My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 359: Tumnus Opportunities

Episode Date: June 12, 2017

Hello friends! We are coming to you pre-recorded from E3 and we have all the hot scoops the we bet are definitely going to be something that happens in the future! So, enjoy this episode and all the HOT SCOOPS (from the past). Suggested Talking Points: Big Fuzzy Balls, Screen Door Stories, Lame Duck, Levelated Dragons, Bound By Beads, Permanently Sealed, Taxi Cab Water Confessionals, Fresh Start/No Crumbs, High Noon For Garys

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother mean advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother Justin Big Points McElroy, and I'm Travis High Score McElroy. Hold on guys. I've almost got the high score. I need to shoot like two more Spacemen. I did it. I won it. I won the Tiger Handheld game that I've been playing because it's E3.

We're at it. Folks, E3 is off and popping. I'm sure you saw a lot of the big announcements later today. That tense got away from me, but video games are here to stay, and I love them in a major way. It's a wrap I'm working on about video games. I love them more than anything. Think about them all day gaming. All day I dream about gaming. Soccer video games. Soccer video games. What, guys? What do you think has been the biggest bombshell of this year's E3 that is definitely happening now and not several days in the future and not us recording on the Wednesday before? Yeah, it's a good question and one that made a lot of sense coming out of the mouth. For me, I mean during the Sony Press conference Crash Bandicoot's weird shorts fell down and we saw

his big fuzzy balls. That was your biggest E3 reveal, do you think? That was my most anticipated reveal and I've got to say Sony, as they always do, they fucking fall through with those shorts falling down. Show me those big furry nuts. Those nuts really delivered too. Those are not the nuts of a young bandicoot, but these are age appropriate, well-aged nuts. He's been around the block, big, big, big, beautiful nuts though. I did like when the nuts were revealed and Bandicoot Kazooie from the side of the stage just yelled, they both in unison just yelled like, nice, nice. The funny thing about it is it really put the games in a new perspective for me because the way he is spinning and articulating and jumping and running, that can't have provided

ball comfort. That had to be really a pleasant for the balls. They tried to do a fun thing where his mask friend floated down to try to cover up the nuts, but it wasn't fast enough. I definitely saw the nuts. I thought what was weird about the whole experience is that Kaz Bandicoot didn't even seem fazed. It's not so revealed and he just stood there shrugging. The hardest part about it for me was not the reveal of the nuts because I thought that was tasteful and on brand, but when he went for 20 minutes afterwards, just going, huh? What do you think? The audience ate it up though and I did think it was a little bit sad maybe when later Ratchet and Clank came out there and then Clank revealed big metal nuts. It's not a fun hardware nuts,

but actual metal balls like testicles. But they were made in a lab. They were made in a lab in there, but then Clank was just like, is this what you got? Is this what ever, does everyone like this? And then Sony announced Shenmue 4. Yeah. It's wild. It was so sick. I was so excited. This one is called Forklifts. Also Sonic the Hedgehog Origins in which he is very slow for the first 90% of the game and he gets hit by lightning or something. Something. We don't know. We don't know. What I thought was great was at the end, remember the screen went black and you're like, well, that's it. And then they were like, just one more thing. And then Kratos, it showed Kratos and he

was like, I've got nuts too. And he started to peel it away. And then it was like black screen coming in 2018. And it's like, I'm on board to see Kratos' nuts in 11 years. It's coming in a lot in a while. Travis, when do you think 2018 is Travis? Oh, I thought you said, for some reason I heard 2028. I don't know why. It's different. That would be quite the death cycle. Well, Justin, it takes a while to get the right texture mapping. Do you want half ass balls? I'm sorry, Justin. Do you want half ass balls? Is that what is going on with Gordon, with my man Gordon? Is Gabe just trying to get the balls? My new gun in this one is balls. He's just got perfect physics laden balls. Worth the wait. And what's weird is they also

revealed Saints Row 5, very tasteful. No nudity, no balls. They were like, now everyone's doing balls. It's a children's edgy game. It is fucking weird. It's so weird. They were like, you know what? We've pushed the boundary. We've come back around the other side. Now, very tasteful. Like a Downton Abbey-esque kind of game from the people at Saints Row. And it's great. The next Dragon Age announced that too. They're doing like a Pokemon Red, Blue version. One where there's a version with lots of huge balls on all the dragons and on everybody. And then there's one where it's more pure, I guess. And the balls are more tasteful balls. Any other funny things we can say about video games balls? Something about Mario's balls? I think that's pretty good. That's well trod at

this point. He has those things out for anybody that'll ask. That wouldn't have been a reveal at all. So, yeah. What I didn't like was seeing Madden's balls again. It's like every year, it's like EA feels like they have to show us Madden's balls. And it's like, we get it. They're the same balls as last year, but they look a little bit better. Now, I don't know how that arc is working, by the way. Whatever Madden is doing for those bad boys is working for him. I will say, I did appreciate that they finally just admitted the truth and just called it what it is and announced the new ball of duty game. Okay. And that's it. That's the logical terminus. There's our stop. Everybody off. On this show, we talk about video game characters' balls, but also sometimes

give advice in between. So, I'd like to get right to it. About a year ago, I went to a party at my friend's new place. During the event, I walked straight through the screen door. Oh, man. About 20 minutes later, another party goer did the exact same thing and the door was ruined. That's true. Okay, hold on. I'll get to the signs in a second. The door's ruined. Now, one year later, my friend's roommate is asking me to pay for the replacement of the door as they move out. What should I do? I caused the damage, but so did the other guy. Isn't this past the statute of limitations? And that's from a egregious door smasher in Everett, Washington. Okay, so what I don't understand is how you walked through the screen door yet left

enough. More enough for somebody else to penetrate. You took down a couple cubes of the don't break the ice, but then somebody else came in and finished the fight. It sounds like maybe a little bit. Perhaps person A, the question-answer is on the shorter side. So, when they walk through, they tore out one side and the bottom. I see, I see, I see. Person 2 was much taller and they took out the top section. I will say if two folks in one night walk through the same screen door, that is a design failure on part of the door. Maybe the mesh was too fine. You're lucky it didn't just like grate you. You could have walked into it and just turned out the other side like Play-Doh spaghetti. Cube to hypercubed right there all over the floor.

And then that's another thing they have to pay that's coming out of the damage deposit is that there's just cubes of Brian all over. As far as the statute of limitations, that gets so tricky because this is the type of thing that it happens and it's at a party and you had a few Beverly's and you look over and your friend fucking Kool-Aid man smashes through your screen door. And it's very, very funny. And then when it's time to move out, you look at that same screen door and you're like, oh yeah, we have to pay for that. And so I think it comes up again. Well, but Griffin, I would say that the statute of limitations for this is the 20 minutes it took for the next person to walk through it. Because if you separated that out longer, if you're like,

yeah, I ran into my friend's screen door and then three months later, someone else did it and like it was completely demolished at that point, you wouldn't be like, okay, well, you're both responsible. Now I would say like, wait, hold on, that person's responsible. I may have started it, but they definitely finished it. Yeah, but you could make the argument that it was you who necessitated the fixing in the first place. You normalize the process of Hulk smashing through the screen door. Your friend saw you do it and was like, well, I guess it's okay. I guess everybody's smashing through the screen door. This is his policy here. Fuck. At the same time though, I can't imagine how funny this was. And I think that that pays for

itself. Like, yeah, I got to, you know, I got to dish out like 70 bucks or whatever to fix the door. But I had 70 bucks worth of laughter and funny stuff. Do y'all remember when I did this? At Uncle Dave's house, we were over at our Uncle Dave's house down in Florida. And this was a fucking decade ago. And I saw a golf cart out in his driveway. And I saw it. And I guess I thought in my mind, I was going to go and hop in the golf cart and like do a few laps around the community. And I said out loud, Grand Theft Auto and look at referencing the game, not the crime. And I just went right through the fucking thing. And it was really, really funny and that but Uncle Dave got pretty upset. And then later on, I called, I called Uncle Dave to apologize,

but I could not stop laughing over the phone. And so I do not think the apology was accepted or believed. It's very funny to watch somebody do this because it's a door. Doors are supposed to keep this from happening. And when it does, it is very, very hysterical. Yes, we'll pay for it. We'll do it. Fine. Send us an invoice and we'll, and we'll take care of it. Clarify, Justin. Clarify. Itemized. We need an itemized invoice. Itemized invoice. Labor, not too expensive. Get somebody who knows what they're doing. Can I do a real quick yahoo and then a better yahoo? Yeah, I'd love that. This quick one is like, it took me on a journey. It was sent in by Seth Carlson. Thank you, Seth. It's yahoo answers user X9 who asks,

I thought Obama was supposed to make the commercials on TV be the same volume as the shows. What happened to this? Commercials are still like twice as loud as shows. To me, this makes him a lame duck president. Pretty busted metric. This is very funny, huh? So, the FCC actually did a thing. They passed a bill in 2010 called the CALM Act, the Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation Act, where you get a penalty. If you fucking go from like, oh, Deborah, my mom's come over again. We got new spaghetti. Come on down and get the spaghetti. If you do that, you get fined like a bunch of money, but it doesn't seem to, I guess this is one where they're just like. How do you enforce that?

If somebody records it on their Tivo and they send you the Tivo recording of the spaghetti crime and the channel gets blasted. They must be just the profit margins on the spaghetti must just be so good. It's like whatever it takes, just blaze it. I would also just like to jump in here before anybody tweets or anything. That's also just not what lame duck means in any political content. Just because you didn't accomplish something doesn't make you a lame duck. That's a very specific thing. Anyways, just wanted to clarify that. I like this idea of like, I thought he said he was going to clean up the streets. Well, lame duck, mayor. Since having a baby who goes to sleep at like six o'clock, this is probably the most pressing

concern for me now, which is me and Rachel are watching the Big Bang Theory, just like quietly chuckling, like fighting the urge to just scream a good cackle out. What did he say about the flesh? Yeah. So he's like, he's like, he's like, uh, Captain McCartney and Klingon and Doctor Who and board games. And then it's just like, Pepsi's got it. Just like scream like, like fucking Tyrese just like, it shows up on the on my screen for Pepsi and he's just like, Pepsi's got it. Screaming and it knocks all of the pictures off my walls on my house and all I just replaced all the windows in the house and those have exploded. And the baby, the baby's crib like collapses like a cartoon, like all the wood falls apart.

We, I believe, have touched on this in a previous episode, but I'd love to circle around about it now that you all are in this situation. How miserable are TV shows? And I'm looking at you to impeach. I hate to drag you on this. How miserable are TV shows where dialogue is mixed to the quietest possible volume and every single footfall is like a thousand megaton bomb? I just, I do want to say it's interesting that you would single out to impeach where the dialogue to no dialogue ratio is like one percent dialogue. But yes, I do agree that especially if there's any kind of supernatural or fantasy element, fucking dragons are the worst. Like, can we please levelate those dragons? Please. When we, when we were rewatching Buffy, we're almost done. Thank

Christ. Every time she smokes one of those vampos, that sound effect was Joss, Joss was in the studio just like crank that shit. Did the just sound effect fucking pump that shit? I hate vampires. Fucking crank it. It's like, I'm going to kick you really hard vampire. I will see about that. I'm going to bite your neck first stab. Like, come on guys, please. I think by that Theresa and I, we watched Parks and Rack just like on loop and it's always the same thing with the intro music and it's like, hey, local, local government joke. Let's, so what do we, do we need the sequel to the column act, the column or act as proposed by the McRoy brothers so that their babies, so their babies cribs don't explode when the Pepsi commercial comes on? Let me, let me propose this.

What if it said there's just a service where like somebody comes to your house and they just ride the volume button? Like they're just there. They're not enjoying the thing and others like, yes. Oh, damn it. Anyway, this is the thing. I thought I saw this question. I was like, another goofball on Yahoo being a silly Billy. But no, I mean, this wasn't Obama's jurisdiction. I don't think, but there was a, there's a law about this that apparently this is just one of those laws, like many laws that you can just be like, no, we're just going to keep doing, doing it the regular way. I have an idea. I have an idea. You're going to love that. Everybody's going to love this. It is a way more enforceable law. Pass a law. All commercials, the voiceover work

has to be done by Roman Mars. Oh, I love this. You're welcome. I was just telling Roman Mars yesterday that I'm going to load up like an MP3 player and just play it like on a loop of 99% invisible in my baby's room so that she will both learn to speak eloquently, but also like not get woke up by big spikes of like yelling. I got you. Can I pitch you a different idea? Yes. A new law that says that every line of dialogue on every TV show from now on has to be screamed at the top of your lungs. And because then even that would normalize it. Even then I could, I could turn my volume down to a regular volume so that when Tyrese is like, Pepsi's got it. And then it gets back and it's like, Mike, did you drop the car off at the

mechanic? No, Molly, I forgot. Damn it, Mike. That's from Mike and Molly, a classic scene for Mike and Molly. I think that would solve the problem too. Okay, wait, wait, alternate, next up on tonight's show, we got The Weeknd. How about all commercials are voiced by Roman Mars, but also all parts and all TV shows are played by Roman Mars. I would do that. 88, some Mars ADR. No, no, no, he plays every part. Oh, the one who knocks. All right. He's gonna be busy. He's gonna be very busy. Here's another question. I park about 15 minutes away from work, but I don't mind because it's a nice walk through a field. Last week, I saw a teen planting a five foot conifer.

When we made eye contact, he got rather weird and hid around to the other side of it. You gotta help me through this. I walk past it every day now and I don't know why he hid. Ideas? That's from confused about the conifer. Holy shit. Three possibilities. Okay. I'll tell me what you think. Nymph, dryad, or some sort of satyr. It's definitely one of the three. It's definitely supernatural. Definitely supernatural. It's a nymph, it's a dryad, or it's a satyr. It was the spirit of this tree, one way or the other. I mean, whatever the form it took is, I think we can all agree that there's definitely you. This is a Narnia Ask Mr. Tumnus like invitation to go on our fantasy world, but you had to get to work.

Definitely a Tumnus. Definitely a Tumnus. We're looking at full on Tumnus. Find that tree. Got a hole? Put your head in the hole. There you go. Down you go. To the other world. To the other one. Follow him. Follow the Tumnus. Always follow the Tumnus. You always have to just stop what you're doing, drop what you're doing, and follow the Tumnus. 100% of the time. Gotta follow the Tumnus till you read the Tumnus. That's what I've always said. Do you know how many Tumnus opportunities, like how many people get Tumnus opportunities in this life? Not many. Not many. I've never fucking had one, but if I did, you can bet I would drop what I was doing, stop what I was doing, and go get that Tumnus. That's it. I did once. Oh, shit.

Yeah. I mean, time didn't pass the same for you guys. So I was only gone for like five minutes, but from my view, I was gone for 25 years, and that's when I learned French and cross-stitching. You forgot the French. I forgot the French part. I didn't learn it great. I learned it like high school learned it, you know, enough to pass. But that was it. I actually, now looking back in retrospect, I probably could have spent more time away from Tumnus, exploring Narnia. Mostly, I just hung out with Tumnus cross-stitching and speaking French. So on the off, on the off chance, this is in a Tumnus scenario. The only other explanation is that, look, when you're a teen, you're almost always looking for places to make out or smoke weed. And so this person was probably

planting a lovely tree just to have one more spot in the world where they could go and have some some sneak time, a little bit of sneak time. Like there's not enough places, there's not enough little shadowy spots and, you know, elements to break line of sight in this field that he likes to get blazed or make kisses in. And so they planted this tree to have like a little zone, a little them zone. I really like this forward thinking that you're pitching here, Griffin, where they planted a five foot tall tree and thought, man, in a hundred years, I'm really going to enjoy smoking weed behind this. Well Travis, what are they going to do? Carry a massive redwood into this field? No, they're probably a teen. Listen, you're right.

You're right. You know what? I was wrong and you were right. I do also want to say, question asker, it's also quite possible that what you were witnessing appeared to be a teen planting a tree, but was in fact a teen contemplating stealing a tree and you foiled it. I want to, I like to, I'd like to go back and pitch the visual mental picture of an 80 year old person taking another person into a big field where a big tall proud conifer is there and he goes up and puts his hand on the tree and tells the story of how he planted it and how he always has been waiting for this moment more or less his entire life and then he just pulls out the biggest doober and is like, all right, let's party. Let's party, grandson. It's time to do this damn

thing. I planted this smoke tree for you. For us. For now. This is our family legacy. Wow, I was so hoping. Whoa, we got a Haunted Doll Watch. It's been forever. I feel like Haunted Doll Watch has been thoroughly munched by the Munch Squad. Well, let me just off the tome. Haunted Doll Janet, very high EMF. I'm going to go ahead and Skype you all a link. If you're playing along at home, you can feel free to Google. Don't read ahead, please. I would ask, you can just enjoy the pictures of Haunted Doll Janet. Very active high EMF. I got to say, she's got a lot of, just a lot of hair and what looks like some Mardi Gras beads sort of binding her. That's the first fun thing is that she's been bound by Mardi Gras beads in this one.

Janet is an active essence. She is enjoyed mostly in the early morning hours and just at sunset. The tilapia, may I recommend a Janet. This one has been aged for many years. She prefers to be made. Why do you like run out of bed every morning? You don't understand. My Janet is best in the early morning hours and you want to catch Janet, you got to get up before sunrise. Early bird gets the spooky doll. She prefers to be away from a window, but what's a view to the outside? Oh, what a fucking deal, man. Enjoy this periscope, Janet. Fuck off. You're about to feel bad. I feel that this is because her essence was shut away during her life

and was warned against being seen by outsiders. Parentheses maybe hiding during World War II? I mean, fucking maybe. Based on what? A big swing. Yeah, just take a shot at it when I put it on a shelf. Maybe against the devil? When I put her on the shelf, maybe she was trapped in a cupboard, like Indian in the cupboard? You don't know. You don't know. When I put her on a shelf with other vessels the next morning,

she would be on the floor. She doesn't like to be around other people. Well, that sounds more like a problem with the other dolls, being bullies. Communicating with her was ellipses. Fluid. It's so natural. What does that mean? It's natural. It's sweaty. Janet, are you feeling this?

This early morning vibe? I gained my insights by sitting with her over a L-O-N-G hyphenated period of time. It's heightening the longness of this period of time and allowing the conceptualization to enter my consciousness. With my other dolls, the feeling I got from them was singular. I would get a strong feeling over time, much like you sit quietly in the wilderness and begin to hear sounds that you did not pick up immediately. You experience the tapestry as a gestalt rather than focusing on any individual threads within the tapestry. It was in these times that she would be the most active with me.

Janet Doll is made from porcelain, and I believe it is five feet. There's no reality in which this doll is five feet tall. What the fuck? There's a picture of it standing next to a thing of incense that it is as big as. Is this a five-foot novelty incense stick? Okay, two things. One, go to this and look at the pictures because what I love is you get a one-picture doll by yourself. And then two separate pictures of the incense candle picture as if they're like,

which one of these do you think is best? You know what? I'll do both. And then secondly, Justin, that was very charitable of you in describing what Janet Doll is made from because you said porcelain, when in fact the material that they claim is procalium. Procalium is a new material that we're all really excited about. The new Tesla models are mostly procalium. This is not five feet tall.

That's correct. No, not in any way. It's not a fucking blockbuster cardboard standup of the rock. It's a little doll. This is such false advertising that I believe this person could actually go to jail for how bad they whipped this size estimation. Also, just real quick, starting bid $95 or buy it now for $150, you know, I don't want to stress about it.

Three folks watching. Oh, that's us. There's, I don't like to stress out. I don't want to put the $95 in. You pay an extra $65 for the $150 buy it now. But just the peace of mind that it brings me is so worth it. I can have this in my door estimated between Wednesday, June 14th and Monday, June 19th. Fucking like, yeah.

All right, let's do it. I'm going to pull the trigger. Well, Griffin, I do have one question for you though. Does the seller list an item condition for this haunted doll? Let's see. No. Oh, it says, oh God, it's there's nothing in it. But in where the additional notes are, it says quote unquote new.

All right. New. What does that mean in regards to a haunted doll possibly from World War Two? Quote unquote new. It's new. This is a fresh out the box haunted doll. And this is also seller haunted items. Number four letter you.

Thank you very much. 100% positive feedback. Love their service. I also just want to say they do not address the Mardi Gras bead binding. No, not at all. No. But if this doll was five feet tall, the beads binding this doll are fucking gigantic. Yeah, they're kind of enormous.

Marley's earthly chains just binding this doll. Hey, I just I just started a new level and I need to really focus. So do you think we could take a quick break and maybe go to the money soon? And then a new level of the video game I've been playing this whole time. Okay, got it. Yeah, let's go. Oh, hi, Travis here. You may be wondering, but where are the other brothers?

Well, this is the future, this segment that you're hearing right now. This is a couple of days after we recorded that last segment and Justin and Griffin are in Los Angeles getting ready to cover E3 for their other jobs. So you're stuck with me talking about our sponsors this week, but I couldn't be happier because joining me this week in place of my brothers is Wink. I think we've talked about Wink before. It's I love it. I use it once a month.

I get a shipment of wine to my house and it's not just like random, you know, whatever they had lying around, they throw it in a box. It's based off of what I like and not like the intricate questions of well, what's do you like notes of berry and cedar? It's like, do you like chocolate or vanilla? Do you like sweet or savory questions that you can actually answer and feel confident answering? So you should go to try Wink.com. It's T R Y W I N C Wink W I N C.com.

And you can take a brief palette profile quiz and then they'll recommend wines based on your palette and then they'll be shipped directly to your door because Wink bases the wines they send you on your taste preferences. Wink will introduce you to new custom wines that are not available anywhere else. I really am a huge fan. It allows me to, you know, show off to my friends a bit to pull out wines that they've never seen and they've never heard of. I'm a big fan.

Highly recommend. You may have heard us talk about them back when they were club W. Well, they've become a wink now. Now they are become Wink and I'm a big fan. So right now, Wink is offering $20 off your first order. When you go to try Wink.com, T R Y W I N C.com slash my brother. They'll even cover the cost of shipping. So that's try Wink T R Y W I N C.com slash my brother to get $20 off your first order.

Now plus complimentary shipping trying Wink.com slash my brother. Also joining me this week, one of my best friends, maybe one of my closest friends, me undies. I'm wearing them right now. This is a lot weirder to talk about when no one else with me. Now I'm just having a private moment talking about my underpants that I'm wearing right now. Every pair of me undies is sustainably sourced and made from micro modal fabric that's three times softer than cotton.

But I tell you from personal experience, it feels a billion times softer than clouds. Yes, that's right. It feels like you're girding yourself in clouds, but softer. Yes, this month is a rainbow confetti print called celebrate because they come in all kinds of patterns and there's new designs all the time. There's limited edition patterns each month. This one I'm a really big fan of. I think it's really cool looking, but I'm a fan of all of them from, you know,

like a plain black or green or whatever to their amazing print. They've got some really, really cool designs over at me undies.com. So you should try me undies today to get the celebrate pattern before they're all gone. Go to me undies.com slash my brother and you'll save 20% off your first pair. And if you don't love your first pair of me undies, they're free. So get 20% off your first pair plus free shipping at me undies.com slash my brother right now me undies.com slash my brother. We've also got some personal jambotron messages.

This one is for Chris, the law student in Minnesota. The only one, the only law student in Minnesota. Hi, Chris. It's from David and Sarah who say, Hey, Chris, we love you. And we're super proud of you for finishing this year of law school, as well as the whole rest of your life. Okay. Okay.

You're doing great. And you bring us all joy every day, even those of us that didn't get in on this message. We love you and hope you have the happiest day. I hope this message is delivered by a brother you like. Oh man, I hope so too. It's just me. I hope I'm the one. I was a little thrown off there because I was confused of the

proud of you for finishing the year and the rest of your life. But I think that they meant they're proud of them for that. And also proud of the rest of their life. Not because Chris finished the rest of his life. But anyways, yes, congratulations, Chris. Good job. I understand law school is very difficult. This next message is for Michael O'Hara.

And it's from Martha O'Hara who says, Happy belated anniversary, Michael. It is I, your wife, Martha. I know that we said no gifts this year, but a mere technicality could not stop me from pursuing this great idea. Much like an emergency appendectomy did not stop us from seeing Hamilton. You are the best and I love you. That is some amazing dedication to seeing Hamilton. Did you like take a break in the middle of the appendectomy?

Were you like, hold on, can you tie that off? And I'll be back in two and a half hours. That's amazing. So happy anniversary, Michael from Martha. Lots of love. Sorry about your appendix. Hey readers, all of you bookworms, comic geeks, library junkies, literary fiction lovers,

bibliophiles, and nerds. Want to get more out of your reading life? Listen to Reading Glasses. I'm Brea Grant. And I'm Mallory O'Mara. We want to help you read better. Join us every Thursday on Maximum Fund's new podcast where we talk about book culture and solve your reader problems.

Reading Glasses will teach you how to vanquish your to be read pile, connect with other readers, and get more reading into your busy day. No matter what you read or how you read it, we'll help you do it better. That's cute. Hey, can I do a yahoo now? Yep.

Is it good? Yeah, lots, lots, and lots, and lots of people sent this one in. Thank you, everyone. Seriously, I think like six people. So an anonymous yahoo user, say Janet, asks, How do you avoid getting water up your rear when going on certain water slides? Update, update, update.

Like the really steep fast ones with lots of water pressure. I think everybody sort of got their own way of dealing with this. Me, I've started to sort of work with a kind of hydrophobic, tight sort of undersuit that I wear under my swimsuit that keeps everything just like gunpowder dry. And so like it's not even, it's hydrophobic. So like I'm going in the water from the water slides, let me get in that rear end.

But my undershorts are just like think about it again. I'm very afraid of you. You know what I mean? When you go down the water side, the water goes, it just naturally wants to snake up there. And I guess I'm asking like how you don't, how you don't. Maybe get it two scrunchies. Two scrunchies.

Hold the trunks. Oh, the trunks for the trunk's legs. Closed. You know what I mean? I'm turning them into a kind of a, they'll kind of look like a pantaloon I think at that point. Yeah. I think that would look kind of nice.

And then you, and then you also have a sort of tourniquet situation, which is good if like one of your, something happens to the legs. That's possible on a water slide. You can just do what I did. What did you did? What I did was I just had skin grafted over my butthole. So. No, no, not yet.

Okay, not yet. Just like permanently sealed, but. Just in case of water slides. I know I will say Travis, this is a lot of folks here that think what a crass joke. Travis is his biggest tube junkie I ever met. He loves those big wet tubes and he goes down them all the time. So like if somebody were to kind of like a water world, Kurt Costner got the gills put in just because he swims all the time.

Like Travis gets on those wet tubes all the time. And so like he does need like a, a practical easy solution. Let me be clear. It is not the only modification I've made. I mean, my whole butt cracker is now smooth. It's one whole cheat. I've also had the points of my elbows and knees shaved down to help with my aero di, uh, you know, aerodynamics, uh, dynamicism.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think aqua dynamics is what you're thinking of. Because it's not just, it's not just, you don't just got to seal up the craft. You want it to go as fast as is possible on those tubes. My arms are permanently bound to my sides. Oh, wow. Yeah.

No, listen, and I also shave my eyebrows off. So like there's a lot of steps. What's the eyebrows for? Just for looks. Do you think if you got trunks tattooed on, they would let you go down naked? Oh, say it again. If you got trunks or, uh, you know, bikini bottoms or one piece of whatever tattooed on, do you think they would let you go down naked?

If you have it tattooed, I, I wish I could say no, but it does look like you're wearing trunks. I can't tell any difference. Yeah. You know what? I'm going to say go ahead. I'm going to let it go. I'm a 17 year old.

He doesn't care. So sure. Fuck it. And I'm Crash Bandicoot and I'm ready to slide. You must be wearing some sort of trunks because I can't see any kind of butt crack. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

Oh my gosh. So fast. Holy shit. All right. Three, two, one and go and you're out. What? How did that? What?

You, there was another kid in the slide. You shot through them. What the fuck? Uh, a fun thing to do when you get on a water slide is the last thing you should say the person is time me and then they'll feel like, oh, how am I supposed to get this information to him after? Yeah. What am I supposed to time him with?

None of that stuff. And then another fun thing just before you get in the water slide, yeah, like the window's about to close. I have to go now and then jump in. But then just before you reach the bottom kind of pin your arms to the side. So like you hold yourself in place. So when the person's looking, you don't come out the bottom. You must have slid.

And now they're remembering sliders and how much they love that. And how much they love that show. I really don't want them to be distracted though. It's an important job they have. Yeah. I think it's okay. I think it's okay for a little water to go up. That can be nice.

Can be good. It's like a bidet. It's just like a bidet. One time when I was a little kid, we were at a water park outdoor. Maybe the one at Kings Island, if that was extra. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was so thirsty. Oh, no.

For whatever reason, our parents wouldn't buy me a drink. And I don't know why. Maybe they're too expensive or I don't know why. But I have maybe they didn't love you. Maybe they didn't care. It was they they they had just bought me a drink. And so like they were just kind of tired. Can I share Griffin's?

Absolutely not. What a dumb question. So I slid down a water slide. And at the bottom of the water slide, I forced myself I landed in the splash pool. I forced myself to take a big gulp of water. God, this is the most viscerally upsetting. Like I'm not joking. The most upsetting thing that has been discussed on this episode so far.

And more so than Travis's like but whole modifications. This is the whole crack, Griffin. Let me ask you this. One time I was leaving New York and I went to the wrong airport. And I realized at the last moment and hop back in the cab and paid the guy to as like a private car. Like he was also moonlighting for Carmel. So I asked him to like I will pay you to take me to Newark.

And I was at LaGuardia. And he was like, well, it's going to be tight making it there. And he just floored it. And I realized that I was planning on getting a drink at the airport and hadn't drank anything all day. And I was thirstier than I've ever been in my entire life. Except for the time that I drank water out of a splash splash water park. And I noticed in the door of the cab, someone left half a water bottle.

There and I did pick it up and drink it because I was so thirsty. Now my question to you is this. Wait, wait, hold on. Sealed water bottle already open. Half empty, I said. Half empty. Okay. That would have been quite the fucking feet.

So what's worse? One of them didn't have other people bathing and lounging around and splashing around with their kids and having fun and playing. That one's chlorinated though. Here's the thing. Justin, have you thought about that your entire life after drinking from the wave pool has been a lie? A fugue fever state brought on by the consuming of that horrible poison.

And everything now is your brain just giving you images to cover up for your pool water coma. Like I'm still there in the pool? Yeah. And all of this has just been like kind of an Oracle at Delphi kind of forward. Like you're, you've breathed in the vapors and now you're able to see time in all of its many forms and facets. Well, I mean possible, but you have to assume then at that point that I've been kept alive

in stasis in the wave pool this entire time. So yeah, like a pre-cog. People are just splash down and around. Oh, watch out for the little tubby guy. Hold on. Let me float him over to the other side. And darn it. He's helping Tom Cruise solve mysteries.

You gotta watch out for him. Darn it. Grab the umbrella. What did he say? Drop the nickels. What did he say? What is he saying? I couldn't hear him over the water slide.

It's only, it's a pre-cog, but he only consents, um, uh, waterslide park crime. So it's like that there should be more cheese in there. It's supposed to be three fourths of the way filled up on those nachos. He's starting to wake up out of it, but we haven't solved this crime. Here, quick, give him that gross bottle of water and get him back into it. It's a re, that's a, that's a refill, collectible refill mug that he brought from home. He didn't buy that today. I'm a senior in high school.

My class has been pretty lame with the pranks. So the other night I gathered up some friends and decided to fork the football field. And that's stick plastic forks in it to spell some stuff or just be a nuisance. We were doing well for about an hour when several cop cars pulled up and we had to drop everything and run. I managed to escape, but I left my sister's backpack behind. I was using it to carry extra forks. It's definitely been confiscated by now, but she doesn't know I used it.

Should I turn myself in and get her backpack back? Or should I be just the worst and pretend I have no idea where it went? Our race being charged with trespassing because I was on school grounds at 1 a.m. and ran from cops. That's from perplex prankster. P.S. I managed to write zag on them before we were chased off. God, not in our name. Taking the day the next day when everyone found the prank.

There are photos I could forward to you later. Can I just say just personally, one of the things I really love about this is the idea of forking is very funny to me because it seems definitely like a nuisance, but kind of like a what? Well, you know, this could be worse. Okay, let's pick up these 40 plastic forks and go on about our lives. Uh, probably not 40, probably hundreds. Probably hundreds and hundreds.

Here's how you know if you're old. If you hear this story and you're like, huh, nice, you're probably not. If you hear this story and you're like, all that poor guy, because there's some poor guy or lady that had to go in the next morning and just individually pluck forks out of the football field. That's a rough day. You know, they've got a full load and now they've got to deal with your forks. Six kids spend one hour stabbing force into a football field.

That's going to take one adult six hours to remove all of the force in the football field. It spells out Zug on him. What do you think it means? It spells out Zago name. Fucking kids. I just don't know anymore. Is this some sort of Beyblade? Is there a Beyblade character named Zago?

I fucking over it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, officer. The the trail's gone. Wait, what's that? A pink chance for it says Deborah on it. This cold case is heating up. You're excuse me.

Are you Dr. Zago name? Yeah, that's me. Are you here for an appointment? No, not really. Bend over that fucking desk. Hands behind your back. We got him. We got him.

The fork menace. Please, you have to let me finish this butthole smoothing operation. Please, please, please. I can't stop in the middle. It's essential. I got another ping. Matrix fingerprints were found on this Jansport. It's the 16th one but we think this is a clue that's finally going to lead us to the truth.

It's a Jansport. Hold up. Hold up. Everybody, hold up. Amazon.com. And then we're going to type in the name of the backpack brand Jansport. Backpack in luggage and travel gear. This is $15.82.

Come on. Should I go to jail or should I pay $15.82 to get a new Jansport? A new fresh Jansport with like, you know how Jansport and any backpack really, just even if you never put food in it, it gets food crumbles in the bottom of it at some point. A fresh start. No crumbles. And also no crumbles but also no jail. What if you went to the police station and you just incredibly dramatically threw yourself

on the mercy of the officers in order to reclaim your sister's backpack? Just like, they're like, I did it. I was the one who zacked upon them and that is my sister's backpack. How could I have done that? And like really just like tear your shirt, gnashing your teeth. My bad is they'll just hand you the backpack and tell you to leave because they're very busy. No, no. $15.82 to get out of this, right? The other option is you go and you think like, oh, it's just a harmless prank.

They are always, always, always casting for Scared Straight. 100% of the time they're casting for Scared Straight. You go in there and with your innocent cherubic, I did a prank. They're gonna, it's gonna happen. Yeah, they're gonna get you. Sorry. On the show, sorry. You're on the show now.

What if they trace the Jansbord back to the question and answer sister and now we got like a prisoner's dilemma. And if you speak up about the backpack, you know, that kind of, you know, you know, that old question and that question asker sit perfectly still. Now, don't move. I said, don't move. Gradually turn your head to the right as if you're looking at something at a 45 degree angle away from you using your peripheral vision.

Don't look. Using your peripheral vision. Tell me, do you see John Kenyonez? Because it's entirely possible. Your, this entire experience is an episode of what would you do? And John Kenyonez would like to go home. John Kenyonez has a family. So if you would just poop or get off the pot so John Kenyonez can go about his life,

he's got a lot of TV to craft and he would like to move on. And he's just been following you, eating whatever you leave on your plate, hiding, hiding on your closet shelves and sleeping there. Yeah. Cannot stress enough, though. Do not look directly at John Kenyonez or he might attack. Yeah, you'll be turned to stone. Should we do one more Yahoo or not?

Just a real quick one. Well, I got two. This one was, hmm, I'll do, I'll ask both. This one was sent in by Amelia Berger. Thank you, Amelia. It's the Yahoo Answers user Kevin Zach, who asks, how do we make apple juice more relevant to adult consumers? We're gonna have fun with that as somebody owns an apple juice company.

And boy, they're hurting. And then this one was sent in by Maddie Taylor. Thank you, Maddie. It's the Yahoo Answers user Gary, the human being who asks, would you like to go completely Gary free? Okay, quick answer to question number one. You call it apple eye juice. And now you got a lot of time.

Jesus, what a bad joke. Okay. And it's not a joke, Griffin. That's my honest answer. Now let's talk about Gary. I'm going to an island. It's an exclusive festival, exclusive music festival. Everyone's going to be there and it's going to be amazing.

The people who aren't going to be there. Let's see. Gary Sinise. Gary. That's the only Gary I can think of, huh? That's peculiar. There's got to be some more Garry's. Gary Bucey is not invited.

Gary Marshall. Gary Marshall is not able to come to the thing. Entrepreneur. Gary Vaynerchuk is not there. I just saw right where I was going with that. That's pretty good. The snail Gary from SpongeBob. Don't you think if you Google famous Gary's,

it's weird that it's not G-A-R-I-E-S? That's pretty weird, right? Yeah, I don't like seeing G-A-R-Y-S. Actually, the interesting thing is the plural of Gary is Gary. Like I saw several Gary. Yeah. So Gary Coleman. Gary Oldman.

Oh, that's a shame. Oh, fuck. Hold on. This website started playing jazz music. Gary Oldman. That one hurts. I would love that one stings. Gary Bucey and all the others can't come.

Do you know Gary Kasparov can't come, but like Gary Oldman, that one stings. So you know, and this is a scientific fact, there are more Garry's alive now. Than have ever been alive in all of history combined. It's a hot name. Whoa. It's a hot name.

Yeah. There's one more. One more Gary alive now. Like if we lose that Gary though, it's going to tip the scale. Who's older? Gary Sinise or Gary Oldman? Oh, Gary Oldman, right?

Travis. I'm going to say Gary Sinise. I'll split that up. Gary Sinise is older than Gary Oldman. That's wild. It is wild. So what would it be if all Garry's were, spirited away somewhere to the Garry plane?

What would that mean for me? Do you think that it would make you stop, like you couldn't remember a time with Garry's or would it just be like moving forward? No more Garry's. Moving forward. I get now. I think it's that they've been unwritten.

They've been unwritten from the. They've been undone. They've been on Garry. My friend's stepdad is named Garry and we use his HBO. You're definitely in trouble there. It would be bad for me. I couldn't catch the new season of Game of Thrones.

Or I wouldn't have been able to see any of the Game of Thrones. I just wouldn't have. Folks would be like, do you see this new episode? I say I don't because I have no Garry's in my life. I think I would love to see that Angel Clarence just leading a pack of Garry's. Just a, is it a murder of Garry's?

I can never remember around the world to show them what it would be like in a Garry-free world. Like had there never been any Garry's, what that world would be like. They would see me having brunch with my friends and one of them was like, the Lannisters always pay their debts. And I'm like, what is that?

What's that mean? Do you think that there would definitely be Garry's who are like, it's Garry. I go by Jerry, please don't take me, please. I actually just found the Guardian story and the headline is High Noon for Garry. Why is the once popular name on the verge of extinction? Can I say, look at this list.

I Googled famous Garry's and there's a website that only has like six Garry's on it. That's not very many. Just to put a button on this. This question was asked by Garry the human being. That's hard. That's hard. It's tough.

And I do want to read some of the answers. This is by user, let the past make you better, not bitter. Who says, no, you're a nice user. Someone says, get a grip. Get a grip. Would you Garry G? Garry should have to figure out.

Little big man says, no way. You're a good guy, Garry, mate. One anonymous user who's too chicken shit to use their real fucking name says, yes, that would be nice piece of shit. Sharon S says, no, never. Weasel McWeasel says, no, where would the fun in that be? I tamed the bee says, no, you're my friend.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is there in the Yahoo Answers world, is there a community? Are they like- I'm worried there might be a sort of union, a blessed union of souls here. Like, oh, Garry's out of the get. Like, they are all connected? Or maybe they're just instantly supportive people

that we've been dumping on publicly for the better part of seven years. Princess Buddy says, no way, you're a good user here and ask good cues. It would be boring on here without you. Yahoo, without my Garry? Blue Sky says, no, you're one of the nicest people on this site, Garry.

Garry, I love your posts and your submissions. Are you kidding? Wait, what the fuck? Garry, you crush a 24-7, we couldn't do this without you. Are there only like 12 people on Yahoo Answers? I mean, yeah. Yeah, more or less. That's why when you go and it's like, you go for it,

it's like my baby's doing this weird thing, just want to check and see if it's sick or not. You're really asking these 12 people who all sort of put their heads together to generate the best answer for points. You're asking the Council of 12, the Yahoo governing body of which Garry is one, but he's also, you know, he's the shy one.

You take it before the fellowship of the dingus here and just see what gym they can barf out. Garry, without Garry? No way, what's the point? Yeah, I'm not, I can't go on in a Garry-free world. They were like, we're going to change it to Altaba. And Garry was like, if you do that, I'll leave. And everyone's like, if Garry leaves, we revolt.

And they were like, all right, fuck it, it was a bad idea. What about Oath? Garry's like, nah, fuck that too. And everyone's like, yeah, what Garry said? I hope Garry's doing okay. Yeah, me too. Hey, Garry, if you're listening, I know that we make a lot of jokes,

but we really like having you around. It's always better with Garry here. That's going to do it first. I've always said that. Garry, Garry, Garry, Garry has 19,763 answers. Are you shitting me? Whoa. What doesn't he know?

He doesn't know how awesome he is, Justin. Yeah, he doesn't know how important he is to us. And also like time management, I think probably. Are you able to give us just a sampling of some of the areas of Garry, the Garry is of his expertise? Uh, no, I don't want to read any of these dude's sad answers. Well, folks, that's going to do it for us. Thank you so much for listening.

Thank you, Garry. Thank you, Garry, of course, as always. Thanks to all the Garry's listening, including my friend, Stepdad Garry, gave me a good HBO login. Thank you. Love watching the Mother of Dragons out there. One time, Jesse, when Game of Thrones was very buzzy,

one time, Jesse, our boss, tweeted a Lannister always has secrets. And then it's the only thing I could ever fucking think of whenever somebody talks about Game of Thrones. It's like it's like an earworm for puns. Thank you to you at home for listening. We very much appreciate you. And thank you for rating and reviewing our show on iTunes and subscribing and all that stuff.

Thanks to Danielle for the cool Munch Squad t-shirt. Thanks to Tommy for his game by the rights. Patrick sent his book, Space Tripping. Now, Tom Wall is a Cirque du Soleil cone juggler who tried to bury the hatchet with my brother, my brother and me on behalf of all jugglers by sending along a very cool Cirque du Soleil program from one of their Japanese shows.

And that was very nice, Tom. And my daughter put the stickers you sent along on her bed. So that is painful for me to have to see every day. To sort of confront every night. I do want to say cone juggling owns bounds. It's it's cool as fuck. Is it really juggling though? Because it's not really going up in the air.

It's going around a cone. I think it's a different, that's like sorcery and I'm into it. Fair enough. All right. We'll give cone jugglers a pass. Congratulations, Tom. You did it. I also want to say, along with that,

thanking people who have sent things in. Jesse Rob sent me, and I'm sorry if I mispronouncing your last name, Jesse, sent some intelligentsia coffee as well as giving me a very, very helpful tutorial on like coffee and why it tastes the way it does and how to pick the right one for the kind of coffee I like. And it was just in general wonderful. And intelligentsia coffee is great. And that's not a paid plug.

I'm just a big new fan. It's really fucking good. I'm a subscriber. Yeah, I get there every week. Do you all remember when I tried to take you to the intelligentsia cafe in Chicago? We took a train for like 45 minutes and walked forever. And it was closed. Like it had been closed for like a month.

Yeah, it was the hardest thing that's ever happened to me. I want to thank John Rodger in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. It's a really, really, really fucking good album. Go get it and go listen to it. Please, I'm begging you now. I'm now on my knees begging you. Anything else?

Yeah, thanks to Maximum Fun for having us. And you can go to maximumfun.org. Check out all the great shows there. If you want to hear more stuff we do, you can go to macroichows.com and check all that out. And I think that's it. All right. Well, do you have a final yahoo to send us out on Ditto? Yeah, here's a final yahoo and it was sent by Amelia Berger.

Thank you, Amelia. It's yahoo answers user C who asks, Don't horses deserve horse-shaped coffins? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. What's happening? My brother being kissed with that square on the lip. Maximumfun.org.

Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. And we're the hosts of Rosebuddies. It's a podcast about the bachelor family of products. We watch the bachelor, the bachelorette, and bachelor in paradise.

Yes, it is a garbage television, but we're the king and queen of this garbage pile. We're the raccoons in charge around here. So join us on Tuesdays. Because the TV show's on Mondays. And basically we'll recap what we saw and we'll just sort of scoop the garbage around us and make a little fort out of it. No viewing required. But it's a good TV show.

What are you doing?