My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 308: Burgertrees

Episode Date: June 20, 2016

We're back after our post-live show recording hiatus, which explains why we spend the first, oh, six minutes of this podcast just saying the word "Daddies" over and over again. Celebrate some dads with us! All those good daddies. Suggested talking points: Daddy Chat, Getting Sketched, TommyChong.com, Two Rolls a Day, The Dick, Doctor Munch, Baby Geniuses

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, welcome to my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your manliest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. And who are some good dads that you know? Let's hear it for the daddies. Let's give the daddies hands.

This is our special show. Give them hands? Give the daddies hands for their special day. This is a daddy episode all about daddies. We're taking your daddy questions live on the air. Are you a daddy? Do you know a daddy? Is there a special daddy in your life? I'm on a website right now called Daddy Chat, and I'm just sort of like looking, a lot of messages coming in through Daddy Chat right now, and a lot of them I would say are of a surprisingly explicit nature. Well, Justin, let them know that you're looking for a special daddy who will take care of you and see what they say. Our dad is of course here. We have not provided him with a microphone, but I can tell you he's on my end and just laughing along and just really

savoring every second of it. Hi, daddy. Quick question. I feel like there's a cypher I'm missing, some sort of codex. You know in National Treasure Book of Secrets, they find the magic magnifying glass and that lets them read. That's our dad's favorite movie. Yeah, it lets them read the other Declaration of Independence on the back of the other one, and it says that this one's just kidding about the gun stuff. Because it mentions a lot of that in the Declaration of Independence. A lot of this is getting away from me, but you know what I'm talking about? Like a cypher, like a codex. I feel like I'm missing one of those to really enjoy the daddy chat experience because they keep mentioning something called Cummies? Cummies?

Or Cummies? Do they mean gummies? Is it an autocorrect thing? If it's an autocorrect thing, then it's autocorrecting everyone. Weird. That's weird. Weird. That's so weird. Maybe they're a big fan. Oh, is this like, was there a gummy bear named Daddy Bear? Maybe that's it. Maybe this is like a, it's about the gummy bears. Maybe they're trying to say curries and it's like autocorrecting like way off. Maybe that's it. We're talking about some of our best dads. Who's your favorite dad? I gotta get the fuck off daddy chat. Yeah, I think it's broken bad. I think it might be a sex thing about pork and dads. I'm not into that. Here are some, Trav? Yeah. I'm going to name a word and you tell me the best one of those words,

like the five best of that word that you can think of. This is the easiest game I've ever played. Top blank dad. Oh, I got you. Okay. The first word that I want you to rank the top five of is dads. Okay. The daddiest dads. Is that what I'm doing? Top five dads. Top five dads. We'll go five to first order. Okay. Fifth, that would be Henry Jones Sr. Correct. Griffin. Number four. Oh, I was going to do all of them. That's all right. Number four, Joseph Gordon. Love it. Congratulations, JGL on your baby and your, your promising movie career on both sides of the camera lens. Number three is Austin Powers Sr. Correct. That's good too. Okay. Griffin. Number two dad of all time. Number two dad is of course, French Stewart also from third rock from the sun.

Congratulations, French Stewart. You're doing a great job and we're all thinking about you today. On this, you're on a special day. Travis McElroy, what is the, who is the number one dad of all time? Oh, number one dad. Number one dad. I'm going to say James Bond Sr. Well, I'm going to say our dad. Have fun at Christmas dipshit. Our dad is James Bond Sr. and you can't prove otherwise. You're not going to get any presents this year, Travis. You know that's what dad bases the present distribution off of. Santa delivers presents, stupid. Santa is an amazing daddy. He is. Like he raised French claws and look how he turned out. This is our vice show. I don't know why I started saying it like that, like a, like a poorly conceived SNL character,

but this is our vice show where we take your questions and turn them out with me like in wisdom. We had a great, I want to say, because we haven't recorded a new episode since, you might be able to tell from a little bit of the rest, a little bit of the rest, the grime. A lot of Paul Rust on this machine. We're going to get back at the swing of things, but I did want to say a huge thank you to everybody who came out to our New York DC shows. They were just a hoot and a half, really. We had a blast. And thanks to the people who, like thanks to Hodgman for coming out and performing in our New York show and still buffering and, and Saul Bones and everybody. So the Shmanners, everybody who helped make

those shows so much fun. Of course you, who came out, we really appreciate you. Yeah. And as long as we're touching on stuff that we didn't get to talk about, I snuck up to Max Funkon West, which is as always super fun. And the Macros are going to be at Max Funkon East. And there's still a couple of tickets available for that. We would like to see you there in September in what may be a haunted, shining as Kotel in the Poconos. In September, we would like to see you there. If you haven't been to Max Funkon before, it's amazing. It's really, really amazing. It's going to be a hoot. And like literally all of our, like a brood of a large chunk of our families will be there. Go to maxfunkon.com right now. And you can come see that.

I have a question for you all. And it comes from one of our listeners. The question goes a little something like this, brother. Whoa. It goes, it goes like this question. I'm a Waluigi. I'm on the wean. This question is written in a special pervert font. This is all dildos. It's comic sins. Okay. First question, brothers, I just sat down to do some work at Starbucks. The guy at the next table is clearly sketching me in a snow book. I really need to get some work done, but it's very distracting. What do I do? I tried giving him a direct stare down, but no luck. He was probably jized about that. Like, oh, thank goodness. This is much better.

And if I do stay here, do I look at the finished product over his shoulder as I leave? And that's from begrudging model in Boston. Holy shit. First off, I wish you'd save this for our live show in Boston next month. Yeah, Dan is sort of in a club banger. Here's the thing, the one situation in which this would be acceptable is if you are in Paris. And it's like, oh, how wonderful. It's like that scene in before sunset where the guy's like, hello, I made the poem for you milkshake. And it's like, dude, you fucking cool it, please. I'm just like, I'm just like walking around all night. I'm super tired. Can you not poem me right now, bro? There was a dude who walked up to me on the streets of Cincinnati and said, for a dollar,

I'll do a rap on you. And I gave him that dollar. Yeah, it was not a good rap. It was it was okay. But I don't feel like you really touched on the cornerstones of what makes me me. Yeah, sure. You get what you pay for. Yeah, it was a dollar, bud. I mean, that's true. Say, you should ask if he had a $5 plan available with better raps. Is there like a VIP rap that I can pay for where you really you follow me around for a year and really construct an in-depth narrative of my life? How much does it cost for the good rhymes? Give me your dank rhymes. Good, sir. A few ways to combat this, I'm just like thinking of off the top of my head, trying to very bright light in their eyes so they can't draw. If you don't want to be aggressive

about it, you could just move your body around a whole lot. Yeah, really get a beat on your angles. Just keep turning your head, move your fingers around, because that's the trickiest part is everyone knows his fingers. Now, while you're doing some work at Starbucks, is it possible that you are nude and covering your frame with various fig leaves? Because if that's the case, then I think... What are you a bowl of fruit? Are you a bowl of fruit? It's a good question, Travis. What the question asker didn't mention is that the work that they were doing in Starbucks was modeling. They were smizing and they were stretching out like langoriously, like practicing their form. That's a good fucking point, Justin. If they were a model, that shit isn't free. You can just like

walk up to tie-tie and just like snap pics, because you actually... Guess what? You need to pay tens of thousands of dollars in order to do that. Do you know what I mean? You can't just snap or draw a model. They work fucking hard. Here's what you do. While you're working on your screenplay and this dude's drawing you, you start writing a scene in which a guy is drawing you and the scene is about what a jerk he is and then you just slowly turn the screen to him and point at it so he can read it. And if he gets offended by it, like, oh, you were drawing me and I was writing you. How's it feel? How's it feel, Picasso? How do you walk out? My job is that they're a comics writer and like you work the whole time on a word bubble to put over their picture and then you go over, like try to

vary confidently with the word bubble you cut out and just like put a word bubble coming in your mouth. It's like, what, me worry? Coming this July from the McRoy Brothers. Rent two. It's really shitty this time. It's like super duper shitty. Can we have a partnership on our hands? You know what I was just thinking about is that this scenario that is being described from this perspective is obviously like so baffling and insane, right? It's bad. But I bet, but if you look at the inverse of it, you could definitely see the artist here. You can see like their instructor being like, it doesn't matter what you're drawing. You just need to get out there and draw. If you're at the cafe, you know, if you're at Starbucks, just whip out your notepad and draw the people

around you. Like it's about drawing life. Like they don't really think about the repercussions of like the Ashley doing that. I agree with you, Justin. I agree with you right up until the point that they give them a full stare down. And it's just like, hmm, I see you. And at that point, the artist continues to do it. But the artist already started on it. And what is what do you want him to do? Put like a droopy dog face on it? Like, no, it wasn't you. Well, it's her hair, but his face, because she stared at me halfway through. Yeah. Do you guys want a yahoo? I would love that. This one's sent in by level 9000. Yaja Drew at Drew Davenport. Sorry, there is a banner ad for an iced caramel macchiato at the top of this yahoo page. I'm actually going to

refresh it. Everybody knows it's from Drew Davenport, right? Okay, I can refresh it. Try and get rid of that ad because it was making my mouth just like, it was just, I think I was having comies. I don't know what that means yet, but I You probably shouldn't announce that you're having it until you figure out what it is. Okay, it's fair. Yahoo answers user Ivan asked this one who says, How was Snoop Dogg able to smoke for so long without getting arrested? This is an excellent question if you really ponder it. Because during E3, the video games, America's premier video games showcase, which Justin and I covered last week,

there was a Battlefield 1 event where all the big names and big celebrities came out to play Battlefield 1 against each other. And Zac Efron and Jamie Foxx were there and Snoop Dogg was there. And they were talking about how they were going to smoke so much weed while they played Battlefield. And then there was a camera on Snoop Dogg while I smoked weed playing Battlefield. And that's not legal, right? And yet I feel like there's lots of situations where Snoop Dogg's just like, I'm going to have this weed now. And everyone's like, that's okay for you to do. No, okay, but wait, it was in California, right? That's fair, that's fair. Okay, but extrapolate then fucking Willie Nelson

rolls up to Austin. And he's like, as long as he's touching the statue of himself on Second Street in Austin, Texas, he can light up the biggest split ever. And people are just like, it's him. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you don't, you are the one missing it because he's the weed man. He's the weed man. So he's allowed to fucking Fiona Apple comes and she's going to play a show for me and my wife in Austin. But on the way, she gets pulled over in town in Texas, has a little bit of weed on her, gets arrested, cancels the show. Well, that's Fiona Apple. If she had a big old box of apples, that would be okay. The thing is, is you're missing out that both Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson are so good at weed

at this point. They smoke it so good and so fast, the human eye can no longer comprehend that they are smoking weed. So like the authorities have been trying to catch Snoop Dogg forever. And they're like, he said he get like, this is like, like old style gangster, like 1920s level, like he told them when he was going to do it, where he was going to do it, how he was going to do it. And this is like, now you see me three, you had everybody was looking at Snoop Dogg, they know he smoked the weed, but when Griffin, but when the camera, there's foot, you don't see your moving pictures, there's a moving digital audio frame by frame. You never actually see the weed touch his mouth. And yet he did it, Griffin, how through his fingers,

through his, what, did he put it in his ear? I don't even know. The thing about it is, if you do anything hard enough, eventually they're just going to let you. Yeah. Like my best example of this is Don Rickles. Don Rickles has been doing racist jokes for so long, for quite a long time. That he is the only person literally in the country that could just like drop it, like any, like whatever. Yeah. Like stuff that I can't even pretend to do as a joke here in like a pastiche of Mr. Rickles, the distinctive comedy, like, because I would be literally crucified on a cross to death. Yes. Everybody looks at Don, he's like, that's how Don did. That's just, but that's just Don. He just did it so hard, nobody can stop him.

What happened with Mr. Chong? He did get arrested for weed, right? So like, when did he fall out? Like, is there only room for these three people at the top? At the top of the ladder? Or it's just like, it's like the Purge 24-7 for them? Griffin, I'll pay you this picture. And then you Chong got bumped down off of it. I think you mean the Purge 4-20. This is how it went. There was a rookie cop, first day on the job, first day on the beat, and like, when they're having their morning cop meeting, their morning staff meeting, first day cop goes, hey, shouldn't we arrest Tommy Chong? And everyone went, well, we can't. We can't do that. And he said, why not? And everybody else went, uh, well, huh.

What? Hey, everybody? Why haven't we arrested Tommy Chong? He got arrested. He was selling a lot of paraphernalia, a lot. And he went to jail for nine months. And that's fucking ridiculous. But according to Google, he lost, he forfeited about $120,000 in assets, paid a fine of $20,000. That's a combined loss of $140K. But he also had to give up his internet domain name of TommyChong.com. Wait, why? What? Yeah, I didn't know that was, I didn't know that was a thing that America could take away from you like, so sorry, but it's gone now. You can't have TravisMackerelite.com anymore. You can't have it. Wait, why? You sold too many bonks, Mr. Chong. And so, oh, that rhymes. That's fun. Have you ever

thought about that, Mr. Chong? Anyway, nine months, give me your URL, yoink. Back to go, back to go daddy, you go. Like throwing the fish back in the ocean. Wait, wait, hold on. Is TommyChong.com available for purchase? Well, now it redirects to his Facebook page. Oh, wow. Hold on. I'm going to buy it. Anyway, Snoop Dogg is, I'm not going to play. The first on his page is a link to his new product line, which is, of course, you guessed it, Chong's Choice Vaporizers. If you're going to vape, vape with Chong. I believe I will. Thank you. Listen, I'm not, no Tino, Shay, no Pink Lemonade. Legalize it. Go fucking, yes, please, please, please. I'm just

saying, like, I was at the event. I was at that Battlefield event. I smelled the dooper. I smelled the dooper. I got smelled the dooper. I was like, huh, that's weird. And then I found out the source of the dooper. I was like, that makes very much sense. And but you can just do it if you're one of these three people. I hope that they're able to put a stop to this minute. Let's do a new question. By the way, someone sent a scoreboard from that celebrity match and who was at the top. You guessed it, Mr. Snoop Dogg. Maybe you can only arrest him if his KD starts jumping. Because like you can't legal. There's a while a conviction wouldn't hold up because look how fucking bad he's nose scoping everybody constantly. How, how does that go from a dude? Because that

dude was fucking blazed out of his gourd. He's still playing. He did pretty good, too, from what I heard. That dude was Zamboni. We are, we're going to ask another question right now. I live in a small apartment in Brooklyn, New York with two roommates, one of whom uses an excessive amount of toilet paper. Okay, just getting a text message here from my father. Can't, can't mute it because it's father's day. And if he needs me, I thought he was in the room fiction. Your dad too. So it cancels out. That's true. Good point. I live in a small apartment in Brooklyn, New York with two roommates, one of whom uses an excessive amount of toilet paper. I'm not exaggerating when I say that she alone goes through at

least two rolls alone in one day. No, you are exaggerating when you say that because that's, if that's true, then this person would be dead just from like all the fluid in their body being absorbed out of them by toilet paper. She might be, she might be cone heads eating it. I, it's not just that I'm curious about what she does with the toilet paper. I'm sick of writing 10 stops on the subway every week with 24 rolls of TP because she never buys her own. It's gotten the point where I'm hiding my own secret TP so as not to be caught with my pants down, so to speak. How can I get her to use a reasonable amount of TP as from feeling shitty in the big city? I'm a little bit disappointed that you have already gotten to buy your own secret toilet paper because

that was going to be my opening salvo. Absolutely. It was going to be my opening salvo. Now I'm at get a little toilet paper sized toolbox for yourself. You can probably fit three or four rolls in there and then put like a combination lock on it and then write like Gerald's dookie box on the top. See that's too perfect. A TP fee like this is going to find that instantly and they're going to bring their unlock pics or they're going to crack it. I say you have to hide it in plain sight. Can you make curtains out of toilet paper in the bathroom so like when you need a fix it's like right there and she's like, where did she get these wonderful toys and by which I mean toilet paper and you'll, you'll know your secret stash. It's right there in plain view. Two rolls in one

day. Yeah. I mean I'm still very much with you there Travis at the first like it's hard for me to mount that first sentence. This is like American Ninja Warrior only it starts off with the 12 and a half foot wall and I just didn't have a really hard time scaling it so I can take on the other challenges on the course. That person alone is going through an entire package of toilet paper in like two weeks. What the fuck? I'm worried. This is um one of the problems with our nation's hang-ups about not discussing this kind of thing in public because maybe this person's just using a giganto wad because they think about this for a second. Okay. Yeah unless somebody told you like at what point in your life if you're using like a giganto wad of toilet paper every time

you beamed and or number one um if you're using like a giganto wad who would ever tell you you don't need that much. You know what I mean? Like that's not like a life coach for this kind of thing. There's probably someone out there using one square who's going to listen to this like oh fuck. I'll be, I'll listen. I could use more squares. I'll put the tiger on the table and yell at it. Fucking first time I saw this shaman commercial it was like it's so good you only need two squares. I was like is that hey I looked at everybody in the room I was like hey everyone is that the normal amount of squares because I do I'll be I don't use a giganto wad but I was using at that point maybe six or seven because I didn't want to you know I didn't want there to be

any uh breach. I like use enough that I can trick myself into not feeling like I'm using my hand to wipe myself. Right which like by the way let's sidestep this whole question and say get like a dope aspe day installed and do things in the Japanese style which would fix everything. I mean you'd still need to you would need like at least one to two squares just for a courtesy white but is this I don't I hope this isn't too blue because I said I was going to put the tiger on the table and we need to confront some stuff as a nation because this person alone is going to like take down hey do you remember sequoias they used to exist because but then Melissa just went ham with her beamers and her onesies. This is called the Melissa park it's where the sequoias used to be

and now it's just oh Melissa's deforested. This is good you you confront Melissa and you say you can keep using them as much toilet paper but every month you have to plant a new tree you like you Melissa this is like when you cut down a tree you got a plant too like Melissa needs to start doing that you need to find an area for Melissa to plant trees and then someone sees Melissa planting like six trees and she's like I don't know Chipotle right? It's a rough way. I went on a cruise I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to tell you okay. Oh man. How do you start this dialogue? I think you can start it with like I'm not mad I'm extremely worried about you. Yeah I mean I'd be mad also I can be both I'm mad and worried about both of you pretty much constantly.

I'll tell you the truth at this point Melissa is not there's a good chance Melissa is not aware of where the toilet paper is coming from like she doesn't second guess it she just uses it up and then there's more because you keep going and getting it and if you went to Melissa yeah and if you went to Melissa we're like hey straight up you're using way too much way too fast and like I have to go somebody has to go get it. Something's gotta give Melissa. Yeah you gotta stop eating this like cone heads pasta. You have to be better Melissa you have to be better. Hey how's your plumbing situation gang? How's the how's the pipes like at this house because I bet they're not great I bet it's not a not great scene yeah I have to buy toilet paper every day every waking day of my life

and also we spend seven hundred dollars on plumbing every day. And my whole neighborhood is flooded constantly. The utilities are not great here in Atlantis. I think that you should I think that you should brick over the bathroom door I think you should cast of a Montelotto your own bathroom and then when this person says I'd like to use the bathroom please you say we've never had a bathroom that would be very expensive not everybody in New York can afford a bathroom and you start going to bathroom and whatever establishment will have you it's New York there's a lot of different places with bathrooms and you're gonna have to make that sacrifice if you really want to stop buying TP it's your only option. Or you just fucking play the most high

stakes game of chicken ever and you don't buy TP anymore you tell your other mate no more buy NTP it's gonna be a lean week you say to them giving your good giving your good roommate fair warning but not telling your bad roommate anything and your bad roommate you'll be like where's toilet claws and you say what the fuck did you just say you know toilet claws he brings new TP every day so I can use a big ginormo wad to feel comfortable and you say that sometimes I just throw some away just so he'll come back hey hold on a second something's just occurred to me you live with two roommates and one of them uses an excessive amount of one of them is toilet claws what kind of your QPRO work did you have to conduct to decipher exactly which one of the

roommates was using an incongruous amount of toilet paper what what sort of like I mean the CSI stuff had to happen the only thing that makes sense is you go in to the the junk room and you unspool one of those one of those bad boys and you count each square and then you wait for the track to be sprung and then when you come back and there's no toilet paper anywhere in the house anymore after one bathroom visit from somebody that was the one who did it I put a human hair across this toilet paper also the toilet has flooded the entire city then it was that one who that did the thing that was so bad could you start using more toilet paper could you somehow fix this problem by amping up your toilet paper to like even like twice what this person

is doing I'm talking about if you're mowing through four rolls a day until they're forced to start buying their own rolls of toilet paper maybe they'll like start the conversation with you if you're looking for like an easy way to get into it say okay I'll make you a deal how about we all come back to one roll per day and that that way at least you're cutting them in half right like that's progress I would also argue that one roll a day is still excessive still quite a bit quite a bit is this what that song big yellow taxis about this yahoo was sent in by christopher lamp thank you christopher it's by yahoo answers user consumer who asks why can't we grow burger entry why can't we grow burger entry what why can't we grow burger entry one more why can't we grow burger

entry one more again why can't we grow burger entry it's it's you read it and you think well this is just goofy but then you think about like we got fucking soil in now we got fucking you know to real life to mac go like things are happening in the science space why can't we go burger why can't we go burger entry so in big top pee we there was definitely a bush that grew hot dog like cocktail friends yes is that anything is that something does that get us closer to why can't we grow burger entry the question is are we trying to grow fully constructed burgers is it okay if it's in pieces and you put it together yourself yeah yeah there's a bun tree a burger tree in this fucking

fantasy world that we've created for ourselves where burger grow in tree we still gotta do a little bit of work we still we can't get you know the yeah we still gotta cook the meat for example I'm just saying that science could probably tackle this easier if we're willing to do it in pieces rather than trying to grow fully formed constructed grilled but are the burgers growing grilled okay this is actually an excellent point Travis because it let's say we did grow burger entry okay okay all right try to think of an optimal point at which you would like a hamburger blossom to emerge right yeah if it emerged fully done and patied out it probably doesn't have the toppings you want on it it would take forever to to GMO yes the right toppings for everybody so

that would have to it would have to be designer for everybody the cost of that would be astronomical if it grew hot you would have to pluck that baby right when it was fresh or else you're gonna be eating the stale old hamburger which is anything tell you is terrible yeah if you grow them at their uncooked point then you're talking about like a child sitting underneath the shade of their uh uh uh favorite burger tree and then all the like they're just reading and then like just all me like brought me falls in their head that's not a good enough devils advocate there is grosser stuff currently growing in trees right now this minute that old meat I'm talking about old an old crab apple falls in your head and just splorches down there and ruins the book

you're reading hello you're saying that's worse in a yeah I'm not gonna go with you on this one Chris yeah no way no way that's the worst thing a big old durian fruit falls out of a tree okay ground's long how's the worst smell it's not not idea maybe the answer is we go underground and we grow like potatoes yes so that way they're kept safe by the earth and you pull them up and maybe they're already foil wrapped you plant them foil wrapped hear me out okay plant the bulbs foil wrapped so that when the burger forms under the ground it's already foil wrapped and ready for your consumption you don't need to worry about worms or nothing you guys are you guys are taking a and it's fun and we're having a really great time but you guys are taking like a harry potter

fucking labyrinth fucking fantasy approach to this well meanwhile i'm over here like googling just to make sure that the science is the science is like real on this one or it could be in my lifetime you know what i mean like i'd like maybe we could be like a little bit more respectful the what's up trap i i've got it as long as we're willing to bend our our kind of concept of burger a little bit a black bean burger it's right there it's already now vegetable base see now we're cooking with gas this is good this is good progress bread is what is what is what am what am bread even wheat hello hello put some of the right some of that dna in there we grow the tomatoes in slice form dna is in everything and it informs what the thing is right now i'm looking at a cup right

i'm looking at a cup and it's full of water obviously the water dna is just h2o like we've we already cracked that one the human dna is like so complex and they won't figure that out until they you know stim cells is like good um but i'm looking at the cup right now and the cup is just like there's what are its what are its teacags at and that's the those are the letters that make up dna because if maybe if a few of them were different it would be um speakers which is another thing that i'm just looking at right now or if there were a lot more of the dna and they written like a really specific place it would be griffin it would be me exactly so so like i'm saying we take the seed and we put some of the wheat dna we put some of the black bean dna we put some of the mayonnaise

dna that one's gonna be tricky but um and then that there it is bob's your uncle is but is plant based the way to go because we could spice that dna with say like a fish and we end up with like a burger shaped fish or fish shaped burger um and and maybe you're gonna get more of the you know the proteins more of the actual like goodness from like if you had i don't know like uh uh uh you you slice it with maybe like a rat or something like that yeah yeah no no no no no that's horrible let's stick with the let's let's keep it edible huh but what i don't like about the i mean to be fair rats are edible i mean including animal matter in the thing i don't want to look up at a tree and see like a bunch of these guys just swinging around because because they would be alive it's

like you'd walk to to continue with a chance of meatball shit well it would be like cloudy with a chance of horror when you look up and all of these burgers are definitely alive right because they're connected to the tree and the tree is just like a tree is basically just fruit placenta yeah um and these guys would be just like flipping around flopping around so you're under the book under the tree uh reading your reading a book and then but then there would be like just little yells just little little little yelling sounds i we were really quick to dismiss this but i feel like we needed to do a little bit of table setting before we even discuss the the practicality of this so i have a question for you too and i want you to answer me honestly okay and uh 90s kids will

love this one did you ever play in a burger what did you ever play in a burger i i haven't no huh hmm it's interesting isn't it you just sort of took science at face value you know gregor mendel would have planted a hamburger because he wasn't satisfied with understanding dna yeah as well as we do today he couldn't do that he didn't have that luxury so he had to start from ground zero number two was p's agtc loving it like just learning learning growing setting the standard but before that before that before that correctly before earlier that day the one you people don't tell you about is he planted a burger and people are like are you sure and he's like i don't know but it starts with a question doesn't it three two one contacts yeah three two one contact

exactly bloodhound gang this is what i'm saying travis gets it 90s kids did you ever play in a hamburger how about um how about this television show that the three of us are unconsciously writing together right now and it is the knack or the nick these these doctors have a knack these these doctors have a knack for killing people um but it's like that where it's just like early science days early science days pre x-ray just figuring the shit out um but instead of like doctors just like i bet i can get that hard out of there plum quick oops fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck um it's gregor mendel and he's like i need i would like two burgers and so far if most of this some of the stuff you put in the ground you get more of it out guys duh burger i was like

like kind of a montage of him like cutting a burger in half and floating it in a jar of water and looking for like roots just like where is it where the oh it needs more sunshine and the show would be called the dick it's just gregor mendel mendel planting things well that wouldn't be the emerges that wouldn't be the only dumb experiment he does but it would be that's an episode right there that's an episode that right that one writes itself or maybe it's like gregor mendel's brother and you like make gregor mendel a character who keeps coming you're going stop just stop what are you doing just stop and then like the series finale spoiler is like he does it and something grows and you see like a little shoot of green credits um i think that this is like the coming

soon to see so coming soon to see so the dick what hey um are we married to that name yeah sorry you are you married to the dick oh you know i'm married to the dick i already got the twitter handle it's the dick on showtime i was very optimistic about it we pan up lights up on sandor mendel and he is planting hamburgers everywhere french fries yeah those worked so he starts with french fries and he's like okay definitely these do work so next up maybe i'm gonna try a hamburger and you're probably laughing at him but there's probably somebody home is like i wonder how this is gonna shake out they wouldn't have made the show if there wasn't some in game to this episode two gregor mendel ties a phone to a balloon so he can talk to god no great this we're talking about

sandor mendel his little brother's brother oh yes he's he's great too very funny very funny i'm imagining sort of a um joseph gordon levit mixed with french turret kind of like has the good the pretty boy looks but also the great comic timing and the fucking bad which one are we talking about because they're both funny and they're both adorable and that fucking bad boy body so the first shot we have a shirtless sandor mendel and he's he's just grabbing whatever detritus he can fit into the ground he's not even using a shuffle he's so excited he is about this new project he's shirtless though right shirtless and kind of oiled up and we're shirtless but he's like digging he's been digging in the ground and we're

he's a hard one shirtless and we're talking primo daddy yeah oh yeah yeah yeah i'm thinking the forums are gonna light up over this one yeah they're gonna love it if we're picking a scars guard for this role we're definitely gonna go with like a alexander over stelen if you know what i'm saying yeah got it yeah a slice of man pie and eva said the final episode of the first season is he plants his own dick and what happens is he's like well other things grow please yeah please just this once and then and then that one comes out and then we the three show runners get on twitter like that's why we called it that now shut the fuck up we had a plan the whole time you guys have a you guys gotta trust me for points we have seven seasons of this shit the only problem is we've

really we've gotten ahead of the guy writing the dick novels and so he's not like we're an by season two we're completely in undiscovered country at this point it is completely playing by our own rule but you know i actually kind of like that just because the problem was everything we did in season one people would sit there and go like i could tell you exactly what's gonna happen or like that was different than it was in like the third chapter of the eighth book and it's like okay we're just we're making a separate art piece i know that's based on a thing but this is a different entity um we should have gone to the money zone about 10 minutes ago our timing is a bit off this time gang that's all right griffin take us there okay let me throw the lever

are we there yeah we're here how is it not good so far it's kind of a slow introduction my brother my brother and me is supported in part by casper we've talked about casper before are you guys aware of casper you know beds you know how sometimes mattresses suck you know they're all lumpy they got springs in them or whatever most of the time they're not right not from casper i sleep on a casper mattress every night and it's like uh let's see what can i say a realistic comparison to people it's like sleeping on a giant's dream is that what it's like it's exactly like that and they've got a risk-free trial and return policy you can try sleeping on casper for a hundred days and it's delivered to you free in the us in canada

and it's got painless returns which is great because i'm sick of returning things and people like you know making me like walk on coals and like stabbing me with needles to like return the shirt i got at target sure yeah and it comes to you in a box and you cut open the plastic and like unfolds open like a giant version of those little capsules used to put in warm water and they would unfold into a spaceman it's like that but a mattress you can sleep on it's every person's dream and right now there's a special offer for listeners of my brother my brother and me you can get $50 towards any mattress purchase if you go to casper.com slash my brother and use the promo code my brother all one word terms and conditions apply i assume those terms and conditions

are like comfy and sleepiness yeah if you look at the bottom of the like the paperwork it's just this comfy sleepiness on it so yeah that should be good so go check that out casper.com slash my brother promo code my brother all one word what else we got gruffin we got this one for blue apron guys blue apron blue aprons the best i know of blue apron um uh we talked about all the time all three of us use blue apron it literally changed my life it taught me how to cook i cook a couple times a week now here's the deal they send you the ingredients that you need fresh amazing ingredients to cook however many meals you sign up for in a week they have various options based on your dietary habits and they are incredible you can get stuff like ramen noodles

you can get a fresh heirloom tomatoes what are some of the oh here's some of the meals that are available in june got spicy korean rice cakes with snow peas and pea shoots got sweet chili ponzu catfish and green beans with coconut ginger rice got new england style salmon rolls with roasted potatoes and chives we um uh what i really like about blue apron is what we're signed up we get three meals every week um if you're gonna be out of town for a week you just get online you go to the website and say hey i gotta skip next week and they don't send you next week it's not a big deal i had to do that for e3 last week and i was heartbroken to not get the delicious meals that were recent to our door um i was so excited about blue apron i was sad i was not going to be in

town to cook that is how ballin blue apron is anyway um if you go check out this week's menu you can get your first two meals free with free shipping by going to blue apron dot com slash my brother again blue apron dot com slash my brother i am not being hyperbolic this is not fucking corporate shilling that shit is amazing and you should do it and learn to cook and get better cooking okay you sold me sure i got read the tagline blue apron a better way to cook i'm in sign me up just did you have a personal message just kidding travis i already get blue apron did you see though that's a kind of realistic emotion that i believed every second of it just you had me i got a message from mason and this is for aughtry johnson and the message reads this if the fox jumps where the

tigers play the fox will break its back and this is preferred to air before the third blood moon yeah take it take it take it take it yeah we made it just barely i think i hope aughtry listens to this in time i hope aughtry is not a couple episodes behind or else we missed it uh usually we get an email message to ask us if a jumbotron message is too weird to read it is a shockingly frequent occurrence did not get a heads up on this one yeah and now i'm worried max fun hq knows something we do not know that this is not an activation i'm worried that we just like read a coded like dark brotherhood contract and there's somebody out there well aughtry johnson heard this and was like fox jumps with the tiger's bite oh okay judge lansito it is i hope we got i hope we got the

intonation right then yeah i hope we didn't accidentally put the hit out on ito swap a word somewhere and all of a sudden it is going down tigers is capitalized i don't know if that does that matter does that matter i got a message from jbw for mjb and it reads happy first anniversary the coolest hottest video games husband in the whole world our surprise wedding was the longest con of 2015 and i'm glad we're working to a game that trusts our loved ones in 2016 my life with you is more awesome than i ever imagined life could be and i love you with all of my heart uh and that is so sweet and you know what the sweetest part about this is what's that we got it in the exact right window so there my bet there is that's because jbw bought this six months in advance as

we have instructed all folks to do so i still every so often combing through those old emails get a hey today is my brother's birthday can you say something holler at your boy um jbw mjb congratulations on your love on your punctuality on your foresight and on your love new to maximum fun the beef and dairy network podcast the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds all sponsored by grazex the latest grass replacement pellet from michels if it's not michels get back in the truck find us at maximum fun dot org or on itunes or wherever you get your podcast from and if it's not clear this is a comedy podcast beef out i ran into a friend in the library today while studying

and mentioned in passing that i was hungry he offered me some chips which i accepted then he pulled a family-sized bag of potato chips out of his bag set it down on my desk and said here you go and then walked sit at a table at the opposite end of the room from me oh shit my question is how much of this bag of chips am i allowed or supposed to eat at what point do i return the bag to him that's from delaney this is hysterical and i don't think this person got what this person just did to you they turn you into a legendary like mythic figure in this library of like oh man dr munch is back how was your book i was just sat there he munched for six hours how was the library not good i was reading a book and i was getting super into it but then dr munch rolled

around and you know how hard it is to focus when he yeah when munch comes to town when munch comes to town starts just chowing down on his kc masterpiece flavored lays and and just bemoaning as he walks around i don't even like the kc masterpiece lays where oh where is my friend has anyone seen my friend he left me with this burden that would be weird it's weird it's weird also that you were hungry and your friend was like do you want some chips and your friend had no obvious chips no extant chips and you're like yeah yeah yeah yeah i always you're saying this this question asked her should have been like you don't have any chips i see no chips is this some kind of goof this is what the fuck this rules this is like the best prank this is the best question

we've maybe ever gotten here's why a it made me very happy b the library is no place for chips that's great just the juxtaposition is really wrinkly bag crunchy chip yeah battle around see you got a bunch of free chips what that's excellent and that's arguably the best thing like there's some bad stuff that happened too but like hang your hat on the fact that you ended this transaction with a bunch of a whole bunch of free chips and that's great d it's a very those are the best pranks by the way yeah pranks where it's like this was funny but i still ended up with something positive out of it yes right for sure d d oh that's how i like about punk this it's like ah we got you but you're not really gonna die like and you get to hang out with ashton kutcher

yeah it's kind of like a small scale improv anywhere exercise now d if this was a prank it was possibly the greatest prank of all time it was the most it's the it's a very abstract form of embarrassment you have a very large bag of chips in a place where those shouldn't be although really gang i would challenge anyone to think about a place where it'd be acceptable to just like go hog on a big old family size bag bake lays by yourself like there is no but like what it was what's the place on earth with like the least amount of like a baseball game still no put the big bag away there are smaller bags that are made for this occasion the way i can prove it's a prank is no one puts a family sized bag of chips into their bag

that was not planning their afternoon around eating those chips like you you don't just like just in case bring along a family size bag of kc and then masterpiece lays and if you were you don't hand them off and then lose contact with them your mama birding that shit to make sure you get back for your plan to chip feast later on that afternoon you have got it on an emotional tether at all times are we are are we all three assuming sorry real quick are we all three assuming that this bag was unopened when delivered to said friends if not then i just i know because this question actually seems like a just a really solid sturdy person they would have said uh put that back in your bag okay i don't need i don't i'm not going to eat your big open bag of chips

thank you those could be very old i have uh one of the things about having a almost two-year-old living in my house now is that if a package is returned to the cupboard then when i extract it from the cupboard and start enjoying it say i'm about to enjoy some goldfish um a lot of times i'll get an unopened uh i'll get a pre-opened package out of the cupboard and i'll begin enjoying it and i'll notice my wife give me kind of like a side eye like oh that's oh okay and i'll ask her like what's up and she'll inform me that my daughter had um licked some of them or jammed too many in her mouth and put them back in the bag cool so it's like to me in my house if i see something opened it doesn't exist anymore yeah i'm just gonna throw it away that's that is mark to be thrown away in

the garbage later because there's no way i'm gonna try to try to like pan for that kind of gold no thank you you don't have like a an idea of like how to get the sticky stuff out like you don't have what you don't have a you know you reach in and you touch it and obviously which ones have been baby mouthed and so you don't eat those ones i don't see what the big deal i tell you what griffin when uh you come uh uh to hunting to no i appreciate the fucking right through my fucking snacks yeah and and just plink out the ones that my baby aided well you don't need me you could get like a sandpiper or something go yeah yeah pour him out in a bowl and you say mr sandpiper go for it and that's sandpiper

we'll get the gold ones out of course then you'll have to contend with the sand fleece maybe i could dump them all out in a single layer turn off all the lights and then spraying with luminol yeah and then the ones that reacted to the luminol i can safely dispose of not just any not just any luminol sour cream and chives luminol for the si baby touching see that's kind of like a treat to me at the end right because it's like well i had to spray these old luminol but at least it they're zesty what have you spread them out you spray luminol all over them and then you put a black light over them and it's spelled out happy father's day daddy i love you so much oh my god baby geniuses you even think about baby genius

craft work do you ever think about whether or not charlie's a baby genius but i'm not saying smart i mean like can talk the movie can't talk when you're not around to dogs can dance can break dance can't steal the constitution with nick cage can understand complex humor and satire does have oh sorry um trev if i could just have a moment over time away from the podcast um were you for a second implying that in the film baby geniuses there was an i believe i'm quoting you directly complex humor and satire in the baby geniuses films oh i mean if you look at it just and i think it's supposed to be that they made an inverse in which the babies act more adults and the adults act more childish and it's kind of turning our whole society on its ear

so i think when viewed through that lens you will find that the baby genius movie which admittedly i have not seen is a real cutting commentary on the american government um okay trev uh if you could maybe you could go through sort of precedent for me and name some other other comedies that were you know real thinkers like really challenging material yeah that fixture featured prominently um little people pretending to be babies with babies head super imposed i'm gonna say that's uh baby's day out um did not happen in that movie that was a real baby um let's see what else uh oh what was a rug rats the live action rug rats they made that was never released in america oh right the the uh the japanese rug rats with live babies yeah that

was little people with baby super imposed over them um and also uh how did that not scrub the baby geniuses project when they're in their first pre-pro meeting and one person's like i got one way we could do it how did someone say like well we have to come up with a better way than that or we can't make this i'm sorry dug what the fuck did you just say we can't make the film because the the one way we have to do it is the absolute yeah obviously in the first focus test somebody was just like i just hate this um and i just i just really hate looking at this i saw the the concept art and i hated that and then i saw some of the stills and i hated that the most and you've got two whole hours on on celluloid for this so how did this excuse me producers how did this get me

well uh we shot 90 percent of it except for that and we kept thinking we'd come up with a better answer other than super imposing baby heads onto adult little people's bodies um and we didn't and then we were kind of pot committed so like i have a question that will consume the rest of your days and the rest of the days of the listeners of the show so if you would like to not listen to this question just skip ahead 30 seconds but if you're a little person performer and you are performing as one of the baby geniuses and you know that your face will be super imposed over with a baby's face what do you do with your face while you are performing there are several different options each one is worse than the one before it it is a russian nesting doll

of just like existential horror of like what do you do with your face there while you are performing as the baby body there had to be one actor who like committed face to match what they were doing as though it would not be super imposed with a baby face while all the actors were like can you fucking believe doug can you believe doug he's doing baby faces like what the fuck doug by the way i i want to make it 100 clear i lay no blame at the fault of the the little people that performed in this film as the babies you get that money and you make hollywood pay for what they've done to you for generations i'm with you on that i stand in unity i'm just curious what did you do with your face the whole time because there's like blank is that good it's just like

complete deadpan just like buster keaton stone face like could you smile why why why would i exactly give me a reason to smile ever again and i'll light up this room with these pearly whites so that's gonna do it for us here on remember me we hope you've had a lot of fun listening to the program we sure have had a lot of fun talking to you for this past hour we love you very much and thank you as always for for listening you're you're a real champ i have a fun thing that i'm going to be doing that i wanted to make sure everyone knew about coming up this friday the 24th geek and sundry along with smart girls of the party in me pollers project is doing a 24-hour variety show live streaming to benefit the muscular dystrophy

charity mda and i'm gonna be performing in the first hour of it starting at 7 p.m and i want everybody to like check that out i don't have the 7 p.m what time zone oh 7 p.m pacific time friday night i don't have the url yet but i will be tweeting it and pushing it and i want everybody to come check that out so do that this is gonna be fun um uh i want to thank john roger and long winters for you so our theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed it's a wonderful album you should go listen to and hey go to maximumfun.org and go listen to some other podcasts on the network that we belong to which is maximum fun because it's a great network and you're gonna love all the programs on there i'm talking about shows like getting curious

talking about shows like stop podcasting yourself talk about shows like judge john hodgeman all these great shows and more all at maximumfun.org or you can find all the podcasts that we do and all the video stuff that we do at macaroyshows.com uh i also wanted everyone to know uh we're doing that live show in boston and we are working on a new poster for that that is going to just blow all of you away it's gonna knock your socks so far off yeah really you won't ever find them again uh is that it anything else uh real quick because we haven't recorded it again since it happened uh i want to say a big congratulations to our friend and Manuel Miranda for his uh multiple tony wins uh congratulations lin many times i look i look forward to holding that tony and seeing how fast i can

make the little medallion spin a dream come true i look forward to snapping that out when you're not looking land and then taking it home for the world's most radical pog slammer the world's most radical and the world's most prestigious tony boney pog slammer they call him tony boney and he's the best slammer around who you got on your pogs today alph huh that's neat they're mine now idiot should have known better this thing's heavy as fuck and prestigious as shit it's super prestigious but more importantly it slams like a mother fuck lin is right now is looking at his tony's he does have more than one i could spare one i could spare one oh break one of these bad boys down this is a yahoo

finally i was sitting by erin keese thank you it's by yahoo answers user mark who asks sorry i love it so much would anima be affected if donald trump became president oh wait just a macaroy i'm travis macaroy i'm griffin macaroy it's been my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips maximum fun dot or comedy and culture artist owned listener supported let's be honest we live in a world with too much media you need a podcast on the front lines figuring out what's great we're here for you we're pop rocket i am guy brandom i'm a comedian i'm winter mitchell i call myself a digital strategist i'm oliver wang academic and disc

junkie margaret woppler jay sui as john elist and we watch listen to and read everything so that you don't have to and then we tell you about all the things that you'll love to love find us in itunes or wherever you download podcasts pop rocket every wednesday from maximum fun dot work