My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 356: Face 2 Face: My Donut-Loving Boys

Episode Date: May 23, 2017

Here's our live show from The Paramount in Austin, TX! We had a great time, even though everyone sitting the balcony was SO NASTY. You all would not BELIEVE what a NASTY balcony it was.

that's basically what wrestling is I know you don't watch it but hello everybody and welcome my brother my brother mean advice show for the modern era like the Chilean miners we have emerged we've emerged to join you Austin yet again I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy I'm your middle-aged brother Travis McElroy and I'm your sweet baby brother 30 under 30 media they can't take it away Griffin McElroy all right Austin we talked about this a lot and we just have one question for you why are you missing Twin Peaks why are you here why are you here we had shown up we could watch yeah it would have been it would have been weird as we were watching the tickets sell for this if it was just like still zero tickets sold well Twin Peaks

is on that night so we got that going for I wanted them to buy the tickets but then it's not come I wanted their money when it rained really hard I was like so we've been watching of course so we have some updates and plot points to just fill you in on first first shot of course is deputy Andy and he steps on his own wiener and falls in a big garbage can as as he does shot shot number two and we will go shot for shot shot number two Kyle McLaughlin as agent Doug Cooper slow burns Doug Cooper Doug Cooper well it's his twin brother he just has a slow burn to the camera and this says fuck and it's real real slow though and I know you're wondering like right after the scene where Andy steps on his wiener and falls in a big garbage that's David Lynch y'all that's how he

did that's how he do shot three this time it's log man different now there's a man with the log I don't know why it's actually it's just a big man made of logs it's and he's got a psychic log girl and it's they're very different it's a superhero thing David Lynch he's the master you gotta give him a shot for Laura Palmer is back whoa what and she's fine never explained I said to silence my phone and while I was doing that I got a notification from my calorie counting app that was like hey you haven't logged your dinner today and it made me realize that we had Lucy's fried chicken for brunch and then we had fly right fried chicken for dinner we're gonna die yeah so when I put that into the calorie app I'm gonna get like a notification that's just like man you're not gonna

try why do I have to be here so this is a this is a weird question has anybody not listened to our show before okay cool and you're weirdly excited so what we do on the shows we take questions from real people just like yourselves and we turn them out let me like into wisdom and we're gonna start doing that well in a second after Travis interrupts apparently the last third of the show we will also take questions from the audience yes there is one rule and that one rule is sorry to the six of you who said you hadn't heard the show earlier that must have been really scary for you yeah the audience is gonna be less scary they promise so here's the first question when my girlfriend wears a backpack she leaves it completely unzipped we live in a city and I think someone will eventually

just reach in and take whatever is in there when I've addressed this with her she's responded with it's easier to get things out when it's unzipped or don't tell me how to live my best life how can I convince her to zip up her backpack or am I in the wrong that's from debated in DC I've never you here hey is she here and did she bring a backpack all right all right she is here no backpack I've never everybody I think who's listening to show knows sort of my stance on taking things but that said I was in a production of Oliver and you played I played Oliver and I did he was adorable I did pick a pocket door too it's a song I remember that but I don't do that you give me a little bit of where his love do you think that was really good that's really

nice Griffin but I don't do that shit in real life I just do it at babies are us and stuff anyway but if I saw a backpack unzipped I couldn't help it just like I'd assume it was one of those like bait cam things like but then an army that saw that her backpack was in zipped and you'll never believe John Kenyon a steps out of the backpack like no to be fair to your girlfriend in regards to the it's easier to get thing out of it that is true it's true everyone yeah thank you oh it's like when you see those books outside of a bookstore that are like for sale for like a dollar and it's like oh they want you to take these yeah these are to be stolen there's no one standing outside with those books those books are free if you bring them inside to pay for their reaction is all right

maybe this is sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy where if something is in there and she's willing to let it just sort of fall out yeah I just sort of flop out of there because it's open she doesn't care if it gets so yeah I had the life-changing tidying up your shit get taken smart joy no put it in my backpack then yeah I don't really play Yu-Gi-Oh! anymore I'll just put these cards in my bag bag my dump bag oh yeah how is your girlfriend or person that is here I guess I could just address you you're so much more I'm looking into darkness how are you wearing a backpack that having it unzipped makes it easier for you to get in it oh yeah notice kangaroo style or regular it's one strap okay so it's a it's like a cool messenger like spin it around like a

bass guitar yeah it's like a Yu-Gi-Oh! holster at that point you just have a bandolier shit you don't care about what if this guy who invented zippers came back to life and you were the first person he saw think about that think about my children really you didn't well I but you know how the teeth kind of go wait has everybody forgotten does no one remember how to damn you Charles Velcro do you guys want a yahoo do you want a yahoo yeah uh cool well this one is sent in by level 9000 yaja drew drew that important thank you drew oh it sounds like boo first no it's a drew thing it's asked by yahoo answers user anonymous uh we'll call them uh sea lion oh there was a viral video of a sea lion grabbing a child that

it popped up in this yahoo thing the child's okay the joke plays uh this sea lion who got a hold of a computer and I want to hear that fucking story asks how do you stop obsessing and overcome wanting a pie smashed in your face I get it I've been there I I fucking get it yeah sure sometimes you're up late and you're watching your turner classic movies like you do and you see like a astuges or like a marxist movie it's dumb and you see like a pie if they were also that what if groucho every time was like pretend I said something smart about marxism here because just doesn't know anything about it we'll get that in a post we do a lot of ADR on our live shows oh shit

and so you see them smash the pie and you just think and you get horny yeah wait no mine was like you you could fall asleep with that pie like it would be very oh like when you're at the aquarium and you see the fish swimming around you're like I just went dunk my head I just want to live it's refreshing mr limp it in there you know what I mean I thought it was going to be a horny thing for sure we can turn it into that should we make it a horny thing from this way actually can we take a hold on it's not an audience it is actually about to be can you hear the house that's on for a second I just want to see a quick show of hands on whether or not this question specifically is a sex thing and please raise your hand if you think that this

person is asking about a sex thing let me get my phone out I want to take this picture that's maybe a 50-50 split I'm as surprised as anybody keep your hands up dirty birds okay so I'm gonna say this though there's a weird okay when they sold you guys your tickets was there a like question on the website that was like uh pie stuff and if you said yes you had to go to the balcony because y'all is 100% up there if you want to fuck pies you go in the skies okay everyone knows that you can turn the lights off now I'm getting everyone by how attractive they are I saw this hysterical movie once where there was a pie and a young man

and his name I swear to god was stiffy and he did the damn thing to it and they called it the pie movie or something so can you give me a beat by beat recap well it opens with stiffy doing the damn thing and I imagined at that point most of the people just left the theater because they thought it was going to be a fun Don McLean thing he did did he do the is that what the Don McLean song is about I hope so you think people get their noses broken a lot that way with the pie thing because it seems like you'd be so overzealous about like finally I got to do this thing I'm always wanted to do that you would slam it so hard you'd break the break the nose I mean with like a pecan pie yeah how many people

how many people do you think a year die from pie to the face more more than you'd think more than how many people do you think died because someone didn't think about whether to use a hot filling pie or like a cold cream oh you gotta be careful you'll never get that out do you think the song cherry pie is about horny pie stuff or is it a simile see me I thought it was just about pies she it's a cherry pie smashing in my face in my mouth and eyes pretty good pretty good it's hot sticky sweet gonna smash it with my feet oh no wait you've you've gone astray where now they should have another one called very weird out he just makes everything about foot stuff hey listen I didn't mean to yuck any yums there if you're into foot stuff gotta be with you

uh no there's no judgment here it must be a hard world out there and I'm here for you okay but nobody else is here's another question I work in a middle school and use a room that is shared by several other employees sometimes I have to leave my materials in there but usually it's safe however my favorite pin which has a quote on it from the hip Broadway musical Hamilton Hamilton what missing I assumed a student had taken it or thrown it away but later that week I saw my boss using my Hamilton pin how can I give it back without seeming like a dick and that's from missing musical merchandise kill him somebody says wow whoa uh it's a super good musical but and I'm now worried that like tomorrow this boss is going to end up dead for completely

yeah unrelated reasons the three charming boys on stage said not to kill anybody don't kill him if you're a reporter that's the story okay everybody tweet that out get it started are you here a person who had their pencil on yes that was actually sorry that was actually a wailing cry of sadness my parents they're here and they're having their soul ripped from their body by a mystical jail a pair of wings just did a fatality on somebody in our fucking audience um I mean let me ask you this well Hamilton do he would write his way out with his own fucking pin that he would go get back from this person you could do that you could go to him be like hey I uh I want to write my way out

there's one thing all right don't have a pin hold me up oh oh oh oh I solved it go to them see the pin note the pin say to them oh you into Hamilton then the trap is set yeah because then they'll have to be like yeah so much that I got a pin and lie or and if they do that then you've got to ask for what lyrics their favorite song like their favorite bit from it like uh mr president huff huff my shorts if you think I couldn't even do one like fake bar of a yeah but what if it turns out they aren't also just a super big like I mean all jar they're probably a pretty big Hamilton yeah it's not a little niche number that only this works but no if they're like yeah and they just do word for word start to finish the whole musical it's like okay keep it do you win here's

a fun here's a funny suggestion for our comedy podcast go to them and say that's my pin I like it I paid money for that and I'd like it back with a pen back it's mine I bought mine pin and I'd like it back why don't you people ever try that before you come to us and just like maybe they did maybe they went to boss like that's like anyway no no I don't think so uh and then you're like I have to go to write an email yeah you're like I'm taking this to a higher court um I'm assuming your boss is in here by the way because we'd sort that shit out right quick yeah wait are you here and you're somebody's boss and you might have stolen a Hamilton fan because it might be about you um here's another yahoo this one was sent in by Zoey Kinski Zoey are you here

so like a hundred people just yelled Zoey where are you are you here yay thank you Zoey for all of your years of hard work Zoey's in in like 300 awesome yahoo's and this is one of them uh thank you Zoey it's from yahoo answers user Mary Lynn who asks should I add my dad on xbox that's the funny part uh for a while my dad has been asking me to add him on xbox I want to but my username is keeping me from adding him it's no wait wait wait wait turn it off I know what it is um what are you thinking it is right now because like I've seen some things on on xbox username so okay go ahead Griffin it's kiss my ammo and personally I think it's too close to kiss my

ass but they put asterisks in I do love that sentence because they say it like they're reviewing someone else's hey if you ask me it's too close to kiss my uh uh also I like to putting a link in my youtube page in my bio for my friends to see but I don't want my dad to view any of my videos because I cuss in a few of them nice how about how fucking great my dad is my dad everybody this is Todd I'm back again to tell you how fucking cool my dad is that's very touching Todd I prefer you to show you how to take down oryx in two cycles and my dad's such a cool bastard what just got a new iphone 7 for my fucking awesome dad yeah piss yes

he says the best shit well Todd like like rate and subscribe and remember don't show my dad I wish my dad would watch my youtube videos you're really looking at that level of support gift horse in the mouth because I would love to have that level of support where my dad would watch my youtube I try to do it a lot like hey you know it's like a food review quiz show we were getting from sheets and he's like I don't get it yeah and I'm like yeah dad no I watched him carry movies then I talk about him sometimes not as big a response perfect thank you correct um gosh how do we help kiss my this is why I don't cuss in any of my videos

case my dad sees them you know the part about this that they don't give information on that I really want is how they deflect their dad's requests up till now yeah hey could you add me on xbox can you just fill your channel of videos about how cool your dad is so he won't get to the other ones with curse words or by the time he does he's like I'll let these slide I really appreciate all the nice things you said we're okay there's one video that's like Jeff comma my dad's so cool has 1.8 million views so I've made I've personally made $4,300 off this video thank you son you can say piss as much as you want but just that one only piss um Griffin you got any other yahoo's go ahead I bet now hold on I just want to know why we don't usually do them back to back

the choice to think maybe no no just go ahead and tell me if you have any other yahoo's I just I just was curious if you had any other ones I could make up a sadly above the spot no yeah okay Griffin go ahead and give me a yahoo but this is a serious one it's really sorry I interrupted the mic had static can we get somebody to look at that okay so this is a really sorry Griffin the yahoo is sad it's like a sad I want a munch I want two munchs and welcome to the munch squad it's a podcast within a podcast the headline of this USA Today story and I'm putting USA Today on blast on this one too it's no you're not at Panera McDonald's introduces new artisanal sandwiches whoa

that is the most buck wild headline for there so many different okay try trying something new huh well fuck you fuck you McDonald's no no you're not Panera what they're saying is that you could eat a sandwich at McDonald's and be tricked into thinking you're at Panera which is like if that's you I thought you said no you're not Panera McDonald's you know you're not at Panera okay I don't think you hit that at enough that's um hey if that's your range that's a pretty wild range of thing I mean it's no Panera it's McDonald's but it's no Panera and that would also imply that you walked in just like blinders on did not look at any surroundings ordered sandwich eight and they're like wait wait what a what the fuck there's a big M is this Panera

uh folks here's a story that there's the Panera clown Panera he's he's got the balloons for the children folks the golden arches are going artisanal that's the head that's the lead from USA Today McDonald's introduced three new sandwiches on May 1st and the menu items are a big leap from the Big Mac nice nice pull it sir the sandwiches pico guacamole sweet bbq bacon and maple Dijon sorry is that one sandwich no that would be good it's six inches aside their first sandwich a fucking mess you could get it with peak uh there's three varietals like that and they come with uh you can get with buttermilk crispy chicken 100 beef quarter pound

patty or artisanal grilled chicken the trio marks the chains nationwide launch of its signature crafted recipes long you motherfuckers can put words like that together however many ways you want no one's fooled no one is artisanal market fret fuck you like no one is fooled it's McDonald's I saw another story where I was looking for this one that said that McDonald's pledges to have fresh beef quarter pounders by the middle of 2018 so we're just gonna spend a year kicking it with your old meat that you've alerted us through those motherfuckers said they're gonna they're going to have cage free eggs by I shit you not 2025 we gotta find them yeah we're gonna have cage free death cage reacts before the heat death of the universe that's our pledge to you

signed Ronald McDonald fuck you guys quote from Chris Kempinski he's the president of McDonald's USA signature establishes a premium range on our menu showcasing high quality burger and chicken products with more food forward ingredients what a hey guys I got a new thing we should try to think about first and that's food we by the way I should take a quick sidebar I did get to try these in a test market in Columbus and what the fuck wait no this is unprecedented we the quote continues from Chris we need to bring more food news like this in order to appeal to millennial customers who are seeking who are seeking new taste experiences these days okay there's pico on one of these sandwiches sorry there's a pico element on one of these bad boys that is a new

experience of McDonald's salsa boy I love being born in the late 80s to early thousands it makes me want McDonald's salsa what the fuck's wrong with me I can't buy a house but boy what's a McDonald's salsa CBS irrationally hates me but that's okay because I can nom that pay with my good McDonald's salsa you know this is the end of the quote and it's I'm pretty sure it's a threat you should expect us to step up our level of menu innovation in the U.S. in the years ahead that's coming for you Justin McRoy yeah that's a fun thing of like to think that I'm going to spend the next few years somewhere in my head like I wouldn't when McDonald's steps up their innovation I'm ready for it because they did warn me that for the years ahead they're going to be

dipping their toes in and this was a news story published in USA today yeah this is the direct this is all okay I'm quoting directly McDonald's move is the panerization stop of the more down market chain no more for value and convenience than creative flavor combinations hey USA today thanks for the elevator pitch on McDonald's go on and it's cheap too do you think that that journalist walked into the editor's office and was like I've got an idea for a story you'll never believe what McDonald's is up to uh this is there more geez real quick fast casual is still in market share from the fast food segment said Jack Russo as senior analyst who covers McDonald's at Everett Jones cool job cool job when you see that's a competitor you think well

we can't completely transform who we are but we can steal some pages from their playbook and then this guy goes into like why they can't why they can't make them too good because it'd be expensive just like mom's kitchen that's too much money no you get the weird pico de gallo uh can I do this other yahoo yeah this is also another zoe kinsky join thank you zoe writing so high uh it's from yahoo answers user sorry something's gone wrong uh brian asks I need help looking cool while waiting at the bus stop

I've noticed that no matter how I stand or what I do there's no real way to look cool in quotes at a bus stop and not come across as some loser with no car how can I best convey a sense of coolness while waiting for the bus I've got it well it's no jokes allowed no this is the solution when the bus shows up you just go now and leave pretty good not only is that cool because it is it's awesome it's serious what's that guy's deal but then you're back again the next day will he get on this time pretty soon you're a local legend yeah a guy who never gets to work uh I wanted to go the other way with it which is just like when it's pulling up you'll be like oh there's my bus and they're like oh yeah me too we're waiting at this bus stop and you say no no no

you don't understand that's my bus and you walk in you're like what's up people on my bus this is my chain thing I'm allowed to pull it as much as I want are you enjoying that goes grayhound are you enjoying my bus can you fire off an air horn when the bus gets close and then when the bus stops just look at everybody there and say you're welcome they weren't gonna stop and then they stop for me maybe this is how sign dancers got started okay and somebody was just like on a corner waiting for a bus and they're like I don't look cool enough right now and the fucking little Caesars saw that and was like hey do you want 20 dollars Riven I didn't realize you'd trained I don't like to brag juliar juliar oh sorry no no orange julie as I was

assigned to you could you could sketch hell yeah hell yeah you could bus comes by did you want to get on nah I'm good shades and then you when they're pulling away you grab the back of the bus flip your skateboard out yeah get ready for the ride of your life just sucks it sucks in tailpipe the toughest part of that is deciding when to grab on yeah because if you do it too it's not cool yeah not cool you have to look up at the people sitting in the back of the bus and be like don't tell on me it'll be cool in a minute you can't you can't hold on in such a way that it gives the bus driver an opportunity to be like hey back there hey uh hey you hey chief hey chief could you let go of my bus chief hey hey trying to drive here chief come on that's not the way it works

I'm going to see your skidging and raise you teen wolfing you oh good teen wolf some maybe about it it doesn't matter a bit the young man who is also a leg and throat uh that's a werewolf and uh it runs in the family and at the end there's a wiener I know there's a wiener at the end that's there's an extra and he gets his wiener out during the basketball scenes oh my god I don't think that was what I do think did add hey hey there's a wiener in teen wolf you just said I don't think that I don't think that happens liar or idiot no it's there's a wiener in teen wolf wait what Michael j fox is a teen wolf and he's about to go in for a dunk and you look in the background and there's like kids sitting on the bleachers and one of them's just like

here's my wiener forever okay I said don't like don't obviously don't do that like we've been we've all been extras at some point or other and that's it goes against the whole extra code you don't see zombies and walking dead just like they're my wieners famous forever bow bridges is the dad in that flick right and he's a werewolf too is that right holy shit guys come on it's supposed to be my IMDB here I'm pretty sure it's bow bridges yes thank you I thought so and I want to make this observation do you think bow had a moment when they called him for that role and thought like do you mean Jeff because my brother Jeff bridges basically is already a werewolf like who's a more of a werewolf in Hollywood right now than Jeff bridges

I don't think bow bridges was in teen wolf I'm so sorry Justin whoever yelled yes it's not your friend in the audience they uh James Hampton holy shit the deepest cut thank you so much yeah I know you googled that because if you had that information on your fingertips you would have blasted me with thank you that's fine I'm googling too we're all googling hey everybody this is Griffin I just want to pop in here and do a quick money zone uh sorry that Travis couldn't make it he was on a plane and Justin couldn't make it because oh we already recorded the money zone and then my computer crashed and I lost it so now I'm doing it by myself so handle that um I want to tell you about our sponsors our first one is nature box nature box you know at this point they

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box is offering our fans 50% off your first order when you go to naturebox.com slash my brother that's naturebox.com slash my brother and get 50% off your first order one last time that Earl is naturebox.com slash my brother I also want to tell you about Indochino Indochino is a suit company and their whole thing is if you put on a suit that wasn't tailored for you you're basically putting on somebody's suit you go to a some other suit retailer and for all you know those are taking off bodies in the ground and they won't tell you that at the store but I'll tell you that Indochino what they do is you go online or you can visit one of their showrooms you pick whatever kind of fabric you want for your suit and then you choose your customizations stuff like lapels or pleats

or jacket linings or whatever and then you submit your measurements and you place your order and you wait for it to arrive in just a few weeks and you get a well-tailored suit at an incredible price this week our listeners can get any premium Indochino suit for just 379 bucks at Indochino.com when entering my brother at checkout that's 50% off the regular price for a made-to-measure premium suit and shipping is free that's indochino i n d o c h i n o dot com promo code my brother for any premium suit for just 379 bucks and free shipping got some jumbotron messages this one is for Travis mine not yours wait they're saying it's theirs not ours you get it and it's from Elena who says Travis you are hardworking creative caring and smart i'm so proud of your career as a

chef and small business owner and i can't wait to support you and whatever's next you've been my champion in everything i've tried struggling non-profit jobs accounting school and race to Alaska craziness i love you let's get married on saturday may 27th that's this weekend congratulations on your upcoming wedding Travis and Elena that's so exciting um i have another jumbotron message here and this one's for avital and it's from Rishi who says one year ago i did the meanest thing that anyone has done on my bimbam and made you famous i cannot surpass myself but i can enshrine my victory like a mosquito trapped in amber i've preserved your humiliation for the ages all are welcome to www.coldplaycrybaby.com may the light of your burning shame forever illuminate our common

future uh this is absolutely brutal this is a an orbital slam dunk from space just a thermonuclear burn and i'm uncomfortable being the vehicle for it hey i want to tell you uh some good news if you don't live in the us i don't know the exact list of countries but i know the uk and canada and i believe australia you can now pick up the mbam bam tv show it is up on itunes in those regions you can go to see so's landing page on itunes or just search my brother my brother me and then don't click the podcast just click the very next thing and uh you can watch all six episodes of our tv show and i hope you really like it and thank you for sort of demanding that this happened we had absolutely no control over this happening but we are uh excited that so many more people will get to

listen to it uh or watch it that's right there's pictures uh i also want to thank the paramount for having us this weekend and for everybody who came out to the live shows in austin we had a great time and uh it means a lot uh we're gonna get back to the show now so have a good have a good time bye i'm bez and i'm teresa and we host the weekly comedy podcast one bad mother we celebrate our moments of parenting genius as well as our failures just like we're gonna have hot dogs and i'm like no we're having fun everybody loves hot dogs yeah and they just like smashes that thing right on my chest and then i'm just crying in the middle of like kids space while people are like literally dancing with their children parenting can be sad and painfully funny at the same time so join us

each week as we admit that this is hard but we're getting really good at it find us at maximumfun.org or wherever you download podcasts here's another question oh i like this question i'm currently recovering from a wrist injury and have to wear a brace did you hear what i said what she said i often get asked what happened and almost as often that question is followed up with a saying a variation of too much jerking off we did it everybody we did it my my that's our that's our oscar my honey pie is it's finally paid off um does it really fucking say that in the question yeah people think it's funny it was funny i mean i'll do respect if you're here it was funny

but it's getting old which i understand what are some witty responses to this annoyingly consistent joke and that's from that's from no i didn't break my wrist from masturbation is the name are you here cool what if the next time someone's like from jerking it you just went yeah yeah it's a medical condition but we can talk about it if you want have you tried it it's it's pretty good come take a journey with me into my prior pessimism we'll just discuss it at length if you know what i mean oh man i can't i'm sorry if you

had to sit next to that guy by the way wait listen if you try anything funny let us know okay in the pie question it must have gotten probably got a little rough um oh man i feel so fucking bad for the bad joke i did uh what do you say what if he does that jerking what yeah make what do you mean describe in detail what masturbation now what's matt what uh a manifestation you said mysticulation mastication what would that even do yeah why wait wait where the p comes out excuse me you must be joking i was assumed since you can't tickle yourself that you could okay all right

All right. Fair do. Sounds weird to me, but okay. Important if true. That episode of Seinfeld suddenly makes so much more sense. So they weren't actually masters of anything. Okay. Okay. Because I was wondering where the domain was. So imagine my, well, can we end the show 20 minutes early? Okay. No, somebody else. Yes, of course not. All right. Can I, can I get, I want to do the one, I know we, I did tell you one of the yahoo's. And it was, this was another level 9000 yahoo drew Davenport. Thank you, Drew. It is sadly germane. Yahoo answers user VA2906 asks, what would it be like if humans were in a constant state of orgasm? Would it even be possible to

drive a car? Somebody's yelling yes, yes, yes. Absolutely. Hey, wait, wait. Oh, she's happy. He's back. So I think you would actually probably just establish that as your new baseline, right? Like you would get, eventually would you get used to it? It was like, Hello, David. It's good to see you. Hey, hey, Frank, are you ready to go to sleep? No. We never, never. Are you hungry? I don't know. Yeah, this is a great point. Why do, the car question is so irrelevant. It's like, do you want to go to the movies and see Avatar? Not at all. I'm good. Rock lobster. That's, and that's what that band's all about. That's what 10 roof rusted means. What is it? No, it doesn't. It means I'm always orgasming.

Wow. That's some deep code they've got going on there. We would have never invented anything. We wouldn't have invented the car, certainly. Certainly not. No, we wouldn't have invented. It would have been like, hey, Carl, I found out if you rubbed some wood together, it gets real hot. I don't give a shit. I'm good. I'm fine. Right now. It's cool. We can make fire and cook our meat so we stop getting so sick. Sounds like a lot of work. To me, we all die at 17. It's fine. That's fine. It's 17 good ones. Okay, wait. What if in this reverse mirror world, when humans orgasm goes the only time they had like a moment's peace, it was just like, ah!

That's seeming to just be like, what a great sandwich. And then somebody be like, how much is happening? Please, God, give me what she's having. I just want a silence. All right. I have to do this one before we get to the audience questions. I'm sorry. I live by a locally run donut shop. One morning, this is a little bit of a long one, but hang in there. One morning, I went to get donuts from a boyfriend and my roommate, who I lovingly referred to as my boys. When I placed my order to drive through window, I told the owner slash cashier I was getting donuts for my boys. When she asked me how old my boys were, I panicked and told her they were five and seven years old.

My angels. My sweet little scamps. We then proceeded to have a detailed discussion about my assumed children to whom I pointed names and local elementary schools to make things worse. I drive a two seater smart car. She asked me how I managed to fit my kids in there to which I answered, Oh, I have another car that I use just for them. This is my life. My special boy car. We're like boarding on. This is in my boy. This is my donut car. I have a boy car for the boy times. Even worse, she gave me a bag of free donut holes for your little boys. Bet those tasted good. Brothers, how do I fix this situation and my guilt about eating those donut holes of shame? That's from Donut asked me about my kids in Austin, Texas.

You're cheering for a city that has this person in it. Yeah. You fucking champion. How good were those donuts? How good were those illicit holes? What? They were really good. Yeah. Donut holes taken. I see them and donut holes earned. I've always said that. Hey, you have to pack your bags and move away. Yeah. Sorry. We don't employ that one much, but no, you got to move. Sorry. Or next time, come in a different car, bigger car with your boyfriend in your roommate and introduce them as your boys. Don't blink an eye. Yeah.

These are my boys, Toddlin and Dugmer. Whatever you said their names. You can probably use their real names, I think maybe. What are their little boy names? Oh, yeah. What names? No, I need to know everything. What names when you were on the spot, did you give them? Did you say the real names? Oliver and Tony. Tony. My angels, my sweet ones. My sweet boys, Oliver and Tony. They also did get a protection racket for me. The good news is she fucking knew you were lying. For sure. They were pity holes. Yeah. This poor sad person. She must fucking love donuts, huh? I mean, like, really? What do you say we do some audience questions? We're going to call on folks. I know we just put

mics up, but it's not a TED talk. Please don't line up behind them. I'll call out from the left side. Okay. I see somebody at the end pointing to themselves. Yes, you. Yes. In the hoodie. Yes. Yes, you've done it. Hi. Hi. What's your name? Alexa. Hi, Alexa. So my question is I work remotely and we have lots of conference calls with people that I don't interface with. Some of them are older and don't use normal terminology. And one of the women on my team refers to people who are not very intelligent as who has. So refers to dumb people as who has. Yeah, like this who hot over here. I'm so delighted right now. Is there a question or are you just like, my co-worker is so cool?

No, I feel obligated to say something. Hey, look in that deep, dark, truthful mirror. Do you really feel obligated to say something? Because if you did, wouldn't be asking us. Yeah. Look at me right now. You don't, do you? I mean, I kind of do want to say something. Oh, okay. What? Oh, wait. This is fun. We never get this again. What would you say? That's a really delicate question. Yeah, it is. A really delicate true question. Yeah, I think that we live in a world where sometimes joy can be hard to come by. And if you, if you ruin this font of pure light for people, you have to live with that for all of your days is what I think. This is an important person. This means something. If you work with a person who says things like who has or erroneously uses the term

bust a nut, which we've talked about before, and you change them and that you've taken something from me in a way, because I might run into that person at Trader Joe's one day and literally bump into them and they're like, Hey, watch out you. Maybe so I'm going to bust a nut and I'm like, thank you. Does that fix everything? Just ride the wave. Just enjoy it. It's great. Keep it tally every time it happens. Yeah, record it secretly. Thank you. All right, let's try this side of the room. Okay, two hands. Yes, come on up to the microphone, not here. It's over there. Go on back, I guess. Hi. Hi. Hi. What's your name? Andrew. Hi, Andrew. So my wife and I are here celebrating our five year anniversary. Congratulations. What's your wife's name? Alexandria. So we got married five

years ago, but we met in high school. We've been together 11 and a half years. Okay. And so like I feel like I have to justify when I'm a younger person. And so people are like, Oh, it's so sweet. You've been together five years. It's like, well, actually, yeah, we've been together 11 years because we met. Yeah, no, it counts. It's a big, it's a big thing. Sure. You know, how can I kind of shorten that? Say it seven years? I mean, yes, with a difference. Hey, that's a great point, Justin. You can just fucking let we're married a hundred years. What? Yeah. I've been to him and buttoned and I'm the oldest person on earth. Yeah. Or two Benjamin buttons. Aren't you glad we found each other? You didn't see that in the movie. He didn't even look for another Benjamin

button. He was like, I found a non button. This will be sad at the end, I bet. Are you a button, by the way? Are you a Benjamin button? If you are, you have to tell us. Legally. Just say you've been together for 11 years. I, I, if you said that, I wouldn't be like married or dating. How long have you actually been like, you know, in love, like 10 years? Jesus. Travis, I just say, where do you start to count? No, no, no. Travis has a good point. Was it like hollow and shitty for a year or two? Because there have been a year in the middle where things were like, eh, where you're like, don't count it as one of the years, kind of one foot in one foot, sort of back in the cut a little bit, where you can just kind of...

Not really, no. Sorry. No, so I think your thing was bad. Yes. Hey, listen, relationships are hard and you've kept on working for a long time. Longer than anybody, right? You should be able to do that. You should be proud of yourselves, both of you. Congratulations. Thank you. Yes, wear it with honor. Thank you. Let's go somewhere in the middle. Yes, I'm going to say glasses stripy. Yes, yes. Glasses stripy is the most we've ever boiled down a human essence. I'm the new kid in town. Glasses stripy. Hi, I'm Sarah. Hi, Sarah. Born and raised in Texas. What's up? Hell yeah. My husband's family is from Arizona. Okay. And we've been together five years. Not as much of a response from that. We've been together five years now and his mom refers to a lot of things.

That's who, pause. Not correctly. So he calls, she calls Kalachi's Kalachkis and San Jacinto. Okay. And I've done both of those things in the last three days. Go on. I really, really want to correct her, but he says just let it go. And I don't know if I should just let it go as she's my mother. Yeah, I think we got it. Thank you. We got it. I'll tell you why you don't correct that. She's doing it on purpose. Oh yeah. Power play. Oh yeah. Thank you, Travis. That is of course the correct answer. Yeah. You're under psychic assault. Making words sound funny is funny. It's a thing that you do to entertainers. She knows it's Kalachi's. She's the person who's been in the world for a number of years. But she says Kalachi's because why not? We're all going to

die someday. Say funny words. So say shit wrong. I saw that word for the first time on a sign yesterday. So maybe not everybody knows this. Is it Kalachkums? No, keep telling me. I'm sure I'll get it right here in a second. I just call them what they are. Super banging pigs in a blanket. Sounds good. No, listen, there's nothing to be game here. I mean, there's like literally nothing to be game just like let it slide because there you it is a no win scenario for you to try to correct this person. Just let it happen. I know it's painful, but it's not your problem also. Nothing you have to worry about. Does that that was a neutral one? I know it didn't help. It was part of the course. It hurts my soul. Okay, sorry. Sorry, we'll get to you next time.

I see somebody wearing a white short sleeve shirt on the end on the oh wait, there's two in the fight fight. There's three now. Fuck. Oh god, they're multiplying. Any meaning my name? Oh, yeah, but the blonde hair. Yes, you've done now. Hey, hello. Sorry, that got really I didn't realize how many people wearing white shirts that wanted to ask questions. We're sitting at the end of the aisle. I would have thought, don't worry. Okay. What's your name? I'm mad. Hi. What's up? Okay, so I work at a summer camp and I'm gonna be actually I leave on Thursday for like three months. Oh, sure. Goodbye. Yeah. So last summer, I had to go by my last name. It's kind of weird last name and a bunch of the

younger kids like the youngest kids we get are like six or seven or whatever and they're like stay there for three nights and they all gave me a really embarrassing nickname because some of like I had another girl on staff who had the same first name as me. So she got first name dibs for some reason. That sucks. So all the little kids started calling me Rhino mom. Whoa. What goes with my last name? I don't know. It's stupid. So I want to be cool. This other girl's not on staff this summer and how do I become how do I rename myself? I want to rebrand myself. How old are these kids again? They range from like six and seven to like 18. You'll have some trouble. The older kids are nicer though. So that's okay. They're not scared. Yeah. You could tell an 18 year old like, don't

call me Rhino mom. You're 18. You know empathy at this. You wouldn't. Okay. So you're you're cool. Good, good, good, good. Can I tell a quick sidebar real quick? One time I was filling out a job application to be a camp counselor because I thought I'd be pretty good at it. A bunch of laughter. Thanks. You hurt my feelings. I was filling it out and I swear to God I hit a point in the application where it said this is not your opportunity to experiment with growing facial hair and I said fuck this and I threw it out because that was gonna be you've ever gotten a rebellion. Yeah. I don't know how you tell a six. Got to wear a t-shirt that says nice to meet you. I'm mad and like a rebrand and get some marketing in there. Yeah. Hashtag some sort of hashtag. Hashtags.

Yes, those are a few emojis. Yeah, all the staff members to call me either my first name or my last name. So it's really awkward. Yeah, because they'll go like, Hey, everybody to get people's attention. I'll be at the front and it'll be like, Hey, because no one knows what to say. Do you know a thing I've been trying this when someone does something or calls me something I don't like just turn to them and go, don't. Whoa, shit. Travis doesn't have a lot of friends, but the ones that I do, they call me Travis. Travis doesn't have any friends, but he has a lot of campers who listen to every fucking word he says. You have to distinguish yourself with a hobby. Listen, get super good at basketball. Everyone will call you hoops. It worked for me. It could work

for you. All right. I like it. Does that help hoops? Don't fix everything hoops. Let us do one more. All right. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you. We got time for one more. All right. This cat in the glasses and the zip up. Yes, stand up. It's you. You've done it. You had another person pointing at you which doubled your chances. That's a strategy for next time. Keeping in mind, Austin, he's tall too. So yeah, what's your name? I'm Walker. Hi, Walker. So I just want to know what that donut place was. Oh, fair enough. What was that donut place? All right. It's a good one. All right. Thanks, Laura. Hope we helped. Now, we're ending on that note. That was it. That was a lot. We said, we can't take it back. That's a big finish. Thanks. We just yelped to end our show.

Thank you to the Paramount for joining us. Hold on. I will say, if it was Ms. Johnson's, I was going to nark on you so fucking hard your head would spin. If Ms. Johnson's ever goes out of business because of your kid fraud, I will, I have a certain set of skills I will find you. Thank you. Everybody go to Ms. Johnson's on airport after this show and patronize the fuck out of that place. Okay. All right. Thank you for listening to our podcast. My brother, my brother may thank you to the Paramount for having us. Thank you, Paramount. This is so cool. I didn't appreciate the lights wrong. This is a fucking beautiful building. Why are we here? Why are we allowed in? This is the first place that we've done a show at that I think I've actually like seen a bunch of

shows at. So this is pretty strange for me. Yeah. Thank you to... John Roderick. John Roderick along with Tissues. Thank you to Max Fun for having us, the Max Fun Fun Network. Thank you to Sawbones for a very, very good show opening up. I was literally backstage eating those delicious fly right sandwiches like... Oh, no. Oh, no. I would also like to say thank you to our wives. Yes, thank you. For watching after our children so we could do this show. Thank you, Rachel and... Thank you, Teresa. Teresa and Cindy. Thank you all. Thank you, awesome. Thank you, daddy. Thank you. Thank you. And Carol for helping watch the baby's backstage. Whoo. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Austin, Texas. Yeah. The last time we were in Austin was in 2012 and we had a... Was anybody at that show?

All right. If you weren't, it was fucking super weird. It was basically an empty building that we had to light ourselves. We showed up and nobody was there and there wasn't anybody there. Our wives had to sell eggnog and cookies. Well, we gave them away actually. And we strung up Christmas lights ourselves and there were 200 people and we did two shows back to back. And now we're here. So I guess thank you to everyone. And on earth. Griffin, give me that fucking final yahoo. This final fucking yahoo was sent in by level 9000. Yadru, Drew, Drew Davenport. Thank you, Drew. It's by Yadru, answers user... It says the Nikki Bella, but I'm pretty sure it's not the Nikki Bella. She's a wrestler. Nikki Bella asks, did the owners of Prego Spaghetti Sauce think of

pregnant women when they came up with anything in Prego? Because it's short for pregnant. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother and brother. Let me kiss your dad. Squill on the lip. The Dead Pilot Society podcast brings you hilarious comedy pilots that were never made, featuring actors like Aubrey Plaza, Andy Richter, Paul F. Tompkins, John Hodgman, Adam Scott, Molly Shannon, Busy Phillips, Tom Lennon, Anna Kamp, Lori Metcalf, Alicia Day, Michael Ian Black, Adam Savage, Paul Scheer, Ben Schwartz, Skyler Aston, Mae Whitman, Josh Malina, Ben Feldman, Nicole Byer, Jason Ritter, Sara Chalk, Steve Agee, Jane Levy, Allison Tolman, Danielle Nicolette,

Casey Wilson, Anne Ortiz, Lorraine Newman, June Diane Raphael, Keenan Schippke, Ed Week, Kathryn Edge, Kathy Silver, John Ross Bowie, Jamie Denbo, Janet Varney, Alison Foreston,