My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 165: Johnny Billyseed

Episode Date: August 28, 2013

Now that all three of us are on North American soil - the sweetest, most fertile soil there is! - we're back (a tad late) to share all the wisdom of our travels. There ... there isn't much. Suggested talking points: Turbotwerk, Dangerface, Larry's Fiesta Party on the House, Suits, Cigars, Making Fun, We've All Been Pregnant For Years, A Great American Legend

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome, my brother, my brother, and me, where we've just finished our yearly viewing of the VMAs. We all gather together. Hands up, hands up, met a question. Who actually watched them? Because I missed out. I watched Lady Gaga's performance, which was haunting, and then I watched her second one

that she did with Robin Thicke, and God, she is a chameleon. You could barely even detect that that was her both times. She was blending into his suits. Did you know that everyone in the audiences, Lady Gaga, they did it with computers? I heard a rumor that that first part was true, but that it wasn't computers. She just did it. She's amazing. She's the first mutant. The gene is making itself known. God, we were going to talk about Miley Cyrus, like, because it's all anyways. I'm going to hit it from a different angle. She was an embarrassment to furries. Miley Cyrus was? Yes. Was she wearing a fur suit? She was convinced that it was about furries.

She was going to have mouse ears on, and was wearing a mouse bathing suit, and everybody was in these weird, almost like those teddy bear plastic toys you get out of a gumball machine. We should mention Griffin has been in Germany for the past weeks. Yeah, where that kind of thing is completely normal. Can I say something without, I imagine we have German listeners. I don't want people to think I'm xenophobic, because I genuinely do love traveling to Germany. This is my second time doing it for work. But the hotel we were staying at had a TV station that was literally 24 hours Nazi documentary, like an old-timey, like a TV news special on the whole Nazi thing.

And they showed it, like literally, like around the clock. Every time we ate dinner at the hotel, they had the TV turned to that station, and it's like, guys, this is worse than the Miley Cyrus shit, and that was really bad. I'm not saying that then, but the things that the Nazis did were worse. Oh, you mean the documentary. The documentary? Why are you dredging that shit up? Move on. You've got lots of stuff going for you now. You bail out every country. Yep. You made the new Beetle, which is fantastic. You're not Russia. You're not Russia. You got that. That's pretty great. Hello, Germany, and we're here to help you. I'm sorry, Morgan. It's the same thing. Funny about them. Watch that Miley Cyrus video. I think is what it's like for most people listening to my brother,

my brother and me. There's adults walking around with giant teddy bears on their back. It's like, yeah, life feels like that sometimes. Listen, the only thing that makes that whole thing worthwhile is every time it cuts to the audience, you either see screaming fans or other actual musical professionals who just look horrified. I'm going to say this. I'm going to let you guys finish. I'm going to say this, though. Just let the fucking girl twerk. Let the girl do her goddamn thing. The fucking news people who are making this a big deal are pitching it from the angle of look at what Hannah Montana turned out to be. And it's like, guess what? Everybody fucking grows up. You're the one that's looking at this 20 year old woman slapping her butt cheeks together

in a way that's supposed to be sexually provocative and being like, I wonder what a 12 year old doing that would look like. You fucking perverts. If you're sharing that link, if you're dropping that link on your Facebook wall, guess what? You're a pervert too. I'm the only non pervert in the room saying this is a 20 year old woman trying to be sexually provocative by slapping her butt cheeks together like you would your hands after a good theater performance. I can't tell. I cannot tell if you're in favor or against it. I'm saying it's I'm neutral on the thing, but what I'm against are people like that used to be that somebody's daughter. Yeah, guess what? So it's every stripper. Right about that CNN. CNN is not new enough stripper based programming. No, but they do it.

Fuck ton of Miley Cyrus based programming. But the problem with your whole idea of it being sexually provocative is that it like is not sexual literally like I have filed 1099s that have been more sexually arousing than that whole performance. Yeah, but in defense, you filed your 1099 by taking it to a strip club and tying two pins to a stripper's butt cheeks and then making a torque on top of it. Torque my taxes. You know, Justin never gets his taxes on time and he doesn't write anything on the sheets and it smells like buffet. I tried to get him on turbo torque because it's cheaper. It's ultimately cheaper. This is my brother. My brother made an advice show for the modern era where we take your questions and turn them out with me like into

wisdom. Stop being a fucking pervert. That's point number one. Guess what? One day Miley Cyrus is going to die probably of old age. If she gets there, you're not going to write. You remember when this, this old broad died. That wouldn't have happened if she was 12 years old. Yeah, no shit. People get older. Time passes. We're all traveling. Where does Hannah Montana get off dying of old age? Do you guys think everyone else is just as surprised as we are when Robin Thicke shows up at performances now? As surprised as Robin Thicke is maybe. In his head, the entire time he can't stop thinking, I'm Helen Thicke's son. What am I even doing here? What am I doing here? It's only a matter of time before they see through the charade. They have to. I'm dressing

like Beetlejuice. They have to see through this. They have to know what's up. They have to know I'm Helen Thicke's son by now. That's the dude from Not Quite Human. They know he's going to go around the bend and Alan Thicke is going to be more edgy than Robin Thicke. He's got to be careful because he's going to come out with like a real, some like roll. Show me that frown again. That's edgy song. Instead of wanting to see your smile, he wants to see your frown. I will soon be moving back to college for the second time at the age of 27, will most likely be older than most of my classmates and flatmates. English, please, I'm moving to a new city and that won't help anyone. Have you any advice on how to deal with

the situation in terms of making friends? Like with relationships, is there an age gap that makes friendships a bit weird? And that's from new to Newcastle. We're all taking a while to get to this one because we all know what we have to say. When you, I mean, when you're in, no, there's no age gap to, to relationship. I had, I, this is not it. I had friends in college when, at which point I was in like, in my early 20s, I guess like 19 to 24, I was in college. Yeah, five years back off. But I had friends that I did not realize until a couple of years into our friendship that they were in their late 20s or early 30s. Like it did not even occur to me. I have friends like that now

that I started working out with the theater, you know, and I knew some of you like two or three years and then we had a birthday party for one of their 40th birthdays. And I was like, oh, shit. I thought you were like 28. But at the same time, at the same time, in your classes, as a freshman, when you look over and see somebody who's obviously nine years or senior, like you get to have, you get to have some questions. I think that that, I think that's a normal thing. I'm not like, you just, you're going to school. You're improving. Yeah. And it's also, it's not like the dude's 85 and going back to college. No, but it's 97. Then it's like, I mean, I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I'm seeing it's a mysterious thing. Like, I was about to say,

then it's like a Rodney Dangerfield movie when, no, in fact, it is just a Rodney Dangerfield movie. Hey, Rodney Dangerfield movie. I don't think he was 27 in that movie was hard living. Hard living. Hard living for Rodney Dangerfield. That was after the point when his face started to look like a fish's face. And I think that he hit that point. Like maybe his face slid down by the time he was 70. Rodney Dangerfield's face is on his belly. All people don't know that. Still hilarious. He looked like that. So funny. Funniest belly in the, in the Catskills. He looks like the alien from the Men in Black movie that we reference in every episode of this podcast. I'm glad we're finally beating that pretty boy Rodney Dangerfield up.

That'll teach you. Did you see him twerking at the VMAs? Where does, who does he think he is? Where does he get off? He's gotten too much respect for too long. I think that when it comes to like age and stuff in college, I think you are as old, you know, you're as old as you act. You're as old as you feel. I think that if you go in there being like, I'm out of place and I am too old and I don't fit in, that is exactly the vibe you're going to give off. And people are going to be like, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I think that that's actually good. If you don't make a big thing of your age, nobody's going to like grill you on it. I have friends. But when I moved back to Huntington after college, I was like 23,

24, and I was hanging out with 19 year olds and like, it was no big deal. That young stuff. I'm 32. And whenever I go to like the high school football games and just talk to the people in band about my glory days, I don't feel. You know, you pull your band up right underneath the bleachers. I just shout up to one of them looks down. Yeah. I got a safe pack if you guys want to share it. You know, and check the smell of light in your tuba. They have a they even made up a cute nickname for me. Him. Oh, that's nice. Or he's back. They call me that sometimes. He's back. Um, Griffin, how about a Yahoo? Yeah, I would love that. I got a bunch of really, really good ones this week. Thank you guys all for for sending them in. If you want to send

any Yahoo just shoot it to mbmbam at maximumfund.org and we'll I read everyone. Thank you. This one was sent in by Ira Ray. Are you Ira Ray? Who wants to know? It's asked by Yahoo. Answer. She's a true beauty who asks, How can I legally change my dog's name? His name is Larry. I want to change it to Larry's fiesta party on the house. I'm sorry. I'm going to open up a food truck inside my dog. Or additional details or hot dog party days. It's a really good name for a dog. Why do people keep sticking with one word name for dogs? What this person doesn't say is that this is the dog's request.

Hey, Larry feels so unsophisticated, so unironic. I don't know what channels you need to go through, but this is why we don't teach dogs English because they ask for stupid things like this. This is why I brought this question up is because it brings up a good point. I'm learning all about sort of the life of dogs. We already discussed my revelation about dog periods like dogs go through a lot of the same shit that we go through. But at the same time, if I take my dog, Ney Larry, his previous given name was Larry, and I've decided to change it to Larry's fiesta party on the house. The puppy formerly known as Larry. I take LFPH to the vet and they're like,

Larry, and I say, no, it's Larry's fiesta party on the house. They're not going to be like, says here on his documentation, it's Larry. Or do I need to go to the fucking courthouse, get a new social security card for my goddamn dog? I thought it was just like my property, like if I call my table Jerry, then I can change it to Jerry's fiesta party on the house, my table. I'm going to throw this out. There actually is a circumstance in which you would have to go through some channels to change your dog's name. What the fuck? If it is AKC registered, if it is registered with the American Kennel Club as a purebred dog, then you have to register it. If it's a competition dog, is that what you're saying? Our dog, Nessie, Nessie was registered with the AKC

as Nessie Bell McElroy. We would have had to contact them to change her name. I changed my cat's name. That's because you're a fucking dummy. I'm sorry. She looked like a toby. At the time, she looked like a toby. That's my whole defense. Then it turned out when I got in there that her name was Kuntakinte. I don't like this. She was a woman. She was a cat woman. She wasn't cat woman. She was a cat woman. This is my cat, cat woman. We have Toby on the books. We have Toby on the books. We're going to need you to change your story. We're going to need to see this cat's passport. Like what the fuck? This makes me angry. I think back to the pioneer days, horses didn't have no documentation. You know what I mean? What about when all dogs go to heaven?

Don't you want St. Pete to have what if he doesn't have them? Then they go to hell. I don't have a Larry Fiesta party on the house. Can I break down actually Larry's Fiesta party on the house? Is on the house is a parenthetical? I mean, you could just do it. I mean, Fiesta party is obviously problematic. Because you're really just saying Larry party party. This is my dog, Lawrence, party party. Larry's Fiesta party casual get together. The dog, the movie. Did you see that movie? Christ. It asks or hot dog party days. I think Larry's Fiesta days. I think we're pretty, I have my heart in the first names already taken. What the heck? We actually already have a Larry's Fiesta party. We have a champion

Basset how named the Larry's Fiesta party on the house. This fucking the fucking commentators at the Kennel Club show, the annual Kennel Club show, like ladies and gentlemen, I know this is going to get confusing, but here comes the second Larry's Fiesta party. Another purebred Basset out. It's a battle of the Larry's Fiesta party on the house. We knew it. Somehow we all knew it would come down to this. A hush falls over the crowd. It all comes down to the heat of the genitals. They both defecate at the same time. It is perfect. We may have a multiverse situation. We may have a multiverse bleed. It's made eye contact from across the room. Travis, you know about dogs and shit is a perfect defecation, a category in the Westminster

Kennel Club. Only as a tiebreaker. Make it look like the little iPhone picture of poopy. I actually have been emojis. I forgot you finally learned that emojis is not teen slang for emotion, which is still, still should be. I recently purchased a few suits for a new job I got that requires me to look somewhat formal. I feel classy as hell wearing them. I don't want to wear them as often as possible, but my girlfriend keeps shooting me down saying I look silly. Aside from my job, when it's classy, but modern, formal wear acceptable, I'm a college student as well. Would it be weird to wear a suit and tie to a college class or when I'm just hanging out on campus as from soupless in Seattle? No, no, of course not. No, Minkus, go right for it.

Can we go one episode with that? You know, whenever I tell my significant other, Sydney, to not wear something as formal, it's usually because I don't want to change out of your fat mama t-shirt. I don't want to match her game. So maybe your girlfriend is just worried about having to step up her, her thing. It is also possible that you and your friends are going to go ironically to Chuck E. Cheese and she does not want you to wear your suit there. Well, I mean, that's a pretty extreme example. I can think of like a hundred other ones, including one that you mentioned in the email, which is going to class. No, unless you're in fucking forensics, no. And even then, unless it's a debate day. And listen, here's the thing. You got to take a long, hard,

cold look at yourself in the mirror. Turn the AC way, way, way down. Are you rocking that suit? Everybody thinks they rock their own suits, right? Yep, but are you? Everybody says, you know, you look really good in a suit. Well, yeah, they're suits. Yeah, they're suits. That's what they're there for. That's what they're there for. They hide all the bad things. They hide all the secrets. But here's the thing. If you wear the same thing every day, if you wear a suit every day, it will wear off. Sure. Like I look, I look really good in my plate mail armor that I own. Yeah. It's because it hides all of my secret dumps and bumps. So you got to be careful, because you can fall into like a Jesse Thorne scenario. And the situation I feel like he set up

for himself is that he will wear a suit for a day to day function. And then if I see him at something more formal where I'm wearing a suit, I expect him to be in a tuxedo with a monocle riding a horse. In full blown, like military dress. I am in full blown military dress. I expect to see him in a diving bell. Wait, what? Why is he in that? Because it's the next step up. It's the most formal thing you can be in. This is a diving bell. I expect him to show up in like one of those suits that they wear in Tron. And he's like, this is what's, this is what's above it. You didn't know because you've never been, you've never seen anything like this before. But this Tron is, Tron is above military dress. Well the invitation said Tron formal. Yeah.

I think that's actually pronounced semi. And I think you're illiterate. It's my other worry. The flip side of that, that coin though, is that I think if I have a picnic and Jesse Thorne comes to it wearing cargo shorts, then the entire park will burn down. Right. The universe can't handle that. The universe, if you become a suit guy, that's fine. You know, we have a Dubin who was on ICOE with me. He is like every day a dress shirt and tie dude, you know what I mean? And he rocks it and he wears it. But there's a huge, there's a huge a gargantuan difference between just shirt and tie and suit. And he can also rock a vest, important to know. You're stepping, I mean, he's stepping closer to the line there. But

every so often, like one day a month, like he'll roll up in like t-shirt and jeans and like everybody comments. Everybody's like, oh, just t-shirt and jeans today, what's up? And it's like, and he's like, no, just, just wore t-shirt and jeans. But I feel like it's the same as if you wear t-shirt and jeans every day and then just roll up to class in like a suit. It's like in your Hannah Montana for 20 years and then you torque. It's the same exactly. Wow. But you're, sometimes Dubin comes into the office twerking. I was like, hey, why are you twerking today? I even draw a clearer delineation between school and work. I feel like no matter what your job is, if you wear, I mean, with, with, with most circumstances, if you wear a suit,

it's pretty much just like a power play that says, I'm in a suit. Why aren't you in a suit? This is what we, this is what adults wear to work. Why don't, why don't you wear it? Well, because Arby's makes you wear a very specific uniform. Yeah. But if you wear a suit to Arby's, you're manager by the end of the week. Oh yeah. Period. Period. I don't think that's how that, I don't think I, if I go- Right at the end, I said. If I go to Arby's and the cashier is wearing a full-blown suit, I'm gonna be like,

thank you for the roast beef, but do you work here? Let me throw this out. Went to Home Depot, the cashier checked me out, was wearing cargo shorts and a polo shirt and waved for it a tie with his polo shirt and a cabby hat. Oh my God. Wait, what's a cabby hat? A cabby hat, like a news boy hat. Like a flat cap. And then like some like bug-eye-shaped glasses that were purely for decoration.

Okay. Was it fucking puck from the real world? Did he wait on you at the Home Depot? I am 19 years old and I'm a long-time listener of the show. I enjoy smoking a pipe or cigar from time to time, but many of my friends think it's odd for someone my age. Even some clerks of the stores I purchase these products from act like it's weird for me to buy them. Is it strange that I enjoy these things? That's from Junius V. I don't think anyone actually enjoys this cigar. Um, yeah, I mean I sure don't.

I think a cigar is like a commitment that you make. Don't make chavis, please. We've been on the internet for three years. Have you not learned that if you make a blanket statement on that, you're basically saying, hey, email me about your cigar life. Well, I don't think, like, what's the most expensive cigar that anyone on this podcast has smoked? Because I guarantee my, like, finest experience cost maybe like three dollars at a gas station. I've had me a twenty dollar cigar. Wow. Yeah. Is that a wedding? And in case it exactly like a one dollar cigar.

I think it's probably like whiskey or brandy, right? Like you can't really appreciate it. Maybe, but a cigar is just such a commitment or like, this is what I'm doing for the next three hours or I'm gonna like stub it out or cut it off or do lots of weird shit. Yeah, it's basically when someone hands you a cigar and they like smoke with me for the next three hours, also it'll be stinkier than a billion cigarettes. Your mouth will taste like you ate a bunch of wet cigarette butts. That is a good point. If someone asks you to go smoke a cigar with them, they might as well be asking me to go on vacation. Like, it's the same. I see it as the same. Oh,

we're gonna talk for three hours. Sounds good. Sounds good. If I were on a yacht and that was like all I was doing for three hours, yes, I would probably have a cigar, but not like middle of a nice party where I'm hanging out with friends and somebody like, Hey, do you want to ignore everyone for like two and a half, three hours? Hey, you're never going to wear that shirt again, right? I, okay, so to actually answer your question, rather than us just passing judgment on cigar smokers, I, a pipe is similar. A pipe could take you, you know, 30 minutes to an hour to smoke through a whole pipe. Don't stink like shit though. Yeah. But like, let's not, I really,

I mean, I don't care about this, but I really, really don't want to get emails about cigars. Like I really don't. You don't even read the emails. I'll deal with it. I'll take this heat. The only way I have of educating myself about anything anymore is by saying mean shit about it on the internet. And then I get very mean, but very educational emails on the matter. That's how I learned about furries. That's how I learned about farmers. That's how I learned about jugglers. I, uh, I like, I used to like a pipe. Uh, it's hard for me to wholeheartedly recommend any of this stuff, you know, because there's, there's kids. I mean, I can't, there is, but I can,

I can tell you right now, I can pinpoint why it seems weird. And I don't think it's because you're 19. I think it's because both of those things, a pipe and a cigar are so indicative of like a leisurely lifestyle of like, I'm a man who sits in my lounge and smokes a pipe while I read a thick book. Okay. So Travis, you're saying that a pipe or a cigar is like a victory lap for life. I am. And if you're younger, it's like, why aren't you out there on the hustle? Why aren't you on your game? I think it's just like, we see a kid smoking a pipe. I'm like, you haven't earned that. Yeah. You don't get to just do that. Well, I think, I think a part of that, and I'm not saying that this is the case for our dear beloved listener,

but I think that these two things fall into the long list of things that like super grown ass adults do that in college kind of plays like an affectation. And I'm not saying that that's the case, but I like, I don't know, for 19, I didn't know any 19 year olds that smoke cigars and pipes, but I did know a lot of 22 year olds who did it. But if you were like the kid who only drinks fine brandy at parties, it's like, yeah, at 19, that's incredibly douchey. And at like 59, it's incredibly classy without, with a very little difference. You got to earn that shit. You got to have some kids. You got to lose some wives. You know what I mean? You got to see like the nitty gritty shit of the little world. You know what I mean?

You got to be crushed down and build yourself back up or just stop doing it in front of people to seep it like a secret. Yeah. That is, I think also, I think with pipes and cigars is that it's such a production that if you're doing it around people, you're really saying like, hey, check this out. Especially a pipe. Oh God, it's like you're making a subway sandwich. Because you got to get the fucking, you got to get the pipe out. You got to clean it with a pipe cleaner that you keep in a separate bag and then you got to get your tobacco out. Then you got to make everyone smell like this. It smells so good. And you got to stuff it in with the ramrod and then you got to light it, which takes forever. And then you got to drizzle mustard on top of

on top of the tobacco. When I used to smoke a pipe, I did know I felt like it was an affectation. But the thing about it is if you do an affectation for long enough, it's just your thing. You have to do it until someone else tries to do it. And then it's their affectation. Like they're the low man on the smoking total point. And listen, smoking a pipe is awesome. Yeah, it's great. Don't get one of those fucking Lord of the Rings long ass Tolkien pipes. Don't do a Sherlock either. Don't do a Sherlock. You just get a basic ass. Don't do a Sherlock. Griffin got me this beautiful pair of wood pipe that I still enjoy from time to time. That was for display only. You're smoking that? Oh God. That was soaked in resin. Bung resin. I used it as a bong for four

years. Oh, just smoke a bong. Just smoke a bunch of weed. What are you doing? That's why all the adults judge you because they said they're going, do you know why I smoked this pipe? Because I can't smoke weed anymore. What are you doing? When you're at a party, that's a great point. When you're an adult, you'll be able to buy cigars. Once you kiss me my age, you don't know where weed is anymore. When you are handed the diploma by the Dean, the Dean says, hand over all your doobers. Hand over your final doobers. Should have smoked these last night, Chief. Oh, you fucked up bad. Nobody's ever been at a party. Enjoy your shitty cigars that do nothing for you except give you dry mouth the next day. When you're at a party and you stand next to

somebody smoking your cigar, you think, oh man, they're going to be doing that for a while. We better move. And if you see them smoking weed, you think, oh man, it would be cool if you offered that if you said, hey, if you passed on the left hand side. I wish he would. I wish that that man was standing closer to me. So I might absorb some of his magic. Hey Travis, who's this message for? It's for Lance Taylor. Hey Griffin, who's this message from? It's from Brett, Shelby, Jordan, and Alyssa. Hey, Justin, what is the message? Wishing our cousin Lance a belated happy birthday. He never ceases to live like he's dying, which is a mentality that's easy to achieve once you turn 30, the new 40. Also, with introducing us and others to Mbem Bam, he enjoys video games, music,

and hanging out with his family. We love you and hope you are alive to celebrate next year. That's grim. That's a little grim. The first time I read through it, I thought I said he never ceases to be dying. Yeah, well, but that's true too, right? It's very depressing for a moment. It's very true though, right? It's true though. Here's a haunting reminder of your ephemeral existence. I like upscaling that 30 to 40 thing, because since I turned 26, I'm pretty convinced that 26 is the new 75. It's strange though, because it's not a sliding scale, because 27 is the new 82, but then 28 is the new 46. Yeah, you get downgraded, but yeah. God, guys, I'm falling apart. I think I have just entire bones missing. I think I'm just missing entire bones. The tooth fairy actually

gets greedy as you get older. She comes for your bones. She leaves your teeth though, which is nice. Hey, do you like TV? You guys? I guess. I mean, I like watching. That's a medium. I like shows. We have been paid to tell you about a product that we're pretty sure everybody in the world already has. Hulu Plus, of course, you know, it lets you watch thousands of hit shows wherever you want, you can stream it on your TV or like your smartphone or your tablet, and you can binge watch it. Or all three at the same time. All three. If you need constant entertainment like I do. Talks about binge watching your favorite shows like SNL and Community, Modern Family shows like that. Like you could get through a whole season of community in like an

hour if you just stream them from four devices that you simultaneously. Yeah, surround yourself like in Swordfish. Oh, just watch. Do they have Swordfish on Hulu Plus? Probably Swordfish. I'm almost certain they have Cabin Boy, but I don't think it's the same thing. It's only $79 a day. What are you doing? It is $7.99 a month. $7.99 for all the shows and movies you can watch. It's super cheap for infinite television. You can binge on old classics. You can watch movies. They got movies. It's great, but like they came to us and they're like, here's three free coasts to do Hulu Plus. And it's like, thanks, but we all literally already have it because everybody has who like, here's three

social security guards. Like we have those. We don't need those. But if you, on the off chance that you don't, go to HuluPlus.com slash my brother and prove that this is apparently a thing that people don't have. And you can get two free weeks by going to HuluPlus.com slash my brother. It's great because Hulu Plus is awesome and it also makes us look like super cool dudes. Who deserve more Hulu money, even though everybody already has it. Let him keep fleshing this money down the toilet, down the toilet of our wallets. Have you been looking to integrate the toilet into your lovemaking? Boy, if I got a place for you to go, it's called extremestrange.com. Tell me more about this website, Justin.

Again, it's like HuluPlus. It's like, doesn't everybody already have every dildo, every faux gay perk? Don't they have all that shit already? Don't they already have all the sex furniture? They could. Let me tell you about the door. Oh, man. The doggie style locking spreader is great because sometimes when I'm about to get my butthole blasted, I'll flake out like late in the game. Like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Or you have to sneeze and it's like, oh, no. Great. Now my, now my kidney is on the ground. But the great thing about the doggie style spreading locker is for, or sorry, the doggie style locking spreader. It's just one 88. There's probably one of those too, a spreading locker. For just one 88,

you can buy one of these and you can cuff your hands and your ankles together and let someone just go to town. Yeah. We'll see if this, if this multimedia that I'm trying to incorporate in the show works, but I just texted both of you a picture that I took of a vending machine in a German bathroom and I'll just, let's just wait until it gets there and then we can, we can fold it, we could fold it into the experience of the show. Oh, there we go. This is a product that is sold in this German vending machine. I did not purchase it because it was three Euro and I had already exchanged. It's a product called Travel Pussy. Is that people who need a neck pillow all the time anytime they're on a flight? I think a Travel Pussy, yeah, it's someone who's actually afraid of

going through security. Hold my hand or taking off. Oh, just, oh, come on. Well, Travel Pussy. This is, I did not buy this product, but people I know did. This sounds like someone, a friend of I didn't, but a friend of, no. A guy named Miffin Grakelroy. Apparently it's just a, a, and I don't want to get coarse and I don't want to get blue because it's not that kind of show, but apparently it's just a plastic bag with some lube and if that's, if that's like true love weights and like obviously I'm, I believe in that and I'm waiting, but if it's just a wet garbage bag, like I'm just going to go hang myself. Like if that's what I've been waiting for and that's what I'm in looking forward to, I'm, I'm dead. Griffin, important, important question.

What else was in the vending machine? Oh, I mean, I can text you another pick. Well, because if you could get a Travel Pussy, Ellen Mars bar. I'm really excited. They're going to cover me for the whole trip. But you don't want this, you don't want that kind of low grade shit. You want the good stuff on extreme restraints.com stuff that'll bend your penis into the shape of a snake for $50, but not $50 because most penises are already in the shape of a snake. Like a cobra about to strike them. Smart Alec. Uh, you can get one, uh, for 20% off using the coupon code sexabunga. That's coupon code sexabunga. Go fuck different. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself extreme restraints.com. That is not their slogan. No, coupon code sexabunga.

Hi everybody. I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Dr. Sidney McRoy. You told me to say it that way. We have a medical history show called Sawbones right here on Maximum Fun where we talk about all the dumb, hurtful, damaging ways that we've tried to fix people over the years. Have you ever tried to put mercury on a syphilis shanker or maybe you tried to drill a hole in your head because you heard it would reduce your blood-brain volume? That was dumb. But if you want to know exactly why and know about all the other people that try to do the same dumb thing you did, you can listen to our show every Friday right here on maximumfun.org. Let's, uh, let's move on. Griffin, how about another yahoo? You got one of those line around? You're not gonna do farm wisdom? Farm wisdom.

Farm wisdom. Call your Uncle Jake. Farm wisdom. That one is not my best. Drake? It's not his name. What? What are you talking about? Let me say, our uncles, we don't have an Uncle Jake. I was gonna rhyme it with something. I ran out of syllables. I thought you said Uncle Drake, like the performer. Um, this is my Uncle Drake. He played Jimmy on the grassy. Why don't you, uh, why don't you read it, Travis? Two trap slugs, bury a dish to ground level and fill with beer. Slugs crawl in and drown in beer. Also, apparently slugs prefer dark beer, and that is from Laura. And she says, PS, I am an actual farmer. That's handy, but you're also gonna get a lot of high schoolers. Another one drowning here, Margaret. Boy, you know how desperate

you have to be to impress your friends to say, I know there's a farm we can drive out to where we can scorch some brew that may have the occasional 80 slugs in it. How much do you ask about how my bowls were? Depends on how much the slugs get. Who wants to kick back a bowl of suds? Slugs. Slugs and suds. What? Suds and slugs. I said I knew where beer was. That is, that's what I said. It was a very... Really, it's your fault for not asking any follow up questions. Right. You should, when I said, hey, I know where beer is, you should have said, hey, Jeff, quick follow up, is there slugs? Is there slugs too? You could be the worst, you could be the worst, cool older brother ever. Oh, yeah. I marked it on this map and I'll sell it to you for $15.

No problem. I can score you guys some brew. Well, I'm where the map told me to be, but all I see is is sort of brown drunk slugs. Oh, you didn't tell me your position on slugs. Wasn't aware. Wasn't aware, Steve. Sorry, guys. Didn't know you were squeamish. Got a date with a prom queen. Gotta go, your older brother. This next one is applicable because I do have an aunt problem. If ants start invading your home, lay down or sprinkle cinnamon wherever you think the ants are coming from. Ants hate cinnamon. It's environmentally safe, so it also works in gardens. That's from our buddy, Asumen Mariko. I want to say I'm really glad that he gave us the option so we can either sprinkle it

or just lay it down. Get cozy. I'm gonna put you right here. You're gonna be okay. Hey, Asumen. Hey, Asumen. Hey, Asumen, baby. Just lay down. Do you guys bring Yahoo? Yeah. This Yahoo was sent in by Richard Chachere or Chachere. Thank you. Are you Richard Chachere? He is. Yes. Yes, I am. Did you need? No, okay. I'll be back to listen to the podcast. Bye, Yahoo! Instructor Ginny, who asks, why is a big chest or doing it on a bed not called a fetish, but toilet time love is called a fetish? Wow. Wow. A lot of textbook terms in there. What if everyone around me also likes toilet time love? On some websites, does that mean they're normal? And people who need big chests

or being kissed are like weird because they're different. Does she mean big chest like bosoms or like doing it inside of a large trunk? Get inside of this treasure chest. You are my treasure and I'm gonna fuck you. Avast. Avast. Ahoy. Yarr. I hate when a Yahoo answer question is like a good, it's a good fucking point. How come everybody kisses and that's fine, but I want to have toilet time fun and whatever that may be. I'm not sure yet. Travis, it's not toilet time fun, okay? This is love. It's toilet time party fiesta on the house. Travis, do you make fun to your fiance? Pardon? Do you make fun? Do you make fun to your fiance?

Fun dip? What did you say? I make fun with her. I would call what we do making fun. What happened, folks? It took us 167 episodes. The show is too weird for me to listen to. Good night, everybody. That's great because in that statement, I think I alienated both my brothers and my fiance. Yeah, well done. Yeah, it's a record. That question was the fucking Kobayashi Maru. I apologize. There's no winning there. I think I feel like a fetish is the equivalent of being into an indie band. If everybody likes it, then it doesn't feel like a fetish anymore. It's just sort of a common thing, but if fetish feels special to you, it's like, oh, this is my mom's special thing.

The thing isn't it that indie bands, the fucking vampire weekend was super indie, and then they got a Grammy, didn't they? The Arcade Fire used to be indies to the Indian, and then they got a Grammy. What I'm saying is that- Anal sex used to be a fetish, and then it was on the VMAs. Are we in a few years just going to be pooping on each other, and that's it? That's just the thing. That's the new missionary. It's probably a fetish at some point. Listen, I'm going to throw this out, though. What if it's not that it becomes more prevalent, but that it becomes simply more accepted?

That there's not an increase in the performing of the act, but rather illumination brought to the performing of the act. What the fuck are you talking about? That everyone's always been pooping on each other. We've just been afraid to talk about it, I guess in the fucking atomic sense, when you break it down to the subatomic level, yes? I don't think most fetishists can hold up this kind of atomic scrutiny. Hey guys, my wife and I finally found out she's pregnant with her first child, and we're waiting to tell my mom face to face when we see her on Labor Day weekend.

I hope she doesn't listen. I was wondering if you three have any tips for the grand reveal of a grand kid? That's from Inducing in Indianapolis. This is a good one. We've never gotten one of these before. No, we've gotten a lot of proposal things. Also, a lot of how do I sleep with my best friend's girlfriend. Did we really? Yeah, we get a lot of those. I filter those out because I don't want to hurt your delicate ears. But you just like created this sense of terror in my mind that like 90% of the people that listen to our show are adulterers. Yeah, would be. We stop them because we do not help them. Like they're fucking waiting on our waiting on your go guys. I've had my eye on Susan for a wicked long time. We're still waiting on the go ahead.

If you were planning on having your mother-in-law listen to this or your mom listen to this, I'm sorry that we put that part in there as like if you're gonna use this as your grand reveal. You are such an egotist. You really think they're gonna be like, we just know that they're gonna they're gonna do it for us. So let's just plug these earbuds into grandma's ears. We can just record a whole episode where it's just like you're fired and a bunch of like news that you want to get people through our podcast. That would be great. Maybe like we could record people's answering machine messages. We're like the new Carl Castle. People said that about us. Okay you guys, that's not just me. I think the best way to tell her is to spend the whole party

convincing your family that she's not drinking because of her alcohol problem. That she and then at the end be like, no just kidding. She's Praggers and everyone will be like twice as happy. Or check this out. Check this out. You turn all the lights off in the room and you gather everybody around and then you shine a flashlight on her back and then it'll show up on the wall. It's like the bat signal. It's a lot like the bat signal but it's a baby signal. Oh just say like everybody who's pregnant take one step forward and then she'll step forward and we're like oh okay that's pretty good. Yeah that's a pressure situation because then what if someone else steps forward to you? Your fucking announcement is worth what if everyone steps forward? We're all pregnant.

Except you Dave. Ah damn it. Listen Rod, thanks for coming into my office. This script you turn in for the new episode of the Twilight Zone. I don't think that this is gonna work. We've all been pregnant for years. We've all been pregnant for years. The title of your new Twilight Zone episode is neither spooky nor cynical. It does not meet any of the basic criteria of being logically sound or in any way spooky for the Twilight Zone. But thank you for trying Rod. Don't worry we're going to save it in a vault until Star Trek Next Generation and then they'll make the episode. You could write like a nice card. Skywriting. Can you just have, can you just deliver the baby? That'd be a nice surprise. It's like

when Sega announced the Sega Saturn they're like by the way it's already out. You could do the same but the baby would be the Sega Saturn. Or just bring everyone a Sega Saturn. That would work too. What if you just rolled up with a baby in your arms and be like what? I'd be like just a preview. Then you dropped the baby. One of these is gonna come out of it super soon. Can you believe that? Man woman's bodies are a miracle. Am I right you guys? Mom be honest with me. Does Melania look chunky? Here's the thing. I don't have kids. You know fingers crossed one day but like to me if my child came to me and said my wife is pregnant what I'm going to hear is I've had sex with this person at least one time and that would be disquieting. Why don't you just keep it to yourself

and then the baby will come and and they'll be so happy about the actual arrival of the baby that they won't be disquieted by your obvious coitus. You're rubbing your sexual exploits in your mom's face at that point. Make your wife show up in a t-shirt says conquered because that's what your that's all you're saying with your baby is like I put my flag in his mouth. Maybe like a really great mixtape. Something with baby in the title. There's at least there's a Justin Bieber song with enough uses of the word baby to just make up for all the other tracks on the album. Oh shit flash mob. Everybody seems like the baby from Alan McBeal. Travis I'm trying to mean flash mob. Can you just lean in here with me? Yeah. Flash mob. Flash mob. Because you tell him.

That's how you tell him. Soldier boy tell him. Can you get soldier boy? That'd be the best courier service. Soldier boy tell him. Soldier boy tell him that this is a summons to appear in court. Soldier boy tell him we all think he has a problem and he needs to cut back. Soldier boy we do wish that you would stop just sticking the notices on people's backs. I know I know yes you're supermanning that ho but it is inappropriate. Soldier boy I have I have a very dark secret to tell you and I need you can I count on you to keep this message in the absolute confidence. Don't tell him. Don't soldier boy. Promise me. Soldier boy I cheated on Margaret. Soldier boy you can't tell him. To your grave soldier boy. To your fucking grave. I gotta tell

him. Soldier boy you can't. I blame myself. Robocop. You can't soldier boy I need you to be quiet. Margaret is in another room. Why are you guys talking about Robocop soldier boy don't you fuck me. You promise me. Say the words. Say the words. You promise not to tell him. I hope he listens. I hope so too for so many reasons. You want another Yahoo. Yeah sure it's what soldier boy because that's all I'm thinking about for us to show. You. Did this. This is Yahoo is sitting also. Let's just eat a ghost. Yahoo is also sitting by Richard Chachere or Chachere or Chachere. Thank you Richard. It's by Yahoo answers user Ari who asks can you get a DUI on a pair of heelies.

I've heard you can get a DUI on anything but your feet. Example boat, bike, skateboard, rollerblades, etc. However with heelies you're technically on your feet but also on wheels. What is the true legal consequence of healing under the influence? Can you get a DUI on inline skates? Yeah I think so. I think it's a state by state thing but I think any mode of transportation. I am deeply impressed by that because I have worn rollerblades in my life and I know what a difficult process it is to get them on your feet and then you stand up once more. You're gonna need stability. When me and Clint Wilson we didn't have two pairs of rollerblades between us we just had ones who do a pretty cool way of getting our tooling around

town where we would both wear one shoe and one rollerblade and just kind of push ourselves on it like a shitty skateboard. That was a really cool look. Man we got a lot of nooky. In West Virginia, Charleston guy got a DUI driving a tractor. Well if he fucking hits anybody in a tractor going any speed that person is dead. He was driving on a highway for a service at night. Well that's yes I mean clearly that's not culture. You know what a cool night you have to have if you're like you know what I'm gonna do. God let's fire up that shit. Why do I only tractor sober? I'm gonna get some tractoring done. I did all the fucking corn. What if I just kept doing it? Like what if I just kept going? I'm gonna attract to this whole nation

of ours. You know what it's 2013 and my resolution was to stop limiting myself. I'm gonna tractor everything. I'm the modern day and also feloniously drunk Johnny Appleseed. But like the reverse Johnny Appleseed. Fair and stuff up. I'm just like running into buildings. I'm like a weird Johnny Appleseed Billy Joel hybrid. Johnny Billy Seed. I have Johnny Billy Seed. This is a cool house. Now you're part of a great American legend. I just joined your dining room but your front yard's good to go if you want to play on any corn or weed or soybeans. This is actually a wonderful way to get your if you fuck up like super bad. The only recourse you have is to continue fucking up so bad that you make that

person part of an American legend. If you drag a giant ax through someone's house they're pissed. If you drive through 100 houses they're celebrities. Right. Right. You think that the fucking people Billy Joel crashes his sedan into somebody's foyer and obviously they're they're woken up they're startled and they go downstairs and Billy Joel steps out like I fucked up. I fucked up. They're like Billy it's okay. Billy I'm gonna tell this story forever Billy. We're gonna be at a bar and piano man will come on. I could I could fuck anybody at that bar at that point. I can show you Billy Joel's car hole. I'm never fixing this. Come back to my place. I can show you his car hole. I want to meet the guy who fucking steps out of the outside of the bar like

thanks guys. I had a fun night. Wee and Healy's away. Healy's into the moon set. I would have to be drunk to wear Healy's to think I could pull that off actually. How do you how do you convince the cops you weren't wearing Healy's. Can you tell them like nah I just ice. Nah they're just shoes. I'm wearing shoes. Can you walk this straight line. No I cannot. I was doing a perpetual Michael Jackson dance. I'm a great dancer. I'm pretty much the greatest dancer. Sir we could hear you weeing all the way down the street. We know that you were wearing Healy's. I don't. I was parkouring. Yeah that's a DUI too. You can't parkour. You can't. What if you flip into traffic. What if you stunt like through an elementary school

window. I have a problem with someone planning their week in this thoroughly. I have a problem so well. I'm gonna be wearing the Healy's for an earlier activity. Do I need to go home and change. I'm gonna get drunk. Here's the order of operations. I'm going to the skate park with my Healy's. I just assumed that that's where you stunt. I'm gonna drink. Do I need to work a home visit in there somewhere. Thank you so much for listening to our program. We hope you had a lot of fun listening to it. Want to say quick thank you to people who've mailed us stuff through snail mail. Our address is P.O. Box 54 Huntington West Virginia 25706. Thank you to Julie Van Wy and Ian Van Wy. They sent us some pretzels that they baked themselves

in so long pictures. That's awesome. Oh I ate them with Sydney and they were so good. We got back for vacation. Save any food. It was the only thing in the house and we ate them all. You ate all of them. Just send us some more around the holidays so I can share. We got some beautiful YOLO earrings with some one up mushrooms on them. A postcard from what appears to be Dean Snodgrass that just says hey. We got an email from Jeanette. He's gonna fucking kill all three of us. I know. We got an email. We got a postcard from Maria that has a lintricular picture of Dawson City. It's beautiful. Our Uncle Traveling Matt sent us one from the Phoenix Art Museum. We got a postcard from another one from Uncle Traveling Matt from Colorado. He's on tour. A baby announcement. This was actually

really good. We got a baby announcement from Joshua and Danielle that says we're thrilled to announce having a baby. Baby sickness expected due date is November 12th. Stay tuned for more information and then here they have just handwritten mission accomplished. Pretty great. We got another great postcard from Stephanie and a lovely note from Ty Nielsen and so much more from her. Copy of Space Jam. I think from Tyne. On DVD. It's a blue right yet. It is a four pack. Holy shit. In this box that includes Looney Tunes the movies. Looney Tunes back in action the movie. Space Jam. Osmosis Jones. That's a fucking great movie. And then what I can only assume is they just had this lying around and they wanted to toss it in. I want to see if you guys

can see. I want to throw it up on my cam. Okay. See you guys can see there. It's just called Funky Monkey and it's a picture of a monkey wearing headphones giving like a sort of like a DJ TS to a fist bump. I think whenever they started putting this four pack together the people were like let's do a four pack because they were drunk. Let's do a four pack of movies with Bill Murray and cartoons. And they were like there's only two of those like oh fuck it. What else we got. Funky Monkey. Sure. I guess. We've got a lot of these leftover Funky Monkey DVDs. Can we splice MVP. Can we splice Bill Murray and also cartoons into that. I just want to say thank you again to Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus where you can binge on thousands of hit shows. They're supporters of the

show. It's a great deal. Go check it out. Go to HuluPlus.com and just forward slash my brother for the extended free trial. Don't you slash me. Slash my brother. I want to throw out a special thanks to Allison Greenberg. She sent us an email with 50 who answers in them. Oh shit. I didn't get time to do any of them on the show but I appreciate it must have taken like a week of preparation. So thank you. I also want to thank John Rodrick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song is a departure of the album putting the days to bed. You can find it on iTunes. You can probably find it on Spotify. I'm not sure how much of a kickback he gets. I know that it's tricky with streaming media rights. I know that Metallica has raised

quite a stink about that very issue. And so if by bringing up Spotify I've injured John Rodrick's prospects I apologize. And on that grim note we're going to end this episode with a final question from young Griffin McElroy. This Yahoo answer was sent in by Steven Isaacson. Thank you Steven. It's by Yahoo answer user Cooper who asks is it true if you take a cop's badge that they're not a cop anymore and you're the cop. I'm just a McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother my brother me kiss your dad. School air on the lips. Baby girls, do you want to say that I want her?