My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 331: Bro's Better, Bro's Best Ch. 112-121

Episode Date: November 28, 2016

Well, now Griffin had a baby too. Listen, we've heard all the jokes already, so let us just save you some time: The McElroy Brothers can't stop procreating. We get it. Ha-ha. Anyway, here's another greatest hits episode, we hope you like it half as much as we like MAKING BABIES.

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Well, folks, welcome to my brother, my brother, me, and the vice show for the Modular, I'm the oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy. Crickets! That's right, Griffin is not here. He had a baby, and he's doing the dad thing, as they say. Yeah, as everybody says, you know, that old saying, doing the dad thing.

Yeah, the old saying, doing the dad thing. So what we have for you instead is a bountiful selection of delicious, best of, greatest hits. We're sorry to do another one of these so close to the last one, but them's babies, okay? Them's the babies. Them's the babies, folks. We should also say, I guess, Griffin and Rachel are both doing great. Their baby, Henry, is doing good. Everybody, everybody's doing well. So, you know, everything's going pretty smoothly for them. Henry is absolutely beautiful with big, wise eyes. Wise, baby. It's that baby's got an old soul, I can hardly tell. Maybe two old, maybe an ancient one. Who knows? It could be an ancient dark soul, it's impossible to say. Who knows? Anyway, here come the hits. These are the hits,

folks. Drink it in. This Yahoo answer was sent in by Kate Stahl. Thank you, Kate. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Humphrey, who asks, will I ever need to wear my cap and gown again? I just graduated this year. What to do with the robe and cap? I was wondering if I would ever have an occasion to wear it again so that I should spend $35 on dry cleaning. It's not cheap to dry clean the stupid robe. My college regalia colors are different from my high school regalia colors, and I doubt that I could wear it to my college graduation ceremony. I was wondering if any of the following events would require a cap and gown or even permit me to wear one. And what would I wear to these different events? I will probably be attending this coming year. Am I clueless?

And then there's some, there's, there's some. All right, let's see events. We'll vote. Thesis presentation and defense. Yes. I do not know what that is. Okay. I would wear, it sounds like a power play, though, to wear a cap and gown. A formal academic award ceremony. Just a cap. Just a cap. And nothing else? Nothing else. Now that's a brave look. Tell me about that. What it says is that I graduated from the University of Bucking. Can I, can I put, what about, what about just robe? I got my, I got my magna come loud. What about just, just robe cinched, cinched, cinch your back. Rolled up sleeves to the shoulder. So you're showing the guns. I like to see some black jeans underneath the robe. That's a really cool look.

If you can get that one going. Hem it up, hem it up, cinch it with a belt, hem it, black jeans. And now, now you, and then it's a, you got a tunic basically or a blouse. Yeah. I'd have it like open to the navel. Fraternity party. Yes. It depends, depends on the theme, right? But if you do it, you have to wear it to every fraternity party so people start to know you as the Robester. Oh, that's nice. Robespierre. Robespierre is here. Could you be Professor Beer Hands? I knew it also, your hands would need to be made of beer. Have you guys ever heard of Edward Forty Hands? Yes, I heard of Edward Forty Hands. Please, Professor Beer Hands is my father. Call me Edward. I feel like Professor Beer Hands was invented right after I got out of

college, which is a shame because it seems like the kind of problem solving I could really get into. I, I, I have to tell you, it sounds like hipster legend. I don't believe anybody actually does Edward Forty Hands. Can you imagine doing Edward Forty Hands and then like you get a phone call? Yeah. Like there's a knock on the door. Or how about you've just consumed 80 ounces of liquid and you need to pass it through your body via penis or vagina? What's the next step there? Tell me, tell me where that terminates. You just start smacking at your zipper, I assume. Yeah. And then you hope that luck comes into play. Yeah. If I find I'm going to be in an uncomfortable scenario, sometimes one of the tricks I do is I try to learn more about the

scenario than anybody there. So I can try to make myself, like get super deep into etiquette for male strippers. Like what is, what is off limits? What is good? What is not? Oh, no, no, no. Okay, Susan, you'd have a dollar for each ball. It's a dollar per ball, Susan. Oh, I, I, you looked right into a spread, but you can't. Instead of moving that male stripper, Susan. Hey, ladies. Hey, ladies, I know that. He part of it. That's five dollars. I know what you're going to love. You know, the part of the show where he spraises his butt, cheeks, and stance. It's emotionless for 15 minutes.

And you throw skittles. It's like a carnival game. You're not actually supposed to look for more than 20 seconds at a time. Or else it loses its specialty. Actually, no one's supposed to look. If you look, he, he leaves. He scammers off. He just spooked him. Sheila. No, he starts, any time, so it looks, and it's spread bow. He starts the timer over again. People die of hydration. This is the hydration sweat. Because if you look at your spread butthole, hey, somebody look, God damn it, Christie. God damn it. I got started again. One, two, no one look at my spread butthole. Please. Isn't that the plot of Magic Mike? It's basically the first hour and 45 minutes are him trying to get through the 15 minutes.

No, it's an interactive film. If it's just, it is just stalker Channings. When it's on the honor system, you have to push the button connected to your seat. It is just stalker Channings spread butthole on the screen. Yes, mom and dad, I do want to pursue acting and I'm sorry, but I'm quitting my day job as the usher that has demanded the audience to be sure no one loves a Channing Tatum spread butthole. I said stalker Channings. You said stalker Channings. Stalker Channings doesn't mean to me. You said stalker Channings spread butthole. You've conjured that image and new existence with your words.

Now everyone is thinking about stalker Channings spread butthole. It's your fucking fault. You know, you actually said it and I went through this montage similar to like show girls where stalker Channings is like training Channings. No, you got to spread it like this to really get that soldier vitro up. Humors are all out of our channel. You know, that's not the, you know, that's not the first time that switches happen. Oh Christ. I think horses might be on some next level shit. They're like the dolphins of the land. They're like land dolphins. They're basically land dolphins. Hey, do you want to go down the land dolphin races and lay some bets? Me either. That seems inhumane.

Let's just let them run free. Why don't we have dolphin races? Just side note. Yes, dolphin races will be fresh. I'd really rather watch that than horse racing. I think it's because creating on-sea seating is so daunting because everyone who would want to watch dolphins race is fat. So you would, I don't know how you would buoy them. When you call, you would need like mermaid jockeys. See, yeah. If I said dolphin jockey, that kind of sounds like a racist slur, maybe. Yeah. Or like something you call a scuba diver. If you don't like know what that is, very good. Maybe someone, some sort of islander. I don't know. Is it maybe it's like a, maybe it's like a Tongan racer, racer slur. I don't know. I do not know that that, I don't think it's.

It's like somebody who's not from the island. You mean like they put a pineapple on top of their, on top of their beef, you know, like, oh, you don't put the beef on the pineapple. You dolphin jockey. Yeah. Go back to the mainland. Is that your islander impression, Justin? Yeah, you just say everything slow. Go back to the mainland, dolphin jockey. You sound like you've lost the ability to have inflection. Yeah. If like, if the Caribbean had like a deep south and also you were drunk. Take your, take your banana Republic Polo and your ability to modulate your voice tone back to the mainland, dolphin jockey. Now that's becoming like a Charleston islander. It's why he played it in the 60s. It was a crazy time. They got Charleston. It was like

Genghis Khan and John Wayne. You know, they got a white man to play an ethnic role. It was highly, highly offensive. I need to stop you both right here because I don't think either of you have watched a hip hop music video in the past 15 fucking years because I do not think popping and locking it is still a thing that is commonplace. I do not think in a new Chris Brown video people are moving like robots. Are people still busting a move? That is no, no. They drop it like a time. Young MC took that one to the fucking grave, John. They take it to the floor now, now spit their toes. Now put some cardboard on the floor and spin around real fast. Oh, yeah. Did they do that head spinning or like the guys? Pardon me. Do I do it like a tornado? Teacher,

would you like to see my Tootsie roll? No, no. I wouldn't because it's fucking 2012. It is not 1999 anymore. I don't need you to teach me how to dogy, but I would appreciate some notes on how to improve it. Charlie Brown. Nope. It's not. It's super not. When do we start working on the electric slide? We never did. Never will. We never did that. Can't. It was never a thing. Excuse me, teach. Can you teach me how to do that move that the guy in the fishing hat does where he shakes his head really fast and it looks like he's vibrating? I think it's in break in two. Teach, teach. When do we start the partner work with the brooms? What are you talking about? Are you in Frantasia?

Well, no, but now, yes. Teach, pardon me. When do we get the lesson about dancing on the ceiling? That's going to go on. When do we start the Jamiroquois work? Now, Friday, we have a Jamiroquois workshop. We do have the room where the floor is a giant treadmill, so everyone, we're going to have a lot of fun. Yeah. Don't bring your bags in, please. Do not bring your bags, but do bring in your gigantic hats like Mr. Jamiroquois would wear. Did you guys know that the lead singer of Jamiroquois was just named Jamiroquois and it was just him? Now, is that true? No. Why did you laugh? He was actually the last of the Jamiroquois Indians.

Exactly. Oh, Christ. Do you think metaphorically, when we look back at college and think of all the times we didn't get it, and you're like, do you think that's what all of life is like that metaphorically? If you're not getting it, so the difference between college and the life I'm living right now, this is what I'm saying, the difference between college and the life I'm in right now is similar to the difference between, is relatable metaphorically, the difference between being alive and being dead is basically what I'm saying. Do you think that's an accurate metaphor? I bet that hell is just like a series of being able to watch, like completely watch on like television or on a giant movie screen those moments, and then like having a pop-up video

that's like, if he would have done this, then this is the million dollar idea that would have changed his life, or it would have been the most amazing night of his life, but he didn't because he was chicken shit. Hey, if you'd ordered the Panang Curry, Steve Buscemi would have heard, and you'd be like, oh, bro, that's my fave, let's party down. And then he would have been best friends with Buscemi. Yeah, and that is, I guess, life's ultimate achievement. What the fuck are you talking about? I regret, my life is perfect right now. I have a great podcast and family and girlfriend job, but man, me and Buscemi were buds. What if Buscemi were your roommate? Oh god, I would forsake everything to be a Buscemi bud. You fucking idiots. I'm sorry that this isn't enough. I'm

sorry that you don't live satisfying lives and that you need like a trap tooth actor to help you to help you find satisfaction. I'm gonna tell Sydney all this shit that you said, and Theresa. You don't have to. Listen, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, I love you, but I love love Buscemi. So I just feel like there's a Buscemi shaped hole in my head. It was for Sydney's sake that I didn't pick like a girl or something. I didn't say like, and then Kathleen Turner would hear and you would get totally crazy. Wait, in your mind, Kathleen Turner is the female version of Steve Buscemi, like they're equivalent. Right, exactly. Oh Christ. You could do toys. Like, I've got in my cubicle a Harry Houdini

bobblehead, a Superman bust, and a donkey figurine from Shrek that talks. Go fuck yourself. What? Why? Griffin? No, Travis, you're an adult. I am an adult that works at a theater. You're going to be somebody's husband soon, and you have a Shrek toy on your desk where you work. She says like, you know what, it's parfaits. You know, you ever want to say you have parfaits that have a lot of parfaits, parfaits are delicious. It's hilarious. That was word from word. You have used this toy so much that you have memorized that entire soliloquy. It's great. It's a good thing. And he also makes jokes about Shrek farting. He says like, shoo, Shrek, you used to rip one off. I'm not opening everything. It's pretty great.

I'm just saying. It's just a pretty good thing. Justin spit coffee all over his keyboard. He had to go. Did he really? Yeah, he's cleaning it up. Okay. What an idiot. You're stupid Shrek doll. Hey, do you have any creative ideas for fundraisers? I'm raising money to spend two years in Nicaragua, volunteering, and I'm a little short of my goal. Thanks, EBD. Can you kickstart a Nicaragua trip? You can kickstart pretty much. If I wanted to go to Hardy's, but I didn't want to pay like the four bucks for a sandwich of sausage and eggs, then I could kickstart that. Let's kickstart and my brother and my brother made Hardy's party. And it's basically like however much money we get. That's how many people. Okay, to start, we need $500,000 to build a Hardy's. What? There's a Hardy's

in Route 60. You guys have Hardy's here? Go get it. We'll need at least. I gotta go. I think we're in pretty good with Andrew WK, so he'll probably cut us a pretty sweet deal to record a version of his song. When it's time to party, we will party hard ease with my brother and my brother and me breakfast fundraising experience. We will party hard ease. What are the California raisins doing? Will they come back? I will put on a garbage bag and dress like a California raisin for you. This is going to be a really good party. I'm really excited about this. You guys, this is going to be like a super bad party. You're welcome. I wish my super bad party was at a Hardy's on Route 60. They had a little sliders. It was awesome. It was a little

Hardy farty. What are we doing? It's hard ease. It's no sard ease, but it was a Hardy's party. Just don't be, don't be tardy. Oh, for Christ's sake, move on. You're going to arrive with my friend Marty to the Hardy party. My friend Marty erased all my pictures. Creating ideas for fundraisers. I think if I saw a grown woman selling lemonade, that would be pretty crazy. I think I would probably donate to her because I'd assume she was, she, she had fallen on hard times. Especially if some of the letters are backwards. Oh no. Oh, she put like women aid. Wait, not women. Not women. Fundraising gold. I actually think you could be arrested for selling women aid on the street. Excuse me. You got permit for this women aid?

You sound adorable officer. No, I mean, is lemonade, is lemonade, is women aid, lemonade sold by women? What is it? I thought it was lemonade sold for women, like made of them. Like you put a spigot in the side of a woman and women aid comes out. It's a 100 pure fresh lemonade. This is like, I feel like a new energy beverage, a new vitamin water is invented every week and women aid is our fucking meal ticket. I know. Women aid is, is the, here's what it's got. It's got natural balance of electrolytes. It's going to help you rehydrate. It's also got estrogen because that's something that's in ladies. Here's what you do. And also B12 and whatever is in red wine that makes you not get Alzheimer's.

You, you gotta, you gotta, you take a regular country time lemonade, you cut it with water because vitamin drinks can't taste as good as normal drinks. Right. And then you throw a one-a-day women's supplement in there. That's so key. And then just a dash of red wine. Hey guys, can I, let me throw this out. Let me eat you with this. Okay. Okay. The spokesperson, Ray Liotta. Ray Liotta for women aid. Now, can I, that's a brave, that's a, that's a brave choice. That seems, seems pretty cut and dry. I don't like it. It's too obvious. You know, what women these days are so concerned about is osteoporosis. So women aid does have ground up bones in it. Yeah. So you can get your calcium. It is, it's the chunks that let you know

it's working. It does make it a little mealy. It makes it sort of sludge-like. Hey guys, what, what would you think of this as like a mascot? The little animated baby from Allie McVille. I love it. Your biological clock's ticking and it's counting down to women aid time. Crack open a fresh women aid with the baby from Allie McVille and Ray Liotta, our spokespeople's. Get out of here, baby. You're creeping me out. This is Ray Liotta's voice. They promised him that they were going to CGI the baby in later, but they never did. Did you see that fucking women aid commercial? Ray Liotta is losing it. I'm losing my mind over this. Trying to win this little diaper.

Doing that little dance. What do you call that, baby? It's just, hey, baby, get back here. Hey, hold this drink for a second, baby. I got a women aid. I got pitch women aid. Gotta sell the people on it. Ooh, get chocka. Right, baby? Ooh, like that. All right, baby. Remember that? Remember when you appeared in McNichol? Oh, man, I love that show. I feel like women aid idea is going to make us a lot of money. So the neighborhood that our company house, where all of our young actors live, it's not a nice neighborhood. And the other day, they were telling me that this group of young people was just throwing rocks at cars, like on the street, not even cars driving by, just parked cars on the street, just throwing rocks at them. Can we, but before we, before we jumped to any conclusions, are we sure

that those cars didn't ask those children to throw rocks at them? Kind of a Knight Rider situation. What? The Knight Rider where the cars are talking to them and asking them to throw rocks at them. You know, Knight Rider. You know, Knight Rider, Knight Rider. With John Ritter. It's just John Ritter giving David Hasselhoff piggyback rides. Oh my God. Sorry. I just had the vision of John Ritter voiced by Mr. Feeney, and I'm going to have a rod all day now. Perfect. That's going to really impede my workday. My girlfriend and I like knew exactly almost what time her ring was going to be available. She knew it was happening. It said to me, if you wait, I will kill you. Right. And so I like proposed as soon as I got home, which was

fine. It was very nice for us. Got down on one knee, did a sense of romance and things, bought a flower. It was very nice. And then I had to spend the rest of time explaining to people why I didn't do something more surprising. Sure. Now, here's the counter counterpoint. Who wants to get married, bought and chained milk and milk. Don't milk the cow. You can go out and get it. You don't have to tie yourself down with a, don't just fry for you on that hot air balloon because you don't need a sandbag tying you down. It's like, just go see, just go sow your seeds in the field of pussies. I don't remember that scene from the OHS. Wait a minute. Stop the world. I want to get off. You just say, sow your seed in a field of pussies. What kind of shit are you running here?

Sow your wild oats in the pussy dirt. It's not a ship. It's a farm, obviously. Pussy farms. Zanga's new Facebook hit. Come water my pussy so I can get 30, 30 pussy coins. Have you seen my pussy cow? I think it wandered on at your Facebook farm. Give us $30. We'll give you a 600 giant, giant point so you can use to buy new pussy cow. The pussy wolf came and snuck in your farm, Nate. Oh, you're in Vegas. You're pussy Vegas. Our wolves are vegetarian. Don't steal that in your Facebook game. We'll sue you. Come on down to giant, giant ranch for all the, we got milk for the pussy cows. Great to move on. There was a lot of, I guess it's good that we do a split every now and then

because we usually talk about boners a lot, but there was a lot of discussion of the vagina and its parts in this particular episode. Griffin, the one thing that you should have learned from Mexico is no regrets, you know? Which is also the Romney campaign slogan. Never look back. Romney 2012. It's like my 12th time trying this. I have nothing left to lose. You want to see my taxes? I want to see the future. Why is everybody, why are you in the past? I wanted to talk about how much money I'm going to make next year. That's what I look forward to, which is why I've hired a baby to be my vice president. Come on, baby. We're going to the future. Come on, baby VP.

Baby VP. Okay. How would you not, but I think I would, I don't agree with Mr. Romney's politics. If he did put a baby on the ticket, I would be, what if he actually showed the baby like sitting on the ticket, sitting on a ticket? And you did like, like Romney was at his podium and then you had like a small baby podium next to it, then you put a baby dress like Mitt Romney with a Mitt Romney wig on. And he's wearing a two pay. I would vote for that. Hey, Romney, if you're listening, you're welcome. Just imagine that VP debate too, right? Because you would have our VP whose name escapes me. Is what? Sorry? His name escapes me at the moment. Oh man. You know, Joey B. You know the guy? Joey B. Joey Bagadonuts is up there.

And he's doing his thing up there. I can't remember the goddamn vice president's name. I've been out of the country more days than I've been in the country. Don't you have to take a test to get back into the country? This is hugely embarrassing. I'm pretty sure it's Joey Flipp. Is it not Joey Flipp? Flipp Wilson? Flipp Wilson, vice president and then node cross dresser Flipp Wilson. Okay. I want to see a VP debate with Joe Joseph Gordon-Biden. You know, he was so good on third rock from the sun. I love his working brick. I want him up there. I want a baby up there. And one of them is going to poop his pants, but the other one is going to say something offensive accidentally about the gay community.

And it's going to be great. Which one was which? I don't know. It could really go either way. You pay your money, you take some chances. Let's get into the advice. I just forgot the vice president's fucking name for two and a half minutes. You're not even like an American anymore, really? Damn it, Facebook. It's, here's the truth about the Facebook. And I, it's sort of my whole, it's not just for me. It's not just Facebook, it's life, you know? Uh-oh. You got that right Matthew McCulloch in Mexico. Now listen, listen, let's get these stinky, sticky bongos out. Let's just, let's wrap about this. Fucking, how is anyone ever supposed to miss you if you're always there? Are you saying to disappear for a while? Was that on the uh,

was that on the note, the tweet stream of quotes from the notebook? Because I do follow that. Hey, listen, for real, listen, if you're a bird, I mean, fuck. I want to puke. Fuck. Listen, seriously, for real. It's seriously. Listen, for real. This is F-R-E-A-L life lesson. How, like, if you're always tweeting and booking and LinkedIn and then about everything you do, no one's gonna give a shit. You gotta compress. And even then, nobody gives a shit about anything you do. The reason that your friend gets all these likes is because he says something broad. He says something that means something to everybody, not just him. Went to five guys today. Too many fries. Zero likes. Because everybody likes fries.

No likes, no shares. You know why? Because everybody went to fucking five guys today. Yep. You know what? I'm gonna drop some Carnegie on you. Here we go. You can win more friends in two weeks of getting interested in other people than you can in two years of trying to get other people interested in you. You put up a Facebook status that is about your life and how much it blows slash rules. I don't like either one of those. If it rules, I feel jealous. If it blows, I feel empathy. I don't like either of those emotions. If you put on your status like five o'clock somewhere, you know I like that. Because I'm into that. I feel that. I'm with you on that. Or get engaged. Because that's what I did and I got a fucking like 350

likes in two hours. I love this. Travis, you have just given birth to the king of ideas. Cracked it. Get engaged. Or just every. Then end it and get engaged again on cycle. That's a little extreme, but there are a ton. I opened up my new business today. Three days later, business went under. Should have had a better plan. Anyone know good music to listen to? And then say like, pray for me. Pray for me. I've got to go pray on it. Let go of my God. Anybody got any choice quotes about prayer and its meaning and value? Anyone got some sweet Bible verses for me? Need them? Last weekend was my birthday. Happy birthday. No, no. Happy birthday, Justin. Not me. Like, like, like. I'm gonna share that with all my business friends.

Oh, one idea. Find a picture of an old guy in a military outfit and then say, this was my pop pop. He passed away this week or something like that. Like, like, like, like, like, like, people like him and my G-Mauer high school sweethearts. People are gonna like that. This is my G-Paw. I'm red blood Americans. This is my G-Paw in the war. I want, I like how your G-Paw looks. I want to be his LinkedIn professional buddy. I want a buddy, I want a buddy link with him. Like, like, like. I name, I name my farm bill after my G-Paw. Like, like, like, like. I retweeted your grandpa's pussy farm. Like, like, like, like. You guys are gonna hear a great joke? It's on Yahoo. Okay. Justin Cain Synodon. I've never read a Yahoo joke before. We'll see how it

works. Ronnie says, how do you make a horse laugh then cry? To make a horse laugh, you go up to the horse and whisper in their ear, my dick is bigger than yours. To make a horse cry, the guy shows him his penis and it was bigger. That is a pretty, that almost beats my pika joke. Almost. Comes close. Yeah. The top answer on that says horses don't care about penis size. Bullshit, they don't. They don't even speak English, you guys. You don't involve penises that big without some sort of underlying bodge, biological, biological imperative. Bodge conscious. But that's some sort of Bodge ball imperative. And a man with a penis larger than a horse is, is to be pity. He will never have a full erection. It could not lay with a woman even if he could. Weird. Yes.

Now Griffin had a pretty good bit where he used to come up to you and say, is there a baker under your bed? And you would say, no. And then Griff would say, have you checked? I would say, no. Then Griff would say, then how do you know there is not a baker under your bed? And you know, for some people it was adorable and hilarious. For me, it was terrifying and I was afraid of fear of being. Because they were in bunk beds and Griff would hang his head down at four o'clock in the morning and shout this in the Travis's face. I have a confession that I need to get off my chest after, okay, probably 22 years. Okay. Oh, wow. I stole the baker under your bed joke from the movie Rocket Man. I stole probably my most, the joke that whenever you

talk about how funny a kid I was, I stole that shit from Harlan Williams. Took it right from him. Are you telling me this? I hate you so much. I hate your fuck. Are you serious? 10 years old, you thought, oh my God, this kid's on another level. Nope. You know who is on another level? It's Harlan Williams. He's on another level for a 10 year old. That's great because when I was seven, I used to think that Griffin was like a young Harlan Williams. Holy shit, Griffin. Now I'm being usual suspects again. I know. Kaiser, Sozee too. Sozee again. Sozee, we all. Sozee, we all, you don't suspect Sozee. Oh God, can we go to the Money Zone? Man, a lot of great stuff, Trav, huh? Yeah, hilarious, but also makes you think.

That's the best thing about it, is that it makes you think. And what we want you to do right now is think about spending some money on our beloved sponsors. First up this week is Bolland Branch. That's B-O-L-L and Branch. We've been telling them about them for a long time. They have wonderful, impossibly good sheets. They're the only ones that I'll sleep on. Otherwise, I won't sleep. I'll just lay and think about how itchy and crappy my non-Bolland Branch sheets are. So I don't use them. They're 100% organic cotton sheets, which means they start out super soft and get even softer over time. Plus, they last longer. And that's why Bolland Branch will let you sleep on them for 30 nights. If you're not thrilled, send them back for a full refund. Another idea,

these make a great gift. They come in really beautiful packaging. And I think anybody would be excited to have new, great sheets. They're also very strong. If you're looking to string them together to climb out of a tall tower, or if you wanted to use them to catch people who are jumping out of second-story windows of a burning building. Whatever. It doesn't say that on the package. I want to make it clear. Bolland Branch is not making these claims. These are Travis McRoy originals. Right now, our listeners can order at BollandBranch.com and get $50 off a set of sheets. That's $50. 50 clams. 50 clams. That's BollandBranch.com, promo code MyBrother. Bolland Branch, that's B-O-L-L, end branch.com, promo code MyBrother

and get $50 off a set of sheets. Is clams a thing people say in terms of money? It is, right? It is a thing. Right? Who else would you like to meet, Travis? I said it and it didn't sound right. Also this week, we've got Harry's. Justin, let me ask you a question. How's your face? Great. Perfect, actually. It's smooth. It's perfectly smooth. It's a great face. It's perfectly smooth. You have no facial features? No, it's a perfect face. You know why? Because I use Harry's for my shaving needs. Yeah, you do. Harry's. I would say revolution in the world of shaving. You might still be doing like the store-bought stuff and you're going and you're having to wait for somebody to come

unlock the acrylic bulletproof case because you're some kind of razor criminal, but Harry's doesn't believe in all that shit. You go to harrys.com, you just order what you need and you know what? Because they don't have all that like brick and mortar overhead stuff, you're going to get it at a way cheaper price, but with higher quality blades. And that's the deal with Harry's. You get high quality blades at like cheap, cheap prices. It's a great deal. And right now, Harry's has a limited edition set that would be perfect for maybe a holiday gift or just a little treat for yourself. It's called the Winter Winston shaving set. It has a midnight blue chrome razor handle,

which you can get engraved with initials. Three of Harry's German engineered five-blade cartridges that provide a close comfortable shave. It also has some foaming shave gel and it comes in a beautifully designed gift box. So this isn't just like, you know, plastic, that bubble packaging that looks like you bought it at the corner store. This looks like something someone would be happy to open, be excited to get. And that's all for only 30 bucks. And razors, they're for everybody. Razors are for everybody. I use it. Teresa uses it. And BB uses it. We've tried to get her to stop, but she just won't. She's like, no, dad. We don't keep a clean house. We just leave razors laying around. These prices you can afford to have. Yeah, we just, we get them. Half of the razors we have,

we just throw on the ground. You know what I mean? So how can they get it? Well, what you're going to want to do is you're going to want to go to harrys.com and you're going to enter the code mybrother at checkout and you'll get $5 off. Now this is a limited edition shave set. So they still will have their other shave sets, but this winter Winston shaving set won't last long. And free shipping ends on December 9. So if you're looking to get something for the holidays, you're going to want to go get it now. Go to harrys.com and enter the code mybrotheralloneword at checkout for $5 off. Trust me. It's amazing. Go check out harrys.com H-A-R-R-Y-S.com. I got a message for Ben and it's from Doug and the message is happy birthday,

bro. I definitely didn't buy this a week before your birthday because it was actually less than a week. Yep. I'm best brother. Sorry for disappointment. A long time ago. Maybe it'll happen in time for my birthday. In which case, happy birthday me probably for me. Buckle up, Doug. Love it. And the timeframe, it literally says this, the timeframe is May 8th, lull, which I think that they, I think probably Doug knew, knew what he was when he picked us up. So, so thank you to Doug and happy birthday a long, long time ago, Ben. You know, speaking of the, the, the jumbo trons are on sale again. I haven't checked to see how far in advance they are sold out now, but they did go on sale today, the 28th. So don't

wait. If you're looking for something, go, go do it now. You got another message here, Trav? We do. This other message, Justin, thank you for asking, is for wheelchair and it's from snake. Happiest birthday, boo. I love you the most. I'm so glad you were born. Good job on another 365 days of super bad assery. You've got the brains, the looks, the booty, and the hooks, hooks for hands. Enjoy the brother saying these things. Butts, butts, butts, butts, butts, butts. Get out of my dreams and into my car. Beep, boop, boop, beep. I'm a robot. That was a very good message. That was pretty solid. I liked all of that a lot. That's great stuff. So happy birthday. And that was for June 25th. So again, very sorry about that.

Whoops. Whoops a daisy. Anyway, folks, thank you for listening. And, uh, Oh, before we head back into the show, the new episode of till death to us Blark is up. When up on Thanksgiving in case you missed it, go check that out. In case you don't know what that is, me, Justin Griffin and Tim and Guy from the worst idea of all time. Watch and review Paul Blart Mall Cop two every American Thanksgiving for the rest of linear time. Go check it out till death. Do us Blart. Uh, anyway, back to the show. This one was sent in by Krista Whalen. Thank you, Krista. That's by a who answers user, Kevin, who asked if your celebrity crush says he or she will go out with you if

you eat just a little bit of his or her poop. Would you do it? Oh God. Yes. Yes. No, can you reread the question? If your celebrity crush says he or she will go out with you. Stop right there. Stop right there. Go out with you. Listen, if you're talking about an ongoing relationship with my celebrity crush, this isn't just a one off situation. Okay. Anybody who begins the tenor of the relationship with just eat a little bit of my food. So how did you guys meet? Well, funny story. So how I met your mother in

the final. The last shot of the show is the two kids on the couch horrified. The episode is 30 seconds long. And Bob Saget's like, all right, here it comes. Are you ready? It's Penelope Cruz. And she said, how you feel about scat? And I said, not great. And she said, well tough. And then I ate just a little bit. The end. And then we get our heads around it. Bob Saget is wearing a ball gag. We didn't change any other questions. Now get out of here. So you're wanting to boop on me. Oh man. And that is the story. Now your mom says her little whore has done enough storytelling it's time to get upstairs and do my whore job like a good little slut that I am the dad from elementary mother. I have to go. Oh, God. Oh, should that be great? Those kids would be so angry.

Like we've been sitting here for seven years. And that's how it ends. The end of it is you. And he just looks at it goes the aristocrats. Yeah. Really? What? So you think it might be a celebrity mother? That's how I met your mother, Gina Davis. Known archer and scat enthusiast. The star of Cutthroat Island, Gina Davis. Earth girls may be easy, but earth boys will eat your poopies. It's science. I also feel like it's too much and letting people know that my celebrity crush is Gina Davis. Well, now Gina Davis or earth girls are easy era. Yeah, commander in chief. Earth girls are like 1988 circa Gina Davis. Sure. But also circa 1988, Andy McDowell. So. Oh my God, yes. I got some weird standards. Yeah. And it includes time travel, I guess.

And being eight. I don't want to talk about it. We're all in very happy relationships. I feel like if this question was to hang out with a celebrity you think you should be best friends with. Would you eat a little bit of Alton Brown's poopie? Just to like hang out with him. Yes. Have you seen how well he eats? Yeah, he's really prepared it. You got way healthy. Yeah. I was saying like if you said like eat a little bit of David Tennant's poop all over it. Yeah, sure. Not have this conversation at all. Travis would probably eat a little bit of David Tennant's poop, even if it meant not hanging. Doesn't it like just showed up in a FedEx box? Even though I just ran into a dude on the street in luncheon who said,

hey, you want a bit of David Tennant's poop? I would ask the price. Can this not happen? Let me listen. I only listen. I know you want to get off this subject, but I have like 75 more questions. Do you think there are people out there and I really I don't I don't fancy myself a celebrity, but do you think there are people out there who would eat a little bit of our poop just to hang out with us? Yeah. I really hope not. Like I super, super, super hope not. Okay, let me rephrase. I bet there are people out there that would just eat our poop. I don't think it's no Travis. No, we're not. No, we're not. We're not Tennant level, but I think we have a little bit. No, no, no. I'm saying just because I think there are people out there that like to eat poop.

Oh, sure. Sure. Okay. I guys, everything that's happening right now is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Okay. Justin, there's not a single celebrity whose poop you would eat to hang out with them. There's not a single person who's Antonio Bander. I should. Okay. You got me. Shit. You had to cut to the core of me, Travis. Let's see. I need to talk about like something like humans talk about. I need to take like a big gulp of water and just a big gulp. I hate this stupid podcast. I recently started a new job, but I got a problem. I manage your burps constantly, never excuses himself. He mentioned once that he burps when he is hungry, but that would mean he's hungry all the time. The other day, your boss is Yogi Bear. The other day, I think he burped

in front of a customer and didn't say anything. Also, these are not little burps. Should I say something to him? If so, what should I say? Is this just a guy trying the, is this just a guy thing that girls just have to deal with? I was bullied by a burper in elementary school, so maybe I'm more sensitive to burps. Please help me out. Grossed out in Greenwich, who works for Travis. Pretty sure it's Greenwich. No. Greenwich. I don't know why I said Greenwich. I'm so sorry. You edited that, so I'm sorry. Oh, a dog. Egg burps are completely natural. Travis Burps. This gentleman needs to learn to excuse himself. Travis Burps. Did you say egg burps are natural? Because I'm here to tell you egg

burps are the pits and they are the most unnatural. I said the letter A. Okay. It sounded like egg, so are you hungry right now? Is that a burp? I actually am very hungry. I have not eaten all day. The first time God smelled an egg burp, he was like, I did not make that. I blew it. This is not of my creation. That one's on Satan. That was a Satan burp. I have not eaten in the last three days to avoid burping. I'm trying to cut back. I appreciate that. No, Travis Burps a lot. Travis has the dyspepsia. You have a disease. He tries to blame our disease, but it's really just rude. I don't know. The disease doesn't make you open your fucking mouth when you burp like you do. If I don't burp, I'll vomit. The disease doesn't make you go to the trophy store and buy

what every time. I'm just saying. I had one once. It was like three minutes long. It sounded like a demon was coming out of me and it was epic. How does the disease perfect you from covering your goddamn office? Because I'm not a child. I'll burp when I want to in my own goddamn house. But you're not in your house. I'll burp in your house. I'll burp in anyone's house. I would not, could not in a house. One time I actually heard Travis burp out the words Cincinnati King of Burps, which. To be fair, that was during a job interview and I nailed it. Now I'm this person's boss. So I'm climbing up the ladder. I'm afraid I might have it. This past year I've been burping a lot and it's really not from a place of pride like Travis.

I'm deeply ashamed every time I do it and I live with my girlfriend now. So she has to like, I always try to be dainty about it. So that's a sin trying to come out. I try to be dainty probably. I try to be dainty about it. But there's just nothing doing and I always feel this need to just apologize profusely every time it happens. You should just hide it behind a lace fan. Put your gloved hand to the back of your hand to your mouth. Right. And hide it because apparently you're a Victoria. And then I just burp like an American. I faint every time too. It's just nice. That's the vapors. No, it's it's it's horrible. It's disgusting. You're farting with your mouth and like you wouldn't you wouldn't in all seriousness. You should not like this dude

is wrong burping at a professional workplace in front of customers as your boss. Like don't get me wrong. I celebrate my burps at home with friends where it's safe. It's not but go on. But I'm saying I think that you're perfectly in in the right to the next time he doesn't be like, hey, Chet cut it out. You realize that like when I'm like staying over at your house on a trip or something like that and you burp the first thing I don't think is oh this is a really safe environment for me to be in. You don't think well I'm a guest in his house. No, I think are you fucking kidding me. I'm holding a burp right now. You guys because I love you and I love our listeners. When I know Griffin's coming to my house, I turn on a nice sensei. I'll maybe select a scent

scent cake to put in something I know he'll enjoy. When Griffin goes to Travis's house, burps in his face and shouts dominance. Yeah. I will not be bullied. Yeah. All right. Burbers you might stand up. I think it's an old fashioned. You might as well be telling me about how you're going to get a phosphate down the soda fountain with and then pin a girl and go steady. We're adults. It's 2012. Burp if you want to. No, you burps. It's an over. It's an archaic rule. What are you talking about? How does it upset anyone? You burp so hard once my beer fell over. How does it affect anyone other than being children and giggling at it because it's burping? Because it smells like all the food you've eaten. Burp loud. Burp proud. How far do you extend this?

Like do you shit in your hands and throw it at people? No one will ever stop. God will that up? Pretend I'm Gina Davis. Like what are you? No, because I also don't burp in people's faces. I don't sneak up behind them while they're napping and burping their ears. So that would be hilarious. You would excuse yourself to the corner to defecate in. Like some sort of beast. Is that what you're saying to me? Listen, one step at a time. Travis, some of us are trying to live in a society. Right. Over here. And I'm trying to make this society safer with people with my disease. You're saying, you're saying when you make it sound like you're throwing up invisible vomit, it's because it's for a fucking cause? You're making a point? Well, no, it's because I enjoy

burping. It's the, oh, Travis is on the march of grimes. Oh, oh, man, you are horrible. Eat better. It just eat better. Just treat yourself better with food rice. Me? Yeah. Okay. My lady friend's sister got knocked up by a questionable suitor from your hometown. That's Huntington, West Virginia. We're headed to the wedding next month and seek your guidance for things to do in Huntington that don't involve feigning confidence in the unholyest of unions. That's from Andy and Kendall. God, I think the better question is what can't you do? Yeah. We've prepared a musical number for just this situation. Here we go. You ready? Get drunk. Well, Griffin is correct. There are quite a few drinking establishments in Huntington.

Just to name a few, you got our favorite stumblers, too, still stumbling. Real bar. Google it. There's Peckers. Is Peckers still around? No, Peckers is now a teen nightclub. Is it? What? It is. Because it was, it was, this is the God's honest truth. It was a Christian themed nightclub, right? Called like Lamb of, oh, what was it called? David? No, Lamb of Babylon? Lamb of Fun? No, there was Club Babylon City of Sin, which was an adjunct of the Pearl Ultra Lounge. Those were both in the same building, but two different names. And that was the former Renaissance bookstore. Former Renaissance bookstore and for a short time jazz club. You got The Thirsty Whale, which you, and the Off the Shoulder Jonesmen's Club. Of course. You could go to Hanks.

Hanks, Marks, Dave's. St. Mark's Place. I've recently been informed by Google that there's a place called Jack Hammers on Route 60, so make sure you get out there. You go to Driftwood or Stonewall. Yeah. Huntington's two gay bars. Jack Hammers, maybe a third one. For Huntington's two gay people. It's a perfect fit. They have all the space they can want. No, they're, they're populous. No, they're not. What else? They get hyphy. You get hillbilly hot dogs. Just get yourself a snuffy doll with cheese or Huntington Prime if you're looking for some little fancier. A little fancier. You could go stare in the windows of the closed-down theater. Which one you ask? Ah, take your pick. Take your pick. You can visit the burial place

of Soopy Sales. I don't, is he dead? Is he dead? He is dead. You go stare at the river for hours. Also, you're on a lot of meth at the time. Yeah, right. You could buy meth. You could make meth. Yeah, sure. You can fight the ears. You should jump in that river and just, because you'll die. Just let it take you. Yeah. Let it take you down. And I think those are all the things. So, enjoy. Have a great trip. Make sure to look me up. There are tours by my home. Ghost tours. Ghost tours by my home three times daily. Just as near a hospital. It's a lot, it's a lot of spectral activity up there. Yeah. I will take you on a ghost tour of some of Huntington's number one most haunted places. Ever tell you guys that story? I was, I took a ghost tour in, in Savannah,

uh, where we're, you know, you go around the local locations and really it's just an excuse to stop by local bars and you drive around in a giant hearse and you stop at local bars and you get out and you buy some, uh, even if they're not haunted or supposedly haunted, you can still buy alcohol because Savannah has the open containers. And you get all the spirits. You get all the spirits you want, right? So you get to travel and, uh, travel around. And, uh, at one of these breaks, one of these, uh, these, these, uh, you know, beer, beer breaks, uh, the driver is talking to my father-in-law and he said, where are you guys from? And we said, West Virginia. And, um, and he said, uh, yeah, there's a prison there in, in West Virginia, uh, that, that is supposedly haunted,

right? And, uh, my father-in-law, Tommy says, yeah, uh, apparently it's, it's, uh, one of the most haunted, uh, places in America. And the guy, I shit you not says, well, most haunted is difficult to quantify. Is it, is it, sir? If a place, if a place had a ghost in it, it would become the most haunted place in the world. Yeah. One, one very like bold ghost that was just like, I'm here. They stopped by any time. They will trot that out though. Oh yeah. This is the most haunted. This is the most haunted. Per, per square foot. We got a thousand ghosts a foot. A thousand. Yeah. There's so many ghosts. There are real crammed in like sardines. Can't walk from one end to the other without hitting the ghost. It's really tricky to, uh, sorry. Go ghost.

Go ghost, my throat. Sorry. Sucked up some ghosts. I'm going to have some real bad Rio tomorrow, but that's tomorrow's problem. Happy birthday, Jordan. Happy birthday. Happy birthday, Jay Phonic. Oh, are we not allowed to unmask? Did I just like unmask the luchador? Go to JayphonicMixtape.com. You might as well tell everyone that Dead Mouse's real name is Francis. Oh shit. Francis, what are you doing on that stage? Ma, I'm trying to mix some beats. That's not music. Whatever happened to Rudy Valley? Ma, go home. You look like a big old cyborg Mickey Mouse or something up there. What are you doing? Ma, I told you I'm working. That ain't a job. Get back to the diner and help your father clean up

the airbag and swap. He's not well and we're all waiting for the drop. Give it to us. Give us that high beat. That stinky drop. Give us that fat, nasty bass. We're all waiting for it. Your grandpa is going to die before you drop that fat bass on us. Your cousin Skrillex would never make us wait this long for a fat, nasty drop. Oh Jesus. Francis, my high is peaking. I'm about to come down. I got my hands in the air. I'm ready. Drop it. Oh God. Your father worked all day to synthesize this X. My neon glow bracelets are losing the luminosity, Francis. Francis, the close and the JCC at 7 PM. All these people have to get out. Just drop it. Drop the beat. It's stupid. Can we, every time we do an episode, can we say what nice thing about each other?

Just something sweet. Like Justin, your ceviche is the best ceviche I've had and Travis, the hand, the muscles in your hands are like really big. Thank you. Never made ceviche. I don't know why you would say things like that. You have made ceviche for me before. It's really good. I have not. I have not made ceviche for you before. You made me ceviche shrimp once. I did not make you ceviche shrimp once, but thank you. You made, I fucking ate ceviche. If they were those just raw shrimp, I was eating out of your refrigerator. Did I tell you guys about the text that I got from dad? I got a text from dad. This is like three weeks ago. It was maybe 8 PM on a Saturday night and I get a text from our shared dad that says,

try ceviche. Just apropos of nothing. Matt, Clint's just like, hey, try ceviche. All right, dad. Like now, I was thinking putting it off. I was thinking putting it off. This is gone far enough. I remember, do you think our dad, do you think he confused like his text message app and his notes app is like, I got to send this. I'm going to forget this. Got to put it in the cloud. Oh, fuck. That's good. Oh, man. Just so you guys know, of course, our listening audience won't be able to enjoy this, but just so you guys know, I'm not fucking with you. I'm going to send you a screen cap that I just took. Here are the things that my dad texted me about. One, premiere dates for shows that we both enjoy. This can be helpful sometimes, so I appreciate that.

Two, and I don't know if you guys get these two. I don't know if you guys are on this mailing list, but when somebody dies, like a celebrity dies, I always get a text message from dad. And it's always very, it's nice that he's almost the emotional pace car for these kinds of things, because he lets you know that, he lets you know that, yes, this person did just die, but it's cool to drop a goof in here. For instance, August 20th, 2012, and somewhere Fang is crying. What was that? That was a reference to, I think, Carol Channing dying, maybe, or the Phyllis Diller dying. It was a reference to Carol Channing killing Phyllis Diller. Um, explain to me about hashtags on Twitter.

Oh, how about this? Oh, this is a classic Jim. He's moving on up. Oh, that was a Mr. Jefferson dies. Priceless. Priceless. Priceless. So good. Dad doesn't text me. It must be lovely to have a kind of close relationship with your father. Actually, I got a text about that, said I'm not texting Travis anymore. He just keeps texting me and calling me Travis Snow, and I don't know why. July 3rd, 2012, I hope Aunt B had him a big old pie waiting. Yeah. That's when Andy Griffith died.

I got this on August 10th. Big thumbs up on new pizza place. That's that. That's not somebody dying. No, but it was really random. We're not spoken about a pizza place prior to that. I don't even know what pizza place he was talking about. Here's, here's another one. And this is, I do not know where he was when he said this. He was going on vacation, but this is the exact text I got from our dad. We finally got here and Richard Gear can blow me. That was from his shitty vacation in Rodin.

How about this, Jim? Oh, can we do this every week? This is so great. French, French steward on community. Brilliant. That says, here's one July 17th. We lost Donald Sobel. That is, of course, Donald Sobel. Author of Encyclopedia Brown books. Oh, man. After his, after his vacation, we are home. Don't get the tuna. What? What place? You have to help me order that.

Don't have the tuna and do tries to be. Dad, you're the best. Thanks for that. I love you so much that your text light up my life. He's not, these texts, us reading them out loud. They're the poorest representation. They are. They make him sound completely incompetent when he's, he's actually, he's a very, very smart man. I just don't think he understands the, the medium,

much like I don't think anybody over the age of 43 does. Listen, I'm 31, so I'm going to have to lower that bar to like 30 because I don't get it either. I don't understand what these, these kids are talking about with emojis. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I don't get it. You know what, I'm going to tell you a truth. Do you guys know what emojis are?

No. Emojis are like the little icons that are all like, all Japanese phones support them and more phones are starting to support them here, but they're, they're basically icons that are like emoticons, but they're actually like little pictures that you can use to convey emotion as part of your texts. So they're high, they are high brow emoticons. They're high brow, high flute and emoticons.

They're next gen emoticons. Okay. They're next gen emoticons. They're called emojis and a true story for about three months after I first heard the term, I thought it was a fun slang for emotions. Like, I feel some powerful emojis, you guys. All right, guys, I feel so many emojis right now. So I'd like to try to repurpose that for that purpose.

I'm currently getting ready to ask my girlfriend of four years to marry me, but a bit of an issue has come up. While talking to her recently, she mentioned that her parents were a bit concerned that I had not yet talked to them concerning my proposal. She threw me for a loop. Is talking to her parents, namely her father, who thinks I'm a screw up, necessary in this day and age? Or is that tradition that went away in the 50s?

That's from Confused in California. No, it's still very much, I think. Yeah, so I've only ever gotten engaged at one time, but my thought on this is whatever they think is a tradition is the tradition. Yeah, I think you should probably get a read on how traditional they are, which I think is going to help you light your way here. I don't think that this gesture would ever be... I mean, I do understand there's inherent sexism in the gesture,

but I don't think that it's necessarily going to offend anyone doing it. I mean, I think you run a much greater risk of offending people by not doing it. Oh yeah, like Teresa's parents... I was talking with Teresa before I did it, and I was like, I want to talk to your parents first. And she was like, they don't care. Don't worry about it. And I was like, yeah, but I do.

And it was still a very nice moment, even though it's not like if I had proposed without asking, they would have been super offended or anything. Can you guys tell me... It was just a nice moment for us. I want to hear your stories. I want to hear stories from Justin, and I want to hear stories from Travis about how this talk went.

Because Justin, I know yours was kind of a panic attack. I'm not good at anything that happens in this whole procedure. And I asked my now mother-in-law if she and my father-in-law could meet me at their house on their lunch break. Which I love. And I'm like, come on back to the house. Let's just talk this through. Because you start out by inconveniencing them.

I know. I like that. That's like full panic attack. And I ask them. I say, well, I'd like to... They guessed they knew the jig was up. And I am like... They somehow put two and two together?

What if you just got them some subs, some subway subs, and they just called in and thought, I just thought this would be a nice thing for us to do together. If we had Subway Sub Wednesdays. Would you come back to the house on your lunch break for me? I want to point out all the messes you need to clean up. Listen. So I'm in the middle of asking.

And they say yes. And then my now father-in-law says, I would like to ask that you would consider maybe holding off on getting married until after she had finished medical school. Because I wouldn't want anything to get in the way of that. And I like, that was three years away. So I like, slap my hand down the table. I was like, listen.

Okay. Back off. I don't... This part of the story. I don't remember that part. I said, back off. I think it's getting fictitious. I think even...

I think your father-in-law, father-in-law stood over you. Yeah. Even if your father-in-law was not a nine foot tall, I would say Conan-esque figure. You would still probably not have the gumption, the vim, to pull that maneuver off. No. I just said like, I'll think about it.

And then we just never brought it up again. And then you got married six months later. Yeah, I got married six months later. That was my play there. I worked that pretty good. Didn't send him an invitation to the wedding until the day before. Yeah, he just didn't bring it up again. So I was like, well, I guess this is cool.

I guess we're cool. Now, to be fair, you really did tie Sidney down while she was in med school. Are you kidding me? You burned all her books. The crazy thing about... You would let her go to class. The crazy thing about his assertion is that

I would ever do anything to get away of me making that money. I know. I gotta get paid. Travis was yours. Yours, I imagine, was much smoother. Well, I mean, it was in the fact that we took them out to dinner in Dayton, so they didn't have to drive down to Cincinnati or anything. But my plan...

Can you drive down to St. C on your lunch break? My plan originally was when Teresa gets up from the table, use the bathroom or something, or she goes away to check on whatever. I'll do it. And I told Teresa that at about 10 minutes in, 15 minutes in, she was like, well, I'll be right back when we go to the bathroom. And I stood up with her and walked over and was like,

I'm not going to do it until you come back. I can't do this without you there. She was like, okay, cool. So I made her sit at the table while I asked her there. You pushed your courage to the sticking point, Travis. Yeah, I didn't at all. I was so freaked out in that moment. Travis, I would like to formally request

that you start referring to me as King Nuggets. The King of Having Nuggets. That's a full title. The thing is, is... Let me just hear it once and kind of try it on for size. So here's the thing, King Nuggets. Now, Travis, who is it that she doesn't have to impress? It's you.

And who is that again? It's you, King Nuggets. Thank you. It's King Nuggets. Oh, King Nuggets. Nugget is adorable. Or it sounds like... His honorable and most venerable nugs.

King Nuggets. Lord Pie Nugs of Nuggington. King Nugget sounds like who Mayor McCheese had to overthrow to instill democracy in McDonald's. My liege, there's been an uprising. The fried kids are revolting. Upturn the vats of Honey Mustard. Take my child McRib and get him out of here.

Where's Kim due safety? Return only when there is calm. Even then, momentarily. Bring me the head of Grimace. No. My lord, we don't know where the head starts. It just kind of slopes. We're having a hard time figuring this out.

Just find a thick part of the gradient. Someone bring me Lord High Chester McPizza. He's been gone from our kingdom. Advisor Brajita, you've served me well these many years. I must send you away to toggle their safety. My liege, here comes Kid Vid, the king slayer. He's riding wheels like a beautiful chariot. The kids club always pays their debts.

The kids club does always pay their debts. I don't see why the horse can't be dressed like something that people dress like. I remember one time a costume that I thought was pretty good was I saw a guy dressed as Judge Lance Edo. So you want to dress a horse like Judge Lance Edo? From the J. Simpson trial. I thought that was a pretty good costume. So you could just dress the horse like

what's something people dress up like now? Probably Dog the Bounty Hunter. Oh my god, horse the dog the bounty hunter. Don't mind if I do. You dress as a hunter and you dress your horse as like a wall mounted head. Like you had to put something around his neck so it looked like his head was mounted on a wall. That's not macabre. Yeah, and you had to put the rest of him in a wall.

But then it's like pretty good. You put him in a box. Just stand still horse. I know I think that that would be a pretty good make it something like a plaque out of cardboard. And then just put what about a zebra? I mean I feel like zebra's right there. I think that's like a minstrel show for horses. Oh my god, what?

What? Come on you guys, come on. Did you see what Daniel was wearing? I couldn't believe it. It's so bold. Then two days later you see Lady Gaga wearing the exact same thing. She's so edgy. She's so edgy.

She's in zebra face. Unbelievable. She's in black and white and black and white and black and white and black face. Unbelievable. Didn't they make a movie about that called Bam Zuzold? Yeah. Oh, nice. Hang here.

What? There are 10 people out there that will laugh at that joke. No there are. There are 10 people who go oh yeah like Bam Boozled. And then they'll turn off our show and then they'll throw their computer away. Just so I can quantify, did you just say Bam Zuzold? I did. Okay.

There's like in a zoo where like in a zoo. Okay, all right. I think it's all right. I think there's meat on them bones. Thank you, Justin. But why can't you just say like we're having an evening? We're doing stuff. We're getting together.

It's important to let people know what they're coming, like what they're coming into. Yeah, you want to establish the vibe. So what would you call it, Justin? I don't know. I'm saying I don't have a good answer for it. I think we got to use a totally gender neutral word for like. It has to be gender neutral.

If you're eating nachos and steak, then what if we just called that like dump? And it's like a very, it's a- We're taking a dump. No, no. It doesn't have to be that. It's just a word that sounds like the thing that it is. It's dump night. Come on over for dump.

And then if- Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Dump. Don't wear your fancy khakis. We're taking a dump. I'm going to take that word back from the way that you honestly, the juvenile way that you guys are using it. I'm going to open a fancy Chicago restaurant called Dump.

Does it have like three years in it? No, it has one you with an umlaut. Dump. Come on down to Dump. We got steak. We got stew. We got steak at Dump. K-Picks?

So the walls are just lined with plastic screens showing the choices. We got all the freshest Angus steaks and all the choices cut from K-Picks at Dump. I need like cash, baked goods, some of the grains would be great. Something untraceable. I just need something that I can trade when the revolution comes. Sky high steaks. Some something I can barter with, you know? Just something to get us out of the country.

Give me some of that barter paper they call money. Do you guys want to- The family Ahu? Yeah, please. God save me for myself. This family Ahu was sent by Emily Wall. Oh man, that's so good. They're these the following 11 words.

I feel like summarize this human being more than any 11 words could ever summarize any other human being. It's by Ahu answers you, Trevor, who asks. Is it possible for a ferret to hide a fushigi ball? Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.