My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 289: Ben Stiller's Museum Nights

Episode Date: February 8, 2016

Welcome, all, to our most fanciful episode yet! It's got everything: Extremely wrong-headed Super Bowl predictions, Travis' mushroom-tainted movie memories and a brief lesson on Mogwai rights. Come with us on a three-way mind voyage! Suggested talking points: The Hug Heard Round the World, Mushroom Movie Editions, A Very Terrible Towel, Office Traps, Pirate Jeffcoats, Emu President

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everyone, and welcome to this very special episode of My Brother, My Brother, and Me. My name is Justin McElroy. My name is Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. We come to you. After what many are calling the hug heard round the world last night, two teams met on the field of athletic competition, preparing for the biggest sporting event of the

year. Caroline Winthers and the Denver Broncos lined up against each other, and then apropos of nothing before the first ball had been thrown or kicked or kicked or rolled or rolled. Sometimes they just roll it. That's a good trick play, by the way. That's a good thing. That's a high school football coaches. You just roll the ball and I was like, what do I do? So I go on to the story. Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning crossed the line of scrimmage, illegal, not just a lot of sports, but actual an actual crime. Listen, the scrimmage line is there for a reason. And he walked across the line of scrimmage to opposing quarterback Cam Newton. It was quarterback v quarterback. It was in a rare play, quarterback v quarterback.

They were in the multi-ball bonus round. They set the ball aside and simply embraced. I think my favorite part was as you watched the transition on Cam Newton's face, is he was like, what are you doing, man? What are you doing? So right. And then he just like, got it. And that's how I felt watching at home was, I get it. And it was like, we were all hugging Cam Newton. It was like, all of us were hugging each other simultaneously. I felt so connected to everybody. I just called the game right there. I spilled a Coke all over my friend, Johnny, because we hugged, but I was holding a Coke in my hands and it just got all over him. And then I realized that cameras were filming us. And this

was actually a cool commercial I was in. I felt like I was embracing everybody on earth at the same. I was embracing Donald Trump. I was embracing Kim Jong-un and Kim Jong-dose and the whole family. The whole set. The whole set of Kim Jong's, all of them. We were all embracing as one people and it was kicked off because two men, it was like, what if they threw a football war and nobody came? And those two people did come. And they were finally able to set aside their differences. I felt like I was, you know what, Justin? I felt like I was hugging myself. Like I was finally able to forgive myself for all, for everything, for all of my crimes against humanity. It almost made me forget about the game itself in which Cam Newton and his good,

good passing just completely dunked up on that big old dinosaur, Peyton Manning. How hard that he lost. And then he cried because it was the last game of his career and he lost it so fucking bad. He lost it super bad. He lost it super bad. He was like, it was my last one. And he cried and cried and cried. The crying tears of an old, old man. And I was like, fuck, Peyton. See, I saw them hug for 20 seconds and I figured the game would not be held. I turned it off. No, they still did it. And they still did it. They didn't televise it, though, which was weird. Peyton was at the game. Yeah. Peyton got posterized. He got dunked upon. It was weird. I, the way I heard it, they just hugged the entire time. And then all like the

water, the hydration specialists, as I say, the water boy, they all hugged. And then after about like an hour and a half, Coldplay came to the middle of the field. They're like, oh, right. Okay. So like, are we still going to do this show or what? Or is everybody just going to hug? Bruno Mars hugs Coldplay. And they were like, don't you do this, man. Don't you do this to me. It's not your fault, Coldplay. Don't you do this to me, Bruno Mars. It's not your fault. He was all yellow. Hey, hey, look at me. I'd catch a grenade for you. Um, that's Chris Martin. In case you're curious, that's what it sounds like. Chris Martin cried. And also every record Coldplay has ever released. It sounds like that too. Yeah.

Yellow. Do you guys remember when we used to predict the Super Bowl by putting the illiteral team animal or beings in a room together and having them fight to the death? Like one, one time it was the Cardinals and something else. And we talked about like a bunch of, a bunch of popes just like fucking with machetes, taking on, taking on some, some Seahawks or something. This is something we talked about on my brother, my brother, me. Yeah, we did. So you've just like transformed. So like welcome everybody to the my brother, my brother, me fancast, my brother, my brother and me. Well, no, I'm saying maybe I'm saying let's, let's get into it. My brother, my brother and you. No, cause this is a great question. It's not a great

question. No, shut up and listen, this is, I haven't even gotten to the fucking question yet. Ten big, beautiful horses. Clydesails? We talking Clydesails? Yeah, I think those, those are qualified as Broncos. I think a Bronco is also a little bit fucking loco. They are, they buck as I understand. They got that going for them. Versus 10 Panthers in a room just big enough to hold all 20 of these animals. It's a, like a fucked up, redundant Noah's Ark. Well, the problem group. Who's coming out that, that cage? Your Panther is a stealth killer. Yeah. Right. That's not, they're not really like your, your straight up fair fight. They're more of like a pounce on you from the tree or some kind of canopy.

Whereas your Bronco, that's just a straight up murderer. So I think they're going to stamp, they're going to stamp on them. They're going to champ on them. Champ, champ on them? Yeah. You know how they, they champ at the bit. They're going to champ on them. Are you just saying champ, but bad? No, champ. Horses champ. Horses champ at the bit. Horses champ. Yeah, but I think there's something to be said about how much sharp stuff is on a Panther. There's a lot of sharp, there's, there's, there's at least probably 30 sharp things on any given Panther. And they're underquills. And they have those underquills. Do you think it's weird? Like, do you know how good Peyton Manning must be at football? That he is A, so old. 100. And B, his backup is a guy that

literally has the name of the team in his name. His name is Bronco Swiler. Like his name is in there. The quarterback of the Broncos, Bronco Swiler. Like that's right there. Like you must be so good at football because I'd love to be able to say Broncos, Broncos, Swiler. That makes a lot of money. He pronounced his name. Well, you gotta say one weird word. If you don't say Broncos, Swiler, then it's like, you lose the joke. It's got to sound like Bronco. Broncos. This has all been amazing. Really? Yeah. I want to say one more really important thing about the Denver Broncos. Travis Griffin, everybody listen home. If it's safe for you right now, call up a picture of the logo of the Denver Broncos for a second. Just go ahead and pull it up. I'll give you, let's call

it three seconds because I can do it in my head. One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three. Okay. I understand that you have to like spice it up every few years and really make it like sleeker. But in trying to make it like so aesthetically like sleek and get this illusion of like movement, they have drawn a logo of somebody pulling a horse's head off its body. That is right now. This horse has like the reason it's stretched out like that and the reason there's no body is that it just got pulled off the horse's body. It's disgusting. That is just put a picture of a horsey on there. It's not hard. How about just like a big muscular horse like thumbs up thing to you and be like, good football. Yeah. See, that's what's getting

lost here is that I love it when a horse is just fucking diesel. You know what I mean? Yeah. I love it when I love, listen, God's never made a mistake in horse, in the horse world. You know what I mean? What if he was a super diesel horse with a cowboy hat and he was kind of tipping it to you and he had a sweet ass like huge cigar dangling out of his mouth and you could just tell that he was a super cool dude. See, you're losing the musculature and this fucked up stretched out torn off horse head. And honestly, it looks like some sort of, it looks like a snake or maybe like a dinosaur with like neck plates. It's fucking bad. Last note, the Atlanta Falcons have always had and will always have the best logo in professional sports. Yeah, it looks like a super looks like

a superhero logo. Fucking so sweet. So right. And I don't really like the redesign from 03. But anyway, anyway, that so this has been our sports show, my brother, my brother, me and we are also this week going to mix it up with some advice. Our sports show, all the pretty horses. Our sports show horse review. Let's, we obviously have not seen the big game as we were forced to say legally. But I'm sure they had a great time. I'm predicting three defensive touchdowns from the Denver Broncos. My boyfriend, I apologize, by the way, that I sound like Shang Tsung, the fucking emperor warlock from Mortal Kombat is I've tied one on last night. Professionalism, dedication, Chastity. Read the question you ding dong. My boyfriend likes to sit in the very

front row of the movie theater. He has a film degree and insisted it's the best way to watch movies, even though everyone else tells him he is being a pain. He will only go for center seats if it's a 3D movie. That's legit. When we go to the movies in a group, his friends will leave us alone in the front. So they can go sit in the center. How do I convince my boyfriend to sit in the people seats? That's some sore neck and central format. That is such a great way to think about it because you're right. The seats in the front, those aren't people seats. Those are there as a joke. You know, when you get into a theater, I've been to a couple like, you know, open, you know, like opening night, big, big, big time productions of movies. And it's like sold out and you get in

the only seats are in the front row. And you're like, Oh, well, I might as well leave. I would rather sit on someone's lap for the entirety of the movie than sit in the front row seats, because they're not actually there to be sat in. It's like, it's like a joke. Like these are jokes. It is weird. It's like, it's just like, why do they, they shouldn't sell them. The theater's full. Like if that front row is the only room available, the theater is full. There's no place to sit. You can't sit anywhere. They, they leave that whole row of seats for Elijah because he likes to stretch out. He likes to really, he puts up the armrest and he lays down some of the chairs and he just takes a little nap right there. Is there a professor at film school

who's like, Oh yeah, is this in canes? Great. Now lean in everybody. I'm going to tell you something they won't tell you in regular school. The best, the best seats are in the front row. Keep that to yourself. Be cool. That's what they don't tell you. It doesn't even make, it's a nonsensical argument. And here, here is why. If you are, I refuse to believe that the entirety of the film industry has been making movies specifically to be best enjoyed by no one. Unless every film was shot from underneath the actors looking up at them. Yeah. What if it was like that? It was like those pictures where if like you lean it enough, it looks like Abraham Lincoln. Yeah. If you just get all the secret, like it all connects.

Oh, that's such a good, that's such an amazing. So what would those movies, let's, let's use Citizen Kane. Let's use Jurassic Park. And, but it's just filmed like you're just like under and inside John Hammond. So, so from like row five, it's like, this looks really stretched out and fucked up. I don't get like, it sounds like there's some sick dino action happening, but I can't see them. What sucks is actually if you watch Jurassic Park, that's just sort of how Jeff Goldblum looks. So like when you do sit in the front row, you get sort of a different Goldblum. Well, you get a much more like Goldblum. He's like right over you and it's wonderful. Yeah. It's what we all dream of happening all the time. Just being fucking dominated by Jeff

Goldblum. You want to know something weird? I just, one time I went to a movie, I went to see Night of the Museum, the first one. Night of the Museum? Night of the Museum, I believe it was. This is my night. The Museum. This is my night. And something happened. And I, to this day, it still boggles my mind. They were playing it in the wrong format and I could see like the boom mic and the cables on the ground. No, you dream this. This is real. That's just what exactly I was thinking. They clicked it over and then suddenly like the black bar at the top of the bottom. Absolutely not. No, Travis, that's some Toy Story bullshit. You think all movies are actually being acted out in front of you every time you watched it? I see. The Digi Actors got sloppy

in your version. There's no fuck. So what you're imagining is maybe they filmed all of it, but there's a guy that stands up near the projector window with two pieces of black construction. Guys, it's the same. Maybe there's a switch on the projector that's like, you know, in your wide or your like full screen format. Guys, it was so fucked up. I was watching Night of the Museum and then Ben Stiller forgot his line and said line. And it was like really quick. Listen, I also am not 100% sure this wasn't a dream. I'm just saying that this is a memory that I have in my brain. Panca's area in his tunic and his dick was hanging for like a lot of the news. Guys, Amy Adams, fully purple rose of chiroate out of the screen and asked me to come

with her on an incredible adventure. It's awesome. Wait, maybe that's why this person sits so close to the screen. No, maybe if you've gone to film school long enough, you know that it's not every movie viewing, but every 100th movie viewing, you get one of these weird mutation versions of the film where you can enter into the picture. You can warp into it. You can last action hero it. But you have to be sitting real close, right? Or Arnold's not going to pick you. Maybe if you sit close enough, you can see behind the giant black letter boxes that they raise and lower to cover. You can peek over and see the craft service to you. Yeah, exactly. Travis, I have that's the most mental thing you've ever had. I swear it's like,

I don't think I'm making it up. Can you form other memories like surrounding that? Can you sum it up a memory of like you and who else was there or like what you did before? His fucking his mushrooms dealer was there. I I can't remember anything else about the day. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Are you are you awake right now? Can we be sure about this? Can any of us be sure? Great. Oh, God, not again. Do you guys want to know who I? I have to know. I have one other question. Travis, when do you have, um, Dwell? Okay. First off, I cannot believe we're nearly 300 episodes before you dropped this fucking Omega bomb on us. Firstly, the greatest thing you ever said

on this entire program. I cannot believe you waited this long to deploy this. That's one. But maybe it needed this much time for the sands of time to eclipse the fact that it was indeed a dream. But secondly, when you have like, uh, observed this, this happening in your mind's eye, what was the logistical reason that you could simmer up for the filmmakers filming things that they would never, ever want the audience to see? Cause they knew it would be in letterbox. Like that was my understanding is like, well, this is going to be shot shown in widescreen format. Exactly. Yeah. No one will ever see the cables. Why even fucking worry about it? When you see Hank Azaria's dick, it's right just right there at the bottom of the screen. So you go, you go

behind that. You, you go behind the letterbox and it's just full as air, full front. You know how in the breakup they shot Jennifer Aniston's ass as she walked to the bathroom naked, but then they were like, no one's going to see it because it's like in the, you know, the widescreen format. Yeah. You know, you know, that's the thing. Oh God, I hope that there are film students sitting in the front row of movie theaters right now tweeting at me. You are right. Man, I gotta say, did I have you guys get proposed of Cairo right into that screen? I hope you get last action hero right through the celluloid. I was tweeting in the front row and Arnold Schwarzenegger turned to me and said, Hey, stop it. I tried to kill predator up here.

That's not what, do you guys want to Yahoo? Please. This Yahoo was sent in by Zoe Kinski. Climb that ladder. How long is she going to be climbing that ladder? Cause I gotta say, as long as it takes, okay, up there, it's by Yahoo answers user, something has gone wrong. Let's call them Steelers Jack. Okay. Asks I, and I, okay. I, fair warning, a preface. This breaks our own rule for the sort of code of conduct for Yahoo's that make it on the show, but it's, it's, it's a, it's a fascinating question. I mass drew a biffed with my terrible towel. Superbowl party. Okay. Um, there's more.

Can you, uh, can you just do your best to like, I don't want to make fun of people's like writing or spelling abilities. Can you just like translate for me what, to the best of your knowledge you're reading there? Like what, what, what is your brain filling in the gaps? Make it say, uh, mass drew a biffed. I think it means they were having a wank, having a, having a wank, having a wank of, um, should I bring a gentlemanly fashion? Should I bring my terrible towel to the Superbowl party tonight? It's the same one that I used to master a bit with. And I just noticed there are stains on it. If I do bring it, I tried to fuck it ramp over that guys. I'm sorry. If I do bring it, my friends will know

I've been masturbating. If I don't bring it, they will question my loyalty to the Steelers and I'll be the only one without a towel. The game kicks off in an hour. Help. Yo dawg, I question your loyalty to the steel. You're either the worst or the best. Yeah. That can I say one thing? Can I say one? I love it. Can I say one thing? One thing on this subject. Can I say one thing? Can I say just one thing first? Can I just say one thing before you say one thing? Let me get in my one thing real quick. Let me just slide it in mine and say it is most certainly terrible. Damn it. That was my one thing. I thought that'd be both of your things. It's an exceptionally terrible towel. It's a very terrible towel. I think they would get it and be

like, is this cum everywhere on this? Why did you do this? And then they would get it like, oh, wait a minute. It was a terrible towel. This has been promoted to Alexander's no good, very bad, horrible towel. Nobody like this towel is not getting invited back to the towel gathering. Everybody's screaming at him like, fuck you, Jerry. And then Steve stands up and he's like, no, he has the worst towel. Yeah. And everyone agrees that they carry a model on their shoulders and then they throw them in a dumpster. Oh, God bless. Maybe it's catches on though and we're sporting trend of the year goes to this guy for coming in towels. Just he's beaten up Vuvuzela's. Congratulations. Throwing batteries at people. Those three trends. This is the worst

one. Can you imagine not bringing your terrible, terrible towel and your friends being like, hey, what? Do you not even care about the Steelers? And you're like, no, I do. I can't even begin to tell you how much I care about the Steelers. It's just my, my terrible towel. You know how you're supposed to like, hold it in your hand and spin it around. Mine isn't, Hash, I don't want to be crass, but it doesn't spin anymore. How do you not have a towel, like two towels, one, one for every day use and one for special occasions? Oh, okay. Forget it. No. What you said at the beginning is legit. This is intentional. You didn't just grab the one towel that you fling around in circles in front of people and not have that sort of like foresight.

Like, well, I mean, yeah, no, no, that's not what happened. Listen, this fucking, we can't, we can't un, we can't un-giz this towel. It happened. No, what happened happened. You can't go back and be like, why didn't you just into literally any other object other than your, your, your, your sports activity? Griffin, when was this question asked? Do you have access to that information? Let me, let me dig in. Let me crack the, let me crack into the CSS. No. Uh, no, I don't, uh, well, yeah, seven years ago. Oh, okay. Do you think this person's a father by now? They're a towel dad. That's for certain. Um, AJ responded and said, you have time to wash and dry it. That's an excellent point, AJ. That's a fucking great point, AJ. If you, if,

especially if you say that on a solo mesh, you could be done 30 minutes. Yeah, that'd be fair. Steelers Jack did use the word stain. Sorry, what was his name? Steelers Jack. Yeah, I didn't think about that one. Listen, it's really good. Get a fucking tied pin, Steelers Jack. This is easy. There's a million solutions. What if you personally bleach your, your terrible towel and it comes out white and now it's a holy towel. You need more about like a tied paintbrush. You're going to need a tied roller. You're going to need a tied gun from Splatoon. Oh, no, wait, I've got it. I've got it. Steelers Jack, you got to go the other way. You're going to have to stain it worse with other stuff and maybe some spaghetti sauce, right? And then you show up and your

friend's like, what? And you're like, it never leaves my side. I, yeah. It's my, it is my spaghetti and also wankin, buddy. I'm like, Arthur Dent over here. That makes me happy. Travis, I was worried you're going to say jerk off everybody else's towel. That would take, that would take planning far outstripping the hour you've got. That's a lot of Oceans 11, you know, getting past the sensors to get to your friend's towels. Maybe if I had a Holocaust club possibly with a month to plan, maybe. We're talking about jerking off onto football towels and you just drop both hitchhikers and, uh, and princess ride references and I'm super proud of you. Thank you. I do what I can. Here's another question. I work in a job that doesn't have

set hours. Most people come in around nine and leave around five. I come in early around seven. I leave around three. Give me a chart for some reason. A few of my coworkers always feel the need to comment on the time I'm leaving work. Oh, going home already. How do I politely tell my coworkers to shut up about the work hours I keep? If it helps, I'm one of the most productive people in the office. Staying at work later doesn't make you better than me in Salt Lake City. Oh, that was their name. Okay. Staying later, you get the idea. Um, I think the easy answer is whenever they come in, be like, you're coming in now, huh? Like give them, give them, give them the same treatment, but on the AM side. Oh yeah. To everybody. To every fucking person.

Your boss, nine o'clock, huh? Weird. Oh, well, two hours of traffic. We've all been there. That's why I left at five AM. You're going to stay late, right? You're going to stay late because of how late you're coming in, right? Just checking. I'm not the boss of you, but I am the most productive person in the office. Yeah. And that's how he got the name Franklin, the total ding-dong that everybody hates. This is rough though because I get it because if you're the first person there at seven and like no one else shows up at nine, there's, it's, it's, those two hours don't exist to anyone else. Yeah. You know what I mean? They don't show up at nine and think, I bet he's been here since seven. You need to send out like some snapchats or something.

Yeah. All right. Something that's like just got to work to like everybody you work with. Or set like enough traps that there's no way you could have done it without a couple hours of planning. What do you, what? Like, you know how like, okay, when the wet bandits showed up at Kevin's house. Fuck me. Can we go a single episode? They did not think, oh man, I bet he just got here five minutes ago. They say it's my favorite part of Home Alone when the wet bandits take a step back and they're like, listen, I hate this dude. Fuck him. Am I right? Am I right? Okay. But wow, right? Wow. Good traps. Good traps, Kevin. He is doing great. Hey, Kevin. Kevin, great traps. It's me, Joe Pesci. I'm a big fan of your traps. The problem with most traps that people, like I'm

saying if you send enough office traps, they show up, they think, God, he's been here for a couple hours, huh? Definitely. Like he got here early. That's one way, it's a way to prove that you've been there for, for a while is to set up plenty of office traps. The problem with office traps, as I have like the ones that I know about, there's very few that are guaranteed to end the way you want them to. Like the, like the thing about the bucket and the door frame, like that probably ends with this, the bottom of a bucket falling on somebody and killing them. Like definitely that's how it ends 80% of the time, I would think. The whoopee cushion, that has never worked. Did you know whoopee cushion has never worked? Yeah, because you sit on it and your butt closes

the lip part and it's just like, you're sitting on a weird balloon for a second. And it just explodes. You're just sitting on a hemorrhoid donut. It's miserable. It doesn't work. What about like a tiger pit? It depends on where you work, I guess. Yeah, I think I would make such a good pit and trying to cover it up with leaves and branches that it would be like, fine. Oh, that, that, that's that patch of the break room that's covered with leaves and branches that's been there for, I don't know, months, but it could backfire because if you started and didn't finish in the two hours before everyone else showed up and they were like, huh, couldn't, couldn't get that tiger pit done, huh? And then you just looked like a real asshole. Yeah. And if you leave it three that day, they're

like, don't you want to finish your tiger pits first? I'm going to finish the tiger pit, Dave. Damn, Dave. Half-asser, Dave. And Tiger's going to go hungry, Dave. That's on you. You guys are going to finish that one tomorrow, huh, Dave? All right, see you at nine. I love that Justin apparently thinks that a tiger pit is a cool place for tigers to eat and hang out and do whatever. Well, that's my favorite part of the tiger pit. I have to assume that because what kind of dumb dumb shit are you suggesting that he has tigers in his office that he's trying to capture? Why would that be that he's got to leave early before dinner? Tiger dinner. Pia, I want you to zoom. I don't want to be in there after three, man.

Yeah. No, that's when the tigers come to life and start talking to Kevin James. Yeah. That's why no one pulls graveyard ships at the Gremlin factory. No one was that gig. Gross. No way. I don't want to be there. Gremlin is a terrible slang term for mogwai. What? Sorry. What? No, sorry, what? I mean, they're called mogwai. Gremlin is the bad thing that they become. It's offensive. Okay. So here. Okay. Wait a minute. Okay. Okay. I think Travis has a point. Thank you. Their species remains constant. They are still mogwai. They have a side of them that we don't particularly care for. Okay. Okay. And we just start using, I mean, let's call it what it is, a slur against mogwai. So was this

cryptozoological civics lesson delivered in the special mushrooms cut of gremlins that the two of you apparently watched together? The bottom, if you could remove the letter box from night around the museum or whatever preposition you try to decide. Night within the museum. If you remove the letter box and you would just see like a mogwai down there at the bottom, giving you like a very thorough lecture about nomenclature and the power of word. Don't use the G word. Yeah. Right. I think it was called Ben Stiller's Museum Nights. Well, I preferred the original Ben Stiller's Museum, but I thought that the sequel was much sexier. Yeah. Way hotter. Should we go to the fucking

money zone? Yeah. Cool. Y'all ain't hear about Blue Apron? Y'all ain't hear me brag about the dope ass meals I've been making with Blue Apron? Did you make that steak, Sammy? Oh, yeah. Oh, you know, you know we made that steak, Sammy. Yeah. That's Sammy with a, there was like a Sammy that had like onions and mushrooms, which like, I'll tell you what, I never ate mushrooms until I got here. Oh, same. Like I enjoy a mushroom at a restaurant. I never, ever cooked with them. And then it was like the featured guy in the last week of ingredients. And it was like on point. There's some good mushroom eating. Well, for less than $10 meal, Blue Apron delivers all the fresh ingredients

you need to create home cooked meals. You just follow the easy step by step instructions. Okay, there. Go. Yes. Yeah. It's an ingredient delivery service and they have recipes and you get amazing, really, really, really tasty meals. I have a beef taco with mole that is still waiting for me. I'm really, really excited. Maybe I should bring that to the Super Bowl party I'm going to today. Just two tacos with mole and steak. This is for me. Thank you. This is for me. Please don't watch me eat this. Please don't watch me eat this. Coming up this week, the meals this week are roast chicken supreme with mashed potatoes, gravy and maple glaze carrots, spiced salmon with black rice, avocado and blood orange salad.

Oh my goodness. Steak sandwich with caramelized onions, garlic aioli and honey roasted parsnet fries. Oh my God. Meatball honey roasted chicken and baby sweet potatoes with stir-fried sesame bok choy. Jesus Christ. And they've got vegetarian options as well. Yeah. So no matter what your dietary preference is, Blue Apron makes it a breeze to discover and prepare dishes like the ones that we've been talking about. Right in your own kitchen. You don't have to go to somebody else's kitchen. Here's a pro tip secret from Travis McRoy. We get the ones that are like for two people, for me and Theresa, and there's always tons of leftovers. This'll be like your lunch the next day. It's such a good deal. You can get your first two meals for me. Here's a

pro tip for me. No, there's not. Oh no. Okay. Whoops. You can get your first two meals for free at BlueApron.com slash my brother. That's BlueApron.com slash my brother. I know we like, we're always very effusive about the products we advertise on this show because like frankly, they're all baller and if they weren't, we wouldn't do it. But like a Blue Apron has changed my life because I am like cooking constantly now and I love to cook, but I hate shopping for shit. And this is like, this is the ideal way to cook meals. Check it out. I also want to tell you about Squared Space. We've been talking about Squared Space. Squared Space has been a sponsor of us for a long time, but I could say that we built the macroshows.com website on Squared Space.

It's got links to like all of our projects and stuff, but the important part is everybody who looks at it, no joke has said, wow, what a professional website. Like it looks so good. Yeah. It's like a weird involuntary like hive mind response. Yeah. And I did it in about 45 minutes. Like it was the most straightforward just structure. It was so simple and so user friendly. I recommend it. If you're looking to build a professional looking website, but you have no idea what you're doing, Squared Space is the way to go. And if you are looking to start a project, here's the good news. You can start your free trial today. Yeah. Try it for free and you know, you don't have to pay anything to start. And then if you like what you're doing,

trust me, you will, then you can worry about that. But right now it's free. Go to SquaredSpace.com slash my brother. You should. Squared Space. I am. You should. Justin, can I tell you something? Do it. You should. I, you should. Squared Space. All right. I'm just trying a couple different reads and we can just. I like that. I have a message for Spud and it's from, don't laugh at that. Okay. It's from McBabby. If you want to get a message on the show, personal message or a message for your small business, go to maximumfund.org slash Jumbotron. It's really easy. Stop sending weird shit. They don't have to be weird, you guys. They don't have to be weird. We literally, just like a quick disclaimer, we have turned down like two or three Jumbotron ads this week and we

hate doing it because like we know it's always like in a good spirit, but just like, please, I just need to be able to understand what I'm saying. Like. I mean, I'm less worried about that and more worried about like, don't have a say like creepy stuff to. Maybe 2015 is the year of Jumbotron sincerity. Just like. Yeah. Keep it real. Just keep it very real. That said. Here's a message for Spud from McBabby. This is a very sincere message. Hey, Spud. Happy belated birthday. Thanks for being a good friend, always believing me and not murdering me when we finally met. Talk to you later. I like this a lot. I like this concept of just like, listen, we're all just a bunch of fucking primal beasts, aren't we? I love this idea of just like,

hey guys, thanks for, thanks for not murdering me. Yeah. Well, maybe this was one of those Craigless friendships. Sure. That's yeah. Friend for friend. Friend for friend. Looking for friend. And then it's like, oh, I hope this person is actually my friend. Absolutely. Stabbers. Absolutely. Not looking for somebody just to just jerk off with. Absolutely not what this is. Don't even bring it up. Sexual friend for friend. No stabbing, please. No stabbing. Stabbers need not apply. Just going to read this next one. Hell yeah. This one's going out to Amanda from, that's a fucking cool name. Yeah, for sure. I thought I was reading one name. Then halfway through, I thought I was reading another one. It's like, mm, daddy like. So daddy

like Amanda. This message is from Jackie. Here it is. Dear Amanda, I'm sorry for getting high and taking a shit in the monastery. Done. I didn't know where I was and I got confused. Thank you for cleaning me up. I know I was totally wasted and I owe you one. Thanks for letting me live in your house too. No one could ever love me like you. That says love always Jackie. What happened? You know what? I choose to believe that this is 100% sincere. I love that. I'm into that. I believe it is sincere or possibly is a message that Amanda bought for herself from her dog Jackie. That is my other, that was my other possible option. You know when dogs get super high and they take shit places. Well, the second half of that happens

and I assume dogs are getting high too because like how else are they getting through? Hello there. My name is Graham Clark and I'm Dave Shumka and together we host a podcast called Stop Podcasting Yourself. This is a file that you download from the internet and then you listen to it in your pod. What's that about you ask? Well, who are you to ask? Who do you think you are? Yeah, get lost bozo. We're a couple of stand up comedians in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada and every week we bring a guest on the show. Sometimes they're Canadian, sometimes they're not, sometimes they're a ghost. It's like you're sitting in on a friendly afternoon chat. Plus we're Canadian so you get a tax break. You can find us on iTunes or online at maximumfun.org.

Do you guys want a yahoo? Yes. I guess I do. I have two extremely good ones and I want to get to both of them. Do we have any like are the rest of the email questions like totally baller or can I do two yahoo's in a row? Scraps, what do you say? They're all pretty good but we can do yahoo's and then just save them for next week. I can also save the yahoo's for next week. Let's see how it goes. This one was sent in by Jacob Powell. Thank you Jacob. It is by yahoo answers user Vanessa who asks, three mysterious stones at my front door? Today I got home and saw that there were three stones lined up at my front door. This is the second time I've seen something like this at my door. Does anyone know what this could be or mean? I've asked my family and no one seems to know how it

got there. Uh-huh. Pirate curse? Explain. Like a black spot? Like this is, I don't think it's the same as the black spot because the black spot is like hey you betrayed us and now we have to kill you. Yeah it's also a black spot. Three stones is like you've been chosen as the new pirate. You got chose. You're dumb being chose. Hi I'm a pirate and you got chose. You're on my team now. Welcome to the squad, squad goals. Have you ever seen Wild and Crazy Kids? Yeah. You know how they have teams? Well that's based on pirate teams. The old tradition. The concept of people working together? Based on pirate teams. Do you remember pirates used to get together and roll like a giant stone around while they were festooned with ribbons and you could only get the ribbons by killing each

other? Well they soften that a bit. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Travis, Travis, Travis, are you literally high right now? Are you literally on acid? Did you drop right before we started recording this comedy podcast together? No. Not that I know of. Because you've been saying some next level shit. It's 8.55 a.m. more Travis's. That's correct. I've had my morning coffee. I took the dog on a walk and I thought about pirate teams. So you're saying, so Travis just so I can understand what you're saying. You're saying that one day like a pirate was sword fighting with a British naval officer and another pirate came up from behind and stabbed the British naval officer and he was like, how dare you? What is this witchcraft? I was fighting him, not you. But then the first

pirate's like, well I gotta go and he jumps onto his pirate ship and sails it by himself like, fuck this sucks. Oh my god, it's so hard. I'm jigging the mast and I have to steer it. I have to look out for sharks and whales. Oh, I wish I could get some fucking help. You know the term every man for himself? Yeah. Okay. That was it for a long time. That was it. The Bible was very short for a while. One day he taught me Jeff Coates great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather Captain Jeff Coates. Had me my Jeff Coates. Fuck that shit. It's a coach made out of Jeffs. The Jeffs that I'm killing. So that they may not see me Jeff. I don't know where to stab him. He's just, he's all Jeff.

He's just Jeff from the front of the raft. He's just fucking Jeff all over. I don't get it. From starboard to port, he's all Jeffs. What? He's Jeff from tip to toe. That's crazy. Every time I join him, every time I think I draw a beat on a Jeff, another Jeff takes his place. I've lopped off so many Jeffs. Okay. Are we going to talk about the three stones? Or is this, is this the discussion now? Captain Jeff Coates. Yeah. Yeah. Bobby Jeff Coates, great, great, great grandfather. Or how many greats than that? There's a lot of greats. Yeah. Too many greats. I think you put them in like, yeah, each one lives, lives to be 12 has a child in guys.

If you say like the dread pirate Robert, if you see an 11 and a half year old named Jeff looking panicked and horny, that is, that is a Jeff coat. No question about it. He's got, he has got to continue the line. Like a tzatzi fly. The, the, the show Wild and Crazy Kids was about Donnie Jeff Coates trying to find a successor that was savage enough and also 12. Wild and the most crazy kid. What are these three stones? All right, let's do this back to back Yahoo situation. This one is sent in by Brooks Oglesby. Brooks Oglesby maybe needs a name because this is like the third or fourth one of his that I've

read. We'll think about it. Okay. We'll have it for the next time. Thank you, Brooks. It's by Yahoo who answers user anonymous who asks, do you think we'll ever have an emo president? Imagine a president of the United States, skinny jeans, long emo hair, all that jazz. Well, uh-huh. What do you think teens? First of all, I don't think jazz is a big part of the emo scene. Oh, but if it were, oh, but if it were, well, dark your lips to God's ears. Dark jazz is, what's that? Dark jazz. That's what emo kids like are into dark jazz. And what is, yeah, so it's just like, with like, you know, onyx trumpets and stuff.

So hold on, no. Dark jazz is all about the zeal for life that they don't have. Yeah. It's all about the notes that you don't play because you're dead. I liked mine better, Travis. Let's pretend it was just cut mine. Just cut Travis's. You're out. Do you think we'll ever have that emo president that our country deserves to make us all great again? Vote for me or don't. Whatever. Shut up. At this point? At this point? I might think about it. Hey, that's very low pressure. I'm into it. Yeah. If someone was up on that stage, a big, beautiful, honorable, debating stage, but they had that long emo hair and the jeans would be very skinny on this person.

How skinny? Talk about some nuh-huggers. Okay. You asked. I know. Do you think that we would find him especially electable? I would find him delectable, but would I find him electable? You know what we love in this country, Griffin? Change. We love change. We embrace it. We just look for something different. I'm sick of those insider baseball politicians who they've been doing it all wrong for so long, and I'm ready for somebody who's going to get up there and tell me how it is in a depressing manner, but honest, honest, honest, but more depressing, like a

depressing. Can a whole emo band run for president? Like, hi, I'm president Newfound Glory. Is that a Newfound Glory and emo band? Yeah. Well, they were Pop Punk, but they had, you know, they were in the scene, but they weren't Christian Pop Punk. Okay, that's fine. Fall Out Boy then. Hi, I'm president. Fall Out Boy is not an emo. You don't actually know an emo band. Dashboard professional? That's definitely in there. Could we elect an emu president? Hi, everybody. I'm an emu and we all vote for him and we're like, fucking, that's so funny and cool. We got an emo and then the emu's like, hey, big news, I have some decidedly draconian opinions on abortion. Like, whoa, we thought it was so funny

and cool that we elected an emu president, but you have some decidedly draconian opinions on abortion. We did not pay any attention to his platform. We didn't think about his long graceful neck. We just thought about how graceful he would look in an oval office. How great those future stamps would be. Just the best stamps. Wouldn't it be great? Wouldn't it be so fucking funny, though? Because you would see, you know, that one where it's like rows of press, like you see like those charts, right? With like the different paintings of the presidents and like his would just be a neck and then just like reaching up into Lyndon Baines Johnson would be an emu head because he didn't fit in the frame. So fucking funny.

Our first three-term president. Yeah, because because he cannot get him to leave. He is incredibly fast and incredibly vicious. And he's got those kicking legs. Yeah, those kicking legs with the sharp claws. We'll have to elect President Ostrich to take him down. Because that's the only thing. Yeah. I bet you let me in there with a gun. You would think, but he took all our guns away. Not mine. I hit it. Where'd you hide it, Garwin? In a box. He just like can't get in there. No thumbs. No thumbs. Sharp claws. So I was saying like... You were talking about emus? I was talking about emos. But then he realized we knew less about emo than we do about emus.

Improbably. That's true. Against all odds. This question stinks. You stink. Read a normal one from a normal human. Wikipedia says that emus, in addition to their diet of insects, emus drink infrequently. And I kind of feel like that maybe isn't necessarily a good thing. Maybe they should like, if they had magazines to tell them to drink more, maybe they'd be getting ahead in the world, you know? You're saying they're just not... It's really good, just because they're not hydrated. Are you guys thirsty? Yeah. Well, whatever. That's what I'm saying is like, emus should be drink... Maybe if emus were drinking more, they'd be doing a bit better.

All right. Can we... Okay. And have more energy in their day-to-day lives. But you know how no emu has ever accomplished anything ever? Yeah, right. Like maybe they would be president if they would just fucking just keep a printed with them. Or get some electrolytes or something. You know, you could drink green tea. That's hydrating as well. Yeah. And like, it's not as carbonated as black tea, so like you can still go to bed on time. This is episode 289. We've done this 288 and almost one extra on top of that times now. Yeah. Is this our most fanciful episode? I feel like we've gone on some fancy flights on this one. Some flights of fancy, just some fucking absurdist like mind, mind voyages together. Yeah. And mentioning that

during the podcast is one way to really submit your comedic legacy. You know, I love my favorite episodes of MST3K are the ones were in the last 15 minutes or so. They take the puppets off and they just talk to each other about like, how did you guys think the jokes went today on this one? And they sometimes they still use their hands to talk with the puppet voices, but like the puppets, they're not wearing them anymore. They're just like, they just talk about how the show went. Okay, but just even that is a pretty fanciful thought. I mean, the one I just said, yeah, it's kind of whimsical. Are we trapped in like a fanciful say something, Griffin, say something logical. Griffin. Okay. I can't. I'm incapable of it.

I like in the Monty Python, when they switch from the dead parents get they have one of their famous transitions to like one of those cartoons. And it's just God's face like, hey, listen, guys, I think this one maybe got a little bit much. Oh my God, they do say the bits are gotten too silly. Monty Python does comment on how their shit is going. Is that what we need to aspire to? Yeah, no. Yeah, I don't want, yeah, I don't want like a bunch of people quoting Monty Python jokes that is on screen. That's supposed to be out in a major way. Oh man, RIP Twitter indeed. I definitely can't go on there. No, no, no. It's just a landmine. Pull the cord. Get out. Get out. How many birds can carry it? Get me out of here. I'll see you guys at beach.

Look at my silly walking. Yeah, I'm headed to beach. Get me out of here, JGL. You have a nice to say nine. No, I'm an elo. I can't hear you anymore, but we heard elo. I'm done. This has been our comedy podcast, My Brother, My Brother, and me. It's an advice show for the modern era. I want to say a big thank you to Blue Apron who makes cooking at home easy. You can get your first two meals for free by going to blueapron.com slash my brother. I would like, I have an impassioned plea. It occurred to me this morning, I was on Twitter, if you wield any power on Twitter at all, even base level, Twitter incorporated. I would really like to be verified. I don't know what that takes,

but this has gone on for too long. Yeah, Justin and I have been in the verified club for a while, and let me tell you, the golden trophies we just get in the mail for no reason, if Twitter likes our shit. It's actually getting ridiculous. I just started throwing them away because there's only so much shelf space in the house. I want that. I have a whole shelf for it. Please. I could send you some. Please. Let me be verified. Please. I just, I want it so bad. It means literally nothing, and it gets you nothing on a platform that is now dead because 100% of our interactions are going to be, it's a man eating rabbit. Snee. Snee. It's me, Monty. I still want it. Okay. I still want it. Cool. Goes in all the other Maximum Fun shows. There's a ton of really,

really great shows on the Maximum Fun network. I'm talking about shows like Throwing Shade. I'm talking about shows like Oh No, Ross and Kerry. I'm talking about shows like Can I Pet Your Top? Oh No, Ross and Kerry, by the way, just did, just did Scientology. Yeah, which they've been working on forever. Cannot wait. Yeah. So yeah, there's that. We have a bunch of our other stuff. You can find it all at McRoy shows. I do a Bachelor podcast with my wife called Rose Buddies. I do a new, just launched two episodes in a video game design podcast called Cool Games, Inc. I do one with my wife that we just launched called Shmanners, all about etiquette. We just, our third episode was all about conversation etiquette. And I know that we've had lots of people

ask questions to my brother, my brother and me about like, how do I small talk? Yeah, it's all that. How do I talk to people? And we cover a lot of that in there. So go check it out. And then also, I'm very proud to announce that the things I bought at Sheets is back. It's long. And better than fucking ever, your last episode is a fucking barn, Bronner. Thank you. Thank you, Griffin. It was really an emotional journey when she recorded. I'm glad it really. It made me laugh a lot. Oh God, well, that's it made me think a lot. Thank you, Travis. That's what we're going for. Sheetswithazshow.com. Go to macroshows.com, baby. That's all there. It's all there. It's all there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all there.

I want to thank John Rodger in the Long Winters for his theme song, It's a Departure, off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. He's a sweet man and his tunes really shred. And he's a very tall man. He's a tall, sweet man. So you should listen to his music. Y'all want that final yahoo? Yes, please. This one was sent in by Zoey Kansky. Climb that ladder. Oh, just a few more rungs. Then, oh, oh, get in there. Thank you, Zoey. It's by Yahoo Answers users. Sorry, something has gone wrong. His avatar looks like a zwinky cartoon version of Neo from The Matrix. I'm going to call him Neo from The Matrix. Asks, is it possible to use science

from weird science to make Aaron Isherance real? My name is Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad's square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hello, Internet. I'm Travis McRoy. And I'm Teresa McElroy. She is my wife. And he's my husband. And it is our pleasure to introduce to you a brand new podcast. Shmanners. It's Extraordinary Etiquette. For ordinary occasions. Teresa, let me ask you this. Can you teach me how to write a thank you note? Yes, I can. How about tips to improve my table manners? I'll do my best.

And will you finally explain to me the difference between casual and business casual and cocktail and formal and black tie and all that stuff? If anybody can, I can. But like it's gonna be funny, right? Of course, I'm going to give historical origins and how those manners fit into our everyday lives. How could it not be funny? But also sometimes we'll talk about like burps and farts, right? Yeah, when not to. But we'll still talk about it. Yes. Great. So come join us for our new hilarious show. No RSVP requires. Coming to you soon every Friday on Maximumfun.org. It's Shmanners. Manners. Shmanners. Get it?