My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 177: Juicy Crust

Episode Date: November 26, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! We hope you remembered that Thanksgiving is this week, because we most certainly did not. Suggested talking points: London Vinegar, iPhone 63, Fleshy Mannequins, Purse Mystery, Subway Hacks, Double Ghosts, Undercover Fat Boss, Badminton Lethality

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, welcome my brother, my brother and me in it. I'm Justin McElroy. He's out of stroke. I was in England for a week one night. Now this is how I sound, isn't it? We are making podcast history right now because it's definitely the first time in podcast history that one of the hosts of the podcast has spoken for the entire episode in one long word, one long

joined constant word. I also think it's possible that we have somehow traveled back in time and changed the past so that Justin is fading away. I spent a week abroad, didn't I? This is how I talk now. I'm in Obama, Madonna, Max. You in Obama? Madonna. You're Dharma and Craig. You're Jeffrey Dahmer? Madonna. You're Donger? She's a singer, isn't she? From Bronx. Now she's from England, like me. Madonna, he's saying Madonna. This is going to be a fun word search episode. It's like a word search episode where Justin says dumb shit and you can't understand it. You've got to look at it diagonally and upside down. There it is, Madonna. Pretty sneaky, sis. Pretty sneaky, Madonna. It's an embarrassing story, isn't it? I was practicing this voice

when I was in London one night and I accidentally might have said it in front of people who left here, didn't I? Didn't I? There was a lot of pronoun. You kind of lost me. It gets confusing. Yeah, there's a lot of pronouns in British. I still feel like I'm over there, don't I? Yeah. What is it about your current environment that makes you think you're still in London? Is it just the fact that you're speaking with this preposterous accent? Well, it's all the vinegar. It's also not so much of an accent. Hold on, Travis. I hate to interrupt you, but Justin's just made the proclamation that he's surrounded by vinegar, which is somehow a defining characteristic of London.

I bought a lot of vinegar over there, didn't I? Don't have anyone to store it, do I? I feel like there'll be epic customs problems with that. I told him I sold vinegar. I got a work visa for the States, didn't I, to sell vinegar? Oh, so your accent was so convincing that the customs people believed that you were immigrating out of. Well, they knew I was a bread, didn't they? There's a lot of holes in this story, Justin. Are you immersed in vinegar? Are you taking like a vinegar soak? I want to help you blow my blokes from the stateside with your voice show, don't I? You sound exactly like Russell Brand, exactly the same.

You also sound incredibly uncertain of yourself. You also sound like you require our verification for every single sentence that you say. Well, I'm bicoastal now, aren't I? It's harder to judge what I'm saying. No, it is definitely much harder to judge what I mean. What time is it? Isn't it nine, four? Can the Brits not tell time? No, but I'm like bicoastal now, aren't I? Bicoastal means something totally, I mean, I guess it's on a different coast, but the coast is on a different continent. Wouldn't you be intercontinental? Now it's international waters. Let's get the quiz show started, representing England. Listen to me, isn't it? All right. Everybody, thank you for listening

to- The show is canceled forever. Very long-winded episode of Mopin Bam. We're all going to have a lot of fun with accents and voices and cadence and we're all just going to have a blast. No advice this week. Just accents, so strap it in, strap it on, and let's just get loose. Oh, you're all excited about Thanksgiving, aren't you? Okay. What's that? I don't have Thanksgiving. I think in the- Go blind, we gov. Okay, no.

Hello, what's all this then? Justin has been- It's contagious, isn't it? Justin has been in Travis, sending the virulent stream into his blood. What are you guys doing? Get away, guys, get away from me. I said get the fuck away! Oh, no! Oh, Applefellas! Paulin. Lock, stock, and barrels. Snatch, don't you know?

God, I mean, aren't they? Reference is hilarious. So please, Christ, please, Jesus Christ, please. We don't have him in my country, do we? Here we call him Jesus Crazy. Jesus Crisps. Juicy Crust. We love his miracles, don't we? Watered wine, wine vinegar, we love it.

Juicy Crust, heal my accent. Shit, we're not going to say anything funnier than that, we have an hour and we're not going to say anything funnier than that. Maybe if you believe harder. Oh, Juicy Crust. Juicy Crust, everybody. I'm going to welcome our American accent for the rest of the show, aren't I? Okay. All right. Okay, this is-

All right, this is a strain. You sound like Hugh Jackman. And wait, is Hugh Jackman- It's hard to tell, isn't it? It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Isn't it? Isn't it? Nope. Here's the first question.

So my buddy- My bloody gave me- God, I can't, I'm going to get it. My buddy gave me his iPhone 4 after dropping it, breaking the screen and getting an iPhone 5 right away after I offered to pay him- Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Okay. Correct, correct course. Okay.

After I offered to pay him, he said, quote, I was going to throw it away anyways, so just have it end quote for free. I am now, after about three weeks, selling it on eBay. Do I owe him anything? What he asked for it back for some reason. My gut instinct is that I only owe him a sucks to suck when he asks. That's from Clueless in Cleveland.

Yeah, that's funny, when I first read this question, my immediate impulse was, of course, you don't owe him anything. He gave it to you. What you do with it is your business. But then, just hearing it, just then- Hearing it out loud. Yeah, all I could think was, you've only had it for three weeks. Well, why did he give it to you?

What did, was there some arrangement? Like you needed the phone and it still worked even though the screen was cracked? Or did he just kind of like toss it to you and go, I was going to throw this away. So whatever. I mean, I'm assuming he didn't give it to you like on consignment. Like he probably thought you were going to use it, right? Yeah, right. It's a tricky situation.

That's all the, I mean, that's all that I had. Well, because listen, I've broken my fair share of iPhones in my day, like seven of them, and I still have all of them. Do you remember when dad broke your iPhone? He dropped it- Yeah, the first time. Dropped it on the side of a pool like face down and it just, that thing fucking exploded. And then he very nonchalantly picked it up and handed it to you without acknowledging it.

And then like, it was like us up later and turned to walk away and you're like, hey, pops exploded one second, one second, my little sly fox. I think that the fact that you're asking us and not like talking to your friend about it lets me know that maybe, you know, there's something up. Like if your, if your morality is scratching the back of your Cerebellum and saying, hey, maybe this isn't, you know, cool. I will tell you the scenario in which I know a hundred percent it is not cool. If your friend broke his iPhone, replaced it, and you said, well, I've always wanted an iPhone,

but I couldn't afford one. And he said, well, here you go. I was just going to throw this one away and then you turn around and sell it. Then in that case, then he sees you using your flip phone again. And he's like, oh, what happened to the iPhone? And you say, oh, yeah. No, I sold it. Don't worry.

I got 20 bucks for it. And I use that to get drunk. I'm sorry, but that's homeboys problem for not fucking thinking of that, thinking without that, you know, mercantile edge. You know what I mean? He was going to throw that shit in the fucking garbage. That's money straight out of your pocket, dog. That's, that's a lot of, that's a lot of moolah potential.

Assuming he just gave it to you, not with the intent of you using it, but just to like, give it to you. I think what I would do in your scenario is call him up and say, hey, I got some sucker to give me some money for that phone you gave me. You want to split it half seats. You want half this dough. So like, and then only give him like 20 percent. Yeah, you don't know.

No, don't tell him how much I got. Then it's a windfall for both of you. Otherwise, I think you're going to feel weird about it because you're right. There's every chance you could say like, hey, listen, if you're not using that phone, my sister needs one. So I'm just going to get that back from you. Yeah. Why do, why did you want a broken iPhone?

Well, trust me, as someone who's broken it, there's two layers of screen. No, it's no good. It's no good. No, you can still use it. No, it's not like perfect and new anymore. Listen, it's never going to impress anyone. That's the thing. You own an iPhone so that someone looks at it and goes, oh God, you're tactic.

So beautiful. Biggest question, I guess, proceeds that one, which is why would you want an iPhone 4, even in working condition when the 5 is already out there? Once the 5, I don't know if you guys knew this. Once the 5 came out, the 4 and the 4s were broken already, do you know what I mean? Just like in principle, they did not work anymore. See, that's why I advocate not getting anything.

No iPhones, no phones until it's reached. Wait till they say this is the last iPhone. This is the last. This is the final iPhone. No, there are no new iPhones. The iPhone 63 is the best. Does this only apply to iPhones or has my HTC One been broken since I brought it out of the AT&T store? Yes.

Since I looked at it and said, oh, you look special and different. Hey, chumps that bought the PlayStation 4, too soon. Wait for 63. They all stopped at 63, by the way, except for the Nintendo 64. The Nintendo 64 was so amazing. Broke the mold. Really broke the mold with that one. You guys want a yahoo?

Please. This yahoo was hinted by Jared Anger. Thanks, Jared. It's by yahoo answers user Fiss Yoge. Who asks, can I get in trouble if I take off the clothes on the mannequins in a store? I'm 18 years old and a guy who's never had sex or even had a girlfriend before. Okay. That much is clear from the subject matter.

I keep telling myself I'm going to go looking for a girl to have sex with sometime soon, but don't feel fully prepared to do it yet. I mean, that's such a production. You gotta take a shower. You have to powder your jimmies. Have to find girls? Why are they? Also that, I thought about practicing how to take off clothes on mannequins for practice.

My plan is to go into a store where they sell women's clothing and have female mannequins inside. Then I can practice on how to take off pieces of women's clothing such as bras, panties, etc. by doing it on the mannequin. I don't want to seem like an idiot the day that I actually do have sex and won't know the proper technique in order to take off a girl's panties or bra or whatever. Sorry for saying panties, everybody. Will I get in trouble if the employees of the store see me doing this though? If so, could I just take the mannequin in the bathroom and do it?

They won't see me. Yes. You should always just take the mannequin in the bathroom. That will look way less suspicious. It is if nobody sees you. Because this kid sounds like a sneaky criminal mastermind. You are... Okay, let me just outline it mathematically because I think that that latter option is

obviously the best option because this kid doesn't know the fucking way around that whole situation, that whole scene, and it does take practice. You guys can pretend to be smooth criminals all you want, but it does. It's going to take this kid five to six minutes to solve this puzzle. It would take him much less than five to six minutes to perform like an X-fill to the Sears bathroom. Let me throw this out. This is how you get away with it, right?

And a place dumbles upon you stripping down a mannequin, and they're about to say something, and then they notice the blackboard upon which you are scrambling notes and equations. Yeah, that's going to be... They're going to be so dumbfounded that they're going to go, oh, well, clearly, this is bigger than both of us. You're saying that anytime anyone has a blackboard doing things on it, people won't question their scientific methods? Have you seen the show Numbers, Griffin?

Because that's all that happens on it. People scribble on a blackboard, and then someone gets arrested. Have a clipboard with you with a sheet that you can make check marks on while you're taking the clothes off the doll, because that looks a salesperson says something to you. You say, oh, it took you four and a half minutes to say something. Oh, the Western branch did way better. And then run out of the store.

Lost prevention, not your strong suit here. Lost of innocence prevention. What are they losing? What is being lost in this scenario? Lost of mannequin shame. I look forward to the moment when this kid perfects his clothes taking off game, and then he finally meets that special prostitute and he gets her back to the hotel room and he gets all the clothes off.

And then he has this staggering realization that he has no idea what comes next. He has obsessed about the weirdest part of this whole thing. He will take his hand, hold it in the air as if he's doing a high five. In one swift motion, karate chop it to the ground, and in that smooth motion, all of the women's clothes are gone. And she'll say, holy shit, that was amazing. Do me now. And he says, do what now?

Do you who? I was under the assumption that that was sex. I thought that was the thing. I'm gonna go. Let me, there's some definite gray area here. There's definitely some moral ambiguity in this issue. If you fuck a mannequin at the store, that is a no-no. You can shop.

I get it. Shop live from that store all the fuck you want because they're not going to do stuff, but you have made yourself vulnerable in a big way. You have also, you have violated God's laws and state and city laws probably too. I also want to throw up. And it's the internal policies of Lane Bryant, just in general, violated. Can you imagine being a sales associate at that store after this kid has had a couple months to perfect this technique?

And it's just like naked mannequins everywhere and you cannot catch the blur that is, that is stripping these mannequins to the ground in .02 seconds. I'm pretty sure they call him the streak. Well, not really because the street didn't make other people naked, did he? That really wasn't part of his legacy. Or the joke. I mean, I either won. I mean, it's just because naked.

I'm just saying it was kind of built on a faulty premise. Like the streak himself was naked. This kid obviously has no interest in taking his clothes off at all. You're assuming? I'm assuming you're right, Travis. I think that this kid would be the greatest criminal mastermind ever if he could pull this off. Because like if the cops catch up with him and draw their guns or go to draw their guns, only wait, where's my gun?

And my pants? And my shirt? And my bra? And my bra? And my underwear? And my cock ring that I wear for protection? I think you can do this, but while you're conducting these experiments, you have to loudly announce, just allowed, you know, I think this will fit me,

but I'm not sure if this will fit me. And I think if you do that, then everyone will assume that you're just going to try it on as sort of like a cool, gender-bending, metrosexual kind of look. It's possible. Possibly. I do not think the physiology of a real life woman is the same as a mannequin, though. I think there's probably a little bit more. There's been a lot of advances in mannequin technology over the last couple of decades.

They don't have the, you know, any kind of fleshy give, I'm assuming. Have you checked? I haven't, no. Well, you know what happens when you assume? You're right, I'm making a lot of assumptions here. Yeah, I worked at Land's End, trust me. You had fleshy, fleshy mannequins. Fleshy, squeezable mannequins.

Fuck, that sucks. Man, that's a bummer. Have you ever seen that Nickelodeon show with the mannequin for the hat on? It was like that, but in reverse, because they were like human all the time. So you... In retrospect, Land's End might have employed slaves. Okay, that's kind of what it sounds more like. Now that I'm thinking through it, they were crying a lot.

Okay, so I don't want to... I didn't just customers. Yeah, that's why I got fired. This weekend I went on a date and the girl pulled and I forgot my wallet. The only thing is, later after I'd paid for our meal, she told me to put something in her purse and the only thing in there was her wallet. Everything else about the day went great. Otherwise, she seemed pretty cool.

Is this a deal breaker or should I agree to a second date and see? That's from Kond in Canada. If she had a purse and the only thing in it was a wallet, why didn't she have a clutch? I guess that's my biggest question. Good question. I hate to go fashion police on this woman, but... Is it possible that it was not actually a wallet, but just some sort of

makeup case or maybe a gun? You think it was a gun? Like a gun in a case, not just like a wallet-shaped gun. That's stupid. I am saying like a derringer. No, but that would be in a garter on her hip. What am I saying? I'm sorry.

Yeah, you would not keep a derringer in your purse. There is no universe of all the infinite multiverses that exist throughout the string of oblivion. There is no universe that exists where this is actionable because you done checked out this girl's open purse while she wasn't looking and that's a crooked move. Yeah, that's true. No, no. She told him to put something in there, but you don't want to go Colombo.

You don't want her to think that it's like backfinding invention. It's just one last thing. There's only a wallet in there. There's a wallet in there. One last thing. Let me throw this out. Is it possible that she said that she forgot her wallet because instead she did not have the funds in her bank account to cover this?

And rather than say, oh no, I'm broke. She just went with it. That's why this is an actionable information. Yeah, that could be the case Travis. In which case you'd be history's greatest monster. Congratulations. You're a real dick. So I'm saying that, you know, if it went well otherwise,

I, okay, I want to roll it back for a moment though. I understand when you say she pulled the I forgot my wallet. What was the dialogue leading up to that that she felt the need to volunteer that information? I did think that too, Travis. Have you not? Have you guys not ever? I guess I should start from the from the bottom and work my way up. Have you guys been on a date before?

Yeah, but was there a point where a question asker said, you're going to pay for this, right? No. Or we're going to split it? Dummy. That's probably not how it happened. It was probably more like the end of the meal came. There's this awkward moment where if it's your first date,

there are so many sexual politics to, you know, figure out who is going to pay. By the way, split it every single time, which is I imagine what happened. She went to, you know, get in her purse and said, oh, I forgot my wallet. Oh man, actually in this scenario, she's, she lied to you. Yeah. She definitely did lie to you unless she thought she forgot her wallet. How big was this wallet? Because he said he saw the wall in the purse.

If the purse was gigantic, the wall was very tiny. But if the purse was only slightly larger as to only allow the whole thing of the wallet. The purse didn't have anything in it when she went to look in it, right? She opened up the purse. No wallet in there. Oh shit. I've been carrying around an empty wallet. You would think that maybe she would have felt that again,

an issue that definitely would have been solved if you had a clutch, but let's, let's go ahead and ignore that part of the equation real quick. Where was the wallet? It was in her fanny pack. Later on, she realized her mistake and was very embarrassed, transferred the wallet from the fanny pack to the empty purse, and then realized her faux pas, then decided to put together this test of Solomon's wisdom for you. Gave you permission to look inside of her purse, putting the ball in your court.

Do you love this woman? Do you love this woman enough to look over this possible transgression? Because if the answer is yes, the truth will out, the truth will be exposed. It was a mistake the entire time she didn't lie to you. This woman is, how, how I met your mother, end of, end of series, series of what? I am, I, I, I don't think the right move is to bring this up. There are too many variables to consider. Not really.

I kind of just, kind of just outlined the whole thing, didn't I? He, uh, the, the, the, I think I am a little bit unnerved by this, this, uh. Purse that only has one thing in it? What is she doing? Get a clutch. Do you not have any starlight men's or like, ticket stubs? I'm not crazy about, first off, you know, this question asker's lying because I've never seen a person with one thing in it ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.

By definition, purses have a hundred things in them. If I had a purse, it would be loaded to the brim with their, oh man, I wish I, I would have so many, many, many things in there. Anyway, uh, I, I am a little concerned about this person running a grift on their first date. I don't, I don't like that. I, I think that it's a little weird that the first time out of the gate, you're running a grift. Yeah. I, um, also need to know, was this an online date?

Cause let me tell you the statistics, uh, of all the online first dates there, do you know how, what the percentage of dates that don't make it to date three? What? It's a hundred. It's a hundred percent. A hundred percent. It's a hundred percent. We're talking about a quick turnaround on these bad boys.

We're talking about two ships passing. And so what about the people that get married from people they met online, match.com? Is that they just get married on date too? Not, they don't exist. Where have you met people like that on match, match.com commercials? That's right. Do you guys think it's weird?

I'm trying to get to the bottom of this still. There is a lot to unpack. Do you think it's weird that on their first date, this woman asked her, her bow to put some, her suitor to put something in her purse? Yeah, I don't want to out you, dude, but I don't think that happened. I think you peed their purse when she was on that day. I think you snooped her purse. You snooped a poop.

You sneak a creep. How do you? You know he did because there's no woman alive who would be like, thank you for paying for dinner. And could you put these mints into my purse? I don't know you or really anything about you. You may be an incredibly violent human, but go ahead and look in my little chest of secrets here. Go ahead and look right in there.

In fact, if you want to stick your filthy paw, I don't know where that paw has been because I don't fucking know you. Go ahead and put that in my treasure, my treasure prize. Go look in that place that holds the secret to that one lie that I definitely remember telling you earlier. Also, I don't want to JFK this, but like what position? Where was she standing? You're standing in the purse placement.

Was it fluorescent? Did she give you something that you could put in the purse that she couldn't eat or fell? Yeah, a single fluorescent light bulb hung overhead. You've got a direct 90 degrees stare down in this bad chasm. What's in there? Well, how intense was this game a twister? She could not come get put in her purse.

Maybe it was like a direct challenge. She was like, put the lipstick in the purse. And you're like, no, that's not how to put it in the purse. The purse does contain my wallet, which occupies every square inch of space within the purse, except one lipstick size cavity. And it's up to you to find out where that is. Go ahead and root around in there for five to 10 minutes. Oh, no, my secrets.

Yeah, I don't know. When did this date turn into the legends of the hidden temple? You have to uncomfortable. Ah, temple guard. No, like I said. No, that's just the waiter who is also a temple guard. It's a weird restaurant. Man, I got there's nothing actionable.

Like there is too much going on here. I think you need to just scrap this and start again. Now, I say you go a second date and see how it plays out, but be ready to juke use her. Oh, shit. No, wait, grift her back. Double grift. Double grift.

I forgot your wallet. If you really like this girl, you need to come to terms with this woman is a grifter. And the only way she's going to respect you is if you grift her back in a big, big way, you got to take it over the top. You know what I mean? God, this is the start of like the greatest match.com commercial ever.

Yeah. I met John because his profile said that he was interested in taking care of dogs and fostering pets. And so I stole like $15,000 from him on day three. We're married now. And this dumb fuck didn't even see it coming. So now we're married. Take it from me.

The waiter was my husband and he stole the credit card numbers. Match.com has been the site of more grifts. OK, Cupid is where you go if you want to fuck. And Match.com is where you go if you want to get fucked and lose all of your money, lose all your savings. What's living social? Is that a dating site? Maybe that's for long cons.

No, that's I'm sorry. That's like a group on Ask Deals site. OK. Let's run a grift of our own in the money. The grift is Hulu.com. It's a website. And you really don't think we're going to say that about Hulu. No, here's the thing.

You and me and Dupree and our audience are going to run a grift on Hulu. Now, you know Hulu Plus. They're sponsoring. They're sponsoring. Just hear me to the end, OK? Do they have you, me, and Dupree on Hulu Plus? That's impossible to say.

You can watch your favorite TV shows like SNL, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Shark Tank, and Scandal. I just watched Shark Tank on Hulu today. Thank you. There's old episodes you can binge on Lost, Dr. Who, Community. Hulu Plus is a service that lets you watch all this stuff for just $7.99 a month. There's a bunch of ad-free movies, kids' content.

Tons of great stuff on there for just $7.99 a month. But here's the grift. Are you ready for the grift? I should also mention there's Hulu Originals, like the wrong man's behind the mask. But here's the grift. You're going to go to HuluPlus.com slash my brother. And you're going to get two weeks for free.

That's right. At HuluPlus.com slash my brother. You can get two weeks for free. Run the grift on Hulu Plus. They're begging for it. They left this back door open for you. Stick it to- So you just slip right in there?

Stick it to- Stick it right in their back door. Stick it to Corpo. And just take all this premium original and syndicated television programming for free for two weeks. Yeah, it's for free. Yeah, but really, make sure you check out behind the mask because there's a former costumed character.

Oh, shit. It's so true. They did not get us up in the mix. Like, hey, so when you played Cowabunga, how many kids tried to touch your cow dick? Like 18. Like 18. I love the kids.

How is your dirt? My dirt is deep. It's deep, deep, deep in there. Been trying to get at it, but it's in my folds. You know what I mean? Whoa, yeah. You can't get in there with liquids. Can't do it.

I try, man. I've gotten the full fucking, what was that, guys? Andy Kaufman. You know what I mean? We used to like swallow a cheesecloth and like just like get in there. Yeah. I've been giving them my deal college, but it's tough.

I bet my buddy Travis has a solution for you. Guess who's back? Stack soap. Stack soap is back. Put your soap in my soap. That's right. Stack soap's the only soap with a divot in it so you can take the stupid sliver that you get

at the end of soap bar usage and put it right in the divot. It's infinite soap. It's better than ever. Tell me about the new versions. Peppermint, jasmine, and unscented. There is nothing better than minty soap. Nothing. It is the most refreshing.

I popped the bar into the bathrooms at work. It was like down to that stupid sliver. It was down to the nub in like a week. Everybody was jamming on it so hard. And then I just popped it right into the new soap. That's how stacks work. And everybody's mind was blown. They just fell down on the floor, shaking, crying.

It's a miracle. Get it for people this Christmas. It makes a great gift and you're really going to free people out because they may not have heard of it before and then you're going to seem like a real sharp person. You can get them at Whole Foods in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Washington, D.C., Virginia, Kentucky, and South New Jersey.

Now that is the best way to do it because if you get it there, then Whole Foods will start carrying it other stores. But if you buy that shit on Amazon, it doesn't give a fuck about stacks. No, Amazon. But if you're not in any one of those places, Amazon's the way to go. Yeah.

And you can get it there. Go to stackshope.com. You can get all the info. But we love stacks hope. They're an early sponsor of our show and they have helped make it possible for a long time. So go to stackshope.com. Buy it for people you love or people that you hate.

The stink. The stink like you're doing. Stinkity, stink heads. This next message is from Mary Ricks. And so I'm going to break it down for a minute. OK. So the next message is from Mary Ricks. That's from Blaine Flowers.

Happy birthday to my amazing wife. I wanted to get you a unicorn, but they were out of stock at Bed Bath and Beyonce. I hope this message, delivered by the world's top experts on God's most beautiful creatures, will do the trick instead. All of the love, Blaine. Do we have any metric for knowing how bad

we fucked this up and how much we missed his birthday by? Yes. We missed her birthday by 11 to 12 days. That's not bad, guys. I think that's a bit under our average actually. So 11 to 12 days of shipping on this birthday wish. It may have said during transit. I appreciate all these Jumbotron messages.

It truly is amazing to me that our listeners care enough about the show that they give us money just to say people's names out loud. Like, that's fucking crazy to me. And I am truly very thankful for that on this very thankful week. But stop asking us to do birthdays. How about birth months from now on?

Because that's something I bet we can nail the birth month thing. We're kind of fuck ups, but I think we can get that right at least. And you should know that it's not always our fault, except it almost always is. It almost always is. Sometimes it's no one's fault. Sometimes it's just chronology of time.

Yeah. You know? Always trying to fuck us. Something Mary knows something about just keeps on a march and doesn't it, Mary? It's all right. You hang in there. There's another message for Ian Clowrey from Patty Kavanaugh.

I want to wish a happy 30th birthday to my buddy Ian from Wexford in Ireland. He turned me on to MB&B AM. And I thought a personal message wouldn't be a nice thing to do. And nothing says personal, like three dudes thousands of miles away wishing you a happy birthday. Maybe now that maybe now that you're 30, you can finally grow out that beard like mine

from Patty. There's something a little better than a birthday wish that comes with a little bit of intimidation. Yeah, just right at the end. Like, and also you got a shitty beard. Also, your beard is bullshit. Happy B Day, which does not stand for beard, because you're an idiot.

Maybe check it. If you want to, you can touch my beard if you want to, just this once because it's your birthday. You got to get some of that testosterone, Rob. Put it if I have directly to the face. Go ahead, Justin, with this jingle, please. Subway hacks. See, I was imagining something a little bit more like Americana,

something a little like Springsteenian. Little diddy, but Subway hacks. Yeah, something down in that red is Subway hacks. You know what I mean? You like sandwiches on the cheap Subway hacks. I think Travis should be in charge of jingles for Subway hacks. I think he's got a better grasp of it. I may touch up the people.

I know real America. Subway hacks. Always. Getting extra cut, getting extra couple inches on that $5 foot long. It's Subway hacks for American lunch. Cold cuts cutting corners with Subway hacks. You know the motherfucker's got mozzarella cheese. You just got to ask for it.

Take it from your pal Garth Brooks. Subway hacks. Out of retirement to do this bit. There's one more project I always dreamed about working on, and it's a fake jingle for a podcast for a segment of it. Subway hacks. Got to catch them all, Subway hacks. Colin Baton Rouge.

Oh, I got friends behind glass counters. Faith Hill's got a mean and insatiable hunger for Subway sandwiches, and the only way I can feel it is with their sponsorship Subway hacks. Also at some point, I became Tim McGraw apparently instead of Garth Brooks. Oh no, I've exposed the fact that Faith Hill left Garth Tim McGraw. Fuck, they're all the same. God damn it, they're all just a bunch of fucking slag shot yokels wearing the same fucking hats and playing the same three chords with hurt hurt hurt.

God damn it, what's wrong with you? Subway hacks. Always ask for spinach as the first topping. They'll try to trick you by asking lettuce or tomato, but stay focused, and by saying spinach and tomato instead, they will give you as much nutritious, expensive spinach as they would icy cheap lettuce instead of a measly five leaves. An added bonus, when you later add lettuce to your sandwich,

they will flash your look at defeat as they are now a card carrying member of a secret Subway hacking society. I'm, that's from Victor. I, um, this is, this is obviously a very tremendous valuable tip that's going to save all of our listeners thousands of dollars every year, but I don't know that I would call any scenario that results in me eating more spinach as a successful hack. I, yeah, I think you have an hack.

It's not about the action, it's about the outcome Griffin. This hack, this hack. You can then just throw the spinach away in front of them. This hack will get you two giant free fistfuls and lime beans. Like, cool. I could, I could not hack it and then not. By the way, sir, I hate to call, call Victor out here, but I think once I've got one vegetable on my sandwich,

I'm already pretty proud of myself. I don't think I need to show off by putting two on there. I just have to assume you're announcing that loudly to the audience or maybe calling your wife to tell her how many cookie points you earned by getting both spinach and lettuce on your sandwich. Ah, cookie points. Does somebody let you redeem cookie points yet? Is that, is that an actionable currency yet?

No, not yet. We'll get that going. This next one's from Chelsea T who says, it is cheaper to order a veggie sandwich and pay the ad ham than it is to buy a ham sandwich. If you want, you can ask for a clump of cookie dough instead of a cookie. Also, ask them to put the cookies in the toaster for 30 seconds and the chocolate chips get all gooey and green.

No, I'm no, no hack. I can't do a fucking hack that requires me to like get this poor subway engineer to do extra work and like hold up the line. All right, first off, first off, they're artists. All right, they're not, they're not just cobblers putting together sandwiches free of any sort of artistry. These are artists. You're right, my apologies.

I want to say this though, that the, if you are the dude in line at subway and they're like, would you look at you with that and say, know what I want is a lump of dough. And if you could put that dough, if you could ask them to toast a regular cookie and you can ask for a lump of cookie dough, can you ask for a lump of cookie dough and ask them to cook it right in front of you. I really want to cookie you, but I want to be there for the price. I have to see that it's free range.

I have to see. I want to be all up in every step. I have to see that it's a cruelty free cookie. I'm sorry. This is Jesse Thorn, proprietor of maximumfun.org and host of international waters. International waters pits a team of comedians in London against a team of comedians here in LA over several rounds of very stupid pop culture questions and games. We've got Paul F. Tompkins, Josie Long, Greg Proups, Claudio Dordi, Robin Ince,

Andy Zaltzman, Paul Shear, Izzy Sooty, Ricky Carmona, Cameron Esposito, Aaron Gibson, Brian Safi. So join me and the best comedians in the English speaking world for international waters. Go to maximumfun.org or look for us in the iTunes store. I'm a guy that is early 20. Oh, you got a Yahoo, don't you? I do. I got a few. This Yahoo was sent in by Meredith Mayhan.

Thank you, Meredith. It's by Yahoo Answers user Voltorb8787. Thank you, Voltorb. Who asks, are double ghosts real? I know regular ghosts are real. Wait, hold on real quick. Yep. I want to guess what he means before you say it.

Why don't you write it down on a piece of paper? Okay, wait, hold on. I'm going to type it into the Skype window. Keep going. Okay. I know regular ghosts are real. I want Travis to type it first. I'm sorry, this has become much more important to me than the question.

Okay. It's a fun little metagame that really none of our listeners are going to be able to enjoy, but we'll see you all in Travis. I also will enjoy it afterwards. He is a slow type. I know Jesus Christ. Christ. Are you just hunting and pecking?

Yes. Okay. At least this is actually two guesses, Travis, which is kind of bullshit. Well, it's double ghosts or double guests, bitch. All right, Griffin, go ahead. Are double ghosts real? I know regular ghosts are real. My cousin said that a ghost could die and be a double ghost,

and the ghost's connection to the spirit world is stronger and it's more powerful. See, I would think it would be weaker. Why is that? Well, because the ghost already can't manifest as much as a human being is, so you would think then the second ghost would be even flimsier than the ghost. See, we're getting into some channel 101 prison, prison break territory right now. The prison inside the prison where prisoners go for breaking the rules. We are really getting fucking deep down in it.

There's a different, there's different planes, right? There's got to be like different, I got, I just watched Poltergeist. I feel like they address this. The problem is, is that how deep does that rabble hole go? Can you have triple ghosts? Oh, eventually there's just going to be one ghost in the deepest verse, right? Unless you're talking about like a ghost, like quintuple ghost, murder, suicide. Well, you can't have a quintuple ghost because that's how God was born.

God's a quintuple ghost. I don't, but where did, where did he come from? You know what I mean? That's always a good question, isn't it? Whoa, it's a real chicken and egg kind of thing, isn't it? How would you- Well, what if, what if each time, okay, what if each time the ghost died and came back, they were just 1% smaller?

No, okay. I like this. But then, okay. But also 1% denser. And so then eventually you get like a, like a dark matter kind of thing, right? Where you have a very tiny, but very dense ghost. That ghost is going to be super A, easy to eat, B, delicious.

Ghosts are going to eat the fuck out of smaller ghosts. So you're saying like once that process, once a ghost is being eaten by other livelier, I guess, for lack of a better adjective, ghosts, they get super fucking fat. I bet you guys- No, not fat, dense. You know what I bet, guys? I bet that Pac-Mans have protests about people creating quadruple ghosts for eating

because it's cruel to ghosts. Oh shit, I didn't even think about that shit. Pinky and Bunky and Inky and all those dudes, they've got to be like, they've got to be like trillions, upon trillions of lairsteat. They're like foie ghosts and they have been raised, farm raised, killed multiple, multiple, multiple times to be the most delicious to the residents of Pac-Land. Yeah. How do you kill a ghost though?

That is a huge question that I have been struggling with. Because I feel like in my encounters- We know that you can- If I know one thing from Final Fantasy, you cast Cure on them. Yeah, that definitely hurts their HP. But it's not more of a banishment. I feel like you can only banish a ghost. I feel like killing a ghost is-

Well, you can bust them. You know what I mean? You can banish and bust effects. They can also shame them. That's really just a containment, isn't it? I mean, ghosts aren't being busted so much as they're just being imprisoned. The whole thing's a misnomer. Well, when you bust them-

Imprisoning makes me feel good. It's sort of like when you're on the basketball court and someone does an ankle breaker and tribbles around you and they busted you. You got busted, you know what I mean? So it's like embarrassing. So you've also embarrassed the ghost. Could a ghost be ill and recover? Or be mortally wounded but not die?

You can't be mortally wounded if you're already dead. It doesn't make any sense. That's what I'm saying. You could be immortally wounded. Oh, that's tricky though. Griffin, can you read the question again real quick? Sure. Are double ghosts real?

Did you need more or just the synopsis? I know regular ghosts are real. My cousin said that a ghost could die and be a double ghost. I just wanted to stop you right there and point out that this guy has the sweetest cousin ever. This guy is cousining so hard and that is exactly what a cousin should be doing. Not only reinforcing your own dumb belief in ghosts, but expanding your horizons on what a ghost can be. Because one of two things is going on.

Either that cousin just went back to his friends like, oh my god, you guys. I totally told Todd that ghosts could die. Or that cousin is Stephen Hawking. There are some people who responded to this question. And the tone of their answers possess a level of certainty with which I speak about the deliciousness of cinnamon toast crunch or the fact that the sun rises in the morning. They are so, so certain that they have solved this conundrum.

Like, for instance, you can't die twice. A ghost can only stay in its current state or move on to the other side, one word. Accepting that it is no longer part of the physical world. If the ghost crosses over, they become a spirit, which is the soul's natural state. And that's since the spirit would be more powerful because it would no longer be tied to the physical realm or to its own past anymore. And would also obtain knowledge and support from the other side.

So it sounds like being a ghost is kind of a shit deal. Yeah. That's awesome. I want to sign up for it. Yeah, but I mean, how is that any different from how we used to speak with certainty about the sun revolving around the earth? You're saying ghost technology hasn't come far enough to research. I'm just saying that, listen, you can believe with your mind all you want.

You gotta believe with your heart. And I believe ghosts can die and come back with my heart. That doesn't make it true. I believe with my heart. Listen, he's got mustard seed faith in his heart about his hypothesis of ghost murder. Let's just let it be because we're obviously not going to be able to change his mind about it. Travis, are you set in your way? No, because it's not in my mind.

It's in my heart. All right. Right. In your mustard heart. Is there anything I can say to you to change your mind? You can show me a ghost who hasn't died. I'm sure there are tons of ghosts that haven't died, just in the same way that there are tons of humans who haven't died.

So show me. Show me. Maybe you can't prove a negative. Show you a human that hasn't died? Yes. Pierce Brosnan, Emilio Estevez. We're getting off track. Courtney Love.

You're not using me with your logic. Why do you do your damn science? The heavens opened up and Juicy Crust came down from heaven above and said, Travis, ghosts can only, can never die. What would you say then? I know because I invented them. I invented ghosts. I would say that I was an American and I would wait to hear from our Jesus.

Which Jesus? Jesus Christ. Yes, I can't, I can't argue with that. I'm a guy in his early 20s. In an effort to step out of my comfort zone, I recently started taking Zumba classes in secret. However, through sheer bad luck, I found out my boss, who happened to be randomly walking by the studio I go to,

caught a glimpse of me shaking my bodacious booty. Now my entire team knows, how can I play this off effectively and still save face? That's from crumping in Columbus. And you'll be happy to know the question asker has gone through the trouble of making the Columbus the K. You have got to lean into it. You have got to lean into it.

Are you going to be still the butt of jokes when you have got just like an incredible Zumba crafted body? No, you'll be the envy of the whole office pool. I'm saying show up like full Jazzercise outfit. Whoa, you're saying like develop an entire identity around Zumba. Yeah. You become Mr. or Mr. Zumba. They can only make fun of you.

They can only make you the center of the butt of the joke as long as you let them. You have to show them that it doesn't bother you and keep drinking your milk. You own the Zumba. You become Dr. Zumba. Attorney at law. It's worth it, man. Wait, if this guy is an attorney, he can be like the David Comey of Austin, Texas, the attorney, the caveman, attorney that rocks and be the attorney that fucking undulates.

Same guy, but do we know this is, do we know this is man or woman? Says I'm a guy in the early 20s, so. He does say guy. Okay. Yeah, that's right. Second, here's my question. Is your boss fat? Oh my God, would that would be sick.

Welcome to my new spike reality show. Is your boss fat? Is your boss fat? You're watching undercover fat boss. Like who's this new fat employee we have? This new fat employee sucks at his job. Why did we hire this new fat boy? But I know it's our boss because nobody's this fat.

Nobody's this fat except. No, undercut. Wait, what about undercover fat boss? You take a boss who's very skinny. You take him away for six months and fatten him up and then bring him back as the boss. Hey, hey, Bordeaux. Do you have a good trip? Jesus Christ, this guy.

Did you eat all the pigs in Hawaii? Fat fuck. Wait a second. I see the seams. I'll be on undercover fat boss right now. Man, this show sucks, dick. I'm not signing any waivers. I don't want my personal brand associated with this bullshit TV show.

I got a brand to maintain. I can't be seen as an undercover fat boss. People give you trouble over you getting healthy. I guess if you can take it on the chin and just let it roll off your back and just wait for these fat fucks to die. Because really, here, break it down. Why would they make fun of that? A, because you're a dude.

Well, that's sexist. B, because they think it's stupid. Well, that's judgmental. And they're probably not healthy because they think exercise is stupid. Or C, they're just judgy assholes. Like, what does it matter? You're not doing anything wrong. It's not like they caught you doing something shameful.

I don't think it's sexist so much as the Zumbist. I think it would alter my perception of man or woman if I knew that they were into Zumba. Not in a bad way. It just changes my outlook. I traded in my iPod for Zumba a long time ago, and I don't regret the decision. I actually bought a Zumba to clean my floors when I wasn't home.

I got a Zumba. No, go ahead. Keep it rolling. I got Zumba's... I locked my car. So, I think that every dude that gives other dudes shit for how good they are at dancing is absolutely jealous of the fact that...

Oh, yeah, it's such insecurity. Like, there are very few things that I think that about. I think that there are people that harbor prejudices against certain activities, and then, thus, they give people a guff over those activities. Dancing, I do not think, is one of them. You see, like, fucking Savion Glover. Like, just destroying it.

You can't be like, look at this dude fucking tap dance. No. Then, no, like, the most uncultured human being alive. I always said Gregory Peck, but I think I'm... I think you think Gregory Hines. Gregory Peck? Gregory Peck.

Have you ever seen Gregory Peck dance? God, get it, Atticus Finch. He can probably... He can probably move it. I mean, not anymore, obviously. But the same charge can be leveled at Gregory Hines, fellow dead person. You think they have a dance line.

In double heaven. God, there's only one thing that can make Ghost Gregory Hines better at dancing is if he was a double ghost. I don't want to commit this theory to paper, but both Gregory Peck and Gregory Hines passed away in 2003. I think that they are... If they have gone through the multi-ghost pass,

I think they're probably at about the same level. Best Greggs. Best Greggs forever and ever into oblivion. You guys want a yahoo? Sure. This yahoo was sent in by Hillary Armstrong. Thanks, Hillary.

It's by yahoo interceaser Megan who asks, what are the tactical demands in badminton? Good question. Doing an assignment in BTEC sport and really stuck on this question. Help. No idea what BTE stands for. BTE?

C. BTEC. BTEC. BTO. BTE. It's taking care of business. I think it's badminton, tennis, electro, and cart. So it's a new bad-ass sport that blends the best elements of those...

Of those four. Yes. Please repeat the question. What are the tactical demands in badminton? You gotta take out the weak. First. It's not hunger games. You understand that.

It's like... It's like... We gotta outlast, outsmart, outplay, outdance. It's not survivor. You can travel to confusion with survivor. Gotta say shuttlecock without laughing. I think you gotta do a lot of things in this sport without laughing. You know that...

Okay, you know that move where you kind of wind up, like you're really just gonna smash the shit out of the shuttlecock, but then you just kind of tap it over the net? There's that move. Okay, so I have a theory that everybody is... At least... Every sport has claimed at least one life. Right?

Football, definitely. Baseball, almost certainly. Baseball, definitely. Baseball, definitely. Yeah, I killed that kid's mom in Owen Meany. What? No. Hockey, sure, definitely.

You're talking about slippery foot knives. Badminton, I think is the exception to the rule. I do not think a badminton, in any measure... Let me paint you a picture. ...could possess lethality. Because obviously the first consideration... Okay, they go for a power spike. Power spike.

Shuttlecock. Someone's opening their mouth saying, I got it. Shuttlecock down the throat, choking to death. Heimlich won't work, because it's got the spines on the net. It's a safety pop, Travis. It's covered in a giant rigid net on the end. That's just not...

No, that's what I'm saying. That's what lodged it in the throat. Nobody has a throat big enough to get that stuck in there. Nobody does. Not anymore. Back in the day, you used to have a much thinner, smaller girth cock. Don't you fucking laugh? Don't you laugh at that?

Don't. A person lost their life because of that cock. So Justin just linked this fucking badminton form. Sorry for speaking out of turn, everybody, because someone definitely died of a heart attack while playing badminton. But listen, if I was playing badminton... No, if I... Justin serves the internet.

All right. It's a fun part of the show. But if I was playing badminton, somebody ran onto the court and stabbed me to death. That's not a badminton-related injury. Because there's no way that you could... Nobody's worked up a sweat playing fucking badminton. You know what I mean?

Like, the physical strenuousness of this task did not cause this person to keel over and fucking die. It's impossible. Mythbusters? It mythbusted. We don't need to send this to those guys. We can do this shit ourselves. We can DIY this mythbust.

Hey, we've been relying on mythbusters for too long, America. It's time we take this matter into our own hands. Nobody has ever died playing badminton because nobody moves playing badminton and everything is made out of unkillable materials. Can't be done. Can't be done. The racket's weigh like half a gram.

Can't be done. What if you... Oh, okay. What if you're running too fast? You slipped. Hit the net to cavitate. Nobody runs while playing badminton. It's a little kid tennis.

Okay, you're playing badminton. There's a light sprinkle of dew upon the ground. You slip. You fly backwards. I accidentally hit you with my racket. You did it. Why are you on my side of the badminton court? Because we're playing doubles.

What if you make a bet with the person you're playing against? If they lose, they have to eat their whole racket. Oh, that's good. Or if they lose, you get to kill their wife. We're going to play badminton and whoever loses gets killed by the other person. It's the most dangerous game to the sequel. Hey, listen, we liked your first book.

I don't know so much about this new one. It is kind of impossible. You're playing badminton, right? You go back. I'm not. So that's like, I guess, step one. Like, let me undo this theory because I'm definitely not playing badminton.

Okay, person A is playing badminton and person B has hit the shuttlecock into a high arc. You're scooting back to get it. You knock over the grill. You set the house on fire. Oh, sleeping grandma, dead. Why wouldn't you go get her? Because of playing badminton hardened you.

And plus, you need to finish the game. I want to thank you guys so much for listening. Sorry, wait, we can't move on from the fact that Travis just painted a picture of two people who are so fucking into their badminton game that not only will they allow themselves to lose every piece of property they own, they will allow their grandmother to fucking die.

They'll allow their grandmother to fucking die. It's two out of three and they're tied one-one. Oh, man, this actually does sound like a clutch scenario. Can I put money on this game? Sorry, Travis made it up. Thank you so much for listening to our show. We hope you had a lot of fun. Thank you to people tweeting about the show

like Slammer of Jams, David Pemberton, Chitur, Ricardo, Andre, Chris Spain, JP Erickson, pizza lawyer, Blaine Flowers. Got to say a huge, huge thank you to Agent O'Hara, Tyler Crowley, who made another delightful MB&B AM cartoon. If you want to see that, it's about Horsey. You can go to our Twitter feed.

It's twitter.com slash MB&B AM. We tweeted it recently, so go look at that and follow us while you're there. Why not? You've earned it. Also, I want to remind everybody to make sure you check out huluplus.com. Get the free two-week trial. Just go to huluplus.com slash my brother.

Two weeks for free, man. In there, you can watch, like, make sure you can check out The Wrong Man. You can check out Behind the Mask. Tons of originals. All your favorite shows. If I had to recommend one outside of that, check out that Michelin web look.

Or Super Sizer's Go. Both of them are British shows that are hilarious. If you like this show, you'll like that. Or Super Sizer's Go on Hulu? I got to check that out. Yeah, it's awesome. A&T and 2.0. You can watch all of that.

Boys in the house. Did you finish it, Juice? No, not yet. I got kind of behind, because I was bored. I don't know what it was. Are you out of your fucking mind? Is that everything we have to do? Griffin, you have to thank John Rodgers and Alon Wenders

for the use of the theme song as a departure off the album put in today's Tibet. Do you know how fucking shitty I feel that I can't go see them in concert? I mean, I could, but I would have to, like, fly to the Pacific Northwest. And I don't think I have. I don't think I can do it.

And then there's the restraining order. There is the restraining order. Go to MaximumFun.org. You can find all the shows on our network, like Jordan Jesse Go, Judge John Hodgman. Stop podcasting yourself. I have a medical history podcast with my wife called Saw Bones.

You can listen to that. And you can check out Wham Bam Pow. That's the action sci-fi movie podcast with Cameron Esposito, Rhea Butcher, Ricky Carmona. Check out Bullseye. There's so much good stuff. Just go get it. Go get it all.

And make sure you join us next Monday for another episode of MBMBAM. But until that time, Griffin McElroy is here to take us away. Guys, my kitty just broke into my office. Adorable. What are you doing here, you little thief? Oh, now he's stuck inside.

I wish I could share him with our listeners. This Yahoo was sent in by Aaron McVicker. Thanks. Oh, just one second. This, thank you, Aaron McVicker. It's by Yahoo! Answer to user Kelvin who asks, where is a good place to eat

if you like to watch old people spill stuff? I'm just a mackerel, y'all. I'm Travis McElroy. Get your popcorn, my brother and my brother. Where you at, Ned? KCM. Pretty close. Maximumfun.org.

Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Justin, what are you doing? Strapping a chicken in my arm. Heard there's some plague out west, so I just wanted to get out ahead of it. Justin, if you'd ever listened to our medical history podcast

Sawbones, where we talk about everything from trepanation to bloodletting, you would know that that is a ridiculous idea and it will never work. Saw, but I haven't caught it. Sawbones? Yes. It's every Friday on the Maximumfun network

and we record it together. A doctor or something? Yes!