My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 282: Candlenights 2015

Episode Date: December 22, 2015

A joyous Candlenights to you and yours! Here’s our live episode from our beautiful hometown of Huntington, WV. It’s got everything you need to boost your holiday spirits: Carolers, good cheer and a deep, deep dive into fetishizing Tim Allen’s Santa belly.

I Sing it do a chit I don't know what so you're doing you were doing Okay Everybody's Griffin McRoy from my brother my brother me brothers and this is our annual canline special live in Huntington, West, Virginia Thank you everybody who came out Apologies the ones that couldn't make it. We had a really great time You're about to hear us open up the show with some beautiful carolers from heart in the park

It didn't come out super good in the final mix, but it was fun if you were there So share this episode with your family. There's no there's no swears in this episode There were a couple swears in the live environment, but we went ahead and nip those in the bud So go ahead and share this with Peepaw, Poopaw, Pumpaw, and Pumper, your dog Pumper And joyous candlelight That was just a nightmare. The McElroy brothers are not experts And their advice should never be followed Travis insists he's a sexpert

But if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening What's up, you cool babies? Hello Joyous candle lights. My name is Justin McElroy, and I'm your oldest brother. Welcome my brother. My brother made an advice show For the modern era. For these Nova candle lights. I'm your minimalist brother Travis McElroy I'm the sweet baby brother Griffin McElroy, and I want to apologize for

After all that stuff we planned, my introduction to you was I screamed the word intimate into my microphone Thereby unravelling the scarf of intimacy that we worked so hard to Griffin makes an excellent point because what we've done is we planned carolers. We made a video We had a whole thing. There was a grinch and what we did is we planned right up until the start of my brother My brother and me and then we didn't plan anything after that Oh, I'm playing something. It's right here in this bottle. I mean, I'm You have a can in your hands

You play it poorly. Oh, all right. No, this actually this can is part of my new keep it cool My new keep it cool live show lifestyle. Let me tell you folks about it. It's called Wait to make some room. Here's how it works. So let's say you do three shows as part of Kala Mites How is this tree back? I Bought that of the dollar store What's up house left? It's called we see make some room. So here's how it's called what it's called. We can make some room

So let's say that's similar. Is that the Sims language? No, it's It's wait till you make a summer room. Here's how it works Let's say you do three shows you have a certain level of drunk that you need to be for each one the first one none It's perfect. It's called things about you. It's perfect art is a creation that is a symbol a symbiosis of art and commerce It's perfect. So you don't have to be drunk for that saw bones Drunk enough that I have to forget that I married way above way above my class It's a certain level but then okay, so wait to make some room here's how it works you pour the liquor into the can of soda, but

Here's the thing Before you can pour the liquor in Got a way to make some room So you got a one-in-one out get out of here regular liquid. You're pacing yourself. You're saying whoa whoa Ten-year bullet bourbon. I'm gonna enjoy some more of you and I do want to be clear here He's got ten-year age bullet bourbon, which he is going to pour into Diet doctor Hey, eat a big in okay, how much was that bottle can I say that is this can like that?

Fine It's not important. It's a it's the candle nights So this is an advice show for the modern era This episode we're not gonna swear at all. We should point out which is we're gonna try really hard not to swear at all And suddenly our production quality jumps up yeah, I was really worried when they started because I couldn't see Griffin super good But then Jelson flipped that tiny turning switch on that tiny plastic street lamp and suddenly all became clear I had to explain it to the people at home knew what we were talking about This has been fellas. I don't know how you feel about it kind of a swearing day

Like if I made it to the end of this day under normal circumstances, it would be 9 p.m. I would put on my sweat shorts, and I'd be like swords Shorts, I guess you swore it sure and then I would just like kick up the ottoman, and I'd be like time to do Swearing let's start with my favorite ones And then I say my fact I wish I could tell you what my favorite ones But I can't because it's candle nights, and that's not what we're going for that's not what candle nights is about There's I don't know what it is about, but I know it's not that we'll find it by the end of the episode going back Listen to all candle nights episodes. I've realized they're beautiful, and we've pitched this holiday in the perfect way

But none of us have had a moral revelation except maybe just in at the end of kilon nights 2014 when three ghosts visit and we're like hey drink less on stage Only they didn't get around to you until like January 16 You know it's funny we'd ruin candle nights by swearing the show, but there's a lot of Christmas Things that would be a lot better if they had swearing in them I was thinking about this day when I was watching in the otters jugband Christmas How how much money would you give to see one of those little otters to be like? Like but not but they'd say the bad thing the bad one the bad one should we do some what a scrooge

There's more okay, what a screws is just like they're like can we have some money scrooge, and he was like And then he said the rest of it the next word that comes in that usually at the end of it This is an advice show Don't laugh My family is doing a gift exchange this year my sister-in-law as of last Marge is buying a present Spoilers come on For my wife save that for the end of the question you don't know how to build suspense by the way I know you've been wondering

It's a cast-iron skillet My wife's Christmas list did not specify the type of cast-iron skillet that she would like rookie mistake But knowing her I have reason to think she would prefer a different type than the one that was purchased Like what character traits yeah, like well, I know that she hates Mondays and loves chocolate So she wants a Dutch oven like what that okay, so not a cast-iron skillet Not a cast-iron could be you could have a cast-iron Dutch oven. What a skillet. Well, I like that's what That's what you have issue with and not that somebody wants a cast-iron skillet Just not that cast-iron skillet if you can't figure it out on your own. It doesn't mean anything

It doesn't mean anything. You know, I only like ceramic handles. That's one of the things about me is I love ceramic handles I said ceramic handles three times because I worried it would sound like ceramic Candles and that doesn't make any sense a sincere concern. Oh, by the way, welcome behind the veil But I have reason to think of my sister-in-law prefer a different type than the one that was purchased I'm not about to ask my sister-in-law to return it and get a different one But is it okay for us to return it and get a different one ourselves Once the present has been opened and thank you said begin and given etc It might not be an issue for most people but since my sister-in-law is relatively new to the family

I don't want to do anything that might accidentally insult her and I know this game long but hanging with me There's a twist and she will know if we do this because my brother her is an octopus Why would she be an octopus it's just a better twist than the twisted go ahead My brother you've ruined the tension This isn't you build it back up start at the beginning It was a dark and stormy night Call me what's up with cast iron skillets? It was the best of times. It was the worst of skillets

Okay, mm-hmm, okay Pick it up. Well, let's take it that from and we said to one. Let's take it from the exact word. I stopped out Uh, she will know if we do this because my brother her husband and I share an Amazon account What do you think brothers? Should I return the president restrain the relationship or should I leave well enough alone and that's from sautéing in South Bend? Can I just say are you here? Are you know I'm deeply in love with the audience reaction Very much you got as a react in like a Spanish soap opera

Because that's what I wanted you to do and you did I think it's busted how Every like everybody thinks all commerce Why is everyone laughing? Did I swear? I? Think it's a bust out everybody thinks all commerce has to go through Amazon I think they they're laughing because you said busted like a character on Ghost Rider Hey gang What's ghost riders spelling on the wall we've got a bus this anyway Take it from me she'll turn up seed the actual name of a person on Ghost Rider

Sheldon turn up seed I forget what I was gonna say fellas. I Think it's made some room. I think it's bad and wrong. You put it into a cup. That's cheating version of making room I Think it's not I'm gonna go through it, so I think it's busted How everybody thinks all monetary transactions have to go through Amazon and you could you you got to do a street? Return just take this new cast iron skillet thing into Pullman Square Plaza and just carried around saying like who who wants this skillet I hear your problem is no one wants and crack me if I'm wrong here audience

No one wants a new cast iron, right? Like what's the fun of that? You need it preseason You want to stay like your great-grandmother's old busted skillet Travis Patrick. Oh, no No, you can say that all three strikes three strikes. That's why you would say that on TV three straight your old donkey skillet The you want you want to skillet so old that something in it at one point had a racist slang name, right? Sorry grandma, did you do you mean bacon? Sorry wait grandma. Did you mean to say bacon just then instead of the thing that you did say because that's not what we call it ever This is polite society

Could you take it could you take it could you take it to like? Cluckers or something and have them just like DJ cluckers. You mean you mean roosters. It's not We don't want to get sued anybody here eating at roosters since you've been here. Yeah Jason don't raise your hand. Of course you've eaten a rooster. They got a lot of TVs, right? Yeah, you were saying you were saying fry TV. What's our behind-the-scenes stuff later? Go ahead and take the pan to roosters say can you just dunk this give it a speedy crusting? Maybe one of the chefs puts it down his shirt for a work day and you get that natural That increases the price by 25 American dollars

You got to put some you got to put some sweat equity to it into it literal literal sweat equity I like quick pull quick pull of this table Griffin Justin. Yeah, how much would you pay for a cast-iron skillet? Do not answer audience What why can't they you're being really good? I want you to there's hundreds of people here You just pull. I'm going to pull them in a second. Okay, raise. This is going on Raise your hand if you pay ten dollars, and then we'll just go up in value. No, why would we do this down? Okay, I see like one that's not a long game. Okay

20 let's just get to the joke if there's a joke God help me please just say it No, my point was is that I think that in this day and age if you win up to someone and said I will sell you this cast-iron skillet for 25 dollars. They'd be like, yeah on the street homey What's your fear that you're getting a knockoff cast-iron skillet that is not name brand? Hey, why is Paula Deansbow with four E's? I Like how her face is printed on it for sure This is a Paolo Dean. That can't be right

This is one Pablo Dean doesn't even make sense Hey, does anybody want a Yahoo answer from the Yahoo answers website? If you're unfamiliar we take questions from the Yahoo answer service and try to answer them before everybody On earth did it? Fallon I know if you're here if you're here Fallon. I don't know boo. He's adorable. Great. All right. Let's do the thing It's by level it was sent in by level 9000. Yeah drew drew drew to have important He's usually here No, that would be amazing. No, that's too far from fine about next year at the top of

The yahoo page. There's a little promotion that says get double points throughout december on answers Is it time for me? Is this the time to strike and become an active member? I take so much from yahoo answers. Is it time to put them back into the ecosystem? Give I worry that you'll draw too much attention to yourself. That's a good point. I don't want to poison the well This one's asked by yahoo answers user. It's anonymous and for good reason Call him Purvis asks What It's a name Purvis asks

Why am I attracted to the weight gain belly scene from the movie the Santa Claus? I'm so happy. How's your camera nice? Mine's good so far I'm a straight male always have been there's no doubt to that maybe slight confusion Wait, okay, maybe slightly what? I'm a straight male always have been there's no doubt about that. Maybe slight confusion Just like oh, there's a backspace key on your keyboard There's no doubt. There is too late now. You know what don't leave that last sentence. I want that tricky from the yahoo record Now that I think about it, I'm dated exclusively men

I guess I'm pretty sure that would be confusing. Yeah, I guess you know this would be confusing I'm attracted to the whole weight gain fetish thing among women and only women nothing crazy like serious gaming But a little bit of chub around girl's stomachs that create a little gut is attractive to me And I didn't read this part and I'm uncomfortable on the stage now The next part's too gross to read All right When I say grow all right, uh the humiliation factor and seeing the girls act or whatever and hearing dialogue or monologue gets me aroused a good bit All right, let the record show there were no bad words in what girlfriend just said

But I would say mature concept challenging ideas Mostly just the idea of being aroused during a monologue He didn't specify the topic either. Uh my question. Can we take our robes off yet? I need to get I need to work pretty hot Cool my question now uncomfortable My question is why for that particular scene only do I get a similar feeling if if memory serves in the santa clause with any Uh, there are several scenes where tim allen. No, there is one specific guy. I believe he turns. I'm sorry profile And in the mirror watches like buttons pop off his shirt as he like slow down Again again, if you don't if you remember the scene he then turns

Full onto the camera and does this for 15 minutes So you can understand where he just gets bigger and bigger bigger and big if you can sorry, what's that? Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope Nope If everybody get that on twitter, I'll do it one more time. Why why is any of this? Yeah Justin is now just putting this on twitter get your cameras out. That's because it's ethically bad It's ethically bad for them to do that thing you said So tim allen, I think what you've got here is a uh

You've got a lot of ideas that we're growing up a lot across wires a lot across wires, right? Everybody loves santa. Ho ho ho green giant. Well, he stole that one of them stole it Uh, and everybody loves santa kids growing up a little bit santa and then tim allen I don't need I say more I hope that you guys would say something else. America's sexiest comic american sexiest Comic slash novelist. Uh, his oh my god. Why am I here changed my life? It's why it's why i'm a zen buddhist I wish that was not true. Have you seen yikes? Have you seen? Whoa?

Sorry pump of the brakes. Yeah, I just found out travis got his religious theology from tim allen Sorry the show is cancelled. We're only talking about this now I believe I was 14 and his views really unlocked something within me the first annual allen nights where travis The show has come to a halt to tell you tell us well, there's a metaphor running through the book Of the i'm trying to find the perfect hood ornament The perfect chainsaw And what's great about it and I feel truly moving is he finds what he thinks to be the perfect ornament like we all have

And then when he sees it the next morning in a clearer light He realizes it's not as beautiful as it was on the show floor and he realizes that what is truly important in life Is his wife and kids and not A hood ornament. Okay. Good. And I think you read that and in the other i was 14 yes In the other hand you were holding a big bag full of hood ornaments and you're like What am I becoming? No

Why did I sort through so many of these? We are not talking about the matter at hand, which is this person's tim allen chub chub This day is devil trouble chub chub above all And I guess we're just not gonna I I would say this if it is confusing for you My 35 years on this planet have proven one thing and one thing only and that is not that hard to not see a Santa Claus movie I was gonna say how often is this coming up that you're like in the middle of I don't know getting your license

We're new to the dmv and you look up. No, no, no, now I have to go change your channel, please Now I got that guy got too worked up Um Yeah, and it's specifically not that scene right like it's not the whole movie. It's just the part where he gets large and in charge, right? um I got another question. I've bought a book for a friend. What time did we start by the way? Uh, it's it's been like four minutes. Go ahead. Okay Uh, I bought a book for a friend as a gift is

Pending candle nights festivities while waiting for the approaching holiday. I've been hearing amazing reviews and have been Seeing it on a number of years best lists. How morally reprehensible? Sorry How morally reprehensible is it to read a book prior to gifting? That's from dishonorable in davidson. All the all the information's used up Again, there's there's only love left in this copy of eat pray love This is garbage use of all the story Wait, why is no don't contextualize that the idea of if you said anything like I bought a sweater for my friend And I wore it first. No one will be like that's fine. You can wear it again. No

No, it's a present you bought for someone. You're not allowed to read it before him. What's the alternative? Go get it yourself. It's $6.99. It's a book That's a hand rate if you're wondering why it seems a little hot this winter It's because old uh old climate change trap is uh trying to just like waste a lot of wastefulness I think in my in my book in my america One more and one two more words about that paris accord. What? I'm trying to get it fixed up a little hot out there today Dad has his head in his hands right now. That's not a joke

Just a little it seems a little steamy out there in my america. I don't know Maybe everybody should like just a picture of me reading a book Well, you bought a book and they cut a tree down to make that book and they paved paradise and put up a parking lot We've got libraries for a reason Go to the library and get him pre love too. Congratulations. Mr. Macro. He's your library carver excited to have you. Thanks I need books that Nobody's touched I need your new shipments. Well, we have like a new highlights magazine. I guess if that's

If that's it Um, here's some books about how bad climate change is nobody's touched those Apparently Let's change the minds. Let's change the minds. I'm sorry. I spilled on the uh Thing we got another yahoo. Yeah, sure. Hit me How about this one? Uh This one. Oh man, there's so many good ones

Uh, thank you to everybody who sent these in this one was sent in by don aims. Thank you don It's by yahoo answers. You sorry something has gone wrong. I'm gonna try refreshing the page. Do you have a wi-fi? I'm on that those fat pipes Thank you big sandy We have we uh sandy as the it person here, uh, and uh Fun fun bit of trivia for people who uh live here when we tell people we were doing the show the big sandy and everybody was like Whoa, and then we had to tell them it's like no not where no Not where like the he-man live stunt show would be but like

Also, it's 1992. Yeah Yeah, now where they do world of wheels and have all the the trucks and tractors come in but like over here where they do In the prom crypt In the This actually might be the room I had my prom in. Oh, yeah No, this place is a regular like team boner storage facility There are prom boner ghosts all over this life. Oh, I just walked into a cold spot. Yeah I once saw

I once saw American hero and west virginia native chuck Yeager first man breaking sound barrier. What's up chuck? You make it tonight? I didn't make it but uh, you want to talk about cool intros. I want to tell chuck Yeager come on to this stage In sweats is my wife in this room in my lion Sydney Come on the stage in sweats and say I got this video about me. We're gonna watch that first 10 minutes What chuck did you just start with a video about yourself that you started he intro'd a video about himself Sydney am I lying?

She says no, I'm not lying. No for those of you at home. No, he is not lying Also for those of you at home. No, we literally did that exact same thing when we entered our show kind of Okay, but wait, hold on wait. No, no, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine because we're not wearing sweat pants Oh, dang The difference is we were singing Uh in christmas pageants and he was breaking the sound barrier. So I feel like an a-hole. Okay, go ahead and now a 10 minute video of chuck yeager I wish

He's a hero. That would be so much better than our stupid show. Fascinating life that guy chuck yeager asks Wouldn't it be great if he was like a 10 minute video of me knitting my true fashion? Chuck Yeager asks Who stole my christmas goose? Who stole my christmas goose? I built a fence around him and it was 12 feet high I'm just now Yeah, my reading comprehension is just now kick that's a high a fence I built a fence around him and it was 12 feet high

So he couldn't jump out and I know he didn't run away, but he did But he know but he know there And I can't find him anywhere who stole my christmas goose It was the Hanukkah fox The Hanukkah fox Snapped the neck of your christmas goose with his powerful jaws That's it. That's it. That's a set the shortest sentence in the english language that has all of the letters in it The Hanukkah fox snapped the christmas goose's neck

Oh, that was good. Listen a goose It's not a vtol bird. It cannot just like whoop up and go He's a running start if this is a small enough pin Then we have a locked room mystery on our hands. When you when you first read this. I was literally pitching a picture of fence Just wide enough for the goose to be at it Like the goose wouldn't even have room to turn around. We're talking about the the barrel of a goose gun Yes, but then I thought 12 feet high The circumference of a foot tops. I don't know the diameter of a bird. You built a a goose silo

For your one goose. This would all be a lot funnier if this wasn't how most of the chickens we eat are raised And you know what we feed them fossil fuels Think about it Wake up Wake up. It's a hot to one out there We're boiling our geese's alive. This is my new character guy laughing the thing that isn't that funny Who stole the christmas goose? Sorry. You stole the christmas goose. Justin you made a lot of jokes, but no firm denial It was me

I stole the christmas goose Uh, I thought the goose stole it. It's gonna be okay Yeah, I know this seems like quite the turn, but we gotta we gotta end for it. Don't worry. We got we're not like jj Evens we got an actual outro for this thing What the what is going on? No, no, no, no, no shut up. It was a lost joke. It wasn't like a star wars thing. It was not topical It was not topical. Don't don't be don't get it twisted Um, I here's a true story. I ate goose for the first time two years ago

Uh, my mother-in-law made it for christmas and it tasted fine, but I realized that it is very hard To add a new animal To the list of animals you eat like it's just like it moves them from one column Into another column like welcome. I'm eating you now Welcome to the things I eat. Welcome to the justin tomy club. Welcome to tomy club But now now when I see you flocking through the sky, I think Mm-hmm. Yep. Yeah

Why don't you flock on down here when you do that does it push another one out? I added goose and now I can't have no fish anymore No, that's a bad thing eventually just becomes me like matter eater lad just like I'll eat the mic I don't care So it's kind of like a weird version of the most dangerous game where you just have to keep eating until you've eaten the most dangerous Animal and then you have to eat the most the most delicious game and like justin's great great great great grandchildren I'll be like all right capybara. You're the last one Come on

The most elusive game of capybara. Come on. Well, no, they're the cutest game Why don't you want to eat one of those but then you eat them and you're like I caught them all I've had it all capybara dolphin boba sewer all of it Time to turn in turn in my tummy decks All right, all right coral science says that you're an animal, but I don't believe it But there's only one way to settle this come on in Come on in the toe. He's fine Plankton, I'm just I'm gonna hate this

But I gotta know I can eat a billion of you at once Think of the possibilities Hey, uh, I hope everybody's having a real good time at this live show we recorded before We thank any of our sponsors. I want to say a huge. Thank you to heart This is the theater group that Provided our carolers for us during the show. It didn't come in so great through the final mix

It was one of those you had to be one of those patented macaroy You had to be there moments But uh every summer they do theater and uh in huntington and if you uh can get by I think you're really gonna enjoy it I love it. I'd be two thumbs up. I love theater. I love heart I love huntington last year. They did a play that our daddy wrote I want to say a big thank you also to zip recruiter Uh when you're short staff, there's no time to deal with dozens of different job sites with zip recruiter dot com You can post to 100 plus job sites with one single click and be instantly matched to candidates from over six million resumes

I'm so hung over. I'm just realizing I'm so hung over from last squats. Look at me I'm we're all together right now. It's the day after candle lights day one when we did our live show This is day zero stay zero and now we're all together and my brothers are watching me do my post hangover squats watch me now Squat that's one two reps you keep squatting travis driven. You're doing an excellent plie Zipper recruiter has been used by over 400 businesses and you can try it right 400,000 400 Well, it is also over 400. Okay, you are right But the coffee does say 400,000 go to zip recruiter dot com slash my brother That's zip recruiter dot com slash my brother

No travis you do it go burn it. Okay. Well, we also are sponsored this week by harry's you've heard us talk about harry's before But in case you haven't harry's uh Harry's razors offer a high quality shave. It's better for your face and your wallet Maybe you've gone to like, I don't know a wall greens cvs And you're like, I need to get some razor blades and the dude's like, all right Well, first you have to find me and he hides in like the snack aisle and then you gotta find him And he unlocks the thing and then he's like these razor blades are gonna be $100 I haven't shaved in a long time. Okay, great. And so harry's in fact is much cheaper

But way better you can get a starter set for just $15 and that includes a razor foaming shave gel or shave cream And three razor blades plus free shipping But if you go to harry's dot com you can get $5 off the starter set with the code my brother all one word Start shaving better today Got a quick text. I got a message for Ian. Also. It wasn't in the text. Hey, it's Ian. I'm texting you I got a message for fiona. All right, so let me try again. I strike that versus. Hey, it's fiona I was reading the phone upside down. Hey, it's fiona. I got a message for Ian the text says Wishing you the most magical birthday wiggling to that nice blonde girl and making prostitutes

Remember someone is gonna die today. What is this? It's not candle nights is what it isn't Um, I'm sure they didn't mean for this to go up on our candle nights. I was just taking his shirt off I love you guys so much. All right Yeah, uh, happy birthday, ian and uh, and uh, and a happy candle nights and a happy I wiggling I suppose happy wiggling. Travis got another message hit me, dude This message is for just fisher prince. He's done Uh, and it's from johnny lev to the best the best man there is Congrats on finally squeezing that baby out now that the whole prego thing is over and you're free of responsibility

You can spend all your time planning. Uh, probably my planning my bachelor party. Good work. You're the best Does this get me out of babysitting? It does johnny. Congratulations and uh, joys candle nights to everybody Thanks again to everybody who came out to our show. Uh, we hope you had a lot of fun. We know we did Uh, let's get back into it. Um, so one of the things heading into, uh, candle nights We discussed on the show was that we didn't know all that much About hanukkah, um as represented by the decorations on stage. We tried And we failed there's just none for sale. I don't know. Not a huge hanukkah selection That's a regional problem and not really our problem

Uh, we tried just you know, we tried. I've seen Uh, one, uh delightful person here in a hanukkah sweatshirt and I appreciate that. Thank you. Yes. Oh, it lights up how glorious Oh, how wonderful. Um, so I wanted to take a minute. Um, I constructed a report It wasn't even mine. Honestly, it wasn't even mine. I took a copy. I copied and pasted from the internet But it did have a lot of words that I didn't understand. So I had to translate them And I would like to read it for you now. It's titled hanukkah colon history Unlike many jewish holidays hanukkah also known as the festival of ludo Is not mentioned in the bible

The historical event upon which the celebration is based are recorded in maccabees one and two Two books contained within a later collection of writings known as the poopkins Although hanukkah is considered a minor jewish festival today ranks along with squeegee and squelch As one of the most beloved jewish family holidays in the year 168 bce the hungover syrian tyrant don cheedle Send his soldiers to jerusalem. The syrians desecrated the pizza roll Well, you guys just raise your hands if it gets anti-semitic like a little like when it when you're anti-semitic Not you in the back. There's like cheedle also abolished Tatars outlawing the outlawing the observance of shabbat and the festivals as well as booty teaching

Alters and idols were set up for the worship of greek gods and and he offered jews two options conversion or nantucket On the 25th day there they go there they go there they go On the 25th day of the hebrou month of croissants in 168 bce the pizza roll was renamed for the greek god tim curry A resistance movement led by a priestly family known as jingles of or maccabees Developed against the cruelty of cheedle. The head of the family was bodacious an elderly man i'm actually learning a lot from this His son hamilton became the chief strategic strategist. That's not one that's added in. That's just a word

I can't say. Yeah, just try to say strategist, but next it up Strategist, i'm an idiot And military leader of the resistance though outnumbered Hamilton jingles and his fighters miraculously won two major battles routing the syrians sloppily Hanukkah, which means moist is the festival Is the festival a lot of hands on that one that one had that one had an impact on the audience Is the festival that commemorates the purification and undulation of the temple following and this not a word changed Following the defilement caused by the greeks during their occupation of the holy place today

The holiday reminds jews to rededicate themselves to stand against forces that would destroy judaism And to keep alive the flame of jewish religion culture and people you really are just going full blown wikipedia right now So that it may be passed on to the next generation According to the legend When the magravies entered the temple and began to reclaim it from the greeks, they immediately Relit their neuro to men. Nope. Um, which translates to yes boo louder. Feed me. Feed me. Feed me that energy Which translates to lugubrious milk toast? Which burned constantly in the temple and has a parallel in our synagogues to this day

In the temple. They found a single jar of calamari. There's actually Which was a vision for only one day the gallivant who was sent to secure additional Calamari took eight days to go forward and miraculously the single jar of oil continued to hogwash until his return I'm feeding on it The rabbis of the talmud attributed the eight days of hanukkah to the to the miracle of the single jar of calamari The end I'm gonna I'm gonna say something a little contentious here I don't take it out of context ever, but if it means that that hadn't just happened then I wish hanukkah had never been invented

That's how that's how I oh I got a hand raised on that. I guess that's fair, but If you could save us from that, I think it would be worth it. I thought that was informative and insightful You did go on a weirdly like Educational run. I wanted like a like a Christmas special from the mid 80s I wanted there to be a one moment where I go on went Huh, and then came back to hating it And then screech still does run in after they learned a lesson about drugs and like and here's screech right now I'm sorry about booing you

That's all right This past Thanksgiving my partner and I celebrate Thanksgiving of my parents parent Oh, sorry parent partner's parents house the parents live locally, but since we wanted to spend Friday with them Wait, you stuttered through a phrase that I really enjoy My partner's parents After that I celebrated Thanksgiving my partner's parents just do the whole thing This past Thanksgiving my partner. I celebrated Thanksgiving my partner's parents house The parents live locally, but since we wanted to spend Friday with them as well

And since we don't have our own car we thought it might be best to just sleep over Thursday night Thursday night is highlighted here on Travis's iPad in case he wants to make an appointment for them However, maybe just stop by see how things are going Uh, however, we were informed by the parents that is expected that we would not share a bed My partner and I have been together for nine months. We're both well into adulthood We have completely lost this audience and the yeah, because it's like not funny. I was Uh, uh, sad lives is a bad bit. Nobody likes it So say we all my partner and I have been together for nine months

We're both well into adulthood and parents like me and progressive and most every other way My partner and I are of course classy enough to not get Busy on the family room futon during our stay, but we're not married and have no plans for it So i'm not sure when circumstances would change the parents mind about this and the problem is certain to rear It's ugly head again brothers. How could I convince them to let us sleep? How we're most comfortable? Seeking the solace of shared somber in Cincinnati. What if what if your partner's parents are just saving this For a gift. So you maybe not like 2019 Under the under the candle knight's bush. What's that? Oh, it's an envelope. Oh, no, it's probably a gift card a home depot

But then you open up it's not it's a little letter from your partner's parents and it just says Go for it I Connect for do it What if it just says we know and we're cool Because you have to assume it that boy 2019 and three years four years from now They know they're doing it. I like more of a demand Go for it. Do it. No

What's worse like what that's worse, right? Definitely. That's worse than saying like Go for it You're cool I want to say that I I do like aren't you excited to be able to sleep like with the room as cold as you want and the fan on Because I'd be like a little excited about that Like oh, I'm just gonna make it like 40 degrees in here and uh My question is if the debate is whether or not you can sleep on the family room futon together If you're not allowed to sleep together, where do you end up if the family room futon is the best option?

You're in the garage Like what's the other option that you get secluded to you're in the dog bed. You have to sleep with the parents Melod, Melodeff and jerry I had a bad dream Jerry close-minded Jeremy we've laid some blankets on the floor and now you'll listen to us do it Yeah, we just no no no. This is how two adults make love take notes Still no bad words. Just remember no bad words challenge. We're very progressive We just want to make sure you know what you're doing in there

With it watch Melodeth and jerry for a second. Sorry You probably thought that was an affectation. Oh, it's her knees with w's We're very poor Western parents. Well now they're just Yeah, that's doesn't mean Um, do you guys want how about we do one final yahoo and then we not the final yahoo? No, no, no, no No, we'll do another yahoo. Okay, and then we'll turn it to the audience and do some audience questions Okay, um, we'll just don't line up or anything. We'll just yell at you when you put your hands up and call you forward Does everybody know the rule about questions at live shows?

No It's printed on the microphone. We brought no bummers with us by the way You can see it right there and also no cursing. Yeah, no cursing. Oh, I sweat. Yeah, I swan to john You guys are gonna think it's funny. I'm gonna immortalize myself By ruining candle nights. No, I mean you will yeah, it'll work For for this room, but you don't make it on the recording or any podcast recording from now to the end of time We got the juice to make that happen. You want to be on maren? No nice We not we will

Well, we'll find somebody who knows that guy and say like hey, they're off limits I just want to sit in. Oh, I just want to finish my plug. Thank you. You're trumpet labs. They mean that for us Uh, beautiful microphones, uh, it's sent in by zoe kinsky climbing that ladder zoe kinsky It's by yahoo answers user passenger wow widow, which Sorry Oh, it's okay world of warcraft widow is saying, okay Wow, it's not either ways, but like it's better than like wow. I'm a widow. Wow Wow, you're a widow

Wow Yeah, there's a little chris for walking in there. That's the only word I can do If do I was here, he's got a pretty good walking, but my only walking is wow Wow, all right, uh Uh passenger wow widow asks If I am a super good girl Will santa bring me robert downey jr. For christmas What I love about this question

Is the thought of santa showing up at robert downey jr's house like it's time The the the bargain we made when I put you in iron man Time to pay the piper who is santa And you know, I would like to think of rdj that he would go I do I Sorry Okay rdj your personal friend and mentor. I'm pretty hollywood at this point. Yeah, sure Then he would go, you're right. You're right and just walk into the bag. No, this is on me

I've lived a good I've lived a good life Can it be tell my grufflo. I said I love you Can it be Uh robert downey jr. All right, I'm bob downey the second and I I want to thank you for having me to your bout duvar I hope to uh show you some challenging yet comfortable love making positions Shall we begin with smooches? Shall we begin with some heavy petty? I hear it's somebody's special day here. I heard you've been a very good girl This this beats the heck out of the tile store. Wow. I'm uh really excited to be the bob downey in your bout duvar

Sorry, I don't know any other words for it other than bout duvar I meant to learn some But I didn't It's a busy season at the tile store I was in a bicycle accident and I lost some words Luckily not bicycle or accident because can you imagine? How would I even describe my situation? I was in a two-wheels mobile accident You know pedal pedals

I did a bad on one of them On a pedal pedal I did a bad and boom ouchy Bob downey the second I have a head contusion Bob downey the second. I'm glad you're here. You're better than robert downey jr You've explained this to me 18 times bob downey the second. Sorry. I had this bicycle Yeah, I think there's a sliding scale for how good you have to be and how bad robert downey jr Has to be because it's like you could be as good as you want

But let's bob downey jr has failed santa in some way. I don't think he can close on that deal Um, I don't know. I didn't like iron man too very much that So now he has to be someone's servant. Yeah, I guess so That's a that's a pretty high standard now that I think about it I don't want to be held to that standard. We all have off days Questions from the audience. Yeah, let's do it. Um, let's start. Let's start on this side. Uh, uh You want it too much? Yeah, you set up not you want the first hand up. Yes with the finger pointing at themselves. Yes Hi, hello, hey, hey

Not you michael sullivan stage manager for our live extravaganza We'll do you later. Hello, sir. What is your name? My name is jordan jordan. Hi. Do you understand the rule? no bombers How can we help? Oh, okay, so I travel a lot for work and I have to be at a place for like a long period of time on like a project Okay, can you speak just Like an old timey radio show. Okay. Yeah pretend you're doing an ad for a jack down. You don't have to do a weird squatty thing You bend to the waist, right? I don't want to assume. Can you stop like kibbutzing for a second sure can

so I have to travel for work in a beautiful place for a long period of time and I'm living in a corporate apartment in new york city and I I'm single and I can't really I'll buy the rights to your tv show right now How ready are you to mingle? How zany is your neighbor? The mingling is like mid-level ready to make that guy I am single and somewhat ready to mingle So as I am ready like I need to right now It's like filled with like pure one imports like gross furniture and stuff because I didn't furnish it So but I also can't put anything permanent in because I'm leaving in march

So how do I put together an apartment that feels like me without spending any money? and also So let me understand you can't spend any money and nothing permanent, but it has to really scream jordan. Yes exactly it Can you write Over the wall to the door on the outside of the door jordan's place Well, I I did that so that's done done darn whoo that was close Can you um, can you uh

Turn on the furniture upside down just like jordan lives here. He's a real free spirit You you know jordan He's a real free spirit He doesn't like to sit on things. He doesn't like to sit on things You know, there's a noonie and noonie from that funny snl skit. He's like those people cool Uh, yeah, jordan you're kind of tying our hands because normally I just say like go out and just buy the most expensive rug there Right

Okay, wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Stop everybody. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Shut up. Shut up unless Unless okay now there will be some investment in this But you need to get a storage unit move all the furniture into that unit And then get nothing else in your unit And then when people come in you look at them in the eye and you say think about me think about everything you know about me Picture the furniture. Oh my god And he is the pan. Yeah. Yeah, and then yeah bangerang. Oh there you are jordan. Oh there you are jordan Knowing knowing what you know about me like just inflatable furniture. You're doing it and then the furniture will appear

Yeah, bangerang. You did it. There's a futon made of dogs. What? I'm gonna have a seat on it. Oh god. I broke my tailbone jordan. I trusted you. I trusted you dream furniture That's so jordan. I feel so unsafe in jordan's place jordan's always breaking tailbones Okay, can you make them a draw a picture and then decorate the apartment with the picture that they drew? Like this is what others have seen. What will you see? I'll be back in three hours I hope we didn't have anything pressing to do Did we help you? Yeah, did we do that? That was so good. Thank you jordan

Head to middle this time Uh, oh, I picked the last one. Travis, you picked the middle. Yes, you used him. Yes, my stash That was fun. I'm a jonte, hello Well, hello. Oh boy. I got a real character on our hands. Oh, I see what we're doing here. What is your name? My name is bobby. I'm bobby. Do you understand the rule? No gosh darn bummers Good

Okay, so, uh, I travel in town for the holidays every year and over the past couple years. My family's been moving christmas back Gradually now because i'm traveling in I can't necessarily get off work for the 18th. Sure. Oh, whoa How do I stop christmas from sliding into september? Okay, I must stop christmas from coming for now Um, did you have you already experienced christmas bobby? It's been it's been a little while. Okay Uh, like this year 2015 has your christmas come and gone yet or are you? Oh, I missed it. What I missed it. Oh, you could miss it Oh dag dag. I bet it was good. Oh wait. Hold on. I've got this. Do you know what's great here bobby?

Whenever you roll up is christmas. Yeah You didn't miss christmas. They did christmas early Uh, that's what we learned from the grinch. You're still christmas actually if it's not the exchange of gifts It's the people around you so you could like Legitimately say like I don't think you did have christmas because bobby wasn't here Check the pictures bobby the pictures. Do you see bobby the videotape the videotape? Yeah, i've seen no bobby here Uh, yeah, no bobby. I don't think you had christmas because it's about the people I've only known you for 110 seconds, but I just know you are christmas

I'm not convinced you're not a bunch of presents stacked up in Jeans and a shirt Well, you don't have to I don't I'm not looking at you naked. I'm not looking at your naked boxes Well, now I am wrapping me with his eyes Can you imagine anything more? I think you do a protest christmas on december the 25th Can you imagine anything more rad than bobby sitting on the floor a little santa hat pile of presents in front of the tree by himself Just like well, this one's the sandwich maker Thank you. Do you ever got this for me?

If anyone would like to join me, I'll be in the living room while his family's in the kitchen. I don't know where we went wrong It's new year's eve already over here We're a week ahead Oh wait till they lap you and then it's christmas again The stupid thing is they should be pushing it later because they can get all the decorations that like 50 off Hence our entire like scene right now bobby, does that help?

Very much so. Great. Thanks. Bye Justin pick somebody from the right My turn if you're a if you're a uh Non-dude, can you raise your hand? I want to get a non-dude. There you go right here. Come on up Oh, you believe the mic is so far away All right, let's give him a big round of applause Hello, and what is your name? Hello, my name is Nathania. Hi. Hi. Is that with an N? Nathania? Yes, it is. Okay, welcome And do you know the rule? Yes, I do. No bummers. Okay. Okay. How can we help? So my husband? He's the best

Okay, sounds like you don't need any help. Yeah, sounds. Yeah, sounds like you're fine. I don't he's awesome He's okay. I've been next. I've been waiting for the results of that contest All day and to find out like this This how you do me? I mean, is it Steve Harvey should come out and announce the results right guys? Top of the and the best husband is Griffin McAvoy. No, wait a minute I'm like I'm like on like news alerts like what just happened so I can reference that Freshest rep

Freshest rep award goes to Griffin. There's no way to win to Travis. Steve Harvey not again Oh So he he um, he knows what he likes and it's hard to get him gifts Uh-huh. So I don't want any advice on what gifts to give him. Good. I want to know How can we myself and his family make him like whatever gifts He Nathania is your husband here right now. He is he brought me here. This is my christmas present Oh, man. He won nice like that's hard to beat. He's the best. Yeah, mr. Nathania

Can I give you? Yes Sorry, what we're sticking with mr. Nathania. Yeah, that's not that important. You're not at the microphone I'm gonna tell you a lesson that I learned when I was about eight years old And that is the gifts given to you are not for you They are for the person who gave them to you so that you can be thankful for all the love that they showed you in that gift And if you look up from the gift and go You're the worst

No, I learned that at eight. I doubt very much. He does that But there is some nuance to the situation that Travis is not that is impossible if you but this is the lie and what you have just said is that If you really love somebody and you cannot tell Instantly that they don't like something like right away everybody. Oh, it's a lie. We tell each other It's a lie. We tell each other like oh you hated that and I know you hated that but like that's not what this is about I get it. Yeah, you have to go to your grave. I know absolutely not I loved it and it was the best coffee maker I ever got my entire life. I never used it. It was great

Get a present receiving catchphrase It's it's a snow listen It's something I've been doing for years and you guys probably haven't noticed I'm kind of part in the kimono right now, but um Don't look Get a present receiving catchphrase so every time you get a present no matter what it is Doesn't matter. This is a this is a gift agnostic All idiom and don't steal mine because I need it, but just be like oh It makes so much sense now

But everybody has one of those right, I mean like I let me mine is like I'll open it open open open that's a hope Oh I do it every after a gift. Uh minus is this oh travi like I really don't like this is a real horror show We don't we don't you're having skips anymore I'm not even invited. Nathania. Can you tape a 20 to it somewhere? Just tape a 20 who doesn't like that. Yeah

Just hand them a 20 20 tape to like whatever thing and ask for five dollars back or a fake Price tag on it. That's a big high price Like like one million dollars Wait griffin i'm worried that this side of the audience didn't see it. Could you do that one more time? Like a high price like one million dollars Um Never you can purchase the jib outside after the show. Don't worry folks. Uh, yeah, we got dvds. Nathania. Did that help? Absolutely. Great. Thanks. See she's gonna be lying if she didn't like what she got

Let's go for one more from the back uh back in the way back flashy hanukkah shirt flashy hanukkah shirt you earned it And I don't mean like all it's entacious hanukkah shirt No, it's literally it's it is illuminated Hello, hello Did somebody just boo me? No, they said hello in the very germane We said hello the opposite of boogie. They did a hello from downtown. Hello. What is your name? My name is shaylin Hi, shaylin. Hey shaylin. Can you scoot over to the just go? Let her rip. Okay. Hi. Um, go for it. I was wondering if I was to decorate my home

For candle nights next year. Uh-huh. What color scheme would you say is the official color scheme of candle nights? No, this is a good question. No, this is a good question and it's it's honestly it's honestly as as One of the three dads of candle nights It's one of the reasons why The holiday hasn't caught on as much as uh, we would want it to um, because the problem is The color of candle nights is fire And you hear it you just heard me say that and your brain thought like oh red. No, you know, you know, you must understand It's fire

To do to do a house up like that is our son I mean, it's arson Everything you see in front of you is rigged to explode when the show's over. It's gonna be quite the Don't stick around show. Don't stick around get out I think that what we just did was illegal No, there's nothing literally just claiming fire in a big stuff building, but fine. No, that was a joke clearly It's parody fair use. Listen That's a fair use for it's trick because inside you get some candles whatever outside. What do you do outside of a controlled burn or like

Sick like butane fountains. Is that even a thing? You could also uh, I was gonna say like project fire onto your house what I feel like that might go poorly They have a name for that Travis. It's a somebody whose house is about to be gone Like you can't project fire under your house. Oh, you made a picture. Okay, got it Got it not literal fire. I'm with you now But still the point stands if somebody has a fire hologram on their house, your neighbor's not gonna drive by and be like, oh sick I will say they won't this year But maybe soon they'll be like, oh candle nights nice

That's all the kids all the holidays together a controlled burn on the front facade of your house Get an expert. Oh get an expert to get this controlled burn going, but just have it spell out. It's cool This is cool This is cool is fine. Don't call the police dave again Unless this if this doesn't if this stops spelling out This is cool. Oh my god. Call the police or the fired people unless this is also on fire dave Then please tell me dave

I'm so scared. His house says it's all That's not a word it's stop being words get them Get the fired. Is this a call about the house that's part way on fire? Yeah, we've heard about it. No, you don't understand The worm has turned Uh, does that help that helps a lot. Cool. Don't do any of that stuff. Thank you Yeah, I think that's gonna do it. Okay, listen, uh all kidding aside The fact that so many of you folks have who raised your hand if you're not from West Virginia at all Oh my god, no

Anybody not from America? Does that carry on sitting? All right. All right. All right. All right. Cool. Cool. Cool Um, thank you so much for coming to candle nights. Did you have a good time? Um So it's like tweet nice stuff to that effect. It's um sweet hashtag candle Hashtag candle lights like I had a great time so we can like keep doing it Not that like so not like the man is gonna keep us from doing it like it's pretty much just us and you can't shut us down Thank you. By the way, thank you huge huge huge. Thank you. There's so many people I don't think but uh chase Henderson put on this show He's a promoter of our show chase Henderson all of chase's volunteers. We helped out. Thank you so so much

Thank you to Michael Sullivan who was our stage manager. He did a great job. Thank you to, um Dwight slappy am I saying that right Dwight? Great Dwight Simon who thinks I bought sheets. Thank you. You Sidney Smurl McKelloy. Is it mckelloy? mckelloy from Saul bones I would also like to say thank you to Teresa Mackroy and Rachel Mackroy. Let me put it back on this and clan Mackroy and Carol Mackroy who did all the beautiful decorations that you see on stage. Thank you to uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Jason and uh, Tyler Eldridge for being our for being a druids. It's still Dwight away. Thank you to Boyd Smith for being the Grinch

Okay, that's all I'll wait one more. Thank you to Josh and the folks at Billions for helping us set up Yes, and all the carolers Yeah, so we got him Dad and thank you to Riley Riley Smurl Riley Smurl. Thank you so much. I just want to like We I referenced this at the beginning about how this was a swearing day Uh, it got really thorny there and like right before we yeah My baby about about uh, literally exactly the time we're supposed to leave my baby threw up and at a temperature of 101 So it was like whoa, she's fine. She's fine now

But it was I got a video of her playing ring around the rosy like she's good But it was like it was pretty intense there. So thank you to uh, let's have another hand to sydney who didn't really want to come But did anyway And charlie if you're listening to this in the future, uh, we're cool You're fine. Yeah, you made it my point My point was it got really thorny and I got so stressed out that we got here and everything was running behind and I was like Really worried that it was going to be terrible But like all of our friends and family came together to help us put this on and it was a genuine candle night's miracle

So thank you all so much And thank you to you the people who like if you came and said line out. I I understood it was raining I'm sorry about that and if you if you came like a long way to come see us. That's that's awesome Um, we're gonna be uh over at uh bar called the lantern for a little bit Big fans. Yeah, some lantern heads in the house. Uh, it's a fourth and eighth, right? Fourth avenue and eighth street. It's all right. Yeah, right around there. Thank you solvent Uh, so so we'll be we'll be over there. Um, and it's a fun place and uh, is that gonna do it first of all? I think so you want that final yahoo? Uh, we're gonna do a final yahoo. Yeah, well

Yeah, yeah, finally yahoo and then we've got a special candle nights carol to go out on there's not a lot of candle nights carols There is one, uh, and we're gonna, uh, perform that for you, but we do have a final, uh, yahoo for you Calm down this one was standing by zoekinski climbing that ladder zoekinski tie Y'all answers user check. Sorry something is going wrong. Oh, no, this one was chuggaker too Chuggaker asks again, man, he's active on yahoo Did you think mrs. Doubtfire was hot when you were a kid or was that just me? Ladies and gentlemen, my name, uh, has been justin Tyler McElroy. My name has been and will always be Travis Patrick McElroy. I'm Griffin Andrew McElroy

This is a candle night song Oh Strongman my sick string You already goofed on it the words are on the screen Read them. Okay. I followed him. Wait, where you starting? Where you picking up? From the beginning of the song Okay, go ahead Go ahead. I would have been fine. I would have figured it out. I'm a freaking professional

He didn't finish it. He didn't finish it. I didn't finish it. I didn't finish it And I was gonna say professional go ahead, Griffin Professional Somebody know when you're ready for me to Limit on sponge cake Watching the sun bake All of the tourists covered with oil if you were in the show come on up Some in my six straight come on dad briley out of my front porch swing

Smell of the shrimp they're beginning to boil They're sending Dwight slapping Wasted away again in margaritaville A druid surgeon for my law shaker assault Assault assault. Yes sir. Some people claim that there's a womb on the blame, but I know It's nobody's fault Let's uh, let's do the chorus one more time. We're gonna drop the guitar and I just want to hear everybody Let's let's share this moment together. You ready? No, that's cool. I get it

Five six five six seven eight Wasted away again in margaritaville. Let me hear you. Come on. It rates candle nights Surgeon for my law shaker assault Salt It's a thing Come on to blame, but I know It's nobody's fault But you think one more time one more time

Come on one more time Wasted away again I want to hear you out there bill. I want to hear everybody come on We actually sound like a drunk jimmy puppet concert right now But there's a womb on the blame, but I know It's nobody's fault Joyous candle nights everybody. Good night You