My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 297: Justin Wide

Episode Date: April 4, 2016

Happy belated April Fools' Day everyone! That's when we recorded this episode, and hoo boy, apparently our prank on you is that we have prepared an episode that discusses, to an obsessive degree, Julias Caesar's ancient gastrointestinal distress. Suggested talking points: A Great April Fools Goof, Tweet Narc, Toilet Mysteries, Recycle Justice, Camp Pranks, Roscoe the Potato Man, Party Baby, Ghost Clothes

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother McElroy and me, an advice show for the Modrin era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm your sweet baby brother, Borat, not April Fools. It is, well, this is weird because we're recording on April Fools, so all we want to

talk about is April Fools. I don't know when you fools will be listening to this, but probably still in April, so every day in April is April for you fools. God please no, please God no, please God please no. We can't do goofs and jokes all month long. Well yeah, if the jokes that we're doing is on the level as like my wife, Borat, April Fools. That's kind of been my style today. It's been very innocuous. Like nobody's going to lose their fucking jobs over it, you know what I mean? It's nobody's going to be offended by it. People are just going to have like a good belly laugh of just like, that's not my bag baby.

And that's a joke from Austin Powers, April Fools. I want to pitch a new version of April Fools that I told Griffin about beforehand and he was really on board with. Yeah, and I actually specifically told you not to. And I call it gay for fools. Now I know it's going to sound like I mean gay April Fools, that is not what I mean. I mean gape, rule of fools. So like you set up your hilarious jpe, oh I should have said jpe, and it's too late. You set up your hilarious goo. No, it's not too late. So we got to go back. Maybe like you put some Saran wrap over the turdlet, right? So that when someone tries to use it, there's just urine everywhere.

What if they shit and the shit pulls up and gets all over their butt? Shit goes everywhere. And then you kick in the door like, hello my name is Borat, not April Fools. And they try to get mad, but when they look over, you're just spreading your butt hole really, really wide. And they're like, I can't be mad. This is a visceral fucking tableau that you've painted that I've just gotten my own fecal matter all over myself because of your jpe rolls. And then I look up and I say, Travis, no. And you've got your, you got your little, you got your booty plum right there. And you laugh, right? And you laugh. And we all feel better about the day and we think about what it really means to be alive for once.

I think I would definitely have a good laugh at that, not April Fools. I wasn't sure what Gaper meant. So I took it to Urban Dictionary. Uh-oh. And good news. It means something completely different on the Urban Dictionary. A Gaper, now hang with me here, is a skier or snowboarder who's completely clueless. It's usually distinguished by the bright colored clothes and a Gaper Gap, which is the gap between goggles and helmet or hat. Gapers also do the Gaper Tuck, which is an attempt of being a ski racer by tucking. However, it is done incorrectly with

the poles sticking straight up like thunderbolts and lightning. Very, very frightening. Yeah. Definitely. So yeah, that's Gaper. Now, now the snake eats itself here on Urban Dictionary, which is the new source as far as I'm concerned. I'm done with everything else, but Urban Dictionary, I spent five minutes on the site and I already think it's the best thing to happen to me ever. A Gaper is a term used, this is the third most popular definition, is a term used by D-bags to degrade new skiers in an effort to boost their own self-esteem. Yeah.

You can usually spot them by staring at others while on a lift chair or defining the word Gaper on Urban Dictionary. Oh, yeah. So it's like, whoa, Ouroboros, you know? They should let this functionality be in Wikipedia where you can look at the series of edits and it's like, fuck whoever said Garfield is a tabby. Garfield is clearly a sphinx cat. Justin, that's the first and third. Is the second one relating to spread butthole or is it a portmanteau of gay caper, which I would also be on board with?

No, the second one begins, and this is what I'm going to read, a skier or snowboarder who sucks. It's usually spotted wearing clothing from 1983, but other clothing styles for them do exist. And then the fourth one is somebody who spreads their asshole way, way, way open so you can use them like a telescope. And then the fifth one is like, whoa, number four, hey, fucking chill. We're talking about cool boarders 1080 over here.

Like, can you slow down? And number six is like, I know me and number five had our differences earlier on in this dictionary entry, but I have to agree. Number four, you took it to a place that I'm not entirely comfortable with. Now, I should mention my first definition dates back to January 3rd, 2006. And this is before butt play was even sort of a concept. Yeah, before butt play even existed. If you're curious on the sidebar related to this term, there are many, many, many, many,

many other definitions of gay. Just so many. Here's one, gape tape, not even going there with you. Go there yourself. I can't. Gape tape, the bubble gum that you get six feet of in a sweet little plastic clamshell package. I love it.

I love how much gape tape I get with a single purchase at the checkout aisle. Six feet of gape tape for you, not them. This is my brother, my brother, me, and it's an advice show for the modern era. I'm really sorry that we didn't go with the vapor fools. It's not too late. We can still talk about vapor fools. I mean, the sound is going to be, we try not to blow too much into the microphones, into the old condensers, because it's not a good sound.

But if we start talking about vaping, I'm going to get that fucking monkey on my back again, and then I'm going to just start blowing cotton directly into the ear lobes. Yeah. April Fool's, by the way. I know this hasn't been very funny yet. That was the bit. This is a prank on you. And now we're going to start the real intro.

Here we go. Hello, everybody, and welcome, my brother, my brother, me, and it's advice show for the modern era. Welcome to vapor fools. Is that right? Is that what we're doing? Nailed it. Nailed it in one.

Everybody do one joke about vapor fools. Travis, I'm going to turn the old camera, the old podcast camera to you first. Smash cut, zoom in on Travis's face. He's framed perfectly. There's a boy o-yo-ing sound effect to let you know a joke's coming in there. I feel like I've stalled long enough and Travis turns to the camera and says, if you want your best Vatrix, turn the ohms all the way down. And that's like, so that's the opposite of what is-

Yeah, see, but then it, like, then you know if someone falls for that, they're a real vapor. There's two, there's two types of people in this world. Yeah. Gapers and Vapors, which one are you? Choose your side. Test your might. Gapers and Vapors is probably my least favorite Dr. Seuss book. That was one of his earlier ones.

That was, by the way, also an April Fool's joke. It's absolutely my favorite. I learned about, like, the futility of war from Gapers, Vapers. That was actually a landmark court case. I'm failing a class this semester at FSU. There is a way to redeem- wait, do we say our names? Yeah, a couple times, Justin and Travis. Yeah, Travis, okay.

I'm failing a class this semester at FSU. There is a way to redeem some points and pass the class. The professor has this policy that if you turn in a student on social media during class, you will receive 25 bonus points, which equals 2.5 quiz grades. The person you turn in loses 10 points. Oh my God, I love this. Wait, hold on. Turn- if you turn in a student-

Someone's on social media, you put them on blast. They get caught, they lose 10 points, you get 25. You see someone, like, sneaking their phone below the, like, desk or table or whatever, and you're like- That's fresh as fuck. That class, that class, no matter what it is, like, viral pathology. It's viral pathology 101 and also fucking wild west gun slinging. For one person who is the fucking law.

Wait, keep reading through because the mechanics of it is what confuses me. This is all done- I mean, do you want me to start again? No, no, no, just the last couple sentences. Okay, this is all done anonymously and I'm expecting not to have any serious consequences if I go through with it. So, brothers, should I rat on the student to pass or keep my big mouth shut and retake the class? That's from Tainted in Tallahassee. So here's what confuses me.

How does it put, like, you see someone doing it and then you just go to the teacher afterwards and like, I saw, you know, I saw Steven on his phone or are you like snapping a picture of it? Or like, how do you do it anonymously with any kind of proof that this happened? Yeah, you snap a- I mean, you get a screenshot or, I mean, if it's Tweet-O, you could give him a timestamp. But then I'm saying, but then I'm saying, Justin, it goes all the way back because then the guy behind you sees you on your phone looking at that part, like on that person's phone. Oh, are you saying it's like, it's like, if you open your eyes during the prayer,

the only people that can catch you are people who also open their eyes? Exactly, exactly. So now, like, is that person going to be like, Steve was on? And you're like, no, I was watching that. I was following that person's Twitter activity so that I could tell you about it. I wasn't tweeting. I want to paint you guys a picture of me in this class. And I'm failing it.

Probably this was probably during my doobie year. Yeah, everybody. I had a doobie year in college. I don't like to talk about it. Develop some bad habits. But what if I was wearing my poncho to look like a cool Wild West gunslinger and also it was my doobie year? So I was trying some stuff out.

And what's that on my eye? Oh, it's Google Glass. Nobody has to fucking know. I'm watching you snap. And I'm tweeting every- I'm going to end this class. Griffin McElroy, congratulations. You have defeated my class with 320%.

Holy shit. And nobody else passed. You were the only person that passed because you ate all the grades. That's amazing. How did you do it? I'll never tell. And then you tip the brim of your Stetson and your spurs, chank as you walk out of the room.

If I'm wearing Google Glass, it's a fedora because it's attached. Wait, it comes as a piece? Yeah, if you're wearing a Google Glass, it is attached by a fucking wallet chain to a fedora that you have to wear. That's what powers it. Just the shame. I mean, that's a great plan until you have 120%. And everybody knows exactly how you fucking got it.

And everybody starts calling you narc-ruffalo behind your back. Oh, that's the worst. And you go to like uncool jail where no one wants to hang out with you or write you to any parties ever. Tush it. But you don't have to retake the class. Okay, narc-harmon, like you might as well. I'm just saying I would give up a lot of social standing to not have to redo.

Like you could just throw a kegger for free and make up for those points, you know what I mean? Okay, so someone comes to you and says, hey, we're going over to a party at Narc Wahlberg's house. You want to come? And they're like. Narci Narci and the fucking bunch. Narci Narci and the Narci bunch. And you think they're going to go?

You think they're going to show? I don't think so. They're going to have a bunch of booze there for free. Also, this is college. Yes, I do think they're going to go there. Do you know what I love most about this whole scenario is this teacher has invented a situation where I can take his class. I would audit this class without.

Just like narc people? You're saying narc and you're painting a negative picture. This is what I'm seeing it is I'm the fucking Roland. I'm the fucking gunslinger in there. And if I see you snapping, I'll be like, I'm there to make sure everybody else is learning. You know what I mean? You know what would be a teach power move in this class?

If this was like a prisoner's dilemma kind of thing, and you turn them in and then the teacher is like, well, I want you to know that this was the honey trap. I'm docking you 25 points for not paying attention to the class and instead trying to narc out other people when you should have been learning. And or or just not. He docks you for not being cool.

Like you just lose points for being a narc. Yeah, that is how the prisoner's dilemma works. It's like, do you want to split the punishment? Do you want to split the time that you're going to be incarcerated? Or do you want to just take the guaranteed two years? And it's like, I want them to take it. It's like, not cool, bro, prisoner's dilemma. Yeah, I want to circle back to something

because Griffin, I just wanted to mention, when you started talking about Google Glass, I thought you were saying that the person was using Google Glass to tweet. And I think that would be probably dictating a tweet to your Google Glass to probably be the best way they caught. Yeah. In boarding class again.

Mr. Johnson is so dull. Can't wait to blaze it. Hashtag 420. Can't wait to blaze it. He's got a nice fat ass, though. I love that fucking fat ass. Hashtag scrum diddle dumpshits. And then you just you just turn behind you like,

yeah, narc violence. I was, I was. How many famous remarks does Justin know? I'm actually only doing actors. I can move on to authors if you'd like. Mark Twain. Mark Twain is the best, yeah. Let's address a challenging yahoo.

Okay. Senate by level 9000. Yajujurj, good to have him in part. Thank you, Jury. It's by Yajur answers user Jeff. Way to secure a Primo username. Jeff asks, in mythology and folklore, what would happen if everyone in the United States

flushed their toilets all at the same exact time? Who? Think the world would explode, yeah? Who, boy? Like just from too much pressure. Like the whole world, like the mantle of the earth would crack. And just there's too much stuff going down into there. And it would just kind of.

Listen, we can all laugh and stuff, but like, there would be a significant difference in the water level of something somewhere. Yeah, like the Pacific Ocean would just be like, bye. I don't know how it's all gonna, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna fence myself in by saying a specific point. Yeah. But I feel like.

Well, it would be on the opposite end of the world, right? So like the Indian Ocean then for us. It would probably be the Indian Ocean. And that's a little ocean. That's the littlest of the oceans, I think so. Where does that water even go and or come from? I think that every toilet is connected to another toilet in America so that when you flush, that water goes into someone else's toilet.

But I know what you're thinking gross, but there's a filter between there, you guys. You know what I mean? Like we're taught this is like alternating current of toilets. Every toilet is connected. So you're just like, do you get to choose? No, but if you can find the person. Okay.

You flush a note down as the quickest way. It is weird to think about like, because all the water is the same water that was here when Earth started, that every time you take a drink, at least like one particle of that is from toilet water. When like Julius Caesar had like nasty talk about. There's one particle of that toilet bowl water in every drink you think. Mm hmm. Really.

Yeah. That's that's cool to talk about. It's not cool to talk about. I'm just it's a fact. It's a science fact. It's just a thing. What if I only drink like boxed water from now on? Am I going to be safe from Julius Caesar's Taco Bell shit particles?

It's all the same water. Yes. All the same water. I mean, like a lot of it is melted glaciers. Sorry. Yeah. I mean, they're not making they're not making new water. Huh?

They're not making new water. It's like the same water until we get more of that space rain that started the earth. We're not getting any new water. So every time you drink water, a dinosaur shit in it. I can't wait for all this space rain to come and watch Julius Caesar's poop away. That's a very empowering thought is like it makes us all eternal in a way. And we've got a little bit of Julius Caesar's diarrhea in all of us. When you have nasty boy Taco Bell shit, you gotta think like this is your forever.

Like I've done a permanent thing to earth. You like everybody worries about like I need to write a great novel or I need to like change one person's life. But every time you shit, it's a you're paying it forward. You're pooping it forward. Is this what I have never understood the term, but is this what a carbon footprint is? Yeah. Right.

Exactly. This is also what a jerky boys record sounds like. In case you haven't listened to one of those. Well, let's just figure this out. I got a bunch of cardboard boxes in my garage because I just built a whole bunch of furniture. Should I just start pooping in those and then burying them? I guess. Yeah.

Honestly, we should just be burying our poop in our neighbor's yard. Yeah. That's green. That's how Dennis the menace does it. Mm-hmm. That's why everybody's. And Dennis Kucinich. And Dennis Kucinich does it that way too.

Man, I bet that fool feels like he missed his shot, huh? If he'd just hung in there another few years, he could probably be doing pretty good right now. Hey, listen, I work in an office and after lunch hour, one of my co-workers throws his plastic containers into the trash bin. Despite the fact that recycle bins are right next to it and the containers are clearly marked as recyclable. I tried mentioning this to him, but have not been able to change his behavior. I resorted to rooting around the trash afterwards myself and separating out the recyclables.

Brothers, how do I get people to separate their own recycling? That's from Vext Vigilante in Vancouver. Well, I can tell you one thing. If you keep doing it, there's no way they're ever going to do it. Yeah, it's true. It's true. But you got to leave it back on their desk. It says try again.

Try again, wrong tub. You're out of time reversal cubes. Well, I hate that we have to keep going back to this well, but can we every time you throw it in a well, throw it down the recycling well? Do you guys remember the song that Borat did about throwing stuff down a well? April Fools. I think the well I want to go back to is you put the recycling in the correct bin and then it turns into candy or a little toy.

Oh, okay. So rewards. I love that. I mean, we're monkey people, essentially, and we need reinforcement to go into our brains. And so you put your can, your plastic container. What are these plastic containers that you're eating your lunch out of? This is my sandwich. It came in a clam shell.

What are the plastic containers? You just throw it in Tupperware away? That's ridiculous. And there's a lot of good use for that. Griffin's right, because I find gamifying stuff is such a big thing these days. You need to turn this into a game and make somebody like the prime recycling winner for the week and they get something. You know what I mean?

Who's the good, good recycle boy? And they get like maybe it's a crown made out of old plastic containers or they get like a scepter made of soda cans taped together. And it's good because you don't have to spend any money or create any more waste and you recycled. Yeah. And you get to be my trash queen. Yeah.

You could be like, and you could get like a trash, maybe a trash jester. The trash jester is the worst, right? That's the, he threw all his recyclables in the trash. So now he has to wear the trash diaper. And it's an actual diaper. And it's been. It's been used. I don't think it's been used.

I was thinking through it. It was used by Juicy. Which is what I've just decided. I'm only calling Julia Caesar from now on. I don't think, I don't think it's gonna. I mean, you're probably worrying too much about it. Let's put it that way. Listen, there's a, let's just put this way.

There's a lot of people throw recyclable plastics in the trash, huh? I'll tell you what though, if, if I, if what I think is correct, the only way you could know that this person is throwing their shit away wrong is if you see them do it. At which one, I'd say throw caution to the wind. And as soon as they do it, be like, Hey, you did that wrong. That's not where that goes. Yeah. Because if you're waiting till, you gotta, they're like, it's like a dog.

Yeah. Catch them in the act. Because if you wait till later, you're like, you're missing prime shame opportunity. You got to say it in the moment. Like, Hey, I saw you do that and you did it wrong. I've got a great idea. And no one else is going to do it. Now you have to do it.

I believe deep down you wouldn't have to say anything. I think if you're sitting there and when they walk towards the cans, you have a look in your face like, here comes a good recycle boy. Yeah. You just wait patiently. Can't wait to be, can't wait to be proud of you. Here comes a good one. Yeah.

Here comes a good boy. Hey, everybody, watch Dave's see how it's done. He's going to show you how it's done. I think we should start. Oh God, before they get up to the cans, start telling him a story about some asshole who was just in the break room that put their plastic into the trash can. Yeah. Like, can you believe this?

A real goof is. Can you believe Karen? Can you believe Karen? Throwing her recycle, her Dessani bottle into the trash. Like the devil. Like a real Gaper. I think we should all be given licenses. And when you have the, we'll call it a good recycle boy license.

And it's gender neutral. It's just what they called it. I don't know. Take it up with the EPA, I guess. BOI, BOI. If you're a boy, then you get to sit on those park benches that they made out of old cups or whatever. And you get to read those books made out of like reclaimed papers.

And you get to go in like, you know, the tiny houses that are made of reclaimed woods. Anything that is made of recycled stuff, you can do it until you're a bad recycle boy. And then you don't pass right through those things. Yeah, you clip through those reclaimed park benches. You just can't. You can't interact with it. You become a, you become a recycle ghost. Does that help?

Yep. It doesn't hurt. How about this Yahoo though? We'll see if we can get some hurt out of this one. And it was sent in by, this one was sent in by Nicole Harris. Thank you, Nicole Harris with the Time League, April Fool's Day question. It's by Yahoo Answers user Dave. Real goof for that one who asks, can you give me some summer camp prank ideas?

I see a lot of unique ideas on summer camp pranks and they are pretty good. I am looking for a different kind of prank than what I'm see when I search prank ideas. The kind of pranks I want to do are all ones that I have to sneak around in the middle of the night in full camouflage and pull the prank. I want it to be an adrenaline rush. I want to be a fucking bad boy. I want to be punished. I want to be an adrenaline rush where I have to sneak around to pull it,

e.g., hooking an MP3 player to the PA system at night, playing a song, then sneaking back to my cabin without being caught. I don't want any answers like where I put Vaseline on the door handles, putting food coloring in the soap, putting flour in a hairdryer, anything that I don't need to sneak around to pull it. I want to be caught and punished. PS, my camp is in the woods in Ohio. There's a boy's side, a girl's side, a pool, and a big ravine that runs through the camp

that has heavy vegetation and is good for hiding. From punisher's. I will be with a few friends as I pull the pranks, so please compensate a few other people into your idea. Well fuck, hold on. Okay, I need to redo some calculations then. Give me a second. Well, let me compensate for the number.

How many kids? How tall are they? Are they blonde, brunette? Are they good sneakers, bad sneakers? Is one of them a little bit weird? Do they wear braces? Does any of them have asthma? Have they been caught before?

Do they also share your proclivity for being caught by adults and punished? What songs are on your MP3 player? What kind of camo makeup do you have? What do you have access to? What kind of vegetation is in the ravine? How deep is the ravine? Has anyone died in the ravine before? Could you bury a body in the ravine?

How dense is the soil? How loose is the gravel? What kind of security system do you have? What's it, who's the best bunk in all of Camp Laziata? Bunk three, that's right. Bug juice, where does it come from? Does it come in a jar? No, it's from who you are.

No, I don't know. There's a Yahoo! Answerer here who's provided a few suggestions. One suggestion is Vaseline on a doorknob. Well, it's like Jedi, that's their username. Jedi, it's like you didn't even listen. But here's their description. Maybe they went back in and edited that into the original question.

Like, hey, I see what you're doing. Vaseline on a doorknob, this is their description for it. Putting a little Vaseline on a doorknob makes it virtually impossible to open. If you're going to pull this prank, don't place it on the doorknob inside a room. You don't want to make it impossible for the room's occupants to leave if an emergency occurs. Well, okay.

Oh, shit, the chainsaw strangler's inside. Let's get out of here. Aw, fuck. Got me again, Timothy. Wait, is the idea that you just can't get a grip on it? Yeah, you can't. Well, you should know this. What sort of like, infant can't crack that?

Like, it's Vaseline, just wipe it off. Well, Justin, you should know this. You know why that is, why jam is such an effective weapon in your fight for justice. I mean, yeah. I just always assumed jam increased the grip of the door. Like, you couldn't let go of it. You stuck to it with preserves.

You don't know what jelly is. Me? That's one thing. Yeah, that's one thing. Well, I was raised in a very religious household. Travis went to a Montessori school where that kind of behavior was not allowed. No.

You know what would be a really good prank? What's that, Travis? Sneak around, move all the clocks and calendars and everybody's phones forward a day. So when it comes time for the parents to come, everybody thinks the parents forgot to pick everyone up. But really, you just move time forward 24 hours on everybody's devices.

Then you go out to the flagpole in the center of the camp and you pull your pants down and just have your butt out there and just wait for somebody to come spank you. I was getting there. Oh, sorry, sorry. And then you have Christopher Lloyd pretend to be the head of a new camp.

And you say, your parents didn't want you. Come stay at this camp with me so that everyone comes and stays at the camp with you. And over time, you eventually become sort of like a religious figure, right? And maybe you start your own college and you have everyone pretend like they're at college. But really, it's not a real college.

But then in the end, you stand in front of some kind of accreditation board and it becomes a real college. And then you bend over and you spread your butt really wide. I'd see it. You know, J-Long. More like Justin Wide. Wait.

Hi, I'm Justin Wide, the porn Justin Long. I'm also just, I'm just Justin Long. I went with that from my porn Justin Long name. I'm Justin and out. I also love porn. And hamburgers. And hamburgers. I'm Justin Dong.

Get out of here, Justin Dong. You're two on the nose. That's not even funny. That's not even funny. Justin Dong. Any other fun rhymes with Justin Long or should we hop over to the Money Zone? I've been sitting here, I was stalling,

trying to think of more, but I don't, I don't actually have any more, so. Okay, well, let's get, hey. Can I talk about Trunk Club? I wish you would. Please do. I would like to tell you about Trunk Club. I am a member.

I got some jeans from Trunk Club, and I shit you not. They are the greatest jeans I have ever worn. You know how sometimes you see people wear jeans to a function, to like a formal thing? Lin-Manuel Miranda wore jeans through the White House. And I was like, how does he do it? And I'll tell you how he does it.

Good jeans. Yeah, these ain't no stank ass jeans. These aren't your, these don't have carpenter hoops on them. No, these are like adult jeans, which is a thing I didn't even know was physically possible until I went to Trunk Club. They hooked me up with some jeans, some like fancy socks, a really nice shirt,

and they had everything. It was really cool. No exaggeration. I went and had a great time hanging out with my stylist. I got to go to an actual like, a bar, a bar, a bar, a bar, a bar, to an actual like brick and mortar like place and try on clothes.

But here's the thing. The beautiful thing about Trunk Club is you can have that experience without going anywhere. They're gonna talk to you, kind of figure out what your deal is, what you're into, what kind of things you might need clothes for, and then they send them to you.

You try them on, you see what you like, what you don't like, and you send back what you don't like, and you only pay for what you keep. It's, it's an amazing deal. It'll help you. Maybe you've been trying to figure out how to dress more like an adult

or really get your fashion game on point, but you don't even know what stores to go to. Trunk Club is for you. Go to trunkclub.com slash mybrother. Answer a couple simple questions about your preferences, size, style, all that kind of stuff. And you're assigned an expert stylist,

and that stylist is gonna take care of you. You can get started today. Trunk Club will style you for free, plus free shipping both ways. You only pay for the clothes you keep. So go to trunkclub.com slash mybrother. You got me thinking about jeans. I just had an amazing business idea.

Okay. You know Jinkos? Yes. I learned this week that Jinkos, you know they got that wide leg. And keep all kinds of secrets. Yes, I am aware. Keep all kinds of secrets in there.

Did you know that the measurement for the pant hole at the bottom where your foot lives is exactly as wide as the hip? So if you were like a size 32 Jinko, each leg hole is going to be 32 as well. Uh-huh. Here's the business idea. Cut off each pant leg,

and all of a sudden you have three equal length, equal size denim skirts. Okay. Business idea. You buy Jinkos, cut them up into three skirts, and then you resell them for triple profit. Also there'll probably be like a sweet eight ball and dragon and stuff on there.

That's the point about Jinkos no one talks about. They talk about the big legs. What about the embroidery? Do you know what Jinko stands for? What? Judge none, choose one. It's fucking cool. It doesn't mean anything.

Anyway. Anything is fucking really cool though. That's my idea I came up with for infinity dollars. And it sounds like you guys don't give a shit about tripling your money. How much money do you have right now? Triple it. Join my Jinko Skirts Army.

Wow. Whoa. Join my Army of Jinko Skirts. I want to tell you all about Blue Apron if I can. Hell yes. I'm gonna get hungry though. Yeah, that's probably true. Blue Apron is amazing.

It's changed my life. I cook like a few times a week now, and I used to not cook at all because I didn't know how. But using Blue Apron, I've learned to cook. And in doing so, I've created dozens and dozens of delicious meals. So for less than 10 bucks a meal, Blue Apron will deliver all the fresh ingredients you need to create home cooked meals.

Just follow some easy step by step instructions that they provide. All the ingredients are farm fresh. They're in season veggies most of the time. And good quality meats. And absolutely delicious. Every meal can be prepared in 10 minutes or less. You don't gotta go to the grocery store.

They can change the ingredients based on your dietary preferences. And they make it a breeze to discover and prepare dishes. Like what are some of the hot ones that you guys have made? I made like a fried chicken. But what was weird is that the coating didn't have egg in it at all. It used like Greek yogurt and vinegar.

And it was amazing. I had never had fried chicken like that before. And it was so much healthier. I had a ramen with ground pork. The triple bowl. Holy shit. Are you kidding me? Those are the best things I've ever eaten.

Right now, you can get your first two meals for free. Just go to blueapron.com slash my brother. That's blueapron.com slash my brother. I'm not, this is not, I'm not talking out of my ass because they're supporting us financially. It's literally, it's literally changed my life. It has given me like stuff to do like a few nights a week. And it's really fun.

Like you don't have to stress whether or not you've got the right shit. You've got the right shit. It's easy and you learn how to cook. It's awesome. To give you an idea, here are some meals from this week. Crispy chicken cutlets with sugar snap peas. Stir-fried honey garlic shrimp with snow peas.

Cheeseburgers on English muffins with Roscoe's potatoes. Like, and there's even more. There's also vegetarian options. There's stuff for kids. It's great. What's Roscoe gonna do without his potatoes though? He's gonna cry. He's gonna cry.

He's gonna eat those for dinner. Anyway, go to blueapron.com slash my brother. Well, let's ask him. Hey, it's me, Roscoe, the potato man. Who do you do with potatoes? Potato, you don't seem to understand. The potatoes make up my body. I got a Jumbotron message to Grace from Jake.

Didn't want to explore the canon of Roscoe the potato man, huh? Nah, nah. The potatoes, I don't know if you heard the last bit. And maybe this will change your mind about why they're not doing a dig in. But the potatoes make up the form of his body. So this one's to Grace from Jake. I got lots of eyes. So wait, Griffin, is he like potatoes sewn together?

Is he like oogie boogie and he's like a sack with potatoes? No one quite understands the dark magics that hold all my potato body together. But I'm saying, do you look at him and he's just a chain of potatoes forming a body? Or is he like a sack boy with potatoes in it? I know one's quite sure. I'm pretty hard to look at. Speech is energy. Thoughts are energy.

This stuff reverberates around the planet and you're letting him. This is Julius Caesar's diarrhea. Cart Blanche to just spread this like metaphorical Julius Caesar's diarrhea all across the globe. Letting who spread it? These ideas are persistent. By allowing Griffin to continue to establish the rich fiction of Roscoe the Potato Man. You are. That's not my name.

What is it? Roscoe the king of the potato kingdom. A little, it's a bit repetitive, but all my potato subjects. Hey, y'all ever heard of the fry guys? They defected. See, I'm letting. They defected. From Roscoe, what do you say that you may be?

From the potato kingdom. Roscoe, do you have a sidekick that we can maybe spin you? And that's like kick off until like its own podcast. Just about. Sure. I got Spuddy, buddy. Perfect. He's a dog.

The worst part of the most dangerous part about this is that we're going to let him go on long enough that he's going to say something funny enough to include it in the actual podcast. And then we're stuck with like all the build up. Spuddy buddy was pretty great. I know that's. This is all gold and this is all making the final cut. It's all Yukon gold. Hey, fuck it.

Hey, fuck it. Watch it, buddy. Let's talk more about my body now. Check it out. What I got here. I got a big, big brown potato for my hand. But what's that coming off with? Fingerlings.

I mean, that's what I would have guessed. I mean, if I had to guess, I would have made. I wear a shirt made out of tin foil. It's weird that Jake wrote all of this to Grace. Yeah, that's a very, it's a very special. You want me, you want me to read this one? No, absolutely not. Yes, I do.

I can't read human English. It won't be ridiculous. I'm a collection of living potatoes. Do you guys need to know what time it is? Because I'm powering like six or seven different clocks for science project. Dorothy and the Tin Man and the Scarecrow like walk past Roscoe the potato man. They're like, he's like, wait, the wizard. No, they were like, no, we're good.

We're good here. You go ahead. They said, we can't fit you in the car. And I was like, what car? It's not a car. They just kept on going. I couldn't go anywhere though, because I'm forever attached to the ground by a bunch of vines. I need the vines, so keep me alive.

Happy birthday, Grace. We've been dating for over five years now, and I know it'll only keep getting better. Thanks for loving the weird and goofy guy I am and accepting me into your heart of hearts. I love you so much. I hope you enjoy hearing the brother's sweet, sweet voices reading this special, special message just for you. The love of your life, Jake. Oh, isn't that a little, isn't that a little baked sweet potato there in it?

Hi, everybody. This is Jesse Thorne. I want to apologize. The last five minutes you've heard were put into the air without my permission, and I want to especially apologize to Grace and Jake who generously gave to this network in hopes of getting a promotion on their favorite podcast network. My brother, my brother, and me, which is a show and not a podcast network. Sorry, been day drinking.

Anyway, it's Jesse Thorne here, and I just really want to apologize to Grace and Jake for the substandard quality of this Jumbotron message. And also the surrounding bit, sort of Julius Caesar's diarrhea coding on what should be a beautiful maraschino cherry of a message. So in closing, I want to add my happy birthdays to Jake's happy birthdays. And in doing so, subtract the happy birthdays of Grace, the potato boy. I didn't listen. I skipped around a little bit.

Again, day drinking. Anyway, this has been Jesse Thorne reminding you to listen to all the other shows on our network. Especially mine. Guess it's time for me to die now. Well, goodbye, Roscoe. Sounds like I am. Listen, Roscoe been around long enough to know when he's not wanting. I have fucking empirical evidence that that is a lie.

I've been around a lot longer than you, Justin. Yeah, that's right. I know your name. I'm going to go feed myself to some hungry kids. The hard part about Dave. Oh, he's selfless, isn't he? You didn't expect that turn, did you? You didn't think he would sacrifice his life to put some food in the bellies of the working man.

But here I go off to die to fill up some bellies with my own starchy belly. The hard part about doing this show in audio is he can say this. I don't know if he's actually leaving the room because the character of Roscoe. I'm not leaving the room. I'm hopping into a big old pot of boiling water. It's comically large. But here I go. Justin.

This is it. I'm standing on the edge. Justin. Standing on the edge now. I'm not. Travis, I'm not going to apologize to Roscoe. I'm just going to dip my little fingerling toes in and just test. Oh, no.

Oh, that's a hot water. Justin, don't let him feed those hungry kids. It's going to feel in the interest of saving our mister. Travis, I'm wondering if you could... The sonic assault of Roscoe boiled a lie. Travis, I got a request. Would you mind turning my head potato 180 degrees? Real sharply.

So I can't kill you? Yeah, it'll kill me real quick. But I don't want to feel what happens next. I will do it because Justin drove me to do it. I don't want to do this, Roscoe. Okay, Justin. He's got his big, strong eight black fingers wrapped around my neck. I'm so sorry.

He's got his gate-like fingers wrapped around. Listen, are we to believe that you're made of potatoes in it? You have like a nervous system? Is that what you're saying? We've established all this, Justin. This doesn't sound like an apology. So, Travis, can you give me a countdown? I need to think about my potato chills.

Where do you want me to start? Just three. Okay, three, two... Oh, we've had a lot of... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, wait. Oh, wait, wait.

Roscoe, I'm sorry. Please continue to be a fixture of our hip podcast. Our webby losing podcast. My brother, my brother and me. Please. I just, I'm glad that Travis, you've spared me because I just thought, oh, it would be funny if I called my kids tater tots. A tie is a pedantic person.

I think when he pronounces these words, it's in a very show-off-y way. Gyro. Hero. Sacre bleu. Sacre bleu. Ayers rock. Ooloro. What you are witnessing is real.

The participants are not actors. They are actual litigants with real cases. They call in via Skype to Judge John Hodgman's court, the real people's court. Now I call you to Judge John Hodgman's internet court. Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts. I'm going to be a bridesmaid in a wedding coming up in a couple of months. Congratulations, Justin. Thanks.

And now here's a question from a listener. I'm going to be a bridesmaid in a wedding coming up in a couple of months. The bridal party has been messaging about what to do for the Bachelorette party. We're considering going out to some bars and getting a hotel room downtown. The pregnant maid of honor chimed in to say she thinks that sounds great as long as we're okay sharing a hotel room with a three-week-old baby. She wants to bring her newborn to the Bachelorette party. How do I respond?

That's from Sensible in Seattle and I literally need to think about this for a second. Okay, I thought about it and then finished. Okay, why don't you start assuming you're pregnant? No, I thought about it and here it is. No, I don't want to sound anti-baby or whatever, but this is a Bachelorette party and they just want to let their hair down and get fucking buck wild and forget about the problems of the day and just want to have the wildest part of this person's ever going to have. And now like that, but to Griffin's point,

it'd be one thing if it was just like we're getting a hotel suite and that's where the party is, but if you're talking about also like bar hopping and ending up at a hotel room downtown, that child should not be with you. I don't want to sound like a dick because I get like it's hard. It's hard planning around this stuff, but like this is that seems like a weirdly passive-aggressive like oh, you're trying to party, huh? Trying to have like the biggest and best party of your life. You're like having a party that you want other people to plan so you can tell stories about it

and be surprised by like how wild it got, huh? Okay, cool. Well, here's like a three-week-old baby that's like probably gonna keep things from getting too buck wild. Like I don't want a bunch of like fucking hot dicks slapping against hips in here because I got this baby, this one here, 21 days old. Check it out. On the last.

No, there's not an unless for that same strategy. What if the baby can hang? Generally speaking, it's probably too early to have your baby out and about. I mean, you could use a safety angle like that, right? Like really, a three-week-old baby should not be, you know, out and about. Their little dumb nervous systems haven't even heard about anything yet. Yeah. So they're like so or they're not their nervous, I'm sorry, they're

they're little dumb immune systems. They haven't heard about anything yet. And their nervous systems, if their nervous systems are exposed to some like fucking full blown magic mic XXXXXXL hanging brain, they're not gonna they're they're gonna see that and be like, I haven't don't really have the nerves to like really process these yet. Interesting. Is this Justin, you are a father. Is this is this a scenario in which this person, you know, having a child that's only

three weeks old, they have not yet acclimated to the fact that they don't get to do as much stuff as they did before they had a baby. Hey, I'm gonna tell it. I'm gonna teach everybody. Bill Cosby's out. So you need a new fatherhood kind of guy and it's me. So here's my first funny observation about what you learned as a dad. Rule number one and only rule.

Don't fucking tell moms what to do ever. Let's I love babies. I love them dearly. My friends here in town having babies. I love being around those babies, but I get this feeling when I'm around a baby. And it's the same feeling I get. And this is going to be weird, but hang with me whenever I go to like, and not that I go to these often, but like a gun range where it's one false move around this thing.

And that's it for my like my life is ruined. And it's hard for me to really let my hair down. It's hard to get it's hard to get blitz creed when you know, like, there's a thing in this room that if I goof around too much with that's the ball game. Yeah, that's yeah. Fiend. Fiend on the whole. That's a wrap.

That's a wrap on Griffin. Do you know what I mean? He's had a good. Hey everybody, that's a wrap. At a gun range. At a series wrap on Griffin. Let's have a big round of applause. At a gun range.

I don't think like I'm pretty confident that there's not going to be a fateful whoopsie. But I the fact that the thing that is there could cause a fateful whoopsie a career ending whoopsie doodle. And I feel that same way around babies and it's hard for me to like there's always that reserve in the back of my mind of like, you need to keep one part of your consciousness just dedicated to the survival of that. The I think the bigger issue that you're still going to run into is that this made of honor has not accepted the reality of being a parent.

And what that means is like it one of like the thing like there's so much good about it. And the one thing that is definitely true is that you are about to not be able to say yes to whatever you want to say yes to like there are going to be things that just fucking suck because you can't go to them and it blows. But that's it. Like that's the thing. Like that's the. That's the train.

Unless you're getting unless. Have you guys seen the Bruce Willis movie surrogates? Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. I saw the Spanish language version that I bought in Honduras. It was it was actually an off-screen camera version that I bought for three dollars outside of the grocery store. A super marqué though.

So you get it. I get it. I haven't I haven't seen it but I think it's about like you climb they like you can control people what you're not. It's like I think the plot of the movie surrogates is Bruce Willis is in a like some sort of chamber and he controls like a fake version of himself which I know you're wondering like if I was controlling an artificial Bruce Willis I would just like just jerk myself off like constant like non-stop like 24-7 but I this doesn't

I haven't seen the movie surrogates but I. Maybe for your bachelor party just rent and watch the movie surrogates. Surrogates yeah. That would be pretty good. You could do also one of those things where it's like an iPad rolling around on wheels but I think the surrogates of the movie surrogate. Yes this is my this is my dear friend Jennifer we've been friends since we were kids and she is my beautiful maid of honor that looks like an iPad with the movie surrogates on it rolling

around on a remote controlled car yeah exactly I love you Jennifer Jennifer do you remember that time that yeah that would yeah that was it that's just a scene of Bruce Willis jerking himself up yeah I know it's my favorite Jennifer trait it's my favorite quality of Jennifer's what if you ever hire a male stripper dressed like super nanny and he's also very good at taking care of babies so after he's done with his thing he gets dressed back up maybe some comfortable sweats and he takes care of the baby he's good for everybody but you need who's gonna be taking care of the baby while he's doing his work up there while he's slapping his I mean they do take naps like the babies do take that oh I thought you meant male strippers what male strippers

take naps they probably do it afterwards need to energize it's exhausting I have never seen a male stripper do a thing and it's not from any closed-mindedness of myself I've just never been afforded the opportunity um but in my mind and based on just sort of the conversation and the die the open free dialogue that the three of us have had today uh it sounds like we all assume that they just kind of get up they just kind of get up there and then they just kind of do a left to right situation lap lap lap lap lap as if they were until they get tired and then they take a a nap there's a quick fiver and then they're back to taking care of your baby so I guess it makes sense I want to just I want to put a button in something because I don't think this has been particularly hysterical

but it is like it's a tough one and I I think that the same rule would apply if you were the baby's father as well I would hope that's like yeah it's like you just it's like it's it's there's so much good about parenthood and and and I think one of like the the scariest hardest to accept things is also like one of the most beautiful things about it is that you are saying like I'm not the center of the universe anymore and it's like and it's very hard because what you end up doing when that happens is like putting a lot of other people who you would have sacrificed for before like including you know doing things that you really want to do like and are very important to you like can't just can't happen and like that's the that's that's the way of it and it's it's

ultimately really rewarding but it's just like that's not the way it works anyway you can't just do whatever you want by the way that whole bit where we took on a question like dealing with like fucking motherhood and how to handle uh like etiquette at a bachelorette party that we were so qualified to talk about that whole thing was a April Fool's joke so just can't believe you fell for it just kind of covering us y'all thought that we were really talking some shit out of our asses about why did we let Travis put this question on here we fell into a beautiful trap Travis was this your elaborate Gabriel Fool's joke I can't believe you fell for it you fools you you goofuses you're real gapers or the gapers now look to your left look to your right

if someone's not gaping you're the gaper if you ran into a gaper today they're the gaper if all you run into is gapers you're the gaper hey let's do it let's talk about something that we're even remotely qualified to talk about let's do a yahoo um this yahoo is sitting by riding high so we can't see thank you so it's by yahoo answers user gary the human being well who working a little hard there gare yeah this is like the easiest turning test ever um our ghosts stuck with whatever haircut and outfit they had when they died or can they customize their look and gear hmm um for just 500 nintendo coins they can get a new hat trophy the trick is you gotta find the neighborhood you gotta find the barber in the town it's usually right next to the safe place

you gotta kill you gotta haunt and kill a barber and be like oh sick i'm so glad you're here um i was thinking about like doing like a size six guard on the sides and then says you're cutting infinity on top so get to it and if you find the ghost magazine spread throughout the wasteland you can get new tattoos hey i saw um the specter of death uh today and he was like the only way to be set free from this ghost prison is to give jerry a haircut so let's what do you say let's hop on it you have to though right because otherwise every like discovery history channel show the person would be like i'm there at the top of the stairs with somebody in like a pretty sweet like they had like a faux hawk it was pretty great and they had on just the coolest t-shirt it was a graphic

t and they were like i died here 200 years ago yeah somebody is like as a joke in 2016 they're like cleaning out their closet and they're like guys check it i found this hyper color t-shirt i found these fucking goggles that i bought from hot topic and guys jenko jean skirt this shit is oh shit slip clack click clack click oh no what if you're what if you're what if you are at a fucking you're in a toilet situation and you have your pants pulled down on your ankles because you just want to feel free and you pee and then like suddenly immediate coronary dead and then it's like oh no i'm like my dick is out forever no you had the number one evidence that i have that ghosts are allowed to change their clothes is you think about how many people over the

history must have died while pretending to be santa claus and you don't see a lot of santa ghosts roaming around right like they're allowed to change their clothes when it suck if like how it worked is when you became a ghost you just automatically were in the clothes that you are most identified with as a human being like that's why like you see them in like civil war uniforms and stuff even if they die in their long john so then you die and you come back and you're like in the ugliest dress shirt you ever own and you're like is this what everyone thinks of me is this you don't remember that cool jean jacket i had this is how i'm going to be remembered forever or what if it or what if it's during your fucking jean jacket phase and it was

like this is when you were happiest in your life but this is when you were most free is when you got that jean jacket what if you can change your clothes but you can only do it once every 25 years oh my god because then you like have to pick whatever style you think is going to continue to be relevant and then everybody sees you like damn daniel because daniel still added again with the white vans what if the only way you got to change clothes is it by convincing living beings to destroy their clothes so you could get new ghost you have to kill you have to kill your jean ghost so i could get the ghost yeah please burn those pants please burn those pants i love those pants please burn them it's like the actually the number one sort of writing tip that i've

gotten that has made it so helpful for me to craft my fiction is just kill your jinkos you know there's no sacred calves here just kill those jinkos just and i really liked your idea of 25 years a change because you died in 1971 and you're wearing some dumb goofy 71 shit and then it's 1996 and you're like oh thank god i've been waiting for this definitely jinkos but i'm thinking about it i i had my dad kill a gameboy pocket the other day and i'm gonna be able to definitely carry like maybe two or three of those bad boys in these jinkos and this is a look everlasting so and then it's fucking what what's 1996 was 25 and one 2021 and what'll it be there like jinkos again jinkos yeah it's all it comes back around times flat circle times flat

circle and it fits in a jinko you know it'd be great this is probably why you see the every ghost is in old timey clothes because they went through like three cycles of this and they're like i'm just gonna do fucking suit like what am i what am i even trying to i can't predict this shit i couldn't predict it when i was alive why the fuck did i predict it now but and then you put on the suit and it's like this is you're good for 25 years right and it's like yeah and then you look down and your boxers are caught in your zipper that's the worst part of being a the editor of vogue is that you're haunted by a lot of unfashionable ghosts who are like hey hey hey hey say hypercolors back in please say say it's hot again say it's hypercolors hot again say it you know coming back

pump shoes put the rebop pumps are back wouldn't you like to go to the ghost clothing store well like the ghost finds what they're like did you want to take this out or should we kill it for you here you want this this poll looks fantastic on you did you want us to burn it in front of you or oh all right that's gonna do it for the bag so you can carry it out i think that's gonna be the end of the podcast because it's time for another episode of shower bros yeah it sounds like uh and this is gonna be one where i think he's i think they're lifting up my house i don't know what's going on hey you had a good run griffin uh this has been my brother brother reena by show for the modern era thank you can i harmonize with that power tool uh sure you could

try i'm not picking it up super great but oh it's gone okay um uh that's gonna do it for us uh thank you to uh everybody who's listened we also want to say thank you to blue apron again uh blue apron who makes cooking at home easy you can get your first two meals free by going to blueapron.com slash my brother uh we also want to say thank you to everybody um who's tweeted about the show who's told the friend um who's just tweeted at us to say hey thanks i like the show it means a lot to us at mb mbam and it's always nice to hear that people enjoy it yeah um i want to thank john roger in the long winters for you for our theme song instead of part you're off the album putting the days to bed it's a great album great great bud good times great oldies yep uh we got a facebook

group we don't talk about enough my brother my brother me appreciation group search for that on facebook and come join us it's fun uh you should also check out all the macroi shows on macroi shows dot com and all the maximum fun shows at maximumfun.org this is a plethora of funny jokes and and good stuff that you could enjoy if you just let yourself for once um is that it for the podcast i think it's gonna be it um you guys want to find out who you know what it is uh it's finally yahoo was sent in by michelle castady thank you michelle it's by yahoo answers user nathan s who asks how do you clean a stinky beanie baby

my name is just a macroi i'm travis macroi i'm griffin macroi it's been my brother my brother may kiss your dad square on the lips maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported hi i'm sydney macroi and i'm riley smirne and we co-host a podcast called still buffering a sister's guide to teens through the 80s on our show we tackle all of the hot teen topics that kids have on their minds today hot teen topics well you know that the questions that are that are plaguing teenagers through their tumultuous growing years questions like how do i party or what do i do with all this hair everywhere the same questions that people

like sydney had during their years as teenagers many many many okay not that many so so long ago yeah okay i think they get the idea so search for still buffering on itunes or maximumfun.org for new episodes every tuesday still buffering i am a teenager and i was too