive and then chuckles the chicken comb. So, I say, blah, blah, blah, kill me. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh gosh. I was going to take this pig to the county fair but I got a chicken. The mouth farts the alphabet. I mean, he's famous but doesn't see much of a life.

Hey, I keep finding random sex toys in my yard. I live on a busy street and over the past year, my wife and I have found multiple simulated penises of varying sizes and styles strewn throughout our yard. So, I'm making it as far as our backyard which is possibly 30 feet from the road. Drew Breeze is deposing on sex toys. Is this some new tradition that high schoolers are participating in? Like finding porn in the woods or do I just live in a very kinky neighborhood that's from extremely restrained in Rochester? Do you know what it is? It's the daily delivery from the Gaper Boy. Arcade classic. Gaper Boy throwing in jail for breaking too many windows with giant ticks. I would just like to see you come out on your lawn and like see another

when you look up and you just have that neighbor across the street sipping his coffee with his open robe. He's going, what's up? What's up? Check your backyard. Treats back there. The worst Easter egg hunt ever. He just keeps hoping one of them will find purchase in your soil and blossom. He'll know. He'll know. Yeah, I mean this sounds, so we started with teaping, right? And then teaping ended up being way too easy to clean up so then to the teens started forking and then I guess that the sort of like physical toll that forking takes on you was no longer enough and so they have now just started putting dicks in the yard and it's not hard to pick a dick up and like throw it away or wash it off in the dishwasher and then put it in your secret drawer in your

vegetable taxes box but you know it takes a lot out of your mind when you don't know where it came from. You know what I mean? I'm a little confused like I don't I don't get the implication of the prank like I put this on your yard like that's it like that's the yeah but then they have to touch then they have to touch it right it's like a it's like a strange dick and they have to your touch it's it's definitely a prank though we didn't agree on that because there's no way that this is just like I just live in a neighborhood where people are just throwing dildos everywhere. Is it possible that this is the ninth long overdue biblical plague? And it's only you and it's only happening to you. It's very concentrated.

You're a fan of a yahoo. Sure. This yahoo was sent in by Julie Kin. Thank you Julie. Julie's been sending us yahoo's for for a while this is the first time on the show but I think she works at like a military base because each of her emails has the word unclassified attached to it as if we needed to know like this yahoo about dildos is not a top secret government secret. I am not snowdening right now. Thank you. Anyway thank you Julie. It's by yahoo. It's by yahoo answers user AJ Foxweather who asks. All you can eat buffet is it worth it? I just want to dine at a place where you can have pizza and tacos and macaroni and cheese and spaghetti in one sitting but I've never eaten at one of those restaurants before. Is it worth the price to get in? I also hear

that these places are on sanitary and I don't want to get food sickness thanks. Ah food sickness. Is it worth it? I think financially yes. If we're talking about fiscal like I don't think there's I don't think it could be more worth it. You're talking. Yeah it's a great fiscal deal. Right. The restaurant you're let's just stop like beating around the bush they're talking about Golden Corral. Right you're not getting all these things in any other place. Yeah um Golden Corral whose original subtitle tagline was pizza and tacos and macaroni and cheese and spaghetti and fuck it and fuck you. It is going to be I don't think that sanitation I think when you are a chef right and you specialize in raw oysters you work very hard or sushi or

artisanal pizzas you work really hard to like keep a clean workstation and like get shit done. When you have to crank out pizza tacos, mac, cheese and spaghetti in one sitting sanitation becomes less of a concern for you. Well I think you know your answer to everything becomes well fuck it they can eat something else. Like hey your tacos are bad. They should eat pizza. But here call me call me naive but I would like to think that it has to be at least kind of sanitary to remain open or do you think just the authorities turn a blind eye because they're like I don't think they have so they have so much. If you go there you're asking for it. I mean let's be honest. I think that Justin had a point where in that the chef sort of pick and

choose what they give the the appropriate time and cleanliness to like you will go to the golden buffet and be like let me get some of that roast rump and the carver will be like no no keep going. Because that carver is like a fucking honor guard. I feel like the carver I feel like that's where you're gonna get your best quality stuff because you can put a face to it. If I eat something it's bad I go right back to that guy. I'm like listen hey let's sort this out. What's the scoop on the mac and cheese? We call it the cheddar trough. No like what's the story? What's the story You don't want to. All of this was powder a few minutes ago. We don't remember making any mac and cheese. We're not sure what that were two minutes ago.

This golden corral is severely haunted. Man that's a fucking cool. I wish I knew that. I wish I knew that fucking ghost in college. What's up dudes totally getting high I see. Let me scoop some of this. Let me scoop some of this bodacious mac and cheese. Yes the noodles are in the shape of dinosaurs. It's T-rexillicious my homies. Now the only thing I require exchange is your mortal soul. Well give me a case that I could inhabit. I think it was golden corral. There was some YouTube video that made the rounds of this young man who was a whistleblower. The Snowden of Roast Beef. Did someone say Snowden of Roast Beef? Who filmed the YouTube video of apparently his particular golden corral location. I don't

want a slender golden corral as a whole. It's probably just confined to this one thing. Although we all know that it wasn't. He was pointing out how when they were getting their inspections done everything that was unseemly they hid back by the dumpsters including like one of those food service racks filled with filled with meat just like chilling by the dumpster and brought it back like I don't think this is okay. I'm making a difference in the world. Like we know like when we cross the threshold of the golden corral we know what we're getting into. We don't need you to put a face to the to the to the beef parasites. Listen a ship in harbor is safe. Right right a stake in my a stake in front of me is doing just fine. A stake in the refrigerator is

safe. A stake on the counter has truly lived. A stake by the dumpster's safety is questionable. But you but YOLO. You know Sydney my wife is a physician. Oh come on every fucking yeah let's all fight wives. Is that what you want to do? It's a good old-fashioned wife fight. I want to tell this anecdote she she for one of her rotations she did a health inspections she not she did a she she went along with people doing them and at one of our local restaurants of which I will inform both of you off the air. Just say it now I'll cut it out. Fuck me I love that restaurant. No. I've eaten at that restaurant literally a hundred times. It's a it's a it's a hot Mexican restaurant in our area. She goes into the back. That just narrowed it down to one restaurant.

She goes into the back. She's closed. Yeah and there's there's a I know it's not flapjack tenon but it's the pancake Mexican restaurant. That's a real thing and honey didn't stop by sometime I'll take you out. We she looks in the back and the health inspector is talking to one of the people there and they are stirring a giant pot of something with what appears to be a stick. So they ask the person doing the stirring what that is and what they say is a stick and they say is it something you've used for a long time is it some sort of you know maybe assuming it's some sort of like seasoning or maybe it's a very tightly bound bundle of sage that's about something like that and they said no we found it in the alley you cannot fail your

health inspector. It's the worst and also there's a dead guy over there he's been there for a while why pardon me pardon me chef sue chef why are you made of diapers why am I talking to a bundle of diapers with a sharpied face on it friends thank you so much for spending another hour with us we certainly appreciate our hour ish hour under slightly under by the time we get to the end yeah let's just take a long time to do our chores thank you for spending a union hour with us we hope we we hope you had as much fun as we did thank you to people tweeting we have the show like sissy puss feeny your compile charlie uh michaelin az jack spirek jack cuspizarek uh brockbowl and green

eyed girl mr jellyfish alonzo deralde um if you want to be able to show you the mb mbm hashtag we also want to give a huge massive thank you to uh operations a pride drop and all of you who donated to the package the care package going out to our friend tristan marine and his buddies over there in afghanistan i mean i mean you guys fucking blew it out of the water oh my god they're getting a playstation 3 a game cube uh like 20 games a bunch of four different fucking pokemon games these fools are gonna have like half of all i think it's 653 pokemon at this point they are gonna be good to go in x and y come out and they are gonna be they're gonna have a they're gonna be fully stocked uh yeah they're loaded um thank you to uh companies like

wooshers to the coast sega sony now what's a wudger of the coast's a wizard a wizard of the coast ube self-action thanks to your mission not at all thanks to richard who lives on the coast uh and we want to say thank you to just some of the donors who uh kicked in like here we go rachel borshish chad herrington james brownwell scott ockerman uh or acerman probably scott acerman demitri demitri portnoy jared folgen will golega davin paulis kiddeth underwood philip prachaska brady bird joe rice scott morse jansen truett julia laurence james hannan thank you so much richard coastman thank you for giving to uh to tristan i'm sure he and his buddies really appreciate it and and we appreciate all of you being so super tristan i need you to come home safe

part a because you know you're doing the lord's work over there and you're protecting us and our freedoms and we we love you for that but b you are gonna have some some super rare pokemon from gen four that i am i am have been negligent in capturing um basically this care package is estimated before shipping cost of being worth three thousand dollars not so you're all like so you're rich so you're all amazing for for kicking in on that and you're you're the best so thank you um can i can i give a shout out please this is i know this is rare for me but i want to thank john rogerick in the long winters for the use of our theme song it's a departure um which you can hear on the album putting the days to bed i believe it's track nine or track ten it's close

to the end of the album to close it down um fuck that album is so so good go buy that it's it's so good that it needs to be angry to listen to it you know like why isn't all the music like this if you want to uh head over to the forums talk about the show we sure appreciate that and why you're there listening to the rest of the maxfun shows they're all at maximumfun.org like stop podcasting yourself one bad mother to judge john hodgeman wham bang pow a hit medical podcast called saw bones i do with my wife sydney uh who's a physician as you know god dammit curator of the alley stick uh that i am assuming she uh confiscated she's not gonna shut that fucking i need that restaurant in my life i mean i need it too this mystery restaurant that i won't tell anybody about

and uh if if you're in huntington and you want to know just as far just so you know i'm gonna continue to eat there and have several times i heard this story because i because and we're gonna continue to drop hints there you can get drunk there for like 350 and you can eat chimichang is the size of your forearm anyway and if you uh if you would like a message right up there along with uh our sponsors extreme restraints then just go to maximumfun.org forward slash jumbotron and you can have a personal message or a business message or if you have a company that would like to sponsor the show then then come on down uh next week's episode will be a little late because griffin will be touring uh germ germany i believe it is uh it's germany next week yeah germany next

week uh and and so we'll be a little late so we apologize in advance but we'll still get right back with you presumably with a very jet lag griffin which should be should be hysterical uh and and thank you so much for listening to our program if you live in germany and want to hang it's a it's a super big country um so don't even i would say probably don't bother i'm probably probably not gonna put in the effort i'm just being honest it's a it's a super big country and i'm like don't understand any of the languages there like like germany regardless griffin do you have a last question for everybody yeah i have a final one it was sent by ryan steiner thank you ryan it's by yahoo answers user jazeila hoarez who asks

have fear to be touched for bald persons this has been my brother and my brother and me guess your dad square on the lips maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported