My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 284: Hope and Slime

Episode Date: January 4, 2016

We're kicking off 20-Fixteen: Building Bridges by providing bespoke advice for some very specific groups of people: Former members of ska bands, grandma pill vendors, sleepyheads and the 12 slimy duplicates of Michael Jordan. All of you: You're welcome. Suggested talking points: Poppin', Shovel Courtesy, Beetlejuicier, Nap Genius, Barack Clonebama, Space Down

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Who's that whispering in the trees? It's too sad, isn't there? I'll leave. Hi everybody, welcome to my brother, my brother, me and my show for the Modular. I'm the Cherry Pop and Daddy's. I'm the Squirrel Nut Zippers, Travis McElroy. And I'm Scabies, Gryffin McElroy. Now, you might not be familiar with Scabies.

Is it like Scabies? That was the play on words. That's my Scaband from 1997. We came in kind of at the tail end of Swinger's Mania. That was the name of my band was Scabies, and nobody ever came to any of our shows, and we did like 150 of them. Think about the ancillary costs of being the Cherry Pop and Daddy's. Think about how many people they forced to say those words. Think about the fact that at one point, Casey Kasem, God rest his soul, probably had to say the Cherry Pop and Daddy's. They're having a moment where he turned to his producers like, I'm not going to say this. I'm not going to do this. I'm an adult. Coming in at number one,

my refusal to say Cherry Pop and Daddy's. Don't we have anything by the mighty, mighty Boss Tones? I don't find that displeasurable. Casey, we've talked to you about this. Please phrase all conversations in the form of a top 40 list. Well, I mean, it was either that or Hyman Wreckers. That's the worst. That's the way, wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop. Hyman Wreckers is worse than Cherry Pop and Daddy's. Mine is at least clinical in nature. Well, that's true, but Cherry Pop and Daddy's, I think, doesn't start this sort of gleeful, almost Robin Hood-esque, roguish, as if one Cherry has been popped, and they've leapt into the trees to go pop

cherries another day before the sheriff of Nottingham can catch them. For my money, it's not the Cherry Pop part of their nom de plume that I disagree with and wish to throw into a lake somewhere. It's the Daddy's part, because why does it have to be that? They're both bad, both parts of it, but why do you have to have the Daddy's on the end of it, too? Because that's genuinely upsetting, in combination with the earlier two words. Agreed. Why couldn't it be the Cherry Pop and Friends, the Cherry Pop and Guys? Why couldn't it just be like the good time down home ska band? It's swing time. That would certainly be ideal, wouldn't it?

You could guess what the Cherry Pop and Daddy's are up to for 100 years, and not guess the most recent fact on their Wikipedia, which is, in a Huffington Post interview, the lead singer of the Cherry Pop and Daddy's said, my plan is to do a Psycho Billy slash Zappa slash American Idiot slash Arkham type record that paints a picture of the American sociopolitical scene circa 2014. Yay! Wait, why 2014? You're two years behind already, Cherry Pop and Daddy's. These guys do swing music. They're not really up to date. Well, this interview happened in 1999. How did he know? 15 years in the future. Let me tell you. Cherry Pop and Daddy's are unstuck in time. It's gonna get all fucked up, guys. Social media. We're all gonna be real dicks to each other for

a long time. He also mentioned in that same interview from 2014 that he had recently obtained the rights to Zoot Zoot Riot, and so I bet, I mean, just in time, I guess. Oh my god, I'm reading the lyrics to Zoot Zoot Riot right now. Hold on. And this song was released in the late 90s, and one of the verses starts out, hashtag snapchat sexting too. So like, they like are, they are able to see through time. They have pierced, they have pierced the veil of time. Do you remember their hit song, Our First Black President? Oh my god. Yeah. That one had a, that one had a nice beat I could dance to. Oh god. Oh no. This song, they have a song called the 2017 All Flue, and it's the dark All Flue will consume the globe.

Oh shit. None left but the bugs and rats. Oh no. That was one of their ballads. But they have a song right here that's, they have a song right here that said Carly Rae Jepsen will have the Summer Jam of 2016. So like, I'm fucking super on board with that. Got that to look forward to. Yeah, before the All Flue consumes, just consumes us all, at least we'll have like some good tunes to go out to. Thanks, Cherrypop and Nostradamai. Yeah, you guys are great. As you certainly guessed by now, this is an advice show. How the fuck did we, like, what was the, why did we start talking about Cherrypop and Natties? What was the, what was the scene? The better question is, why did we stop talking about Cherrypop and Natties? It's a whole episode.

I'll tell you, I'll tell you Griffin, honestly, the truth is we introduced ourselves, right? Justin McRoy. Yeah, that's when I said that great Scobby's joke. Yeah, that's great. I think they were on my mind because there were a few people campaigning on Twitter that we should never say part the kimono again because they found it morally repugnant. Just the whole phrase and idea. And I didn't understand that, that we also do. Yeah, that's disgusting. That's what I'm struggling with right now is like, it's disgusting and repellent and I'm still using it in this sort of like, how would you, like immersion therapy, like trying to rob it of its power over me by like just really employing it. And I think that was on my mind when I started talking about the Cherrypop

and Natties because I'm trying to like think of just a list. You were making a list of morally repugnant things. Just the repellent things that I need to like overcome in my day-to-day life. Okay, yeah. Oh, you can always, you know, drop part the kimono and get back to put the tiger on the table and yell at it. Was that it? Fuck, I don't know. We got to rewind the tapes. Was ass deep in alligators? I think that was in there. Maybe. Hey, this is crazy, brothers. We got a voicemail this week. That voicemail line. Holy shit. So here's, this is an actual true story. We got a voicemail from somebody this week. If you don't remember, back when the show first started, like a little long, long, long, long, long time ago, we had a voicemail line that people could

call and leave us a message. And I think did we, did we edit them into the show? Like, I don't think we did. I don't think we ever did. I think they were just for our enjoyment, but maybe we could like try to do that. No, no, because when we tried to do it last time, it became a fucking repository for people who would do like fucking Whippets and then just like barf garbage in our voicemail. And we had to listen to all of the, like you could hear them like finishing the Whippet as the voicemail started. Like, oh, hey, brothers, what's up? I'm Carolyn and fuck. I'm going to go chill. I need some more slices. No, I think that, so anyway, I got the, I got an email notification that we got a voicemail. I was like, oh shit. So I listened to it and then I was

like, wait a minute, what is the number for the voicemail? I have no clue of what the voicemail box number is. And so there was a phone number in the email notification. I was like, oh shit, that must be it. So I'm going to call it real quick and just, I forgot what the message was and everything. And I, so I called and ring, ring, ring, ring, and then hello. Oh, this isn't what I expected to happen. It turned out that that phone number was the phone number of the person who had left the Google. No, Justin. I just called this person at about 10 30 at night, just like just out of nowhere. Hi, this is Justin. I'm lonely. Hi, this is Justin. Did you call? So do you want to be my friend? Did you have a chat? What? Yeah, we said hi. It's cool, dude.

Very complimentary and would be great if that guy just assumed that like everybody who like everybody was just getting Justin calls all the time. The fucking Justin called them back. The sweet treat for that dude, he didn't even realize what the sweet treat for that dude is that I was a hair's breadth away from tweeting that number out like, Hey, let's do some voicemails again. I miss it. If you can find that number, please tweet it at me. Yeah, that's sad that we don't know. I want to say it's like something, something mabin bam one, something like that. Yeah, I don't remember it. This is this and it's un-Googleable. I've tried to Google it. I couldn't find it there either. Damn it. This is the second winner. I anyway, these are not voicemails. These

is your emails. People have said to mbmbam at maximumfund.org. These are like voicemails, but with words. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Voicemails, you type. Here we go. This is the second winner that I've owned my home. Thankfully, I don't have a very big sexier sidewalk driveway that I need to clear snow from, but despite it's not being very big, it's still something I need to do. What's the neighborly etiquette for removing snow? Some of my neighbors get out there and remove snow so quickly. And I have more of a philosophy of I'll do it when it fits my schedule. If it stows overnight, do I have to take care of it first thing in the morning? I can't wait till I get home from work. I already think my neighbors judge me for not being right on top of those outdoor chores,

like mowing the lawn, raking the leaves, snow removal, etc. Yes. Thank you for including snow removal in the group. I already forgot what these emails are about. I've forgotten what you're talking about. What are some thoughts on neighborly etiquette for removing snow? And that's from all shovel when I get to it in Wisconsin. Well, I think it's important to note that I think it's too different. I think your driveway is one thing and the sidewalk is another because I don't think your neighbors give two shits what you do with your driveway. No, but postwoman Melinda is going to care what's up with your sidewalk. Exactly. Like the old lady that lives next door to you that needs to get down to the corner to catch the bus and has to walk through two feet

of snow because you just decided you'll do it when you get home. That might be an ish. You were the one who decided to live between an old lady's house and a store labeled old lady pills. Bargains. Yeah. What's the name of the store? Old ladies pills underneath that side. There's a smaller side that's colon. Bargains. The subtitle to the store. I was trying to make the store as appealing as I could to old ladies. And I'm about two blocks down. The old lady pill store colon origins. The old lady pill store rises. Have you been to old lady pill store ascended yet? It's a brash new take. It's got webisodes. It's a dark webisode reboot and it's fucking horrible. It's a flash-based 18-part webisodes

series. It's like a choose your own adventure YouTube dive. I don't want to spoil it, but she gets the pills. But not how you might think. My old lady pill store is a Twitch channel where people vote on whether or not the old ladies get pills. There's so many like audience facing old lady pill stores now. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, you gotta just consider the public use section of your zone and then take care of that. That's just common courtesy. That is a different, Travis is right. That's a different thing from like, oh, you let your grass grow too tall and it doesn't look good. I mean, you should still tend to your shit. But it's not as important as like the thing that could kill an old person.

The problem is if you wait too long and if you become known as the dude who like doesn't do it till like 5 30 p.m. or some shit, someone in your neighborhood is going to start doing it for you. And I know that that sounds cool, but that's not going to feel good. Here's what I want you to do. And you turn it into a little fun game. I've been really into gamifying my processes lately. You take a roll of lifesavers and then when you wake up and you got that fresh crisp powder, I want you to close your eyes and spin around 10 times and then just throw it into your yard. And then when you're digging, it's like a little fun game. Where's my lifesavers at? Where's my buried treasure? Where's my fruity reward?

I do that with like most of the things in my life. You hide lifesavers in them? Yeah, like if I wanted, if I need to do them, but I can't like, but I can't like bring myself to do it. Tuck some in the cat litter. Oh, now I'll clean it out. There's pineapples in there. I'm way into just throwing rock salt down because I feel like that even if that doesn't melt enough of the snow and ice, it gives you like a grit and nice gritty sort of grit that is going to minimize. Uh, uh, can you put a sign on your yard that says I work nights? Hey, chill out. Hey, you don't know my situation. I don't know your situation.

Exactly. A sign in your yard, six foot by six foot. It just says I work nights. And then that way that, whoa, wait a minute. That could get you out of a lot of stuff, right? What do you mean? Like somebody comes to the door. You don't feel like it. Like you just can't right now with that. You can't right now with that. Put a sign up in the front yard. It says, I work nights. That means they come to the door. It's during the daytime. They're going to see that sign. They're going to think, Oh, I shouldn't. I really shouldn't bother them. They're probably sleeping. They come back at night and they're, and then you still don't answer. They're like, Oh, shit. He's at work. I should break in. But you're there. But you're there. But you're there.

Uh-oh. Honeypot. That what I'm saying is if you have a sign as a sign that says I work nights, you don't have to do anything anymore. Why is your yard not shuffled? Well, I work nights. So I guess I'll get to it tonight in the freezing cold, if that's what you want from me. I guess. I don't know. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you had a human soul, but I guess I'll go out and shovel it after working. After working? I guess I'll get to it at like three. You jerk. You jerk. Is there not a neighborhood child that you could pay $10, like every time it snows, they get really excited. They're like $10 and they jump to, they knock on the door. You answer in like your robe and slippies with a coffee and you're like, this is good enough. And you

give them $10 and you never have to worry about it. And they do a super duper shitty job because they're a little kid. And what the fuck? Well, but then you give them five. It's a sliding scale. It's good for the economy. It's capitalism. Okay. But you need to bump both those up because $10 doesn't buy shit for shit anymore. Well, then another kid moves in, he does it for eight, you know, and now you're competing. I completely did this at my last house, but there was a lot of foot traffic. I'm just having, I don't even have a snow shovel because I believe in like putting money back in the economy. So I don't even have a snow shovel, but I'm just having this, the terrifying realization that like, nobody's gonna come to my house now.

It's more removed. No one's gonna come here. Yeah, but you're only gonna call this act. I think you're fine as is just like leaving her. This is leaving her. Just leaving her. Just leave her. How about a Yahoo? Please. This Yahoo is in it. This is, this is fucking service journalism. What we're about to do because like maybe a dozen people sent this Yahoo in. Um, and thank you all of you. Uh, it's by Yahoo Answers user. They are anonymous. I'll call them Rope. Rope. You're calling them Rope. Their name is Rope. Rope asks, do you ship planets together or no? Oh, I ship Mercury and Mars. Yes. No. Oh, okay. Yes. The planets only. IDK why I do what I do. And then there's like a really creepy

smiley face emoticon. I think they are fine together since they both have lots in common. They're both red. They're both quite windy. They're quite familiar with this planet, etc. What about you? Be a sweet and innocent please and thank you. Update anyone else a Mercury X Mars shipper. Just me. Okay. And I mean by relationships. Update two. I also ship stars. My fave one is soul and serious are sometimes the star serious equals true love. Not sure what any of that meant, but let's ship the fuck out of these astral bodies gentlemen. Well, here's the thing. I think the obvious option and I think we were all thinking it. So I'll just come right out and say it. It's Earth and Pluto. Now hear me out. Wow. Earth is the popular girl, right? Yeah.

Everybody loves Earth. Everybody loves Earth. Pluto. He's an outcast. He's dark. He's brooding. He's a little cold. Everyone's like, stay away from Pluto. He'll treat you wrong. Right? He's not even a planet. He doesn't belong with us, but Earth sees something there. But first, she's afraid, right? Because she thinks like, Oh, I need to keep up my like popular girl cool girl image. But then she spends a little time with Pluto. And she sees something there. You know, he's got some moons. He's got some heart. And once once she passes frozen shell, there's something there. I don't think Pluto has moons. I think they like classified it as a minute, didn't they? No, I think I think Pluto's got moons. It's fucking big old dumpy moons.

Can I just request that Earth not get into any relationships with any other planets? Because like, we're all having a lot of fun here today. If Earth fucks another planet, we die. We're done. So yeah, we're done. That's it. I know the more where that works out well for us. The Earth is the protagonist of the solar system. It's the it's the emotional core of the solar system. So like, I know the most about it. I want to match it up with a planet. Like, I feel like Jupiter, we could have some fun there. A lot of dumpy moons. Oh, to be fair, isn't the Earth and the sun already in a pretty solid loving relationship? Yeah, but the sun is a polygamist because they're in a relationship. Yeah, but we're the only one

that it treats right. We're the only one that could sustain life. Yeah, like that we don't burn or are too cold. I can't imagine Earth is going to be very popular with the other planets, because like, they're going to get a little too close to Earth and they're going to be like, what is that itchy shit all over you? What does that smell? What does that smell and itchy gross shit on you? And Earth is going to be like, ah, that's life. I don't know what happened. I got colonized. I need to see somebody about that. A planet doctor. I like, I like Earth Mercury. I think that's a fun matchup. Yeah. Oh, you could call it Murph. There's a Japanese concept called tsundere. And it just means like a character that plays you hot and cold. I feel

like that's Mercury all over, isn't it? Like you, Mercury is like, nah, nah, Earth never going to get it, never going to get it. But then it turns around, faces the right way. And it's like, nah, come here, come closer. I feel like I was going to say that like Mars and Earth have like a salmon Diane kind of thing, you know, where it's just like, will we land on it? Oh, we kind of landed on it. Oh, but nothing happened. Oh, will we get people there? Well, who knows? Mars is like a lot of women I've loved in that I have spent a considerable amount of time looking at them through a telescope. Okay, okay. Okay, okay. We're going to reel it back on in. Let's pull that one back. Um, what about, let me get you guys with this. Let's stop being so geocentric. I want to

pitch you with Mars cross Jupiter. And think about that for a second. Obviously, there is a spatial difference in terms of scale. But also they're separated by the great asteroid belt. And I feel like that's fucking pretty romantic, don't you? I separated separated by a separated by an ocean of a cosmic ocean of unforgiving rock. But these two lovers just want to be together. Don't you think? Their families don't approve. And also the asteroid belt separating them is problematic. Everyone on this side of the asteroid belt is on Team Cool Guys. Uh-huh. And everyone on that side of the asteroid belt is on another team that is not Team Cool Guys, right? Just like in Romeo and Juliet. Yeah. Exactly like that. Well, I couldn't think of a name with Team Cool Guys,

which would be a way better version of Romeo and Juliet. We Cool Guys hate you not Cool Guys. Wait, my thumb. But yeah, think about Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus. Have we not talked about Saturn, the most beautiful planet in the solar system? Saturn. Aesthetically like. Yeah, but he's stuck up, isn't he? Saturn's a boy to you, huh? Yeah. Okay. Why is that an issue even at all? I don't know, but for some reason to me, Saturn was a lady. Interesting. I think Venus is a woman because it's right there. Yeah. But all the other ones, like I think it's a fucking grab bag. What about like Orion's belt plus the Big Dipper? Okay, so now we're just sort of expanding the scale of it. Well, stars were included in there and I don't know any proper names. Okay. What about

Beetlejuice and Lyd and Lydia? Yeah, that's a good one actually. I never really understood. Is there a romantic thing going on there or what? Like that would be bad. Yeah, but now that she's like in Beetlejuice 2, the sequel to Beetlejuice, like Beetlejuice here. Are they going to be romantically involved? Well, in the cartoon, she was much more like his little buddy. Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely in the movie. He tries to marry her. That is true. That's true. And that would be a bad union because there would be a lot of what I'm just going to go ahead and call ever so delicately, slime time. You know, I bet there's going to be a joke in the next Beetlejuice movie, Beetlejuice 2, the sequel to Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice here returns. When he's like ascension.

When he gets out of, he gets out of black and white striped cell phone and starts pounding keys on, he's like, hey, check it out. Tweedlejuice. And he's tweeting. Pretty good. Yeah. Oh, can I just tell you something? Yeah. My penis shriveled up when you made that joke because and I think it did predictively. Like it just because I know you're so right. You're right. And that is going to happen. And it is going to happen. Yeah. I don't think that's a good joke. Don't get it twisted. Although, if it's delivered by the inimitable Michael Keaton, he could probably sell it. Do you think it'll also be a joke where he's wearing the black and white suit and he goes, look, I'm thick. Something along those lines of thick reference.

I just ate all these blurred lines, Lydia. I came back for the nicks. This guy, Dick, stealing my look. It's how Beetlejuice sounded. Yeah. And it's absolutely, can we cut out the middle man and just get thick in the picture? Dick is Beetlejuice's junior in Beetlejuice 2, the sequel to Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice here. He's Beetlejuice's ascension. You left out ascension and that's an important part of the brand. He doesn't think his dad's cool. He thinks his dad's yesterday's news, but he still loves his look. Nope. I'm not ready for him to come back in my life yet. I'm not ready. How about another question? Some days I don't have much energy and I want to take a nap. If I don't set an alarm,

I end up sleeping for hours and wake up feeling groggy and gross. When I do set alarm for 15 to 20 minutes, I never seem to fall asleep. Am I napping wrong? How could I master the art of the nap tired of Geronimo? We have got your back. You are talking to three professional nappers. Nap genius. I wish somebody would annotate Justin's naps. Annotate my naps. It would just be a string of, he looks so adorable. He looks like an angel. Look at him. Is he glowing? It seems like a precious nap light. He's napping actually a centimeter off of the bed. You can't tell, but there's actually air between Justin and whatever surface he's napping on. Now why does Justin make constant kissing noises while he's asleep? No one really knows for sure,

but here's my theory. Dream kisses. Naps are personal. You can do naps wrong. A lot of people say they can't do naps. It's because you're doing them wrong. I want to tell you my nap strategy, because it's very personal, I think, but here's what I do. It's very scientific. I use an app called Pizzizz. You sell on Pizzizz? Still on Pizzizz. I started to get worried about some Manchurian candidate shit happening via Pizzizz as the delivery vehicle. It does work though, right? It's an application that puts you to sleep. It's a creepy nap application. Where you set the exact amount of time that you want to go to sleep. For me, it's 25 minutes. If I set a nap for 25 minutes, 5 minute warm up to fall asleep and then 20 minutes of unconscious

sleep. If you sleep for the next nap station, see the naps go in a circle, right? They're like a curve. It's a curve. So a full cycle of sleep takes about 90 minutes from peak to valley to peak. So if you wake up at 45 minutes, you're going to be right in the middle of a valley. You're way deep in REM and it's going to be hell on earth. You're never going to recover from that until that evening. But if you hit it just the right spot where you're just sort of like a sleep, you can just kick start yourself. So that's what I do. 25 minutes, invest in a sleep mask. It's totally worth it. And also I use noise. Especially if you do funny googly eyes on the outside. That's a psych gag that never wears out. And then I use earbuds with some noise cancellation

so like full sensory deprivation. Here's another tip super quickly that I'll let my brothers talk because they're like nap geniuses too. I don't get under my sheets or blankets for an hour. Interesting. I have like an outer blanket. I'll pull up all blanket. You have a nappy time bink bink? Like an nappy time bink bink because if I get under my sheets, I'm telling myself it's bedtime. But anyway, that's why a nappy time bink bink is great too. That's great. See, for me, I've experimented with naps for going on 32 years now. And I feel like I finally figured it out. And that is one, I cannot nap in a bed. It's too much pressure. It's telling myself it's time for sleeping for bedtime. And it's not I have to nap on a couch. And I can't

nap in a quiet room. I got to put on low level TV, something that's distracting me that's clicking off like, Hey, you're not trying to fall asleep. You're just going to fall asleep. Because if I try to fall asleep, I will not. So I need something that's like lulling me to bed. And I use the alarm. I just tell Siri, wake me up in 25 minutes. I don't go through the like programming. I don't make a big rigmarole. Don't make it a big deal. I just say like Siri, wake me up in 25 minutes, sleep. Right. I just and then you have to you're saying you literally every step of this process, you trick your body into thinking you're not about to take a nap. Exactly. You circle back around the back door. And you're trying to the door. It's like, psych, we're going to sleep. This is because

when I try to when I try to it's too much pressure. I can't do it. I'm sitting there going fall asleep, fall asleep, fall asleep, fall asleep. But instead I'm going, Nope, just going to relax. Watch some TV. I'm out. That's the way I do it. And it works because then you wake up and just as you gently fell into sleep, you gently come back out of sleep. Here's my thing. The other thing. Oh, super quick. One other tip, especially if you give this 25 minute shit, it is going to feel like you just fell asleep. And that's exactly the idea. If you think, Oh, 10 more minutes, you're fucked. You're fucked. Do not snooze. Get don't put the alarm too close to you. No, put it on the table away from me. So you got to reach for it. Throw your body out of bed and

just get on it. Griffin, I plan you have to plan on taking. I'm the opposite of Travis. I plan my naps a good half day in advance when I wake up in the morning. Oh, that wasn't a very good sleep. I know I'm going to need a nap later on. That is actually true. Griffin has told me like, while we're having breakfast, like, I'm going to need a nap later. Okay. Yep. Yeah. My shit don't sneak up on me. I know my body at this point. I've been around for 28 years. I've had 28 years of knowing just how my body reacts to the pressures of day to day life or night to night sleep life. And so knowing that in the morning times, I take my shower and I eat my oatmeal. And then I'm picking on my outfit for the day. I say, what is the tightest, most uncomfortable

clothing that I own this belt? There's not a good notch for me. There's like one that's too loose and one that's too tight. I wear that set it to the too tight setting. I wear a shirt that I got too fat for in the holiday times. Put that right on. I wear these skinny jeans. I don't know why I own these fucking idiot things. They make my butt look like a Cinnabon somebody sat on. I'm going to wear that too. Put all that on socks with holes in it. Yeah. Absolutely. And then I'm going to wear dress shoes all day like a clown. So I'm going to wear all that and then I'm going to walk around and just like do my stuff like feeling uncomfortable the whole day and then delay it. You got to delay your shit until you are about to literally pass out unconscious

because of how sleepy you are. If you start to feel a little sleepy and you go for the nap, you're not going to hit it dope. You got to dive off. You can overshoot that though. Be careful. Because if you yeah. Yeah. Because you will just you got to learn where your point of no return is. Yeah. Like if you go to I know that if it's past like 4 30 p.m. Oh, don't see that. No, don't nap after four. That's ridiculous. So yeah, you get so sleepy and you know you've hit your peak low and then go to the bedtime. It doesn't you don't need any fucking special application of voice telling you to kill Vice President Joe Biden in your ear while you're asleep when you're at your most fucking psychically vulnerable. You don't have to like

lower your fucking window shade made out of deer bones or whatever to begin the sacrament. No, you just take off your super uncomfortable clothes that you've been wearing all day that you put on in the morning in advance and then you feel amazing. And then you get in bed however you want whatever bed couch floor. It doesn't matter at that point you're going to be so comfortable so ready for Betty by time and then you zonk out and then you oh you have to have set an alarm because what they said about 25 minutes is also very important. But Griffin, you are so human being who if I remember correctly from our youth could sleep anywhere. Yeah. I have to see I have to trick myself have to trick myself. Well, you haven't tried my super tight clothes thing.

Try it out. It's changed my life. So Griff, you agree with 25 minutes too? Yeah, it's got to be 25 minutes any longer than that. And you're you're you're I have gone 45 and felt awesome. No, that's a that it must have taken you a while to go to sleep because that's what it is. If I know that like if I know that my backwards falling back into it method isn't going to work right away, I will do the secret to a good nap is falling asleep instantly and I'm telling you this combo of waiting until you are at peak sleepiness and also you take off all your on comfy clothes. Oh boy, you'll be asleep before you hit the bed. Have somebody aim you have a friend there to aim your your unconscious body as it plummets into dream zone fucking kicking it with Morpheus from the

major movies. Let's go to the speaking. You go to the dream zone. I'm headed to the money zone. The money zone is my dreams of jokes. Tell me what we're selling today. Well, Justin, it's 2016. Correct. Did you make resolutions? Do you have resolutions? I don't really do that. I just try to live a little better every day. I got a resolution and it's to sip fucking tasty, elegant cups of that good red stuff. Well, good news, Griffin. We've got sponsors going to help you out. It's Blood Club. Oh, no, no. Oh, no, wait, I read that wrong. It's Club W. Club W is a wine subscription service. And let me tell you guys, I'm a big fan, big old fan. Basically, what it is is they have a series

of questions that helps you determine what kind of wine you will like. You don't have to be an expert. You don't have to be a connoisseur. You don't have to be a sommelier. Maybe you just like, you know, I kind of like sweet foods. You don't have to be a Somali pirate. You don't have to be Somali at all. You just have to know what you like. And then like you answer these questions and Club W recommends some wines and you're like, yeah, that sounds great. Let me get some of that good red stuff and they send it to you. It's a revolutionary new wine club. It sends the wine directly to your door. So you don't have to like go out to the grocery store. And not only does it send the wine to

your home, it sends you wine you love and the best part of my favorite part, along with the wine, you'll get these cards that tell you all about the wine. So if you pop it open with some friends, you can be like, oh yeah, this has notes of cinnamon and like earth and leather and whatever. And then all those friends will take turns punching you in the face. And it's just a big circle. That's going to happen regardless though. Yeah. But it also tells you what it will pair with and gives you recipes, for examples of dishes you could possibly serve it with. We did this and the wine's not super expensive. Let me just jump right out and say that. It's way cheaper than you would get it in the store for. And not only that,

right now Club W is offering my brother, my brother and me listeners 50% off your first order. Holy crap. So if you go to clubw.com slash my brother, you get 50% off already affordable wines. They'll ship the bottles directly to your door. It's amazing. It's incredible. I'm a huge fan of the service. I want to read this next one because it is from good friends of the show, me undies. Me undies. What's the secret to New Year's resolutions? Fucking sexy, soft underwear. Yes. That's something you have to do every day is put on underwear. And in 2016, it's time to take all your old stupid underwear, throw it in the garbage and buy new me undies. The world's most comfortable underwear. Justin, my life, Rachel, my loving life, bought me those me undies

lounge pants for the candle nights. Yeah. And my God. Yep. Full of stars. It's like all I want to wear. It is like a wearable angel soft circus tent. There's so much room to explore down in there. And they're so soft. And oh, God, I want to be wearing them all the time. It's like they say in that song, he dressed washers. It's like a Bedouin group tent, cinched with a belt. It's beautiful. If you had to me undies.com, you can choose from a variety of underwear styles in limited edition patterns, both for men and women. And they'll be delivered right to your door. You get matching pairs of underwears for you and a loved one or a family member. And that's fun. Not family member. I'm sorry. I said family member. That sucks. Don't do that.

We're gonna have lots of matching pairs. Right. Don't start your new year in old underwear. So important. Get your sexy right. Make a change. Head to meundies.com slash my brother right now and you can get 20% off your first order. Again, meundies.com slash my brother. Get yourself some new underwear. Think about those lounge pants because they fucking changed my life. If I was a like a video game character and I had to wear the same outfit in like every scene for my whole life, it would be these lounge pants. And then on top, I would probably wear my, I don't know, nice polo. It's just like a nice tasteful collared shirt. Yeah, like a nice polo and dangcast lounge pants. Got some messages here from listeners. First up is from the past cast,

a weekly podcast dedicated to discussing pop culture topics from the past. Each focuses on a different theme as Rick and Ben talk about their experiences growing up. Episodes last roughly 45 minutes. I like that. I like no one I'm getting in for and cover a broad range of categories, including video games, books, television, movies, board games, fashion, music and toys. New episodes are released each Monday. How dare you? Monday, fun day. You're not part of the Monday, fun day block. You could be the Monday, fun day rock block is not. We'll talk to our people. We'll see if we can make room for you. I'll talk to my lawyer until we can get you in the Monday, fun day rock block on an official

stance. We're gonna need you to change Thursday seems good. Nope. That's adventure zone day. You can do Sunday mornings. So visit the past cast.com and you can listen and subscribe to Rick and Ben. It's only going to take 45 minutes. It's half a nap or you got that. It's two naps almost. We also have a message for CJ and this is from Charlie and Goran or Goran or Goran. I prefer Goran. It makes it sound like a Godzilla monster. Okay. We want to wish our dear friend CJ a happy, happy, belated birthday. What are people called Godzilla? I ain't said Godzilla monster. Ain't that their Godzilla monster? He's telling down our house buildings.

With his foot stompers. Hey, that's a Mr. Skyscraper Godzilla monster. Uh, CJ turned 27 in August. Just missed it. CJ is a giant vegetarian Japanese speaking ear of corn from Nebraska who has a cat named Bucket and enjoys a nice glass of riesling. That all sounds pretty straightforward. Are you like going down a checklist of human characteristics? Like yes, yes. Has a cat named Bucket. Okay. This all seems right. This all seems legit so far. Seems like a person. We love you so much and please understand our lateness. We didn't have the idea till later. Let's get brunch soon. Like we've tried to tell you this so many times. You don't have to take the heat for being late. We'll take the heat. We'll take

the heat, but, but, and I think we can make an exception this time, Charlie and Goran, because I think we're fucking closer to the next birthday than the birthday that you originally intended. You've, you've almost fucking split the uprights of the year. Yeah. Happy early 28th birthday. And late 27th. We planned it so it would be equidistant between the two dates. It's two birthdays in one. Like this is, you've reached the point the year where CJ does not even remember whether or not they have birthdays. Uh, to wait birthday. Do I have those? I get, God, I guess I did. Huh, weird. So happy birthday. Happy birthday. I'm Jesse Thorne. I'm Jordan Morris. The federal government has millions of dollars in programs and opportunities

that you need to seize today. You're a taxpayer, right? Well, then you've got it coming. Thanks to Uncle Sam, you can get grant programs for veterans. Postage stamps that'll ensure your mail gets there in a timely fashion. Fruit for you and your family. Child care for your children that turns them into super soldiers. Get a million dollars to open your own lake. Useful power tools that are easy on your soft, delicate hands. Your own personal radioactive brick. More sexual attention from everyone at the used bookstore. Greyhound tickets. Soft, gentle kisses from TV's John Goodman. A real narwhal. Athletic socks filled with stew. A valuable pamphlet on Millet. Your father's approval. Don't wait right now. For all of this and more, drop us a line. Jordan

Jesse Goh. 123 Itunes Street or wherever you download podcasts. Do you guys want a Yahoo? Yep. Yes. A couple here. This one was sent in by Game Recognized Game, Rachel Rosen. Thank you, Rachel. It's by Yahoo Answers user Clash of Mark. Clash of Mark only has 2% best answers, which I guess is better than 1%, but it sort of lets you know the bar of quality we're about to duck under. Question mark asks, if someone was to clone Barack Obama, could the clone run for president? Huh. Yeah, as a thinker. So this assumes the form of cloning that's like one in one, like another adult Barack Obama steps out of the other two. No, it's a half formed baby Barack Obama, but he can talk like regular Barack Obama. I don't want to be next president.

Yeah, I think in that case he could. I'm the cool one. You're cool? Sorry, clone Barack, you sound like a baby Barack Obama. Help with flag pen. Throw flag pen into slime torso. Oh, vote for me. Hope and slime. Put nutrients sucker on, baby. Pick me up, robot Biden. Take me, robot Biden. Put me in your stomach, robot Biden. I'm the robot clone Obama. I have a message. Put me in my nutrient bath. I think he stands a good chance. Constitution wouldn't have, fuck all the say about it, right? Nature versus nurture, baby. Well, that's not what that means at all. That's in the Constitution, right? Next to the separation of church and state.

Yep. And we do a pretty good job of following that one too. So I do want to see that whether like flipping through the Constitution like doesn't say anything in here, I guess. I guess we're good. I guess it's fine. I mean, we could do what we always do and just like make shit up based on, we could take like one word from, you know, Article one and then like 16 words, Markle three and then just sort of throw them all together. Is that an apostrophe or a fucking ketchup stain? I don't know. Let's call it an apostrophe. Okay, we've changed it. No clones. We could continue on with our 200 year old sham of pretending that dudes who did not know what cell phones were, like can like make the rules for us. Like they have any idea how things are

going to be going now. They didn't have any Twitter followers and they're trying to tell me how to live my life. Do you know how many followers GW had? By which I mean George Washington? None. Zero. None. GW was a fucking egg. He was an egg. None. None. All right. He didn't even have a Facebook fan page. No, he did not. Let us assume that this is one of those fucking multiplicity, which is basically we have exited the realm of sci-fi and entered the realm of Michael Keaton magic. Right. It's a multiplicity clone chamber and President Barack Hussein Obama. A lot of people like to omit that middle name. Griffin says it because it matters. He steps into that and another Barack Obama comes out, steps up to the podium, surprise guest in the next Democratic debate

and he's like, got you suckers. I think I very much enjoy the reality in which we can't convince people that Barack Obama is not like a secret Kenyan Muslim from space and yet we will be able to convince him that no, this person who looks exactly like him in every way is not actually him. It's a fucking double standard, isn't it? Because if Barack clone Obama can't run for president, then Jeb Bush, who is clearly a slime time fail clone of G-dubs, shouldn't be able to get up there. You know what I mean? What if clone Barack Obama took like a pivot and was like, he just turned on the old one like, unlike that last Obama, I'm a real Christian. Wink? And all of them was like, what the fuck? He's like, I don't know. I was cloned in America. I don't know what to tell you.

Cloned in America 15 minutes ago and I do have my birth certificate. It's more of a stamp. It's kind of a barcode. It's like a stamp that a scientist drew. It's basically a barcode on the back of my head. But you can see if you look at that barcode, scan it in. That's right. When you read it after you scan it in, it says Barack Hussein Obama, but then the Hussein has been scratched out and instead it says Earl, the most American name. Barack Earl. That's too bad. I was going to go with Barack Hussein Obama, the sequel to Barack Obama. I love sequels. Yeah. Yeah, I think that so yeah, I guess. I don't see any reason why not. I think he'd do a killer job, right? Yeah, he'd crush it. I guess he would retain all the memories and experience of Barack Obama. Could

we clone him now, but the clone would be eight years younger. You're saying it's upset. It's kind of a bummer to look at him now because it's like, homie, you aged a billion years in the past eight years. No, what I'm saying, Griffin, is imagine a president with the youth and vitality and springiness, his ability to leap from room to room that eight years ago Barack Obama had, but with all of the knowledge of how all this shit works and how to get shit done. Why just rewind to eight years? I want to go wait for the back to fucking fresh as Chicago Obama. That dude was the best. The best. I try to model myself and my life based on a single picture I saw once of Chicago Obama and it was the freshest thing ever. He comes in smoking cigarettes

and he just whips off his shades and means like, I'm going to fix this shit this time. He's dunking on Michael Jordan and Michael Jordan's clone like, we'll never get him. We can't stop Barack Obama. He's got all the knowledge of Barack old Obama, but with all the youth and vitality of Barack young Obama. Do you think if we clone Michael Jordan like a dozen times, he would, each one would go and master a different sport? Absolutely. MJ had a, went on a baseball hiatus to explore. Conquered that. He did some baseball. He was the best at that. I was like, all right, you did it. Please go back to basketball. You're making the rest of us look bad.

But I think if we clone him a bunch, he would do that for every sport like hockey, hockey Jordan, golf Jordan. Football Jordan. Football Jordan. Can you fucking imagine? He would be like the world's greatest wide receiver. Yeah, he would be because he would be on the fucking 50 yard line and he'd like jump to the end zone and stretch out like a cartoon because he still retains that space jam magic with the drink. Michael's secret stuff. What would that movie be if he was football Jordan though? Football. Space Jam. Yeah. No, the punting is not like jamming and punting are diametrically opposed in terms of like radical scale. Space Juke. Space Juke is fine. Space down. Space down. Space down.

It would be space down. The film, Justin, would be space down. Well, it works on a lot of levels because you get downs and you also get touchdowns. Yeah. And also you can like get down while dancing. So like I'm sure the Quad City DJs. Tackled you're taking down. The Quad City DJs can do something with this. I'm so glad. I've seen now in retrospect, I'm so glad I cloned the Quad City DJs into the octuple city DJs. So we can, they can do this new song, Space Down. Oh my God. No, Justin, you left the cloner on the Dodeca City DJs. Shut it down. They've taken up all available matter. The problem is if you clone 12 Michael Jordans,

right? Statistically, one of them will be super evil. Oh, fuck. Right. Yeah, out of 12. No one can stop him. No one can stop him. And the fucking, except the other 11 Michael Jordans. Okay. We're just lucky. Like, we're just lucky he decided to basketball. Like if he had like walked into like, if his dad had been like, Michael, someday you're going to be the greatest person puncher ever. And you're going to be the king of strangling. You're gonna be the Strangle King. No one will catch you and you'll strangle everybody. He would still be going door to door. Like, why can't we stop him? Someone, please. Please. The police would have just given up. Everyone would just accept that you

had like a one in six chance of being strangled by Uncle Jordan. 911. 911. He's here. He's here. He's here. Who's here? Michael Jordan. He's here to strangle me. Oh, that sucks. That's right. Sorry. You got a good run. Can you send the cops or something? Oh yeah. We never thought of that before. Hey cops, you guys want to go stop Michael Jordan from strangling this guy? Yeah, they can't. They can't stop number 23. Good luck. That's right. He's still number 23, because he's got to strangle Jersey idiot. I'm glad you're dying today. Hi, it's me, Mayor Robert Manuel. I have an announcement to all the citizens of Chicago. Michael's coming. He's coming for you and there's nothing we can do about it. Everybody get up. It's time to strangle.

We got a real thing. Crangle. Welcome to the space. You okay? Michael Jordan got to him. Why did he strangle me? Why didn't he strangle me? This is the end of the show. That's the last thing we talked about on the show. Until this, when I said thanks again to me undies who are dedicated to offering the most comfortable underwear, go to meundies.com slash my brother and you can get 20% off your first order. Nice. Justin, you did that real good. Thanks. It sounded like a real professional. Yeah, you really nailed it. I think I did way better than Justin would have. Wait a minute. I mean, oh, I mean, I'm glad I did a good job. Glad I did a good job. Wait, are you a robot or a clone? Well, we've been talking about clones

all episode travel. I know, but you stuttered like a robot. It would be the thematic consistency of me being a robot. Hey, Justin, don't part the kimono right now, okay? Listen, God, I'll pop whatever cherries. I'm in hell. I can't reclaim it. I can't reclaim it. It has to stay where it is. I want to thank John Roderick in the long winter, she's sort of theme song, it's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. It's a good album. And I hope a lot of you guys got it for candle nights and listen to it nonstop because that's what I do every day. I listen to the album front to back twice. It takes up a lot of time out of my day. Yeah, but it's worth it. I want to say thank you to everybody who chipped in and helped out on the

my brother, my brother and me appreciation group. We had our annual charity drive called MB&BA of Angels where we help out people in honey to West Virginia. And it was a stunning response, literally hundreds of people here in West Virginia and specifically Huntington, the surrounding area, had more of a Christmas because the people in our appreciation group are dope as hell. So dope thing, have you been following the secret Santa stuff they did for each other? It's like a secret, a self-organized secret Santa trade-off that's going on and the gifts that people are getting each other are like insane. They're so wonderful. Like they're almost all like handmade, great,

jokie, fun, awesome gifts and that group fills me with life. You should, yeah, that group's, it's called the my brother, my brother, my appreciation group. We have 303 people here waiting to get in, so maybe we could start sorting through those. Yeah, we should probably take care of them. Well, I don't trust fucking Travis to do it because then it's like, oh, hi, my name is Carolyn Goodboobs and I'm in a billion groups and I just joined Facebook a minute ago and Travis like, yeah, Griffin, welcome to the club Goodboobs. Did you want to buy some cheese? That's how you chastise me. I've gotten very, I've gotten very precise in my search and I do it and that's what's taking so long. You can, if you join our group, you can also see Hamilton Composer, Lin-Manuel Miranda,

Troll Griffin with pictures of gold dust just in an opportune moment. That fool hit me on Twitter too and it's like, it made me double afraid. Like I'm going to open up Snapchat and it'll be like a Snapchat waiting for me from gold dust and fucking Lin gave me my number or something. And then no one will fucking believe me because this is a Snapchat and it's gone. Oh, gold dust. Anyway, that's our Facebook group. We're on Twitter. We're at mbambam. We haven't mentioned a while, but maybe go to iTunes and give us like a rating or review. That's super helpful if you like the show. It's the least you could do. And maybe tele-friends. Maybe tele-friend just this once.

2016 is going to be a good year. Tele-friend to listen to my brother, my brother and me and tweet with the hashtag, hashtag mbambam, that kind of thing. I want to say in response to our decision to claim that 2016 is 2016, building bridges, we got a lot of people. A lot of people. A lot of people. A lot of people. A lot of kibitzing with that and a lot of the theme of that kibitz. A lot of stuff I'm seeing is like, I can't believe you guys didn't think of blank. But more importantly, a lot of it is I can't believe you didn't think of like 20 tricks team continue the con. And it's like the fact that you thought we should do that is exactly why it is so important that this is 2016, building bridges

because it's time for us to do some selfless shit for each other and help put this shit back together. Because guys, look around you. It's falling apart. Yep. It's falling apart. We need to fix it. We're the only ones who can do this. But anyway, thanks for listening to the show. We love you very much. Hey, go listen to the other Maxfun shows, the other shows in the Maxfun network. There's lots of so many amazing programs like the Flophouse and Stop Podcasting Yourself and Lady to Lady and Can I Pat Your Dog. You should go check out Oh No Ross and Carrie. They've got some very special stuff coming up in the next couple months and I think everybody's really going to dig it. So start listening now and rare up. Get ready. I want to

do a special plug for the Adventure Zone. It's a podcast that the three of us do with our dad where we played Dungeons and Dragons. And I'm real proud of it. And if you haven't listened because it is all about Dungeons and Dragons, I promise you we don't actually play that much Dungeons and Dragons in it. We mostly just make shit up. And it's sort of like a communal psychic storytelling adventure. I was trying to figure out how many spells I should know. I started reading the rules theoretically for how the rules work. Wow. It is a liberal take on that, huh? We are off book, so to speak. And the book is the player's handbook, fifth edition. Anyway, the Adventure Zone. Go listen to it and Saw Bones and Bunker Buddies.

Can I pet your dog? Can I pet your dog? I already plugged that one. Nice try. Oh, sorry. And I'm working on a new one that should be coming up pretty soon. But I think everyone's really going to dig. Yeah. Yeah. Can you fucking focus? I don't do anything else. I guess that's true. I was laying around with a 102 degree fever and in a fever dream, I woke up and went, oh, new podcast. Cherry Pop and Daddy's Fancast. Honey, honey, give me a pen and paper right now. Quick. I've solved it. Do you guys want to go? Yeah, please. Can I read a question and also the description of it? I know this is unorthodox, but it made me laugh really hard. Sure. It's by, uh, send in by level 9000, Yadru,

Dru, Dru Davenport. Thank you, Dru. It's by Yadru Answers user Ducky who asks, Are potato guns deadly? I built a handheld spud musket. I know it hits pretty hard because it made a dent the size of a Buick in our hay barn, but my grandson is a sleeping late again. I was thinking a good Christmas prank would be to wake him up with a blast to the face. I just, I just don't want the blessed goof to die. I just want to rattle his cage a bit. That's good. Your update. Oh no. Oh God. The blessed goof. The blessed goof is down. Thanks. What do I say? I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. My brother, my brother, my brother, because your dad's square on the lips.

Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Welcome to Oh No, Ross and Carrie. Ross. Hi, Carrie. What do you think is creepier? Okay. You jump into a swimming pool. All of a sudden, the water goes away and instead of water, there is the bones of your dead ancestors or our show. That's pretty tough because we visited a live exorcism. We joined the Ordo-Templey Orientus where we had to worship a naked lady. Oh, and we joined that Tony Alamo cult. They were scary. Super creepy. We joined the Aethery Society. We tried penis enlargement, or at least I did. Oh boy. I tried breast enlargement. We have basically done every creepy weird fringe thing except for thousands more, which we will get to if you

listen to our show. I'd still say the swimming pool with my ancestors bones. Well, and I don't even know if people should listen. I guess they shouldn't. But if you want to, we're at Maximumfun and the show is called Ono Ross and Carrie.