My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 195: Bod God

Episode Date: April 7, 2014

We know you're probably plum tuckered after the harrowing events of last night's Wrestlemania, which we can all agree was some full-blown BS. As you lick your Brock Lesnar-borne wounds (gross, don't do that), come relax to the chill vibes of our advisings. Suggested talking points: Efficient Void, Peter and the B.O., House of Carby's, Doorholders, Joel Jams, Tween Arms Race, Bad Dino, Self-Satisfaction

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello and welcome, my brother. My brother means advice show for the modern era. I am your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your minimalist brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet, innocent, virginal baby, Griffin McElroy. Griffin, it sounds like you've been having kind of a rough morning in our pre-show.

I don't really want to talk about it. No, no, say it. What's wrong? What's wrong? I just want to see what's wrong. I just want to check on you. It's concern. This is the sound of concern. This isn't for the show. Now, we'll cut this out. We'll definitely cut this out. As long as you're speaking in confidence, I mean, I do edit the show, so I do have final agency, I guess, over the content of the show. But if you boys must know, I'm feeling a little bit of the old nip of the gypsy hooch. Your substance abuse is tearing our show apart. It's not substantive. Here's my problem. Here's my problem. You're seeing a pattern

develop really. It's just two Saturday recordings in a row. It is Sunday. Not a great Sunday. Not super good, Griffin. Two Sunday recordings in a row where it was two birthday parties, day after birthday parties. My problem is when I get in a birthday party atmosphere. You eat all the cake. You're kidding. But once I have three or four Bud Light Limes in me, it's like, cake patrol. I have a quote for you, Griffin. Seems like there's a birthday party every weekend. Jimi Hendrix. Motherfucker love cake. Think about it. That's my problem. I eat and I eat. I eat because I don't have that part of my brain. It's like,

you already had a dinner. You don't need to have a second dinner. I don't think. Anyway, I'm glad this isn't going in the show because I don't want that to be like my character hook guy who wakes up hungover with terrible diarrhea. It's not terrible. It's not terrible. It's not great. Quantify your diarrhea. It's not ideal. Welcome to our new podcast, Quantify Your Diarrhea. Not ideal. Not the ideal diarrhea. Not the utopian ideal. It's not a tasteful amount. Conceptually, I don't want to get blue right at the top, but conceptually, I don't have anything wrong with the idea of diarrhea. In fact, when painted in the right light, I think it could be seen as a very efficient way to to void your bowels. All right, we're done here. I am a short

lady. I'm just saying I'm a busy, busy man. And so it'd be nice to just be able to hit the power button, spend time, more time with the kids, less time in the facilities. I'm a short lady about five feet tall. I photograph a lot of conventions. I'm about to start working at a comic slash gaming convention. My nose is at armpit level always. What is your advice for dealing with the gross, gross assault on my senses that result of very poor hygiene on behalf of thousands of wonderful smelly nerds? That's from Gmail. This is a thing. If you don't, if you've never been a part of this atmosphere, it is, it is a thing. Oh man, there, but for the grace of like 10 inches go I, because like if I had to be down, down at that

area, particular zone, that particular strato layer, god damn though, I have found interestingly enough that individual people at these things don't smell bad. I think there's some sort of miasma. It's a miasma. That's exactly right, Trav. There are certain notes from everyone's palette that are. And as the orchestra of stink comes together, it forms Peter in the wall. There's an you just hear the piccolo. This person over here has a timpani. This person over here hasn't ever worn deodorant in their whole life. Wash your fucking armpits. They smell bad. So, so bad. So very bad. I didn't know there were lyrics. So I guess the word I learned something on today's. I feel like it's, it's, it's, it's not everybody at these conventions. Like I don't

want it. I don't want to paint with a broad brush. Just say like everybody who goes to shows stinks because like I go to these shows. Let me say this though. It's not everybody, but it's also not always somebody else. It might be you. Interesting. Not you Griffin. I mean, like the you. If you smell around the poker table and you don't smell the bad smell, you are the bad smell. You are this bad smell. You run into bad smells all day. You are the bad smell. If you keep finding yourself wondering, what is that and you're alone? It's you. It's you. Here's the thing. I don't think anybody should be personally offended by this question. I can understand all these guys. These guys are just being so mean about their, listen, if you don't smell bad, we got no beef.

You're great. If you do smell bad, get your stink right. Get your stink right. I mean, I get it like a convention. You're on your feet all day running around. It's close quarters. Sometimes it gets hot up in that piece, depending on what piece you're in. Oh God. On the show floor of those things. The worst. That would be my first, like we're offering practical advice. I know like, for example, if you're doing Pax East, there's a sky bridge where you gotta avoid those bottlenecks at all costs. Oh yeah. Avoid the bottlenecks. Get on the sky bridge and take shots of the show floor from there. They're going to look very dramatic. If you get a zoom lens, you'll never have to go down there.

It is not an atmosphere that is conducive to good smelling. I think fucking herbal essences could have a convention at the LA Convention Center and you would still get down there and be like, what fucking stinks so much? Who is doing that with their body? Herbal essences is still a company that's around, right? Far as I know yet. Yeah. I don't know that, I guess you could wear one of those SARS masks. Could you wear an oversized like novelty clothespin on your nose? And carry around a printed out like speech bubble on a stick that just says P you. Yeah. And maybe like some stink line stickers that you could stick on people's smelling.

And maybe you carry around a big jar of flies and you throw that on a person. It's really stinking. They probably don't have any control over it. Maybe you could walk around with like one of those giant like, remember how Rick the model Martel had a big, had his own cologne called arrogance that he would spray on people? Maybe you could do that. That sucks. That's a bad look. I don't think it's a bad look as much as it is a look you could try and see if it fits you. Rick the model Martel classic. Just spray people down. Get a six pack of bod. So wear them across your chest like a bandolier and then just like

fast draw a bod because what's great about bod is it came in repurposed Windex bottles. And that nozzle, you can twist it and get a really long spray going on that. You can go with a cone of spray or you can go with a straight shot. De-stanked. No scope. No scope. De-stanked bod shot. Hold on. I just had a great idea. You want to do some bod shots? Yes. Convention organizers have a complimentary Febreze booth. How about a mandatory? A mandatory Febreze booth. You have to. As they're walking in, you do like a security check and then a Febreze check

and then they get to enter the convention. You can only enter the convention center through the Febreze way. It's like you have those misters like amusement parks where it gets real hot and the kids play in it. You just have that but it's Febreze and bod. On the twist, take this, put this on the twist and decide that you enjoy or can find pleasurable the smell of body odor. Like a connoisseur. Maybe you remind yourself like this is human. This is the real shit. This is what humanity is supposed to smell like. This is what we smell like for age. Get out of your ivory tower and come smell these bits.

This is what we smell like when we built the ivory tower initially and the tower of babble and shit. This is what Jesus smelled like. Probably. Basically. Homeboy didn't have bod. No. He probably has. Though I would watch that commercial. He's probably like, hey dad, can you invent bod super early just so I can just sort of purge the scents a little bit? Have you smelled these 12 dudes? It's just me and 12 dudes rolling around the desert. We smell like dookie. We smell like total dookie, dad. How about some bod? How about some bod, God? God. God. Bod me. Bod me, God.

God. I'm Boston Jesus. Boston Jay. Yo, it's your boy Boston Jay. How about some bod, God? Dad. Damn. Scholars can't prove that Jesus was not from Boston. In fact, I believe the Dead Sea Scrolls, which had been ruled apocryphal and non-canonical, there's some pretty damning evidence in there. It says here, Jesus spake, yo Judas, I'm wicked disappointed in you. Wicked disappointed, brah. I'm gonna turn this water into chowder. No ma. Y'all want a yahoo? Yeah, please. How about a yahoo? Sorry Jesus. Sorry Jesus. This yahoo was sent in by our close friend,

Evan Minsker. Thanks Evan. Getting married real soon. Very exciting time. Everything's coming up, Evan. Evan wrote a great piece on Pitchfork, if you haven't read it recently, that is great about Mack DeMarco. Is that that guy's name? I'm old, so I don't really know what anybody's called, but I like the story. He's a great dude. Thank you, Evan. It's by Yahoo Answers, who asks, how do you get rid of an Arby's manager? Recently they moved around some of the managers and the one we got is mean and sloppy. She blames employees for things she did and treats us extremely, meanly bad. I saw two of them about to cry today and she cuts hours. I hate to see my coworker upset and I would do anything to get

her gone within the law preferably. Oh, and she cusses on the job, which is never allowed, especially by management. I'm glad that this person felt the need to specify within the law preferably. Perfectly. Yeah, perfectly. I would prefer not to murder this lady. But I understand if that's my only recourse. Listen, if I had my druthers, I would not murder this woman. I think you are perfectly positioned right now for a broad conspiracy that will position not only the downfall of this manager, but you to rise up and take their place. You're jilted. That job should have been yours. So you need to start machinations, moving pieces around the board, lining up opponents, preparing them for a catastrophe to befall them a political

catastrophe, if you will, in the Arby's politics and preparing yourself to be the new district manager. That's right, gentlemen. I am suggesting the House of Carbis. It is very hard to make a house out of thinly sliced beefs. Let me throw this out. Let me throw this out as like a move, as one of your moves. You have the district management come down because you suspect something shady. You pop open a trunk and what's that? You've planted a bunch of raw beef in her trunk that she's been stealing. Beef thief. The classic beef. The classic beef thief gambit. And then maybe you have a sexy affair with an attractive aspiring journalist. Maybe. How does that help? How does it hurt? How does it hurt? Fair enough.

She's going to think she's using you to get Arby's connections, but really you're using her for Arby's leverage. And when you are, listen, in the game of Arby's, you win or you die. Or you eat curly fries. Are you eat curly fries? Well, you're going to do that either way. Okay, so you will die if you do. You win and eat curly fries or eat curly fries and then die. Right. Well, you couldn't die and then eat curly fries, Griffin. That's fucking ridiculous. That's a good point. How would you chew your dad unless we're looking at like a weekend at Bernie's too situation? I'm saying that curly fries possess an ambrosial quantity that can restore life to the dead. Well, that's science. They're that fucking good.

I'm mixing my game of thrones in my house of cards metaphor. They're basically the same show. Put a give Kevin Spacey a sword and a beard and it's basically, it's basically game of thrones. It's going to be a tough. Could you trick her into saying she quits? Because once she says it, that's like she's locked into it. So you just need to get her to be like, what would you say instead of like, I hire her to be like, I quit. Bam. Bam. Got it. The golden contract appears from a levitating ink dip quill science. Maybe you could get her to admit that she doesn't really like Arby's food. Oh, my God. Like you go to like, this is good, but wouldn't you rather be like eating a porterhouse steak or like corn chowder? Do you think this is better?

She's not gonna love that. She's gonna be like, take that filet mignon and then slice it really thin and put it on some shitty bread and maybe we'll talk like, God damn it. If you can, though, what if RJ Arby's is like hiding around the corner and he comes out and he's like, I knew it, Susan. I trusted you. I, you betrayed me, Susan. And you broke my heart. You broke my heart, Susan. I hear the one, Susan. I was going to call it Susan's. I swear to God. The next burger was going to be called the big Susan. We've never had burgers. I was going to start making burgers, apparently. For you. For you, Susan. Because I knew you loved him, Susan. I was going to make putting your employee review that you thought we could start making burgers. And I said,

for you or anything, I was going to make you the forbidden sandwich. I was going to roast beef on top, roast beef on bottom and bread in the middle. I was going to do that for you, Susan. You broke my heart, Susan. You're the whole reason I made the potato wedges in the first place. And that was the day that was the day RJ Arby shut down all the Arby's. No one goes in. No one goes out. But somehow you can still buy the sandwiches. Someone's still making sandwiches. The smell is impossible. Do you think RJ Arby's lives in fear of the moment that Subway figures out like, what if we just made our roast? Oh, thin beef. Got it. Oh, thin beef. Okay. Yeah, we did that. Oops. Arby's is gone. That easy. Arby's used to have a sandwich

that was a croissant sandwich with roast beef on it. Oh, boy. And they haven't had it for probably 25 years. And I think about it three times a day. If you're one, if you're looking for some insight into like Justin McElroy, the man, like that's why I'm at where I'm at. That's what I'm usually thinking about. Justin either thinks about the forbidden Arby's sandwich or how good taste stations were. That's basically. Taste stations were good, Griffin. It's funny you say that because they were delicious. Also, my favorite cereal ever was Crunch Berries. Those Papa Smurf Berries. Oops, all Berries? No. Papa Smurf Berries, it tastes completely different. They're the best cereal ever and they were only around for like a day. And much like Brigadoon. I have

spent the 25 years since their release and discontinuation searching for a cereal that has the same flavor as that. Hoping with every bowl will be the bowl. The bowl too. To be the bowl. Home. To be the bowl. Back to. Man, Rachel and I finished that. We watched the series finale. That is a rough ending on that. That is a tough. No spoilers. Tough cookie. It resolves his entire shit with like a single line of text at the end like, oh, and this is how he turned out. Thanks, Quantum Leap. Could he use with maybe a bit more expo? If they thought they were going to get another season. If they thought that they had another season in them because it's weird. Doesn't it end with like a sabbatical basically? Like he's just going to chill on the leaping?

I mean, it hints at that. You know what it needs. And we're talking on the wrong podcast about this. How fucking good would a telltale adventure game of Quantum Leap be? I'm serious. That would be amazing. It'd be absolutely phenomenal. I would buy a game system just to play that. Right. I don't know if that dude, those dudes are listening, but it's call me. I will write the entire thing. I have fan fiction. That is not a joke. Ready to go. Anyway, I got another question for you guys. What's the appropriate time or distance one should hold the door open for the next person behind them? I don't want to slam the door in the person behind me, but I also don't want to stand there staring at them for a full minute. Is it different from men and women? That's from Desmond.

I tend to hold that. See, I don't I don't really subscribe to the gender side of this. I tend to hold the door open for for everybody as do like everybody in Huntington. Like it is it is or at least in the in the area that I live. There are probably many areas where that is the case, especially in the South. My delineation on distance is is age based, not gender based. I agree. If it's an old person, I'll hold it open so much longer. Keep it keep it open for like a full country mile. Yeah, absolutely. I think a big part of this too is and this is something that I've kind of learned the hard way is if you're going to push on through, if you're going to go through and not hold the door, it's essential that you not have made eye contact. What you

have to have plausible deniability. The person behind you, if you look at them and they see you and you see them, then you know they're coming. And at that point, if you don't hold the door open for them, then it's on you. If it is a double action door that swings both in and out and you let go of it and it's like 50% chance is going to swing back and smack that person in the face. And if it does, there's a 10% chance they'll die. Yeah. So just think about that hot shot. Think about that murderer. It's hard when there's a huge group of people. I think that you don't want to fall into that trap. You've got to be careful about that because if there's like 50 people exiting a place, that could be your whole day. I remember getting pinned down when

church let out when we were little and I pulled the door open and it's just like suddenly just a line of people are like, I just want it. Can I go? Guess what? They're all 99 years old too. You can't like get it yourself. Can't. You know, my favorite door holding experience is when, you know, those airlock kind of doors where there's like two sets of doors. And so one person holds the door open for you and then you hold the door open for them. It always makes you feel like we're about to start like a Fred Astaire-esque kind of dance routine like door holding. Or if there's like 199 year olds and they're all coming towards the doors and that you're the only person with door holding capacity and so you have to like

cliffhanger sandwich yourself between these two doors in a way that you can keep them both open at the same time. Like you take your fucking shoes off and like tuck them under the doors. Like no, it's cool. I didn't need those anyway. You guys are going to take like five years to get through both of these doors. So I'm just going to leave those shoes there. They're the church's shoes now. You know, one thing I've is interesting I've discovered with that my wife Sidney does not, and it took me a long time to get this. She does not like me to hold the door open for her. She wants me to, I don't know what biological impulse is driving this, but she wants me to go in first. She wants, I don't know if she's expecting-

And like scat around and you come back and tell her it's safe. She wants me to go in first. For what reason? Like I don't know. I need, hello. I'm the envoy to the grand Sidney empire. Presenting the leadership Sidney of McElroy. Does she make you carry around a little tin horn? I'm not saying, I'm not saying shit. You guys are paying for this next Christmas and I'm not fucking, I'm not going to withstand that. Listen, I'm not knocking it. If she can get you to do that, I think that's the dopest shit. We used to actually, we were in college

and we would go through a double door. We would also, we would, there are at least three of us there. We would say, okay, who's the man? And we would pick who would get to be the man. And then the other two would open the door for that guy and that guy would walk in really cool because everybody would be like, who is that guy? Can you tell me what your really cool walk involved, Justin? Yeah, you little green bag in your head. That's essential and kind of like a strut shake shooing. Can you even strut while you're wearing cargo shorts or is that? It's one of a switch to be honest. Who is that guy? Oh, he's the heir to the cargo shorts portion,

clearly. He's the son of the man who invented cargo shorts. He's Jimmy Buffett's son. James Buffett. Did James Buffett involve cargo shorts? I'm pretty sure that would be his like de facto wardrobe, right? I listened to Jimmy Buffett. Don't buy myself. Didn't. And wept. No, I was. Sometimes you need a little bit of that beachy vibe. So there's Radio Margaritaville on the Sirius XM. Now, normally when I need like an emotional lift, I'll turn to 40s on four, but 40s on four has been replaced by an all fucking Billy Joel station. That's like not getting it for me.

Is it so called 40s on four? It's called Piano Mandate. No, now it's called Billy Joel Jans. Joel Jans of Billy Joel Joint. And so I'm listening to Margaritaville. I listened to the entirety of the song off to see the lizard while driving by myself at 8 30 at night to pick up a pizza bread from Gino's. Oh my God. And I needed that beachy vibe right then. James is there for you with that. Jimmy's got your back on that front. If you need to like just escape the incredible sadness of the act you are participating in. Does the Billy Joel radio station come with an in-car breathalyzer that you have to blow into? But it'll only play if you are drunk driving.

You have to blow. Come on, my man. Let Billy Joel handle this for you. Billy Joel has become kind of an expert at what you're doing. Come on. Billy's got it. I can talk you down. I'm talking down. This place sings from an Italian restaurant. Get one turned left up here. I am the father of five girls, the oldest, which is 13 and begun to take an interest in boys. As such, I'm left in the position that fathers have been left in for the last 23.6 years. How does one balance the instinctual desire to crush these little hormone filled balls of lust and desire to be a cool dad? Gold night tournaments, playing a game, a little catcheroo, working on a car together, or should I just accept the natural order of things and hunt this little

bugger down? Terminator style. That's from hormonally hijacked California. Man, I do not envy your position. Yeah, dude. I have got what, I mean, I've got a daughter on the way and the best plan I've been able to cook up is to raise her to be sort of like just a sexless locust. That loves science and loves research and loves supporting her parents with money and just cannot in any way, shape, or form have romantic love. Would that be a failure as a parent? She doesn't understand romantic love or she doesn't desire it. In the way that color blind person cannot tell the difference between red and green, she cannot distinguish love from other emotions just does not have the receptors for you. Angry at me? Why are you moving your face towards

my face? I don't understand this. I feel like I lean towards the natural order of things argument here because I feel like, I don't know, I feel like it's a position that like natural selection. It must be that we behave that way for it is the way to continue it. You have to be the dad who's like, now you be respectful my daughter, honey, I don't want you dating till you're out of the house because otherwise you're like, I don't fucking care, whatever. I don't understand. Dudes are the worst and little dudes don't even have that like they don't even realize they're the worst yet and so they will just like wedge their dick between a mattress and box spring and like not understand why they're doing that. I don't understand why they're doing that.

Because it's just any crevice with surrounding pressure. They're like, I'm going to get, I'm going to just put my dick right in there. Let me throw this out. That's what he's up against. So he's up against like basically feral little giz slugs. I've called them that before and that's what they are. But here, so here's my advice rather than trying to combat these awful, awful human beings that are 13 year old boys, you need to like train and raise your daughter to be so incredibly self-sufficient and wise and smart that she sees their bullshit coming a mile away. Raise a powerful woman who's a fat fool of herself and who bullshit. They're the fucking,

I'm telling you. Well, that's the arms race that is hormonal 13 year olds. But I'm saying right now we need to create like a stronger bulletproof vest, if you will. So then they'll come up with, you know, their armor piercing rounds or whatever. Travis, future dad Justin is on board with you. 13 year old Justin would like to just heartily thank you for making girls more complicated. Cause like I was nailing it constantly. So I'm really glad. What I really need was an increase in the difficulty curve there Travis. So I thank you for that. But I don't think, I don't like, I don't think either party in this arrangement knows what the fuck they're doing. No, absolutely not. Right? No. Do you mean the dad and the 13 year old boy or the girl? I'm talking about 13 year

old boys and girls. Like I just don't think there's any, I don't man, I don't know. I didn't like, I didn't like date or whatever until I was like a freshman in high school. I didn't like speak to other human beings. I don't understand. Like there's a pretty rough patch there between I would say 11 and 14 where you are just fucking just going with it, just going with the flow. And then like at 15 is still a little foggy, but you at least understand that it's foggy. I don't, I just, I don't think like dating at 13 is like, that's crazy town to me. I mean, it's snowboarding at 110. It's like, that's not an appropriate age to do that. I can't imagine any like any judgment I'm going to pass here that's not going to come back to bite me on

the ass. Like all I can say is, and this is a, a, a guess, a hypothesis is that the reason this is stressful for you is that it is sort of the beginning of the end of your like training period for this human you've created and the beginning of the process of them, you know, leaving that training period to become their own person. And I think it's scary right now because you've been in sort of a dry tech period for them as a human where they don't have as many things that they really have to deal with that you can't help them with. And this is the start where they're going to be tested on the training that you've provided them up until this point. And I think you just, the fact that you're like super concerned and on point, you're

already ahead of the game like in the, in the grand scheme of things. I think you need to have faith that you have raised a quality human who's going to be able to deal with this. But like this first test that they do out the gate is the fucking Gom Jabbar of humanity. Like this is the fucking worst. But let me throw this out. Here's, here's, here's the real issue here. If I may, it's not the question you asked, but it's what I'm going to answer about being like that dad, arms crossed. I don't want you to do it. But my only fear with that would be that you're creating an environment in which your daughter would be afraid to come to you and ask for advice and ask questions and speak to you in an honest, open way because you're this grumbly angry about the fact that she likes boys kind

of thing. That's not a bad point, Travis. Yeah. Whereas what you really need to be is the guy who's open and is willing to talk to her about things and not just shut down like, well, you shouldn't even be dating. You should create an environment in which she is, feels safe and comfortable talking to you because you are still the best source of advice and information she's got. If someone knows that they have, yeah, right. If someone knows that they have your love and your trust, that's always going to be more powerful than knowing that they're risking your judgment because otherwise they're just going to see how much they can get away with. The other one, it's like, it's the next best thing to be in there. Yeah. Or you could do like we did and take them to church camp

because that worked pretty good for me for a good long walk. I mean, there was a lot of, obviously we weren't party to this, but there was a lot of fingering going on at church camp. There was like, there was like a lot of fingering going on at church camp. To hear the rumors, there were a dry shorts at the house. Let's put it that way. There was a lot of it going on. I didn't see it. Listen, I didn't see it. I didn't see shit. I obviously didn't take part in it. Put my finger where? Excuse me. But you know that shit was going on. Pool's closed. What are you doing? What are you doing here at the pool? It's closed. Oh, fingering. Okay, cool. Bye.

Got an issue for you. Get fit. Killing Arby's manager. Killing Arby's manager just been watching. What? No. This podcast was self-destruct because we don't want to be implicated. Here's your mission. Get fit by summer. What's the problem? That vending machine at work? I know you love it. What's your guys like vending machine thing? Because I have, sometimes I'll just get dirty with like a honey bun, something like that. You don't have us a vending machine, but god fucking, they had those, like the Nutty Buddies, like the wafer chocolate peanut butter deals. Oh, man. I used to cram a honey bun and I'd be like, it's a breakfast. It's not a breakfast. It is a little Debbie, my man. Here's what I'm saying to you. You can get those cravings satisfied, but not feel

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there's different options, different prices, different sizes. That's a cool dad look. Hey, what's up? You're dating my teenage daughter. Cool, cool, cool. Try these plantain chips. Here's the best part. We're going to be able to get you a hundred percent off your first box, not even a problem, not even a thing. You go to naturebox.com forward slash my brother, naturebox.com slash my brother. And you could start snacking smarter and get fit. Stay full, stay strong. Go to naturebox.com slash my brother. That's naturebox.com slash my brother. You guys, I saw you the other day through your windows in the two different states you live and watching Hulu on your computer. Sounds right. Saw you do some other shit on the

computer too. I'm very disappointed in. That was research. Yeah, it was research, sure. For a book I'm writing. About, about butts. About butts. But through the ages. If you like that Hulu, let me tell you about Hulu Plus because it's better than regular Hulu. With Hulu Plus, you can watch current season episodes of your favorite shows like Family Guy, Parks and Recreation. Both in one. Both in one, two shows in one. And the Tonight Show with new host, Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon. James Fallon. And you can watch every. James Fallon. James Fallon. You can also watch every episode of like archived episodes of shows like Community and South Park. And you can, you can watch that on all kinds of different devices, tablets, computer,

smart TV, your Roku. I mean six in Japanese, but you guys didn't know that. I've been trying to get people on the Hannibal and you could watch this whole season. It's a great show. I was telling Travis Scott before he started. You can go to Hulu Plus.com. You can go to Hulu Plus. Get, watch the whole season. This has been going on catch all the way up. You also get originals that you can't get access to anywhere else. There's a new show, Deadbeat. It's a comedy about a pot-spoken guy who talks to ghosts. So there might be some legal ramifications there. I'll be there. We'll have to talk to them about that. How can I get this? I want it, I want it for free, Griffin. I want it for free. Um, well, bad news. You can't just kidding. You totally can. Did you

like my joke? Because for the first two, we can get you two weeks free here at my Bim Bim Co. All you got to do is go to HuluPlus.com slash my brother. All one word. And we'll get you two weeks full access of all that programming. And after that, it's only 799 a month. Theresa and I got rid of cable and now we just watch the stuff on Hulu. We wait a day. Yeah, 799. It's such a good have not had cable since Jesus. God, I honestly can't remember 08 Jesus. Yeah. Since Boston Jesus, walk the face of the earth. What are you watching? Project Runway, huh? It could be out extolled by name or whatever. That's fine. Yeah, it's fine. It's a good show. Love that Tim Gunn. HuluPlus.com slash my brother is where you can go to do that

and watch it and get it. Because yeah. This next message is for Adam Ford. You know it's funny about HuluPlus. They have been advertising with us for months. So I know that they're continuing to see a return on that directly because we have a special URL. It's hot catchphrases like, so yeah. So, but here's the thing. There are people the 12th time we tell them to get HuluPlus. They're like, fine. You'll warm me down. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Maybe this is your time to finally commit your life to HuluPlus. Anyway, we got some personal messages too. This message is for Adam Ford and it's from Chelsea Kerr. Hey girl, happy birthday. It's your 27th rotation around the sun and providing I sent this in on time for your special day. Probably not. Let's say yep.

I'll say belated happy birthday as well. I love you as much as you should love a horse. Love Chelsea. P.S. You are a butt. Now that last part isn't from Chelsea. That's just for me. Travis put it you on blast. Hey Adam, you're a fucking butt. You're a butt, sir. Look at yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror. You're a butt in clothes. This level of love that you described does not exist. This interhuman love that you described. I mean, it's admirable and I'm sure that you do love this guy a lot. But as much as you love a horse. It's a great thing to aspire to. Try to keep. Yeah, sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. I hung out with a horse yesterday. His name was Pop Tart. Oh wow. Hang out with a horse and went out to a ranch. There's a horse

and two donks. Pretty much the best Saturday anyone's ever had. That's so weird because horse and two donks is what I call my bits. Travis got driven. Sorry to get blue, everybody. I'm sorry. Teresa asked me the other day, she said, you guys talk about horses a lot on your podcast. Has any of you ever actually wanted to own a horse? I would own Pop Tart. Pop Tart is like real chill. Kind of an older horse, which is not ideal for, you know, prancing. But just like hung its head over the fence and just like let me pet on it. And it was so soft. I almost went and gave him a little kiss and I was like, I'm at a party. I'm at a party. I said my horse, I shouldn't, should get Pop Tart a sweet kiss on the nose. But I almost, I started to lean in like, oh here he

comes. But then I was like, the owner might be watching and that's not a good look. I almost gave this horse a sweet kiss. Oh, Victoria? Did you, uh, the one with the glasses out there? Did you invite the horse kisser? Did he just kiss Pop Tart out of the mouth? It was one of Rachel's co-workers too. So like the, I don't know, the ramifications for her in the workplace environment would be everlasting, if you like. Yeah, your husband was really great. He did kiss Pop Tart. Pop Tart's still talking about him though. Pop Tart's hit with Pop Tart. You married him, huh? He married that guy, huh? Isn't it? Oh, horse smoocher, huh? David Early got a message for you from Gabe and Josh. And this is how they started it.

David Early. You thought this would be from your friends, Josh and Gabe, but it's me, Dio. Okay, I'll do my Dio voice. Happy birthday. You're a gentleman, a scholar and a worthy opponent, but your attempts to hide your warrior cat in BMB and fanfics were useless. You've been defeated, but remember this as your best birthday ever for what was given by me, Dio. And I said birthday wish ever, but I do think that Dio does grant people birthdays. I don't think it's your birthday unless Dio clears it. Unless Dio stops by. He's very, very busy. Just kidding. He's super not, probably. Isn't he dead? He's fundamentally dead. It's not funny that he died, but it's funny I didn't know.

I guess. I guess, kind of. I guess, basically. So happy birthday, David Early, from me Dio. I'm Jesse Thorne. Bullseye is all about discovering the good stuff in culture that will do nothing less than change your life. You know, I'd never heard anything like it before. It'd be like seeing a new color, which I guess is music's like biggest asset is that you can hear new sounds. I'll probably never see a new color. I'll probably never experience like a new crazy taste, but I'll hear new sounds constantly. Culture picks, comedy and in-depth interviews. It's the good stuff and just the good stuff in popular culture every week on Bullseye. Subscribe to iTunes or find it online at MaximumFun.org.

Do you want any Yahoo? Yes. We did Arby's manager as a club banger. I just want to send him by Instant Classic. I just want to send him by Amelie Belcher. Thank you, Amelie. Justin, please don't. It's by Yahoo Answers user Taylor, who asks, how many? No. Who asks, sneaking bong into music fest? I'm going to a music festival called Wakarusa. I would like to bring my bong, but I hear they check you, like search your bag if you have one. Can anyone tell me how to get by with a glass bong or give any tips? Thanks, everybody. And that's signed from everyone going to that contest. Yeah, don't waste my time or yours telling me just don't bring it. Not even an option, my man. Not even an option. Can you throw the bong

over the checkpoint, make it through, and then catch the bong? Frankly, you're embarrassing yourself by even suggesting that I don't bring it. I don't bring it. This bong goes where I go, my friend. It is my Winnie the Pooh of bongs. I will say if you go to the right, if you go to the correct music festival, the people at the checkpoint, I saw this at Bonnaroo all three years that I went, they will just pull the bong out of your backpack and then put it right back. They will pull the bong out to make way for the rest of their search, and they will say, okay, now here's your bong back. Enjoy your day. Aren't they checking? Sorry, I had to move your bong to check out your granola and shit. Aren't they checking bags to ensure that you have a

bong? They booked shitty bans. Listen, these bans aren't, are you really sure about doing this sober? I'm not sure you're going to really get the full effect. Do you know who's one of the three head liners at Bonnaroo this year? It's like the first year since Goblin's last time I went to 2009 that I actually thought about picking up some ticks. Lionel Richie's in the mix. Whoa! Yeah. How do they pick these things? How do they? A fucking the smartest wizard ever picks them. It says, what would Griffin be into? I do love the mix at Bonnaroo because it's always like, we've got the flaming lips, the black keys, and James Taylor. Guys, if Lionel Richie and the flaming lips did a dual performance together, that would probably be like a really good band, don't you

think? Yes. I mean, that sounds like something they do. Like, I saw flaming lips do all white striped shit. When Jack White broke his hand or whatever. Man, that was tight. Anyway, I think I'm probably the only person who's been through a music festival drug checkpoint. Don Lest Justin and Travis. I went to Sharon Lewis and Bram and they were pretty strict about that shit. You got chewable Tylenol? What is this shit? Are you going to eat all these Flintstone vitamins? You sick fuck. This is all Dino. What the fuck? I have never, Dino is what you, yeah, Dino is what gets you fucked up. Announcement, everybody please do not eat the purple barny. It's some bad Dino going. It's some bad Dino. Just stick to the Betty. Actually, there's not a

Betty. Did you guys know that? That's bullshit. Well, largely because the character models for Betty and Wilma are indistinguishable. Oh, interesting. They didn't initially have Betty vitamins. Also, like, I'm going to eat a woman. Okay. I mean, they had Wilma, so, uh, that's not weird. Betty's in the mix now, but like she wasn't. A lot of, a lot of, of Vore fetishists were born out of those, out of those bites. It was about Vore. I learned about Vore while I was looking up Yahoo Answers. Man, it bummed me out. What? I don't know. It is a sexual fetish about, uh, swallowing people. Okay. Like, there's videos that are like, like CGI videos. Like whole? Yeah, like maybe a giant snake, like swallows a man and someone is jerking off to that. Yes. Oh no,

I'm aroused. Oh, damn it. A gelatinous cube falls on top of a woman and absorbs her and there's a dude like, yep, that will be, that will be my thing. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Do you guys, you guys think it's weird? Like, I'm going to have a baby soon. Do you think that's weird that that baby will only think of, like, when she hears of Flintstones, like, the only context in which she will understand Flintstones is the people that make both vitamins and pebbles cereal. Like, what an odd, really a cultural touchstone. Yeah, what an odd corporation that's going to seem like to her. What an odd diversification. Well, and also John Goodman's finest acting role, basically ever. Yeah, she will not be watching the Flintstones. A lot of adult ideas in the

Flintstones. That second one, it's all about that. There's like a lady who's trying to like seduce and that's a married man. My dream is that I'm in one of the scenes where Kyle McLaughlin also is and I like, smash through the window swat style. It's like, we're getting out of here. Come on, Kyle. And in the rest of the movie, there's just like shots of empty rooms. We took Kyle away. I've got everybody. I got him all out. It'll be like, but there was like, I couldn't save Tom Arnold is still there. Tom Arnold is still in there. It's like the end of Schindler's List. If I had one more helicopter, I could have rested. I could have got him out of there. No, he's doing okay. I've never under, was that, wasn't that Moranus? It was, it was

Rick Moranus. They're interchangeable. And then after that, he retired from acting. Yeah. I have never understood bringing a bong anywhere because it's not like, it is certainly not the most convenient means to imbibe that stuff. I just, am I missing something? Is there something about the allure of a bong that like I just- You are certainly asking the right two people. All right. Did you ever know somebody with a bong that had a name? Yeah. I actually knew someone with a famous bong that it was featured on the cover of High Times. What was, what was so famous about it? It was- A picture of Jesus grew from the resin. No, that, that, that particular bong, that very one was featured on the cover of High Times. And

that's why it was famous. Oh, so the bong itself, it was a bong model that was very famous. No, the bong, the one that he held in his hand was the one from the- Did he blow it? Did he like create it himself? I mean, if there's no such thing as a bong, everyone is created from like glass. Why are you getting hung up on the worst details of the story when we still don't know the name or distinguishing characteristics of this bong? The distinguishing characteristic is the bong where it was about three feet long and it had these two tree frogs on it that were like climbing up the sides of the bong. Sure. It was mostly primarily blue in clear glass and it was named Token Choke. Token Choke. Why are there frogs? I don't know, but the

frogs were named Toke and Choke. They were the two frogs. How many feet, how often did you have to feed them? Feed the frogs? Um, they ate the resin. What was the heaviest rip you ever got on it? We've discussed drugs before, so this is a new tea or tea. One time I took a hit off Token Choke and then felt as though all my organs were shifting around my body. I had to go into the other room and lay down on my friend's weight bench and just take a quiet minute to let all my organs settle. Yeah, that'll happen, man. Get the old meat tornado in there. I'm a college student living in an apartment and my neighbor's noisiness keeps me up at night. Almost every night around 1130 all here are satisfied. Oh, God. Down through our shared wall. Now you're going to be up every

night. This goes on for 15 to 30 minutes or so and then stops. I've never heard anything else besides my neighbor's deep groans of satisfaction. I can only assume that he's jerking it. It's not exactly loud, but knowing that a dude is going to town on his hog, mere feet from me, makes falling asleep difficult. Other than these pleasure moans, I never hear from the guy. He doesn't call, he doesn't write. I have only seen him once or twice in the last few months. How do I deal with these loud jerk off noises? That's from extremely restrained in rally. Rally? Rally in North Carolina? Rally. From rallies in North Carolina. From insider rallies. Oh, Jesus. How do you, okay, a lot. When you hear it, you just have to loudly say,

nice dude. Nice jerk sesh, dude. You are getting it, son. You crashed it. Did it again. Too fruition, bro. Dude, too fast. You got to peek it back off. I have been at Home Depot a lot lately because I own a house and I have no fucking idea what I'm doing and I was in the drywall section and it struck me how thin them shits is and that I have been in so many situations where I've had roommates who were probably doing this activity and now I know the slightness of the barrier that was in between us. We were just basically jerking off right next. So what you're going to need to do is you're going to need to get yourself some bricks and some mortar and you're going to need to put a new wall into your room that's six

feet away from the wall that already is. You've got to build a new house inside your house. Basically. It's like the little tent that Sweet Hilly Joe Lawsman made in the sixth sense to keep the ghosts out. It'll be like that, but the ghost jerking off. What you basically need is your own personal sweat lodge inside your basement that you go to to ignore the sound of this big room. Instead of a spectral Misha Barton, we're talking about a dude that's probably just jerking off over there. At least he keeps a regular schedule. You can be out of the room at 11.30. If you hit the ceiling with a broom handle, the moment that this happens, is that worth? That might solve your problem, but is it going to be worth the sort of like

eternal heart-wrenching salting of this guy's personal game like forever? Because the moment he hears like the moment you have that exchange, not only will he never masturbate again, he will have to wonder like how many times he might have to come kill you. He might have to legitimately come kill you. Is that worth the risk? I don't want to dive too deep into this person's psychoses, but why is he making sounds jerking off? Why is he like, oh yeah, myself? I am doing awesome. Oh yeah, Steve, who is me? You know how I like it. Steve, keep it up. Yes, me. Oh, I. Yes, good job. Oh, our god. Oh, us. Good, good, good. Me, yay. I did it. I'm doing it. Me, yay. This one's on us. Usually when you do that stuff, it's to like let the other person know like,

keep it up. You don't have to get worried until you hear shouting something that's obviously a safe word. That's the point at which. Banana, banana. I said banana. You have to move. You have to move away. This sucks. You can't alert him to the problem without giving him motive to kill you. Do you have a roommate that you could convince to switch rooms with you? Oh, that's not bad. That's not bad. Hey, the function made my rooms off because the light's coming from the east or whatever and I can hear this guy. No, you don't know. I don't know. I'm just saying like, I think I feel like you are more of a south yellow wall. Why don't you go ahead and just like give my room a shot? Okay, bye. When you love to be there the first

night where he comes knocking. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, Kevin, remember we switched? I would like to switch back. Oh, sorry. No, take these backsies. He's doing what? I don't know. I've never done that before. I've never heard that sound. Must have the ears of a bat. What is jerking off? Jerking off. Yeah, that makes a lot more sense. Thank you so much. Jerking off? He's jerking off. Thank you so much for listening to our comedy podcast. My brother, my brother, and me. Real quick, I have been neglecting to do this forever, so I wanted to say thank you to all the people who sent us candle nights gifts. P.O. Box 54, Huntington, West Virginia, 2506. Wow, a little belated. A little belated, sorry. I've had this sheet of paper here.

Thank you to Veronica for the horse ties. She made us horse ties. What? Cody Garrett sent some fruity yummy mummy. When were you thinking about fucking like forwarding this to my P.O. Box? Ryan sent us three scratch off Illinois lottery tickets. No winners in that, I'm sorry to report. God damn it, Justin. Once for you, once for me, once for Griffin. I understand that there's like a trinity thing happening. How can I figure out how to distribute them until I saw which one's the winner? If only there was another male sister. Yeah, it's weird. It's like, yeah, mine was the only winner. Maybe if you guys hadn't, I mean, our P.O. Box is in Huntington, so maybe we should move. Patrick and Christina

sent us a book called Why Does My Horse? Roger sent us a book of country proverbs. Josh. You're going to finish the name of the book? That's it. That's the name of it. Why does my horse? Why does my horse? Question mark. Josh sent us horseopoly. Oh my God, I haven't played horseopoly, but it's at the lake house we go to every year. It looks like a blast. Got a mammoth book of ghost romance, but I lost the label, so I'm sorry about that. People sent us some shit. That's crazy. Jesus. Yeah, Alex sent us his game nom de nom that he made. Ian and Julie made us some pretzels, some par-brake pretzels that we could. Are they still good? They were gone. They were good.

I can't fucking believe you've been hoarding presents. May I've been hoarding them until you guys come visit, which is FedEx. I'll pay for the FedEx. I'll pay for you to forward that shit for pretzels. You know, listen. Thank you. Also, thanks for the wedding invite to Stephanie and Phillip, who are getting married in Singapore in like two weeks, so thank you. I'll be there. Can't make it, but we sure appreciate you sending that. I can't make it, because here's the problem. I've only had like three minutes to prepare and not the four months that you fucking intended. Uh, should we talk about the live show, because we're doing a fucking lot of them now. Yeah. Okay. So here's the deal. We sort of, we decided to do shows in New York, and when we

decided to do them, we didn't know how many people were going to come out, so we didn't want to get like a massive... We thought 12 tops. At most. Tops. So what happened was we basically sold out two of our shows at the People's Improv Theater pretty much almost instantly. No, they were up for, they were up for like the night. They published them in the afternoon. It was up, and it was sold out in the morning. Then we released more tickets. They went up a little bit earlier than we intended. We didn't, we didn't have any control over that, but the trigger got pulled a little bit early. And so there were people who set calendar alerts and shit for, for the time that they were supposed to go on sale, and they were

sold out long before it got there, which, which we are very sorry for. So here's the insanity. 1.30 on Saturday, May 24th. We are doing yet another show at the People's Improv Theater. You can get tickets this Wednesday at exactly, we've been assured, exactly noon EST. That'll be the ninth. April 9th. April 9th, Wednesday, noon EST. If you don't listen to the show early, we're sorry. We also put it on like our social media and stuff, but that's the deal. Okay. Noon EST this Wednesday. If you already have tickets to one of the two other shows, please, like that's the other thing. We saw a lot of people like do that to come to both shows, and it's great that you guys want to

spend that much time with us. And you're, you're very sweet, but please, like, don't, don't get tickets to this other one because we would like, there are a lot more people who want to come there. If they end up, you know, day of being, tickets left or whatever, then by all means, come to all three. But that will, that probably will not happen, we hope. No, we wouldn't think so, but please don't buy tickets if you already have them. Let them, and that sounds like the most egotistical thing in the world, but like that's, that's the deal. So please still do that. Anyway, you can get, we literally can't add any more shows. No, Justin's doing, so it's Sawbones and my brother, my brother, me. Justin's doing six podcasts in one day. It's fucking insane. I don't

know how it's going to work yet, but we're doing it for you because we love you. Yeah, it's not, there's no other reason other than there are a lot of sad people and we didn't want that. So that's what we're doing. And as far as like hanging out afterwards, I don't know because we were doing six shows, so I don't know when we're going to be, but maybe in between, maybe you can give us like a power bar and like a gay, really no kidding. Yeah, if people want to bring me some like Pepsi Max, that would be like greatly appreciated. If you can find Josta, then we would really appreciate some Josta. Like a cool Pepsi Max, maybe just some fries or something would be great. See, I say that as a joke now, knowing that people will actually deliver, which would be

amazing. The pit-nyc.com is the address, the web address where you can find those. If you look at their calendar section, you'll see where those tickets are going to pop up. You can also follow them on Twitter and I'm sure they'll tweet right as those go available. But anyway, that's what you need to do. Please come and see us. You are great. I also want to thank Naturebox for supporting the show. They've been really dedicated supporters of ours. So go check it out. Get in shape for the summer with really healthy and also really delicious snacks and you can get 50% off your first order if you go to naturebox.com slash my brother. I also want to say thank you to Hulu Plus who once again, this is I think the 27th time we told you to go check it out. So if you

haven't done it yet, you're a dummy. So go check it out now and you can binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere and you get that two-week free trial when you go to huluplus.com slash my brother. I want to thank John Roderick in the Long Winters for these of our theme song, It's a Departure, off the album Putting the Days to Bed. It's a really great album. We got an email from somebody actually I think had a question on this show who said they were hanging out with John Roderick. Talking about how they got into the Long Winters because of us and that's like, that's so crazy to me because I before we did the show, I recommended that band to so many people. So I don't know. It's cool that we have a weird vehicle to do that more because they're

really, really, really good. That's it. I want to hear one more question. Go to maximumfund.org. You can listen to all the other great shows there. They're Jordan just ago. Just John Hodgman, Stop Podcasting Yourself, The Goose Down, Lady to Lady, Oh No, Ross and Kerry, Song Exploder, Song Exploder, Bam Bam Pow, Yeah, Saw Bones. I make a medical history podcast with my wife called Saw Bones. She's a doctor. I'm an idiot and it's good listen. It's my wife's favorite podcast on the network. Take that. So there's that. So there's that to deal with. Anyway, go listen to all those shows. We need one more question from Griffin. Sure. This one was sent by Emerald Members. You're driving port. Thank you, Drew. It's by Yahoo. Answer, Suzer,

Phillip, who asks, what kind of car does Judge Judy own? I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. He's been my brother number other than me. He's your dad. School air on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. I'm Kerry Poppy. I'm Ross Blotcher. And we make a show. Oh no, Ross and Kerry. Oh no. We investigate fringe science. Spirituality. Religious groups. Alternative therapies. We put ourselves through a lot of uncomfortable situations. So that you don't have to. Because really, why would you? For example, I watched a tube be inserted into Ross's anus. That's true, but it sounds terrible

out of context. We've tried penis and breast enlargement pills. We spent six months undercover becoming Mormons. We hung out with the 9-11 Truthers. The UFO called the Raleons. And we're going to do more. It's one of the newest shows on Maximumfun.org.