My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 316: Smart Stuff

Episode Date: August 16, 2016

Hey, look who's at the door! The back door, I mean. It's Island Boy, and he's very, very lost. Oops! Now we have to take care of Island Boy, because I'm pretty sure he'll perish out in the real world. Suggested Talking Points: Island Boy Rises, Deep Sea 'Corns, Barber Barber Barber, Burke Plimpton, Gimme the Hippo, Please and Thank Yous, Justin's New Podcast, Return to the Zoo

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your babyest baby brother, Griffin McElroy. It's summertime. Can everyone else hear that too? I can hear it.

Billy Stewart, of course, with that version of summertime. It is me and my Billy Stewart impersonation, but Island Boy rises right now. I'm on that island time. The island boy returns. Some people just want to watch the world sunburn. Yeah, he's not the boy we want, and that's the end of the sentence. Island Boy has returned to you. I'm continuing my tour of the islands of the southeastern United States. I have fully planted, sown my seeds of parties throughout Tybee Island, and George's Tybee Island have moved on to Pauley's Island, South Carolina. I am here just living that island boy. My island phone's going off. One second. Hello. Hi. It sounds like I'm talking to you

on two coconuts that are just kind of stapled together. Is that true? That's right. Go for Island Boy. Hi, Island Boy. This is Pauley. I heard you're staying on my island this weekend and this week, and I hope you have just a great time. Be careful of those jelly sharks, and just wanted to ask you, did do want to ask you to please just stop sowing your seed all around my island. That'd be terrific. Thanks. I would hate to remove you from the island. I can't help it. By the way, is Pauley Jimmy Stewart's brother? Yeah, it's me, Jimmy Pauley, and I own an island, and it's covered in com, and I'm calling you specifically about the com, Clarence. I have been living that island lifestyle so deep. You know me, right? I get here first

things first. I jump right into the ocean to just start to renew and replenish, and then I got stung by a jellyfish, and then I came back in, and that was about 10 minutes of good, just like good, solid ocean time I've had since I've been here. Have you been visited? Have you been visited by the Sunshine Man? He is kissed. His sweet solar kiss is all over my body, and by which I mean the very tops of my shoulder blades that could be reached by the sun through my chair with a built-in umbrella. Okay. So that's none of that. Has Crabbington come around these parts in a bit? What? Crabbington? I'm starting to sort of develop out the island boy fiction. I'm imagining sort of a gala-gala island situation. Sure, yeah. Is Crabbington like the Alfred of

this scenario, where he is a fairly large, but not quite man-sized crab? I think this is a small crab, but he wants to steal your snacks from your beach picnic. Oh, Crabbington's like the Swiper. Yeah. Oh, Swiper, no swiping. I was just picturing Crabbington with maybe one of those Jimmy Buffett beers in each claw. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Bringing it out to you and maybe once for you and once for him after a long day of crabbing around. Okay, so it's sort of a party crab. Oh, and that is, by the way, his catchphrase, just crabbing around. All right, crabbing around. I did very lucrative. I want to tell you, I had an island boy adventure this morning. I want to share with you guys. I went, I went out for, I threw on my sneaks and went out for my run,

because I got to keep my couch to 5k streak going, getting camera ready for this September. Should I be doing that? Oh, I've been going the other way. I've been eating a lot more fried chicken to bulk up. Am I doing this wrong? I'm trying to get camera ready. So I went out on the beach, because what better place for a run than the beach? One thing I do have to note, it's very hard to run on sand. Yeah. So after I did, I ran about a mile and a half and I felt like I was going to die there. So I decided to come back. And as I came back, I realized that I did not pay very close attention to what the back of this beach house looks like. Oops, Daisy. So an island boy had a little venture of his own where he was just slogging through sand, half dead, up to like the

back doors of houses, trying to peer in there to see if this is the place he would stay. Oh no, island boy was arrested this week. Who's that? Who's that at the back door? Oh, it's just island boy come to give us some of that good news. Long story short, I had to use Google Maps to navigate back to my house on the beach. You would survive well in the apocalypse, Justin. Island boy, I thought you had a strict no tech rule when you were out enjoying the oceans bounties. Well, solar powered only. That's the one thing about it is that they have to be solar phones, solar phone, the only kind of phone I be uses. Let me juice that up for you, I be. Thanks, sunshine man. Do you want some of these drugs? No, sunshine man. Tell me some of that.

Good news. Okay, I'm going to go now, sunshine man. I'm a little uncomfortable. Please stop kissing my shoulder, sunshine man. You're tan now, I can see those freckies. Okay, I'm going to go be with my family now, sunshine man. I have to go. Please move away from the door. You got a few unfreckled bits left. Okay, I guess I just stay for a couple more minutes. Hate this, you're ruining that island boy style. How did you feel about crab? Let's do a quick focus this. How did you feel about sunshine man in Crabbington? The new characters introduced from the island boy cannon. I like the gritty reboot of sunshine man. Yeah, did you? Sorry, my phone broke up. Did you say shitty reboot? Yes.

I like the original sunshine. Sunshine man is Frank Gorshin. He was the way better sunshine man. They switched them and you thought they wouldn't notice. Let's do some advice maybe. I'm faced with a bit of a dilemma. I have two daughters, 12 and 15, and for their entire lives, I've been doing my utmost to convince them that unicorns are real and that they live in a secret reserve in Florida. I approve. It's been getting progressively harder as they get older, but they still believe and they often get into arguments with their friends on the issue. They already know about Santa and the Tooth Fairy. I want to keep their childhood as magical as possible. So my question is this. Do I maintain this facade of a unicorn laden earth in their eyes until

they grow up and go out into the world on their own or do I break the news to them now and hope that I haven't done irreparable damage already and that's for hunting for magic in Huntington, England, Huntington, England, not West Virginia. Sorry. So the location here is actually extremely helpful because I think if you live in England, you are allowed to say anything lives in Florida because you'll never get who in England has got to get to Florida. Yeah. Florida has swimming tiny dinosaurs in it. So why the fuck wouldn't there be unicorns? Here's a new character I'm working on. It's called British person that's been obsessed with going to Disney World their entire life and finally gets to go. All right. Come on, blow me. Mickey's so big, isn't he?

He's so tall. We're in the little take-ups. I'm going to spit her out. Can we make this fly? Can we make this fly? A broad character who, and apparently this is the episode, just a lot of character work, but I would love to hear a version of that and it's just, but it's just a British person just like psyched to just sort of generally go to Florida. Yeah. Oh, oh my. There's lots of sort of taffy down there in there. Lots of orange. You know, when you come in the state, they give you free orange juice, don't they? I feel like you're doing a lot of Eliza Doolittle is very excited to go to Florida. That does that Travis. You jumped ahead in the narrative. It does parallel pig, pig malion in many, in many regards. That's my favorite part

of My Fair Lady when they go to Florida for one episode. When they do the Disney World special and they do crossover with Boy Meets World. Find that haunted Tiki doll. I think that's my favorite My Fair Lady episode. Just taking some lessons with My Fair Lady. My Fair Lady is filming for a live studio audience. Back up the suitcase, Eliza. We're going to Florida. What I like. I'm trying. Renee Zellweger. Eliza Doolittle. No, it's Florida. I think that Florida is the perfect place because I live in West Virginia and I would believe fucking anything you told me about Florida right now. Anything you told me is down there.

I would absolutely believe it. Island Boys only nemesis Florida, man. I don't see. I think you're on a different continent. Anything goes. That's that's that's fact that you can't like there's there's you have plausible European deniability. And not only that, this is one of those that like I have known parents and I have known the children of parents who have been convinced of way like more detrimental things that like they realized weren't true when they got older or like they hit 20 and they're like, wait, that's how cars work? Oh, no. Like this is I think there are unicorns in Florida is is in no way a detrimental thing for someone to believe as long as possible, unless like you have convinced them

that those unicorns will also like save them from any danger or something. I think that right. I think it's OK to be like, yeah, there's totally unicorns. Don't worry about it. There's magic in the world. I love you very much. Please experience life through rose colored glasses for just one day more before you realize how shitty stuff can be. Um, I mean, I don't see what we have to say. Corns don't exist, maybe they because like there's there's four quadruped horse like animals with horns on them. Yes. And they get they sometimes they probably only have one. Listen, there's whole like there's billions of miles of ocean we haven't explored. Exactly. What I keep coming back to Travis, absolutely.

For all we know, there's a biosphere down there that like and I'm not even talking about like ocean you talk about like lands unicorns that have retreated to below the oceans we say from our prying human eyes. Oh, because you know, we discover unicorns on a Monday. By Thursday, we have figured out a way to eat those horns. Oh, yes, very much. No question. We're making corn nuggets. Um, and we don't we don't want that. So I'm saying that I think that there is listen, there's a lot called maybe there were unicorns and like everything got real messed up in the dark ages and the unicorns like, well, we're going to the moon now. Maybe one day we'll return when you stop being shitty and stuff. And they're just they look at us every night

from the moon thinking, hmm, I hope soon. Not yet. I hope soon they stop being shitty. We're running out of oxygen. Quick thought exercise. We find unicorns. They're real. Yeah. We cut off the horn. How do you guys think we do eat the horn? How do you think you eat the horn? Because I can see the two that immediately leap to mind is slip it onto your finger and eat it like a bugle. Yeah. Or maybe you have to peel that like conical sort of design down. I thought grated onto nachos. Sorry. Grated onto nachos. Oh, yeah. Grated onto nachos. Sure. That's definitely like a hard cheese. Like a hard. So the outside is more of a rind. Yeah. Inside it. Okay. I'm into I'm into the bugle idea, but I'd like to do it my preferred way of doing

bugles, which is sort of like a fun little aperitif. Um, uh, just get some some stuffed which fingers just like get a can of easy cheese and you put the nozzle in there and you sort of you sort of deposit it directly into the receptacle and then you eat the whole kitten caboodle. Of course, with a unicorn horn, I wouldn't want to just put spray can cheese in there. It also likes some sort of cryptozoological thing in there. So maybe like a maybe just like sort of chupacabra jelly or like a Sasquatch cheese. It's a mammal. It has nipples. If I learned anything from meet the parents, you can milk it. Yeah. He's some, some Yeti butter. Yeti, Yeti, Yeti, Yeti sauce. Um, do you guys want a yahoo? Sure. Oh, were we not just doing one? Oh, yeah. Oops.

This one was sent in by level 9000. Yeah, true, true, true. Devonport. Thank you, Druits by yahoo answers user. They are anonymous. We will call them. Frankfort asks, how do I choose between two barbers? I have two barbers that normally cut my hair, but usually only one is available because the other is busy. The last time I went, both were available and I just chose the one who said hi to me first, but the other one looked sad. What do I do next time? Well, there's an obvious answer. There always is with you, but you need some sort of barber off. You know that classic scene in Sweeney Todd, where they have the shave off and the, and the Sweeney Todd goes against the

flashier to save the, to save the rec center that the big bank is trying to close down. Yeah, you know that scene in Sweeney Todd where old man Carruthers is trying to shut down the rec center and Sweeney Todd is like, not today. Come on, teens and Sweeney Todd and all the other teens get together to save the rec center and they have the shave off. Yeah, I remember that. And if I remember correctly, there was a little bit of comedic nudity in that scene. Little bit. That's a light tasteful comedic nudity. You know what I would do next time is just get all the barber, tell them you'll pay an exorbitant tip and get all the barbers into the place to work on you at once and pretend you're in like a montage, like she's all that style or like a Dorothy in the

Wizard of Oz, you know, upon their arrival to the Emerald City, that kind of vibe. You know, yeah, that, yeah, that one. That's the one. Could we get them to do sort of pay all the barbers to cut each other's hair in like a circle? And then you just look at who's got the best do out of that whole, a whole thing and then you have them. Well, you have the person immediately, but well, shit, that's the problem in it because you'd be like, oh man, Michael, it's you, you've got the best haircut. Oh wait, who did you? And then a few of the boys are going to raise their hands and it's like, one of y'all's lion, more than one of y'all's lion, only one of y'all really cut Michael's hair. We're going to have to cut Michael

into three pieces with the Miss Solomon. Is this, how is this not a reality show or like America's next top barber? How is this not a thing? Guarantee 100% it definitely, definitely, definitely is. Right? This has to be a thing. I really like the idea of a barber being sad that you didn't pick them. Like, oh, I wanted to cut his hair. I wanted to work for 30 minutes. We call it barber, barber, barber. Uh-huh. And the host would be Barbara Bush. And Tiki Barber, who I think is a football player. That is a fucking dynamic, dynamic duo. Like guys, sheer, sheer genius. Ah, there it is. Sheer genius. TM, TM, TM, TM. No, no, no, no. TM, the Bravo Network. Oh, I thought you just came up with that whole. Yeah, damn juice. I thought that was a Justin McIlroy Ridge. Yeah. I wish I

could cold scope something like that out of nowhere. No, it's like an exist, an extent Bravo property. Um, hey, I, how did you all pick your hair person? I went to Cameron Esposito and Rhea Butcher and I said, who cuts your hair? Yeah, that's exactly, that's exactly the right answer, Travis. There's many answers and a lot of them are kind of right. That's the only undeniably right answer. And the fun thing is now, uh, my, my barber, Pony, uh, at Folklore Salon here in Los Angeles has a Cameron Esposito and Rhea Butcher calendar, like promotional calendar. So every time I get my hair cut, like I'm just like staring at Rhea Butcher like, yep, that's why I'm here. You did great. Great job. I, uh, I, uh, usually I'll go to my man's sunny at Fantastic

Sam's, uh, sorry, my man's sunny at master cuts up at the mall, but a lot of times I don't have time to go to the mall. So I'll go to Fantastic Sam's, which is really a fucking wild west of haircutting. I'll just walk in and like throw my arms open, like I'm Scott stabbing as well. Who wants, who wants to take it on? Who wants to ride the tornado with me? And everybody just rushes, they pile on each other to get to you. They want to get their hands in this beautiful luster's mane. I'm actually now, now that's been sun kissed. Can you imagine when I go in there, the fucking stand there? I'm going to have to call the HPD ahead of time to give them like a heads up. Or it's going to be like that scene from 300 where everyone's just piling on top of each other to

form a human shield. Is that a thing that happens in that movie? Probably. Um, you could have these two barbers each cut one half of your head and then look at yourself in the mirror and say, I look ridiculous, but I should have made a choice. But and then you leave and then you become riffraff the rapper man riffraff. Oh, I'm actually the new riffraff. I'm so terrified of at now at almost 33 years old, having to find yet another new barber when I moved back to Cincinnati, that as part of my like move, I'm already planning to fly back to Los Angeles whenever I can to do like work stuff. And I think I'll just schedule all my haircuts while I'm here. So that way I can just keep getting my haircut in Los Angeles. And even as I say that, it sounds like the bougiest

thing I've ever said. Yeah, yeah. I saw that coming early, you know, travel, like as you launched into it, I thought, Oh, this is going to be pretty bougie. This is really a bougie thing to say. Yep. I'm traveling to Los Angeles to get my hair cut. Are you guys using pop filters? Because when you say, do she, it sounds like you're saying something else. How about another question? I live in a building with several other apartments. And is this from an apartment? I live in a building with several other apartments. And my neighbors are constantly putting their own junk mail in my mailbox. Fucking sap. Is there a good way to get them to stop from Nate in New Hampshire? Everybody? Okay. You know, like this information on moving boxes, Nate with like

information on boxes. Here you go, Nate. Yeah, fuck, Nate. That's the question, right? That's a real question behind the question, the sub question, the sewer system of this question allows the system to this question to operate. Would you do Nate? What Nate, what Nate doesn't tell you is when he has a full bag of trash, he just throws it in whatever window is open in his building. It just decides he's done with it. Hey, Nate, what'd you do bud? Because you did something or else this would not be a coordinated effort. But yeah, it would be evenly spread out. But the fact that everybody in the building is like, Hey, we can all like listen, we call the meeting without Nate here, we can all agree. Fuck Nate, right? Right? Yeah, yeah. No dissenters.

Everyone's on board. Okay. What did you do, Nate? What did you do, Nate? Hey, Nate, what'd you do? Well, what didn't you do? Because that's another good one. This might be no mission thing where maybe Christmas rolled around and everybody gave like $20 to like get a present for the super and you had no idea and you didn't chip in and everybody had to pay for you. And everyone's like, Nate hates everyone, including the super and the super cried a lot. Because you know, he seems tough when he's fixing your pipes, but he's very gentle soul. And everyone went, I can't make, I can't believe that he made Super Dave cry, because that's what they call the super. And then, and so now everyone's just like, Nate is a cruel Abany's or Scrooge type and I don't

trust him. Yeah. And then, and then after Christmas, New Year's Day rolled around, they took the decorations off his Christmas tree and he just left it the stairwell. That's another thing. Also that and a cop fire. Yeah, a cop fire and a whole building burned down. Stupid, Nate. Nate, I'd like to introduce you to a man named, his name is Burke Plimpton. He lives in your, he lives in your building now. And there's two sort of defining characteristics. He's got a big pair of glasses, big nerdy glasses and a big bushy beard. And he's got the mailbox directly under yours. And also one more thing you should know about Burke Plimpton is he's you, Nate. What a great poll Harvey. Wait, hold on. That thing you did there.

Is this like a fight club thing? It's like a new mailbox thing. And then Burke Plimpton is going to, is going to, well, I don't know, maybe Burke Plimpton is going to have to be even more of a villain to get this. They're not going to deliver Nate's mail to Burke Plimpton is the problem. Well, not at first. What if, what if Nate reinvents himself as Burke Plimpton, beloved, beloved elderly neighbor? And he's just walking around like, I made two mini snickerdoodles. Would you like some? And then like, I, but it sure smells like dog shit and Nate's apartment. I never met him, but I hate that. Fuck. Yeah. He's got to hate Nate. Yeah. I think we can all agree. Fuck. We're just strangers learning each other's likes and dislikes,

but I think I get a pretty strong fuck Nate vibe from you. And you know what? I'm on board with it. I'm going to stuff all of my advertisements for the local grocer in that sad fuckers mail slot. Wait, did Burke Plimpton take Nate's apartment or did he rent a second apartment? Yeah, I rent a second one. I mean, the first one. I mean, the first one. It's my only Burke Plimpton pad. Damn, Burke Plimpton's place is better than my place. I wish I could just live in Burke Plimpton's place. I wish I was, but everybody likes Burke Plimpton. I wish I was, but you are Burke Plimpton. Sometimes I don't even know. Sometimes I don't know when he begins and I begin. You know, when I was masquerading as Burke, I met a really sweet lady named Bula. She's a 70,

so she's just six years younger than me, Burke Plimpton. And I think I could have a real shot of happiness with her. I think we could have really something really special. Hey, Nate, this is me, your wife. What are you talking about? Okay, but that has nothing to do with Burke's life. You're not Burke's wife. That's Burke's law, baby. You can't talk to me about Burke's life. You don't see a ring on this finger. That's your right hand. Yeah, that's the one. Yeah, Burke's European. Yeah, Burke's European. That's the one he puts it on. God. Bula would never do me like this. Him, Burke. Burke. Not me. Not Nate. Never, Nate. Here's one thing you could do. Go to your box and after you get your mail for that day, you put a little jelly

on it. Okay. And if you put some jelly on your mailbox, then the next person who comes to stuff junk mail in there, they're going to get a big mitt full of the goopy stuff. And I think that's going to be a real, a real down, down part of their day, I think. Now, issue with this, Justin, is if the next person- No issue. The only issue is that I can see is that if the next person that comes to put the mail in the slot, if that person is the mailman and they get a big mitt full of the goopy stuff, you've just assaulted a federal employee and you could, that's hard time, bud. That's a federal felony. Maybe Nate tried this already and that's why he gets all the junk mail. It's not his neighbors, it's just the mailman like, huh, fuck Nate, right, everybody? Hey,

everybody, I think we can all agree, see you at the Christmas party that Nate's never invited to. I love this Burke Plimpton guy, though. He gets extra good mail. He gets all of Nate's checks. Wait, hold on. And then you have to kill the mailman to keep it covered up. No one must know your dirty Burke Plimpton secret. I would suggest getting a trash can, put it under your mailbox and label it Nate's new mailbox. Please don't put junk mail in here. That's good. It's really good. Nate mailbox overflow. Nate's favorite can. Please don't steal. Don't steal. Don't disgrace with junk. This is Nate's favorite can. You can put a picture of your face on there just so people are really into throwing trash at it.

And also maybe shitting. Yeah, maybe they will shitting. Another question of Yahoo we guys want to do. How about this one? It was sent in by Morgan Davey. Thank you, Morgan. It's by Yahoo Answers User. Another anonymous user. Fucking stand in your truth, folks. I'm going to go down the list. Kelvin is a respondent to this question, but let's pretend like they asked it. Kelvin says, will the dentist be able to tell I smoke weed? I smoke weed every once in a while. I'm going to the dental checkup in two days with my mom. Does dentist know I smoked weed? Since I am 12, I think if he finds out he will tell my mom. Oh no. Okay, this got more complex about halfway through. 12 is probably too young. Yeah, 12 is too young for most things.

Yeah, most things. Most cool things. So, okay, let's let's establish some of the science. Okay. Up front, does weed. Yes. Do you think it's the most fun stuff, like the most fun stuff ever? Teeth are porous, right? Two porous. So, definitely there's weed smell in there, but I don't know how confident, as a dentist, I don't know how confident I would have to be in that weed tooth smell to look at a 12-year-old's mom and say, hey, I think this, I think this pretends smoking some of the kind. I think he's been hanging out with the sunshine, man. You know what I mean, and I think you do. But if there's one person in this world who knows mouths better than it, like your dentist knows your mouth better than your lover. Yeah, that's for definitely for sure. Because your

dentist is not only up in it, they're looking so hard at your teeth, and they might even be able to see that you've been smoking weed. They might just look at your porous-ass teeth and be like, there's microscopic weed in here. I see little flakes of that kind, kind. Have you been smoking? Oh, Miss Kelvin, your son has been smoking weed. What? Yes, but the bad news continues, he's been smoking shitty weed. It's really bad, bud. Bad weed. This is shitty weed. Have you not talked to your son about good weed versus shitty weed? Do you want to buy good weed from your dentist? Because we can make that happen. Is it possible also, it's just like the teeth are very orange. It's like, this is too many Cheetos for an unintoxicated 12-year-old to consume?

How many crunch wraps did you have? I don't think the dentist will be confident enough in his diagnosis to bring it up to mom. I do think though, that if it was me, I would work in sneaky ways of hinting to the kid that I knew because I want this motherfucker to scare. Okay, so how would you do this? Well, we just need to schedule you for a follow-up. Would you be free at 420? And then the parents would be like, that's not ideal for me because I would have to pick them up after work and it would conflict. Yeah, I think Calvin's probably busy too. That's the weed time. That's the time that all of us get super high as a family. Oh, okay. Oh, my jokes are ruined. Thank you, mother. I also think that as a, I doubt that

there's a dentist in this world who like, if they figured out one of their kid patients with smoky weed would not only like, want to say something, I don't think that's a dentist's job at all. I don't think you take a dentist's oath that's like, and if you figure out that that kid says that you have to say something. Like, I don't know that there's a dentist's life who feels obligated. It's more like, yeah, kids smoke weed. Well, I'm a, I don't care. Like, this doesn't affect me at all. But if the stink is so overwhelming, that kid just opens up their mouth and it just like, my first apartment's carpet. Like, they, I feel like immorally, ethically, the, the, what's the, what's the code of do no harm and

also NARC on your kid, on your kid patients. I don't know that dentists have to take that. No, the Hippocratic oath. I don't think they have to do anything. I think I was a dentist. I have a dentist appointment next week. I'm going in and I'm being like, did you take the Hippo? Because I don't want you in my mouth. If you're not like prohibited from doing harm, because you could do mad harm in there. Griffin, I tell you a secret. I tell you a secret. They just rent the space. It comes with the tools and the chairs and the diplomas. They don't have to worry about anything. They're all up in there doing as much harm as they want. Then I'm going into every dentist appointment right now on with a fucking, with a holy Bible,

King James edition. I'll be like, put your hand on this right now and give me the Hippo, because you're not going to get in my mouth until you give me the Hippo. I'm going to start doing it. You should actually be doing that with all doctors. Yeah, I don't know. How the fuck are you? Swear to me. Swear to me you're not going to kill me. Like, they saved me from the boat accident, but I'm horribly injured and I'm in the ambulance and I'm like, hold up. Got a pocket King KJV. Do the Hippo. Sir, you're bleeding a lot. Do the Hippo. Do it once.

If you're the kid, just fucking stand in it. Yes, I did. I was very stressed about coming to the dentist. Is that not understandable? Yeah, I was very anxious about this visit. So I guess I did listen to this statistically at this point. If the dentist is like, do you smoke weed? Look at him like, did you? All right. Fair enough. We're done. I think we should take a quick trip to my zone. Tell me how paranoid about the Hippo now. Do doctors have to do that? Like before they graduate, like they walk on stage to get their diploma and they're like, all right, here it goes. I solemnly swear to do no harm.

They also have to list off all the doctors before them that begat what doctors before them all the way back to the first doctor. It takes a wicked long time. Yeah. Yeah. Well, whichever one had their white coat. Yeah. They get the, they find out what the name of their white coat is and then it goes all the way. Yeah. They have to take it as part of their like indoctrination ceremony. Like when they get there, it's like the last thing they have to do. So they have all done it theoretically. All right. But Dennis, I'm fucking watching y'all. I want to take a second to talk to you all about Warby Parker. They support our show

and they're offering contemporary prescription glasses starting at $95. Prescriptions sunglasses start at 175 including lenses. They make buying glasses online easy, risk-free and enjoyable. My wife, Sydney, just needed new glasses and we didn't even have like a promo or sponsorship or anything going with them at the moment. And I said, we got to do Warby Parker. It's really fun. You go online. You look through all the different styles and then they have this home trial program where they order, you order five pairs of glasses. They ship them to you. You trial the frames on and so you can actually see what they look like and then you buy based on how they look, which ones you want to actually get to give them a shot, then you ship all the

frames back. Wait, I have, oh, guys, let me try this on. Tell me what you think and Warby Parker, if you like it, you can keep it. Your face and Warby Parker glasses, I ship that. And so do they. Okay, that's, um, what's that? Hold on. I think maybe you didn't, I think maybe let me try it again. No, no, no. I'm just going to get through this. Trial the frames on, get a feel for them, get feedback from others and you know what, they'll actually give you feedback if you tweet at them and they'll tell you what they think. Because ship can have two meanings. Is that clear? Go to Warby Parker, that's W-A-R-B-Y-P-A-R-K-E-R dot com slash my brother

and start your risk free try on experience today. That's Warby Parker dot com slash my brother. I ship that and so do they. So it's pretty much anything, anybody that ships anything, huh, Trav? Well, no, no, listen, I'm giving it to Warby Parker. Okay, because the next sponsor also ships things. I need you on your best behavior. I'm going to tell you about Blue Apron though, because Blue Apron is really great. We all use it. It taught me how to cook and cook some really amazing meals, including this, I don't know if you guys did the Korean chicken noodle dish with like those big rice noodles. Holy shit. Oh, you're missing it. I had to give my Blue Apron away.

Oh, dude, it was so good. Anyway, for less than 10 bucks a meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home cooked meals. I'm talking about stuff like Spiced Pork Burgers with goat cheese and cucumber corn salad. Talking about summer vegetable quinoa bowl with fairy tale eggplants, shishito peppers and corn. Talking about chicken tinga tacos with summer squash and tomato salsa. They're so very, very good. The ingredients are all, you know, fresh and they can be flexible depending on what your dietary preferences are. It's so great. I adore Blue Apron. You can check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free with free delivery by going to blueapron.com slash my brother.

You're going to love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home cooked meals with Blue Apron. So don't wait, blueapron.com slash my brother. Blue Apron, a better way to. I have a, okay, I'm just going to put this tagline out there for Blue Apron. Blue Apron, now you're cooking. This is the new, this is the new jingle. This is the new jingle. This is the new service I provide. Do you want another shot at Warby Parker since that one was so bad? Not specific to them at all. Yeah. Oh yeah, okay. Glasses half full, but half the price. I was going to say that. That's so good. But the thing, the problem is that makes it sound like they just ship you one lens and one glass.

Oh, that's right. See the world through rose colored glasses. No, that's nothing. How about just, just see the world is really good. That's pretty good. Yeah. All right. Because if you don't have the glasses, you probably aren't seeing the world very good. Yeah. I got a Jumbotron message here for Anthony and it's from Jason who says, Happy birthday, buddy. Hope you enjoy a shout out from your favorite brothers. We seriously got to play some disc golf while the weather beautiful. There's no, there's no punctuation, which I fucking adore. I was reading a New York Times article about how the period is over and just like pretty soon we're all just going to communicate

and beautiful poetic EE Cummings-esque run on sentences like this one. Happy birthday, buddy. Hope you enjoy a shout out from your favorite brothers. We seriously got to play some disc golf while the weather beautiful. I love it. And it's a celebration of life and sunshine and summer and summer boy and Anthony, you do seriously need to play some disc golf while the weather beautiful. What the fuck are you waiting for? What the f- Gather ye, gather ye rose buds and six sling ends while ye may.

I have- Falls are coming and behind that it's the, that dastard winter. Listen, if there's not a disc golf for the afterlife, I ain't going. That's all I'm saying. Who's this message for? It's for Josh and it's from Jill. And Jill says, Josh, it was just your birthday. Jill wanted us to wish you a happy birthday. Here's to another year of love, Hamilton and me undies.

That's from your number one lady, Jill. And Jill says, I'd love for this to be on the May 2nd episode, please. Well, Jill, it's important to want things, Jill. That's what keeps us going. But just because you didn't get what you wanted this time doesn't mean you won't all the time. Now, I do like that Jill says it was just your birthday, which speaking in the broad expanse of time is very true. Compared to like, you know, the prehistoric era

and the time it's taken us to get here from there, this was just a minute. You know, if the entire world was a calendar, the entirety of time was a calendar, we would be in the last 30 seconds before New Year's and we would have just missed your birthday by like, I don't know, the time it takes to blink. We'd still be very late, though. Yeah, still would be a long time because that's just perspective and not really a scaling or changing of time. Welcome to Cosmos.

Welcome to Dumb Cosmos. I'm popular idiot, Travis McCoy. Welcome to Cosmos. Welcome to the Cosmos episode that explains how you missed important things. Use this anytime you need to justify being a shitty friend. I'm Hal Lovelin. I'm Danielle Redford. I am Michael Eagle.

And we are the hosts of Tights and Fights, Maximum Fun's newest podcast dedicated to all things wrestling. We'll be talking about Sasha Banks, the women's revolution, Sasha Banks, the brand split, and Sasha Banks' wigs. And we'll also be talking about wrestler fashion. Some wrestlers wear too many clothes. Some wrestlers don't wear enough clothes at all. And I'll be doing impressions of all your favorite wrestlers.

New episodes, Thursdays on Maximum Fun, or wherever you get your podcast. So yeah, dig it. I'm a good boy and I always say my pleases and thank yous. However, I have never been able to commit to saying thank you seriously. I always dip my head or say it in a silly voice and it attracts for the genuine gratefulness I'm trying to convey. Brothers, how do you give people the thanks they deserve? Thank you in advance.

Lots of love, Johnny from England. I think you read that wrong. You think you read that wrong, Justin? I think it should have been like, thank you, thank you. Thank you in advance. This is better, it's arguably better than the way that I say thank you, which is if somebody like, somebody, why don't you two like pretend to hold the door for me?

Okay, I'm doing it. Okay. What do I say after you? Yeah, I would just be like, thank you. Like it just kind of, thanks, thank you. I just kind of whisper it, just kind of make the moves with my mouth. Yeah. But it doesn't, thank you, thanks.

I'm so sad that I know exactly what you're talking about and I do the exact, like where I just can't, my mouth wants to make the word, but like my heart is like, please don't speak to another human being. Thank you, thanks. Yeah. Are you a parcel tongue? What are you doing? Harry Potter, thank you for holding that door, Harry Potter.

Yeah, this is, I mean, this is a problem I think most people suffer from, because otherwise, like, hey, thanks. Like that's not, that's not the right way to do it. Well, here's what the problem is, right? What are you saying when you say thank you? Well, you're saying I'm in your debt. Yeah. I'm indebted to you now.

I mean, you're, I'm a debtor to you. That's very hard to admit to someone, because you immediately have to make it up to them. Maybe instead of saying thank you, you can immediately say what you're going to do to counterbalance it. So you will not have any debt. Like you, someone holds open the door for you. You say, I'm falling into your car and I'll do the same there.

So that way you'll be like, even, I'm going to hold the door open for you at your car. Let's go. Or, or you, if maybe you don't have time and you just say like, now I, if you ever need anything, you call me and you hand them like a business card with just like your name and phone number. It's like, if you ever need anything. Well, on the business card, it just says,

thank you. So that way you've like, Thank you. I've done it. You win a better one. It is. Okay. What's better?

Thank you. Silly voice. Or someone holds the door and you just go, hey, thank you. No. This is, this is, this is why hats were invented. It's because it's like cowboys. They didn't fucking thank in, no. They didn't say things out loud.

No. Because when you do that, you're distracted and they, whoop, gun you. Gotcha. Yeah. What they would just do is just a little tippity-do, a little tip, typical now. And, and, and then that's all that you need. And I miss that. Oh, maybe that's what happens.

Let me pitch this Griffin. Someone like, you're both heading for the door. They get there first. They open it. You kind of arch one eyebrow, tilt your head to the side and do a slight nod as they have to say, you win this one. Okay. Right.

Like you just say nods like, I would have held the door for you, but you got here first. Well played. See Travis, when you said raise one eyebrow, I thought you were kind of going like, what's your angle? Hey, what are you, what are you trying for right now? What traps have you laid in this building for me? No, you go, well, hold on.

What if they want you to think that they want you to go first? Hold on. But inside there's really treasure that they want to get to first. Damn it. They're all inside my mind. That's where you just turn around and walk away from the door. So if someone gets to the door and holds the door open for you, just go, no, not today and you just walk away.

Well, first you stand there and you try to read their intent. It's a psychological, it's that Yomi, that psychological warfare. What are you, what are you doing, my opponent? No, not today. The only way to win against a true Yomi master who's playing in the Japanese style is to just turn and walk away and leave them to their duties and their business. Griffin, do you have someone to pop filter on? Because when you said yo-yo master, it sounded weird.

They might also be a yo-yo master. Can you start following them around like they owe you a life debt and now you're bound to them? And then eventually word would get around it like, oh, don't do anything nice for him because he considers it a life debt and then he'll like stock your house and protect you from intruders and what have you. That's good because then you can learn true independence for once in your life. You know, what, because the world's not going to give you things. So people shouldn't give you, listen, the world is a cruel place

where people are constantly trying to convince us that there are no unicorns, right? And so if everyone keeps holding the door open for you, you'll never learn to hold the door open for yourself. That's a good point. How do you even open doors? I don't know. Some, there's, each one has a different sort of rule set about it. And it's like, can't we just get, what's the deal with doors?

Can we not just get together on this one? Some of them go out, some of them go in. You push, you pull, who even knows anymore? I saw a car door went up, shut up, stop it. Roman Mars says that if there's a revolving door and you use the one next to it that isn't revolving, then you're a monster because they're so efficient and great. Can I, can I ask you a question, Justin?

I've been meaning to ask you this for a while. Uh-huh. Why don't you just go do a podcast with Roman Mars? Um, if he would have me, I would love to, to, to get over there. I have a lot of good ideas for like, not like this show, but like this show, like smart stuff. You know what I mean? Like real thinkers, not like, I can't stress this, not like this show,

but like smart, like, area-dike podcasting. That's, I feel like my true calling and where I really feel like my light's under a bush. Justin, do you want to do like a weird back door pilot for smart stuff with Justin and Roman right now and just like, give us a topic you might discuss on smart stuff? Yeah, like, I'll give you an example. And this would be like co-hosted by me and Roman. Okay.

So I'll kind of leave blanks for his part. No, I can do, I can do Roman. No, let me, I'm just going to leave blanks for his parts. Okay. You don't even want to hear my Roman. No, you can try later, but I'm just going to leave blanks for like the Roman. Hey guys, it's me, Roman Mars. I'm going to steal your brother.

Got him. Okay. That's kind of, you just have a grover vibe. So it'll go something like, it's kind of, remember, it's like an erudite kind of smart podcast. Like, yeah, yeah. Like a podcast where you know the host knows the word erudite. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That kind of thing. So here's, here's kind of what we'll go like. Okay.

Please. Hello, everybody. Welcome to smart stuff. I am your host, Justin McElroy. I'm joined as always today by Roman Mars. Roman, what smart thing are we discussing today? Uh-huh. Oh, I see.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Speak on that. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Huh.

Now did it? Oh, Roman really interrupts you a lot. Yeah, he's being a real turd. When's it Justin's time to shine? Huh. What? And then. Oh.

Well, folks, that's all we have time for from smart stuff today. If someone can get Roman Mars to cut out this bit of the podcast and actually try and fill in the blanks there, that would be fucking stellar. So that'll be, but it'll be basically like that. You know what I mean? Has anyone made a companion podcast called 1% Visible that just fills in the rest of it?

Just think about that one. And it's just like, don't believe a word this guy says. These are fucking lies. Look at the sidewalk. Don't worry about it. It's hosted by Rip Taylor. Look at all the things you can see. Buildings are big.

Buildings are so big. No, mine was the guy from the B-52. So I apologize. I think I got into Fred territory as well there. And now my favorite recurring bit, Kim Trails. So 1% Visible would be a very good name for a conspiracy theory podcast.

Yeah. Look below the iceberg. It's more iceberg. You got another one star review on iTunes. Trails? I'm on to you. How about another Yahoo? Yeah.

Let's do it quick. So I'm sitting by Julie Kim. Thank you, Julie. It's by Yahoo Answers user. Sorry, something's gone wrong. No, I refuse. I'm going to refresh. No.

Parbomol. Parbomol for my neck. It's mostly long. Parbomol asks, how do I get back into the zoo? He's just passing by and asking you. He left the zoo accidentally. Funny story.

I was at the zoo, saw some turtles. They were doing it. I looked around to see if there were any kids around. And when I saw none, I jokingly made some hip thrusting motions. About three or four times. My friends thought it was funny. You had to be there, okay? I know I didn't.

That's funny right now. No, you are painting me quite the word picture. Well, some security guard didn't and threw me and my friends out. Said not to come back for three months. Thought it was a bit of an overreaction. Should I just wait the three months out? Or actually go back and say something?

There's a lot of good stuff here. There's no way that's true. This is like, I think if we could push Parbham here, I feel like Parbham would be like, okay, when I said three or four times, maybe I met like 40 or 50. Like it was continuous

and I humped the security guard himself. It might have been a half hour of sustained helping motions. I mean, there might have been a lot of kids around. Yeah, and also I was making like Jack Black set hand motions. Like, you know the ones.

I was just into the enclosure and was doing it behind the turtles. With my dick out. Inside, inside. And maybe like a knife in my hand. The greatest fiction of this question is that the sort of person who would make

suggestive hip thrusting motions at turtles having sex could also simultaneously be the sort of person that checks to make sure they're not children around before performing it. I want to make this hilarious bald ball. Hmm, any kids around that want to appreciate my

hip sensibilities. These adult themes I'm about to joke about. No, well, here I go. The character I like even more in this story is the security guard who says, well, looks like you're on a time out

so you could learn not to make sex motions. Three months. So November 15th, I don't want to see you around here till November 15th. And then you can come back. Who's this person who's like, I want to go to the zoo more frequently than every

three months. Well, now it's a thing. Like when the zoo's there every day and you can go anytime you never want to. But as soon as someone says, no, you can't, that's when you want to go to the zoo. Yeah, you want to bang out those quarter lease, but now you can't. I mean, think about he's going to miss the birth of that baby turtle.

Yeah, that's what he wants to get back for. The live birth of the baby turtle. The live staged birth of the baby turtle and all the pyrotechnics that comes of this mistaken a half shell. What in what? Okay. One, I don't think

those are within the powers of security guards. I don't think they could just hand. I mean, they can say it. But like, I don't think security guards just hand out bands like that. Master list. Is there is there a zoo president who's like, no more not for three

months. I saw your dirty deed so decreed that's I mean that's fair. That's a good point. I guess if anybody could ban you from the zoo I here's the thing. I went to the Cincinnati zoo about a month ago. I'm pretty sure

not a fucker who was there that they could tell you my name. Like I wasn't like introducing myself to anybody, right? They're not checking IDs to bust you. Just go back to the zoo. How many. Okay. What zoo has this this comedian attended that has enough security guards

that there's a security guard watching the turtle enclosure? What are you going to do over there? Maybe this is a recurring problem he just had enough. Listen, we know those two turtles like to fuck. We get it. Turtles fuck all the time. We get it. We cannot keep those two

turtles apart. I know. That's a hard job to hire for, right? Because like the job duties involve spraying down these two turtles with a hose when they get too randy and too loud, man. Turtles yell. Problem is you really got to be careful because I think there's like a 1% chance

you will hire some sort of reptilian nasty boy who loves it, who loves the stuff. The thing is that both the turtles are guys and the guard is super conservative. So it's like, yeah, there's nothing funny about this. What's happening here? This is an abomination.

You know, I think it is also a huge misjudgment of human nature that the sort of person that makes funny turtles having sex, I can't I'm just trying to be snide about it. I cannot think about the person doing this and not

laugh. No, it's good stuff. It's funny, but I don't think that like, I don't think that you can tell someone like that, that they have to change in three months. I don't think that you could just like tell the sun not to shine in that sort of sense.

It's like this person to like deny their nature. This guy is the Lenny Bruce of turtle sex hit motions, you know, he got drunk down. He's a martyr now. He's a hero to like everybody who's ever gone to the zoo and seen animals doing it and they wanted to comment, but they know that like

in our, you know, puritanical society we're too tight to acknowledge the fact that like we're all animals. You know, we all do it, right? But this this one and I'll say it hero. Like he was he was willing to be to be the

voice that we all feel we don't have to say like doing it's funny. I get it. Doing it's great. Doing it's great. That's me. I'm at the zoo just yelling at the turtles doing it's great. Is it possible you had a look on your face that made it seem as though you were pretending that you were up in there that you were it's just like

turtle on turtle on you action and you're like kind of having a little bit of a fantasy right there in the middle of the zoo because I would probably dance away for that. I get it. If you didn't commit to the joke enough, you're you don't want to come to come back for three months because I'm retiring in two and a half and I just don't want to deal with this.

I can't handle this again. Thank you all so much for listening to our program. We hope you've had enjoyed yourself and had a pleasant time here in our company. Thank you for everybody who preordered our card game monikers. You should have that in

your hot hands by the holiday season. So we're really looking forward to that. Thank you for everybody your support on that front because it was really it was great. I wanted to say over the last like month or so basically as I've been preparing to leave

to move back to Cincinnati, I've been guesting on a lot of podcasts that everyone should go check out. I was just on an episode of Jordan Jesse go that was so much fun to record like we all left with headaches from laughing so hard to go check that out. Did an episode of Allison Rosen as your new best friend that I had fun

doing. Did the linoleum knife with Alonso and Dave where we talked about movies and I gave my review of Pete's Dragon like that just went up yesterday. Did less than live with Kate Leth where we talked about

like comic books and stuff. Yeah, I did a whole bunch. I'll update TravisBackward.com to have a bunch of links to all the shows I did but go check that out. I also wanted one more plug. We just changed the format of Bunker Buddies to make it a lot

more like segments and trying out products and reviewing like survival food and that plus the interviews with guests and I'm a huge fan of our new format and so if you've never checked out the show or if you checked it out and you're like this is alright but maybe it's not for me

I would love it if you could give it another shot and check it out and see what you think of the new format and then let me know what you think of it. You can find all our shows on www.shows.com too. We got a lot of programs that we make for you. You can also find a bunch of other great podcasts on MaximumFun.org. Talk about shows like

Jordan, Jesse Go, Travis Mention talking about shows like Can I Pet Your Dog and One Bad Mother and Baby Geniuses and Stop Podcasting Yourself a bunch of good shows up on there. I'm going to thank John Roderick in the Long Winters for the use

of our theme song. It's a departure off the album Putting the Days to Bed. It's a good, good album. We appreciate them letting us use it for our theme song and I want to thank everybody who's sending questions for our CISO show that we're making. We are going to start making that in September.

We're actually going to film it and stuff and do it and make the thing and we're so excited about it and we're going to have that for you real soon and so go get up on CISO oh take my wife just went up on CISO it's so good. Cameron and Ria's show

fucking fantastic. There's a lot of really, really great stuff on there that you're really going to love and then we're going to be on there pretty soon. So yeah, thanks CISO and thanks everybody who's sending their questions. Excellent. Griffin, do you have a final Yahoo for us to enjoy?

This one was sent in by Aaron Keese. Thank you Aaron. It's by Yahoo Answers user Hoadman Perfect. Hoadman asks Our old school Dora hats back in style for the upscale businessman or just for the fringe

My name is Justin McElroy I'm Travis McElroy I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me kiss your dad, square on the lips Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture Artist owned Going into a bullseye interview

I know it's somebody who does amazing work, but it's an actual conversation. I don't know where it's headed Hey, this is the straight talk that you're going to get on this show. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm in therapy. I think you got more out of you than the therapist I went to twice

Bullseye Creators you know Creators you need to know Find it at Maximumfun.org Or wherever you get podcasts