My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 324: A Heroic and Well-Reviewed Lizard

Episode Date: October 10, 2016

Now that we're technically television experts, we're going to spend a lot more time talking about how that delicious TV sausage gets made. Did you know most characters you see on television shows are just famous people who are reading their words off of a script? Sorry to pull the rug out from under you like that. Suggested talking points: SNL Review, Long Goodbyes, Running in Circles, Pants Emergency, Reverse Lizard Heist, Lbrunchunch, Real TV

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother and my brother meeting advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm that sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Just want to do a quick review. First off, congratulations to our friend, the person we, I feel like we inspire every day.

Lemon Marl Miranda, he was on Saturday Night Live, and I was just thinking we could talk about some of the best goose sketches. I mean, here's the thing, he's a friend and an inspiring by us. And so there's, I feel like, but if we're going to review it. I feel like a co-inspirator, I would say. If we're reviewing the product, I've got to be impartial. I've got to be ethical about it. It should be easy to be impartial, because we are recording this Saturday afternoon long before the episode has aired. So I feel like that will make it really easy to remain impartial as far as judging the episode goes. I feel like we don't go into his house and write musicals. You know what I mean? But he's coming into Goof Tavern. He's drinking our Goof Ale.

He's maybe eating up all the Goof pretzels on the counter, leaving none for anyone else. What were some of your guys' favorite sketches that Lynn did? Because I got to tell you, when he brought back that classic Chris Catan character, Mango, and it was like, I cannot believe he dropped Mango on us. He did that. He did Wayne's World. I thought Mango was actually as a tribute to me. I was really touched. In fact, I wept a little bit. What I didn't like very much is how they had Chris Catan in old age makeup, and he came back as like an elderly Mango, and Lynn was like, new Mango. I really didn't understand why that was necessary. Justin, I don't want to dissolution you. We haven't seen Chris Catan in a while. I'm

not certain that was makeup. I didn't like the part where old Mango and Lynn as young Mango fought each other. Because what got weird is that it seemed like it was not scripted to be like that. It was just like our friend Lynn Manuel Miranda was having a very real, very live fight with Chris Catan on the stage with real punches and blows. It was like, is this supposed to be happening right now? Are we supposed to be watching this? Because there was a point where Chris Catan was just screaming, how could you do this to me, Lynn? This was mine. This was my baby. You took this from me, Lynn. I do Mango, he said over and over again. Just kind of screaming, I do Mango. I am Mango. Let me pivot just real quick. I got to bring it up. Coneheads did not

see that coming. The fact that they combine the coneheads with the Spartan cheerleaders, which honestly was a strange one. I thought it was brilliant. I get it. I think it's about like the current political climate was kind of what they were satirizing there, and I thought it was great. I didn't understand why he came out as cube boy during the conehead set. Again, it was one of those things where all of the actors on stage just stopped and they're like, Lynn, what are you doing? Why are you trying to create this new character cube boy? This is not how we did it in dress rehearsals. Lynn's thing was definitely funnier, but it was just again, just kind of a weird energy. One thing that was weird to me was also that he brought Fire Marshall Bill back. That's a mad TV

character that he did. I don't even know why he would be Fire Marshall. He called it Bob and like, I don't know if you forgot what he was originally called or what, but he did the whole like, let me try and get something like that whole thing. Like he did that character. You know what, Justin, now that you mentioned it, I also thought it was weird when he came on as bag and sag and berry from all that character from all that. That was really weird. Why did he make Kenan stand outside a window on the set and watch the whole scene? That was so strange. I thought it was weird when they just sort of stopped and then Lynn did a scene, word for word, from Martin where he played every role in the TV show, Martin. I remember that.

And it was like, is this even starting out live anymore? Like, it was like a multimedia experience and doing it wrong. I loved it. A plus, like, yes, absolutely is amazing, but it was like, it doesn't seem like he told anybody he was going to do it. Remember how they got the motorized armchair from the dad from roundhouse and drove it around on stage for 20 minutes in silence? And he just kept saying, look at me. Don't look away. Just watch it. I do think he brought it home when he brought out the record player and he lip synced to Mighty Mouse, but he just did the part here I come to save the day. And that was so unique and new and like, no one's ever done anything like that before. It was a really good episode though. It was so good. You know who was great?

You know who I really liked was 25 pilots. No, they lost four. They lost four. They're down to 21. Damn. I know it's a real shame. But you know, in this economy, you just can't afford all those pilots. Back in my day, you could smoke on a plane while 21 pilots had to watch you. And what are they doing? There are 21 joysticks on the plane. What are you doing? You could get 25 pilots for a nickel. Yeah. And movies were better. This is an advice show, really. If you think about it, if you think about it, this is an advice show. We don't need to advise Lynn. He already just like crushed it on on snow. So I'm ready to just do our thing now. Yeah, let's get wild. Let's do it. Let's let's let's really get back in our wheelhouse.

We're back. I love my big brother to death. Oh no. Whoa. That was a weird accident. I shouldn't have done that. Yeah. I love my big brother to death. We're very good friends and often go to social gatherings together. He's probably the nicest guy I know, which is generally a good thing, but has some unfortunate side effects. He sometimes takes up to 30 to 40 minutes to leave a place because he has to say individual and personalized goodbyes to everyone, which leaves me waiting by the door awkwardly more times than I'd like to admit. Although I know it comes from a very good place. I'm pretty irritated by this. Am I good? Should I say something? If I do, how do I do it without hurting his feelings? That's from tardy and tired in Tel Aviv. Oh, that's a really good one.

This is you shouldn't. You can't change your brother. You can change your travel arrangements to things. And that's I think that's what you got to do because I love this person. It makes you feel so special. Oh, sure. The friend that like when I take off my move is I thank whoever hosted the party and anybody I see on my way to the door and then I turn and I say, bye everybody. See you later. I walk out and do like a quick little shout, shout cast, and then I scoot my way on out because I also don't want to take 40 minutes to leave. See my move, I just bounce like a gummy bear. I just sit there and I think like, I'm done and I walk out the door. Well, that's often times that's just how impulsive I am.

You know, that's the energy I bring to a party. You know, like I'm sitting there having a great time in mid sentence. It just clicks on my head. Like my time here is done and I just walk out the front door. Yeah, it's very random. Like sometimes I'll be talking to you and you'll just start screaming and trying to kick me. And it's like what? And it's like, I love that random energy that Travis brings. And then I'm, then I'm running out the door and I'm going to the next adventure. I really liked it. My wedding when you just weren't there anymore. And it was like, well, how random? How funny? What would you guys think if he, if you just showed up 30 to 40 minutes later than your brother? So what I'm suggesting here is if you show up later, then you'll be ready

to go at the exact moment that he is. I mean, maybe he's, maybe he's like, I love my brother, but he always shows up 30 to 40 minutes too early to every social gathering. Like I'm saying, if you came later, maybe it would balance out. You'd be on the same schedule or you could just like look at your brother and say, Hey, in 30 or 40 minutes, I'm going to be ready to leave. So start doing the goodbyes. Now I, I will also say that I appreciate your concern, but I doubt very much that if you said, I doubt your brother is unaware of the fact that you were often waiting by the door as he says his goodbyes. Like I think that's probably something, if this has happened more than twice, he's probably picked up on the fact, but he just sees it as like, I love my brother,

but why is he so rude and doesn't say goodbye to anybody? That's, that's the real stitch, isn't it? Is that your brother's doing these beautiful goodbyes, never leaves a party without putting some tears in those eyeballs. Yeah. And you aren't doing that unless you are just sort of catching his, unless you're drafting as they say in racing terminology. You're probably not doing that. So you just sit there and wait for your brother to say all the goodbyes and then you probably do what I do, which is the shout blast. And then you seem probably like a dick. And so like, I know Derek so well, his brother, Jason, I don't know him from Adam, his other brother. Who's also very friendly. Who's also extremely friendly. It's just,

fuck Jason. Really? So I'm saying like, let your brother know because maybe you can meet in the middle somewhere and arrange it more of like, Hey, I'm going to be ready to go in like an hour. Let's start making our way to the door, that kind of thing, rather than you just like standing by the door and you know, because here's the thing, especially if this is a recurring thing, no matter how hard you try to hide it, you're probably reading as impatient. And also let me clarify something. I've been a brother for almost 33 years now. He is trolling you like 100% for sure. He sees you standing by the door. He is going to make those goodbyes last as long as humanly possible. 100% guaranteed.

Bye Dave. Wait, you know what Dave, before I go, remind me, how did we meet? What's the etymology of the name Dave? Hey Dave, let's talk about some of our other famous Dave's. What are some of your favorite Dave's, Dave? Dave, Dave, will you for me recap in synopsis the entire plot of the television show entourage? Everyone, everyone gather around. Dave is going to regale us with the plot of entourage. Sit down, Jason. Listen to Dave. Dave, what's your favorite epic poem? Would you remember the other day when you were recounting Gilgamesh for me, Dave? Do it once more. Dave, sit with me and read all of the menu items and calorie counts for every item at Taco Bell.

This is the problem. This is why we shouldn't have parties anymore. Parties made sense in agrarian societies because at some point everybody would be like, fuck, I got to wake up early to farm. I can't be here anymore. Everybody agree on the time, the first time there was an invitation printed with a question mark on it, we should have retired parties because we need agrarian responsibilities to be able to get us out of parties. Unless you have agrarian responsibilities, you are not going to be able to leave any party. This is actually why I super love being in my 30s now because I like, Tracy and I get so excited when a party starts at like 2 p.m. When it's like, aw shit, yeah, it's in between lunch and dinner and it will be done by six. This is awesome.

God, I don't know ever when I turn 30. I love it when it just gets lit. I'm going to get sun up, sun down. I'll raise a fucking bar for 16 hours. I don't give a shit. My, the amount of predicted discomfort required for me to insist that I drive separately to an event is so small, so minor, so insignificant. Aw man, I really want to be home by 10. Oh, I was thinking about staying out till about 10.15. Ooh, sounds like we should drive separate then because I've got to, let's drive and it's 100 miles and it'll take us, you know, two hours to get there, but I am going to stop at one gas station on the way. Ooh, I don't know about that. I should probably drive separate.

Do you guys want a yahoo? Yeah, sure. How about this one from level9000? I have an important thank you truth about yahoo answers user. Question mark. Who asks, why can't joggers run around in a circle? Why do they have to run where they can pose and flex in front of everyone? As an extremely, what? Why can't joggers run around in a circle? Why do they have to run where they can pose and flex in front of everyone? As an extremely lazy person, I would rather not see someone else getting fit. I really don't need any more guilt. Okay, wait, hold on. Why can't they just run in a small circle in their front yard? I am an extremely lazy person. I rarely find joggers. As evidenced by your pronunciation of

every word in that sentence, I rarely find joggers coming to me. Yeah. Like I rarely am forced to look at joggers from inside my home. So is this lazy person like going to the park and then they're like, what's the deal with all these joggers? I just came here to be lazy. I tell you what, I hate those when they, when you do encounter one and then they stop and they turn towards you. Just glistening and they're just like, oh yes, it's me. Can you believe it? It's me. Oh, drink it in. Drink me up. It's me. Wonderful. How wonderful you've seen me. I remember this. Tell your grandchildren's children about the day that you met me. It's why I can't go to the gym. It's because it's too loud in there. Just everybody's just like,

how long would you be able to run in a circle in your front yard and not get arrested? Because I feel like if you did it for more than 15 minutes, the police would come and say, I don't know why, but we're pretty sure we have to arrest you. This is untenable. If I ran around in a circle for 15 seconds in my front yard, the police would have to arrest me for projectile vomiting. Yeah. Sir, we're arresting you. Thank you. Save me for myself. This is good fitness though, right? Just do it in a circle. Why not? Because it'll get too tiring. Yeah dog, exercise. Well, the real worry is that what ends up happening is just like in duck tails, if you go in a circle too many times, you're going to wear a circle into the ground.

What are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? That makes perfect sense. If you run in a circle for a long time, think about it, Griffin. Really think for once. If you run in a circle in your yard for a very long time, eventually you're going to start to dig a ditch, a circle shaped ditch. The first, the grass will die. Very embarrassing. Crop circles in my yard. No, thank you. And then after the grass is dead, you're just going to start digging down in the dirt and eventually you'll have a very ugly, irredeemable circle from jogging in your yard. Exactly. I'm sorry guys. On this Yahoo page, there's an ad that says Melissa McCarthy says her goodbyes at 45. No, it's not. She didn't. Why are you an ad on Yahoo Answers right now?

Why would she say her goodbyes? I clicked through and it's E online. Hey, E online. Why are you, why? Okay. Does it mean something different? I saw it. We were having a good time. Well, she was leaving a party and it took a long time. We're having a good time recording this podcast and my eyes darted to the right on the Yahoo Answers page and it's like, yo, Melissa McCarthy died. It's like, what? Click it. Just kidding. Thanks for reading E online. This is an advertisement. Stupid. She's fine. She's fine. No, she's good. No, she's good. I haven't told anybody this story. I've certainly never said it on the air because she, what if she listens and I don't know. This story is not about Melissa McCarthy. I know it's not,

sorry, bad transition, but one day originally I were at home, we were having dinner, we're watching Walking Dead, I think, and we get a knock at the door and it was a woman who was out for a run and she looked, she looked really bad off and she explained that she was very, very sick and she had just gotten very, very sick while she was out on the road and she asked if she could use our bathroom. And in like the kindest act, maybe we've ever done, we said, yeah, okay, go fuck it up. Just like, I know it's going to get really, really wild in there and please do that because the alternative is really, I guess, horrible and we can't let up, that happened to a fellow human being. And then we had to drive her home because she was

very, very sick after that. And that is like, that guys, that's why I don't want to go out jogging. I'll jog in a circle in my front yard because then if I get hit and my dookie box just gets really, really crazy, then I have like, I know, I know exactly where to go. What if I get lost out there and it gets wild in my dookie box because I don't know, a weird salad yesterday or something. See, this is why this is why there should be unlike people's front porches, like on columns or something, some kind of marking to let you know that that's a safe house to use the bathroom at if you're out jogging and you have an emergency. Jogger is welcome to wreck our shop. Yeah. Also, like they'll give you a plate of biscuits for painting the fence, that kind of thing. I do

want to say it was not that bad. I could, I'm glad it wasn't that bad. I will admit to, I started jogging a couple of months ago and, but I've mainly just been jogging in the neighborhood around my house and I started doing at the park just for a change of scenery. And this is very embarrassing. I had a moment when I was basically halfway around the track from my car and I had this little bit of panic where I thought, if I get tired of running, I don't have a way back to my car other than that. Like the decision to stop perambulating has been robbed from me because I will have to do that to get back to my car. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. I know exactly what you mean, Justin. When I still lived in Los Angeles, I went down to Venice Beach and I walked

the dog along the Venice Beach Boardwalk and I walked for a mile and I was very proud of myself and then I realized that my car was still back at the other end of that mile and I was so defeated in that moment that I thought about calling a lift to take me back to my car. I didn't, you don't psychically prepare for that. Like, you gotta be ready. I'm in desperate need of some advice. I was helping lift a table at the office and I ripped a hole in my suit pants from zipper to top of belt. Wait, what? From zipper to top of belt? Oh, probably from the bottom of zipper. Bottom of zipper to top of belt on the back. Oh my god. That's quite a rip. I've been sitting here for some time at my desk. What are my next steps, brothers? And that's from asless slacks.

This probably came in a few days ago, right? So like, it has been some time. I hope they got someone bringing them water and stuff. Well, I mean, it's a real 127 hour situation. In the short term, you're going to have to be the last one in the office. Yes. Like, people are going to have to look at you and be like, hey, oh, you're like, God, just try to figure out, finish up the big Robertson report. Just, hey, working hard or hardly working. Bill, Bill, please. Please just go, Bill. I'm having kind of a late one too. Got a big project. Thought I might stay here all weekend. Bill, please God, please. I'm begging you just this once, Bill.

You know what? Let's make this an all nighter. Just you and I, huh? We'll work on projects together. Maybe order some pizzas, crack open some beers after everyone's gone. Hey, you know how you've been talking about how you want to start playing D&D? Well, let's do it. I've got some D20s. Let's go. First off, stand up for me. Bill, what? Stand up for me right now in front of everyone? Bill, no, I don't want to stand up. Take a bow. No, Bill, please don't make me do this. I'm calling in my favor. Do me a favor and just to stand up and spread your butt cheeks out. Bill, no, it shouldn't be a problem if your pants are good. Bill, how?

Bill, why? Bill, why? Part the cheeks. Bill. Hey, do you remember that one time that you ate my sandwich? I don't know what you're talking about, Bill. I think you know exactly what I'm talking about. Stand up. Let's see that cheek. Stand up. Hey guys, check this out. Okay. Bomb, threat. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's an FBI crime, the big one. Okay, that's not going to work. First of all, staples I think can do this. Oh, but you're going to have to be so careful you have to take the pants off first. So, wait, you take your pants to staples and then what? Just say like, hey, listen, I need a new pants. Listen, staples is the number one office solution. I think if you go in the door and

your ass is in an office and you need a solution. Right. Your asshole's showing in the office. You're like, yo, dog, this is now, this is now, it's in your court. Fix this. We've got another one. Debbie, get the emergency kit. I'm just saying that staples probably takes care of this all the time. Yes. Call Papa John's. Call Papa John's and say, I need a hot and fresh pizza delivery and media mentee. And then as soon as the pizza gets there, they stretch it out on the table, the one pizza table, and they put out all the pizza and everybody's like, oh, grub time. When everybody gets up to grub, you make your exit. Hello. Perfect plan. Except for one thing, Justin. There's no flaws. There's no logic. Travis, whatever you say is going to be a

fucking lie. So, but go ahead. Bill's on a diet. Damn it. That's actually foolproof. It's very good. Bill's getting that gluten free. He brought a salad from home. He ate it at 1130 because he got hungry. Hey, what if you just fucking own it? Yeah. Welcome to the boss's office like, Hey, I want to raise. And before you say anything, check out this, this whole thing. I want to raise no butts about it. And then show them your butthole. Set your pants on fire. Listen. Yeah. If you do that, everybody will be like very moved by your plight and they're moving very worried about you. You have to very quickly get the pant fire under control and I'm seriously, you probably shouldn't even let it get out of control. It should be a

very isolated controlled burn of your pants. And in the side, that's good. Because then your pants will grow back stronger and lusher than ever. This is a fun little farce that you've put together. A fun little family matters ask romp that you've built. Maybe get your pants stuck in the shredder. That's actually not bad. What I'm saying is if you set your pants on fire and then can get them out, no one's going to question next steps. I think you're going home like you get the rest of the day off. You're going to have to figure out a way to get someone stodgier than you for their pants to rip. Just be grateful that it ripped the way it did and you didn't get, you didn't get the, the Kravitz gap. You didn't get a full blown Kravitz. You didn't get

a full, full blown, full blown Lenny Kravitz fault line situation. Do you guys want a Yahoo? Another one? Sure. Yeah. This one is sent in by Aaron Keese. The... Keese laid. Keese. Nope. You've tried that one before. Oh, I have. Here are the Keese of the Kingdom. The Keese of the City. Here's the Keese. Thank you, Aaron. It's by Yahoo Answers user Wesley who asks, how to make your parents think you found a lizard even though you bought it online? There's so many, there's a lot of answers here and I'd like to just read a couple just to like sort of set a tone because the top answer is there's no point in lying. Just tell them the truth, otherwise the consequences will be much worse. At worst, if you manage to tell them it's a lizard

you found outside and they didn't want a lizard in the house, they'll make you release it. That's not a bad point. Like I think I should just say I bought this lizard so it lives here now. They can't just be like, well, no, make it put it outside where it doesn't belong. Yeah, where are these parents that would be upset if you bought a lizard but if you just like found a trash lizard outside they'd be like, oh, Dunk, I guess it's fate. You're gonna have to say you rescued the lizard from an owner that was maybe terrible. Some kind of elaborate like lizard heist to get a lizard out of a bad situation. This is not a bad idea. I tell you though, when my boy, he's gonna be a real scamp, I know it. When he brings the lizard into this home, if he says I found this trash lizard

outside and it's a bad dirty lizard and it's gross because it lived in the dirt for a long time and now it lives in the house and it's gonna bring dirt into the house and be awful, I will say no, that's no good. If my little scamp boy says I bought this lizard on Amazon and it was four and a half stars and it was Amazon Prime so it was free shipping, I'd be like, hell yes. Sick purchase. What's the lizard's name? Beautiful lizard. Excellent. I can see why it's so highly rated. This is an excellent lizard. How long after clicking confirm purchase do you think that this person posted this on Yahoo Answers? Like, oh, shit. Oh, that's right. Okay. But okay, let's help this person. I guess plan an inverse heist.

What you're gonna have to do. Okay. You're gonna have to tell your parents you found the lizard in the house and then maybe you can angle like it would never survive outside. This is a house lizard and you know what, maybe it was here before us, maybe it found us in its house. That's a power play, but if you can make it work. What? Okay. How about this? How about you find a bear? Okay. Oh my God. Kill it and kill the bear. No. Put it in the living room. Listen. Okay. Let me out. Kill the bear. Put the bear in the living room. Put the lizard on top of the bear and put a little bear blood around its mouth. Okay. And then calling your parents really quick like, oh my God, guys, quick, hero lizard. Yes. We got a hero on our hands. Everybody quick.

Get in here and see this heroic lizard. This is, this is, I mean, it has to be something like this where you have to make the parents fall in love with the lizard and make it seem like you had nothing to do with the lizard's arrival. So like, I'm imagining, oh, I've got it. What if the lizard, you put the lizard in like their bedroom and they walk in and they're like, oh, a lizard. But then they look up and what do they see? It's a lizard web. And in it, it says like Dan's new best friend. So good. And it's like a beautiful glistening web. And maybe there's a diamond necklace hanging from the web and, and the lizard winks. Perfect. Could you try to convince them that it is a reincarnated deceased family member? Could you try to ask it things that only

Unky Phil would know? And just, just trivia about Unky Phil, put it in some of his favorite shirts, that kind of thing. So it could be like, oh, if this is Unky Phil, not Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince of Bel Air, but Unky Phil, a wholly different entity, then what I want you to do, Lizard, is stand really still for a long time and then just like dart somewhere all crazy, like it's kind of scary. Oh, he did it. He darted just like Unky Phil used to dart. He sat very still for a long time though and was very boring and a bad pet also. Also not a great pet. Where are you buying lizards online and getting them shipped to your home? How is that a service that's being offered? That's a good question actually.

I have a solution. This is good. I think this could work. What you're going to need to do is you're going to like, whatever your surreptitious ordering is, you're going to have to order all the stuff for the lizard to, you know, the terrarium, the equipment, all that stuff. Then you're just going to have to put the lizard in your room in that terrarium. Don't hide it. And then your parents will at some point walk by the room and go, when did you get a lizard? And you're going to say, what do you mean? I've had that lizard forever for like years. And then if your parents continue to confront you about it, now you turn it on them and say, do you not take any interest in my life whatsoever? Has it really taken you this long to figure I have a lizard and now they're guilty

and they'll buy you a second lizard? Well, on top of that one. Yes. So that your lizard need not to be lonely. It's going to make a Rango joke, but there's just nothing there. Maybe make your parents watch Rango have them fall in love with lizards like you have. How to make your parents think you found a DVD of Rango, even though you bought Rango online. Yeah, I just found it's floating in the creek. Oh no, it might be a haunted Rango. Don't watch that. Seven days later, Rango will actually come to your house. Hi, Rango. I love you, Rango. I've met the hardest kind of person to connect with is a person that has just bought a lizard online that hasn't yet arrived. Because you know there's nothing they're going to want to talk about other than the fact that they've got a

lizard on the way and making some plans for that lizard. There will also be no getting them out of the house lest they miss the delivery. That's a good one. That's actually a very sincere problem because I don't think lizard care is high on UPS standard practices. Yeah, I mean the plans that you're going to be talking about when waiting for your lizard delivery is I mean just one plan and it is a lizard funeral because that's that can't that won't survive that. There's no way there is in a way hand delivered by a guy from the lizard store. That's the only other way because like otherwise if this thing's going through FedEx, first of all, I don't want it to touch all of the other packages in FedEx. Sorry guys, we had to return everything to sender because it might have

gotten touched by a lizard. So throw it throw it right in the garbage when it gets back. Not only that when the lizard store ships it to you, they don't know what kind of wonderful twists and turns the package is going to take on its way and it's like okay we need to put 11 crickets in here or whatever the fuck. It's not a good idea. Don't order lizards folks. Don't order a lizard. There's plenty of farm fresh lizards just waiting to be adopted. Let's go to the mighty zone and buy our own lizards. Hell yes. You know I had two lizards growing up and for the life of me I can't remember how I got them. You did have two lizards. Where did they go? Well I mean they eventually died but I had them for like four years of lizarditis and I think that some kid just like gave me a shoe box

and was like hey do you want these lizards and I was like yeah and as a credit to mom and dad they were like I guess I guess we're just a family that has lizards now. In fairness they thought you'd kill them much much quicker. That is true. I don't think they anticipated having to deal with the idea of having lizards for quite so long. So you were in middle school right? I believe so yes. So they were probably named Zanth and maybe actually that's quite possible Griffin. Hey guys tell me about Trunk Club. Trunk Club is a service which will you're gonna get a personal stylist right let me walk you through it. Get a personal stylist. What's their name? Durmbum. Take it again. Cromslum. Take a third. French Elor. Take a fourth. What's wrong with you? Pinsky. That's the best one yet.

Dan. Pinsky Dan. So you're gonna get a call from a stylist and you're gonna- Oh this is Pinsky Dan. What kind of pants do you like? Cromslur. Do we have slacks? You're gonna get a call from a stylist and they're gonna ask you what size everything is down there. And the deal. Oh thanks. Excellent excellent. Cromslur you'll never believe what he said about the dirt. What's your measurement around the town? You're gonna get all kinds of measurements to them both real and fictional and they're gonna send you some garments that you are going to love. They're gonna ask you what are you what are you

doing out in the town? What professional, casual, fun, flirty? What's your look? They're gonna ask you your loin weight. They're gonna send you a box of clothes and you're gonna try them on and the stuff you like you keep the stuff you don't like you ship right back to them in the aforementioned titular trunk. And here's the thing if you live in Dallas, New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, DC, or Charleston you can just like stop by one of their like clubhouses and try stuff on and get pampered and feel real cool and you don't have to wait for them to ship stuff to you. If you're not in there though you uh you can get started today at trunkclub.com slash mybrother uh this isn't a subscription service you get clothes whenever you like them from your personal stylist

and then you take five days to try everything on returns are always free it could not be less stressful um this is shopping without having to leave your home so go to uh trunkclub.com slash my brother and give it a shot today that's trunkclub.com slash my brother. I would like to tell you about bowl and branch just fucking do it then it's a new way to sheet okay that's the slogan I'm going with for this um we sleep on bowl and branch sheets and we also use bowl and branch bath towels and they've got like a whole other sluice stuff they got like duvet covers and blankets and that kind of thing and it's just and no exaggeration the most like comfortable softest sheets I've ever slept on towels I've ever used um when Teresa and I moved across the

country we had the sheets shipped to us so we could use them right away and you know here's the thing they don't worry about thread count because thread count is a myth they just focus on having like a really great product and using really wonderful materials there's no huge markup because they don't like do retail space or anything like that you get it at the right cost uh for the you know the right fit for you right price all that stuff you can try them risk free for 30 nights if you don't love them send it back get a refund nothing to lose um and uh for right now right now uh listeners of my brother my brother and me can get $50 off of your first set of sheets by going to bowl and branch that's b o l l a n d b r a n c h dot com and use the promo code my brother

to get $50 off your first set of sheets bowl and branch dot com promo code my brother I want to I want to tell you about metal energy that's m e c t l e energy I want you to visit metalenergy.com and use the coupon code my brother for 25 off your entire order what is metal energy well they sell energy drink mixes that cost us a little is 45 cents each and they come in flavors like sour blue raspberry green apple and tropical cooler if you drink energy drinks or shots and don't buy these then you are overpaying on the reg that's dumb don't be a dumb idiot with a stupid face I'm sorry to come into you so aggressive like this but this is the literal ad copy which is what you are if you don't treat your energy drink habit at metalenergy.com you're gonna drink these energy drinks you're

gonna jump higher you're gonna jump more you will be jumping more often than you do now I've tried these have you they sent some to me too they're yeah great they taste really wonderful where's mine I didn't get any go-go juice what the fuck well should have taken some with you when you were at the house they know that I have my own natural energy which is cocaine this message this message is for Justin Travis and Griffin it's from Isaac and Isaac asks us how's that hundo treating you I'm assuming he's talking about the money that he paid for this jumbotron and to which I will say we don't get all of that and then we split it three ways so I will buy some Arby's with it later thank you for the Arby's Isaac

I appreciate that thank you so much Isaac for your consideration and for not I mean you know folks I can't tell you this enough it's your hundo yeah do whatever you want with it you know what I mean um this is a good way to do it just like I like this this is essentially just like a bank transaction hi everybody hi Griffin Justin Travis my name is Isaac I have given you a hundred dollars this is that is all well I like this because it's also it's both generosity and just a little sussol of throwing it in our face oh yeah like here take my money how's that treat you well it treats me good thank you Isaac thank you for your money I'm Jesse Thorne and I'm curious about Jonathan Van Ness and his show getting curious what were you most excited to learn

something about I was really excited about the Roman offs I was really excited why were you so excited about the well because I've been obsessed with thanks for listening to the episode I'm just kidding because I've been obsessed with them since I was 11 from the movie Anastasia Jonathan what's a baby brain it's a brain that's finally ready to explore getting curious a show for your baby brain download it wherever you get podcasts have another question sorry some pranksters leave blowing right outside my house and it's like pretty good prank what a joker let me look it's Jamie Kennedy oh man blowing my yard so trap how do you think the episode is going so far you know so far so good Justin I want a much squad sorry Jamie I'm not gonna do it when you

enter when you set me up to be interrupted you don't get my squad okay well Griffin how you think the show's going for so far um fuck you I want a much squad I want too much squad dun dun dun dun dun dun jack the box is making its first appearance here on the munch squad that's amazing because they sell like tacos and spaghetti in the same box well things are about to get even more confusing because today we're not the munch squad we're not just the munch squad we're still the munch squad we're also the brunch squad oh god because jack the box is launching a new level of craveability with brunch fist okay now I know what you're saying no fuck off you can't just it's brunch ner it's all the meals and you get just get it shot into your face

it ain't that far off oh god but but jack in the box has always served breakfast all day not only that fucking brunch already is the words breakfast and lunch you don't need to get a fucking reprise they're at the end coming at coming at you with the epilogue okay 1969 is the year a man named jack introduces the very first breakfast sandwich and in 2013 they introduced jack's munchy meals which is something else at late times I'm sorry are you reading are you this is the worst press release I've ever heard are you making brunch fist Mary what is brunch fist I know you're confused this is a first in the industry according to the press release a first in the industry brunch fist marries the unique flavors of brunch with the convenience and any time availability

that guests can always expect from jack in the box what then why I'm fucking I am fucking furious right now jack's brunch fist menu features items that make brunch an everyday occasion what can choose from three entry entrees including the bacon egg and chicken sandwich what you got there is a toasted english muffin with crispy chicken filet and then it's got bacon and cheese and bacon mayo and a freshly cracked fried egg hey freshly cracked is a crazy way of just making a fried egg sound delicious excuse me yeah freshly cracked mmm good you're good I guess what's the alternative sorry yeah we squeezed she's down about a week ago freshly unzipped from an individual Ziploc bag uh the brunch burger is a buttery croissant

topped with a juicy beef patty and a freshly cracked fried egg yeah okay so you guys put an egg on shit I have go ahead and read the third option and then I'm gonna yell and yell and yell until I fall asleep well you got a southwest scrambler plate that's scrambled eggs with roasted peppers diced green chiles pepper jack cheese and serve with home style potatoes okay that one bacon or sausage and a buttery croissant I have excellent news for jack in the box I'm giving you a one out of three you barely you barely skated by without getting a zero because that is brunch what you've just described it has breakfast and lunch elements in it and it's it to call the other when you put an egg on a burger that it doesn't make it a breakfast time or it's not it shouldn't even be

around breakfast time it's a it's a fucking burger and it's certainly not deserving of having the word breakfast in the name of the meal twice at the very least what you've made is Lebrunch Unch which is double lunch in the word you big dumb animal that's fair because I don't know I maybe there exists but brunch is like a thing now with like a defined set of parameters it's not just putting an egg on something no like you you can't be like I I made a catfish and I put a freshly cracked egg on it it's brunch now you can't pour gravy on Captain Crunch and say look I did a brunch you didn't you didn't do a brunch what you did was a crime sin but what does it matter to us we are not industry professionals like uh Iwona Alter Jack the Box's vice president of product marketing

who says and I quote brunch enthusiasts no longer have to wait until the weekend to satisfy their brunch cravings oh thank god with brunch fist we're giving our guests 24 seven access to the distinct craveable flavors of brunch whenever they want and wherever the hunger strikes hey you motherfuckers if you eat brunch at any time other than brunch time it's breakfast or one of the other meals you can't have brunch at 7 p.m. who are these people that are living such lives of desperation where they say to themselves I would fucking kill for brunch food right now but I don't know how to obtain it I need someone to deliver that to me because I don't know how to get that experience at home I need someone to save me Justin take it one step further they're then so

desperate that they're just glad there's an option like jack in the box to fulfill their brunch craving that's they just need it so bad Justin just sent a photo and I don't want to know I'm afraid you should look at it because it's insane it looks like somebody set a meal on top of another meal it's like yeah when the first time you hear the word brunch when you are a child and your brain can't understand how like ideas can compound into a bigger single idea and you think like yeah we're gonna have brunch what does that mean you're gonna put like cereal on a burger it's like no no you dumb idiot it's a whole different thing and jack in the box has realized that child like vision of two two meals that have combined in the worst possible way it's like if you were

about to sit down and enjoy a normal human breakfast and then an all-powerful toddler came into the room and said I want to put my lunch in it yes like just I want to store my lunch in your breakfast and the thing about sandwiches look like to me is like you wanted to make a sausage egg and cheese and bacon sandwich but you ran out of sausage so you just like grabbed a frozen hamburger patty and you were like now I'm a great chef and I've invented a new food this is food that a very drunk person makes at 1 a.m if anything it's dinner fist a combination of dinner and then wrapping all around all the way around the breakfast this is this is fourth meal which is already another thing no this is fifth meal this is something this is something you have at four o'clock in the morning

and you don't remember you had a new eat breakfast again this is last meal like this is not this is not this is not the action of a person who continues their existence this is not a meal you eat on purpose for a person brunch brunch there is no such thing as brunch food right there are things that you eat at brunch but you could also just eat that stuff at lunch or breakfast the reason brunch is this is because people like to have mimosas and they like to have a good excuse for it if you are eating you shouldn't eat brunch on a weekday you shouldn't I don't think you should be eating lunch on a brunch on a weekday it doesn't make sense you should have other you should be doing something else at 11 a.m brunch is a brunch is a way of telling your body like listen you need

a little extra sleep here here big fella let me put you back down here have a let me fill you up with with with food and now I'm gonna put some mimosas in you oh look in that warm sun in that nice oh that hammock what's inviting boom you're out your day on monday these are not the actions that's not a midday break you can't recover from brunch and go back to work I spent so much time looking at this picture you sent looking at the bad food on it and I just looked at the top part of it where it has the word brunch fist written out and I'm just fucking angry again because who the who the fuck do you think you are it's the dumbest thing I've ever seen but it's craveable no it's not even a little bit craveable it's highly craveable they wouldn't lie they can't lie about it

I'm gonna there's a jack in the box around the corner it is sadly the like nearest fast food place to me sometimes when I'm desperate I'll go there and get one of their fajita wraps or whatever it's okay I want to go and I want to buy these and then I want to take the cashier with me who hands me the things and go with them into the bathroom and make him watch me put it in the toilet um I'm I'm a little I mean maybe I'm just feel differently about this because I don't have a jack in the box anywhere near me so maybe it's like exotic fruits yeah I can't I'd have to go to Cincinnati I think to get into one I have a yahoo here can I read it yeah please it was sent in by uh game recognized game Rachel Rosing thank you Rachel it's by yahoo answers user it's just

guys the name is just smoke weed cool they say can't get into tv series slash movies because I know they are just acting anytime I watch an interesting tv series I may get into it for about a couple of minutes before the thought of them just memorizing some script and standing in front of a camera pops into my head especially during those scenes where a character is not supposed to know uh the other character stole something of theirs or something like that and they act like they don't know but since they are acting they really do is anyone else like this is there any way to avoid this well now I am damn it I get poison the well everybody was talking like oh you gotta watch westworld westworld so tight you gotta watch it I was like I turned it on

and I watched it and for a few minutes I was like okay okay okay but then after a while I was just like that's just Anthony Hopkins that's just that's just Anthony Hopkins my life and he's somebody's like the robots are getting all shitty out there and and and he was like oh no I can't believe it and it's like you did know it Anthony you read the script for this I bet not only that it's one step further for me Gervin because I look and I see it it's Anthony Hopkins actually on the screen but then I think you know like 10 feet right in front of Anthony Hopkins just behind the camera there's some dude like eating a bagel at craft services yeah they're not in westworld at all no they're not they're just they're just in some building where they make tv

shows and like upstairs from that there's a guy taking a 10-2 and he had a bagel sandwich earlier and then like down the hall from that there's just like a woman like just doing the accounting for the show yeah I wish I was the director of westworld because I would love to like yell cut after Anthony Hopkins fish is acting it just would be like mmm good acting just really telling like man that you acted so good in that one I thought you were that person for like a second well yes thank you but but then I did but then I didn't of course because you're Anthony Hopkins and you're just reading but like Anthony sir Anthony that's pretty good acting I'm just gonna go ahead and lay it out there thank you for doing that so good on my tv show it it it it this is now an all

encompassing thing for me I watched the the new mission impossible and I watch it and I'm not I'm not enthrilled by like a story of spy work and intrigue I'm just thinking like this seems dangerous for Tom I don't want Tom to be doing this I want to see him in the cocktails too I don't want to be a fair point because Tom does a lot of his own Tom does most of his own stuff and it's like I don't I can't even watch Jackie Chan movie anymore because it's like I'm cool cop too and I have a magic tuxedo it's like you're not your Jackie Chan and please you're like 60 don't please don't hurt you're so pretty don't you know I watched the new Star Trek movie and I just thought the whole time they're not even in space this isn't real they don't have laser guns and I screamed

that the whole time I was asked to leave that's why you're gonna you're all really gonna like the my brother my brother me show because everything that happened on it happened yeah it all happened it's all real it's realer than like any reality TV show that's ever been because I was there for all of it and it all happened yeah guys movie magic guys I'm on yahoo different ad McCarthy's gone the real reason Mike and Molly was canceled and then a picture of Mike and Molly what the click through it's e online again same thing what the fuck are you guys what's your ad campaign about the death of Melissa McCarthy because it sucks it is a different discreet dead Melissa McCarthy ad what the fuck is wrong with you why does e online hate Melissa McCarthy why and why is

yahoo like another good ad bring them on in Melissa McCarthy's mom is on yahoo Melissa McCarthy's mom is on yahoo how do you think that feels for her she's just trying to figure out like how to get a frog out of her butt or whatever people are doing and she sees that her daughter died yeah girlfriend what kind of things have you been searching what kind of cookies do you have that like that's just like the usual usual usual stuff like the cast of Mike and Molly comma butt dead oh that was what the fuck dog I bet if you buy a lizard on amazon your cookies are irredeemable they're not going to know what to do with those cookies yeah for sure um I can't I can't watch Mike and Molly because it's like these two people are in love but I can't

because they aren't because it's Melissa McCarthy and whoever is my whoever Mike is and they're not what I like they're not what I like to do is I like to suspend my disbelief so very hard that then I start to worry that the show will come to a crashing halt when they realize someone has planted a camera in their kitchen to watch them like have hilarious banter oh shit and they'll see the camera and become horrified like someone's been watching us the whole time devra and it would go like it would get so terrifyingly real what if in the last season of Mike and Molly they realized it was a tv show and that their lives were a tv show in the whole last season fuck that's just about them like running and showing yes the whole thing out god that's fucking good please

I've never wanted to watch Mike and Molly even with one percent of my being but Melissa McCarthy has the juice to get that done yeah she has got like I'll come out for one more but strap in because it's about it's gonna get fucking Roseanne weird in here we're gonna Roseanne the shit out of this you guys um let me ask you guys a question has there do you think there's ever been a tv show or a movies that that was real do you mean like it like it was I mean I get like I get that it's all like that's Anthony Hopkins up there and he's just he's reading words that like the HBO writer gave him to say and he says I'm and he says I'm he says I'm like really really cool and he says I'm like

like sometimes he says I'm like really sad like he is having the feelings that the words the person who like in the story would be saying they're like it's Anthony Hopkins just reading the words in a specific way right I'm not fooled by Westworld but maybe one of the shows is is one of the shows is a real show yeah or a movie if there was one show Griffin that you thought what's the most likely suspect hmm I mean probably one where it's a thing that really does it like law and order like they really are cops and judges and stuff out there but like I don't know that one's gonna run Seinfeld Seinfeld I think was probably well again it's hard to say because a lot of that was I would say I was down with that but then there will be the segments of Seinfeld where he's doing

stand-up comedy and it's like but he really does do that that one gets too confusing I can't even start to unpack I here's here's what I'd like to pause it I think the NCIS New Orleans starring Scott Bakula yes it's probably real because let me let me lay it out for you you're Scott Bakula you're a true professional right you won't be on our podcast or on our tv show but you're a professional that only proves to be a true professional see above true professional and you want to learn about cop work right so you're like well I better learn what an NCIS does or what that's about I think it's something with crime or the military new new cops in the city it new cops in the city with an s uh and so you're gonna learn all that cop shit right yeah you would probably occur

to you that like if we're gonna be doing cop things already chasing perps tracking down clues yes hunting up the leads if we're gonna be doing all this cop shit already right let's do it let's just do it yeah let's just do it you're filming it already and I already am gonna learn how to do it because I'm a constant professional like let's just do the crime and bust them let's bust the perps I don't see why not I don't see why not there's too much crime in this city let's just start busting it a little bit that's just like on cops I'm sure the inverse happened where they're like this is supposed to be real there are no crimes tonight can we all pretend to do a crime please hey can you call your cousin they would just make a pa get like really drunk and take their pants off

and walk down the street and then film them arresting him I have a theory for a show that is real and I'm still formulating the logistics of it sounds like it's still percolating it's still percolating because you can tell when I take pauses in my sentences like this that's where I think my little thoughts to get it together but I think the tv show that I know now because I finished the thought is real uh is dinosaurs okay because here's the here's why here's let me oh list of reasons first of all there's as far as I know there's no actors only dinosaurs sure uh-huh found footage um the things that happened in dinosaurs we we weren't there right like people weren't there so we it could have been happening and then at the end of it at the end of the at the end of the show all

the ice age happens and that is that sorry guys but read a history book that's how it happened they deleted it but every episode on the original broadcast if you remember everyone used to begin with a very official looking scientist who said I have been studying dinosaur fossils yeah for my entire life and as near as I can tell this is how it went this is as near as I could put together from fossils it will a little something but but like here's hi I'm Neil the grass Tyson no I've put together all the information I could about dinosaurs please do enjoy if there was a character on dinosaurs who is just like a caveman played by Greg Keneer I would see that and be like well this is bullshit this is bullshit that's just Greg Keneer and he's got a beard on and he's but

he's just reading what they told him to say dinosaurs didn't have that it was all just dinosaurs without actors mm-hmm so like without that who knows is all that's all I'm saying do you want to know a trick there's a shocking but true fact okay family matters is of course not real it's the many actors performing no that's Rachelville Johnson he was in the diehard move exactly but Griffin did you know that what it is is a shot-for-shot remake of the Winslow family home videos so well it's not the real footage okay made a tv show based off of it but it is shot-for-shot line for line exactly the same of the Winslow family yeah but they just had actors portray the Winslow family I just went to IMDB to search for dinosaurs to find the names of the dinosaurs that played

them in our real dinosaurs and the lead story on IMDB is the stranger things cast in and out of costume hey IMDB that's disgusting you're children um let's wrap up what do you think yeah I'd love to do that I really wanted to take some more time exploring Travis's theory that family matters is based on the home videos of a real family living in Chicago named the Winslow's was there we'll let the message words fill all that in Griffin excuse me did you realize that the mom on dinosaurs was played by Jessica Walter of fucking arrested development and Archer fame you just fucking ruined it for me then because she's not what do you wait and what do you mean and what do you mean she played the dinosaur what I'm saying is that she's been a dinosaur this whole time I don't that's

mean I think to say about she's she's absolutely perfect and wonderful I don't think it's cool to say she's a human looking dinosaur I think that's actually kind of a busted thing to say maybe don't maybe we shouldn't espouse that what okay so where did they go that's a good question hmm I guess I turned it around on you where did no just that's a great point where did the dinosaurs from dinosaurs go where'd they go why aren't they doing why aren't they doing more stuff I saw Jurassic World and there's that one scene and you can just barely see fat dad dinosaur in the background and he's got his little briefcase I love it flannel flannel dad yeah I bet those dinosaurs every day like just cross their talons and hope for like a new Flintstones live action

movie I did see on BuzzFeed you won't believe what the baby from dinosaurs looks like today and he had like the goatee and what all yeah mm-hmm I remember that the real shame was when um spiky had sun dinosaur when he robbed that liquor store and he went to dino jail yeah where I guess he is but he's out now he's totally clean good it's worth knowing it's worth noting that that's what Travis calls museums this is what our show my brother my brother may we hope you've enjoyed yourself and this has been an hour of us making it like pretending just doing make believe television talk for literally 62 minutes hey I've got a fun thing for you tomorrow uh if you are a owner of the PlayStation 4 console uh we're in a video game we're the uh there's a game

coming out on on PSN tomorrow called 100 foot robot golf it is uh not just a VR game although you can play with PlayStation VR is also a regular ass ps4 game and it's a golf game with giant robots and we're the commentators in the game so if you want to play golf but you want to have us saying uh somewhat related things to the golf action on the screen sometimes then uh that would be the one that you should get not any others that's the one uh really really fun I got to play a little demo version of it super fun along with golf your robot just like destroys a bunch of shit and has special moves and it's it's ridiculously fun I love it very much um I want to thank uh John Roderick in the long winters for the use of our theme song is a departure off the album putting

the days to bed it's a really really great song and a really good album I um I've been putting together a Spotify playlist of like all the tunes I was bumping in college I was feeling nostalgic for it and uh just like it's just it it's basically I just added three long winters albums to a Spotify playlist and that's about it it's a really good band I hope everybody's tried listen to it already I also want to thank maximum fun for having us on their network you can go to maximum fun.org and go listen to a bunch of really great shows uh stuff like beef and dairy network and throwing shade uh and one bad mother so many good shows all at maximum fun.org if you like the stuff we do we have a ton of other podcasts in youtube series uh and you can find all of our

contact info and all that stuff at macroichows.com uh I I want to say thank you to everybody for listening you know what I mean like we appreciate all of you and you're all great uh and I want to thank uh Christine Kelly who sent in this final yahoo uh thank you Christine it's by yahoo answers user cone who asks can you please just admit that George Washington didn't exist my name is Justin McRoy on Travis McRoy I'm Griffin McRoy my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported are you easily confused by terms like cultural appropriation cisgender and woke or maybe you find yourself constantly

explaining terms like these and you need a place to vent do you have a love for all things pop culture social commentary and politics sounds like you need minority corner where you can learn laugh and play sounds like blues clues only it's more black gay and ladylike James and Anakke will happily administer your weekly dose each and every Friday you can listen on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcast minority corner with the K because the C was taken