My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 320: Murder Circus

Episode Date: September 13, 2016

We’re all together in Huntington, making a television show, which is pretty great. One caveat: One of us is dissolving at the molecular level, which has thrown a REAL MONKEY WRENCH into production. A real “Snafu,” as we like to say in the showbiz industry. Suggested talking points: Red Carpet Tummy Illness, Coffee Twins, Circus Traps, Snack Extraction, Mystery Rolls, Praying Mantis, Jurassic Park Fans, Mandatory Plane Food

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, everybody, and welcome. My brother, my brother, I mean advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. I hate this so much. It's not good to see your meat faces. I don't like it. You guys are going to be able to see me.

We're recording in the same room for the first time since Spaghetti Garden when we weren't like live on stage. I'm pretty sure that's true, and I don't want you guys to be able to see me because then you'll see when I zone out and stop listening to you so I can come up with jokes. It's basically literally as soon as you finish. There you go. Bye, Travis. So we are recording in my home here in beautiful Huntington, West Virginia because we're about to start production on our new TV show. We're done with our old TV show. It's time for the new one. Yeah, maybe you've heard of it. Frazier. Griffin, you said Frazier wrong. No, it wasn't Frazier. It was Frazier. So that was F-R-A-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y. You know how that one company made like

Atlantic Grimm and that kind of stuff so that grandparents would just scroll through and buy it? That's what we wanted. We wanted kids to scroll through and buy Frazier for the grandparents. It was Dark Frazier. This is very dark. But anyway, that's over with now because now we're making my brother, my brother and me, Untitled Project. It's not Untitled. I think it's just going to be called. It's just called the Kelsey Grammar Show. So now we've gone Hollywood and a lot of stuff has changed. A lot of stuff has changed. How has your life changed, Justin, since we went to Hollywood? Well, I don't have very bad diarrhea. You know what? Me neither. That's not Griffin. That's weird how that happened because I strangely, as soon as I made the switch

to go Hollywood, my body was like, you've gone Corpo. Anyway, I've got the Norovirus and it's a fun way to start out the shoot. If you watch the show early next year and you see it and you see Griffin and you say, boy, that boy look empty. There's a good reason. It's actually a fact that one in three people who go Hollywood have wicked bad diarrhea. If you've ever seen Oceans 11, one in three of them was having wicked bad diarrhea. I can't run the math on that, but it's a good number. Three to four of the, let's see, three and three quarters. Let's think. That's no fun. Coluni definitely had it. Cheeto. Don Cheeto has it all the time. There's all the time. Don Cheeto's body is actually allergic to fame, but he can't stop. He's got a slender profile and it's because

of that Noro, that Hollywood Noro. We scheduled a few days early. And thank God for that. Get in rhythm. Just get comfortable with each other again. Re-learn each other's bodies, each other's rhythms. Griffin has spent the entire time on the couch in my den, watching the OC and playing Phoenix right on stage. Yeah. Just fucking, just driving. Yeah. It's been a miserable, miserable weekend. Excited to get fucking started though. Making the red carpet, making the red carpet right there, laying it down and stepping on it. Walking all over the red carpet. Yeah. Thanks for listening. I don't know. Are these going to be regular? What's going to be different

about these? Because we're going to have three of these episodes where we're doing it all together. They're going to be shorter because we got nothing in the tank. We have not. I especially, look at my belly. Do you see that? How it says there's a needle pointing to E? I have nothing inside to power my goofs anymore. He's clinging to an action figure of our dad for strength. Thank you, dad. Should we get started and just do some advice? Yeah, that sounds good. Can we holler at Rob? Rob is editing the show for us. It's the first time we've ever had anybody not me. Well, I guess you guys have edited every once in a while. I get a really shitty job twice, I think, but Rob is going to do a great job.

Do you think Rob's going to put in any fun sound effects? Let's listen in. That's really good, Rob. We're going to call you great job, Rob. Very funny, great job, Rob. So listen, I hate this. I cannot stress enough how distracting it is to see your stupid faces in the same room with me. It's weird. It's like trying to shit in public. Griffin, do you know anything about that? Shit in public? He's not that diuretic. He's not just like, could everyone please look to their left? I don't like how blue this is. It's very blue. Okay, here's a question. A woman I went to university with works at my local Starbucks. It's called college. Get it right or pay the price. We knew each other.

Starbucks is called college? Yeah, it's called coffee. I went to Starbucks, I went to Starbucks U. I majored in foam. I have a latte debt. Shut up. That wasn't even good. That was good. Yeah. Now you're ready to really start making the beans. A woman I went to university with works at my local Starbucks. We knew each other and I would happily say hello to her and reintroduce myself, except for one problem. She had an identical twin and I'm not sure which twin it is. Do I have to move now? That's from Confused Coffee Trickery. Listen, guys, you don't have to jump straight to moving away every time. Yeah, I lost my keys. Do I need to move away? Good luck with that.

Yeah, you don't need to move. No, you're fine. At the very least, there's probably other coffee shops in your area unless the identical twin works at the other coffee shop in your area. Better coffee shops with less corporate greed, probably. Wait, hold on. How do we feel about Starbucks? I forgot. Where are we at? I have the easiest solution to this. She works at Starbucks. She's wearing a name tag. I have the same name, though. It's the fucked up thing. But spelled slightly differently. No. Spelled the exact same. We're both Joanie. We probably saved a lot on personalized license plates and key chains and stuff. And as a responsible parent, you've got to think about stuff like that.

License plates cost so much money. You think they just get printed at prisons? Yeah, that's why we're naming our daughter Hamilton. She'll be able to find stuff everywhere. It's a good thing that you are so concerned about this because I'm certain this is the first time she's ever had any issue. It's a good that you are personally- No, I'm Julie. Oh, did you confi- No way. We're two different people, you monster. How could you, Darren? How could you, Darren? No, it's not me. It's my identical brother, Baron. That's a good reversal of that, Havans. How could you? This is so not- Also, man, I've had two hour-long conversations with people in which I did not use their name once. It's going to be super cool to- Like, hey, how's it going?

I won't tell Dale Carnegie you said that. Thank you. No, I'm not a good person. I don't- I don't- I don't want to share the problem. It's just, do both twins work at the Starbucks? No, I don't think so. It's just that you don't know- you've never known- you've never ever known which twin this has been the whole time. Wait, I've got it. Okay. You do like a fun, like college buddy thing. Use their last name. You just walk up and you're like, Johnson, what's up? Right? Because like, you're going to be right 100% of the time. Okay, but Travis, this person has been to this Starbucks a few times, enough times that they're writing into us about it. This is- how fucking weird is it that after acting like a stranger for weeks,

suddenly they're like, hey, Johnson? Do you remember me, Johnson? No, you just gotta put a question. You can't do it like a challenge. Like, how did you not remember me? Do you like a question? You go, Johnson? Oh my god, are you aging backwards? I never would have believed we went to college together. You look great. Something like that. You know what else would work. You say, you know, it'd be fun. This time is you write your own name on the coffee cup, but then they write like a diaper and it's like, why did you write? It's all we know. It's like a twist on that. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours kind of thing? Yeah, I lost my name. I lost my identity. A coffee buyer has no name. This says Shuzan? Shuzan? Is that? Okay. How about a Yahoo? Yeah. Yeah.

This one was sent in by level 9000. It's asked by Yajirob. Could you just insert ground saying Drew down? Could you fix it? But don't really. Leave that in, Rob. It's from Yajiro answers user. Well, they're not listed, so I'm going to go with the next name down, which is death dealer. Death dealer asks, I think magicians are hot. I can't afford to go to circuses. Is there any other places that magicians hang out or I could meet them? Nope, just there. Just there. Circuses. Damn it. Dam. What venue? Okay, I haven't been to a circus in a grip. I don't know how much a circus. How much is a circus? Justin, you've got a kid. How much is a circus? 1750, usually 18 bucks. Okay, because there's not going

to be a Vegas show cheaper than going to like Ringling Brothers Circus. Yeah, I mean, it's like, or like even a bad circuit, a worse circus than that. There are many off brand. You could go to like Uncle Jimmy's like cut rate circus where there's like golden retrievers in mains and like the magician guy is just like making your money disappear. And all the clowns are babies. Well, hold on. You tried to answer for that. You want a clown baby? I don't want to go to this circus now. It's a pretty good circus actually. Now that I've been describing it, this would be a really like easy entry point for kids who like are afraid of the circus or like, no, it's just a dog in a wig. You're like, okay, this is all right. Well, you got to build to that. If you want to start

your own circus, nobody's going to give you an elephant day one. You got to start with like, what do I have around me? Okay, I have dogs. I have babies. I have mains. You got, I could put a main on the baby. No, that's not right. I'll get there. That's a good point, Justin, because you can't just like say, I have a circus now and expect people to like give you lions. You got to prove you're responsible for lions. How do you start? How do you get your first elephant? Because it seems like people first off, I guess elephants aren't in it anymore. No, elephants are well retired. Thanks so much. They've all returned to their native home of Nebraska. This is what the book Water for Elephants

was about is, is about a young circus man. He falls deeply in love and he has to take care of elephants. It's like, better give them water. They love that stuff, man. Elephants, they're crazy about this stuff. They will die without water that much. I know about these elephants. That's Elephant 101. Oh, you get a Timothy Elephant and then he comes and you can prove you're responsible for him and then they give you water for all of you. You got to, you got to drop factor. You got to drop like facts about your knowledge of elephants. Like, hello, I'd like to buy an elephant wish me water to live for my circus. That was the test and you passed. Here you go, young man. What is this part called? The trunk. That's right. You did great.

You did great. And what do they need to live? Water. That's also right. Here you go. Hey, you're not going to hurt it. No, hurting. All right. All right. Cool. I think that to take over a circus, you have to first apprentice with like a ring master because you can't just say like, I'm a master now. Yeah, start as like a ring apprentice and then eventually kill the ring master, take his big hat and whip maybe and hoop. And now you're the ring master. Well, you have to make it look like an accident. Oh yeah. He's got to get, um, I see. What's a good circus accident? Oh Jesus, Travis. I mean, circuses were literally made for murders that look like accidents. Yeah, but you don't want to fall into the one of like, oh, he got crushed by cotton candy.

No, he didn't. Barnum and Bailey were like, we need to murder a bunch of fools and make it look like accidents. How can we create the most dangerous environment possible? I know we're going to get lions. We're going to put motherfuckers heads in the lions. What's up? We're going to make people walk on like really thin wires, super duper high up. Well, we got to make sure they won't be missed. Well, we'll just travel around all the time. No one will think to look for. We'll give them fake names and shit. We'll paint their faces. No one will even know what they look like. Wait, hold on. Wait. We're explaining a lot here. It makes a lot more sense to me now. It's the perfect murder. Circus murder is the perfect murder. Circus murder.

Here are some other ways you could kill somebody in a circus. Okay, please. Poison cotton candy. Yes. That one's easy. Poison hot dogs. Two. Don't give an elephant water for a really long time. Then have them walk into the elephant zone with a bottle of water and the elephant will just go fucking ham on them. Rub peanuts on their clothes. Is that water? Oh, wait. If you dehydrate an elephant, it could They get thirsty enough. Offer like an amateur sword swallower booth because, well, that's a little on the nose, isn't it? Try sword swallowing. You've heard so much about it. Oh, you think it's so easy? Yeah. Oh, get a very standoffish

sword swallower to join your circus. Well, then you do it and then like, that just takes care of itself. You've read about it in red book. You've seen it on Travel Channel. Now is your chance to experience sword swallowing for yourself. You think with Cirque du Soleil got up in it, they're like, here's my idea for circus. Two, two steps. One, weirdly sexual. Two, let's take the murder out. That's the only reason that Cirque du Soleil is so popular is because the audience don't get the same murder vibes they get from the circus. Do you think that this idea was sort of the impetus for Spider-Man turned off the dark? Yeah. We miss all the murder. Where's the murder? Where's the murder? The old circus days,

old vaudeville days. Bring it back, you two. Okay, we'll both bring it back. You got, okay. Sorry we took it. Done. How about a question, Jess? Yeah, I got one for you and please stop looking at me. I really just can't. My office buys food for lunchtime meetings. After the meeting is over, the food is placed in the break room. I learned from our receptionist that she throws away any food at the end of the day if anything is left. Sometimes there are containers full of food left. I have decided that rather than let the food go to waste, I would bring containers on the days that food would be available and try to bring it home. Am I good? That's from not quite dumpster diving in Fisher's, Indiana.

I love this Black Hawk Down. Leave no delicious taquitos behind. It all depends on your timing. Okay. Because if they serve the food at like 12.15 and they order a bunch of pizzas for lunch and you go through with the plate and a Tupperware and you're like, you're not going to eat all this. I'm taking it with me. You're a jerk. Yeah, Travis, that's food theft. But if you wait until like 4.59 and you just barely beat the receptionist to the thing and save the pizza, you're a hero. If you drive your Ford Focus into the front window of the Papa John's and then jump out and steal all the pizzas before it's even delivered to your office, then yeah, that's not acceptable. I'm just saying there's a thin line between like

a pizza theft and a pizza hero. You know what I mean? And it's about four hours. There is a good point there of like, is there extra pizza? You found it? No, there's one. If you have extra pizzas, okay, somebody brings in a stack of pizzas from Papa John's, right? They're all piping hot and fresh. They're delicious. They're amazing. You could get that dang Christ to get a little bit of sprinkle on it. Right. If somebody walks in as soon as the doors are open and they're like, this one's going home with me, that's a monstrous thing to do. At some point during the day, it becomes okay for them to be like, I'm taking one of these and everyone will be like, oh, thank God. What is that point? I think it's the way to everybody's full

of pizza. Because when you're full of pizza, there's nothing more deplorable to you than pizza. You just have to go, you have to go cubicle by cubicle, like, Dan, you full? Susan, you full? Yeah. And actually, you want some more? What kind? I will get it for you. I got to expedite this process. Have you ever been so full of pizza that you watch someone else eat pizza and you're like, what are you doing? That's disgusting. You're the devil. Also, no tea, no shade. But at the end of this question, I thought it was going to end with, I bring containers to some sort of hunger thing or shelter place. Yeah, one of the things that hunger places prize the most is if I can stay at last feet at a Tupperware, you brought for work. Oh, thank you.

This will feed no one. It's returning in the trash. That was a good zone out. I just caught a really juicy one. Oh, well, because I think I've come up with a solution. What you need to do is you need to organize with whoever the office manager is who takes care of food. And you need to take however much is left at the end of the day, right? And then minus that much from the next time they order food. Because what appears to be happening here is your supply and demand is way off. You need to get the supply lower so the demand is higher or else yours is wasting food. And not only wasting food, but you could create a game here where you know if there's 100 people in your office, there's only food for 99. So who's

going to be the hundredth and that hundredth just doesn't get food on that Friday? That's fun because then you can also have an office pool and whoever loses the office pool has to get the food the next time. I'm broken, I think, in a way because there's nothing less appetizing to me. And I don't know if maybe I'm alone in this, but like any time food is provided on like a table and everybody's waiting in line to eat it, that's profoundly unappetizing to me. I never want to eat in that scenario. And I think partially it's because I'm overweight and like nobody wants, I feel like it's such a bad look to be like, I can't even wait for this. And I feel like I'm always the person when dinner is available. They always say, somebody get it started off, Griffin,

come on. And I'm like, I always wonder why I'm the, I'm the hunky boy that has to fire the starting pistol. I think the thing that trips me up about it is if you're in line for food, what you're saying is, I'm really worried there's not going to be enough for everybody. And I want to get my taste. Like, especially if you're the first one in line, it looks like you're like with your body like you're just saying, stay back, stay back. These potatoes are mine. You know, you know, I'm the hunky boy. What are you even doing? Then, but of course, see that bites me in the ass sometimes because we were at Max Funcon East last weekend. And there was some, I went up to get, I waited a little bit too long. And then I went up and there was a thing of three cheese tortellini

in the thing. And I missed out and there wasn't any in there. That's okay. There's plenty of other food for the rest of the fucking weekend. All anybody wanted to talk about was this three cheese tortellini. It was really good. Get in there. Get in there. I missed out. I just love how much we're talking about that. Good, good food. Okay, here's the problem. Here's the problem question I've just realized the issue here. How many times can you do this in a row before you gain the reputation as the one who takes food home every time? I understand. Because you'll start to hear these jokes at 12.15 when the pizza gets there, like, oh, make sure you leave some for Stan. Am I right, Stan? And you guys say, like, I just don't want... He feeds it to his weird birds.

I told you guys I don't have birds. I don't have birds and the pizza just gets thrown away. Oh, yeah, you love trash pizza. This is a very angry workplace. It's for my ferret named Stan's bird. Stan's bird loves pizza. My ferret, Stan's bird loves pizza. As long as we're talking... Where are people even getting ferrets? We've spiraled. Yeah, we've spiraled. Can I read a yahoo that's like maybe the best transition we've ever had on this show? Hell yeah. It's sent in by Aaron Keese. We're going to come up with that nickname. The keysblade. Jesus. It's from yahoo answers you. Keesman. Calvster. Just let him get through it. Look at how weak he is.

I really, all of my bones are gone. It's from yahoo answers you. It's your calvster who says, who asks, would you eat a bag of bread rolls that have been mysteriously left at your doorstep? What? What? It's a really good transition, huh? Wait a minute. Would you eat a bag of bread rolls that have been mysteriously left at your doorstep? Let's put some parameters on this. You got home at five. Five thirty. Who is it? Nobody's... Who left this bag of bread rolls on my doorstep? With a note saying, I can't care for these bread rolls. Please. Please adopt these bread rolls. I made too many. Sincerely, a neighbor. A bag of bread rolls that have been mysteriously left at your

doorstep. You know my biggest worry would be the first thing I would think was, what am I putting out in the world? Like what? Maybe we'll see me day to day that they think, I need to get that man some rolls. That man can't. He's not responsible enough to get his own rolls. I need to look at him. Look at him over there. So, roll this. Could... I mean, would I eat the... Okay. There is a temperature at which these rolls would be served where it would arrive on my doorstep where I think, whoa, nice. Somebody just breaks some fresh bread rolls. Oh, you're saying if they're warm. No. I'm saying there is a temperature at which I would think, oh, someone may freshly made rolls. Like if an oven on a truck rolled up and

they pulled rolls out through them in a bag. See, I was going to go the other way, Jamie. I'm saying if I could just finish, there's a temperature at which I would make that assumption. There is another temperature. It is one degree next to that one where I think, what the fuck happened to these rolls? Did you leave them in your car? Did you leave them underneath your seat? Where do these rolls come from? I think if they're frozen, I feel a lot more comfortable. If somebody brings me like, pop in the oven, set to 350 for 45 minutes and these rolls will be done rolls. I'm like, okay, you wait to the store. You bought too many frozen rolls. Mystery frozen rolls left on your doorstep are the act of an assailant. And that should not...

You would rather have hot rolls. Like, so delicious, can't say no to these. Guys, we've got a new, like, hot... Would you rather think it's the new cake or pie, Elvis or Beatles? Would you rather eat mystery frozen bread rolls left at your door or mystery hot and fresh out the kitchen bread rolls left at your door? I would like to make one argument, I think we'll settle this. I will mediate because I'll eat both those motherfuckers. If they're frozen, you're going to bake them at 350 for a set amount of time and bake a lot of evil away. If they're hot and fresh, you just pop them straight in your mouth? Anthrax burn right off. Burn that right off. You burn any tiny bug germs off there. Toast that anthrax.

That's a lot of work. And I think that I would not... I think a hot roll is a roll from a friend. A frozen roll is a roll from somebody who wants to waste your afternoon. And I would trust the first person more than I would the second. Who in your life would you find out you got some hype and hot rolls from and you go, that makes sense? One of my greatest regrets is that I've not cultivated a life in which I've drawn people around me that would leave piping hot rolls on my doorstep. I think I have many mystery admirers who would bring me frozen rolls and that would make sense to me. They'd be like, here I took three steps. You take three steps, we meet in the middle. I got you some frozen ones,

you bake them yourself and now we're best friends. It is weird to think about like, there's definitely a period in history where like, if you were to watch a movie about Robin Hood and he was just like, left a basket full of piping hot rolls on a poor family's doorstep, they'd open the door and be like, oh, it's amazing. We'll live through the week. And there's something that happened at some date where somebody's like, what have you done? What the fuck? What is this? I also want you to know that in my mind, the sound that Robin Hood made when he dropped those rolls off was thwip Robin Hood away, which I'm pretty sure is not correct. I just want to say top answer here from Forte 88-ing says, nope, I'd either take it to the park for youngsters to

feed the ducks or give it to my neighbor as I don't eat bread other than dark rye. How do you Forte? How do you know they aren't dark rye rolls, bud? They might be dark rye rolls. And what if your neighbor put them there and now you look like a real dick? If you're like, somebody dropped these rolls, I don't want them gross, right? And your neighbor's like, yeah, gross. I guess that would be... What if the rolls... The one thing I can say concretely about the person who answered that question is that they have never met a young child. Yeah. Because if you're running stats on whether or not these kids are going to pop on those bad boys in their mouth, job one, you have not met a little kid because that has happened.

That's the first thing they do is going to put that right in their mouth. And I remember when I was a tot and I would walk around the park so forlorn because I just didn't have random rolls to feed the duck. Just hoping for some roll hero to bring me some mystery rolls. You grab bread out of the fucking duck's mouth just so you could throw it back to other ducks. Yeah. They were like, no, duck, you've had enough. What, as a parent, I cannot imagine a reality in which somebody's like, hey, I got some, I got a pipe and hot roll for a youngster. You see, I only eat dark rye and somebody left these on my doorsteps and went away. The whipped creepy roll man away.

Why does everyone have spider-man abilities? I don't know. You gave everybody spider-man abilities. Should we go on Money Zone? Yeah, we should. First sponsor this week I want to tell you all about is Casper. I've been sleeping on that Casper. Griffin, actually, Griffin, why don't you do this one? Because you've been sleeping on Casper. I'm going to say this about Casper and I want to read all this stuff because I'm very tired. I've eaten six crackers in three days, but it's made for a wonderful bed for my convalescence. If you are going to get severe diarrhea, can we just say illness, please God.

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Tell me all about this next one, Jayman. We've been working on our TV show trying to get our look right. And the one thing I didn't worry about is a gray sweater. You know why? Because of Trunk Club. Because 90 degrees in Huntington. Why do you need a sweater for? Trunk Club is a style service. You're going to call them.

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Or chunk club. Okay. Well, you've belittled me. I thought you did great. Well, come to the trunk club. Trunkclub.com slash my brother. I'm going to give you some kisses. This is a message for Michael from Cindy.

You are the absolute best person I could ask to marry. You are so good. I know you won't be mad whenever this shows up, even though I promised to do this in June of 2015 and completely forgot. Also, brothers, please weigh in. With the last name for Richardson, make us sound like sexy bank robbers.

V-R-I-C-H-A-R-D-S-O-N for Richardson. Only in the sense that when you make a deposit and like, what's your last name? Richardson. And then they spend an hour trying to spell it. And by then, like they're like, okay, I think I finally, wait, the vault's empty. And where's all our pins?

Where's all our pins? And that's your signature. You see all the pins. We tell people this all the time, you don't have to take the heat for forgetting this stuff. We'll do that. Put it on us. I remember back in June of 2015

when Cindy first sent this message in. There you go. I want to tell everybody about Heath Sledge. My dear friend Heath Sledge is not someone I have met, but she is an academic writing consultant who wants to make your academic writing task feel less stomach achingly awful. She's a freelance editor with a PhD in English

and 10 years of experience working with academic writers. And Heath wants to help you finish and or publish your journal article, grant application, dissertation, book manuscript without tears. All sorts of excessive drinking. That was probably tears. Do you think that Heath would help me write

like a book of sad lives? Or I actually have an idea for a play that I'm not allowed to discuss until I complete all their projects. If Heath did that, Heath could be tried for war crimes. And I don't think he... The play will be good.

The sad lives will be bad. Yeah. So Heathsledge.com, go there and make your writing better. It can be scary to start a writing project because you sit there like, well, this is bad. But Heath is going to sit there and both make it good and tell you it's good. So you don't have to worry about it.

I think you should start your project before you get in touch with Heath. I don't think Heath's going to walk over here. Call Heath and say, I have an idea for a dissertation. What do you think? What do you think? You shouldn't call Heath and be like, Yo, Heath, what are we doing?

Heath, I want to make a bespoke presentation. Heath, what's a book I could do for writing? It's quite possible. I need to call Heath to find out where the word bespoke is. I use it a lot in my day to day life. And I've just realized I'm not a hundred percent sure. That's an easy job for Heath.

Heath would appreciate you giving her a job like that easy. What's bespoke? Well, I'll tell you, job over. Hi, are you a fan of Star Trek the next generation? Well, that's weird because it's a corny show. But my friends, Ben Harrison and Adam Pranicka do a lovely podcast about it. It's called The Greatest Generation

and it's on MaximumFun.org. I thought that this podcast was a bad idea, but I was wrong. Please listen to The Greatest Generation on MaximumFun.org. Three weeks ago, Prang Man has showed up on our back door. After a week, I put her in a box and moved her in my neighbor's garden.

But the next day, she was back in the same place. Oh, man. I don't want to kill her, but she's been very big. And my wife and I are both too nervous to use the back door in case she jumps on us. Very real danger. Very real danger. Plus, she hangs out on the street and is always watching.

What should I do? Creep to Chicago. What are you doing in there? Have you heard the good news? I'm a Prang Mantis. Oh, listen, I'm not a big bug. Spider, you know, tiny crawly thing. You're not a big spider. I'm not a big spider.

We've covered this. But I would say that like, there is no amount of big that that Prang Mantis is, that it is any threat to you. Yeah, but that is scary. This is this. Here, I'll murk a spider. I don't fucking care.

A Prang Mantis is so exotic and beautiful, and yet also scary. This is the perfect bug for this situation to be about. Because like, I couldn't kill a Prang Mantis because it's got too much. Personality. Two reasons why. First reason, too exotic.

I, they may be, they may be like. It could grant wishes. It could grant wishes, I don't know. For sure. The second thing is they have too much stuff. Like if I goosh to a Prang Mantis, like they have too many parts that I would see gooshed. Like a mosquito, you just like flap,

and they're just like a dust, dust. They're dust, man. You just dust them. Prang Mantis, it would be like, I don't know, stepping on a crab or something. Like there's too much stuff. I would also say that of all the bugs in the world, the Prang Mantis is the one that I could most see

like having as a pet. Sure. Because it seems to have personality. Does the pet tilt? Let's not go crazy here, because its hands are swords. So. What I'm saying, when it looks at you, it like does, it seems to have personality.

It has a little bit going for it. What, that I don't see in other bugs, but I see a Prang Mantis like hanging out, and I'm like, hey, how is your day? And it seems to be really interesting in my mind. Well, you know what? I'm going to go out on a limb. More so than a goldfish.

I think a Prang Mantis. Maybe that's it. Maybe this Prang Mantis, just like a dog. If a dog kept showing up on your porch, you wouldn't put the dog in a box and take it over your neighbor's garden. No, you would like, well, maybe adopt the dog or you call someone.

It depends on if you're a dog person or not. If a cat kept coming around, you put a little dish of cream for them. You know what I mean? I'm saying maybe this Prang Mantis has scoped inside your house from the back door. It's like, wow, that's a pretty sweet set up in there. I would like to get in on this.

Happy party of family? I would like to be in your, it's cold as shit out here and it's bad. And then you put me in a garden. I came all the way back because I love you. You ever see a Homeward Bound? I just did a small version of that. I did a small Homeward Bound.

And you know, Homeward Bound, they put the dogs in a box and they put them in the neighbor's house. And like three minutes later, they're right back. I'm just saying, maybe open your heart and let a Prang Mantis. I think if I'm your neighbor also, by the way.

Thank you. Thanks. Thank you. Thanks. Probably what I facilitate this is the neighbor looks out and they see a box in their garden and then they go out there and they're like, what the fuck is this? Even better if they see you doing it.

What are they doing? Look at Steve's in our garden with a box. Should we call some bug? I know. This is some bread rolls for me. Pop. What? No.

There's not bread rolls in your house. This isn't bread rolls. This is a bug. This is a nice bug. This is a bug with swords on its hands. This is a bug with a sign around its neck where it says your problem now. I'm looking at pictures of Prang Mantises

and guys, I just cannot get behind this little preacher. Look at the personality that Prang Mantis is face. His eyes are red. Why do you like this? I don't like it. I'm just saying that that Prang Mantis looks to me like it's going, hey. How about this one, this Yahoo.

Do you guys want this Yahoo? Wouldn't it be Mantai? Prang Mantai? It's not important. Do you guys want a Yahoo though? How big are they though? They can be arm length. They can be, you're kidding me.

See, I've been talking a big fucking game. If that was longer than like two inches long, we don't have a discussion. There's not a discussion here. I'm calling the authorities. Yeah, I would call the cops probably. We call up police. We've got like a, it came from the desert kind of situation.

Yeah. Hi. I'm not comfortable with. Hi, it's me, Justin. We have a, it came from the desert situation in my house. We'll be right there. You of course remember the IBM classic. Are you familiar with the Pokemon Scyther?

It's real. And it's happening to me. Do you want a Yahoo? Damn, I haven't thought about it. It came from the desert. Aw, damn. We are never going to get to this fucking Yahoo. Damn, son of a where.

I miss you guys. It's a good game. It's a good game. Hey, do you guys want to maybe do a Yahoo? Yeah, I love that. This one was sent in by ride and hi, Rachel Rosen. Thank you.

Wait, no, that's Zoe Kinski's thing. Son of a game, recognize game, Rachel Rosen. Sorry, I'm, I don't have any bones. It's from Yahoo Answers user, no name. So we're going to go to the next one, which is supernova mic 11. Supernova mic 1 through 10 is taken? Yeah, supernova mic 11 asks in all caps.

Can a paleontologist like Jurassic Park or no? I hear people say all the time, nobody who truly likes dinosaurs should like slash be a fan of Jurassic Park because it's inaccurate. I'm an aspiring paleontologist and I adore the movie. But can I still like it if I'm an aspiring paleontologist? That word's a lot of word to wrap your mouth around. People act like you cannot like both frown face update.

People call JP fans all the time, fan boy, and say they know nothing of real dinos. I do. This movie is what made me want to become a paleontologist. I know some dinos have feathers. I know all this, but can I still be a massive fan of the movie if I become a paleontologist? How often, hold on,

I'm going to pick right out of the middle there and say, how often does it come up that you're standing in a circle of people and you're like, I like Jurassic Park in circles. Fan boy. Well, I'm betting if you're a paleontologist, more than you would think. Aspiring paleontologists, Justin. I wonder how many times this word says around other paleontologists

before you have to stop being an aspiring paleontologist and you're just a paleontologist at that point. Because if you're an aspiring paleontologist, you're a person who likes dinosaurs. See, that word is a real. It's a real hard one. And I think it's paleontology. If you're hanging with a squad of paleontologists.

I'm actually going to say, let's not, let's stop saying, trying to say paleon, paleon fall. To say paleos. And let's just say dino boys. If you're a dino boy and you're hanging out with other dino boys. I just watched Justin hit his face on his microphone. Dumb animal.

What I'm trying to think of other examples of movies that would fall under. That's the problem. You don't have a lot of dino options if you're a dino boy. But no, I'm saying like, if you want to be, like, if you're an aspiring doctor, can you say your favorite movie is Patch Adams? You know, like, what's, what's the other ones? We're like, if you're, if you're a vampire slayer,

you just can't like Van Helsing. Well, no, that one actually works. It's if you can't be a vampire fan. Because here's the thing, JP one, they don't really do nothing to the dinos really. But by the time you get to JP four or JW, they just are like, it's just Andy from Parks and Rec just shooting dinosaurs in the mouth with shotguns over

and over and over and over again. And it's hard to be like, hell, yeah, fuck them up. But also be like, I want to study these beautiful beasts. I, I'm trying. Do you think if you're like a historian, any movie about the past falls under this or like, I can't like, like 75% of movies I cannot enjoy. I would say that like,

there's a vast swath of like medical shows that Sidney can't enjoy, or at least not without like a heavy scoff and a sigh. But I think you can still like them, even if they're inaccurate, right? Like Grey's Anatomy is like, yeah, okay, they did the spinal tap and that is how they did it. But then they fucked them right there on the bed. Yeah, that's just to test.

Why were there icicles in the room? They said it's like, we have to test that spine. It's like, no, you don't. I'm about to spinal tap that dick. What? That's not even the saying. I'm about to tap that dick. And then like, and then like the shin starts playing. Shonda, get at me girl.

Do you need a show runner? Shonda, it's time. Let me fuck up that spot. Let me get all of them in Grey's Anatomy and get crazy in there. It's time. Shonda, my little bro taking shit on Grey's Anatomy or what? We're all ready for it. Well, this is the one thing is no production.

We need to get it last longer than a half hour, because Griffin is really going to have to step out. What's the worst thing you could let me do in one episode? Kill all the characters? You already did that, Shonda. Come on. Let me get crazy. One episode.

That's all I want. I'm going to bring Kyle Chandler back. Yes, he did explode in that one episode, but I've got a way around it. I put him back together with sex. It was sexy out of me. And I put all the meat back together. Half the characters are Grey's Anatomy or ghosts,

and they fall in love with each other. It used to be people pining for ghosts, but now the ghost fall in love and they have their own ghost adventures. Once the lights are off. Spin off. Yeah. I love it. I would be the best Grey's Anatomy show ever.

This is actually why I can't watch Maren, because I'm like, that's not what podcasting is like. I can't do it. And also because he keeps shooting podcasters over and over again. It's like, I can't celebrate this thing. I'm not okay with this. How long have you been going, Juice? Well, sir.

44 minutes. Wow. It seems a lot longer when we're sitting in the same room, doesn't it, fellas? No fucking shit. But we did record the intro already. So. What do you mean?

That's included in the span of the 44. Cool. Yeah. We're doing great. Another question, Justin. We are, one thing I will say is we're making better time through questions than we normally would. Yeah.

It's just because we're not being as funny as we're all together and we're so tired. And so there's more. I'm not tired. I feel great and I'm ready to make a television program. Awesome. Great. My little, I'm the only thing that's slowing me down.

My only baggage is I'm carrying right now. Is it very worried about my little brother? Brother's dying. Yeah. That's the only problem. And he just keeps getting littler and littler as the day goes by. I've lost three inches shorter. I've lost like seven pounds.

Did you weigh yourself for sure? Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it. That's so good to get TV ready, though. It's so bad. You're doing great. Yeah.

It's TV. I'm not TV ready, though, because you need bones to be on television. You need them TV bones. Rita, a question, Justin. A few days ago, I was on a four-hour flight to LA. The flight attendant handed out snacks to me and the other passengers in my row. A few minutes after I finished my cheese nips and peanuts, the man sitting next to me picked up his unopened snacks

and motioned them as if to say, would you like these? Oh my God, I read ahead. I motioned what I felt like was a firm no and said thanks anyway. And he placed the snacks on my tray and said, maybe you'll change your mind later. I didn't know what to do. I placed it in the seat pocket in front of me and put on my tray. When the flight attendant came around to collect trash,

I handed her the unwanted packs. Am I good? How can I avoid being the trash man for my fellow passengers? That's from Snack Attack in Kansas City. That's exactly what this was, Kansas City. This was a snack attack. You got attacked by snacks. Do you look like, when you would fly,

do you dress yourself like a Dickensian orphan? Was he like trying to look after you in like a paternal way? I just want to say that like the real, I want to know more about the character in this story that looked at you and said, you might want these later. And what I would say is a very mysterious way, as though that person has some kind of precognizance or perhaps like is like, trust me, you'll need these cheese nips. Oh, shit.

You're saying like at the airport, a pack of wild dogs gets loose and it's coming to attack you. And if you'd have the cheese nips, you use nips on dogs. Have you ever seen the movie Paycheck, which is a terribly named movie for what is actually a really cool concept where Ben Affleck sends himself a bag of cheese nips and he's like, you'll need these. It's that kind of thing.

Only it's a passenger. Maybe from the future. I don't know. But I can't imagine another scenario in which I would look at a human being. I didn't know and say, you might need these later. But okay. That was weird. That was a good movie.

It was a good movie with a terrible, terrible name. It's based on a Philip K. Dick story, which I can't remember the name of. Do you remember the name of the original story? It was Uncle Craiggy's funny day at the office. Or colon or a wacky time machine ride to the future starring Ben Affleck. Starring Uma Thurman's boyfriend. I think I picked that up at the Scholastic Book Fair one year. I picked it up and it was Uncle Craiggy's.

Okay. This one's on Philip K. Dick. Okay. He did call it Paycheck. That's a terrible name. I thought them blame fucking Philip K. Dick try this. I would never. I don't know how much you have traveled listener, but I think is the highest form of hubris to not

slip those cheese snacks in your bag because I guarantee you here in about an hour, you're going to be in a cab and you're going to be trying to find your hotel. And all you're going to be able to think about is the trash. You're literally going to think about calling the airline to say, those are legally my nips. Can you please? Did somebody grab those? Did somebody save those nips? Have this whole time just a quick poll.

Have we been saying nibs or nips? Okay. Is that nibs? I found, I almost missed my flight here to Huntington. I missed my connection, I should say. I barely had time to run on it. I was like two and I had not eaten lunch and luckily passed me had left little Delta biscottis and a cliff bar.

And I was like, hello sunshine. When I was flying here from LA anyway, and then I got norovirus. So maybe it was the biscot when I moved here when flying from LA to Huntington. I was given a meal because I purchased a special seat because I'm a special boy. I was giving me on. I got hamburger and I'd be interested hamburger to find chunks of porcelain in it. Because a corner of the plate had broken and it had stuck to the lettuce and tomato that I put on the hamburger.

And the point of the story is I scraped that porcelain off and I finished it. Well, yeah, it's your fancy sky burger. I'm not going to turn down that sky burger, I'm going to eat that burger. That's good mood food, baby. I'm not turning down that burger. And so did your cheese nibs have porcelain in them? Because if not, you have no excuse. Nice.

And Travis, you said, you told me when I heard this story previously, that you try to get another sky burger and they were like, no, we only brought. We brought eggs. Exactly enough. That's some great of both options because it was like it was a chicken salad sandwich and a hamburger. And they like they bring like six and six, I guess. And like that's it.

That's a crazy gamble that like nothing that you have exactly enough. Like we're in the air. What if I'm hung? I really actually am very uncomfortable now with the fact that like I get sky hungry. The only sort of assurance that I've had is that like if I'm sky hungry, someone is going to be able to hook me up up there. The fact that they have literally enough rations for everyone on board. That's terrifying.

Not everyone on board, Justin. Everyone in the front. Like 10 rolls at the plate. Oh, I know how it is. And if you're in the back, I've seen them run out of the little snack trays that have grapes and cheese in them. Yeah, there's there's nothing that old. You didn't bring enough Pringles for every tray or privilege quicker than like.

Hey, let's slow it down. Hey, not every there's lots of great snack options. Sometimes you're going to have to get Pringles. I want the hummus, please. Sometimes when I'm sitting in the back of the plane, I'm walking to get my seat and I'm just walking past the people in like the first class in the front, like 20 bros. And like I just see all the people wearing the like shirts that say like good,

good Pringles boy on it. They have little signs that say like I can't wait to slam some Pringles and like little badges that say National American Pringles Convention. I don't know why it's both National and the American Pringles Convention. And some of them are just like big boys with Pringle crumbs in their mouths. And I just think like I'm not going to get any fucking Pringles on this. They're not going to make it back to me, are they? Unless the Pringles start in the back of the plane and that never happens.

That's what that's what they call it. Pilots privilege. Have you ever thought about pushing the button and when she comes and they're like, how can I help you? And you're like Pringles. I'm like, no, we'll be bringing. No, no, no, no. No, you don't understand Pringles now.

I ran a quick head count on my way in. You're not making it. Sir, we have a lot of Pringles. You have to shut up. Stop it. Shut up. Stop it. You're embarrassing.

You listen to me now. Look at all these Pringles fans. This is real Pringles. Count them with me. Yeah. One, two, three, four. There's too many. There's some Pring heads in here.

Listen, I understand you're a Pring now. What I have in my hand is a $10 bill. This $10 bill could be in your hand. If maybe you just slide one underneath one of the wheels. Or that's not a good place for Pringles. No. Bye. Oh, no.

You're on the ground. You're in Tulsa. I'm gone. What a, what a terrible waste. After the snack service, go to the toilet. There'll be one remaining Pringles. Reach inside the lotion, the hand sanitizer. Pull out individual Pringles.

Find a series of Pringles in underneath each thing. Fuckin' 15 rows in front of you here, little boy. Like, thank you for buying me the chips, daddy. And you're like, they're crisps. He doesn't even deserve them. They're reconstituted potato granules. But can I have one? Is he going to eat all of them?

But do ask your boy to hit me up. Should we end the, thanks Pringles for the sponsorships. Thank you Pringles for the sponsorship. You know that then that's going to do it for us on our program. I was just about to talk more about Pringles and how they legally can be called. No, I know you talked about it. I can't tell you how many times you talked about this on the podcast. What episode of, what episode of how Pringles are made, did you watch?

Go ahead, you guys wrap it up. No, you. I read it in Uncle John's bathroom reader. Travis, did you have anything to add? No, I was just going to say that I wanted to hear your story, Jess. I was excited to be in the same room with you for the first time. Did you know for a while? Did you know for a while.

Are you drooling to even Pringles? No, because I'm not like what Pringles even want to talk about. Um, um, margin, you know, for a while, the butter lobby made it so that, uh, margin couldn't be yellow. So margin, when you bought it in the store, we actually come with a little coloring packet that you, that you would squeeze into your margin and stirred around to give it. That color would have been just white. Just white.

Yeah. That's so much fun. We need more interactive foods caused by. Lawyers caused by lawyers and lobbyists. Um, anyway, that's my story about, um, this has been a Justin McElroy food fact. All right. That's going to do it for us. This means I'm so weak.

You're going to live Griffin. I believe in you. I would like to encourage everybody because we are starting filming tomorrow or today, whenever you listen to this, and we're going to be like trying to do updates and pictures and stuff like that. So, uh, you can check out our Twitter at mbmbam. Um, and we've also just started an Instagram account for the show called, and the name is my brother, my brother, and me all one word because someone has claimed mbmbam.

Um, my brother, my brother, and me all one word and we'll post photos and maybe some videos and stuff like that over the next couple of weeks. We have a PO box where people have sent us things. And I want to say some quick thank yous. Thanks to David for sending along the serial though. You're very kind. Vince, thank you for the meat sticks. Brenna, thank you for sending your book.

Um, Glenn Tickle, uh, sent us a copy of his CD. Yes, really available in stores now. So you can, um, check that out, go check that out. And, um, hold on. Let me grab that box. I was going to grab a box. We should also say, uh, we're going to be doing our candlelight show at the end of the month. So if you have candlelight specific questions, start sending them in now with the, uh, with

the subject line candle nights. Um, and if you're going to be at the show, try to include that either like in somewhere in the body of the question or afterwards to let us know so that we're not sitting up on stage going, is Steven here? And like eight Stevens, right? Well, that's a horrible name, but if it's like, Steven's not a horrible name. Well, no, I mean, a horrible example name.

Can't like candle nights and, and kills or whatever. And like, we'd want to know that name before we tried to see if they were in house. So yeah, things are going to be a little weird for a few weeks. So just like, thank you for hanging with us. It's your fault that we're in this scenario. Your support made this happen, you monsters. So you just got to like hang in there with us for a little bit and then we'll be back on a regular, regular groove.

And we'll all be in different rooms again. Yeah. Like as God intended, as it's supposed to be. So yeah, thank you. Um, you can check out macroyshows.com. I want to thank, uh, Brittany from London, Ontario for sending me, uh, Karlie Rejepsen vinyl. Sorry, it sounds like I'm tearing up. I'm just, my bones are gone.

Um, and Karlie Rejepsen shirt is very, very sweet. Thank you so much. Make sure you go check out all the other amazing shows on maximumfun.org. There's a ton on there. You're going to fall in love with all of them, uh, or your money back. You didn't pay any money to be there. So it's not a good deal. Do you guys want to find all yahu?

Hit me. This is sent in by game recognized game Rachel Rosen. Thank you, Rachel. It's by Yahoo Answers user before the sun sets on her 16th birthday. Who asks, how can I explain to my idiot aunt that flute doesn't attract snakes? When he was just a backer, I'm Travis backer. I'm Griffin McElroy.

He's been my brother. My brother. Me kiss your dad square on the lips. maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported Hey there, European Max Funsters. Do not miss your chance to catch some of your favorite Max Fun shows

live at the London podcast festival, September 22nd through 26th. See amazing guests like Armando Iannucci, Josie Long and Romare on stage with Jesse Thorne during bullseye, Busta Gut at classic panel show hijinks with international waters and witnessed some tough but fair internet justice dispensed by Judge John Hodgman himself. The beef and dairy network show is already sold out, but hey, at least you can enjoy being in the proximity of the premier expert on beef animals and dairy herds, right? More guests will be announced soon and tickets are going fast. Go to maximumfun.org for tickets right now so you don't live a life steeped in regret.