My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 357: A Wonderful Hug From Goro

Episode Date: May 30, 2017

Today's episode features a drop-in from our critically acclaimed Twin Peaks fancast-within-a-podcast, The Bookhouse Boys. We've got answers for all the questions this twisted series throws at you -- questions like: What's with all this coffee? Hey! What's even going on here?! Whoa!?! Suggested talking points: Bookhouse Boys, Dream Interpretation, Arcade Desires, Tender Kombat, Daniel Dunkin, Real Emo, Hardee's Softcows

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother mean advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. Listen boys, here's the thing. I don't want to do my brother, my brother anymore.

I want to just talk about Twin Peaks and I have a pretty big, listen, but I have a bold theory that I would like to pitch to you guys. Welcome to our Twin Peaks theory cast, Twin, put three Peaks, no? Garmin Bozha boys. The Red Room boys. The Red Room boys. The Red Room boys. The Fun Lodge.

Gum boys. Gum you like. Peepums. The Gum. The Bookhouse boys. The Bookhouse boys. Done. Cut.

Sold it. Got it. Bookhouse boys. So here's the thing. I've been watching Twin Peaks, The Return and I realized it might have a connection. Did you guys know that there was a similarly named show that came out in the 90s? Okay. And I think the two might be connected.

All right. So the theory is that Twin Peaks, The Return has a connection to another tell it was the other television show, David Lynch run as well, because I know he likes to sort of weave his universes together. I haven't, I haven't checked IMDb. I know Kyle McLaughlin is in both. Whoa. Okay.

So great, right? It's not poor landing, is it? Because if that's the connection, then you've just named two things that Kyle McLaughlin's been in. No, it's show girls. No way. Sorry. No, that's something different. But that is connected because those both take place in Nevada.

2017 Twin Peaks takes place in Nevada. I'm talking about, there's a 1990 show called Twin Peaks. What the fuck? I know. How did they even get away? How did Showtime even get away with making this damn thing then? Because they just- Well, the 90s were the Wild West.

Nobody even has like records of that shit anymore. But I found it buried deep on Netflix. And I was like, hey, what is this show? Yeah. Now, I think I remember this show that you're talking about from the 90s because it was on ABC, the America's Broadcasting Channel. And it came on right after TGIF. It was like, thank God it's Friday.

And then at like 10.30 p.m., it's like, where's your God now? Because this show is, if I remember, kind of spooky and kind of fun and a little sexy. And so, is that, what's the connection? Is it just the name or is there other stuff to- Griffin, listen, the list of connections is downright fucking spooky, right? So, I've been watching this 90s one. There's a woman with a log, right? Okay.

In the new one, woman with a log. There's references to coffee in the 90s one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello. They talk about coffee in the 2017 one. That's about it. That's as far as the list goes, actually. Okay.

And that and Kyle McLaughlin. And break. Okay, so pretty fun bit. One of the things that I think would make it funnier is if there were, if you literally did not just list all the connective tissue between all Twin Peaks and New Twin Peaks. If the two Twin Peaks were in any way similar other than the ways you just listed, then it probably would have landed a little better.

But it is, in fact, basically a completely different show. I'd like to, let's talk, can I try a different sort of Twin Peaks run? Sure. And we're back in. Do you guys ever think that David Lynch just wants to fuck a big cup of coffee? Just watch any shows and stick with me. There's a lot of stuff that I think David Lynch is really horny for, that I think we would consider.

All avant-garde. Sure. That's a really flattering way of thinking about it. It's just like sometimes you watch things and you get a really close up picture of like some pie that like a woman wearing some 1950s clothes puts down on a counter. And it's like, David Lynch wants to fuck all this whole aesthetic. I think he's probably, I don't want to, he's a very talented man, but I think he's probably made love to a big like redwood tree at some point.

So we are going to have two episodes in a row where we talk about fucking pies, right? So this is our second one, sequentially. Well, I'm not saying, I'm not saying, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm not saying he has fucked a pie. I'm saying he wants to very, very badly. You're just saying he's fucked a redwood. He did fuck a tree. Yes.

That's, that one's true. Why would the pie gentleman not take the pie to his room? This has bothered me for a long time. Oh, from the pie gentleman movies. He's directed by David Lynch. He knows he shares the space with Eugene Levy, his father. Yeah. Why would he do the thing in his kitchen?

He knows he shares that. Well, why would he do that? Floyd would say, Justin, that he is hoping to get caught. That is interesting. This is an underlying guilt that he wants to be punished for this action, which he knows is wrong. That's just it. When, when Shermanator tells him about this pie thing,

he says the guilt is what makes it so sexy, Jason Biggs. So, and it does, it does. It does. I just asked David, like it, it feels great to. But had that I would rather talk about Twin Peaks for an hour than do jokes. Is that a normal impulse to have? Only in that it would be poisonous to our show. To our show, yeah.

Yeah, because Twin Peaks isn't at all hot right now, Griffin. People aren't just looking for that sweet Twin Peaks content. I mean, I watched Twin Peaks The Return and there's part of me where when I, when I see Kyle McLaughlin barfing up a gallon of creamed corn, I think like, I'm probably one of 50 people that enjoy this, right? There can't possibly be more than. I am enjoying this, but I have to be in them again. There can't be any more than, oh, 50.

I have to be a member of an elite group who enjoy watching Kyle McLaughlin vomit up a hysterical amount of creamed corn. Right. I'm the only one. Spoilers, by the way, spoilers for Twin Peaks The Return, Kyle McLaughlin just expunges a ludicrous amount. Tubbs full, but Max and Irma's ice cream bathtub full of Garmin Bozia. This week, sponsored by Max and Irma's.

Get that bowl of Garmin Bozia here at Max and Irma's and everything. Should we do advice? Griffin, can I say I would love that. I'd rather talk about Twin Peaks. I'm still, I'm going to work Twin Peaks into a couple of my answers. See if you can spot when I do. Okay. Okay.

This will be a fun game. Last night I had a dream. Well, this is an easy. The owls. Last night I had a dream that I filled up my tank and while giving me change, the attendant called my eye and slips an extra 50 into my change. He leaned in and whispered, this is a test before telling me to have a good day. What does this mean?

Okay. Yo, we have expanded beyond the scope of advice at this point. This is secretly our Twin Peaks episode. If this is the caliber of episodes, if we're getting into dream interpretation, can we just pretend, let's remove a few words from this question. Let's remove I had and a and dream. So just last night I filled up my tank and while giving me change, the attendant caught my eye.

That would make this a much more palatable sort of request. Yeah. Let's just try that. But also a much more fireable offense for this gas station attendant. Well, it's a test trap. So. Oh, he's not a Jamie Kennedy experience. Yeah, not necessarily giving them a 50 bucks.

Daryl, your till is $350 short again. Well, they must be tested. This is like what Morpheus did when we woke up. We woke Neo up from the Matrix dream. And he said, this is a test. He said, this is a test. He said, this is a test. There's a good way and a bad way to do it.

Are you a robot? Matrix movie one. Have you guys ever thought about how different that movie would be if Neo had taken the other pill? Wow, right? Where's that fan film? It would just be him waking up the next morning, going to Subway. It would basically just be the office. Wait, we're starting Neo.

Oh, shit. Justin, you just opened my whole fucking thing. Holy shit. Yeah. When Jim looks at the camera, it's like, I should have taken the other pill. Get me out of here. Get me out of here. This Dwight robot.

He's a real pill. It doesn't mean anything. You just ate some weird food during the day. That's what dreams are. And that's what I believe. A lot of people say it's like a collection of your experiences that all get garbled up in there and then they get barfed back up like so much garbage by Kyle McLaughlin. But I think it's just you ate like a weird, you ate too many cinnamon rolls during the day.

It's an undigested bit of beef, a lot of mustard, a crumb of cheese. It's some chili you ate that got up in your brain somehow. And then it was like, all right, let's do $50 gas station test. Here we go. Hit it. Roll it. Roll that beautiful bean footage. You know, guys, I've been thinking a lot about Tibet.

And okay, here it is. What? And that's about as far as my joke went though. So God, this coffee, this coffee I'm drinking is so sexy. These pretzels are making me. You know, we went back to my place and bought a Bing, bought a boom, you know, from Twin Peaks. You know, the part in Twin Peaks for the woman the fiance dies because she looked too many envelopes.

And then could I be any more possessed? Yeah, I know. That's my favorite part of the show. Smelly cat. Remember the smelly cat? I do Twin Peaks. That if they could just decipher, they'd figure out who killed Laura Palmer. And also why the cat was so smelly.

Yeah, good. I love playing arcade games, but as a childless 30-year-old man, I feel weird going to the local putt-putt slash arcade by myself. We live in a small town in Georgia, so the closest grown-up arcade a la Dave and Busters is almost 90 minutes away. How can I satiate my desire to play childish games without actually having a child? That's from 2-0 for this shit in Leesburg. Leesburg's pretty country.

I got a great mall. Oh, you know. Used to work out there. Wait, what? Yeah, for a couple summers. Leesburg, Virginia. I was working at Children's Theater. This is Georgia.

This is Georgia, buddy. Yeah, it's a pretty country up there. Okay. My name is Lee, and I'm claiming this one, too. Not again. You already got one, Lee. You already got one. Well, I like this one also.

If you had to buy, you know, my hangout with buying them has always been, if it breaks, that just became a very expensive place to put dust under. Like, that's a very expensive. That's a good point, Jamie. I was trying to come up with something. There's literally, at that point. There's nothing like it.

Nothing. Like, I was going to make a joke like paperweight. Absolutely not. No, I don't think I will lift that up to put paper under anything. It's a lot like nothing. It reminds me of the episode of Twin Peaks where they bought the Frogger machine. Yes.

And the problem, too, with the arcade machine and it breaking down is, I don't think they're making new ones. I don't think anyone's made an arcade machine since 1998. So, like, you're wrong. So, like, okay, I don't need those tweets. I know, I'm speaking hyperbolically. Okay. They're not as popular as they used to be.

So there's a lot not as many new ones being made. What arcade machine would you get? This is the problem, isn't it? Because, like, anything you get, it fucking somebody comes into your din or whatever and is like, whoa, you must really like Smash TV. Like, yeah, I guess I do. Is it your favorite game is all you do play Smash TV?

Because all your other games are little CDs and they go in your box and you play them. And this is the only one you have that's the size of a coffin. So you must really like Smash TV for it to occupy this much square footage anyhow. Yeah, I guess I'd, I guess it's a pretty good game. I used to be, I used to like it. I used, yeah.

Oh, you better like, man, you must play a lot of Smash TV. And that's so much anymore. It is Smash, it's 100 years old. And I did pay like $2,000 for this and it's the size of a coffin and it's in my den and it's taken up a lot of square footage. But it is still Smash TV and I've beaten it quite a few times. And, like, I just play, I just finished Prey on PS4.

It's a great little RPG shooter. I don't want it to be the size of a coffin in my office forever. And it's just going to be there for a while until one of its pieces breaks and then I never touch it again. Boy, you like Prey a lot, huh? To have this big box of it. What I might do is what you could do is do one of the, like a cocktail.

Now that I could get. Parking cabinet. Yeah, because then that, when it breaks. The table. Now you got a table. Yeah. You got a table. They also, you could do like one of those

emulator things where, like, within the cabinet is a computer that has, like, a thousand games. But, well, I mean, you pay for it. But it's not, I don't think that that has any street cred. There are three arcade games that I would own in a heartbeat. Here we go. Joust. Burger Time.

A Travis. And Tapper. I fucking love Tapper. So my, oh, yes. Tapper. That's my third. DDR would at least, I would get some good exercise out of it. And the dealer no-deal machine, it would just be nice to have, like,

Howie Mandel's voice booming from my garage every, like, minute and a half. You know what I mean? Like, I'm just in the living room watching Twin Peaks. And just, like, having a really great time with my kids. And then. Howie's in attract mode. And he's in attract mode, like, come on, Donna, to open these fucking briefcases. It's like, whoa.

All right, I don't know why. You just lost a million dollars, fuckface. Okay, howie. Whoa. If you did buy, like, a machine like that, you do really have two options, right? Like, you're just to have this, like, stupid, malfunction, like, pointless box of glass and steel, or you can have Howie Mandel shouting at you 24 hours a day. There's really not a good option for your dealer no-deal machine.

What if you just got, like, a licensed and, like, connected to the system video gambling machine just, like, right in your house. That was, like, fully, like, you could put money in it. You could win money. Some, like, really, really porny. It would be good, too, because someone would be like, well, Justin, your gambling's out of control. You've got to stop.

And he's like, I don't think that's a wise investment. I don't think I've got my money back out of it. Justin, you've got to stop playing so much video poker. The house always wins. Like, motherfucker, I am the house. Is it my house? Is it my house? I win.

I can't get rid of it. I can't quit gambling because this investment is either going to pay for itself or not, like, very much. But it might. You never know. I'm going to keep hitting it. A lot of bad beats today. I'm having a bad day at poker, but the cards are so sexy, so horny and sexy.

It's just fun. It's kind of fun and flirty to play it, because you know you shouldn't be. Here, I want to read this yahoo, because it's a good transition. It's from level 9000. Javanport, thank you. It's from YatchaRanthor's user. Sorry, something's gone wrong. I'll say Dougie asks,

what do you think it would feel like to get crushed or killed by Goro from Mortal Kombat? Probably not good. Like, not good. Well, maybe it's like a hug that's like one degree too much. Yeah, it's like two hugs, so Goro does have that happening. Goro's a big man from Mortal Kombat. He's got four arms, I think. Or does he have six?

Not six. Six is too many. I feel like he's got the four arms and the two legs, which are kind of like arms, but with feet at the end. You're right. Okay, so six, sort of stick out body parts. Whatever they're called. I feel like at first it might be kind of nice.

Okay. You know what I mean? Like, until you died from it, at first it might be like, man, four arm hug. Yeah. Nobody gets these, but you are getting it, you know? So it's good, good, good, good, good, good, very bad. Roto, yeah. That's about the trajectory of it.

Good, good, good, good, good, good, nothing. So what I guess what I'm saying is like, as a way to go. Yeah, it's not bad. Right? Because it would be like, oh, this is so nice. I'm getting tired. Done. Like, that's it.

Yeah, Scorpion is just like, oh no, he got me with his big grappling hook thing. Oh, it's in me. He's pulling me towards me. He took off his mask. There's just a dang skull of under there. This is all very scary. Oh, he burned me up. Every part of that, from the grappling hook to the skull to the burning, was scary.

But Goro's just like, hey, hey, do get over here. Oh, get on in here. Get on in here. That was actually his catchphrase. Get on in here. Get up into this. Get up into this and pop. Done.

The Scorpion is irritating because you would definitely have a good 15 seconds where like, the thing is in your chest. You're like, oh, man. Oh, man. How? Why would you? Sub-zero frees you. And you're like, oh, I'm frozen.

If he punched me, if he punched me now, I'll break all over. And I'm watching him because I'm froze. I can't, I can't not watch him. And I got a face right. And he's walking over. He's going to punch me. I just thought he would break. He broke me.

I'm done. It is, it is doubly irritating because he said get over here and he didn't even give me a chance. Like you said it, give me especially the second time that you've done it. I clearly know the stakes, right? I'm going to get over there. If you just ask, you don't need the hook again. I don't understand this carrot and stick approach. Just like, just ask me to come over there and I will for sure.

It's just, there's no, there's no other fighter. Kung Lao, you see the razor brimmed hat before you even start fighting. You're like, he's going to cut me very bad with that. And now I'm just anticipating it. Can we not do this, please? You know, here's, okay. I would like to take a second to talk about who I think is the most insulting character in the Mortal Kombat universe.

And that's Johnny Cage because here's the thing. You look around, you got a Scorpion, he shoots out a thing. Or you talk about your Sub-Zero, he can freeze you. Gora, he's got fucking forums. Johnny Cage is just a human. And when he kills you, he gives you a signed headshot of himself. That is so insulting to the person he's just killed. What?

He's a prick. Yeah. It's like, hey, I killed you and you can shoot out ice and chains and have four arms. And I killed you with my simple human strength. Yeah. You know, and also the other thing is if you kill Johnny Cage, like as you're killing him, he's like, well, I'm a human. Good job.

Yeah. Nice. Yeah, I'm a real person, Justin. Does it feel good? This is your first taste of it. Great. I think that Johnny Cage should never be able to win a fight in Mortal Kombat. And here's why.

He's fighting up against a seven foot dude with like four arms. I don't think he wins that fight. Obviously he did in the Mortal Kombat movie because he used a little bit of trickery. But like he's fighting against a guy who could do ice magic. I don't, I wouldn't win that fight. I don't see why Johnny Cage gets to. What do you think of be like to be kissed by Goro for Mortal Kombat on the mouth? So Goro, you got a Yahoo or?

Or John, you want to read another question? Not tender. I think he has. Wait, how the fuck do you know? Do you think just because he's a big strong person with four arms, who can crush you that he can't also tenderly kiss a person? I think Goro would be an excellent kisser and let's move on. And with that said, I go to the same.

I think Goro fucks like a leaf like falling off of the most beautiful tree. So is there a nude Goro online that I can? I mean, probably. Can you generate a nude Goro? Hey, everybody, this is your pal Griffin. Just want to let you know. Those those eight characters that just typed into the Google search bar. I think I may have found the worst eight characters you could type into Google.

Oh, I got to get a quick one. Oh, no, he did it. I will say there's a lot of just sort of regular old pornography here in the mix, too, as if Google was like, I'm not going to give you that. But I can tell what you're trying to get to mean. You probably meant to just type nude, right? Right. The Goro is a typo.

I go to the same coffee place every single morning. Nice. Damn good coffees. Damn good coffee. Got it. Yeah, got it. The same guy, Daniel always makes my same vanilla iced coffee every day. Everything was normal and fine.

But for the last two weeks, he's been pestering me about getting something else and saying things like, don't you want to try the new brownie espresso flavor? Or we've got something new for you, a fruity drink, and gets visibly disappointed slash annoyed whenever I politely decline. It just asks for my same vanilla iced coffee. It's been making me feel pretty uncomfortable slash pressured. Is there any way I can ask him to please quit pressuring me and just make boring drink? Or do I have to find another Duncan to dunk in?

That's from the girl with the Duncan tattoo. Okay, listen, I don't know how to break this to you, but he may be. Take a seat. He may be doing that to everyone because he works at a business. So I'm not sure, but he may just have to ask you about the new drink that they've got and see if you want one. Because you know how it happens at every store like that? It may be what's going on here.

Now, I can understand your confusion because he's obviously very, very bad at his job. If he's throwing up fucking solid gold shark tank pitches, like, we got something new in stock, fruity drink. What does that even mean? You know. I have to imagine this question. Asgore has not actually been paying that close attention to the pitches. Maybe Daniel didn't throw up this rock.

Maybe they just heard, you know, mango, strawberry. And then that's all they heard. They're like, yes, this is a fruity drink. I don't know. He's just a, he's just a chittering automaton that makes my vanilla iced coffee for me. Unless, unless I'm going to deliver this in a tone of voice. And it's possible, just possible that this is how Daniel said it. Don't you want to try the new Brownie Espresso flavor?

Oh, I see. This is with an implied please. Yes. This, this, you mean Travis, this is him, the man, the myth, the legend, Daniel Duncan. I worked so hard to make this. It's a drink, but fruity flavors instead of vanilla. I thought you would, Samantha, I thought you'd really like this. It's got mango time in it.

You don't want, I made it for you. Yeah, I made it for you. My dad, Carl Donuts, said that nobody would like this. And I didn't believe him. He said, people just want that coffee. But yeah, I didn't believe him. He sounds like that. And I didn't believe him.

And I guess I should have listened. I guess nobody does want a fruity drink. Got all his mango back here. It's starting to stink. Buy a fruity drink next time and throw it to the floor as hard as you possibly can. So it splashes all over the store and yourself. And then while you're still sort of dripping with the Kiwi stuff, just say like, now, what did we learn, Daniel Duncan?

I'll have the regular. Call him that to his face, Daniel Duncan. Call him that to his face. Say Daniel Duncan. And he'll say, you know, I, you don't have to be a member of the Duncan family to work here. And I'll say, I know how this, I know how this whole cabal works. Or you're calling Daniel Duncan. He'll fly off on a giant spoon and you'll solve the mystery.

He's like the Baba Yaga. If you say his true name, he has to leave and go to torment another village. Yeah, I'd love to try that fruity drink. Can you just say your name backwards? If you could just say that out loud, I'd be here's what you do. You get the fruity drink, you upturn it on his head and say, either you just want a major sporting event or I want you to fucking listen to me next time. Yeah.

And I guarantee you'll never have this issue again. You just want the Super Bowl. I don't pay you to thank Daniel. You just want the Super Bowl of not giving me the drink I want. Well done, coach. Gonna definitely take him that big brass ring for this year. If we're going to buy our own vanilla iced coffees, I don't know. I got nothing.

It's time to go to Muddy's own. What do you think it's like to be crushed and killed by Daniel from the... Father's Day is just around the corner and dads can be impossible to shop for. Difficult to find something that feels special he'll actually use. Always wait in the last minute, et cetera. You know, this is a common copy point that we get. Hey, everybody's impossible to shop for. Nobody, it's impossible to buy gifts for anybody.

Except for babies. It's really easy to get stuff for babies. If it crinkles, if it shakes, you're good. You can buy things that are too grown up for babies and just say like, it's too big for him now, but just wait for it. And then you never have to fucking find out if they liked it or not. It's delayed reaction. It's perfect.

Since I became a dad, actually, it's weird. I've turned into just a really unsatisfiable, picky piece of shit. So I get it. Yeah. Well, here's a great solution for that, Griffin. Harry's. It's all about a great shave at a fair price. You get five German crafted blades, flex hinge lubricating strip.

100% quality guarantee. There's a full refund if you're not happy. And they just cost $2 a blade or less, which is half the price being generous of the leading five razor brand. And the shave sets from Harry's, they start off at just $15. And you get $5 off when you go to harrys.com slash my brother. You'll get a razor handle, moisturizing shave gel and three of Harry's. That gum you like is going to go back in trial.

Yeah, I was going to say, is this a Twin Peaks reference? That sometime. And it's got a flex hinge. So sometimes the blades been back. And it's interesting that $15 set is named Harry Truman after the share from Twin Peaks. Yeah. Harry's limited edition Father's Day Shave Set comes with a Storm Gray razor handle. Chrome razor stick, because that's all dads could love anymore.

That's the one color, guys. This is what dads could handle. If it's not the color of a battleship, dads aren't interested. Free relationship blades and a travel cover. And it comes in a sleek, giftable box without you to add custom engraving and a personalized card for free. Don't try to get your own box. No, no, no.

Don't try to get your own box. It may not be giftable. Your dad may throw it back in your face. And that's dangerous. It's full of razor blades. Full of razor blades. You might actually find that it's, you're unable to keep it. That you try to retain it.

But it continues to escape and present itself to someone you love. Unlike that dumb box that you have, you give it to your dad or uncle or whatever. And then the next day it's sitting on your couch, like the mask, because you can't gift it, dummy. So that address, again, harrys.com slash my brother. That's harrys.com slash my brother. We did a good job. $5 off a shave set.

Hell yeah. Go down. Go down. I need to look at this one, because there's a lot of red text on this one that we're not allowed to say. Well, that's because this one's a serious business. That's what I'm going to say about Betterment. It's a serious business.

And they have lots of things that we just can't say because of laws. But it's the largest independent online financial advisor. That ain't no law against that. And they help improve customers' long-term returns and lower taxes for retirement planning, building wealth and other financial goals. That was all a legal sentence. A legal sentence I just said. So we're good so far.

You know how you listen to our show hoping to get some financial advice? Well. Oh God, no. Don't do that. Betterment.com slash M-B-M-B-A-M, it says I have to tell you that investing involves risk. So that's done. That is true. That's out of the way.

And this one also, their tagline Betterment, rethink what your money can do. I think though, I don't know how many of our listeners want to get investing. So I think the best thing we can do is offer us, offer really bad investing advice. And then they'll be like, well, this is obviously not right. Let's go to Betterment. So like, for instance, if I said like, y'all, it's time to double down on cans. You want to get as much money in cans as you possibly can. See, and that's, we can do something fun with that too.

Like cans are popping off. It's everybody's favorite way to store things. Investing involves risk guys. Oh, it's risky shit. It's risky. You don't, you need professionals like those at Betterment.com. Man, I hope this is all legal to say. So find out how you can get up to six months managed for free by going to Betterment.com

slash M-B-M-B-A-M. Betterment, rethink what your money can do. I'm rethinking because I've just, I put all my, put my fucking shirt into cans, y'all. My baby's, my baby's retirement fund that I was saving up for them. Is it a shirt? I put it in cans. It was a shirt. I was going to sell my shirt so my baby can go to good college. Is it a good shirt?

Love that Oh Henry story. This shirt costs $250,000. Here's a message for Peter Owen. It's a Jumbotron message. If you want to get a Jumbotron on the show too bad, we sold out. Here's a message and it's for Peter Owen and it's from Nicole Rupp who says, My dearest love, happy first anniversary from your favorite brothers and your favorite wife. Aren't you glad I made you listen to that first time?

Aren't you glad I made you listen that first time? I hope this message makes up for some of the times I left the lid off or something. I love you Cole. Wait, Cole. Cole? Wait, what? This is, oh, Nicole. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Oh, and let me tell you something. Let me tell you guys something. I have everybody listening. Cans? No lid to leave off. There it's a one time deal. Please buy these fucking cans. My house is full of cans.

My house is full completely with cans. Happy anniversary, Nicole and Peter. Well, I want- I want a can of anniversary. All right. That's good, Travis. I'm just trying to do some branding. Can I bring you on as a marketing media manager or whatever?

Because I gotta move these cans, Travis. I'm sitting on 10 cans right now. Here's a slogan for you, Griffin. Nobody hates these cans that could help, too. From Twin Peaks? I want to tell you guys about the Nisei Garage. It's a monthly music show. Well, it may be Nisei.

It may be Nice Garage. A monthly music showcase hosted out of Ripe Art Gallery in Huntington, New York. You get three acts per show with different bands every time. Now, you want to hear some new music? Go to NiseiGarageMusic.com and you get an archive of every show spanning over two years and 50 plus acts. And if you're local to Long Island, you can check out Nisei Garage on Facebook for show info and updates.

They got new recordings and videos to those pages once a week, so there's bound to be something for everybody. Don't be fooled. Don't go to shittygarage.com. That's completely different. Okay, let me see this garage. Whoa, yeah. They shouldn't call this a garage.

When I hear garage, I think of my old paint cans and my classic cars that I have. My sort of J-Lin-O-S collection of classic cars. Covered in paint cans. Covered in paint cans. This looks like a nice garage. One where you can keep a big freezer full of jerky or something. Or like musicians.

All right. Freezer full of musicians. What's Ben Affleck and or Drake up to? What show should I be watching right now? Should The Rock Run for President? How about Oprah? What's a great French film about Lady Cannibals? Who's stronger?

Luke Cage or Iron Fist? For answers to these questions and so much more, come on over to Pop Rocking, a pop culture roundtable discussion that always has a fun, diverse panel talking about the stuff we love. Catch us every Wednesday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you decide to get your podcast. I'm not going to judge. This is sitting by Brulee who says, thank you, Brulee.

It's by Yahoo Answers user Ella who says, who are the real emos? Who do you think are the real emos in our society today? We have many people dressing like them, but who are the real ones? I think it's hard to tell because they're people who try to look cool until they dress like an emo, and they're real people who suffer and are truly emotional.

Who agrees? How do you agree or disagree with who are the real emos? Who are the real emos? Because you see somebody and they have that wild hair that I see on kids at the mall and it's like, are you all? But you can't say it, but it's like, are you all? But really, you think about it and maybe the real emos is like Tom Bergeron. See, okay, Griffin, here's the question.

Is it a subversion thing where it's like you look at someone and you're like, they look emo, but they're not real, and that person doesn't look emo and they really are? Or is it that within the population of the emo looking population, there are actual emos in there? It's so much deeper than your just wild mall hair or your just sort of the clothes that they all have. For me, it's, I mean, it is the music, but you can never ever tell. Jill Biden loves Panic at the Disco and you wouldn't know that, but she's real emo.

Do you guys remember Balloon Boy? Yes. Do you remember Balloon Boy? He went up in the balloon or he didn't and his parents were trying to get onto it. He was real emo. He was one. So that's at least two. Yeah.

Chris Caraba, the lead singer for Dashboard Confessional? Not. Not really. Weird. Just cashing in on it. The Heaney family, you know their emo because Richard Heaney made an invention called Bear Scratch that is a long log that you nail to a corner of your home and then you rub your back on it and that's it's a long stick that you adhere to your wall and then you scratch your back with it.

It's called Bear Scratch. If you had to pick one, who would you say is more emo? Joe Montana or Joe Montaña? Well, Joe Montana used to throw footballs for money and they don't let him anymore. That's it. So he's probably not happy. He's probably not feeling great. He's probably got like weird swollen shoulders with like football bone spurs and that would make that I think he I think he definitely listens to taking back on that.

I thought he had swollen shoulders from not being able to throw footballs. I have to get the throws out. They're building up in there. He owns a lot of sunny sunny-day real estate albums, all of them. On the flip side though, Joe Montaña constantly has to remind people that he's not Chaz Palmentieri. So that that may be something that he's kind of sad about. And Joe Montana. No, no, you've misunderstood.

Man, God. Hey, Joe, as long as we got you here, can we chuck the big skit around? I mean, I guess. Yeah, right, I guess. I mean, yeah, you know I'm not Joe Montana. Oh, no, I know. I've just always wanted to play football with you, Joe Montaña. Okay, did you guys ever play on Genesis?

Joe Montaña's football went away. It was good because the quarterback was Joe Montaña, the actor. And he would he did not throw the football well or accurately. So it was really a running game. Yeah, very, very focused on the running game and Joe Montaña. Have you guys ever wondered if maybe they were switched at birth? And Joe Montaña was supposed to be a football star and Joe Montana was supposed to be an actor? If your name is sliding doors, huh?

There's no reality in which you're not a football quarterback. Like you have to be with that name. Well, but Justin, if Joe Montaña had gone to the right family, he would have been Joe Montana. The last thing doesn't travel with the baby wherever it goes. That's the outliers, people. That's that's what Malcolm Gladwell was talking about. Yeah, the whole chapter about Montana versus Montana

and how our last name affects the child's football performance is one of the more esoteric, but I think enjoyable chapters of the outliers. You cannot go to an all-time low concert without seeing John Madden there. He's he's truly, I think that's about as deep as it gets. He, as long as we're talking about football gentlemen, deep, deep, deep roots in the emo community. I'm just saying you never, you don't look at somebody with their wild hair and say, you're in emo because you don't know that John Madden is deeply, deeply into the scene.

That's actually really hard for him too, because he refuses to fly. So he's got to get on that big bus every time and just follow all-time low around. He'll just travel with them. He'll like be in the bus with them and just be like, great set last night. Boom. He makes his bus pull over at the same rest stops they do. Like literally every time they use the bathroom, they hear echoing in the men's room.

I can't believe I'm taking a dump with all-time low. Yeah, he's so excited. It's my dream. This is not my dream. Yeah, we did it yesterday, John. Now give back it. We need to practice some new songs. Justin's doing a Paramore song.

This is my favorite track. I want a month. Squad. Squad. I want two months. Squad. Squad. Good news.

I just found out this week that Carl's Jr. and Hardy's have a site for press releases. And I'm pretty excited about that. Because they up to some shit all the way. They're into the business. This may, I've read a lot of these. This may be the most buck wild opening. It's a real up and down. So hold on for the ride of your life.

After welcoming back fictional founder Carl Hardy Sr. Wait. What? I'm sorry. Tire screech. What? And purging their past live on the internet last weekend. Um, so yeah.

So I guess. They're on some, they're on some McElroy level of meta fiction right now that I am kind of deeply into. So here's the wild thing about, this is an advertising campaign where they had an old man pretend to be Carl's Carl Hardy's senior. And the reason the place has been garbage for so long is that his son Carl Hardy Jr. was running the place. And that's why they've been garbage for so long. So that's like, that's the advertising campaign that they were trying for.

So now Carl Hardy Sr. That's one way, that's one way to do it. When Domino's did this, Domino's are like, yeah, our pizza's trash. We're going to fix it. And then they fix it. It was like, that's okay. It's better now. Their thing is like, ah, it's my dumb ass millennial son.

He's the reason the burgers stink. So now we're back. And sorry about all the commercials with all the objectified women. That was my son. My son's just so wildly, just horny all the time. Just profoundly deeply horny for food. Sorry about my emo horny son. He's horny for burgers the way that David Lynch is horny for coffee

and pies in the 1950s. And they made sure to clarify fictional founder, because that's fun for your campaign. The chains today announced their next and most epic food innovation, the baby back rib burger. God. It's the first ever QSR. Quick, who's got it?

QSR? There's, I can't think of a Q word. Quick service restaurant burger to feature real boneless baby back ribs. And it's only there was another word for a quick service restaurant. Not one that doesn't have all the baggage. They fired, they fired fast food junior and brought back the original founder, quick service restaurant senior. They are reclaiming.

Okay. It serves as the ultimate expression of the brand's recently reclaimed identity as pioneers of the great American burger. Christ. Wow. It's a fucking burger that you put more non burger meat at top. It is, you, this is not the signing of the civil rights act. Hardy's Carl Griffin has, has, has sort of guessed the twist here.

And they lay it out and say it features real boneless baby back ribs that are charbroiled and dipped in sweet and smoky cattleman's original bbq sauce. The ribs are then stacked on one of the chain's famous charbroiled beef patties. And it's like, you can't just say that. You're doing something terrible. Yeah. You're doing a sin. You can't just say the sin with a straight face and not expect us to know you're sinning.

Can I say something? I don't want to shop here anymore. I always take my family here every Sunday and go have a great time with their, their very tall burgers. But like, if you're not going to stand up for your fucking son when he makes a mistake, that's an element to this we haven't really discussed. It's just like, my dumb son, my dumb shit had son fucked up our company. So fuck him, he's out.

Anyway, here's a rib burger. All better. Sorry, I was so mad. My son sucks. So Carl, we were looking over your resume and we're so happy you want to join us at Twitter. What sort of job experience have you had? I ruined Hardys. Yeah, my dad, my dad let me go and they hate me now because I made too many sex commercials.

Wow, he didn't stand up for you. No, not even for like a fucking second. Those sex commercials were pretty bogus. Yeah, I know, but nobody's nerfed. Anyway, my dad fired me. I got a new commercial for you. No second chance, as he said. Here's the new commercial, okay?

Kate Upton, stop. Carl, stop. No, listen, it's good. Kate Upton loads up Twitter on her phone and then she is in a bikini nudge and she unhinges her jaw and swallows her phone oil. You should really see her just jam the whole phone in there while Twitter's there. And it's like, what do you have to say? Like, today on Twitter is the tagline.

She'll be on there and she'll get a mean tweet from somebody and then a big water balloon full of hot nacho cheese falls on her. What the fuck, man? When do I start? When do I start? Today, because we're Twitter and we're fucking bad too. Justin, I would like to make a month's squad called shot. Okay.

By the end of 2017, someone will come out with a sandwich that is a hamburger with a fried chicken patty on it or vice versa. Okay, I would love that. And the fact that this doesn't already exist is baffling to me. Yeah. So I haven't even gotten to the quotes yet. Brad Haley, chief marketing officer for Carl Jr. and Hardy's. What does he have to say?

Recently, we set out to reclaim our rightful status as pioneers of the great American burger. Is this the second time that that sentence appears in this one press release? It's in quotes, so it's their thing. So we had to show the world that we're back with a burger that truly earned a place on that mantle. We've really spin the face of McDonald's. Yes, and God, because we put two animals together. They're really horrified, both man and God, that everyone is terrified. Yeah, the tagline of this burger is, and it's kosher.

And no one, they don't know what the word means. That we've pioneered many iconic burgers over the years, but no other chain has ever before put real, boneless baby back ribs on a char-brill burger. And with some crispy onion strings, pickles, and barbecue sauce on it. That sentence kind of got away from you, huh? Also, just because nobody's done it before doesn't mean it's a good thing. Nobody's ever served their burgers in a functioning $2,100 electric Japanese toilet.

Well, no, but there's a... We're pioneers of a true American experience. Enjoy it. You can have the toilet taken home with you, please. As you can imagine, it's not easy to get real boneless baby back ribs, but our friends at Shark Tank help us out by investing in a startup company that did just that. What? What?

Yes, we're back another layer. What is this Shark Tank envision? We did the bone ripper. It's if you put the cows right in it, ribs just pop right out. No bones or anything. We make what we call soft cows. That's Bubba Q's boneless ribs. Bubba Q is boneless ribs.

He was on Shark Tank in 2013 and Damon John invested. So here is this quote. When I first started Bubba Q's, I never thought I'd become the official rib supplier for two of America's most well-known fast food chains. And then they shocked him with a cattle prod because he said fast food. He said, I mean, quick service restaurant. Back in the day, I was just happy to be bringing great ribs to the people of Avon, Ohio. And it goes on like that.

Here's my invention. I was raising my wobble cows. And then... I'm looking for $100,000 for 30% and wobble cows. Here's the premise. When I saw these cows with an easily removed exoskeleton of bones leaving just nothing but delicious meat afterwards, I said, I must have it. They've also credited the actors in here playing Carl Hardy Sr. and Carl Hardy Jr.

Kyle McLaughlin and Kyle McLaughlin. Yeah, he plays both of them. I hate my shitty kid. I'm sorry he ruined my fast food company, but he's out. Your son? Yeah, he's done. Your child? Where did you go?

They're going to come back at us in like six months and be like, the prodigal son returns and kills his father and is like, sorry about the rib burger. We fucked up again. But anyway, I learned a lot during my time living in the monastery and we're back at it. This time, it's a fucking just one big fried hand bone. And then he's going to come back and be like, oh, I had a kid. It's going to be like, sorry about the fried hand bone. I killed my dad.

I'm 10, but I'm in charge now. Let's try this. I'm the boy king. I'm Haro Carties. I'm their lost brother. And from now on, plain bread. Play red. I'm from the bizarro dimension.

I fell through a time slip. Now I run the joint. In a hundred years. Uncooked potatoes and plain bread. In a hundred years, the commercial for Hardie's is just going to be a slow zoom starting from far away. And it's Carl Jr. Jr. Jr. sitting on a throne with his family members heads on a spike. And it gets a clay closes in on his face and he just says a new era has begun.

When you play the game of burgers, you get diarrhea. Pretty much there's not a win or lose state. It's pretty much just the diarrhea every time he holds up. He holds up a steaming bowl of burger soup and is immediately killed by his son. A baby. It seems like close on that son's mouth and he just whispers chocolate dipped burgers. How long did Carl. Okay.

Carl Hardy senior. I have a bone to pick with you. When you saw the first commercial. Yeah. Jenny McCarthy hiding mustard in her bra with the fuck ever. How were you like, well, let's see where this goes. He's new. He's still getting his sea legs.

Let's see how it goes. How many did it take Carl? I mean, Justin, what happened was he was actually out in the wilderness. He was living in a cabin. He wasn't seeing it. And like John Hammond like landed his, his, uh, you know, helicopter nearby. He's like, I need you to come back. Carl.

Yeah. He's like, no, I'm out of the game. We got one last mission for you. I can't. I told you I'm out. Your son's making just super Randy Hardy commercials. What? No, with my brand.

Wait, let's, let's see. My boy. My boys. Well, let's see these bad things. Wow, they are. These are bad things. I got to get back. Do you think that?

And we put potato chips and a hot dog on a burger. No, no, ribs on a burger. Wait, what? Nevermind. Don't worry about it. Just get me back there. Do you think we could get Charles Aston from TV's Nashville, the actor who portrays Carl Hardy senior to come on the show as a guest for in character as Carl Hardy senior?

Do you think that's possible? Hey guys, by the way, can you just name them one thing now? Like you're pretty much like we all know and they get the jigs obviously up. Yeah. Because all your cups and stuff have both the names on it. Can you just call them all hardies, please? And not Carl's junior, by the way, please. Hey, rally's checkers, you're on fucking blast too.

And as long as we're making a request, can we bring back the California raisins? Hey, as long as we're saying stuff, California raisins, it's time for your time in the sun to come back. We're all ready. Time when hardies had like raisin cinnamon rolls that were really good. And I think that they were represented by California raisins. Hey, and while we're at it, Arby's, my favorite sandwich ever was when you put roast beef on a croissant. Can you do that again? And hey, as long as we're at it,

I miss taste stations, man. These little guys who suck on them for a long time and they taste like butterscotch or chocolate or whatever the fuck. So what's up, Hershey's? As long as we're at it, McDonald's brought worse weren't anything to fuck with. How about it? How about it? These are good, tasty, Polish sausages that you served at McDonald's.

Don't know where the hell they came from, Johnsonville or something. Bring them back. Hey, Applebeast, remember when you used to just bring a plate of a bully bread to the table? And I was used to wondering, man, I love this bread. And you can just buy it at the store. Can you just put it back in your restaurant? Because I always forget to buy it at the store. But I would totally get it if it was Applebeast again.

So you know what else? As long as we're at it, what happened to the mole on ABC? Celebrity mole. Where did it go? How about it, ABC? Come on, Hershey, come on. What's going on? Anything else?

This has been our show, My Brother, My Brother, Me. We hope you've enjoyed yourself on our program. If there's other things you want to bring back, go ahead and just tweet at Travis about it. And he'll read all those. Travis didn't really play in that space as much. I think Travis is just like, I like everything how it is today. And I look in the past and I'm like, it was way better because we had taste stations.

This is his punishment. Thank you for listening. Thank you for supporting our show. We have a big announcement. It's huge. It's so exciting and huge. We've got a new podcast. If you follow this feed, you've heard one episode of it.

It is The McElroy Brothers Will Be in Trolls 2. It is now on iTunes. There are two episodes, the one you already heard and then another new one, featuring our agent Joel Biglider. This is happening. We are doing this. This is a story, is a nonfiction serialized prestige podcast about how we got into Trolls 2, which will happen.

And it will serve as a historical document of how that all came together. There are two exciting episodes now. Please go rate and review and subscribe to that. We'd love to get it up in the charts. Some people will find out about it, especially DreamWorks. If we can go to them and say, hey, we have the number one comedy podcast. And it's about this. They'll say, well, you're in, I guess.

So please be able, you can have a part in this. So what is what I'm saying? You can be part of what helped us get into Trolls 2 by rating and reviewing and subscribing to that podcast and helping it to climb the heat chart. So please do that immediately. Actually, two more announcements to do. One, in case you missed it, we put up a audio commentary for episode one

of the My Brother, My Brother in Me TV show, which has been available on CISO.com since February. But it's also now available on iTunes in the UK, Canada, Australia, and probably some other places. So we've put up the episode one commentary in this feed, and then My Brother, My Brother in Me feed. And we've also recorded an episode two commentary that should be out later. I'm trying to figure out where to put that.

We'll probably do more, but definitely one and two are already in existence. So you can check those out. Also, one to let everyone know. So in, I have been working, we have been working with the guys from Welcome to Night Vale and Hank Green and John Green to create a podcast convention in Seattle in December, December 9th and 10th. And we are currently in the middle of our crowdfunding campaign

to help us finance that. So we can put together just a really kick ass. A thing there will be My Brother, My Brother in Me performance there. Alice is in dead performance there. Lots of performances there. Tons of cool people are going to be there. It's already shaping up to be a pretty amazing event. And you can help us fund it and go ahead and get your ticket to it,

whether in person, or we also have the ability to view it remotely. Even if you're not able to make it out to Seattle, you can go to podcon.com, P-O-D-C-O-N.com to check it out. And there's a bunch of other rewards and tears to help us fund the Project Act. But go check that out, podcon.com. I want to thank John Rodgers for the long winters for you to start, or say a song. It's an departure off of the album, Putting the Days to Bed.

It's a really good album that you should definitely go buy or rent. Are people renting out? I don't know. But go listen to it because it's really very good. I also want to say thank you to David Lynch and Mark Frost for writing this episode. I think it turned out really, really well. So thank you. It got a little weird there in the middle and went on like it.

We weren't talking very quickly and it was a very long-winded episode. Hey, that's just how we do it. It builds tension and fear. Mark Frost used to follow me on Twitter. What happened? What did you do? I don't know. I don't know why he started following me, but he doesn't anymore.

He used to though. Well, shoot. Well, maybe we'll bring him back in the fold with all of this cool Twin Peaks talk. Yeah. This really cool episode that we did about Twin Peaks mostly. So that's going to do it for us. Griffin, do you have one last yahoo? Yeah, this final yahoo was sent in by like nine people.

Thank you, nine people. It's from yahoo answers user Allie asks, How to get silly putty out of bed sheets? I have made a terrible mistake. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, and me.

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