My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 192: Long Bums

Episode Date: March 17, 2014

Happy MaxFunDrive, everybody! Make sure you don't talk while listening to today's episode, or else we'll eat the fingers right off your hands. Suggested talking points: Goof Taxman, Goofy Movie Free Association Jazz, Wedding Face, TV Talking, Chicken Shipment, Labels, Matters of the Chocolate Heart, Adam Sandler's Secret Tears, Brothy the Blind Soup Man

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Who's that at the door? Can I guess? Can I raise your guess? Raise your guess, guys. Is it the Maximum Fun Tax Collector? It's the tax man. He's here at the door, and the time has come. The bill is due. You've had a lot of fun over the past year, and now it's time to pay the Pony Piper. Time to go to the comedy debtors prison.

My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. My name is Griffin McElroy. I'll eat the fingernails off your fingers if you don't donate. That's how I do my, that's like my like form of, um, that's like my form of like mafia torture, I guess. I don't know. Let me say that this is my brother, my brother made an advice show for the modern era, and this week is Max Fun Drive, and that means my advice is that the bill is due. It's not really advice as much as it is a threat. Guys, for real though, I, I, I love doing these drives because like it's crazy that people support us in this way, but the more years that passed, I start to feel like guilty because like I can't believe how much support we've gotten in past years. You know what I mean? Like I feel like we're

sort of, sort of pushing it to continue asking for support, but it really does help us and, and the network grow in pretty significant ways. It doesn't help us. It gets us money. Don't you want us to have money? Don't you like us? Aren't we your friends? Won't you give your friends some money if they needed it? Money is good to have for the things to do. Here's the way I look at it. This, the Max Fun Drive is not about getting money from our friends as much as I would like it to be. It's about celebrating the relationship that's formed between our supporters and the things that they support. It's us saying thank you and welcome to the family to new donors. And that'll be $500 America. That'll be $500. Don't try and pay us in Yen or RuPaul's or Rupees from Zelda. RuPaul's.

Or RuPaul's. Don't try and give us five RuPaul's. We cannot spend that at Trader Joe's. We just can't. I tried. So anyway, this is our pleasure of episode. We'll be talking anymore about what that means. The short version is you are about to become a member of the Max. Okay, so the Max Fun Fun is like a family, okay? And if you don't give us money, then you're not a member of the family. If you do give us money, you can give us more money and just like any other family become more loved. And increase your status in the family. You could become, you could become the dad. You could become the dad of the family. Isn't that what you want? Anyway, let's help people and then we'll talk about this a little bit more. I regularly heat up leftovers at work

and eat them at my cubicle for my lunch break. When this happens, passing colleagues feel compelled to let me know how delicious my lunch smells as they pass by, which for some reason makes me highly uncomfortable. Is there a way to get them to chill or am I at fault having fired the first olfactory shot when I filled the office with reheated burrito fragrance Tommy S? It is your fault. Is it? You gotta eat that food cold like a failure. The only thing that makes sense in this world is for everyone to eat a scentless lunch in the office. If you're reheating, if you're bringing in leftovers, I cannot tell you how many times one of the break, many break rooms I've inhabited in one of my many retail jobs has been filled with a perfume of something like old salad

stuffed in a burger that is also old and it's very implicit. At least he's rolling up with good smelling burritos. Says he. Fair. Maybe they're trying to get, maybe it's like a little passive aggressive like, I really smell that. That has a very present smell to me. Can I tell you how my brain work? Because I'm a fucking eight year old and this is very much like the part of my brain that whenever you guys would have birthdays because you have the same birthday, I had to get a present too, which I think probably ruined me for life. But whenever I would be at work and I would smell somebody cooking pizza, I would always be like, ah, shit, damn, went out for pizza for everybody. No, it's not. Dance going on private solo damn pizza adventure.

That's why what you gotta do is you gotta heat up your burrito and then escape the building and spend five minutes outside of that hellhole for once. Go get in your car, a little car dining. How romantic. Heat it up on the cigarette lighter. Just like in Goofy movie. Just like in Goofy movie. Have some high dad soup. Have some high dad soup Goofy movie. As a Goofy movie deep power line. Just saying things. Leaning tower of cheats. Just saying things from Goofy movie. Just a little Goofy movie free association jazz. It doesn't have to be funny as long as you recognize it. Man, I feel for this person because I haven't actually worked too many jobs where I don't think I ever actually had a job

where I worked with more than two people at the same time. A lot of small retail environments. But it would make me pretty angry when somebody would bring in leftovers because it's like that's good food probably. That's good food and we literally have no way of getting at that. There's a hardies across the street but that's just sort of just a thing to fill the hole that's inside my body that gives me strength to scan documents. Right. Tommy, let me tell you why you why it makes you uncomfortable when people recognize your food smells. It's because in any job pretty much I would say 100% of the time your job is to not get noticed and then suddenly something you can't help is drawing attention to you Tommy and that's scary. It's like prairie

dogs. You gotta stay low, don't pop them too high or the hawks are gonna swoop down and eat you. It's a reason you never see those little motherfuckers eating burritos. That's true. Next time someone compliments the smell whip out a secret fork that you had hidden in your pocket and just like dive in my man. Indicate that you want to get in there and then people will learn. You want to tell them to eat this or what? That will make them so highly uncomfortable. We got to answer on this all day. We're gonna make this happen. Let's get this thing eaten. You could also only bring in foods. There are foods we can acknowledge that are basically inedible after they have aged a day. French fries. French fries. Yeah, that's exactly

what I was thinking. I've never eaten a french fry. We're day two. 24 hours later I was like, god damn french fries. I was like, I'm around. So maybe that's an option. Cheeses. That's the thing. Anytime I get french fries at a restaurant and I do some sort of doggie bag, I almost always have french fries with me but I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this. They're garnish at that. They change from food to garnish. It just adds weight to the bag to make you feel you've accomplished something. I guess the best advice I can give you is to not eat in the building. Go out to your car. Or devise a special suit that you can wear that you put the food inside before you eat it. A little space suit for your food. I know what I mean

and it keeps all the smells trapped inside and then maybe you can put on the suit and eat it from within. Sort of like in the movie Gravity. Get something like, yeah right, where the astronauts wear, where it's like, it's warmed by soup, like soup circulating through the suit and you can just dip into a nozzle and slurp something down. Do not grab the wrong nozzle. Don't grab the wrong nozzle. Don't get the wrong nozzle. And don't let that soup just flow free. That's how that astronaut almost drowned. Did you hear about that? Soup. I heard about that on the news channel. Yeah, loaded potato soup going in there and it was just free floating in space, getting his nose and his eyes and his gullet and he couldn't breathe and he died in space and he's still up

there. Like, like, like, like, yeah. You know what I, I miss like you so much. Me too. So you got a fucking bad hand. Girl, do you have a yahoo? Sure. Um, this yahoo was... I knew you would. I thought you would at least. Okay. This yahoo was sent in by David DeCruz. Thank you, David. It's by Yahoo. It's by Yahoo Answers, user Olivia, who asks, best exercise to get rid of a long bum? What? Best exercise to get rid of a long bum? I know. Exercise is not my cup of tea at all. But I've got one of those, quote, long bums. Unquote. And lately I'm a bit paranoid about it. Ways to make it go. I've got one of those long bums that you read about. You can't just put things in quotes and

make them a thing. That's not how English works. It's just gonna be one of those things where we're gonna like make fun of this for being like a made up bullshit thing and then we're gonna get all these emails where it's like, I'm from Ireland and here we say long bum all the time. Maybe that person's from Ireland. Or maybe it's an affliction that specifically affects Ireland. Like, oh, you might. It's basically like two cone heads down there. That's what I'm imagining. It's just like two cone heads down there. Just dipping into Urban Dictionary real quick. Okay. Oh, a long bum is a long flat ass. Usually, although not exclusively found on older middle aged women. How can it be long and like a duck spill? Apparently at one point it's stuck out. But now it's fallen. Apparently

your butt starts between your shoulder blades and stops mid thigh. So it's just like a long. Oh my god. Okay. So it's long up and down. Not long. Okay. So I was imagining a sort of a protrusion. Right. That's thank you. Or like a plesiosaur. Is that right? Yes. Were they the ones that had the thing? It is often accentuated by unstylish ill fitting high waisted pants or skirts. If we're talking about a butt, because I'm still having trouble wrapping my mind around the proportions, are we are we talking about this being long on the horizontal axis? No, we're talking about a can start over her shoulder like a continental soldier. Talking about a bum that starts at the back of the nape of your neck and extends down to your

ankles to where if you fall backwards, it is you can spread out your arms and glide like a squirrel. I still I don't think that's true. I don't think a person can have that in like function. Apparently you just think that because you don't know enough middle aged women because apparently according to Urban Dictionary, that's our target demo here. Middle aged women at some point just like fucking rupture and divide up the back. It's all migrating. But yeah, only when there's a full moon though. My question is how would Sir Mix a lot feel about this? He would probably like be initially really into it and then think like, I don't know. Like, Hey, mama, I'm loving it. You know what? Actually, I do like big butts, but like, like spacious butts. I don't know.

Right. I like butts with a lot of volume, not with not square footage. I don't care about diameter so much as I care about volume. You have your butts radius is like unhealthy. It seems like it's hard to say. Maybe got a back that is literally 100% composed of butt. It's yeah, like your whole back. Like, I mean that literally you have butt. You have a back that is a butt. I don't think that's what this is. I think a long bum is just a bum that sticks out really far from the back and you have to wear special prescription pants to get it in there. See, I think that's a look everybody's going for. I don't think that's something you need to work off. No, no, but you understand it's not like a round like, you know, you know, round, a nice round

bump. It's just, I don't know. It's just like a, like a ray. It just shoots out there. Are you talking about a bum that is entirely composed of light? Can we stop saying bum? I'm just using the vernacular. So like a butt, sorry, it is composed of light. Listen, no description that we can come up with is going to be better than my two cone heads thing. I think we already nailed the visual, like two, two leaders just sort of like popping out there. What exercise can we do to shorten this thing? You got to lay down on your stomach and then put weights on top of it and slowly let it push back down. You're going to have to lay there for a month. You're going to need caretakers and you're going to get more weight. You're trading off

long bum for bed source, but you stand up, you put books on your bum and then you walk like a beautiful lady across the room and eventually with your perfect posture, you will eliminate long I don't think you'll eliminate it as much. She's got it. I think you'll probably just sort of hinge it down. I think you'll just bend it down at like a, like a 110 degree angle, which is still not ideal, but at that point you can at least sort of tuck it into your pant legs. I think the nice thing about the book solution is even if it doesn't get rid of your long bum, you'll discover that you have some very convenient build-in shelving. I don't think you could put like just books on your butt and walk around and be like, so wait a minute, Griffin, just so I'm clear, you don't think

you could put books on your butt and walk around. Is that what you're saying? I just want to clarify after almost 200 episodes, this is where you draw the, no, it's just we're spending so much time asking, can we do this? And we should spend time thinking, should we do this? And then you're slapping it on a lunchbox and you're selling it. You're selling it. You can't. You can't. You're putting your lunchbox on your butt and you're carrying it. You're carrying it. You have a crazy long bum. It's very stable. It's a load bearing bum. Your bum finds a way out of your pants. It extends into infinity. The bum of the mind. We've said nobody's listening anymore because we said bum too many times. This is our Pledge Drive show and we joked about it at first, but this is

legitimately a really important time of year and we're doing a longer episode for you because, hey, that's what we're here for. So Maximum Fun Drive 2014, if you pledge to give us some money every month, right, and what does that money go to? It's going to help fund our shows. It's going to help us acquire new shows. It's going to help us make the great shows that you love. So very, very, very much. Can we point out like earlier this year, we spent that money on getting Travis a new computer because his fucking literally died while we were recording a show. It helped expand the network. We added, what, four new shows? No, not even that because we added fucking saw bones in the last year. There's a lot and it lets us make great stuff. But here's the thing,

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Stack Soap. That's right. Stack Soap is back there. A huge support of the Maxfun Network and you're going to get a bar of it thanks to our buddies at Tonks and Stack Soap. They're very, very nice. Oh, Warren, once you get that first bar and once you slot in whatever dumb shitty soap you're using now into it, you are never going to use any kind of soap. No kidding. Since we first got that Stack Soap, it's the only kind of soap I've used. Only soap I've used. Yeah. And it's $35. You also get your, you should point out that for each like thing that you have, each level you move up, you get all the stuff in the levels before you get the calendar and the free, the bonus content whenever you get the $20 a month Morning Essentials Kit. $35 a month. You're

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fucking Titan Buckshot LaFunk download codes. Y'all welcome. Enjoy. What a good album. Fuck. Buckshot LaFunk rules. Now keep in mind that these are for, if you're already a donor and you upgrade, then you can get like, so if you're already a $10 a month donor, you can upgrade to the Diamond Friendship Circle and you'll get all the gifts. If you're already a donor, like, thank you. Like, your support is unbelievable to me. You're going to get all of the bonus content, all the bonus episodes from all the shows. But if you want the new gifts, then you got to either up your total or if you've never donated, then you can start and then, you know, get whatever. So anyway. This is the most important thing. Okay. Give it. What's the most important thing?

When you donate, when you become a donor, you're going to be asked to pick your favorite show on the network. And you should pick my brother, my brother, and me, even if we're not your favorite. I beg of you. I don't know if it's... My brother, my brother, and me. I don't know if it's gonna happen again. You must destroy all the other Max Fun shows. Well, you know, there's another show, also. They're fucking pig Sawbones. There's one show called Sawbones that I get a 50-50 split on. So let's just, like, weigh it between those two. Like, just aside for yourself. Listen, on any other day, I'm a huge fan of Sawbones. We must crush it. Just want to say, God, baby, only I still want to start. So just like Sawbones or my brother, my brother, me, whatever you want to do.

I don't see any of the Sawbones profits. So, okay, so you're going to go... Here's what you're gonna do. You're going to go to maximumfun.org right now, and you're going to click donate. Are you hypnotizing people right now? You're going to do this. Look at this towel. I don't have... I do not have a pendant. Your eyes swell. Don't think about this decision anymore. Go there first and then think about it.

As you're buying it, like, think about, like, is this right? We... Listen, we need you. We appreciate you. Thank you so much. I got to have another question. I'm a wedding photographer. I love the way you say it from time to time. I love... I'm just now realizing this almost after 200 episodes, and maybe it's because I, like, listen to it while we're doing it and I edit it. You have so many words that you toss an extra R into at the beginning of it, and it's the most family circus, like, most adorable thing in the entire world.

Now, what are you... What are you referring to, exactly? You just said photographer. You went full-born Jeffy for, like, a half second. I think you have a very, like, selective aphasia, and it's like a Jeffy aphasia. Aphasia. I'm a wedding fr... I'm a wedding photographer. Justin, have you ever... Did you ever take a science class and learn all about phyretosynthesis?

He was my favorite hobby. Isn't that the ability of hobbits to feed themselves by standing in the sun? Sure. I'm a wedding photographer, and some of my friends of mine from high school, who I haven't really kept in touch with, hired me to shoot their wedding. They sent me a wedding invitation, which is unusual. Should I feel obligated to bring a wedding gift, even though I wouldn't have been invited if I weren't doing their photos?

That's from Ben in Toronto. Toronto. I was going to ask, like, were you close in high school? But I guess if you, like, if you know you wouldn't have been invited, if you weren't the photographer, that kind of answer... Well, no, I mean, they may have been close in high school, but, like, I have people that I was close to in high school that I, like, I just haven't kept in touch with, and I didn't invite them to my wedding.

But I think that's the question, is, like, were you super good friends, and you're also the photographer? There's a huge variable here that this person did not include, and it will affect any judgment we could possibly render on this subject, and that is, are they paying you to photograph their wedding? Because if they just fucking invited you, oh, man, I really don't want to pay for a photographer. Do we know anybody?

Oh, yeah. Well, he specifically said they hired him to do it. Well... Okay, but that's a win either way. The solution is the same either way. I don't think that that changes the verdict, because one of two things is happening here. Either you are hired labor, right, you're being paid to do a job there,

in which case you wouldn't bring a gift any more than the guy that's going to carve up the prime rib that would bring a gift that wouldn't make any sense. He brings the meat. He brings the meat, and that's his gift. Now, flip side, if you are not getting paid, and they just ask you to shoot photos, oops, looks like you already got your gift, and it's called your talent.

Hey, and how about that's the best gift ever? That's like a $1,200 gift. That's like a crazy expensive gift. Now, that said, what you don't want to do is volunteer. If they are going to pay you $1,200, Ben, do not call them and say, that's going to be my gift to you, because you need to feed yourself and close yourself and house yourself.

Yeah, no, you would... No, no, no, you're not going to offer this. If it is understood that you're doing this for free, no gift. If they're paying you, no gift. This is a... You are scot-free here. Okay, you are completely, completely fine. Now, if you want to maybe throw them in a few extra prints at the end,

maybe a few extra wallies. Maybe hire prints. Maybe hire prints to do a big movie ending number at the end of their wedding. Maybe include a few pictures of yourself in the final cut. Ooh, a couple boudoirs. Maybe sign them, my best. My best, get grats on the wedding.

Here's what I looked like on that special day. You probably don't. You were busy. Here's my reaction. You were super busy. This is what my face looked like the moment that you said I do an exchange vows and gave each other rings and then kissed. I know you probably wanted photos of that instead, but I was a little busy taking pictures of my face and my reactions

to your eternal love. I'm so sorry. Here's a pretty bird that I found outside. Sorry about missing the father daughter dance. It was during the father daughter dance, but look at this bird though. Also, I scheduled some swimsuit photos. Very tasteful. Very tasteful.

It was during the cake cutting. I am very sorry about this also. But look at these babes. Look at these babes though. I got them on site at your wedding. I got you a copy of the calendar that I made. Smoking babes on their wedding days, but not their wedding days. It was yours.

Denise's. Smoking babes on your wedding day. They wore your veil. I hope that's cool. Did I ever tell you guys about, this is a bit of a non sequitur, but talking about reactions to ceremonies. Maybe think about it when Rachel and I were shopping around for wedding venues. We went to a place where just the douchiest fucking guy ever was the,

I guess, groundskeeper and proprietor of this establishment. First of all, literally 15 feet as the crow flies from the ceremony spot, they had the three crosses, like the Calgary. Calgary, is that right? Who would know? Calgary? Like the mountain, the crucifixion mountain. Calvary.

Calvary. Okay. Calvin and Hobbes. Calgon. They had that, which is not ideal, right? And then we were talking to- Well, that's a great photo op. A great, great photo op, also a chilling reminder

as you're walking down the aisle. Oh man, we've had sex so many times already, shit. And this dude, we were talking to him about what his duties his coordinator would be, and he was like, during the ceremony, I just sort of stand at the back. And what I do is I don't look at the bride when she walks down the aisle. I look at the groom's face, and that's how I know. And I was like, we have to get in our car. We have to get in our car, and we have to drive,

and we have to move away from the estate. Because that was the creepiest thing, a stranger. Hi, I just met you five minutes ago, but I'm going to scope your face, and that's how I'm going to know whether you love your bride or not. What if during the fucking day, I'm chasing a mosquito or something, and I'm distracted, and he's like, this fool doesn't love this lady? Objection, get the fuck out of my venue. True love only.

True love only. Man, what a gross, gross guy. That is not a cool- Not ideal. Anyway, you are covered on photos. Good news, Ben. No photos. Of course, I don't know Canada law.

This is my American advice. I've never been to a Canadian wedding. Maybe it's different. I don't know. Probably not. Probably not that different. Probably better. Bad news.

What? My wife likes to talk during movies and TV shows. Not me, but me. But, I mean, yes, also me. Me, the character, me. Not me, specifically. Me, the character I'm playing right now. And I'm sad to say, podcasts that we listen to in the car,

including levers, how dare you. I've taken a secretly watching my shows late at night when she's asleep, so I don't have to pause and rewind them constantly, treating doctor who would say in privacy and shame one would treat pornography. My wife is a lovely person who might adore. So is there a way I can convince to trick her not to do this? That's from, I really don't think I should put my name here. They actually say a way I can convince or trick her,

which, man, I really wish every question we got gave us as much rope to hang ourselves on. Maybe just before you start watching it, give her a big mouthful of taffy. Bad news about your sign off, by the way. She knows. She knows already. Wives are much smarter than husbands. They put a little peanut butter in there. Maybe a ring pop.

Maybe a ring pop. That's a juicy jewel of flavor. Oh, maybe smoking. Maybe at least then, you know, you could get some listening in between the drags. I, man, this is like so hard because what you're basically, I mean, the basic implication of asking her to curtail this behavior is like, listen, I know that you have some things to say to me, but I'm trying right now. I'm trying to hear Jeff Rope describe this challenge,

and I don't want to be lost on the rules of this like meaningless thing. You miss the explanation, and then they go, and then there's a ball, and then they're throwing water to each other, and then they have to walk on a beam. It's basically at that point like watching chimps do the regular activities, like playing in some sort of habitat. You got to raise the banner. You got to use the water in the balls to raise the banner. And it's like, I don't know how they use the water in the balls to raise the banner.

I don't know who's winning. I have no context for who's doing good at this sport because you won't shut your fucking trap. That's also what it's like trying to watch Big Brother at any point during Big Brother ever in history. Yeah. You will never, you will never understand. If you did not watch it from the very beginning, that's just like war and peace. You were never going to catch up with like, okay, so wait a minute.

They have to flip for the head of household. And then there's a robot named Zanebot that comes in and insults them. And also they're all covered in whipped cream. What's happening? What's a showman dying? We've tried to watch that with my in-laws before, and we still have not been able to catch up with the roles. Yeah, this sucks.

I don't know what to tell you because it's like, you can't be like, I don't want to hear what you have to say. I want to hear what Bradley Whitford has to say. You can't say like, I treasure more what the virtual man inside my box that I got from Best Buy more than I treasure your words, my wife, I love you. You know what you might try? And this is something that like- Or we should make this clear.

This is, this is a gender neutral thing. Some of the worst, the worst infractors of this, this social norm that I know are all dudes. Yeah. Do you want to know like moment of clarity, my real advice here? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Yep.

Tough. Wow. I mean, here's the thing, but like- Can I, can you, can I upgrade that real quick? Yeah. Tough titty. Okay, thank you. Good addition.

Justin, anything you'd like to add? I mean, I have some actual good advice, but go ahead and do your thing. No, but here's my advice. You gotta, you can't let it bother you. You have to do it and enjoy spending time with your significant other and realize it's not about your enjoyment of the media anymore. It's about spending the time together, listening to the thing. And then if you want to do it again later without her,

so that you can get a full- A double dip. A sensory experience. A director's cut. Go for it. But you can't- It's like watching bonus content. Yeah.

But you can't tell her to shut it because what you're saying- Well, don't, you wouldn't tell her to shut it, Travis. I don't think that if he was going to find a way to do this, he'd, I don't think he would go, Hey, real quick, shut it. Thanks. Jeff's describing the challenge. Can you shut it?

I'm not saying I'm perfect. This is my single brother, Travis. Any of you? I, I, two things. First off, Travis does have some grain of truth inside what he's saying in that if you're watching TV, it should be a communal activity. You're never going to, you know, if you both feel like like paying really close attention,

then find a show that, you know, you do that. If you want a show where you're just going to like not just chat all the way through it, there are shows that are great for that too. That's what reality television is for. Oh my God, the bachelor was made for that. Like the bachelor are literally the people I watch that show with. Like we talk constantly because usually we drain two bottles of red wine while watching it. So that's not like, that's not that far off.

I mean, I think usually you might be able to get a sense maybe of like, if, if there's a time when the two of you are going to want to watch a show and chat through it or watch show and focus on it. The other thing I would say is this is something that I was really bad about early in my marriage is that like I would turn the TV on as soon as we sat down to eat dinner. And then it would just stay on permanently. And Sidney and I would talk a lot through TV shows and it initially bugged me. But then I realized that like that was the only time the two of us were sitting together

was that the TV was on. So if you take some time and like have, like just make more time to actually talk and you know, talk about what's going on in our life and you know, do that great communication that makes relationships so great, then you know, it may not be something where, you know, she may be all talked out. You may be all talked out. I'm saying she, again, to re-emphasize. We're specifically answering this person's question.

This is not a gender issue. It's not because sometimes I get talky and Sidney gets irritated at me. It's usually during reality TV shows where she'll go like deep into something. I'm like, I listen, I'm just, I don't, I want her to say yes to some dress. Sure. But I can't really focus on individual dresses. They're kind of blurring together. This season of the bachelor was especially perfect for it.

Because not because Juan Pablo English was his second or third language, but because he was terrible and didn't some like have a conversation with any of the 27 women that he sampled during that show. Sampled. Is that the right verb? Sampled is the appropriate verb. How do you say sampled? You guys want to know who?

Yes, please. Okay. I said yes, please. Okay. This Yahoo! was sent in by Jordan Benner. Thank you, Jordan. It's by Yahoo! Answers user, Carmen, who asks, how could I mail fried chicken?

Oh, if you figure it out. My friend would like some Chick-fil-A, but the nearest is states away. How could I keep the chicken healthy? Parentheses frozen in the mail. Thanks for your help. There's real answers to this, but. What's the real dry ice? I mean, you freeze it and then there's like cooler boxes you could ship stuff in.

That's how they ship like frozen Omaha steaks and stuff. I mean, fried fried chicken proper on the bone would hold like that's that's good picnic food. Yum, yum. I don't think a fucking sloppy pickle Chick-fil-A Sammy is going to like. And that's the other promise is not coming frozen. You're going to buy it made and hot from the store and then freeze it and then ship it.

I mean, I don't think that that that temperature, temperature yo-yo is not going to you're not going to come out on the winning end of that. God, no. How boner is this person for some Chick-fil-A though? Because you got to think like once you add dry ice there, you're going to want to do two day shipping at the very most, right? You don't want to go any longer than two days overnight. You got to overnight.

You have to hire an organ courier to get it to you. Exactly. My friend's going to die if he doesn't get this Chick-fil-A transplant. Go, go, go. Of all the, of, I mean, do you want me to really fucking set this? I doubt this person's listening, but the easy solution is you can make this shit at home yourself and it's the easiest. You know the secret?

Marinate that chicken and pickle juice for like a day and then you cook it. Whoa. Whoa. What's up, Tacey? Where's the homophobia come in? Oh, and then you just like yell some brutal Fred Phelps shit at it. Oh, yeah. Maybe like, I mean, obviously option one is like, don't worry about your flay.

I mean, that's like, that's fine. No, they turned it. They turned it around. No, they, no, they turned it around. They did. They did. They have a nice cam. It's just, that's a PR play.

They have a, it's a PR play, but it's coming from a place of authenticity. If you see the chicken, the commercials with the cows are like, sorry about the, sorry about all the integration. Just go, if there's a site called the serious eats, they, they have a recipe like a very detailed, not only like a recipe for how to do it, but like a story. It is like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy for making a Chick-fil-A sandwich. Like there is intrigue.

There is failure. There is redemption. There is some light drug use. There's MSG. It's got everything. And they'll tell you how to work all that stuff out. Is there a food, is there like a food that you guys can't get in West Virginia and Ohio?

And I know there's a lot of foods that you can't get, like, I don't know, vegetables. There's one I've been wanting to try. What is it? Salad. Yeah. Salad, actually. That's a shame, man. You can rack up some serious cookie points with salad.

I know. I could be cooking crazy. It's just a big bowl of cookie points. I've been wanting to try long pork for a while. I cannot find it anywhere. Okay, so actually, let me, I'm trying to think. I mean, there's stuff that I like that I can't, like, for example, I can't get, like, I like a, I like a dirty bowl of Skyline Chili every now and then.

I can't get that. Sorry, is there a clean bowl of Skyline Chili that I've never heard of or witnessed? No, I'm just saying in general, you know. You should just ask me, I'll mail you some Skyline. Now, see, this is, we're back in the same. But I will not put it in a container. I'll just dump it in a box and mail it to you. Okay, an envelope that has been reddened by beef juice.

Delicious. I'm trying to think of there any others. Yeah, I mean, there's beverages. I can't get cheer wine. Oh, no one can get cheer wine. What? Are you able to get cheer wine, Austin? No, no.

Okay, no, there's the flag store, which I took you guys to. There's sort of like a beverage depot. They have it, but it's not like... I'm pretty sure that shit is strictly in the Carolinas and Georgia in Florida. If you live there, can you send us some cheer wine? What is the address? And then juice, you'll have to forward that PO box that to me. No, I'll just jam it.

And don't send like full calorie cheer wine because I'll never drink that. That's sugar. It's all sugar. I need diet cheer wine. Anyway, yeah, those are my two, I guess. I like a nice bowl of Skyline chili. There's probably some I'm forgetting. I mean, we don't have a wide array of food options here.

We're getting a Chipotle. Whoa! Getting two Chipotle's, actually. Wait, where's the Chipotle coming in? They're putting a Chipotle on Fifth Avenue. And then they're putting one up at the mall. Two Simonable Chipotle's. We got Panera.

We got Chipotle, Huntington, City on the Grow. Yeah, we got Panera. We got all the mainstays. All the biggies. There's a TGI Fridays now. You do have sort of a vacation spot. You do have all the biggies. Got all the biggies.

Because your state wrestles with obesity. The bad news is I'm never going to be able to afford all these delights that I want to purchase because I don't have enough money. If only there was a way that I could get more of it. Do you guys have any suggestions? Let's deal it. I know our listeners at home are thinking, I just listened to these three dudes talk about the location of new Chipotle's in a town

I'll never go to for 10 minutes. How can I support this? How can I support this? How can I become a patron of this specific type of art? There's good news. Because it's Max Fun Drive time. Now, what specifically does your money go to? Well, it goes to us.

We get money, but more importantly, other people get money. And everybody gets money. And when they get that money, it lets them make this content. Like, it's not just like I'm going to align my wallet. It lets us make time in our day and our schedules to record the show and get new equipment. That's huge. I mean, really, that's a great point, Justin. Because the frequency with which new content is uploaded to Max Fun, it's mostly weekly.

Like, that's insane. And the way that we're able to do that is because, you know, we're able to be paid to do it. It's a job. And so you get consistent. I don't know about consistent. No, inconsistent entertainment. We throw up some fucking bricks for times. I think my slogan for my brother and my brother and me would be

inconsistent entertainment consistently delivered. You definitely get it. Definitely get something. No, we do buy new equipment. Like I said, we bought a new laptop earlier this year. Justin, you got that audio mixing board, which is why your fucking tones sound so dulcet now. Yeah, no joke. So we get to do stuff like that.

Mostly it's what I love is that like our the network has been expanding so rapidly over, especially over the past couple of years. Earlier this year, we added Oh No, Ross and Carrie. We added Lady to Lady, the goose down. We added the revamped international waters revamped international. We added fucking song exploder, which is absolutely incredible if you're not listening to it. And then I mean, last year was what? Saw bones, one bad mother.

Wham, bam, pow. Wham, bam, pow. It's these are like I listened to most of the shows on the network on a weekly basis. Like when I think about how much time I spend listening to our podcasts, like I don't know if you're in the same same boat, I think as an effort or as a value proposition. I almost had effort values, which is like a Pokemon mechanic. Just probably not. But that's like, I mean, that's why we're all donors.

I donate because I support the work that we do and I like. Yeah, all three of us are donors, which I guess is a little bit self-serving. I did not pick our show as my favorite show when I don't. I sure as fuck did. And I will again. Yeah, I'm sure. So here's what you're going to do. You're going to get a maximumfund.org and you're going to click the button on the

upper right hand corner. It says, like the show, please donate. And you click that donate button, or you can go to maximumfund.org for a slash donate. If you want to do that, if that's your thing, you're going to see a lot of different levels. If you're already a donor, just you want to go down to the bottom of the selections there and you can upgrade your donation. And just a reminder, at $5 a month, you're going to get an insane baffling amount of bonus content. $10 a month, you're going to get bonus content and this adorable calendar.

$20 a month, you're going to be in the Diamond Friendship Circle. And you're going to get the Maxfund Morning Essentials Kit. That's got stack soap. It's soap that stacks inside of itself. Figure that out. You can put the stupid sliver right in the divot and you're going to get some Tonks coffee. And that's just like in a mug, just like us saying thank you. $35 a month, if you can do that, it would be amazing.

You're going to be in Judge John Hodgman's Justice Squad and you're going to get a pair of rocket-engraved highball glasses. So go do that right this second. Can I ask you a question? Can I ask you a question? Yes. I am a full-time baller, I guess, is how you would describe me. I've also heard I've got a broke clock.

Okay, that makes sense. A second hand that don't TikTok. I've always wondered about that lyric. Like why does him having a broken piece of electronics like like modify how hard he balls? Like I have a clock that- Because he balls all the time because he's waiting for it to hit five o'clock. So you stop balling and go home to his wife.

Punch. But his clock is broken and he's stuck at work. Oh man, he's perpetually stuck at like 4.33. Like, God damn it. Where's this day going to end? I've been balling for seven years now. I'm tired, I'm thirsty, I haven't sat down. I don't know.

I have lots of clocks at work and I think that makes me ball a little bit harder because I know what time it is. What were we talking about before? Did you have a question? I want to support this network with $200 a month. Can I do that? Yeah, you can if you want to be like the best human ever. If you do that, you're going to be in Jordan's Platinum Angels.

If you do that, you're going to get free registration on the Atlantic Ocean Comedy Music Festival. That's all in a boat. So yeah, I think you're going to want to definitely do that. Who's at boatparty.business here? Let me see. Let me do a quick Google search. Oh, that's right.

Everybody on the face of the earth, except you, right now, is going to be there. They've got Chris Fairbanks, Kamal Bell, our dear friend, Kamal Bell, Moosh Kassher. Man, not a lot of easy names to say, like a quick secession. I will say that. They got Kyle. Morgan Murphy, who's hysterical. Kyle Kanane, who's great.

Who fucking nearly killed us at Max Fun-Kyle, especially. With jokes. John Roderick, who you might recognize from us talking about him every single episode ever. I'm really glad you clarified that Kyle Kanane almost killed us with jokes and not like with his bare hands. Right. He probably could. We don't want to get the pigs into this.

Maxfunfun.org forward slash donate. Go there right now. Please help us. Thank you so much. Here's another question. Hi, guys. Hey. I'm a 22-year-old lady with a German.

Oh, not German. Gentleman friend. Jesus. What's up? Hi, guys. I'm a 22-year-old lady with a gentleman friend who I'd like to start calling my boyfriend. I think Justin wishes you'd start calling him that too so he could read less. So it'll be a little easier to say thank you.

We've known each other for a few years, but just recently have been hanging out and basically dating. How can I bring up this conversation without making him feel like he's being forced to make this thing we're doing official? That's from Stumped in Stumptown. Thank you, Stumped, for taking a swing at putting in a fun name. I've seen that sort of on the decline, and we really appreciate it when you actually do that because it makes us feel like dear Abby. My concern, Stumped, is that you're using a lot of qualifying words, like basically dating.

Yeah, and it just… This kind of seems like one of those if you have to ask, then it's probably… I mean, yeah, that's kind of my take on it. Like, if you don't feel comfortable doing it, it's not the right time yet. But like, I mean, it might be the right time and just this person is dragging their feet a little bit, which if that is the case, then I don't think there is a way to not make them feel like they're being forced. I don't know.

Why does it matter? What, you label it? Why do we have to label this love? Yeah, I'm saying like, if you're enjoying their time and you're happy with how things are going, let it happen naturally and don't try to find the right time, the right time will come. Okay, but no, but just from a fucking scientific… Griffin, I just fucking dropped an awesome knowledge bomb and… I mean, you didn't.

You dropped the fucking live journals, dad. I said, I did like a linen and people are going to quote it. Okay. Um, what if this person, like, what if you're hanging out with this person and you walk up to somebody that you know and they don't? How do you introduce them? I don't know if you guys have ever… I'm not saying that's awkwardness.

And I get not wanting to deal with that. I don't know if you guys have ever been in that situation in real life. It doesn't just only happen in movies. It happens in real life. And guess what? It fucking stinks. It stinks like shit to be in that scenario. I think you gotta make…

We try the direct approach and say, listen, when we go places, I'm really tired of awkward conversations. Can we just say we're a boyfriend and girlfriend? It's like not like we're getting married. It's just a label. Is that cool with you? I actually don't hate that, but don't say the word married in there at all. Okay, no reason to up the ante anymore than it is already going to be upped.

Just, I mean, here's a… I kind of feel like the most important thing. And you'll hear this over and over again. It's like a platitude, but it is legitimately true that the most important thing you can have in any relationship, new or old, is… Butt sex. What? Sex.

Sorry? Did you say… I kind of tuned out. What were you gonna say? Unless this person has a long butt, and then that is physically impossible. Or at least exhausting. So, butt sex, but also second to, as Travis said, butt sex. It's just trying to up the adult cushion here.

Communication. Talking, honestly. Like if this is an honest… If this is a big deal to you for reasons that are not going to be intimidating, then there's no reason for you to not be honest. Like this is an awkward thing, and I kind of feel like things have been going well. You know, are we dating? Like are we exclusively dating?

Am I your girlfriend? Are you my boyfriend? It's weird introducing you to people. It's kind of a weird thing. I do wish… How long has this been going on? Hanging out and… Oh man.

That basically dating. See, that's where I think step one is like, hey, are we dating? Yeah, basically dating is like weird. Does that mean you're macking? Are you macking on each other? Like with make-outs and stuff? Is that happening? Are you like, decking?

Are you necking? Are you necking? Do you do that thing where you put your hands in each other's back pockets? The very innocent way that anybody do that in real life. Basically is weird. I think it's… You just got to talk about it. We don't know.

We don't know enough about your sitch. I'm sorry. This, yeah, this is a really tough needle to thread. I think that if you initiate the conversation though, I mean, the worst case scenario is that you scare them off and you ruin the whole thing. Great, great, great, great, great. We don't really… We're not really that good at advice.

You guys want a yahoo? Or should… No, read this next question because it's great. Okay. I just broke up with my girlfriend. Because the McRoy brothers gave me the shittiest advice. Before I broke up with her, I bought her a chocolate heart. Which I didn't end up giving to her.

My question. What do I do with this heart? Can I eat it? Should I give it to her anyway? What are you talking about? What are you even talking about? I can't return it. It was a discount item.

I can tell that… I can't believe that relationship didn't work out. Corollary question. I might be getting back together with my ex. Can I give it to her? Holy shit. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

The ex that this person is getting back together with is not… Is not the person? Separate ex. Separate ex. This is signed best dude ever, apparently. I mean, if it did… Let's not rush into this one. Okay, okay.

Can you eat the chocolate heart? Yeah. I would say yes, but only if you need it. Like, if you need it to get through this breakup, I think you are completely within your rights to like… I feel like breaking up with somebody is basically the best kind of like sad thing that can happen to you personally, because it's not the end of the world,

and it's not going to do you any long-term harm. It's just sad in like a very sort of healthy way. So I think you don't… I think the best kind of sad thing that could happen to you is that you're too good at sex, and people give you too much money to try to cope with it, and you don't know how to deal with all the pressure of being super rich and super good at sex.

The saddest, the best sad thing that could happen to you is that you're Bruno Mars. He cries himself to sleep every night, singing a low and mournful song. So you can eat it, right? I would peep, I would fucking peep the expiration date on that their discount dairy product though. I would check out when that…

If possible, it would be great to eat it in front of your most recent ex-girlfriend. This is what you did to me, symbolically speaking. You're not getting any of this. Pretend this chocolate heart is my lovin'. You don't get any more of it. Oh shit, there's a marshmallow in here? Grasp.

Grasp. You want it? I got this Valentine's Day at Walgreens last week. I got a few hours to let it stride. Please help me, I'm lost. Don't give it to her anyway. Don't give it to someone else. Don't give it to your ex.

Be careful about eating it. Maybe just bury it. Put it in your bread box, forget about it, find it again in a year. Do you know how many half-eaten bags of checksmicks I have in my bread box? It's like a fucking museum. It's the…

I have no idea why you still have all those things. Here's how it normally shakes out or on a road trip. For some reason, when I'm at a gas station on a road trip, I want checksmicks. It seems like the best overall option, that are corn nuts. And then I'll eat half the bag and when I'm at home though, I'm never feeling like I'm going to eat some checksmicks. The stuff stays good forever, basically.

It's undestroyable and I have a lot of it. A lot of half-eaten bags of checksmicks. What are we talking about? I mean, we were helping this person, but if you want to keep talking about the things that you have in your bread box. Don't give it to your ex. That is just, I mean, she's going to look at it.

Don't give it to your dog, it'll die. Yeah, don't give it to your dog, it'll die. Don't give it to your ex, she'll kill you. It's not even, there's nothing you can do with this heart. I'm sorry, now I understand your question, I'm sorry I mocked you. There's nothing you can do with it. Throwing it away would be, that sounds like a palatable option,

or so does eating it, but actually put yourself in that metaphorical head space, right? So Ben Folds evaporated, he's playing every home stereo, and you're sadly breaking off pieces of a chocolate heart, just like little saliva makes with chocolate, dribbling down your chin. Oh God, here's what you have to do, you got to lean into it. You got to put it in a skillet and watch it slowly melt away.

Shit, that's good, whatever you do, just make sure you don't throw the entire package away without Ben Folds evaporated playing, you got to go one drippy drop at a time. You got to really savor the flavor of your misery. Don't save the flavor of the chocolate, save the symbolism. No, there's nothing you can do with this chocolate.

You have to move. It's the chocolate heart's house now. That's where the chocolate heart lives. There's nothing that can happen to this heart that wouldn't be sad. Skeet shooting, maybe? That might be tight. How aerodynamic is this chocolate heart? How goes your aim?

Do you have an aw-gun? You all want a yahoo? Please. This yahoo was sent in by Drew Davenport. Thank you Drew, Emerald member, it's about Yahoo as his user. Tynan, who asks, why did I cry during Click? Click spoiler alerts if you are planning on watching Click this coming weekend and you want to enjoy it fresh with virgin ears and eyes.

Stop listening for the next few seconds. Oh, thank you. Okay. Travis, you want to dial out real quick. I'm going to take my- Kick him off the Skype call. Oh, you're both going. Okay.

Well, this is going to make conversation about this question a little bit more difficult, but I guess we will find our way through it. No, I'll just talk about it without listening like I normally do. Fantastic. Why did I cry during Click? It's a comedy, but I cried during his heart attack and when he died at the end.

I- What? I don't get- Travis, I fucking warned you. I don't get it. You don't cry during comedies, you laugh. That's how Adam Sandler fucking does it though, isn't it? He fucking gets you in the end.

You're like, I can't wait to watch this Adam Sandler movie. It's going to be a laugh riot. What's it called? Spanglish? And then you get to the end, you're like- It's like the end of Billy Madison when he has a heart attack. He has a heart attack. He's all like roast, bud.

When you saw, I now pronounce you Dave and Brandon, and then at the end it's like, I thought this movie was going to be hateful towards the gay community, and it absolutely was, but it kind of had tried to do a message there at the end. I'm sad because I watched it. I can't believe I spent my money on that. Jack and Jill, when he has a heart attack and dies, there's two different characters at the same time.

And the last shot is them lying on the floor, reaching out to each other, trying to touch each other to connect one more time. He was in a movie called- They don't cry the afterlife alone. He was in it. That motherfucker was in a movie called Funny People. It was anything but.

It was all tears, teary-eyed people. He was great in still magnolias though. Oh yeah, still funny. That was funny. That was funny. You know what other Adam Sandler movies are like? Tell us something, let's talk all about it. I like Fifty First Date.

Fifty First Date. I thought it was romantic and sweet. I like any time him and that Drew Barrymore can get together. Sure. I didn't like the part at the end when she- when he's on a respirator and she pulls his plug and she's like, this was our 50th date and he dies. And then she immediately forgets everything about him.

It would be great if the movie's called Fifty First Date One Last Date. That movie is very sad. Travis brought out Fifty First Dates, but that's probably the saddest. That is probably the saddest, right? Who is this baby? It's my what? Sorry? My child?

That I had? Yeah, because they don't show you is like the horrifying alien abduction moment when she wakes up and she's pregnant. Oh my god, Travis, you're right. She hasn't watched the video yet. She doesn't know what's up. She's just woken up and there's a baby inside her all of a sudden. How about- how about we flash forward another five years

when you try to explain to your four-year-old why they have to meet their mommy every day? Why doesn't she- are you sure she doesn't- You have a good excuse for missing her soccer game, I guess. Terrible mom. What about when the Harry Potter movies came out? There's not enough hours in a day to watch Sorcerer's Stone and Chamber of Secrets and then Prisoner of Azkaban and then Goblet of Fire and then Order of the Phoenix and then Half-Blood Prince and then-

Oh, definitely Hallows part one and then definitely Hallows part two comes out. Like there's not- that's like 28 hours already to get caught up in order to see the second part of Half-Blood. Yeah, we don't even deal with the fact in 51st States that she hasn't read a book since she was like 16 or whatever. You know, like if she can't get- even if she reads a book she forgets what was in it. She doesn't know who's president. Every morning she wakes up and is shocked that we have a black president.

She's gonna- she's gonna- Oh, that- people are gonna think she's a racist. That's an undercurrent in that film is that Drew Barrymore is just a fucking raging bigot. Every morning she's gonna go into office- in her office and say, can you guys believe we have a black president and then everybody's gonna be like, again, she's on this again. Every day she talks about this. Yeah, right. Let me see that birth certificate maybe.

Like he did. You fucking- oh my god. You're the worst. The good news is she gets to watch Gangnam Style every day for the first time. That's uplifting. Oh boy. She would be amazing like every- every day in her office she's like, no, no, no, you have to watch. The little kid is named Charlie and his little baby brother bites his finger. Just chill on it for a second.

Wait till you- wait for the moment. That was a pretty good bit, I thought. Or we talked about 51st States for a while. Yep. Here's the thing we discover. We try to do extra-long episodes when we have a pledge drive going on, but we apparently around an hour- We literally run out.

Well, we didn't even address the subject matter of this question, which is why did I cry during Click. I think it really is part of fucking Adam Sandler's formula. He'd make him laugh for 45 minutes and then you give him 15 minutes of crying. And then usually it resolves on a, you know, a bright note. I don't know if you guys have seen Click. He doesn't actually die at the end. God damn it, Griffin.

Do you think this person just like saw Adam Sandler die? I was like, too sad. Stop, eject, burn. I'm going to use my own remote. Stop it. Stop Adam Sandler's pain. I have to stop the pain. That's a good reminder that like your remote at home may not control your entire life,

but it can control how much of an Adam Sandler movie you have to watch. Which is basically the most important thing in your life. Can I ask you a quick question, Justin? Yeah, I thought grown-ups two is better than the original two. Yes, you don't even have to ask. Glad. What's the question? No, that was it.

You got it. Okay, good. Oh, I'm sorry. No, my question was, what the fuck have you ever done to make fun of Adam Sandler? Oh, that's right. That was the question I meant to ask. Who the fuck are you? Okay, go on with the next question.

Listen, I, you don't want to get started on this with me, because if we step outside the bit, you don't want to come outside the bit. You don't want to see my hand when I hit me out, because I did. I did watch, you don't mess with the Zohan on pay-per-view TV. I did do that. Under what, sir? Under what auspices, sir? Under what duress?

I'm saying you don't want to get into this conversation because you will lose. Adam Sandler will literally call me on my cell phone to thank me for being such a great fan of his. I don't mean the guy has his moments. You know what it was? Sometimes I get obsessed with knowing how bad something is. It's not like I watch it for fun, but like I can't fathom, for instance, I have watched the scene in Master of Disguise when Pistachio Disguisey dresses as a turtle and tries to get into the turtle club probably 50 times.

No exaggeration, probably 50 times. I have always wanted to actually sit down and watch that movie because if that is like the scene, how could this film get from beginning to end? That was you saying, that was the fucking hook. That was the scene that they built the rest of the film around. It was the comedy scaffold. Look at that in the trailer. Yeah, yeah.

No? Yeah. Do you think that there are people in this world that have only seen Adam Sandler and Punch Shrunk Love and if you were to show them like Happy Gilmore, it would just blow their fucking minds? Like they are saying or going, Adam Sandler is an amazing dramatic actor. Are there people who saw Punch Shrunk Love who thought that Adam Sandler is an amazing dramatic actor?

Well, if you watch it on shrooms, it's an amazing sensory experience. The colors on the between the scenes were amazing, dramatic actors. There is a lady who is the cafeteria cashier at the location I work at. She is constantly trying to hook me up with another girl who works in a different department with comments like, she's a nice girl and you guys look good together. Now who are you just doing there? That's Jackie O. Jackie O, yep.

She is starting to make me feel extremely, Jackie. That's Jackie O, my new character that combines Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis and Jackie. She is starting to make me feel extremely guilty that I haven't done anything yet. I work close to 70 hours per week and I'm a part-time student in college, so clearly I don't have time for any form of relationships. Brothers, how do I ease both the cashier lady and this other girl in informing me, forming them that my education work have to come first as from occupied in the office. I smell a Sarah Jessica Parker movie.

Yep. You're going to have to ask out the cafeteria lady. The best advice I can give you, fall, hit your head, get some sort of mild contusion. I think that's what a contusion is, and then forget and then like wake up a new person, basically who's experiencing your life for the first time and realize that love is the most important thing in your life. Or tell these people to eat your butt because this is the fucking worst ever. Eat your long butt.

Eat all 48 inches of my long butt. This sucks, dick. This is the worst when you have somebody trying to set you up with somebody else and then they try to make you feel like shit when you say I'm not interested either because I'm not attracted to that person or because I have a lot of other shit going on. It's the fucking pits. It's the worst situation you can put a person in. If you are doing that to one of your friends now, eat their butt because that's terrible.

But she sounds like such a pleasant cafeteria. She sounds nice. What's again, how's it going to shut this down Griffin in a pleasant way? Look at her and be like, hey, darling, thanks for the extra serving of pudding. I was like, fuck off. I didn't even dump the pudding on her head. But then you scoop the pudding back in the bowl because you shouldn't waste pudding. I know you're trying to make a point right now, but please don't waste this pudding.

You really do like the pudding. No, this just sucks. Why is it such a big deal? I mean, here's the best advice I can give you and that's work out of your home. I used to run into situations like this that made me uncomfortable every day and now I start working in my home and nobody bothers me more. You know how much I'd love for somebody to bother me about somebody who works in a different department? There is no one in any other department, so not my house.

You are so lucky. That's a shining like scene. It was Justin enters a cafeteria he never knew was in his house in the cafeteria later behind the counter. Are you all Mr. Mackerel? You've been here all along. Are you ready for your pudding? Has the cafeteria worker keyed in the other person to the fact that she's trying to hook you two up?

Man, I hope so because one of the things this person asks about is how to tell the other girl. See, that's the thing. That's what it makes it sound like. It makes it sound like this cafeteria worker was like, hey, I have this girl. She's really nice. I think you guys should get together. And you said, oh, I don't know. Anyway, thanks for the pudding. This is the extent of what I want our transactions to be from this point out. Thanks, bye.

And then this person took it upon themselves to go talk to the other person and say, hey, trying to hook you up with this other guy. Isn't that a great idea? That person is the worst person. I don't understand. Griffin, I don't understand why this is making you so angry. Because you are literally like, I mean, it seems pretty benign. She's just trying to have some fun past the time.

She's having fun at your fucking expense, though. It's momentarily awkward. Like, why can't this be a cute little exchange? Every single day. I will say it a little bit. Because I've actually been in this situation before where when I worked at Sears, there's a girl that I worked with. I didn't know you worked at Sears.

You're a good friend. I did in the Land's Inn department. What's up, ladies? Travis, you're married. There's this girl that I... What? You're married. No, I'm just letting ladies know that I can hook them up with the finest Land's Inn fashions.

There's this girl that she and I got along well, and we were good friends. And our boss started saying stuff like, you guys would be really cute together. You got... Have you asked her out? Unacceptable. And he's like, oh, great. And then it escalated to a point where she would do it when we were in the same area. So to both of us.

Have you guys ever thought about going out? Have you guys... It's like, this is really awful. And like, it was very atrocious. It was pretty horrible. It went from being like the benign like elbow and like, hey, have you thought about asking out what's her face? To like, you too.

You should do it. It is so hard to find a person that you get along with in that special way. You have to get along with somebody to form like a relationship with them on this level. It's so fucking difficult. You don't need like people just like chucking false flags at you on the daily. On the daily reg. That sucks. Maybe you...

Here's the problem with the tables in this situation is that they're facing the wrong direction. And when that's the case, there's only one thing you can do. Do you know what that is, Griffin? I... No. You turn the tables. Oh, okay.

You say to her... I was confused about the whole table thing at first because it's like a confusing thing. It's like a metaphor kind of like a letter. So you start serving her food. No, you say, hey, listen, chuck, the guy who makes hamburger patties is giving you the eye. And that's a little almond hose. What? Why?

Okay. You think there's a guy... You think this cafeteria is well off enough that they can hire a fucking patty technician? And not only that, is named chuck. Okay, so, you know, they've got this friend. His name is hamburger. Brothy, the soup guy, has been giving you the eye and free soup. Because he's only got one of them.

He's only got one. The other fell into soup. It was the most delicious soup this person ever tasted. And it made everybody love human flesh. Everybody tried the eyeball soup, but he could never replicate it until the one day that he did. This summer, Adam Sandler is Brothy's soup monster. No, I'm... Wait, what was your title?

Brothy the blind soup. Okay, mine was no-eyed soup monster. Okay, they're both functional. It's just a different tone. Sure. Depends on if you get a Robert Rodriguez or like a... Let's bounce it off marketing and we'll see which one has more brand appeal. I love it.

I think no-eyed soup monster has a little bit better pop. I think it'll make a way better hashtag. Here's my hashtag for the week. You want to know what it is? Yeah. MaxfunDrive. One last time before we let you go, we want to ask you to go to maxfunfun.org. And pledge at one of those levels.

If you're a returning donor up it just a little bit and it would mean the world to us. And you'll get shit if you do that. You also get the shit. This is a network that is sort of unprecedented. People say you can't make money with podcasts and you can't support podcasts. We are trying to prove people wrong every year by putting out really great content that only exists because you want it to. It only exists because you like it and you pay to keep it on the air

and on the metaphorical era, as it were. And that is personally really... It means a lot. It's also like what I love so much about this sort of community. So, Justin, our other job is in the video game community, which at times some of the worst elements of that community can come out and make things sort of terrible. It's obviously not all bad, but there's a pretty large contingent of negative people in that. And I think that's not just strictly video games.

I think that's like internet-wide. Like Twitter has just been bumming me out on the reg lately of just a lot of negative nellies. And maximum fun, not only is our entire community 100% of the time, basically positive and rad and always having great conversations on Twitter and in the forums and being just super cool to each other. I think the shows themselves represent sort of a non-ironic, like well-intentioned form of entertainment that I think is super, super rare. Yes, we have some fun at Adam Sandler's expense.

And yes, occasionally we turn our... I guess you would call it spite on to people like jugglers or French Stewart. But for the most part, I think... Or French jugglers. Or French Stewart when he's juggling. I think for the most part, we're pretty positive and pretty just happy people. And I think that the shows on the network sort of reflect that. And that's what I think is so rare.

It's like we're not just outwardly being shitty to everyone and hoping that funny stuff happens sometimes. I feel like the sort of the max fun motto is one of positivity. And what is that motto? Um... Get your goose here! So if you can, it really... Don't wait for somebody else to do it.

Join the family. We're staying here with you at the house. No, just before the episode ends. Pretend we're your preacher. We're standing up waiting for you. I think... I just feel in my heart the Lord is telling me that there's somebody else out there. Can I get my guitar and play like three chords?

Like just over and over again? Over and over again. Let me grab it real quick. Okay. I know right now, you know, this has been an amazing week, you know? You've had so much fun with all your friends here on the Maximum Fun Network and it's meant a lot to you. But you know what?

All that growth, all those things you learn, they're not going to be nothing if you do not come away from this experience with some sort of commitment. I just feel in my heart right now. I have a burden that someone out there needs to get right. They need to get right with the Maximum Fun Network. You need to just ration your wallet. What were you going to spend that money on? Some secular movie?

ClickTube. ClickTube. The clickening? The clickening? I'm scared. Listen. Scary world out there. I know.

I know. It's not like the world you grew up in. But right now, you've got a chance to change that world. Don't look to your left. Look to your right. Just close your eyes. Everybody close your eyes. Everybody close your eyes.

Just bow your head and close your eyes. Just raise one hand. I just want to know. Everybody close your eyes. If you need to get right with Maximum Fun Network right now, no one's looking. It's just you may raise your hand right now. Good.

All right. So take that hand. Put it on a keyboard. And then put your other hand also on that keyboard and type in maximumfun.org for a slash donate. And then you're going to get right. And then witness to a friend. Witness to a friend.

Gail your friends into accepting Max Fun into their hearts. Uh, you can, you can do this and we're here for you. Do me a favor too. If you do donate to maximumfun.org. Can I stop playing guitar because it feels. Yes. Yeah, please. If you do donate to maximumfun.org or you up your donation,

please let us know on Twitter at mbmbam or at Justin McRoy, Travis McRoy, Griffin McRoy, whatever. Let us know so we can thank you. We are. I like to thank as many people as I humanly can that let me know about their donation. And because it really, it from me to you, Justin McRoy to you listening at home, John, Beth.

You're just making some general names. Lindsay, just some general, but it's somebody's got to connect one of these. Trauma. Crank. Crank. Crade. Scam. Dennis Quaid.

Raven. Raven. Raven. Simone. Scalia. Zacharias. Go to maximumfun.org for a touch donate. Thank you so much.

Thank you for bearing with us. We don't like having to ask for money, but the fact is, nobody just mails us checks directly, so we have to do it like this. And thank you for being here with us. You know, all the usual stuff, Twitter, Facebook, subscribe. Also, we love you. Well, we love you.

That's the important thing. I love the Long Winters Putting the Days to Bed, which is the album where you can find our theme song It's a Departure, just a truly, truly fantastic album. So is there other albums, like when I pretend to fall, the Ultimatum EP? The fantastic one. So make sure that you get those and support them like they've supported us over the years with their tunes.

Okay. We got one more question from Griffin. We do. This final Yahoo question was sent in by Drew Davenport, Emerald Member. Thank you, Drew. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Gianna, who asks, Can you eat Subway when you have a stomach virus? Just a McRoy.

I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad at school. Air on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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