My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 318: French Butterfly Kisses

Episode Date: August 29, 2016

Another summer has come and gone without receiving the Once and Future Summer Jam, which is, of course, the sequel to Bob Carlisle's "Butterfly Kisses." WHERE'S THE HEAT, CARLISLE? We're ready, Bob, for the heat. Suggested talking points: Drop That BK2, Sandwich Guy's Gift, The Karate Dog, A Bonanza in My Can, My Favorite Star Wars, The Three Radio Voices That There Are

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Well, that's our show. Thanks for listening, everybody. Justin was supposed to start saying

stuff, and then he didn't. Why do I always have to be the one to start saying stuff? I don't know. Ask past you for the last 317 weeks. It has not been that consistent. I'm going to need statistics. I think it's been at least 308 of 318 times that you have been the one to introduce whatever our opening bit was. Travis and I and Griffin have been recording a remote podcast for 300 and some 1,000 episodes, and usually we're spread across the country like so much silt across the riverbed. But today we're recording a remote podcast when Travis is literally 8 minutes from my home. It is a level of, what do you think, content?

Dissociation, like, yeah, we just do it. My brother, my brother, me, Colin, we just can't. Well, here's the thing. Looking at the other ways, actually, it's not about distaste for being in Justin's presence, but rather a respect for Griffin, because what I did not want is for Justin and I to be in the same room making intimate goofs with each other in which we can see each other's faces while Griffin was like, what are you guys giggling at? Fucking tickle fights, fucking butterfly kisses after bedtime prayers, and I'm over here like trying to replicate butterfly kisses on my own cheek with like a Swiffer or something. He's practicing butterfly kisses on his arm

for when he finally gets to do it in real life. It's not the same. Try it with a watermelon. How is it? It's just more real. If you try to give a watermelon butterfly kisses. Especially if you put the watermelon into the microwave for a couple seconds first. Oh, yeah. Let it cool though or else you'll burn your eyeballs out of your head. I love this ribbed 2000s humor. See, I do French butterfly kisses, and that's where you get a little bit of eyeball on it. You just touch corneas. Just touch the cornea very gently. It hurts very much. But Tommy, what about a risk of blindness? No, that's just a myth, honey. Don't worry,

it'll be fine. Don't worry. But Tommy, it's below 32 degrees outside, and that's it, dead. End of life. I can't wait for Bob Carlyle to drop the sequel to bee kisses. Butterfly neckin'. Well, I just think there's maybe other types of kisses that you can do with your body. And I think, I mean, we could sit here and try and shoot the shit about what those would be, but I think Bob Carlyle's probably been at that for about 19 years now. He hasn't come up with anything yet. If there's an amazing sequel to that song, you know he's been digging in that deep water to catch that big fish, to find that one that got away, that sequel to BK2. Yeah, here comes the BK2, everybody. Check out my mixtape. I'm Bob Carlyle.

I picture Bob Carlyle walking up to Make Out Point or whatever and just looking in windows and writing down stuff on his legal pad, which is like, oh, excellent. Can I rhyme that? No. Albatross kisses. No, no, Bob. That's someone that, no, listen, albatross kisses. Here's how it works. Extend your elbows out. No. I'm gonna do little kisses. No, no, no, you roll up in the ball and you give everyone leprosy. It's really sad if you look at Bob Carlyle's Instagram. It's just a bunch of pictures of him in front of computers and in various studios with hashtags like BK2 about to drop. Yeah. BK2 coming along real nice. Can't wait to hit you all with BK2. BK2 is in the oven and it's about to pop out real fresh for you in 2016,

but the numbers just get lower and lower as you scroll back through the feed. It's like 2008, but BK2 is coming. Y'all get ready. Launch party. Check it out. Check it out. It got sampled in the latest DJ Khaled track. We shot it out and he played and it was like, Brazilian taper kisses. Like Brazilian taper kisses. I don't know. It's gonna be the kind of thing where it's just gonna be like over and like it's just gonna come out with no pomp and circumstance. It's just gonna drop one day and I was like, shit, did you know that new BK2 joint dropped? And I was like, what? I didn't read about it in the trades. I didn't know. I wasn't gonna know. I would have had a party. Carlyle and Bob's like, no, I'm not putting BK2 on iTunes. They screw me one too many times.

It's only on my space. It's a title exclusive. Did you know title was founded by Bob Carlyle and Jay-Z together for like the eighth time? Is this Bob Carlyle? Yeah, it is. So are you gonna join title? Here's the one thing. The only thing that I need from you is, no, I can't do it. No, we need BK2 to be a title exclusive. It's not ready, Jay-Z. I told you it's not ready. The world's not ready for BK2. Well, tell me this, Bob, after I mixed BK1 for you. I know Jay-Z. Tell me the animal Carlyle. I'm dying over here. Capybara. Don't you fucking tell, don't you tell his soul. You done did it again, Carlyle. You crazy for this one? Hove. No, that's, oh, if that, if that was all it was, Jay-Z, I've known Capybara for 13 years now. He's been haunting me in my

dreams. I've known it to him, but I just can't catch it. I have dreams sometimes when I'm standing naked in front of the blazing sun and there's a volcano behind me and I can feel his ash pelting down on the back of the nape of my neck and right in front of me is the Capybara ever elusive, darting in and out between palm trees and my kindergarten teacher. What does it even look like? I don't know. What's just there? I can't, I try to focus on it as like it fades into the midst. You just gotta Google it, Bob. Oh, oh, wait, hold on, yeah. Oh, okay, okay. How would that kiss? I don't know. That's, listen, you're the magician here, Bob. I'm just basically, you're Bob Carlyle. You're the musical genius here, not me. I know the animal. I just don't

know how to kiss like it. And according to Wikipedia, the word Capybara is derived from a tupi word, which means one who will eat slender leaves. And I'm wondering if I can sort of incorporate that into the kiss, like maybe you put some grass in your mouth and then you kiss your daughter goodnight. Fuck, no. Tragic news, tragic news today is Bob Carlyle has been killed in a terrible zoo accident. He leapt into a Capybara enclosure. Onlookers say he was attempting to Capybara kiss. Tragic strikes tonight. Bob Carlyle has choked to death trying to eat his daughter's hair. He said that's the only thing he could come up with that was like that.

And then he died from it. So it's very sad, but we hope we're good. I'm Harald Rivera, and I'm here getting ready to smash open Bob Carlyle's vault to see. We're pretty sure the demo for BK2 is in here. I'm joined by special guest JC, and we're gonna just smash open Bob Carlyle's vault. Bob would want this. Oh my God. Oh my God. Bob Carlyle is alive and inside the vault. Prestige. David Blaine. I didn't even know you were friends with Bob Carlyle. Hey, let's do some advice. Bob, if you want to come on the show at any time, just... Yeah, you'd be a welcome guest.

If you want to use this as a vehicle, they'd be BK2 like we are fucking so ready for it, dog. Yeah, we'll drop it right on here. Once or twice a week, I go to a small quarter store and get an egg and cheese sandwich for lunch. Usually there are two guys working there, one main in the cash register and the other in the kitchen or sitting around. I've been doing this for almost a year, so Kitchen Guy knows my order and will ask if I want the usual when I go in around lunchtime. One time Kitchen Guy wasn't there, so I had to get my sandwich from Cash Register Guy. The only thing is he made a noticeably better sandwich than normal. It was crispier, lighter, perfectly proportioned ingredients.

But that was only for one day. My regular guy is back, and so are the substandard sandwiches. Is there anything, any way to let Cash the man know it's true calling or should I suck it up and avoid rocking the boat? That's for the... Thanks, pick in Pennsylvania. The only way this could get better is if one day Cash Register Guy wasn't there, and so Kitchen Guy made him a sandwich and was like, all right, that'll be 356 out of five years to change. How did you do that that fast? Your fingers were sore. You got me my change so fast. That was crazy. You hand me my change in Mayan nickels. How did you do this? How did you pull this off? This is the balloons. You threw the change up in the air and the bills landed perfectly

in my wallet and the coins landed perfectly in my pocket. You've got a gift. Don't you do this to me, sandwich guy? No, you've got a gift, Cash, to your guy. Okay, so there's two guys there. There's Cash. I'm going to just call him Cash. And then, Cash and, what's the name for the Kitchen Guy? Oh, Kitchen Guy. Tango. Okay. So Tango, the Kitchen Guy, is not making the sandwiches how you would ideally like them. Cash Register Guy's better. Do you think... See, this is the problem with promoting up. And I've said this so many times. I bet you he got so good at the kitchen, and the boss was so impressed that he got promoted to the person manning the Cash Register, but this is the problem, right? You promote up and then you don't have the best people doing

the best jobs. This is business 101. Okay. That wasn't a goof. You were just... Yeah, was there a goof in somewhere in there, Einrand? No, I'm just saying that I think that that's probably what happened here is like, I don't think it's that... I'm not sure that they missed their calling. I'm saying that they like, maybe got promoted out of the guy making the sandwiches, even though he's like still got it. He's still got the heat. And I bet he hates being a desk jockey. Every morning he comes in, he opens up the shop every morning, and he just like runs his hands over like the kitchen counters, and he's just like, hello, old friend. I miss you. He touches the egg and cheese sandwich fixings. Cash Register Guy, why don't they have you working a desk

and not getting out there and cooking those good, good sandwiches? I shot a kid. Cash Register Guy. I don't even know why you that would... I don't know why you would do that while cooking breakfast sandwiches, but I also don't know why you wouldn't go to prison. My sandwiches are too good. And then at the end of the movie, he... John McClain's about to get shot, and he makes a really good breakfast sandwich. He's like, you did it. I mean, there's nothing you can do about this, right? Like, you know... Now, I think you've... You can't say you two should switch jobs, because that's crazy. You know now that the sandwiches that you ate for over a year were

not good, right? Maybe they're okay. That makes them worse by comparison, too, though, right? Yeah. So I don't think you can go back here knowing what you know. I would like to pitch something. Something we don't normally endorse here on my brother, my brother, and me. But you know, it's 2016. I'm saying maybe you go bold and brassy. You walk in tomorrow, you order a sandwich, and you say, but I want it made by him. And you point at cash register guy, and kitchen guy's like, what? And cash register guy's like, what? And you just say, he made a sandwich for me once, and it was the best version I've ever tasted. I want him to make it,

kid you guy, I want you to watch, and I want you to do exactly that like that from now on, because I'm a paying customer. This is America. Because I'm a huge asshole. I'm the biggest asshole ever. You're not my friends? These people aren't your friends, Gervin? You're paying for goods and services. You should get the best sandwich available. You should not take a second class sandwich because you're afraid to ask for what you want. Travis is giving great advice, especially if you want to spend the next year enjoying a breakfast sandwich of eggs and cheese and spit, because that's what you're getting. You're that asshole. I'm not saying it's not a risky maneuver. It is definitely a risky maneuver. And if it works, great. If it doesn't, no more sandwiches for you,

not only this restaurant, but perhaps anywhere. Oh, oh, make no mistake. This breaks two ways. Yeah. One, it's all fixed. This will not happen. Two, you never go to this place again. You might even have to move if there's some kind of intricate sandwich network in this city where word spreads about that demanding guy who wanted cash register guy to make the sandwich. But otherwise, you're stuck eating sandwiches for the rest of your life that you know are subpar. Yeah. Now you've tasted ambrosia and you can't go back to your regular humdrum lifestyle. If I know anything from like your Alice in Wonderlands through the looking glass kind of books, you can't go back to your humdrum lifestyle. You're going to dream of that fantasy sandwich.

Yeah. I mean, you could buy the place. Yeah, now we're talking. Now we're talking. You can kick start it. Kick start to buy the place. I need this, please. Indiegogo. I actually think, okay, okay, I think you could ease into it. You guys are familiar with them. I first heard Al Franken refer to it as kidding on the square. Yes. So you could kid on the square and say, listen, hey, I just want to let you know you better watch out for your job because this guy over here, when he made my sandwich, it was the best it's ever been. I love your work, but he was killing it. And then it's like, very good one. Very good joke. And it's like, you know what, let's keep this joke going. Why don't you come over here and show him exactly again. You know,

be fucking like super funny. What if you just left? What if you left right now? What if you gave up cooking forever? I'm saying you could do that. You could kid your way into it. Yeah. Like, you know what, just relax. Just watch him and tell him what you do differently because I want to know what your secret is because that guy's is great. So you're backing into it with a compliment. What you do is you'll get that guy on your side. That's a secret. You got to convert that guy to like being on your team. For sure. And it will turn kitchen guy against you, but you can convert this with laughter. You can just make it into a big funny joke where at the end of the joke, the punchline is, hmm, what a sandwich. You could also just make it up straight up comment and say,

I would like two sandwiches and I'd like you all to compete for my favor. May the odds be ever it's the hungry games. I mean, that's actually a good idea, Travis. I mean, I definitely wouldn't phrase it the way you phrased it, but I'd say like, I need two sandwiches prepared simultaneously and served up to me in the exact same time. I have a very, very particular fetish and a particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for men like you. Those skills are, I am just a really shitty customer. I'm not a great human either. How about a Yahoo? Please. I just want to tell y'all, this is like a fun little update on my life is I have the Wikipedia page open for Capybara here to sort of look into their physiology and how they might kiss.

And Wikipedia has a conservation status for like animal species to let you know like how they do and vis-a-vis extinction. Capybara lowest rating, least concern is the rating on this conservation status. Oh, keep it, keep it up, Capybara. Like you're my favorite animal and you're doing so good out there. Keep doing what you're doing because it's great by which I mean, we don't hunt you for sport or food. Wait, so this rating is saying like if someone's like, you know what I'm just worried about, Capybara's like, don't. No, dog, don't. Don't worry about it. Don't. What the other thing it could be saying is like, if you got to kill something, yeah. Hey, do you want to feel alive? Sure, we all do. That would be a fucking charm. I can't even. If you're Capybara and you

see it, you're like, so least concern. So it's fine if I just like die. You just write it in, Marker, like Derek, highest concern, Derek the Capybara, please do not. I can't even joke about this. How about this Yahoo that was sent in by Zoe Kensky right and high? Thank you, Zoe. It's by Yahoo Interviews. I don't think it's gone wrong because our website's sex, but there's an antacid banner advertisement at the top of the page featuring Larry the Cable Guy. So let's just say Larry the Cable Guy asks, how do I teach my dog discipline through the martial arts? I have a problem with my dog. He poops all over the house, chews on my footwear, constantly knocks over the trash cans, makes a mess in the house every time I leave.

Just an overall lack of discipline and structure in his life. He is also a bit of a push over with other dogs, gets constantly intimidated and pushed around. His bark leaves much to be desired as well. Almost seems as if he is saying sorry every time he barks. He definitely needs the discipline that only martial arts can teach, obviously grappling arts out of the question since he lacks opposable thumbs. But what other options are there for him? How do I teach him how to roundhouse kick other dogs every time they get in his face? Is there any way to teach him to channel his chi in order to produce a more menacing bark? I heard Kung Fu teach us several animal forms. Is there a dog form in there? What about karate? Are there any empty-handed techniques made especially

for dogs? I simply want my dog to be a dog amongst dogs, a menacing terror, alpha all the way, and to stop pooping all over the house. One, I think there's a huge missed opportunity to just immediately rule out any of the grappling arts because what's the last thing a dog's opponent would expect? Yeah, that's a good point. Right? Is to use their weight against him, get him real low to the ground, throw him with a jiu-jitsu, throw. Can you read the bit about animal forms again? I heard Kung Fu teaches several animal forms. Is there a dog form in there? Okay, so that's a misnomer. There's a misunderstanding. Yes. That is a good here. That is not what that means. Although, I will say this. First of all,

Kung Fu Panda. Second of all, in Kung Fu Panda, the snake uses snake style. And that's my second of all is that I think if a snake is going to learn Kung Fu, I think snake style would be like, oh, that's my jab. Yeah, I don't think there's like an immediate correlation, but if a dog was going to learn one form, it would be dog's dog form. Doggy style makes the most sense. Yeah, so you gotta teach them doggy style. Doggy style is a very funny joke. Thank you. I just, I didn't want that to be the thing that people tweeted at us after the episode of like, how did you not see doggy style? Yeah, sure. Yeah, I hate when people do that. We need a segment at the end of each bit called low hanging fruit. Yeah, just like, here's the

things that we know we could have said, but we just like left on the scrap pile. So you don't have to go ravaging through our garbage. I actually just been building my whole comedy style based off of that. It's worked so far. Yeah. Here's, here's what I'll say. This is one thing that if we don't say people are going to tweet at us. You should never with no exceptions, you should never do Kung Fu on a dog with one exception. So let me just say, with no exceptions, you should never do Kung Fu. 100% of the time, you should never do Kung Fu on a dog. But there's only one time, there's only one instance in which it is acceptable and or encouraged and that it's if you are teaching that Kung Fu to the dog.

Well, we're missing an obvious answer here. Okay, I was a dog trainer. And I can tell you, the easiest way for any dog to learn is to observe all their dogs doing it. So what you actually need in this situation is like a Mr. Miyagi dog. You need an older dog who's out of the game who's like, no, I don't, I don't do Kung Fu anymore. I don't do that anymore. And then he sees your dog getting picked on by the other dogs at the dog park. And finally, Mr. Miyagi dog is like, all right, come on dog, like, I'll show you how to like catch flies with chopsticks and trim bonsai trees and wax on wax off. And then you don't have to do shit. But then you do have to worry about your dog getting super good at Kung Fu and just beating you up whenever it wants

food and shit. Oh, I just googled karate dog. Oh, there was a 2004 movie called the karate dog. Tell me more. It's got Simon Rex, Jamie Presley, we're in it. It's also got Pat Merida makes an appearance. Oh, no. Let me just keep reading. It looks like John Voight was in the motion picture and who was the voice of Chocho, the titular karate dog who in the fucking cover art is also holding a police badge. It looks to me like, yes, let me double. Yes, it was Chevy Chase. Of course it was. Man, we make fun of Chevy Chase gives a hard time for for being kind of a deli to some people it sounds like to me, but it sounds like maybe he's had kind of a hard road. We should probably try to get him all slack. This is he lays in bed at night just thinking about

karate dog and weeping. Y'all, this box art for the karate dog is the most buck wild JPEG I've ever streamed onto my lap. I'm talking about I'm talking about like a bullmastiff with a fucking necktie and an eye patch. I'm talking about the karate dog is taking up two thirds of the cover and he's got a little sash on and also a police badge. And then there's one weird corner dog who you can only see like a third of its horrified face as it peeks into the corner. I have to say what's happening in this movie? John Voight, no. People who are also fans of the flop house will appreciate that when you click on the poster for karate dog image related images. What's that? Oh, a talking cat, the talking cat, the spiritual cousin to karate dog. Okay, so there's another

poster for karate dog that doesn't at one does not mention Chevy Chase to as near as I can tell. It looks like karate dog. Now, okay, this is essential. Oh, wow. It is still wearing the badge around its neck. And I is that a black belt? Or does I mean, don't get me wrong. They're not going to make a movie about a dog that does karate if it's just starting out learning the martial arts. This is the karate dog. He's a yellow belt. Oh, really? Okay. Other note about the trailer. Hi, this is this is John Voight. Yeah, is this my agent? Yes, it is. Listen, I was looking at the cover art for karate dog. Am I really credited below Simon Rex? Does Simon Rex really get billing above me? John Voight? Yeah, that's the way she got. Sorry, we didn't have a lot of room

with all the badges and crazy dogs. Is this seeing us how it's called the karate dog? Is it a spiritual successor to the karate kid? Does it go like the karate q 123 karate kid with a or Hillary Swank Hillary Swank and then the karate dog like is this all in the same cannon? This is this karate pat marita's appearance would intimate as much. Yeah. So is this canonical? I don't know. This is part of the the the quadrilogy of karate kid films now. It is now. As far as I'm concerned, if okay, this is going to be a power hipster move. If your friends are like, I like the karate kids like, Oh, do you see them all? And they're like, Yeah, I'm like even karate dog. And they're like, What? And like, Yeah, I didn't think so. And then like, you cut them out of the forums

or whatever. Hey, great news for everybody. Cancel your evening plans. You can stream the entirety of karate dog for free on YouTube. Oh, my God. Watch the whole thing. Later. Can we can we show the dog karate dog to teach it to stop being such a piece of shit? Be more like this dog. Sound more like Chevy Chevy Shays. Be more like Chevy Shays. Do you think Chevy chase ever lies down on his arm with sofa? And he calls it his Chevy chase lounge? He probably does, right? Hey, how about another question though? Nine lives made $17.1 million at the box office and received a 7% positive rating from rotten tomatoes. Speaking of trash, we have another segment that we cooked up last week, where people who are in the trash and

garbage industry are going to tell us the stories of the oddest things they've ever collected in their day to day lives. Yeah. And Travis, you said you received some of these in the news segment we're calling trash stories. Yeah, we got a bunch of them. You're saying that Griffin was going to sing the jingle for trash stories. A trash star is a new kind of way to love. We received a lot of trash stories this week. Some of them so gross to trump any humor that was present in them. Oops, so no. Although we used to get almost like 90% of our emails were dookie questions. So I feel like people needed a place to put that energy and I'm worried that it's going to funnel into trash stories mountain. You're not wrong. But there were a couple that contained no overt

grossness. This one is from Cassandra in Tennessee. My stepdad is a garbage man and over the last few years he has scored enough fully functional camping gear for my family of five, me, husband, and three kids to take a three week long camping trip without purchasing a thing. We had sleeping bags, cots, two coolers, a huge tent, flashlights, backpacks, hiking boots, and much more. All courtesy of other people's trash, pictures of the trip attached. That's so amazing. That's two things. First of all, you're welcome because I think most of that probably came from me because I have gone camping once in the last six years and I got very bad diarrhea in the woods. And guess what? When you have diarrhea, the woods, there is no comfort for you there. You will find no solace.

And so I said, okay, goodbye, sleeping bags, goodbye, cots, goodbye, two coolers, goodbye, huge tent, flashlights, backpacks, hiking boots, and much more. And it sounds like your stepdad sort of had a bonanza in my can. The second thing is that I'm totally into it, dude, recycling or whatever it's called. Freaking is I'm totally, I'm super down with it, reduce reuse, loving it. A tent, at that point, a tent is where you had a problem because mine was hiking boots. I mean, you can deal out says whatever, but a tent is you're sleeping in trash. It is a house made of trash. That's a nice tent, though. Isn't that a nice tent? I'll forward you guys the image. I mean, you don't need to forward it to

me. It's mine. And it was. I have two big questions. One is not a question, just an observation. I really like the image of everybody who has thrown this stuff out who went camping, which is like, never again. I'm never doing this again. I'm leaving all this in the garbage. I'm never going again. Like you didn't really want to store it somewhere. You're just like that certain that you would never go camping again. Yes, I was. The tent, there's two options here that I find very puzzling. The first is that the tent was left in the garbage fully assembled. That seems unlikely to me. I don't even know how you would transport that. The second is that your stepfather knows how to put together a tent without any instructions or pieces or anything.

That would be. I cannot fathom that. He's the hardest things to make. And that he was able to put that together without any sort of instruction. I think that's fascinating. Well, I accept my team. I can believe that, Justin, because I think that the stepfather had the forethought to collect this stuff over many years, according to this email, thinking one day I will be able to give my stepdaughter an entire set of camping stuff. I think that's amazing. We have another one as well. This one is from the woman formerly known as Trash Lady. I worked for a trash company in the sales department until recently. The weirdest call I've gotten was from a man who had an abundance of cucumbers and was looking for a 30 cubic yard

roll-off container to put them in. Good God. The container is eight foot by 22 foot by six feet. Quite a few cucumbers. The weirdest part was the man's immediate need for the container. He was desperate. However, the cucumbers probably were still good because he invited me to come take as many as I wanted. I regret not going. Okay. Wouldn't that be the last call you make? Do you think that that person's with the day on the phone calling everybody they've ever met like, hey, remember how you were telling me one time that you really needed a bunch of cucumbers right now? Well, good news. Come on down. Do you need pickles and have a lot of patience? Good news. That is so many cucumbers. I'm trying to mask it out in my head,

but that's like a thousand feet of cucumbers. There's a lot of cucumbers. I think you could fit like a bunch of a bunch of cukes per foot, right? The only explanation is that it's some kind of like rolled doll situation where it's like the man who wished for too many cucumbers and like he made a wish like, oh, Lord, I just love you. I wish I had more cucumbers than I knew what to do with. I just love them so much because how do you, how does that sneak up on you? How do you wake up one day and you're like, where the, hold on. Oh, shit. I have too many cucumbers. James and the many, many, many regular sized peaches. I've done that. I've done that to myself before. You go to the store and you're like,

do I have cucumbers at home? No, I don't think I do. I should get some more. And then you do that 10,000 times in a day. I'm in there. I know how, I know what that's like. Maybe Travis, you mentioned pickles. Maybe this was not for disposal. Maybe this was, I need to make a lot of pickles now. Yeah, I want to, I have a Scrooge McDuck fetish, but with a weird twist. Instead of coins. Trav, do you have any more before we just, those are the two that I pulled. I don't, I don't want it to become a trash show, Justin. That's fine. Any more so than it already definitely is. Let's go to the major. Folks, I want to tell you about Squarespace. My brother, my brother, me is supported by Squarespace, which doesn't have anything to do with it.

This is, listen, this is completely independent, just a commercial I decided to do. And they also gave us money for it. Whether you need a landing page, a beautiful gallery, a professional blog, or an online store, it's all included with your Squarespace website. It's easy to create a website with Squarespace. I can vouch for that. Travis can vouch for that. If you've never done it before, this is the place to start. Everybody's making web pages now, and it's time to stake your claim in the Great Wild West. And the best part is they're going to give you a free custom domain to help people get to your thing. That's not actually the freest thing. They're just giving you letters. That's not, I said it's the best. That's just some free letters. So that's not actually the best,

but it is good. There's beautiful templates. You can design a best-in-class online store with Squarespace's award-winning templates, customizable settings, and more. All of that is single-plugging. If you need to make a web page, and you do, because otherwise nobody knows, how can I Google you if you don't have a web page? I can't. That's the answer. You've got to work on your SEO, I think. Yeah. Fix your SEO and start your free trial today at squarespace.com slash my brother. Get 10% off your first purchase of your own personal website. Like Justin said, I made macroichows.com on Squarespace. It took me 45 minutes, like nothing. And it's so easy to update so we can add new stuff to it and add pictures,

change stuff to it whenever we need to. And it was no time at all. And it looks really good. I'm very proud of it. And it was really easy. So I'm a big fan of Squarespace. And not only that, their customer service is amazing. It's so easy to figure out. And if you do have an issue, there's someone to help you. Plus, YouTube is full of videos about how to make it look even better. It's amazing. You really want to use Squarespace. I'm a big fan. It says you get free custom domain. And I'm very excited about that. Can they just get me karatedog.com? Because I just went to it and it's available, but it's for sale for $2,800. And will they foot the bill for that? Or am I going to have to pay for that? Or how does it... Griffin, it's going to pay for

itself. I want to tell you guys about another sponsor we have this week, which is Meondies. Meondies is just the best Undies. I think I'm... Let me check. I'm going to pay right now. Me too. Me too. What fun design are you guys? You guys have this summer one with all the inflatable toys and stuff? No, obviously it's blue and it's got leaves and stuff on it. Wait, shit, Griffin, are we wearing the same one? Oh, bud, yeah, it happens. Love that. Yes, synergy. Synergy, corporate synergy. Whether you're wearing a suit or you're wearing sweats, I mean, those are the only two things I wear. Or a sweatsuit. You're spending 24 hours a day in your Undies. But your underwear is probably pretty boring and probably pretty uncomfortable and it

probably starts... You probably have like... It's probably evil. Just a few tablespoons of just water in there at any time. I want to tell you about Meondies because Meondies is made of sustainably sourced modal, which is a fabric that's twice as soft as cotton. It's indescribably soft and it indescribably fits good. And you're going to know why they're called the world's most comfortable underwear. And if you don't love your first pair of Meondies, they're free, no questions asked. Shipping's free in the U.S. and Canada and you can save up to $8 a pair with the Meundies subscription plan. And in order to get down on that plan or get a single pair, you can get 20% off your first order if you go to meundies.com slash my brother. That's

meundies.com slash my brother. Get 20% off your first order. One more time, meundies.com slash my brother. You know what I do whenever I get Meundies? I throw... I get the monthly things, every month we get a new pair. And whenever I get one, I throw a pair of non-Meundies away and I am so close to reaching 100% Meundies. I'm within striking distance. Let me tell you, I've done it in my cross-country move. Now a single old pair of stupid old underwear made its way with me. It's all meundies. I'm never looking back. I'm going whole hog, by which I mean the only thing my hog will touch. I mean my penis. I can't wait for next week's edition of Trash Stories. I was cleaning out some dude's apartment

trash. First of all, Stola's patio furniture, that was tight. Pretty sure that was trash because it was in basically essentially a big trash tarp anyway. Went in through it, just like looking around, just perusing for treasure and just replaced my whole underwear collection with bad underwear, but oh well. I've got a personal message here for Ross from Megan. Happy fifth anniversary. I'm so glad I could get the guys whose voices you probably know better than my own to tell you next available. I really hope, the reason I said the next available is I really hope that this is five months later and like Megan withheld saying happy fifth anniversary to Ross until we could say it and Ross was like, hey, happy fifth anniversary and Megan just went,

mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, you'll see in five months. Here's one for the brothers and family. This is just for all of us to enjoy and this is from Timbo in Austin. It says, dear brothers, sorry if this isn't goofable. I wanted to say thank you for letting us feel like a part of your family. For some of us, it's a profound experience that can get us through tough times just like the holidays. Oopsie-daisy. Just wanted to make sure you all knew you provide the world with more than just those sweet, sweet goose. Good job. Did I do it right? That's from Timbo in Austin. Thank you, Tim. That's very kind. You mentioned the holidays. I hope the way we've repaid your kind message

was waiting eight months to read it. That was the cause of Justin's oopsie-daisy, not the fact that we help people get through the holidays with our podcast. Yeah, that's all we help them get through the holidays? Shit. Oopsie-daisy's was like, December 25th, Tim writes this very kind message and we're like, yeah, Timbo, we're going to get to that real soon. Welcome to the family. Sit right there for eight literal months. Sit in our virtual waiting room until fall and then we're going to get to this very kind message. But thank you, Tim. That was very nice. Thank you. Very nice of you.

Mugs, shirts, stickers, patches, tanks, and more are yours for the purchasing at maxfunstore.com. Hey, you already love the podcasts, so why not take this to the next level and outfit your home and bod with our merch, maxfunstore.com. Because if you have to wear a shirt, it should be one of ours. Brothers, my husband has spent every free moment of the past six months building and perfecting a screen-accurate replica of a Stormtroopers armor. Not only that, but he's constructed a custom blaster with some sick license sound effects. This is just, this is not going to be a question. I can feel it right. This is just

braggy. This is the person who's talking about how cool. I have never been more proud, correct. But alas, he is hiding his light under a bushel for fear of what others, friends, family, coworkers will think. He was recently accepted to the 501st Legion, and I wanted to sing his praises, but I held back out of respect for his wishes. Is there any way I can convince him to take his awesomeness public? That's just from Gmail. First of all, the 501st Legion is a Legion of Stormtroopers that like they do marches, they attend events, they're like a really big deal Star Wars like battalion of fans. That's a really cool honor. And you have to have like perfect armor to join,

and they do like lots of charity work, and they visit hospitals, and when the rebellion comes, they will be the fucking first to stand against it and brush it. Do they have one of these types of groups for Austin Powers' that I could get sent in my audition tape for? But it would probably be called like the 69th Legion, because that's like Austin Powers' right? Swinging Groovy, yes. Yes, that is exactly it. Congratulations Travis. Thank you very much. My bag is a man, yes. That is my bag, baby. You have found it. Thank you for returning my bag to me. Cronky, my mojo's gone.

I think that this is actually a big opportunity, because you are the only one who knows his secret identity. So you could start to read stories in the newspaper of like a mysterious stormtrooper. Oh my god. Yeah, I'm sorry. Yes, Travis. Yeah, this is the bet. Like, don't take this awesomeness public. Let him keep it secret, because if I went over to any of my friends' houses right now, and they're like, I think it's time that I show you something. And then they like pull down on the book on their bookshelf, and then it rotates out revealing their perfect fucking stormtrooper armor. That person would be a legend forever in my mind. I would never forget that moment. Right? Yeah, that would be amazing. You don't want that to be public. You want it to be a secret

that you share with like, secrets are cool too. You know, it may just be, you know how sometimes I like to wear one of my sexier pairs of me undies underneath when I head into the office, just to make me feel like I'm hiding a little secret, you know what I mean? And I think that maybe this could be that for him. Maybe he wants that, like, feeling of knowing he does have a secret. Like if somebody's like, yeah, as if you could ever show up in the office dressed like a stormtrooper, and he's like, uh-huh, you got me again, Doug. But in his back his head. With your weirdly specific bullying. Doug always knows just which buttons to push. With pinpoint accuracy. With blaster-like specificity. He knows exactly where to shoot. I think that that's the question. Justin is correct.

Is this a no, this is just for me kind of thing, because that's awesome. But if this is like him going, I don't know, I'm afraid that I'd like people wouldn't like it. I think that's so far off. I don't know, especially in this day and age, where Star Wars has become so mainstream. I don't know of anyone who wouldn't be like, that's awesome. And not only that, because I think people also respond well to like when you put care and time into a thing. And if they don't, like their opinions don't matter. But especially when you say like friends and family, like if they react shittily, they ain't your friends and you should discount them as family as well. Because something like that, that you like put so much time and effort and like really focus your energy on. I would think

that anybody worth their salt would think that that was amazing. Unless it's family's all hardcore Star Trek nerds. Oh, they've been building their accurate board costumes. Yeah, I guess that's the only thing they got, right? Like what else would it be? Like, here's my Klingon pants. I made a bat left. This is a couple co-hangers who you twisted around a butter knife. It is going to make it is going to make hanging out with the 501st Legion buddies a little bit awkward. If like after they visit the hospital, they're all taking their armor off and heading in to slam some Gatorade and go over to Chuck E. Cheese's or Billy Bob's Wonderland, depending on where they live. And they're like, well, how about you, new fella? How did you think of it? It was fine. Well, you can go ahead

No, I'm good. I'm just gonna leave it. I'm just gonna leave it on, I think. Well, okay. I don't have a lot of room in my Ford Fiesta and I did offer to give you a ride with me. But that's fine. If you yeah, I'm fine. Let's take a back. Let's let's all take a big group picture. Masks off. What do you say guys? I've actually got to go. Trader. That's a little Star Wars joke for everybody in the audience. He pulls off his helmet and it's Mark Hamill. I was like, what the fuck? Charles did a fun joke too from Star Wars. Thank you. Who's your favorite Star Wars? That would be that would be the fucking funniest bit when that like be like roll up to the 501st and just be like, who's your guys favorite Star Wars? Which, which one of the Star Men do you think

has the best super powers? I like Ironman. Is he? I like Bando. What happened to Django fat? Who? Django. The Django Unchained? Django fat? Django fat. Do you guys want any Ajo? Sure. Yes, please. If you're listening to this guy who made the Stormtrooper armor, that's awesome. Don't be ashamed. It's fucking great. How about this one sent in by Dana Scarborough? Thank you, Dana. It's by Yahoo! Answers user Tim Harrington who asks, how to work on my radio voice? This is all caps, by the way. So like, I think they need work on their radio voice because right now it's just all shouting. I'm wondering how I can work on my radio voice. I'll be going to college for radio broadcasting. But how can I work on my voice? I want to do late night jazz hours. And I know

that you have to have a soft trained comforting voice. Huh. Interesting. What a twist. Why do you feel like you have to do that before you get to college? Listen, if they can't teach you how to have a smooth comforting jazz voice, then maybe you're overpaying for your college education. If they can't whiplash you into a smooth jazz voice, then what are you even doing at that conservatory? No, smoother at my tempo. Hey, everybody, we've got a coming. No, smoother! You threw my mug of chamomile. I couldn't figure out a way to do that sound. Slow it down. Lower the timbre. As we all know, there's three types of radio voices. There's your JB. They're JB Millers. Oh, okay. Well, that's not a joke that anybody's going to get. Well, so let's, let's,

if they lived in Huntington, they would. Yeah, no, let's broaden our net a little bit. Yeah. There's the douche, and that covers, I would say, most of it. Can you, can you give us an example Griffin? Because that could be anything. Well, and again, this has nothing to do with the personality of the person. It's just the voice, right? So it's just like, Hey, everybody here, I come doing my voice. Nobody talks like this, but here I come at you with the weather on the tens, and he's on the 10 and the nine and the eight and the seven. He's running very slowly. If I can announce each yard that he's crossing and touchdown, come on down to blockbuster video. Have we got a deal for you? Coming up after the break, Tony Basil's back with her follow-up to

Mickey, Mickey two and also Bob Carlisle. He is dropping it. BK two. We got the world premiere streaming from title. And then, but that voice could also be like shock, shock, like Bob Carlisle in the studio. He's got a nut out. I can't believe this. Show us your boo. Show us your boo, Bob Carlisle. Loving it, loving it. Bob Carlisle getting wet and wild. Playing strip poker with Bob Carlisle in the studio, and he has lost his shirt and his pants, and he's got a nut out. I could see Bob Carlisle's butthole and everything. It's great, using him like a butterfly periscope. Next up, we paid homeless Reggie 50 bucks to smell Bob Carlisle's taint. Now here's butterfly kisses too. Too hot for TV.

Unedited explicit tags. Okay, so that's one voice. That's one voice. And then there's, then there's soft voice and this covers. Like an NPR, like your NPR voice? Yeah. But that could also just be jazz. Like, hey everybody, this is Griffin. I can't, I gotta stop doing stuff like that because I do get a lot of ASMR sort of reports in just like, hey, you did it for me. Thanks. I'm glad that that's a service we provide. I guess so too, but it's different. It's not my intention unless I explicitly say that it is. It feels like a violation. But it's like, hey, everybody, this is my soft voice. And coming up on the 10, weather on the 10s. And also a thing happened in this country. And Griffin couldn't even think

of an example of what that might be. My favorite thing about that voice, especially in like a smooth jazz station setting is that, you know, the history of some of these artists is very, it could be very murky, they're computer baths. So to use that voice to be like, and while on a heroin bender, he stabbed three people and then went on to write stars in the sky. Enjoy. Like that voice and like that, that to me is like the best part of that voice is like, you could say really horrendous things on that voice. People are like, oh, that's nice. It's like, I don't, I don't think you could, and you got to be careful not to juxtapose because you don't want to turn your radio and hear somebody say, and then next up we paid almost actually $50 to

smell Bob Carlisle's taint. It makes even sonically more unpleasant. And then the third one of course is... Oh, no, Griffin said there were three. No, I haven't got this. The third one is, of course, impressions. You know, that classic radio voice impressions. The mainstay of every used car ad that's ever been. It's like, hey, everybody, almost in power has come on down to Roger Beasley Toyota and get yourself a Prius, baby, my wife. You should buy this. Wait, I wasn't even doing a voice. You should buy this car. I can't do any voices. What was I doing? Who is that? Who was that? I was so scared. I was trying to be Bill Clinton, but it's not like Keanu Reese. Bill Clinton is hard. I want to try to just leap in. Let me see. Yeah, just like leap in. Let's

all work out. Come on down for Beasley Toyota. I didn't inhale, but you should inhale these deals. Is that good? I know Kung Fu. Dude, you're getting a dail. Come on down to Roger Beasley Toyota and come get yourself a dail. It's me, President Barack Obama. Where is the beef? It's at Bob Carlyle Toyota. It's me, President Barack Hussein Obama. A lot of people forget the Hussein, but it's important. And pizza, pizza. Come on down to my Toyota town. Fuck. Oh, shit, you can't fucking curse. No, that's three. Three. Did you guys ever, Travis, you're excluded from this question because we know the answer. Do you guys ever do like attempt to do an impression cold? Yeah. Maybe just like around friends and

family and it comes out. No, perfect. Yeah. And then you can never capture it again. You can never like get back into the groove of it. No. Why am I excluded from this? Because we know you can't. I heard your Bill Clinton. Yeah, I can't. Okay. I can't. I have no control over my voice at all until it leaves my mouth. I'm going to have to do a slow tuning in that takes me about a week to get to any impression and then I immediately lose it. Last week when I didn't even wind up, I just like busted into a pitch perfect Roger Klotz. I didn't know that that was inside of me, but I just opened up my mouth and a little bird came out. And then you did the impression. I did the impression. Folks, that's going to do it for us. Thank you so much for listening

to our program. We hope you've enjoyed your time with us. Can you do an impression when you do the like the outro? But it's so boring. I hate doing it every time. I think we would spice it up if we just did a little bit of like a fun voice. Who do you want? Yes. Yes. We will all do celebrity impersonations, but I will not pick. You guys have to tell me who the celebrity I am to impersonate is. Here's Faltrow. Oh, no, that's ridiculous. She doesn't have a specific speaking style to do that. No, she's okay. Go on. Sorry. Fuck. That was Ringo. Can I be under the giant? Yes. Yeah, you can be after the giant. You don't get to pick your own. Who am I? Why don't you be under the giant? It sounds like I'm already doing under the giant.

Justin, I want you to do Michael Keaton. These are the weirdest impression requests ever. What the fuck, Travis? I'll do, I'll do, I'll do Andrew Jackson. I'll do Bob Carlisle. We do have a big announcement. Hello, folks. This is Travis McRite coming to you with a very special announcement. We are doing a candle night show this year. But wait a minute. We said that we wouldn't because you and I are having babies like right around then. Yeah, Griffin. But here's the twist. We're doing it in September because candle nights is whenever you want it to be. And that's when we're all going to be in Huntington. So that's when we want it to be.

And sometimes you just feel that holiday spirit coming around while you're shooting a television show for CISO. And sometimes you need a special. You need live footage of you doing your podcast for the television show that you're making. Sometimes the stars just align like that. Yeah. Sometimes you grab the stars by their stupid faces and say, get in the line. Get in the line, stars. You have to do this. September 30th. We will have more details coming and ticket links and all that stuff on our Twitter. We're trying to, we're trying to put the tickets on sale this week. So like before the next episode

goes up. So we'll tweet ahead of time to let everyone know when they'll be going on sale. But pay attention to the MBMBM Twitter. Yeah. September 30th in Huntington. We're going to be doing a candle night special with salt bones and maybe swanners. And we will be filming parts of it and putting it on the CISO show. We know this is, we know this is coming in hot. It really is like, we think it's going to be a lot of fun. Otherwise, like we can't do any more live shows this year after this, basically. So this is like our last chance to do this thing. And it's coming in kind of hot, but it's because this idea was, it popped up only very recently. So candle lights in September,

September 30th in Huntington. More details to come probably this week. Watch our Twitter at MBMBAM. This isn't specifically related to this show, but we make another show. It's called The Adventure Zone. It's a D&D podcast we make with our dad. And a bunch of folks who listen to that show led by Megan Rayleigh and with help from Carrie Peach, have made a project called The Adventure Zone where it's a collection of fan art. And all the profits from this fan art book are going to go to Facing Hunger, which is a Huntington based food bank. And it's a really cool project. And they have, they have raised a ton of money already, but you will definitely want to get a copy of this if you're, yeah, I know. It's, it's out of control. Theadventurezine.com is the

address to go if you want to get a copy. And this isn't like a book that's going to be widely made and then sold in stores and stuff. This is how you get it. So you'll want to head over to theadventurezine.com and pre-order your copy right away. So get on board with that. And if you've already done that, thank you so much from, from us and from everybody in, in this area. We really appreciate your help. I also want to say, because we, we forgot to mention it on the last one. So we did smart stuff, the, the Justin and we did it with Justin and Roman Marys and that was a joke. Well on episode 225 of 99% Invisible, Roman Marys took it and he ran with it and he made it funnier than I could ever possibly imagine. And it was

wonderfully flattering that he did that and it's so cool. Go check it out. And if you haven't listened to 99% Invisible, like what the fuck is wrong with you? It's so good. All right, let's, let's run down some stuff. Thanks to Maximum Fun for having us. It's a podcast network we're really proud to be a part of. Go to maximumfun.org. You can find a ton of podcasts there that you will absolutely love, like The Flop House and Throwing Shade and Jordan Jesse Go and Judge John Hodgman, all of them at maximumfun.org. We're going to be at MaxFunCon East next weekend and hopefully we cannot wait. We'll see you all y'all there. We're doing a live adventure zone while we're there that, that I'm excited for. Lots of surprises. I just got a bunch of new costume pieces for it.

Oh boy. Yeah. And I got like a real ass shield. Nice. So we do other podcasts that you can listen to at macaroyshows.com. I won't go through the list of them, but we do a ton. And if you like this show, then you're going to love one of the other ones we do, I guarantee it. Thanks to John Roderick in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed, which you should absolutely go listen to. And then after listening to that, you're going to want to go and point your, your, your iTunes browser towards the Emotion B sides from, from my leash, Carly Rae Jepsen, and just, just sort of emerge yourself in a sensory deprivation chamber that somehow does allow the sense of sound in, and just, and love, just let it,

just fucking let it go. Just let it all go in that Jepsen tank. If you're looking for one track, might as well just store. Oh, store, guys. But store. But that store though. You want that final? Hit me. Yep. Here come that final. This one is sent in by Michael Noll. Thank you. It's asked by Yahoo Answers user Gabriel M. Who asks, did happy Gilmore continue professional golfing after the movie ended? Oh no. My name is Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This is my brother, my brother and me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.

Hello, and welcome to Pod Phone. What type of podcast are you looking for? You have chosen funny podcasts about bad movies. Rated R. May we recommend The Flop House. Three friends talk about bad movies and make each other and you laugh. Rated R. The Flop House is playing at your ears. If you download it right now or whenever. Rated R. To purchase tickets to The Flop House. You don't need to do that. Just download it. The Flop House. Rated R. For nudity, I guess.