My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 302: Honkin' on Bruno

Episode Date: May 9, 2016

This may be a difficult transition for y'all, but we need you to scoop up all your old DVDs of Kung Fu Panda 3, and throw them right into the incinerator. We're on to Captain America: Civil War-Watch, y'all. Suggested talking points: Civil War Watch, Elegant Kooky, MMA Safety, Dick's Last Cafe, Bruce Willis' Yahoo Answers Account, Slime Time: I Done Goofed Up Derek

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother, me and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy, brought to you by Captain America Civil War in theaters now. I'm your middle-ish brother, Ant-Man. I'm your, I almost said middle-ish brother, but that would be a lie, I'm the sweet baby brother. That's a fucking lie, that is my branding.

I mean, uh-oh, we got a civil war of our own brother against brother. I want to be the middle-ish brother, I want to switch ages with Travis, and I think I found a witch on the internet that can do that for me. We could do it through cryo-jank freezing, much like, spoiler alert, the winter soldier Bucky Barnes. Captain America Civil War pits Captain America against- Is this an official watch? Is this an official Civil War watch? This is an official Captain America Civil War watch. You know what that means? Let me scoop up all my DVD copies of Kung Fu Panda 3 and throw them right into the burner-burnerator. We should also say that nothing we're about to say should

be taken as fact. I don't want anyone yelling at me about spoilers because none of this is true. No, let's, let's give a, let me give a straight recap of the plot and then we'll get into some jokes about it, just to get set the ground rules. So Iron Man loves slaves, and he wants nothing more than to keep his massive army of slaves. Who do you think builds- Plus, that's how he made all of his money off of his plantations. And who do you think builds all of his many, many robotic armor suits for him? It's not him, and it's not Pepper Potts. Yeah, it's not Pepper Potts. It's Iron Man, and he's a slave, and he loves slaves. Captain America's

like, not on my watch, girlfriend, and they get into a big scrap about it. Some of the superheroes love slaves. Yeah, a lot of them, like, really, really, really. Well, some of them, yeah, some of them do. Not all. The ones you would expect, right? Slave man, definitely. Definitely. Okay. Racist, Dr. Racist, he definitely loves slaves. Yeah. But there are some surprises in there, too. The gentrifier. The gentrifier. Yeah, he loves slavery. Cheap labor woman. The overseer. The overseer, and of course, Ant-Man, which is, like, what? So weird. What?

What? Well, you have to know that Ant stands for Antebellum. Or Off to the Races. So that's the film. Captain America Civil War Watch. I guess the question on everybody's mind is, Travis, how many times have you seen it? 16, Justin. Now, is those just back-to-back feelings? No, they were just one chunk at a time. I had to take breaks because it was too intense. The racism was a little, it kind of, like, filled up the theater with a weird energy. Well, I got... It was like a Trump rally in there. It was really off-putting. Especially when the racists win. Yeah. And I don't want to spoil anything, but, like,

racism is not only, it's, like, codified by the end of it. They put it in the Constitution. Yeah. And I don't think that they should do that. And Iron Man wrote it, and he was wearing the Iron Man suit when he wrote it by Penn, so it's almost illegible. Which, like, I think constitutional scholars are going to be arguing, like, is that a comma, or is it a apostrophe, or is it a J? That's how bad Iron Man, when in his suit, his penmanship is. Just think about it. Just think about it. You would not sign a lot of documents in there. I think the weirdest part is at the end when, like, Bruce Banner's, like, walking away sadly, and he looks at the camera and says, who knew that the Hulk's one weakness

was racism? Yeah. It's really weird, but like, powerful. Yeah. All right, boys, let's see. We got to get it. We got to talk about it. Who's team are you on? Iron Man or Captain America? Which one was the racist team? Yeah, the one that's not racist, I guess, right? Definitely. I'm going to say the non-racist team. I mean, I do love Ant-Man. Yeah, I mean, I love Ant-Man. Yeah, that's the problem is Paul Rudd puts on a great character portrayal of the ant man. Okay, let me gauge your guys. Your guys' opinion. Is Paul Rudd America's most lovable racist? I don't want to espouse that sort of sentence. He's playing a role. I mean, it's not him. Oh, no, I mean, as his portrayal, does he make Ant-Man America's most lovable? You know what I

heard? He was on set. He was actually kind of difficult to work with, which I can't even imagine because it is him. But I think I've heard that, I think I've heard in the magazines that he was on some Jared Leto shit, just like being kind of racially charged. He also insisted that everyone be bigger than him. Which is so weird. That's how they did that. You know that they did that effect. Yeah. And it's very wasteful. Yeah. But they made every, when he shrinks, they just made everything around him very big. Yeah, like the hobbit. Yeah, except like times a billion because it's like make a gun the size of a building, make an Anthony Mackie the size of a town. And it's all practical. And it's all practical. Like they're the giant, like if you go to Muncie,

there's a giant statue of Anthony Mackie. And it's like, well, we just didn't have anything else to do. Where are we going to put him? That's just where they left the biomex suit that they put regular sized Anthony Mackie in. All right. This next segment is for all comic book nerds out there. Who's your favorite comic book hero came, you know, in this one because mine was the, mine was Red Boy who teamed up with Iron Man, which was a little bit disappointing. But I loved, I was surprised to see Red Boy in there. He had such a limited run in image comics. Comics. I like the cat guy. Which one? The cat guy. Kitty cat man. Kitty cat man. Yeah. Kitty cat man jumped around really good. He jumped around fast and strong. And at one point he jumped and

I was like, ooh, good kitty. And it was, it was pretty cool. I liked the great emancipate Thor, which was weird. Yeah. Yeah. Thor in an Abraham Lincoln costume. Like as if we wouldn't notice. Oh, I thought that that was Abraham Lincoln had picked up Thor's hammer. No. Oh, I misread that. Abraham Lincoln. Okay. Let me say this. If you're on our presidents, are we able and worthy to be the power of Moulinier? It would definitely be an NBA. If you just say Moulinier, like it was French or Moulinier. Moulinier. Like it was a French philosopher. Hey, pronounce it. What do you say, Travon? Moulinier, the hammer. Moulinier. I'm Travon. Moulinier. Moulinier. Moulfar. That's just a little joke I like to make to teach people about Nier and Far. Moulinier. I guess

the side I'm on is Captain America Civil War II. How about in Hollywood? I'm ready. I'm not getting out of my chair until it shows up on the screen. I want Captain America Civil War II to just be like, I'm mad at you again. Well, I'm out of you again. I'm still mad at you from the first time. I'm Red Boy. Just kidding. Red Boy dies in the first one. Kitty Catman eats him and then spits out a four. Can we do some advice? Yes. But go see Captain America Civil War. Support Indie projects. Support Indie comics. Local. Happy Free Comic Book Movie Day. Go see it. It's free. Hey, brothers. I went to Free Comic Book Day, by the way, and before I lay waste to Free Comic Book Day, I spent like $150 at my comic book shop, so I'm supporting the whole industry, I guess.

I had never done Free Comic Book Day, and I rolled up, and I was like, free comics? Here they come. And they're like, here's an Archie little sampler. It's three pages long. It's like, I can't finish to this. You know what I mean? That's horse apples. I got that same Archie, and it's the entire first episode. It's a bolder direction for the franchise. Well, damn, you put me on blast. Yeah, maybe if you're going to make a joke, it should be about something that's real. I guess I just prefer graphic novels, you know, something with a little bit more meat and heft to it. A little bit more seriousness. Less play play. No, I like a saga. You guys read saga? Fuck yeah, saga. Good book. You find any saga? No, I bought that new Hawkeye. Let's move on, though.

Hell yeah. My spouse and I will be attending a rather unconventional wedding and weekend retreat. The bride and groom are total hippies, and according to the invitation, we can expect such activities as clothing, optional pool parties, and all night unspecified, quote, ritual. Justin, you added a fucking yogi bear extra syllable to the word activities, and I'm going to... Activities? Activities. I'm here to participate in the activities. Excuse me. I'm Antebellum Man. Where can I put my cane? I'm Antebellum Man. I'm here for the activities. I would like a Mo Mo Mojito. You know, the famous Southern drink, the Mo Mo Mojito. Mo Mojito. Mojito Mo Mo. Here we go. I got Tommy Hilfiger trunks. All right. But my real

quandary is what to wear. The request of the tire for the ceremony is, quote, elegant cookies. That is not... That's not... That's my fair wedding with David Teterra, Candice Sheik bullshit. That's not anything. I need some... It's their wedding, Griffin. I need some style of vice brothers. Can I get some specific suggestions for elegant cookie, men's and women's clothing that will be appropriate? That's from wacky wedding wardrobe woes in Washington. And let's not kid around. That place is going to be a suit riot. I mean, 100% right? It's going to be amazing. I want... Okay. I also just want to like jump right out there and say, I don't have a problem with you saying I want my wedding. I want people to wear like eccentric kooky attire. But when you say a

term like elegant kooky, that's just not a fit... Like that's just not a classification. It's going to be a fucking Paula Poundstone cosplay convention up in this shit. Yeah. You might as well just say like, I want it to be wacky formal. Like, what is that? Does that mean I show up in a tuxedo t-shirt? Does that mean I wear my suit backwards? Does that mean that it's like black tie and also silk tunics? Like, I don't know. This is why I put them... It's your wedding day. Chase your bliss, do whatever. But the... This is one thing where your bliss can't be chased. You need to let your bliss run away and then you chase your pragmatism. Because this is a direction that you are giving literally every person that's coming to your wedding. An elegant kooky doesn't

mean a fucking thing. It doesn't fucking mean anything. It carries no connotation whatsoever. I would definitely... Like, to me, I would definitely want to like wear basically everything F. Murray, Abraham Warren, and Amadeus. Like, that would definitely... Like, this would be my one chance. Oh, this is fun. Where would you go with it? To definitely get... I would go frock. I would have like the whole look, the powdered wig, that whole fun thing. Maybe like birds in there, birds in my wig, that kind of thing. Oh, yeah. I love that style. I think I would go Teraway Tuxedo and then I would be wearing, inspired by the flop house, a tuxedo underneath. That's fun. Oh, nice. I would go full... I mean, you guys know I would... I already said I would

totally pound my stone, but I would also have like a little bit of the mask, like the Cuban Pete scene in there, by which I mean I would be wearing a latex, the mask mask. Oh, yeah. From the mask. Nothing says elegant kooky like the mask. But also, again, big suit, big tie, big loud tie, big loud collars, big loud pinstripe suit. I would wear a butt cutout. Butt cutout suspenders. I would wear a very regular normal tux, except when you get like super close, you can see it's all fruit by the foot. Oh, that's pretty kooky. Yeah. And if you want, and I'm like, and when people get close enough, I just like whisper in the air like, want a nibble? Like that? Well, want a nibble? Now you're getting into spooky kooky. Yeah. Nibble.

That's good. I mean, that's kooky is all good. What about like a body paint suit? Okay. I feel like that's elegant kooky. Like I'm trying to think what you got to get the kooky and you got to get the elegant. And that's like, that's like, that's okay. That's a great look. If you're beautiful and cut, and I'm assuming a lot of people at this wedding will be. Yeah, absolutely. Definitely. If I show up in a body painted tuxedo, people are just going to be shouting like, that man is made of heels. Yeah. Somebody, somebody stop him. Help that man. Can we, can I just go in a regular suit that I have poured a bunch of soup all over? You mean a soup suit? I'm talking about my soup suit. Riot. Riot.

Riot. Don't buy the bottle of the chunky. There'll be a multiple soup situation. I can do chili in my pocket. And then like when I, when it was somebody's like, does anybody have anything they want to say to stop this wedding? Which is what they say. Then you, you slap your pocket and like chili comes splatting out all over the place and people like, Griffin, you got to say that. I like that, because you're not just a guest, you're the caterer. Yes. You're going to wear a suit, a soup stain suit. You better hope that everybody's aim with the bird seed at the end is very good. Like very good. If they're throwing rice and it just sticks to you, you're going to turn into a one man golden crab for burgers. When I was in, when I was in

college and I needed money, I would go to high end parties and I would be naked and I would just like lie down on a big table naked and people would eat not sushi off of my nude body, but just different soups. There's different soups from your crevices, you mean? Well, no, it's just kind of kicked on. They had to like really scrape it. This is a real dry suit. Like a real dry, old, dry, old dry suit. Like powdered suit. And they would have to scrape it off into, I would actually just hold it in my hands for them. The fresh hot soup I would hold in my hands and just sort of lift up to their mouth. Here you go, sir. Please enjoy. Maybe just wear a regular ass tuxedo and then when people say like, what's the kooky element? Look at them down the aisle is like,

don't you get it? And then put it back on them, make them cook it up. Or just like a Marvin the Martian tie. Can you wear a tuxedo top cargo shorts bottom? Oh, that's fun. Ooh, I like that. That's very like 80s, early 90s. Like you would see that character in like a college comedy. I used to do the formal top, shorts bottom. I discovered that look in middle school a lot and I wore it a lot. I'm looking back at it now. Let me close my eyes and like really get a picture of my mind. So I'm pretty sure. Oh, yep. I did look like Laura Dern in Jurassic Park. Are you talking about a look that I know myself? I sort of like endeavored into was like a long sleeve plaid with Jorts was like one that I know that I definitely had at some

point and felt and the weird thing was because it had buttons on it. I felt like pretty good about like, yeah, I mean, I'm making a go at this thing called fashion today. I was not above in high school. I remember at least once probably multiple times wore a dress shirt, like a button up dress shirt and tear away pants, like tear away workout pants. And I was like, yeah, because I was like in show choir and theater and stuff. So it was cool. You guys until even like the show choir kids were like, hey, man, you need to not I want to get that shit together. I wore a tear away pants to gym class just to make it easier on the bullies. The bullies were just tearing your pants off. But that's a just shred my pants off like pants hyenas. But that's it. Like you made it too easy

on them and they didn't want to do it anymore. This isn't even fun anymore. It's like you likes it. Yeah, I did just wear sweatpants and a t-shirt to school forever when I was in gym because I couldn't change in the locker room. So I just wore gym clothes. God. All right, let's do a yahoo. Yeah, please get me out of this fucking. Yeah, we're all really deep in this pit, but that's okay because we've been here before elegant kooky. This this one was sent in by Rachel Rosing. Game recognized game. Thank you, Rachel. It's by Yahoo Answers user out there anonymous in the sports martial arts category. They ask, oh, let's give them a name. Precious, not precious asks, I want to learn MMA, but I am worried about safety. I know it's a stupid

concern as fighting is not a safe thing to do. But I really want to be able to defend myself without losing all my brain function. How do MMA classes normally deal with average working people who don't go down the professional route as like a hobby? I want to learn MMA. Getting hit part I could do without that part. That's actually this is actually not a terrible question because like, how do you do like amateur MMA in such a way that you make it clear like, I know I could do it better with harder hitting, but I just that's not where I'm well. This is predicated on the existence of another person who doesn't want to do the punching part of it and only wants to be hit. But is this person concerned about the death toll

of MMA classes? Like we lost another one. Like I would have to think this is a concern that has been dealt with before now. Let me say going, wait, no one wants to get hit, huh? Damn it. I want to go out on a limb and bet that number eight zero though. Yeah, it ain't nothing. When you go to the part where you're training regular and learn all the moves and then when it's time to spar with a partner, get this, you throw a paper mache version of yourself in the ring. Interesting. That's some ninjutsu shit. Yeah. Like I would have already training mantas. Yeah. And they're already like attacking it and punching it and like they punch you in your solar plexus and they're like, that's a death blow. Their hand goes clean through you and then

they come out and what do they have in their hand? A zag nut. You're full of candy. That's right. You've self-pignat it and that is the safest thing you can do because you're gonna think about punching when they got a delicious zag nut to enjoy. What I love about that is that I think movies like Karate Kid have taught us that the fastest way to win is not to fight. Absolutely. So you want to skip ahead? Right. So maybe that's what every MMA teacher is waiting for to have one student who's like, no, you know what? No. And then everybody just raises them up on their shoulder, gives them like three black belts and like just dances them around the place because like they're the only people who have figured out MMA. They're just waiting for like

chocolate ale to be like, you know what? I don't want to punch anymore. And everyone's like, you're the hero now. You've taught us a valuable lesson. MMA is canceled everybody. No more MMA. No more. You know what I would do? They solved it. Why are we even doing this? I would do like in the Sherlock Holmes movie with Robert Downey Jr. And I would do that thing where like I see them like- Do you mean the only good Sherlock Holmes? I see the man who I'm fighting starts to twist back and he's shirtless. Should I slow down? And he's shirtless and he's twisting backwards like give me a good old haymaker. And I'm looking at his muscles inside his body and he's moving in slow motion and like this like user interface sort of appears over him. And it's like

weak left ribs. Punch impact coming in two seconds. Blind spot in right eye. And I'm like fucking analyzing all of his data and his weak points and shit and like checking out his HP. And then like once I've once I've fully scanned him like that, I can dodge all his blows and punch him where it would hurt his body the most. It just occurred to me that like Sherlock Holmes, Robert Downey and Sherlock Holmes basically just has Jarvis again. Yeah. Like he loved having a computer in his head so much. He's like, let's let's do it again guys. Hey guys, listen, listen to me. I was thinking of a robot in my head again. Wouldn't it be great if that scene played out with him analyzing all the week? This is while he was getting punched. Yeah, that was the guy

was punching him. He's like weak left eye, limp on the left leg. Travis, I was just in in the pupil state of a note perfect. Robert Downey Jr. Yeah, you really crunched it. History will never forgive you for not letting that blossom and from emerge from its chrysalis into the world's most perfect Robert Downey Jr. impression. Is it too late to take a second? It's gone baby. It's gone. I should clarify. I also liked the young Sherlock Holmes where there was like the fear toxin and there was a part where like the buns came to life and like all the sweets were attacking. I don't think I have the fighting prowess required to slow motion scan my enemies. But could I make them think that I was

to scare them away from me? Like that would be my self-defense. Like if I see somebody coming for me with a with a big old barrel of punches that they're about to upend on me, then I can look at them and be like scanning left eye Lopez, right ribs, former broke left wrist in 1996, weak left wrist, legs are soft, soft legs. Maybe just like undiagnosed appendicitis, one punch could kill. Oh yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm out. That would be good. Loose brain. Or what if you went what if you went psychological girlfriend and analyze them psychologically and you're just like friends and family never loved them and you just like were instead like throwing out kind of more psychological barbs. Dad is a time traveler doesn't isn't home very much.

That's right, my dad is a time traveler. At least that's what he tells me. Business trips. I've got another question. What if you just decided to like you know about cosplaying? What if you like cosfighted? What if you said like listen Iron Man like you got in the ring got his head like hey listen Iron Man, I'm not gonna fight you. I'm your best friend from America. We can't do this. Yeah, I think that'd be hugely distracting. That would be it's me red boy. Well, fuck, I can't punch red boy like a punch red boy. We're fast friends on my way to work. I stop at a coffee shop. There is a barista there who whether he is working or just hanging out on his off hours, stares at me like he wants to murder me and wear my skin every single

day. It's majorly creepy and unsettling and not a great start to my day. What do I do? Do I ignore it? Do I go to a different coffee place that's not as convenient? Do I tell a manager even though I'd feel bad if it got him fired? Creepers need jobs too. That's from Coffee Conundrum. There's a sandwich shop very close to me that has some boys in it that made me feel uncomfortable. Not in like a danger place, but just like they don't respect this sort of social cues that me or anybody else in line at this place puts out. And so we have just stopped going to that sandwich place, going to a different sandwich place. Can you give me a little more color? What do you say? That could be anywhere from like jiggling at you. Yeah, okay. Let's just role play,

Justin, you're me. And I really want you to sort of take your own sort of social needs and desires into, hey man, how's your weekend? Wait, am I, so I'm you? Yes. Okay. I'd like a pepperoni sandwich, please. Oh, cool, man. I'll whip that up for you. And then I'm going to sing like a little song like while I do it, like literally sing a song, like literally sing a song. And I'm going to look up a tune and be like, so how's your weekend? How's the sandwich coming? It was fine. It was fine. Okay, so this isn't going to work as at this role play session. Let me try. Let me try. So let's read the recast. Okay. I'm just, I liked Justin better because I know that his like social social stuff is not as good as yours. I got you. Okay. Hey, man, how was your weekend?

Pokemon. All right, fuck you guys. It sounds like they have a joyful heart, like they're approaching the world in their work with a joyful heart. And that's what's making you so uncomfortable. No, it's not. It's bad. It's bad because I like that shit. I'm usually into like having a conversation. I love having a conversation with a person. It's just different. There's a funk to it. There's a funk to it. It's like a judgment funk. Like you're going to say the wrong thing. A bit of a judge. I've gotten that at a coffee shop before where the dude or lady or person was very cool. Just very, yeah. And I knew like, I knew that if I was just like, I would just like,

there's, especially here in Los Angeles where like, I just want to cup of like drip coffee. And then they like artisanally like pour hot water over a single cup brew into a glass pitcher. And the whole time they're just like staring at me as they do it, as though I'm supposed to be impressed that they can pour water over coffee. And then they hand me the coffee and I'm like, okay, cool. And that's $6. Great. Thank you so much. In one transaction with these two boys, one of them quoted Monty Python at me twice. That's where that's where we're at. That's rough. That shouldn't be weaponized. And it absolutely, it's been aerosolized and it was sprayed in my fucking face

and into my nose and mouth and in my breath system. Okay. I feel like if you want to keep talking to this, going to this store, you have to keep dating this Starbucks. If you want to keep in this committed relationship with your local Starbucks, you need to talk to this person and ask them what their fucking story is. That would shut it down, right? Like, I mean, the problem is it is impossible for us to calculate whether or not some sort of flirtation or sexual attraction is figuring into this. Is this someone who is very bad at, who has read the game one too many times and thinks that consistent eye contact is hugely important? Is that a Grisham novel? Yeah. It's a movie where, I think it's Michael

Douglas. Yeah. He is in a big game where they just nag on each other. They just nag each other back and forth and back and forth and the end gets thrown off the building. I think the key to making that work, Justin, because I think you're right. I think you have to find a window of it. Like, so they're doing something that you can con, like maybe they're reading a paper or like something that you can comment on rather than just walking up to them and going, hello, I'm Steven. Or you know what I mean? Like, you need some, because if they respond like, yeah, go fuck yourself. Then you're like, oh, cool. I get exactly what's going on now. But if they do read the situation is whatever interaction you try to have with them,

you are flirting with them. And as far as they're concerned, it's on. You do need to pull out and go to a different coffee shop from now on that coffee shop. I think fuck that. Don't even give them a fucking chance. It is a consumer facing business and you're uncomfortable with the treatment of the consumers. And that's all that matters, baby buck stops here because the customer is always right. Consumers always right. So do you complain, Griffin? No, you fucking bounce. You go somewhere else and give them their dollars and maybe somebody will just all they need is just a coffee and a banana and have a nice day. That's all I need. Coffee, check, banana, check. Go fuck yourself. Not a check. I'm going to go somewhere else. I would mind if I was buying coffee

and a banana and then I handed them the money and they said, okay, thanks, go fuck yourself. I actually would be okay with that as an interaction. Okay. So Dick sort of Dick's last cafe. Yeah, I would know exactly where I stood with that coffee shop. Excuse me, fellas. I needed to take a quick sidebar to talk about the pickup artist. Oh, Jesus. I think the greatest injustice in human history is that we were not producing the show at the same time in San Crenicity with a hit series called The Pickup Artist. We would have known that it was going to about to like ruin fucking everything, right? Just the worst thing. Now, this show, if you missed it, started a guy literally named Mystery who wore a hat that he definitely wore. And if you look

up a picture of Mystery's hat, you'll very much appreciate what a commitment that is to his whole stage. Mystery's spelled in the traditional spelling of the name or like Mr. E. That's no, it's just Mystery. And his real name is Eric Juan Markovic. Oh, right. All right. I'm just super quick. There were, it looks like eight contestants in the first season of The Pickup Artist where he tried to teach these fellas how to score bibs. And I'm just going to read you. They were fighting for bibs? Like that you put delicious bibs. Super quick. I'm going to tell you the stat, I'm not going to tell you their names because who gives a shit. I want to tell you the reasons that they're on the show. Eight quick reasons. Here we go. One, freezes up around women,

Brady, lacking in self-confidence. You just said you weren't going to say their names. I changed my mind. Joe D, the quote, friend to girls. Joe D, friend to all girls. Pradeep. Oh, Joe D. Oh, nice. Yeah. We're going to go have a picnic tomorrow and it's going to be great. Oh, I have a picnic plan with Joe D. He's every girl's friend. Pradeep overanalyzes and talks too much. Joe W starts off strong, but often fails fast. Scott gets very nervous and centers around women. Fred, 40 year old virgin plus five. He's 45. And then lastly, there's Stephen Poon or Spoon, who does not know how to approach women. He was eliminated first. Hi, I'm Spoon. Wait, you get eliminated from this game? You get eliminated from the game.

You'll never talk to women. Get out of here. You'll never be able to talk to women. I feel like we all got eliminated from this game because even if you miss, I never watch the pickup artists. But I feel like on a daily basis, I experience the ripples, the shockwaves that it's sent out across our cultural landscape. I'm so sad we weren't. We missed the reception on a card in Wikipedia. The initial viewer ratings were disappointing, debuting with only 625,000 viewers. Who you are, because to me, nobody watches this fucking show. That does not disappoint me. No, that actually makes me feel pretty good. That appoints me a major way. Griffin is appointed now. I have a higher level.

Fuck that show. Fuck everybody. Fuck all those guys. Fuck this show, Folk Mystery. That show was exactly produced by JD Roth who you'll remember as the finder's keepers. Maybe bring it back on the O network. Maybe on O and all women, gender flipped pickup artists. Just, oh, but that's the twist is like at the end, like women are judges and they're just like, okay, behave. Nope. You did bad. Be a good human being. Oh, you fail. You messed up. No, no, no. Let's take a quick break and go to the money zone. My brother and my brother and me is supported by Squarespace. Travis, what the hell is that? Squarespace? Yeah. What the fuck is that? You tried round space, right?

Yeah. Yeah. And how round space makes really shitty, hard to make websites? Well, Squarespace makes easy, good websites. Why did they do that the first time around? Well, because they weren't sure what should they were like, let's cut corners and they made round space. And then they said, you know what, slap those corners back on there. That's where all the programming was. Yeah. And they glued the corners back on and they made Squarespace. Squarespace. Round space, by the way. Round space is a U.K.-based professional training and coaching outfit and you just really put them in the fucking trash, didn't you? Yeah. Or in the winter circle, you're welcome for the free mention. Back to Squarespace, though.

Squarespace is a host to the macaroyshows.com website where you can find all of the macaroy projects, including YouTube stuff and other podcasts. This feels like a commercial for us. Well, no, but here we are. Good twist. When I started it, I envisioned like, well, this is going to be tough, so I'll just put a couple links on there. And then as I was doing it, I realized how not only easy, but also like versatile it was, like the things you're able to do with very, very, very little expertise and knowledge of what you're doing and end up with a very professional looking website that people have asked me like, well, who did this? And I was like,

I did it in about two hours and I'm able to jump in and make edits and improve things and add new stuff on a whim. And it's so fast and easy. And also, I have had professional websites made before and as a cost-effective option, Squarespace really, really delivers. I highly recommend it and you can start a free trial today. If you go to squarespace.com slash my brother and check it out. You can start a trial without having to pay for anything. And then if you're like, you know what, I really like the website. I really like the way this is looking. You pay to publish and trust me, you won't regret it. Squarespace. Nope. You should. Squarespace. Squarespace. You should Squarespace. Get your Squarespace on your left now.

I want to tell y'all about Club W. It's an exclusive club by which I mean, you can get into it if you go to Club W and go to their website and sign up for it. But it's very exclusive because what does that W stand for? Weapons. What? They send you a new weapon every week. This week, I got a big old club and it's got a gun in the handle of it. It's a gun club. Not true. No, the W actually stands for Winslow. It is a club and we all get together every week when we talk about our favorite sort of family matters stuff. That is also not true. Not true. Tell the truth. Okay. Club W is an exclusive club where we talk about family matters. Guys, I can't. No, it's not. It's about wine. It is a wine

club. It's a wine thing. You fucking know that. Club W allows you to sort of get past all of the stuff where you're shopping for wine and you don't know what any of the words or like flavor profiles mean and you just want some wine to have with your fish or your steak or whatever. But you want something good? Well, Club W's got your back. It's a revolutionary new wine club that sends wine directly to your door. It saves you all the trips to the grocery store, all the like being awkward, standing in the wine aisle, just like picking up bottles and looking at them and pretending to know what the fuck they're all about. Club W asks you a six question quiz and then it sort of determines what your palate is based on that quiz. So every bottle that you get

is perfectly tailored to your tastes. It works directly with vineyards, cuts out the middlemen, saves you money, and it's got a no risk guarantee that you will love drinking what they send you. Right now, Club W is offering listeners $20 off your first order if you go to clubw.com slash my brother. All one word. Again, clubw.com slash my brother. I think it's better. They'll pay for your shipping on orders of four bottles or more. So take something off your to-do list. You need some wine. Just go to clubw.com slash my brother. Get $20 off your first order now. It's clubw.com slash my brother. Here's a message to Emily Lloyd from Liam S Smith and it reads, Dear Emily, aka Reagan, I hope this belated, you know it homie, birthday message fills you with

delight and reminds you that you have peeps in your corner all the way across the sea. Happy birthday. I hope you and Patty keep killing it in the UK. Never forget, you are Emily Lloyd. That's so fucking fresh, isn't it? Never forget, you are Emily Lloyd. In all things, you are Emily Lloyd. You are constant as the northern star. That's so good that for a second there, I thought I was Emily Lloyd. No. Today, we are all Emily Lloyd. Lots of love, your pal, Liam. You are Emily Lloyd. And you are Emily Lloyd. And you are Emily Lloyd. And you are the northern star, the Polaris around which all of us must navigate. You are Emily Lloyd. This is actually from your pal Liam and everyone else, but they didn't pay for this message. I like that,

Liam. Fuck them. Put up or shut up. Got another message here. This one's for Jair and Richie, and it's from Sian Khan. Sian. Sia, by the chandelier singer. Jair and Richie, this message is from Sian who says, this is what it would feel like if the Brothers MacRoy knew you existed. Please enjoy this fleeting moment of recognition. Can the three of us just say our favorite thing about Jair and Richie? Their names sound really good when you say them together. They have a good mouth field. Jair and Richie. I like the way that they're always together. You never just see Jair, you never just see Richie. It's a really pretty sweet package deal. Jair can jump really high, and Richie is gluten intolerant. Yeah, which I like, because it leaves more bread for me.

Jair can jump really high, and Richie can duck really fast. It makes for a lot of really fun. Yeah, they do antics and stuff. You just walk in the movie theater, and then all of a sudden, you look behind you and just whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. And if it's not clear, this is a comedy podcast. Beef out. Recently, I helped a friend move. Can I? No. What? I think I want to do a yahoo. Okay, go for it. Actually, I think I want to, somebody sent me a tweet. Okay, that's not really. Well, no, it's pretty, this tweet is pretty dark. I don't know if I should say the user or not. Let's talk about it first, then we can say like, if we want to like mention the user's name.

But it's a picture of, apparently, it's very dark, but apparently it's a picture of them just like smoking a joint. And they said, good games, Inc., which is almost the name of the video game podcast I do with Nick Robinson at Polygon. That's cool games, Inc. What I'm doing while listening to your podcast, enjoying a jazz cigarette at home, and it's just like a picture of them like having, smoking a pedooper. And then I sort of went through their account, and that's exclusively this person's activities. Trends like these, what I'm doing while listening to your podcast, getting some exercise, playing some B-Ball, and showing off, here's a picture of a basketball court.

Got one, Oh, No, Ross and Carrie. What I'm doing while listening to your podcast, relaxing before picking up my wife from work. And this is just like a picture from a bed. I wear something lying down. That's so fresh. I'm like really very into it. It's Francis Reid. Maybe, maybe, they've only been doing this for about a month or so. But I'm into this that, well, first of all, I love when people send me a picture of them doing drugs, because I see that. I'm like, fucking cool. Yes. Yes, my people. Love drugs. Drugs, top notch. It's so important in, there's just a flood of social media presences in the world. And it's so important to establish, like, what's your brand? You know, what's your, what's your thing? And if your thing is letting

podcasts know what you're doing while you're listening to them. Guys, listen, if you ever are listening to us, make our jokes. And you say, this seems like the kind of thing I would love to spark up to. Don't be afraid. We're not fucking cops. We will not narc you out. Send me those pics of you sparking one up to our jokes. And I want to be, I want to be clear. It doesn't have to just be that. If you're also like slamming a brew or explicitly sparking up a joint. I want pictures of people slamming brews. Okay. Francis, Francis hasn't limited himself to that. Francis, uh, he tweeted, uh, at Julian loves music, what I'm doing while listening to your podcasts, making two deposits to make. That's so great. Like that's such a great account.

Here's what I'm going to give. I'm going to give the, the information. W I D W I L T Y P with an app before it. This is a, this is a fucking good account. If you see this person tweeting, please tweet at them. Like you're crushing her nice to blaze. And what I'm doing while listening to your podcast, forging an axe. There's one where he's just forging an axe. Yeah, that's, that's, is it the different podcasts inspire him to do different things? Or is he just like relegated that like I only listen to hello from the magic tavern while I forge an axe. Um, let's do a Yahoo. This one was sent in by Morgan Davy. Thank you, Morgan. It's by Yahoo Answers user following this person right now. U2K at U2K heart heart. Who says

who believes Bruce Willis is a Yahoo user? I accident, I accidental found a Bruce Willis user account and I fan boxed that users, what? What? Is that like shadow boxing? And I fan boxed that users and also ask him a few Q if he really is, then he knows, then he knows my husband and can answer those four Q. Over 3000 idiots answered that user's Q and many stared it, etc. How stupid are people? Can anyone in Yahoo verify that it's him? I just called that user out. I call him, um, I call him, um, a lair. And if he could answer those four Q's, I'd know for real. Okay, okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So it's basically like telling me something only Bruce Willis would know. Okay, so I think just sort of reading, I think this may be written in, is there a different

version of English that, um, hand that like reads like Arabic where you're supposed to go right to left? Because that's the only way that I can sort of piece this one together. Is there a part in this question where this person says their husband knows Bruce Willis? I think it says their hubby knows Bruno and I know things. He's related information to me that only the real Bruno would know. I don't want any fake Bruno's in the mix. So this person asked questions maybe about, hey, if it's really you, Bruce, tell me what my husband's favorite animal is. You would know. Do you think Bruno uses Yahoo answers? How else does he find stuff out? That is a good question. How do you learn stuff? Sometimes I like to think of like,

I'm, I'm wishing on the same big bright star as Bruno because like I think about like he has to at least accidentally have stumbled onto Yahoo answers at some point and just like maybe it was the same time that I was having a session on Yahoo. We've passed 300. What if he's listening right now? What if he's listening to this going, I am a Yahoo user. I found it through your show. No, that's too much to ask. I would just be happy to know that we both use the same website. It's at a certain point. You probably both use Google. What do you think is a better album title? Okay. Bruce Willis is the return of Bruno or Aerosmith's honking on Bobo. Between those two, which is the better album title? Bruno, if we could somehow do like a gray album

mashup of the two. Honking on Bruno. Honking on Bruno. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And thank you Justin for that mind voice that just discovered the name of episode 302 of my brother, my brother and me. A lot of harmonica work by Stephen Tyler and Honking on Bobo. I know you might be thinking, where did you get that fucking crazy name? Joe Perry stayed in a radio interview. We just know that it's a phrase that sounds jazzy, jazzy, nasty-ish. So it works for us. I wouldn't say it was nasty-ish. I would just say remove the ish from that. It's just plain nasty. Here's a fun sort of thought experiment. A thought experiment. Think of a sex act that could not be described as honking on Bobo. Now, write it down on a piece of paper

and mail it to P.O. Box. But stuff? No. No. It's like the universal sex solvent. Like everything, everything can fit into honking on Bobo. A billy job? I think that might be the actual definition of honking on Bobo. Yeah. All of them. All of them. Just like, really? F and the S out of a clown? That's a little on the nose. And it would be on the nose. The Return of Bruno was an album released by Bruce Willis. If it don't kill you, it just makes you stronger. Yeah. It was an album by Bruce Willis. Excellent. And his third album released in 1999 is- 1999? Well, it's classic Bruce Willis. So they've apparently taken some of the biggest hits from his first two albums and turned it into sort of a greatest hit called Classic Bruce Willis.

Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. Did he name his first album Return of Bruno? Yes, Travis. He did do this thing, you said. Now, was this a- was this a- He put Return in his first album? Yes. Now, can I just real quick can me establish was it a Chris Gaines fugue state? Or was this the same- this is Bruce Willis, you know and love? Only this time, he's doing something a little bit different, which is to say he's honking on Bobo. No, he- it was a tie in with Hudson Hawk. It is- okay, so the Return of Bruno- Oh boy, we're really getting into it now. Gotta go deep, because like I've been obsessed with the news since I'm forever. Apparently, there was also a one-hour HBO special. It is a mockumentary

starring Bruce Willis as his fictitious alter ego. Oh shit. Bruno Radilini, it was indeed a Chris Gaines fugue state. Oh shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What the fuck, dude? You know that this motherfucker covered secret agent, man? Yeah, we're- I can't- On the album? I'm looking at my copy of surrogates right now and I'm weeping and we need to move on because it's starting to hurt. Is he a yahoo answers user? I mean, I would have said no before. Yeah. I'm starting to feel very confident. He might not be, but Bruno might be. Maybe Bruno- oh man, no, I don't use it, but Bruno, he loves it. What? He won't shut up about it. Won't shut up about it? I don't even know how to use a computer. It's a computer, Bruce. It's a computer. It's pronounced computer. I'm just looking at

on yahoo. Oh, what'd you find? I've been- it's just some fucking luck on- he's giving on this album cover. No, it's very good. It's like, oh yeah, it's me, Brucey Boy, and I'm here to sing you some tunes. It's me on back of Bruno. It should be- it's a Bruce Willis solo album. The only acceptable look is like pennants. I'm sorry. I know you bought this because you enjoyed my act. Do you like this non-secret agent, man? I'm just like- I did a quick yahoo search for Bruce Willis Bruno on yahoo answers. Found this one by yahoo answers user. Sorry, something's gonna rock. Is Bruce Willis a good singer? Do you remember the return of Bruno in the 90s? Do you remember the cover

version of Under the Boardwalk he did? So this could ostensibly be Bruno asking the question. Somebody says, I am sure he's a good of a singer as he is a yahoo answers user, lol. So this is eight years ago, starting to think there may be a little bit of credibility. Somebody says, yes, a good bedroom singer. What the fuck, dude? What? What does that mean? He's thirsty for that bobo. When he's hung of that bobo, he's really going to town lyrically. His cover of Under the Boardwalk was the number two massive smash in the UK. Hey, it's- hey, the UK, are you okay? Right now? Are you doing all right? Seems like you made Bruce Willis a big- a big singing sensation over there with this cover of a 150-year-old song. In episode I just googled yahoo answers

Bruce Willis. We are one of the top results because apparently in episode 74 of My Brother, My Brother Me, we addressed the question, how can I get over- how can I overcome my fear of Bruce Willis? Do you want to read a question, Justin? Yeah, I'd love that. Recently, I helped a friend move working for about six hours for no compensation other than a promised dinner that never came. While humping Kerry TV downstairs, I tripped over a hole in the sidewalk and hit the TV in the ground. It looked fine until I plugged it in. When we saw what looked like green ooze- It's turning into Goosebumps book. If I saw what looked like green ooze- I just imagined the cover and it's two boys sitting on a couch while green ooze comes out of a TV

and then underneath it and that Goosebumps font, it just says, I fucked up. Sorry, Derek, my RL stein. Aw, fuck, Derek, I really goobered it up this time, bud. I goosed your bumps, I'm sorry, man. Why is there a green goo in the TV? What? Okay. Slime time, Colin, I done fucked up, Derek. Okay, it looked fine until I plugged it in. When we saw it look like green ooze dripping in the picture on the top right. What do I owe my friend? I offered my slightly smaller TV a 45-inch to replace the 50-inch on damage, but he wants to replace it with a new one. How much should I contribute to a $450 replacement for a mistake I made while hoping for free? That's from Alex Martin. Are you gonna say none? None dollars? None dollars,

right? Like if you wanted somebody who wouldn't break his shit, he should have hired a professional. It's kind of the risk of like moving. Yeah, when you roll up to help a friend move, you're like, hey, so do you want the $50 Derek insurance plan? You give me $50, if I break into your shit, I'll replace it. That's not how any of that works. That's not how any of the, like, you've carried a TV in your life, what, like maybe 10 times? Like, oh, I'll tell you this, it's a damn sight short of like 10,000 hours, you need to be an expert TV carrier. They should have known better. I would say that especially if your friend, and it doesn't sound like from the question, isn't asking you to pay for it. I think that you don't have to feel any kind of guilt

or over any kind of like remorse by what happened because you know accidents happen. Now, if you would like really mad because no pizza was delivered and you'd smash the TV on the ground. Yeah, different scenario. Yeah. And also the fact that he doesn't want to replace it with the 45 inch tells me this is just somebody who's got a hankering to buy a new TV and it's pretty exciting. They might have put that green ooze on there themselves because it doesn't make a damn lick of sense otherwise. Oh, you think maybe they jellyed up the base before you started carrying it and then slippy, slip, slip on that raspberry jam. Oopsidaisies. Oopsidaisies. Well, that's on you, Derek. Here's the TV I want. I have a coupon for it right here in my pocket.

Isn't that weird? I think you're going to want to go with this 50 inch. The blacks are real black. It's got a really good clarity. The sound's just amazing and there's just plenty of green ooze in there. Now, you want to be careful because if that green ooze gets loose, it will ruin the TV and curse you forever. But you're going to love the definition. You cannot destroy the green ooze. Everything you do to destroy this, let's just call it what it is, monster blood, is only going to make it double in size and volume. But that's 10 82p. That ooze gets you that two extra peas. And nobody's quite sure what peas are still like to this day. But I think they, when you're watching the Civil War on it, it just makes it.

You're going to love it. But again, if it is free, if it is released, it's going to eat your friends, it's going to eat your babysitter, and every person it eats, it's going to make it more insane. Your dog's going to eat some of it and it's going to taste like lime jello. But then that dog, kiss goodbye. Yeah, it's going to turn into a monster dog. You're going to have to kill it with a pickaxe. It'll be $450, please. This is a good book. By the way, I'd read this book. My favorite Goosebumps books are Camp Nightmare, The Choose Your Own Adventure One, Set in the Amusement Park, and then Slime Time, Oops, Derek, I fucked up. TV shopping. My favorite is The Beast, which is a book Arlstein wrote but does not, because it's set in Kings Island, a favorite

haunt of ours as a young man, but it is not in the officially licensed Goosebumps franchise. It's too explicit. I like his sex romp, 50 Shades of Green, and this one is, they have sex with Monster Blood? Okay. Well, listen, that's going to do it for us. Thank you so much for listening to our program. My brother, my brother, and me. That one. Don't go anywhere. We have huge news. Oh, sorry, yes. Don't change that dial. This is huge. This is huge. We've got two big, big, big live shows, and they're happening very, very, very soon, unnervingly soon, I would say. Well, Travis, why don't you tell everybody?

You seem very excited about it. It is June 3rd and June 4th, so like, in less than a fucking month, yeah. On June 3rd, Friday, June 3rd, we are going to be in Washington, DC, and on June 4th, we are going to be in New York City. I know we should have maybe been more explicit last time. I feel bad actually on how much we goofed on people, but we've never been to Washington, DC before, and we have a ton of listeners there. At least I fucking hope we do. Yeah, Barry Obama called and said, please come do a show. I really want to see it. Like, what are we going to do? Say no. DC, June 3rd, we're going to be at the Lincoln Theater. You can find tickets for that show

at bit.ly slash mbmbamdc2016, a bit of a convoluted earl, but I bet it's the best we could. Well, that's only because I assume we'll be doing DC in 2017 and 2018 and 2019 when everybody rolls up and shows us their love. I would say we'll never go again, so you better make it count. Again, Lincoln Theater, June 3rd, Friday, June 3rd, bit.ly slash mbmbamdc2016, and then New York City, Saturday, June 4th. New York City. Okay. We're going to be at the PlayStation Theater, which is very exciting. Can't wait to hang out with Crash Bandicoot. Playing Uncharted 4. Can't wait to hang out with Crash Bandicoot, all my friends. That's bit.ly slash mbmbamnyc2016. You can find tickets for there. When are the tickets going

to go on sale, Trab? They go on sale May 13th, this Friday at noon Eastern Standard Time. So last time we came to New York, we played a theater that was 90 seats, and we sold out literally instantly. The PlayStation Theater is much, much bigger. I have no idea how quickly they're going to sell in DC, but hopefully it won't be as big a shit show, but we cannot add extra shows to the docket. It's just these two, so get your tickets fast. And also just know that in the past, we don't put the tickets on sale. They go on sale from the venue. So that noon, we tried to really push the people to wait till noon, but it wouldn't hurt maybe to start checking in 15 minutes beforehand just to see if they're

live yet. We've had issues with that in the past, so just answer. We also are, it's not just going to be us. That would be boring. We are going to be joined at both shows by Saul Bones, a marital tour of Misguided Medicine that I co-host with my wife, Sydney, and we've got special podcast guests different for both of the shows, right? Yes, that is correct. In New York City, you're going to be able to see still buffering before Saul Bones, and then in DC, you're going to get to see Schmanners, which is this show that I do with

my wife about etiquette in the modern world. It'll be our first live show. We're very, very excited. Yeah, first for still buffering too. So that's going to be huge, big, big shows, three podcasts for the price one. It's going to be a lot of fun. Now, if you want to see a live Rose Buddies, you tell me what the f**k that looks like. You just tell me how to f**king do that. Do we spend an hour making the audience watch an episode of The Bachelor before we talk about it? I don't know. I don't know. It's the eternal puzzle.

So you will also tweet when the tickets go live, so just be sure. Just don't sleep on it because I'm pretty sure they're reserve seats. So don't sleep on it, just like buy your tickets. If you got questions for us, send them to mbnbam at maximumfun.org. Travis, I mentioned McElroyshows.com. There's a lot of other great Max Fun shows. Beef and Dairy Network is like my favorite new thing. It's so funny. Listen to it. Oh, I asked, I want to say, Dear Hank and John, the podcast that Hank Green and John Green do, they've plugged us a couple of times and it's a really great show. It is a fantastic show.

And they're absolutely lovely people. It's like our show if we were geniuses. Like had anything to fucking offer the world. I got to hang out with Hank. He did an episode of Can I Pick Your Dog and he's just an absolutely lovely human being. So thank you to them and go check out their show. Thanks to John Rocher for the Long Winters, for the theme song It's a Departure, off the album Putting the Days to Bed. It's such a good album. I started listening to When I Pretend to Fall a lot. Just weird. It's not usually a summer album. That's more of a Fall

winter album for me, but it's a wonderful album. Go check it out. We have merch on MaxFunStore. It's maxfunstore.com. You can find it all there. Perfect. That's going to do it for us. Griffin, do you have a final Yahoo to this thing? Hell, yes. It's sent in by Ryden. Hi, Zoe Kansky. Thank you, Zoe. It's by Yahoo Answers user Brian Cohen, who asks, If animals don't want to be eaten, why are they made of food? I'm just a McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. Did my brother and my brother and me kiss your dad's square on the lips? Girls didn't want to say, hey, I won.

Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. You guys, I'm so excited to introduce to you my new baby, Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness. This is going to be a really fun look at things that I find curious, whether it's a menstrual cup, it might be the Romanoff family, it might be fracking, it could be Carly Fiorina. I don't even know. Who knows? It's going to be whatever I think is interesting. I can't wait to bring it to you guys. We're going to be bringing in content experts. I'm going to be learning the things. It's only going to take about 30 minutes for you to expand your baby brains with me and have a super fun time so I can't wait to see you on our first episode of Getting Curious.