My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 354: Beanfreak

Episode Date: May 8, 2017

We don't know about you, but we're still feeling that post-Derby glow. Seeing all those big, magnificent animals do their best out on that sloppy, sloppy track has prepared us for whatever life has to throw at us this week. GOD, horses are good. Suggested talking points: Creamy Dream, Collaberal, Horrible Triangles, Foot Locker Strategy Guide, Houseboats, Batman's Very Tight Suit, Mindfreak Magic Kit

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother, and me. I'm your oldest brother, Justin Tyler McElroy. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother and 30 under 30 media luminary griffin McElroy, and it's an advice show for the Modrenare. I don't know why Justin didn't say that this time. Do you hear that, boys?

Do you hear that, boys? When you hear hoofbeats, think Derby, not zebras. Oh, I'm sorry. Derby time. It's Derby time, everybody, but on your cool hats, there's ribbons and mine has two pinwheels. I have created a little game. Out of the Derby competitors, I have made a list of names, sets of three. One name is real, so you were made up. Griffin, you're going to go first. Tell me which of these names. Two things. If we play this game with you, do we have to pay royalties? We do have to give a yeah, I do money. The other thing is that I watched it, so I'm going to fucking destroy you. I watched it. I got a miah julep in my hand, and I drank it.

Drank it down smooth, and I got fucking blitzed, and I watched the Derbys go. Combine the two worlds of the Derby griffin, get a big wide brimmed hat, and then tape two mint juleps to the sides of each side of the hat, and then you take a straw down. Sorry, mount julep, and then have big straws that come down to your mouth from the hat. That's the only way to Derby, just scientifically speaking. All right, give me these fucking horses. I want to talk about the Derby more, so let's play Travis's game first. Okay, which of these names is real griffin?

Thundersnow, Earth, Wind, and Lightning. That's fake. Pants on fire. None of those are real. I'm sorry, Thundersnow is correct. No, it wasn't. No, come on. It wasn't in the race. I watched the race, and there was no Thundersnow. It was Thundersnow. Thundersnow placed. Let me see here. Thundersnow didn't do great 20th out of 20th. Okay, here's my thing on horse racing, and I've got a whole bit that you guys are just going to love on this. First place, you win. Your owner gets a million dollars,

and you get to bust the deepest nut ever that night. Congratulations. Two, three, four, five, you get the wreath, and I guess your owner still gets a considerable amount of money, but you just get to bust a regular nut. Five through 10, you're fine. Anything after that, they should have a collapsible pit that just opens up on the track that all of the horses just fall down into the pony pile, and then the pit opens back up, and then we don't talk about those horses ever again. 20th place, are you fucking kidding me? 20th place, 10th on the underground pile. That's it. You're done. I would own Thundersnow. Listen, the owner of Thundersnow, if you're looking to

get him off your hands, I'll take it. Travis, you don't have to own Thundersnow. Thundersnow got thoroughly fucking owned yesterday in that race. It got put in its place by fucking, what was the winner? Cream Dream, and I think Cream Dream won it. Was number one Cream Dream? All right, Justin, which of these names is real? If Cream Dream is one of the three, it's real. Justin, slow and steady, fast and accurate, sloppy boy. All three describe me as sex. I wish sloppy boy was real, but I think it's fast and accurate. It is fast and accurate. That is correct.

That's a bullshit name for a horse. Four legs and hooves. It's like what? Long head and big body. Griffin, pinch me I'm dreaming, guaranteed winner or state of honor. State of honor is real. State of honor is real. State of honor coming like third, I think. I watched that one. I'm not kidding. State of honor was fourth. Oh, no, sorry. State of honor was, oh no, state of honor was 19th. In the pile. Travis, can we bring your game to an abrupt end? But I have, okay, wait, let me give you this last one, Justin.

Okay, last one. Billiom's, Steffily or Gervin? Gervin. Gervin is correct. Welcome to my brother and my brother and me. I'm Gervin McElroy. I'm Steffily. Three of the, I pulled up the list after Travis's game was over. There are three different horses in this fucking race out of 20 or two or something. There's three fucking horses that sound like someone trying to pronounce Griffin's name

and failing. Gormly. Gormly is a, there's a Gervin, there's a Gunnavera, and there's a Gormly. Wait, is it Gormly McElroy? No, it's not Gormly McCracken. Gormly McCracken? McCracken's another one, by the way. I'm 30 under 30. Gormly, sweet, cream, dream McCracken. It's Gormly McCrack, no, Gervin? It's his great podcast that's in McCracken Brothers,

and the littlest one is such a card. Gorpulds. I celebrated the, I celebrated the Derby, which was also a free comic book day. So I was downtown, stopped by Purple Earth, got some books, and I went to the press club for lunch, which is like a, it's kind of like a bar restaurant kind of vibe. So we're sitting at Panini's, hence the press in the name, you get it. Yeah. There was two things about this. One, it's buck wild that there's two hours of coverage for an event no one cares about any other day of the year for 15 seconds of event. That's fine. To fill that, one of the segments I saw was, you know, there's celebrities here, and they're like,

here are the celebrities, Harry Connick Jr., Travis Tritt, end of montage. That was rough year for the Derb, but as we're the only people in the restaurant, as we are waiting for the race to begin, I mean, we're not, we're eating pizza, but the race was about to begin. An elderly gentleman comes in and just stands at the bar, staring at the screen, gets himself a beer, drains it, and as the race begins, he just starts yelling, come on. Like that will make the race, like that'll make the race begin faster or? Come on. No, as the race has begun, he's yelling, come on, but he's not mentioning any horses. So it gives it, it gives him the vibe of like, he's just trying to be encouraging. Like,

he just wants all the horses to come on a bit faster. He wants a good race. Yeah. He just wants a good, good race out there. Important question. At the end of the race, did he pull some sort of paper stub out of perhaps a breast pocket, tear it up and jump up and down on it? No, that's the, he, oh, this is the other thing. When the race is over, no reaction. Like he, I guess he's just in it for speed. He just loves the speed or something because he did not care who won or lost. He just wanted him to come on. Maybe he just, he really likes watching or like he is committed to watching the Derby, but doesn't actually enjoy doing it. And like, he just knows like, maybe there's a group of people at work who always talk about

the Derby and he's like, I'm going to watch it this year. But as soon as he started, it was like, I already hate this. Come on, please. Just finish it. Finish it. So yeah, Derby, Derby again, Derby time, but congratulations to Cream Dreams, the winner. That's not the name. That's not it. Just Googled about thundersnow. Injury on the track. Muddy. I said, this track will, this race will have at least one horse destruction by the end of the day. You listen to me. Thundersnow had a bad buck coming out the paddock and I was sure I was almost certain. But no, he said, put that fucking gun away, Jeremy. Not to me. I'm thundersnow. I'm too proud. And so I think he's okay. Scary moment though. You see a horse take a bad break out the paddock and you think like,

is this it? Is this it for our hero thundersnow? One of the, one of the horses was named after an issue we've had while recording the show before and it's called Jayboy's Echo. Sometimes Jayboy does get a little bit of echo from the headphones. Jayboy's Echo has been an issue that we've had to negate with some audio VST plugin. Another one. There's another horse here named after another issue that we have on the show and it's called iRap. And my name is Griffin and I hear to say that I love these horses in a major way. I wish there could just be a 20-way tie. I wish all these horses could finish at the same time and they could all just bust all their nuts that night. Oh, the big, I will say, Griffin, when I first saw that the Derby

hit occurred, the headline I read was always dreaming takes first on a sloppy track. They said always dreaming in the headline because they can't like our fucking our news quote unquote papers. That's one doesn't get quotes because it is on paper. They're too fucking chicken shit to say cream dream in a headline. They're too chicken shit to put that on the one. Yeah, always creaming because now he just gets the bus nuts list and right good work if you can get it. Ha-chee-chee-chee. Sex. So anyway, Derby, it's got horses. We're going to talk about it. That's the law. But that's not all we do here on the show. We help people and we give them advice to help them. And I'd like to do that right now with our first question. And here we go.

At dinner with my in-laws the other night, I found out about a vacation package they had purchased off the internet and were inviting myself and my ESO to join them on. A simple Google search led me to find the package was likely a scam and that the company behind it had a long list of scam complaints in the past. Oof. My question though is what's the best way to tell a friend or loved one that they have been scammed without making them feel stupid or angry or ruining their vacation? I feel guilty for not telling them but also don't want them to go on their vacation and let them get scammed anyway. That's from scammed by Scandals and Scoundrels and Sydney. Unless I missed a factor here, I don't think they're going to go on said vacation. Unless it's

a weird scam, I'm not aware of where the person both gets scammed but also gets to go to Hawaii. It's nice. One of these where they send you a picture of a boat and they're like 10,000 bucks and we'll take you on the cruise of your life and you show up and it's just a big picture of a boat. Captain Ron is there but like... Captain Ron's there but he's there to just like take some pictures with you with this good boat picture and he says, yeah, I hope it was worth it. And it kind of is. It kind of is. He's great. This is, I mean, you got to say something. You don't want them showing up and getting... Well, but think about it this way. How do you say to them without sounding like you're saying, hey, stupid, I looked this up. Why didn't you look this up?

This is a scam. It took me five seconds to figure out. Even if that's not your tone of voice, which God help me, it should not. But like, there's no way to say like, hey, a brief Google search, let me know that y'all been taken. Well, I think that's probably better than, well, we'll be taking your house now. Goodbye. Like, I think that that's probably, they would prefer to hear from you about the scam rather than like, you don't own your, your home anymore. I think they would prefer that, right? What about you? Do you have a certain set of skills that will help you to save your in-laws from the scam taken for? Taken, it's a very low stakes taken. Yes. You didn't even, how did you even get here without Googling it accidentally? Cooltrips.biz. Sounds good to me.

800,000. Here you go. I'll take out a second mortgage. Here you go. Where are we going? That's not important. Don't worry about it. It'll be a fun trip for four. Good for me. Where to? Not important. Amazing right style, baby. Cue it up, Phil. Cue it up, Phil Keegan. Let's do this shit. When I worked at Best Buy and we would like ask people if they wanted to sign up for credit cards and stuff for the store. Like part of it was we needed your social security number. There is a certain generation, I'm not going to say 100% in time, but that is more statistically likely to both be very wary of people in uniforms at a store they are standing in asking for their social security number who will also give away whatever information you want for a trip to the

Bahamas or a boat or whatever. Yeah. I don't know what the disk, but like, hi, you see my face, I'm standing behind a Best Buy desk. Can I have your, no, no, no, I don't trust that. Okay, ooh, a flashing window popped up on my computer. Don't mind if I do. I'll punch the fuck out of this monkey. Wait, you're going to give me a cruise too? Oh shit. Just for punching the monkey? Fuck yeah. Punching the monkey once? Internet's great. I hate to do this guys, but at this point I'm going to have to bring it up. The grifter's code. Now here's the problem. Oh shit. If you are running, if you hear, tell about a grift and it sets off your alarm bells, and if you've been in the game for a while, you know them all. The back alley preacher, the

the gore van, the seven watches, the sloppy boy, the creamy snow, the bubblegum violin, you know all the arc and saw creamy dream. I think if you detect a grift and then you alert the grift, you have got to be prepared for the next time you're running a grift. Call full circle. They're coming for you in a major way. Keep spinning that big wheel. What if you collapse? No, I'm trying to think of the name of the show. What's the show? Is it collateral? No. Collaboral. That's it. Where you grift the grifter. Oh shit, it's collateral. Yeah. Yeah, you're the first grift. Yeah, you need a captain for your boat? Yeah, I guess so. How much money? $20,000. Are you a very good captain? You know it. You know I'm the best captain,

best in the biz. You're not going to find a captain for cheaper than the exact amount of money my in-laws, I mean, those two marks gave you a little lingo. The show was leverage. I'm very mad at myself that I couldn't pull leverage. I love that show. I know for a fact the creator of leverage has listened to our products before, and I'm very sorry we couldn't pull the name of leverage. I know, right? Sorry we called your show collateral. It's definitely not that. It's just, it's... Oh my goodness. Is it Derby's time? I want a month's squad. I thought we were doing all of them. Squad. Bunch of people sent this one in, and I am really excited about it. I think that if you've been paying, a lot of people, a lot more people are paying attention to

the scene than they were before. Is it, quick question, is it these horrible triangles? The horrible triangles sound pretty tasty right now. I have a side path real quick. KFC has a romance novel from other days called Tender Wings of Desire. Very, very funny. You're definitely going to want to pick that one up. Literal? Wait. Is this... Everything... The sentence I said is true. Parc it later. Moving on, Naked Chicken is back. Naked Chicken... Naked Chicken has become a brand of the Taco Bell hive mind, and the only odd thing about that is the name was accepted for the Naked Chicken Chalupa, which of course was chicken instead of a shell, so the Naked thing made sense.

But now they're twisting a little bit with Naked Chicken Chips. It's taking all three of those fucking words. You've modified it. Go on. I'm so excited because I have, which has become a rarity. A lot of these companies are not putting out these press releases anymore. I think they onto me. That's fine. But this one does have a big release, and I'm really excited because this is May 11th. This is happening. I'm getting on big release. Do you mean diarrhea? Here's the first side of this press release. Taco Bell went and did it again. Yes, I agree. That sentence should be preceded by uh-oh. Oh no. Taco Bell went and did it again. First, they created a taco shell made entirely of crispy

marinated white meat chicken. Now they've done the same with chips, complete with here's an adjective you never knew existed, and now wish you could put it away. Dipable nacho cheese sauce. Dipable nacho cheese. Consider the inverse. Undippable nacho cheese sauce. Unpenetratable. Unpenetratable. It's straight cheesy oo black. It fucking like as much force as you can put into this thing. It's going to push right the fuck back. Now with unfathomable nacho cheese. Just try to plumb the depths of this nacho cheese. I'd like to welcome back to the show a woman I've come to think of as the fourth McElroy brother, Marissa Thalberg, chief marketing officer at Taco Bell, who says, the world wasn't ready to say goodbye to naked chicken. Neither were we. Thank you Marissa Thalberg

for interrupting my grieving process. The world's grieving and you've you've righted the ship just when you thought it couldn't get any better. That word doesn't mean what I think it means anymore. We went and added our famous nacho cheese to expose the traditional chips and cheese combo like only Taco Bell can. The word is exposed that Marissa has chosen this time. We're exposing chips and cheese to this fucking radioactive concept of naked chicken. These are, I'm sorry, triangular chicken wedges, right? These are these are nuggets of a sort that are maybe it sounds like maybe breaded embarrassed with Dorito fixings and you just dip them in nacho. These are chicken tenders that are triangular in no I don't want to get it. I think to me I'm not interested in

talking about like fucking Buzzfeed runs a post saying like a hot dog's a sandwich and then everybody just gets really angry about it for a long time. I don't want to get into that sort of semantic argument. These are chicken tenders in no making something triangle shaped does not make it a chip. That is the most wax shit I've ever heard. There's only one way in which it is a chip griffin and that is literally if they just took like fried chicken skin and there's no meat to whatsoever. I'm gonna I'm gonna yards now. There's um part of this press release which I'm not gonna get in the price. Let me say these chips are extremely affordable in the monetary sense. I need I need to know the prices I'm sorry. Six piece for 199 or 12 piece for 3.99. That's not

getting a deal if you get 12. Um sorry. Um one of those things is especially is that uh is this paragraph naked chicken isn't the only thing that's back. The council for eating fried chicken the same way you always have a group dedicated to the preservation of traditional chicken values. The first surface during the launch of the naked chicken chalupa have already begun their marketing campaign against naked chicken chips. What is this? They deem equally as bold and dangerously delicious. This is of course a fake thing that Taco Bell yeah yeah yeah yeah it's a fake thing that Taco Bell made up of like people who are a fake group who's like thinks that this is the road to hell is paved with fried chicken in different shapes. I which is of course a joke and it's it's marketing and

whatever but I do think it reveals something of the Taco Bell psyche that like on some level they know they have to create their own Moriarty. Yeah. Like they do like no one's stopping us and the guilt that we feel is actually manifested in us creating an anti-taco bell like we're paying money for an anti-taco bell to nip it on your heels at every turn. I mean it's very sad. This is so that when we do things like this and we talk about it that they can be like well yeah of course they're part of the council and then everyone gets to discount our statements. They could have saved a lot of money by bringing me in to be the counter Taco Bell and be like Griffin McElroy in the press was like Griffin McElroy of my brother my brother and me in 30 under 30 media

luminary said this sounds fucking nasty and I don't know why Taco Bell you think you are going to become my my number one chicken source. You all don't know fucking anything about this chicken game and to be honest if this is the heat you're bringing dippable nacho cheese sauce with little triangles that have probably been flavor of overblasted with whatever seasoning you're bringing to the table. I think it sounds pretty nasty Griffin said hey fuck that guy come come get these little guys. Can I actually like I know that you made up the council for eating fried chicken the same way you always have as a joke but like can I join that? Can I donate lots of money to the can I give like 10% of my paycheck to the good chicken council? Yeah can we just do that

is there are there groups like I always thought family values groups were horseshit growing up and broadly speaking yes yes they are absolutely are groups yes obviously but if there are groups devoted to the values of eating chicken in not fun shapes like I would probably join up I would probably get on board with that if it was a feasible organization. Do y'all want to Yahoo? Yes yeah yeah I do Griffin and while you're doing that I'm going to run a quick who is on this chicken council try to figure out who is who is who's bankrolling the whole thing. Fucking wiki leaks over here getting at it getting at the code. Yeah this one is sent in by Tristan Hyatt thank you Tristan it's Yahoo answers user anonymous

we're gonna call him Reggie asks weird question how do you shop at Foot Locker? Yeah I've never understood it where do they keep the actual shoes do you have to talk to an employee I hope this question doesn't seem dumb I've kind of been in one for like two minutes felt out of place I saw a few boxes but I just left after that this is this is a this is a valuable service because I there have been lots of times do you see remember when it was Travis and yours birthday's coming up and we wanted to get him present and so we went to the vitamin store to buy some vitamins and we got said we got said get out of here they said you don't have any money or more or less this is not a jokie joke

so we said this is a store where all the things are pretty expensive and Justin you had that olive garden money and you're like oh yeah I guess you don't want these OG bucks and then we left the store and we felt like really huffy and superior for the rest of the day you just made a big mistake huge huge mistake I was gonna buy all the protein for my brother as a birthday gift did you end up getting me just to walk down memory lane do y'all remember no but I mean okay you know how you're all like fucking scrawny and shriveled up now like these days my defining feature how tiny I am you're all fucking tiny and wispy and weak and it's because we weren't able to buy you these pills that you needed to get yoked but anyway

ah man two paths diverged you know what I mean and you took the one sliding doors you took the one of just like a little tiny like a baby's body but anyway how do you shop at full out there like a welcome to wienerville body like a wienerville situation I just think that there's lots of discomfort about going into certain stores to shop I feel it when I go into j crew because it's a one echelon level higher than the clothes store that I usually shop at and I feel like I'm going to embarrass myself in there and obviously this person's struggling at footlocker so I think we could do a little prima strategy guide a little game facts for footlocker what I find interesting about this question Griffin is that Reggie's concern is like the actual mechanics yeah whereas

my my embarrassment when I walk into footlocker is like I don't know how to ask where like the shoes for sitting around and not playing sports are they got them they got them they got all kinds of they got fashion they got casual they got all kinds of stuff I'm just so afraid to ask because I'm afraid I'll walk in and they'll be like you don't sport and I'll just run out crying no no no they're right that's a common misconception this is page one of the strategy guys just like be confident I think when you walk in there like it doesn't matter what you need these shoes for footlockers gotcha now Griffin they are also dressed I believe the sporting term is referees so it's just number two in the like page two in the strategy guide like don't be it they're not

gonna call some sort of foul on you can you imagine okay that's that's what I was worried about that I come in and I'd be like um I don't know my size and they're like that's a red card you're out of here yeah yeah that's a sports thing um juicer you still counter programming the Taco Bell website or are you in the bit with us no I'm here in the bit I just I I just don't have much to add about foot the last time I was in a footlocker they had some shoes in glass cases okay that's not a joke and you could like read about them so like number three is like don't get freaked out when you see that like I'd be afraid if I saw that that I was gonna accidentally steal some shoes from footlocker and it's like just don't you know it's not a museum you're not robbing it

um sometimes you have to say that to people like when they're shopping in a store like sometimes I walk on a best buy and I think like I hope I don't actually steal some I you know I don't want to be I don't want to accidentally steal something here yeah you want to on purpose well I want to make the decision yeah yeah now Travis knows how hard the LP is at Best Buy they've got eyes on everybody I wouldn't try to sneak out of that place with anything yeah like I'd be like if I was shoplifting from Best Buy and I saw Travis this little Wienerville baby body I'd be like oh no that's fair um just looks like five bro five broomsticks it is easy though to steal uh shoes shoes from the footlocker because all you do is you go into the changing

room and then you put on the new shoes and you put your old shoes back in the box and then you say like I you know I decided I don't want these and you just walk out Jesus Travis this is a strategy guide for how to shop at footlocker and you just told people go for it basically I think it's safe though because I don't actually think they have changing rooms to change your shoes so you I might have given some bogus advice there Griffin let me ask you a different question for the strategy guide how do you shop at footlocker well I've been in the footlocker and I've seen basketball hoops oh yeah like is there any risk of a game breaking out that I would have to participate in um I mean it would be pretty loud like the sound of a basketball being dribbled is

like pretty loud so like you wouldn't I think you'd have enough time to probably get out of the store but again take those shoes off you don't want to um thieve from them how do you get the shoes that are right for you at footlocker though um because like what's a good fit I think for like a Reebok well that I actually do know the answer to Griffin because here's the thing the only people who work at footlocker are passionate about shoe sales they love it so if you go up to any one of them and say I I don't even know what I'm looking for I am a blank canvas upon which you can paint your masterpiece they are going to love the opportunity to really stretch their imaginations and their creativity to find the right shoe for you they'll take care of everything you just have

a seat and no matter what questions they ask you say surprise me and I think that's probably the best way to buy don't even tell them your shoe size let them figure that out because that's going to make their whole day now juice I've got a tum I've got a juice I've got a question here from somebody about footlocker and I was hoping you could help them answer it and it's it's an honor it's an anonymous ask.fm they and they asked they said that they always have stinky feet and so like they don't want to offend any of the um umpires or whatever and so they just asked they said Justin what do I do about that I just measure yourself uh ask if they have a booklet about how to work that little slide thing okay and then just sit there for a half hour and

piece it together yourself that's gonna take a while though I mean it's I will I don't want to make a day of it they'll give they'll bring you a cold drink if it takes too long to figure out your shoe size do you think you need you need to pack your lunch yourself though yeah but do pack a lunch does anybody own those at home and they come in and like put your foot in this scale and then you could say to them like don't worry about it I used my foot scale at home and I'll tell you exactly the size it is do you think they're on amazon because like the problem boys is you're dealing with like a cubit situation where the scale at pay less is different yes every store has their own well that's how they and that's how they fuck you right yeah um I can't understand

sort of where this person was coming from because if you go there and you just see one shoe on a shelf you certainly are going to wonder like well what do I do about that there's a I well I mean I'm so wait is there another one if I take one out will another one just slide into its place like a cook machine like no it's that's obviously the most popular fashionable shoe that everybody's wearing and you fucking buy that shoe and you shut up about it because you don't know that much about shoes obviously if you're having this much trouble with it you just got to trust the people at Foot Locker because this is their passion now Griffin what if the shoe is just way too big for you but it is the last one of the most popular shoe jam it in jam it up like maybe put some

like rolled up socks in there or toilet paper or tissue paper or do they make you get rid of your off-court buddies in that circumstance or I mean they make you trade in your shoes if you buy shoes at Foot Locker no matter what you knew that right that's how they get yeah that's how they get new ones the the the foot measuring thing is called the branek device fuck yeah that's awesome awesome it's really cool uh you can buy one on amazon for sixty five dollars that's way more money than I would ever as a joke spend on anything okay yeah you can but I'm trying to figure out why yeah like if you are gonna start a shoe place is this the last thing like we're about to open the doors you're like oh fuck you know what we tell me they got the same day tell me because we gotta

get on the brand I gotta get it I'm 30 I don't and that still feels just awful it tumbled that that that word just diapers out of my mouth um but I do think that my feet are probably done growing huh mm-hmm probably you're about to start shrinking I don't think my feet are gonna get any huh there 10 after 30 they shrink they're 10 now I don't think I'm ever gonna hit 10.5 uh I'm a see I'm like a 10.5 11 uh oh I'm 12 Travis is a two because I'm a 12d it's just a broomstick going into a shoe I know because I wear cowboy boots sir and I wear the shit out of them yeah he's very proud of his boots um hey hey boots aren't cheap that's what they tell me at least I hear that they're expensive you want a nice pair wouldn't be funny if I know you're doing the

transition but wouldn't be funny if you went to Foot Locker and they saw your shoes and they were like what are those I love I love that one because they're like it's just shoes and it's like fun to like slam people for that I think if I worked at Foot Locker if I had owned a Foot Locker I would tell my employees whenever somebody came in this door I would tell them to say well you already have shoes what's your what's your angle what do you play that your own got them for who is for they have to come in here if they want our shoes no shoes sold unless the person is present you know that but if you came in without shoes they'd be like they're ready they're ready they're ready to we've been waiting for you we saw you coming they come in and I'd be like what are those oh he doesn't

have them you got you've you've solved my joke I would like a mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium but for shoes it was just fucking magical but at the end you just end up with shoes I don't know I haven't seen it it might be about shoes I'll spoil it for you mr. Magorium dies and turns into stardust I guess mm-hmm I didn't see it either but I got really into it conceptually so I read that plot summary all right I'm gonna try this again boots are expensive money zone these boots are made for walking to the money zone there we go it's fine I'm very excited to speak because my brother my brother me is sponsored by lift and I love the lift for a lot of reasons it's a very versatile service that I'm a fan of one

when I travel if I go somewhere like uh San Francisco sketch fest right I don't want to rent a car boom lift is right there super convenient two trees and I share a car if I want to make sure my wife still has access to our car and I just need to like run to an appointment or something boom lift does it bum you out Travis at all that this is a sort of unrequited love because you tried to be a lift driver once and they didn't want you no that was fair because I did have a number of infractions you want you want standards they won't let Travis drive to pay him money to talk about their service well they might now I think a lot of those infractions have probably fallen off of my record Travis tried out for the team tried out for the lift team lift said no but we'll

find some way to use you don't worry you enthusiastic young driver they they saw something wrong and Travis that they could mold you you're not a driver you're a speaker and they were right speak for lift um I I do honestly god I use lift all the time uh and I'm a pretty big fan um safety is their number one priority every driver is fully vetted through a 10 point safety standard including third party criminal and dmv background checks how many points do you think you made it third trap if you were to guess you maybe two honestly I cleaned my car really good and I had peppermints yeah that's one and two those are the two first safety standard points oh and I had I had an iPhone charge cable all right well that one's important too they can't have you can't have your maps dying

who that was close um nine out of ten lift rides get a perfect five star rating um and and they offer a better experience with lift you can tip in the app so the happier uh so you have happier drivers which means happier passengers I'm a big fan and right now lift is offering our listeners a special deal for new users you get three free rides up to ten dollars each that's a 30 dollar value when you enter promo code brother just download the free lift app lyft lift app today and enter promo code brother in the payment section and you'll start with three free rides up to ten dollars each 30 dollar value promo code brother go do it now get my brother a lot of times it's my brother this is just brother brother anyone's old brother any any shitty old brother hey can I

tell you about pro can I tell you about pro flowers yeah please we got some lovely blooms in well we didn't they weren't even blooming yet that's the best thing we got these lovely little these plants essentially and then I put the dust in the water they send you the dust and they say put the dust in the water and you cut some of the flowers and I feel bad doing that every time like you're supposed to cut their butts off basically I guess it helps them drink up the dust better but anyway they bloomed and we've had them for a while now and they're just lovely they're sitting on the kitchen and I just like to sometimes I turn the TV off and I say babe and so I'm talking to Rachel and our baby I say babes it's flower night and we'll just look right at these things for two three four

five six seven eight hours at a time nine hours last yesterday I'm thinking of it nine hours yesterday you know in the 30s that's what had to pass for entertainment your grandparents probably staring at flowers well you would finish your dance marathon and you wanted to just chill out for the night and you're like I can't dance another marathon dancing your dance marathon and they would open the pool up under you and you'd fall into it every time that's every dance marathon they don't tell you that that's every dance marathon you fall in the pool and then you walk home with your future wife and then you get home and you just stare at some flowers and so somebody would go to turn the radio on and you would slap

their hand away from the dial as hard as you possibly could and you say no because they would interrupt flower watching but also that would attract uh the bombers they would know where you are because of the radio signal but it's like you had to keep that turned off it's flower night mama may I be excused from the table to go stir at the flowers well jefframs did you finish your turkey leather I did indeed well you're dismissed wait hold on does it is turkey leather something you're eating or something you're making the cell both okay you get they're getting high on their own supply so it's free anyway mother's day is coming up and is a good way to show your appreciation you can

send the 100 blooms from mom bouquet from pro flowers this mother's day it'll make a real impression comes to the free glass vase for just 1999 plus shipping and handling and you can upgrade to a premium vase and include gourmet chocolates for just 10 bucks more you choose the delivery date you want pro flowers are guaranteed to arrive fresh and beautiful and stay that way for seven days or your money back and um yeah it's don't wait because don't wait seven days today monday mother's day is the 14th so like order it it's fine um yeah get the 100 blooms from mom with a free glass vase 1999 plus shipping just go to proflowers.com click on the microphone microphone in the top right corner and use the code my brother it's proflowers.com

get the code my brother when you click on the mic all one word all one word this bouquet sells out fast so order today and you're just gonna stare at these flowers but try not to you're gonna want to eat them like that's no you're gonna want to eat these blooms and I got I can't tell you how many emails I got from botanists and flower like just flower people and bot like botanists from harry potter how they do like plants in them in that those movies and books and all the all of these emails said you were right griffin eat them up yum good but if you eat them all don't eat them all because then you can't stare at them that's my that's my like plant advice do they call people that study like mechanical people robot nests yeah don't even act like we don't have a personal

message because we do and it's for Fiona and it's from Haley and it says happy 50th birthday to the best mom who tells dad jokes and explains references on this show that I'm too young to get I'm so glad that through hard times in our lives we can listen to mb&ba and together and laugh thanks for birthing my brothers and me love your jelly I see you didn't want to take the director's note at the beginning of this one juice I'm not a fucking dance it says if you know just don't come out of hiding to read this message that'd be great and like I don't know why you want him to compromise himself for you give us one just in just one word thank you for birthing me my son it's our secret I feel like maybe you've lost much like still fucking there much like the

American intelligence community you've lost schnoden maybe a little bit yeah it sounds smaller I hate see I hate this happening in organically you can do it I'm an or this is an organic comedian yeah I did it it was so funny people are walling their brains off right now they're loving it we're loving it just like the kids say schnoden fever is back and it's sweeping america and there's a reason our sometimes you retire a beloved character because you lose touch with them it's like if um you know the guy who hosts uh all american actors sit down james spader if you were to say to me justin can I speak with edwards schnoden the worst thing that's ever happening by the way is watching james lepton host inside of the actor studio with the cast of simpsons

and uh asking each one in turn if he could speak to their character and having them improvise some like simpsons back and forth uh uh uh uh uh impromptu discussions with the simpsons family and what does one of them look at them like it's scripted james james show is scripted hey james can i can i speak to moman is comic book guy in today is hon's moman are you there i'm channeling you where's the money hon's hey um can i speak with gill uh i don't remember gill gill would hold on let me look remember an episode the salesman the old sale can i speak with the old gill you don't remember mm okay can i speak to daryl strawberry that was really daryl strawberry like he was really in that fucking episode what are you talking about i'm just doing james i really

like daryl strawberry i thought you might have daryl strawberry's phone number so i could call daryl strawberry um here's another message and it's uh for bailey m and it's from nat b who says happy birthday to my sweetheart of a partner bailey i'm not sure if you will be in dc or ukraine when you receive this birthday message but i know that i love you with all of my heart nat p s i couldn't think of a goof to right here so if the brothers could help me out i would appreciate it so just a joke you just want us to write a joke okay i'll choke you aside it should be the name of this podcast jokes get out get out of your jokes jokes step out of the room for a moment give me like five minutes that's way too i'm not gonna fucking wait it's way too long to go without jokes

okay two minutes one minute okay one minute it's probably really hard uh for nat to play on whether bailey's gonna be in dc or the ukraine when this message is read considering it is a month oh no two months late that's not really a good i don't know that's a good joke for them self burn you guys are really here how about this how about this okay tell me a joke okay okay acupuncture is a jab well done acupuncture is a jab well done that was google here there's one more there are two fish in a tank and one says to the other how do you drive this thing fucking sucks google that was google google's like the company that owns all the things you think they could own like a good joke uh hey i got a here's one called random fun what do you think she says on that here's a cute video oh it's like a cat

okay okay i was afraid honestly more so this wasn't really a we didn't really write a joke this time what we did is one of our classic my brother my brother and me goof adjacent segments where you think there's something funny in it and then you dig around and there's not but then your three minutes closer to the podcast being over so everybody wins maybe in a year you remember something funny happening here but when you go back and re-listen to the episode you can't pinpoint what moment you were thinking of yeah if you're if you're scrubbing through right now trying to find that great joke that you heard on this episode it was earlier or later because it's not in this segment you can go ahead and even been this episode yeah it may not have been this episode

it was okay this is an okay one real middle of the pack right here this one oh it does riddle this fun i got this new fun it does jokes samsung galaxy s8 it's got jokes that's my like you know we do tech reviews sometimes it also does riddles here's the riddle do you want to hear it does your shirt have holes in it no then how did you put it on that's a riddle that's not a riddle unless you honestly want me to answer how i put my shirt on here's a riddle has two hands around face always runs but stays in place that's a real fucking clock yeah yeah it tells you that pretty quick huh like give me a minute to fucking solve the riddle obviously travis solved it because he's the riddle master but i needed a little bit more time than this phone i'm giving this phone three

stars out of five because it doesn't give you enough time to the bezel is like almost not there and the processor is like so fast it runs all my game so fast but when i ask you riddles it doesn't give you enough time to solve them three stars out of five sorry google i had to dock you two points on that one there's probably setting for that um uh here's another question because i think we've done one is that right give me more time to solve your riddles next time uh here are the top results no it's not a search two stars out of five fuck this phone don't buy it i wish i still had my apple phone i had all my i had all my crazy birds saved on my apple phone i lost all the dang things didn't carry your progress no god this has been the longest money

zone spot yeah it's almost like i'm trying to move on the next thing and you keep talking about your phone hey max fun fans it's maximumfund.org founder jessie thorn i just wanted to take a minute to congratulate our colleague ben partridge he's the host and creator of the beef and dairy network podcast and they just won the gold award for best comedy podcast in the british podcast awards it's a truly remarkable honor if you haven't checked out beef and dairy network you are in for a very very very special treat it's a really remarkable and hilarious show i would say a perfect podcast uh so congratulations ben partridge and congratulations to everyone

who's contributed to the beef and dairy network podcast we're proud of you do you think living on a houseboat would be as fun as it sounds that's from landlock in illinois there's not explicit advice i guess in this one it's more implicit advice i suppose um pros and cons pros you can fish right off the side of the damn thing no problem which you know me i fish i love fishing every morning sometimes it's a hassle to get down to the ocean oh also you have the 360 surround pool who else can claim that on their house i mean i guess other people in houseboats um negatives you could wake up drowned which is kind of a bad one like that actually no matter what like your mobile you could live wherever you want your house moves fishing off the side 360 pool is all

super good i'm sure it's very scenic but you could wake up drowned and that's uh that might actually sort of outweigh the like i'm in my ranch style home here in texas that's a very low chance of it happening because it's not an aqua vehicle uh i mean if i if my regular house breaks i call a guy if my houseboat breaks i'm all of a sudden in like a desperate adventure movie situation like i'm i'm fighting for my life all of a sudden which maybe is not what you want to do when you're trying to just catch up on you know 24 or what i'm doing at your home and before you say before you say it doesn't happen it happened to a bar in huntington so yes that is true but the question boys was not is it as responsible as it sounds the question was is it as fun as it sounds so you

think it'd be pretty fun for your house to break and then you almost drown or you're trying to swim out of your home but that's like saying like oh i look at that roller coaster and something bad could happen so i'm not gonna get on that roller coaster it doesn't mean the roller coaster is not fun it just means that you're being a little too responsible i think living on a houseboat would be as fun as it sounds right up until the moment when it sinks up until then you're right travis you shouldn't think about don't don't don't cry because it's over laugh because of the great memories you had along the way thank you because here's the thing no the house i live in now is most likely not going to sink unless we have a sinkhole situation but you know what else

i also don't get to pretend like i'm on an adventure with my friends huck fin and tom soya every day sure you know what i mean like um can i read a yahoo do you think if you have a houseboat uh-huh and you see people fishing near your houseboat are you allowed to be like come on yeah those are my fish those are clearly my fish i've named those i named those fit they're my pets that's my koi pond um do you guys want a yahoo do you think if you own a houseboat okay claim that like you have lots of outdoor bathrooms what's the square footage wow i don't know how far can you swim yeah all of it hey here's a good thing about houseboat if you drive it out far enough you can turn on your video

poker machine and just go hug a while that's one fun thing do you guys want a yahoo yeah so this is centered by zoekinski riding high this is not a good one i just well i will be very honest with you boys it's not a good one but i did need to read it zoekinski sent it in is yahoo answers user sorry something's gone wrong i'm gonna call him keith asked riddle me this batman how can you find out if you were breastfed without asking anyone in your family and then additional details batman jokes aside how can you find out if you were right i'm not farting around it'll be riddley d batman if you kill him he won't learn nothing how can you find out if you're a breastfed without asking anyone in your family never

mind the batman stuff i just want to know about the breastfeeding i'm planning on that distraction otherwise i would have been listening to the second half of the question wondering when's another batman joke coming what character is this let's put a smile on that phase how can i find a breastfeeding don't think about the joker thing i want to know if i was breastfed from a breast riddle me this batman does your shirt have holes in it no what has two hands doesn't move a clock what you said it way too fast the batman's the riddler i wasn't even i wasn't even done listening and the sound had not made it to my back ears yet how do you guys think he does put it on what how does batman put it on i was thinking about it like he would tell the rule

like no i know buttons and then the row would be like then how'd you put it on and then batman would have to say something i guess he wouldn't he would probably just punch him but like if he wanted to answer how would he put it on right why didn't the riddler ever look at batman and say riddle me this who is batman and batman would be like bruce wake shit damn he got me and solved it though and i give me 10 riddle points and when he says up a hundred the riddler dies do you think in every batman story you've ever seen ever they have omitted a 10 second beat a footage where he's just like sit me up alfred alfred get no too tight corset me up alfred tighten my corset alfred it seems like a like a rubber spray like he's just sprayed on him sprayed it on i have seen human

beings removing wetsuits before and it is not a cool thing or an easy thing it kind of looks like someone shedding their exoskeleton their carapace and if we're if we're being honest his weiner probably looks super weird in there when he takes like it probably looks super super suit it's like a little hot bag that you sweat into and then when you take it off like we don't talk about this ever but his weiner probably looks like pretty busted he's definitely fully talc'd up before it gets in there right he talks 360 degrees full coverage he's got like a spray tan booth of talcum powder it's like oh there's a crime okay i need 20 minutes to get i i just i gotta grease up and then talc up and then get in the suit and that takes a while and i had to put in a lot of soundproofing so you

wouldn't hear the squeaking and the screaming i'm do you think at some point in the relationship alfred has come to him and said uh master bruce yes uh i'm just gonna ask a fucking good please stop peeing in the suit master bruce i have to fucking wash it okay master bruce please stop peeing in the suit i don't thank you i i i have taken the liberty of i've crafted you a flannel number with several zippers and buttons and flaps no okay but just for a second just consider master bruce who do you think it stinks like shit there's nothing we're gonna do about that you're getting your you're fighting the pain when you're sweating to high heaven i'll quit and it all need a way to make money and i can think of one pretty fucking good one and it's

a book called here's of the back cave is by me alfred who no longer watches your piss it's called the secrets of the underground piss boy and that's you that's you you and chapter one you'll never believe this clammy pings i'll tell them about the time you got scared last year remember master bruce really scared remember really really scared i think of it as alfred's super bad day that he had because of you master bruce you remember when he hey got them chapter two remember when bane almost blew our thing up with i forget why but it was really dumb but anyway batman came home from that one and his balls were so pruney it was the suit is so tight it's he was out there for a few days just getting wildly pruney down there chapter three master bruce stopped watching

dexter after season three but he continued to make me recap episodes after i watched them for the entirety of the series literally half of my day is spent recapping dexter for batman batman took a weird turn i like it he's a weird dude man uh the other day my boyfriend went thrift shopping on his day off from work when he got home i asked him if he had found anything good he said that he had and proceeded to show me a chris angel mind and freak magic kit i really like this guy what do i do get fucking stoked yeah i get married i guess to this person as fast as it's possible are you kidding me that's very good was it unopened because you run the risk of some of the minds having already been freed yeah you can't unfreeze those beans uh can you keep sorry just i wanted

to do a joke but i didn't want to be rude and interrupt you so maybe you could read it a second time and i'll be rude this time but it won't be the one that counts yeah you got it all right um the other day my boyfriend went thrift shopping i'm gonna pop some tags he said he had a joke i'm still waiting on where's the joke at one point he says piss in the song yeah that is pretty good but shit it was 99 cents and it comes back at it and but with a message like an important message um this is the best pickup like ever and i think you should get psyched and like start like putting on little magic shows i guess what comes in all right time to google what comes in the chris angel mind freak magic kit okay super quick i am gonna need to know that

i'm also gonna wonder if it makes the illusions harder if you pull out like i'm gonna poke a hole through this coin and they're like uh why does the coin have chris angel's face on it and you have to just stare at them until they forgot you were gonna do magic so sears has it for 128 100 sorry 128 american dollars and 90 american cents which is basically 129 american dollars Barnes and Noble get it to you for 60 bucks Justin yeah if you saw a chris angel mind freak magic kit at a thrift store what amount of money would they have to be charging for it that would balance for you the joke of buying it without being ashamed of the amount of money you paid for it uh okay trav hi it's nice to meet you my name is justin mackleroy and i paid 200

dollars for a lucid dreamy helmet that's never going to buy my it's not a number yes exactly griffin same question 128 dollars and 90 cents griffin would pay double what he'd pay at Barnes and Noble this somebody wrote this on sears apparently sears just lets you write your own product descriptions i've included the mind freak kit instructional dvd to perform every mind freak prop contained in this kit to make learning easy and fun by the way i'm looking at this shit and it's like some little foam balls and thimbles and it's like you can't freak someone's bean with some fucking thimbles it's impossible um as a bonus i've also included volumes one and five of my best-selling dvd series master mind freaks okay so uh chris

did write this then uh each dvd with my personal step by step instructions on how to perform each and every insane mind reek and little type of there including my biggest secret how to self levitate anywhere anytime with no props i've also included three official different official decks of chris angel playing cards my personal practice tips and mind freak teacher tricks that's hate sorry go ahead that's teach hyphen a hyphen tricks teacher tricks for my best-selling books chris angel ix nope it's trick spelled right uh chris angel mind freak secret revelations the free ultimate online ultimate loyal freak trial membership at chris angel website and much much more hundred i'm just gonna try it out and see i'm watching a youtube video now and it's somebody

doing one of the tricks from this mind freak set and it looks like they've got three little silver cups here and three foam balls each one with chris angel's face on it and this person is putting some of the balls in the cups and oh look that looks like three of the balls ended up in what oh oh oh my do your mind my mind my bean you got me you guys are going to write my bean i called it bean freak yes i got me right in the bean oh you gotta finish the show now oh why don't i watch this gd video it's still on the video still going the three balls are back in the original cups my bean my bean my bean

this is podcast history someone's having their mind freaked it in the in pocket you just in media res as griffin is having his mind freaked it's hard i can't even think right anymore that's what happens oh shit my legs and arms feel numb is this it well folks this has been my brother my brother me an advice show for the modern era now just my brother and me i i guess um my name is justin macaroy and um thank you to john roger for the long winners for the use of our theme song to departure off the album put in the days to bed thanks to everybody who has listened to our show and shared it over the years during the griffin years as we will now think of them and uh trav do you have anything you you would like to

say uh yeah go check out all the other amazing shows the maximum fun dot org there's a ton on there they're all great you can also go to macaroyshows.com to find all the projects that we're associated with uh as well as contact information like p o boxes and email addresses and twitter accounts uh facebook groups all that kind of stuff um i also wanted to say we're uh my wife and i have a new show we do called the kind rewind where we watch different things to discuss them we are wrapping up season one of buffy and then uh the next episode after that we'll be watching uh et the extraterrestrial so that would be episode five i'm gonna watch the first three episodes of cheers and we don't want to commit ourselves to a whole first season in case

we hate it but episode six will be the first three episodes of cheers um uh okay okay oh griffin's back thank god i can do the closer okay also we're about to do a live show in austin if you're coming to that please send in questions at maximumfun.org here's the final yahoo sent by morgan davie keep it waving morgan davie it's the yahoo answers user they're anonymous everybody's just completely undercover this one's asked by creme dream who asks did arthur from the cartoon ever go to a funeral in the show my name is just macaroy i'm travis macaroy i'm griffin macaroy this has been my brother my brother may kiss your dad's square on the lips

i'm barbra greif i'm brandy posie and i'm tess barker we're lady to lady do you want to sleep over in your ears is that a friend in your pocket or are you just podcast to see me we're a portable hangout you can bring to the gym on the subway or on an oil rig seriously we have listeners who do that show with us while we get high with margaret show talk show girls we caught you from drag race and here broadway star anthony rap sing hamilton i am not throwing away my shot i am not throwing away my shot hey yo i'm just like my country i'm young strappy and i'm not throwing away my shot that's lady to lady can you keep a secret neither can we