My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 287: Glistening Fishlifters

Episode Date: January 25, 2016

It's really hard for the three of us to get together and record a solid hour-or-so of comedy audio without our robotic assistants barging into the studio. We apologize for their automated, synthetic rudeness. Suggested talking points: ASMR Prep, Ripped for Fish, Short Tongue, Sick Bob Ross Collabo, Popularity Resume, A Brief History of Andrew Johnson

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome, my brother, my brother, meaning advice show for the modern era. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm gonna get this right. No, that was it. No, he's gotta say I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

Oh, damn. That's not it. Hello everybody, welcome, my brother, my brother, meaning advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. No fooling around with this intro. No, straight to the point. No faking. Cookin' MC's like a pound of bacon. What's that noise?

That's Justin being very cold. Justin, how's the weather where you are? Thanks for asking, Travis. It is a tropical winter storm. Tropical winter storm. Tropical winter storm, Jareth, is having its way with us right now. Let me tell you guys, winter prep is so important when you're in blizzard conditions. Life or death. I almost wasn't ready. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

But listen, I don't want you to worry. I am now sitting here with a, I would have guessed, 20 to 25 ASMR videos. Just stacked on. That'll get you through. Yeah, I loaded the hard drive. I got an external hard drive. Oh, how big are these fucking ASMR videos? How big is the hard drive? I get them in HHD, so it, it, uh,

That's high, that's just high, high definition. High, high definition. Yeah, so as far as winter prep goes, I've got probably 25 ASMR videos. You know, I'm glad that you've been listening to Bunker Buddies, because when we did our winter prep episode, we said the number one priority was ASMR, because what you don't want to do is wait till the storm hits, and then everyone's rushing to the store, like, wait, here's the ASMR videos.

And it's just like, we sold out of those weeks ago. See, I, for, for my money, I like, because you're going to be trapped inside for, for God months, potentially. I like the idea of just like, just me and the kids, and we all get together and we make our own ASMR videos. We get some crinkly paper. We get some crinkly paper of our own, and we talk really, really soft up close on a microphone together.

You get some press on nails to tap on a, on a wooden table. Mm-hmm. We just, um, kind of dig your fingers through those glass beads that you put in aquariums. That sounds actually pretty good, Trav. Well, the last thing you want to do, especially if you're trapped in the house, is get some like, cut rate, bargain basement ASMR videos,

where it's just like a dude being like, I'm going to rub your head. Like, you don't want that. You know, you want like, if you're going to be listening to it for years, possibly, you want it to be like the best quality you can get. And that's why I always do glass beads. In the last, uh, in the last winter storm we had, I wasn't prepared and I bought some unlicensed ASMR

from a guy at a dark alleyway, and it turned out to just be Wendy's training videos for how to use the shake machine. Mm-hmm. And that's not, that's not a trigger. Hey buddy, hey buddy. Buddy, buddy, buddy, you're looking for some soft sounds. Soft sounds.

Soft sound, soft serve. Get over here, my man. He kind of spoke in ASMR, which is pretty amazing. Which is my trigger. Back alley ASMR is actually one of my triggers. Ah, damn it, I forgot food. Well, shit. You're going to have to eat your cat.

You're going to have to eat my food. You're going to have to outfit up. Outfit it up, I said what? Listen, the only thing that's going to get you through now, Justin, is you have to lower your heart rate and you're in consumption levels to a very, very low, like just barely alive point. Like you're going to need to get into a bathtub.

And I think actually the ASMR videos might help you out with this to just to get you on that bliss. But then you're going to have some videos to bring you back from the point of death. Some like heavy metal monster truck kind of thing to get the blood rate, you know, back up once like June hits. Just a monster truck just driving over a bunch of different heavy metal bands.

I'm a, I'm a. A snuff film of heavy metal bands. Which is the natural opposite to ASMR. Yes. I am conserving my ASMR videos too. I'm trying to make, not use them all up. So I got the window struck down. So only seeking about a quarter of them as I'm watching them

because I don't want to burn through them all, all at once. You know, that seems foolhardy just because I got a big stack. You know what sucks is I'm in, I'm in Texas and the weather here is great, but I still, you know, I don't like to leave the house basically ever. So last time I was out at the store, I bought like 40 hams, but I didn't get any ASMR videos. That's so stupid.

Listen, let's get on with the advice. I feel, my generator's about to die. And my tentacles feel warm. And I have to save enough energy to watch ASMR videos for the rest of the weekend. Yeah, sure. So I, I really, are you doing okay though? This is the real brother part.

Yeah, but really? Are you all right? No, I mean, we were like wicked prepared. Like, let me say this, it sucks. Like, cause it's like, it's weird because you don't really think about, the closest comparison is like Christmas. It's like, well, I better, I hope you have everything

cause you can't get nothing. Like it's like that, but could last for days cause I can't get nothing. You can't get, you literally can't get anything. Can't get anything. I, yeah, I can't get anything. I made a run. This was scary, almost didn't have Ramchata.

All right, let's start the show. This is, this is, your privilege has been showing for the past seven minutes and it's making me sick. Uh, put your privilege away. I was kidding about the Ramchata, but I also did not have Brandy. So it was like, a winter storm without the Kovacier? I'd rather not, thank you.

Where do you, hey, can I ask you a question? Where do you winter storm? Oh me, I go to Justin's Lodge. We have Ramchata and Brandy drinks. Mixed together. We listen to soft sounds and we just try to lower our heart rate down to just a barely alive level. It's really the only way to do it.

It's the, it's the only way to winter storm. I keep looking outside thinking that it would have slowed or perhaps slacked or perhaps stopped in any way. Nah. It is still going like full tilt boogie. The same as it was. This is so weird because we're recording this in the past when people are listening to it.

Like people could be listening to this long after we've lost contact with Justin. This could be my last like transmission. This could be like your Martian. Still on the channel. Please, please listen. This is crucial. I have a baby.

This is my last transmission. This is so important. Please bring a portable television and hold up ASMR videos to my office window and just smash it with a brick. I just have to hear the soft tingles. I will say if this is your last episode, that's really too bad because we've spent the last eight minutes

of the show's 60 minute run time talking about the weather. Yeah, but the good news is no one will think of it as the one where they talk about ASMR. That'll be the last one. The last one in the series of like 40. When we finally hit on that hilarious weather chat. Let's do it. Let's do it.

My wife's dad, two brothers and brother-in-law, all go on a yearly grouper fishing trip. How do you fish? Yeah, how do you like designate? Like, all right, only the grouper. Come on up and bite this shit. Maybe they just go to like a grouper farm. Get the fuck out of here, Cod.

It's grouper time. Grupers, it's time for the reckoning. You know what's up. Well, I would... Come on up here. I mean, I would imagine that you... It would be based on your bait, right? You use like grouper dogs.

The favorite snacks. Yeah, grouper snacks. The favorite grouper crisps. Oh, that's my favorite. If you're doing like grouper... If you're like doing grouper trolling out Miami, it's a pretty easy tactic to catch decent sized gag groupers on a shallower patch reef.

Just get a standard 50 pound trolling outfit. That'll do the job. Yeah, you unfurl a waterproof grouper pornographic pornographic magazine. Took me a couple of runs at that one. Just make sure you're using a strong shock leader of approximately 25 feet connected by crimps to 100 pounds.

Salmon pornography will work too. Groupers are really down to clown with just anything. They're very open-minded fish. They're pretty dirty. Anyway, we're on a grouper fishing trip. Right now. They're all pretty strong fishermen. No, wait.

They're all pretty strong men. I've gone the past two years. The first year I wasn't able to pull up a fish. Yeah, she's a heavy fish, the grouper. The second year I got seasick. The second year I got seasick. Should I bow out of all future trips? Should I keep going for the camaraderie?

They give me a hard time about it, but will probably still make fun of me for not going. Frustrated fishing failure. You have to go. You have to go. But like one of these years, can you please show up and just be diesel? Like what better, what would be better?

Anybody, any of you need help lifting fish? Oh, God, what happened to Dave? I'm worried about him. I got fish lifters, baby. And then kiss your ass. I'm gonna look good fish. What are you gonna say? Oh, my God, have you seen Dave lately?

Look at his just glistening fish lifters. This shirt is big enough for my chest, but not my fish lifters. Has he been deadlifting fish? Wouldn't mind having those fish lifters wrapped all around me in the cold. They're only for fish. Victoria.

I lift fish and I lift spirits. I lift that nationwide morale. Victoria, would you mind opening the door for me? You, I'm holding two bags of groceries and both your hands are free. I'm, I, Victoria, you know the arrangement. These are fish lifters. I can't use these for anything other than lifting fish.

I want my divorce day. Can I still go on the fishing trip? Please don't take this away from me. Having big sick fish lifters is gonna be a very good move. And you can use that for a lot of things. And I feel like that's another catch-all for us. Like just get extremely physically attractive or get extremely, extremely powerful.

Like really very powerful fish diesel. He's my favorite actor. One sweet thing would be to act like you, like have huge fish lifters and then act like you can't lift the fish. Like say, oh, it's too heavy. Oh, having a hard, oh yeah. Put a dramatic arc into their hand.

Oh, and then it's a really tiny fish and everybody gets a good laugh. A lot of bad happenings. Oh no, I was just gonna say you could tear it in half. Just tear it in half when they watch and then lift it like, that's better. That's much easier. He did it.

He's the chosen one. Can you get, can you get? See, I was gonna propose a plan and then I realized my own fatal flaw on the plan. I will propose the plan first and then I'll explain what the fatal flaw is. The proposed plan that I wanted to put forward is you have Dwayne The Rock Johnson

in a scuba suit underneath the boat just holding on for dear life. And then when you catch the fish and reel it up, he lifts it into the boat for you. But then he hides it. Maybe he's wearing a ghillie suit. The fatal flaw in that is there is no way you're going to keep The Rock from just unhinging

his jaw and eating that fish hole because he eats like fucking 12 pounds of cod every single day. If he sees it because he hates cod, not because he's hungry. Well, he loves getting boss fish lifters too. He needs to maintain them. That's why Lady Gaga wouldn't wear her meat just around him.

Who would just like, oh, pop it, yes. No red meat, no red meat. Just that good cod. Just that good cod? Yeah. What if, say he's unable to get those, like for medical reasons, he can't get diesel fish lifters.

I would say the alternate thing with this movie. He's got a little bird bones. But isn't the ending of this movie always like, you can't do it, but then they get into some kind of scrape and they're unable to do something that, like, oh, skinny Todd can fix the engine because he can slide through the ducts.

Like maybe, you can't lift the fish, but then one of them needs help setting up a tumbler. Yeah. And you're like, here, no problem. Oh, but let me help you post the pictures of your fish. Click, click, click, click, click. Skinny Todd, you did it. But this movie.

Get back in the engine. You realize. Get back in the engine, skinny Todd. You realize this movie's gonna end with skinny Todd falling into the water and everybody gets really worried, but then he magically transforms into a fish. The skinny Todd limpet.

And then they all learn to love fish and they stop the fish. And they miss Todd very much. Everybody misses Todd. Very much. He's a fish now. He can't talk or think or anything. He's a fucking fish.

He's a fish. And then they catch him, but then they let him go and it's an airy touch. And they let him go. And as they throw Todd back, fish Todd, back into the water, as you find through the air,

who's that pops out of the water, like fucking Jason unhinges his jaw. It's the Rock Eats, Todd Hull. Then it's a horror, it was a horror movie the whole time. Do you guys want to know who? Yeah, for sure. Or did you want me to read

this summary of the incredible Mr. Limpet? Nah. Because it's fucking crazy. What if people don't know? Literally less than 10 episodes ago. But what if they don't know, growth hood? This one is sitting by Dan Baudouin. And just based on how poorly I pronounce that,

it's not Baudouin well that I said it right. Nice. And it's by Yahoo Answers user Netty. I didn't really know how to pronounce that. It's like nutty, but there's extra T's and I's. Anyway, nutty asks, extremely short tongue for kissing. Wait.

I have very short tongue. Let's say I'm sticking out my tongue straightly and its length is not even half an inch from the teeth to the end of the tongue. Jesus. It's extremely short tongue. They said it in the fucking title. Why are you surprised?

But that just seems like he lost some in an accident. Its length is not even half an inch from the teeth to the end of the tongue. I am so serious about this. And it makes me so sad whenever my girlfriend and I make out. She does most of jobs and it is so hard for me to do my moves, you know.

Please need advice on technique. Lol. Help Lol. It's probably this, this dear heart. It's probably hard for them to say Lol. Yeah. I was going to say like your girlfriend's upset about you not being able to do your kiss moves,

but she's fine with the fact you like can't say T. Like you can't say any T's or most letters. What if he really just has a really deep mouth? That is another, yeah. His tongue is perfectly normal length, but inside it is cavernous. Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. I have a lot of inner tongue

and if you want to meet it, you're going to have to come to me. Maybe his face looks like Alec Baldwin's in Beetlejuice when they do the stretch on Biky face. All right. Follow me here. Stretch out Biky face. All right. All right.

Which would make it hard to do some kiss moves because your eyeballs are in there. If I remember. Sure. I'd see what I like better is less you have an elongated beak like mouth and more that you just have a regular head and mouth and everything, but your tongue starts really far back, like way wicked back.

Like mid esophagus. Yeah, like super duper back. There's like a pretty good question that nobody really wants to address. Yeah. You know the tip of your tongue, right? Yeah. What is what is the other?

Lots of lots of people know the tip of my tongue. If you know what I'm saying. Yeah. Sweet. Like what's the other of your setting? What's the other in connected to? Shit. Feet.

It runs all the way down. Like envision your tongue, right? It's going. Imagine you're going down a ride down the back of your throat, right? You're on your tongue. Oh, God. Oh, fuck.

Oh, God. Slow the fuck down, Justin. You get past the uvula. And then you're just like, what? What's going on at the back of your tongue? Yeah. Where's the start? What if it's not connected, but if you think about it too

hard, your tongue falls out. You just choked the depth right there. Right there in your tongue. Oh, fuck. This is the most excited this podcast has ever made me. Oh, great. Oh, no. Here's another question.

I received Bob Ross painting kit. Wait, you just get, you're giving up on short tongue? We were afraid of your erection. I feel like, yeah. Actually, Travis, thank you for putting a point on it. That's exactly what happened. We don't do enough questions on this show anymore. And my whole thing for 2016 is like, let's do more questions.

OK. Well, that's fine. It's just like the happiest of questions made me in a long time. But let's just blow, kind of lean over it. Listen to this part at 1.5 speed. That was a premium swallow. I received a Bob Ross painting kit for Christmas.

And I have done some paintings. I would love, by the way, if you're looking for a considerate gift to get me. P.O. Box 34, George Washington 2506. A Bob Ross painting kit. As long as it comes with all the required accoutrements. What a tasteful paint by numbers. I guess.

Yeah. It seems like a nice instructional video. I like them and I want to hang them. But is that a little arrogant? This is an amazing question. To hang your own mediocre paintings. That's from artistically acute. If you do this, you have to have permanently attached

to your hand a glass filled with red wine. Yeah. All the time so you can gesture to your art. Yeah. That shit, that shit was me. What you're seeing right there is how I see the world. Beautifully. That's my mountain.

That's my mountain. I made it. That is my mountain life. I took all of my experiences throughout my life and the emotions I was feeling that day. And I committed them to canvas. I don't know. It kind of depends on how the painting was brought.

Right? Like if you fall along the video, I think that's fine. If you were filling in the parts that he told you to fill. Like if it was like Travis had a paint by numbers or what have you. Like that gets a little dizzier for me. I feel like that is not something you necessarily need to display. Unless you pitch it as a, oh, this one. This is a me and Bob Collabo.

I collaborated on this artistic. That's Bob Steve Original. Yeah. Oh, we're seeing you eyeballing my art. He told me to use Periwinkle here and I went with Azir. Went with what? Azir. All right.

You added like three syllables. Color, color, yeah. I think it's Azure, not Azir. Azir, I think, is the color. I'm like 900% sure you'd be in a ding don right now. I believe it's Aziri. I think it's Azure. It would have your opinion change on this question,

depending on the quality of the finished product. Azure. Yeah, that's right. Motherfucker. Okay. So just to be clear, in case you've been listening for a long time, Griffin is now siding with a robot over his brother. Okay.

Come on. The robot's siding with me, if anything. Now make it say dirty words. Hey, can you make it say like, make it say butthole? I don't think, I don't think that's Justin. Justin, make it say butthole. Butthole. Butthole.

Yay. Are you doing it as two different words? Yeah, it doesn't have butthole together. Hey, check this out. That's pretty good. I found one. I found one. Can I try?

Yeah. Butthole. That's how they think butthole does. Okay. Anymore? Fuck. Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis. This is top notch.

This is good joke. This is going to be our first charged four episode for Fay. Griffin's going to be editing this and he's going to be like, it's 30 minutes long. I had to cut the 20 minutes where they let robots say words. What was I thinking? Why did I encourage that? Hey, listen, I got one coming in hot.

Hold on. Premium fuck boy. Yay. I actually asked it to say Justin McElroy and that's what it came out with. That's weird. I hope that this is a lot of people's first episodes. Wait, I have, hold on, wait, here's one.

Hello, my name is Derek and I am a premium fuck boy. Hello, Derek. Would anyone like some penis tricks? Some what? Would anyone like some what? Penis tricks. What are those? Tricks you do with your dinger.

Let's get back on the fucking saddle. What were we even doing or talking about? Bob Ross. I think it's a bad taste. I don't think you can do it. I don't make fucking episodes of this podcast my ringtone. You know what I mean? Oh, I do.

I play a lot of my podcasts for people and I watch them enjoy it. And I shush them if they try to talk during it. Then where do you where do you land on the mountain year in paintings? I think you have to do it. But in a special room that you invite people in like, are you having a good time? Thank you for joining me in my home this evening. Can I show you what I'm really proud of?

And then you throw open the door and it's floor to ceiling, your own Bob Rossian paintings. Can I refer to them as your children? I want to ask you a question, Travis. Yes. Because I know you're not joking about making people listen to your podcast. Yeah, especially like really funny parts. And I have done the same thing with people who like ask you like,

what's a podcast or what was your show like? So here's my question to you. When you're forcing someone to listen to a podcast you made, what do you think the appropriate thing is to do with your eyes? Both your eyes and their eyes. Where should everybody be looking for the four minutes that you are listening to your own podcast? Because I'll be damned if I can come like, you're not looking at the screen.

There's nothing in there. So do you keep eye contact with the person? Just sort of like not go to? My go-to is to look off in the middle distance, but kind of like squint a little bit. Like I'm trying to remember a childhood friend's name. Like you're watching a movie based on the things that you're saying. Oh my God, another room.

Because I'm waiting. It's like I'm waiting for like some kind of clue to drop where they'll be like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love this. That's what I'm waiting for anybody I'm with to see. I think I'm waiting for them to say that. I think it is bogus that you're trying to justify making other people listen to your show with you in the room based on like informational.

It's informational value when like, if you're a chef and you're like, oh, I make pie for a living. And somebody's like, I don't know what's a pie. I don't know what pie is. You don't have to be like, well, I guess I have to cook a pie now because I'm a genie and you said my code word. Would there be a human being alive? You're often that if you sat them down and said, watch me.

I'm a professional pie maker. Watch me make this pie for you. That they'd be like, oh, God, I hate this. Well, no, because pies add something to society. Well, podcasts, I would say if anything detract detract. Yeah, it's also helpful. Sometimes like if you're getting near a really funny part and you know, you're about to say a super funny joke.

Oh, here come. Oh, and they just stare at the person. And if they start to say something like, no, just listen, listen, listen. Oh, let me run it back. You missed. Okay, hold on. What's what's weird Travis is that you in real life, because right now this is the Digi World.

Now that people are downloading and listening to this, they are in this podcast, us talking is now in the Digi World. In real life, you just did this to one of your friends with that text-to-speech part that just happened. And when you said one of my friends, you mean my wife, which is the only person that will hang out with me anymore. Yo, T-Bird, this shit is about to get sick. They make a robot talk about penis tricks.

You're going to love it. Please don't interrupt. Please, please keep it down. I know you've had a cough out there. If you could try and curtail it just a little bit while the robot says penis tricks. It's also important to know if the person talks, you pause it and sigh heavily and then turn to them and say,

I'm sorry, what? What was it? This is my art, but I guess that's... I just thought about hanging a painting that I made up. And it made... Well, okay, here's the thing, actually. There's a website called Canvas On Demand, and they do these insane canvas print deals

all the time for photos. And Rachel and I have done it. I think we have three of these nice canvas things that are based on pictures that I've taken, like some from our honeymoon in Japan and one from our trip to Hong Kong. And we actually do have those hanging up in the house. Same principle?

Sounds pretty boring to me. Okay. I'm sorry, Julie. I don't know why she said that. Honest advice time. You can do it, but you just can't be... Because you can be proud of a thing you make. Well, I don't fucking...

When people come into the house, I'm not just standing by my canvas. What if the photo is a tasteful nude? Like myself? Or someone else? No, like yourself and you hang it. Justin, you've been quiet for a while. Are you making that robot say shit?

No, I am not. I was thinking about whether or not I would have the guts to display a painting of my own. Yeah. Well, can you do me a favor? And as you're thinking about it, just save your feelings as you're thinking them. I think art and craft are really two separate things, aren't they?

Damn, that's good. Well, this is what happens if we let Justin be quiet for a couple of minutes. He thinks up some really dope shit to say. Like, think about that for a second. There's an art and craft. And I don't think... I think that by displaying art,

you're saying... You're making a statement. By displaying craft, you're bragging. And that's what separates from me. It's like, when you make a piece of art, that comes from some creative place in your soul, and then you put it on display, you're saying, like, this is an important thought to me.

This is an important concept. What's the delineation there for painting? Because then you could actually get... Because you're not... If you're doing something that Bob Ross told you to do, I don't classify that as a work of art, because it's about the crash of how you reenact it. Now, if you...

What if Bob Ross did something that you told him to do? What is this? Or else? Is this a genuine Bob Ross? Yeah, you like that shit. I was like, yo, Bob, my boy, do a snowy caldera. And he was like, you got it, and he did it. And he was like, hey, man, I just put paint to the canvas.

You're the fucking mind behind this thing. That would be a collab. That's a really good point, actually. That's a sit collab. See, that's what we need to do. We need to start up a fucking art studio for people who cannot paint. But we will have painters come in

and do just, like, contract work. Just, like, do me up one of Homer Simpson on... But he's pissing on the Ford logo. And this really good artist is like, you got it. And then they craft this painting to your specifications. But it's your art. It's your art. You did the art.

And then you put your name on it. Yeah. The greatest tragedy in the world is that Bob Ross died before I could make him paint Bart Simpson peeing on a Ford logo. Homer Simpson. Calvin. Well, it's Bart Simpson peeing on Homer Simpson.

Who's peeing on Calvin? Who's peeing on the Ford logo? All the way down. It's like a fountain. Hey, guys, listen. We've talked for long enough. Let's go to the Money Zone, you choice bits of beef steak. Okay.

That's my assistant, Bridget. You need to have an HR discussion with her. I feel very uncomfortable in the workplace. Yeah, it seems really... I'm sorry, were you podcasting? Yes, Bridget, I told you I was. Please get out of my office. Hey there, Bridget.

What a smooth and sexy voice you have. Bridget, baby, are you still there? Talk to me, stud rocket. ASL. Should I leave? Yes. It's about to get strange. All right, let's go to the Money Zone.

No. Okay. I'm almost finished. I'm almost finished. I'm almost finished. I'm almost finished. I'm almost finished. Here we go.

Oh, oh, oh. Damn. I done flooded my basement. Done flooded my basement? What? I had an O. In me trousers. Guys, listen, it's time to get serious.

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That's not a thing. It doesn't actually affect how soft and comfortable the sheets are. That's the quality of the cotton and they get really, really good cotton. And they don't just have sheets. They've got towels, they've got blankets, they've got duvet covers, everything you need to live a comfortable life. Go online, go to bowl and that's B-O-L-L and branch.com today. And you'll get 20% off your first order plus free shipping.

She's the promo code my brother. You get 20% off your entire order and free shipping. It's sick. I got a message for Mitch. This one's from David. If you want to get a message on the show, just go to maximumfund.org slash jumbotron. It's really easy.

This message is for Mitch though. And it's from David. David says, dear Mitch, happy late, late, late birthday. Thank you for being there and putting up with me. You're the best girlfriend ever. And although it says I have to read this in my wizard swears voice from episode 251. This ladder goes in six directions. It always ends up pointing at your heart.

All my love, Dave's. Perfect. I griffon. I don't remember if I did that right or not. No, I think you nailed it. You nailed it. Can I read this next one? Yeah, sure.

Because I love it. This message is for Ryan Brent. And his message is from Edbury. And Edbury says, anything that includes happy birthday and for real, real, not for play play. So a lot of lenience there. Yeah, whatever you guys want to do. Listen, I'm not the creative one here.

He, Edbury understands that he doesn't have a podcast. He's not the one people are tuning in. He wants us to do a little bit of that voodoo that we do. So I could do, I could do a whole fucking diatribe about how when I was a little kid, I thought that the Lady Dragon from Shrek was really sexy. But then it's somewhere in there. As long as they say happy birthday for real, real, not for play play. Then that it would have satisfied this person's demands much like that,

that Lady Dragon satisfied my confused teenage demands. You're a teenager? I enjoy the conceit that like your attraction to the Lady Dragon from Shrek is like something we wouldn't normally hit on the show. That's, there's, my brother, my brother, me, isn't really a forum for a discussion like that. Not for those, not for those sorts of ideas. But thankfully, Edbury opened that door and said Griffin,

the next five minutes is all yours, off the clock, free of charge. I've been waiting for a fucking wild card opportunity like this for years. And you guys have just never left the door open. Yes, the scales are nice. Thank you to Mitch and David for giving us a little bit more boundaries. So I don't have to hear about Griffin's. Oh, this is a mistake that nobody else is ever going to make. Yeah, you've made the mistake here.

Now we all have to live in this mess. She's just very big and I think could swallow me probably pretty easily. Hi, I'm Sydney McElroy and I'm Riley Smerl. And we co-host a podcast called Still Buffering, a sisters guide to teens through the 80s. On our show, we tackle all of the hot teen topics that kids have on their minds today. Hot teen topics? Well, you know that the questions that are,

that are plaguing teenagers through their tumultuous growing years. Questions like, how do I party? Or what do I do with all this hair everywhere? The same questions that people like Sydney had during their years as teenagers. Many, many, many. Okay, not that many. So, so long ago. Yeah, okay, I think they get the idea.

So search for Still Buffering on iTunes or MaximumFun.org for new episodes every Tuesday. Still Buffering. I am a teenager. And I was too. Do you guys want to go? Our dress is filling up, so we need another yahoo. Yeah, this yahoo was sent in by Morgan Davy.

Thank you, Morgan. It's by an anonymous yahoo user. Ooh. Okay. Ooh, intriguing. Who could it be? Could it be the president? Could it be, I don't know, somebody else?

I ran out of people after the press. Wow, fun. The update snow is still falling at just an alarming rate. Just really bad. Really bad. This anonymous user, let's call them, let's just call them who they are. Craig. Teen Elson from Coach.

Teen Elson. Sorry that your revival of coach didn't work out, Craig. Craig, Mr. Teen Elson asks, is being popular in high school a good skill I can use in a job interview? Oh, yeah. Like, one of my best skills was being popular in high school. Everyone loved being around me and one of my attention, so I think I do great in cells in that regard.

Also, I coached the big team. The big, the big, was it football? Whoa. Excuse me, I'm going over your resume here. It says you coached the big team. That can't be right. What did he do? It says here you were a super cool dude.

Did he do football or basketball in the television show? I think I'm about coach. Yeah. I believe he did the football. Him and Goomster? That's not his name, is it? That's from friends. We'll probably never know.

Can you be like, I was well liked, so you need me. I do great in cells in that regard. I dated all the cheerleaders. And also was them. Please let me sell your cars, please. I was in a horrific lab accident in high school, and I became all of the students all at once. I'd sort of lost my physical tangible form

and became sort of just like a nightmare they all had every night. But it made me, it did make me very popular. I was, you could say I was literally on their minds. Like, I was kind of a hive mind in high school. I was on the speech and debate team and the football team and tennis, and I was a lunch lady and a janitor. I was Jared from the Pretender when I was in high school, and I did every job and was every student,

and everybody liked me and was in love with me. And some thought I was a woman, and a few thought I was a trash can, because I was very good at pretending to be a trash can. I was very convincing. I was this underground lake of shape-shifting slime that was below the school. And at night, I would come back and just sort of repopulate

the school, filling up all of the positions. Let me show you this yearbook real quick. That's me, that's me, if you wouldn't know it, that's me. And the yearbook is made of slime and is also part of me. Anyway, I think I would do great in sales. Can I sell your cars, please? Let me ask you this. Can you try this strategy in a job interview

if you're a hyper permissive parent that let high school kids have parties at your house? Listen, let me just put it this way. I know a few teens. I know where they hang out, and it's my house. I'm pretty plugged in to what teenagers are into. If you're, oh my God, if you had hyper permissive parents in high school, if you went to somebody's party

where it's like, I don't know. Yeah, Dylan's parents let us have cool crazy parties at our house constantly. What if their parents were market researchers? Like when you went to the party, did you ever see like new gadgets or perhaps a new formulation of breakfast cereal? Then you have to sign an NDA.

Like where the box is labeled and they just had like A, B, and C written on them? What the fuck, this Coca-Cola tastes like vanilla. Yeah, that's strange, but what did you think about the vanilla Coca-Cola? Would you tell a friend about it? Would you tell 10 friends about it? Would it trend?

Bryce? Can I fill this form out, please? Have a great time. Hi, I'm not Dylan's dad, Bry Boy. They call, Bry, Bry. Bry, Bry. I'm Bry, Bry. I'm not Dylan's dad.

That's the important thing. What do you think of the music we're listening to right now? Is this, how does this, does this make it, if you were listening to this in a store, would it make you very compelled to buy something? Compelled to buy something? So, so not compelled to buy something or very not compelled to buy something?

Man, these red walls are pretty cool, huh? What do you think of this color? Do you think that this color is intriguing? How does it make you feel? Does it make you feel warm or scared? How long has the pepper spray that I sprayed in your eyes been burning and how much longer do you think it would be burning?

Would this, I'll let you out of here as soon as you tell me what I want to know. Can you escape from the handcuffs? Are they too tight? Not tight enough? Very too tight. I'd like you to meet my friend, Teddy Cruz. We can just keep his last name Cruz

because it sounds like cool. This is my friend, Teddy Cruz. Hey, what's up? Do I seem affable? Would you want to get a drink with me? The only way that this works is if you roll into the job interview and do like a sweet kick flip on your skateboard, I guess.

I think everybody's on those rolly boards now. Okay, you roll in on your rolly boards. What's a rolly board? You know, a rolly board. Like the hover, they're not hover boards, but everybody calls them that even though they're not that for sure, by definition not that.

But that's okay. You roll in, you do a kick flip, it explodes underneath you and you get the job. I would give that person a job instantly. Are you kidding me? That would be the fucking sweetest thing I've ever seen in my life. What if the person, okay, this is,

I was going to just claim this idea as my own, but a game recognized game, Rachel Rosing. This one is Yahoo Answers user bisexual response. Really just putting a fine point on it. Bisexual says, no, being popular is not a good skill. It's not a skill at all. What if the person interviewing you was bullied in school? What if they were the loser that everyone hated?

Fuck. Well, then bullying is the skill you'd have to use. Give me the job, Derek. Okay. I'm going to pull your wiener. And show it to the whole office. No, please, please. I want six figures.

I'm going to pull out your little boy pee-pee and show it to everybody in the office. And I'm going to walk you around and make sure everyone gets a good look at your little, your little wieners. Is this your family? Is this a picture of your family? They're beautiful.

You should be very proud. You should be proud of this beautiful family you made. With your little wieners. You fucking overturn a toilet and dump it on him. I never bullied anybody, so you can tell like I don't know how to do it. I'll bring the swirly to you. The lovely suit.

It would be a shame for anything to happen to it. Justy, you want to hear another question? I would love to. More questions in 2016. That's my thing. I had to console my kindergartners today when they found out George Washington died. Rule of threes, man.

Next week, we're studying Abraham Lincoln. How can I make next week's topic less traumatizing? Especially when little Billy said, just as long as Abraham Lincoln's fine. Washington I could deal with, okay? I get it. He was old as fuck, but. Lincoln?

Let me finish the question. That's from Bearer of Bad News in California. Thank you. Okay, now do your little jokes. It is kind of a shame that you would have to spend the whole class building up how awesome George Washington was, and then it's always going to end with, then he died. He was a super cool dude who did a lot of awesome stuff.

Yeah, he was dead. He was pretty sick. Yeah, you know how he died of bloodletting? You guys are like, we did it to him. They leave that out of Hamilton. Yeah, that would be great. One last ride. Anyway, I'm going to go to the doctor.

We'll catch you guys on the on the Felipe dip. One second. I don't think it will be any problem at all. I don't think it will be intense. Right back. And then we're going to that new hand place at 6.30, right? Tight, tight, tight. Meet you there.

Anyway, hey, yo, Doc, what's up? And then I've got a plan for universal health care. I'll tell you guys where the third page of the Declaration of Independence is buried. And I tell you guys, I got this great plan. It's called getting rid of slavery right now in 1770, whatever, BRB. Cool, cool, cool.

Listen, I'm halfway done signing the executive order, but I got the carpal tunnel. So I'm going to take a quick position break, and then I'll get back to signing in the executive order to end slavery. I'll just put that one arm on there. Oh, that's rough. You got to lie to him.

And then he ascended. Well, no, not that. Just like, he's still around. Like, do you? There's no way. How is that better? I mean, he's watching us all to this day. Abraham Lincoln, one of our bravest, our most decisive,

and also our most secretive president. Where's he today? Nobody knows. No, that's horse apples, because there's seven billion people on Earth now. And in your lifetime, you meet, like, what, like 100? And then Abraham Lincoln, like, statistically, probably is not going to be one of those.

It's like Bigfoot. Is that the story you give them is this? Abraham Lincoln was watching a play. He got shot in the head by John Willisbooth. No, he missed. Three days later, no, he got better, and he's like, well, I'm not going to do this again. Fuck this.

Fuck this. I'm out. Did you see that shit? I got shot by it, dude. I got shot in the head. Like, I have to go. I don't want to be around you. More somebody else can be president.

Where are you going to go? I'm going to go plant apple trees across this great nation of ours. And then just travel, see the world. And that's the story of the pretender. I'm going to go start an anonymous. I want to go start an anonymous. Let's stupid Andrew Johnson be president for a while. Let people take pot shots at him.

This sucks. Wait, who? I'm sorry, who? Andrew Johnson, our 17th president. And is that a real guy? Wow. Maybe Andrew Johnson's our most secretive president because Scott's the only way to do this.

I can. Do you want me to skip ahead to Grant? I'll skip to Grant. I think I only know Washington, Lincoln, Andrew Jackson. JFK. I know of JFK. Travis, don't stop. This is all the presidents know.

Isn't JFK when you are playing wow, when you have to leave the room? Stop it. JFK. JFK, bio break. Bio break. I'm watching JFK. I'm Netflix.

Be right back. I gotta find out who this dude is. JFK. Hey, guys, we can start the raid back into the left. Solid. I don't know my presidents. Who did you think you, what do you think happened after Abe Lincoln got his, got?

They took some time off. No, I'm okay. But like, who do you think followed him? I mean, I know it was the next president. Okay. But like, how do you follow up Lincoln? And everybody's like, you're just as good. I think you're destined to be forgotten

if you're the guy after Lincoln. That's a good point. Tell me anything about, please tell me about this Andrew Johnson guy, please. Anything? He got probably a pretty surprising telegram one day. I never thought it would happen to me. He was just in a ball with all of his friends.

And his dad just finished saying, Andrew Johnson, you'll never amount to anything. You've got to get serious. And Andrew Johnson with all of them, all of his friends, and he was at the Panda Express. And he was like, I don't have to listen to him. What's the worst that could happen? And then he gets a telegram saying,

you're president of the United States. So him and his bodyguards said bad, went to DC, and they started running the country, but they started running it how a kid would. So it's like, it's like everybody gets free hot dogs. And he like filled the oval office pool with like, marshmallows and stuff, and he made it. And like, some of this, like his stuffy,

like the stuffy cabinet members, he made them all wear sunglasses and say executive orders, like, what's up, dude, and things like that. And that's how Andrew Johnson gift president got his stuff. He was a way better president than Lincoln. Yeah, he was a really cool president. The people don't remember. And that is?

And how long was he president? Until he was impeached, I think. Hmm? By which they mean they put him in a big vat of peaches. No, I mean, he was impeached. Oh, no. Oh, no. What happened?

Don't tell your kindergarten there's that. That's going to really bum him out. Lincoln's dead, but I think Johnson got impeached. What? After he did that cool thing with the shades? Wait, he was, no, he was not impeached. Not on me. No.

Don't like fucking cast dispersions. You're the one who told me about like his marshmallow pool. What are you worried about factually after? Yeah, but it didn't, they didn't impeach him. They were like, listen, we've been too serious about everything. We really need to loosen it up. He impeached himself because he knew that was the right thing to do for the country. He was the only other president to be impeached other than Bill Clinton.

Is that real? Someday somebody's going to write a fucking musical about how fucking wrong you guys are about Andrew Johnson right now. It's called Not Without My Johnson. Stop! How could this happen? Yeah, he didn't do a good job. Like in his defense, in Andrew Johnson's defense,

he probably didn't think history would remember. And by the way, if Andrew Johnson's whole fucking scam was like, I'm actually going to live super high on the hog and like get crazy and buck wild constantly and steal from America and do whatever I want and have sex with lots of broads and guys, whatever. I don't care because history will not remember. And then my middle brother was like, Andrew who? I think his pain worked out perfectly.

Somewhere he dropped his shades and went exactly. Exactly. That would be an amazing, now that I think about it, that would be an amazing musical. That would be an amazing musical. Andrew Johnson, stay off. Andrew, please fucking govern the country. Nah, I'm going to go bust a nut. Andrew, please God, do anything.

Our nation is being torn apart right now. Nah, nah, nah. Nah, nah, nah, nah. Nah, pass me them bonbons. Give me those bonbons or stuff with money. It's all about the Johnson's, babe. You don't have a currency named after you. Nah.

It's the $18 bill. Not yet. Have you been taking bribes? Yes. And peyote. You guys want to know the dirt. Like you guys want to know the dirty shit he did. You ready?

Yes. Get your ears ready because this shit's dirty. Call Danielle Steele because it's about to get ribbed in here. The house's primary charge against Johnson was the violation of the Tenure of Office Act. Passed by Congress the previous year. Specifically, he had removed Edwin M. Stanton, the Secretary of War, whom the Tenure of Office Act was largely designed to protect, from office and replaced it with General Ulysses S. Grant.

So he booted a dude. He booted a dude who had a law made that you couldn't do. How bad was he at his job that his friends had to pass a law to protect him? I know you dudes are going to have to impeach me, but like, I got to do what I got to do. I got to get this fool out office. I got it. He's the only one who knows my secrets.

I got to bust my nut. That guy walked into the Oval Office like, President Johnson, what are you doing? You're out of here, war general guy. Can I suggest a sub podcast, like a new podcast series, where we just go like, it's only like 40... We just get every president his like, dude. So no, you cannot hide from our ever-watchable eye.

Like, I want to get all the presidents. Look at you, Polk. But you know what? I'm sorry. I've seen Hamilton twice and you'll never convince me he wasn't our best president. Oh, fuck. That's the end of the show.

Thank you so much for listening to it. I hope you have fun. We have two new very exciting projects to tell you about. On Tuesday, which is tomorrow, you're going to get two new podcasts. One is called Still Buffering. That's my wife, Sydney, and my sister, Lyle Riley, who is a teenager. And talking about how it was being a teen when they were growing up

and how it is now for teenagers. I learned a lot. It made me feel kind of old, but also kind of plugged in because I wasn't aware that Sydney mentioned bringing, on the first episode, Sydney mentioned bringing a folder of CDs to a party and Riley was in terror at that idea. I was like, oh my god, I guess it is kind of whack. I didn't even really think about it.

But that's called Still Buffering and that's on Tuesday. Trav, do you want to tell them about the other show that will normally be on Fridays, but will also have its first episode on Tuesday? Yeah, we're launching a show called Shmanners. It's me and my wife, Teresa McRoy. I'm talking about etiquette and manners in the modern age and some stuff that may seem old fashioned and a little archaic,

but I think it still applies in the modern world. And that's kind of our hypothesis. So our first episode is dealing with thank you notes and our second episode is all about table manners. The first episode is coming out Tuesday, so tomorrow. And the second one will be on Friday. So you'll get a double dose this first week. And then after that, every episode will be up on Friday.

I'm really looking forward to it. My wife is like really, really good at this and knows way more about manners and etiquette than I do, and I make no claim to know anything about them. And if you want to find out more about it or just find links to like check out the promos, I'm going to remind you. McRoyshows.com has links to all of our projects,

including the video projects. So you can find all of them, my brother, my brother, and me videos, the Monster Factory videos, Griffin's Amiibo Corner. Thank you. There's a new one up, by the way, if you haven't seen it, of Yoshi. Oh! New Yoshi.

And maybe some other stuff you didn't already know about. And there's links to all the Twitter accounts and Facebook groups and everything. Go check it out. And Rachel and I have a podcast called Rose Buddies. We talk about The Bachelor. It's pretty good. And I'm going to get an podcast feed.

Before this episode goes up, there, I've said it. I threw my hat over the fence. I also want to say I got the new PO Box set up. No, nice. Yeah, it's PO Box 909 Van Nuys, California, 91408. And I want to thank everybody who sent stuff already. We got a bunch of presents in the old PO Box. So thanks everybody who sent something.

And I want to say a special thank you to Stuart Wellington, who sent me some immune boosters and a first aid kit because I have announced that should I die, Stuart has to take over for me until death do us blurt. And he's trying to keep me alive as long as he can. And should Abraham Lincoln die? I will take over as the nation's chillest dude. Thank you to John Roderick and the Long Winters

for the use of our theme song into departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. You can find it on iTunes. You can find it on Amazon. You can find it wherever music is sold. Suncoast? Is that still a thing? Suncoast, maybe?

Sam Goody? You could probably just buy a Sam Goody at this point. Yeah, sure. And then just keep all the Long Winters albums you find there. And did we say the other next? God, Sam Goody's been out of business for a decade. Oh my God. Did we say to listen to the other Max Fun shows?

Do that. Yeah, go listen to the other Max Fun shows. Stop podcasting yourself. Jordan, Jesse, go. Throwing shade. So many amazing shows on the network. Just go to maximumfun.org. You'll find them all there.

All right, that's it. Yep. Finally, Yahoo! Send in by level9000. Yadru, Drew, Drew Davenport. Thank you, Drew. It's by YadruAnswersUserCole who asks, Are all Power Rangers episodes swareless

or do some have swearing for my kids? God, I wish. My name is Jesse McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. Fuck, fucking morphing time. This is me, my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your pants, go on the lips.

maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hello, internet. I'm Travis McElroy. And I'm Teresa McElroy. She is my wife.

And he's my husband. And it is our pleasure to introduce to you a brand new podcast. Shmanners. It's Extraordinary Etiquette. For ordinary occasions. Teresa, let me ask you this. Can you teach me how to write a thank you note?

Yes, I can. How about tips to improve my table manners? I'll do my best. And will you finally explain to me the difference between casual and business casual and cocktail and formal and black tie and all that stuff? If anybody can, I can. But like it's going to be funny, right?

Of course. I'm going to give historical origins and how those manners fit into our everyday lives. How could it not be funny? But also sometimes we'll talk about like burps and farts, right? Yeah, when not to. But we'll still talk about it. Yes.

Great. So come join us for our new hilarious show. No RSVP required. Coming to you soon every Friday on MaximumFun.org. It's Shmanners. Man or shmanners, get it?