My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 358: Detective Jigsaw, My Very Best Friend

Episode Date: June 5, 2017

Sorry it's come down to this, dear listeners, but we've been cops the whole time, and we've got to take you down for all the crimes you did while enjoying our podcast. We'd still love to have you over for the big cookout next weekend, though! Suggested talking points: Underpants Watch, Sneakin' Out the Bottles, Friend Arrest, Sea Pork, Quaid Confusion, Infrared Bears, An All New Original Color

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother and my brother meeting advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy. I am your middlest brother Travis McElroy. And I'm your sweet baby brother 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. Now, folks, I'm going to try to keep this brief, but the reviews are in. Captain Underpants is a hit.

Hey guys, boxers or briefs is my question. Boxer office smash. Is that anything? That's something. Something. Hey, listen, it's a watch. It's what's going on under those pants. His fiend is never comes out the whole movie. Don't even worry about it. Oh, I had to Google that to make sure before I took all my kids to it. Travis, let me ask you a question. When you were making your fantasy cast list on the IMDB for Captain Underpants, who did you envision? Who would be your dream get for Professor Poopypants? Myself? Close. Nick Kroll takes on the notoriously dirty drawers as Professor Poopypants.

Kevin Hart is back as George Beard, Thomas Middlebridge. In a reprise role, it's the first one of the Captain Underpants movies, but it's the second time Kevin Hart has played a Captain Underpants role in a film. Justin, who plays Professor Poopypants' sidekick Sid Mark. That's Mark Paul Gosler. Weird. With a dramatic turn. Captain Underpants is about two children who hypnotize a bad man into thinking he's a superhero who wears his underpants everywhere. Can I say this? Because the problem is he didn't have a living will. And I want to get out in front of this now on this podcast. If you're a kid, don't fucking turn me into Captain Underpants if I cross you. Don't do it. If you, but listen,

if they do, this is so hard to say, because nobody wants to think this way. You know, you want to think everything's going to be fine forever, but if you see me on the street wearing a cape and my underpants and I've been hypnotized by children and please confirm I may just be at some sort of parade, but if I have been hypnotized by children, I need you. I need you to bring me down. All right. Oh shit. Yeah. You're saying we have legal pro in this podcast counts like we can get this episode notarized or whatever, but you're saying if children hypnotize you, Justin, into becoming an underwear crime fighter, Travis and I in order to sort of save your your dignity, your, um, your legacy, sort of your whole brand, we can legally kill you.

Yeah. Not just can legally kill me. You do not have the legal right to kill me. You have the moral obligation. That's that'll hold up in court. So just, just, just, just to clarify, we could be talking about Wonder Woman, a movie that I am legitimately very excited to see. Um, and as soon as they figure out how to do so while also having a seven month old child, stack them up and to stack the two of you up in a trench coat. So we could be talking about that, but instead we are talking about, um, morally, uh, being obligated to euthanize our brother. Well, hold on. The event that he's in underpants, Travis, you use the term euthanize as if Justin will just lay down and accept his fate. We're, oh, listen, no, you're, you're gonna have to,

youth and nothing, you're gonna have to kill me. Yeah. And listen, I'm going to be a superhero. Okay. It's going to be tough. I will see Captain Underpants before I see Wonder Woman. Confront that. Confront that now. I would like to see, and I'm confronting it here with you. Now, I will say this, the tomato meters looking good, 86%. That's something I'm going to say. It's a zesty ragu. I'm going to enjoy this particular marinara for sure, but it is not going to start America's favorite Amazon. I'll be catching that on DVD. Wonder Woman, get at me. I will check you in September. Thank you for all you've done for our nation. Justin, J-Bones, can you make me a promise? G-Money, hit it.

When you do fall into our trap after you have been hypnotized by the children and to become in the underwear man, and we catch you in the trap and we do kill you, can you promise me that there will not be one last moment of lucidity there at the end where you thank us before dying and you're a regular Justin in that moment? Because I'm thinking about it, Justin. That's going to be too hard for me to handle. I've just killed my underwear superhero, brother. I don't need him turning back into Justin there at the end, like, set me free. You know what I mean? If you do have that moment of lucidity, I need you to keep pretending that you're the underwear man just so I don't have to deal with those demons. What if my voice sounds different? You'll

know what's up. Just do your best. I'm sorry, girlfriend. I have to say, Justin, don't make eye contact with girlfriend in that moment, but do make eye contact with me because I want to know that I freed you and you also appreciate it. I need to know that you appreciate how hard it was for me to kill you in your final moments. Let me get another one in here. The children have just done the spell to you and the transformation has begun. At what point in the transformation can Travis and I sort of go safety off, free fire? Is it like a walking dead situation where if you are bitten, it's you're done. You're meat already. Or do you think you might be able to fight off this kid's spell? Well, I mean, it's further complicated by the fact that if they're just

fucking with me, go ahead and take the shot. If you've got the shot, take the shot. If the kids are fucking with me. If there is an evil that I have to confront and subdue, let me just do it. I'll do the evil, fight the evil, but then the moment that the evil, you take the shot. I need you to promise. I promise I'll kill you in your underwear. I will hire Bradley Cooper to kill you in your underwear. Yeah, he'll help out definitely. I mean, I would like a little Bradley Cooper buffer between me and my brother. And you know what? I think of, listen, I don't know Bradley that well. We've only chatted online a couple times, but I'm pretty sure that he's probably been asked to do this kind of thing before. No, dude's yulked. Like he could fucking kill. Definitely. Yeah.

Hey, great news, guys. I Googled Mark Paul Gossler. His Twitter account is just mpg. Wow, early adopter. Great kid. Got in there. Can we do advice? Yeah. Justin, do you question number four? I was going to save it. I wasn't sure about it, but I'm feeling it. Jump right into it. How do you throw away empty alcohol bottles and cans and shit if you're underage and don't want to get caught? I'm V drunk. Please tell me how to throw away my stuff. Peace, Gmail. This is we, I think legally, legally, we've covered ourselves so far. We're allowed to legally murder Justin if he gets hypnotized and becoming an underwear man. And now legally, we also have to say, it's not cool to, sorry, it's sort of say it. It's not cool

to do this. Okay. Now that we've said that, even if we maybe act like you're cool or say that it's cool pretty directly in the next few minutes, that you should know how we really, how we really feel. Yeah. And it's just not cool. What follows is, okay, what follows is it's fair use parity, public domain, creative. Yeah, this is what we like to call jokes. This is so cool. Yeah. Because you get it. I like that. I do worry. Let me worry about this for a second. If you're an underage teen and you're drinking and you're very drunk and then you're emailing your favorite advice podcast. Are you drinking alone? Because that seems to me not not ideal, not ideal, not actually cool. Here's my question about this. At what point

do you think in this underage teen drinking experience, do you do the like slow scope around and realize how many empty bottles and cans they are and realize you have not, you're just like, oh no, like you haven't planned some kind of bag scenario to get these out of the house and into your neighbor's garbage can. Yeah. So the secret is to buy only the alcohol that you know your dad's drinking, that old timey. I think your dad probably drinks like old timey gut rumble and it's just a dank lager and it just hurts the bones and muscles a lot to drink it and so you buy that, you throw it in the regular old garbage can, your dad's just like must have tied a few on last night. I don't remember it, but this dark juice does stuff, plays tricks on

the mind, doesn't it? What if you took all your empty bottles and cans and just before somebody got home, you just kind of like spread them around the dog and then when people, when whoever, when whoever your guardians got home, they're like, what? You're like, what? Sparky and you acted horrified. Now listen, this isn't gonna work, but if you refuse to cave on this, it's gonna be a story that you and your guardians will have together forever, that when you are older and you do eventually, like at 40, you have a nice like single malt scotch with them and they can be like, hey, do you remember that time that you tried to convince me that Sparky drank all that bushlight and you can be like, what are you talking about? That's exactly what happened and you stick to it.

You never change it because they'll catch you. Dad tried to get me on this at age 30 last week. He was like, hey, during homecoming, did you go over to Michael's house and then you all drank six Smirnoff Isis between the eight of you and pretend to just get like really fucked up drunk and then try to sneak the bottles out the next morning. And I was like, well, I'm 30. So yeah, and then cops busted in and they arrested me and took, I'm recording this in jail right now. I've been in jail for like a week. I have a question for you, question asker. Two questions, I guess. Question one, get out your phone, go near a list of contacts. Is the wolf in there at all? If you can have a fish, is the wolf in there? Second question, do you just,

do you just have Harvey Keitel's number? Because he will act, it was basically a documentary. Oh, I see you have a little underage drink and that's great. I love this. Let me, yeah, go ahead and just clean all these up for you. I'm where you're living made, Harvey Keitel. Do you, you got any Altoids on you? No, I don't have, why would I have Altoids, Harvey Keitel? You started underage drink without any Altoids, huh? And I'm the, and I'm the asshole. Schnaps? You expect me to clean out schnapps? What the fuck? I don't have to be here. I think a good drink for teens. Oh, do you know how teens are crazy about the hard sodas now, right? Uh-huh. Orange, orange hard soda. Like the difficult sodas. The hard, the challenging sodas.

Chunky, chunky Dr. Pepper. Look at the elderberry soda. That's hard. That's difficult. So you get some Mike's Latin lemonade. The challenging, challenging tea lemonade. I'm going to have not your father's trigonometry root beer. The thing is about it, the bottle is made of candy. Okay. It's not. Oh, God, again, legally. Hi, editors, editorial note here. It's super not kids. Enjoy the rest of the podcast. No, no, no. I'm not saying it is now. I'm saying in our new product, the bottle is made of candy. So you have those wax bottles that you like bite the end off of and squeeze like the, you know, teaspoon of juice into your mouth. That's exactly right. It's called brew and chew and you drink the drink in it and then you have to eat the bottles.

There's no evidence. And here's the thing. Are you ready for this? Cause this one's fucking good. The bottles, what flavor are they? You guessed it, spearmint. So you have drunk. Gotcha. You have had a refreshing bottle of brew. Okay. Then you've had a great snack to follow it up. Yum, yum. You're going to have some regrets about halfway through that bottle when you got to realize you're going to eat the whole bottle. Spearmint usually doesn't come in meal form, but that's what we're talking about. You're going to have to commit how bad you want to break the rules, huh? This is a spearmint dish that you're going to be eating. It's going to be a lot of spearmint. You're going to have to gum me down. Yeah, but you do that and then you're going to

fresh breath and then we will detect the alcohol. I can't stress enough. We do not endorse underage drinking, but that's a great idea. No, that's fucking funny and good and cool to do. I also want to hit you with guys with this idea that I've been working on. It is, we take a very, very, very hyper concentrated, you know, Mike's hard lemonade or whatever. Very concentrated. A hyper concentrated Boone's farm. And we somehow saturate a sort of spongy fidget spinner with it. And then you just sort of like, and catch it. Catch it. And then faded because of all the, again, very, very concentrated Boone's farm. It's going to be acidic, which is not to say that it will taste sour, but that it will have many properties that one usually associates with acid.

But also at the end, what was that noise? Are you drunk? No, it's just a fidget spinner. Let me go a different direction. What if you said to your kids, and this might be more of a deterrent than a way to get away with it, but what if you said to your kids like, Hey, I don't care what age you are, you're allowed to drink as much as you want. But the only drink you're allowed to have is 50% the pediest, smokiest scotch and 50% absent. Enjoy. Yeah, that's a, that's a bad way to do parenting, I feel like. But how long do you think that continues to be a problem before it's just like sip? Nope. You know what? I'm good. I'm all set. This is, this is awful. Well, that's what all alcohol tastes like. Bye. Can I hit y'all with Yahoo? Yeah, don't under age drink. Don't

under age drink. This has been a public service announcement. Yeah, if you bookend it, then people know which part's serious and which part's not. Kyle Horning sent this in. Thank you, Kyle Horning. It's Yahoo answers user question mark, which is weird. Usually that means that like, their profile didn't load or has been erased. And so it just shows a question mark. They actually made their profile name question mark. And they said, Yeah, they said going to arrest someone soon. It's my friend. They don't know I'm a cop. What should I do? I have four hours. Whoa. Whoa. Fucking heavy. This is what I imagine the wire is like, but I've never watched it. I've only seen one season of the wire, but this started the second season and I was like, who the fuck are

all these new people? It's all boats. This is no, but maybe this is what happens. I don't, they, my best friend, Justin and Travis, they don't know I'm a cop. But in four hours, they will know when I have them down up against the car on the ground with those, those big nasty silver bracelets going over the wrists. Griffin, do you think when you have, when you have to do that, when you have to arrest, say, Justin Minsker, a friend of yours, would you cry while you were doing it? Or do you think that like you would finally feel a weight lifted off of your shoulders? Do I cry every time I record a podcast or a goof ass video game video? No, because it's my fucking job, dog. Oh, you cry sometimes though. I mean, only when the internet says mean things

about me, but not usually like just it's my, it's my job. If I arrest Justin Minsker, that's a job, that's a J-O-B. Sorry, dude. Click, click. What do you say? I got to collect and a paycheck. Griffin, what do you think you said? Is it like a bouillon moment or is it like, I can't believe you made me do this moment. Like this is on you, not on me. If you weren't a criminal, I wouldn't have to cop all over you. I think I just robo cop up and just like, Miranda, that shit and you don't even. You have the right to remain my friend. Yeah, like, you have the right to remain silent, but like, barbecue Tuesday? Does that sound good? Yeah. Whether it looks nice. Are we still down? We're still down. We're gonna play some

Coug in the backyard. I will get your mower back to you, by the way. I'm sorry about that. I'll get your mower back to, well, to your next of kin because you're going to the fucking pokey, dude. All right, let's go. I love you. Come on. I love you. Say goodbye. How often do you say you love you to like a friend that you're arresting? Yeah, you could slip it in. You could slip it into the old Miranda and it's still cats. I have to arrest someone soon, but they don't know how I'm a cop. Is this an undercover situation? It doesn't. What's tricky is it doesn't sound like an undercover situation. No, it just sounds like you don't know them that well. Or they don't know you because they don't know your vocation. You know, I bet the hardest part of that scenario is when

you're like, I'm a cop and they kind of laugh and you're like, no, really. And they're like, that's a good one. And you're like, no, no, really, I really am a cop. Like it's probably hard to get over that hump, you know, of like, I'm really arresting you. Very funny, Steve. Take these cuffs off. No, no, I really am a cop. Do you think he adds the fact that he's a cop from friends in case they all want to get a little bit nasty? He doesn't need like, yeah, that's the judgment. Oh, what's that? You're a cop. How could you? How could you steal that? Yeah, you don't, you underage drunk when you were 17 and he starts kind of twitching and you're like, what's up, Steve? Like, no, nothing. Well, it's like we're going out on a

pontoon boat and I'm not driving the boat, but am I allowed to drink on the water? It is in public. Ah, but Griffin's here. Maybe I shouldn't. Just to be safe. Um, I, is there another, let me hit this. Legally, this is a joke. Got four hours. I phoned my buddy up and just say, like, pack a bag, get gone. I will hurt you for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong. We have got a Joveir situation. Yeah, absolutely. What is up? You've been selling stolen iPod nanos online. And I know it's you, dog. You don't know it's me on the other end of the bag. You make your username nano Steve Jenkins. I know it's you.

I know it's you, Steve Jenkins. I know he's you the whole time, but you anyway, you have four hours and then I will come for you forever. Like forever. I will be a specter of death on your doorstep, why'd you have to sell those nanos every moment of every day for the rest of your life? You will feel my heart breath on the back of your neck. Now get out of town. I love you. I love you. But can I count on you and Stephen to be there at the, at the barbecue on Thursday? And you're still going to walk my dog while I'm in Baltimore, right? Right. We're still good on that front. Excellent. Me and some buddies are here. Me and my buddies are heading out on the East side in three hours. I want a carpool.

So that's the decision. Like you can get the extra heads up and like bounce, but like we're going to Barbarella's. It's going to be fucking fun. Do you not? Okay. No, I understand. I'll hunt you like the devil. Bye. I love you. If you could leave some clues, that would be great. Just make it easier. Leave a few clues just to make it fun. Like you can't come play cube at my cookout next weekend, but we could play a different kind of game, a hunting game. Do you need, you fucking nano pervert, you nano freak? Of all the jobs that it would be hard to find out your friend does, I think like them banging on your door and, and arresting you. That's really rough. But I think a rougher one

would be if you found out your friend was jigsaw because that would be very unfortunate to wake up and you're like, your butt has been manacled to someone else's butt. And he's like, terry and butts off if you want to live. And also Greg, it's so nice to see you. Justin, just to clarify, you think the profession of cop is definitely hard, but much more difficult is the profession of serial killer. I'm saying it's hard to find out that your friend has been jigsaw the whole time. I'm saying that that would be very shocking. And that is an unfair association Travis. Jigsaw is not just a serial killer. He also, like it takes a lot of work to make all those bone mazes and stuff. Like it's a lot of work.

But this is okay. Yeah, you know what's hard? Finding out your friend's a cop. You know what's harder? Finding out that your friend is you from an alternate dimension by evil and send her to kill you. Travis, that would definitely be hard. That would be really difficult. Find out that your friend is a robot sent from the future whose only job is to race your existence before you solve world peace. I hate that. Right, we've all been there. Who can I trust anymore? Pick up the bandsaw you find at your... I bought you this. I bought you this bandsaw. I bought you this for your birthday. Wait, no, this is my fucking bandsaw. I let you borrow it. Hey, yeah, wait a minute. This is what? You can have it back afterwards. You'll have to find the

you gave me your spare keys. Oh, oh, shit. That's right. Anyway, fill up this bucket with your own butt meat. No, and it'll raise the portcullis. I don't want to raise the portcullis. Is this your tin? It is. I love what you've done. Am I still going to see you for barbecue on first? Yes, fine. We said we'd come. We said we'd be there. Guess what? I don't want to guess what we're having. I'll stick to potato salad and prepackaged Kroger cookies. Thank you. Guess what? Guess what we're going to be having? Are you going to grill and cook my butt meat that I put in the bucket to counterweight the portcullis? No, it's we got kosher franks. Don't be a dick. Don't be a dick about this. I can't believe I have to explain

this to you. The butt meat portcullis maystrap. It's supposed to teach you about the value of your life and stuff. I love you. I love you. You've just aimed really down lately, and I want to make you appreciate the things that you have and the butt that you're left with. So can I go? Are you two going to? Hey, do you mind? We're working some shit out. Okay, I filled up the bucket with my butt meat to open the portcullis. Can I go? One moment. You're also under arrest. That's right. Officer Jigsaw. I'm reporting for duty. I'm also a doctor and a lawyer. I have a lot of free time. Getting my patty wagon. Can I stand up in the patty wagon? Do I have to sit down? Because I have a situation back here now. I love you a lot. I know. We're good friends. I love you so much.

We're really good friends. You introduced me to my wife. I did. That's your right. Greg, sit up front. Come on. You don't need to ride the back patty wagon without other wiener. But put a towel down. We'll listen to the new Adele album. I bought you that new. Thank you. You really know my tastes. It was a gift for my adult bar mitzvah. I'm the most interesting character that McRoy brothers have ever can see. They've been sitting on me for a while, which is ironic, because you won't be sitting on anything. He's going to be hard enough to do that voice for a while. I know. Hold on. I left the radio on. Let me...

I'm turning the radio up. I'm turning it up. I want a Munch Squad. I want two Munch Squads. I heard you guys much squads have gotten a little bit tepid. I was actually just thinking how enthusiastic mine was comparatively. Yeah, I kind of tried to put a little bit more stink in it because like 10 minutes ago, I definitely heard my baby wake up from a nap and I had the thought, if Munch Squad rolls around, I'll really be able to hit it. Listen, Arby's is done. Usually when we feature people on the Munch Squad, it's because they're so enthusiastic about the worst things they could do to people.

Arby's brought back the Smoke House pork belly sandwich to its restaurants. I remember. If you don't remember last year, Arby's went to a no-national restaurant chain and gone before by offering pork belly, also known as the Bigger Better Bacon. Also known as an artisanal meat that I don't really trust with you in your hands. That's also a nice thing steak. It's hamburger two, the sequel for better. But there's a quote here from Rob Lynch, chief marketing officer and brand president of Arby's restaurant group. And this man sounds broken. The Arby's system has chewed him up and spit him out.

Let's see what he's got to say about this sandwich. Our guests love pork belly, said Rob Lynch, chief marketing officer. Hey, yo, this sounds like my friend, Detective Jigsaw. And brand president. It's not, whatever. More side, Justin. When we launched it last year, we weren't sure how well it would do because no one in our industry had done a slow smoked pork belly sandwich before, but our response was remarkable, significantly exceeding our wildest expectations. So we worked hard to bring it back as soon as possible. And here it is. Pork belly is just another example of our unique

approach of food, which is to offer innovation that our guests can only find at Arby's. And then the last sentence of this quote is this, we are really proud of this meat. We are really proud of this meat. We are really proud of this meat. So this sentence could, I could, I could interpret this so many ways. I've never seen somebody eat a bite of food and been proud of the food for maybe its courage or just its extreme quality. Are you proud of what the meat has done for your company? Is it, are you proud of how you've prepared the meat? Maybe you should have said that instead. Well, considering you just said they had to work.

They're proud of how far it's come because it was not originally pork belly, but it worked really hard to become it. Now it's pork. He just said they had to work hard to bring it back. So I, maybe he's just proud of the effort that went into, I don't know, finding someone with the, in a moral gray area willing to sell Arby's pork belly. Or maybe just, and maybe it's not that dark, maybe it's just that like the first time the pork belly sandwich rolled around, they sold so much of it that there was no more pork belly. Oh, okay.

And they had to like, like travel to the bottom of the ocean and find like aqua pigs or something that they could get pork belly from. And they're just proud of, proud of the exploration that they've achieved in mapping like the Mariana trench to be able to find the mer pigs to get the aquatic bellies from. Yeah, yeah. So the new commercials are like, Arby's, we have manatees and you're gonna, you're gonna, it's gonna drive you fucking crazy. You're gonna lose. Each sandwich is $48.

They also brought back the, the smoke mountain sandwich, which like, It's a literal mount. It's a lit, just eat it. Just eat it. It's, we've, what we've learned is the bigger it is, the happier our customers are. So we literally did some, some explosive blast cap mountain top removal and we put it between two big, dumb slices of bread. Just go for it. We're done. I'm done. I'm Arby's and I'm done. There is a real smoke mountain, by the way. It's in North Carolina. Not anymore. Because it's in the Arby sandwiches now. Big chunks of like, like,

We had to cut the top off of a smoke mountain. It's like the fucking, it's just two pieces of bread and in between it is the trophy you get when you win on guts. Lathered in some sort of horseradish cream. Let's, let's, let's take a break for a second and head on over to a little department I like to think of as the money. Hey everybody. First up this week. Hey guys. Hey buddy. Hey guys. Welcome to my, let's get fam. This is me. It's your boy Justin macro. I'm here to tell you about our sponsor Blue Apron. I'm reviewing the 10 stinkiest fidget spinners. How did they get like this?

Hey guys. Hey Tango heads. It's me Travis. I'm gonna, I'm gonna be making Blue Apron. There's gonna be, I'm gonna be chewing some gum. Hey, stop, stop, stop, stop. Did you two make those fucking barbecue chicken wings though? Did you all get those barbecue chicken wings from Blue Apron yet? No, but just last night I made a honey rhubarb chicken. Oh, I got that one. I haven't made it yet. Oh, it's real good. I only eat chili. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Well, I'm on a restricted diet. Wait, wait, on your, on your cheat days, you don't just have like eight Blue Aprons that you've saved up. So, Justin's on that fucking Hank Hill cleanse or it's just chili and sweet tea and propane. This is propane. Propane accessories. For less than $10 per person for a

meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-proportioned ingredients to make delicious, home cooked meals. You want spicy zucchini enchiladas with creamy lime and tomato rice, you can have it. Ilote style vegetable tostadas with summer squash, poblano peppers and cilantro rice. It's there for you. What's up on the menu this week? Well, you can check it out and get your first three meals for free with free shipping by going to blueaper.com slash my brother. These are fresh, high quality ingredients. And also you can customize what meals you get sent to you, which has been really helpful for us because our baby has a food allergy, so like Rachel has to eat like very specific stuff and because we can kind of tailor the menu to what we want, like

we can, we can avoid that stuff and it's been really very, very helpful. And they have a check box for like the whole thing made out of beans. Please make the whole thing out of beans. I love beans. I haven't seen that one. Beans ahoy. I guess when the box says beans ahoy. Whenever the delivery person drops off the box, Justin, I guess you can just say wait, hold up and then cut the box open, grab the beans out from inside and then give the rest back and just say return to sender. That's a good idea. I also love, they let you just very, very, very easily skip weeks. So like if you're going to be out of town or if you weren't able to get to the last box for whatever reason and you still have like a meal sitting in your fridge,

you just go on, say that you don't need it the next week and you just skip that week. That's enough. Clearly we want to kiss and marry blue apron. That's it. Go to blueapron.com slash my brother and you can get your first three meals for free with free shipping. One last time, blueapron.com slash my brother. I would like to tell you all about a service that's very near and dear to my heart and then it's Lyft. I think we've talked about Lyft before and I know that it's a super popular ride sharing service, but I love Lyft very much. We used it a ton when we were out in LA. We use it here in Cincinnati. We use it whenever we travel. If you know, there's lots of circumstances where you know you're not going to need like a rental car or

something, but you need to get from place to place and if Lyft's in that area, it's so incredibly useful and wonderful. It's also really great for the drivers. You can tip the driver if you have a really great experience and when they drive, they keep 100% of the tips. It's great for the drivers. It's great for the riders and you get to rate your driver and they rate you so that you kind of filter out the crappy people. It's a really wonderful experience for everyone. I'm a big fan. If you haven't checked it out, you definitely should. Join the ride sharing company that believes in treating its people better and not shitty. Go to Lyft. That's lyft.com slash brother today and you can get a $500 new driver bonus if you start driving with them.

So if you Lyft.com slash brother, Lyft.com slash brother, limited time only, term supply, go start driver for Lyft today. Hopefully you don't have any kind of bad driving record like I did. By bad driving record, do you mean current, present in the car? No, I am a good driver now. I re-arranted someone on a wet, rainy street, Griffin, just fucking drop it. It was years ago. Just stunting. You know, Lyft's back in Austin. Squash that beef. Welcome back. Oh, that's nice. Baby, come back. I sang it. They couldn't resist. I have a personal Jumbotron message here and it's for Booker. It's from Jeff who says, Happy birthday and happy anniversary to my fun-looking, fun-having, dirty boy.

Now that our lives have been completely, what, it's- I just like, I just like that sentence. It's a very good monster factory. Now that our lives have been completely taken over by the McElroy media conglomerate, I can't think of any better way to celebrate than by having our favorite boys proclaim our gay love for each other. You are my frowny prince and I love you forever. Okay, hold on. Let's do this right. I, hereby, henceforth, on June the 4th, 2017, the year of our Lord, AD, by the power vested in me, hereby proclaim your gay love. So it is, and so it shall be. Amen. Amen. You mentioned a factory of some sort. Hmm? You said something about a factory?

It's a fun media, fucking cross media project that your other brothers make that I thought you'd be excited about. What do you do on this, what do you do on this media thing? I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. Is it like funny or- I got a message for Paul from Sunny. I guess not that, I guess not that funny if it didn't attract your- This is, this is the first time I'm hearing about it. No one's ever brought this up to me before. Paul? Sunny, I'm sorry Paul and Sunny, they're stepping on your moment. Hey sweetie. I'm just trying to learn about some kind of creative endeavor that my brothers might embark on without me. Okay, we've been doing it for like five years, but all right.

And how many times have you invited me to do it? More- I mean like, we've invited you like ten times, just check your texts, so- Well, I'm just, I'm really busy. I do a lot of podcasts, so- Yeah, I don't remember getting invited to be on Shmanners. That was weird. Hey sweetie! If you check your texts, I think there's like ten in there, I'm like, what do you know about museums? That's our latest episode. If anyone wants to check it out, we talked about museums, this is really great. All right. Okay, so, hey sweetie. Who's this from? Me too. Yeah, I've already said that, but it's from Sunny to Paul.

Hi Paul, hi Sunny, welcome to the show. Hi, welcome. Come have a seat. Come on in. So irritated. Hey sweetie, I love sharing my life with you. Ever since that doped up drive to get my dental implant, that seems unwise. Wait, you were doped up on your way there? I gotta get fucking baked if I'm going to get my teeth done. No way I'll do this straight. Ever since that doped up drive to get my dental implant, that has meant sharing the macaroids with you. Happy Father's Day, birthday, or anniversary. Sorry, this isn't the adventure zone, but keep at least one eye open, because the boys just might pop in to wish you luck. No. No.

Oh, are you looking for care? We don't do carrier voices on that show, why would we do them here? No, I think they were saying like, watch out, because we're there. I mean, that's a fun way to consume the show, just like constantly be waiting for one of us to just be like, and then the ogre smashes the magic mushroom forest. What's up Paul? And then roll ten dice to determine your happy Father's Day. Oh shit, that's coming up, huh? Oh man, I'm gonna have that. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I'm getting myself a chop saw. Yeah, dude. I got a new fucking holiday. Are you kidding me? This is like Griffin, guess what? You got another birthday. What's up? It's like in the middle of June. Fuck yes. And the cool thing is now you don't have to do anything

for Dad anymore. That's my favorite part. Are you kidding? Yeah. Take that old man. What am I gonna do? Send him another like fucking coupon for some online pepper jelly shop? Fuck yeah, dude. Are you kidding me? This is sick. Sim, another picture of a Tervis tumbler and be like, it's on the way. Sorry, I forgot. Installment plan. It's coming in. Fuck yeah, dude. Are you kidding me? New holiday. Yes. Oh God, yeah. Finally a day when it's all about me. Podcasts. Podcasts. Podcasts. They're audio programs that tell smart stories in innovative ways using editing techniques like this, like this, like this. But let's face it, all that smart stuff can be exhausting. That's where stop podcasting yourself comes in.

It's so stupid. It's just too stupid dinguses. Being dumb idiot jerks for 90 minutes. Stop podcasting yourself. The stupid show that smart people love. Find it on iTunes or maximumfun.org. My sister can't tell the difference between Dennis Quaid and Tim Allen. Do I tell her or should I cut my losses and find a new sister? That's from Nicole from San Diego. How does this come up? Hey, do you remember that movie San Clause with Dennis Quaid? No. Are you sure? Are you sure? Dennis Quaid. Look at these two pictures. One of them is Tim Allen. One is Dennis Quaid. Which one? Do you remember in Independence Day when Jim Allen drove the plane up into the mothership? Sorry. Hold on. Wait. It's so deep that you think Tim Allen has a brother

named Jim Allen, who is in Independence Day. Do you think Dennis Quaid ever thinks about the fact that he didn't get to be in Independence Day and he gets just like really mad about it? Do you think that if Randy Quaid hadn't been in Independence Day that like Dennis Quaid would have been, but you can only have one Quaid at a time? Well, the character, and I don't want to speak ill of any Quaids, any and all Quaids, but that character was a Randy Quaid character. I think we can all... No, no, no. It wouldn't have been the same Quaid, but it's like a one Quaid in, one Quaid out kind of scenario where like because Randy Quaid was in it, Dennis Quaid couldn't play like Jeff Goldblum's dad. It would have been like he could have played that character, but all of a

sudden the character would be like really cool and everybody just believes him about the alien stuff and he can pitch really fast. He can pitch super fast. It's actually really weird to me. A lot of brothers like the Afflechs and so on, you can't say this about. I don't think there's a Dennis Quaid role that you could slide to Randy. Yeah. Right? I don't think that that works. I don't think they're interchangeable whatsoever. It's actually, if you're looking at the scope, Justin, the Estevez brothers, right? They're over here. That's the most... Because they... No joke. I've seen a lot of movies that I've been like, oh, that's Martin Sheen. No, no, no. That's his brother who looks like his doppelganger and then you have Randy Quaid and Dennis Quaid on the other end

who you have to convince me are related. Dennis Quaid. I'm trying to think of a mnemonic device so maybe we can be helpful here for once. Like, Leaves of Three, Let It Be, Leaves of Quaid. You know what I mean? Something like a funny... Like, if I could think of something that would be like a joke, a funny joke. If it's Dennis, let it finish. Active. If it's Randy, it's not Dan. Okay, no. We're not speaking about Randy Quaid. We're speaking about Timothy Allen from YC. Yeah, that was a original pitch. If there's Growlin, that's Tim Allen. Okay. He has to do it in every movie. And then, I mean, by that point, it's just processable. You only have to remember one of them. If it's Growlin, it's Tim Allen, dot, dot, dot. We've sort of created sort of an

if-then operation here. If Tim Allen go to line 10. If Growlin go to line 10, line 10, print, it's Tim Allen. Otherwise, it sounds like you got yourself one of the Quaid brothers on your hands. Sydney used to have a thing where she just biologically could not tell the difference between Bob Hoskins and Danny DeVito. That's completely unimaginable. It's easier to remember now, of course, but gradually over the years, she had a lot of trouble distinguishing Danny, DeVito, and Bob Hoskins. And then it got to a point where I felt like she was probably trolling me. Yeah. Like when she couldn't separate Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen for a long time, that was a joke that was played on you. Can I hit you all with a good yahoo? I have so many.

Thank you to everybody who sent them in. Yes, but know that while you do, there is a pair of actors that I can't tell the difference between whose names I also can't remember right this second. So I'll be looking that up. Awesome. Can't wait. Can't wait. This one's sent by Kevin Budnick. Thank you, Kevin. Kevin did our, I don't know if you have seen them, but the live show posters that we had in Austin, we still have a fuck ton of. We need to figure out like what to do with those. I don't know what to do with a bunch of posters. People bought them. They just gave us too many. They gave us double the amount that we bought, which is like a bank error in our favor that was pretty tight. It's Christopher Maloney and Elias Codius. No, that's legit,

Trav. That's legit. Yeah, Christopher Maloney is on Law and Order and Elias Codius played Casey Jones in the Ninja Turtles movie. They could be brothers. Oh yeah. All right. I see it. Okay. So anyway, this question from Kevin. Thank you, Kevin. It's by Yahoo Answers user, John asks, are there specific names for colors we cannot see? For example, we call light with a wavelength of about 650 nanometers, I suppose, red and et cetera. If the wavelength are beyond the visible spectrum, are there specific names for the colors? And I'm not looking for infrared, x-ray, gamma, microwave, et cetera. If either of you try to drop some fucking Mr. Wizard bullshit on us right now to prove how smart you are, I'll leave the call. But is there names for

reds like on the end of the spectrum? And then it's probably, there's probably some rays and ultraviolets and all that stuff. But there's, I just think about this all the time. What if I turn the corner and there was just a new friggin color? Griffin, here's the problem. Here's, can I tell you? I don't know much about scientists, but they probably just call it like super red or like ultra green. Very red. Yeah, right. Like, yeah. Come on, scientists. This is not a, okay. I don't know if you people are joking. It's all up to interpretations. There is, I mean, the idea of color is an invention that we created. We named certain points in the spectrum of light, right? I'm sorry, Mr. DeGrasse Tyson. I didn't know we had Mr. Dr.

DeGrasse Tyson on our show. Infrared encompasses like the entirety of the spectrum. You're walking down the block, Justin. You're walking down to the book shop or vegetable store. And you're walking and you turn the corner and just like, wow, there's a color you've never seen before. It's not purple. It ain't red. It ain't orange. It's not brown. Griffin, Griffin, Griffin, Griffin. What if there are animals all around us and their colors are ones we just can't see? Oh, beans. Oh, no. Are they dangerous? I don't know, Griffin. Are they? Shit. God, Trav. Fuck, man. So there's soup. These are very red. And that's like an infrared bear coming right at you. These cones can't see that bear. Oh, no. What do you even do? What do

you do, Justin? What do you do, Justin? Justin, get in here, dude. This play space is fun, dude. Get the fuck in here, man. To give you the set, to give you the set up in case you were looking at pictures of Elias Kodius, we're talking about like bears and wild animals that are like colors we can't see. So get in the space. Here we go. You're like ultraviolet and infrared bears. Oh, no. Does it make sense? Right. Maybe there's even like a whole infrared world. Every time you stub your toe and you turn and you're like, what was that? Oh, I thought it was a chair. I'm going to have a chair seemed out of my way. You tripped over an infrared chair. Oh, gosh. What if they're real little and we're always stepping on them? Or what if we're real little and there's infrared

giants stepping on us? Jesus. Oh, man. Maybe if you get like goose pimples or whatever, that's an infrared giant just messing with you. Shit. Right? Tickling me. Wow. Just what are you even? What do you do? What do we do now that we've figured this out? We've seen through the veil. We've seen it. We've parted the curtain into another world that's all around us. What do we do? What do I do now? I can't go back to, you know, I'll never get in the car again. Every time I get in the car and drive from one place to another, probably hit like 10 invisible deer or whatever. You've killed eight infrared bears just like going to the toy store to get a fidget spinner. Shit. Wait, I was going to get the fidget spinner

or the bears work because I'm into either. Both. Okay. You were going the same direction. That's how you ran into them. I don't want to know how to break this to you guys. Yeah. There are animals that can see ultraviolet. Well, that's why your dog gets really nervous sometimes. Yes. Butterflies can see ultraviolet. How do you know, Justin? Do you speak butterfly? Got it. That is actually a pretty good question. How the fuck do we figure that out? Hey, do you? I feel like you're trying to tell me something about like some incredible invisible ecosystem that I'm just not tapped into. Am I close? Did these ultraviolet light to shine a sign above a little hole that says a super horny

butterflies down to fuck? Yeah. Come on in if you're ready to party. Reindeer can see ultraviolet light too. Whoa. Do you think that's why Santa picked them? Reindeer's the only mammal that can see ultraviolet light. Do you think that's why Santa was like, oh, I'm going to get one up on these motherfuckers? Yeah. I'm not trying to fly into a flock of invisible birds of prey. When butterflies fuck, I guess caterpillar comes out. You think they're disappointed every time? He looks like they look at the caterpillar and they can see an ultraviolet butterfly spreading out from it. Shit. This is beautiful. Are you saying the parents are disappointed? Like, yeah. Oh, sweetie, he looks like. Oh, no, he's a worm like we used to be. Shoot.

I was hoping maybe this time it'd be one of us beautiful. Did you guys know that you know that armadillos are the only animals that can see into the future? Oh, no. Yeah, they just know. If you see an armadillo clear room, you better follow right behind. He knows the piano's about to fall through the ceiling. Oh, no. Oh, now he rolled into a ball. The piano fell through the ceiling. He saw this coming. Well, this is weird. I'm I'm also I also just got my zoo books in the mail. It says turtles never die. Turtles live forever. There's only ever been like 100 turtles, but it's the same one. It's crazy. Trav, did you know that's because armadillos get tomorrow's newspaper a day early every day? Did you know that? I did. I did know that. Okay. I didn't know

if you knew that or not. Okay. I did actually. I just want to. Is there a color we don't know about yet that I'm going to see before I pass in my lifetime? Am I going to see this color? What if we came up? Let's come up with the color right now and that'll be that'll be our like legacy. It'll be like, you see this new color and be like, well, that is I've never seen. It's like blue, but it's not anything I've ever seen before. Griffin, I could try to make up a funny name, but there's already I don't want to name. I don't want to name the shade, the hue. So like, I'll close your eyes. Both of you guys close your eyes. Imagine, let's start with imagine orange. You see an orange, the color and now, and now we're just going to put a little bit of just a

little bit of purple in there. Can you even imagine like what that like try to blend it and you're seeing a color you never saw before? What if, what if the color is every color all together and that's the cheating. Cheating, cheating, cheating, cheating. Or what if it's none of the colors? What if it's red? What if you take blue? Uh-huh. Imagine the purest blue and then add some yellow in there. How much yellow? Well, however much 10, 10, 10 amount. 10 yellows? Yeah. And can your mind even? The color, Griffin? Let me tell you the shade. The shade is the color that you would get if you were able to push down all the tabs on the

multicolored pen at once. Okay. That would be the color you would need. There's a reason you can't do that. CERN made those pins and made it so you couldn't do that or else you'll like punch a hole in space time. Sydney got one of those pins in the 90s box that you and Rachel got her for birthday and it made me realize like one, those rule, two, I have not seen one in a grip. I don't know if they're still making those bad boys or not, but those are right. Well, no, they're irresponsible because you push all three tabs down. See, color you never seen before, you go full blown Lovecraft like bonkers. You may drone a Hadron Collider. Well, folks, that's stupid. It's just stupid. The whole thing. I mean, I said, if I said, if you combine blue and yellow, you make a color

you've never seen before and you two chuckle fucks didn't say anything. It just, it's just, it just sometimes guys, what are we doing here? Thanks for listening, though. We really do appreciate you. We hope you have fun listening. Trav, do you want to make the pod con pitch one last time? Thank you very much. We are in the middle right now, as we speak, raising funds to put on a podcast convention in Seattle this December. It is organized by me and the Brothers McRoy, Hank and John Green and the people behind. Welcome to Night Vale, Joseph and Jeffrey, Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Craner. And it is both a chance to go and see some of your favorite podcasts and podcasters perform live, but also a chance to get together with people who are not only fans, but also creators

of podcasters talk about the art form of podcasting. And you can help us make it a reality by going to podcon.com. We are doing an Indiegogo fundraiser right now. We're about halfway there. And not only can you help us fund podcon, but you also get, well, there's a whole bunch of different levels with a bunch of different rewards, including remote attendance. So even if you're not able to make it to Seattle on December 9th and 10th, you'll still be able to watch the shows and still be able to participate remotely. So go to podcon.com. When you hear this, you'll only have till, I believe, Tuesday at midnight. So there's not much time left. So go to podcon.com. And then Tuesday from, I think like seven to midnight, somewhere around there, we'll be doing a live stream

with Hank and me and some people from Night Vale and other people to kind of, you know, help get the word out. So I'll tweet about that so you can keep an eye out. But yeah, we're really excited. We're going to be doing a live, my brother, my brother and me there. Also, Alice isn't dead, dear Hank and John, bad with money, 99% invisible with Roman Mars, saw bones, still buffering, a night called tomorrow, lore, it's a criminal. It's a really amazing lineup already. It's just going to get better. Yeah. Well, like we're no, we are near done inviting people. There's a show called Last Name Basis that like we just announced that I'm really excited about. I'm a big fan of theirs. And it's going to be a really good time. And we hope you all show up. But you can help

us fund it podcon.com. Thank you so much. I want to thank John Roderick from Long Winters for the use of our theme song, It's a Departure, which is a song off of the album, Putting the Days to Bed. It's a very good album that honestly, I haven't listened to it a little bit. I need to dip in. I like to recharge the old batteries every once in a while. You know what I mean? I also want to thank Maximum Fun for having us go to MaximumFun.org and go check out all the great shows there, shows like Beef and Dairy Network and Dead Pilot Society and One Bad Mother and Lady the Lady and all kinds of great shows all at MaximumFun.org. And if you want to hear other stuff that we do or watch our videos, all of those are at mackleroyshows.com.

Speaking of stuff that we do, Justin, do you want to give a quick plug to our new Prestige podcast? Yes. We have a new podcast. It's called The Macworld Brothers Will Be in Trolls 2. You can find that on iTunes or trolls2.libson.com. That's right. We don't have a website for it. That's how new it is. It's also on Twitter. I have no idea where. But we're trying to get in trolls. No, we are in Trolls 2. We will be in Trolls 2. And this is a story about how it happens. But it's happening in real time, so it'll be archival. There's going to be a lot of big developments. We just got two episodes up. The pilot that we released on this feed and also the second episode with our hilarious agent Joel. And it's really fun. And it's great. So...

Go check it out. Go check it out. Totally. Totally check it out. One more quick plug. We have a TV show on CISO.com. And we put out on our podcast thread, on this very feed, an episode one commentary that you can listen to of us talk about like making the show and stories on set and that kind of thing. So go to CISO.com. And now it's also available on iTunes in countries outside of the US. So I think it's the UK, Canada, Germany, Australia, and maybe other places as well. I'm not 100% sure about Germany. Now that I say it, I don't know if that sounds right or not. But go to your version of iTunes and find out. And then

go to our feed and listen to the commentary on episode one. Hopefully we'll do more of those, no guarantees. We've already recorded episode two commentary though. So hopefully that'll be up in the future. Here's that final. This final was weird enough sent in by two people, JJ Jones and Nick Potter, independently sent this in. Thank you both. It's about Yahoo Answers user. Pikyon says I'm gonna add a little bit here a little bit of a little bit of flavor here at the beginning. Hey, you like pigeons? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been My Brother, My Brother, and Me. Kiss your dad square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.

Hi, everybody. I'm Justin McElroy. And I'm Dr. Sydney McElroy. Every week we release a medical history podcast called Saw Bones. We go over the history of the dumbest, grossest, weirdest stuff humans have been doing to each other since the dawn of mankind. But it's a funny show. But it's also so disgusting and stomach-turning you won't believe it. But it's also like funny. It's funny. It is the wildest, grossest, nastiest stuff you can imagine. It's a real hoot. It's called Saw Bones and we release it every week on iTunes, wherever podcasts are sold, and right here on Maximumfun.org.