My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 325: Cavemen Tears

Episode Date: October 18, 2016

This episode of My Brother, My Brother and Me is so dang educational, you will feel like you just completed a full two year college-level program by the time we reach the Final Yahoo. Listen with a hungry mind, but also, with a thirsty soul. Suggested talking points: Baby Blasting’, Wrong Name Grift, Dave Bond, Please Stop Bathroom Pranking, The Invention of Crying, The Worst Backyard

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother, me, and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm that sweet baby brother that you crave, Griffin McElroy. How's your guys' weekends? Do you have good weekends out there?

I have been, I am taking 12 hours of birthing classes this weekend from 10 to 4 every day for the two days. And boys, that is a gushy situation. Gushy from Quantum Leap rolls up, and he's like, because he delivers every baby, that's the weird part. Wow. He must be busy. He's like Santa Claus. I'm just, I'm learning so much about the miracle, Griffin, about the miracle. It is, I mean, it is a miracle, right? The bodies do so much wonderful stuff to get it all going. But I was, I guess, ill-prepared for the amount of stuff I didn't know, and it made me think like, I'm realizing now as I'm approaching 30 that I didn't pay very

good attention in school, and I get these realizations, little realizations every day. And this was the first one where it was like, man, I didn't even pay attention in health class, because there's stuff I did not know, just sort of about how, like, where I originated from. And grew. And grew. And blasted out of. There was one video birth, and I think there's another one coming today. And they don't warn you. They just start it. They hit play. It's like a jump scare. It's like a Five Nights at Freddy situation. Do they at least put like a fun soundtrack, like Yackety Sacks or something to it? Something where it's like, hey, we know how, you know, intense this can be. We're going to soften it just a little bit. They play his much less popular

Yuckety Sacks. Yuckety. Yuckety sucks. You know what, I take it back. I think rather than Yackety Sacks, I think like Careless Whisper would be better. I think I'd rather like have just some smooth like baritone sacks playing along with it to make it seem like, yeah, this is a smooth, non intense, non terrifying moment. You make it born to be wild. And then perhaps. That's really good. Some sunglasses over the baby as they come out. And the baby comes out, giving the okay sign, saying, it's cool, dad. Don't worry. That would be tricky. That would be tricky because it would require you to find the face on whatever it is that comes out of there first before they mold it into a baby. So what they don't tell you is you don't, you can't love

what comes out initially until about 15 minutes before you can love it. People say the moment that baby was born, my entire life changed. And that's true because you immediately feel like you're in a life or death situation, face hugger coming at you and you're looking around the room for like stray torches or something like that pepper spray, something to defend yourself from this creature. There was this awesome couple that was sitting next to us in the class yesterday who the instructor was talking about how they go like birth to like straight to skin to skin, like they get it on mama's chest like immediately. And there was one woman who was like, I don't want that wipe that thing down. I do not want all of that goo on me. No, thanks. Wipe it down. Thank you.

The video we watched real quick. This is a true thing. Like what we focused on a lot yesterday was like different positions you can get into like relief pain. But there were also different birthing positions. This I did not know. I thought we had figured out sort of the best way to do this. And it was like on the back legs up blast off. No, because the video we watched the birth was an all fours situation. And it must have been effective because that baby just like just like just like blasted out of there. Like it was a t-shirt cannon. It was the craziest shit I've ever, ever, ever seen. I'm not squeamish and I'm not like childish about birth. I do think it's beautiful. This was a new sort of thing for me because it was just like Griffin, you get you

can read about all the different birthing positions in the mama sutra. I can't because it's like commas, but it's like the mama. Yeah, I don't think I can't. No, you don't think we can't because it's actually a perversion of a of like a nice thing. I mean, comma sutra can be a nice thing. Yeah, it can be very nice if done properly. We actually are supposed to give it like give that baby to earth just like squatting. I say wait, people capable of having babies biologically are supposed to just squat and let that baby just like pop right out. They didn't invent laying on your back until like the 1300s or something like that. I guess mom's, I guess mom's just, is just got lazy. No, from what I understand, it's actually like they did the laying on the back to make it

easier for doctors to get in there. So they didn't have to like squat. The doctor was like, I'd rather just sit on a stool. Could you lay down, please? Yeah, what's the doctor do if mama's squatting? Is the doctor just lay down on the floor? No, no, he's got a giant like giant catcher's mitt or like a like a net situation. We covered this at Max Funcott in Sydney's birthing class and Griffin, I'm assuming you just didn't really key in there. You're kind of assuming that other people would halo for you, huh? I took a nap. I missed that class on Forch. Fair enough. Let's get, let's get into the shit, huh? I mean, I'm already definitely in the shit and literally as soon as we wrap this, I'm going to hop in the shower and then go back for

six more hours of popplio. Have they covered the fact that most Muslim poop? Oh, yeah. Okay, good, good, good, good. But I'm not going to make a big deal out of it. Well, actually, chill us all about it. Justin, like all women poop, but just some of them do it Here's our first question. This is actually, sorry, there was a guy, there was a guy who asked about that. He's like, at what point do I need to be afraid of getting shot on, he said. And then he's choices. Well, I found it very distasteful and his wife was very embarrassed. And the woman leading the class is like 99.9% of women like do it. And I saw in his face a brief moment of relief like, all right, baby, something to, something to aspire to be that one

in a thousand. When you introduce yourself to someone and they call you the wrong name or decide that they get to shorten it, like shorten Jeffery to Jeff, exactly how many times can you correct them without being a big old jerk? Like at what point does Mel or Melody just become my name? Wait, we should make it clear her name is Melody. Oh, okay. I was going to say, well, Melody, if your name's Melody, I, that, the die is passed. My name is Jeff. My name is Jeff. Hi, Melody. No, no, it's wrong. That's from just call me whatever. Well, I would like to give a pretty laissez-faire attitude towards it if that's your I would like to pose like a very non-macro answer. Okay. The first time it happens,

look them square in the eye and not in a jerky way, but just in a very clear, like, just say, no, actually, it's Melody. Period. That's a, that's such a hard one, especially over the phone, where the phone, there's like six letters that the phone, whoever invented it, I guess Alexander Graham Bell, they were like, well, his assistant was like, Hey, Alex, do we need this thing to like recognize N's and M's and D's and T's and Alex was like, no, no, no, people will figure it out. Anyways, it's 420, I got to go. Anyway, I got to blaze it. That was the first recording. 420, time to blaze. At the tone, it's time to blaze it. I'm sorry. I just, there's just not a world in which I would ever correct someone for this. There's just not a war, because like, think about

the payoff for this, right? You let the person call whatever you want, because in the end, it doesn't really matter that much. Like, you know what they're doing, like, you know who they want, you know, they want to get hold of you. So let them do whatever they're going to do. Names are for other people to get a hold of you. So like, if they use the wrong name, like, whatever, it doesn't matter. As long as it doesn't create confusion, fine. And then they'll do it for long enough that eventually, they're going to do it in front of someone that knows you better than they do, and it will be the fucking greatest payoff. Like, the, like, really, I feel so different. No, that's good. That's good shit, Travis. No, no, no, you're fucking, like, you'll turn around

and they'll look at you and it'll be like the fucking end of usual suspects. This whole time. This whole time. But I've had that happen to me. The person found out they were using the wrong name and the look they gave me was like I'd been grifting them the whole time to set them up for this moment. Yeah, no shit. It's called like a kindness grift because you were such like a good and generous person that cared so much about upsetting them that you let them call you whatever you want because it doesn't really matter that much anyway. And then they're going to feel bad about it forever. You know, you show up at work the next day. Oh, what's this on my desk? Is this a fresh baked pie with the crisscross thing on the top? D wishes. I'm so glad I let you call me

the wrong thing for so long. But the other side of that is like, Hey, has anybody seen Jerry? Oh, he quit. What? Yeah, he felt so bad for calling you Trevor for the last six months. He just couldn't show his face anymore. He moved to another country. He's a monk now. It's crazy. But what if the inverse happens and they let it go until you quit? And then like as you're leaving the person finds like your name was what the whole time? Or they don't even make a big deal out of it. They go up to you and they're like, See you later. Have happy trails, Nathan. And it's like, wait, this whole time you actually knew so many different grifts you can pull on the name thing. Justin, I would argue that you have it sounds like you've fairly laissez faire attitude towards name name truncation

and wrongness because your name is impossible to either get wrong or shorten except for except for Dustin. But guess what? Nobody's named Dustin. That's a prank. That's actually incorrect because I get Jason. No, I had a I had a theater professor that called me Jason exclusively for basically all four years of college, not exclusively, but but a considerable amount. That's it doesn't bother me. I mean, my great grandmother called me Jason. So I'm like, it's just like, I don't care. I don't care. That that that name is missing so many sort of word experiences that Justin has in it. It's missing. It's missing so many fun notes. The key to happiness from what I I have gathered a big part of it is being able to let go of ego and like to me being worried

about what people are calling you is like the personification of ego. Like it just it does not matter. Well, for some of us, what? Well, for some of us, ego has been what we've shaped our entire life around, Justin. Well, it's a trusty. That's a rickety bridge, man. You gotta maybe check the supports on that one on that whole worldview. You can be a rickety bridge. Travis also seems impossible to get Travis seems impossible to get wrong too. I have been called Trevor . Tarvis. Tar Vis Targis Tar-Game. The worst you know what I did try to make it like travel. Fucking hate that. Oh that would do is just like an infant infant realization of my name. I'm a 30 year old man. When I call restaurants and I place orders, do you guys want to guess

That's what name they put down for me when they don't get it right. And this is not a goof. The name, I would say maybe 50-50, 50% people here griffin, and they say, oh, I've heard that name before. The other half. Anybody want to guess? Jeffin. No.

Kristen. Kristen. Kristen. Wolfen. Hello. Yes. This is Kristen. Egg rolls, please.

A hundred of them. Kristen has an egg roll size hole in her belly, please. Speaking, oh, this is a good little segue. This Yahoo! is sent by Eric Woods. Thank you, Eric. It's Yahoo! Answers user.

Sorry, something's gone wrong. Do a quick refresh of the page, see if we can't get the data to load, and no, unfortunately, it's still wrong. It's from Kristen. My alter ego asks, can you legally have a number in your name? For example, if you're the fourth Peter in your family, can you legally be called Peter four? Now, not Peter the fourth.

Peter four. Peter four. Petty four. Can you legally have a number in your name? It depends. Are you talking about, like, the number is pronounced? Like, could you put an eight in there and just have that, like, you know, pronounce as part of the pronunciation?

Oh, like, if your name was. Kate. And it was just, like, K-eight. Damn. Damn, like, make, kind of give you a name, like, a license plate vibe. I'm saying you could do, like, Caitlin and just, like, K-eight-L-Y-N. Okay, but seriously, now, can you put a number in your name? Can you do that, though, for real, though, because they, their characters, they, they're

on the keyboard. Who's going to stop you? Yeah. The government. I mean, the government on this one. Do you think that there's, okay, picture this, honey, she's beautiful. I think we're going to go with Kristen Four. Pfft.

No. Shut it down. What? How'd you get in here? I'm with the government. You can't put a number in that baby's name. It's Chris in the fourth. Now, get out of the hospital.

We need it for somebody else. One of the nurses in the birthing class yesterday said that they had a baby named Absid, which was literally ABCD. Slam dunk. Crushed it. I like that. That's really good. What about Peter?

It is important. Like when we were trying to come up with baby names, we had the thought of like, what's the name that you could pick that like you couldn't turn into anything else and that like no one's used before. Absid's pretty good. Absid's pretty good. Yeah. Peter, I like this.

I like the idea of like, if you have like a Peter and you could do like a shitty video game branding convention where like there was a game called, there was a game series called thief. The third thief game. The H-I-3-F. Oh, God. The Thief. I think you just throw a three.

If you're the third, Peter, you can be Pthreater. I'm Pthreater. That's a tight ass name too. I like that. Yeah. Pthreater. But we know that they're the fourth. You got to get a four in there.

You're right. Pthroater. Pthroater. It's pronounced Peter, but it says Pthroater. I know. I know what it says. It's my fucking name. You think I don't know what it says?

My dad, Pthreater, named me. But we have a thing, like the parallel that they draw is like a weird, is a weird example because we have a thing for that. We have a way to put numbers if you're the third or fourth Peter in your family. Like we have one of those. Does it have to be a direct line of succession in order to justify that though? Like can you just be like, this is the fourth time we couldn't come up with anything better than Peter.

So here it is presenting Peter. Well, Justin, this is the classic James Bond, James Bond, Jr. conundrum because James Bond Jr. was not James Bond's son. Wait, what? They're his nephew. No. Yeah. No.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm sorry. You're not wrong. I'm saying no to just the whole thing. Like I think even like Blofeld was like, wait, that's not how that fucking works. How do you do that? How did they justify that in the canon of James Bond, Jr.?

His parents were real lazy. I don't know. I don't know. James Bond doesn't have a brother. Wait, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

James Bond, Jr. series. James Bond doesn't have a brother or sister. Yeah. Lotta, lotta holes. So how could that happen? They had to have dealt with that, right? Right? Hold on.

Hold on. Why don't I know the answer to that? I watched every episode. Maybe it was just a young James Bond and the people who did. No. He was related. Damn it. Did James Bond ever roll up on the cartoon show James Bond, Jr.?

And he was like, make sure you shoot them right in the brain. Anyway, time to go fuck. It's like, whoa, damn. Have some gin, but I'm well. I'm can't. I can't have gin. I don't care. Drink it.

No. Okay. I don't have any idea. Like it is not covered. And also no one. Okay. The son of David Bond. Hello.

I'm Dave Bond. Hey, I'm Dave Bond. What are you naming your son? David, Jr.? Well, James, actually, it's funny you should ask. I got this cool brother. This is going to come off a little weird, but his name is James Bond, Jr. What are you talking about?

Crikey. This is my new British accent. Yeah. Well, I just thought you want him, what? It's funny that we're talking about this because I've actually wanted to talk to you boys about this. I think I'm going to name my son Justin Travis McIlroy, Jr. So is that, are we good?

Am I good? Honestly, can I just tweet that out real quick because I'm so honored by it. Let me sit on the tweet. We're waiting for our social media manager, Bryson, to work up a package for us. Can I read just one sentence from the James Bond, Jr. Wikipedia page? Oh, Travis, that's the rest of the episode. Alternatively, it has been proposed that Fleming's James Bond had a brother also named James Bond, who is the father of James Bond, Jr.

Alternately, it was proposed by an idiot, a popular, well-known idiot with a platform. What the fuck? These are my son, James. What? And his friend's IQ, the grandson of Q, not how that naming convention works either, and his friend Gordo Leiter, the son of Felix Leiter. This show is whack. I'm James.

This is my dad, David Bond, and my best friend Gordo. I'm the creator of this show, has never seen James Bond movies before in action. He chased his scum around the world. That's the only thing I remember about James Bond. He does do that. Junior character. How about another question? Yeah.

Here it comes. And Goldfinger has a teenage daughter named Goldy Finger. What the fuck? That's gross. That's not great. Oh, no. That's really not actually excellent. Goldfinger High School Goldy Finger?

No. No. No. So you're really naming. I'm really naming her that. But you understand that, yes, I've not threw all of it. I know exactly what it means, yes. I know what I'm doing here.

Goldfinger, do you not remember what High School was like? Yes, it was awesome. It was awesome. No, I remember exactly. I wanted to grow up stronger. Also Goldfinger was his fucking last name. Yeah. His name was Arik Goldfinger.

You can't name your daughter Goldy Finger. They were really playing fast and loose in the James Bond Jr. writers room. So stupid. Okay. So stupid. All right. Here's a question. God, I miss you, man.

Oh, boy. When I use the stall at work, someone off his prankster likes to come in and use an app on their phone to create fire noises. Pretty good. Then when they have finished, they leave turning out the light. How do I get them to stop this? Please help me bring peace and quiet back to the bathroom. That's from Disturbing Detroit and fucking obviously this is camouflage.

They are obviously socially uncomfortable with the idea that someone is listening to them do the damn thing and they have created, they have probably not created. They probably just downloaded this app to help them develop their own fart piano. They still convalidate up a new program to fart when they fart. There's a lot of sensors. Are you making any kind of, maybe they're turning out the light, they don't even know you're there. No.

They always, if they do it every time, then they're Jamie fucking Kennedy. Meaning, they're Jamie Kennedy Jr. I just like, can we just do this question and never deal with it again and then like maybe this will be our first viral thing where it gets picked up and our message can just be like, in the bathroom, keep it cool in the toilet area. Just like, get in, how many questions do we get? People try to talk to me. Get in, do the damn thing and get the fuck out.

This is the crazy, this is the most, it's a place where you make yourself vulnerable and then you do the dirtiest thing you do. Can we not do a tight five in there? And also, literally everyone fucking does it. So this idea of like, I'm uncomfortable in the bathroom, like this joke star who's in there pranking you and tearing out the lights, they're also doing stuff in the bathroom. Why can't we all have a little bit of human compassion for one another and recognize that the thing we're doing is, in many ways, the worst.

See, human compassion does not fit, I'm, I, to me, the bathroom is the break room from being a human being. Yeah. To go, I have seen people, I've known my entire life in the bathroom and we have let it pass without any hint of acknowledgement. I've been in, like, at an event where I've ended up in the bathroom at the same time as a famous person, they are not to me. It's not like I'm polite and I just, no, they're not, they're not a person right then, none

of us are people. We're taking a break from society right now. We're like, we don't have to interact, we don't have to do anything. It's a sacred time of not fucking talking or looking at each other, period the end. I took a piss next to Paul Simon once. He may as well have been a stack of shoeboxes. I don't give a fuck. Mine's Blue Diamond Phillips and he might as well have been a picture of Blue Diamond

Phillips just on the urinal next to me. Now can we, can we take a moment and figure out why that picture was hung up? Enjoy this, enjoy this LDP while you do your LDP. Go down dirty poop. God. Um, yeah, just, we are all just, just primitive boxes in there. We are all just, we are just husks doing our caveman stuff. Please don't, please, the, the, the ladder of awful things you can do is like, it starts

with innocuous stuff, like don't hand out mints in there. I'm sorry that somebody either hired you or invited you to do this, but it's a, it's a, it is a trespass upon me and my safe space. Oh, I have a money making scheme for that. Just encourage me. Stand outside the bathroom door and everybody who walks in, tell them, if you don't give me a dollar, I'm going to come in there and hand out mints. I'm going to go down there with you.

Um, could we, oh man, guys, oh man, guys. What? Here's a money making idea. You walk into the bathroom. What's the first thing you see on your left? It's a rack full of Phantom of the Opera masks. You throw one of those little, you throw one of those bad boys on or maybe, maybe you bring your own from home and then you can have your own sort of, well no, you can't bring your

own from home. It has to be, it has to promise anonymity. All of these beautiful masquerade masks. Turn every, turn every bathroom into eyes wide shut. Yeah. Except, except that it's literally like we're pretending like all of our eyes are just shut. It's just eyes shut. God, I mean, if we could, if we could figure out a way to like, okay, you, another solution

is you walk into the bathroom and there's blindfolds and you put those on and then there's like a string that you follow to either, you know, Browntown or either, to either which of the different toilets there are. Maybe. Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Another money making idea. Bathroom bouncer. Okay.

Okay. And they've got like a rope and they're like, now we're at capacity, gotta wait till someone else comes out. Yeah. That kind of, you know, and it's also, that's gotta make it feel cool. And then if somebody flips off the light and he's like, oh, no, you're not allowed back at the bathroom ever again. In any bathroom.

In any bathroom. I'm going to spread the word. I have a, we, we, when we were shooting our TV show, there was a, there was probably 20 people, I would guess, working on it at the same time in one building that had one toilet to spare. So basically anytime you went to use the bathroom, you were doing like the knob turn. Oh, there's like knock occupied and then having to move away. My question is how far do you have to move away to, do you guys do the thing where you

move away so far that you couldn't conceivably have been the mystery knocker? The person who was like, like, I've gone so far as to like look around as though I've just seen the person that knocked on them, like get away from me again. Like I was trying to get tabs on him. Well, he went that way, boss. Go get him. Oh yeah. He ran right through.

He's dressed like a real perv. When they will walk out of the bathroom, I am on my phone making a fake phone call. And as they walk by me, I'll say something like, it's been so nice talking to you for 20 minutes. I will often do a full pantomime as though I've just realized I need to go to the right. Even if no one else is around, just in case, like it's sort of like, oh, were you just in the bathroom? You know, now that you mentioned it, I could bathroom.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, because there's nothing worse than like they walk out and I have just through contrivances and situations that follow us all have been too close to the bathroom after that. And when the person comes out and they're like, it's all yours. Like the, no, I don't, what did you do? What did you do to prepare it for me? What is the way is prepared?

This is not. Yeah. This is not a giant robot that you've been piloting that I am now taking on the legacy of. This is a toilet that we use for, for shame. Justin, use my mech. You have to, you have to finish the fight. That's a good thing to say.

Finish the fight. This one's for all of us. This is a good opportunity for me to have a little press conference for you, my two brothers, because Justin was not joking. We had one toilet for all 20 of us for three weeks while we were shooting the show. And at one point the toilet seat broke. It came off the hinge and was just kind of a free floating situation. And ladies and gentlemen, thank you for gathering here today.

It is with much sorrow that I admit that I was the one who did break the toilet seat for everybody. I never admitted it and nobody ever fixed the toilet seat. We did get another toilet seat and I thought like, boy, I broke it. I should really take it on myself to put it on there. But here's the thing. I used my foot to open and close toilet lids because I'm not some sort of wild animal. And I guess I did like sort of a hard bicycle kick and it disrupted the machinery.

And so I apologize and I hope that we can all come together as a country to find a way forward. Thank you very much. No questions. No questions at this time. All right. Let's let the healing begin in the money zone. Do you guys want to know what I had for dinner last night?

Not especially. Yes, I do. In great detail, pan seared cod with udon noodles served in a... That is not how that word is pronounced even close to it. Udon noodles. No, I'm not Don. Thank you for asking, though. Udon noodles.

I'm Desirone, shiitake broth and some very good other good flavors to enjoy with a relish. I believe so. Yes. Thank you. Two scoops of that. Over at table. Justin. Oh, my regards to the chef.

My compliments to him on this perfection served on a platter. Who's the chef for this one? Well, consider me abashed because it is I, Justin, or chef Justin as I prefer to be called when I'm wearing a hat. Are you in a fugue state? What are you doing? What is going on? You don't remember it?

I... Yeah. I don't remember how good it was because I convinced myself that no one could have made... No person that was me could have made this Blue Apron meal. That's right. It's Blue Apron that turned me into a chef magically. So magical. I don't remember the details.

You sound like a drunk, chopped contestant. It's noodles with flavor. So Blue Apron is a service that will... You sign up for it and they send you boxes with meals in it that you get to make yourself and they're really good meals. Like I just described one and then there's Thai green curry chicken and squash with U-choy. That was in September. Roasted pork steam buns.

I love the steamed buns, man. Those are good, yeah. You can't get those around here. So it's really nice. Like there's a lot of stuff. I live in West Virginia. There's a lot of stuff like I literally don't have access to. Like produce that I don't have access to and that kind of thing.

So it's really cool to be able to get the experience of making those. You can check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash my brother. That's blueapron.com slash my brother. I want to tell you all about Squarespace. Squarespace is a fun and easy way to make your own website. Whether you need a landing page or a beautiful gallery or a professional blog or an online store, it's all included with your Squarespace website.

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It is a really, really good platform for making a website where you just like get Squarespace and you don't have to worry about anything else. And you can start a free trial today. Before again, you get your website and you're good to go. You can get your free trial today at squarespace.com slash my brother and get 10% off your first purchase. That's Squarespace. They don't even say to say this anymore, but build it beautiful.

Maybe they're moving away. They're rebranding. They can. They can't. You can't take that from me. Do you remember when Pepsi used to be Pepsi, America's Pepsi, and that was their tagline? No. Every time I think of Pepsi, it's like Pepsi, America's Pepsi.

I think the tagline was Pepsi. It's better Coke. Do you remember when Dr. Pepper, Dr. Pepper had one and it was like Dr. Pepper, the other brown stuff. And now like every time I drink a Dr. Pepper, I'm like, that is the other brown stuff. Do you remember when Taco Bell invented tacos and had to sell them to a hungry nation in the sixties? And the tagline was Taco Bell.

It's like a hamburger flipped in half. Yeah, it's the one that never had them. Yeah, that was crazy. I'm so glad they invented it. We have a message for John from Kitty and Ten. Congratulations to the okayest Dungeon Master ever for acquiring your first home. That's all we have to say, but the more I type, the less each word costs. I've got it down to $2.08.

All the best, Kitty Puri and Den Viesel. God, when you break down the math like that, it really makes me question the sort of efficiency of some of it. Yeah. Well, that and also like, if the next Jumbotron, I just want it to be like no articles, no. Just like a conjunctions in every single word to just like squeeze. It reminds me of that that 1-800 collect commercial that's like we out of baby eat Subway.

You remember that? It was a good commercial. That was good. Yeah. Another good tagline. I don't think we out of baby eat Subway was the tagline for the collect. What are you up to? You have me rolling that commercial because it's like, what a cheap man to spend the quarter.

You just had a baby. It's a boy. It's been the quarter. Call your folks. Oh my God. I haven't thought about that fucking commercial yet, dude. I haven't thought about the idea of collect calls in probably a decade. Wow.

Times, huh? The time as they are changing this message is for Sarah and it's from Team Chicago, which is apparently made up of Lauren, Shell and Jess, the 2016 Chicago Bulls, Lauren, Shell and Jess. It's that's right. They're going with the three person basketball team, which is unconventional. Sarah, without you, our nails would be ragged. Our ski ball teams would be sadder and our party drinks would be flatter.

Happy belated birthday to our favorite mixologist and swassamist friends. We love you. To be fair, they just had swassam friends, so she might not be their swassamist. Yeah, sure. I don't want to put words in Team Chicago's mouth. Sarah, it sounds like provides and I try not to look at human beings this pragmatically, just like a lot of functionality to a group like my nails are looking good. My drink is very much on point.

And what's that in the ski ball hole, the 100.1? It's a ball. Sarah put it there. Damn. Damn, Sarah. Now, just to be fair, Griffin, it doesn't say that she brings any kind of skill to the ski ball, but rather just makes them happy. So she might be like kind of, you know, like a mascot.

Maybe she's not good at ski ball at all, but rather she's got a lot of ski ball puns that every time she breaks him out, everyone groans a little bit, but they also smile and laugh too. They love it. They get it. They get it. Ty is a pedantic person. I think when he pronounces these words, it's in a very show-off-y way.

Gyro. Gyro. Sacre bleu. Sacre bleu. Ayers rock. Ooloro. What you are witnessing is real. The participants are not actors.

They're actual litigants with real cases. They call in via Skype to Judge John Hodgman's court, the real People's Court. Now I call you to Judge John Hodgman's Internet Court. Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts. Hey, I've got a Yahoo here. Oh, I've been hoping you would say that. So I'm standing by Sarah Uryas. Thank you, Sarah.

It's by Yahoo Answers User. They're anonymous. This platform is just, uh, it's just quicksand. It's just, it's just sucking down. It's just disappearing. This anonymous user asks, did cavemen cry? Did cavemen cry? Wow.

Did cavemen cry? Yeah, but did cavemen cry? Here's cavemen. Uh-huh. All the things they had to worry about. One, fighting dinosaurs. Defo. Non-stop.

Left and right. Left and right. Dinos, dinos, dinos, dinos, dinos. It was like, um, it was like Jurassic World up in there, but for real this time. Mm-hmm. Fighting dinos just to survive. And I think when that's happening, oh, also other things they were worried about, playing funny ribcage xylophones.

Mm-hmm. I think. Grunting at each other and trying to make sense of what augment in different contexts. Making just really shitty art on cave walls. Yeah, good work, guys. Yeah, put it. Where should we put my art? I'm going to work really hard on it.

It's the first art anyone's ever done. Uh, how about inside of this cave where nobody will ever come? Yeah, that sounds good to me. What they don't tell you about cave art is that cavemen would only do it at their friend's houses as a prank. Like you would come home and be like, ah, god damn it, Og. What is this? God damn it, Jamie Kennedy, senior, senior, senior, senior, senior, senior, senior, senior,

senior, senior, senior. Come clean this up. This is, uh, this is terrible. This doesn't look like anything. What if cavemen just cried like at the drop of a hat? A lot. Yeah. All the fucking time.

I got you this new bone. Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god. I saw this crazy. I saw a fucking huge dinosaur today.

Oh, god. One. One. Did you check out that mastodon over there? Oh, beautiful masto. Do you think they're like, I bet that there was probably a situation where they got to become like really good friends with the dinosaur, uh, and like they would pet them all the time, but then their family would be like very hungry and they would have to like, and the dinosaur

was very hungry too. And they had to make that decision like, do I feed my family to the dinosaur or vice versa? And also it's the last dinosaur. Oh, cool. Yeah. And he's like, as he's clubbing and he's like, I'm sorry, Grog, sorry. Can you imagine how fucking annoying sidebar? Can you imagine how fucking annoying the meetings would have been when a bunch of cavemen decided

to create language like, let's call this one an apple like, like, no, that's a terrible name for it. It has wings and it looks like a mouse with wings. We can't call it an apple. Let's call it something else. Let's call it a back. They were just picking that shit from whole cloth. Yeah.

Like that must have been infuriating. Can we just call it all rocks? No, we can't just call it everything rocks, Doug. Well, everything is made out of rocks pretty much, right? Like everything is just different size and shape rocks. You got to think long term, Doug. Can you imagine being the first caveman to cry? Like maybe something like fall and just like water starts streaming from your eyeballs?

Yeah. What the fuck is Jerry even doing right now? I don't know. I got so bummed that I just started gushing. I don't like, but can I say something? From these orbs in my face. Yeah. From these things that I don't know what they do.

When I poke them, it hurts. I don't know. I don't know. I'm stupid as hell. When I go like this, I can't see the dinosaurs anymore, so I guess their eyes. Anyway, when I cry, it's weird. Feels good as fuck to like really get it out there because we're all under a lot of duress and we live to be 11 years old.

And so like there's kind of a lot going on right now. And when I do this and I gush from my eyes, I guess, it feels good as fuck. Feels really good. I just kind of sit down and take like one second off of like hunting and killing things. And I just have like a moment for me where like I gush from these eye things and suddenly it's like, oh, yeah, that was, I don't know, what's the word, cathartic? I just made that up. I just made that one up.

That's a crazy word I made up. Hey, excuse me, Phillip. I hate to interrupt. I've been trying to do it. I've been thinking of like just like squeezing them and poking them. And but I can't, I'm not gushing. Like what's what do I do? Well, maybe it's because you're a failure and you're bad at it.

Wait, hold on. Let me try. Let me try something. And then he lets a velociraptor into each your dad and it's like, how about now? Yeah, I'm gushing. This is crazy. It feels so good. Does the velocity have to get away with it or well, no, he goes to prison.

Yeah. Um, caveman caveman cried. If dogs cry, right. Dogs cry sometimes. I think caveman probably did it. Caveman didn't cry because cavemen were the luckiest phase of humanity ever. Because cavemen were the only, listen, I can prove this scientifically. Cavemen were the only time of any of our species history.

One of the very much only times when they didn't live among dinosaurs, but were too stupid to realize that they could have with the thing, things that shook it out just a bit differently. Like they missed the dinosaurs too. Like I miss them as well, but I have to look at like their bones and realize like, fuck, I could have gotten a huge saddle or just like killed it out there. They had no idea that they had missed out. That was the last truly happy generation of humans.

Like as soon as our like great awakening as a people was the first time somebody found like a giant tibia and was like, oh, fuck, we fucked up. We did it so bad. Just a counterpoint. They were also a generation where the leading cause of death was being devoured by a big and terrible dog. And so I would argue that that wasn't so great. And now we're worried about like not having internet and mean tweets.

Am I millennials, right? Huh, I mean, it's so much better than cavemen and they don't even realize it. I mean, if I had to decide between people with anime avatars. Saying horrible things to me on Twitter or being devoured by a big and horrible dog, I think I'd actually go with the dog thing. Cause at least then it's over with. And now I have to live with the weight of these anime avatars. Mm hmm.

My girlfriend and I live in a basement apartment and our landlord lives upstairs. We have a door in the backyard that goes to our carport and we drive frequently. Our landlord has two small dogs that poop in the backyard. So whenever we come home from work late at night, we can't see well enough and sometimes step in dog poop. It's her private backyard. So she's probably never had to clean up after them. Should we ask that she clean up her dog's poop or just walk around the house

and coming through the front door? That's from Doodoo Dilemma and DZ. There's just the point in here. It's her private backyard. So she's probably never had to clean up after them. Oh, okay. So another caveman question then. Cool.

Two in a row. That yard just belongs to the dogs. No one else gets back there. So I just let the dookie pile up. I'm turning to a real junk pit. What are you saying? I just leave the dookie there forever. Yeah, you do have to like even if you own the dogs, you do accept that like

this is diminishing the value of this as a yard whenever you leave the dookie out there. Let me take you out to your house. Or a march on your calendar is one worst day ever once a year of your life. This is my this is my house is the new bathroom and just got a remodel. I'm really happy with that. I got porcelain features and then oh, you're going to love the backspot in the kitchen. And anyway, this is the shit field.

Don't go into the shit field. You just have a like a big part of your project. Yeah, it's about a 1500 square feet and it's just an ocean of dookie. That one clean up once a year, though, that's rough. Yeah, the reaping. I can't come with you guys this week. The dark harvest begins on Friday and then I'll have to take a day off, maybe a week off just to like throw up.

Yeah, I think you just I think you just chuck a Molotov cocktail back there and see what happened. Pave it. Pave it. Oh, Pave it. Pave it. Put more dirt over it and then more grass. And then you just keep building it up. So eventually you just have like a mountain of shit in your backyard. I think that's how like like those landfills work.

Yeah, I think that's how the plot of the movie, Poltergeist. We agree, though, that they cannot speak to their landlord about this, right? Like there is nothing that would upset me. Like, OK, if my dog is pooping in the backyard and I'm just like living with that situation, I have certainly done some soul searching prior to this about what sort of yard I want for myself and what sort of yard I want to leave for my children and my children's children.

Like, I think I've probably already made this life choice. I don't need these young upstarts telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing with my poopy yard. Yeah. And also, it's that's just a crazy thing to ask somebody. Hi, I don't know you, but I live in your house. Anyway, touch shit. Touch, touch shit. Touch it. Touch that shit.

Go out there and get your hands, get your grubby hands all over it. Maybe some kind of Sky Bridge. Now we're talking. You either need to touch shit or put in a state of the art Sky Bridge. I'm talking maybe Sky Bridge. Maybe like a ski lift that just sort of lifts you over the dookie fields. Or like that thing that Wayne Zalinski had in Honey I Shrunk the Kid that like you just lay in and kind of like pulley yourself

across the yard and then you get on. And it also helps you look for your miniature kids. You remember. God, what if the kids from the kid shrinking movies and we cannot go off on another kid shrinking movie tangent again? But what if this is where they got lost? No. Where are the kids?

They're they are they've they're better off dead at this point. They're they're lost in the shit fields. Oh, God. Hey, I have a vape confirmation, by the way. Oh, OK. I didn't know this was a thing that we do on the show. Well, this is one that we had discussed previously. OK, I just wanted to put a pin in it because I got a text

from my dear friend Dwight Slapy last night and it read thusly. FYI, John Cusack was just caught vaping at the Cubs game. So that one is in the books. That's an official like that. I think he should actually be removed from which one vapes because that's an official one. Yeah, it's just cheating. I do want to hit you.

I think he's jersey needs to get raised up into the rafters of which one. Just want to hit you guys with a quick quick one because I did wander over the website while I was thinking about this. And I did just want to hit you with this one. Montell Williams versus Tim Curry, which one? Vapes. That's good. Now, which one vapes, though? On that one does vape.

I think Tim Curry tried it once and he said, no, I find it displeasurable. Expect to win or was Montell Williams. I think that's right. Yeah, I think that one is is legit. Alan coming or Mr. T. Which one? Fuck, that's a really Alan coming. Alan. Oh, man. Oh, man. That's tough.

Alan coming can probably do cool. Like Alan coming definitely smoked analog. And when he did that, he probably could do cool, like French smoke blow techniques. And so I think that translates over to a vapor environment really, really easily. So I think you can really good at it. I think it's Alan. OK, fair enough to Mr. T. That just according to the science of which one vapes

is Mr. T. The whole time. Can we take it to the leaderboards mode real quick? Because yeah, let's check the leaderboards. I don't think that there's been a lot of action, but I do just want to recap. Number six, most likely to vape Rob Kardashian. Number five, Ashton Kutcher. Number four, Shia LaBeouf.

Number three, Macklemore. Number two, Chris Angel. I'm pretty sure this number one is new. Coming in with a bullet number one. And it's basically absolutely. So on point is Dane Cook on on the number one. Number one least likely to vape right now is Lana Turner. I think a lot of people use a cheap get out of jail free card

with those least likely to vapes when they're. I don't think you can assume that vape technology was not available in Lana Turner's time, and that should like give her an out. I think you need to just make the assumption. Debbie Reynolds would have pulled down the thickest, luscious cotton. By the way, most likely brother to vape right now is Travis. Excellent. Congrats, I just don't see that, but that's fine. OK, I would.

I'm more of a second, most likely, I think, but you know what? I'm not here to judge. That's what the website is for. Let's let's wrap it up, huh? I got to go watch more just wet and wild stuff. Down at the baby class. All right, let's bring it on home. Thank you to everybody who listened to this episode and enjoyed it.

We very much appreciate you. Thank you, the maximum fun dot org network. I want to give a special plug for Max Fun show called Dead Pilot Society. Oh, God, it's so good. The premise is great. They read pilots that didn't get made and do like stage reading, stage readings of them, and they're great. But the one that was released this week

is a script by John Hodgman, starring John Hodgman as a 14 year old John Hodgman in a script called Only Child. And it's so fucking funny that you you should really go listen to it. Right. The second fund, that maximum fund dot org, along with a ton of other great shows. If you like the shows we do, we do a bunch of them. You can find them all at MacRoyshows.com. You can also find like our contact info and videos, stuff that we do there as well. I want to plug a podcast because like I've recently seen a lot of people say

they didn't know that I do this podcast. It's called Cool Games, Inc. It's a video game design podcast for me and Nick Robinson at Polygon. We take ideas that are goofy from the audience and we develop them into into full video game ideas. And I'm really proud of that podcast and it's Cool Games, Inc. And I think you would really like it. I also do Rose Buddies with my wife,

where we talk about Bachelorette Canada right now, which is pretty buck wild. Well, if that's what we're going to do, then I do a podcast. Yeah, hop in there called Shmanners, where we talk about etiquette and how it still applies in the modern age. And we answer people's questions and give advice on it. And yeah, I mean, it's really good. And I think my wife does a wonderful job on it. Everyone check it out.

It's called Shmanners and it's on maximumfun.org. I got a maximum shows called Sobons and my wife's a doctor and it's a medical history podcast that everybody just adores. And it's just the tops. It's the tops. If you like weird old medical stuff, especially around the spookiest of times, we need to do like a spooky episode, by the way. It's like, I don't know, like a spooky one.

We got to think of a spooky episode today for my brother. My brother, I don't like to release something very haunted and ghoulish. Yeah, something ghouly. Anyway, that's called Sobons. It's on iTunes and maximumfun.org and it's available for you. Thanks to John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. Is it a part drop? The album put in the days to bed.

Such a good album. All of the Long Winters albums are so good. Just just just go find some music of theirs and go listen to it and then go purchase it because it's it's really great. Final Yahoo. Yes. Yes. Final Yahoo is sent in by Zoey Kinski.

Thank you, Zoey Kinski. Right in high. Yes. Right in high. Right in high, Zoey Kinski. Thank you. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Dini, who asks, have you ever wondered what happens to ghosts during tornadoes and hurricanes?

That's good. I'm Bob. We had a baby eats a boy. Oh, come on. Why is Justin McRoy? I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother, my brother and me.

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