My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 310: A Tale of Two Gallaghers

Episode Date: July 4, 2016

Happy Birthday, America! We got you another episode, but you have to share it with everyone. Also, you should not enjoy the last 10 minutes at a family bar-b-q without headphones. It gets pretty blue America! Enjoy! Suggested talking points: Joey's 'Stang, Up Our QPE, Dumpster Lamb, Spirit of Music, Hamper of Secrets, The McElroy Way, FakeOutkastFans, Cougar Town, Teaching Internet

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother in my brother in me and vice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother Travis McElroy. I'm that sweet baby brother Griffin McElroy. And America's battling back for her birthday. That's right, America's birthday is here in America. We're coming back, but we're coming back

because a lot of other people are sitting to be dropping the ball right now and America's just going to seek in there and reclaim his glory by default. I'm looking around at the world today. I'm seeing a lot of nations just kind of screw up in the pooch. But we're back. Basically America's like moving up the education standards list because suddenly every other country forgot how to read. Which is one way to do it. It's one way to climb that old ladder in it. For her birthday, so America's back and I just couldn't be happier to be from this great thumb on earth. It's a kind of thumb shape. We're trying to draw America. It's so hard. It's really hard. Let me ask you this Justin. What did you get America for her birthday?

I got America was Amazon Echoes. Nice. I put it in Kansas because I wanted it to be like sort of central. In the middle of it. Yeah, no. And that way everyone can use it. You just, hey everybody, real quick stop the podcast, stop whatever you're doing. Just yell at Kansas real quick. Just be like, how do you convert 90 degrees Fahrenheit to Celsius or play Dave Matthews band? Do you hear me Kansas? I forgot it was America's birthday again. And so I just went into the sheets and I got like a teddy bear and there's a little compartment and it's belly for jelly beans. Nice. I got America a million XL t-shirt that says I'm with stupid and then there's arrows pointing in all directions. Oh, that's great. Sort of a global burn. Yeah.

You know, it's important when you get a present for someone that you don't get the present you want. You get the present they want. To treasure. And I felt like I wouldn't wear that giant ass t-shirt, but maybe America would, you know? Plus it was on sale. You'd be crushed to death under the shirt, I think, Travis. It's so large. It's got a thick weave. A thick weave to cover this beautiful nation of ours, which let's be honest, I don't want to be approved, but this nation's been too nude, too furious for too long. Yeah. It's got bombs and hums and lumps everywhere. Here's a fun fact. Here's a quick fun fact. Since we're talking about America, it's this beautiful lady's birthday. The center of the U.S. is the actual, like,

geographical center of it, right? It's in this place called Lebanon, Kansas, or two miles northwest, I guess. So this is what not the incredible fact I wanted to tell you. There's a very tiny chapel there, like really, really small, like four pews small, right? There's a chapel there, but there's a little, like, note that's set on this page and reading about it. It says, the U.S. Geographic Center Chapel was destroyed by a speeding vehicle missing the turn at the T intersection at the end of K191 Highway on June 1, 2008. It's since been replaced by a new chapel. I want nothing more. I'll tell you what, America, when my birthday comes around, I want to hear the story that leads to this, like, guys, guys, I'm blazed. We're going to drive through the center of America and just

plow through that tiny church. Yeah. Come on, don't be an idiot. Well, here's the thing. They didn't say who was driving that car. The answer is Joe Biden. Let me walk it back for you. Joseph, Joseph Gordon Biden, the vice principal of America, he had this amazing idea, and he called me up and he told me about it, and let me relay the idea. The plan, because now it's more of a plan, because it's him taking action. Step one, just get rid of that old chapel, he said. We got to get rid of that old chapel. I've been listening to American gods. I'm going to drive my stang through it, he said, and I was like, fuck, yeah, Joey. And so he drove his stang right through it and destroyed it. And then he called up Barack Obama,

I'm sorry, Barack Hussein Obama. It's important. A lot of people forget. And said, here's my idea. There's a new plot of real estate that just opened up, centrally located, Barry. And from this position, the new White House in the center of America, you'll be able to get to wherever you need to go, like the easiest you could possibly do it. And the request phone. And the last way you need to go is D.C., at which point being in D.C. would probably have been easy. It'd probably be a little bit better, but D.C. is so far on the East Coast. It's like, if you need to get, if you need to get to like Montana, it's going to take forever. So we're just, we're just not going to mention the fact that Griffin called Joe Biden the Vice

Principal of America, right? I mean, that's what he is. That's what he is. Like you think about the typical sort of school structure, right? The principal, all about big picture ideas, all about sort of like leading the school, guiding them, giving them hope, something to aspire to. The Vice Principal, that's the ass kicker, isn't it? That's the disciplinarian. Yeah, I was sitting here thinking the opposite. Well, I was thinking that you either have your hard-nosed principal that no one gets along with and you're kind of soft and friendly Vice Principal or you have like your badass Vice Principal and the cool. But the thing is, my question is this, Griffin, do you think that they discussed that like when a new Vice Principal gets

hired and the principal's like, listen, I'm the badass? No, no, no. It was definitely like Barack Giuseppe and Obama like walked into Joey's garage and was like, listen, we need to figure this out. And then like he wheeled himself out from underneath the stang that he was kitten up and he was like, I'll do it. I'll do it. You sound like Dominic Toretta there for a second. He is basically, yeah. Anyway, happy birthday, you big beautiful lady. Did we release this on the 4th of July? Probably not. It's probably, this one's probably going to go up on the 5th unless one of you boys wants to edit it. No, not really. You know what guys, we've been sort of slacking on questions per episode or QPE. Well, we're like seven and a half minutes into this

one already. So I think this one's shaping up to be another one. It's headed to Ray Donovan. Ray Donovan, we were like 15 minutes in before we answered the question. That's true. But that, I want to up our QPE this episode. So let's get right into it. One note about Ray Donovan, if I may. Please stop. Okay, you go ahead first and then I have a second note. Maybe they're the same note. Please go ahead, Griffin. I was watching Unreal, terrific show on my Lifetime app, which I'm probably not going to use for anything else. Thank you, Lifetime. And they apparently are sort of the same sort of family as Showtime. So I did see a trailer for Ray Donovan and upon seeing it, I just kind of went, huh. So that's what he is. So that's the thing. Very few,

very few toilets, much more punching celebrities and things. So we specifically asked on that episode, please don't send us Ray Donovan related links and materials. And do you know how many motherfucking Ray Donovan pictures anytime a Ray Donovan has hoved into everyone's field of vision, they have submitted it to the Facebook group. Please, no more. I'm not going to approve your Ray Donovan. And you know what? Stop submitting the mac and cheese thing. I did that last week. Okay, now we're done. Now, QPE up. This is an advice show. We turn your advice alchemy like it in questions, alchemy like into wisdom. So here we go. Hey, brothers, my friend brought me a leg of lamb she found in a supermarket dumpster as a house gift when she came to stay for a couple

days. She didn't mention it came from a dumpster. Yeah. Until I cooked it and served it. Is this okay? Thanks, Joe. All right, let's just keep that QPE up. No, this is terrible, Joe. Your friendship is dissolved. I dissolve it. I'm this is legally binding. It's over. I want to address something here because like, there is a movement in the world where grocery stores and like the sell by date and all that shit, they get rid of perfectly good food. And like, this is no joke that there's a huge food waste in America. That said, the issue here is that she did not fucking tell you she was like that woman who murders her husband and then serves it to the detectives. You know, that's what's going on here. She knew she had committed a crime and she waited

till you consume the evidence to tell you. Yeah. Yes. Yes. If she had mentioned it afterwards, she knows she committed a crime. The thing is for my bigger hang up is a leg of lamb is not a thing I would eat out of a dumpster. If you if you if somebody throws a carrot into a compost heap, and it's there for less than five minutes, and then somebody fishes it out of there, gives it a good old scrub down and then chops it up and makes like a little stew for me, I ain't mad at you. A leg of lamb is like there's so many ways that that protein could be compromised by the dumpster gas. Yeah. And also, if your friend wasn't up front with you, you also can't trust your friend when asked the question, how long was it in the dumpster

before you got it? Your friend is going to lie. Yeah, don't get it mistaken. You could no longer trust this friend for for anything ever again. Did you did you lock the apartment door before we left? Oh, yeah, totally. Okay, so you then you didn't then you basically just confess that you didn't do that. Hey, you paid for this bag of Skittles we're both eating right now. Oh, yeah, for sure. So you shoplifted it from so it's great. Oh, wonderful. No, but this is great, given it's like, you know, one of them always tells the truth, one of them always tells the lie. Now, you like if you look at your friend, you ask them a question, they say you always know that the answer is the opposite of what they said. Yeah, I don't I don't want anybody to

conscript me into their efforts on anything via secret food. I don't want like I don't you know what would make me mad if someone was like make made a meal for me and I ate it and then they're like you would never guess this but that was vegetarian and and I was like I'm sitting there with a full belly and then I'd be like, okay, you would never guess this but now I have to go find some meat so that was so I could have had dinner. Oh, you're on that you're on that B double I NGO plan that bingo plan from the biggest loser, the boy on the biggest loser whose parents were trying to get him and drop a few LBs. So they made a little veggie puree and hid it in his meatloaf and they're like, did you like that? It was like, yeah, it was really yummy. Thanks mom.

And she was like dish cauliflower and that and he just goes silent and says, don't you ever fucking do that to me like this boy's demeanor changed. And in this moment, he was not bingo. He was like mark something like don't you ever don't you ever fucking do that to me again. I agree. Do you guys want to Yahoo? Absolutely Griffin, absolutely I do. This one was sent in by Rachel Rosen game recognize that game for me real quick. Thank you, Rachel. It's by Yahoo instances user JJ who asks, I see orbs when I play my guitar. Today I saw something today I saw something strange while watching a recording of myself playing my guitar. I recorded the video in slow mo on my phone to see the strings vibrate. It's really cool. Cool. But I

noticed a small white orb pop into frame directly on my fretboard started from the 15th fret and traveled down the neck to the fifth fret and move fast as hell to remind me of a shooting star the way it moved. Then I hover for a second and then a much slower pace floated around the strings in a spiraling motion. Was it just dust, a spirit who wants to jam? I'd love to hear some theories on it. Oh, is that your first time seeing the spirit of music? Yeah, you know that's a literal thing, right? Like there's a reason why Santana does what he does. He can't help himself. He can't help himself. The spirit is moving it. I mean, that's I love the idea of it is a spirit who wants to jam and it's like you watch that video and you transcribe the orbs movements to like tabulature

and then you're like, all right, let's try this out. Today is going to be the day that the ah, it's Wonderwall fucking orb. The trick is it's always Wonderwall. Oh, it is always. Yeah. That's the only song the spirit of music has ever liked. The spirit of music has a very outdated taste in music, which is very ironic. My favorite running joke to do is whenever I'm in a car and Oasis is playing and it's either Wonderwall or don't look back in anger because despite the fact that they're like apparently the most popular British bands since the Beatles, like that's all the two songs they did. I just pretend like, oh, who is this? I like this. I like this spirit. What do you call this? You gotta be careful with the spirit of music

because if I know anything from lore, it's that those spirits, they got they got no respect for human physical limitations. Sure. And they will make you play the strings too fast to your fingers bleed or dance too hard till your toes fall off or something and they'll make you play Wonderwall until your your skin is just shredded like you shredded those sick notes. That's what happened to Pete Townsend. He was bedeviled. He was bedeviled every time he got on that stage. I got blisters on my fingers. Damn you, cruel spirit. Please kill me. Please. I'm bedeviled. You think but you gotta be good. You gotta be like careful with that because if you do wrong by the spirit of music, if you were to say, you know, I can't play this right now, my fingers are falling off them,

I leave you, you know, it'll abandon you and force you to create the music on your own. Just like it happened to the Oasis Brothers. And Chinese democracy took that long because slash and axle. And it still wasn't very good because they couldn't really find that spirit again, could they? They tried to fake it by like just those weren't notes. Half of Chinese democracy is not music because they couldn't do that. So they had to fill it. That's why there's so many Chris Tucker skits on Chinese democracy because they didn't have enough songs. If you slow down, like put it in like 4000 frames a second, slow, slow, slow mo, that video of 10 minutes of Axl Rose during a live concert asking for some reggae, you can

actually see like the spirit of music like fly into his mouth and then it shines bright in his belly and then he just like in an ejaculatory scream, just give it some reggae. You know when they were working so hard on that album, it took so long. I kept telling them, guys, you have, let's say you have half an album written and done, just play them half as fast, play them like slower, and then you've got a full record done or just play them again. But this time like do it with like British accents. With a bit more reggae. Here's the lineup. Track one, Chinese democracy. Track two, just playing around a Chris Tucker skit. Track three, Chinese democracy, reggae mix. Reloaded. Reloaded with reggae. Do you guys think we're going to

inevitably end up like the Gallagher's? Gallagher one and Gallagher two. Because I don't know if you follow those bros, but somebody, one of them retweeted like the other week like, fuck Noel, for real. Fuck this dude. I hate his guts. It's like you guys made Wonderful together. That's kind of weird. Oh, he was saying that about his own brother? Yeah. And I'm worried like something's gonna happen. That white, beautiful orb of comedy is gonna leave us. And then it's just gonna be like Travis can eat my butthole. I don't think so Griffin because I don't think the Gallagher's were actual brothers. Interesting. Clones then, huh? Yeah, or maybe just bound together by a dark secret. Okay, they killed the third one. Yeah, something like that. Okay. Yeah,

that's possible. They buried him in an oasis. Isn't it weird how Noel and Joel Gallagher, the oasis brothers, hate each other. And then Gallagher one and Gallagher two are brothers that also have like huge beef. It's like, yeah, that's weird, right? What is it with Gallagher brothers? I don't know. I don't know. It's really weird. Are we the second Gallagher brothers? Gallagher one and Gallagher two? Gallagher one and Gallagher two? The watermelon based comedians. Griffin, you know that this is not a joke and that there are in fact two Gallagher's, right? No, this is a joke from the comedy podcast, My Brother, My Brother, and Me that us three are gonna host until we hate each other. No, this is one thousand percent real. There's a

new Gallagher. Gallagher one. Okay, I'll pay you a picture. Gallagher one was seeing huge success smashing things. His brother in envy and perhaps wanting to get his piece of the watermelon pie started touring as Gallagher two. Oh my god, this is like the real life prestige. This is the prestige too. How do you know which one you're getting when he says you, I love you to you. Which, how do you even know which fucking Gallagher it is? Exactly. Yeah, that was the exact problem. The only thing that Gallagher asked Gallagher two, his brother Gallagher, Ron Gallagher, the only thing he asked him was to please don't do Sledge-O-Matic, but the siren call was too strong. He got the, he already bought that big hammer. Oh god,

I want that scene in the movie where like, he's like, of course I won't do Sledge, but it like pans out and you can see the Sledge-O-Matic leaning against the wall behind the door and like we know that he's gonna do Sledge-O-Matic. This is gonna end with one of them getting hanged and you, but you don't know which one. And right before he does it, like a watermelon like falls out of his pocket and rolls down the gallows stairs and he just goes like, whammo, dead. The classic, classic Gallagher phrase. And then, and then the other one, fucking kills Batman. Here's a question. I work at a startup where one of the perks is a laundry service. Once a week, we can bring in a bag of laundry for wash and fold. Fuck. I'm going on

parental leave soon and I have lightheartedly announced my intention to drop by during my leave to drop off and pick up my laundry. Here's the problem. Everyone keeps acting like I'm joking. I feel like if I ask outright, I'm putting them in a position where they can't say no, even if it's not okay. Am I taking a work perk, work perk too far? Is there a way to clear this up without putting someone in an awkward position? And that's from laundry leecher. My God, there's such an easy way. What is it, Griff? Don't do this thing. Wrong. I know I'm not technically on the clock. I'm taking kind of a three-year sabbatical to kind of find myself. Anyway, here's my dirty jeans. Unless. This is going to be a tricky needle and a tricky

unless needle to thread Travis, but unless. Here's the thing. Is this perk a replacement for like a normal benefit or pay? If this, no, here we go. If the startup was like, listen, we're new, we can't afford to pay you guys the salary that a bigger company would, but we have connections with this wash and fold place. We got a deal through there so we can kind of balance out. It's a cool hip perk of working with us, right? So if that was guaranteed like once a week, this is part of your thing and you're taking paid leave, I think it's included. I think it's a pretty shitty perk. If you can't use it when you're on parental leave and need it more than you've ever needed it in your entire life, I think that you should definitely do this

thing because you are going to need that very, very badly and I think that you are well within your rights. This is a thing nice, like good people worry about that like normal people don't. Normal people would just roll up and like, yeah, just needed to check some mail and happened to have some laundry with me. Here you go. This is okay. The fact that you're worried about it means you're probably not that bad a person, but you should still totally do it. No pun intended. There is a wrinkle here that we are not considering. I can't imagine a scenario where I would want all of the people that I work with in my professional day to day to see what I do to all my clothes. Do you know what I'm saying? You have to walk in and hold each piece up for them.

You walk in with the hamper and like if you walk too close to somebody's desk and you got some gym clothes in there, I wouldn't, that's not, do you know, I'm embarrassed of my dirty clothes. You are definitely, if you do use this work perk, you are definitely going to be like the deep web equivalent of a laundry load. You are going to need like a dark load, a silk road for your silk clothing and all other clothing that are just the circumstances of which are just a little too dark to bring to the company laundry service. You need to raid Donovan to smuggle your clothes in and he'll fucking wash them for you. He won't fold. He doesn't fold. You'll get him back. There'll be a big wrinkly mess. He doesn't do bleach because he's worried

about his own clothes. He's worried about getting bleach on his fancy suits, which is weird, but yeah, that's, that's just Ray. Could you, could you bring your clothes in and kind of covertly distribute them amongst your coworkers, bags of laundry so no one would know you're doing it? What is this dystopian workplace where everybody just has all their stinky dirty clothes all over? Wait, I got it. This is great. Bring a lot of laundry in and say, hey guys, it is going to stop by and say, hi, I'm on my way to do my own laundry. I'm really tired and stuff, but I'm just going to, you know, I'm not working. So I would just feel terrible to use the company service and then forget Wink and leave it there. And what are they going to do? Are they going to

call you and say, come get your dirty laundry? Are they going to just like do it? They'll just do it and you should connect so grateful every time you do that for the next six weeks or so. Oh, here's the problem, Justin. If I'm awake, there's a problem with that. It's really good. If I'm reading this correctly, unless they deliver it to your home, the problem is not in the dropping off laundry. I think you can do that without drawing too much attention. It's the picking back up your clean stuff that really is going to make you seem like a monster. I literally came in just to get my clean laundry. Bye, everybody. Unless you make a big deal out of it, just like bury your face in that hamper and just go like, oh man, they did a great

job this. Everybody come sniff these. Wonderful. Anyway, bye. This makes the difficulty of caring for an infant almost bearable. Bye, everybody. Bye, everyone. Is that the shitty part that like you took your leave to care for your baby and now you're taking time away from your newborn to drop off your shitty dirty clothes? Well, even if I knew this, if one, I worked in an office and two, I just got started at a place like this. Even if I knew this was a thing, I don't think, if you think about like actually trying that for the first time, I am fairly certain I would never actually be able to go through with it because I don't think I would be able to ask enough questions to figure out what the, I would be so terrified of doing it wrong.

Yeah. Like I would show up with a laundry basket. Everybody laugh at me like, no, you drop it off at this place or no, you can't put those clothes in there or no, you got to sort your clothes first. I would probably just be so paranoid about messing it up that I would end up doing myself. And that's the Macaroy way. Don't try doing anything because you'll probably get it wrong. The first time. The first time. So how am I supposed to dip this sushi and I fuck it. I'll just never eat sushi then. Burgers forever. Burgers, I guess, forever then. I mean that, I feel like I'm on fairly firm ground there, considering that like our dad once like ate the edamame and ate all the shell and everyone asked him where the shell,

and it's something in New York and everybody, this is a few years ago before edamame was like in vogue, I guess, and everyone asked him where the shells were and he laughed because he had eaten them. So it's like, I don't feel like I'm completely, I don't feel like my suspicion that someone of my genetic material would get many things wrong, very badly, comically wrong. The first time I tried them is like out of pocket. Yeah. You know they added something to the menu where they actually do cook the shells around it now at that restaurant and you're supposed to eat the whole thing and they call it at a daddy. All right. Do you guys want a yahoo or should we? Let's do a yahoo. Yeah. This yahoo was sent in by level 9000 Yahdrujrujrujjjavinboard.

It's by Yahdru answers user Kane who asks, who else can't stand fake outcast fans? The ones that just put Andre 3000 and say, oh, he's creative. Have y'all actually listened to outcast albums? Andre 3000 is kind of like Kendrick Lamar observant and introspective. He talked a lot about what was wrong with urban America, intricate rhyming and unique musically. B.S. A.T. Alliance is the best outcast album? What? That's accurate. That's sure. I mean, I'm more of a speaker box love below fan, although it was that really technically an outcast album because they were kind of dividing conquer approach to that. That was like an outcast collaboration at that point.

Anyway, yeah, I mean, they bugged me when they don't get the artistry that go into it, but I am more annoyed by fake outcast fans. Do you get it? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but it just seems like this person is presenting an argument of like outcast wasn't just good. They were really good and expecting to get some kind of argument back from people. No, I don't think you understand what I'm saying. I'm talking about reploid, replicant, outcast fans, genetically engineered outcast fans. People who are just like, hello, I enjoy stankonia. I do like stankonia, though. Well, and that's what makes you real. But like if I cut your hand open, it's going to be red. It's not going to be blue or something.

Well, I actually bleed outcasts. Wait, or does that make me a real or fake? Hold on. Do you genetic? Okay. Do you build the fake outcast fans so that they know too much about ACA? Are they like a Stepford Wives thing where it's like it's too perfect and they know too much? Or is it an imperfect duplicate of an outcast fan? Maybe we're talking about fake outcast fans. Sorry, let me try the fake outcast fans. Oh, okay. So you're saying that when I had my outcast tribute group. Or we could also be talking about get outcast too. Okay. My outcast tribute group outcast too. Our fans are the people that this person had an issue with. It could be a cover band. It could

just be again. Hello, I am Andre 3000. Hello, my name is big boy. Sometimes my arm has been back. What if it's people who are fans of the podcast fake outcast that's all about like punk it then it's all about all the like prank shows, the fake outcast, the fans of that show, maybe they hate. Now what shows are they going to be talking about? Because Jamie Kennedy experienced dead, punked, dead, although I hear rumblings of a punk too. Well, here's the problem with punk too. They can't do Sludge-O-Matic. Yeah, that's a good point. Which is a good prank. I mean, let's be honest. That's a pretty good punk.

Oh, I'm sorry. Was that your watermelon? Maybe they have a problem with outcast fans that have been printed on a two-dimensional cardboard standup. So when they go to greet them and discuss outcasts and they outstretch their hand to do the traditional outcast secret handshake, they just bump up into flat cardboard and they think, ah, I've been tricked again by a fake outcast fan. Maybe they have problems with the bootleg merchandise where they want only outcast branded fans to fan themselves with and they're buying like it's spelled like O-W-T-C-A-S-T and they're like, wait, is this really an outcast fan? It's like, yeah, yeah, sure. $2.99 and then they get it home and it falls apart the

first time they try to use it. I saw Reploid Outcast back in like 2004. Man, they were excellent. What was your favorite song? Probably Bombs Over Baghdad when they were like, and a lot of people didn't like the cadence. I think the flow might be better in the original B.O.B., but who wants something? Don't come in and be there. I'll be there when I lean there. I think there's a certain hauntingness to that that I really enjoyed. Also, at one point, Andre 3000 opened up his mouth and spark shot into the audience for 15 minutes. Now, that's my design. That's actually part of the pyrotechnics of the show. Is the bridge of the song, the power, music, electric, reverb? Just the two of them were

like just barfing sparks and it was amazing. I know that you were painting a goof portrait, but that sounds like it would be so fucking cool. No, it would be the best thing ever. Ten years since the last outcast to do album. Did you believe that shit? Ten years this summer, August 22nd, 2006. I think Big and Andre are probably locked in combat with the Reploids. That's the problem. They've been trying to eliminate the, okay. The Reploids did idle wild. The TV networks out there, they're willing to make me a show about, it'll be basically like supernatural, except it'll be the outcast friends going around and destroying clones and replicants and fake outcasts. And just trying to find time to like write a new, like construct a new album.

That'll be like a running gag. People were like, so how's the new album going? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you kidding me, dude? If we take like one day off, do you know how fucked you all would be? There would be a scene in this where real big boy, real Andre, they're fighting a Reploid duo and they take out Big Boy, but then Replicant Andre grabs real Andre and they spin around on the ground and they stand up and Andre 3000 is like, all right, Big Boy, we've been through a lot. You know, it's me. Let's just do some rhymes together. And then the other one would be like, no, it is me, Andre 3000. Look at my hat. Look at my hat. You know the truth. Hey, shake it. Shake it like a polar. You are, you have killed me. Good choice, Big Boy.

The second season is better. The first season of the show, they do a lot of like martial arts and every time they attack, they're like, hey, yeah. And it's like, all right, guys, we did it. Like once or twice would be five. You've done it 115 times in season one. Every episode. They're swarming us. We can't stop them, Big Boy. We have to make the call. Release the bombs over Baghdad. Andre like jumps 100 feet in the air and then like takes out five Replicant Big Boys up there and then he lands on the ground and Big Boy just goes, I like the way you move.

Let's, let's go to the Money Zone. I'm hungry. But that's not a problem for me because I have a fridge that has just been restocked full of the freshest ingredients, some of which I cannot even receive in my area and recipes on how to turn these perfectly proportioned ingredients into delicious meals for my family. And guess what? All these meals cost less than 10 bucks per meal. Oh, God, say the brand name. Please, God, say the brand. Blue Apron. Man, you really left me in suspense there.

I dropped you in media res into that particular. I don't know where you guys. I don't know what loop you guys are on right now. Last night I made fried chicken with a kale slaw and sweet potato spice sweet potato wedges and hot honey that was fucking insanely good. So, so good. Blue Apron kicks ass. We all do it like I don't, I don't get it for free.

Like I pay for it. Like it's not one of those like advertisers are sending us stuff. Like I pay for it because it's fucking exceptional change in my life. I know how to cook now because of this thing. It's so good. You can, if you want to try it and you really, really should, here's just a couple of meals available in June. Creamy shrimp fettuccine with sauteed green beans and spinach please.

Sweet chili chicken with tinkerbell peppers, green beans, jasmine rice. You know, it's cool is if you have certain things you don't eat, they can do vegetarian meals. They can do not fish. If you're not a fish person, they can, you're crazy, by the way. They're really talented musicians and great pop songwriters. No, don't, don't spread that bullshit around. They are not good at all. Fuck you.

They've got some really. No, they don't. You're wrong. No, you're wrong. The, I'm saying like I've ever heard of studio stuff. It does get a little noodley for me on like the live records, but like they have really, I mean, Trayos actually has really solid pop construction when that's the sort of milieu he's working in.

I think it's a dump. And also like, well, that's a really great fucking attitude. This is supposed to be a show for people to like feel good about. And there are, I guarantee there's people who are like, oh, well, fuck you very much. I should be clear. I've heard, I've heard one fish song in my entire life. Hey, everybody, if you're a fish fan, tweet at Travis right now and all week about your favorite fish songs until he's a fucking convert by the end of the week.

Okay. I've only heard one song. Yeah. Let me know. Let me know what's good. No, don't don't let him. Don't let him know. Open up the fucking whole prison cell block and I summon the fish fans.

All of my non-fish fans out there. I need you guys to do the same thing, but the Justin and Griffin. Thank you. No, but we weren't, we weren't being dingleberries about fish. Yeah, Trayos. This is punishment. We haven't earned it. That's not punishment.

Have his fucking eyes open. Check out, oh, and you should read Nathan Ravens book about fish fans and ICP fans called, you don't know me, but you don't like me. It's really, really, that'll change your life too. Anyway, check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash my brother. That's blueapron.com slash my brother. Blue apron, a better way to cook.

Can I talk to you about sheets? Please do. Justin, my favorite topic. Yeah, Justin, do you know anything about sheets? Yeah. It's a sort of a restaurant gas station hybrid in I guess the Midwest and Northeast. Northeast maybe more. Wow, I guess.

But did you know that sheets? Did you know it can also be a thing that you put on a bed? True story. Tell me more. Well, here's the thing. If you just slept on your regular bed without anything on it, you do get your nasty body stuff all over the bed. And then what are you going to do?

Buy a new mattress every time? No. I'm starting at square one here to explain that Bowlin Branch is an amazing company. So what you do is you put a thin layer of fabric over your bed that could be washed and replaced so that you don't have to get a new bed every time like you drool or sweat or whatever. And so Bowlin Branch is the next evolution of sheets. They don't care about thread count. They care about quality material.

Thread count is a myth. Dry land is not a myth. Neither is quality sheets from Bowlin Branch. They use high quality cotton to make you great sheets. And because they don't have overhead like some of the big stores, they're able to keep their prices down and get you amazing product at a very reasonable price. So you can check it out online at bowlinbranch.com. It's B-O-L-L and branch.com.

They'll let you try the sheets for 30 nights risk free. And it's not just sheets. I keep saying sheets, but it's towels, blankets, duvet covers, everything. And you can go to bowlinbranch.com today and get 20% off your entire order plus free shipping. If you use the promo code mybrother all one word. Go check it out. Get yourselves some new sheets. Sleep on a dream.

That's not their thing, but it is now. It's pretty good. I got a message, your personal message for Robert. And it's from Laura or Laura or Lara who says, Happy 420, darling Robert. My dearest Robert, it is time to blaze. We march for the front lines tomorrow, General Lee says. I shall await your correspondence.

Please roll this letter up and smoke a fat Dubinsky with it. Chief my love correspondence, Robert. Chief it up right. Roll it only the way we used to roll it. My dankest love, Laura. Happy 420, darling Robert. The first four years have been rough. I can't lie.

But here's to the next 20 being smooth sailing. I'm sorry this message is late. There's so much to love in these like four sentences or three sentences. Holy shit. First of all, you're basically saying 24 years and then that's it, which is great. You wish them a happy 420, which is like really specific timing. I'm hoping you managed to like work it out so that this message was played directly at 420. Chief it up blaze it.

And then you apologize for the message being late. Which honestly, all Jumbotron messages should conclude with. It should be like the sorry so sloppy of Jumbotron messages. Yeah, great message. Let's see if this next one can compete. It's for everyone and it's from Sparkles. And the message is be cool like Blair. And the preferred timeframe for this message is whenever I love and trust you.

Yes, this is another very good Jumbotron message. You'll know the right moment. That's the word Sparkles. Which Blair are we talking about? Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl, maybe? That's probably it. No, I think this is probably a real Blair that a person named Sparkles. Maybe that's a pseudonym.

Just once everyone to know their friend Blair is really cool. And I'm I don't know anything about Blair, except the fact that it's a cool name. So I'll aspire to be at least as cool as the name is. Do you know there's a WikiHow article called how to behave like Blair Waldorf? And it has eight steps to it like WikiHow. I think you don't fall outside the lines. I don't think that that's what your service is supposed to be used for. You know, you're probably getting a bit big for your breaches.

You know, at the moment of Yahoo Answers passing, there will be a quickening. Right. When Marissa Mayer fucking beheads Yahoo Answers, which is the only way to kill it, there will be a quickening and WikiHow will receive the quickening. If there's got to be a bidding war, if there's a bidding war for like the Yahoo. I will kickstart it. Are you fucking? This will be the thing we use our one token of like Kickstarter support from.

We'll go to Robin Mars and we'll pick up our token so we can put it into the machine to get something crowdfunded. Yes. Uh, so, uh, everyone be cool like Blair, I guess. Yeah. Hey, James. Hey, Nicky. Where are we right now?

You're in the minority corner. Haven't you been here before? You know what? I think I have. Because you're a woman. And you're a gay man. And we're both black. And now that we're here in the minority corner, what should we talk about?

How about race, gender, and sexuality? Oh, and we can gossip about celebrities and I can quiz you on pop culture. Oh, and we can have guests. We're going to learn, laugh, and play. You know, that sounds a lot like Blue's Clues. Only it's more black, gay. And ladylike. Minority corner with the K.

Check us out. Because the C was taken. Hey, read a question. My landlord recently had a fence erected around my house, including a gate that stands between my front door and the sidewalk. He lives on the block and really seems to enjoy making eye contact while walking up to my house and closing the gate every time I feel to do so. Oh, I've never spoken to the guy.

So it feels like a pretty weird power play to me. Should I just hold my breath till I move away? Or is it time to escalate? So wait, so open in Iowa City. Is this a situation where the landlord also lives in this building? It doesn't sound like it. No. Oh, he lives on the block.

So he like literally walks down to your street, makes eye contact, shuts the gate. Why the fuck do you care if the gate is shut or not? I mean, I get, okay, well, let me ask you this, Griffin. If you paid money to put a gate up and the gate was open, wouldn't you think, well, why the fuck did I do that? Right, but a gate, like, it sounds like anybody can just open the gate. What are you protecting it from? Cougars?

Are you the only person who lives in the house? This is very odd. This is very strange. This is very strange. Wait, wait, wait. Do you think that when the landlord is closing the gate, he's thinking, I don't want you to get out? I don't know how gates work.

I need to keep you safe, my precious tenant. It's a really weird power play in that it doesn't assert any power. It's just a weird thing to do. He's not like, he's not looking out for you unless you do literally live in Cougar Town. Although I think, I think even a lot of Cougars could probably figure out a way I mean, they could just World War Z it and run at the gate until they form a Cougar-based stairwell. You know what I mean?

But this is the weird thing about living in proximity to people who own a thing is people get really weird hangups. I used to get weird notes on this one place I lived at where the woman who was sort of like living in the building at a discounted rate because she was sort of keeping an eye on it, and so would get very overzealous. So I'd get these weird notes like, when you bring your Christmas tree back downstairs, please make sure to shake all the dead needles off before you do it. And she would put it up there in like August to like really make sure that we were thinking

about it for a very long time. Or she'd put notes like, please stop stealing all my laundry soap and please buy your own. You know, weird stuff, weird hangups like that. Um, I, when I lived in the West Virginia building, and I was, you know, I don't want to, dad, turn off the podcast, but I was, you know, hitting that, in that Skywalker OG, you know what I mean? I don't. Having some of that purple Urquil, you know what I'm talking about?

I don't. I did not realize until the day that we all moved out that our landlord literally lived a floor directly above us. Oh my. And they must have been like super chill about it. Because we never received a knock on the door. That is so much worse of a thing to do than leaving your, your gate open. Unless again, you do live in Cougar Town.

Um, why is, why are landlords, why are some landlords horrible and some just love it when you party? I had, I had a landlord who was a very nice woman. Um, and we lived in this apartment for like five years in Cincinnati who would routinely come over just to like check in and seemingly just to judge where we would put our furniture in the house. That's not how I do it. Interesting.

Yeah, or like how we were caring for like our backyard or what kind of deck chairs we had. She was very judgmental in, in like a familial way, not like in a mean way, but like you would expect your mom to check up on you. It was very weird. And I, I, I always wanted to just look at him like, Hey, I appreciate you. And like, I give you money. Please don't come over. Please don't.

You're fine wherever you are. I, here's a weird part about this question to me is that when they say that, um, he really seems to enjoy making eye contact while walking up to my house and closing the gate every time I feel to do so that, uh, that's weird that they're doing that. But like, what are you doing that you are in a position to make eye contact with the landlord when they walk up your side? Like, are you just like leaving the gate open and then standing outside in your truth and just waiting for them to come by so you can make eye contact with them?

Another possibility. That's possible. I just, let's just, I, I guess this is just an endorsement. If you live in Huntington, look for a place to live. West Virginia is great. West Virginia building is great. They are just like, they're down with whatever. Landlord just like walk in and be like, there's, it smells like that good, good in here.

Anyway, have fun boys. And Rio Grande is like, Rio Grande is right downstairs, which is like conducive to the good, good backyard is like right across the street. Right. Oh yeah. Yeah. You got, and you got a, uh, there's a frozen yogurt tropical moon place right across the street.

Walking distance to the movie theater. Yeah. There's two derelict movie theaters that you can just go walk and throw rocks at. It's awesome. Things about sheets. Co-creator Dwight Slapy lives there. You can go hang out with him. It's got a lot going for it.

It's got so much going for it. So, uh, how about a Yahoo? I'd love that, Griffin. This one's sent in by Aaron Kies. Thank you, Aaron. It's by Yahoo Answers user. Usman who asks teaching internet. My uncle.

Hello all. Well, first my English is not good, but hope you can understand. That's fine. We'll get it. Okay. My uncle wants to learn internet from me. I'm using the internet since 2010. And I have much knowledge about internet downloading and searching.

Almost everything. But I'm confused. How can I teach him internet? So, I need your suggestion from where should I need to start? How can I teach him internet? Thanks. I don't want to make it sound like we're laughing at this person's, um, uh, message. Cause, or the, the syntax of the message.

Um, I guarantee that sounds better than if I tried to write a message and say Spanish. Yes, sure. Um, I'm laughing about like, how do you really sit an old man down? How do you sit your old uncle down and start the, where do you start? Where do you start with the internet? You have a clean slate experience where the first thing you show them will be the jumping off point for internet for them. Cause like it's going to be like you sit them down and they're like,

where do I put in the internet floppy disk? And it's like, oh Jesus. Oh my God. I saved all my punch cards. So we're literally at ground zero. Okay. How do you teach them on the internet? But now how do I save the internet when I'm done with it?

No, ah, Jesus. But think of the power you have with like, you have this lump of clay in front of you and you can mold in their mind their concept of the internet. You could just take them to like three pictures of a cat and a recipe for fried chicken and say that, and that's the internet. That's it. That's what all the, that's what all the fuss has been about. That's all, that's all there is so far.

We're still waiting for people to put some more on there. But so far we're pretty happy with the start of it. Anyways, no need for you to ever get on this again. There's, I imagine on the first day, your, your, uh, Paw Paw sits down at the computer and you just laugh like, ha. Yeah, you think you're ready for that? No, no, stand up and then you throw a notepad and a pin and start there. Start putting searches into that first and then you'll be ready to ride, ride the snake at some point.

I, not now. Yeah, I'm, I'm day one. I enjoy actually, I'm coming back from a different place because there is, we're laughing at this. There's, there's certain knowledge that we possess about the internet that goes beyond like, how do I find information? How do I Google? What is an email? How do I say, there's stuff that you need to know about sort of the landscape.

And I think really the only way to educate an old, old man about all that is to just throw them into that deep tumbler into a deep old tumbler and let them kind of dig their way out from there. I'm talking about literally restraining them to a chair and say like, you can only stand up and leave this room and use the potty once you've found your way out of this like SpongeBob SquarePants Rule 34 tumbler collection. Have fun, grandpa. Thanks for your, thanks for fighting in the Korean War for me,

but you need to get the hell out of, escape from tumbler, I call it. That's a good way to, that's a good way to get that going, I think. You heroically piloted a helicopter to evacuate Vietnam War vets, and that was a great thing you did. Now it's time to see if you can escape from a different place, which is to say that deep tumbler. I really enjoy that you piloted a helicopter to evacuate Vietnam War vets, like someone's fighting in the Vietnam War.

They're like, help stop him a veteran. Like, yeah, I know. Well, they did back in the Vietnam War. Okay. You know what I'm saying. And to be fair, he didn't say evacuate a Vietnam War vets from Vietnam, could have been somewhere else, could have been a building full of Vietnam War vets that caught on fire.

I also didn't say, I also didn't say in 2008. I think that's a good way to. You evacuated all those Vietnam War vets, even as they asked you to stop, because they were just in their houses. Please, I'm fine here. What if, thank you. What if my thing though, they're at like, what's an AARP like party or whatever, and they're talking to their cohorts,

and their cohorts is like, my grandson got me a blackberry, and I've been using it to be on the internet. And then this Tumblr grandpa would just be like, oh, let me show you this high res JPEG that I found of Patrick the starfish is hard cock. And everyone's like, what are you doing? He's like, no, this is internet. My grandson, my grandson locked me in a in a shower, an unused basement shower, and wouldn't let me leave until I sort of discovered what internet was.

And this is it. And I'm better for it. It's just stuff is just hard cock. Yeah, I know a lot of stuff now. Can you imagine being like 86, and your grandson's showing you the weirdest shit he can find on the internet, and you stumble across what has always been your thing, and you didn't know about it until you were 86, and you found it on Reddit, and you're like, oh, I've wasted so much time.

Just like on your deathbed, just like flipping through the black barrier, your grandson just got you. And you end up on that deep tumbler. And it's like, here's my tumbler blog, and it's all just the art of Squidward, and he's got six dicks. And you're like, that's it. That's my jam. That's my fetish.

I found I found fly me to heaven. Squidward's six cocks. Using this new technology. The only way we can solve this murder is to use your grandpa as a spirit medium. Using this crystal orb, we'll be able to see the last thing he saw with his eyes before his. Oh my god. Is this Squidward from the Cartoon SpongeBob Squid Pants?

Does he have six? Does he have six hard cocks? Can I get a count on these hard cocks? One, two, three, four, five. Oh, there's another. Yes, six. What? Oh no, now this is my thing too.

Oh no, it's like the ring. It's like the ring. Oh, Jesus. Squidward's climbing out of the ball. You're now all there. Six of you. Oh god, no. But you can't, if you're the one, if you're the one who did it though,

you cannot let your family discover what you have done. Oh no. So it's going to be very awkward when your grandpa dies. And the first thing you do is grab his phone and throw it in the toilet. Listen, this is all very sad, but right now I need to throw grandpa's phone in the toilet. It's like, it is, this goes beyond a history purge. If there's a chance that a single one of these bits or bites remains in the cookie cache.

Did anyone teach you about the cloud? Please, you have to tell me. Did anyone teach you about the cloud? Your grandpa, like he requested, will now have his ashes scattered at sea. I'm just going to chuck his blackberry in there too. Just so he's, just, just to be safe. Just to be safe so he can have it in the, in J, in Davey Jones locker.

Hey, hey, Stevie. I found all these printed off things in your grandfather's room. He printed stuff off. Damn it, old man. Damn it. One step ahead of me. I know he just died, but I don't think I love him anymore. He flew helicopters in NAMM for you, I think.

For somebody. But look at all these pictures of Squidward's rock hard six days. That's my dad. That's my dad did that. It was my dad. I don't have a dad anymore. That's weird. He's dead to me in so many ways now.

Yeah, I just kind of appeared. I just kind of like showed up one day as a baby. No dad, no dad involved, no dad at all. It's crazy. I don't have a dad. That's going to do it for us. Was that too provocative? I get tweets pretty regularly from people who were like,

was on the bus, and my headphones came on jacked, and then Griffin yelled something about Squidward from SpongeBob SquarePants's six hard, hard ding dongs. And now I got fired from the bus because I was driving it. I think it's fine. I think late in the podcast, things are usually going to get the most ribbed, but I think they probably know that by now.

I also think people will find it really adorable that when we tried to come up with the most upsetting thing one might find on the internet, the best we could do was like SpongeBob, Erotica, and they probably said they're going, let me send you guys some links. Please don't send us those links. Please don't take my innocence away.

Travis, you don't know how internet works because now we are going to get those links. Yes, so we're done. We're done. With the podcast. Hope you liked it. We made it for you. So that's, I mean, that's the hope.

And I wanted to say a quick thank you. We received a bunch of things in the old PO box that I mean, I had to fill the trunk of my car with gifts. Hey, bring some of those to Boston, please. Okay, no. When you guys come here later on this year, you can take them with you though. Yeah, okay.

I'm saving it in a closet. Erica, it makes her own candles, and she made themed candles for our shows, which is really cool. She calls them, this is a cute. Fandals. Isn't that cute? Oh, that is nice.

Isn't that cute? What's the big gulp one smell like? Okay, that's not one of them, but she has a shop on Etsy called Wic Cabot, and you can check out some of her candles there. All the ones she sent us smell great. I'm saving them. There's a rosebuddy's one that smells exactly like roses.

It's very uncanny. But thanks to her. Thank you to Matthew for sending me some Jimmy Buffett shoes, and thanks to Lynn for filming Jimmy Buffett saying hi to me. That was very kind of him, and it made my father-in-law proud of me for the first time in my life. And also, congratulations, by the way, because we won't record again until after this has happened.

Congratulations to Lynn on wrapping up his tenure in Hamilton. His live performance is July 9th, so congrats to him and what an accomplishment. And also Blair sent us Dad Magazine, which she edited and is a book called Dad Magazine. So that's pretty great. Thanks. I want to say congratulations to you, Justin,

on your 10-year wedding anniversary, which is today, the day we're in front of the podcast. Thank you so much. Congratulations to you. Thank you so much. July 1st spent 10 years. It's crazy. I also want to say we're very, very excited.

We've got a guestpart coming up. Yeah. And it's been a while since the guestpart. So just to remind you, we're going to have guest on. You're going to submit questions specifically for that guest to answer. That guest is going to be Patrick Rothfuss, who is one of my favorite authors, if not my favorite author, author of The King Killer Chronicles.

And that's going to be, we're recording just a few days after this episode. So if you've got questions for Patrick Rothfuss, send them in. Advice questions, remember. And like, you need advice from him. Yeah, not just like trivia questions or something. The next book's coming out. Please don't fucking ask that.

It's not cool. Ask about advice. But yeah, send those in and make sure to put in the subject line, something like, you know, for Patrick Rothfuss. And speaking of- Make sure- Oh, sorry. Go ahead, Jeff.

Well, we also have a Boston show coming up. And so we're going to need questions for that. So make sure you put a Boston live show in the subject line for those. And just want to remind you to send your favorite fish tracks to at Travis McElroy on Twitter. Definitely. Maybe we want to start with something from like Billy Breeze, something real accessible like that.

But you know, it's up to you all, whatever you think. And Travis will review each track and let you know what he thinks about it. Yeah. And we're all very excited to hear his book report. Two things real quick. Thanks to John Roderick in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song, It's a Departure. Off the album, Putting the Days to Bed.

Fucking fantastic album. Maybe you're going on a summer road trip, driving down the beach. Put that album on. Good times. Also, I can't remember if I mentioned this last week, but I just opened up a PO Box here in Austin. It is PO Box 66639, Austin, Texas, 78766. Yeah.

Just want to put that into the ecosystem. Are we done? I want to say, check out all the other amazing, maximum fun shows. There's lots of new ones to check out. But I would like to take a second to specifically push two shows. One, the show that I do with my wife, Shmanners, that I am a big fan of.

The episode we did on pregnancy is one of my favorite things I've ever recorded. And just every week, I'm more and more impressed with how wonderful my wife is at podcasting. And also, the recent episode of Still Buffering, where they had Lin-Manuel Miranda on to talk about how to do theater in high school and as a teen and community theater.

And it was wonderful. They talked a lot about memories that I remember from growing up in Huntington with the Smerals. Lin talked about his years. It's really wonderful and I highly recommend it. There are other shows on the Maximum Fun Network that we are not a part of, though, like Getting Curious and Judge John Hodgman

and Jordan Jesse Goh and Stop Podcasting Yourself and Throwing Shade. Tons of great shows. You can find them all at maximumfund.org. You can find all the podcasts that we do at macroachows.com. We've been doing this post questions bit for like 14 minutes now. Let's kill it. Let's put it to bed.

Uh, hit me, Griffin. Gotta find a yahoo is sent in by Aaron Keese. Again, thank you, Aaron Keese. You deserve a nickname. I just haven't come up with one yet. We'll workshop it. The Keese Master. No, I think you described...

You said Keester once. And I think Aaron tweeted that that was not good. I know that. That's why I've continued to try to come up. I think Keese Master is what I'm sticking with right now. It's terrible. Okay, here we go. Joe S asks,

Does Seattle have culture, class, cuisine, opera? All the stuff I see in Frasier. Why are you just a McRoy? I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother, my brother and me. Kiss your dad, square on the lips. MaximumFun.org

Comedy and culture Artist owned Listener supported