My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 323: How I Lost the Fateful Basketball Game to Mr. Carter

Episode Date: October 4, 2016

We're very happy to be back in the loving embrace of our Original Broadcasting Medium, Podcasts -- mostly because making television is, scientifically speaking, the most difficult job that a person can have. See, in podcasts, you can just talk about Kazaam for like 20 minutes, and boy, that's an episode. Cut and print. Suggested talking points: TV Exhaustion, AirBnBuddies, The Secret of the Bees, Never Been Pineapple'd, Shaq Beverages

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother and my brother meeting advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-aged brother Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother Griffin McElroy, don't you know? We did it, America. We did it, everybody. Yeah, I don't know that this is necessarily good intro fodder. Like,

obviously, I'm happy that we did a television show, and to be back home with all of my novelty coffee mugs and my wife and stuff, but all we really did was work for three weeks. What? How are people doing it out there day to day? We get so many emails from people, and it's like, life is really hard for me right now. Thank you all for being such a shining light in that hard time. And they always find those emails very confusing, because it's like, no, life is very easy. It's very easy and good. You do like an hour of work, and then people listen to it, and it's good, and you're good, baby. And it's good. Like, you do one hour of work. Like, that's almost a break from the leisure, you know? But like,

this thing we did with the TV show, working every day is honestly, it's taken a genuine toll on me sort of physio-spiritually. Yeah, the other day, I came out of the HQ where we were filming, and I was walking down the street, and this construction worker who was like just covered in dirt and dust, and he'd been jackhammering all day. Gross. He looked at me, he looked at me, and he said, you poor soul, do you need to sit down for a second? Do you need to take a break? And I said, thank you so much. And he said, I don't need this water as much as you do. And he gave me his water. That was cool of him.

Yeah, like, I think he just recognized like how hard I had been working. And I really appreciated it, you know? I heard the song five o'clock somewhere, and I never understood why all the excitement, and then I finally got it, but get this gang, sometimes we weren't done by five. Which is crazy. We would say it's five o'clock somewhere, but it would be in a mournful tone, because it was 10 where we were, and we still had to work. And we did six episodes of this television show, and it took three weeks, and I almost died. Hey, Frazier, how'd you do it? Because you did a billion episodes, Kelsey? You did a billion episodes, Kelsey, and you're, as far as I can tell, you're okay. You're fine.

I cannot begin to convey to the audience listening how often during this process, we talked about Frazier. Well, because it's unthinkable Travis, what Kelsey accomplished. Well, I will say this. In our defense, Kelsey had a bunch of people helping him make up the jokes, and the three of us just had only about four or five other people to help us create the jokes. Each one of them was worth three people, so that's 12 to 15. But here's what you don't know, not a lot of people know this. The writing staff on Frazier, 123 people. That's amazing. There was a year there where Will Smith legally was in every movie.

And he was also writing for Frazier. He's writing for Frazier, and also he put out a Big Willie style, or William. How did you do that, bud? I would love to see the pictures of Will Smith on set for Independence Day, and in one hand he's got a pen writing Big Willie style, and in his left hand he's got a pen writing Frazier, because he's ambidextrous and can write a hit musical album and a great script about how Niles is super in love with Daphne at the same time. Making fun of a certain type of wine. What you didn't know about Will Smith is that in every movie he is in, there is always a comfortable

king-sized bed just directly off-frame that he lays down in and goes hard to sleep between every take. So it's literally like, you know the difference between you and me? I make this look good, just falls down, and it's just like full Huey-Duey-Lewy, snoring like a swoon. A feather raising up and down over his mouth as he snores. Yes, absolutely. The hard thing is getting him into the nightgown, because it often covers his microphone. Well, he's got a walls and grommet-esque machine that basically

cares his clothes off. Taptor open, he falls through hands, hands, clothes, shirt, night shirt, cap, and then feather over lips, he breathes, it goes up and down, and then it's like, okay, Will, we're back. Bed springs him back up, he goes through his costume, and now he's suddenly just fully dressed for it, and now he's back to making Hancock. You know what I mean, Mike? That's his day. My initial revelation upon making a TV show for three weeks was that I needed to be nicer to everybody who had made a TV show before, because it's so hard, but I think maybe what I mean is anybody who has a job to work. Like if you do a job every day, like my blessings to you,

Fendi, because that is a very difficult gig you got going, and by which I mean any job are very hard. Any jobs that require consistent amounts of work. Do you think when a new Hollywood it girl or boy is like starting to come up, they have a, like when Chris Pratt did Guardians of the Galaxy, and it was like, well, he's in everything now, do you think he had a moment after Guardians, where he was like, oh God, like he saw it sort of like a tall wave about to crash down. I'm like, oh Jesus God, no. I got too much heat. I'm too busy. I got too much heat. I gotta go. It's like when a spaceship reenters the atmosphere, you know what I mean? Like you start picking up speed towards the earth, and like those just flame waves

start emanating from in front of Chris Pratt's face. He was doing like 10 movies, and then he was also in Jurassic World, which is like the biggest movie ever. And then when he did Jurassic World, they're like, you know, Doug, we're going to make eight more of these right, and you're in all of them. He's like, oh Jesus God, and Jesus, what I do. How about, let's get into, let's get into stuff. Thank you. If you work a full-time job, hats off to you. I also want to say, I love you, brother, so much, but I'm also really glad we're all in different rooms now. Oh man, yeah, I had to watch you guys eat so many meals, and that's my least favorite of the things. I love so many things about you, but watching your faces while we record podcasts is not one of

them. It's a rid, it really stinks. I really feel like I've reunited with my two best podcast buddies after they were replaced by pod people for three weeks, so. Yeah, my fantasy Justin and fantasy Griffin are two of my favorite people in the world. Yeah, my favorite thing about fantasy microphone Travis and Justin is that they don't need to eat. They just sort of subsist on like making internet jokes, and so they don't, they don't have to eat food, and I don't have to hear or see that happen. It's a real, it's really delightful. People ask us, how do you guys keep such good relationships? I'm not that close to my brother and sister. The answer, if I take my headphones off, they disappear. Here's our first question. Yeah. I haven't seen one of my best friends in two years. She lives in

Texas. I live in New York in a month. She'll be visiting DC, and I'm going down to see her, but we'll be staying with a different friend who lives in DC. How do I tell the DC friend I'm staying with that I want to spend time with my friend from Texas without my DC friend getting offended? Or is this a non-issue? I don't want her to feel like I'm visiting DC just to see my Texas friend. I'm excited to see both. That's from troubled in Brooklyn. This is like so pertinent, because while we were in Huntington goofing aside, we were doing 12-hour days every day, and I didn't have a lot of time to get out and see folks. It's not a burden to get out and see my friends, but it was tricky trying to figure out the schedule on how to do that. I also come

in town to hang out with my family, and so it's hard to say, okay, I'm going to take some time away from hanging with this group of people who I don't get to see very often to hang out with this group of people who I never get to see. This is a really tricky thing, especially if you're the type of person who all of your friends have moved away or you moved away from all your friends. It can be really difficult. My question would be, would these two friends get along? Because there's always the option of making it an all-inclusive thing, and rather than looking at your friends you're staying with and saying, okay, well, I'll see you again in six hours, like say, hey, my friend and I are going to the museum. Do you want to go?

But that can be so bad. If they are not friends in the way that you and the other person are friends, it's going to be weird, because you're going to want to, if I wanted to hang out with one of my old Huntington friends while I was staying with one of my Chicago friends, and I saw my Huntington friend and I didn't, I haven't seen them in a while, and when I catch up, we would probably talk about a bunch of shit that the Chicago friend wouldn't get and vice versa. Not that we have a secret language, a secret friendship language, but you know what I mean. That can also be very, you can really ostracize one of the people if you do it like that. The difference between air being and being with someone and staying with a friend is that you

hang out with them. So like if your friend is letting you stay in their home and then you basically just like only see them in the morning before you go out to do other things and only see them at night when you come home and go to sleep, like that's not, you're kind of taking advantage of it, you know? I tell me if I'm wrong, brothers, because I, and I know that we are not a good sample size because we are alike in many ways, but for me, my assumption is no one has ever had someone stay with them from out of town and not at least some point thought, man, I hope they plan some things to do. Yeah, this is exactly right. Yeah, like absolutely, right? Nobody can handle the pressure of like trying to make sure that you're having a good

time constantly. Like that would be, I don't think anybody actually wants that. Not only that, depending on the length of your stay, you're probably going to hit a point where they will want some alone time. I am so not offended by this. Like when I have friends who come in and stay with us while they're in Austin, like I'm happy to put them up and then I get to hang out with them at our house, which is my favorite place to hang out because this is where all my novelty coffee mugs is, but I don't get offended when they want to go and do other stuff, especially if it's stuff I don't want to do, like hang out with your dumb friend. Yeah, I would say that the key is to find the balance of like, it can't be the first day you get there. It can't be like, if you get

in Friday night, you spend all day with friend number two, but like, number two. But that like, you know, you find a good balance and you make sure you're not short changing one friend to hang out with the other, especially if they've opened their home up to you. Yeah, but yeah, I agree. It's always okay to find a little bit of time. One other side note, you're going from New York to D.C. That's three hours. That's about 45 minutes. Deep as Congo. It's not like a once in a lifetime eat, pray, love, style, journey to India together. Like you're going to, you're taking a train. You're like, you can come back tomorrow. The train costs $4. Like it's, you're good. Unacceptable. You're fine. Just go back later if they're butthurt. How about I like, I do like

though that you and your friend from Texas are doing like a Centrelia Pennsylvania thing. Yeah, and like neither one of you wants to travel to New York or Texas, but you'll meet in the middle in D.C. I think that's fun. How about this Yahoo? It's from, it's sent in by Dan Green. Thank you, Dan. It's by Yahoo Answers User Human Animal. It's posted in pregnancy and parenting, newborn and baby, which is not accurate, but they said, what do bees use honey for? Is it their food? Um, that's it. No further additional details. Um, and before I go any further into like, the really entertaining part of this, just curious if you guys have any sort of initial thoughts on what bees are doing with that good sticky stuff in there.

Yes, it's food for their babies, I believe. They get the, just like, let's, let's, let's sort of just like lay out sort of how bees work. Here's how bees work. So there's the queen bee and she's like, go get me that pollen son. And so they go out and they do get her that pollen son. Well, he would actually be pollen daughter because I believe only worker bees are all female. No one, that's no, no one's pet sure. So anyway, maybe worker bees are male and then the fighter bees are female. No one really knows how that works. So let's not, the big bad beetle borgs are all male, right? No, I think there was a, I think there was a woman one. Shit. Shit. So anyway, bees have, I guess, mad hair on their thorax and they just sort of rub up in the pollen,

bring that home. The pollen somehow, hmm, this is where, this is where things get a little bit crazy because no one is quite sure what happens in the hive. They put it into like oak barrels, I think. Yeah. And like an agent. And they juice it. To perfection. Yeah. I'm pretty sure that they go out and if I remember from the movie Bugs Life, they come back and they go through basically what equates to a car wash that then like scrubs the pollen off of them and turns it into honey if I remember correctly. Based on what I remember from a B movie, they get the pollen, they bring it back, they tell some really funny jokes and then they fuck a human woman. If I remember correctly. So if I remember correct, so the honey, once they have the honey,

do they eat the pollen or do they eat the honey? Is the honey just sort of a griffin? Do you eat flour or do you eat bread? This is an excellent point, but like, does that mean every time we crack open one of those big places, we are essentially smashing in their home and being like, hello. Oh, what is this? Bee food? You need this to live? Delightful. I'll have all of it. It's great. We all have a lot of fun here, but it's their dookie, right? Like honey is bee dookie. It could be. They eat the pollen. It's another thing I'm worried about. Who was, I feel like this is the most like rote line of comedic thinking that maybe exists at this point, but in this particular instance, I think it's worth talking about.

I want to know who the, who the discoverer of honey was, right? Like this, this joke is played like the first person to suck a cow's teeth was like, this is good. I'll have this. This is called milk. Um, that's, that's, that's play, but it really is quite insane. There's somebody was like, so it was like, what is, what is, what is this? Bugs live in here? Bugs that have bugs that, the bugs that have needles on them full of poison. And also there's a million of them. I'm going to eat whatever I find in there. Hello. Exactly what happened Griffin. Somebody saw a hungry old bear getting himself a smackerel of honey. That's what happened. Look at that sticky mess on that bear's mall. That looks delicious.

I want to get myself a smackerel of honey. Okay. So they grab the bear and they pinned it to the ground. They licked the honey up like a right out on the grill. And the bear was like, what are you doing? No, please stop. So very scary if you were the bear. I'm just going to read some answers now. Um, some, uh, Yahoo Answers user anonymous says, yes, honey is their food. Okay. One person suggests that they use honey to lure humans in to remove it from their hive by cutting that part of the hive off. And then they put it in a bucket and sell it in town. So like, I think they're suggesting that bees work together with humans to like, oh,

I hate this part of the hive. I want it to get removed. Let's fill it with this. Let's create a literal honey pot scenario where a person comes in and helps us break apart the parts of our hive that we don't want anymore. Can you imagine if an insect was like that aware of humans to that level? Like if an ant was like, you know what, I hate this old ant hill we've got, let's go attack that picnic. So people will come over and destroy it. And then we can build a new one. Like, so, so, I mean, going down here though, someone says nectar from flowers is food for bees. They make honey. They don't use it for food. They don't use it for food. Honey is made from pollen and nectar for winter. As we can food for the winter, they prefer fresh food like we do.

So which one is it? No, I don't think anybody knows what honey is. I don't think anybody knows what honey is all about, but we're eating it every day. The best answer I can find is the worst, it's the pits. Oh no. Bees, fire round. Okay. And then they gobble up the honey. Okay. Right. But they store it, they gobble up the nectar, right? Yeah. And they store it in a special tummy just for nectar. Good, that's fine. And then when they, then when they get back to the hive, they barf it up. Yes. But it's wet. So other bees flap their wings to dry it until it's delicious, honey. Damn bees, that's a lot of work. So where's the wax, wait, where's the wax come from then? Where's the wax come from? Another unanswered question. And why do they need all this fucking

wax and honey? How are they flavoring it? How are they flavoring it? How do they make it honey flavored? Like there's bees. Thank you. Thank you bees, because you make shit that you don't need and probably don't even want. But I want it very much bees. Thank you. This is, this is excellent work you're doing. With all this wax and honey in there, I bet it's real sexy in a beehive. Yeah. Like spiders make silk, right? But they need that shit to make their webs and shit. That's fine. Bees are making wax. Bees are making honey. I don't even think they know what they're doing. I don't think we spend enough time talking about how sexy it is in the beehive government. Can we go back to just talking about like super sexy. Oh, just tight fucking wet sticky quarters.

Just a bunch of, I mean, there's only one person getting laid, right? And that's the queen, right? I think that's it. And she makes the larvae. No, they give royal jelly to one of the larvae and it eats it and it becomes the queen. It gives her super, it's a mega vitamin that gives it superpowers and it turns into the queen. Or you could put it on your face. That's another option. Absolutely. Boy, I bet that is unaffensive to bees. Yeah. Rather you did it, human. Bees have it rough, but also they're nasty. Bees are quite nasty just barfing on each other and fucking nonstop. And like shitting out stuff that I love. I love your shit, bees. And I'm sorry that you're like disappearing or whatever. Actually, is that even a thing? I don't hear

about that so much anymore. I guess we solved it. Oh, they're back. Oh, they're back. Good. We solved it. What did we do? Can we do that for the other animals? I think we just asked the bees like, where'd they go? Did they see anybody else there that we should get? Oh, did they go, they went somewhere to, they went somewhere to hide for a bit, but then they came back and were like, no, we're good. Stop freaking out. Everybody chill. Hey, you're on a mission. It's fine. We had to go to our home planet to defend it. We had to do, we're back. We did a quick sort of workplace retreat to like determine what we're doing vis-a-vis hunting and wax because we hate the stuff. We hate this stuff. Hey, why are we making all this stuff? I don't know. I thought you said,

no, I thought you said we were supposed to make, wait, hold on. Does anyone know why we're making this stuff? Steve, do you know why we're making honey? I hate all this sticky stuff. Recently, a new employee joined my workplace when another coworker described something as tasting like pineapple. The new employee claimed he didn't know what that meant as he had never tasted pineapple before. How does this happen to adults? His explanation was that he had no pineapple available where he grew up, but he is from central Illinois. Eat a fruit salad, motherfucker. The Midwest is not exactly the forefront of tropical cuisine, but pineapple is literally everywhere in American cuisine. Further, he admitted he has never tried a peach or a pear.

Amazingly, he has tried and likes papayas. So it's not just fruits that begin with the litter pee. It also is not that he doesn't like how they taste, as he's never honestly, truly never tried them. Is there a tactful way to convince him to give these foods a chance? Other advice for helping him develop a basic flavor literacy in classic American fruits, and that's from fruit salad fan in Winston Salem. How does this happen? How does this happen? That's so many different types of fruits you haven't eaten. Do you think that maybe it's the kind of thing where this person has actually had these fruits before and just like had no idea that that's what a pineapple is?

I mean, you're saying that he ate a pineapple, but didn't know it was a pineapple? Well, I'm saying like that he's had a fruit salad that he's like had some like Hawaiian style pizza and just never registered. Because here's the thing, I after let's say that this person is 30 years old in 30 years of living in America, the odds that a pineapple has not accidentally made its way into this person's gob. Has it infiltrated? Yeah. Like this person has had it. Yeah. My I'm more offended by this person treating an object as exotic, which you can get on a pizza at Papa John's. Yes. Like how how dare you. It's not fucking 1658. And you've just learned about this like mythical fruit from the new world. Yeah. And that's exactly the line of thing. Like, oh,

we don't have pineapples in Illinois. You mean the state where Chicago is? They wicked do have them there. They do have the state where grocery stores are like pineapples are pretty much available year round in any grocery store. You're right. My point was fallacious that they would only have pineapples in Chicago and not in the rest of it. You probably could get some in like Aurora, I would imagine. And a peach and a pear. My dude, there's so many fruits. That's so many good fruits. That's less and less exotic as you go down. Even a peach, you could say, well, it's not the right temperature. A pear is just a mellow, just smooth apple. That's all a pear is. It's a mellow, flunky, smooth apple. It's a chill sort of apple with a fucked up shape. What it is

basically for a pear is it's basically a jazz apple. Yeah. If you think about it, a pear is just an apple that's smoothed out and it's not going to have a bunch of bite, a little softer chew. I could go for a pear right now. A peach is just a sassy fucking plum, isn't it? Yeah. That's what I've always said. Let me bite into this plum. It's the color's so bright and vibrant and it's a little bit tart. Yeah, that's right. Watch out. I got a pit. Don't chip a tooth. I don't understand how you see an object. We call a pineapple. You see someone slice it in half with a machete and then you are not immediately thinking, I have got to save her. What's inside of that? That was so much work. I've got to eat that most appetizing intermeet.

If I were you, I would just set down a plate in front of this person with one slice of pineapple, one slice of peach, one slice of pear and just stare at them and say, eat it. Eat it. I don't walk away until they do because you will never rest knowing that there's a human being walking the face of this earth who has like on purpose not ever had these fruits. This is all you will think about from now until time immemorial if you don't resolve it. Maybe they were handed a whole pineapple and they thought, well, what am I supposed to do with this? There's no way. It's impossible. Look at the spines, the leaves. I can't, how do people eat these things? I'm throwing this in the trash. How is that possible? Now I'm thinking, boys, and I'm real worried that I have

a similar gap in my food education. I'm worried. I'm thinking, I don't think I do. This thing mentioned papayas. We had a sick Rosh Shana party last night and somebody brought papayas and I didn't eat one and now I'm thinking about it. Like, did I not eat one because I'm somehow afraid of papayas because I don't think I've ever had one of those. I don't think that's as crazy. I don't think as pineapple peach pear, but it's definitely not. Okay, here's, I'll tell you, this is my general rule. If it is a fruit that the average person standing in a supermarket would look at and be unable to identify just from seeing it out and about in the world on TV and movies and such, then it is okay if you haven't tried it. If you see that little yellow motherfucker that's all

spiny and bumpy and you're like, I don't know what this is, that's perfectly fine. If you look at a pear and you're like, oh, what is this? What is this? Oh, what? Huh? Like, that's not okay. If you have to Google how to eat it, then I don't think it's an issue if you have not tried it. But like, was this person watching SpongeBob SquarePants and he's like, what's this house made out of? I don't understand. What a fanciful cartoon. What a wonderful fantasy world they've whipped up for us. What a spiny grass house you've made for yourself. That is a fun fake fruit. What a wonderful imagination you have Nickelodeon. What will they think of next? I just don't, I don't, I don't understand how we get, I don't understand how we get there.

Pineapples is good as fuck. Pineapples is the best fruit. That's the other thing is that if I'm going to eat like a big luscious chunk of fruit, I always want it to be pineapple. I always want it to be a pineapple. Of course, obviously. Obviously, of course. Clearly. This week's first sponsor is Club W. Maybe you'd like to get deeper into wine, but you don't know where to start. And I cannot think of a better way of doing it than Club W. You don't need to know about wine to get the most out of this service. You're going to log on to their website. You're going to take a survey that explores your sort of taste preferences, not what kind of wine do you like, but what sort of flavors you like. And they are going to match you with a perfect wine that

you will just adore. And right now, Club W is offering our listeners $20 off your first order when you go to clubw.com slash my brother. And not only that, if you order, get something else, I get better. Justin, for you and for our listeners, yes. If you order four or more bottles of wine, Club W is going to pay for shipping. Hell yes. Hell yes. That's got to be a misprint. No, let me read it. Let me check it again. Yep. Nope. Club W will pay for shipping on orders of four bottles. It says it right there. That's right there in front of me. Four bottles of wine is heavy. That's like, that's a lot to ship. Thank you, Club W. That's very generous. At least 100 pounds. Thank you. We don't deserve you, Club W. So take something off

here to do. Let's go to clubw.com slash my brother and get $20 off your first order right now. That's clubw.com slash my brother. I want to tell y'all about, oh, oh, nope, you can't. I'm going to. Okay, fine. I want to tell y'all and all y'all about meundies. Meundies is underwear and you wear it and it feels amazing. Underwear, Griffin. Underwear is it? Where is it under? Please, no. Is it under there? Oh, man. Please. Please. So here's the deal. You wear underwear every day. At least most of us do. Time to try something better. Meundies has created the world's most comfortable underwear. It's a blend of fabric that is three times softer than cotton. I cannot stress enough how important it is that you swaddle your junk in stuff that feels very good.

And it's one of those investments that you don't think about being important, but then you do it and you're like, this is the most important thing I've ever done. Because it's like you're, you know how like there's some doctors or chiropractors that say like your spine is the center of everything. And if you have any health problems that just comes back to your back being dumb, I think the underwear stuff is the same thing. Like, oh man, had a really hard day at work. Well, you wouldn't have if you had this awesome modal fabric just like just hugging your stuff. So anyway, get your stuff hugged. For a limited time, Meundies is offering 20% off your first order at meundies.com slash my brother. If you don't love your first pair, it's free,

but that's even a ridiculous thing to say. Just go to meundies.com slash my brother, get 20% off your first order. Okay, sure. I was talking to the audience not so much to you guys, but I appreciate that you were dialed in there. I've got a message for Stephen. It's from Erica parentheses boo boo kitty. And it says the F word. Say boo boo, boo boo kitty fuck. Hi boo. Happy birthday. Time to gross out the internet. You're my boo delicious boo bear and blueberry pie. You are my husband and best friend. And I'm thankful for that every day. P.S. I love Griffin, Justin and Travis equally. I also love Travis even more equally. And that message is for April 22nd. Oh my God. That was six months ago. We couldn't be worse on this one.

We're really weighing this one. So anyway, we are actually just chronologically as far away from that day as we could on either side. Yes, it's rough stuff. That was, I think your instincts were right, Erica. Pretty a pretty gross message. I'm very happy for the love that you have with Stephen for me for Travis and and it also me and Justin and Travis, but also Travis more, more equally. And happy birthday, Stephen. Soon. Soon. Happy birthday. It's coming up. I have a message here and it's from Elise and it's to Alex who says, I'm not sure when this message will air, but instead of getting all uptight, I think we should lean into it and change your birthday to the day the brothers read this. May 28th was getting old and it was time

for a birthday makeover. Also, I thought you might like hearing, I love you little lek on your favorite podcast from your favorite brother, which I think is Justin. Anyway, happy 20. I love you little lek. Anyway, happy 29th birthday lek love Elise and cats. So this one, I mean the birthday May 28th, obviously we were weighing that a bit. The date that this message was aimed at was March 8th. Holy shit. That's five months from now. We did great. We did great. What happened to the, I feel like we've gotten a little bit better. This week, we've really just really wanged it and dongged it. We really just wanged it all over the place. This is like the Jumbotron is our weekly time to feel bad about ourselves. And like, you don't get that feeling like you let

people down enough. We have it scheduled into our show to make ourselves feel that way. So thank you for keeping us humble. The great questions of your life, the great questions of your life, should you put ketchup on a hot dog, put ketchup on a hot dog, toilet paper over or under, toilet paper, Star Wars or Star Trek. If you're not my friends, Mark and Hal always reach the definitive answer. Simply listen to We Got This with Mark and Hal every Tuesday at 9 p.m. Pacific on Maximum Fun. We got this. Your better self is right around the corner. Namaste. I got a yahoo here and it's from Brooks Oglesby. Thank you, Brooks. It's by yahoo answers user. Sorry, something's gone wrong. I'm going to call them. Leguizamo asks, what's a good Shaq themed cocktail to mix for my New Year's Eve

party tonight? It's a good Shaq themed cocktail to mix for my New Year's Eve party tonight. What is a good Shaq themed cocktail though? It's just like a good... Here's my... I have a suggestion. Oh, I've got one. Okay, I'll do mine first. Okay, just don't steal mine. You just put whatever liquid in a very, very, very, very big wide glass and then I think the glass, you have to, before anybody can drink it, you knock the whole glass over and it falls down and it spills because it's clumsy and goofy and everybody has a really good laugh, but you never actually drink the fluid inside. You just spill it because it has a funny tumble. Strawberry Shaqery. Maybe a Sazer Shaq.

Griffin, maybe instead of the super big glass, you go super tiny glass, so then you feel like how Shaq must feel when you have to interact with our everyday human objects. Every time, I mean, that's essentially what a shot is, right? When you take a shot out of a shot glass, that's how Shaq drinks every liquid. But before you drink it, you have to look at it and just wonder why the world isn't made for you. Do you think Shaq and Andre ever met up? Do you think Shaq and Andre, the giant, ever like met up and were like, what's... Oh, it's nice to meet you. This is really nice to meet you. I am also very big. Yeah, I bet that they piled around a little bit. I don't know what the age difference is there.

They would try to walk into a room at the same time and break the door frame. Oh, that's really good Shaq. It's always so fun. And they'd laugh and laugh and laugh. All right, you guys repurposed other beverages and just sort of squeezed the name Shaq into it. I want an original beverage that we can mix up and then send to Shaq on Twitter and maybe he'll retweet it because he's got like 11 billion followers and people love his stuff. Okay, okay, Griffin. I love Shaq. People are still crazy about this guy. As well as they should be. He seems like a wonderful, giant human being. Yes. Griffin, if I were to make a drink called... And I want you to spin this off the dome. I don't

want you to overthink it. Hell yeah, dude. I'm kind of a mixologist, so just let him have it. If I were going to make a drink called the Kazam, what would I put in it? First off, you start off with some nice champagne, a brute, something clear, bubbly and fun. And you fill a big, big, big, big, big mug with it. Okay, are you with me so far? And then what you're going to do is you're going to throw a bunch of hamburgers into the cup. And it's going to displace most of the fluid, but you've got to throw them from way up high. Recreating the famous scene in Kazam where the boy who gets the genie powers wishes for a fast food rain shower. Hey boy, your wishes suck. Your wishes suck, Kazam boy. How did you do it that bad? I want a

credit card with infinite money on it so I can go buy fast food whenever I want. Nope, didn't have that thought, did you? No, the thought that you had was I want to litter the whole city with french fries and burgers. Because who doesn't want to eat that off the ground? It's like, and also some public works is going to have a really, really bad month trying to get all that stuff up. And I also want to say that it's just a great example of how little we're doing to educate our children on proper wishmaking. Because this little motherfucker wishes for fast food to the sky. Don't use idioms in your wishes, folks, because they will be taken literary. And you'll, like if you said, I want a million bucks, you're going to end up with a million dears. You know

what I mean? What do you think we're going to Kazam cocktail? Drink it out of a lamp. Justin, are you okay? You sound like you're dying. I got choked up, but listen, you drink it out of a lamp. Oh, wait, I've got it. You put just fill a lamp with gold slogger because it's got the swirly like gold sparkles in there. Oh, oh my God. I know what you would do. I think this is a, you know how they make story cocktails? And these are cocktails that sort of evolve over time. And they evolve over time to like recreate the story of a film. Do you guys know what I'm talking about? So this one would start off and it would be, you know, I think Travis's instincts are right. You put some gold slogger in a lamp and you just drink that straight

out of it. But then a bartender comes by to change the drink, add more to the drink to further recreate the events of the movie Kazam. And you know what he does? He fills that lamp up with gin. Oh, and then he pours it onto a boombox ruining the boombox. Well, that's not really, I mean, what do you mean? If that does happen in the movie, he chancers from a lamp to a boombox. Griffin, I'm not making this a whole. No, no, no, no. I know that. I'm saying it wouldn't ruin the boombox. We'd somehow need a boombox that when alcohol is poured on it, really, really good music comes out. What if you had to throw ice into the drink from the free throw line and then you always missed. Justin's got a good point here. We're focusing

a lot on Kazam based stuff. And I don't even think that's what Mr. O'Neill is like mostly known for. I do want to know, Justin, that was a sports pool there. You're not known for those. Did you just Google like funny things to know about Jack? No, I don't know a lot of that's one that just has sort of stuck in the crawl. I think because when I love something, I need to know its weakness. Should I ever need to destroy it? And I love Shaq so much that I need to know. Should I ever encounter him? Where he is vulnerable so I can bring him. Hi, welcome to the My Brother, My Brother and Me Boss Strategy Guide here. We're talking about fighting Shaq. The one thing to know if you ever find like,

you're going to need to get past the free throw line because he won't be able to get you there. Yeah. So if I ever needed to bring down Shaq, that's how I do it. I just bring up that little thing and I bet no one's ever done it before. Well, hold on, Justin. Aaron Carter did beat Shaq. Yeah, that's a good point. And that's another good weakness to bring up. Hey, Shaq, great commentating today. Remember when Aaron Carter beat you at basketball game too? I know a whole song about how he did it. That's weird. Hey, Shaq, can you break down for me sort of what happened on the court out there? I mean, obviously I've heard Aaron's version, but I feel like it probably, it probably inflates Mr. Carter's talent on the court in song. I would

love to hear likes from your, your giant perspective, what happened out there and how you lost so bad to a small boy. Oh, well, thank you for asking. It's 100% accurate. That's exactly how it happens. I've never been even more embarrassed in my life. I would just like to say to Aaron Carter, how could you, how could you do this? We promised that we would keep the incident between us and then yeah, you wrote a hit song about it and I'll never forgive you. Does a hit docusong. Does Shaqiel O'Neal have a song called How I Lost to Aaron Carter? The companion. How I embarrassed myself while playing against Aaron Carter. And it's like, and it's like, all right, listen, I had the flu. I wasn't feeling good. How about you?

Well, she was untied. I was really bummed. I'm 100 feet tall. I hit my head on the moon and I fell over. I feel like, I feel like it's more of like an eight minute long dirge that he co-wrote with Leonard Cohen. It's like, it's like, if Tower of Song was about basketball, like that is the song that I think that is like, I knew it was time to get out of the basketball game. Little Aaron Carter really put me to b-ball shame. Like over and over again for eight minutes. Yeah. It had to be, I think it was probably a much closer game than Mr. Carter. You don't get a final tally, do you? You don't. No. I mean, Mr. Carter wants you to think that he obliterated Shaqiel O'Neal.

I just can't believe it's true. I just can't believe it's true. I think there are probably, I think there was probably a series of circumstances that led to Shaqiel O'Neal being at a handicap. Maybe the, and the rim had to be very low. I imagine it's probably not a regulation size basketball setup. And I think, I'll go ahead and say it, the ball was a bit deflated, wasn't it? So like Shaqiel's usual dribbling techniques would leave him fumbling. And how do we even know it was the Shaqiel O'Neal? This might have been a completely different Shaqiel O'Neal. It could have been a different Shaqiel O'Neal. It's like found at the supermarket. I'm saying like, what proof does Aaron Carter have that it was

the Shaqiel O'Neal? Damn it. Yeah. And also he had flubber. And a lot of people don't know that. Shaqiel O'Neal released five albums. Shaqiel O'Neal has five musical albums. Shaqiel O'Neal has four musical albums. The fifth one went unreleased. No. Shaqiel O'Neal wrote an album called Shaqiel O'Neal presents his super friends volume one. It was completed in 2001, intended to be the NBA superstars fifth solo album. Producers include Rick Rock and Dr. Dre. It was slated to come out September 11th, 2001, but then it got pushed back to October 9th of the same year. After much delay, the album was abandoned completely and never released. We have to break into the Disney vault and get it out. I need it. One thing that's messed up about the words

in how it be, that's how it be Shaq by Aaron Carter. I want to just fast forward to the moment when the game really climaxed. Announcers were shocked. Couldn't believe it was real. I can't believe a kid just stuffed O'Neal. One more second was all that remained. I put the ball up. I put him in shame. I must admit that sounds real crazy, but the ball went in. Then he cried like a baby. I don't think that's necessary. Now you're just dragging Mr. O'Neal and it's unnecessary. It's okay if a grown man cries when he's beat by a 10 year old at basketball. Aaron cried like a baby. That's so diminutive and judgmental. There's just no, there's, first of all, Aaron, there's no fucking world in which you pull this off again.

The series of crazy events that happened, there was like a solar flare and a deflated ball and Shaq had mono. There's no way you could do this again. Not in a million, million years. Not in a million years. I hope you enjoyed that one time you beat Shaq. Hey real quick, Shaquille O'Neal presents his super friends volume one. Just like to talk about some of the collaborators on this tracklist, Dr. Dre, Nate Dogg, Boys to Men, Twista, George Clinton, Snoop Dogg, The Roots, Ludacris, Blackstar. Holy shit. This album could be the best album ever, never made. How do I get, I have to find Shaquille O'Neal presents his super friends volume one. Do you think every day Shaquille O'Neal opens the vault behind the picture and like behind the

painting in his house and he looks at the album and he's like, no, not yet. It's not ready yet. No one's ready for that. Mr. O'Neal, drop that shit on us. We are so ready. What if you're not though, Griffin? What if you fucking think you're ready, but then you hear it and your face melts like the guy in, you know, the Ark Raiders of the Lost Ark. I'm just saying. There's a world in which how I beat Shaq is a really dark remake of The Toy starring Richard Pryor. What if Aaron Carter's father paid Shaq an exorbitant amount of money to force him to lose at basketball to Aaron Carter? What? What if that is how it shook out, right? So the optics on it are not great for any of the parties involved, all consent,

but what if that's how this played out? Like it was basically like a huge birthday present for Aaron Carter and it was kind of a conspiracy theory. Like there's been a lot of cover up, but maybe that's how it shook out. Holy shit. That's, I mean, that is what happened. I don't think that's an alternate world. I think that is the subtext to that song. Has to be. Has to be. Also, just one more thing I want to say before we move on for this topic. Oh, no, I also have more things to say about this topic. We are not even close to moving on. Where's my rematch? Okay. There, I want this rematch. Aaron Carter should be in the prime of his life. He's got to be, what, 45 now? Something? I don't know. Seems like this would be the time for him to compete against

Shaq. Oh God, he's only 28 years old. What in the living fuck? Okay. So Aaron Carter, 28 years old, should be in his prime. Let's see. He's going to be in DC at the Howard Theater October 20th. Let's get it on. Shaq, get by there. Let's get this rematch going. Yes. I'll Google a nearby basketball zone and we will get this fucking thing going. Also, just want to bring up the track on Shaq presents the Super Friends volume one with Dr. Dre is called, I will have my revenge on the blonde child. And that's the opener. That's the first song is I will have my revenge on the blonde child. So it looks like he's got one here with will I am and it's called I will drink the blonde child's blood like basketball milk. That seems like a wild track. Little know the reason that it was

never released. Aaron Carter actually paid to buy the album so that it would never be heard by human ears. And that, my friends, is how he, in fact, did beat Shaq. He's been keeping it quiet. There's a song here with George Clinton and Snoop Dogg that's called on the day of the fateful game, I had a big and powerful sickness. I'm actually look at this track list and every song on this album is sort of an explanation for why he lost the basketball game to Aaron Carter. By the way, I was just kidding. The song that he does with George Clinton and Snoop Dogg is atomic dog. Mr. O'Neill, one question. I don't think you can just do that. I like that atomic dog song. I would like it on my album. Well, we already did it. I know, but I'm putting an album together and I

would really, really like that song on it. Yeah, on my album this time. But me, but I'll do it. But I'll do it. I'll be Snoop Dogg this time. Thank you so much for listening to our Shaq and Aaron Carter beef cast, my brother and my brother and me. We hope you've enjoyed yourself unless you're Shaq, in which case I can imagine this was a troubling episode or Aaron Carter. I feel like both of them didn't get out of it. Okay. Yeah. So it's kind of a short one when Travis has to leave to start a new life in the Queens City, Cincinnati. Safe travels, Travis, and good luck on your journey. Thank you, brother. Bomb chance. I hope you've brought much smoked meat to sustain you on your voyage. I have, I must go out and interview guides to lead me from

this Western Virginia County. Oh, you just take the double A up. It's not that hard. Oh, really? Yeah, it's gonna be good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I was gonna take 52 and then just connect with that one. The double A takes like 15 minutes longer, but it's way prettier, like way more scenic. Oh, yeah. Yeah. There's like nothing on it. There's nothing. Yeah. Gas up before because like there's like nothing on the anyway, anyway, anyway, thank you to a sincere thank you to you all. First off, everybody who came out to candle nights, thank you a huge thank you to you and helping us to not helping us like just for us raising a bunch of money for recovery point and addiction recovery center here in Huntington to thank you so much for doing that and allowing us

to service your as your conduits and making the trip to Huntington and everything. Everybody seemed to have a good time. So thank you. So yeah, we are done with the TV show. I think this episode's also going up on Tuesday because we're recording it very, very late. But I promise we're going to get back on a regular schedule and things are looking up. I feel like we open up this podcast by complaining about doing the TV show. Really, we're just complaining about doing work. I think the TV show, I mean, I don't think I know the TV show is going to be great. I really think you all are going to love it. And I'm really excited for you to see it. And I don't know how many of them listened to this podcast, but I want to thank everybody who helped out with it, not helped out,

the people who actually made the TV show. Yeah, who let us be in the show, who let us be in your television show you made. We really, really appreciate it. I want to thank John Roderick in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song, It's a Departure, off the album, Putting the Days to Bend. It's a really great album. You should go get it if you don't have it already. I want to thank Maximumfun for having us on their network. Just go to Maximumfun.org and listen to all the very, very good podcasts there. If you like the stuff that we do, you can find all our podcasts and video series and PO boxes and contact information and all that shit at McRoyshows.com. I also want to say thank you to everybody who follows us on Twitter and for the Facebook

group. Facebook group's blowing up. It's popping off. It's been in a constant state of off-popping for the last year or so. Yes. And it's just a lot of fun. Thank you for everybody for joining us there. Yeah. All right. Finally, YAHDOO time. This was sent by Level9000. YAHDOO, Drew, Drew, Drew Davenport. Thank you, Drew. It's by YAHDOO Answers user. Nathalia, who asks, Where are the real Cuban sorcerers? Where are the real Cuban sorcerers? I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. Where are the real Cuban sorcerers? This has been my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad, square on the lips.

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