My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 339: Scatman Zozo

Episode Date: January 24, 2017

Bust out the homemade Ouija and join us for a journey into the supernatural realms that slumber beneath our own. We're gonna talk to a magic dog that keeps reincarnating as different would-be Dennis Quaid assassins. Then we're gonna name FIVE WHOLE SONS. FIVE OF 'EM. Suggested talking points: A Dog's Purpose Watch, Shower Milk, A Genuine Ouija, Workplace Departure, A Solid Oak Frash, Hack the World, John Hancock

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother, and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm your sweet baby brother in 30 on 30 Media Illuminator from McElroy. January 27th has been marked on my calendar since last January 27th.

Oh, I've got goose pimples. I'm so excited about a dog's purpose. Just bristling with goose flesh over here, so excited for a dog's purpose that comes out on January 27th in theaters near you. I'm really excited about it. I think it's going to be a huge picture. There have been multiple reports of abuses to dogs during filming, and I think the film is going to be a real heartwarming picture for families to enjoy together. I'm just glad that the movie goes out of its way to prove that a dog's purpose is to entertain us. Yes, and then die, but then be a different dog later. What the cost? My favorite part of the trailer is when the beagle

dies and then is a golden retriever, which then dies in an airplane crash, and then all of a sudden it's a beagle again. I love you a dog's purpose. It's a dog's purpose. When they were making it, they were like, what's everybody's favorite part of Marley and me, the end of it. So what if I just made a movie that was all the end of Marley and me, just over and over again forever. The dogs die over and over again. But then you get a new dog. It would think at some point this dog would be like, okay, so reincarnation is real, but I am just a dog over. Like what do I have to do here to get out of this cycle? I'm just a dog over and over again. Different breeds, of course, but I mean, I don't want to be a whip it. I want

to be a chocolate lab. So let's go talk to that bus poof. Thank you. I haven't seen it, but do you think the movie ends and in the final incarnation, the dog wakes up and they are finally a human? No, I think that I think the final incarnation is he wakes up and he's half dog, half man. He's like, well, it's a start. Maybe they go full action hero. And then some bad ass guy, Richie, in credits. There we go. We could also have a bicentennial man situation where he does become a human and he does marry his master, the woman who owned him the whole time and then they fall in love. Listen, I really want to marry you, but I am a dog now, but I have a very good feeling

about this one. So if you could throw me into that wood chipper and just let me try one more again, I think that I will come back as a human. Oh man, I'm a Yorkie. You're pitching like a Marley and me groundhog steak crossover. Right. Exactly. He did. He does some good shit for like an afternoon. He's like, well, time to beef it. Let's see if I could be a human this time. A lot of people forget it was a book first. Yeah. A dog's purpose was a 2010 novel written by American humorist W. Bruce Cameron, who I'm sure you all remember from Eight Simple Rules for dating my teenage daughter, which was a series that was also adapted into... Please tell us. Please tell us more about Eight Simple Rules for dating my teenage daughter. Eight Simple Rules for dating my teenage

daughter was adapted into a TV series that, of course, killed John Redder, is the most notable. Oh, Justin. It did. I mean, it did. What do you want from me? That's the show that killed John Redder. So Bruce has had a good run, and now he's back with just killing dogs over and over again. Not dogs. The same dog. The same dog. And Dennis quades in the movie, and at the end of it, he dies and he becomes five birds. I think I had the same reaction. A lot of people did the first time they saw the trailer that my wife showed it to me, just like losing it. Like couldn't do anything to hold the phone aloft for me to view. I thought for sure it was a Christian movie. Like it had to be a Christian movie. This is a Christian movie about... That endorses dog reincarnation.

Yeah, we're like Jesus. He helps Jesus or tells somebody about Jesus or helps him find Jesus or something. Why is there only one set of paw prints? Exactly. That's where I did fun dog tricks for your entertainment. But then I saw Dennis Quaid and I was like, Denny, are you doing okay? Denny, are you in the film? For the first, until Denny's reveal in the movie, in the trailer. Yeah. You could have very easily convinced me that we were looking like an animal planet, original movie. Sure. That they were getting into the movie business. But then he was like... He calls his agent. He's like, listen, it's Denny. Just finished up that script for a dog's purpose. He sent over that hot one. Hey, Denny, Denny Q, got the script. Denny Q got the script, did absorb the... Listen, five

stars. This script only needs one thing. And I think this film will flop unless you make one big change. And they're like, what? And he said, you're going to need some vitamin D. And that's for you're also going to need to kill three times more dogs. There's only eight dogs that die at it. You know, I haven't seen the movie yet. But as I understand it, it's about a dog that keeps dying and coming back as other dogs that keeps finding Dennis Quaid. And I have to try to kill him. I hope there's a scene in the movie where like Dennis Quaid lives in Connecticut or whatever, and then the dog, you know, falls in the lake. And then it comes back and it's a chocolate lab. But oh, damn it. I'm in... I'm in Wales. Well, fuck, I got to get all the way back. Damn it.

And he finally gets back to Connecticut after like a year of getting there. He's like, hey, what's up? And then a tree falls on him and he's like born in Madagascar. And he's like, why is this so much travel? You know, once you get stateside, he's being like super cautious. Every street. No, no, no, I'll wait for the light. I know I'm a dog, but I'm going to go ahead and wait for the light. Griffin, I actually saw a press screener of the movie. And the fucked up thing is the dog actually keeps being reborn in like the same town that Dennis Quaid was originally in. And Dennis Quaid keeps moving. Dennis Quaid keeps trying to get away from this fucking dog and the dog keeps finding him every time. And that's the dog's purpose. I'm going to teach English in

Shanghai. Ah, damn it. How am I supposed to? I'm a dog. DQ. Hey, DQ. DQ. DQ. Help me. DQ. Why you do this? Why do you do this to me, DQ? The thing they don't tell you is that Dennis Quaid kills the dog every time. And the dog is just trying to like, he knows he's got a serial killer on his hands and he's trying to reveal the crime. And every time he gets close, Dennis Quaid's like, not this time. Well, just like, well, just put it in a well. Yeah. He starts it out so it won't reincarnate as fast. It gives him time to get away. God. It's a dark movie, Griffin. I don't know what to tell you. It's the lovely, it's the lovely Bones, which would also work as a title for a dog-based movie. The milky bones. The tasty bones, the begging strips.

DQ. Boy, a dog's purpose out January 27th. I'm so excited to see it and see if all the fan theories are true. I've been playing along with the ARG online and we're all having a lot of fun here at the purpose, we call ourselves the Purpose Heads and we're just so fucking excited for this movie. DQ. A dog's purpose is it's buck wild. DQ. Very important to me. DQ. It's very important. I did want to release a, and again, some pretty brutal animal abuse allegations that are in no way funny, but it is a dog's purpose is the name of the film. So if you want to avoid it or watch it, I feel like a watch doesn't always have to be positive. Sometimes it's sort of like, I got my eye on you. You know what I mean? Yeah. How do you think DQ is feeling right now after

these dog abuse allegations have started popping off because holy shit. I read some of the responses from people involved like Josh Gad is the voice of the dog. Josh Gad's fully like, don't know when they're the director of the movie is like, don't know. When on set that day, wouldn't have happened if I had been there. Hachimachi. I'm sure DQ felt the same way. He's like, no, I was getting some crafty and just enjoying myself and trying to center myself for the performance. They had tortillas super great crafty. And so I was mostly hanging around that sort of station. I was talking to my brother. If you need to check that out by you can call him. Oh, what's that? You can't get ahold of him. Weird. Weird. That's so weird. I wanted to throw

in a quick side watch. Trolls. The film is coming to it'll be on like on demand stuff. I think this week, January 24th tomorrow, Apple TV. I know it's going to be there. Blue Ray, I think is the following week. I'm very, very excited, very excited because it'll finally be the end of my daughter wanting to watch the Trolls movie and it not being available. And so watching the most batshit content on YouTube is fucking so crazy right now. I don't know if you guys got it. If you search for like Trolls toys, which is normally what we end up going with. Yeah. There's like short films about, I know I've talked about weird YouTube before, but like kids weird, like there was one where the Trolls toys had all their heads pulled off

and then their heads were hidden underneath other toys that had to be opened by this giant pair of hands on screen and then the heads had to be reconnected. And then there was another one where Branch and Poppy got married and then Poppy got pregnant and it was just like a short film about that for kids. It's pretty wild out there on YouTube, y'all. If you haven't been out there, but that my hell will come to an end where I can finally just enjoy the film. I saw two times in the theaters, but now I'm finally going to be able to just enjoy the story of Branch and him finding joy in his heart again on Apple TV when I purchased that film tomorrow, January 24th. And then you're just three days away from a dog's purpose coming out. So how's your cinematic week?

It's gonna be a very good cinematic week. A Star Wars guy, Star Wars just now while we're recording this just announced the name of the new movie. It's Star Wars Episode 8, The Last Jedi, which I very much doubt that. There will probably be a few more of those. Those magic space warriors. Is it really called that? Is that a joke? The Last Jedi. I'm the Last Jedi. Really? Because there's two of you. No, it's the movie ended and there were two of you. No, but I'm the Last One. I don't believe that one. I don't believe it. I don't believe it. Number nine is gonna be like, just kidding. Here's six more Jedi's. Man, it's so rare we get to do breaking news on the program. Oh, it's so nice to be able to bust out some entertainment news. Travis, you've gone silent

for a while. You just sort of contemplating, what, Troll's Dog's Purpose, Star Wars 8? There's so many different things you could be thinking about right now. Well, I'll tell you the truth. While Justin was describing his weird YouTube wormhole, my brain broke a little bit and I thought like I must have dropped out of the call or something because I just I couldn't understand the words he was saying. Yeah. Yeah, it's if you Google Troll's toys and then hold on for the ride of your life. And it's all toy videos on YouTube are absolutely madness. Yeah. There's a video called Branch and Poppy Kiss. Oh, a lot of people are waiting for that. With real people as the trolls. It's nine minutes. It's nine minutes long. Oh, it's just a really

long smooch then. What could be happening for nine minutes in this film? How much story development is happening in here? You know what? Here, just for a second. Just for a second. This isn't going to be good for anybody, Juice. I just dropped in the Skype chat. Just for a second. If you guys could just like this is actually a lot. It's a lot to deal with if you Google Troll's Poppy and Branch Kiss. So right now, I'm looking at a man and he's doing Green Face and he's got some Goku hair and it's just a lot of well, a lot of build up to the kiss. I'm kind of hopping around kind of scrublin' through this video. This shit has four million over. That's the worst thing we're done. We're done with. It's time for Johnny. We got to stop. We got to do questions. We got to

do advice. We got to get, we got to do questions. What is that? Nobody can see this. It's probably a Bergen. The Bergens eat the trolls to be happy. So listen. It's pretty crazy out there on YouTube right now. People are putting lots of videos up on YouTube right now. I was on it the other day and I watched the first season of Bug Juice is all on there. So get at me. And you can also watch Branch and Poppy, French Kiss for 38 minutes. It's been 15 minutes. We got to do the damn thing. Brothers, I have recently learned a terrifying truth. I've been in this relationship for about too much. Too much indeed. And I just found out that my girlfriend sometimes drinks milk in the shower. Okay. Okay. Okay. At first I was slightly apprehensive, but I assumed it was out of a personal

bottle or something. Then I learned that was in fact out of an open glass with no lid. She insists this is perfectly acceptable, but it's utterly horrifying concept to me. Am I good? That's from not a milk drinker in Massachusetts. Okay. How busy are you, huh? Yeah. I have so many things on my to-do list. I have to combine some of them. Yeah. I have to drink some milk and take a shower. Of all the activities to combine, that is by far the least convenient. So this with the, okay, the personal bottle is like weird to me. I guess you mean a personal bottle of milk, not like a baba. Okay. That makes sense. Sorry guys. Or just like your, you know, aluminum special bottle that like you refill with milk for the shower times. Yeah. The thought of drinking milk and then a little bit

of water getting in there is no good. I don't like that even a little bit. I don't like the thought of drinking milk because I'm pretty lactose intolerant. And then I would be drinking milk on the toilet and then that's a never-ending cycle. I would be in the bathroom all day just dealing with all these milk problems that I've given myself. But the thought of drinking a big glass of milk and then you turn around weird and then like a little bit of hot water gets in the milk, bad. Now that is how they make skin milk. They just add hot water to milk. Yeah. They add hot shower water. Hot shower water and a little bit of head and shoulders, a little bit of Irish spring in there. I don't think you should do that. I don't think that that should be done in society that

we're in now because I just don't understand. But you know, I would like to zag for a second. Okay, zag on them. If this is what your girlfriend does to just like chill, if this is like her me time is a little shower milk, it ain't hurting nobody. This isn't taking anything away from you. This might like her, you know, frosty glass of shower milk might be the only time she gets in her day to really just like treat herself to some shower milk. You know what I do? You know what I do? I would drink some of that shower milk, so that frosty shower milk just to get the buzz going. And then when I was sick of drinking the milk or when my stomach started hurting immediately, as soon as it crossed the threshold of my diaphragms and stuff, all my flanges and stuff,

as soon as it crosses that and it hits my stomach lining and my guts go all rotten, as soon as I was done drinking it, I would just dump it on myself and get that baby soft milk skin. And maybe that's, maybe that's, you know, you drink it and it's you drink it down the halfway and you're like, I'm sick. And then you dump it on your body and you get that baby soft milk skin. Yeah. Is she just looking to extend the shower maybe? Just like she really loves shower time, but she, okay, okay, wait, this has just occurred to me. You need your hands in there. Listen, you need your hands in there. You can't have one hand constantly on milk duty. How do you, how do you squeeze the, the Irish spring into the luffa

if you have one hand holding your milk? I mean, maybe you got a cup holder in there. Maybe it's a custom job. Oh, kind of a custom. Ooh, nice. You know what? That is a good gift, though. Good gift idea, a shower cup holder. If you can find one of those on Amazon or something next, next, that's, that's, that's a good gift because it doesn't just say, here's a cup for your shower milk. Right. It also says like, I, I accept you. You know what I mean? Like I, I, I accept you. I have a yahoo here. Can I read it? And whoa, yahoo, give me a banner advertisement for Shondaland. Hello. It's a real thing. Guys, yahoo's advertising a thing that I could go and watch and consume. It's not telling me about Melissa McCarthy

or Ellen DeGeneres's recent death. Things are turning, things are turning around. Very exciting. Okay. Uh, this one was sent by Morgan Davy. Keep it wavy, Morgan Davy. Thank you. Now it's rooms to go. God, they're, Altaba's really taken off. Maybe I should give Altaba a chance. It's by yahoo answers user. They're anonymous. Jefferson asks, help how to properly get rid of a Ouija board. Ouija? Ouija, a lot of people say Ouija and that doesn't, it's not, it can't be, right? It's- Ouija. Ouija. I have had nothing but bad luck with this paper, paper board I printed. And I'm tired of it. I just want to move on and not think about the paranormal anymore. It's been telling me to kill by someone named Zozo. I've been lied to by something named Kelly

or Nancy. That's a bad board, you guys, dude. Kill by someone named Zozo or I've been lied to by someone named Kelly or Nancy. How to properly get rid of this thing? I want it out of my life. Oh, and please don't tell me that Ouija boards are fake because I had it turn off the light in my house. So don't say it's fake because it's real. Whoa, what? If you think, hey, hey, if you think it's fake because you haven't tried it using it hard enough or you're just too wussy to try it, so tell me how to get rid of this thing. So important. Is your Elijah board hooked up to your Echo diet? Yeah. Your Elijah board has smart home technology inside of it. It's the internet of Ouija. Finally a smart board because it's 2017. Your Ouija board should be smart. Listen,

can we drill down on one question? I've been lied to by what? Kelly or Nancy. Kelly or Nancy. Exactly. It's telling me to kill by someone named Zozo, so. Zozo's, okay, I get that. Yeah. When you use, think about the practicalities of using a Ouija board, okay? Why do you think there are, like, I don't understand how you're differentiating between two entities named Kelly or Nancy? Like, why would you think that's the same person that's just maybe going by Kelly or maybe going by Nancy? I'll tell you the problem here, Justin. The question asker assumes that they have a faulty board when I think they have a faulty ghost and you're like, hey, ghost, who killed you? And the ghost is like, I don't know. Kelly, Nancy, who can you tell? Maybe all the spirit said is

it's a woman's name and it ends in a Y. It says K-E-L-L-Y. Kelly, wait, N-A-H, hold up. Okay. Maybe the name is like Mary Sue, but it's Kelly Nancy. My name is Kelly Nancy and I want you to kill people. Now, Yahoo! Instructor's user Dr. N.G. says, since it's a paper Ouija, it's not a genuine Hasbro Ouija. It is worthless. It wasn't made by the Hasbro Witches. The Hasbro Necromancers. Had you not been a cheapo and bought yourself a proper G-H-O at any fine toy store, no fucking clue what that means, you could have donated it. Genuine Hasbro Ouija. Jesus. Probably. Yeah. You could have donated it to Goodwill. As a game, it's good for a $2 tax deduction if you itemize your taxes. Now, listen, Kevin, taxes all look good. I do want to

ask you about this one charitable donation of a, it says here a Ouija board, $2 donation of a Ouija board. Is that correct? It was a G-H-O, Tom. It was a G-H-O. I don't know what to tell you. It was a genuine article, babe. Oh, Jesus. That's definitely this person's concern. How do I get rid of my printed paper Ouija board while also saving myself some scratch? Excuse me, gentlemen, I, by Googling G-H-O Ouija board, have stumbled on an article called Warning Signs of Zozo, the Ouija board demon. Oh, that's no good. Oh, well, this is probably a fucking, this is probably the movie, isn't it? This is probably the movie. I think there's probably the movie had a Zozo like that. Here are some signs you may be in contact with Zozo. Oh, geez. Below, now our podcast is

haunted, by the way. Great. Below is a list of items that may indicate you are in contact with Zozo during a spirit communication session. I don't want to be in contact with Zozo. Damn it. Hang up, Zozo. Hang up, Zozo. Get out of here. Hey, put Smooth back on. Put Smooth on the line. Move back on. I miss Smooth. Get out of here, Zozo. Rapid figure eight movements of the planchette. Rainbow side to side movements of the planchette. If the planchette spells out Zozo, Zaza, Mama, OZ. Papa, beep, beep, ding, ding. Group photo.

Outro. Ding dong. Bobo. Oh, damn it, guys. It said ding, ding. Zozo's here. I didn't just come ding, ding. Okay, wait a minute. What if you're, so it spells out all these things? What if you're not in touch with the demon, but rather are in touch with the ghost of Scatman, the Scatman. Zozo, Zaza, Mama, OZ, Zaza, Mama, Ozo, Zaza, Mama, Ozo, Zaza, Mama, OZ, Zaza, Mama, OZ, Zaza, Mama, OZ, Zaza, Zaza, Mama, OZ, Zaza, Mama. Figure eight movements, rainbow shape. Shake your planchette all over the place.

We gotta destroy the Ouija, though, because we can't have a Jumanji situation. Although, now that I'm thinking about it, that's not what that is. I'm thinking of the mask, where they tried to destroy the mask, but it kept coming back. If they printed off their own Ouija, where did they get the planchette from? I don't know, Travis. That's a fine question. Probably made it from a jelly jar and sarin wrap. If I had to guess, we should diagnose, though, if your computer is broken, if your computer is inhabited by Zozo, you don't just assume it's something. You run through some diagnostics. I'm just saying maybe the problem is not the board, but in fact,

the planchette, the cape planchette. You know what I mean? Maybe that's the problem. It's entirely possible, but we're all dancing around the bullshit of how to destroy a genuine Ouija. It's not, though. But it's not a genuine griffin. You're right. It's not a genuine Ouija, so this person's just making shit up, and they don't have Zozo. You're fine. Put it in the garbage disposal, flush your stupid paper Ouija down the toilet. Now, if I had a genuine GHO, and this thing was ruined with Zozo, nasty with Zozo, dripping with Zozo's ichor, what do I do about him? You've got to bury it under your local shoe factory.

One thing that this website recommends is that you set boundaries before you start any spirit communication. Yeah, it's important to set boundaries with ghost entities, demons that you may be communicating with. Hey, so that's not, that wouldn't be a very good demon, huh? If you have a say for it, then it respects. That's not really what I think of with a demon, like, oh, I'm okay. No, no, no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're right. Across the line. That was too far. I'll turn your lights back on. That was on me. I get it. You know what I mean? Thank you for communicating with me instead of just being mad and not telling me why. Instead of at me, I statement, I am a demon. I want to eat your soul. Do you think after the Ouija movie came out

that the rate of Ouija usage across the country spiked or diminished? Do you think that kids saw the Ouija movie and said, I don't want to fuck with Zozo? And so they did not buy a Ouija board? Because you know Hasbro probably pushed the, very much so like they did with trolls when trolls came out. They were like, here's new trolls. I bet they started printing Ouija boards again to time out with the release of the movie. But that puts themselves in a weird situation where it's like, it's a Ouija board. And then you're like, oh, sick. And you see the movie and the kids get killed by Zozo probably. And then you think like, this is not a good advertisement. It's not if like in the Coca-Cola polar bear commercials, if a child came up to try to get some Coca-Cola and

the polar bear fucking killed them, that would make you think like, maybe I don't want Coca-Cola. So do you think people are using these things more or less? Well, I know to speak for myself Griffin, just using our statements here, I have not stopped playing battleships since I saw that fucking flick. So I would think that probably it's the same deal where like, you just get the fever, you know? Do you think if you saw when you can, when the year after Jumanji came out and swept the nation with David Allen Greer fever, a dag fever, do you think that if you were a small child, the year after that movie came out and you loved that movie so much, and you found an old mysterious board game that you would

fucking play it? Because I think I still would be like, I know this is gonna like, really be taxing on David Allen Greer, but I would, I kind of want to know what the adventure is. It's an old wooden box in your grandma's cupboard, and it says like, tropical adventure on it, and you're like, I think I'd like to find out. And there is like a faint drumming noise coming from the box, and you just saw Jumanji. Would you still crack that lid and roll those bones? Yes, yes. No question. I played Jumanji in a heartbeat if given the opportunity. Do you think the Zathura kids saw Jumanji, and when they saw the Zathura box, they were like, this is gonna take us on a deadly space adventure, but fuck it, man. It didn't work out so great

for David Allen Greer, but I really want to check out the Zathura game. Are you aware that Ouija, the movie, was produced by Hasbro Studios? Yeah. Is there? It kills people. This is a film. Come by our game. Come by our game. It'll kill you. Kids with Zozo. Merry Christmas. I got you a Ouija. I want you dead, you dirty fucking rat. Perfect. Print it. Send it to theaters. Nasty fucking nephew. I got you a Ouija board. I hope Zozo chokes a life out of you, you nasty nephew. And it does strike me. I keep thinking about the Ouija board,

and it's weird because it's very singular to me. I can't think of another board game that is sold that's like, instead of playing Monopoly, but also when you play it, you're making real money. Like, there's not really another board game that has a deeper layer of like sales pitch to it. Like, the Ouija is a fun party game, and also you're contacting Satan. Like, that's such a weird, and people are like, huh, that's fun. Like, you can buy it at Target. Yeah. Like, when you pop the pop-a-matic popper in Sorry, they don't try to convince you the dice are alive. Yeah. And it's really shaking those pieces of shit up. Be careful playing the game of life. Like, that's it. You've got real babies now.

The game of death. I hope your mousetrap works. Those little rats have to play. They don't, really. It's just such a fucked up sales pitch. Via game. It might kill you. I mean, you could play Grape Escape with real grapes, I guess. Like, you could do, I was going to joke about that, but you could do that. You don't have to make them take them to the factory, mash them, smash them, another history. You could just, like, get some grapes and play Grape Escape with real grapes. You might actually be worried about waking Daddy. Yeah. You could wait. You could. You could just go wake up your dad. You could play Don't Wake Daddy so hard that your daddy, in fact, wakes up because the game got so overzealous.

That's possible. That one could happen. I mean, you could actually put a goat on the roof when you're playing a game of Hey, Pa, there's a goat on the roof, an actual board game that Hasbro made in 1966. Do you think that anybody was ever playing 13 Dead In Drive and then a painting fell off their mantel and killed them? Like, was that, do you think that's something that happened? Statistically speaking, yes. Yes, absolutely. Everything has happened once. Well, gentlemen, why don't you follow me? Get in my back seat. We're going to the money zone together. Let's go. Our first sponsor this week, Travis, I want to tell you. It's a dog's purpose. We already did

that. It's a dog's purpose and we did that one. Our second sponsor is Squarespace. My brother, my brother, me is supported in part by Squarespace. Make your next move. Make your next website. It's a this is if you want to make a website and you don't know where to start, now you do because it's Squarespace.com slash my brother. You can get a free trial of their all in one platform. You got nothing to install, patch or upgrade ever. They handle that stuff for you. And it is it is the best way to make a website. They got award-winning twenty for seven customer support. It's really easy to set up. It's used by a wide range of creative people. I saw that they actually have a new ad on Squarespace for John Malkovich

making a clothing line. So if you go to JohnMalkovich.com, it's a Squarespace site where he's like has designed clothes and it's amazing. And the whole thing is incredible. And thank you, Squarespace, by the way, because I didn't know I needed John Malkovich fashions in my life, but I do definitely, definitely do. But it's it's it's a great service. We've used it. And we can highly recommend it. Just go to Squarespace.com slash my brother for that free trial and 10% off your first purchase. Make your next move. Make your next website. Squarespace. Now you voted you did a website is so good and now you own your own business or whatever. And you need to hire the right people for the right stuff. Then you should go to zip recruiter because they're the other sponsor

that we have this week. And that means that they're our favorite zip recruiter allows you to well if you post it if you post a job listing just one place, then you're going to get bad people out for it just because it's one place you want to sew your seeds wide. And with zip recruiter, you can post your job to 200 plus job sites, including social media networks like Facebook and Twitter, all with a single click, just to find that perfect hire for you. You can find candidates in any city industry or industry nationwide, you just post once and watch your qualified candidates roll into zip recruiters easy to use interface, they will come flocking to you. And you don't have to worry about, you know, playing phone tag or juggling emails or whatever.

And it's used by Fortune 100 companies and thousands of small and medium sized businesses everywhere. And right now our listeners can post jobs on zip recruiter for free by going to zip recruiter.com slash my brother. That's zip recruiter.com slash my brother. One more time, try it for free. Go to zip recruiter.com slash my brother. We should do this for the podcast. And we can find out. We should zip recruit? Yeah, we should zip recruit like a hype person or a social media person or like craft like a personal chef. What's Flavie Flavie doing? Yes. He could hype us. He's probably good on money. Yeah. Hold on. I have a Jumbotron message here and it's for Bryce Slash Calvin and McKinsey. And this message is from the

podcast interest subset of the Slack subset of the acapella subset of the Glee Club who say, IO brothers, please help us congratulate Bryce Calvin and McKinsey on their engagement. They are both huge fans and it would be an honor if you could bestow a choice wedding hashtag upon them. God, I couldn't do this for my own fucking nuptials. I don't know why I think I could do it for Bryce Calvin and McKinsey. Three names, two hearts. Bryce Kalmack. Bryce Kalmack. Bryce Kalmack, the planet that Alf was from. Hashtag. A very Alf wedding. Yep, there it is. Hashtag, a very Alf wedding. Hope that helps. This message is for kids and it's from big R and big R says, I know this way late or early by now.

So let's just say it's both a happy birthday and Merry Christmas from your best friend and biggest boy. You've been the best part of my life for the last two years. And now that we'll be living together by the time this is read, I can't wait to share every night and morning with you. Hit me on my mobile. Oh, that's sweet. It's sweet, but like it seems like we missed the time window so badly that not only might you not be living together, you may have like died of old age in each other's arms notebook style at this point. And we apologize for we're just we got a lot of plates we're spending right now. Merry Christmas though. But Mayor, but here's the thing since we just opened up that new flood of like buying think we could have just done this so super early.

That's possible. Like maybe this big R bought this thinking like they won't do this till 2018. And here we are knocking it out my January. Yeah. Hi, I'm comedian Emily Heller and I'm cartoonist Lisa Hanowalt and we're the host of baby geniuses. Do you want to learn weird new facts? Do you like hearing successful creative women talk about their poop? Do you want the scoop on Martha Stewart's pony? If you answered yes to any of these questions, our show is for you. We interview people like Paul if Tomkins, Kristen Shaw, Michael Che, and more. So check us out on maximum fun and let us mess up your brain. Yes, please. Let's do a question. Here it comes. Strap in. I'm leaving my job and have no interest in going out to drinks or having

dinner with the people I currently work with to celebrate. That's in quotes or say goodbye. How do I make a graceful exit without having to spend social time with people who I don't like? That's from moving on in Maryland. It seems kind of like an open shut case, right? Yeah. I've never accidentally hung out with people. I guess if I get stuck in an elevator, maybe, and somebody's got a bottle of bubbly, maybe, maybe then, but that's never happened. I don't think this is a tough one, right? Just don't. This is why we need like valets and, you know, like a steward that can just sort of announce your non-presence at an event. I regret to inform you. Griffin McElroy has milk-based diarrhea again.

Godji Goodeen, he says. Here's a roast he made for you. Just kidding. I made it. You can have a cake with your face on it, but you're not there, but the cake with your face on it is. So they could sort of ceremonially say goodbye, but like not in a way that you have to participate with. Yeah, they can all eat your face and talk about their favorite Gregory memories. I have an idea. Okay. I've been thinking about this. It feels like a bad one. What if, well, hold on, Justin. No, Justin's right. Sometimes there's just something in the air where I can tell you're

about to float a real steward. Give it a moment. Maybe what you do is, like maybe a week before your last day, you just kind of like spread around the office that you're, you've decided to take like a surprise trip. You're going to treat yourself. You're taking a weekend getaway to like Columbia and then you just don't come back to work. And then slowly over time, perhaps a myth will develop that either you've just decided to live in Columbia from now on, or like maybe they need to start planning like a rescue mission. Yeah. Okay. I'm just saying maybe leave. I'm saying leave a little mystery. Just some mystery. Sure.

Leave just a story. Leave. Let the myth you leave behind be bigger than yourself. You know what I mean? It is important though that you alert the authorities ahead of time that this is happening. Oh, this is going to have to go deep. This is going to have to go all the way to the top. You know what I mean? I saw a trailer for a dog's purpose and it taught me a lesson and I won't see the film, but it taught me a lesson about like spending time with just people in this world or dogs because you never know which one of them harbors the soul of a kindred lost spirit. You know what I mean? So like you don't know which one of your co-workers used to be

another one of your co-workers that died, but you really liked that co-worker. All I'm saying is a dog's purpose taught me to just really value the important things in life, like human connections and also dog connections. So I just want you to think about that before you just shut all these people out. That's true. What have you missed them? Like maybe that last day, this is the kind of setting someone would make for like a movie where it's like your last day at work and you've hated everybody and it wasn't until this moment that you've really come to appreciate what you never took advantage of and these people's lives and the stories that they had and the impact that they could have on your life. Maybe this last 24 hours could be your hit film

fist fight, which I also have not seen, but I assume it's about Charlie Day and Ice Cube learning to appreciate each other as people and not fighting. I don't know. Like I said, I've only seen muted previews on Facebook and Twitter. Right. But I assume that's what it's about. Or here comes the boom. It could be here comes the boom. All I'm saying is that your boss could be your dog that died a while ago, so fucking show some respect. And your dog could be your boss that died a while ago. You don't know. You don't know. That's what I'm saying. That's what this life has taught me, this movie, this wonderful film. I bought it. I got a yahoo here. It's sent in by Mario Panagetti. Thank you, Mario. It's by Yahoo Answers user Kay who asks,

what would you name five sons? What would you name five sons all born two years apart? Do not use Hubert, Jeremy, Beckett, Devin, Jack, Ryan, Clinton, Fred. I'm saying what? No. What would you name five sons? You know you're gonna have five sons. Like my plan, we're gonna get to five. No, any way we need to. We will have five sons. Okay, so you have that in mind. So you come up with a naming structure for your five sons ahead of time. What would you? Here's my, okay. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday. What happened Friday? Exactly. Now you're thinking about it. Okay. It's a lot of work to go through and also a lot of work for these five boys to go through.

All right, let me hit you with this. Rachel Monica, Phoebe, Joey Chandler. What happened, Ross? Where's Ross though? The dad's name's Ross. And the mom's name is Gunther. Okay. And the grandpa's name is Friends. And this is our dog, Central Perk. I didn't think about this when I had my one son. It's what if I have four more sons? Yeah, you got to have a theme going. Can I do like Sonic the Hedgehog, Tails the Fox, Knuckles the Kidna, Big the Cat, Cream the Rabbit, all Sonic characters. Fuck yeah, got it. I got one. George Foreman did a good one. Yeah, George Foreman had a fun time with his son.

You couldn't do that again, huh? Like you couldn't, it's pretty wonderful that he did it, but I'm not sure you could keep doing it. What if you named it after single word NBC hit sitcom, so Frasier. Cheers. This is my son, Coach. This is my son. Friends. This is my son, Wings. Hello, I'm Wings. I'm a three-year-old and I am Wings. Hello, I am Wings. Hello, I am Coach. I'm older than Wings. I love you, big brother. I love you, Wings. What if you named your sons like five professions? Or like you named like, so for example, your son Wings, you trained from birth to become a pilot. You know? Okay, and Cheers would be a cheerleader. Yeah.

Frasier would be somebody who repaired Frasiers. Yeah, it looks like I got a little bit of cracks in your Frasier. I can take care of that for you. You got to take that to, you got to have a skilled Frasier, so I should be able to fix that one right up for you. Not going to be cheap, though. Frasier like that. It's going to be in the four-figure range, I'm sorry to say. That's a solid oak Frasier. Never see those anymore. Okay. The Kevin and the Furious. Two Kevin, two Furious. Oh my God. The Kevin and the Furious took you drift. Yes. Kevin and Furious. Fast Kevin. Two Kevin. From Kelly. Two Kevin from Kevin. Fuck, that's really good, Justin. You nailed that. And that's good because then if you accidentally,

you know, phone down and you crank out a couple more Cavs. Three more Cavs. The fate of the Kevin. Oh no, the Kevin of the Furious. The hard thing is going to be somehow naming Kevin, Kevin Drift, but like having him come after all the others. So like your third son will actually be your fifth son. This is, I have to rearrange these names just to get the naming conventions. Can I say how amazing it is that through all the really semi-terrible names, and they're fun in a terrible way, but like they're terrible in a fun way. Either way, the Fast and Furious films all have really bad names. The fact that they've all been building to what may be the best name for a movie ever, the fate of the Furious, which is like so fucking

cool of a name of a movie. Like the fact that they managed to pull that out towards the end is pretty outstanding. I just, I'm so excited and I'm so hurt by what Vin has done and I know it's not him. I know he's playing a character, but I don't think I'll ever be able to look at him the same way again. Yeah, it's a pretty big deal. How about a new question? Family comes first, right? Always. It's supposed to, so what the fuck is he doing? What's he doing right now? He's kissing Charlie's. Why? Why? That's not who he's supposed to kiss. She's not family. She isn't family. He should only be kissing family. You know it's him because there's still cars. Yeah. He's still driving fast, so it's him. It's some sort of android. I thought that too, Justin. I watched the channel

and I was like, this is some sort of clone or cyber android or robot or like a CGI hologram like they did with like a Michael Jackson and that one concert. Like I think it's got to be a hologram, right? It's really him because it's the cars. I thought maybe it was a Dave situation where it's like somebody who looks like him and impersonates him that has taken over for him or maybe a meet Dave situation where it's like a big guy with a bunch of little guys inside of him, but it would be another possibility, but it's not him because it's him and he's saying all this right stuff and he's driving the cars and he's hurting his family. Wouldn't it be incredible if at the end of the new triple X movie, like Tyrese rolled up in just like a super just like sick, you know,

sports car and was like, hey, we need you back in the Fast and the Furious movies. We've got a whole new bad guy to fight and triple X was like, guess I better go beat Dom now and like hopped in the car and the new the new Fast and the Furious movie starts with Tyrese and then pulling up in that car and like that's the start of that movie. But unfortunately they can't get it. Justin just had a very, very powerful orgasm. A Fast and the Furious crossover with triple X where Vin Diesel is both. I can't take it. I'll tell you when they're going to get there though. It's going to be Fast and the Furious 30 because then because then they just put triple X right there at the end of it and there's your fucking title. Oh hell yes. We're going to have we got a lot of Fast and

Furious movies. Gotta make them faster. It's going to be Fast 9 feeling fine. It's going to be the next one. That one's going to be more upbeat and do it again. Maybe some web exclusive entries. Only on Netflix. The dirty, the dirty Fast and Furious dozen. We're going to get there. Yeah. Ocean's Fast 11. Yeah. Maybe one could just be a murder mystery for like a weekend and that's like another one. It's like covered. We just got to rush through is what I'm saying. 20 through 26 is an ARG experience. Yeah. Just be an escape room somewhere in Los Angeles. All canonical. All canonical. What happened? Ludicrous dies in the escape room. Ludicrous died in the escape room and he's not in the movies. Yeah. You had to go to the escape room. It's a great crossover

and all the plot lines are unbelievable. Yo, I can't help you guys with this one. One of my wings is alive again. What? What? Oh, you had to read the Choose Your Adventure book to understand that one. The angel that lives inside of me is starting to break through. The angel that lives inside of you. Yeah, that was in the Angry Birds Fast and Furious crossover. I hate an angel in the Angry Birds Fast game. Yo, yo, I love to come on this adventure, but Cromby Lord, the planet inside my heart, the tiny planet inside my heart can't, it's the dark times because the harvest festival. So I can't make it out for this one. We stole the planet from Jason Statham, remember? What do you know, Kimberlactus? It's just you and me, Rocket Raccoon.

Here's another question from a listener. I work at a small coffee shop. It's pretty slow, so I know that a lot of people that come in, I have a good rapport with the customers and often have pleasant and lengthy chats with them. However, I've noticed a trend where some customers have started blatantly shielding their pin numbers from me as they pay with a card. This offends me because it's rude, sure, but also because they think I would pick such a boring and obsolete way to steal. This has been happening quite a bit, and I'm wondering what my next move is. Do I say something? Am I allowed to make a goof? That's from Ocean Zero. This is fucking, man, this is so brutal, because do you guys do that? Do you guys shield your pin? No, I yell it out loud. Okay,

well, mine's just 69-69, so it's not even that good of a pin, but you're going to have to catch me and kill me to take my debit card from me. That's the truth. It's not enough just to have my secret 69-69 phrase. I don't care. If you steal my debit card, it's going to be canceled by the time you hit the corner. It's no good to you, and if somebody did perloin my numbers, which has only happened basically eight or nine different times, and I have because I'm just buying Russian coffee cups or something. I don't know what I'm doing out there, but I keep getting my numbers stolen, and when it does, the bank calls me and is like, hey, Jimmy, it happened again. I'm like, yeah, I know, it happens. Send me a new card. They're like, you know it, and I don't care.

I don't care. Steal my pin. I don't give a shit. I saw someone share a video with me on Facebook that's like when you enter your pin, you need to put like once you're done, put your whole hand on the pad, or else someone can take like a heat, you know, one of those like thermal scanners and show which buttons are warm because, and I'm like, first of all, if I saw someone do that right after me, it's like, hey, what's that guy doing with that thermal scanner? But secondly, if you brought your thermal scanner to the coffee shop to steal my pin number, do you need money that I can give you $10? Just sell the thermal scanner. Yeah, we're thinking it's a thermal scanner. Hold on. This is, don't do this thing. If I'm

having a nice conversation with you and I'm making you a panini at the Starbucks, I hands you your panini and I say, that'll be $40. And then you try to be sneaky with your pin, like I'm going to hack you. That hurts my feelings. I just, we just had a nice conversation about your kids while I made you a panini. I think you should say, well, I think it's fair. You didn't see what I did to that panini. Like you can't watch me make your drink. You just have to just, are we all hacking each other all the time now? Because it's not just computers anymore. The penalty of hacking has not, like hacking has now gone around the bend for me where it's like, they're going to get you. If they want you, they're going to get you. So why not just be chill about

it? I don't know. If you want me, they're going to get you. I'm just not sweating anymore. It's going to happen. If they want you, they're going to get you. Damn. There's got to be a way to put up a cyber wall. No, no walls. That's the thing, Griffin. What you got to do, what you got to do, you've got to make yourself so open to attack that you're like low hanging fruit. If they're just like, no, I'm not going to, I'm not going to hack Travis. There's no challenge. That's what, what is that? Like anyone could, a baby could hack Travis. Look at that baby over there. It's the, it's the Sun Tzu baby boy technique. Exactly. He says, and it's, I believe it's in the third Sun Tzu book where he says, just make yourself look like a little baby and

do keep on yourself. And then your enemies will see you and say, he's not worth fighting. And then when he turns around, right. And then when they turn around, you fucking hack them. Yeah. You hack them. You hack them back. You counter hack. That's what we need to do. No walls because they're going to break through my fucking ice in the, in the reboot cyberverse. I'm just going to have to go in there. My, I got to learn how to, that's my, maybe that's my zag. I've been trying to find out what my zag is going to be for 20 serpentine. And maybe it's, I just become a fucking white hat hacker. And I go, and I, you know, and I sort of become, yeah. Let me explain to you why I need that so very badly.

Okay. It is my dream as a child of the nineties. It is my dream in life to one day see a hacker on hacker computer battle, like with, with like sweat on their brow and furious, like just typing and like they're blocking them at every turn, you know what I mean? And like I want to see it like it's a dance, like it's a beautiful hacking dance. Yeah. The thing I was led to believe happened all the time by movies in 1992. And I never see it. It doesn't happen that much. I want it so bad. And then it ends and everybody's exhausted, but like we barely kept the launch code safe. Yeah. It'll be like, so it looks like it was a draw. I'm like, is it? And then I'll hold up their code. So I'm like, gotcha codes. Got your codes here. I want it so bad.

Can I read one more Yahoo real quick? Yeah, you can get one in under the wire. It's from Rachel Rosen. Game recognized game, Rachel Rosen. Thank you, Rachel. It's by Yahoo Answers user Bernard A. Who asks, why did John Hancock write names so big on the Constitution? Now, there's there's a quick answer here from David B, who says John Hancock was president of Congress from the Declaration of Independence was adopted and signed according to legend Hancock signed his name largely and clearly so that King George could read it without his spectacles. But the story is apocryphal and originated years later. Whatever the reason, it clearly had something to do with emphasis. So I've heard that before. He signed it. So

King George could read it was stupid, bad eyes. And if that's not the answer, why did my boy, John Hancock, when everybody else is like, I'll sign it. And then this motherfucker rolls up and he's like, Jonathan Hancock. I actually know the reason. I know it. Well, don't say the real reason. No, no, I know it. Okay, but it won't be funny. No, I know it. Actually, John Hancock wrote his signature so big, the cover up where Ben Franklin wrote, I signed your crack. Oh, yeah. Have a great, have a great, have a great summer. Have a great summer. I love you like a sister. Benny F. And John Hancock was like, Franklin.

He just wanted to cover. He wanted to try to obscure where Ben Franklin had just written cock. There's huge letters on there. It's like, well, we got to do something with this. Because Benny Frank just wrote. What did you write, John Ham? Don't worry about it. Just don't worry about it. I'll just change my fucking name. It's fine. History will never know. No one's going to see this shit anyways. You're going to lock this away somewhere, right? Till Len rolls up with the sequel with the squeak wall all about the cock man. Probably not as rich of vein there. No, very short. What if you have you seen Hamilton to the squeak wall cock man cock man.

It's like instead of talking about how he's going to change the world, it's exactly the same show except it's just a young John Hancock talking about how one day he's going to write his name really big on an important document. It could be that John Hancock had one regular hand and one Foo Fighters Everlong big hand and that was his right hand. John, please sign it with your left. John, wait, just please use the left. No. We only get one shot of this. We've had to rewrite this thing so many times. Please, John. Yeah, it's like 17 or 1800 something and it's the paper's really hard to come by. Please use your not giant Everlong hand. It's paper's so hard to come by. We can't afford calendars. We don't even know what year it is. It is fun to think about the

fact that you live a whole life and in one moment of extravagance, you change the whole like way in which you are like through all of history. Like no matter what you did, father, a brother, son, like patriot, politician, no, you're just the guy who signed his name so big on there. But in doing so, also there's a lot of people whose names are on there that people don't talk about much. But oh, John. Let's have a talk about Thomas Mifflin or Richard Morris. They should talk about the rest of those people because the bullshit of all this is John Hancock wrote his name first and everyone else went, I want to write it smaller than that. Like everyone else could have also, but like they made John Hancock the like kid, like the dude in

the office who like signs the birthday card first and writes like a big long message and everybody else just writes like their name and it's like, well, thanks, everybody. Like I thought we were all going to go all in on this and like you guys left me just hanging in the wind and you all could have written your names big too, but now I look like an asshole. I look like history's asshole. Also, I will say this, if you haven't looked at the signature in a while, check it out. If my signature was that fucking rad, it is the fate of the furious of signatures. Like if my signature was that cool, I'd probably do it really big too every time. Also, just one last thing that we do need to address is that John Hancock defo did not sign the constitution. He got up on the

Declaration of Independence. So we got that one wrong. We got that one very wrong. We were very wrong on that. Let's just cut that tweet out. Let's cut out the blast 20 minutes podcast. Go listen to stuff you should know if you want facts. You know, you should know the Declaration of Independence and Constitution are different things. They're different stuff, two different sheets. Who signed the Constitution real big? Yeah, I was just looking at this. Let's talk about this big signature and it's from Daniel of St. Thomas Jennifer. Who the fucking who gave you the right Dan? I think the weirdest part is where somebody just drew Kilroy on the on the declaration. Who did that? You know what I mean? Yeah, where'd that come from? Let's wrap up so Justin can go do his

jujitsu. Excellent. Taekwondo. Don't be a dick. They're two different, very different things. I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure they are. I'm still early yet. That's going to do it for us this week on my brother, my brother and me. We hope you've enjoyed yourself. Thank you to this week's sponsors. If you want to, I think there's like we don't know specifically, but we're about well, we are as of this moment exactly one month out from the premiere of my brother, my brother, me TV show on CISO. So you're going to start seeing like things. Yeah, start seeing some things probably this week. So it'll be on our Facebook group and my brother, my brother, me appreciation group and also on our Twitter at mbmbam. So make sure you follow those so you can see that stuff

when it pops off. I want to thank John Rodgers in the long winters for the use of a theme song instead of Parcher off the album, putting the days to bed. It's a fucking great, powerful tune off a great, powerful album. And you're just going to love it if you haven't listened to it already. You can go to maximumfund.org, check out all the shows on the Maxfun network. There's a bunch of really, really great programs. They're all for free stuff like Jordan, Jesse, go and stop podcasting yourself and throwing shade all on maximum fun. And we have a bunch of other podcasts and video stuff that we do at mackleroyshows.com. You can check out all that there. Also, mackleroyshows.com is our contact info and Twitter accounts and all that stuff.

I'm going to be on the Jonathan Colton cruise. It is March 4th through the 11th. And it's going to be really fun and cool. Some people that are going to be on there include Jeffrey Craner, the Welcome to Night Vale folks, Nerf Herder. Here's one that I just found out about a relatively new addition that I'm really stoked about, Rebecca Sugar, creator of Steven Universe is going to be on there. That's awesome. Yeah, it is. I'm so fucking jealous that you get to go on this. I'm just going to follow her around and just tell her how much I enjoy her program. Not in a weird way. And we're doing a live Saw Bones on there. So you're not going to miss that. In fact, you're going to want to check it totally out. So jococruise.com,

there are some cabins still available. So go come with me on the beautiful Holland America Westwardham ship that is a boat, probably. A boat ship. Yeah, it's going to be a pretty good cruise. I have a final Yahoo here. You want to hear it? Yes, please. It's from Jeffrey Corbello. And it's by Yahoo Answers, user Shrek. Who asks? In Back to the Future 3. Since time travel is obviously fake, how did they get back to the Old and West to film the movie? Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. School air on the lips. Mugs, shirts, stickers, patches, tanks, and more are yours for the purchasing at maxfunstore.com.

Hey, you already love the podcasts, so why not take this to the next level and outfit your home and bod with our merch, maxfunstore.com. Because if you have to wear a shirt, it should be one of ours. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.