My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 317: Jimmy Buffett's Betrayal-ville

Episode Date: August 22, 2016

This is not the episode you want to listen to if you're hoping to renew your faith in humanity. Each of the boys lost something dear in the week leading up to this recording, but none so much as Justin, who lost the act of love itself. Suggested talking points: True LA Crime Stories, Good Trash, Porno Kite, Reconnoiter the Driveway, UNO Moriarty, The Worst Day of Justin's Life

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, welcome to my brother brother, I mean vice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. And me, I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Gather ye round children. Oh god. Oh geez, here we come. I have ye a story to tell. Are you gonna talk about the true crime that happened to you? I'm

gonna tell you about the true crime that happened to me this past fortnight. It was like a couple days ago. Okay, we gotta stop right now. Is this a horror story or is it a true crime story? Because you're kind of doing both things. I tell you, Griffin, it is a true crime story about the horror of humanity, the dark passenger that lives in almond souls. Okay, so I submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society. Travis lost some furniture. The story of the missing patio furniture. Her tale of this tale through campfires, but it's telling has been I swear it happened to a friend of a friend of mine. I thought that this was internet creepy pasta like a slenderman. No, it's true. The patio furniture was stolen.

Teresa and I, when we lived in our last apartment, had to set a patio furniture. We moved to the new apartment. There was no room for it. So we chained it together with our bikes in front of, like in our covered parking space. You made a little theft hunting pot of the two most desired to be stolen things, patio furniture and bicycles. But we covered it in a tarp Griffin, which seemed to remove it from that's just gift. That's gift wrap for stealers. We shadowed it from the world and the world could not find it behind the tarp in which we hit it to keep it safe from prying eyes. And so now in our move, we've decided not to take any of that shit with us. So we sold the bikes in like 10 minutes, but we couldn't seem to get rid of the

patio furniture. Now this patio furniture was all chained together in an awkward way, stacked at top one another. We were gone for about an hour. We came back. It was gone. We were very frustrated, but at the same time, we had been trying to get rid of it, though for money, not for free, not for no money. So I was perturbed to sounds like you lost a really good chain and tarp as well. I was most I just bought a heavy duty lock for like $25 that I was going to use on our storage unit. And I was using on the chain and that was stolen. And that was a bumming out more than anything. That lock was not two hours old. So I took the dog on a walk, hoping that maybe I could like, I guess scope the furniture sitting in someone's front yard, the perfect crime. And I

did not find it. And I got back to our apartment and there was a dude like chilling out on our steps of our apartment and he lives in the building. And I was like, Hey, you didn't by some chance, like, see a truck pull up and like take some patio furniture. And he was like, what color? As though as though there were a bunch of patio furniture. I saw some red furniture getting talc. Was that you? I saw some yellow last week. Was that you? And so I was like, well, the patio furniture was black. And he was like, Oh, it's in the back of the building. What? And I was like, in the back of this building, he was like, Yeah. So like I walked back there, still changed together. It was behind the building. So someone had moved it from our

parking spot. I guess ostensibly to plan on breaking apart the chain later. Yeah. Or maybe the fact that you left a fucking eyesore out them. It was a covered. You could not see it from the street. A cover didn't make it invisible, Trav. Trav, you couldn't see it from the street. The only way you would have known the furniture was there was by walking into our parking spot. What do you talk? Okay. But like, it's an eyesore. I mean, it's not, they probably weren't worried about the beautification of our parking spot. Then yes, it's an eyesore. I'm saying is that I said, that's never part of anybody's landscaping. I don't care if it was a tarp or covered or what the property brothers are never like. And now we got a really

nice tarp out here for you covering some things we can't sell. Like that's not, well, they don't show that on the show, but I guarantee you there's like, there's always a tarp put just like tucked into every corner of every property by this house. And you're not allowed to look under it. Whoever did this just changed from a horror true crime story to a hero story because whoever did this had to work very hard to move this big chain together bulky furniture thing. I'm talking about a John Henry size two cows stacked up. Like that's how big I'm talking of a man or a woman or a person just like grab all this furniture and threw it behind. It must have been really hard for them to do it. And they only did it because you made such an ugly thing. You made a really

ugly thing in the world. It was not that it was a beautiful sculpture of furniture and chain that they ruined. And now that furniture is sitting in my living room because now I'm like Howard Hughes and I don't trust the world and I can't put it back out there or it'll just be gone. And maybe this time I never find it again. You want to get rid of it. Yeah, but I want to get rid of more money. I'm an American Justin. I want money for my goods and services. How much I would really like to know like unless you need patio furniture in your home, what is step two after stealing a bunch of patio furniture? Like where do you go to buy stolen patio furniture and where do you put it? It's not going to get scoped. Fucking pure one imports.

A lot of people don't know what pure one imports. Is that what the quotation marks are on imports? Yeah. If you actually rearrange the letters in pure one imports, it's stole Pia Pia Pia. So. Which is Missy Elliott for patio furniture. Yeah, just stuff to keep in mind. Everything in pure one imports is stolen. You take it down to Jimmie at pure one. He'll fence it for you right quick. Whenever someone says it fell off a back of a truck, it's always a pure one imports truck. Yeah. That's true. They have the worst trucks in the business. I just want to say I wanted to make a point that this is Travis's final bim bam that's going to have that like Hollywood sheen. You know what I mean? I've gotten really used to all of our stuff having

like that Hollywood sheen and we're about to lose that for good. And I'm glad we're getting in like some of this true Hollywood stuff under the wire. Like the time that someone moved furniture that Travis left outside. That's the kind of stuff that only happens in LA. Travis, can I ask you a question? Do you think it was Tom Hanks who did the furniture move? Griffin, can I tell you? It leaked of Tom Cruise. Like Tom Cruise. There's one thing I know about Cruise. Loves patio furniture. I am just so grateful to Travis for reserving this story for us and not selling it to this American life or risk or another audio store, the moth perhaps like audio storytelling for actually, I'm going to do it on song exploder.

What a departure for them. Yeah, it's a you can really pick up. It was just too juicy. Yeah, it's just too they couldn't pass up the opportunity to break this story. Hey, give me a question, please. I got one for you. I got one for you. I got one for you. Hyping hot. I recently came home to find my garbage can and recycling bin sitting in the street. Whoa, how about this synergy? Normally, I would have just attributed it to the wind, but my neighbors were placed perfectly upright back. There's a possessive there. This is not describing the position of their neighbors. Their neighbors. My neighbors are standing perfectly in the middle of the street. Our neighbors who are sealed in a giant Tupperware like that one

episode of Area Indiana were placed perfectly upright back where I remember seeing them in the morning. I thought my relationship with the folks picking up my trash was all right, but this has me rethinking that. Have I angered my garbage man? Can we get back to where we used to be? That's just from North Bay, Ontario. Wait, what? Hold on. I don't know. Wait, I don't know that I've ever given two thoughts to what my current relationship with the garbage people collecting my garbage is. Cool. Wow, that must be a fucking relief considering I probably think about it once a day. Really? Oh, I'm not a homeowner. Are you kidding me? You are both homeowners. My dumpster gets removed and put back without my knowledge every week.

My relationship is such that I put some really, I put some off the grid stuff out there. Things that like I don't expect them to take, but they always do take it. And then sometimes there's like a lot of boxes because I got on a wild tear and started ordering a bunch of like garbage from eBay, like a bunch of like FMV games from eBay. And there's like boxes upon boxes out there. And I'm so certain they hate my guts that well, one obviously, as everyone should, I tip them at Christmas time, just run out there and hand them a little, a little bonus to get their beaks wet. But I have actually taken to, oh God, this is embarrassing. I've actually taken to when the garbage man come, I take my daughter outside and pretend that she loves garbage

trucks. To try to like soften the relationship, like she waves to them and they wave back. And I think there's no way they're going to be mad at me anymore after this one. I would like to be on the car relationship side of that, where they're just like, we're never coming back to the, oh, a little curl. All right, one more. All right, one more. We'll come back, we'll do them one more day. I go really hard on bulk trash pickup day, so much so that I've stopped getting the flyers telling me when that day is. What is this? I don't understand. Well, trash pickup day is just like, it's literally just anything goes. That was the original name of it. It's like a couch day.

Yeah, just like fucking whatever dog throw, throw your life away day. And so like, I get worried that they're just going to stop coming to my house. And so I have a big pile in my garage of like good trash that I will put on top of the bad trash to try and entice them into grabbing my can. So like underneath, I'll spend all day throwing away old onions and stinky peppers and all kinds of stuff, just compost and old racist newspapers, just like putting all that bad trash in there. And then on top of that, I'll layer like the box of an imported perfume and I'll put that on top. And so they open it and A, they'll see it and be like, this is some good trash. We love this guy. And B, if they want to just take that good trash

for their own, then that's not how it works. Well, if they just want to stick it to their backs, like the trash people in the labyrinth. Yeah, to make themselves bigger and more protected than then they can do that. Or like, no, I think they would take it and they go back to the trash offices and then they show it to all their friends like, look what I found today, boys. It's in a perfume box. I don't even know where it's from. I think Azerbaijan. Now they get fixed every day. So that that would be important. Oh, we can't leave. No, no, no, you don't leave with the nice trash, but you can, you know, you can hide it in your locker and show it to your friends. Maybe what you want to do to fix this backup is to take Griffin's plan one step further. And when

they lift the lid off the trash, you just spread some bills around the top of the track. Like, there's just some like 20s, maybe a 50 or two. Yeah, be careful though, because they don't always open. Here's the thing about garbage mint people. They don't always lift the can lid up to see if you've hidden good trash in there for them to take home to their wife and child. You're gonna have to hang, you're gonna have to hang a note from the tree. Money and money in this. Yes, but it can't say good trash because then everybody would come get it. Damn it. So it's not only that, if they don't open up the lid and you throw away all those bills, you've done a federal crime. You have to do a secret code that only the garbage will understand something like

bad trash too stinky for all. Yeah. Avoid it all costs. Banana peels, wink emoji. For trash eyes only. Yeah, because that's what they, that's what sort of like script, like they bring home. How many cans did you bring in today, Roger? And Roger's like 400 cans. It's like, damn, here's 20 banana peels. And that's how they pay them. Oh, that's the company store? That's the company store. And then you trade in the banana peels for uneaten bananas. So it's like a one in one out sort of that's solid. Yeah, dude, like all the nannies you want essentially. My relationship with them has improved to the point. I'll tell you how it fell apart. We have an instead of bulk trash pickup day, we have like you call the city and say, Hey, listen,

once a month you can call and it's like, no questions. Yeah, nastiest you can get just like whatever. And a lot of times like furniture that I'm getting rid of our place because, you know, we did that thing when we first got married, it was just like buying like whatever we could cobble together at Target or whatever. And then we're like, okay, well, this is falling apart because it costs $20. So I needed to dispose of it. And I left it out there and then called the city, but I left, I put it out there on trash day. And then the trash guys took it, but I'd already called it. I want to say, no, no, no, this isn't for you. I understand. This is like above and beyond trash. You don't have to do this. You're better than this.

Don't take this heat. You can't stand this heat. I know it's probably just you coming back with a different truck later, but like, don't take this heat. You can't handle it. But then they did. So that's how I got mad at me. Can we take a second to address the fact that like, if you work at all in like the trash collection industry, you are a fucking hero. Yeah, I don't know how you like, I don't like to touch my own trash, let alone the trash of hundreds of strangers. The very idea of trash makes me very sad, like, not sad, like, oh, look at all this trash is being thrown away, but that I have to deal with it in my own home makes me sad. And I wish that there were a robot to do it for me. So the fact that you like do it and take that

heat for us, I just want to take a moment if you're listening to know that I appreciate you. Now, hey, actually, if you are listening, maybe we get a new segment out of this like weird trash stories. Like what's the weirdest thing that anybody's ever thrown away that you've ever collected? Just write in with the subject line trash stories. And I don't want to hear it if you're not in the industry. Yeah, I want to hear from people who are like in the biz or have been in the big one point send us a JPEG of your own personal treasure horde of the great trash that you found over the years and you've just kind of squirreled it away in your den. If the trash comedy minute works starring Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen have taught me anything. It's that trash

people go through the trash, they show like funny things they show to each other. Love that. Then they I think get wrapped up in like maybe a kidnapping or some kind of they probably get kidnapped crime syndicate. I can't remember what happens in that movie after the point where they're rummaging through other people's trash. Yeah, like I know there's funny stories. Dude, I don't know. It's fucking funny though. Yeah, one time I had a trash can that I hated and you can't get rid of trash cans you hate because you're gonna do put them in a bigger can. It's ridiculous. So one time when there was a windstorm, I saw that my trash can had been blown across the street and down a steep driveway into like my neighbor's backyard and I just thought this is

good. Jesus take the wheel. Jesus take the wheel. Three days later in what I it is honestly like kind of infuriating but obviously it was a miracle. They kind of like they brought it in. They found it on their doorstep. They're like oh little fella you seem to be in need of a home. You're gonna be our trash can now. Yeah and I was like oh thank god I can buy new better trash can because I hate that old one but I still kind of resented it because they didn't try to find an owner. No, no. They didn't go door to door knocking. Just one day go over there and just like that's mine. Yeah. Do you want a yahoo? Please. This one's sent in by Morgan Davy who sent in so many fucking amazing ones that I feel like we need to give them a title.

And I think that Morgan Davy's yahoo gravy is like we could refer to like the ones that they sent in. Okay I love that. I think here comes a dollop of that Morgan Davy yahoo gravy. It's from yahoo answers user sorry something has gone wrong has this platform just completely collapsed? Does nothing on this fucking platform work anymore? This is the last this. I'm not kidding I think they're just I think they're slow pulling it slowly falling slowly like the movie wants. Anyway, George Gunnt asks has anyone invented a pornographic kite? What? Has anyone invented a pornographic kite? I think it would be a great idea. Imagine how excited you would be to teach a child how to fly a stupid kite if you know there's going to be boobs

on it as soon as gods grace it into the air. I would pay good money for a breast kite. And I think that's I think that's close mine I think we could do any sort of pornographic material on the kite. Yeah I feel like boobs is just so let's not say that let's just not say the word. I bosoms I think bosoms is far worse is far to A to B let's A to C this stuff let's A to D it you know what I mean like let's make a deck on there or or I'm saying full on like scene. Yeah no it'll be a scene it's it'll be a scene Trav no matter what this porn kite is gonna be a scene. But here's the thing Griffin I feel like the question asker is only envisioning a printed on scenario I'm saying this is a kite shaped like a pornographic scene.

See okay you you've really jumped from A to D there Trav because I think we're not even on we're not even on B yet so let's start the B is for bosoms. Okay I think it's just a kite with a pornographic scene on it and if you fly a kite that has nudity on it at a park or a beach or an airport don't do it in an airport actually I just thought about it you're gonna get sucked into the jet well or at the very least you'll get tangled up on the wing and then we you're flying around outside of the plane. It's gonna be one of those two though. Oh there's a little prince costume. Yeah one of those mission impossible ghost protocols. Sure. And so you're flying a kite and it has nudity on it and then I think nobody could really get mad at you because it's all it's all

the way up in the sky and you can be like you can't even prove that's mine it's way up in the sky. They're all waiting for it to land to prove that it's pornographic and that's your challenge to keep it up in the air until they all go home. You're the only response like I think you could have a pretty good cover is if you act like it surprised you but you don't know what to do now. Oh come on come on get back down here this is ridiculous. I swear when I went up it had clothes on I don't know what happened. It blew it the wind blew its clothes off oh man. Oh I like that move. I mean I think the wind come on. I'm saying the easier sell is if it's all the way up in the sky you can disavow ownership of the kite because it's so far up there nobody how can you prove

that this is mine. Oh like it's in the stratosphere like oh it's this this kite belongs to God now. Right I might be holding a string that is tethering the kite to terra firma but that doesn't I don't own it it's so it's so it's so far up in the sky you know what I mean like if I if you have a porno balloon and you let go of it it's this it's it's in the sky I can't own this. They actually can't arrest you either because that crime is happening in the sky so as we all know it falls under avian law yeah and they cannot arrest you for that because you're on the ground yeah you're out of their jurisdiction like they can kind of like look like the bird cops can kind of look at like these guys. This tastes fine. I think the best porno kite you could have rather than like obviously

a lintricular scene that evolves as it flies through the air that would be amazing. I would like to see kind of just like a naked man who is aware that he's flying so he's sort of like so he's like living two dreams at once like wow why is this happening yeah lintricular material I think will be too heavy to catch for to take flight unfortunately yes but I think we could get the naked man dream going. It's as he has his arms up over his head like Superman. Yeah and it's a human-sized kite and the background is clear so like you just looked up there it'd be like holy shit Superman done lost his mind. Now the thing is Justin I'm gonna say my worry here is it's not pornographic enough. It sounds like it's just because there's nothing pornographic

about it. Well it's just nudity you know what I mean like that's that is a nude kite. Well you gotta give him a facial expression that looks like he's up to something. I don't know yeah I know it when I see it you know and that certainly has a look he certainly has a look of like surprise at flight but also maybe he's cranking his hog. That's one thing that could happen. And maybe that the hog crank sort of mechanism is attached to the string and so you can really just get it going. Broom that's not the kite sound but kites don't have a sound. You wind it up with the rubber band real tight before you let it go and then once it's up there it's just like off to the races. And when the rubber band runs out it just drifts back to earth and that's the end.

Everybody go home the kids get out of here. I think my favorite part of this question is the word inventing because I would like to see that laboratory. I'm just saying invented is a weird way to put it. When was the last time someone invented any kind of kite rather than just like making a kite. Doug Funney's dad invented the fighter kite. That was the most pornographic episode of Doug by the way. Yeah that's true because then Mr. Mr. Fink was that his name? Frank? What was his fucking name? Mr. Funney is Doug Funney's dad. Well but then he had the weird neighbor who was also an inventor who was like Mr. Dink was like yeah let's put some dogs on there. And then Roger Klotz is like sexy kite Funney. Griffin you've been hiding a perfect Roger

Klotz under a bush. That was a really good Roger Klotz. I'm gonna crank my hog to that later Funney. Well hold on. Well watch me crank my hog Funney. Oh no no no. No not like this. No this is ruined. I recently moved into a shared house and have several new roommates. Four of us own cars but there's only one parking space in the driveway which has been claimed by the person who was lived there the longest. I've read the place I've lived was the tree of the driveway like a first come first serve. As the newest member of the household I don't want to rock the boat too much by questioning the validity of their claim but it hardly seems fair they should have the driveway reserved for them based on seniority while the rest of us battle for street parking.

Is their claim acceptable? Do I risk creating drama by bringing it up added info this person isn't someone I want to pick a fight with. They're opinionated hotheaded and controlling. That's from powerless Parker and Portland. I've been watching Deadwood for the first time and let me say this about V7 claims. You best watch out about stepping on claims because that's how you end up getting pigs. If anybody says that they want to reconnoiter the parking space. Yeah you ain't gonna reconnoiter shit dog. Don't do it. You're gonna get flung. I have a plan for this person. I've been playing the Game of Thrones board game. A lot of HBO sort of dramas are sort of informing our strategy this time. In the Game of Thrones board game there's

victory tracks and if you want to hold the iron throne you do it through bidding with your power. So what if rather than like you all bid money to see who gets the parking space and when the person who wins that money goes to buy dinner for the other people in the house. Are you fucking kidding like to here's what you'll get either one nice dinner or not have to street park for a year. Well but hear me I'm not done at any point. Well let's say after a week anytime after a week someone can call a new bid to order. Maybe they've had like a bonus at work or they had like a really good sale or they sold off their Xbox so that they go park at the driveway and they call a new bid and so everybody bids again and it's constantly up for grabs. There's

going to be a lot of power struggle. I don't think it's going to make things easier but I've watched a lot of Game of Thrones and I think it's going to be a lot sexier a lot more exciting. Yeah there's going to be a lot of intrigue a lot of whispers. Someone's going to be probably killed. Little birds little birds. They're doing their thing. Here's tonight building off a trash is bad idea with a good one. Well it just needs to polish. Well allow me what if you put a price on the parking space. So you said hey listen I want your parking space. I'm willing to pay fifty more dollars in rent per month and that is a trickle down benefit to everybody else. So you can either take fifty dollars off that person's rent or split it up with the rest of the house.

Everybody's winning and you're just flaunting your affluence because if honestly you don't want first come first serve that's a nightmare. You'll never leave the house. All your ideas have been bad so far. Okay. The right answer is all of you sell your cars. Hold on. This is a little gift to the match I griffin. No no no. Well you haven't let me fucking finish. This would be like if you get to the match I was like I need a watch band. I love my hair the end. No you sell your cars you put all that money in a pool you buy. There's four of you. Yes. You buy four scooters right scooters are much smaller much more fun to ride very usable in Portland. You have a scooter race and then whoever wins the race gets to use the driveway

but if you buy their car back and they try their car back you have to everybody else who oh that's it Justin we're doing this shit for pinks. They see you do the scooter race whoever wins gets to all the scooters can sell as many scooters as they want to buy back a car that then they get to use in the driveway and nobody else has cars anymore so you don't have to worry about parking them on the street. So you know in the in the uh short live HBO series vinyl there was I don't actually I didn't actually watch final. Okay I could tell you guys about entourage there's an episode where Vince buys everybody a car does that help you. In a television show big love a very tall man loves a very tall woman as well just very much and it's sort of

like a good romance story and so just love each other and just like the car thing will work itself out. That's beautiful. That's really good. Beautiful Griffin. Did who's the okay I do have to say though you entered into this house understanding this arrangement. I don't know if the fault lies with you for not understanding the politics before you moved in or the fault lies with the others for bringing in a usurper. You probably had a look about you of a usurper and the fact that they would still bring you into their home maybe that maybe the blame is on them I don't know that they should be screening better for usurpers. At the very least you I don't know I just feel like some kind of monthly rotation. Yeah there you go. That's nice and I mean that's good. Something

where it's just like we all acknowledge that this is because right now this is so non-mutually beneficial and so ironclad like this this person is a despot this person who has been there the longest and says the car is mine is a despot and must be overthrown. Hey how about you just hey listen come close how about you just fucking park just I like park there what are they gonna do yeah then hell you don't like my car there go outside and lift it tough guy go outside and pick it up and move away it sounds like this person could do that because they're very big if they do that then they earn the spot they deserve it and then that gives you a reason to go get cut so you can lift their car up oh I like this he becomes a strong man competition exactly um what if it's Brock

Leslie's only just eats the car that's another whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa eat his car if you eat his car piece by piece at a pace at which he will not recognize it's happening and then one day he goes and he parks his rear view mirror out there and he's like man this thing just doesn't have the get up and go it used to you eat that last piece and he's like I thought I had a car I guess not and you are dead but there is a good thing that you could park there whatever you want just real quick dad just texted all of us um ask it's just saying that he's about to make a jungle gyms run and wants to know if we want him to pick us up any food uh can can can you uh text him and see ask if they have any instant horchata I would just love a bag of that okay I had some at the

beach and it was top well that is well that would be for you so I think you could probably swing that maybe when we're done recording I'm gonna I'm recording a podcast right now Travis says a bag of pig butt holes so this is we're having a lot of fun with this text chain with our dad I'm gonna I'm gonna put a corollary on Travis uh uh that he wants Cajun flavor yeah but make sure you blast those butts um let's uh go to the money job I want to tell everybody about how I sleep I have a little pillow shaped like a crunch bar that I nestle into my arms uh it's a nestle's crunch bar for nestling in my arms that's a super weird way to do this the the do your sleeping I think well I used to have a log shaped pillow

but I just upgraded to this crunch bar pillow this log shaped pillow you sorry just a quick aside you used to take it with you traveling everywhere and you would sort of hang it from a strap of your backpack and when you did that and I do not want to get blue here folks but it was like um it was like uh a like diagram of a scrotum with testes that they might have at like a doctor's office or like maybe they would bring it to like a middle school to like teach boys about like sort of their pizzone down there so so clinical was this diagram that Justin would take with him just walking around like his backpack had truck nuts as he went to you know E3 or Pax East or what have you uh yes that's true I did have truck nuts for my backpack but now that that part is

done with um and uh now we've moved on to the crunch pillow anyway this is like not the point but the point is I'm sleeping on bowling branch sheets and they are the most comfortable best sheets that I've ever slept on in my entire life whether you're a four-hour night type or more like a 10-hour night type bowling branch makes getting a good night sleep possible with their super comfortable sheets and they they don't just sell sheets they have a they have duvet covers they have uh so much great towels sheets blankets everything and here's the best part if you go online to bowlingbranch.com that's b-o-l-l and branch.com they'll let you try and risk free for 30 nights if you don't love them you can send them back you have nothing to lose if you go today you get 20% off your entire order

if you go to bowlingbranch.com and use promo code mybrother you'll get 20% off your entire order they come beautifully packaged they are the best sheets you will ever sleep on I guarantee it so go check it out bowl b-o-l-l and branch.com promo code mybrother Charris tell me all about trunk cloak because I know you've been getting your fashion game right so we all like pants right I I disagree with the whole sort of premise of your assertion so listen here's the thing I was recently talking with people about this whole cargo shorts thing we're not going to get into that here but I was talking with people about fashion and somebody made the claim of like I don't care about fashion fashion is not important to me

and listen right I understand that I feel the same way I don't know two shits about fashion but I went into trunk club I did like a fitting with a stylist and what I ended up with and I can't stress this enough the best-looking and most comfortable pair of jeans I've ever owned in my entire life like I don't I don't know what it is about them but they both look great and they are my favorite pair of pants to wear and so that was my first kind of view into the fact that maybe this fashion thing is onto something and it's not just about looking good but it's also about feeling good so if you've been away from fashion because you don't know I got two words for you trunk club what trunk club trunk club you can maybe make it into one word but that's not what it is

anyway it doesn't matter what it is is you go on trunk club you tell them what kind of clothes you're looking for and what kind of events like you would wear them to for work for parties for outings for fancy occasions for doing podcast live shows and you tell them like what your style is and they're going to come back at you with some amazing suggestions they're going to ship it to you you're going to try it on you're going to keep what you like you're going to ship back what you don't and you're only going to pay for what you keep it's it's an amazing deal and it's it's like having your own personal stylist because that's exactly what it is like I was going to make that into a simile but yeah you just do have a stylist when you ship the clothes back to them that you

didn't want to wear do you include some like fun sized candy bars with it to just be like hey thanks thanks for trying I just put some bills in there um so we're all just kind of about just like giving money to people who were afraid we've upset for some reason yeah we'll upset in the future I don't want them to be mad at me because I didn't like that pair of pants sure so here's there's twenty dollars in the pocket and there's a three musketeers but oh it's melted all over all the pants are ruined oh god oh god please please not like this um and so it's expert advice amazing clothes and you can get started today by going to trunkclub.com slash my brother and when you do that you're going to type in your measurements show your likes and dislikes and you get your own personal

stylist when you use that code my brother so go to trunkclub.com slash my brother and get all set up today get your sexy on as mr. Justin Timberlake would say can you request a name if he forgot the lyrics so can you request the name of the stylist that you want can I be like I want I want someone named Trey to tell me what kind of vest to wear yeah I want to I want a Bernice to be like here's your vest Griffin and listen here's the coolest part for me if you live in Dallas New York Los Angeles Chicago DC or coming this fall Charleston South Carolina they have club houses where basically you can go try on the fucking kick in the door like where's Trey at where's Bernice I need some pants Trey um hey I got a personal message here uh we do Jumbotrons on this show

and this is one of them it's a message for Kristen and it's from Stone who says hey things are so good that I figured I would have the brothers relay this message I know you won't marry me but how about we start that perpetual engagement the ring is forthcoming but a jumbotron is cheaper so I started here love you so much and thanks for putting up with my shit during D&D um and I really hope that Kristen and Stone are in some kind of a relationship that doesn't make this weird no it's probably good I mean they're their fellow D&D players so well they definitely know each other but maybe they've never had any romantic entanglement whatsoever or maybe they have I don't know what that noise was I'm sorry it wasn't the noise you made and I

I tried to match it but it came out different Stone we hope you got the desired reaction from this message that you did it did for yourself and for Kristen I have one for Mike and it's from Skittles Joe uh who I thought was only on still buffering but I guess he's crossing everywhere oh god he's crossing over get the blasters Mike I'm glad you survived your second fight with an SUV I hope the miracles of modern medicine have helped you get your bones back together and your lung completely elicited I look forward to many more years of your friendship your wonderful puns and your mockery of the Welsh I hope these words in the macro brothers give you a laugh hey Mike want to buy a duck I hope they don't give you too big of a laugh

if you're if you're working through some lung stuff man I hope Mike didn't die man I hope cool no come on shoot I just do I do I know but that's a that's a you know what I hope Mike never dies well I hope Mike lives forever I mean if Mike's taken on two SUVs and been fine I think he's kid tested mother approved at this point I don't think you blow Mike down with it yeah uh dims on mr glass by the way if we've gotten unbreakable yeah for sure well I think Skittles Joe is going to be the mr glass here except is because his bones are like a bunch of Skittles you know those commercials where the guy touches the stuff and turns into Skittles that's what Skittles that's what his bones are like oh poor guy also he's Samuel Jackson does not play him in this one

unfortunately couldn't get him this is Samuel M Jackson the next one in the alphabet yeah New York City listen up your fellow max fund listeners and hosts are gathering at Stewart Wellington's new Brooklyn bar and you're invited you probably know Stewart from his hilarious movie riffing on the flop house but did you know he's also a small business owner it's true join Stewart and a ton of new max fund friends at the hinterlands bar on Saturday august 27th at 7 p.m. you can find more information at bit.ly slash maxfun hinterlands see you there hey do you guys want a yahoo hit me so I'm sitting by level 9000 yajurjurjurjur Davenport thank you druids by yajur answers user Kobe now that is a yahoo answers website page

that loads good and right we got two advertisements they're both loading they're both animating it's going fucking great uh kodi asks kobi asks is it normal to get aroused by the sight and smell of garlic bread wow this is a really sexy episode so I was at the dinner table eating garlic bread with the family and I started to feel a tingly sensation down there and I asked to be excused to go to the toilet and I pulled my pants down oh man really if you are a kid if you are a kid please turn that please turn the pot sometimes like we do live shows and like 12 years old come up to us or like thank you for the thanks for helping shape us and I'm like fuck that's not great but okay um but seriously it's a crime if you don't turn it's entrapment if

you don't mute the podcast for the next five seconds I asked to be excused to go to the toilet and I pulled my pants down to find I was completely drenched whoa I don't think this is normal what should I do what I'm like this for the cheddar bay biscuits at red lobster I get there yeah I get there and it's shrimp fest I get so excited for shrimp fest that I forget that it's always cheddar bay biscuit fest and then I'm just soaked god just soaked through garlic bread's really good sometimes if it's that if it's that like Texas toast garlic bread where it's just like you're eating a frisbee sized piece of bread and it's lightly garliced on top like fuck that shit before talking about some knots with some herbs in it and some garlicky cheesy butter in there

there's a wild variance in quality of garlic yeah like oh you really don't know what you're gonna get this is an important question Griffin in the yahoo answers question you just read had this person begun eating the garlic bread or had the garlic are where they just like anticipating the garlic bread uh they were eating garlic bread okay okay that was important because I was gonna say that this is an unfortunate experience if if you feel this every time you anticipate garlic bread and then you eat it and you're like whoa that didn't deserve that there's a lot of unfortunate things about this Travis um namely like you can never go to Olive Garden well you can go to Olive Garden once you better plan your day though you maybe maybe have a whole exit maybe do it on a birthday

or something before you're 18 but do it on a birthday and just have it be like a really nice special day and you just like know going in this is the the first and only time I'll ever be allowed inside of an olive garden you'll you'll know if you find someone with this condition if you're a olive garden waiter because when you ask them what they want they're the ones who stare off into the distance for 10 minutes yeah like oh what a question oh what what what does one get a normal life the any uh what does one get at their one visit to the olive garden oh what a what a question how any special how is the spaghetti could I have the garlic bread and a garlic bread sandwich and garlic bread with spaghetti on top of that please and a privacy curtain

and maybe like a couple bibs I would humbly request that rather than bringing the bread first as is a come practice I would ask that you bring my meal before the bread and perhaps the check and then clear a pathway for me if you offer any andy's mints uh I would request that you deliver those to uh mine table uh before the bread portion of the meal and now I will not remove my mask and one more one more recommendation just before you do bring that garlic bread make sure to contact mall security ahead of time I will go willingly but I don't want to love hey this this Kevin this Kevin that's talking to you right now will go willingly garlic bread Kevin the fucking no rules just right is that your thing I just spit fucking coffee in my face you asshole

um I got a whole situation here for real though garlic bread is really good so good usually oh I know the answer oh and they might kill it listen yeah who answers question answer kobe this might kill you but it's the only way you're gonna get through this you're gonna have to go through immersion therapy oh god you're just gonna have to like spend a long like bank holiday weekend eating garlic bread non-stop by the end you will be super dehydrated yeah well yeah you got to be in a bathtub the whole time but also learn how to uh make garlic bread yourself you'll have an advantage there because you'll always be the first one to know it's done that's a good point yeah it's a good break wait hey is it done yet nope not yet I'll tell you it's welcome to the weirdest episode

of great British bakeoff ever oh man don't even let him in that tent that's a that's a bad bake don't eat that Mary Mary no god Mary Mary you simply cannot that's got a soggy bottom a soggy bottom it's a bad bake soggy front more like twice a month my family has a game night we usually play you know recently my cousin who's nine started playing with us when he plays he's always sitting next to me every time his turn comes around he plays his draw twos draw fours skips and reverses on me and I never get a chance to play and always end up in the last place because of his bullshit at what age is it appropriate for me to tell him to stop being a fucking asshole that's from last place with 479 points this is so

unbelievably good it's fucking bite-sized Moriarty yeah every turn just always ready to thwart whatever plans you cooked up a nice combo I lined up and he's well well well well well draw four hey Stephen do you remember when I was seven and at my seventh birthday you took the corner piece of cake draw four four I've I've been planning this shit for honing my uno skills for this moment here's the thing if this interloper this this little nine-year-old devil fish is the first one to put the to put the screws to you like this while playing uno you and your family actually haven't been playing uno up to this point that's because uno is a savage game about about hurting your opponents without reservation it's why it's called uno because by the end of it you'll feel

alone and unsafe in the world and like you're the only one you can trust yeah it's it's actually pronounced you know because now it's just like your your little nine-year-old just fucked you over on the battlefield and he's like and now you know now you've had a taste now you know what Toby can do that's sort of like that's about as good a pick as when uh I was at the beach with my in-laws and several cousins and uncles uh I thought it'd be fun if everybody played some werewolf oh boy um and just flash forward to an hour just a pure hour of everyone at the table calling everyone else a liar just like constantly everyone accusing everyone of lying for an hour there's a lot of really good vibes uh after that that sesh and then you went to Joe's crab shark then we went to Joe's

crab jack do we want to talk about the margaritaville um the harrowing margaritaville voyage that you tried to go on okay so I'm at the beach living the beach lifestyle like island boy do you know how he does it and we head over to Broadway on the beach uh which is in myrtle beach which was about a half hour from Paulie oh jeez you had to drive a half hour on this it was 40 minutes of the traffic my dude so we drive 40 minutes over there and first off we parked at the opposite end of the place from the margaritaville so I'm like oh fuck gotta get a good walk gonna be all sweaty for for Jim when I show up that's embarrassing on the drive over my father-in-law Tommy uh uh Low Country Tom tells me that if I uh the the last time he was at margaritaville uh

fucking he rolled up and the place was packed who's there playing a set well why is james god I would play a set so what my anticipation is already like off the charts it's like I've been eating garlic bread all day I'm out of control here flooded now have you just drenched now have you been to a margaritaville before just it was this your first experience yeah but it was before I went through the change of life oh I see which means becoming a dad and getting really into jumping above it so uh I I we walk through this place and it's sort of like if Jersey Shore like not it's not not Jersey Shore the tv show but like it's got that like boardwalk vibe but it's but it's you know in the sweltering miserable 95 degree heat of South Carolina and we're strolling

along I have to walk past a closed down magic quest which is like the saddest I know fucking brutal I had I walked past a magic shop that I didn't have time to go into because I was so hungry for some of that coconut shrimp prepared by JB himself had the magic shop absorbed all the magic for magic quests and that's why you know they thought it was a heyday they were like well listen there's a lot of wands over there let's go get our get our fill pick it clean like the vultures we are um so we get to to margaritaville it it is 5 30 somewhere I'm going to say the afternoon 5 30 somewhere and it's 5 30 there as well so I should have anticipated that five o'clock is the worst time to go to margaritaville obviously but we should have 5 30 my daughter is like

basically like dehydrated she's just a husk that I'm like dragging behind me on a leash and we're like dead basically we're like on the verge of death and I show up and I'm just I'm looking around like peeking around like I know JB's probably expecting me because he heard on boys on his way over I get in there they tell us to see our party we're going to have to wait this is not an exaggeration two hours whoa how many were in your party 30 30 baby 36 no seven people and a baby those are people too but like you got to specify that for a high chamber well okay you you explained the way actually earlier in the story and that is that Jim James Buffett the third is making all the coconut shrimp himself it is the only thing on

the menu which is kind of weird like they don't know how to make margaritas which is like he's obviously very successful he has people who do that for him but he can make a mean fucking coconut shrimp so you mainly just come in and you get the you get the shrimp no questions asked but it does take him a while to prepare them so two hours two hours of waiting two hours no way absolutely cannot do it and what's that like lurking over my shoulder behind me you guessed it fucking joe's crab shack the second choice like we're always second choice American second choice yeah America's second choice and like I would have had to walk like if we didn't want to eat just crab shack we had had to walk all the way the fuck back up here to eat it like the Japanese

hibachi place at the murder myrtle beach Broadway on the beach like no not happening it's got to be judge crab shack we would have died we wouldn't have lived I get in there they're playing uh uh matchbox 20s oh not one of the good ones like my fate yeah no actually my favorite one and I'm like whoa this is this is pretty okay I sit down I order a crab pot they put a bib on oh man and I'm gonna say something like this guy's a quiff it's it wasn't dick class resort great oh sorry this is judge car shack they put it one on me it says shrimp and ain't easy okay so they do write on them it did write but they didn't it didn't say this guy's a real but I'm they all I didn't realize that I'm the only one at the table that ordered a dish that um that necessitated in a bib and I'm

also the only one at the table who is not living a life in which physical fitness is a large component oh no put it in a ginger way so it's like it literally looks like they they have to I don't know a nice way of saying this the I'm shaming myself here but I'm the only fat one and I have a bib and claw crackers that they brought special for me literally 20 minutes before I did not need to be living this life for 20 minutes before the food arrived they addressed it like very early on in the meal I was drinking a huge uh glass of blue drink that had a shark filled with a red drink that I poured into it called a shark bite there was a limit two on those on the menu it said wait was it a was the vessel the shark vessel full of red liquid was it a glass shark

no sadly it was a rubber shark that I done that I did my uncle Michael did steal it though so that damn I can't leave me anything on this the worst day of Justin's life you couldn't leave him anything no he stole it for John he didn't just steal it from Joe Scrabshack um so uh just when I think he should change his name in case they're looking for him Justin just when I think this could not get any darker uh JB has abandoned me just to recap JB has abandoned me I'm wearing a bib that says shrimp in any easy I'm the only one there on it this is how many people on it uh another facet there is a guy making with a balloon hat making balloon animals table to table and I can just see from his orbit that he's like about to collide with planet j-man and I'm like this

cannot get any fucking worse and then over the radio Tracy Chapman's fast car comes on in the Joe's crab shack I love this fucking song I do not want that and like jalapeno slammers to be in the same zip code it is uncalled for that I should be subjected to Tracy Chapman's beautiful dirge of pining and longing for a better life that she'll never arrive than when I'm sloppily eating Cajun crab legs out of a bucket with a bib while a balloon dipshit hovers and waits for his moment to pounce it was the worst day of my life but the desserts were okay three out of five stars and a s'mores thing and this concludes my yelp review and and then and then we went to the gilligan's island goofy golf the only yelp review said that the every time this guy goes there's

someone pleasuring themselves on the sixth hole and he said that's a must what's up what was the sixth hole it was nothing there was nothing there there was no one pleasuring themselves but there wasn't a particularly sexy bunker no but it did I mean it made sense there was a shack that said garlic bread except the sign had been like painted over so obviously it was no longer available yeah which maybe explains that but um yeah so that was that was the basically the hardest day of my life and and I blame jimmy buck why isn't the media covering this is what I want to know where is the media that's what I want to know give lock the a break for a second he'll be there okay he's not gonna swim away he's good trust he's gonna keep on fucking up so just like wait till

tomorrow just come give me a day in the light give me a day in the light just my day at court that island court you wouldn't sue james would you who would you know I just want I just want a a small I mean give me a list give me a kill bill top five list of people who wronged you in this story starting with number five until he gets up to the main the main offender okay number five myself I did agree to go and I knew that it was in myro beach yeah um that's not really one of island boys hangouts that kind of violates this whole chill lifestyle absolutely uh I blame the server for not recognizing me like the the greeter at jimmy buffett's uh margaritaville I blame him for not recognizing me from podcasting yeah how many times did you say the phrase don't you

know who I am uh just just the once but I thought that would be enough I said uh I'm about to shoot a streaming tv show uh sir that didn't um that didn't and I've made many jokes about my fan hood of james buffett so yeah can you call so number three james but I can't really blame him he can't be everywhere at once and the server despite my request the greeter would not call him on like the the the coconut telegraph or whatever they use to communicate with uh with with jimmy so that would be that would be your kill bill interaction there where you actually were interacting with bill and you didn't want to do it but you knew you had to yeah to give your life some kind of like closure right did you know if you cut a coconut open and you whisper into it he'll he'll hear it

but he might not always answer the way oh yeah yeah you're not gonna get you gotta look out for signs you're not gonna get the answer you want but you're always gonna get the answer you need thanks james number two number two number one just real quick god okay uh-huh obviously and I feel like tracy Chapman had a hand in this somehow tracy Chapman did maybe we swap tracy Chapman number two for just being such a talented heart-breakingly good songwriter yeah um rob thomas 2a yeah for not like for dropping the ball of matchbox 20 just like letting that whole shit maybe we're all to blame for matchup 20 not being the prominent force of media yeah why didn't we appreciate them as much as we should have everyone else that's not me every

review you read of their albums is just like I wish was why not why isn't it matchbox 30 or 40 and it's like can you focus on the fucking music instead of talking about how the number could be higher um we're smooth to the sequel to smooth we're all waiting good and god number one and I guess yelp for not telling me that there would be review I blame a lot of people yeah side out do you guys feel like matchbox 20 is like getting some heat it's getting some heat again a lot of people are talking about smooth a lot of people talk about smooth and I feel like we've rounded the bend like when merwin dwight started listening to billy joe's joke and then he got really into billy joe I feel like we're all making that billy joe switch yeah with with matchbox 20 we're

kind of appreciating that like they did have some pretty fucking good songs they did make a lot of sense like lyrically but there are still some pretty good tunes I've been on board with envy 20 since day one yeah I found them here's a little this might be controversial but as much as I love Dave Matthews band oh god I found matchbox 20 to be uh a solid if not better Dave Matthews band alternative like someone who maybe it's lactose intolerant and they only drink almond milk match box 20 is the almond milk of music do you know who do you know who was in Cincinnati last night just a scant month before Travis is to make his home there uh why it's rob thomas and counting crows I would have destroyed that show that's a good lineup it's a good lineup I would have crushed

that show what if those two forces get together and they start a band called matchbox 30 and the og crew of matchbox 20 is like yo rob yo bobby yo bobby tom what's going on you can't just do that to me and us the rest of the band matchbox 20 and rob thomas is like I don't even know you guys anymore but that's true because he's in a fugue state where he can no longer remember matchbox 20 and I'm worried about him did Carlos Santana cast a memory spell on him that's all I want to know and for a while he was just a show creator and he made uh Veronica Mars yeah and they were like come back to music and he's like I don't know what you're talking about I've always been a show creator yeah because of a weird curse that Carlos Santana he played the forbidden riff

um super quick update from the wikipedia page of matchbox 20 not reading any facts this time just want to say they have that timeline that shows when everybody was in the band and what have you and it extends to 2017 which I it's maybe getting a little bit above it's like the Mayan calendar of wikipedia pages like rob thomas I think will probably go on there and say okay yeah yeah probably I mean yes and then in February 2017 there's going to be the great cataclysm and but then rob thomas is going to get back in the group and be like guys time for the smooth sequel smooth two it's still a hot one it's a hot six engine from the midday sun it's a hot one again and you're still like the ocean um so this has been our podcast my brother my brother me it's an

advice show I would like to know if it's still a hot one though I mean go go warmings really just go and buck wild and I think it just like rob thomas has a sort of a responsibility uh I did want to tell everybody uh before we get into all the all the stuff we got to talk about real quick I guess this is one of the stuffs so um Wednesday September 7th uh 7 p.m uh Joseph Beth booksellers I am going in Cincinnati Ohio I'm going to be there uh moderating a discussion with the co-creators and authors of uh Welcome to Night Vale Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craner um that is should be really fun I really love um Night Vale and it should promise us to be an illuminating discussion despite my participation in it I'll probably be there too but I'll just be like looking at books

and drinking coffee and just like hanging out in joe beth yeah I've missed joe beth uh so that there's more information on that uh uh welcome to night vale.com and uh anyway that's 7 p.m. September 7th if you're uh around that area in Cincinnati you should um you should come on out because I think that it'll be um I think that it'll be really fun I personally I I think sure for me um yeah I and uh if you're around if you're in the Ella just another quick plug if you're in the LA area September 22nd our friend Kate Leth is gonna be doing a similar uh gig with them so should be pretty cool and if you're in the LA area right now just go to Travis's fucking place and get you some patio furniture I guarantee you're gonna love coffee I'll give it to you for

25 bucks that's you won't do it on the free skis huh um I want to thank John Roderick in the long winters for the use of our theme song into departure off the album putting the days to bed it's a great song great album um I want to thank the max fund network for having us you can go to maximumfund.org and just start listening to some good good podcasts like one bad mother stop podcasting yourself throwing shade um there's there's so many great ones uh that that I guarantee you're gonna love just go to maximumfund.org and check it out and we also have other podcasts that we do which you can find all of them at macaroyshows.com uh and you can find all like the video stuff we do there as well it's it's it's full of all of our content I also just want to say

you I also just want to say that we're like ramping up into beginning production on our tv show and just like as a personal note I'm super excited about it yeah I think you all are really gonna like it we've we've we've been trying as we've been like talking about it to think like what would our listeners like above all and I'm very excited about it I can't wait to get started yeah we're I think it's gonna be a lot of fun anything else boys um you like follow us on twitter no no we're not gonna do that all right here we go with the final yahoo but you could do that if you I'm just saying like you could final yahoo is sent in by morgan davies yahoo gravy boy I hope we don't forget about that by the next episode how could we it's from a non yahoo

answers user it's something's gone wrong column canada asks what is the relationship between emo culture and emo phillips it's just a macaroy i'm griffin macaroy it's been my brother my brother me kissing dad square on the flips maximum fun dot or comedy and culture artist owned listener supported i'm travis and i'm andy and we host bunker buddies a comedy apocalypse podcast every wednesday on maximum fun dot org we've got a brand new format for our podcast that we

hope you want to come and check out we try out products for your go bag we'll try out cheddar larvae and cricket bars so you don't have to we play would you rather and answer questions from the audience and we have great guests that pop into the bunker it's everything you love about the show and more come check it out every wednesday here on maximum fun dot org stay safe out there there's always hope and cheesecake