My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 335: Rise of the Star King

Episode Date: December 27, 2016

Happy Candlenights, everybody! This year's curse-free Candlenights spectacular isn't a live show, but it's pretty merry all the same. Please enjoy what turned out to be an in-depth teardown of the supernatural being known as Santa Clause, which -- DANG IT. We can't NOT spell it that way. Suggested talking points: Stuck Santa, Wrapping Preservation, Fashion Santa, Hallmark Madness, Star King, Rudolph's Vindication, Toys for Dogs and Babies

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother and me, Calomite's 2016 super-duper spectacular. My name is Justin Tyler McElroy, Christmas boy. My name is Travis Patrick McElroy, the Yule man. Griffin Tyler McElroy, boys, what's that coming? Hold on. Boys, what's that coming down to the

chimbly? Look at, look, he's turning your eyes towards the chimbly and see what's coming down it is up. It's a reindeer, a full one. Oh god, no, not like this. Oh no, he's done. That's, he's done. They should not be vertical like this and pinned in a chimbly. This is not good. Oh god, so we call animal control or take care of it ourselves? I think we should call Santa's fat a to get down here. Oh, it's getting much no cursing. Yeah, it's special, very special. There's a whole, there's a whole platform on Hulu of those like, I think it's called streaming Christmas and it's like, it's in the vein of those Yule log videos that just like go and you pretend that, oh, it's so funny and you pretend to turn them on and

think that it's funny and cool, but really it's just a boring log that is on fire for a while. This streaming Christmas platform, this production company has cracked into something new and that is other sort of long form explorations of the genre and me and Rachel and her folks and Henry last night, we watched one that is called stuck Santa that I'd like to talk to you about at length if you'll give me the stage for a little bit. Yes, do we need to like pass a motion or? No, I just, it's gonna be a little, it's just gonna be a little bit of a dive. It's a 48 minute long movie and it says when you load it up, it says stuck Santa and then in parentheses, full film and film is gracious because all it is is it's like one of those

fireplaces and you think a Yule log's gonna start crackling, but no, you just see two feet pop down and then for 48 minutes, you hear a man just sort of vamp, like, oh, no. And like, oh, what have I become? Oh, that didn't help. I'm still very stuck. And then I want to get in. My diarrhea is acting up again. And then just to get into spoiler territory, there's no dye dye, there's no hot snakes whatsoever. But at about the, I want to say like 39 minute mark presence start falling down. So like, I'm not sure how the physics of that work, like, how are you stuck and like encompassing the full space of the chimbley, but also like your presence are coming down, do you have them up your booty Santa Claus? I'm really glad you brought this up, because I do have one question,

I have not seen it. Yeah, sure. Stylistically. Yeah. Attitudinally. Yeah. Is it for children? Is it for adults? Is it for ironic perverts? Because I would like to tell you the ending of stuck Santa. And that is all of these presents have fallen down. And you still just see his stupid legs. And he says like, Oh, no. And then the words the end appear. And the video comes to a halt. So I guess he is dead. And if he's not dead, then how are you going to withhold that climax from us? If he's not dead, how did he get out? How did he get out? But here's the I think he does he doesn't at the very least like Santa works on like a pretty tight schedule. If he does get out later, that's 48 minutes of like primo delivery time. That's like, that's like all of

like Eastern Europe is just ain't getting it no more. No presents for you Eastern Europe. That was your 48 minute window. But at the worst case scenario, Christmas is not happening this year because Santa went and got himself stuck. Did you grieve? And did you wait until the post credit scene when Nick Fury showed up? Nick Fury showed up. He's like, I want you to join you. You've been stuck in that shimbly for 48 minutes. You can't even do your job tonight. And you know what, I'm going to pass. Thank you, Santa Claus. Thank you, Santa. He dies at the end. We were watching it like and then his feet are going to like pop out the top and he's like, off I go back on my magical. No, he's just dead in there. He dies in there. Dead. Dead. They should call it dead Santa.

But is that the prequel to the Santa Claus? Did Tim Allen show up in this stuck Santa movie? The fake government didn't mention. Is that for the entirety of the hour Tim Allen is in the bottom right hand corner just like, Oh, no. Oh, no. Time for this. I mean, here's the thing. If he does pass away from earth in the shimbly, then there is no recipient of the Santa Claus magic contract to pass to. And so what's it going to do? Where's that good spirit go? Where's the mantle pass to? Where's the mantle pass to? Now we've got these two skeletal legs. He's stuck inside the mantle and there's nowhere for the mantle to go to. Exactly. Can you imagine? Can you imagine being one of the producers of the Santa Claus

and you show up at Disney HQ and they're like, listen, we love Tim Allen. We love Santa Claus. Can you give us the sort of beat the big beats in the story? We don't need a whole, you know, like a deep dive. Just give us the big beat to the story. And these guys have to look them dead in the eye and say, well, first Santa dies like a old age and happy in his bed. No, no, no, no. Tim Allen kills him. Tim Allen does kill him to death from earth. The first thing we see is Santa dies because of Tim Allen's negligence. And always the Santa mantle passes via death. And this is important. A boy does see it. A boy does see Santa's dead, dead body. So a boy watches Santa die. That's the first image

of the movie. Listen, it's going to get worse before it gets better. He then does put on the dead man's clothes. He puts on the dead man's clothes, still cover in his stink. And it's, it's, it's a really bad, it's like watching somebody just break into a funeral home and just start taking things off that corpse. I am glad though, because in the original first draft of the Santa Claus, the naked body of the dead Santa was just left in the snow. They leave in naked man's body. They did make them change that. I'm like, okay, well, the body is going to need to magically disappear or whatever. Like, oh, okay, sure, sure, sure. We do get to still kill him though. Right? We do get that satisfaction.

When this bit started, Jess, I thought you were going to say, can you imagine being one of the producers of stuck Santa and just kind of kicking it for 48 minutes while an actor vamps and probably vapes up there because you only see the legs. Hey, I have a weird thing. I just wanted to mention to everybody that occurred to me as long as we're talking about like a holiday entertainment. This is a Katelynites episode and we're, we got questions and stuff that will answer. But honestly, we don't have any sponsors this week for some reason. So we're doing this one for free. Yeah. So listen, just calm down. Okay. The Home Alone franchise is a delight.

I was playing Home Alone on iTunes and then I noticed something very unusual. Home Alone on the Rotten Tomatoes website has a 55% fresh rating. You ever heard anything like that? That's wild. It's Home Alone. It is Home Alone. Now here, this gets much more buck wild. Home Alone 2 has a 24% fresh rating on the Rotten Tomatoes website. And that's based on several critics. It's based on a lot of critics and it's 24%. Here, wait, wait, that's the critic rating? Not like, that's the critics rating is the freshness of this film is less than a quarter fresh is over 75% rotten according to the critics. Here's where it gets like, you lose me. I mean, you already lost me for sure. But like, I come back in and I'm like, how are things going? And

then you lose me again. Because Home Alone 3 has a 27% freshness. In the mind of America's, you can't trust critics apparently. No. Because in the mind of, of this plain X critics, Home Alone 3 was a better film than Home Alone 2. Like get bent seriously. I can explain too. I can explain Home Alone 2's 25% around there was 24%. Well, the math almost adds up, but that's actually based on only four reviews. One of them was Village Voice and they loved the dang picture. And the other three were by Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern and Greg Pesci, Joe's dad. And they hated how they hated the treatment of these two crooks. The only thing I can assume, Justin, is that the nation's critics desperately crave

child murder in movies. Oh, interesting. And they thought that Home Alone 2 promised what they did not receive in Home Alone 1. And maybe in Home Alone 3, which I have not seen, the kid dies. So it's slightly better. I don't know. I haven't seen it, cannot confirm. I actually just watched Ernest Saves Christmas for the first time in a long time. 96% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Believe it or not. Do you know what the main conceit of Ernest Saves Christmas is? Santa's going senile and has to pass the, he can't remember things anymore. He can't remember like all the kids and he can't remember what they asked for and he doesn't have the magic anymore. So he has to, and he waited, he says numerous times that he waited too long

to pass the mantle on to the next person. So he has to find someone to be Santa real quick before time runs out. Hey kids, how's your movie? How's your movie going? How's your movie, kids? He's getting real old, huh? Kind of like G-pa and G-ma are doing in real life. I was going to antagonize Travis by having Tim Curry say cheese pizza in the headphones. But I couldn't find the clip. So I searched YouTube, Tim Curry Cheese Pizza. And I'm very proud to announce that the first result is Tim Curry being unfamiliar with the concept of pizza. But the second and third are both my brother and my brother. Yeah, we did it. Should we- Cheese pizza. Cheese, fresh cheese, pizza. Can we do some questions, please?

Yes. Yes. You're loading up the clip now, Justin. God, I can hear the googling happen inside this podcast. I'm not loading up any clip. Okay, here's the first question. It's playing in my ears. Yeah, I know it is. Do you hear it? I don't hear it. Do you hear it? I don't hear anything. It's in my ears. I have a friend who carefully enraps gifts rather than tearing into them. When I ask- You've got to stop playing it. I know you're still doing it over and over again. Cheese, pizza, pizza. Why I ask- Okay, I'll actually start again. Thank you. I can't hear the question. Please stop it. It's still playing. Now it's stopped. Okay. Okay. This is poison. This is audio poison. No sponsors, baby. I have a friend who carefully

enraps gifts rather than tearing into them. Travis is texting now. No, I'm looking into the questions on my phone. When I asked why she did this, she told me it was so she could reuse the wrapping paper. I guess it's her present to do with what she likes, but I feel a little robbed of the joy of watching someone excitedly rip it up like a kid. Is there a way I can wrap things? She'll have no choice. And that's from gift misgiving. Let me first undo one file that you have there. It is not just her gift. You are right in the second part. The opening of it is a gift to you. Otherwise, you would just hand people unwrapped presents. Correct. Like the reveal is part of what you get for getting someone that moment when they go, oh, and if they're slowly revealing it,

like angels and demons, you know, Da Vinci code puzzle where they get one inch at a time. That's not fun for you. That's boring. You want to reveal unless they do like sexy burlesque music. Well, there's tassels on the blender. I don't know if there's anything that I find sad. I know a few people that do this. I don't know. There's much I find sadder than thinking of someone on like December 24th, nestled around the tree, just slowly thumbing through a sticky pile of just marking out the names on the sticky tags. Like trying to find now it's from me. That one's got a little tear. I guess back to the drawing board. I got some old chewing gum here. I can fix it with that. Counterpoint to this. If I got a present from somebody with some genuine

alf paper, I would lose my gourd. My gourd would fly off into the fireplace. It would be insane. Has anyone seen Gryffindor's Gourd? It's stuck with the second one. It is gone. He opened that dope alf wrapping paper from 1954 when he lost his mind. The original alf run. The original alf when he was just a racist comic character. It was sponsored by Colgate. I think Gryffindor's creator falls like hi. We're not talking about collectible wrapping paper here. It's not like, yeah, if my gift comes wrapped in the Magna Carta, I'm going to be delicate with it. That's not what we're talking about. We're talking about preserving wrapping paper. I guess if that's important to them, you should just stop wrapping it and say, you're just going to steal the paper

anyway. It's my paper and I decide what gets done with it. I'm not going to give you more to use so you can steal it from me. This is wild. We don't have this problem anymore. You guys won't have this problem with us because most of the gifts that Rachel and I got you all is from Amazon and they just do those weird bags. You're keeping those bags. They look so festive underneath the tree actually. They make it look like old timey and stuff and you can reuse them. They're great. Just give this person gifts and gift bags. That's inherently supposed to be reused, right? No, I don't want it because that takes a gift. Here's the process of opening up a wrapped paper gift and this is an important thing for us to dive into because it's like,

oh man, you put in some work getting this origami going, right? Tarot, tarot, tarot, unfold, tarot, rip, rip, rip, rip, rip. Good. Oh, wow. It's Jumanji. If you are on DVD, on Blu-ray. Oh, I thought you meant the game. Oh, okay. We're going to spiral into a torture game. It's a combo pack of the board game that had the weird red bubble on it that you had to slide the cards into and then it was like, just like the movie magic. It's not like the movie magic. It's just like a weird red pattern that gets decoded. There's no elephants coming out the board game, Kyle, but thank you for the gift anyway. So that's the process of opening a wrap gift. If it's in a gift bag, here's the process. Ah, cool, Jumanji. Like, it's the magic. Just

make it longer. Make the magic last longer and wrap the thing up. If you want the magic to last longer, then you should be totally gized with their unwrapping approach. Let me throw this at you. Wrap then another layer of wrap and then a third layer of wrap and when they unwrap at all, you got them wrapping paper. I got you a bundle, a year, a lifetime supply of wrapping paper. Yeah. That's good. That's good. I like this. Then you have it so they have no, oh, give them enough wrapping paper that the next year when they like try to start saving it, I'm like, no. You don't need anymore. No, yeah, flood them with wrapping, ruin them with wrapping paper. You don't want any more of this. If you did just continue to wrap levels of wrapping paper, it would really

put them to the test. Yeah. Like, hey, tough guy, you think you like to slowly meticulously unwrap? Let's see how long this holds out. Do you guys want a Yahoo? Yeah, please. Yahoo. You know that one? Yeah, nice. Pets.com. Here we go. It's sent by Morgan Davy. Keep it wavy, bud. It's from Yahoo Answers user Chaz Van Blom. I think we've read one of this users. Wow. That sounds familiar. You know what that means? We've officially, we can't use this platform anymore. So Chaz Van Blom asks, how should I prep as Santa Claus? I'm a returning Santa Claus to my local region. My next door neighbor has already asked me to show up to their family's Christmas party. I think Christmas Eve. You should definitely iron that out. Here he is. Chaz, it's like

December 28th. Well, you didn't nail it down. Bo, Bo, Bo. Did you say Bo, Bo, Bo? Hey, everybody. Happy Valmentine's Day. Okay, Chaz. It's March and you said Valmentine's. I'm the Good Friday Rabbit. What are you saying? I already have a semi Santa length beard starting. How should I prep myself this year? I had already showed up around my local region to random family's Christmas parties earlier years. That's breaking it into ring. Many of them already have me Santa Claus in their plans this year. Should I in any way change my appearance to enhance a Santa Claus look? By their plans is even like their defense strategy. We have to keep Chaz Santa out. I want to keep in vogue with any styles,

fashions that may change my accepted appearance. P.S. Donner has not been very good this year. I might have to place him behind Blitzen again. Those two have been up to something. Oopsie days, you just took a very strange turn, my friend. Oh no, you just like pivoted the sleigh. The sleigh went somewhere else. Okay, wait. First, step one. Yeah. Ton of crunches. Just you're going to do so many Santa crunches. We have already done sexy Santa. We can't talk about sexy ripped Santa. Well, no, this is different. What Travis is suggesting is like he still has that big bowl full of jelly belly, but also there's really defined abs on it. Can that happen? What? Poking through like an egg cart, like a beautiful egg cart in Santa belly.

What if you, oh, okay. You want to keep up with modern fashions, right? This is what I heard. Hipster Santa Claus. You're going to need to wax that here. No, I don't want that. Put some glitter in it. Put some like ornaments hanging in your beard, and maybe, I don't know, an ironic t-shirt. Now, the good one benefit there, his skinny fanny won't have any problems getting stuck or won't get stuck. Correct. It will have problems getting stuck because it won't get stuck. So the survival rate of this hipster Santa is definitely good, but I don't want this person approaching my children. Man, I can say stuff like that now. That's weird. I need help. I need help from Travis and I need help from Griffin. And you at home

can play along with this game. Okay. As a funny joke, I just did a Google image search for cool new Santa fashions, right? Okay. What I discovered, I'm going to send you this link and Travis, I'll just go ahead and show you this. What I found was the saint, like, oh, wow, hundreds of pictures of a super fashionable cool Santa, huh, that all happened to be the same man in different, who is, who is this cool Santa? This is a cool Santa. And in a lot of these pictures, he's wearing a cool red leather jacket, a lot of red plaids and scarves. He's from York, Yorkdale, I guess a mall in Toronto. And he's like so cool. He's very fashionable. First of all, this is a definitely the Travago guy. And there's nothing you can say to convince me otherwise.

It's definitely the mysterious Travago man. Fashion Santa is the handsomest person I've ever seen my whole life and everything has changed in this moment. Here's the thing. Most of what we picture of Santa Claus has been shaped by Pepsi, right? There are Coca-Cola, you know, it's all the trademark. No Pepsi Pepsi for me. Pepsi it is their silly bears. I think I was also Coca-Cola. I think Pepsi stayed out of the Christmas game for them. Yes. They're more of an Arbor Day company. But and so maybe it's time now that we reshape it is 2016. We let a new brand take over what Santa should look like, you know what I mean? Taco Yukiro, Taco Bell. Taco Santa.

Oh, I want to watch that so bad. Taco Sleigh Bell, he says on his magic ride across the world. How should I prep a Santa Claus? I think a fun thing you can do to like, if I was like a mall Santa, one thing I would do to prep, it wouldn't even necessarily be physical as much as it would be mental is I would memorize the names of every child on earth. Well, here's the thing. How sick would that be? It's like a little boy came and jumped up on my lap. I was like, what's up, Tony? And he's like, what? And I'm like, yeah, I memorized the names of every child on earth. But see, the nice thing, Griffin, is you only have to do that really for one kid. But you could tell that kid the names of all the kids on earth. But like, you just have you've learned

everything about Tony, you know, everything about Tony, just to chase that Travis. Every other child that jumps up on my lap, I'm like, Hey, Tony. And they're like, No, my name is Roger. And it's like, Oh, okay, get out. Go away. It's not going to work on you. Is it? Get out. Go ahead. It's ruined for you now. Go ahead. It's done with you. Oh, yeah. Get really good at doing like, Jonathan Edwards style cold reads on people and be like, I'm getting a T a T name. Is it Tony? It's Tony. All right. Now, Tony, I'm feeling you want you want something made with plastic. I'm it has wheels on it. Now, I'm seeing someone behind you, Timmy. He's an old man. And he's got, it looks like some sort of hard candy pee. Yeah, it might be up. I'm getting several

keys, a letter, a lot, three P's in one sort of names. He's got a hard candy. The little strawberries wrapped up. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess he left you a bunch of money. What do you want to say to him? What do you need him to hear right now? I want a talk and truck. Okay. I guess your spectral peep apps going to make that happen for you. You'll have some gross misunderstandings of how like the whole Christmas process breaks down. Oh my God, John Edwards, Psychic Santa is for free. That's yours. We need more Christmas specials. That's it. I realized this year that like the Christmas specials for the last like 10 years have all been like exclusively Hallmark channel specials. I want to date, I don't want to date with Santa, my special Christmas kiss.

We need more that's like Santa and John Edwards like solving crimes. I mean, dang, that could just be a whole nother podcast is we just take the titles of those films that Justin just said and we put our own twisted spin on it. Mike, what did you say my special Christmas kiss? That one I did invent, but that is probably not that far off. There's, I think 12 dates of Christmas is a real one. My special Christmas kiss. All right. So the pilot episode of the MacRoy Brothers Christmas special hour, a holiday special hour, we'll extend it. And so let's call, does anybody have the Skype contact info for Melissa Joan Hart? Because I think we need her now more than ever. I think her and Tom Kavanaugh are in all of them. Okay. Yeah. Tom and Kavanaugh,

we could get a little, we could definitely get a line on the man's, the man is in the game. He knows the score. He knows what we need. Yes. A Christmas visitor. A Carol Christmas. A boyfriend for Christmas. A boyfriend for Christmas. Hello. That's the next one for us. The Christmas card. A grandpa for Christmas. Well, okay. Hold on. Maybe the sequel. No, no, no. You can get a boyfriend for Christmas to get a grandpa. That's not how time works. A grandpa boyfriend for Christmas. The Christmas choir. Our first Christmas, the hit now, they're just like shooting the moon here. Dog named Christmas. Okay. So like, hi, Jeff Hallmark, president of Hallmark. I was wondering if I could pitch you a movie. Yeah,

sure. How many words are in the title? Four? No, get out of here. Gotta be three. And it's gotta have Christmas in it or else people get confused. Our viewers are so dumb. They're so dumb. It has to be word Christmas word or else it's not happening. Yeah. Here's some other hits. We've got the night before the night before Christmas. Oh, boy. Nice. Just kind of not great. Let's see here. Christmas in Canaan. November Christmas. Okay. Play a fast line. That's called Thanksgiving is what you've said. The town Christmas forgot. An old fashioned Christmas. Okay. And then in 2011, they just like flip the switches and pumped it into full. We're talking like three to two to three Christmas films per, per, per Hallmark production season. In 2011, they amped it up to 10 Christmas,

sorry, 11. Love's Christmas journey. Lucky Christmas. Cancel Christmas. A Christmas wedding tape. Cancel Christmas is actually what the executive said when all these were pitched and they're like, yeah, that's a good one. He's like, no, no, please. Stop the machine. No. A Christmas wish. Trading Christmas. A princess for Christmas. The Christmas pageant. Christmas comes home decayed in Christmas magic. This is now in Hallmark's defense. 2011 was the year where Mario Lopez was cryogenically unfrozen. So he and he was hungry. He was hungry to do his, his deeds. Yeah. So this production, this, this company needs to get it. This, this, this, these people need to get it together. I do want to watch a grandpa for Christmas though. Yeah.

I want to watch a princess for Christmas. A lot of films about just human beings being kind of given a bride for Christmas. Well, no, now hold on. This is, this is Jeremy. He's your Jeremy for Christmas. This is your Jeremy. He's your boyfriend now. I don't, I don't want to do, I don't want to be somebody's boyfriend too bad, Jeremy. You're this person's boyfriend now because you're, would you rather be their grandpa? Yeah, that actually sounds better. Okay. Step over into this movie, please. What's up? My name is mystery. Welcome to Speed Seduction. So you want a bride for Christmas? You're going to have to get on it. It is mid November. Also in the 2012 production season, uh, the Christmas heart come dance with me, aka the Christmas dance. Oh, okay.

Gotcha. That was scary for a second. Christmas with Holly, baby's first Christmas, aka the Christmas baby. A baby for Christmas. They're just going, 2013 Pete's Christmas. The sequel to Doug's Christmas. This is my Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on in, check it out. Let me show you where the magic happens. I've been working on this PA on these movies for a long time now and I said it's Pete's turn until they said, okay, so this is just sort of my special. Holy night. Snow bride, a very merry mixup. The Christmas ornament. Catch a Christmas star. Window wonderland. Fur crazy. Let it snow. The Christmas spirit. Santa switch. Hats off to Christmas. When did it just turn into like a Tommy's of Mayors? That's not real. Finding Christmas.

Christmas with Tucker. Okay, Tucker, please. Let's do another question, Tucker. We don't. No, I just got to 2014. This is the best year everybody agrees. One star at Christmas. The nine lives of Christmas. A cookie cutter Christmas. Wait, now hold on. They just kind of went for it in that time like we didn't come up with anything new for this one. We know what's up. That one was just a baby for Christmas, aka a Christmas baby. They just put a new name on it and saw if anybody would notice. The Christmas shepherd. Christmas under wraps. One Christmas Eve. Christmas at Cartwright's. Best Christmas party ever. The Christmas parade. Ice sculpture Christmas. Charming Christmas. I'm not ready for Christmas. Released in July 11th. Family for Christmas.

July 11th, 2015. That was an odd programming choice. A Christmas detour. A crown for Christmas. Angel of Christmas. Just in time for Christmas. On the 12th day of Christmas. A Christmas melody. The spirit of Christmas. Christmas land. Okay. Okay. That's it. That's it. We do not need it. We made it 2016's Christmas. No, I mean, it's the last year. You should do it. A wish for Christmas. Every Christmas has a story. Clearly. Christmas cookies. My Christmas dream. Christmas cookies. We're getting so granular now. Christmas panties. I'm going to read these last, literally, I mean, in 2016, there was like 20 of them. I want to read these last few, but I want everybody to remember that when I read,

in the one second, it takes me to read one of these names. It is representative of a full feature length film that people made with their hearts and hands. Minimum 30 day shooting schedule. Probably $3 million budget. Like every single one. It's Hollywood. Hollywood hotshot. Travis McElroy. Yeah. Broadcasting Christmas. A December bride. Kind of non-secular take there. Christmas in Homestead. Christmas list. A heavenly Christmas. Journey back to Christmas. We have to go back. A dream of Christmas. Looks like Christmas. Wait, it's just called. Looks like Christmas. Looks like Christmas. A nutcracker Christmas. Love you like Christmas. Okay, wait. Whoa.

And when my Christmas loves Sleigh bells ring and when calls the heart Christmas, which was just released, literally yesterday. When calls the heart Christmas. When calls the heart Christmas. Okay. Hey, we forgot a word in this tied up. Does that matter? Nah. How about another question? Because we've done one. Yeah. A few years ago, I was celebrating candle nights with my in-laws, and it was time to open up our stockings. So we were all chanting stocking, stocking, stocking, which naturally became star king, star king, star king. We decided this was going to be the new Christmas Lord. Candle nights. Candle nights, Lord. Candle nights, Lord. Right. Now instead of Santa,

we give out gifts from the star king. The problem is, I now have a son, and I'm worried that he'll end up in out gas because of our tradition. For perspective, I have a friend who had a real tough time in school because her parents told her the trash man came on November one to wear a Halloween candy and replaced it with a toy. Trash man. They could have come up with like a slightly more whimsical candy fairy. The candy boy. I'm the candy boy. Come away with me, whoppers. You're mine now. I'm going to suckle you on my way home. Here's an action toy. No, instead it's, hey, I'm everything candy. Hey, man, you gotta put the candy out by the curve. I'm not gonna walk back. I'm gonna walk in here. I'm not gonna walk back then. You gonna give it to hungry children

of the world? No, I'm not throwing it in the trash. No, I'm making it right now to come back here. It's gonna go in the trash. But where does it, where does it, where does it go? Where does any of the trash go? Into the river. All your twizzlers gonna end up in the river because that's where the trash man hides. For the fishies. For the fishies. Here's a Polly Pocket. And a Mad Merrick's toy for you. I did this away from another kid at the end of last Christmas season. It's a real sick little gig I got anyway. Something you should know somebody done through away. This Polly Pocket is a circle of life. Am I good? Or should I try to give my son a more mainstream candlelight? That's from Star Kings Humble Servant. I mean, you've already adopted

our weird holiday. So like your kid's gonna be unconventional with his holiday traditions. But the good news is this, in this modern age, the problem with the Halloween thing is everybody knows what Halloween is. So you can't just introduce like the trash man comes. Everyone's like, no, he doesn't. No, that's not. We also do Halloween. But when you say we like the Star Lord brings, the Star King brings presents on candlelight, any teacher is gonna go, okay, there is not going to question this stuff. They don't know. There is something interesting about like, because people are usually fairly insular on Christmas day, there is a certain intimacy or like secrecy with like, what is your like, that's a common question like,

so what is your what do you guys do because it's like so it's not like it hasn't been sort of the edges of it have not been sanded off through like socialization, like everybody's just doing whatever weird thing they've always done for Christmas. But there is a limit to that though, juicer, because it can't, what do you do on Christmas? Well, my family, we open our stuff on Christmas Eve and it's really great. What do you do? Well, the Star King descends from the cosmos. Here's what you got to do Griffin, you need to give Star King a leg up over Santa. So when your kid is talking to other kids, and your kid's like, yeah, Star King comes like, Star King doesn't come, Santa comes and brings presents. And he's like, Oh, Star King comes and brings presents and gives

me $100 bill every year. And kids like, Oh, dang, Star King, Star King sounds way better. Also every year the Star King kills and eats Santa Claus. And there has to be a new Santa Claus each year. Have you seen the Santa Claus movie? You don't remember at the end of the first one when Tim Allen is killed and devoured by the Star King. And they have to do, Santa and the Star King have to do battle every single Christmas Eve. And our fate is decided by their struggle. Star King always wins. He's the king of the stars. What do you want me to say? What do you want? I don't know what to tell you. I feel like we're at a crossroads right now, boyos, because we're having a lot of fun here. But I do not want to send this, this, the small child into school armed with our, our japes.

I do not want him going around be like, so what'd you guys get from the Star King? Oh, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch. What is, hmm, you got to cloak it. Yeah, that's what that's what that's the crossroads is candlelight's going to become the next big thing. Or is it a super dope secret holiday society? This is the decision point we are standing at it now, because if it's the next big thing, we need to get out the good word is Star King right now. If not, then wait, we didn't come up with Star King. So he's canonical, definitely. I'm on board. Yeah, I'm on board. So the Star King is canonical. Yes, but I don't want to make him the main focus. He is in there. He's in the mix. No, no, no, no, no Kings. No Kings, except for the man, except for the Star King, who is the king

of stars. But I hear, okay, maybe tell your son, tell your child, like the Star King comes for you. Everyone else has been bad at like, no one else in your school has deserved the love of the Star King. And so like, you can't tell them or you will be shunned because you are the chosen Santa Claus is for second rate kids. Star King is for closers. Star King is the one that comes for the real good kids. You've reached our platinum level status, child. The Santa Claus is a participation medal and you are getting the Oscar for best kid. Star King only comes to one kid a year and it's you, but you can't tell the others or you'll be purged. I had to pay a lot of money for this. Don't go run in your mouth about it. I don't want your friends to think we're Gigi.

A lot of star money printed from the plasma of those hot, hot babies. Do you guys want a yahoo? Yeah, yeah, I do. This one's standing by level 9,000, yahoo, drew, drew, drew, drew. Thank you, drew. It's yahoo answers user. They are anonymous. The Star King asks, why does Santa Claus, spelled with an E, that movie has just poisoned this thing? Yeah, it's miserable. Why does Santa Claus allow Rudolph to get bullied by the other reindeer? Santa has a duty to keep all his reindeer safe. Let's talk, let's talk about, oh, okay. Well, okay, here's what that meant because I just rewatched this and I realized the misconception is that there are only eight reindeer and Rudolph. Santa only wants the best.

There's a whole thing about them trying out and he's like, maybe you'll be good enough. Santa is very withholding of his love to all the reindeers. This holiday special is taking a fun iron rand turn. It's true though because they're all out there competing. There's a coach who's judging their performance and if, maybe if they're good enough, they'll make it up to the big show. No, they don't though. This is what kills me about the Rudolph show. They're all training these like new reindeer and they're like, I hope I make it on Santa's team. You won't. Santa has eight and he always has those same eight and your dad, by the way, Rudolph knows this. Yeah. This is not new information to him. Every year, a crop of young comers tries to make a run at the throne

and they get beat back down by the original eight as it always shall be. Now, what's Rudolph gets his place on there and kind of upsets the cemetery a little bit. Like he's on there for good, but like, why are we putting lies in the head of these little reindeer? They're like, I want to make the squat. You're not. You're not. You're not. You need five years of experience just to be considered. But how do I get these there? Let's set aside that cruel arithmetic though and talk about there is a part where Rudolph gets a smoocheroo and is flying through the sky, flying beautifully. Most beautiful flight you've ever seen. And Santa's like, oh, sick. And then he's like sick. That was some dope like Air Force stuff. Like I'm losing my mind. That was so great.

Way to go. You're like a blue angel. Yeah. So and then he lands and his dumb nose cap falls off and he's got that red nose and then Santa Claus is like, Santa Claus is like, your face is all your what's with your jacked up face? No way. Get up. What's with your ugly nose? Get out of your ugly nose. Yeah. You fly super good, but you've got a weird ugly nose and I just can't hang with that. But why are we surprised by this Griffin? Because the whole Santa Claus thing is like you got to earn his love. Like Santa Claus is not like is not the most forgiving. He's not like I love you even when you do bad stuff. If you do bad stuff, you're off the list. I watched the special Twas the night before Christmas with the mice and the clock and the singing

and like this one kid writes a letter like we don't believe in Santa Claus and Santa Claus is like, all right, well, your town's dead to me now and returns all of their letters with Mark's like returned from you know, like recipient addressee return and everyone in town is like, oh, cool. Well, I guess we burned Santa. He burned us right back. Yeah. And all of those people are out. Like you only get one with Santa. Santa does not forgive and forget. And that's the that's a good thing about Starking. He's only going to visit one child. That's love. That's an unwavering love. Yeah, that's true. Once you're in with Starking, you're in. Man, kill nice rules. Christmas is over. Yeah, Christmas is yesterday. We don't are. Starking wouldn't play favorites with reindeer.

No, I feel like he would kill all of them. I feel like this has been a very Christmas holiday special. But I really just think it is just a really thorough evaluation of this being called Christmas. And I think we got to put it to I think we put it I think it's time to put it to bed and let the Starking rain. We actually, when we were filming the show, we got to hang out with some pagans and talk to him because we were looking for like, all their holidays to incorporate into candlelight. It's not just like, you know, the super mainstream ones. And we learned all about you and stuff and like what you do at you is you talk about awesome stuff and you eat a bunch of food and you dance and you drink and you just hang out and you have a good time. And somehow

that got knocked out for Christmas. That's horse apples. I want to reincorporate more of you into candlelight. I want you a Brenner to be Santa kind of a cool Santa's out. Santa's out. Starking. No, okay, hold on. Wait, we should. I don't want to be exclusive. I don't want to actually wage a war on Christmas. Santa can stay but only sexy Toronto fashion Santa. He's the only one now. And if you want presents, you need to get to Toronto. I would also I would like Starking to be your Brenner, but you'll Brenner from from Cool Runnings. No, Brenner was not in Cool Runnings. The name of the character is Yule Brenner. Get bent. I'm not making that up. No, it's true. I mean, if it's going to be the Starking,

then we're talking about wait, was he in Blade Runner? I don't know anything. Yule Brenner? I don't I just don't know anything about anything. Yeah, fashion Santa is the only Santa that we recognize here in Candle Nights. And I think he's sort of like a he doesn't have a position of authority. He feels like a number two, like an emissary. I would take emissary. He can't make the decisions, but he can definitely hand them down. Like if Starking is like the Michael Eisner CEO, fashion Santa is like the Frank Wells president, sort of person that makes a reference. Everyone can understand not just Justin, who's been reading a book about the inner workings of Disney. The person that makes the trains run, you know,

that's that's fashion Santa. Fashion Santa is the up I works to Starkings Walt Disney. Do you guys think Yule Brenner and Rutger Hauer do like all kinds of like fun parent traps, sort of like switcheroo's where they just switch lives and everybody's like Rutger and Yule's like, Yes. And they're like, Oh, okay. Your names, your names, your name. Hey, you've got a weird name, right? Yes, I do. That one's not even a lot. I was going to ask it's not that they look alike is that their names are confusingly weird to you. Listen, and also it's another fun, another fun fact is one is dead and one is alive. So you'll never guess which now that makes things easier on the living one

because he's sort of a daywalker. Now he can switch between roles and it's not even a big thing. So we are we done? I think I think we're getting I think we're getting pretty close. I don't I don't have any more good Yahoo's unless we have like another tight question to bounce into real quick. Trab, is there any that you would especially like to? Yes, I do. Can I read it? So I don't have to communicate it across the table to you. Yeah, I bought some presents for my friend's kids this candlelight. Her younger one is nine months old and I found these awesome stuffed dragons that make noise. The only problem, they're technically dog toys again, this again, this again, huh? I already gave them to her, but didn't mention the dog toy part. Honestly, I think the more

annoying toy is the foam white table I got her eight year old. Am I good? That's from Guilty Gifter. Is 2017 just going to be the year where we all realize that the things that are good for humans are also things that are good for dogs and vice versa. And we are just like an island of Dr. Moreau style just finally merged the flesh becomes further fur becomes flesh. And we all just start yiffing each other's brains out 2017. Welcome to you. Welcome to the yiffing year. It's time to begin. I think it is hysterical. If you think about humans, they're supposed to be the more advanced species. Dogs do not make this distinction, have not, will not, ever. They, you give them something for them and they're like, cool, something for me. Here's other things for me. Everything in your

home is a dog thing. They're not, they're not drawing those lines. No. And also, I've seen my dog that tend to eat stuff that will quite literally kill her. And like you would think that the animal, like I can look at poison and be like, no, no, no arsenic for me. Thank you. But my dog sees grapes and she's like, well, why the heck not? No, well, I do want to say Travis, the reverse of that would be you see beggin strips and you think, hmm, for me, that would actually kill you. That would, those would, that would definitely kill you. Those are made out of. I don't think, wait, hold on girl, I don't think beggin strips would kill me. Yeah, they're made out of red, smoky human poison. They are not good. They are not good for Trav Tommy. Trav, that's important. This is now a PSA

for you, my boy. Don't eat a beggin strip, my boy. Don't eat one of those popping things that shoot out of the little rubber pig nose thing that looks like a lot of fun to catch like Cheetos in. But if it's one of the meatballs, then you'll die. There are actually a lot of snacks. Now that I've owned a dog with a slightly sensitive tummy, there are many dog snacks made for dogs that like everybody just kind of accepts like, yeah, give this to your dog. They're definitely gonna like, puke it up. That's, but, but like, what are you going to do? It's like, wait, hold on. No, it's not good. Have we all just accepted that like 50% of dog treats are like, oh no, you give your kid, your dog is Poveroni, you are going to diarrhea station. Have fun. Your dog loves it.

I think you can give the child these and I don't think it's a good thing. Obviously. Unless it, well, a tennis ball is a toy for everyone. A tennis ball is a toy for everyone. Unless. Unless. That sound, that sound that the dragons make, they make noise. Is that noise? Because that's, that's a dog toy. That's a dog toy. That's for dogs. Or is it like, thank you for biting me, Gerald, the dog. Let me read you a story.

Well, I don't know why that dog would get anything out of that. No, it's like for the kid. You know, like that's what kids toys do. They read them stories. This is an excellent point, because if that kid like grows up and that becomes their favorite toy, like you can't get that toy away from that kid and they're like three years old and they take their favorite dragon to the, to like the park, to the playground and they squeeze that and every single parent at the park goes, it's a dog toy. That is a dog toy. That's a toy for dogs. It's a dog toy. Do you know that? You know that, right? Like, do you know that's a dog toy? I say whatever makes your little one happy. It's not your little one.

Shoot. Teddy Rexman is back, by the way. Speaking of toys that tell stories, Teddy Rexman is going to be the hot toy in 2017. I'm calling it right now. Is it fashion Teddy Rexman? No, it's regular. Well, I mean, he looks good. He's kept in shape. He's captured. He's taking care of himself. I'm calling it right now just so you can get out in front of it. It's going to be the hot toy of 2017. Okay. Coming in, in like the summer, I think, so by deep and by hard. Teddy Rexman. Gross. And I'm so glad that everybody got out to see Trolls this year. I'm so glad that I saw all my friends at the theater and it was like, you're seeing Trolls today too? And I was like, yeah,

wouldn't miss it. And so did you go see Trolls? Trolls, baby. It's pretty good. I know. I've heard it's very good. I'm never going to go see another movie again, unfortunately. Had plans to see Rogue One. It was going to be my one little sneak away mission, my one little Metal Gear Solid Snake sneak away mission away from away from the home just to see the Rogue One real quick and then back forever. But everybody in the house got diarrhea all at the same time. So sorry, sorry, George Lucas. I'm going to have to see your wonderful table at a later date. George Lucas is going to have to hear about the Death Star and Darth Vader and all his fun all his fun adventures on a later date. Maybe I'll catch it direct to DVD. Thank you, George.

But no, it was Darth later. Darth later. Sorry, the Death Star hit everyone in my house's tummies and gave all three of us diarrhea. With their diarrhea beam. We got hit by the diarrhea beam from the Death Star and the baby's very small, but made just as much if not more diarrhea than me. And I'm not sure how that's possible. Great. Thank you, George Lucas. But tomorrow. And I forget what I was talking about. Please don't spoil Rogue One for me. Please just don't spoil Rogue One. OK, that's going to do it for us. I want to say this is a fun thing. We are there's going to be a little, a little holiday sneak peek. And I do mean very little, but a little tease or a TV show. It's going to be a it's not going to be I want to

temper it because it's I want to temper it. But it's funny. There's just a little bit of foot here's the first the first released footage from our television program will appear today. There will be because we're there will be a beefier boy coming out soon with more stuff. This is just an amused boot. I don't want you to get excited, but it's just a dumbled thing. You can find it on Twitter or Twitter.com slash csoTV or twitter.com slash mb mb am we will we will be putting it there as well. So it'll be up this afternoon. It's just a little thing. It's like a really it's a little fun. It's just fun and flirty and it's not a it's not any big deal. We need to convene at some point boys and decide

because this is our last episode of this rotten garbage year. And I think we need to get together and really figure out how we can help the 2017 effort because they're going to need us now more than ever. And we need a good name for it. 2017 I'm leaning towards just like but it also has the connotations of you know we're all going to die. And I'm not so sure about that. Twenty given teen is that too much of a stretch. Yeah. It doesn't work. Twenty eleven teen just get into bread. Orange and Joseph Gordon love it. Twenty eleven teen. Twenty eleven teen is good. Just kind of just anyway we'll figure it out. We'll we'll piece it together. We won't. We'll forget and then we'll have to do it. Twenty brevetine where we all learn about like wit.

OK. That is actually the end of the program. Right. Yeah. It is right. We want to say thank you to John Rodgers and Lon Winters for these theme song. It's a departure off the album in the days to bed. Hope you found that in your stockings here. I do. I do. Sorry. What were you going to say Travis. I was going to say go check out all the other amazing shows on maximumfun.org. I want to say it has been a pretty stinky stinky year. Lost George Michael yesterday. Thank you. Excellent. Great. Just want to get in. Just want to get one last one. Not on Christmas though. On Christmas. Excellent. Great. Cool and great and cool. It's been a rough one. We've gotten a lot of especially in the last like month or so like

messages from people saying that the podcast and the other stuff we do has helped bring some just according levity to the stink year. And I just want to say like because we've got a lot of those messages like I want to say that you all have also helped us get through this stink year. And thank you all very, very much. And we won't be. We won't. We will not be stopped. We're going to come at you hard in 2017. We're going to just we're going to flood you with this stuff. And yeah thank you all for being there for us. And we'll see you. Have a happy new year and happy remainder of your holidays. And safe new year. And a safe new year. Yeah. We'll check you out later. Here's a final yahoo. Final holiday yahoo. Camel and I say yahoo. Sent by Nicholas

Potter. Thank you Nicholas Potter. It's yahoo answers user sasa sasa. Who says if I send a spear into space and it pierces the sun will the sun explode. Happy candle lights. My name is Justin McRoy. Happy candle lights. I'm Travis McRoy. Happy candle lights. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother and my brother. May kiss your dad square on the lips. Following the news is hard and it sucks. How do you know which stories are important? Which sources do you trust in this post truth world of reactionary journalism? I'm Brett Black. And I'm Travis McRoy. And we host a podcast called Trends Like These. We cover trending news stories. We debunk misleading clickbait headlines. And we always

try to throw in a little bit of good news. In our quest for truth. So join us every week on maxfunfun.org or wherever podcasts are found. Jumpstart your creativity at Max Funcon 2017. Surround yourself with beautiful nature, brilliant artists, hilarious comedians, and of course some of your favorite Max Fun podcasts. Whether you join us in Lake Arrowhead in June for Max Funcon or in the Poconos in September for Max Funcon East, you'll leave inspired and with a bunch of new friends. Maxfuncon.com has all of the details. Buy your tickets before they're gone.