My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 360: Gatorade Weak

Episode Date: June 19, 2017

Wait, don't tell us you're STILL chugging that full-power, unfiltered sports beverage? Listen: Nobody needs that much energy. Why not come down to our level with a smooth glass of a soothing Gatorade alternative? One for poet-types, and brain-thinkers! Suggested talking points: The Cream Cheese Incident, Apple Juice Marketing, Subway Connections, Blapron, Sperm Maze, Go-To Sillyness

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin Tyler McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis P. McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother and 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. A is my middle initial. Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit

terrified of what they mean about. That's right. Okay. My brother, my brother, and me, 360. We've done it. We're all the way back at the start. So it's like a geometry joke. Yes. Okay, so we've circled back around or like a fully immersive interactive experience? Well, it's both, Travis. We're back to the beginning. Oh no. Which means just a lot. We're just going to use challenging terminology for everybody that isn't a straight white dude. Sick. Sick. Great. Great. Sick. What's the audio quality going to be like, you ask? Oh, it will be un-listenable. It's going to be wrong. Yes. It's going to be hard. Yeah, it'll be hard to recreate that. I'm going to go put my expensive mic sort of dip it in a toilet for a bit and then continue using it. That

should recreate sort of the original wave files I was producing. Back at the beginning, as if we never left my brother, my brother, and me, the beginning. What was that? Hey, here's a trivia question for you. What was the first question ever on my brother, my brother, and me? Was it shampoo and a shower? Yeah, maybe. You don't know. You shouldn't have asked it if you didn't know it. I shouldn't have asked it if I didn't know it. That's, I completely agree. Now, Justin, where does the 360 immersive fully VR experience come in? That's what I want to know about. Can I plug this into my fucking Google cardboard that came with my New Yorker magazine and be in it, be in the room, be in the studio, turn to my left, see the big, big box of sickness

tissues I've got going, look to my right, and see the, well, I've got a roll of toilet paper over here just in case I run out of sickness tissues. Can people experience this at real time in their Google cardboard? That's the plan. We're still, the tech is still sort of in its, in a nebulous infancy. We've gotten till tomorrow to figure it out because we're recording on Sunday, so getting the 360 experience, I think, is obviously the biggest challenge we're facing currently. Well, maybe we can, maybe we can like audio it a little bit and I can say like, well, right now to my right, I'm recording on my desktop, but to my left, I'm shopping on Amazon for Father's Day presents for myself and I'm eyeballing the portable air conditioner I had to turn off,

so as not to actually make it sound like our first 10 episodes. Right. Yeah. And every second that takes by makes me sweat more and more. It was the air conditioner saying all the problematic stuff. Yeah, that air conditioner. Oh boy. I've got the first AC and definitely not PC. Yeah. I've got the first question. You ready? Yeah. My brother, my brother comes to us from the potato, the underscore potato on Twitter. God, that sounds bad. He asks, I want a larger follower account, but I'm finding it difficult to get more than two at a time. Ew. This was our... What can I do? Start a bunch of accounts and have them follow each other. Oh, that was a good one. Good job. That was our first question. That's a really good start. That was our first question. It was about

fucking social media like acumen. That was really what we fucking kicked it off with. Hey, listen, we did okay. I mean, like you can't, I do, I did have a lot fewer followers than I do now. So something here is probably pretty good. What are you all boys doing for dad's day? I'm going to play a lot of computer games and for one brief hour, pretend like my life now isn't at the whim of my seven month old daughter and that I can actually make decisions for myself. I'm trying to get to that captain underpants. Oh, yes. I'm trying to get over there. Another DreamWorks franchise. I want to celebrate the entire sort of company output. I got to get over there. I tried to get over there and in my excitement, I had two big buckets of popcorn,

two big buckets. And you know, I kicked the door open into the theater and they asked me to leave right there. And then so maybe I'll try again. A little more sub dude. Contain it a little bit. Contain it. Who's your, do you guys want to talk about a dad that's important to you? Not our dad, obviously, because it's an easy one, but a dad that's important to you. Like in media or like in real life, like my friends to use dad or something? I mean, if you, whatever you want to do, a dad is important to you. It's the only sort of, but not our dad. No, no, no. I mean, our dad is the most important dad. He's a great dad and a very special father. But I feel like we talk about him and his funny injuries every father's day,

like the time he cut his butt open, used a maxi pad. It's a big bandage. You know, basic stories like that. Well, no, not on his butt bones. Cause the, the, I believe it was a window screen cut him wide open, but fell right off. So that's important to us. Not on our dad who poured kitty litter and bleach down a drain and knocked himself out for several hours. Right, right, right, right. It's convenient about the, it's convenient about the butt thing. He puts his wallet on that side of his pants. He sits normal now. It all bounces out because some of the butt fell out when he cut himself. Right, right. That was, yes. I'll start. I guess Dave Hester from Storage Wars. We get to see some of that relationship unfold and entangle on the show with Dave Jr.

And I don't know. I mean, not a traditional great dad, I guess, but he has, he has a catch phrase and everybody loves that for a good dad. And you know, passes on business acumen, passes on the family business at all times. I am, I am, I am fucking rolling on that Suda so fucking hard. I'm on that Suda 51 so hard that like I'm being hypnotized, watching my own wave forms appear on the screen in front of me. It's going to be a fun record. I want to talk about Dave Thomas. Okay, wait, which founder? Founder of Wendy's. America's dad. Here's some cool, he wants to know some cool fucking things about Dave Thomas. Oh yeah. He was, he was adopted. He started a foundation for adoption. He worked at Kentucky Fried Chicken and the colonel tried to

lure him into- A trist. A big pit. A big pit full. A big pit full of hamburgers. And he was like, you know me too well colonel. No, he was, he was a, he, listen, he founded Wendy's. This is huge. Yeah, agreed. Found a Wendy's in Columbus, Ohio. Go to the first Wendy's. I think it's closed now, but found the first Wendy's extremely successful, but didn't graduate from college, right? Get this. He quit high school. In fact, he didn't even finish high school, but he found a Wendy's. This is just a rose that keeps blooming. I know, but get this. You ready? Yeah. He was so successful after dropping out of high school. He was worried that people would use him as an example for why you shouldn't finish high school. So he went back to high school in like- Yeah. In 1993,

he went to Coconut Creek High School. After founding Wendy's, this motherfucker went back to high school and got his GED. It's amazing. Let me pop right in. Can I get, can I pop into the cut real quick? Whatever you got. How he didn't wait for the draft of the Korean War. He volunteered for the army. Well, that, yeah. Now, did he have kids? Did he have a kid? Did he have children? He had four children. Okay. I just wanted to pop in. I just wanted to pop in there because we are talking about great dads. He's America's dad. He's the father of the Wendy's franchise, and he's father of, he's like a surrogate father to kids that want to quit high school and then find out that, and here's just another factoid. This isn't really related, but he made a cameo

appearances himself in Bionic Ever After, a reunion TV movie based on the $6 million man and the Bionic woman. So that's kind of a cool thing about Dave Thomas. And that was me. I do not have any context for that scene, but I'm assuming it's a pretty cool scene. Yeah. If for some reason Dave Thomas shows up as himself, I cannot fathom what happens in that scene, but I'm very excited that it exists. Do we know anything about Dave Thomas' politics? Oh, Jesus. Hold on. I mean, he was rich, so that probably didn't, not great maybe, but I don't know. I don't know about his personal politics. I'm not here to talk about Dave Thomas' politics. I'm here to talk about how he went back to high school to inspire kids to finish school. I think that's inspiring. Looks like he's pro-choice.

He's not anything. He's passed away, but the fine. So advice? So this is an advice show, and we help people with the real issues that are going on in their lives. Back in the early days, we used to do a lot of like benign shit, you know what I mean? Because we were afraid to get our toes into some hot water, but it's 360, so now we're back around to really, well- Soaking these toes. Soaking these toes in the hot water, like race, sex, politics, nothing's off limits, because this is my brother, my brother and me, 360. Here's our first question. How much cream cheese should I put on my bagel? And that's from cream cheese confounded. And it's, you know what? It's a pretty good question. Yeah, I guess so. It differs from where

you go to where you aren't. It's because you go to an airport and you get a bagel at an airport and they give you a thimble, a borrower full of cream cheese, the littlest cup, but you go to a New York deli. Hey, they get fucking crazy. It's like they've got a bunch of cream cheese and it's like Brewster's million style. They have to get rid of all of it in order to win the treasure or something. Here's the thing, when it comes to cream cheese, I see four options with your cream cheese application. Hold on, you faxed me over a chart here. Yeah, listen, I put a lot of thought in it. All right, I'm reviewing it. Option A, you have your open face cream cheese on both sides of the bagel option, right? Two different halves, both of them cream cheese.

Option B, you put cream cheese on one half, you make a sandwich out of it. Option C, cream cheese on both half, sandwich out of it. This is double cream cheese. Now that one, you're gonna dribble and it's gonna be, you're gonna get a lot of like, is that cum? No, it's not. It's cream cheese. I flew too close to the bagel sun. Option four and this is my preferred option. Just a container, whatever, a big lump of cream cheese, whatever, a dollop of cream cheese, however, you prefer to measure it out and then you break off pieces of the bagel. There we go. There we go. Scoop the cream cheese with it. That is your cream cheese palette and you will dip your brush and then spread it into the canvas of your mouth. Correct. I think that cream cheese is actually

a pretty good measure for where you're at as a grown-up. When I was a little kid, no cream cheese, butter and jam for me please, mother, butter and jam. Maybe a scoop of clotted cream? As I got a little older, I had basically the thinnest possible layer of cream cheese and then, as I got even older and I started to appreciate that gooey salty cheese, I started thinking like, I could take a little bit more of this. I can handle some more and so I would be eating a bagel with a pretty substantial amount of cream cheese and then from out of nowhere, some adult like, real grown-up would walk past me and be like, you know, some of us are putting locks on it and it's like, I'll never get there. I'm never gonna get to the point where like, oh, that's a good amount

of cream cheese, maybe a filet of brine salmon on top of that. You know, they're doing some capers on there too, which are just, I cannot fuck with capers in any way. But like, to think of a breakfast where I'm gonna put a filet of brine salmon on my cream cheese, no way. It's unthinkable. It's unthinkable. It's unthinkable. I'll fuck with some locks though. I don't know why I said it's unthinkable. I think about it a lot. And capers are really just like olives that couldn't quite get there, huh? It is tiny, salty, just like little, you know, like pop rocks only for salt instead of sugar. That's what caper is.

They're just weird, sick peanuts. Yes. If you really unpack it. I prefer Travis's method. It's just like, I have some tooth problems. Bottom left. The whole bottom left quadrant in my mouth just doesn't behave. I'm gonna see the dentist. The dentist says it's all made up. And I say, he says, you're just thinking too hard about it. Just to eat your fucking food. It's all goofed up. And so every bite of food I take is precious because it could be the last.

So I want to perfectly measure out each perfect bite. Every bite of bagel that I take is like a little amuse-bouche. And I just have a hundred of them and it's perfectly creamed. And I'm good to go. I'm ready to go. Anytime I have the opportunity to do that with my food, I will chase it. Anytime I have the opportunity to have a sort of Dunkeroo method, I am going to chase that 100% of the time. You touched on this Griffin, but I would like to circle back around. When I'm getting deli in New York, like in New York, like they say, hey, boo, boo, boo, boo. Hey, you know how they do it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is with the literal like down comforter of cream cheese that I have to gnaw through to get to the bagel inside? What is going on over there?

It makes me think that you're supposed to take some of it off and save it for later. Like it's like, this is for tomorrow's. We don't know if you have cream cheese at home. So this is for tomorrow's and possibly the day after that's bagels. It's a three-day cheese. Well, what most people don't realize about the economy of New York City is that like the cost of living is very high. Like a beer is like $20. And you know, like rent is of course very high. Everybody knows that. And it's like $20. Yeah, right. It's like $20 and a sandwich is like $20. And the balance is that cream cheese, super cheap. Like one cent a pound. So like that's how they keep, like that's how New York is able. If you took cream cheese out of the equation, everything will become so imbalanced in

New York City that it would literally sink. Hit me with this. Hit me with this. It's a city on the go. City on the go. City on the move. Everybody's always, always moving and going from business meeting to business meeting, right? Never sleeps. Never sleeps. Never sleeps. Getting a cab go from one business meeting to the fucking next business meeting. You've been home to check on your kids or your dog or whatever and forever. They're gone. They're gone. They're gone. They're gone. They're on the go too. They went to out of state New York. They're out. Give me a couple, give me a couple of months. You see babies stay out? This baby stay out. That's all it is. So listen, how come New York's food is like universally a big sloppy mess? You can go and get a big wet slices on. It's

going to dribble and drizzle all over you. You get a pound of cream cheese between two round boys and that's going to get all over you. You eat a big, the Coney Dogs. Coney Dogs. Don't get me started. There's two different types of driblings and drizzlings that you can do all over yourself. What is it? You're on the go and you're on the move and everybody's just fucking sticky and wet and covered in condiments all the time. What's happening, York? That's why, Griffin, they need it as an excuse to stop. That's how you know your day is done in New York. It's like, well, I'm caked in ketchup and cream cheese and syrup and whatever. So now it's time to take a breather. You've been out on the big streets making mud pies and mom's calling

you in for the day. Exactly. You've had enough. Maybe though, let me hit you with this. Maybe that is, you ever heard the term tourist trap? Maybe it's pretty literal in this sense, like, oh, you ate the food. Well, you're stuck and I can just zip right on past you. No problem. New York, more like no fork because they don't use, they don't even use utensils for these big messy foods. No fork city. Do you guys want a yahoo? Sure. In a no fork minute. This one was sent in by, this one was sent in by Amelia Berger. Thank you, Amelia. It's how who answers you. Even the apple's big. The big, it's a big, and you know it's wet. It's juicy inside. You know it's juicy. And it's been sitting up there long enough that it's also like really

soft. So you're going to bite it and the texture's not going to be right. Sorry, Travis. Sorry. Stop the pockets. It's been up there. Where do you think the apple is? It's on top of the Empire State Building. That's why King Kong climbed up there. To get to it. He's doing the tracks. Yeah, he needed that apple. It was worth, it was worth a thousand bonus points. Fine. Fine. If you not think I'd have an answer for that, Justin. Of course, of course. Kevin Zach asks. More like Big Snapple. It's been a while. Oh, it's been a while. I'm glad it's back. This website's not good. Kevin Zach, the man's so nice they named him twice. Ask, how do we make apple juice more relevant to adult consumers? Our

company's been pressing apples and making apple juice for generations. All the apple juice we make is pure. Griffin, I'm going to stop you. I'm going to stop you because I think you tripped down, Sudafed. We did do this question last week. Did we? Oh, yeah. It was brought up in the two for part at the end of the episode. But we didn't do it, right? But you said the thing. Was that just a preview of things to come? Yeah, now we're going to do it. We didn't, we didn't talk about it. Did we? No, I don't remember this at all. So wait, hold on. It's been 360 episodes. And this is the first one in which Griffin actually said a Yahoo last week that we are actually going to talk about the next week. That's, that we've always done it.

This wasn't the final. This wasn't the final. I'm losing my mind. I mean, I am too. I'm literally not lucid right now. How do we make these fucking juices more relevant to adult consumers? It's good. It's a good topic. Do you want to not do it? No, I do. I do. I just, I wanted to be the human tweet that we were going to get. Travis McRoy is the human tweet. Here's the thing. Do you know what the people love these days? Can you let me finish the fucking? I thought you finished it. Oh God. No, you interrupted him. You can't even remember. All the apple juice we make is pure, uncut shit, fucking send you to space. All the apple juice we make is pure, not from concentrate, pressed from local apples and

sold shelf stable, not chilled. We sell our apple juice in four different pack sizes, one liter, a best selling format, five pack of seven ounce juice boxes and 128 ounce jug and a 46 ounce bottle. Primary consumer of apple juices traditionally been kids concerned around the sugar content of juice along with the aging population and the households having fewer kids has led to apple juice declines in recent years. Apple juices loaded with health benefits that are irrelevant to adults yet it has never been directly targeted or promoted to them to pure and local nature of our apple juices on trend with the today's adult consumer. Note, solutions with alcohol are not compatible with our brand. So think of something else to say, Justin and

Travis. Yeah, yeah. Actually, if I could, if I could speak on that for a moment, I went through Taco Bell drive-thru on my way home from the airport because there's not a lot of options and I liked eating it also. And to other, I prefer it to other options when many options are presented, often that is the one I prefer to eat with my mouth. And cheat day, buzz off. Anyway, I ate there and they have a new option there that is Mountain Dew spiked. I had a moment that I was so fucking excited about Mountain Dew spiked lemonade that Taco Bell, finally, it's a one-stop shop. You can get everything there at three in the morning now after you've been drinking. You can now get drunker drunker. Yeah. And here's the thing. It's non-alcoholic and it says

you have it says on the sign does not contain alcohol. And I just wanted to say to Taco Bell, this is sort of like a mini much squad diversion, I guess, if you have to specify that a product does not contain alcohol, maybe it's time to go back to the drawing board on what you named the thing. Like, if you were to have like, we've got a new thing, it's apple juice with cocaine. And then at the bottom of the screen, it says does not contain any actual cocaine. It's probably like time for a new name. Yeah, back to the drawing board. Here's my idea for apple juice. Apple juice. Here's the thing. You know what people love these days? They like beverages that claim health benefits while also being delicious. Okay, but you can't just say that you can't just

be like, it's healthy. It's got to be like, makes your brain more powerful and gives you the energy to have sex good and stuff. Like it's got to sound extreme. Like coconut water is a thing, just make apple water, just call it apple water, talk about like, it'll make you live to 140 or whatever. And you can say whatever you want, because by the time people crack down on that, we're on to something else. Just make whatever bogus claims you want. It's like a moving target. Yes. I, this is what Don Draper would do. Just fucking call it like sex juice and tell people when you drink apple juice, your boners are better and you look better and everybody enjoys having sex with you more and you'll go for like sting time and everybody will be impressed

with how good you are at sex because you drank some apple juice. When you're down to pound, get the fruit that's round and now in a bottle, it's sex juice. It's made entirely from apples and other natural ingredients like Panix, which apparently makes your wiener bigger. I've heard. Learn the secret that bees have known for centuries. Apples make you better at fucking. Hey, you ever see a horse turn down an apple? No. You ever see a horse is slong? It's amazing. Apples definitely make you good at sex and make it bigger and better for you and your loved one. You heard it straight from the horse's mouth. Hey, hey, go and get these whole horny berries. And then when people are like, Hey, that thing you said about apples and sex isn't true, you say,

well, the horse did say nay, it's right in there. That's the asterisk. Could you just put some chunks in there? Oh, my God. Like orbits? You remember orbits? People love that. What's that like bubble tea, but instead it's just chunks of apple that you have to sift through. I don't love that sort of stuff now. It's sort of like a virgin sangria is what you're discussing. People love filter feeding. Yeah, they love when they're drinking and then they have to do work. Yeah, and they can push the apple juice out through their bailing, you know what I mean? And then just keep the chunks and you get a little snack. I tell you what would sell it for me. Can I tell you, and this is a fucking, this is foolproof.

On my way to WrestleMania last year, and that's an important part of the story, I went to stop to Bucky's got a big thing a minute, minute time. Minutetime apple juice, I think is what it's called, and a big, big bag of sugar-free gummy bears and blasted through them both. And then they blasted through me with some just chart-topping loose stools. Just some real next level stuff. And so like my idea is to have them do some sort of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind on me so that I can ever, because I think here's the thing. I think the sugar-free gummy bears are the ones that threw the party inside of me, but the apple juice was certainly a guest of honor and it's going to be hard for me to sort of divorce it from its role

in the festivities. So whatever they can do to sort of just get that out of my mind so I can enjoy the taste again. I'll take my question, I'll answer off the air. Yo, real talk? Those fucking little glass balls also that they had on Boy Meets World and I think on like Martin, the little glass balls that they would just pull out of the fridge. I know we've talked about those beautiful globules, but like I would drink anything out of those. Are you kidding me? I'd feel like I'm a fucking Diablo two-barberry and just chugging a potion, getting ready for battle, you know what I mean? With your toilet. I think the thing that apple juice is going to have to overcome is the fact that it is entirely sugar. I mean it's just pure

sugar and adults are a little more savvy about that. Like if you want me to drink something, like if you want me to drink a 12 ounce glass of apple juice, you're probably going to have to do better than a fucking half cup of sugar in the bottle of apple juice that I'm consuming. That's lunacy. You have no adults going to buy that. Maybe stop making it or you could do like Tropicana does with their Tropicana 50 line and literally just fill half the bottle with water. That's what they did and they're like, it's better for you now. It's like, well, I mean, yes. Yeah. Yeah. In a blend, I could enjoy at home. That's why I have long advocated for Gatorade to make a lime that's just called Gatorade Week and it's just watered down because sometimes

Gatorade is just too much and you pour half of it out and you fill it with water and it's like, ah, this is exactly the level of beverage that I desired. It's Gatorade Week. It won't help you in sports. Travis, I love you. I love you. Gatorade G2 is already a thing and that exists and they done did it. They done did it. They got it. Now I do love the idea of Gatorade for what sort of toning their brand down instead of just escalating and escalating and escalating until it's just like Randy Moss eating his way through a car door to get at the Gatorade extreme like that is sitting in the cup holder inside. Here's the commercial. You're looking pretty down. What's that? You've got eight sonnets to finish before class tomorrow. Well, pound one of these. It's

Gatorade Week. It's not going to keep you up too late and it's going to fuel your neurons with a mild amount of electrolytes. This is the commercial actually. Just me sitting on the couch. I grab a Gatorade. I take a sip and my face just kind of goes like, oh, and it's like too much. We totally hear you. Sorry about that. We put too many electrolytes in there. Here's a cup. Dump half of it out. Now try this. We put some water in the Gatorade you already had, but we charged you for it again. Oh, that seems fair. Glug glug glug. Oh, that's perfectly mild. I'm ready to take a nap. Please enjoy our sleepy time camomile Gatorade for poets. For poets and soft types, brain thinkers.

I see you're having a little trouble adjusting your cravat this morning. Well, maybe you need to fuel your brain and cravat tying fingers with Gatorade Week. That bonsai tree is not going to prune itself. It's like the cool side of the pillow in a bottle. I work in a hospital and today I went to a subway down the street for lunch. They didn't capitalize it, but I'm going to assume that it was a restaurant and not a restaurant. I'm one of the night people and I like to enjoy. I think you have to say I went to subway. I think if you say a subway, that is a different thing. That's different. I had my headphones in listening to Mabin Bam while I was eating and while I was walking back to work, I took off my headphones when I walked

to the door and apparently a doctor had been following behind me and asked me what I got from subway. I had no idea who this doctor was and I just responded that I got a meatball Sammy. He told me his favorite is the chicken teriyaki and continued to tell me that the previous week there was a special where you could get lobster at subway. Then he just walked away and didn't say anything else. I don't know what the hell just happened to me. Please help. That's from Confucian Cincinnati. You just had a conversation. You made a deep connection. I mean, he was lying. I guess that would be a confusing part. He was lying, correct? Oh my god. Subway did have a lobster sandwich. Oh my goodness, golly gosh.

That's all that happened to you. I mean, this is more, this feels more to less like a question to me and Mabin Bam 360 kind of about a triumph. I had a conversation with someone. I made benign small talk for a couple minutes and then we parted ways. They didn't like, what usually happens in our questions, like try to sell me a skeleton or grab my butt or whatever. A regular interaction with someone. I think that's glorious, but it's not something you need our help with. You did it. Congratulations. 360, you all finally learned how to fly. Please teach us when you get a second. Now you do a podcast and we'll listen to it.

What's your favorite subway, Sammy, though? I used to fuck with the chicken bacon ranch, but can't 30. I can't have ranch anymore. I had a weird realization the first time I went to a subway that wasn't in Huntington, West Virginia and tried to find my favorite pizza sub on the menu. Not a nationwide experience, I think, the pizza sub. You could probably gen one up. They just make it there for you. You would get that. You came in and ordered it one day and they're like, I guess we'll put some marinara on some shit and cheese it and okay. Here you go, little small boy. We love you very much. Very good job. I guess that's not a national thing. They're very big in West Virginia, though. I don't know. They're every West Virginia subway.

I don't have a favorite. I just walk in and say, surprise me. They're all good. I've never been disappointed. I used to. This is true. Back when I was a young man who didn't know better, used to get the tuna sub. The tuna sub at Subway. That's the one that they make with the tuna salad in Subway, right? Yeah. That's the one that they make begrudgingly. Are you sure? Yeah. It's sort of a hesitant scoop that you get on that one. You'll get a half scoop of it. I'm just trying to limit the risk here. When they go to hand it to you, they'll jerk it back click and you're like, are we on a prank show? Please don't do this to us.

They set you order it and they say, ah, trying not to get somebody to not sit next to you on the bus today, huh? Very clever. There are safer ways to do this, sir. Let's give the money some. My brother, my brother, me, that's right. This podcast is supported in part by Casper, an online retailer of premium, premium, obsessively engineered mattresses for a fraction of the price. The price of what? I don't know. It's not in the copy point, but think of something else and it's less than that. Think of a big price. No, you're wrong. You might have thought like $60 and that is too low. That's actually, come on. It is a mattress. Be fucking serious. And don't do like 801 because the person next to you said 800. That's cheap.

That's the worst. Casper, the box you get from Casper should not contain a mattress, but it does. And that's the first sin of Casper. And it's really, there's several sins, they should not be this cheap. That's gluttony, I think, is one of those. And the other sin is they've defied God and made a box too small to hold a mattress that does hold a mattress. When you open it, it just expands out and the sin is everywhere. What I always imagined in cartoons when they had an emergency raft and it was a little envelope and then they pull it and unfolds, that's basically a Casper mattress except it's not funny, it's just comfortable. What does kind of make a funny noise, I guess? It's like a long snow fart.

There's a risk-free trial and return policy. You're not going to want to do this, but you could try sleeping on a Casper for 100 days with free delivery to the US and Canada and painless returns. Now, when they say that, that's a lie because you are going to have to stuff it back in that mattress and you're not a wizard. So you're going to be at that for the rest of your days. That's not true. I'm sure there's another way of getting the mattress back to them. And these mattresses, they're made right here in the good old US of A. Our listeners can get $50 towards any mattress purchase if they go to casper.com slash my brother and use the promo code mybrother, that's all one word, at checkout. And it says here also terms and additions apply.

I would like to tell you about, I beat you to it. I would like to tell you by a service I call Blapren because I'm a man on the go. I don't have time to say blue apron anymore. So I shortened it to a messy sticky New Yorker. Exactly. I got go, go, go. I don't have time to go to the store and figure out how much of what ingredient I want and how to cook it and what ingredients are required for what recipe and what recipes are and where they live. I don't have time for that. But Blapren, formerly blue apron, but now rebranded by me, Travis McRoy, not officially by them, can't say that enough. Blapren sends you the ingredients you need to make delicious meals with instructions on how to make those meals. So even if you don't know how to cook or what to cook,

Blapren's got you covered. And that's for less than $10 per person per meal. They deliver seasonal recipes along with the pre proportioned ingredients. And you get to show off for your friends, your family, or even just yourself. Maybe surprise yourself with a delicious meal because damn it, you're worth it. Yeah. Upcoming meals include alote-style vegetable tostadas with summer squash, poblano peppers and cilantro rice and peach honey glazed chicken with mashed sweet potatoes, collard greens and Thai basil. By the way, if you are a radio or broadcasting professional and you are looking for the two words that have the most plosives per word in it, you could not do much better than poblano peppers. Oh yeah, take that people at home.

It's a listen to my piece. It's a one, two, three, four punch. And you can check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapren.com slash my brother. Do not go to blapren.com. That is nothing yet, but blueapren.com slash my brother. You'll love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home cooked meals with blueapren. It hurts to say so many syllables. So don't wait. That's blueapren.com slash my brother. Blapren, a better way to cook. Blapren does go to blueapren.com. Now it does. Excellent. Did you just get it? Yeah, I just got it. If you go to blapren.com, it goes to blueapren.com slash my brother. So you are good there. Just go to blapren. You're welcome, Blapren.

You're welcome, Blapren. I have a Jumbotron message. This one's for Trella and it's from Logan who says, Happy anniversary to my favorite person. Thank you so much for all the amazing years we have had so far and for introducing me to these wonderful brothers. Here's to a bunch more years to come. And that is supposed to go up now. It's June 20th. Yeah, we did a good one. Congratulations on your love and for all the amazing years. I like to know how many years. Please include that in these messages because then I add it to the leaderboards. We have an ongoing leaderboards. Who has the best love going? I don't know why we... Who's currently winning, Griffin? Man, Micah and James Molesons. I have another message. This one's for Michael G and

it's from Julia who says, That's right. I just dropped a cool Hanna to get these sweet boys to tell you how much your friendship means to me. Happy approximate birthday and thanks for nearly three years of friendship and roommatehood. Love you and great job. Ask for as close to June 24th as possible. We're fucking crushing it. Yeah. This is really good. Now three years, Griffin, where does that put Michael and Julia? You know, I've got a different one for roommates and three years of, you know, not pushing a roommate down the stairs is like really good actually. You're really, really far ahead of the curb. So did I say curb? Boy. Yeah, but I love you. So it's all right. It's real. Also, good news. The traditional third year is a leather. So you could have some fun there.

Oh, all right. If you get to the second one though, cotton. Oh, we kind of missed it a little bit. Yeah. Well, I'm sure they got each other. Vapes. Huge vaprics. Yeah. Hey guys, this is Adam Conover. You may know me from my true TV show, Adam ruins everything. Well, guess what? Now we're doing a podcast version right here on maximum fun. What we do is we take all the interesting, fascinating experts that we talked to for just a couple of minutes on the show, and we sit with them for an entire podcast, really going deep and getting into the fascinating details of their work. Find Adam ruins everything wherever you get your podcasts or at maximumfun.org. How about a Yahoo? Yeah, that would go down real smooth right now. This one is sent by Ryan P.

Thank you, Ryan. It's Yahoo answers user no name. That is their name. I don't know why. Should I invent a contraption that only the very smart sperm cells are able to make it through? Will this make future generations smarter? I am a scientist. I am a scientist. I therefore want to invent some sort of maze that sperm cells have to move through. The problem with this maze is that only the most intelligent sperm cells will be able to make it through this maze. Therefore, since only the most intelligent sperm cells will make it through the maze, the egg will only be fertilized by the most intelligent sperm, and an egg fertilized by an intelligent sperm cell will make a super intelligent baby. Again, just to go back to the first sentence

here, I am a scientist. This is some, I mean, light eugenics. It's a mild eugenics. Here's what. Let me hit you with this. Open up Sunday paper. Laugh at Foxtrot. Done. I'm glad I'm done with this Sunday paper because it will not be usable after this next part. Find the maze, or if your local paper does not have a maze, junior jumble, or maybe even the Sudoku. Blast one out on it. See who wins. Take that one and then do a pregnancy with it. So I'm a scientist, and I'll tell you the issue is that I came on the junior jumble, solved it right there, and the one that I saw sort of scribbling out the answers, scooped him up with a, you know, tool, science tool, and did a pregnancy with it, and Einstein Junior came out. So

my problem with this is that there's a lot of different kinds of intelligence. Yeah. And I didn't fluid, liquid, and what you're solving for is a very particular type of intelligence, and I'm not necessarily sure I'm ready for a world populated by basically just will shorts, just like a sort of huge gaggle of will shorts is just sort of running buck wild across. Where's our like street smart sperm? You know what I mean? Like they can't make a few a maze, but they can tell you how to get like how to get to the store the quickest way, or like, well, let me tell you, this is how it works. This is where you're going to get like the freshest, you know, vegetables at the market, or like you need to make friends with the bus drivers, and that's

like, where's that kind of intelligence? They kind of tell us that they don't teach at sperm school. You know what I mean? Yes. Um, the kind you learn living on the streets of New York. Oh, man. We've talked a lot about New York and no fork. Which one? They're both going to stick, right? I mean, they're both sort of going to stick. Oh, god. Thanks. I just want a sperm that's going to be able to like explain Twin Peaks, the return to me, just like, like, oh, I've never thought of it that way. You're intelligent in a very specific way. So in order to come up with that joke, I just said,

I was trying to think of like a movie I could say there and said, so I googled smart movies, and just like going down, um, the Google search history that just popped up in my bar, smart movies, apple juice diarrhea, Dave Thomas problematic, Dave Hester son, these are all very, very good. I am on the FBI watch list for some something. Uh, here is another question. Um, whenever I'm part of a group photo, inevitably someone says, okay, now let's do a silly one. I never know what to do for these. And usually just didn't up making a face. It looks like I'm in pain. Any help for what could be my thing? That's from San Silly in San Francisco. And if you're looking to measure sibilants in your broadcasting

equipment, that's a pretty good one to go for. Um, I like about this. I like, uh, just like a contextless silly, like no matter where they're silly, we'll always play. You know what I mean? I try to just sort of register my disappointment in the request and the photo itself. And then like, if everybody else is like making a fart face or a funny, you know, like either yelling or doing like a, you know, a fucking Jack, Jack Nicholson, like, you know, uh, but you just, you see my face in the background and I'm like, fuck off with it. Like it's kind of a funny, it's like a silly, you know, I'll tell you a good, I'll tell you a good go to turn around Goku. Well, that also works. But turn around, just turn your back on the camera. That's so silly.

Cause the camera's supposed to be your face. Yeah. And you put your glasses on the back of your head and unbutton the, your butt flaps or your butt's hanging out like a little kid and turn your shirt around to the ties on, on your back and also turn your pants. Wait. No, then, then it does just look like you're facing forward and maybe it won't play. Put eyes and a nose on the back of your head. Oh, wait, it's gotten away. Get out of the blow up sexual doll and have it up right there. You have it ready. Help wait, make them wait. Don't let them take the photo while you're blowing it up. It's not going to play. You need the fully blown up sexual doll that you have with

you. Pull it out of your backpack and do it right there. So good, dude. Are you kidding? If I saw that, fuck. Maybe you take a picture of them taking a picture of you. Oh, you have your own camera. Yeah. Push every, just start pushing everyone around you really hard. Don't hurt them, but just push them all over, push them. Here's one that you don't see a lot. Just give them like a was that was that was a great cause they'll be so excited to see that that's and somebody looks at that photo and they're like, when was this taken? And you'll have to convince them that like, no, it was not during the was app craze of that particular super bowl is iron is afterwards. It's ironic. Why don't you unhinge your jaw and put the head of the person standing in front of

you completely in your mouth, like a big snake or something? I love that. That's really funny when you do that. Vogue. Vogue is good. Vogue is good. Maybe put on a really convincing mask. So it's like suddenly what's that? Oh, Tom Cruise was there. What's he doing there? But he wasn't. So you're thinking that you maybe are getting ready to leave for an event and you'll just sort of put into your back pocket a mask of Tom Cruise that you'll like just sort of carry with you throughout the day for this payoff. You make an excellent point, Justin. What you're going to need to do and I will consider this part an homage to Mr. Cruise himself. You're going to already want to have the Tom Cruise mask on and then put a mask of yourself over it. Oh, remove your mask to reveal

Tom Cruise mask. Then it's good like Mission Impossible jokes. Exactly. What about Ellen and Bradley Whitford or Bradley Cooper? Do you remember at the Oscars when they took that picture and like everybody was really deeply into it? Yeah, for sure. Could you do something like that? That's what that's taking a picture though, Griffin. You're already doing something like that by taking the picture. I was just trying to take a good picture, like good funny pictures. It's a hard needle to thread and they did a good job. Can you wear a child's two-piece bathing suit and then right when the picture is about to be taken, you get a dog to kind of funny cute come up and like pull the bottom of your britches down. I like that. Sort of like the copper tone.

An exposed butt's going to get you there like no matter what. There's really no, if your first ingredient is exposed butt, there's really no recipe. But not mooning, not mooning because that's gross and awful. But like if a dog comes and shows your butt a little bit, then that can be really funny. Here's my worry about exposed butt guys. The first time it's pretty funny. The second, third, fourth, fifth, like okay, but then do you think it comes back around on like the 12th time like he's doing butt again? Yeah. What if you just, I don't know man, smiled? What if you just have a nice smile? What if you, oh this is fucking great. This is great. Just do like a fucking like sexy smile and then everybody else around you is like

drink off, drink off. And you're in the background just like, what's up? But not in like the Budweiser way, but like just like you're saying it in a cool way. Then everybody's going to look at this picture and be like, look at all these jackoffs. Wait a minute. Who's that in the background? Who is this? They look like they just tried to budget apple juice. So they're ready to go to my hometown. And here's the power move. If anyone sees that photo and says to you like, that's weird. Everybody's doing a silly one. Why didn't you do a silly one? You say, here's the weird thing. The photographer didn't say that we were going to do a silly one. Everyone else are just weird. That's so good. They, photographer actually said make it do a sexy one. And that's

why I look so sexy. Everybody else is seeing this picture and it's everybody that is at this party that I, they look really pissed off because I'm saying this really loudly so they can, there are a bunch of fucking clowns when it comes to sexuality. So what I'm saying is that I'm, I'm a mature grown up who is in full control of their own sexuality. Yeah. And that could be yours. That's what I've got on, on doc. Every time you go to a party that these people host, you bring that picture with you, your new person comes apart. Hi, what's up? I'm David. Let me show you this picture before you sort of start making any judgments about people here at the house. That is me in the back. Yeah. I know. It's different than everyone else. I know. We were

asked by the photographer to confront and expose our own sexuality. And this is what these, I mean, forgive me, clowns brought to the table. These are the, they're their own human, beautiful human sexuality. Would you like to get out of here? Would you like to get out of this den of clowns? Do you want to get out of here? Do you want to hook up with, let's see, there's two different groups of people doing Charlie's Angels. So that's their sex. So maybe we should just a go because it's as good as it gets. Like Jack Nicholson. Do you guys think when they do a group shot at an event for clowns and they're like, do a silly one? I bet it fucking pops off, right? I bet it's like so silly. Back when clowns were legal because Barnman Bailey shut down. And by the way, everybody,

just a heads up about that, Barnman Bailey shut down. So be on the lookout for clowns and jugglers just like roaming the streets like wild animals, specifically jugglers you have to look out for. But I would be careful about that. I was driving a grocery store with my kids and I looked to my left and there's a motorcycle on a big steel ball. It's not safe. That's not safe. Get that off the road. Big steel ball could roll over my cart crush like Indiana Jones. Here's the good news. You're going to see jugglers and you're going to be terrified because they have the projectiles right there in their hands. And it's very, very scary. But the truth is, if they were to use one of those projectiles, they then lose all their power and die like exactly. Don't be afraid of them. Yeah,

it's they're a lot more threatening looking than they actually are. But don't get too close because if threatened, they will sacrifice their juggling career to fend you off. So appreciate it at a distance. The danger, the majestic danger of the juggler. Well, folks, that's got to do it for us here on my brother, my brother and me. We hope you've enjoyed yourselves. Happy Father's Day to all the people filling that role or I think any parent parental role. It's a tough gig. And congratulations to all of you. To anybody who's filled the role taking care of anybody, really, I would say like if you've helped all our caregivers, yeah, if you've helped or even just neutral, even if you didn't help, but you didn't stop someone else from taking care of somebody

else. And plants and plants. Gravekeepers, the Crip Keeper, thank you for your dedication and your service. Crip Keeper also a great daddy. Or a Crip Daddy. Much love to the Crip Keeper. I bet he's married to a great mummy. I see. His spooky story is so scary you'll be crying for your mummy. Hey, I'm going to be doing Sawbone Sunday, July 16th at the Philadelphia podcast festival. That shows at 2pm that day. It's all ages. Tickets are like 22 to 24 bucks, I think. But if you go to bit.ly, forward slash Sawbones Philly, it's going to be at the Trichodero Theater and it's going to be really fun and Sydney and I are going to do a fun show.

And I think the Chucks will be there and we're really looking forward to it. So if you can come out, go to bit.ly, forward slash Sawbones Philly and come say hi to me and watch our show and say hi to, I mean, Sydney as well. Say hi to everybody, really. And we hope you'll come out. Also, Flop House is doing a show at that same festival, I think, directly after us at the same theater. So it's going to be a lot of fun. Usually, it takes to their show too and come out and see us. And shortly after that, a few days after that, we will then be doing our Sandy Yogurt Comic-Con show. So go ahead and start sending in your questions now and make sure to put it in the subject line of SDCC Live. And we'll see you there. I want to thank John Roderick and the

Long Winters for the use of our theme song and to departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. It is, it's a really good song. It's a really good album. And please go, please go get it. Please just go get it. Thank you. We also want to say, you know, you can follow us on Twitter at mbmbm and all of us individually or whatever. And then you can go to macroichows.com where are listed all our other projects as well as our Twitter accounts, Facebook groups, PO Box addresses, that kind of stuff, macroichows.com. And thanks to Maximum Fun for having us. Go to maximumfun.org. Check out all the great shows. That's it. That's it.

It's finally on who was sending by Level 9000. Yadru, Dru, Dru Davenport. Thank you, Dru. It's Yadru Answers user. Juan Colt says, what gun can you picture Ash with from Pokemon? My name is Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. He's been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad. School air on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hello, Internet. I'm your husband host, Travis McRoy. And I'm your wife host, Teresa McRoy. And together we present Schmaners. It's extraordinary etiquette. For ordinary occasions. We explain the historical significance of everyday etiquette topics, then answer your

questions relating to modern life. So join us weekly on maximumfun.org or wherever podcasts are found. No RSVP required. Check out Schmaners. Schmaners, Schmaners. Get it?