My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 175: Torsey

Episode Date: November 11, 2013

Happy birthday to all three brothers, because all three of them definitely have the same birthday, because really, what kind of parent would give two of their kids the same birthday and then leave the third one out in the cold? CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE PARENTS THAT CRUEL? Suggested talking points: Birthdaze, Martins and Sheens, Curse Squad, Online Publishing, Shoplifting Update, Horse Fuzzy, Candy Crime, Subway Hacks

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Happy birthday to us. Happy birthday to us. Happy birthday, my brother, my brother, and me. Happy birthday to us. It's the birthday episode. November 8th was the day, or according on November 10th, but I guess it's all of our birthdays on November 8th. Today we are all birthdays. Gotta do this every year. Not just every year since we've been doing the podcast, but like every year since I was fucking

born, and I'm sorry. I don't know if you guys know how fucking baby gestation works with that shit was out of my control. Forgive me if I've mentioned this before, but Gervyn, have you looked into legally changing your birthday? You know, it's funny to bring that up, because Jay-Z I think just did that. Jay-Z did a tweet last week where he's like, yeah, my birthday's on Tuesday, but guess what? I'm having my party on Monday, so now my birthday's on Monday. And I think if Jay-Z is allowed to do that, I don't understand why I can't. Oh, my birthday cake's ready. Excuse me. Travis is making a birthday cake for himself, and he's just gonna leave the podcast. That's what's sad about that. That's just a normal,

regular thing folks do. That's just a normal thing that people do. Just folks. Gryffin, your birthday is April 17th. Right, that's what I'm saying. It's not like November 8th rolled around and like Gryffin, time to come out. I was like, nah, I'm gonna lamp in here for like six more months. I got a pretty good situation up in here. I just set up my broadband internet access, so I'm gonna chill in the womb. I want to come out registered with social services. I want to come out with some knuckle hair. 87's gonna be a way, way, way better year than 86, so I'm just gonna chill in here. If you want to go ahead and get the paperwork going, and then I can just like slide out into that shit, that would be actually pretty dope for me.

No, it is not Gryffin's birthday, but it is my birthday. I turn 33. It's Jesus year, everybody. This is the year I do miracles. And it's my birthday. I turn 30, so this is the beginning of my teaching. I have 30 to 33. Yeah, your teaching begins now. I gotta get up on that old rug cross. Important question, Travis, and I think I posed this to you before, but is it dirty or flirty? You know, it's gonna have to be dirty, dirty, in which I forgo all hygiene. Okay. Travis, do you feel, I don't know if you've postulated on this at all, but that's not the right word. Meditated on this. Ruminated. Postulated. Meticulated. Do you feel weirdly younger at 30 than you did at 29? I do, and here's why. What I

have now gone from being the oldest 20-year-old in the group to being the youngest 30-year-old in the group. You know what I mean? So it's like I've entered a new chamber, right? And now I'm at the beginning of a different line. I guess externally, that makes sense, but internally, all your sperm is dying. Well, that's because of my hot pants. I'm sorry, you're what? My hot pants. I wear heated pants. He's not giving those up for 30. Are they prescription? Like what? Well, I got cold bottom, and so I have to wear a cold bottom. Yeah, I have to wear electric pants. Isn't that sort of like, you're not gonna build an immunity to heat if you just keep... Griffin, I'm 30 at this point. Like, my body's not gonna start producing

its own butt heat at this point. I guess you got a good point. This is my brother, my brother means an advice show for the modern era. Let's get into the advice and do we introduce ourselves by the way? I'm Justin McRoy. It's my birthday. I'm Travis McRoy. It's my birthday. Griffin McRoy, it's not my birthday, but I was, you know what? I was born on Good Friday, and I think that that is probably why I just decided to delay it. Did you know that you're Good Friday, 1987? They actually call it Great Friday. Exactly. I was born. It's a little birthday joke I like to tell, and it's not my birthday. Just keep my spirits up. A couple of weeks ago, I found a note inside my locker at school. It said, and this is roughly translated from Norwegian,

been thinking about you a lot lately, phone number, call me, heart shape. Well, I said someone's put this in the wrong locker or something, so I ignored it. How's your world? How's your self-esteem, Doc? Yeah. Pretty good, huh? Today on the 7th of November, I found another note in my locker, which said almost exactly the same thing. My problem is that I'm quite paranoid over stuff like this. I do not know how to respond. Please help, brothers. That's from paranoid in Norway. I totally get it. You're absolutely right not to respond and be completely paranoid about the situation. You're right. Most spies are Norwegian, so like if it's a spy thing, you're worried about then 100 percent right. I think you have one of two things to be paranoid about, and one more so

than the other. One is that you have a young child, Vampyrus, who is trying to court and befriend you and ultimately use you for all of your days for her sinister purposes. And two is that it's some bullies and they're trying to entrap you into looking stupid. But I'm assuming this is in Norway though, and so I think the Vampyrus is probably a bit more likely. It's dark for a super long time over there. Well, it's also possible that it's just like a really weird person. Yeah, but that seems unfunny. What if I think it might be a griff? It smells like a griff to me. This has like... You think like long con? I think a full griff. It feels like the beginning of a griff. If they were like, I love it when you bring that briefcase full of money that you always carry with

you. I hope you'll do that tomorrow. Well, that's why it's the long con. You start really early and say, hey seventh grader, I really like it when you leave a nickel every day underneath this rock, right? Because then you've got them for like 65 years. It's a long con. A lot of nickels. Maybe this is the next evolution of the, I'm a Nigerian prince and I need $10,000 to secure the six million and I'll totally send you like 5.5 of that. Maybe they're decreasing their scope and scale a little bit. They're scaling and scoping it down just a bit and then they're going after our youths. And they're also lowering their expectation of the reward and it's like instead of like $10,000, you know, blah, blah, blah, they just say, I really like the new Kings of Leon CD.

And then they get a Kings of Leon CD? They get a bunch of Kings of Leon CDs. I don't think most people want one of those. I think most people want a lot. They're very talented band. I don't enjoy their new stuff as much as youth and young manhood, but it's pretty okay. I feel like if someone's not going to leave a name or any sort of identifying features to this, I feel like they're trying to fuck you. They're trying to fuck you and not in like with the capital F. The sex way. Yeah. Yeah. This is bad news. I just throw it away. Ignore it. Is it? Okay, wait, let me throw this out though. Counterpoint. Devil's advocate. Vampirist's advocate. Yeah. It sounds like question asker is a very shy, like low self esteem person.

So what if the person who's leaving this note is just another shy, low self esteem person? I mean, I guess it's so unactionable. Like it doesn't seem worth putting your cycles in it, unless you are willing. Ooh, what if you're willing to do a sting? Ooh, what if you're willing to leave the police, park your car outside your locker solo career in a discreet? No, not a Gordon Sumner sting where you park your car outside your locker in like a discreet place and like keep the headlights off and stuff and just have a bunch of, I think they usually have a bunch of fast food wrappers in there and binoculars and you just wait. And then Martin Sheen falls from the roof of the building that you're parked outside next to and spiders all

over the ground like in Departon. That is actually how 90% of sting operations end. It's also important that there's another pair of people that come and relieve you after like, I think it's like 10 or 12 hours and you guys share some clips about how nothing happened and then moments after they start their shift, something goes down. Martin Sheen falls from the roof. That's why he put Martin Sheen pushed. It's such a bad gig that Martin Sheen ended up with falling out of windows predominantly. I mean, at least. How was your shift? Oh, it's just fucking raining Martin's and Sheen's out here. It is. But not Martin Sheen. There's been lots of Martin Smiths and lots of Stephen Sheen's. That's why that's why Emilio Estevez changed his name because he didn't want

into the family. I don't want any of that shit. I'm not going to do it. I'm too busy. So one of the, this is going to, one of the, this whole racket's going to be, you know, and Charlie Sheen's gotten really good at falling from high places. What's up? Oh, that was terrible Travis. You know what? I'm actually going to switch my recommendation. Go ahead and give this number a call because you miss 100% of the shots you don't take, even if those shots will get you killed in an alley. You guys want a yahoo? This yahoo was sent in by Ben Noteboom. Thanks, Ben. Spayahoo answers user Eric who asks, how do I go about destroying a cursed item? Mmm. My sister is an atheist and she has a Wiccan friend. Her friend gave my sister a stone that

she apparently hexed so that my sister would have better focus. That's not a hex. That's a blessing. Go on. Anyways, I want to destroy the stone because it was hexed using evil spirits, but I do not want to release anything into my life or my family's lives. How would I go about doing that? This is just coming from such a place of ignorance. Is it? Because it's clearly not evil spirits because it's a blessing. You know, you see it every day where people are like, I've been given a totem to protect me and everyone's like, oh, black magic. I'm like, no, that's pretty white magic. That's like as white as you get, you guys. Right, but I mean, it's still, I mean, there's still a spirit occupying. There's a spirit that's just like, hey, Martha,

listen, you've been on Facebook long enough. You need to do your homework. You have to feed. This Latin is not going to like worm its way into your brain without some effort. You've got to work for it. Well, so then you say like, I'm afraid of destroying the item and releasing the nerdy spirit out into the world. What if you, I mean, destroying it seems fine. I think if it was up to me, I would probably destroy it, but like make sure it was in a ring of salt. That seems to be popular. Right. But then what is, you just have this fucking salt ring that you can't, you can't like. No, you do it at a friend's house. Oh, right. But then they have this salt prison and as soon as like, I don't know if the cat gets in it, that by cat, like that cat's done.

I think you should ignore the curse part of it. And instead of starting asking the question, how do I destroy a stone? Because I don't know the answer to that. I think if you, if you have any cursed items, stone or otherwise, I think you can just drop it off at the little exchange box that they have at Best Buy, you know, in the front where like you're supposed to put your printer cartridges and like cell phone batteries. I think they actually do have a slot for, for, for cursed items. But don't put it in there if they're out of the little baggies. Oh yeah. That's just so weird. I think the Geek Scott will be able to take care of that for you. And maybe they can install windows on your, on your Windows PC for like $800. That does explain

why the last time I was at Best Buy, I saw someone on the Geek Squad biting the head off a chicken and dumping its blood into a ring of stones. Oh no, that's to fix a virus on a Mac. And then charging $800 to put Windows on your PC, to literally put a disk in a disk drive and then press the go button on Windows. There's a big button that says go for Windows? Yes or no? And if you click no, it's like, are you sure? Because like you bought the Windows already and this is a Windows computer. We can just do this for you because it's, it's like a CD. $800 service. Thanks Geek Squad. Couldn't have, couldn't have done it without you. Don't know what I'd do without you in my life. Which one of you is a secret agent? You have to tell me legally. Which one of you has

the intersect in your head? You have to tell me. You have to tell me by law or else it's entrapment. Why can't your sisters pound on some ginkgo? Yeah, that could work. I don't think ginkgo below but it's got like evil spirits in it, natively. But you, I mean the damage is done. You have, they have the cursed item now. Am I, am I crazy to say that like if his sister is an atheist, doesn't that mean she doesn't believe in like curses and blessings and hexes and spirits and shit? Yeah. I mean like by definition as an atheist. You don't have to believe in ghosts to have sex with one. You know what I mean? I mean that's true. You don't have to believe in a ghost in order to

have it be having sex with you. I don't believe in guns but I still don't want one in my house. You don't agree with guns. You, you believe that guns exist. Okay, you're getting into semantics here. You may not believe in guns but you can still definitely be shot to death by one is what I'm saying. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. I think we're all on the same page. I don't know why we're arguing. Yeah, you're right Griffin. This is silly. Now let's move on to another question. I've recently been meeting a lot of new people and you guys are going to forget you have a coffee and then it just like oh I feel tired and then you remember that you made a coffee before the show. Yeah, what's even worse is when you've just gotten your car and driven like two blocks away

from your house and going shit I poured a cup of coffee. I made that coffee. I hate it when you forget that you're in the middle of reading a question on a widely syndicated comedy podcast and instead like just talk about something else. You ever noticed? By the way I'm thoroughly Griffin. This is the beginning. From here it's all downhill. It's all like, you know what I like? Vanilla to Trolls. That's the phase of this show we're going into. I watched CBS Sunday Morning this morning which I really shouldn't do because more often than not it makes me angry. They had an opinion section that was delivered by contributing editor Paula Poundstone and it made me want to eat a sword. It made me want to stab a sword down through my stomach. Is Paula Poundstone the new

Andy Rooney? Is that the thing? I think that she experienced the quickening upon his death and got on there like I think Obamacare is going to work because once YouTube didn't work and I got it to work. Poundstone out! It was like that was that was three minutes of my life Paula Poundstone. I'm never getting that back. I do love your bow tie though. End of that. Anyway I've been recently meeting a lot of new people and in an attempt to make conversation they've been asking me what's your story? I have a hard time talking about myself sometimes. So how am I supposed to respond to that question? Do they really want a summary of my life up until this point? What do I say when someone asks me that? That's from Flustered in Philly. What's your story? The Hobbit? What's yours?

That seems weirdly, does that seem weirdly antagonistic? It's like something like a hard-boiled cop asks someone in a movie like what's your story? What's your story toots? Stop singing canary. Come clean Maroney! Do you think that that question is giving rise in this generation because traditionally what you would ask is what do you do for a living? And that question has become this thorny bramble bush to navigate with the with today's youths because most youths and by youths I mean people my age we don't know what the fuck we're doing you know what I mean? None of us know. I feel like what's your story like falls somewhere between the weird question of like either what's your deal which I feel is super antagonistic and you are

which is like really aloof and elitist. So like what's your story is kind of right between those two and it makes you see both kind of a dick and kind of a douche at the same time. But more importantly dick douche you can it's it's hi dick douche what's your story more importantly though if someone asks you and by you I mean the youths of my generation generation um what are we now like delta they ask you they ask you they ask a delta like what's your story and you can say I've been thinking about getting into like artisanal beekeeping you can't use that answer when somebody asks you what you do for a living because you don't do it yet you know what I mean I I actually I hate the what do you do for a living question because there is a here's what I do

I write about video games on the internet and I do a comedy podcasts I do two comedy podcasts there is a very high probability that I am going to have to explain as part of my job description some core concepts to the person I'm talking to specifically their ages above 50 or even more insulting you have to find a way to intimate that yes you earn a living wage doing this thing it's not some joke job you know what I mean Cindy's grandfather until I mean probably until we launched polygon in in the beginning of 2012 uh still asked me when I was going to get a job I mean I fully fully was employed at several different locales at that point and and still was curious when I was going to get into the working world but don't you think that that is

like becoming especially for people our age and younger becoming like more of the norm and less of the exception yeah and that's like oh what do you do like oh I work for an independent brewery so many fuck first of all that's an awesome awesome job of venerable craft I that everybody our whole world of generation delta would be fixed in a second if everyone would get on that micro tip where he's like everybody needs to go learn some fucking skills and I listen to him I hear him on the bill O'Reilly talk show radio program and he's like everybody needs to go out there and learn how to plum because if you knew how to plum you'd be fucking set for life and if we do you the motherfucker went before congress and before congress like is that you motherfuckers

learn to plum learn to plum you dumb shits name any problem in politics american politics right now that wouldn't be fixed if everybody knew a trade craft they could profit off of like everybody needs health insurance like if you knew how to plum you'd be fucking making bank and you could just like pay for whatever elective procedures you want or need and people ask you what's your deal plumber you know what I mean like it would be so I have an actual actual real world skill I guess yeah what's your deal one thing hey man that's that's the best thing about my stupid job is that I get to say I'm a carpenter I'm a carpenter and if I don't feel like saying theatrical car hey I'm in a hurry summarize yourself in a phrase if you can oh me I'm

electrician get out of here I'm done I'm done already with you I'm gonna bookmark you in my head Chad electrician oh that's Chad the electrician I need some work done and I have lots I have lots of money and I need electric work done I'm gonna continue supporting him now here's the thing the other side of that though is that when they go okay Travis carpenter then later when they're like I have this uh table that needs fixed oh Travis is a carpenter the nice thing about telling someone that you're a small batch barrel maker no one's ever gonna call you to come fix their barrels yeah I guess if you don't want money what are you talking about no but I don't like freelance carpent I don't think carpent is the I'm a carpenter I'm really I'm really more of an edutainer

that's what I'm gonna start telling people me I'm an edutainment I like I like to cross the bridge between education and entertainment as an edutainer I just I feel like jindal is entire everybody I know hi jindal what's your story everyone every dictus jindal is somehow in the business of online publishing everybody in our fucking world except for the guy who comes and fixes my pipes when they break is in the business of online publishing and at a party when someone says what aspect of online publishing are you involved in you can't be like oh I'm a leader creative consulting marketing so do you think what they're asking what's your story they're literally asking what story did you online publish yes oh I did best 10 best pictures

of cats and mason jars oh I remember that great work hey this guy did the cats and mason jars post that is great oh I love that guy you remember how I think I think he's got the really small really really sick cat that's like super famous is he around no bones no bone cat oh I remember no bones he's great I feel like the less you could tell someone the better I think you should try to keep it close what's your story classified no I mean give him something so I you know I grew up in the hills now I'm in the city just trying to make my way I dabble I dabble I grew up in the marshes and then I lived in the mountains for a while and then the swamps and I'm just spent a little time in the glen I'm just naming magic the gathering energy card types now

I collect you for a living I collect magic cards for a living there probably is somebody making a living doing that and they have to explain that shit at parties dude give it up give it up and learn how to like clean gutters or something this is what I'm saying I think we need an encyclopedia of non-offensive job titles that are all like euphemism for what you it's like what do you do I've got a huge assortment of magic cards that I sell for a living what do you do I'm a trades collector you know something that like doesn't make any sense but when you say it everybody goes oh okay and it's like what do you do oh I make tiny models of World of Warcraft battle grounds what do you do I'm a carpenter right and then somebody if they care to you can go look in

the inside the encyclopedia flip the carpenter go well they make models of World of Warcraft I don't think it says that in the encyclopedia though that was a crazy thing you just said that is maybe the most nonsensical thing you've ever said on this entire well it'll be a very Orwellian lifestyle in which everybody is just assigned a bullshit term for the real ass job you're saying that we should boil our like I should uh we should boil our jobs down to the actual base mechanic like I should tell people I'm a typist and and talker at a party though and somebody says what do you do and you say online publishing their response is gonna be don't be an asshole like we're all in online publishing of course you are of course you're an online

publishing who isn't asshole I think that we have developed this reverse aristocracy we're look around your office right now and then try like look at anything and try and imagine with your brain how that thing got made you can't you fucking idiot you can't someone else made it and they're laughing at you they're laughing at you because you they don't know how to do shit and they can introduce themselves really easily at parties I make lamps I'm a lampman my entire understanding of the the built world has is drawn from 99% invisible so what that means is that when I see an everyday object I still have no idea uh uh how it was made but I assume the person that created it was a beautiful soul that could teach me about something about life because that

seems to be the way of things we have ugly stupid live journal souls and can I just throw this out we do not appreciate those beautiful souls enough financially I mean monetarily not enough appreciation they're doing fine though that's what Mike Rose saying people can't make a living because there's three paid online publishing jobs and there's approximately 5.5 billion people scrambling for them right now but you know what's up my toilet's been clogged for like two years because nobody knows how to fucking deal with it anymore your toilet's been clogged for two years that's what I'm saying it's rough and tumble down here in Austin Austin is the Austin is the home of online publishing everybody in us we don't have a government because people don't know how to govern

they know how to write blogs about government got a huffpo free contributors down here but we don't have any anybody within public speaking skills it's a fucking mess we don't have cops we don't have cops that can enforce the laws that nobody's right here's a deal that posts like top 10 15 worst crimes right they'll go to like they'll go to Boston and like a couple beat the shit out of them and they'll record it and they'll put it up like isn't this terrible yeah it's terrible I wish we had any cops in Austin my house has been my house hasn't been burgled because nobody learned like how to pick a fucking lock because nobody fucking knows how tumblers work they know how tumbler works but they don't know how it's a fucking joke I'm quitting the pot I'm quitting the

podcast I'm quitting online publishing and I'm gonna learn that I'm gonna go like fucking tan leather or something like that I'm gonna fucking figure it out can I just say how much I would watch that not like as a show but just day today I would just sit and watch you try to learn to tan you are part of the fucking problem Travis because if I start tanning leather and then like someone starts doing a blog about it you're gonna read the blog you're not gonna buy my leather goods and then I'm gonna die I can build a goddamn chair from scratch I'll race you I'll make a chair entirely out of leather and you make a chair entirely out of wood and we'll see which one sells on leather chair we'll see which one sells on Etsy first and then I'll write a blog

about it and I'll write a blog about it it'd be like Julia and Julia was that movie called Julia Julia Julie and Julia I believe I think it was called Julie versus Julia Battle Royale another question you think I need to stop getting so worked up during this podcast and yeah I got a lot I got a lot of uh lost prevention professionals emailing us to this listen I'm not saying I wasn't I should clear this up I wasn't saying that everyone should shoplift all the time I was only saying I don't understand why everyone doesn't shoplift all the time that's a skill it is a victimless crime less crime specifically if you don't get caught if you don't get caught or even if you do they can't do anything someone was saying that there's a what is

it shopkeepers privilege which says that you are allowed to detain somebody who you think has shop lifted and I say good good luck sirs no there's a thing I want to want somebody you said as an email though that was great because it also reflected something that happened to me when I worked at Best Buy and this dude worked at Best Buy and he said that they caught this kid shoplifting and told them to wait for the cops and he did and he sat there for 30 minutes till the cops came and they were like yeah the CDs in his bag cops break open his bag and inside his bag is a bag of cocaine a bag of marijuana a loaded gun oh my god and their CDs and the kid just fucking sat there and waited for a half an hour the kids like listen if you're gonna arrest me for the shoplifting

you can't arrest me for the drugs that's double jeopardy I know my right I watched 15 minutes of double jeopardy on stars I think I know the law I know my rights that was from James thank you James that story James that happened to me once where a kid came in and used to stolen credit card and then he tried to return those items for money and that's when we got him because the cops came after he used the credit card and so like that's a crime yeah so he came in bought the things the cops came in were like hey um did somebody use a credit card to buy such and such as I was like oh yeah he did because he showed him to me on his way out and then the kid walked back in like five minutes later was like you know I don't need these can I return them for cash and the cops and I

just like stand there looking at him so the cops just grab him and then they're like can we check your car and the kids like oh yeah sure and he's cars just full of stolen stuff I don't want to steal things and as such our friend Warby Parker is revolutionizing the world of iCare it's true don't laugh I'm starting to think that Warby Parker is like Hulu plus in that like everybody already has it so it's like it's like we because I see everybody on Facebook like just got my Warby Parker's in and I know those people don't listen to our show I'm saying they are already worldwide and I don't know I think we're kind of a drop in the bucket here but let's do our best glasses shouldn't cost as much as an iPhone guys I've been saying this forever at Warby Parker

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glasses at warbyparker.com slash my brother and when you use the promo code usually takes about 10 business days to get to you with the promo code you're going to get them in three business days no big deal it's just great i'm hungry i'm so hungry i've never been this hungry before man that really took a turn jesson do you want some salty do you want some salty crusty sugar sugar slug of that junk in your urethra i'm not interested in it ho ho's no knows twinkies forget about you want a big bowl of junkums junkums keepums that's what i say no these are bagged junkums no that's junk what i need is with olestra nature box that's uh i'm excited nature box is a sponsor because i was actually into the nature box game before they sponsored us

and i was so excited to have them they here's what you do let me give you the pitch uh you go to naturebox.com and you fill a box up with healthy snacks this is like really good stuff they got french toast granola salted caramel pretzel pops those shits are out of control i just had like this mango puffed rice kind of bites oh my god they're insane delicious and you can get them all in one box you get a new shipment every month if you want to choose your stuff cool if not they'll choose it for you and it's the shipping is free fantastic and what's better is for being a listener of ours okay you're gonna be able to get your first box half off oh half off are you kidding me does that mean they only include half the food that you ordered no no it just means the boxes

cut in half and stuff falls out one end yeah that sounds shitty why would we get this shitty promo to people this is a money thing it's yeah so you go to naturebox.com and use the coupon or use the promo code my brother that's promo code my brother and naturebox.com you're gonna get that first box half off it's really delicious stuff and they have a huge selection it's like you know they got salty stuff they got sweet stuff there's stuff that like individually wrap bars and all of it comes in like resealable packages so like you can take it with you and like are you into umami flavors they have that i got a message for steven yey watch your fucking back

love naturebox no traps what's my message you're gonna open one of those nature boxes and this can be full of anthrax bombs and vampire bats this message is for steven yey it's from the archery guild of calamitous intent uh what better gift can we get the man who has everything than a personal message from your three favorite brothers a crossbow perhaps a falcon possibly but we figured this would be a fitting gift after your impromptu live reading of the sexy garfield fanfiction at melon robb's birthday dinner last year happy birthday steve may your day be full of bacon sounds to me like steve ruined robin mel's birthday and this is the punishment instead of a crossbow do not remember signing off on letting someone else read our shit out loud i do not

remember licensing out that materials you read it at mel brooks and rob dirrick's birthday their confine party steve oh uh happy birthday and watch your fucking back graphene we got another message yeah this one is for brinn boatman it's from evan smale who says to my best friend you done it happy 20th haunted birthday try not to get too spooked on your big day now something tells me this one's supposed to be halloween themed and that we and that we have slipped up um just a little bit let me try to alter it a little bit to my best friend you done done it happy 20th um pilgrim birthday try not to get too turkeyed on your big day maze cornucopia happy 20th birthday birthday try not to get too born on your big day because then

it's celebrating our birthdays i like that i'm cassey thorn bullseye is all about discovering the good stuff in culture that will do nothing less than change your life you know i've never heard anything like it before it'd be like seeing a new color which i guess is music's like biggest asset is that you can hear new sounds i'll probably never see a new color i'll probably never experience like a new crazy taste but i'll hear new sounds constantly culture picks comedy and in-depth interviews it's the good stuff and just the good stuff in popular culture every week on bullseye subscribe and itunes or find it online at maximamethun.org farm wisdom get a dubstep in your two-step farm oh

get right out of town i'd say that's one of the better ones you've done recently but recently your games have been super shitty on the farm wisdom introduction give me some farm wisdom um can i read this one yes male pigs that are going to be raised to be hogs a pig over 120 pounds didn't know that so already learning shit from farm wisdom uh male pigs that are going to be raised to be hogs a pig over 120 pounds and eaten for meat must be castrated if they aren't the testosterone makes the meat taste disgusting it's called bore taint if you've ever eaten a wild hog that tastes really gamey and shitty it's been tainted that's the craziest farm wisdom i like that changes my whole perspective on pigs it makes me feel bad for for eating them

i guess kind of a bit not very much because like they're still goddamn delicious but like to think that they have to live in terrible conditions and get their dicks cut off it's not not a good not a good life they laid not a good life not an especially it's not their dicks it's just their balls i mean they don't cut they don't cut off their dick and balls i guess it's a good point i didn't think about that whoo maybe we should cut that one out because it really is bringing me down uh you guys want a yahoo absolutely oh god this one's gonna be really tough to get through because it's sort of like could god make an object that he couldn't move sort of thing like one of those quandaries that wraps in around it on itself like a mcsher painting uh send in my

spencer lee curtis thanks spencer it's by yahoo answers user melissa who asks my horse hates other horses my horse is gentle and sweet but his personality changes toward other horses i feel absolutely awful when my horse tries to bite and scowl at horses walking by he's kicked two horses at the barn i board at and people are starting to refer to him as the crazy one i don't feel like there's much i can do to make him stop other than negative reinforcement when it happens he's generally polite but turns into an ugly monster and faced with other horse any ideas thank you for reading you're welcome is it possible that your horse is actually a bear and your oh good question is it possible this horse is a bear and you're an idiot better question

is it possible that your horse thinks it's a bear does not realize it's a horse here's the only thing though i do not think kicking is a bear's game you know i mean oh no it's important to note the horse thinks it's a bear but it's never been around other bears or it knows nothing about bears then why would it does what it thinks bears would do and give him a situation it just heard the word it heard the word bear once and it's like that sounds like something i could get into it just because the owner kept writing it bear backed and it was like oh i get it so i've got a bear back i'm a bear this is a horse that is chosen to live its life whenever possible as a bear it's a fuzzy and i think we should respect it hold up you're saying you just dropped a lot of concepts on on me

and i need you to walk backwards born that way i need you to walk back horses born that way and i respect it you're saying that the you're saying okay you're saying that within the animal kingdom okay you're saying that within the animal kingdom take as slow as you need to i'll walk you through it this is a let's start just with the basic facts i guess this is a horse we're talking about yeah right the horse sees other genuses of animals in the animal kingdom and then goes up to one of those genuses and makes a wish and says make me a bear i wish i was a bear because this just seems like a pretty cool lifestyle like we covered being being into the furry community is not all about sex right so you're saying this horse wants to this horse wants to be a bear so it acts like

it thinks a bear would it's important to know it's never come in contact with a bear so this is all conjecture yeah um on this horse does it wear a surprisingly expensive bear suit like a like a tanuki suit yeah it doesn't have money griffin don't be stupid don't be an idiot horses can't get checks what are you silly that's an important part i can't can i say that i'm a furry and then like show up to a furry con wearing like a t-shirt and jeans yes furries yes that's like that's like if you were if you were a king you're still a king even if you're not wearing your crown and your cape it's not about the accessories it's about what you have inside thank you travis yes exactly travis said okay so can it if this horse wanted to be a dolphin mm-hmm would he be a that would be a squeaky

okay is there one for every different animal are we just talking about the texture we want to find out just keep asking if if it wanted to be a scorpion that's a stingy stingy if it wanted to no this is bullshit because i if i wanted to be a horse then i would still i think i would still be classified as a furry no you would be everyone beautiful sons of bitches i think maybe that's it maybe the horse just realized that it will never be classified as the majestic one or the pretty one or the graceful one you're saying he's found he's found his niche and yeah he was like he's looking around and go look at all of us he's being we are all the majestic ones we are all the pretty one i'm going to be the fucking crazy one but that's the thing if i've learned anything from any horse

based entertainment medium mm-hmm it is that you that is the horse that you want to tame and then turns out to be the fucking dopest fastest best best racinist well i think the difference is usually you look for like the stubborn one the difficult way you don't look for like the balls crazy you don't want you don't look for the one that's gonna try to eat your toes when you're not looking yeah that's not what black beauty was about now black beauty i know that you just ate my baby but god damn it i'm gonna ride you want to break that animal spirit horses can this is an unpopular opinion but horses can look kind of crazy when they like when they like open their lips up and show you those huge chompers and their eyes open wide that is a

scary scary sight and i saw on the pigus bill curtain they do this thing like when they jump you just said four words that didn't sound like words what were they the the pig ghost bill cartoon okay the horse jumps and they are like all four of its feet leave the ground at the same time and it kind of like curves its back and it looks like a fucking crazy ass like horseshow that's a cartoon driving no but like they do it in real life too what if what if the horse that weird horse face girl was describing what if that's their natural state like and they just gussy it up for when humans are around well that's the time they're working really hard to keep it together i can't let my lips do that weird thing makes me look like the horse embodiment of robin williams impersonation

that is what they look like though this is the this we're joking about this because we don't want to answer the fucking like hard hard question we love horses so god damn much i think about them all day especially in the shower i got to ride one on my honeymoon and it was fucking glorious that's what i'm saying to you was it familiar with you from your work it was it was like oh you're the horse advocate Travis mancroy we've read so much about in our horse case i'll make sure not to destroy your balls and dick with my crazy spine um i've only ridden a horse once and it destroyed both my balls and my dick with its crazy crazy spine it was like it was like riding that one spinosaur i think that was the dinosaur with the like crazy spine fan terrible terrible

for my situation um what were we talking about i've told you once i told you a thousand times that was a motorcycle and you could say it was a dinosaur as many times you want this horse is actively hurting other beautiful perfect horses what do we what do we do about that can you just sequester it i what do you mean i mean just like make it never see other horses again a life without looking at horses you might as well send it to hell oh let me throw this out equest blind it that's a terrible you understand well no then it can totally be around other horses but don't worry oh it would smell oh i smell a fucking i love cut its nose off i blind it cut its nose off pull its teeth out oh god what are you talking about but then it's still gonna go and ride it

majestically you think any horse is gonna look anything but disheveled and resentful after that this procedure that you're going to ask me sweet mask it's going to hear the horses you gotta cut those ears right off there cut the ears off it's still gonna want to kick things so those hoes gotta go mm-hmm come on torsey torsey the torso horse touch him and your wish has come true i don't want to daddy i don't want to touch him don't make me touch him come on touch the god hard game coming up i need a win touch him touch torsey your mom's not gonna come back unless you touch torsey for daddy come on go ahead child how are you speaking to me your mouth is gone i'm speaking to you through the equestriverse touch me child it's the only way your mother's

coming back to daddy no i think travis should be forced to leave its ears on because i want i want it to hear the things that people say about it and that's to the pain i want him when the children walk by and whisper dear god what is that thing what is that i want that to be forever and it's perfect ears uh poor torsey it could probably still survive right if you want to send us fan art of torsey just draw a bean draw a hairy bean that'll look like most of its head it's still gonna need a brain up in there draw a bean with a brain dangling off don't get me wrong horse his hearts are the biggest most perfect and wonderful hearts capable of more love than every human in the world combined but still need some think meat in there to process can we store can we store the brain

inside torsey's torso behind glass like krang um yes man wouldn't that be great if they may see biscuits who with torsey and he's still somehow i guess he just like rolled really fast and he won the big race just gotta give him something to chase but he can't smell he can't smell here here move live bang a gong in front of him hope that the vibrations steer in the right way he would make a great bobsled though that's for god damn sure my office had a halloween party which resulted in a large bucket of candy being left over and set out in a common area the next morning all the candy except for the milky weights were gone a coworker claims to be the sole witness but doesn't want it to get out because that would create workplace tension between adults over candy

should i press my coworker to snitch this was probably 20 to 30 dollars in good candy and this is not the first time that happened that's from snitch which oh man how many times perfect crime i know let me just who takes all the candy except milky weights basically the best candy bar so whoever i mean i guess leaving that behind is such a huge clue because it's like who in the office doesn't like milky weights robert robert god damn it i knew it was you robbie you fucked us for the last time robbie is that 20 to 30 dollars pre halloween or post halloween because that goes way down that's like down to like 10 15 dollars at walgreens are you providing us with the price of the candy because you're thinking that they're gonna fence it because

if that's the case why wouldn't they just take the milky ways to know that there needs to be there needs to be some some reparations made you're telling they need to provide everybody in the office with yes they play they employ 60 people so they need to pay i don't know 30 to 50 cents per person how much do you have to fucking love butterfingers and snickers and twigs that it is worth 20 to you the possibility that one of your co-workers will have a visual of you like with a duffle bag just raking candy into it except for oops no a milky way got in there got a filter that back out i would actually pay 20 to see an adult person doing that i think it would be worth it i think what you're missing out on is that it's the principle of the thing and not the monetary

value because if it were me if it were my workplace a i would be the one who'd stolen the candy but b the problem is is at that point it's like that was all of our candy and and steve yummied it down yeah but you're 30 you're what you're 30 now travis and i have a hard truth for you except and that's that you can't eat candy anymore just just don't tell you all about it once you hit 30 you can't eat candy anymore that should it comes up the words it comes up the work so so bad you can well i know you can't do starburst but i figured like a york peppermint pouty isn't going to mess it up i'm 33 now and i really i am to a point where and this is just this is just started to happen but like i start to feel weird about eating candy

yeah it seems like i don't know like i've got some candy here and it's seems like it's for kids now i guess good news is you do travis you mentioned starburst you can't eat starburst anymore but can i suggest this substitute of metamucil fiber juice just as good and they keep their they keep your python what are you into skittles skittles aren't going to do you anymore but how about these centrum daily vitamins they're like they're like skittles that you have to eat or else you'll die because you're 30 years old now and your body just won't fix itself anymore the way it used to you got to keep filling it with nutrients and supplements i'm sad now well that's i wish i hadn't gotten old i know there's nothing you can do about it well not now it's you have no idea what

it's like being the youngest brother it's like i have like two portraits of myself that a wizard painted and they're both i can watch them both getting older in front of me and it's like oh i'm gonna be that and then i'm gonna be that it's it's really it's really fucking terrifying why does one of your portraits have a beard um because i i have high hopes one of these days it's gonna happen for me i'm gonna start producing grifty of yahoo for us sure this yahoo was sent in by steven and rick thanks steven it's about yahoo answers user diddy who asks best subway meat sandwich i've been wanting to try something new i love cold cuts and cheeses not a fan of turkey or chicken subs what combination of meats and cheeses could i get that would be good and on what type of

bread have you tried the pate with quail eggs uh order that see what kind of reaction you get is there is there a way to um you know how like there's always um online publishing things going around of like how to hack chipotle and like really really sad ways of getting like some extra guac you know i mean like ask for a meat a medium-sized tub of guac and then have them put it in a large container and you'll get 1.5 extra ounces of guac i was like wow man that's that's a lot of steps to go through for just a little bit extra guac is there a way to hack subway to get bigger better beefier more robusto sandwich get the cookies on the sandwich you're saying when they ask what toppings do you what toppings yeah what topping you say i want a large soda on there yeah

can i get a second crunch up some of the lace potato chips onto the can i get a second sandwich inside that sandwich please and then you can keep doing that forever until the universe is all sandwiches do you guys uh what do you guys get at subway what's your subway jam i haven't been to a subway in so long because do you know why because those places fucking stink they stink they do there's a combination gas station and subway by my house oh my god every time i walk into the gas station it smells like sick it smells like someone's vomit yeah i being subway adjacent is terrible i used to work at the country's best yogurt um and it really just it wasn't a brand name for us it fucking meant something um but that country's best yogurt was right next door to a subway and we would

get a little bit of stink through the vents and then you would go in on your lunch break because there was nothing else to eat in a 3.5 mile radius so you would go into the subway and i would get my you know whatever sandwich i could get for $2.50 because i was broke like a bad joke and then you come back and be like oh you went to subway i can tell because you carried it with you the smell of it it gets in your fucking clothes you got a pig pin s cloud of subway it's like every subway comes with its own like methane leak like that's part of the in order to franchise it out it's like let's see you got a sandwich station you got a hood to prevent people from like sweating and bleeding and snodding into the meats that's great and let's just go ahead and break this pipe all

right you're good to go have fun so lots of sammies see you in a year to make sure that leak still going because man it's important that was actually one of my favorite things about the brief stent at jimmy johns i worked where doesn't have a stink doesn't have a stink at jimmy doesn't have a stink also doesn't like customize sandwiches all they'll do is not put things on it you know what i mean so people come in like uh could i get the number 12 but could i get that with no it's really stinging no i just want to add extra no i remember you could get an extra slice of like muttrel on your sandwich and it was a dollar hey guess what fuck you jimmy johns i can go buy a whole package of it at kroger's for a dollar and then i can have like a full blown cheese explosion on my

sandwich i'd love that for a while and he might still do it jimmy johns whole thing was like like we're just sandwiches we don't toast them we don't do soup we don't do specialty sand just sandwiches it's like so your whole sales pitch is we don't do extra things we don't we just do the one thing and we do it okay that'll be 14 dollars we do not go above and beyond by any means these are our seasonal sandwiches prepared by expert chefs who've been apprenticing since they were 13 and also they're 16 now and they're so good at sandwiches that'll be 14 59 the problem i have with ordering a subway and trying to get a perfect sandwich is that and this is this should help this question ask her so i'm happy to pitch in here i i can't i always feel awkward about

ordering a topping and then i i get pretty specific like when i'm watching them put the topping on i feel like it's really i i feel like this urge to control the amount of that topping that i'm getting like if i ask for green peppers i don't want 50 and there are inclinations usually to put 50 on there thank you you're an artist that's very generous or mustard they spread they fucking they ejaculate that mustard onto your sandwich with the carelessness of like a lunatic watering their front yard like it's it's night it's a nightmare to watch that's why i no matter what i get no matter what i get at subway i always say and i'd like that with this and this and this and i'd like to make it myself can i get back can i get back there and let me just i know exactly

how much lettuce i want please do not touch it with your stupid service person hands i know shit at the the sub i don't want to put this particular subway chain on blast although if the quality control hasn't picked up since the time i worked at the country's best yogurt they've definitely either closed or been closed by some sort of government agency somebody was cutting bread cut cut clean into their finger and then kept trying to do the sandwich hey lady you're not a fucking master chef like you're not under a tight time constraint someone else can go ahead and take the reins from you on this particular sandwich let me get that with the oil and vinegar and salt and pepper a little bit of lettuce and like a half pint of your blood you're not on

fucking chopped like i if it's okay if this sandwich takes a while to make and if someone else does it i can happily confirm that subway is still open by the way griffin so don't even worry about it great well i'm not gonna i'm sure there's a lot of subways adjacent to the country's best yogurts in the country not so many anymore i don't think this one was in on eight street in huntington west virginia have fun guys this week's episode was brought to you by subway specifically the one subway on eight street in huntington west virginia this is narrow casting and it's best um this has actually just been my brother my brother and me it's like a it's a podcast for advice and jokes and love and laughter and and the whole app where's

the time go i know right it's it flies by it feels like it's been about an hour and three minutes for me actually it's time for me to start sweeping up saddles back into the old trunks we need sad ending music like dumbo circus had get back in the wagon we're saying goodbye thank you so much for reminding me of that show uh so i'm gonna get off right now and watch it on hulu plus what about if it's like show me that smile it's like uh it's like the growing pains theme but like a funeral dirge which is how the i think that's how the show ended remember everybody go to naturebox.com use the coupon code my brother and you're gonna save 50 off how is that how is that typed can you provide the exact typing of okay in our notes

it has a space so try it with a space first if that doesn't work capital M capital B with a space with a space try that first if that doesn't work to try it all together uh but but uh nature box go get you some and let us know if you get any any good snacks i can personally recommend the banana bread granola that's really good sinney likes the santa fe corn sticks if you get chili lime pistachios if you get some of those my way because we did get a sample box and rachel did eat all of them before i had a chance to taste any here's the good news all the nature box snacks are really healthy and made from good stuff and no weird no weird ingredients no mystery ingredients so she can eat as many as she wants she's not gonna grow a horn or anything no i know but i wanted i wanted

as much as she wants is all of them what's my favorite flavor combo chili and lime what's my favorite nut pistachio uh yeah i think i would have liked some of those uh thank you to everybody tweeting about the show helping us spread the word we know we had some issues last week with the download totally for once not our fault uh it was a fault of our friends at libson should be working now listen they provide a great service this was it's so rare that things things go sideways but i i re-uploaded it a third time so if you if you missed it last week it should be working now i hope um i want to thank john rogerick in the long winter so the use of our theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed are they touring right now because i just

read like a concert review of theirs from they're definitely playing some shows i don't know if it's like a full-blown tour but yeah man god playing out damn it i would i would kill to see that i know i know um so if you're the long winters and you're listening come on by our house and do a show no the long winters with the tea what what did you what did justin say i swear i said the long winters which just sounds like a group of people that tell really long boring stories yeah no they have a name for that it's called my brother my brother in me that's our show folks thank you so much for listening if you have one last question i'm just still i'm so upset about these pistachios the bag the bag wasn't open and she was like i thought it was because you didn't want them

and it was actually the opposite it was i was so excited to eat them i was like saving it for it we can treat because this final yahoo was sent by andrew garcia thanks andrew it's by yahoo answers user richard who asks what determines a moose's coloration i'm just a macaroy i'm travis macaroy drifter macaroy this has been my brother my brother make it back in the wagon we're saying goodbye kiss your dad square on the way maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported Justin what are you doing uh strapping a uh chicken in my arm heard there's some uh plague out west so i just wanted to you know kind of get out ahead of it

Justin if you'd ever listen to our medical history podcast saw bones where we talk about everything from trepanation to bloodletting you would know that that is a ridiculous idea and it will never work saw but i haven't caught it saw bones yes it's every friday on the maximumfun network and we record it together doctor something yes