My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 303: Toot Me to Cabo

Episode Date: May 16, 2016

We're excited to announce that we are going to win next year's Eurovision Song Contest! Our triumph is written in the stars. Our plan of attack is undefeatable: Opulent Gowns, Key Changes and So, So Much Spinning. Prepare to be DAZZLED. Suggested talking points: Eurovision 2017 Announcement, Pizza Patronage, Toot Dollars, Gator Terror, Cheese Shortage, Goose Attack

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls from around the globe. It's my brother, my brother, me and advice show for the modern era Eurovision special. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm the oldest brother. Oh, I'm Travis McElroy, your middleest brother. I'm your sweet baby brother Griffin McElroy. Justin, I love how you said Eurovision special

really quick and under your breath, as if to hide it. I didn't want it to be a big commitment, because I don't want to talk about it that much. Oh, folks, don't get it twisted. This bit might not work. And so Justin just left himself a little rip cord, a little parachute to get out of it if he needs to. What? I never said that. What are you talking about? I thought I was pressing the cough button. It's funny that you said that, Travis, because many of the performers in Eurovision 2016, their acts involved parachutes of multiple kinds.

Now, I did not watch Eurovision because I wanted to come at this Eurovision special with fresh eyes, as our audience might. I want to be their window in. Fresh, quite a sacrifice. Fresh, dumb, uninformed eyes. Exactly. So tell me it's people from countries that are not America. Yes, right? Singing songs. Pretty much. It's gotten to the point with the Eurovision contestants,

where it's starting to feel a bit intentional. It is not just Europe, but it's definitely not America. That's kind of becoming what they mean by this. They only let us watch it this year on the logo, which is such a perfect pairing for it. Here's the thing, fellas. I don't think they can keep America out for too long, because we have a special way of getting what we want. We're a little bit of a juggernaut, I think would be the word I would use. I don't want to get dictatorial about it, but what baby want, a baby going to get. If we levy sanctions against Europe so that we get to participate in Eurovision,

maybe that's like the first act of whoever's president in 2017. If we already weren't embargoing them in some way to get me up on that stage. Here's the thing, my boys, my brother boys. I recently came to the sad realization that even if I started right now, and I started working real, real hard, and I quit both of my jobs, all of my jobs, my many jobs, I quit all of them, and I just dedicated myself to sport. I probably will not be able to qualify for the Rio Olympics in 2016. How many months away is that? Like one, and I was really thinking about, maybe there's some loophole, maybe there's

some sport I haven't thought of that if I just really put my nose to the grindstone for 30 days, I could get Olympics good at. Is there like a beanbag cornhole in the Olympics this year? If there was baggos in the Olympics, and God knows I've been petitioning the council for that for a long time, but no, sadly, no. My best chance is like beach volleyball, and that's even like way beyond mine. Even that, those dudes are like nine feet tall. Yeah, and the women are nine feet tall. Everyone's nine feet tall.

Everyone's nine feet tall. And all the dudes got that surgery to sew up all their various cracks and holes to prevent sand infiltration. And to prevent ball passage through. They've made themselves into human kites, essentially. Yeah, basically. So the situation is such that I will not, this is my formal announcement, I will not be attending and competing in the Rio Olympics 2016 games.

Even if invited? If invited, you know I'll be there. Okay. Because it was rude. Is that a boycott? No. He's not a cad. No, it's just I don't think I'll be able to do sport that good.

So my whole thing is now, I'm turning my attention to just what the next thing will be, and I think the next thing will be me representing America in Eurovision 2017, singing my song about, you know, patriotism or like whatever the situation is in 2017. Here's what I'm confused by, because it seems like there's a structure already in place of like everybody's got their own idol, American Idol, Canadian Idol, you know, Britain X-Factor, whatever they call it over there. It feels like it should be like the Miss America pageant, where everybody like wins their idol, and then we have like a world idol.

It is essentially like there's the UK's dudes, where these two dudes that were on the voice, and they competed against each other on the voice, and they were bitter rivals. But then I think much like in a Japanese visual novel, or the Mighty Ducks. These two pretty, no, not exactly like the Mighty Ducks. I was doing a Japanese visual novel joke because these two very pretty boys fell in love, and I don't think that happens in D1, D2, or D3. Tiddit? Hold on. Hold on, wait.

Charlie and banks. I'm writing notes right now that say Mighty Ducks, Japanese visual novel, any boy slash any boy. Okay, we got that one filed away for later. Can I please do this? Can Griffin just be for America? Can Griffin just do this? I promised not to fuck it up.

Like a lot of those boys got up there, and it was only the boys that fucked it up, I feel like. Because the boys would get up there, and they would just do, they would put, they had a guitar. And once I saw a guitar, I was like, I'm not going to enjoy this. What I want is a woman in a dress made out of crystals and light, and then she does a Final Fantasy summon. That's like, those were the best ones. Those were the best ones. There was, the Ukraine did one where she was dancing, and light came out of her feet,

and then like she sucked up all the light in the entire like stadium, like all the light like flew into her body, and she was glowing, and then she screamsang a sad dirge into the air, and a tree made up, you'd yourself fucking barfed out of her mouth, and filled the place with life and beauty. And I would like, that's, that's kind of I think the style I would go for. So they have been doing, Travis, they've been doing this for 60 years, and it only now occurred to them that maybe they could let us watch

this amazing spectacle that they have been hiding from us for all this time, because they were afraid rightfully so that we would ruin it. Griffin, step by step, what would your performance be? Walk us through it. So just based on the Eurovision I did watch, it would involve whatever song I sang. Is there a song that has two key changes? How many does Man in the Mirror have? It's got, it can't be previously published.

That's one of the rules. Oh, really? Okay, what about? I speak completely new. Boy in the reflective surface. Okay. I'm contemplating the boy and the man. I'm wondering if we could do things a little differently.

Make that transition. Switch it up. There was, I can't remember. I think it was Croatia had this thing where she looked dope. I think it was Croatia who looked like Robin essentially, and she came out and she was wearing like a kind of a big kimono situation. And then there were four monks there, and the four monks did nothing. They just stood behind her.

But at one point two of them came up and tore her dress apart, and she was wearing a better, even cooler armor dress underneath. So like definitely, definitely something like that. Whatever I do, it's going to be opulent. That's for certain, and it's going to involve the consumption and expulsion of light from every pore in my body. One of the coolest things, or the craziest things, or however you want to say it about Eurovision,

is that they have, there are like 26 competitors in the finals. And 10 of the, like 20 of those are from semifinals. One is from the host country. And five of them are the UK, France, Germany, Spain, and Italy, because they give the most money, so they always get to be there. They get to be, yeah. That's fucking so good. I like that much transparency in a thing, which is like, hey, this is what's up.

I hope one day one of the countries abuses it, and just like, here is our song, it's called Time for Fart. Enjoy. You must listen. It's a finalist. It is called a Time for Fart. There's not even notes. It's just, were you doing groove from Despicable Me?

I don't know what country he's from, but that's what you sounded like. It was just generically European. Generically European. One thing I will say though, I do hope we can get announcers that aren't quite as scandalous next year for our American commentation. At one point, a very attractive young man was, they said that he was openly bisexual. And then one of the commentators said, so everybody gets a turn. And I'm not sure that's how that works.

No. I'm not sure that's what that means. And maybe they were confused because they saw the person and thought they were, you know, a carnival ride and not a human being. Or maybe they misheard and they thought they said he's open with his bicycle. So everybody can ride his bicycle. And now, welcome to the stage, a pile of orifices that can sing real nice. I don't think that's how it works, Carson.

Anyway, Eurovision Song Contest was amazing. Catch you in 2017. I'm gonna be there. I still won't be allowed to perform, but if they are, Griffin is ready to. I would like Griffin to perform and I would like Justin and I to commentate because it would just be a lot of this. What? He's amazing.

If they don't let the U.S. and I'm fucking moving to Croatia and I'm gonna, I'm gonna make the connections I need to make. I'm gonna grease the right wheels, grease the right elbows. By the way, just like YouTube, Eurovision, like greatest or Eurovision weirdest or your, if you have no idea what we're talking about, please seek this out. This is like high quality entertainment. Anyway, it's not as high quality as the show we've got prepared for you. So let's get to it.

My girlfriend and I just moved to a new city where we only know a single person. We like this person and she has gladly welcomed us into her group of friends. The trouble is she and her friends are all salaried software developers at big tech companies. My girlfriend and I are artists currently working hourly. We like hanging out with these people, but they often end up at bars, restaurants, etc. that are a bit over our budget. Even game nights can get pricier than we like once we order takeout from their favorite nice places. Brothers, how do we trick our well-to-do friends into adopting our penny-pinching lifestyle

that's from not so salaried in Seattle? This is really a very tough question. It really is. It's a hard one to start at. We could have started with the softball scraps. Nope. Hey, this is 303. This is volume two.

No more softballs. I've reached a, I don't know how to talk about this without sounding like a complete asshole, but I don't really, I don't really care so much about the exchange of finances anymore when it comes to a hang sesh or a dinner with friends. And I think it's just because like I'm doing better than I did when we started doing this podcast and I was absolutely coming from the other way. And I was like, oh, when you split the check, it's not right. The one person needs a steak.

One person needs to sell. And they're like, to me, it's harder for me to get a hang sesh going with my group of friends. And so this stuff doesn't matter as much to me anymore, which I know is like not helpful to hear. That's awesome. It's a little bit, I'm with you. I understand what you're saying. It's also kind of a privileged position. It's a privileged position.

But the point I'm trying to make is like, I bet to your friends, it doesn't like matter as much that you cannot contribute as much to the hang session. But that's just like, I feel like that's how our group of friends operates. I feel you. Because every so often like I find myself in a position where I'm able to cover something where I'm like, I've got it. Dinner's on me, right? And you'll occasionally see the other person kind of do that little bit of like slump

shoulder. Like I feel bad that I can't see that. And it makes me happy to cover the thing. And it doesn't. But or if someone's like, just says outright, like, hey, could we go somewhere else? Like this is a little out of my price range. I'm never going to judge them. No, I'm totally fine with that too.

My point is just like, I am so psyched when I can get a board game sesh together with my friends. You're saying sesh a lot. You're saying sesh a lot. Like am I saying sesh a lot? Like, okay. I'll dial it back. Whenever I'm having a fucking box social with my buds, I get so excited to that that event has come together that like, I just like, I don't really, I don't really,

I just don't care if I get dinner. And then that's not coming from like a, my treat, come together, people feast upon my dinner rot. It's not that. It's just like, I don't give a shit about that. The more important thing to me is like, I'm happy that we all got together. So like one, one thing you can try is that like, if, if, you know, everybody goes through different times and they have a bit more money and there's other

ways that like your friends can contribute. So sometimes we'll go out with like a couple friend and, you know, we'll all cover the check or sit now, cover the check, and then after the meal, I'll look at the husband and I'll say, and no, I will help you. No, come on. Yeah. No, but listen, hear me out. I don't want to hear.

No, I specifically interrupted you because I didn't want to hear you out. I gets one thing that you could try. Hold on. I want to see where he's going with this. Now I will have a little woman. Like, I'll try like, just say it like that. Like, like Zonkief. Say it like Zonkief?

No, I will have your. Let me okay. Let me give a secondary. Okay, you're doing a drag like that one got outvoted. Yeah. Um You're both artists. Congratulations. This problem has been solved cursey of yours truly Just a macro the king of device next time everybody they get their uh, what is it sesame? For the chicken wings foe what is it's like a good takeout like what's fancy takeout? I only have like eight different Papa John's here, uh, but like you have foe takeout You're just like eating now. What is foe takeout? Is that like the restaurant is somehow your rival your enemy and they challenge you to eat their food

I don't know what foe is but a lot of people. Well, it's it's nothing. It's foe. You mean foe foe? Yeah The oh has like the oh has like a fun line over that sounds like you're gonna Finish a word and like bailed halfway through like but can I get some fun soup? All right. Let me try Let's say you're getting like really like nice pizza and you go like good They order from a place that puts like gold in it and you are eating it and as you're eating it Because you're an artist you can just look at the person who picks up the check and say congratulations You're now a patron of the arts because that think about it

They're helping to support putting more artistic works out into the world because they are helping to keep you fed They're gonna be a pizza fuel so that you're not make artworks if you're an artist you are never mooching You are allowing patronage. Yeah to occur It's a beautiful system that's been in place since the middle ages And who are we to upset that particular? Take a take a pepperoni off the saw and especially one that has a pool of grease in it And then you take a parchment and then you do a little doodle look at this political cartoon I made You take two of the garlic breadsticks and you stick forks in of my binyon jude

And you say look I do performance. Sorry. You just help pay for it. And then you just eat the breadsticks It also if it comes down to it, maybe you plan an event Every so often and try to work that into the rotation of you guys all hanging out Then you have a little bit more control over What the cost of everything is and what the spending of everything is and but this is the hard thing is like I know what you're saying trap, but like the hard thing is like it's also not I mean this is shitty, but like this is such a pervasive thing like this happens

It's for a lot of people who are like everybody's this at the same social economic strata in college basically because or you know high school in college because like No, everybody's doing nobody has a job like nobody has a job and then it gets like stratified over The years after it and it's like it's not fair for them for this couple to like Try to get everybody to do something That is like less expensive. You know what I mean? Like because it's not a concern to them I think the bigger the bigger issue is in that in that first sentence the question they say they just moved here

And they really only know one of these folks and so like I feel like I've never stopped hanging out with somebody because we were in different Economic strata or whatever Yeah, but I can understand how that discomfort could be magnified based on the fact that you are new to this group And so it's sort of yeah It's a little bit harder to be like I can't afford it and not expect judgment because you don't know these people as well I still don't think there will be any judgment unless these people are like complete jags. There won't be judgment. It'll be self-inflicted

Right, it's an emotional toll it takes on you like because you do feel that way like even if the other people don't care like I think people like I like I like I look for opportunities where I can like Do this kind of stuff because I like taking care of people but I know that that also has like of You know some people that the sort of grates on them and you know I also bet that like these people Look at you with the tinge of jealousy because you guys get to like create art and like they may love their jobs

But like wish that they could be artists and you know that kind of thing Like everybody has something in their lives that everybody else looks at and goes I wish I could do that. Yeah, you know what I mean? So it's not like their lives are perfect and you guys are not doing it Right, just everybody has a different path a lot of people look at me and they say I wish I could Sing and spin at the same time like Griffin does for his Eurovision performance And I say it's it's really hard to do because like a lot of people can sing a lot of people can spin doing both at once It's it's really tricky. Um, can I move on to this as I was talking about fungible financial fun fungible matters

I'd love to discuss a relevant that was my favorite tgif show fungible matters Everywhere you look that's not the theme song of family matters This one's sent him by rob van lipwig. Thank you rob. It's by yahoo answers user Oh, okay Well, okay All right. So this yahoo. Okay. So this yahoo answers user has uh, brak It's their user icon So I got really excited about what the name would be but then I hovered over it and the name is brak hates hillary clinton

Oh, no, okay, which I don't know. I don't think that's I don't think I think you may be projecting a little bit Uh, anyway, this person says How would you handle students who charge your son or daughter one dollar? Each time he or she farts in class So open that's what you're gonna say You were hoping I was you were at what point did you start hoping for that? He waited with baited breath. How would you handle students who charge your son or daughter one dollar? Each time he or she farts in class

I love this because it I think oh you oh you love this Well, there's an inherent implication that has happened enough that they had to establish punitive measures Yeah, well this was like the swear jar in the office that was like no, you know what derrick fine You want to do it every time it's a dollar now. Do you want to do it? Oh, you're still doing it five dollars I would want this Because this is a this could turn into a very weird Potentially profitable form of bullying um

Because you could you if not if in the in the wrong hands This lawkeeper would just be like I heard that cheesy blast. You give me a buck and it's like I didn't I didn't guys I didn't I didn't blast one that wasn't me Um, and so I would start a little higher pitch that's how you can tell I would almost want this to be either like an elected position or like a captain of the safety patrol Maybe just the captain of the safety patrol is the one that does it The question is is it everybody is held to the same standard or is it just one kid? Right, can he buy somebody else's carbon offset?

Credits to like blow some more if they aren't particularly duty That's a good point and another form of corruption is you just bribe the The the just a car And say like how about you let me get off scott free. I'll give you five for ten I also wonder if you can like Like If you do pay the dollar if that's the system that's been put in place here

If you do pay the dollar do you then get to fart? without any sort of like Shame or like you pay a head you pay it forward. You say like here's ten for the day leave me alone I'm just gonna be ripped. I'm not stop. Here's a game stop pre-order For the fart. I'm gonna do a 3 15 p.m. Today Look forward to that. Where's the money go? Do you think it just goes into a pool for the whole class or is there one? Oh, yeah Fucking cedar point

It's like it's a big class trip. It's like damn. Thanks, Michael Keep eating keep eating those that fibrous food my boy. I'm glad you like that hummus Michael Damn, I have to go to cosine. Thanks. I'm having a fun time on this Roller coaster glad you lactose intolerant as fuck Mikey I wish Mikey could have been here with us on this roller coaster trip. He paid for well, unfortunately his parents had to sell their house He dug two of their savings away Was the law He took me at a house at home. I wish he was up to me

Man, this is the best fart trip. We've ever been on guys next year Let's really up all the the sort of high protein beanie foods and let's get let's get to Cabo We have a great time miss frizzle Miss frizzle. Let's find our way to Cabo What if the teacher had to pay was the only one like any time someone in the class The teacher What sense does that make that's just the teachers are already not making enough money Now they're having to pay for their students toots

I think I think I think it's like cab rules right like they have to hang signs up in cabs now because human beings are awful And it's like hey, I have to drive around in this car all day Just don't please don't I think the teacher's operate by the same rule set like you can move on in third period You get to leave and go study science But your your your specter hangs out here in this room. I have to be in all day. I think the teacher gets a buck I think the teacher gets the buck. Well, they're definitely getting their big wet in this hole You pay a buck for like maybe oh, they're definitely getting the juice somewhere. Yeah the big

It's going towards their 401k. You know what I mean? I'm worried we've been in delicate. I'm worried we've been in delicate Because I'm looking at the the answers that people have said and they're all Very concerned I would talk to the school any act of being mean or extorting another student is being an actual bully The school principal won't do anything go to the school board if they won't do anything Raise hell start calling news stations and create a facebook post on the school site try to get all thanks dad My my flatulent son is getting bullied so bad Oh

Next next on wchs news This cave farts a bunch. Oh my god you y'all you wouldn't believe it Anyway, this is bullying and not just like a once or twice thing That's a thing Just so we get it right on the lower third. The last name is stinkmeister. No, I told you already If that's not it's stonkin meester stonkin meester, please. I don't know which side of this I come down on I feel like I just in your apparent now Yeah, I kind of feel like I kind of feel like it depends on how the bully comports himself

Like I feel like it's if it's very if it's like like give me a dollar 40 Like it's bad, but if he's like listen, I hate that I hate that I have to do this But you know, it's out of my hands like I What if he's got a little like green visor and like some like sleeve garters and every time he's a fart He just like taps it into like a paper Calculator printer thing and like pulls down a handle and he's like that's one more and it's not there's no bullying to it whatsoever This is just like a fact like matter of fact

Exchange of goods and services you fart. It's a dollar. What's the pun? What's the punishment if you don't pay up though? Present they break your legs. Oh god. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they break good legs. What if you have a chair? That just like squeaks weird Okay, let me let me let me pose this to you guys You travel back in time in your minds to when you were in like middle school high school elementary school Yeah, if you knew you could pay a dollar And if you paid you would receive no ridicule for farting what I was saying track like this is what I'm saying I think it's worth it if it's like I don't have to lie about this. Yeah, I don't have to fucking be ashamed

One time a kid pretended that I farted in class and it was it was um But this kid pretended that I farted in class and he was a friend of mine But he pretended that I farted in class after I think he farted and I got so mad at him That I picked up a pencil and jammed it into his thigh Jesus and I got uh had a little bit of trouble with the higher-ups But like that whole thing could have been avoided with the proper exchange of if I could have been like, yeah, I guess so Pay the man. Yeah pay the man his fart money

Like fart bounties Could be could really help to eliminate the embarrassment You know how you can just do it because it's human because I think you should have to pay a price There should be a price you're emitting. This would be a great way to teach kids about the carbon tax though Yeah, like yes, I understand you have to admit these gases you are going to pay For what you've emitted into our lungs. I just think that there's a whole sliding scale You could set up to pay off like what is your you know, your penance to pay off embarrassment tax in school Where it's just like, oh like I I

Whatever fill in the black farted in class or like I accidentally called the teacher mommy You know what I mean? Yeah, two dollars and now that would that would be that would actually be a great equal iser for the for this fungible strata that we discussed earlier Because like if there's a kid in your class who's like really rich Then you could just assume that they need all that money to pay off like the the farts that they do And so like a rich kid it's rich kid is no longer like in charge of the school, right? Yeah, the rich kid is now this like, oh you you must need all that you must need all of your parents money because of

You're a fart. Yeah, this has been uh, this got this got weird. Can we do another question? Man, I'm still trying to get myself together. I really for a 35 year old like I do think farts are very funny Oh, yeah, like yeah, I've been doing this show for a while. You think I'd be a nerd too of a man. Oh, man A good friend of mine has a deathly fear of alligators She is petrified by the very thought of them. She even sees a picture of one. She freaks out now This might be a legitimate fear except for one tiny detail. She lives in colorado All right, that's gator country There was a night when she heard a noise on her second story balcony

It was too petrified to move because she was convinced that a gator Had climbed it to her balcony. It was flipping around out there and trying to get in Jesus. How can I Get her over this ridiculous phobia. That's from captain hooks best friend. Yeah, the Rockies And they call me I'm the world's greatest cat burglar and they call me the gator because of my ability to scale walls And flip around until I open a door. I feel like they're terrifying Yeah, I'm not good on the second story of my house If I look out the window and see a gator like flapping his stupid tail against the window I'm gonna let that bad boy in because he earned it. Come get what you need. What's his story?

What's wrong? Sorry to tell you come take what you need stud. You've earned it getting all the way up here You scrappy little lizard. Come on. Come on bud. Come on in. Come on in. Come get what you need I was totally like immune to both the like terror projection ability of alligators and also the you know seductive potential of alligators

I was just sort of I just sort of they were a non threat in my mind Until I learned that those motherfuckers can run at like 40 miles an hour and that's crazy They can run so they can run as fast as like a moped and that's crazy And then that's when I kind of got it because you see if you've seen the gator. That's too late Okay, I've never seen that happen ever and that sounds like some bullshit that alligators started Like oh, no don't even fuck with us. We can run real real fast. Yo lab coat get over here Guess what I can run 40 miles an hour put that in a book Write it down. Write it down. If it's in the book, I don't have to do it. Also, I'm bullet proof

It says here and it says here in this reptile book That alligators can run 40 miles an hour And that the boy gators have just big great ding dongs and they love to they've it says here Boy gators have had sex with just like so many Lady gators like it's insane and then all the lady gators like loved it and um That boy gators have a bunch of money. This is crazy. This book is this is a crazy book It says this in the book that if you feed an alligator a raw steak He'll spit out a Ferrero Rocher and grant you a wish. That's crazy

That's who would have ever thought that like would be the the way that gators work in tesla It says here if gators if you're a kid and you just jump in a gator's mouth Then there's a game boy in there This is a game boy in that gator. That's crazy. There's a game boy in there And it's got pokemon in it and the cartridge has all the pokemon pre-cott and they're all level 99. That's crazy There's an inside of every gator There's uh, uh, just a fucking binder and it has all of the pokemon cards in it all the way up to gen 6 That's fucking nuts. Anyway, get in there. It also says it's risk-free get in there kids get in there young griffin get in there

And that's how griffin died and that's how griffin died I think the problem here is that your friend is afraid of the idea of alligators Which is horrifying and you need to do a little like immersion therapy You need to like take her to a gator farm. I'm not saying like throw her in a pit with some gators No, I'm saying like you need to like take her to like one of those like gator shows where a burly person Has sex with an alligator. No Oh, sorry. No Where they like wrestle the alligator and you say like

See that person just like totally dominated that alligator. You don't have to be afraid anymore It's like when I saw you to do that when I was at least you six and I saw resident evil being played by you guys And I was afraid of zombies for like two years until I watched A man have sex with a zombie, I guess And then it was like, all right, we can we can beat this thing together Um, I think dressing up like a gator is good like and just refusing to until she gets over it Because then it's like, oh my it gets confusing like oh my I'm afraid of alligators, but my best friend's an alligator I don't really maybe I'm not as afraid of them as I thought I was. Hmm. Maybe a baby gator. They're really cute

They're not oh my yeah Get him an egg with a gator in it and have him raise it from birth. Yeah, say there's a bird in there. I bet You follow him up with this egg There's a bird in there. I think and then when it hatches you're like, listen, I understand Trust me. This is the scariest part of what's happening the reveal like wait for the prestige tomorrow's gonna be good Tomorrow's gonna be good today's gonna be bad the hatching day. It will be bad The hatching will be bad Um, I swear to god susan. I thought there was a bird in there. I thought I was just giving you

This egg guy told me it was a bird egg. I don't know what to tell you but we have to keep it legally A special alligator killing eagle is what he said to me. Maybe it turns into that. Maybe it will evolve into a bird I'm out 17 dollars How do you think I feel that was solid fart money I could have spent 17 farts down the drain Or back up the drain. I guess uh, let's uh speaking of fart money. Let's get the money I Want to tell you about trunk club

Yes, and you can't stop me. So everybody today Across the board. Uh, no matter what age whether you're nine months old or 99 months old You don't know how to dress yourself. Yeah, really old. You don't know how to dress yourself Like you're a mess. Look at yourself When good news there's trunk club and trunk club has lots of people who can tell you how to dress yourself And help you find really really cool clothes that like will fill I found a pair of jeans the trunk club that was like the jeans I've dreamed about my entire life

And I didn't know that jeans like this existed until trunk club helped me find them You found your dream jeans my dream jeans They're they've got personal stylists that will talk to you walk you through stuff and work together with you to find the Looks that you're looking for And how it works is they send you the stuff And then you keep what you like and you send back what you don't and you pay for what you keep So you don't end up with a bunch of shit that you don't like and you're stuck with it And you've already paid for it

You actually get to like try it on show it to your friends and family and like say like what do you think? Okay, great, and then you keep it. So if you want to check it out you can go to trunkclub.com slash my brother um and and check it out and and Maybe work with a stylist You know check out some shit see I I'm telling you I got an outfit from trunk club that is my new like I'm going out to a concert It's your new dug funny your new dug funny uniform. It's my new dug funny. It's my it's my on and off court buddies

um I want to tell you guys about dunk club now. This is a new club. I've started Uh-huh and basically what it is is you pay me directly No, middle. That's the best part of this service. No middleman. Just me and you pay me directly. I'll come to your house every day Every single day whether you want me to or not And I'll just show you one of my dunks and it's not really an educational thing Like I'm not there teaching you new and exciting and explosive dunks Um, it's just like you just get to watch me do one

And it's just one one dunk a day Please please don't ask me to repeat the dunk because I absolutely won't do it And you're just gonna make it uncomfortable and you know, I'm gonna be there tomorrow So like it's important that we maintain like a sort of balance in our in our professional relationship But yeah, I just come to your house and do one dunk every day Oh, I don't really only know how to do the one dunk and it's just I have two hands over my head And I jump as high as I can and let's see what happens over and over and over. Yeah every day Can I tell you about check out trunk club comm slash my brother?

I want to tell you guys about blue apron Now this isn't now it's has the same name as the other blue apron, but this is another club I've started where I'll come to your house every day and do a dunk In an apron in a blue apron. Yeah, it's kind of like a it's kind of like a comedy thing Uh, no blue apron is uh, you know dinner is served as you slam the dunk Right as I slam the dunk right into the dunk hole Um, no blue apron is amazing. Uh, all of us. I'm pretty sure use it. We all use it, right? I use it Okay. Yeah, it's fan. It's fucking incredible

ate it yesterday gonna eat it today They send you ingredients that you need to cook incredible meals With the highest quality standards for their community of artisanal suppliers family run farms fisheries and ranchers We talk a lot about how like you get the recipes and then you make the good meals Uh stuff like japanese ramen noodles and I had a salmon salad yesterday. That was like really really good Uh, the meals available and may include stuff like crispy cod and cabbage slaw tacos With papita pineapple and avocado salsa I know I got some general sauce chicken upstairs. General sauce chicken. Yeah, man. Yeah, I'm excited about that one

Middle eastern chicken and chickpea stew with pita croutons. That sounds good Got some pita or some pan seared pork chops with two cheese mashed potatoes and sauteed spinach Wait, like the meals are very very good But like what's also really cool is that the meals usually share like a common ingredient that's like Farm to table and like really fresh in season and really really good. So anyway, um, you can check out this this week's Menu and get uh, your first two meals free with free shipping by going to blue apron.com slash my brother It's blue apron.com slash my brother blue apron a better way to cook. Seriously. We all use it. It's changed my life I love it a lot. I check it out. I did not cook before we started doing it and now I cook a few times a week and it's amazing

Uh, I've got uh a jumbotron message To ashley from her husband ben. It says happy fifth anniversary. I can't think of a better way to say I love you than for the brothers to say it for me. Can we all say it? Can we all just say it in unison right now? Okay one two three? I love you. I love you However, don't worry by the time this airs. I'll hopefully have thought of something else as well probably Anyway, here's to another five years together. You better not because we just said it. So if you say it now It's gonna be weird. It's a big copycat. What if you say something better? What if you're the one who finally discovers

something better to say than I love you Like discovers like the next strata. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, like what's beyond that Like what's the what's the umami of umami the fifth love flavor What is the fifth love flavor? You're joining us here at kitchen stadium. Um, the chef has just used the fifth love flavor I have another message I want to do real quick. It's from mark patrocious Now people say how do you remember these names and this one I have a mnemonic device for it's Super califragilistic. Hey, it's mark patrocious. That's how I help always remember it and this message is from drew

And it says hey chuckle fuck I figured out what better way to spend the money that you bet me thinking the star wars seven would be worse than episode one Then uh to have your three favorite brothers. Let you know how dumb you are Here you go your harder money being used to tell you how bad you fucked up enjoy Yeah, that was a bad bet and of an expensive bet. Who does that? I bet you 150 dollars that this star wars movie is gonna suck. What? What that's also a bad bet. It looked amazing in the previous. Yeah, the trailer's like really yeah You nobody knows when patrocious did this

Like nobody knows when he made this bet. Yeah, like if they maybe he just the records have been lost to time Did you maybe it was early like when somebody's like, hey, did you hear the alias guy is making his own star wars movie? By himself and he's playing all the parts. Yeah Like that would have been an opportunity maybe at that point There's no lightsabers in this one. Isn't that weird or space? Apparently it's all happening under the sea. It's an underwater gungan fuckfest Um got one more message here. Um this one is for ryan and it's from thomas Who says hey ryan even though you're an upper manager now and have all these super important responsibilities

I hope you have a few minutes to hear the macroi brothers deliver a message from a lowly peon I'm so proud to have you as my brother the work you do at patch gaming helps people struggling with anxiety and depression Is incredibly important and you're such a great lead events coordinator However, I would appreciate it if you'd stop being so damn good at kerbal space program You make the rest of us look bad I know we both have a lot on our plates, but i'm glad we found the macroi family of shows together Even if my white whale is getting you to listen to the adventure zone. You sure it's a pretty good show Thank you

Thanks for being there when I need to talk a great co-op buddy and my partner in geekery. I love you thomas That's very sweet. That's sweet. I don't like him at earnest So I like like don't you want to make fun of him for something? Um, there's gonna be something maybe two nice You're too good at putting together spaceships that you're too good at leading events You coordinator you cool coordinator. I just looked at the first three words I saw the page That was not a good insult

You stinking cool coordinator Tai is a pedantic person I think when he pronounces these words, it's it's in a very show-offy way Gyro hero sacre bleu sacre bleu payers rock What you are witnessing is real The participants are not actors. They are actual litigants with real cases They call in via skype to judge john hodgeman's court the real people's court Now I call you to judge john hodgeman's internet court find it at maximumfund.org

Or wherever you download podcasts How about a yahoo how about a just like a yahoo? Hey, how about a cool fresh yahoo a seasonal farm to market yahoo? um This one was sent in by level 9000 yahoo drew drew that important thank you drew it's by yahoo answers user abby who asks Out of cheese The local mexican food place was out of cheese and I want to write a letter of complaint instead of being rude Any ideas of some gentle yet firm things I can say A couple things um

If I worked at this mexican restaurant and we ran out of cheese one day like I know we fucked up There's gonna be three things. I know I said a couple. That's the first thing The second thing is if somebody walks up to me and says, hey, you fucked up idiot. There's no cheese dummy. I'm supposed to enjoy my meals Uh, I would be upset at that person But I would be way more upset if I received a letter in the mail telling me that I fucked up with the cheese problem To whom it may concern to whom it make it because the the insult some of you Some of you rolls up and gets right up in your grill and says where's fucking cheese, please Then I would be like, uh, I hate this interaction

But it'll be over soon if I receive some sort of physical tangible artifact in the mail Informing me of a cheese problem that somebody had I would be sadder that that person exists Then I would be at the person who comes and yells I just picture Griffin in that circus hands sitting down at his desk And he's both looking at the letter and also the cheese order for me forgot to send And he's just looking back and forth between the two of them and sobbing unconsolably just sobbing Ah, I'm really fucked up. I fucked up the whole cheese situation the whole cheese thing I did cheese bad from start to finish

Um, the third thing is just fuck you man. Come on. You don't think they come on They know they weren't expecting such a run-on cheese, you know They thought they had enough cheese for the lunch rush And then they had like eight people all come in at the same time and just ask for a big bowl of cheese They weren't expecting it. It wasn't their fault You know, sometimes you just run out of cheese. That's what being an adult is That's what being an adult is accepting that there's not always cheese when you want it And you have to make do maybe you get sour cream or you get extra avocado whatever

But you have to accept that there's not always cheese when you want it the world's not perfect Did you even stop to see if they had milk because if they have milk and time? You got cheese my dog if they got milk and salt and a hair dryer you got cheese there, dude Did you offer to go get more cheese for them? Like I'll go on a cheese run Just kick me like a 20 and I'll bring you guys back some cheese because we're all in this fucking thing together This big dumb world is still spinning all of us are just hanging on for dear life I'll go I'll go get you some ch double e s e my boy

And what you pay attention to is maybe they're cheese ordering guys having a really tough time Maybe like he and his wife got in a fight before he came to work and forgot to pick up cheese on the way But here's you in your little cheese centric world not even worried about his feelings Maybe it was weird cheese that looked more like butter and you just thought it was butter though Yeah, all made that mistake at fancy restaurant Maybe he had cheese, but he thought it wasn't good enough for you and he wanted to protect you Can also ask fancy restaurants super quick Please stop bringing scoops of white to the table and expecting me to know that's a test cheese or butter

Or cream or ice. It's very small ice cream or moth balls because you made a very big mistake Yeah, or just like some sort of fun ball like a toy like a game Like it's gonna be a while before we can get our food out to you. So play with this small white ball Like a cracker wheel Yeah um I want to read this response from mary's mama who says we have many fast food places near us where we live During the lunchtime rush

It's not uncommon for soap and toilet paper run out in the breastrooms food items to be made wrong by poorly trained new employees And other mistakes of all kinds happening including ingredients not being available If this is a first time occurrence tell them let them apologize and then let it go There's a proverb once is happenstance twice as coincidence and three times maybe enemy action So adjust your attitude give them one more chance to do things right and if they screw up after that don't go there anymore Uh, is this person saying that the third time this fast food restaurant hates you? Yo, fuck you derrick. No cheese. No cheese for you. No cheese for you. Seinfeld joke Um, if this is a first time occurrence tell them and let them apologize. Hey, um, hey, you ran out of

You you should have cheese Oh, but we're sorry, but you don't have cheese. Did you know this? I But they say let them apologize. So it's like, uh, listen I wanted to say to you you ran out of cheese. No, do you have anything you would like to say to me? How do you possibly sound sincere apologizing for running out of cheese? Yeah, I don't I don't know Thank you. Thank you for your time. I will take my answer off the air And then you close your eyes and just wait

When I worked in food service at the country's best yogurt, we ran out of a yogurt flavor And if somebody had come up to me and been like you'd no longer have cinnamon swirl, I would say I know this Like why do you know like if somebody walked up to me and it was like you're really really high And you're just touching the cones with your bare hands because you forgot to put gloves on. Yeah, I know I know this I also get a kick out of like as somebody who has worked in many many retail jobs and There's a few food service jobs

I get a kick out of like people who don't realize exactly How low on the supply chain You actually are if you are like talking to somebody at a restaurant like the idea that they could have in any way predicted or circumvented the issue of the cheese is Baffling to me like they don't know how the cheese gets there. They don't know where the cheese comes from before then They know there's a place they open up and sometimes there's cheese and sometimes there aren't cheese Like that's all like that's as high up on the chain as they go

That had when I worked at Best Buy There were numerous times where a truck would come in and be like well We didn't get any wheeze which we're still sold out of but for some reason we got like 20 furbies. So that's great I'll just add that to the pile Yeah, you have no you have no idea. You're one step up from the customer Listen, if you want to come back here behind the counter and look for cheese, you're more than welcome to you because that's all I do So what you do is if someone complains you have the cheese You go come with me and then you find the next person up on the chain

And you're like, did you know we were out of cheese? And then you just keep moving of the chain until you find the cheese magnate Who's just sitting on a pile of cheese not letting it out like the beers. They're just building up You know supply and demand on their cheese and you yell at them Yeah, really hard. I'm glad we all agree that you have to yell at somebody. Yeah You can't just accept that there's no cheese Like oh for sure. No, this is well, I don't know where this question came from, but I'm in America. Yeah Cheese is my right

I ride my bike tuned from work every day. Although listen to the brother's macaroy. That's us Tell the best piece Yeah, hope. Yeah, we haven't yeah. Oh god TM TM TM. What TM TM the whole For six years TM TM on six years Uh, the time it cannot protect me from my greatest enemy. This Passes the time it cannot protect me from my greatest enemy on my way to work I ride by a small pond that is home to a perfectly particularly rude a perfectly rude family perfectly rude family of geese They recently just had babies and although I respect their life choices

The parents have become very defensive. One goose has taken a flying after me as I ride away as fast as I can I'm afraid they are going to bite my legs off and I need your help How can I learn to coexist with my feather friends? That's from wishing I could fly away home in wisconsin we have had a Let's call it tumultuous confusing relationship with geeseies in the past in the in the history of this show and I feel like we've oscillated between

they are modern-day velociraptors would love to fuck one of them guys And I'm back to the velociraptor thing and I feel like that's where we're at now And I think maybe it's 2016 2016 building bridges I feel like maybe we need to build a bridge to the goose community and let's just really roll really role play it just real quick um a goose

Based advice podcast for geese by geese. We are geese doing a geese based podcast I feel like this is going to help enlighten it and this question. Hi everybody I'm griffin macro. I'm a goose and you're a goose and you're listening to this this question comes from a goose from wisconsin and it says shitty kids come up and kick me all the time and they kick my kids for no reason because Human beings are the worst and they don't even think about like goose feelings When they just like kick the shit out of us. So like what should I do? Well, thanks for sitting in wisconsin. Thanks for this question You need to be very defensive and you need to just attack first

Because we're just these out here just trying to get along. We're just trying to survive So just like bite bite bite quiet quiet get out there fly out and attack them Yeah, because like you think about it like If you got attacked by one goose The next like every time this goose like fucked up as the same goose every time the next time you ran into a goose You wouldn't differentiate if someone's like i'm gonna go pet that motherfucker. You'd be like don't don't do that actually Geese are mean. Yeah bite your legs off. Let me bite your legs off. Here's what you need. You need to build a bridge here I think griffin's absolutely right. Yeah build a bridge over their nest. So that way you don't have to over trouble water

I think that okay if this were a movie, right? And this was like there's a damaged animal, you know Kg defensive animal and you're gonna do like a little horse whisper thing do a little goose whispering You're gonna like without without a sexual agenda appendage to it No, because they'll know like when you get close maybe like Park your bike and like you're just gonna sit but within Like visual range of the goose but not close enough that they feel threatened and then the next day You're gonna do it a little closer

And then the next day now this might take years. Yeah, but eventually You'll be right next to him and you'll be like jane goodall all up in that shit You'll be you'll be jane goose all you'll be right there. Are you gonna try and feed these? Are you gonna try and feed these sweet feather be? No, you're gonna join They're I see no bribery then Unless unless what you are proposing right there is teaching them to Trust humans what you don't want to do don't I cannot stress this enough. You don't want to let me amend it then Let me let me propose an alternate. Okay. I was every day you roll up to the geese

And you toss them a bow staff and you're like how about thee and every day you fight the geese And that teaches them to one be defensive of humans, but it also teaches them our weaknesses So i'm saying every day you attack the geese full blast for like 30 seconds Do you think there'll be come a time where they respect you as well like at first you're gonna kick their asses But like if you do it enough days they live You're gonna There's a caveat in there that much like Eurovision at the beginning of the podcast you kind of tried to gloss right over It well, it's I mean it's not the most important thing the most important thing is that they're gonna start to learn your weaknesses

They're gonna start to learn your attack patterns. Wait, hold on. Do you pull your heads Justin? Absolutely not. I can't stress this enough You gotta go full blast at this goose give them everything you got because that's what uh, that's what the shitty kids are gonna be doing Right, but if they can learn to defend themselves from you like they're gonna be ready when those shitty kids come They're gonna like they're gonna be flipping over them. They're gonna be doing like some sort of feather blasts I love this because I was going to amend it to say like just like a panda documentary I watched what you have to do is dress like a goose and smear like goose poop and pee all over yourself So that you see you smell like one of them

But what you're proposing is what I would say is the polar opposite of that Where instead you're engaging them in the field of combat Right Travis, you're approaching it from a an upsettingly humanist perspective And I feel like this this question askers also engaging this topic with the same perspective of just like There's an animal that doesn't inherently like me. Yeah, like that's fine I think that's fine as some animals are like that because we're definitely like that to like anything that we can eat Um, but yeah, like just you're only not like that to them because you don't want to eat them today. Right like um

What Justin's suggesting is that we enforce the habits that they already have And because I think that's a healthy habit for some animals to have like I'm okay that geese are little feathered Hate boats Essentially flying hate boats like I'm okay with that because like that's fine. There should be some animals like that I'm comfortable with that and like kids are gonna come shoot bottle rockets at you So Justin's gonna do it first to train you how to dodge the bottle toughen you up

um So I hope that helps The geese help play this for the geese. Can we get this information out to the geese somehow? Can we get this to geese? That's mutually beneficial because that's a whole new demographic for us That is an untapped market as far as I know Would you guys how hard would you guys if you guys were in itunes and you saw a podcast? It's like Four geese only yeah out of fight humans like I would so listen to that But you're not allowed to Justin. I'll be breaking. Well, it'll be all quacks and shit

Well, no, you would learn like how to you would learn how to Better kick a goose's ass and that's not what we want to put out there for humans. We're already super duper good at it There's gonna be a war one day Yeah, between geese and humans and I don't I want it to be I want us I want us to win I'm not a fucking species trader, but I do want them to be able to put up a fair fight Yeah, you don't want to feel bad about winning I would love for it to end in like a stalemate lots of losses on both sides where both both of us like pull through But there's like a begrudging respect is earned

And then there's one christmas day where us and the geese all play soccer together And then yeah, I would love to play soccer with a geese I would do that in a heartbeat. Uh, that's gonna do it for us folks. Thank you so much for listening to our show We hope you had a lot of fun and a lot of laughs and frivolity. Um, we we certainly enjoyed ourselves Uh, thank you to everybody who bought tickets to see us in new york and dc Those tickets sold out a day of I think there may be a few single tickets for dc But they could send out a super low ticket warning so it's possible that by the time this goes up

They are gone We learned last time we came in new york and did a theater that was like 100 seats and it sold up like In 45 seconds and we knew we fucked up instantly like we knew that it was gonna sell really well there But you guys like blew us the fuck away like thank you so much I hope we put on a show that is good enough to Like warrant the the insane enthusiasm you guys. So yeah, it looks like dc As we're recording this you could still get some singles to to dc I don't know if you could get pairs to yeah, well, it looks like you could get pairs together. Yeah, go go quick

Those are not sold out. Um, new york is is sold out. I'm pretty sure but um, there's always a chance that you know There's resale tickets in new york or that there's maybe a waiting list But i'm gonna tell you the same thing that we say every time Which is there's always a chance that you show up day of and you're able to get in last minute because people don't show up But there is absolutely no guarantee of that and we would hate to encourage people to do that And then they're not able to get in we know like if you don't if you don't live in Manhattan like you can be tough to get down there So like we really don't want you to spend an hour on a train like coming to our show and then not be able to get in

um, so But in case you're wondering that usually is a thing that you're able to do but no guarantees Okay Um, we want to encourage everybody to go check out all the other amazing maximum fun shows at maximumfun.org Uh, a lot of them are macro related But even the ones who aren't are really really great. Um, we just added a new one called I believe it's called the greatest generation for people who have maybe just started watching star trek or love star trek and feel that They're a little too old for it, which is silly. It's for everybody. It's really great

So listen to the podcast and feel included and feel involved and maybe learn a little bit about star trek We also want to if you want to learn all about every macroi project that is out there in the world You can go to macroi shows.com All our shows are on there And also our twitter accounts facebook groups And contact information. So if you're looking to sending questions or mail something to us, it's all right there Um, also want to mention that uh, john hajman is doing a bunch of live shows for judge john hajman It's another amazing max fun podcast that you should definitely be listening to but they're coming to

He's coming to dc and philadelphia and brooklyn and uh, turner falls You can find out how to get tickets for those at maximumfund.org too. Um, you should definitely go see that show It's gonna be very very funny. Also. I want to say, uh, we know that it took us a long time to schedule a live show for 2016 Like we didn't have one in the first half of the year. We're going to try to do more Um as we move forward. So We'll try to knock some more out in 2016 and maybe do some more in 2017 It's just a little bit hard to get them together But we know that it's kind of a bummer that it took us so long to get to one and we'll do more this year. We promise

Um, and if you want to keep track of that make sure to follow us on twitter at mbmbam and keep listening to the show I want to thank john rodrick in the long winters for the use of our theme song instead of part show Off the album putting the days to bed. It's a very very good album And uh, we are lucky that we are able to use it as our theme song. Thank you Thank you. Um, okay. That's gonna do it for us. Yeah, wrap. Let's wrap this bad boy up this final wrap up Sent him by steven horcheck. Thank you, steven. It's by yahoo answers user donna who asks What is the national soup for usa My name is just the mackerel. I'm travis mackroy. I'm griffin mackroy. It's been my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips

You Maximum fun or comedy and culture artist owned listener supported Hi, i'm sydney mackroy and i'm riley smurl and we co-host a podcast called still buffering a sister's guide to teams through the 80s On our show we tackle all of the hot teen topics that kids have on their minds today Hot teen topics Well, you know that the questions that are that are plaguing teenagers through their tumultuous growing years questions like How do I party or what do I do with all this hair everywhere?

The same questions that people like sydney had during their years as teenagers many many many Okay, not that many so so long ago. Yeah, okay. I think they get the idea So search for still buffering on itunes or maximumfun.org for new episodes every tuesday still buffering I am a teenager and I was too