My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 179: Tuesdays with Luncho

Episode Date: December 16, 2013

Can you feel it? Can you fee-ee-eeeeel it? The warmth? The kindness? The magic of Candlenights has begun its wondrous machinations. Countdown, Mobile Birthday, Warped Tour, Two Travises for Christmas, Lopez Theft, The JNCO Collapse, Yahoo Answers Appreciation

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, everyone, and welcome to our candlelight Eve Eve episode of My Brother, My Brother Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your minimalist brother, Travis McElroy. I am your sweet baby Jesus and a manger, even though that's not really Candlenight's

canon McElroy. Well, like sweet baby Steven in like an oversized down comforter. There probably was a baby named Steven born on Candlenight's at some point in history. Speaking of what? And they probably put him in a barn. What day does Candlenight's fall on this year? Exactly. You have to consult the calendar handed out by your local butcher. Why? You have your butcher's calendar, don't you? Just check your butcher's calendar. Why would he have his hands on that? Because he also makes calendars to raise money for his butcher business. Butcher business doesn't rake it in like it used to.

This feels like a very local occurrence, though. Like do people all go to my butcher to find out what day it is? Are they just relying on me to like break this thing down? Well, he has a website. I mean, goddamn it, it's 2013. This is a good point. The Candlenight's is a agnostic, pan-religious, pan-sexual celebration of all things. Personal pan size. It's automatic. It is much like grease lightening in that it is a real pussy wagon. And it is a holiday for men and women, boys and girls. And we are coming up on it. It is fast approaching. Open up the advent calendar. Pop this window open.

Pop it open. How many days left? What's back there? It's Griffin's pinky toe. It's my pinky toe. It's Jerry's and pinky toe. You know how Thanksgiving and Hanukkah were at the same time this year? That's like the first time that it's happened in like 5,000 years. Candlenight's can't do that shit because Candlenight's will like fucking eat the other haul. It will eat the other holiday and gain its nutrients and power.

It's like a parasitic vine where it wraps around and the thing inside dies and it looks like the whole tree is like flowering. But don't touch it. It'll spit poison at you. It'll spit poison at you. What a fun holiday. I figure Christmas as a holiday has maybe five to six more months before it's just completely overtaken by Candlenight's. Yeah. Once our branding train starts going and then it'll hit Christmas. Imagine Christmas as a man and then it'll hit him and then you know how his

entrains hit men. It's basically Christmas and dreidels and latkes and Kwanzaa songs. Yeah. So we took the best parts of each holiday, right? Right. Kwanzaa songs clearly beat the ever-loving shit out of Christmas songs, out of Hanukkah songs. But Hanukkah has the best breads. But Christmas, you know, we got the trees. You know, those are smelling pretty good. So we got sights. We got smells. We got sounds. We got flavors.

We got touches. Candlenights. Catch the wave. And it gives anyone the Candlenight's, the color scheme is more of, instead of like the red and green because that's too, you know, that's been done. We do like a purple and brown, kind of like peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Kind of like a PBJ. Our Candlenight's special episode will be going up on the 23rd, I guess. And that will be a cuss-free, kind of cussing makes me laugh. Cuss-free episode of our show.

No word he dirts at all. Appropriate for the whole family, except conceptually. Yeah. Conceptually. It'll still be challenging materially. Ideas. The ideas will be adult. You know, it'll be, it'll be like a, it'll be like a particularly raunchy episode of Married With Children.

Yeah. It'll be, there'll be a lot of, of Christina Applegate in this particular episode. And then I'm doing a lot of suggested things. Maybe there's a car wash. You won't see any areolas, you won't see any areolas or nothing, but you'll like know that they're there. She gets acid in her eyes and has to take a chemical shower and lab class. You'll be, you'll be areola adjacent if you spend the candle mice with us.

You'll know you're there. You'll know they're there. You will know. There will be no doubt about it. This is an advice show, so let's do it. Hey brothers, I'm a Daniel woman for about six months and things are going well. Problem, her birthday is a week before Christmas. So in the past it's been lumped in with the holiday.

Any ideas for how to make her birthday special and have it stand out from the holidays? Right now I'm planning on taking her out to dinner, but not sure what else to do. And that's thanks timing troubles in Texas. Can you, can you not just have a birthday party? It's too close though, right? Like, is your worry that it will accidentally become a Christmas party? Ah, shit. Everybody showed up in sweaters with presents.

No, but like, eggnog everywhere. Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. It beats the shit out of any birthday you could ever possibly have, right? So when you have them that close together, I think that there's, there's just sort of a natural comparison that goes on there. And people say, well, it was nice, but you know, my entire family wasn't there and there wasn't eggnog. The other benefit to candle nights is that you never have this problem. Candle nights is so long that about one third to two thirds of the population has a birthday

in or near candle nights. It is hard to get away from it. We cover like four astrological sides. With most holidays, there's a debate as to when you can start decorating. For the holiday with candle nights, the question is when you can stop decorating. You just can't. And usually it's just when the support structures in your house begin to bend and moan under the weight of the trimmings and the deckings.

Maybe you could decorate her like a birthday tree, maybe string some birthday garland. This is kind of a weird consensus. What? You're just sort of conflating like a lot of ideas that don't. No, like you like some, you like the birthday candles and the birthday wreaths. Yeah. Oh, I mean you sing some birthday candles. You like the wreaths?

You like the candles and the wreaths. This is a fucking exciting birthday. Well, you got a flameproof wreath. Is this your first birthday wreath? You've never a birthday wreath before? God, if somebody's, if this is somebody's first episode of the podcast and you're like, who are these fucking clowns that don't understand holidays? It's like we're three aliens.

It just came to this planet. I'm like, take me to your Halloween turkey. I'm willing to bet, question asker, that if this person has spent their entire life with their birthday getting lumped in to Christmas, you doing any amount to make them feel special will go such a long way. Just like completely, you taking them out to a nice dinner and making it all about them and not because I bet the lumping is like mostly in like the president department. It's a good birthday and Christmas.

Good luck escaping it though. Like you can't get away from Christmas because it's everywhere. You can't pretend that it's not Christmas. I don't think to avoid lumping it, you have to pretend like Christmas doesn't exist. You're just making about the person, you know, because I would bet that's the problem is that it's hard to throw a party because everyone's throwing Christmas parties. It's hard to, you know, that they probably got one gift for Christmas and birthday that probably the family came in and said, let's celebrate on the 23rd

because the whole family will be in town. The problem is that it is about, the problem is it's already about a person stretching back to like already Christmas has exploded beyond its seams all the way back to like the middle of November. So the only person that's about it is Juicy Crust. Well, Juicy Crust has got to be pissed because no one celebrates his birthday. They celebrate Christmas. You know, you could, we picked an arbitrary date for Jesus' birthday and that's bad luck for you,

but what you could do is change your birthday. Maybe step off my Lord and Savior, let him have his time. He was there first. He did get here first and he did have to sleep in a manger. Kind of sucks. I feel really bad for anybody in this situation. I've always secretly felt bad for you two because like my birthday's in April. So you get like a nice gap there.

It's like a little stop gap of like, man, it sure has been a few months since I got some presents. And then I get them for you guys. It's like, wow. I mean, that birthday's about two months away from Christmas. Yeah, but the year, if you look at it, if you look at the year as a whole, like it's kind of, it's kind of top heavy for you two. And you don't have a lot to like space you out. Me, like I'm wandering through the desert and then I reach April.

I'm like, oh, present. What about Easter, dog? You're just getting birthday baskets. We don't really do that anymore. Kind of 30. Kind of like 30. We're all pretty much 30. So you guys don't get Easter baskets?

I get Easter baskets. Do you really? What did you do to stay in good with that big bunny? I married someone who still does Easter. So should I get back in it? Like you guys, I mean, all three of us are like super into holidays. I have like done, fell off the Easter tip. You need to get back to the Easter because here's the jam of Easter.

Completely off topic. But Easter is just a, just an excuse. It's like, it's like Halloween for adults for lazy people. It's like trick or treat for lazy people because you don't have to go to the door. Someone just hands you a basket full of candy and says, go to town. I'll take an excuse to eat a whole ham. I know. I'm, I'm, I say next Easter, we, we appropriate that one too.

Well, no, the fuck maybe. Eggfest 2014. Here's the fucking problem though. I just talked to all this shit about how it sucks to have your birthday around Christmas, but my birthday is basically Easter. So if I start doing Easter, then I'm going to start feeling the redundancy. I'm going to have to move my shit to like what? August?

Move your shit to August. That's when I would see this especially. Do you run into Flag Day in August? Oh, we tear that shit up on Flag Day though in Austin. Yeah. Is that, is that pop off? It pops, right pop. What's, what's a month that has nothing in it?

Uh, I mean, April, occasionally you get out of, but April Fools is still in April. April Fools is pretty fun. I mean, May? I know May, you know, veterans memorials, one of those is in there. You know what? Nothing's in August. I really don't think August has much going on, except it has, it has like a labor or a presidents or a veterans or memorials.

Those four are all pretty, I think they swap places actually secretly every year. Yeah, it's hard to, people have to tell me. I don't keep a very good track. Is there a June? What's in June? Arbor Day. Flag Day? How about a Yahoo?

Because this bit is getting a little long in the tooth. This Yahoo was sent in by Elizabeth Scott. Thank you, Elizabeth. It's by Yahoo Answers user Celine Lola-Pasman who asks, is it normal to hang out with your lunch lady? Okay, so I want to go to warped tour with my lunch lady. But we're both still debating either or not it's illegal. So is it additional details?

She won't go to jail, will she? Because she listens to some really cool bands and stuff. Hold up, hold up, hold up. This is asked by someone named Selena. So I'm going to assume a girl. Celine Lola-Pasman. Okay, young girl. She, let's put her in-

Let's not jump to, let's not jump to- You're in middle school or high school? Um, definitely high school. Benefit of the doubt, high school. Okay, so let's say 16, 17 year old. Okay. Discover your own body. Discover your sexuality, go on.

Not in the context of this question. It's just like, that's where she is. That's where she's at. That's just where she's at. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But her lunch lady, super cool. Fucking super cool. Let's keep young on the lunch lady and say like 28, 29.

Graduated from college with like a biochemistry degree, but then never really did anything with her. Never really. No, it's hard not to. She's her lunch lady. Yeah. But she's still super cool. She's really in a molecular gastronomy,

but she doesn't really get a lot of time to like practice it at work. So she just wants to go to fucking warped tour. She does cool stuff to you. Like she'll chop up the super donuts and like refry them with an injection of like cayenne pepper or something. That sounds delicious. So we're assuming that Celine is a super cool like 16, 17 year old. Really mature for her age, old soul.

There's something going on behind the eyes. She's not your regular every day, 16, 17 year old. I'm going to say it's okay. I'm going to say I'd watch that movie. I think it would be a good movie. It's an unconventional relationship, but it's one that I can certainly celebrate. I do think though you got you got to at some point in this film we've created in this fiction.

And I think our question asker here is going to run into the same thing. I think society is going to judge. They're not going to understand like we understand this very special relationship that we've constructed from whole cloth. They're not going to see Celine and lunchy the way that we see. Can we give her and like we've given her a fucking life. We just breathe life into this woman like the fucking hit film AI. Like we just created this person to give her.

Can we give her a goddamn name? How about this? I feel like luncherella. Okay, luncho. How about just luncho? If we're going to fucking be dicks about it. Let's just do luncho. How about luncho McGee?

All right, great. Man, really put our backs in. This story is a little film called The Man Without a Face. Okay, people didn't see what was going on between Mel Gibson and that kid. Let's play a game. That's because Mel Gibson didn't have a face if I remember correctly. Didn't watch that one super close. No, I think he was just a skull, a talking skull.

And the kid hang out with me was like you shouldn't hang out with that talking skull man because I think he's a baby. What was the problem with him? So they like his face and melted off while he was like helping Hitler or something. It was actually the first adaptation of Ghost Rider. And they got it really wrong. They messed it up pretty bad. And the second adaptation of Monkey Bone.

Guys. Monkey Bone face, leave that kid alone. Why can't Skeletor hang out with kids? Here's some of the headliners at Warp Tour 2014. There's a Stray from the Path hardcore band. Tear out the heart as a metal core. Plague vendor. Nope.

Teenage bottle rocket. Yep. Mix tapes. Made up. Skate shoes. That's made up. That one is actually made up. Okay.

There's the Proto men I actually have heard of. Okay, Proto men I know. Have heard of them. So one, I guess that'll be a pretty good show. What do you think plague vendors, what do you think a plague vendor shows like? You know, there's like dudes in those like 17th century bird masks just vomiting into the crowd. Plus, here's the weird thing. It's fronted by Andy Williams.

So around this time of year, a lot of Christmas tunes. Interesting. It's what the audience demands. And they tear my big pool of stagnant water. Everybody get your shots. No, but seriously, we're offering shots at the foot of the stage. Herd immunity is down in 2013. 2013, but no, seriously, it's filthy here.

It's fucking really super gross. Clean your butts or else you'll get prostatitis like Griffin did at Bonnaroo 2006. Is Griffin here? Raise your hand little buddy. Is Griffin here? Raise your hand. Why don't you stay seated, buddy? Guys, I just read.

This one goes out to Griffin. It hurts to sit. It hurts to sit. It hurts to stand. Get somewhere in between and stay that way. Squad for your life. Plague vendors only. This is absolutely, by the way, one of those situations.

I couldn't recognize them now where as soon as the show goes live, someone will tweet at both us and plague vendor. And say, these fucking guys, these guys. They think you care about Griffin's butthole. Prove you do not. They might be awesome. If they have any cure, it's chronic. One of the Yahoo answers on this said that you can't cross state lines with someone.

If they're over 18 and you're under 17, if you cross state lines with them, then you break the law. Is that fucking true? That can't be true. Maybe without probation. Yeah. But without permission, I feel like it wouldn't be okay for me to take a kid without permission as long as I stayed within Ohio.

Yeah. Like he has the cross state lines. We can't do anything. Ohio's a big state, though. Texas, we have a lot of flexibility there. Because I didn't take them with the Northern Panhandle. They will never see their parents again. But like I'm taking them to warp tour.

So it's totally fine, totally platonic. It's a super cool like Selene-Luncho relationship. It's more of a mentor show. Selene-Luncho, I'd watch that movie Tuesdays with Luncho. If it was about like Selene wants to go to warp tour, but her parents are like, no, you're eight. And Luncho was like, no, get in my Toyota Corolla. We're going.

And then it was like a road trip to warp tour. But they couldn't cross state lines, so they weren't able to make it to warp tour. No, this isn't what. So they had to stage their own warp tour at the local amphitheater. It's like a benefit show. It was just a big banner up there. It's just like.

Oh, there's a banner up there. It just is like, let's get warped. The artist backwards. It's adorable. Hey, I got another question for you guys. Okay. I've been in a relationship for six years, but we have never spent a Christmas together.

We started dating in high school and have always gone to respective families homes for the holiday. We've continued to do so now that we've graduated. This has been fine. But we really like to start spending this major holiday together and are struggling on the how we live in Washington, her parents live in California and minor in Oregon. So splitting time or the holiday isn't an option.

We already, we aren't ready to have Christmas on our own. So at some point, one of us will be the child that didn't come home from Christmas that year to add complications. Her dad's birthday happens to fall on Christmas. Now that all of you are married, presumably splitting some holiday time between in-laws, how have you and your significant, et cetera, et cetera,

candle nights as from stumped in Spokane. I mean, it's not an issue because we're all spending Christmas together. All spending like Christmas day together. Well, okay, the real answer, you have to get really stupid, creative and sacrifice, sacrifice. Like we don't have to, we don't have to do that because like our family trust is bonded blood and love

and trust and blood, you know what I mean? Well, we're spending Christmas together in our hearts. Yeah, in our body because our hearts are in our bodies and our bodies are all going to be together because this morning, Taren opened those packages. Before our part, Griffin, our souls will still call to each other. Well, December 25th, I just told us we'll have to call each other because our voices can't

work out the ring. Yeah, I'll see your face. Well, but sometimes, sometimes more orange rolls. You're early. Good morning. Here's your Christmas kiss. Christmas kisses. We'll love each other.

I love you. You have to spend a little time apart. I can't wait to tell you I love you face-to-face on Christmas morning. Good news, you guys. Can't wait. I've hired all of us. I've hired a Travis impersonator to be there on Christmas with you.

So there'll be two Travises? That'll be fun. No, no. No. It's going to be the best Christmas ever. Like, my only wish was that we get all together, married, finally, in defiance of logic and God's will to just like, oh, just be, to just be married a little long to.

Travis is not going to be with us on Christmas morning. This is how you- Well, no, well, okay, Griffin. That's what he says. But I've been watching- Oh, what's that present behind the desk? A lot of ABC family in the run-up to Candle Dights. And if I've learned anything from that series of films-

You watched a movie with Joey Lawrence in it, didn't you? No, no, I watched an actual, this is an actual plot of a real movie called Holiday in Handcuffs that I only saw about 20 minutes of, but I got it. Melissa Joan Hart was a disgruntled waitress who was tired of not having a boyfriend for the holidays. So she kidnaps Mario Lopez and takes her to her family home. Mary Kay Places, her mom, and I didn't recognize the dad,

but he is her prisoner for the holidays. Does she know him or is this like a random crime of passion? It's a random crime. She kidnaps him, she has crazy hair, and it's a very sort of Kathy Bates and Misery vibe. And she kidnaps him, and it's supposed to be like a tender holiday film. At the end of the movie, though, does- Do they fall in love, yes, of course they do.

Does Malopas go, oh, I see now that you're a good person and I love you. Well, no, he doesn't see it. She's a good person. She straightens her whack haircut, and she's all that with him. He says, I really do love you, and I'm glad that you kidnapped me, because this was a miracle. She says, okay, I'm gonna take these handcuffs off so he can kiss, and he says, great, and she takes the handcuffs off,

and then he picks up the phone that's sitting next to her and hits her over the head with it and runs away. That says not today. I'd watch that movie. I think the biggest fiction about that movie is that you actually legally cannot kidnap Mario Lopez, because he's just happy to have something to do. What?

Is there a work there? Or a care? Yes. They're gonna be careful. Well, that's just because he approaches everything as a gig. Everything. They got blankets? I'm in.

My payment is a plate of biscuits and a warm blanket. Thank you very much. And then it actually says that in all of his contracts. If you leave warm biscuits and a warm blanket out at night, on Christmas Eve, Mario Lopez will actually be dead. You'll walk into the living room, and he's watching a VHS tape of the Greg Luganus movie that he was in. Oh, come on, why don't you sit down with me?

There's room for two. It's in French, and it's not subtitled. We're gonna shoot some intros and outros real quick. I just get this gig nailed. I brought my own gaffer. It's that cool. Uh, well, you have fun on this show, but, um... Travis won't be with us.

Travis definitely won't be with us. Okay, if you're looking for an excuse, there's two options here. If you're looking for an excuse to not have to travel and just want to spend some quality time with your significant other... That's not an option. That's not what he's asking for. Like, that's the wisdom of Solomon. No, Christmas!

No, there's an easy answer. You have a kid. Oh. They don't want to do that, but they're not ready to spend Christmas in that fashion. No, they want to spend it with their families. It's just how do they pick now? Well, what we're doing is alternating years as to whose place we'll... So we're spending, like, the 21st, 22nd, 23rd with the macarons,

and then the 24th, 25th, 26th with the Wellmans. Nice that you can griffon could have synced that up, but... Yeah, that would have been pretty nice. But then next year, it'll flip and we'll be at our house for Christmas. Yeah, and Rachel and I do something kind of... This is not something that Justin has to deal with because all of that, those family units are in fairly immediate proximity, but Rachel and I just do Thanksgiving with her folks and Christmas with mine,

and usually her folks come in a few days before Christmas, and we'll hang out with them for a bit. Yeah, my situation has its own set of challenges. I've spent an hour of every Christmas... The murderous ghost that lives in the Smurrell's house. I've spent an hour of every Christmas commuting, a Christmas Day commuting for the past eight years, I think, that's been, like, Christmas for me.

And it's hard. That's its own sort of thing because you are in town and you are so close. You always feel like you're disappointing people no matter where you're at, especially, and then when you're driving on 52 between Huntington and Iyerton, you're disappointed the most important person is just yourself constantly every 30 seconds when you drive past someone who is at RVs. The problem is when you leave, when it's Christmas Day, there's never a good time to leave on Christmas Day.

There's never a point where everyone's like, I wish that guy would just get out of here. Has this been magical enough? Is the magic over what you guys said? Will it set? Our rule generally is you wait for the first person to fall asleep, and then you have a pretty solid out. Why don't you just do it at your place? Just do like a super fucking, you guys would throw the sickest Christmas rager.

You would tear the fucking city apart. You start at 6 a.m., you pop some X, you just don't stop until the Christmas tree burns down. That's what I'm saying. You have the power to cancel your own captivity in Christmas hell that you find yourself in. I know, but then it's like even sadder when you're like by yourself or just sitting there alone together. No, you invite other people over. I guess.

Justine, I make you this Christmas promise right now forever. You ready? Yeah. I will never pay for a hotel when I'm in Huntington. I will always, always, always stay at your house. This is a guarantee from me to you, brother to brother, I will never, ever not impose. That's touching.

You never have to worry about being alone when I'm in town, just chilling on your couch, eating the snacks that you've bought for me. Do you still like flip sides? I'll eat the fuck out some flip sides. I've been working on a new technique where I eat one side, I'll eat like the pretzel side, and then I'll get to that cracker side in a bit. Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great. I will need two boxes of those.

This is on my, this is on my waiver. Need it. Travis, are you staying with us at all or are you staying just in Huntington? Are we going to discuss all of our travel plans though? Yeah. Let's plan on doing a night in Huntington. Bed situations get a little bit cramped in there. I hope that we don't-

We've got our dog with us too, but she'll probably stay at Dad and Carol's. If we stay together in Huntington, Rachel and I totally call the Austin Powers room that has the Austin Powers poster. Oh, you dick. Yeah, that one's mine. I need that. Let's get some money. You're going to have your family around, right?

And you're, you're not going to have any idea what to do with them. Who knows? Who has any idea what to do with these people? They're in your home and you have no options. Well, we have an option for you. It's called Hulu Plus. You know Hulu.com or BandosHulu.com. But Hulu Plus lets you watch thousands of television programs and movies.

You want to do something with your family? How about you binge on Jimmy Kimmel Live or Shark? Maybe something more timely, actually, now that I think about it. Perhaps Shark Tank or Scandal. And you can even get old stuff. Get some Doctor Who community. Get it. Get into it with your family.

There's also an original. There's originals, unique shows that Hulu does, like The Wrong Man's. There's also a docu-series. Behind the Mask is the docu-series and it takes you inside the world of sports mascots. Travis, you are dick deep in that show, right? Uh-huh. Can't stop. Won't stop.

Ad-free movies, stuff for kids. It's really good for the holidays. But here's the secret right now. We can get you through the holidays. Well, we can get you through Christmas with a two-week free trial to Hulu Plus. Normally, it costs $7.99 a month. Let's be honest. It's $8.

But you can get a two-week free trial using going to HuluPlus.com slash my brother right now. Get that free trial. Get those TV shows and get your family distracted so you can get out of the house and catch a smoke. Wait, what? For once. I have a call to action. I have a demand, actually. I'll just call it a demand.

Check out Watch Out for Fireballs. The show, it's on iTunes or you can also catch it on DuckFeed TV. And while you're at it, you can check out the other shows on DuckFeed TV. It's a podcast network. It's DuckFeed.tv. Dot TV. It's a network, not unlike our own. Watch Out for Fireballs is a retro games podcast.

It's hosted by Gary Butterfield, the Secret Service agent from the West Wing, and Cole Ross. Thanks, Cole Ross, for being a bud. Every episode is an in-depth exploration of an older game where they talk about why it succeeds or fails and there's jokes and there's sketches and goofs and spoofs. And they have a really big back catalog. So I'm sure there's something in there that is about a game that you love. So check it out. It's great because you can hop in, hop out with just the episode interest you.

It's an old nostalgic game for you. Check it out. Check out DuckFeed, too. They have a show all about the hit game Dark Souls, which is really good and Justin never beat it because he's got a little boys penis. He's got a little, like a baby, like a little boys penis. I got a message for Henry and it's from Aiden. Aiden, you don't know.

Why are you pretending like you know it? Beyond Two Souls ruined me on Aiden because that game pronounces it Aiden. And that's wrong, objectively. We all know it's wrong. Very super French sensibilities. Anyway, Happy Birthday, Sweet Pea. You get the total package, cute butt and a cute heart XOXO. I'm willing to bet that Aiden is not seeing Henry's heart.

And let me also feel this out. I've been watching a lot of toddlers in here. That is not the complete package. What else does Aiden need? What? What else does Aiden need? Henry. You got to have the talent.

You got to see it in their eyes because it can't be straightened in their eyes. Yeah, right. Right. Listen, you can get up there. You can walk with confidence. But if your talent gave me shit, get off the stage. Henry, what's the last time you updated your flippers?

Because if you have some out of date flippers, you'll have like a little weird teeth. Well, then here's the thing. You could have one of those homemade costumes, splurge, spend the money. It's worth it. It's totally worth it. You see the difference?

You tell the difference. For God's sake, bring your own hair and makeup person. Don't trust the pageant organizers because you know they're getting kickbacks. And don't just have your mother do it. Hire someone. Hire a trainer. Get them in there every week.

Speaking of splurging. Extreme restraints is an adult super store that you can go to to find all kinds of things that will make you splurge both financially and. I actually just moved from a medium gauge to a heavy gauge splurger. Now, see, I was saying like. Am I going to stretch you more enough?

Yeah, well, oh, no, no. Oh, and you talk about it like some sort of tool that you use to widen an orifice. You're ranging into like Susie in territory. I would not, could not with a splurge. But I'm working on it. Well, I'm trying, damn it. It takes time.

It's a fibrous down on. It's a fibrous tissue. It doesn't like to be stretched. Extreme restraints.com is an adult super store. You get toys, sexual in nature, books, DVDs. They've had over a half million customers and you can be even get Curious Gays of Benjamin button. You don't have all kinds of DVDs on there.

Golden girls, complete books. That might be somebody's fetish. I don't know. What's great is they cut in sex scenes into all the other sets, which is really nice. Worth it. If you get a bargain deal at extreme restraints.com, you can get some like, what is it, 20% off, I think?

Something crazy like that. You got to use the coupon code sexabunga. I can't believe how long that one's fucking rolled. I know. Sexabunga is still legit. You can use it at extreme restraints.com. Save yourself, I guess, 20%. It's a good amount.

It's a healthy portion. It's a healthy portion. 20% of you use it this week. It's 10% every week after this. So there you go. There it is. Extreme restraints.com. Place your orders now.

Maybe you'll get in time for Christmas. I don't know what their shipping speed is. They don't indicate whether or not it'll arrive by Christmas. It'll come by Christmas and so will you. La, la, la, la. Hey, I'm Jesse Thorn. Hey, I'm Jordan Morris. We're actual friends.

And actual professional broadcasters. We host Jordan Jesse Go, a show about friendship, being a person. Yeah, we run the full spectrum from feelings to some of the most vulgar jokes you can imagine. And honestly, putting it that way makes it seem like it's half and a half at best, 25, 75. It's definitely mostly vulgarity, but it's a pleasant, friendly vulgarity from two guys who went to a reasonably prestigious UC college.

Why don't you try the show out now? Grab one with one of your favorite comedians, like Rob Cordray or Rob Delaney or whatever. Or somebody awesome that maybe you haven't heard of yet. Yeah, go to MaximumFun.org or your favorite podcasting app and download an episode of Jordan Jesse Go now. I have so many. Thanks, everybody, who's sending in the Yahoo's.

This one, though, was sent in by Christopher Baker. Thanks, Chris. It's by Yahoo Answers User X who asks, What happened to fashion? Firstly, if you get offended or butt hurt by this question, don't answer. But my question is an honest one. What the hell happened to fashion? I mean, every time I turn on the TV or go out, people are dressed up awful.

Men are wearing skinny jeans, ugly colored chinos, tacky v-necks, have the worst hairstyles, wearing awful looking final shirts, and stupid looking snapbacks. And to make this worse, it seems to be considered as cool and hip. What the f-dash-dash-dash? I consider myself to be old school. I mean, honestly, look back at 2003 to 2004. Fashion was so cool and normal looking.

No one wore any of the above listed clothes. Everyone wore normal looking jeans. Loose cargo pants. What? Long sleeves, normal looking baseball caps, etc. What the hell happened? Every time I go to a store online to find clothes, I can never find anything that I want.

Every jeans or trousers in stores are skinny jeans, chinos. Or they have- Where's the Jinko jeans? Or they have the, and then there's a hateful word here, that if I had seen when I was vetting this question, I wouldn't have read it anywhere because I do not appreciate that. But they said it, a pejorative term about the tapered-legged looking effect. I mean, every men's trouser is now fricking tapered.

I can never find a trouser with the standard leg cut even more. Even loose, regular jeans are all tapered. Or when looking for a hat, everything is a snapback. I hate these goofy looking hats. I'm desperately looking for a normal hat, like these ones worn by Linkin Park in this video. And then there's a video of a Linkin Park- No, there's not.

Two of the men are wearing hats. Regular hats, you would say? They're definitely not snapbacks. Now, it seems that people love to dress up in a bizarre manner, and even bands like Linkin Park enjoy the hipster trend. So what the hell happened? Anyone out there share the same feelings as me? Fuck.

Even fucking Linkin Park has succumbed to this siren song of a snapback hat. You're best in a fashions. Where are those, those paragons, those fashionistas? Those men among men shopping. The shining city on the Linkin Park hill. Hi, I'm Jesse Thorne. This week on Put This On, a whole episode dedicated to Linkin Park. Thanks for listening.

Where are you going? Where are you going? Hey, come back. Oh my Jesus. Guys, I am fucking one step closer to the edge, and I'm about to break. What happened to fashion? Real quick question.

You remember the golden days in 2003-2004? It's 2003-2004, quote, old school? That's when he fashion made sense to him for a little while. How, okay, okay, fun quiz. Answer at the same time on three. Okay. How old is this dude? One, two, three, four.

Twenty-one. Okay, a lot of broad spectrum there, broad spectrum. I don't understand where this guy is shopping or living or existing, where he can't find literally everything in the world. What's great. I think everything in the world is on sale. Just go to, like, I bet there's a store called No Snapbacks and Regular Pants. Notay.com.

Just go to fucking TJ Maxx, become a Maxinista. Get those, get those non-taber jeans. So I get my non-taber jeans, friendo. You're welcome. There's a little TJ Maxx tip from Trav to you. Do you guys know that in the UK, it's called TK Maxx? As if we wouldn't notice. Is it really?

Yeah, it's bizarre. I saw a commercial, it was like, it was really one of those, am I dreaming? Am I like in that half reality between wake and asleep? Let me ask you this question, or rather observation. I think my favorite thing about this question is the use of the word desperately in looking for hats, because I can just picture this guy busting into like a Hollister bag.

Where are the hats? Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, Scott. You don't understand. He's just, he's just knocking, shelving over. Snapbacks, snapbacks, snapbacks. Lincoln Park, how could you? I thought that everybody shot for hats in the same way that I shot for hats, which is that you find the one hat, and maybe in the universe that fits your weird head.

The top of my head is like, octagonal, basically. I've been wearing the same West Virginia Pumpkin Festival hat for the past like seven years, because it fits my melon. Because it fits it. I didn't know that people had a choice in that matter. There is a lot of agreement in the answers section of this question. Lot of people are totally on board with this dude. One person calls him out for his homophobia, which, yeah, fuck this guy.

He doesn't deserve anybody's help in the first place, because of his hate speech. But he has made some excellent points about how terrible fashion is nowadays. What happened to those loose-fitting cargoes? Those loose-fitting cargoes that looked so good on everyone on the last season of Dawson's Creek. Listen, not only pockets up here, but some pockets down here. How convenient. The closest I ever got to matching fashion is that one time I had a Hawaiian shirt. I still have it, actually.

And my wife informed me that it had once been worn by Pacey on Dawson's Creek. And that was the closest I got to really being fashionable. It was five years after the series ended, of course, but still. I have to read this answer from somebody who has agreed with this person's assertion in, I would say, an unorthodox manner. He, I'm assuming, or he or she responded. It's called cultural collapse. All cultures eventually collapse, all in the same general manner, and for the same

general reason. Symptoms of impending collapse include basic service jobs taken over by immigrants, increasing welfare roles, national defense given to mercenaries because citizens refuse to serve, debunking of national heroes and admiration of slobs instead, rejection of the dominant religion, morals, and all standards of excellence, first noticed in arts and then in all activities. The trigger for the final collapse is always random and always something that a healthy society could have handled. And he links to a website called comingdargage.blogspot.com.

So I think that this person, in agreeing with the fact that Jinko jeans were pretty comfortable and may have wanted to be great at Jinko jeans, were still around, may have lost his fucking gourd at some point. What I'd love to see is the y'all who answers question asker getting to that answer and be like, yeah, so many people are like, whoa, whoa, hey, buddy. I was just saying, I wanted a snapback hat. I hit a nerve here. I think America's doing pretty okay.

Travis, you watched the movie collapse. Is this a plot line? I mean, it's like the old dude from that movie is like, oh, I know exactly what I'm talking about. Look, here's a graph and the graph says Jinko jeans on it. And then it's just a line going down. So thanks, Obama, I guess. I enjoy the idea that the supposition that the collapse of society was not heralded by the existence of Lincoln Park, which I probably could have gotten on board with, but with

Lincoln Park switching to snapbacks and hipster wear. That is the side that we have. Well, that would signal the fall of Rome. Is they went to wear on the skinny fit togas? As everybody knew, was there is there any fucking ban from that era that has kept it OG and by OG, I mean 2003-2004. I mean, Harry Connick Jr. has kept it pretty close to the best. He's kept it pretty cool.

Um, I think I think Blink 182. No, fuck those fools. Those fools went fucking Corpo sell out bullshit. That way they're not invited back to Warp Tour anymore. I remember those fucks used to show up at Warp Tour and they had those thermal shirts and they cut holes in them for the thumbs to come through. That was a cool fucking look. I still do that look, but out of necessity because I just have a lot of holes in my shirt.

And you get cold palms. By the way, the cold palms because I'm sure everyone was wondering the last post on thecomingdarkage.blogspot.com was posted in 2004. So apparently they gave up. They gave it up. Fuck. Maybe they traded in their jinkas and they're like, no, it's time. This is a young man's game.

Let me just throw this out real quick too. Abraham Lincoln Park. Go on. You just said a thing. It didn't really. I know, but it pops in my head like five minutes ago and I knew it wasn't going to come up organically. Yeah, well, that's a pretty good reason. That's like, you just wrote a sketch day, a series of sketches on Saturday Night Live.

You don't take more than that sometimes. Can I read another Yahoo? Please. It's sent by Steven Emrick. Thanks Steven. It's by a Yahoo Answers user. What? And then an emoticon that I don't know how to pronounce.

And what asks, what do you like the most about Yahoo Answers? For me, for me, it helps me to spend my time. That was what? Answering not me. It helps me to spend my time. Oh, he's in prison. It's possible. What is in solitary confinement, but somehow has gotten his hands on a tablet.

Yahoo Answers is better about leaping to assumptions. Yeah. Okay. It helps him spend his time because he's trapped in a box. That the government put him in for crime. He put him in a crime box for a thing he did. You can leave anytime you want, but there are bars. There are locked.

And they're locked. They will meet with you periodically to see if you're cool to go. Are you cool to go? Not yet. Guys, someone answered the best thing about Yahoo is having contacts and making friends here. There's some nice people here. There's some trolls too. What kind of lasting relationship begins with,

help my cats on fire and it's in my butt and I'm drunk. And I'm 12. Um, guys, I like if you make that joke, but if someone helped you out of that old dickament, then I think you would owe them a debt of gratitude and you would like appreciate it. If someone helped you out of that and they were able to keep it a secret, you know them a life debt. You'd have to follow the route.

Why don't they try to Yahoo Answers that's like a mob thing? Where instead of like asking for advice, you ask for a favor, but someday Yahoo Answers will contact you and they'll need you to do them a favor and you can't say no. Sort of like pay it backward. Yeah, pay it backward. I would be on this on board with like goofing about all these people probably haven't made any long lasting friendships through Yahoo Answers,

but I watched this second life documentary where like married people like swinging with each other and like going to conventions in Las Vegas for like people that they run second life businesses with online and like anything's fucking possible. There probably is a Yahoo Answers baby out there. I mean, it's not sad. It's fucking beautiful. Who are we to cast dispersions? I just hope it's one of the good ones.

People have given us so much and we've given them nothing. We've given them literally nothing. I'm going to fucking start a Yahoo Answers account. That's my New Year's resolution. I'm starting a Yahoo Answers account. I'm going to get active in that community. I'm going to fucking do a thousand hours of community service. I'm going to get my hands dirty.

The catch 22 of the nature of our business is that if we were to honest to God answer and fix all of these, if we were to be the Yahoo Answers superheroes that didn't make fun, but instead answered earnestly and honestly, we put ourselves out of a job. Because you think we could be the change that we want to see in the world or in this case that we don't actually want to see? We were both through. And instead of these, you were like, yeah, put a pizza across your butt. If we went through and said, oh, okay.

You want to wait. That's how you do it. And you do it like this. Or we would probably tell them not to do that, Travis. We wouldn't give them detailed instructions on the best way to put pizza on a butt. No, no, no. I'm saying that that's an all. Give them alternate ways to give back your pizza.

How would you even know the best way to put pizza in your butt, Travis? Because you can't go it. That's the another catch. But if you remember, the question wasn't how best to do it. There was other ways to get back at their parent without putting pizza across in their butt. What I'm saying, though, is we have built another catch 22 in there. Where do you look for how to best put pizza in your butt? But Yahoo Answers.

It's a fucking time paradox. You can't get that information from Yahoo Answers to give it to someone on Yahoo Answers. This is the thing about Yahoo Answers that you don't realize until you really get deep into it and think about it. And this is what those people over at midnight will never understand about Yahoo Answers. Is that it is only an appropriate place for questions. They're either questions that are so weird, Google can't answer them, or people that are so dumb, they can't Google.

So that's the balance the Yahoo Answers strikes. It's right there in the middle between the bizarre and the stupid. It has to be a one in a million problem for there not to be, because they think about this for a second. If you Google any of these questions, which I assume you would do before you put yourself out there to strangers. If you Google any of these questions, and someone has already asked it on Yahoo Answers,

then the answer you seek will be there. So QED, you cannot be the first person in the world to have this problem for it to appear on Yahoo Answers. That's how unique the situation has to be. This seems like a great money making opportunity, doesn't it? Like if I do that, and the top answer is Yahoo Answers, then I will know that this is knowledge. This is information that literally doesn't exist in the world.

I can breathe more knowledge into the world, like Albert fucking Einstein. And also, I can go to Godaddy.com, and I can get the domain pizzabutts.org. Uh-huh. Or, I mean, let's make it more descriptive. Best Pizza Butts. BestPizzaButts.org. Don't go to pizzabutts.org.

Their answers are unsatisfactory. Come here, wishy. Now, our best way to put pizza butts in your bag. Our patented technique, you can tell it's patented, because butts is with a Z. With the spread and bend. It's funny, because I feel about Yahoo Answers the same way you feel about, like, that one friend you've got, where it's like,

you're okay to make fun of him, but as soon as anyone else does it, I'll fucking bite your fingers off so you can't internet anymore. It's like, listen, I appreciate Yahoo Answers on a non-ironic, deep level that you will never understand. So, thanks so much for listening to our Yahoo Answers Tribute episode of My Brother, My Brother Me. My Brother, My Brother Me. It's a great service.

If Marissa Mayer puts her fucking fingers on it. Is that the Yahoo lady? I don't know. I know that I'm serious about Chris Hardwick in Midnight. They're chomping on flavor, and I'm fine with it, because it's great flavor, and I think there's enough flavor for every person. There is plenty of flavor. Get up.

So, thank you for listening to our program. Thank you to people who have been tweeting about it. Like Church's wife, Mbiddle. Usman Alex. Two Alexes. Gaston Tercero. Tercero? Yeah, I'm going to go with Tercero.

Jamville Rosa at Garden. Brady Bennett Bugs. Emma Elaine. Thirteen Scarecrows. Sam Houston. Patrick B. Foss. Josh, Kevin Locke. So many others.

We sure appreciate it. If you want to share a link to the show, to get people started, a great option is bit.ly4-mbnbam2013, that's our new sampler for this year. Guys, how about an apology? Yeah, a very special apology. Try to remember these. Our friend and old listener Maureen, who went through the trouble of giving us money

for a money zone spot, that we did a pretty bad job with all things considered. We really blew it. We really blew it. It was a happy birthday wish to Michelle, which I guess redo. Happy birthday, Michelle. The offending, I think, portion was that she called her her love burrito, and I said that was gross. And I can see.

And I made fun of Kale, which I feel awful about. And I think that I wasn't saying that human love between two people is gross, because I just got, I just got married. I'm obviously on that team. I thought when you said. I don't think, because I was picturing like a giant burrito that you have sex with. Family double dare style. Oh, I was thinking of a burrito that you have sex with,

and immediately the logistics of that like entered my mind. And within like a split second, I thought like after a month, that burrito has got to go. But I could understand how it could come off as like a condemnation. So we done fucked that bit up. So apologies, Samoreen. Happy birthday to Michelle. We'll try to get it together. I will not do so.

We love you both. Thank you for supporting the show. We're sorry that we made you sad. I will not do songs though, because I'm not. I'm not a whore. I'm not a musical whore like Linkin Park. If you want to take a shot. If you want to throw your hat in the ring, if you want to spin the wheel,

go to maximumfun.org slash jumbotron and get something special for somebody or maybe mess things up. Maybe we'll just do it really bad. But then you'll get what's rarer than a money's own spot and apology. You can't pay for that. I don't know that we've apologized before except maybe to jugglers and furries. No, we didn't even apologize to jugglers. We stuck by those guns.

Griffin, do you want to thank John Roderick and the Long Winters? John Roderick? John Roderick and the John Juggers. I'm Ron Jondrick. This is my band, Don Winters. I want to thank John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme songs instead of Parture off the album Putting the Days to Bed. You know, Beyonce just secretly released an album.

If you guys could do that shit, if you guys could do that shit, it would be a legit candlelight's miracle. You could release it on our show. People would tune in. They'd hear the disclaimer at the beginning. And what's that? Just an hour of Long Winters. Hey, this disclaimer sure is going a while.

And then there's another song and another and another and another. We're not saying that it's the probably not the broadest way to distribute your music. But it doesn't get us out of a week of work. So that is true of that. We do love that. Oh, and make sure that you check out Hulu Plus if you haven't I assume that you already have because everybody has. But if you haven't, you can get it on your Xbox, your iPad,

your Samsung tablet, whatever. And check out all of their awesome shows and their original shows. You get an extended free trial by going to HuluPlus.com slash my brother. All one word. Check out Almost Human. I've been jamming on it. It's really good. Is it good?

It is. I was I turned it on on a whim. And it's like really good. Is it? So like do a prose cons comparison with Almost Human and Little Wonders. Go. Um, that's hard. I can do it with not quite human.

Nope. That's not what I wanted. It's not what I wanted. Is it? I'm one of the Little Wonders, didn't I? It's not nearly as erotic. Okay, cool. God, this final Yahoo answer is sent in by Sam Grubb.

Thank you, Sam. I guess before we go, please send in Canonite's questions. Oh, yeah. You can ask and share. And make sure you listen to it with a loved one who maybe has never listened to their show before. That's your Canonite's present to us. It'll be clean.

Please warn them that it's not usually. All right. This one is sent in by Sam Grubb. Thanks, Sam. It's by Yahoo Answers user Mandy who asks, What are dogs made out of? I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy.

I'm Griffin McRoy. You're my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Baby, girls didn't want to say that I wanted. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

Listener supported. This is Vince. This is Teresa. We host a show called One Bad Mother. We're a comedy podcast about parenting. Not a parenting podcast. And for some reason, we seem to be most popular among single dudes with no kids.

Weird. The only advice you'll get from us is when we tell you to stop feeling like a **** for being a mom. Or a dad. Or, you know, a single person with no children. Find us on iTunes or at Maximumfun.org.