My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 343: The Sauce Doctor's Blessing

Episode Date: February 21, 2017

Things have changed. Like, we wanted to stay "Podcast Humble" for as long as possible, but when you're fielding as many A-List phone convos as we have over the past few days, it's tough to stay true to your roots. Suggested talking points: Phone Calls With Celebs, My Hairy Friend, Game Jail, Clean Plate Club, Noodleboy, Hot Cereal, Busting a Nut

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, and me, the podcast. My name is Justin McElroy. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Sorry, let me get that. Yes, hello. Uh-huh. I would love to, Marty, but I'm busy recording a podcast. Yeah? Okay. Okay. Sorry. This is your middlest brother, Travis McElroy.

And this is your baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Hey, guys, what are we doing here? What? What it says? Oh, sorry. I just got a call from Marty Scorsese. Do you know? Oh, Marty. Do you know his work? He was just calling. He wants to direct a gritty, like, McElroy Brothers-based movie with a lot of intrigue and betrayal and a lot of drug use. I was confused because me and legendary director Martin Scorsese, and like, over my hours of hanging out with him like I did learn the proper right way to say his name, I just call him El Scorcho. Thank you for correcting that pronunciation, because something that makes so much more sense as to why when you're ribbing him about like some of his batter movies, why you call him

Martin Scorchese, makes so much more sense to me now. Thank you. Yeah. So me and Scorcho, I had Scorcho on the phone the other day. He's like, Departed 2, are you in? And I was like, what's it all about? He's like, get this, Martin Sheen, he's back. Like, he's super died in the, yeah, no, he's back. And this time, you're his little brother. I don't even understand how like chronologically, don't doubt the Scorch, he said to me, yelled it even. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Hello. Jerry. Okay. Yeah, it's J-Man. Yeah. These pretzels are making me thirsty. Okay. Great. Yeah. Yeah, just send them on over. Bye. Who was that? Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, he watched the first episode of our TV show, and he is actually

sending me all his Emmys in shame, he said. Oh, wow. He's embarrassed of his TV show, and he doesn't want the Emmys anymore, and he's sending them to me. That is both nice and humble of him. That's really sweet of him. Where are you going? He doesn't deserve them. He saw our comedy show, and he says, oh, that's how you do it. I don't deserve all these. I don't deserve all these Emmys. I'm going to give them back. Oh, hey, hold on one second. Oh, wow, a real phone ringtone. Hold on. Hello. Hey, Joe. How's it going? Do you want to, oh, today? I'm a little bit, I could, we could do lunch at Pasta, you want to go to Pasta Garden? I think it's Olive Garden. It's all, the name of the restaurant's Olive Garden, not Pasta Garden. There's not a restaurant

called Pasta Garden in Austin. Like, there's not, there isn't, that would be crazy if there's a restaurant called Pasta Garden. You get that, right? It's Olive Garden. Okay, fine. I'll meet you at the Pasta Garden, 12.30. Fine. Okay, bye. That was Joe Pantaleano. He's in Austin, and he wants to, he was insistent the restaurant was called Pasta Garden. I didn't know what to tell him. Joey Pants. I'm sorry. That was so rude of me. I left a sound on, but I actually got a text in the middle of that call from the Oscars committee, and they said that they were retroactively giving me Leonardo DiCaprio's Oscar. They were going to take it away from him for, for his bear movie, and they're going to give it to me now, so he still doesn't have an Oscar anymore.

The Bear Challenger, I believe, was the title of it. From Bearman, the Bearman movie. From, from Leo's ill-fated, gritty, yogi bear reboot. I love fame. It's so good. Let's just say it. Let's just say it. I love this stuff, man. Can't get enough. I wish we weren't still under contract to do a thousand podcast episodes, or I would just quit doing this show and focus on being famous all the time. Yeah. I mean, this podcast has been, I think, about as successful as the medium can get. Has it ever secured me one ticket to Pear, Red Dice, by which, I mean, a 1230 lunch reservation at Pasta Guard with my good friend Joe Pansaliano? No. Only television got me there. Only television

got me across that beautiful finish line. There's just so much power that comes from being on a streaming internet comedy show. You know what I mean? You don't get that from podcasts. You've got to get on the old media like streaming internet comedy. Has it changed things, though? Has it changed things? That's what everybody's wanting to know. I'm recording this laying down on my polar bear skin rug, but I've always done that, so that's not new. It's like when Michael Jordan was playing basketball wherever he did it before, he did it, and then he did it, and people were like, whoa. And he was like, things have changed. You know what I mean? He was the best basketball player, and as soon as people were like crazy about number 23, he was just like,

things have changed for me, I think. That's actually what most people... Oh, sorry, guys. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Hold on. MJ. Oh, it's actually him. Oh, yeah, dial him in. MJ. Hey. You want me to take... Oh, so I would be 23. Oh, wow. Wow. It's the call, Travis. And, okay, so I'll be 23, and you're just going to give me all of your basketballs. Okay. I mean, just from the one episode, don't you want to wait to see the rest of the... Okay. And, oh, yeah. Oh, the cover of bad. So I'll be on the cover of all the copies of bad that they sell from now on. And then you'll get them stickers to put my face on. Okay, so it's all

MJs. Okay. Seems like it. Whoa. Mahalia Jackson, you're on here to... Wow. Okay, so you're going to give me your Grammys as well. So I'll be on the cover of bad. I'll own Neverland Ranch. I get all the basketballs. And I'm number 23. Just from the one episode, you guys don't want to wait to... Okay. Mm-hmm. Sure. Yeah, for sure. Okay, thank you so much. That means a lot. Thanks. Yeah, these pretzels are making me thirsty, too. Yeah. Love that shit. Okay, bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Wow, juice. That sounded like a pretty big call. Just a lot of MJs giving me their honors and their awards and their recognitions. Well, congratulations for all your... Oh, fucking shit. Hold on one second.

Hey, Bryce. I can't today, Bryce. I'm sorry. Bye. This is my friend, Bryce. He wanted to get lunch, but I'm obviously I'm spoken for, so... This has never been more important that we help people. Oh, sorry. Just one more call. Sorry. Yes, hello. Joseph Gordon-Biden. Oh, no. A life debt? Uh-huh. Follow me to the ends of the earth? Uh-huh. Like a Belvedere situation? Okay. Can you start tomorrow? Cool. Cool, cool, cool. All right. I'll have Deborah send over the address. I'll see you then. Okay. Bye. Guys, you'll never believe who it was. I can't guess. It was Barack Obama. Whoa. Weird. Okay. Doing a character? Yeah. He was using his non-deplume, Joseph Gordon-Biden.

All right. I think it's time that we reveal that these have all been pranks that we have done so far. Basically, everything you've heard up to this point, except my friend, my fucking rude friend, Bryce, calling me, somehow piercing through the do not disturb that I have said on my phone. Like, I don't know how you like hacked into my shit to get the phone call through, but all the other stuff has been just pranks, and we don't know these people, and we just... We hope you enjoyed all the stuff we've done so far. We would never do something like that on the TV show. We really save a really fully formed great gag for our new medium of television. Should we do... Please watch our TV show. It comes out on Thursday on CISO. Go get CISO on whatever set top box you got.

Go to ciso.com and check it out on Thursday. And if you want to, and you haven't yet, the... We have an episode of the show up now. You can see it on YouTube. I put a link to it on macrashows.com, and you can watch a full episode now wherever you are. So go enjoy that. Sorry, by the way. Sorry that the one that we put out has spiders in it, apparently, for some people. That's challenging. I've heard. It's a challenging thing for some people. A lot of people not very pleased about that, and I am sorry for that. It is the only episode with spiders in it, though. I can guarantee that. Yes. Let's hit... Can we do some fucking advice, please? Yeah. My husband calls petting the dog, rubbing the dog's fur. How can I make him stop? That's from dogs deserve

dignity in Michigan. I don't know that this is like a full media question. So much is, I just want to say to the question asker's husband, I respect you. Yeah. This idea of like, this was probably one time you meant to say like, I'm going to go pet the dog, and you couldn't think of the word pet, and you said, I'm going to go rub the dog's fur, and you fucking committed to it. And you're like, this is me now. I'm a man who pets dogs, I rub dogs fur from now on. That's me for life. I have to say, I think that the question asker said they call themselves dogs deserve dignity in Michigan. I would argue that this is a much more dignified way of referring to the practice, because by saying you're petting the dog, what you're saying inherently is like,

I'm petting my possession. I'm owning my possession. And now it's... I'm massaging my friend. My friend has fur, just happens to have fur, and I'm rubbing it with my hand, which is an equal appendage to a paw. We are all at equal playing field here. I'm going to go interact with the dog. And an adult, consensual way. I'm going to massage my friend's hairy body in a way that we will both enjoy very much. And when you say it like that, it could be anyone at that point. You know what I mean? That's not patronizing to the dog. I'm going to go rub my friend's hairy body. That's universal. I'm feeding my friend some table trash and I have some do not approve, but this is a personal relationship between my friend and I,

where I feed him trash from the table. I'm watching my friend defecate in my yard. My friend looks hungry, so I'm going to serve them up a tall bowl of stink cereal. I'm just going to tie this rope around my friend's neck and walk him down the street. It's for my friend, though. He'll see a car and he'll be murdered by the car by a person. So the rope is for my friend. Hi. Thanks for seeing me on such short notice. I need you to express my friend's anal glands, and I need you to do it in a mature, consensual way, because it's too yucky for me personally, because we're friends and it would be overstepping the line.

And please don't make eye contact with my friend while you do it. He hates that. My friend ate my fucking car keys, and so I'm not really sure what to do about that. I was rubbing his hairy body and I looked down and my dang keys were gone. Do you guys want to Yahoo? This is good. Just keep doing this. You're fine. Um, this one's sent in by Aaron Keys. Thank you, Aaron. It's by Yahoo Answers user AGLU who asks, Should it be illegal to seal someone's kill on Call of Duty? So I've just been playing some Call of Duty Black Ops 2 when this kid kept stealing my kills. It was the same person over and over. Every time I went in for a kill, this kid just ran in and

took it. 11 assists I got. They should have been kills. So I think you should be put in prison for stealing someone's kills in an FPS. Remind me, which one is the Call of Duties? It's the one with the soldier men, but they have future guns. Gotcha. You know, the irony here is that it's illegal to steal someone's kill in a video game. But in real life, if you're about to kill someone and somebody else kills them first, that makes, like, that's suddenly illegal. Like, you're now legal. You're off the hook. Yeah, you're good to go. Because you didn't actually do the kill, you know what I mean? Like, it's ironic if you think about it.

But if you want to get all the, I don't know, duty points that you can use to buy duty dollars, you can buy new weed emblems, like weed skins for your gun, to turn your character into just a big three-dimensional sort of ganja guy. You can buy him for 3,000 duty bucks. You're going to need to get those kills. And this child is coming in and really just griefing him. And so, like, can I put the kid in jail? Actual jail, too. Like, this person is talking about, like, real-world physical jail, not just, like, Call of Duty jail. No, this is interesting, Travis. You've just given, just when I work in the video games industry.

So we know the people to talk to to get these sorts of ideas going because I think there should be a jail for every game. And not like you get banned and you can't play the game. I think if you do too much bad stuff, maybe not stealing somebody's kill, but if you call somebody many epithets, then the next time you log in, your weed-shaped soldier man is just in a cage. And there's, like, a little timer there that's like one month. He's in the cage. Like, real-time? Real-time one month, like... Yeah, real-time one month. And you can walk around in the cage and try to find a way out, but there is no way out. You're in the cage.

Is there an opportunity, Griffin, there, for, like, a time off for good behavior thing where, like, they bring other people to the cage that you can talk to and say, let me tell you why I'm in here and you shouldn't, like, make fun of people online and be mean to them. And, like, maybe that shaves some time off of your sentence. When you log on, the cage is also filled with orphans. And there is a book there in the cage. So if you read to them stories, you know, read them online, the Witch of the Wardrobe or whatever, you can shave some time off your sentence. And the orphans are real-time. You gotta really read it.

Real-time real-orphans. Plug in your microphone. I know. Go for, dig it out. You gotta read to orphans. Listen, I have some advice for you, question-asker. Get good. Oh, yeah. Just close the murder deal. Yeah. You opened, you opened the store of murdering and you didn't stick around to close up for the day. There's probably a better metaphor there. But get good. Scrub, get good. Just close the deal.

If you had given them one right in the old brain box, they wouldn't have time to get stolen. You know what I mean? Can't steal a headshot. Can't steal a nose coat. Let me I pitch a zag. Yeah, sure. Should we all get like fucking MLG pro-level Call of Duty gamers? No, no, no. Start a client or something. Question-asker follows this kill-stealer around and steals their kill-stealings.

Like you have a sniper rifle like right over their shoulders. They're pointing a sniper rifle. They can't see you because they're looking down their sniper rifle. And it's like, oh, he's about and I stole his kill-stealer back. I'm the Robin Hood of Call of Duty. Sort of. I steal the kill from the kill-stealer. Steal. Fuck.

Got away from me. What if everybody just waits for everybody else to initiate the fight? There's only kill-stealing and then nobody starts it. It's like. Oh, it's reservoir dogs. Why don't we talk it out? Like maybe we just talk through it. Whatever's going on between the red guys and the blue guys.

Maybe we just figure it out. I like that. It's like, hey, rather than kill-stealing, let's just sit down and rap about this beef. Let's wrap this beef up and sell it. Check this out. New Call of Duty game comes out next month because I'm pretty sure them shits are coming out on a monthly basis now.

You pick it up. You get it together with your friends. You get all your stuff together. Your four loco. It's a time for a night full of shooting and hooting. And you go in and you play. I'd met round and you get, you do okay. You get like six kills.

Your friend, Benny gets 14. You're like, damn, Benny. He's like, I just have it. I just have it. And then the match ends. You're like, time to rack up my duty bucks and see how well I did. And you and all of your teammates and everybody you played against are all in small jail cells.

And there's just like, I think there's just a guy that comes and walks through the jail, like the warden. And he's just like, what were you guys doing in there? You can't just shoot and kill and hurt. So what did you do? Six kills. That's fucking 14 to life.

So that's pretty, that's not great. Benny, oh my God. Benny actually come with me. Benny, it's, we save this for only the most brutal monsters that rear their heads in this game. But you need to come with me now, Benny. Maybe you follow after this person steals your kill. Just get right up in their face and scream, what did you do?

That was a, that was a living person. Yeah. You can't just snuff. I was just trying to scare him. You can't just snuff out a human life like that, you animal. And then follow him around for the rest of the game, shot and that kind of thing. Yeah.

That's going to hurt their KD for sure. Or at least hurt their feelings. It's going to hurt their KD lying. Read another one. I work at a software company and we have a communal kitchen with shared dishes during the other day, during lunch the other day. Sorry. I caught a coworker lifting a plate to his face and licking it clean.

I had a full-on panic attack on my head as I was watching the horror as he continued unabated in his quest to get every morsel of sauce off a plate that I could very well be using tomorrow. My question is this, are you hiring because now I need a new job? And that's from Clean Plate Club in Atlanta, Georgia. Holy shit. No, no. Yes.

No. What? No. What's Griffin? What? How could you? I feel betrayed by you, Griffin. Okay, fine.

But if you go to a fucking nice restaurant and you see how I did the accent there, that's how you know how nice this restaurant was and you fucking give them a buy you. You get yourself a fucking étouffé. Play the gumbo. Gumbo. Get yourself an étouffé. And you finish the étouffé, but you don't want to waste the good, hard work done by the sauce doctor.

Then you fucking lick it all up good. And then guess what? You're going to put it in like a hot, steamy soapy box. And then all of your tongue stuff is just going to be gone in the soapy box. Griffin, this person did not go to the Cajun kitchen. This person fucking microwaved a Stover's lasagna and like, You don't know that.

You don't know that. You don't know that. You don't know that. You don't know that. I do know that because they were in the break room at work. Like this was not. Okay. Even so, Griffin, are you telling me it is your belief that this work break room has a

functioning sanitizing dishwasher in it and not just a sink that people lazily rents dishes in and then immediately put back in the cabinet? I don't know. There's a lot of variables here, but even if it was just you run hot soapy water over it, their tongue stuff is gone. How are you guys this upset about this? Because I know, Griffin. And even worse, I sort of know because if all the plates look the same,

like they're all bad now. They're all. What are you going to do? You're going to fucking walk up to them and grab the plate and fucking shatter it on the floor and be like, I hope you enjoyed. The soft doctor's good work, but did you now? What? What?

Okay. We're glossing over the point that this is unacceptable workplace behavior. There is also that. You can't watch someone do that. And then like, I guess we're teaming up on the new project for the boss together. And also, I just watched you lick a plate clean like my friend who is a dog. Like my hair friend. Like my hairy friend.

Um, so guys, close your eyes and just think of, have you ever had something where the good stuff wasn't immediately fork accessible? And you had to go hair friend on the plate to get to receive the soft doctor's blessing. Then you mop it up with a bread, buddy. Crusty bread. A nice crusty bread. Okay. So they just have, they just have sauce spread.

They have like a plan. You play on the head, Griffin. You have to play on the head. If you know that you got a good sauce from the sauce doctor, you got to bring a crusty bread, buddy and plan the fuck ahead. You can't just fucking like live in the moment and lick it clean. Did you bring crusty bread to this person? Say, Hey, I saw you licking, I saw you licking the plate like a toddler.

Would you maybe enjoy a baguette for next time? Can I maybe interest you in this for next time forever? And also, can you go back and find the plates that you've ever licked in your life and shadow them? Please. The only place that this is okay. Work behavior. This is all right. Work behavior.

If you work at someplace like Pixar where everything's just a little bit more cash, you know, everybody's just razor scootering around and they've made their cubicles look like tiki huts and like, you know, they've got a ping pong table in the bedroom. Okay. Licking clean. Fine. We're all in Hawaiian shirts anyways. It's all higgledy-piggledy up in the air.

If you nervously walk into John Lasseter's office and he's, I don't know. He's in there eating himself a good plate of gumbo and you're like, hey, I've got a good pitch for a movie. And he's like, oh, just one second. And then he licks the plate clean because he's John Lasseter and he can do whatever. He's one of those. It takes 15 minutes. It takes complete silence.

Complete silence. And he leaves one little scrap of the sauce doctor's blessing right there. And he's like, what? Oh yeah, it sounds good. What are you talking about? It's cats but they are firefighters. Yeah, sure. What the fuck ever?

We did airplanes as firefighters so I don't see why not. Anyway, come on over here and I guess if you want me to green like this, why don't you get up on this sauce doctor's blessing with your dog tongue? What did you say to me, John? Lick this up with your doggie tongue if you want me to make your cat, your cat firefighter movie. You're a good hairy boy. Why don't you lick the sauce doctor's blessing from this terrain?

But it's a trick test. You go over there and lick it. But before you do, you realize that he has licked the sauce, the remaining sauce, into the perfect shape of like the next like Nemo-esque like hit character. We're like, sauce boy. And then that's like all over bedspreads and like lunchboxes, sauce boy everywhere. And you lick- John fucking laughs at Ernie's a genius.

And you slurp up the sauce doctor's blessing right off this plate. And John says, I could never make a movie with such a nasty boy. And then he drives off in the bumper car. He's been sitting in the whole time. And he snap chatted you. We're doing it. And he put it on his snapchat. So now everybody's in your ruins.

Oh, damn it. Got me again, John. You put that on the gram, huh? You make great movies, John. But your Machiavellian plots in the workplace, they need to stop. Hey, also, John, for future reference, John, you could have just fired me. Yeah. You're the boss of the thing.

Like if you didn't like my work, please just fire me next time. John. Oh, shit. Sorry, guys. Hold on one second. It's OK. Hello? Oh, it's really John Lasseter.

Oh, you hacked our Skype call the whole, you were listening the whole time? You do want to make the cat firefighter movie starring me in... OK. I have a friend, Joe Pannelliano. He's great. He was in the Matrix. Do you think we could get him? We can get him in as...

Taz? T-Tabby... We'll figure out the name later, John. But yeah, I'm very excited. The Tabby Cabby. The Tabby Cabby. Tabby Cabby? He drives...

Sorry. What was that, Travis? Give me a... He drives the cab. Travis, I'm on the fucking phone with John Lasseter. Give it to me now. He said Tabby who drives the cab. Tabby Cabby.

He's in a cab and he drives around. I'm off the project. OK, bye. Fuck! Damn it, Travis. That was my one fucking shit. We'll pitch it to DreamWorks, Griffin. We'll pitch it to DreamWorks.

Ah, sorry, guys. Hold on one second, everybody. Taz? The real Taz? Taz Rainey and Devil? Oh, it's the cartoon Taz. Justin, can you put it on speakers so we can hear both sides? Yeah, just put it on speaker quick.

I want to hear him. Yeah, let me put it on speaker. Hold on. Well, that's uncalled for. Yeah. I wouldn't say we stole any of your jokes for the show when you and I were... OK, well, that's...

I mean, that's racist. You know that's... No, I want to work this out with you, too. Yeah. OK, let's find something. How about instead of a protracted legal battle, you and I find something that we can work together on soon? Justin, Justin, Justin, pitch him...

Well, that sounds pretty good. Whoa, whoa. Whoa. Thank you for calming down. First off, thank you. Travis, did you have something you want me to add to Taz Rainey and Devil? Pitch him the firefighting movie with the Tabby Cabby. Yeah, Tabby Cabby.

Give him Tabby Cabby. Hey, I had a project. We're, you know, Lassie? John Lasseter. Yeah, Lassie. So here's the pitch. Tabby Cabby is a cat that drives a cab. And there's an ark.

You know, there's an ark. Of course, he goes to China. And there's lots... Give him the name. We've got Joey Pants attached. And we got... Joey Pants is in, basically. The ink is not spilled yet on that one, but...

Yeah, I thought it sounded pretty intriguing, too. These pretzels are making me thirsty. All right. The pretzels are making me thirsty. All right, yeah. Love that gag. Anyway, Taz, I will talk to you so soon. I'm doing the podcast.

I know, still, believe it or not. Yeah. Okay. Well, bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. You hang up first.

No, you hang up first. No, you hang up. Why don't you close just that? That was a little... I'm gonna send it. And it's there. What do you know? We don't hang up.

We just go to Money Zone. That sounds pretty good, Taz. Let's all go together. Can I tell you all about a thing that's very important, very close to me, literally and emotionally? Yeah. Yeah. Me...

I'm talking about meundies. Oh. Basically, my whole collection now is meundies. Thank you, meundies, for sending me meundies to wear. And even if you weren't sending me meundies, I'll be buying meundies because they are... They're life-changing. They have changed sort of how I even think about my zone.

They are seriously soft, feel good undies. They deliver right to your door, made from sustainably sourced micro-modal. And it's the fabric three times softer than cotton. And these are just luxurious pants that you can wear. And they come in fun designs. And you can get what? Joey pants.

Just when we were talking about Joey pants a lot, so now I will never not be able to think about Joey underpants. Okay, fine. Okay. So, MeJoes is offering you 20% off your first pair. If you use their special URL, meundies.com slash my brother, you'll get 20% off your first pair. So, go ahead, go revamp your whole underwear drawer.

You've earned it. Zag on them in 2017. Throw all your underwear away. But do it like before you've made this purchase. And so, like, when you get the meundies in, it's like a refreshing spring breeze. Once again, that's meundies.com slash my brother. Meundies.com slash my brother, get 20% off your first pair.

I would like to tell you about, I would say at this point, my brother and me favorite, pretty long-term money zone buddy. And here's the thing. I'm trying to get fit. It's a new year. Zag, zag, zag. Trying to lose a few LBs, but mostly just stay healthy. And, you know, sometimes you want to have a snack,

and you go to the pantry, you go to the fridge, and, you know, you see that bag of chips or like a thing of cookies, and you just start eating. And when you're done, you don't feel good. You might feel full, but you don't feel good. Well, let me suggest Naturebox. Naturebox is the snack foods you want, but it's not junk food.

It's food that you can eat, it tastes great, and you feel good after it's done. So you're not just like eating, you know, dry styrofoam health chips or whatever. You're having like actual snacks. You're having some like dark chocolate nom nom. You're having some, you know, some lentil rings. Sweet, salty, spicy, whatever you want.

And right now you, and it's affordable, but right now you could save even more. Naturebox is offering our fans 50% off your first order. When you go to naturebox.com slash my brother. Naturebox.com slash my brother for 50% off your first order. Go check it out, start snacking right today. I just, give me this personal message, please. And I'm only making you do it because the from field

that lists who the message is from, there's like 40 names in there. And I just really want you to tackle it. Okay. This is a message for John Newell. It's from Belwick. Nope, I already fucked up. First one up.

Let me try again. You just edit that out. Nope. This is a message for John Newell. It's from Belwick, Rulga, Rezin, Cephalus, Claria, Vespidae, Achia, Calius, Garvin, Gwyndolin, Alph-Gramir, and Bjorn. If this message had popped up on adventure zone, like it'd be a pretty easy like, oh, this is a D&D group, which it, which it is.

But it's also like the bigger, can you imagine if we did adventure zone? There were 12 fucking people on the call each week. This is so many adventurers. It's a hell of a thing. We're crossing time, planes, and storylines to congratulate you on officially becoming a Doctor of Dungeoneering. We mean literature. We pledge to keep derailing your meticulous storylines and fucking up your beautiful world,

building with our cults, chaos, cheese, crazy stealth roles, and quest for immortality for many years to come. We love you. Congratulations, John. Dr. John. Dr. John, from one DM to the other. Although, again, this is a Herculean effort that you've done here. Because three-

Maybe they're doing, I've done this before where I had a D&D league, where we had 10 people and we would swap in whoever was available that night, so we didn't have to wait. And then we would just level people up accordingly when they would step in. That would be cool if I could do that with you guys. Just replace us? Well, just like if they have a bad week, it's like, well, it should destroy out somebody else. Let's give Rothfuss a chance.

Let's see how he does in there. So congratulations, Dr. John. Sounds like you were in the right place at the right time. God, Justin. Joe, may the force be with you, Sidon. I've got a message for you, and it's from Sarah. Yerowizard. Grease, agree-

Greist, it says pronounced to Greist right after Justin. Greist, Sarah. Greist, Greist almighty, Justin. Surprise, happy new year, birthday, Valentine's Day, day we met. Special fun day or second anniversary, whether it's January, February, April, November, or December, I've got us covered. Good. After five years of friendship, I'm proud of the nerdy, loving,

healthy relationship we've built together. I love you as much as I love Hitch-Points or Harry Potter. It's HP, so it's just- Probably Harry Potter. Probably Harry Potter. I love you as much as I love, I love you as much as I love Hewlett Packard, and you love Star Wars combined. Thank you for being you, boo.

It's just a nice message. There's nothing to really congratulate them on. So birthday, I guess, it seems like with the month for the birthday. So happy birthday, Joe. I love you as much as I love Harvey Purvis, who is an accountant living in San Bernardino. Thank you, Harvey. I love you very much.

Hello, and welcome to Pod Phone. What type of podcast are you looking for? You have chosen funny podcasts about bad movies. May we recommend The Flop House. Three friends talk about bad movies and make each other and you laugh. The Flop House is playing at your ears. If you download it right now or whenever. Rate it R to purchase tickets to The Flop House.

You don't need to do that, just download it. The Flop House, rate it R for nudity, I guess. You guys want to get who? Yeah. Got a few good ones. This one was sent in by, and I apologize for how bad I'm going to pronounce this, but from Aulia Irham Weisessa, who, thank you, Aulia. It's from Yahoo Answers User.

They are anonymous. Let's call them. Todd asks, would a toaster still work in a freezer? Their subhead for this is would this create cold toast, which is fucking stupid, but the good question is there at the top. You put a fucking toaster in a freezer, run the extension cord in there, you put some good bread in there, you click it down. What even happens, right?

Because you say if you think it would get hot, well, then the freezer hasn't done its job. But if you say it gets cold, then the toaster hasn't done its job. Let me say there is a factor here, which is more of a brain puzzle to me. If you immediately take the toaster, put it in the freezer, press the thing down, I think, yes, it's still going to work because the freezer has not had time. But if you put the toaster in the freezer for, say, 20, 30 minutes, then do it. The coils, those toaster coils, they done cooled down,

and so it might come to room temperature. So you might end up with room temperature bread. Because it's a timed thing. Unless you have a toaster that operates on some kind of heat sensor, I think it's a timed thing. So you would end up with the coils would reach room temperature, but not necessarily hot enough to toast the bread. Possibly, potentially.

You're just talking out of your ass, though, Mr. Wizard. Yeah, I'm worried in having this discussion, we're ruining the new season of Bill Nye the Science Guy that's coming out. Like Bill's listening to this and he's like, fuck, that was like first episode with three quarters of the way through shooting. I don't think you could. Okay, but you couldn't close the freezer all the way. So you're going to have.

I mean, it would seal around like a small thin enough cord, like it was that like that seal thing that is on freezers. It would still seal around. I don't think that's a factor. That's a fucking easy out, just you try to fucking like, cheat your way out of this question. What's going to happen in there? Because I think I were worried about whether or not the bread's going to turn into toast.

I'm on some like, this is going to be like we're inventing time travel. Like we're on some like accidental weird science Steins Gate shit. Like I'm worried that like it's going to open up a black hole of temperature. I just don't think it'll get as toasty. Like it'll be less toasty toast, right? Probably less toasty, I would think. Why does like warmed through, but not as toasty. Why does one of them win?

Like, because in your mind, you're saying the freezer beats the toaster. Why? I think freezer beats toaster. It's bigger and it's been doing it for longer. Like the, I've been keeping things frozen in here for years. You cannot come into my house and try to toast things and expect it to fly. It's not going to fly with me. Okay, okay, if I have to.

Okay, Justin, what about this? Imagine if you will, we're going to get into some, this is all mind puzzles and not real. Keep that in mind. It's real to me. No, Griffin, we're about to go on a flight of fancy. Fuck, buckle in. Oh, fucking. All right, Ms. Frizzle, take me.

What if instead of toaster in freezer, we had a giant toaster that we put a freezer, a smaller freezer in. We started the toaster, would the freezer still keep things cold inside of it? That's a fucking banger of a question, Travis. Because I pause it that Justin is correct in a roundabout way that if you put something inside another thing, the bigger thing containing it will always be dominant because it is bigger and containing the inner vessel. And it's been in the game for longer.

I don't want to discount savvy. I feel like if you put a toaster in, okay, if you put a freezer in a giant toaster, I feel like the freezer is still going to get it done. But every time you use the toaster, the freezer is going to be like, what the fuck? Like I just got it cold in here. And you ruined everything again and you refreeze it. You're definitely going to get some ice crystals. That's going to like when that's going to be a big problem.

But I feel like the freezer won't give up. Like the freezer would never quit. Always trying to get things cold again after the toaster did its. Did its dark work. Was it possible that we get that cold, crunchy toast? Like is it possible that this is just a new fucking molecular gastronomy thing? Or it's like, this toast isn't burned or cooked at all, but it's crunchy. But it's cold.

It's a crunch like toast, but cold like ice cream. If you hope, if you toasted a like toaster pastry, toaster strudel, you know, it's got the hot filling and the hot flaky crust, right? Yeah. But then then immediately did a quick dip in some liquid nitrogen. Would the inside remain molten-taught while the outside was frozen? I think so. That would be a take.

I would jam on that. I would eat that. I mean, I probably die because I think maybe the liquid nitrogen would be bad for my tum tum. It would be bad for you. This reminds me of the scene in the brave old toaster where the brave old toaster went up to the freezer and was like 1v1 me motherfucker. Can I do a different like, I didn't think that that Yahoo was going to have money legs. And I also feel this way about this one.

Can I do like a two for two for one? Yeah, two for one sale. This was sent by Rachel Rosen. Game recognized game, Rachel Rosen. Thank you, Rachel. It's by Yahoo Answers. User J who asks, in Italian cuisine, is it appropriate to mix two different types of pasta? I had lunch at a recently opened restaurant in my area.

And one of the pasta dishes I saw served at the table diagonally for me had both spaghetti and fessucin, maybe tagliatelle in white sauce with clams. I'm not sure what it's called. First thing came to mind was, wow, that's different. But the more I think about it, mixing two types of pasta together doesn't sound right at all. To reiterate my question, in Italian cuisine, is it appropriate to mix two different types of pasta? I read this and I don't know how much there's a talk about here,

but I also imagined spaghetti macaroni together, just chilling together in a bowl with some sauce. And I was like, hey, that's the most wax shit I think I've ever heard of in my entire life. Yeah, good luck finding which fork to use. Because do I use my macaroni fork or do I use my linguini fork? I don't know. There's also different techniques. There's different pursuit techniques.

Yeah, for sure. If you do the swirl, you know that big, silly swirl that people like to do where they do a big, silly swirl and then they put it on a spoon and eat it like that? Like that's one way of doing it. Like they made it like that. Like that Donald Duck style, like, ouch. Like they made a pasta nest that they're going to roost in for a bit? You're not going to get, you may be, you may get all macaroni,

like singular. I don't know what the singular of macaroni is, but you might get one macaroni in there. You know, I would like to be in the kitchen of this restaurant where like the chef reached for the box of pasta or whatever. I was like, ooh, there's not enough of this dish. And there was like a solid like five minute like rushed, like heated but whispered conversation

about like, can we convince like a customer that mixing two pastas is a thing and not just because we ran out of this kind of pasta halfway through the dish? It's like, yeah, I call this a fettagetti. Enjoy. I love Guy Fettagetti. I've been watching a lot of his stuff since we got cable. Now, exception to this. If we could somehow thread the most tender angel hair pasta

through the juiciest macaroni noodles. Into a beautiful necklace. Into a beautiful edible necklace that we would serve to you on my, on while I'm wearing it. And you would have to, it's the on your friend's hairy body. This is my naked brother, Griffin. I've coded him in chains. Hello.

Thank you, Griffin. Griffin, I did ask you not to speak. Please, you'll move the noodles. I've layered him much like chain mail, but it's noodle mail. It's noodle mail armor where I've threaded a lovingly threaded spigot through the macaroni noodles and made him sort of an edible armor. So now he's just sort of a noodle boy for you to enjoy. Enjoy this noodle boy.

Yes, I am working on a jingle. I don't have a tune yet, but it's coming along. Noodles and noodles on this beautiful boy. It's something like that. Just one moment. I'm all plain. I'm feeling a bit under the weather. Time to get a visit from the sauce doctor.

And then the sauce doctor come and just dumps it on me. And then I'm ready to go. It's going to get messy, I say. See, I love this because this is both fitting in the most upscale Italian restaurant and also could double as like a Cirque du Soleil performance. So it's like it's a performance art right there at your table. And people love that because sometimes it's a magician or sometimes it's like a fun band who like walks around the restaurant place.

And sometimes it's a naked boy wearing macaroni mithril and you just eat it off of them. What's hard is though, you know that eventually Griffin's going to get some job offers from from somebody else, maybe pasta garden or Marty Scorsese. And he's going to have to quit and there's going to be a new boy. And everybody's going to say, I really liked the flavors different. I think off the new boy than the old one. I prefer the old noodle boy. I like noodle boy classic.

The old noodle boy Griffin had a almost like a Parmesan grime. So I'm, I guess I'm a little bit disappointed. I'm so excited about this question. Please. The other day I was spending quality time with one of my best friends when he mentioned that he was starting to cook breakfast for himself. This was fine. But the way he said it struck me is on as odd.

I've been frying eggs instead of just having cereal. Yeah, but cereal is good. I replied. I do like it. Nothing beats a nice warm bowl of cereal. I inquired further and ascertained that he has been microwaving the milk for his normal breakfast cereal, his entire life. What?

Help. Am I good? And that's from Toasty in Toledo. I love that this person recognizes this is such a breach of trust that they are curious if they are good for here. They are good by association. The answer is no, obviously. You are ruined.

What could you have been? Why? Who did this to you? Who hurt you back in the day? Someone did this to you as a child. I'll tell you who did it to them as a child. Fucking cocoa eats. Cocoa eats did their dark things and they're like,

this is going to be your jam. It's like cereal but hot. It could also just be oatmeal, like oatmeal in general. They're like, this is good, but what if checks? No, nah, nah. They do it with grape nuts. People will sell you this on grape nuts, where if you heat it up, it's just, I mean, hi, it's just in here.

If you pour milk on grape nuts and heat it up, that's gruel. That's gruel that you make at home. It's only just sad. You're having grape nuts and it's time to spice it up for yourself. The reason the grape nuts. Just sit down and eat it as quickly as you can and move on with your day. The reason that grape nuts tells you to do that is because maybe you'll heat the milk up too much and burn your tongue so bad that you don't realize how fucking shitty grape nuts taste.

That's why they tell you to do that. The fact that you are doing this to cinnamon toast crunch, when I could eat the cinnamon toast crunch with a cold milk, makes me so angry. Do you know, this falls into a category, it's a very slim category, but a category of like breakfast that then asks you to take one more step. Like before frosty miniweeds were mini and it was just one giant wheat that you yourself were supposed to break up. Like no, the process is pour milk, eat.

There is no other step in the middle of this. Now that is still how shredded wheat is distributed. Yes, I will hate it. I hate that. I agree with you. Also, I think people eat shredded wheat hot. I think that's another thing that people are doing. I'd fuck with that.

I get down with that. Yeah. And I actually like the hot grape nuts too. You have just added a second. You have shred the wheat yourself and then heat it. That's two more steps in what is supposed to be a, oh no, I've only got two minutes before the carpool gets here. Like milk cereal done out the door.

There's, I think I could get behind this under the shredded wheat's claws. But also if you worked at like, if you were like a construction worker in Buffalo and like you showed up to the site and they were like, hey, Danny, what are you eating today? And you were like, I'm having some hot rings. And they're like hot rings. What are those? I heated up my Cheerio milk and you slobber it out of the thing on a cool blustery winter day. I think that that would be acceptable.

Hot rings for a construction worker is acceptable in Buffalo. But that's about, that's basically it. Otherwise, I don't want to hear about your Hot Cheerios. This is sort of like the first time I tried to make warm milk for myself because I'd been sold that as a sleep aid. And then I tried to drink it with my own mouth and I, it was, it's absolutely repellent. And the fact that you would bring something like that into the blessed bond of cereal and cold milk is honestly hugely offensive to me.

It's hugely offensive. Can I read another question that makes me really happy and as we near the end of February, the February question list will fall off. And I just want to say this out loud. I want to put this out in the world. We don't even have to discuss it so much as I just want to say it today. As I was painting sets for the school play, my drama teacher came in to get a can of paint and spilled it all over the floor.

She then said, uh, this makes me so bad. I could, I'm so mad. I could bust a nut. I think she thinks bust a nut is an angry version of the phrase bust a gut. It is. I told her to never say that phrase ever again, but she just laughed and took it as old people like you shouldn't use slang. My question is, how do I make my 60 year old teacher never say bust a nut ever again

without having to explain to her what it means. And that's from, and I still have to clean up the paint. There's a typo in this. And I believe the typo is when you said don't. Yeah. And it said, as much as humanly fucking possible, get your 60 year old teacher to say bust a nut. This woman is a walking story.

She is a walking story that she gifts to people who are around when she does something that makes her angry and she says the bad, wrong, very, very funny, good thing. Assumably. Assumably she's using the wrong thing. And it is, it is very selfish of you to say, I would like to be the last recipient of this story because we might get another question. We've probably gotten questions about this very person before. You don't want to, you don't want to be the person that brings that story to an end.

You are also in a position where in the middle of class you could, you could get into a fake fight with somebody and yell one more word out of you. And I am going to bust a nut in this place and your teacher would just be lolling. Like your teacher would be loving it and everyone would, would look at you. Miss Stevens is cool as shit. She's just laughing this off. Yeah. I thought she'd give him a pay slip, but no, no dice.

She's loving it. Maybe we should all talk about busting a nut. And now it's a thing. That's the thing is now you have the opportunity to like the next time you get mad with a group of friends to say, oh, this is making me so mad. I could bust a nut and everyone says, excuse me, what? Sorry. And then you say, ah, okay.

Thank you for inquiring. And then you tell them the story. And now this is weird because you can travel back in time to make this phrase make sense the way she's using it because now you're going to start this. And in 20 years, people will be using bust a nut to describe how mad they are. And she started that. Are you suggesting this person contort the fabric of language around this person? Yes.

That doesn't correct them. Inception. This is inception to busting a nut. It always comes back around. You do this nut busting chuckle routine for like a month and like a month later in that drama class, your friend Derek is like, man, I'm so frustrated over here. I'm about to jizz. And your teacher's like, Derek, leave the principal's office now.

We don't use words like that. No. No. We don't say jizz in this class. We don't say jizz in that. You've made me so frustrated. I'm about to seriously bust a nut right here. What if you could product your teacher if I was like, Miss Stevens, um,

bust a nut means if she's like, I know exactly what it means. Hilarious, right? Oh, shit. Miss Stevens is funny as fuck. Oh my God. That I can't wait to be 60 now. I'm going to run this con on everybody. Oh, she doesn't know.

Oh, I know. Oh, I know. Oh, I know. I've always known. Oh, he's known. Inception. What a good teacher. What a good, what a good time.

What a great teacher. I remember. What a great teacher. Thank you for meeting President Obama. I was wondering if you could call my favorite teacher. It would be very, it would be very special to her if you could just give her. Sure. What kind of impact did she have on your life?

Well, all right. So check this shit out. Hey, get Joey in here. He's going to love this. Whatever. Joey's the one that convinced her. Joey comes in and is like, yeah, bust a nut means you're angry, right? Joey, Joey, you got me.

By the way, I just want everybody to know I'm not going to die on this nut busting cross to change the language to contort around your teacher. I will not give up busting nut. No, it's an important phrase. Justin, your, your, your obstinance is making me so angry. I could bust a nut. I don't stop. Like, don't do it because what you're going to do is this will not extend beyond our,

our community and we are just going to lose the ability to tell whether people are angry or horny. Yeah. Or both or both in some cases. That's going to do it for us. I think, yeah, we're done. That's the end of this podcast for this week. All right.

So we, this is our big pitch. Okay. If you like us at all, we've got a TV show coming out on CISO, which is a comedy streaming service run by NBC. It's at CISO.com is where you can sign up and what all. But there is also an Apple TV app. There's a Roku app. There's a iOS app.

It is, it is US only. But if you could just go ahead and go watch our TV show, it comes out February 23rd. And we would really, we would really appreciate it. We think you'll like it. We also just, we have a ton of people on our Facebook group. We have a spin off Facebook page for specifics about the TV show because not everybody can watch it yet. We don't want to spoil anything or what have you.

So if you search for MB, MBAM TV show, I think it pops up there on the, on the book. So you can sign up for that if you want to talk about the show. And just to clarify, because we made that TV show thing. So if you try to post stuff on about the TV show on the regular podcast group, it's going to get denied. We like, we want to make sure that we keep that specific stuff. Specific stuff about the episodes that are, that are going up. Not maybe not more general things, but I just also want to say, like just the absolute fact

of the matter is like, we would not have had this opportunity if it weren't for you all through over the past almost seven years, spreading the word about the show, listening to the show, reviewing the show, all that stuff. And we really owe it to you and we'll be forever indebted to you. And we hope we made something that will delight you because that was the absolute 100% only ideal that we had in mind when we were making the show. So thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you.

And, and just as a reminder, I also want to say the mods Rachel and Wes and Anthony and Lucy and Stormy who are mods on the podcast group are also the mods on the TV show group. And they're working really hard, but, you know, it takes a while to sort through all the membership requests because we want to make sure that we keep, you know, that we don't get spam accounts in there and everything. And they also work really hard to sort through everybody's posts. And it can take a while. And we've given them fairly specific guidelines as far as like what kind of stuff

should be approved and what shouldn't. So just know it can be, you know, you might have to wait a while. Like get denied. But yeah, please be patient with them. They're working really, really hard and it is a completely thankless job. But we sure appreciate it. Like we literally don't thank them. No, not at all.

But this, I thank you all very much. I want to thank, I want to thank John Rodger in the long winters for the use of theme song. It's a part drop the album, Putting the Days to Bed. It's also the theme song for the TV show. I saw a lot of people like excited that we got to use it for that, for that, for the TV show when the premiere episode came out. And we were super excited too because like it would have been weird to put them like,

and now my bim bam. Like some shitty song. That was what I think a shitty song sounds like. Although really it was kind of a banger. Like it hadn't like a nice sort of. That was good and bad. Yeah. It was polyphonic spree level right there.

So we have the live show in Austin in May. Oh, geez. Um, May, what is it? What day? What are we doing? I think 20th and 21st. Is that right? Yeah, that sounds right.

That was really quite sure. No one knows when. But so May, I believe it's May 20th and 21st. It is Saturday, Saturday the 20th and Sunday the 21st. And those tickets are going on sale this week. You know, I know that, I listen, you know, if they sell out, I know that sucks. But just in case, make sure, you know, know when it's going to happen. Be ready for it.

Camp out on the website, I guess. Yes. Um, the link is going to be bit.ly forward slash Austin MB, MB, AM 2017, 2017. And if you want to see Adventure Zone, that ticket link is going to be bit.ly slash Taz Austin 2017. It's not up yet. I believe the tickets go on sale the 24th. So let me, let me get the exact time for you so I can let you know.

They're going to go on sale 10 a.m. Central Standard Time. What is that? No one knows what that is. That's the time zone our brother lives in. Hi. That Austin exists in. So it's like 11 a.m. It's normal here.

A normal time minus one. They're going to go on sale Friday, the 24th, 10 a.m. Central Time. bit.ly forward slash Austin MB, MB, AM 2017. It's going to be fun. We're doing MB, MB, AM and Adventure Zone. So it'll be a hoot. So y'all went that final hit me. So I send it by Paige Andrews Johnson.

Thank you Paige. It's the Yahoo Answers user. Another anonymous column. Hieronymus asked, is it immature when a guy says penis power during sex? My name is Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. He's been my brother, my brother and me.

Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. I'm Vez. And I'm Teresa.

And we host the weekly comedy podcast One Bad Mother. We celebrate our moments of parenting genius. As well as our failures. I'm just like, we're going to have hot dogs. And I'm like, no, we're having fun. Everybody loves hot dogs. And it just like smashes that thing right on my chest. And then I'm just crying in the middle of like kids space

while people are like literally dancing with their children. Parenting can be sad and painfully funny at the same time. So join us each week as we admit that this is hard, but we're getting really good at it. Find us at Maximumfun.org or wherever you download podcasts.