My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 283: Building Bridges

Episode Date: December 30, 2015

Friends: The Con is Off. Finish the last, intricately planned steps of your grift by 11:59 p.m. tomorrow, because your devious ways aren't exactly going to mesh with next year's theme. Suggested talking points: The Naming of 2016, Letter Licking, Wolf School, Cookie Surprises, Imaginary Enemy

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's a new craze, and the girls, do you want it? Just say, hey, I want it. Just say, hey, I want it. Gotta get up, gotta get up. Hello everybody and welcome. My name is Soul Legend Desmond Carter, and you're listening to my brother, my brother, and me. It's 2016 basically, and you've joined us for the 2016 naming special. Let me introduce you to the brothers you have grown so accustomed to.

First up is Justin McElroy. Hey everybody, Justin here. Next up, we got Travis McElroy. Oh, didn't see you come in. Bringing the energy. Griff and McElroy hit me. Hey, I didn't see you come in. Shit. You stole that line from your brother, but it's 2016, baby. Yeah, hit me. Here I come. Very good high energy, great special so far. My brother, my brother, and me, every year they have chosen a nickname for the year 2012 was, of course, zzzzzzzzzzz. It's okay. 2010 was Zolo correct? I don't know. I don't know if we ever officially announced that, but in my heart of hearts, of course, it was Zolo. I don't think they did 2011. That was Zol. They're just great. It took us a while to get good at naming things.

Dark Lord Zol 12 was 20 does, getting it in 20 does, I believe was that one, then in of course 2013 was 2013 digging up the dirt 2014 was that 2014 I think it's 2014 nobody remembers 2015 was of course 2015 colon the con is on the first they were pioneers in invent the idea of colonning a word okay now I just just want to throw that voice into the sun yeah listen the one-second brothers you paid me an exorbitant fee to be the MC of tonight's double as to have you leave this place immediately I just I'm almost done with my intro then I've got a few songs for you and you have to stop listen you are making me physically iller I'm trying to pick up your slack middle brother here

we go almost done with the intro big finish let's start the show that was a big that was a big finish hey uh so it's 2016 all right um come up with a name for it can we uh review before we get to the naming ceremony like how grifty we got in this the year of the grift we did a live show a lot of live shows and I feel like I feel like a lot of tricking people into paying to watch us sit at a table and make goofs is pretty grifty that's true and speaking of thank you to everybody who came to our candlelight special in our beautiful hometown of Huntington West Virginia we made a lot of memories but I based on what I saw on Twitter a lot of people made a lot of Huntington memories and those are my favorite memories for people that obtain um we also had

special guests uh things I bought at Sheets there and I asked uh I especially have my daddy ask everybody to film it put on youtube and nobody did so now it's a lost episode if you were there you got the lost episode of uh uh uh things I bought at Sheets and in case you're wondering at the end of last week's episode when I thanked the druids that's because during things I bought at Sheets there were druids that kidnapped white I lost a time you should not have explained that because that was my maybe my favorite moment in any episode we've ever done where you just inexplicably thanked some druids um but I owe we to Tinos that was the ultimate con right we've got them to pay us I don't want to divulge numbers because according to our NDA we can't put like $500,000 just to talk

about how millow just to talk about how fucking tasty the whole pizza pillows are so should we decide what 2016 is going to be or each put out whatever our pitch is and then let the people decide we don't need to gamify this shit we don't need you have to have one each this is like fucking jazz baby it's like a jazz baby okay well let's just hit some ideas all right and then we'll see maybe even stick flicks to 20 flicks team catch up on that cue catch up on the cue not bad let me hit you with this this is a serious suggestion 20 sucks team let's just get through it oh man no see wait okay if you if you go into your thinking fuck let's just get through this one year yeah and then some good things happen in it you'll be like whoa not like you'll get to December

be like yeah not as bad as I thought it was gonna be pretty good but I feel like that's a little too negative for what we what we usually bring let me throw this out this is my pitch 20 16 building bridges that is very good what am I building bridges to no no no no no no no no we're building a sex dummy of Jeff bridges well no hold on wait 20 sex team getting it no 2016 build a sex dummy of Jeff bridges for you a very specific goal yeah but and you're gonna need to I mean a lot of these parts they don't sell at the hope depot could you also do Todd bridges if that's your if that's more your speed I don't see why not that's the guy from sea quest right I think so if you build a sex dummy of Jeff bridges what would it be called might is dumb and hornier so don't try to steal that one

that's pretty good um 20 what other words sound like six I mean that's the root of this 20 16 get up in it 20 mixed team oh get in the mix okay what is that look like practically what does that mean well it's that idea of like when you're like oh I want to join that group but like I'm afraid that I won't 20 dicks teen okay I'm just saying dicks rhymes with six I don't really have a yours didn't seem as practical as mine now there's no use case for 20 dicks teen but uh no I don't think that that one is is a fertile uh we need something general something universal let me hit you with this 20 ricks teen where's all my ricks at yeah this is just for reaching out specifically to ricks and rick bass listeners of this program yeah 20 ricks teen where are my ricks at so ricks

richards rickery's any any like variant yeah all my ricks let me hear you I did math teacher named rickery smith no you didn't I did you've taught me good math um uh 20 20 twitch teen get those caramalas sons of bitches I like that 20 hicks teen back to your roots I like back to your roots I like the idea like we that's okay let's start from like the practical application and then work backwards to the word because right now we're just saying a bunch of gobbledygook garbage and I want it I want it to have like a a meaty thing like I people this year were on their grift and that was because of us um uh I want there to be a use 20 um what do we want people to do this year love one another just love one another hug more hug more hug more score lots of

babes 20 chicks no just come on ladies pile in this Lamborghini which one this one this one no not that one that's not mine hop in the backseat baby there's no backseat it's a lambo 20 picks teen or it didn't count do you like saying like take lots of pictures I guess right now I'm just trying to think of things that sound like six oh yeah yeah well let me hit you with this then 20 freaks teen hey Hollywood it's time to let Brenda Fricker back into movies I she's listen what she did I'm not here to excuse it it was heinous what she did it's inexcusable but it's time she's served her time and it's time to let her back into the picture 20 freaks teen back in the picture what about 2016 cut it out cut it out Hollywood let her back in wait I really like 2016

2016 is like just cut it out because everybody's got something that they just want to stop doing and they always complain like it's the thing that people are making like I wish I could stop like you can yeah that is next teen it's next teen it's time to stop I like next teen too because it has other applications for instance if the basketball team the knickerbockers do like a lot of good dunks and they win the basketball championship then it can be like of the year of the year then be like hey we knew it also I'm planning on getting very into Fleetwood Mac this year so that would also work for me in that regard maybe you're a big fan of Richard Millhouse Nixon yeah another possibility but wait a minute the mix if it's 20 mixed teen then you can get real into Mick

Fleetwood so you have a lot of different options with regarding Fleetwood Mac well this is great we'll just keep it 20 Knicks slash mixed teen depending on what key you hit on the keyboard I think I want people to chase their passions that's what I want for this year I've just decided okay a lot a lot of people are just sort of stuck in a rut doing their same thing sort of suspending this thing that they want to do either or some sort of creative vision a romantic vision whatever they whatever they know they're gonna get to eventually but guess what you're putting it off a little too long um and so I want people to really jump at it okay well how do you translate that to a pun um what about this 20 quicks teen don't wait up wait oh I thought you're going for

like a quixotic kind of thing that could be it too 20 quicks teen don't wait up it's all about like stop delaying your shit and move quickly what about 2016 appreciating the music of the world's greatest rock band see I feel like that's not as good okay 2016 it's time we forget no it's not time we forgive thick thick you're still in the doghouse buddy I think 2016 building bridges probably as good as it's gonna get and I like the idea of of coming back and doing something nice after this year this selfish year of self-satisfaction at the expense of other people like Totino's we like to give all of linear time a narrative arc right so this is it just had sort of a dark turn a heel turn now it's time to make a face turn a positive year so just like a sneak preview

what are you guys planning on what bridges are you building personally uh I've had a running feud with Elliot Kalin um I'm probably gonna squash that beef over what uh well I think he's the greatest okay so that's a bad bridge that's like that's not like you have teleportation pads between you you don't need a bridge it sounds like okay that's fair Justin bridge can I make a suggestion maybe this is the year that we finally patch things up with jugglers ooh we've had a long sort of um it's been a rough few years between us and jugglers just but mainly because uh their hobby is ridiculous those things those things are supposed to be on the ground we're on shelves or you're supposed to hold one of them at a time maybe two tops it's

only impressive to like feudal kings from hundreds of years ago yes the internet now and you you're you're we have no need of you that's the only problem with jugglers is that they're wasting their time and our time right and sometimes people get hurt with those things yeah um but so that's been our stance so far I what I'm saying is like maybe we just reach out to jugglers this year just try to work it out well it's not 2016 yet yeah we still have two more days to just fucking hate those guys I I will say I see a path forward because I saw that youtube video of that guy standing in a cone I'm like juggling shit like around the cone around himself and I was like all right all right all right I see I see what you're doing here we can talk about that

whoa we can we can we can figure something out here you may have some place in the internet age yet um jugglers so that guy I guess is gonna be the keystone in my beautiful bridge um so if you're a juggler maybe we could have like a juggler gasper who's like a sick juggler um I could reach out to cone guy I'm sure there's a contact info out there somewhere problem is I feel like but you know he talks like oh you make sure you're on the podcast now why would every juggler why do they all sound why do they sound like that though are you a ball and another ball there I can hold them all at once juggleroo that's all they all sound they do all say juggleroo a lot juggleroo juggleroo now it's time for juggleroo and they that works that's actually

something I like if you move a muscle well they start this little incantation they're like no wait come back I worked real hard at this and I need you to ingest it yeah um did they all are they all kind of sick like what's going on with their like actual the the tone and meter of their voice their their their approach to social interaction has become warped from hours not if not days of hiding in a darkened room yeah and throwing balls up in the air and catching them so they've forgotten how people talk yeah and that makes sense actually now I think about it let's do some advice now that we're down with 2016 building bridges uh I'm just I'm just saying I like the theme we're going with but if I do build a sex dummy of Jeff Bridges yeah that that actually

counts towards the original goal okay yeah well if I use them to if I use this sex dummy to cross a small gap well actually Jeff Bridges publicly stated the other day that he was sad that no one's ever made a sex dummy of him so well I'm saying it before it served two functions one I would fuck the shit out of it yeah number two I have a small creek in my backyard that I can lay him over and cross from one side to the other cross the gap safely uh so untouched by creek water Travis how do you feel my friend I feel like shit Justin let's just do the show I know I'm just trying to be I want to be honest about the conditions to earn ourselves some good will okay this is true there's a very good reason we weren't able to record on Monday yeah and a good

reason why this episode is probably gonna be pretty short is because we're all fucking just disintegrating yeah and my baby has a incredibly high fever and has sucks eight days everything sucks over it baby let's help people help us fix us I work in an office which involves writing letters to people down the office walk to co-work whoa this is like a tense shift I'm not used to these in the questions hell yeah down the office walk to co-worker who has her sexy so right oh nice and we made eye contact as is polite on a normal circumstance no no you're slipping off for having me for this question I did a little smile however this was wrong at the time we made eye contact and I smiled I happened to be licking an envelope to seal it she looked terrified

yes correct I think she may think I was smiling at the bottom licking her 2016 no how do I convince her it was an accident and I'm not a creeper that's from skeezy and salivating in Sheffield and the ship has sailed my friend too late shit I'm gonna print this email out and put it in the garbage can the garbage can this is actually I think one of the examples shown in every HR video when you first get hired at any job of like what not to do I guess I guess fellas I don't want to get blue here but there's a very there's a vitally important piece of information that we are lacking when trying to picture this image mentally and that was and again I don't want to get blue but what was the orientation of the envelope while you were licking it because if it was one way I could

write it off as an accident but if it's the other way was it an accident you're a dirty bird you're a dirty envelope bird yeah you're I I I think that it's this is done if you turn that shit 90 degrees I'm saying and you have fucking cherry pie playing on Spotify then I can't it's inexcusable and I'm gonna put you in the fucking fricker jail because that sucks that's that's no that's no good no good is impossible is there a chance that this moment registered with this woman and then it was gone how do you mean like she's not thinking about this nearly as much as the question ask her is that's true I was impossible because I want you and I want everybody listening to simulate this right now using their actual face okay I want you to pretend you're making eye contact with somebody

but this is the more important part I want you to smile with your mouth and also try to lick something at the same time nope oh yeah you're right uh oh you look like venom no you done fucked up real bad oops Daisy you look like venom um the problem here is that you can't go talk to her now I'm like hey yesterday when uh when I was licking the envelope I wasn't thinking about you or anything like there is nothing you can say to make it less creepy you will only make it more creepy yeah I mean unfortunately there's nothing we can do for you at this moment except to just sort of like I can pass on my personal sort of style uh which is all of this could have been avoided or at least mostly avoided if you just hadn't made eye contact with her or anybody else for the rest of your life why

were you trying to make eye contact with people while licking an envelope yeah I should be down right that's bad in the first place but your eyes should always be down no matter what because then you still would have been doing that crazy thing with your mouth and I hate that but at least you wouldn't have been like fucking no scoping it at this woman are we agreed that like I've been racking my brain I have nothing you're hosed right you gotta like brush up your resume you should be happy you still have a job yeah forget I'm trying to salvage a relationship with this person you're employed yeah it's bad it's not great it's not great though it's not a great hold like the whole situation is pretty well you gotta do is you gotta lean into it uh oh the next time she

comes back down the hallway grab the closest envelope go to town yeah oh god then you can just try to convince that you have pika and you'd like some the nutrients in in there to to uh to be able to to function as as a person do you guys think how much money would you pay me if as a dare I licked envelopes at a 90 degree angle for a whole year I guess it wouldn't matter because I worked from home it's not like anybody would observe the act but what if I went to the post office every day and did it in like face to face with the post office employees and I was just like what that's how I make sure they get real good and sealed up this is this is how I seal my packages I don't know I wouldn't pay you to do that yeah it'd be like a love I love you yeah but

it'd be like a fun like wild boys stunt no it sounds terror it sounds mean to the post office employees I guess so do you guys want a yahoo yes please I'm sitting by Zoe kinsky climbing that ladder Zoe kinsky she posted in the the mbm appreciation group on facebook which is a great group if you're not a member of it they did a candle night's secret sand exchange and she posted she got a custom made shirt that says climbing that ladder on it which made me very happy yeah thank you Zoe it's by yahoo answers user Andres who asks does dressing up as Tommy Pickles get you a five-day suspension from school what in my in my high school we have things called oh no in my high school we have things called sorry in my high school he have things called

spirit weeks we're based on what the theme is the students come dressed as said theme for spirit points and whichever class gets the most points wings a free trip to king's dominion um that's pretty sweet yeah that's actually pretty dope apparently on a thursday seniors had to go as 90s nicolodian I went as Tommy Pickles during lunchtime I got up and walked over to the table with the singing sheets sign-in sheets what since I like singing sheets because it makes their whole school sound like an Arthurian legend yeah um navigate since I was wearing only adult diapers and a blue shirt the whole cafeteria saw that and the principal that gets and the principal that gets me a five-day suspension everyone keeps saying the punishment was too rash and so do I so I ask is it

p.s. I didn't come to school in diapers I changed in a nearby bathroom everyone is saying it was a first-time dress code violation which results in a warning and to be sent home for the rest of the day okay he says everyone saw that he means his balls and yeah he pulled he pulled out his whole penis and his both his big juicy balls I listen I understand that this is the first time dress called violation and I am admittedly not someone who is overseeing your school uh in a rules fashion um you can violate the dress code there are violations of dress code and then they're showing up in an adult diaper yeah like you can't you don't get off with a warning for that like that implies that you were somehow uh uh misled about the specifics of the dress code well a bit a bigger

problem is he made it to lunch before he got in trouble that's yeah well he had a big audience there and you know this motherfucker was putting on a show but Justin has a great point it's not like everybody gets one free pass to get out their dick and balls or vagina and then be like oops that's my one I'll go put my pants on like no there's some some violations are so severe that you have to be given the maximum punishment like right right away right away by which I mean death you have to be wait you have to be killed no sorry yes maybe a wolf school by the singing sheets singing sheets they spirit your soul away you you must march through the singing sheets into wolf school it's really bad in there um what what okay why do they kill you in wolf school

I don't it's I don't know but like why have the why have his teachers failed him so badly why have all the other people like are they just different whoa well did he just did he just intimidate an entire school of people into submission by wearing a diaper was that like it was so intense they couldn't handle it they had such a big move that he made that it made such a big move that's way too cool get him out of here my favorite thing about this story is like the rooty-esque like collabo that all the other the whole rest of the student body is doing where they are like I don't know mr. adkins that punishment seems really harsh this one's for tommy pickles if the if he's suspended I'm suspended to walk out gang we're having a walk out

because high school I'm gonna crawl out yeah high schoolers need like no reason to have a walk out it's like yeah we'll protect what are we protesting whatever we all are leaving school right they can't punish all of us or they all show up the next day in diapers yeah also I love that idea I think there are a couple different times at Huntington High where someone tried to like like encourage everyone to do a walk out and do like they can't punish all of us and now looking back all I can think is if I were like a high school staff member and all the kids just weren't there one day but I was still there getting paid that would be like the best day yeah I would just get drunk that would be like a top-notch day I would get drunk or than I usually am on any given school day

that would be a great day except you're still like legally on the hook for whatever happens to those kids I don't think that's how that works no that's not true like if a kid stays home sick you don't have to like go down and make sure that they don't like rob somebody that's different they're playing hooky their parents think they're at school you think they're uh you know at home you're on the hook for that as a school what if there was a school-wide walkout and also a zoo-wide bear walkout and all the bears left the zoo at the same time the students all left and then the two groups met in the middle who's on the hook for that I ask you yeah that's a that's just a good point Justin I'm gonna read the best answer on this uh is uh yahoo answers user and fucking legal expert father who responds

this is kind of tough but honestly the answer is yes think about it you essentially came to school in nothing but underwear and a t-shirt you really should have used a little foresight like wearing pants underneath or at least a pair of shorts hi father hi daddy um have you seen the uh Nickelodeon television program rug rats because what you just said is crazy Tommy what are you wearing these are pants I wear pants now you're like a little thing called artistic pride yeah you're wearing pants under your diaper that's crazy if you wear if you're wearing shorts under your diaper and a blue shirt you're nothing you look like a crazy person yeah yeah and you and you certainly don't have spirit by this person just having like a little bit of cloth in between their

juicy balls in the whole world that's art that's Banksy basically is what I'm saying yeah that's how Banksy got started that's how he got to start that's how Banksy got his groove back uh-huh he's done it twice how about another question over the holidays a lot of people brought in baked goods to work to for everyone to enjoy while eating a cookie to brag you're braggy about it while eating a cookie made of one of my co-workers I felt something hard in my mouth after rooting around a bit I found an ordinary household staple and not a staple like rice or grain but an actual staple uh long story short I told the person who made the cookies and now almost everyone in the office knows my conundrum was this was I right tell her it's not like she

could do anything about it after the fact and she didn't throw away the rest of the cookies or even remove them what the fuck that's from cookie conundrum you're good they're not that sucks right as you read the question you get to the part where it's like everyone in the office knows you're like oh I'm embarrassing and then you get to the part where the person made him said uh-huh yeah what do you want me to do and didn't like move the cookies or throw them away or anything and it's like oh she put that stable in there because she hates you Derek it's not let no that's not a dress like the the person who made the cookies may have taken a ten of them and tossed them in the trash no he says that there she she didn't throw away the rest of the cookies or even

removed yeah homie it literally says that exact thing you just said it didn't say okay yeah I see that now who read the question I guess I just wasn't paying attention this person's history is greatest monster this is the worst are you kidding me if I go to Arby's right now and I bite into one of their big big buffaloes their big beavers and I chomp down on one of those and I pull a fucking staple or any foreign object out of my mouth they illegally have to get rid of all of the sliced meat in the building yeah your day is made though like because that from that because you got them on the hook yeah I got freebie for life but this that doesn't apply here it's not gonna be like Linda you gotta cook me cookies for the rest of my life this is a fucking

wookiee life bond I almost died because you're a dumb staple cookie now I need cookies hot and fresh two of them sitting on my desk every morning I completely disagree with uh telling about the staple completely disagree was that just because you would not do it no it's okay think think about this way okay uh one option is you don't say anything and they did something you know they're trying to do something nice maybe they were maybe they're a little bit slow or in their twilight years they're they're not as like observance they used to be and they accidentally left a staple in there we all have staples on our clothes you find them from time to time hold up what we all have fine stages you know when you get bored and you stable your shirt you know you know

when you actually put a staple so you like you like that's like you could have just thrown away that staple they would have felt good you would have felt like morally vindicated like you did a nice thing for somebody and had their back for once and that that would be great the alternate because like the alternate concept is that you need to tell them because they have dumped many many staples right and like if they did that they know they did and they don't care like they know the jig is up once everybody starts but the factor is they almost killed you if it's late at night and you're walking down the the the county road no we're all almost killing please you're walking on that county road at night just trying to fucking clear your head

because you've just gotten a big fight with your sister and you're just walking down that road damn it glinda ah not again not like this then all of a sudden who's that over the hill it's Barbara your co-worker and she hits you with her car and drives off oh she got scared it could happen to anybody what's that you survived your nurse back to health by a family of wolves on vacation from wolf school and then what's that you come back into the office two days later a little banged up but but still alive you wouldn't go up to barbara and be like hey b what the fuck you almost kill me with your car out on the county road you're suggesting you just let bygones be bygones because we've all hit somebody on the county road late at night nothing the two situations are completely

different no i think that i think that tracks i think everyone's absolutely correct thank you travis it's attempted murder is what it is even if it's accidental you still attempted it i i think there's precedent that almost eating a stable and getting hit by a car and driving off are basically in the same wheelhouse now i'm not going to say that it's the same severity but they're definitely related i'm going to say that the defense rests your honor there's another option here what if you went up to barbara and you're like barbara um i found a found a staple in the cookie and she went that mischievous ghost okay and there was just a ghost dumping staples into the cookies is it just staple that seems like a really specific form of haunting like the way does it dump like dice

in there occasionally like what's it well he's just he's more of a harlequin figure he's just stirring up the pot and creating trouble making but making wreaking havoc you're saying but staple based havoc well you use what you've got access to and barbara's been stealing office supplies that makes sense actually he has thin reedy arms so he can't lift a lot of things that what would normally you know what's he gonna do put a printer in there come on absolutely not barbara's stole a fucking printer well barbara's got sticky fingers cry yeah but fucking crime of the century that's incredible how does he have what if him barbara where barbara's comes from that's a very lucky thing that's how i would play it if i was barbara oh like finding the baby the king cake you found

ungunter staple that's uh the one lucky staple is how it loosely translate for my people and uh you'll have good good good fortune all throughout the year and then they raised him up on his shoulders and and admired his broken teeth good news everybody rick found the ungunter staple rick rick rick rick rick rick rick rick oh shit we gotta take rick to the hospital he's too lucky luck is bleeding from his face uh let's go to the money zone hell yeah many problems that you experience in your day today starting your head it doesn't feel that way it feels sometimes like they start at your gut or your butt but it's not it's your head fear and anger stress anxiety depression all these leads to the dark side all these leads to the dark

side uh how do you stay on the light side headspace it's it's meditation made simple these are guided meditations you can listen to whenever you want wherever you want right on your phone computer or tablet and let me say i i've been doing meditation uh for almost a decade now thanks tim allen thanks tim allen and um what i really really like about headspace is it's very user friendly even if you're the type of person who's like i don't know if i could sit still for that long i don't know if i could get into it but it's it's so well guided um but not in an obtrusive way it's very easy to get i'm a huge proponent of meditation generally speaking but also headspace specifically i was using headspace before they reached out to us about uh advertising on the show so i was really

really excited to have an excuse to to talk about them meditation in general i think is is uh uh something that a lot of people could use in their lives and headspace makes it really easy they have this starter program that you can download uh on their headspace app for free and it's a take 10 program it's 10 days of guided meditation if you could just go to headspace.com slash my brother and uh you can get all the details there you i i guarantee this is you know i don't say this with a lot of advertisers or a lot of things in anything this could legitimately change your life if you've been here and talk people talk about meditation this is a killer way to get started now travis has authored a guest guided meditation program uh as part of this starter bundle uh and at least it is

tim alan themed i know you're wondering is it tim alan themed let me would you like to hear a clip of it now it goes um oh do you want to do it or yeah here's the clip okay calm yourself breathe in yes the breath is what it's all based on feel the power of the breath uh uh uh uh uh that's it yeah that's better than my thanks i'm glad you took that joke and ran with it uh that address again is headspace.com slash my brother uh check out the free headspace have and try the take 10 program and uh let us know what you think because i think uh you'll be really pleased all right you're done meditating let's get fucked up we're gonna tell you all about club w club w's got all that sweet wine juice you need to get fucking completely turned this probably isn't the tone that they wanted

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wine that's affordable yeah and delicious and will impress you and they figure out what you're gonna want by uh by doing a quick six question survey you can go to club w.com answer those questions they'll put together a palette for you and they'll start sending you wines and right now club w is offering mabin bam listeners 50 off your first order if you go to club w.com slash my brother that's club w.com slash my brother and you'll get 50 off your first order please drink responsibly don't be a dingus yeah don't be a ding dong about it drink responsibly just get fucked up in your own home when you're like watching netflix or whatever um got another message here this one's for eric and it's from sarah sarah says to eric hey big bro marry candle knights we are still

technically in the candle knights window i think today's last day actually uh it has no beginning and no end oh that's right um it is eternal it is always and never hey big bro marry candle knights as i write this it's august so you just moved to toronto and i miss you already i hope you are super merry out there in the distant future presumably we are all having holiday merry making with laser trees and hover tensile i hope it's awesome love little sister i love that that's so sweet i'm extremely happy to i'm a cockles and robo futuristic and i could have done without what you just said if i'm being frank cockles yeah cockles yeah i don't know why there's nothing wrong with cockles nothing wrong with cockles there's like seven ain't another wrong window

cockles okay nothing wrong read the second thing cockles cockles stop stopping next thing i send you this message next message i got a message for kasey it's from seara you're probably listening to this while you're working hard to take home that sweet sweet bacon know that you are truly a badass and that your badassry has exceeded only by your handsome face and your kind huge heart okay merry christmas or whatever depending on when this message is read i love you the last slide of this is brothers help me punch it up with the joke or something right as far as i get i get i think i get sort of the shape of the message they were trying to send to us there discreetly okay all right so punch it up with the like where can we get a joke in that mess is there

a joke in there we're not really good at making up jokes yeah not if like not if we're told to because we're kind of fucking rebellious um i like to imagine that kasey works at like some sort of pig destruction like pig pig annihilation facility where the meats where the meats are claimed and then processed um into into literal or maybe maybe maybe it's that antique reclaimed meat oh i see it just sort of takes the the scrapple the leavens yeah where it's like oh we found this scrapple in an old school that we tore down and now we've cleaned it up we've got some reclaimed bacon yeah that's great if you want to make a coffee table out of that or like a headboard yeah or a meat bacon sweet sweet bacon so it's bacon but it's i was gonna make a like a joke about something

that would be silly to do with bacon but okay everybody's done fucking everything silly with bacon there's like nothing i could say here that wouldn't be like you could turn it into shaving cream and then there's like a guy with a handlebar machine i was like actually we've been making bacon based shaving cream out of our uh uh uh brooklyn that's good stuff yeah all of this is joke-like so i think we're similar to a joke right yes we've fulfilled the charge a tie is a pedantic person i think when he pronounces these words it's it's in a very show-off-y way gyro hero sacre bleu sacre bleu air's rock ooh la rule what you are witnessing is real the participants are not actors they are actual litigants

with real cases they call in via skype to judge john hodgeman's court the real people's court now i call you to judge john hodgeman's internet court find it at maximumfun.org or wherever you download podcasts do you guys want a yahoo yes please this yahoo was sent in by a couple of people actually matt stout and chloe smith guitar guitar chloe smith guitar and matt stout matt i'm sorry i didn't say your name like four times uh thank you both of you it's by yahoo answers user joe who asks is having an imaginary enemy worse than having an imaginary friend uh worse in what context i mean categorically it's probably worse right like yeah you got this fucking specter that only you can see that's just trying to mess with your shit all day but you know what i get it

okay let me explain why there's a little uh called classic called red dwarf right and the whole premise is that there's a spoiler there's a dude who's like the last surviving guy on a space station on a spaceship and the hologram that the computer brings back is not the people he liked the most but his roommate that he never got along with and they constantly bicker because because they constantly bigger that's what kind of keeps it you know keeps it interesting there's that odd couple shit yeah so you get that enemy who's like a friend to you so like yeah like the people in justified i've had an imaginary friend since i was four years old named marcus uh big marcus uh i mean he was big when i was a little kid because like when i was a little kid marcus was 36 years old

but now i'm like kind of catching up to him a little bit now he's just marcus he's ageless and now yeah we're similar sizes um uh so yeah he's 36 one day i'm gonna be an old man i'm gonna talk to marcus i'm gonna be jealous of his youth anyway marcus means a lot to me um but i can't help but think like what if i had an imaginary enemy also named spark is well sportica dwayne the rock johnson what if it was the rock or what if it was triple h we'll say triple h i did the rock the rock based humor is a little bit overused a little bit yeah so my i have an imaginary enemy enemy gold dust and then i could just it's great for two reasons one gold dust is like gonna fucking constantly be coming at me and that that pressure i'm gonna feel it's kind of like two

blades sharpening against each other am i and then when i'm attacked by real life gold dust or real life triple h or any wwe roster member i'll be able to fucking take him on because i'll know the moves secondly i can make marcus and triple h just fight whenever i want and just watch it but what if it was more of a psychological enemy than it was a physical enemy and you just had someone like next to you all day waiting me are you really gonna wear that shirt same same principle applies because then i'll learn some good real life teardowns and then like if i fucking run into shameless and he cuts in line at like best buy or whatever i can just like tear his shit apart because i've had practice doing it wait is shameless real yeah he's a real one are you sure yeah he's got red

harry's current champ or he was i don't know i haven't watched in a while anyway um one of the one of the great things about having um gold dust coming at you 24 seven yeah is that whenever you like you get into one of those times where people are comparing like how rough they're having it currently or like what a bad weekend they had they've had like you say well you know i couldn't get in the restaurant i wanted to and everybody forgot my birthday and you can always sort of tack on at the end and also i have gold dust coming at me yeah 24 seven i mean it can get makes everything way more impressive anything you can accomplish it can make things kind of uncomfortable every now oh fuck no not now gold dust come on come on

hey everything all right i mean it is scared for a second i thought a spider jumped on you no it's i mean even worse it was a man dressed up in like gold grease paint and stuff i fucking got him though i know he's fucking weighs now because i'm way bigger than i when i was seven i used to just get fucking dunked on but now yeah that's right motherfucker wait gold dust has been coming at you since you were seven listen i had to mature really really quickly gold dust seems like a weird vicious predator yeah i'm a childhood man the type of like vicious predator that only a child could envision i'm a little bit winded yeah but here's the problem

you get so used to the the daily almost like hourly momentary attacks yeah that one day when it doesn't come you'll miss it well no i can't we have a schedule i keep him it's my fault it's it's it was 10 before the hour and but what i'm saying is what if one day he moves on griffin and and your imaginary friend is no longer there and he's not attacking you i guess i'm just gonna have to fucking i'm gonna have to fucking spar with marcus at that point marcus is a lover not a fighter right he loses every time i make him and gold dust fight each other sometimes marcus like stands in for me if i'm you know sick or whatever um boy i love watching those two rowdy boys fight though oh happen when you say weird shit everyone's on board but when i say weird

shit they're like stop talking about mangoes travis i don't well mine was real mine was like a real thing that i deal with all the time yeah griffin's was was a few fortune and truth yes um can we circle back around to this next year like what has happened what are we doing what do you mean it's 2016 what is it like we're about to end this episode and we still have an answer for that question i mean we did answer it 2015 building bridges are we like are we 100% certain on that though i want something with a positive message i was suggested while you're in the turlet 20 quicks teen stop putting it off and because you know 20 quicks teen you gotta be quick now it sucks too much pressure yeah it's like a pressure it's a pressure thing i don't really like

i feel like 2016 is good building bridges because you only have to do it once so you only have to work up the courage to do it once during the year you build one bridge and then they build one bridge oh so we'll make it 2015 building bridge yeah you can't be plural you have to build at least two bridges yeah that's a good point but you could build two half bridges and then they meet each other in the middle i don't think there's such a thing as a half bridge yeah it's just a dock that was funny that was funny that was funny drows thank you um it's time to get hard what happens when you're on dayquil yeah you gotta get hot this is the year we go hard on people who own docks like come on just finish it here's a hammer here's some wood it's time to finish it

um 2016 building bridges is good because like you can also mean like you've got that fucking you've had that hole in your garage for two years fucking take care of it it's time to take care of it put a bridge on it because let me tell you justin to your earlier point about this being 2016 and this year's gonna suck you're wrong this is the year where we fucking batten down the hatches for 2017 where oh my god it's going to get real it is time to doomsday prep the shit out of 2016 i don't agree with that and i'd rather than i think that way okay but i think every year it's gonna be better than the year before well that's the way it's been for me so far you were the one who pitched 20 sucks team that was about setting expectations thank you griffin yes it was about

lowering expectations and enjoying the year more as a result of this sort of like stoic uh perception of of the situation but uh i i think that uh 2016 building bridges i'm glad we have another sub colon on a year i think that's very uh uh important um should we wrap up i know you got place you gotta place to be we all got i know it's kind of a short one lay down yeah it's been a short one but we had like we had like one hour to record today we are barely here uh who do we what do we usually do here uh well this is the part where first off i thank everybody for coming to candle lights thank you again uh thank you to uh a big thank you you know i didn't mention it um repeatedly but thank you so much to the folks on the uh my brother my brother me appreciation group that helped

with uh filling the empty stockings uh the mb mba and angels who helped fill the empty stockings especially valerie harness and all the other um volunteers to help make that possible uh we really like uh i say we i didn't do that much but the the folks in that group and uh uh they even some of the people in that group like uh jessica brought a bag of clothes when she went to candle nights to drop off at uh one of the charities when we talk to people like when we're in town for the holidays we talk to people like we've known our whole lives from honeyton they talk about that shit so thank you so much um thank you to gosh um everybody we got a bunch of gifts from from folks and they were so sweet and so amazing um and and we'll we'll uh we'll read all those off in the

next episode we literally are out of time um to do it which i know sounds ungrateful and shitty but thank you all so so so much um for we like spent like an hour opening presents uh the the day that we all open presents from from everybody that had sent it to our po box it was super cool and we appreciate it so much and um we'll have time to be more grateful soon i also want to say a quick congratulations to dexter who beat me and then my brother my brother me fantasy football league championship it was fucking close it was a nail biter man yeah it was he won by like one point it's rough congratulations dexter um i want to thank john roger can the long winters for the use of our theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed uh we signed a

couple copies of that during candle nights a lot of people train those as gifts which i i like it's a good it's a good gift good album go listen to the other maximum fun shows go to maximum fun dot org they're all free they're all super great and amazing uh and let's let's wrap up that's gonna do first thank you so much griffin do you have a final question for final one it was sent in by rachel syska thank you rachel it's by yahoo answers user prometheus who asks why does the full house and family matters theme sound the same are they the same i'm just a macaroy i'm travis macaroy i'm just a macaroy it's been my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips

maximum fun dot org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported the three of you into a cave of a big red dragon and is standing over a horde of precious golden rubies and he says what do you do adventures i'm a dragon man i cast fire on him it's very good i address the red dragon to say us we're the host of the adventure zone a podcast about family playing dungeons and very good synergy commit to the bit i i i rolled a charm new listeners it is very effective against all odds everybody wear the macaroy as we host the adventure zones a podcast where we play dungeons dragons together it's a comedy podcast we don't take the rules too seriously because there's a lot of them and we did not take the time to learn them maybe listen to us we come out

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