My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 366: Sorry, Todd

Episode Date: August 7, 2017

In today's episode, we're pretty sure we meet the God-King of Yahoo Answers. Do not look directly into the Todd; his splendor is not intended to be witnessed with human eyes. Suggested talking points: Dog Days of Summer, Smooth, Return to Sender, Goose vs. Dog, Hashtag Hell, Stealth Tacos, Cruel Idioms

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to My Brother, my brother and me in a vice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm your sweet baby brother in 30 under 30 media luminary as told by Forbes Magazine for Business Gryffin McElroy. Well, everybody, the dog days are somewhere here.

Bork, bork, bork. Dogs everywhere. Florence and the Machine said the dog days are here. Of summer, it's a hot one. Like seven inches from the midday sun. That was Florence. Dogtown is here. We are the manners of Dogtown. Yep. What you're listening to right now is something akin to comedy scatting. Just saying different words and phrases to see if a joke emerges from the rubble. This is just loose spaghetti, flung around. Don't interrupt the fucking flow. Meow, these cool cats are here for the dog basis of summer. No, keep going, keep going, keep going. These show pups are cool summer buddies. Let's try some standards. Ghosts are in summer, horses.

Horses are in summer. I love riding my horse that gets so sweaty in the summertime. Spooky Halloween is coming up. Ghosts summer is in there. Can you picture a corner? Okay, that's fine. This is rampant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Halloween is just around the corner. I can't wait for a ghoulish time as I wait for summer to die. Hey, everyone, join my brother, my brother and me as we stand around the wheezing corporeal form of summer and watch as its final breaths. And then when it dies, it'll be a ghost. So there's one. And the dog days are here of summer. Longer, long days, long nights. Just can't wait for this season to finally perish in my arms. Do you guys, are you guys summer people? Do you feel? No, no, fuck you. Fuck you,

Justin. Why do you think I'm so excited for the dog days? I start to get a little bit panicky towards the end of summer. Like, have I, did I get out on the lake enough? Did I make enough of this summertime season before, you know, fall comes and I don't know, did I make enough of this summer? You got me stressing because I got that, I got the boat, you know, and after the last Max Fun Drive got me the boat. And I haven't taken that baby out on the river once this sum sum. And I'm wondering if it's time or it's tough to, you know, it's tough to raise the sale during the dog days because summer might end while I'm out there and I can't be fucking on my boat in the fall. I'll get arrested. Now you guys have got me worried because I also have the boat, as you know, the Travis too.

Yeah. And I'm, I'm worried because I'm just worried that this summer and really this year, I haven't spent enough time on the boat before at the end of the year. I have to kill this form and enter my 2018 body and the 2017 model didn't spend enough time out on Travis too. And the boat's not going to recognize your new body. It's tough. It's so tough. The genetic imprint is completely different. That's what the scientists are working on. And I hear my boat crying in the garage. I hear, I hear my boat, the boat from Jaws is what I named it. It's crying in the garage because I'm just not taking it out and it knows it's the dog days. Yeah. And it's like you always say, you know, the boat in the garage is sad because that's not

where boats are supposed to be. They're supposed to be on the water or a marina. You guys have gotten me worried now because my, I'm looking at my boat through the window and my fully armed battleship, the Orion. And I wonder, have I gotten out on the water and defended this great country in my one man non-government armada slash militia to your independent operator? I mean, the kaiju are coming, Justin. And you haven't done enough. Right. I haven't even transformed into Orion's bipedal form all summer. So have I done enough this summer to defend our coast against incoming kaiju? Justin's looking at his extra national sort of outer heaven situation and wondering if he's not

gotten out on the Ohio river enough to fight off the attackers. Right. I look at the geodesic hover dome and I think have I used my hyper powerful telescopes to monitor the shores in case of kaiju enough. And I don't, I don't know that I have. I did some grilling, of course. Yeah. On the boat. Yes. I, well, it has a built in radio radiation powered grill. And that is very fast. That's a problem is that the radioactive fishing core of my metal gear gets so hot and during the dog and during the dog days, who wants to be in there? Who wants to be in there? Who wants to even convert their battleship into a battle zeppelin, get what closer to the sun? No, thank you. Now I'm five inches from the midday sun and it's so, it's even hotter here.

No, might as well be walking on the sun. Another great one. Oh, now I got to say, that's the one good thing about these dog days is the soundtrack is so good because you got smooth and you got walking on the sun and that's it. Break off the dial. You don't need it anymore. Also, I think there's some Cheryl Crow in there. Just because you got to round it out with some Cheryl. We're on a first name basis. If you have been struggling in the same ways that we were describing, do not fear because this is, despite all external signs, an advice podcast. So we're going to take your questions and turn them alchemy like into wisdom. Oh, I thought you're going to say, despite all evidence to the contrary, this is a comedy podcast. Now, Travis, don't nag me.

Hey, real quick, we got it. I hate to break the flow, but this is a Yahoo! presented by Morgan Davy from Yahoo! Answers user ragdoll who says, obscene reference in the first line of Smooth by Carlos Santana. Man, it's a hot one like seven inches from the midday sun. Is this a tongue-in-cheek reference to a seven inch erection? Actually, it says election. What do you think? Okay, I want to let's really analyze that for a moment. If that was the case, someone would have looked at both Carlos and, oh no, it's escaping me. Don't say it, Rob. Carlos and Rob and said, what do you mean by that? You know how you put your penis close to the sun. Well, no, the song is about an attractive person who

Rob or Carlos speaking through Rob as a vessel, as we all do from time to time, is about a season attractive woman and sings a song about how she's so smooth. And so maybe she's like the midday sun and just seeing this person has made Rob Thomas spring a boner. I think it probably more likely, it is definitely about an erection, but I think it was more likely Rob Thomas is like, or Carlos says to Rob, hey, Rob, my man, we're just going to freestyle this first intro. And I just think we kind of do an Icarus thing. Do you know the story of Icarus exactly verbatim? And Rob Thomas is like, yeah, I know, I remember that one. It's about the guy who got his penis too close to the sun.

He said, wait, hold on. Well, music is already rolling. No, we're already playing it. Just keep playing it, Carlos. I know this song. I know the story. Now, son, this is going to sound pretty wild, but I've built these wings out of wax and feathers because I think I can fucking fly. And I can finally achieve my life's goal to fuck the sun. Now, dad, well, pops, pops, there's some issues there, I think. Yeah. Well, what most people don't know is the song is actually about how Rob Thomas did fuck the sun and now take away all defining features of his penis and made his penis completely smooth, just like a featureless cylinder. Give me a featureless cylinder. Let's forget about it. Please forget about this.

Oh, man, perfectly smooth penis. The Rob Thomas does seem like the kind of guy who's like, I've had monumental recording success. I've got many platinum records. I created Veronica Mars. I created Veronica Mars. There's nothing left for me to achieve, except I do think I'm going to fuck the sun just one time. I mean, everybody smashed off is like, don't do it. I've been there. It seems like a good idea, Rob, but trust me, you'll end up with a featureless penis like me. I think every, I think every, I think every man when he reaches a certain level of success is like nothing left to do, but fuck the sun. Why do you think Elon Musk is trying to get those spaceships going up so high?

That's why Bezos was working out so hard. Bezos just wants to get up there and be like, I'm going to wrestle the sun. Sorry. Stop the podcast. Did you say Bezos? Yeah, that's what I like to call him. I remember when Jeff Bezos was an alien that taught me about manners. Jeff Bezos was an alien that taught me about manners. Jesus, what a deep cut. How about we do this first question? Yeah. Thank you. Yes. Thank you. A couple of weeks ago, a somewhat large package, nice, was delivered to my house. Oh, I get it. I get it now. I should have gone farther. The address was correct, but the name was not. I wrote return to sender on it and left it out on my porch for the mailman to take back. I've also tried looking up the

recipient on Facebook to try to contact them, but I've had no luck. It's been days now and the mailman refused to take it back. How much longer do I need to wait until I can open the package? Because the not knowing what's inside is killing me. That's from unintentional male thief. Okay, two things. One, that's a federal crime. So the answer is never, I guess. Can you open it? Because it's a federal crime. So you shouldn't do that. And I just want to get out front of it. That's a dumb crime. That's a dumb law. Okay. It seems like if I get my hands on your mail by hooker, I should be able to open it possession being not done to the law. Well, if it goes to your house and suggests to your house and has been there for a while and you can't get in touch with the other

person, I think it's your belonging at a certain point. You are killing me because Justin started with bullet points and he said one and you didn't let him say two and now I feel incomplete and I have to know what Justin's key was going to be. Justin, what's number two? Hit me. The two is, I always thought they would take it back. I'm kind of flipping out. Yeah, I'm a little wild. I kind of always had that in my back pocket knowing that if I did get a package that was not for me, I could just write return to sender on it and it would go away. But I guess not. I didn't realize that mail was a yours now scenario. Yeah. Like, well, you have to deliver. That's the way you create new male people is like, well, you have to go deliver it and then you can never stop.

It seems like maybe you could take it to the mail place. That seems like a huge chore on the day of just like airlifted onto you. That seems very unfair that you should do that. And if at the mail place, also some people call it a post office. If they're like, we can't do anything with that, you can just leave. I call it bubblegum's mail company. I don't know what you guys... You go to bubblegum's mail company and you take the big box up there and they're like, oh, we can't do anything with that. You just literally just very slowly back away. And then it is somebody else's box. Here's the problem. Here's why you can't open it because I have seen like intrigue mystery movies before and you're going to open this and that's how you

find out like that you have a clone or that you are now wrapped up in the middle of like a political scandal or that you have, you know, 24 hours to solve your own murder, something like that. That's what happens in these movies or you're going to open it up and it's just going to be like spoiled steak of the month club. So like one way or another, don't open it. Can I tell you all a story that is 100% absolutely true that I've never talked about on this podcast? Yes. This happened to me while we were living at this house and we got a big box delivered, like a huge truck came and dropped it off on a pallet. And so it's just like taking up our entire like entryway outside and I signed signed for it because I was like, whoa, what did Nintendo

send me this time? It's a bunch of Yoshi's in here. But then I looked at the name on it and it wasn't my name, nor was it a person's name. It was just the name of some like business I had never heard of. So to try to get to the bottom of it, I googled the name of the business and it turned out what this package was supposed to be going to. Again, the address was my address. So I guess that somebody who used to live in my house now works at this place. The business was for a local like Ninja Warrior training gymnasium. Whoa. Yes. And so it's sort of like a gym factory, but like they saw the shit and we're like, we got to get some salmon ladders up in here. And so this was a difficult day for me for so many reasons because like I'm a, I'm, you know,

I was an Eagle Scout. That's not true. No. And so like I made sure I needed to get this back in the proper hands, but at the same time, if there is a salmon ladder in there that I could use to sort of hone my body, hone my craft to take on that big course and impress all my fellow Ninja Warrior friends. Ooh, I want to just know then are you can, what sort of Ninja Warrior training is there a fucking 14 and a half foot curved wall in there? What's it? Tell me what it is. So I just called the business and somebody came and got it and they gave me free lessons for my whole life. And that's right. You're going to see me on NBC this fall, climbing out Midoriama, just like, this is because I was honest. I'm going to hit that buzzer and the hosts are going to

be like, good job, Griffin. You're so honest. And I'll be like, I know I wanted to steal it so bad, but I didn't. American Ninja Warrior, if we could take a brief pivot, I think we've helped this male person enough to talk about American Ninja Warrior. I haven't explicitly watched every episode of this season. I am following it and I don't know why, but it's just on and I'm just like, here we go. Time to see what Kevin Bulls up to. You're kind of undercutting my point, but I'm going to go ahead and make it anyway. I have never intentionally watched American Ninja Warrior. The only context is when I have a group of people of desperate interests and sometimes you just want something on TV, why people are chatting just in the background to sort of like

chill on. And it seems like I end up on American Ninja Warrior a lot. It seems like that's the only context in which I watch American Ninja Warrior. There's like a bunch of people together. It's like, hey, this is on. This is very widely accessible. It's a category of TV that I also put, I think mythbusters is one we've talked about before. I also put Fixer Upper on there. Okay. Okay. I mean, most HGTV shows is just like, yeah, let's just tune in. If I could follow up on that, Justin, I also love the phenomenon that happens where you just put that on in the background while like 10 people talk about whatever. And over time, you can track as people's interest does eventually go to American Ninja Warrior

and suddenly it's a party about watching American Ninja Warrior. That wasn't your intention, of course. No. But now you're having an American Ninja Warrior watch party. But my wife recently revealed to me after some such incident. Can I admit something to you? I said, of course, dear, of course, I hate American Ninja Warrior. Oh, no. Wait, what? And then like my world of TV shows that I could like background TV got like smaller. Now that's out of, because I know my wife is in pain watching American Ninja Warrior. And you know what? When I pressed her for details, because it doesn't make any sense, she said to me, it's dumb. And like, I mean, it's just so cruel. It's like, I've got, I mean, she just said it's dumb. She said it's a

dumb thing. I think it's a great show about the triumph of the human spirit. And we hit a point where like we were watching it because it was just like on TV and we had cable and needed to justify the expense of cable. And so we watched it. And then we just had a day where we were watching it and we realized that we weren't just watching it because it was on cable. We had actually looked it up on demand on Hulu. We had sought out American Ninja Warrior and invited it cordially into our home. And we were like, whoa, who are we? What are we doing? What are we doing? How about a Yahoo? Yeah, please. This is a, this is a series. This is a short story. A few people sent in parts of the story, but Stella Heyman was the only one who sent in all the parts of it. Thank you, Stella.

It's a three-parter. And all of them were asked by Yahoo! Answers user, Estelle. And try to follow the plot, if you will. First one. Yesterday, a dog along the canal tried attacking a swan on land, and the swan attacked it and the dog backed off. Why did it back off? Number two, do you think a small dog could kill an adult swan? Number three, could a Chihuahua kill an adult swan? Each one, all the same user in order. These three questions fleshing out the story with more and more details. What is the gap? What is the time gap? Not long. I mean, yeah, who of course doesn't provide information quite that granular. Just enough time to build like an evidence dungeon linking Chihuahuas and swans and any news reports about dogs attacking swans,

but no small dogs and specifically no Chihuahuas. It seems like you probably, this person probably was being threatened or harassed by a swan. They looked around at their resources and the only sort of defense they had was the Chihuahua they owned. And it seemed like maybe this was at crises of confidence during the training phase, where it's like, you know what, I'm spending so much time teaching him how to do backflips and bite on command. Is this worth it? Is this a good application of my minutes? You know, I bet if that scene played out where the Chihuahua started to kind of like mess with the swan and then the swan scared the Chihuahua away, I bet if a wolf was watching that, he would just be like, fuck, really? This is where we've come now. How dare you? Because

here's the thing, a swan should not be able to win in a fight over a canine on land. Swan is air superiority, but on land, come on, right? Well, I say that, but a swan won in a fight against me at Kings Island one time. Well, Gervie, you don't have land, air, or water superiority. I should also point out, I didn't know we were fighting. I approached, I approached, I was a young child and I saw a beautiful swan or maybe a goose, but they're really the same, and walked over to it. And I guess I was like, I saw that long and elegant and frankly sexy neck. And I was like, I'd love to just pet that. And then suddenly it became a very, it wasn't a fight until it was. And then all of a sudden it wasn't one again, because I did just sort of run as fast as I

possibly could away from the offending bird. Okay. I actually think in that circumstance, and I'm going to broaden the definition of winning here, to say if you escaped a creature that can fly, you won. You won that. Oh, okay. I didn't feel like it because it bit my fingers very, very hard and it ruined my whole day. And I went on the Tomb Raider ride and I was still just very shaken. After a swan bites you, it dies. So it'll die shortly after. Well, yeah, it did fill me with its one charge of venom from its sacks. And Griffin, did you have to go with Avlac? Oh, that's fun. And I know that's a duck. Don't at me. How angry as a bee do you have to be to be like, actually, you know what? I thought about it. Carmine, Vicky, fuck this guy. I'm going

to, no, don't do it. Reg, no, no, no, no. Actually, no. Fuck this guy. I'm going to do it. I mean, near his Pepsi, he's being a real fuckhead. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. Actually, you know what? Fuck this guy. I'm going to do it. This has been so cool hanging out with you guys. I'm going to do it. Fuck him. I know bees are going to realize that they die and we, well, some of them. That's what happened. One person who was allergic to bees got stung by a bee and the other bees watched that person die and they're like, well, this is a one and one transit. Yeah, we lose one of ours, but they lose one of theirs too. Right. They saw the propaganda film My Girl and they're like, whoa, we're fucking dope. Here's what I'll say about geese and swan and ducks and

the whole, if they got bills, then they're in it for kills. Here's what I got to say about this entire genus of birds. I think they're always going to win and it's because they're always, it, for them, it's always a fight. A Chihuahua approaches a goose or swan or duck and they, or Gosling, and they think, I'm curious about this thing. Let's get close to inspect it and then they get honked and then they, they've lost the fight. You know what I mean? Like, sure. The swan and goose and duck and Goslings, they're all just constantly ready to attack. And so they, they will get that, they will get that first strike. And that first strike is always, it catches you. That was me at King's Island. What? No, certainly not. And then the fight was done

because the psychological damage was so, so, so tremendous. If you were walking through a park that had like a pond or some kind of water feature, right? And you saw just a flock of geese or swan or whatever, just like hanging out on the shore near the water and they're sitting amongst them completely peacefully, all sitting in harmony. It's just a Chihuahua. Just hanging out. How fucking freaked out would you be? I would be very confused by that moment of like, how did that Chihuahua get in good with those geese? Why are they chill? What does that, what's he know that I don't? How about another question? Sure. This one is, has a beginning like this. I have a friend who uses entirely too many hashtags on social media.

Oof. At a minimum, she uses about 15, but I've counted upwards of 30 on many occasions. I understand their purpose as a marketing tool, but this is a personal account. And the hashtags she uses are not keywords people were searching. Previous hashtags include hashtag ideas, hashtag Saturday, hashtag door, and hashtag woo. How do I tell my friend enough is enough? That person probably probably supposed to be my and not like a leprechaun thing. Or do I need to just accept that my lot in life is to be bombarded with 27 hashtags every time she posts on Instagram? Please advise. And that's from a hostage in hashtag hell. I don't think you can say these are not hashtags people are searching, because this is that beautiful

thing about these wonderful little inventions is that they're always forming these just powerful, just rainbow connections of somebody who's like, look at this new hashtag door I've got. And then they say, I wonder who else has doors on hashtag Saturday. And then they see, oh man, there's someone in hashtag hell or wherever they live, who's also installing a new door this Saturday, hashtag woo. Oh, that's there too. That's so exciting. And now it's all about SEO. And I don't know what that stands for, but I do know it's all about that. I don't stand for anything, Travis is CEO. And it's sort of just sort of a concept. It's some industry jargon for sure. Hashtag. Thank you for explaining that Griffin. All one word. Jesus, this bit actually grosses me

out in a major way. I feel like fucking Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake right now. They're hugely popular. If I could have just a tenth of their success, I'd be extremely thrilled. Let me just say this, folks, it's 2017. And if I could give you some advice about social media, one, quit it. Everybody just get off. Everybody quit it. Secondly, though, I will say this, I think that the thing about social media that everyone should keep in mind all the time is that it should be 100% a completely opt-in experience, no penalties, no questions. It's just, if you want this, it's here. If you don't want it, I do not care. And you should start, if this person's social media brand bothers you, fucking bail on it, bounce. Don't ask me about it,

fucking bounce. And if they notice the count's going down, maybe they could do a little market research to see where things went wrong. And, but it's not up to you to be like, let me curtail you. No, just bounce. You don't know anybody anything. And if, and she's like, why did you bounce? I'm like, that's not your problem. You can't ask that either. You quit without asking and nobody can ask why anybody bounced or anything. I probably mute more people on Twitter than I follow because I say, I care about you. I'm following you. I'm here for you. I, but I can't mute more people than I follow. But you know what I'm saying? Like, I mute a lot of people I follow. I follow and be like, I like you as a person. And then I mute them and say, I don't like your brand. I don't like you.

You're great. Your thoughts are shitty. And I would say like, literally 25% of the people that I follow, I instantly mute. I get a quick taste of their, of their thing. And I'm like, I want to be seen following you, but I don't want to see your brand. I don't want to experience. I don't want to experience your brand, but I want to say, I just fucking love it and concept. And this is just sort of a vote for you as a person, but your brand is whack and I'm actually out. And here's the thing. You'll never know I'm out. So everybody wins. You keep on being whack and I will keep on getting the sort of like the drift effect of following you, but not actually experimenting. So I want to say, Justin, I would actually love that from the reverse side, if my

like follow count kept going up, but like the same number of people commented and responded to my shit, that would be the ideal, right? Look how many followers I have, but I can tweet like, just has a good ice cream without having people just like flood my inbox with shit. You know, there's a lot of people that follow me that I hope follow this same procedure. Yeah. I tweeted this week about Titus, you know, from Kimmy Schmidt. I tweeted about how he would be a good person to play taco in a movie or TV show. That's not like happening, but I thought it would be funny if Titus Burgess was was taco in the movie or TV show. And then he tweeted back. He's like, I don't know what taco is, but I'm going to look into it. And then he followed me. And my first

thought was, man, I hope he fucking mutes me because I don't, I'm not, I don't have a feed curtail like that is curated in such a way that like Hodgman and Elizabeth Gilbert both follow me on Twitter. Fuck, I hope I'm muted. Yeah, I don't, I don't need them to be like, hear my fucking near automata. Yeah, that's right. I don't, I don't need, I don't need President Barack Hussein Obama, a lot of people who say, I don't need him seeing me shove of Nintendo toys in my gob. Like I don't need. I tweeted about my, uh, I've been rewatching Smallville. I'm very much enjoying my Baross and Bombs performance is Lex. And I tweeted about how much I've been enjoying my whole Rose bombs performance is Lex. And he followed me and I thought, Oh no, now he's going

to see every time I tweet about enjoying his performance is Lex, which has been a lot lately, like 10 or 12 times a day. He does a great job. But now he's going to know how much I enjoy his performance is Lex. That's really weird. Travis, I didn't see those tweet. Oh, oh, never, never mind. Oh, no, I see Griffin. I'd love to get a, hold on. Did you mute me? Oh, I'd love to get a fun campaign going, a little social media campaign going where, um, if Justin McRoy follows you, just tweet at him and just be like, Hey, just checking in, please confirm receipt of message over. Please do that. If Justin McRoy follows you, just give him, hit him up with a like, Hey, just, uh, just want to make sure over every once in a while, I'll like,

search my name for some reason and maybe do it on like a different account or a platform where I haven't muted people. And I'll, I'll see a tweet to me from somebody. I'm like, I thought they died. Like, no, they didn't die. Justin, you muted them three years ago. So they, you killed them individually, but still are in board with them as a human being. You just can't get on board with their social brand boy. This whole bit has been pretty insufferable. Should we go to the money zone? Some good stuff in there. Yeah. I think we just said brand a lot. Yeah. We said brand far too much. So let's talk about brands. Hey, I want to tell everybody about Casper because we're supported in part by Casper for this episode. They're an online retailer, premium obsessively

engineered mattresses. You can get for a fraction of the price. I think we all have Casper's at this point. ours is in the, the nursery guest room area. We used to sleep on it all the time. I'll be frank, kind of the baby sleeps in there now. And we, I mean, I wouldn't even, I get up to pee a lot at night and I'm not going to run the risk of waking up my, my child after fighting tooth and nail for his slumbers. But it's a good mattress. It's very, very, very comfortable. And they have a risk free trial and return policy. You can try sleeping on a Casper for a hundred days with free delivery to the US and Canada. And they got painless returns if you don't like it. All the mattresses are made in America, feature supportive memory foam for a sleep surface that's got just

the right sink, just the right bounce. And my bin man listeners can get $50 towards any mattress purchase. If you go to casper.com slash my brother and use the promo code my brother, all one word at checkout terms and conditions apply. I want to tell you about blue apron. Oh, I love that play. It's, it's a meal subscription service that we are all big fans of. I use it all the time. It has fed me and my family many a time. Here's the best thing about it. You don't have to know how to cook to use it. I'd be amazed if anybody listening to this or really any podcast hasn't already heard about blue apron, but just in case you haven't, they send to your house a box filled with everything you need. Mine is like salt and pepper and olive oil, but like everything else you

need to make the dish instructions easy to follow broken down step by step. Here's what you do. And if you do these things, you will have a great meal. It's affordable for less than $10 per person per meal. You get a seasonal recipe, the pre proportion ingredient, all that stuff. Outcoming meals include sauteed shrimp and green beans with globe tomatoes, spinach and orzo pasta, miso butter, salmon and lo mein noodles with cucumber and charmed tomatoes, whole grain pasta and summer vegetables with heirloom tomato, caprese salad. These are amazing. That's it. They don't just send you regular as tomatoes. They got globe tomatoes, charred tomatoes and heirloom tomatoes. These sounds like World of Warcraft loot. These tomatoes. I fucking love it.

Hashtag tomatoes. Hashtag delicious. Hashtag meals. Hashtag cook. Hashtag blue. Hashtag the. Hashtag pay proportions. So you can check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash my brother. That's a great deal. That's three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash my brother. Or the blue apron here to remember. Blapron.com. Blapron.com. Oh my God, Justin. Hashtag Blapron. Blapron.com is an old one. It's been a while. Yeah. Okay. Again, you can use Blapron.com. Blapron. A better way to cook. Griffin. Yeah. Tell me about moon two. Yeah. I'm going to tell you all about moon two. Moon two is an electronic art pop band. And they got a new album out that you can give a listen to

at moon two.bandcamp.com. Now that is moon spelled the way like the celestial body dash ii. So moon dash ii.bandcamp.com. Moon two is an electronic art pop band who recently released their debut album, Lily Nobody. It's got burning scents and swirling backgrounds and songs about love, copycats and dysphoria too. It's a beautiful, this is a quote, and sometimes folks do this in this industry. If you're looking for a pull quote for a thing, something you're going to put out on, you know, the album cover, sometimes you send it to the people that you want to say it and you're just like, how's this, how's this spin you? And it spins me just right. I'll go ahead and put my brand on this one. It's a beautiful haunted doll of an album. That's a Macaroy. That's moon dash

ii.bandcamp.com. Go check it out. Is bandcamp the one that shut it? No, SoundCloud is the one that's going to shut down soon. Fuck, that makes me so sad. I don't want to think about that. I'm going to go listen to the Good Jams at moon dash ii.bandcamp.com. I want to read this next message so very badly. All right, go. This message is for Sam and maybe Brian, and it's from Brian. And the message says, Sam, hopefully we're still dating by the time the brothers read this message. I love you, probably even more now than when I first wrote this. If we're married by then, congratulations from past Brian. Note to Brian, if Sam dumped you, hang in there, brother. I love you. So just sort of covering all of the bases.

How long ago did you write this, Brian? Another note to Brian, if you were killed in a terrible passion and are now a specter, I'm coming for all of you. Boo. One additional note to Brian, if you got drafted into a secret government agency, you can continue to see your loved ones, but it will have to be from afar because their memories of you have been erased. They have been, men in black, just sort of flashed out of there. Yeah. Are you sad and confused about world politics? Worried about the upcoming inevitable nuclear war? Or maybe a rat is living in your house. There's a rat living in my house. How do you get rid of a rat from our house? Why not immerse yourself in a completely fictional imagined

podcast for the beef and dairy industries? It works for me. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. Don't worry, it's funnier than it sounds. Find us at beefanddairynetwork.com or maxmoonfun.org, or wherever you get your podcast from. Oh, God, there's the rat. Oh, God. How about a Yahoo? Yes. God, I got some fucking good ones. I have three very good ones. Yeah, how about this one? This Yahoo was sent in by Seth Carlson. Thank you, Seth Carlson, for your good, good work. It's from Yahoo. It's your user. Dirk, who has zero percent best answers. Try harder, Dirk. Dirk asks, how many of my own mozzarella sticks do you think I can bring into

Applebee's before they get suspicious? I really, really like riblets and mozzarella sticks, but they are way too expensive. I was figuring I can warm them up beforehand and just sneak them in in my shirt pocket and maybe back pocket. Only one. Got to have my wallet, you know? But I think they might, hey, shh, but I think they might notice if I start eating them. Can I be arrested? This is, I, listen, I want to, I know what you want me to do with us, play with you. Play with me in my playhouse. This question is not from a human being. Play with me in the space. Yeah. Look at all my toys, my wonderful toys and games. Let me tell you why this isn't real. If you think about all the pocket opportunities, the opportunities that you have throughout

your clothing, shirt pocket and back pants pocket are the least mozzarella stick friendly. I've got so many toys and games in my space. Play with me. Carry a satchel. Think how many mott sticks you can get in a satchel, then order your own plate of mott sticks. It is going to take some investment upfront for this grift. As any good grift does, you're going to have to spend a little to make a lot. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yahoo Answers user Jim says, Dirk the troll, add it again. Get out of my, we're getting out of my dirt. You've been uninvited for my game space. I take your toys and games and leave. I don't want to play with you anymore. I'm closing the message. Seth Carlson, keep your head on a swivel, okay? Because there's grifters everywhere.

You just lost your nickname, Seth. I was going to call you Seth Carldab and you lost it. Here's a Yahoo from Travis Washerbaugh. Great name. Thank you, Travis. It's from Yahoo Answers user Jess, who has 5% best answers. How do you eat tacos in class without getting yelled at? Okay. Play with me? Are you guys going to play with me in this class? This one might be real. Yeah. I do think that this is among the worst foods you could eat in class, because one, stinky, if you're doing it right and you know what I mean. Secondly. I don't know what you stinky. Just like the zesty, the zesty. A lot of scents. I will say if it's a zesty, zesty ground beef is like, that is potent. It definitely is an overwhelming flavor. If you have some powerful

cilantro in there, sometimes that and some people don't. Stinky is not the word I would use though. Once again, Griffin, Justin started some bullet points. You have to let him get to the second bullet point or my brain's going to melt. Give it. My brain's going to melt. What was I talking about? You said the reasons tacos were wrong eating in class. One, stinky. Two, stinky. Two, messy. So obvious. You're going to get some grease dribble. No question. But moreover, no one's like your trapper keeper is for, by the way. No one's ever finished a taco and been like, well, it's on my stomach ever. It's almost always 25% just like on the paper. And you could make it into a cone and then put the end of the cone in your mouth and taco cone the way. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I just came up with a great idea. Yeah, we'll come. We'll come back to that. Yeah, super quick taco cone. Start wrapping hard shell tacos in square flour tortillas. So when the taco leavings fall there, you don't have a mess. You have another one. Yeah, that's good shit. Yeah, that's really good. So yeah, I'm sorry. I want to make a hard shell taco, by the way, because soft taco will be real. No, I'm going to, I'm going to roll that out. Yeah, it's got to be, it's got to be, by the way, I get made fun of a lot because I live in Texas and I say the word shell when referring to a tortilla. And it's, I think it might be a soda or pop thing or maybe just like a macaroy. I don't know if this is a wider thing that people say like a wider sort of

use case, but nobody calls them shells except for me sometimes. And I've tried to work it out of my system, but hashtag shell truth. Jesus, God, I want to, I want to, I want to play with everybody in this space, but I got to read this response from Todd. Todd Jesus, Todd has 33,319 answers on this platform. Yeah, he knows everything. Well, Todd, okay, you're trying to make me believe in Todd, but if Todd's real, how does he get to all those answers in one night? You know what I mean? I'm sorry, I got to map this out. He's been a member since November 6, 2009. Okay. So in here in a couple months, that will have been eight years. So that's 96 months to 2920 and then 33,319. I listened to that podcast you told me to

don't do this to me right now. For about 30 seconds, they just did mash. That's 11.4 answers every day, Todd. Todd. Todd, damn. Are you a professional Yahoo's answerer? Answerer? Hey, Todd, damn. I don't learn 11 things a day. Like, I don't even, I can't keep up that rate of learning. I don't know how he's spouting this stuff off. Okay, Todd though. Todd, my Todd says. We can only get six in episode. Yeah, I know. Wow. Todd says, make sure you do it in home ec. In normal class, you simply can't. Tacos have a strong aroma usually. God, that's actually pretty good. That's actually a pretty good answer, Todd. Damn. Damn, Todd. Todd, the fucking info wizard. Are these all, are they all heaters? Todd bringing this kind of fire every single time he steps up to

the plate 11 times a day. You might fall into a Todd hole. Be careful. No, I'm gonna dive into this Todd hole for the fucking, I'm free diving into the Todd. Where's the egg in an egg roll? There are eggs in the rapper dough. Damn, Todd. Todd. Damn. A baguette brie pâté and a bottle of champagne under the Eiffel Tower or a shepherd's pie pint of Guinness on the banks of the River Thames. Leave the brie and pâté out and it sounds great. So a little humor. Oh, Todd. But also culture, you know, like it's humor, but also culture. Son of a, which handed ice hockey stick should I use if I'm ambidextrous? Pick the arm that has the most forearm strength to hold the back of the stick. What doesn't Todd know about? Food. Hockey. Get Todd a Mr. Wizard style show. Two

treats. What are your favorite TV shows? NCIS, Bob's Burgers, Modern Family, Beat Bobby Flay, Chopped Iron Chef. I watch History Channel and others, but no specific favorite shows. Damn. Todd, he's a man of culture. Todd. Wow. What? Todd. Damn it. Okay. I'm feeling so into Todd right now. I feel like we're just one away from, so what are some of your guys favorite races of people? Oh, no, Todd. No. So eating tacos in class. If there's old timey desks where you lift up the top to stow your belongings underneath. That, my friend, is a taco privacy curtain that you can use to sort of keep yourself away from the prying eyes of teach. Now you got to watch your flanks because you could have jealous students. I'm sorry. I'm not anybody to yuck.

Anybody's yum or put anybody on blast. But if I see one of my fellow pups eating, chowing down on some tacos in class, the jealousy will be so powerful as such that I will shout and scream like I was in fucking Invasion of the Body Snatchers, just like my mouth held open while a ghastly whale comes out of my mouth as I point at him with a crooked finger until the teacher comes and takes the tacos away. Because if I can't have them, can't nobody have them. Can the teach legally confiscate the tacos? I don't know. I like, I know in a public school system for sure. I don't know if once I can do a college level, like I'm an adult. Like, you can't just steal my tacos. You don't own this room I do as a taxpayer. Well, not only that,

but if you confiscate tacos, you only got two options. Like, you're not going to pull your desk drawer open at the end of the year and return his tacos to him. Did you bring the Ziploc bag I instructed you to? Okay, open up. I have your taco slop. You had a good year, Bill. Enjoy these tacos. You've earned them. Mr. Pilsen, after we investigated the taco situation, obviously you're fired. That's not up for debate. Should I clean out my desk? No, you absolutely should not clean out your desk. We burned your desk. Please, never teach again. My taco savings. Now what am I supposed to retire with? This is what you do. You take the taco from the student rake and then you're like, all right, everybody, you know what this means? Taco auction. Let's go.

Highest middle gets to eat this taco. Oh, man. What's with the use of those green, what's with the consistent use of those green desk lamps? Todd says, they're like in every movie and TV show. Does it have to do with camera lighting? So there's a little bit of like, still curious about the world. He knows a lot of stuff, but he's still poking around this world of ours, scraping up answers. Can you know the second somebody responds to that, he's going to find another thread where he could just be like, actually, it's camera lighting. I know all about it. Todd. Todd. Todd. Any other years from Todd? Man, what a treasure. I'm glad he's out there actually putting some wisdom into this world and like ourselves. He should be doing this podcast

instead of us, really. Let's get Todd up on this. Todd, you're listening. Get at us. I was raised in a household in which the air conditioning was a special privilege only to be switched on during very hot days, never at night. Those dark days. And never set below 78 degrees. This saves money and is more eco-friendly. Yeah, I know. Okay. Thanks. Thank you, question asker. I currently live with four roommates who insist on blasting the AC at 72 all day and all night. Hell yeah, I live for that shit. I'm freezing my ass off and also paying an exorbitant share of our electric bill. Had I convinced my roomies to give the refrigeration a rest, that's from Chile and California. I don't know, speaking just for like the the Huntington Macquarie household,

you kind of the wrong fucking place. Yeah, just fucking Justin keeps his like the fucking Snow Fox exhibit at a local zoo. Like his shit is frigid. I've been watching Smallville spoilers. I guess it was Fortress of Solitude and it looks so fucking chilly in there. I look at that and I'm like, yeah, that sounds nice. I want to live in that. You share a fucking hotel room with Justin. You wake up like fucking Jack Torrance at the end of the shining like it's a real situation. Now I will say you're supposed to keep nursery temperatures for a baby like between 68 and 72, which for a non baby who isn't wearing a big fun sleep snuggy, it's a little on the cold side. It's a little bit on the chilly side. I keep it at 68 at night because that's the temperature

I like to sleep at and I sleep in the nude. So what do you want from me? I can't do more. Oh, I have an answer for that. What I want from you is to not know what you said. Yeah, I want you to go back in time and not tell me to the bit where we talk about having a machete in home intruders. It is pre-established Canon, Mabimbam Canon that I sleep in the nude. This isn't a surprise. I've revealed this on the program before. I block it out every time. So it is a surprise each time you say it and I'm going to have to go through like intensive work, just shut that out, close that door in my mind one more time. I got this cool hook that I can get up in my brain that I just kind of like find the data. Just pull out of your nose.

Yeah, it's tough. I mean, here's the thing though. Here's what I like about it is in these fucking dog days, I can wear long ass sweatpants and a hoodie and like all my comfy jam jams, all my winter time buddies, my off court winter buddies. So that's nice. I mean, you should celebrate that. The exorbitant share about the electric bill, I don't know what to tell you because those dog days sure, because my electric bill is barking during these dog days. The answer is easy. The answer is easy and I'll tell you why it's easy because you got an even number between the two numbers, 78, 62, 72, 75. It becomes a problem if the difference was an odd number because then you're going to fight over that degree and degree. Yeah. So you're saying let's agree to meet

me in the middle. But they live with four roommates who all want 72. Yeah, so you're going to get 73 at best. 73 seems like that would be a great, maybe you start at 73 and just be like, how does everybody feel about this? Like boiling a frog. What? Like boiling a frog, you start, eat, how to boil a frog. You start with cold water and then slowly increase the heat. You got to slowly boil your roommates. Why do you want to do that to a frog? Why would you do it to a frog? It's a saying. It's a saying of like, it's a fucking horrible saying. Yeah. You having another cool animal tortures, Trev? No, I'm, it's just like, I'm not, I'm not endorsing it. Just like punching a cow. Why would you punch a, more than one way to skin a cat? Get the fuck out. Oh, god.

Oh my God. I didn't make it up. You don't want to skin cats. But you do. You love it. Travis, you're saying it's your favorite shit. No, there's just different ways to do it. There's 27 ways to skin a cat. Cats are, cats are nature's cuss. Cats, cats are nature's cats. Cats are nature's cats. Why would you want to skin them? Don't touch them. Travis, don't ever touch my cat again. I don't want to see. The hand, two in the bush. Is that better? Why are you throwing birds into a bush at each other, like angry birds? You fucking animal. Kill a bird, two birds with one stone. Why are you throwing rocks at birds, you fucking wild dog? Fly. Let a fly away.

We are very violent towards animals in our sayings. And I'm only now just realizing that. Yeah. Oh no. Seems that way. Why are we skinning cats? Why are we getting cats and boiling frogs and... Hey, save a horse, ride a cowboy. That one's good for animals. That's a nice one. That's my favorite. Let the cat out of the bag. Yeah. Yeah, you should probably. That's my favorite proverb from Proverbs is save a horse, ride a cowboy. Proverbs 10, 10. For every horse you save, you save two of your own. As I've always said, you know, save your neighbor's horse, get two horses in return. There's an elephant in the room. We'll let him out, gosh darn it. Let him out of the room. Elephants don't believe, unless it's an elephant room where the scale is

such that the elephant doesn't feel restricted in any way. And it's an outdoor room because that's what elephants prefer. The sad thing about that is you can let him out of the room, but he's always gonna remember when he was in the room. That's the real shame. He's never gonna let that go. A stitch in time strangles the giraffe. I hate these. I hate these idiots. I think Benjamin Franklin was a big weird pervert, maybe. No, he was. He was a bloodthirsty killer. Okay. That he created bifocals so you could look at twice as many dead animals. Did you know that? Geez, bitch. That's true. That's why he started the post office so he could mail dead animals to himself. He's not here, beard. He got that electricity key and he was like, I can't wait

to touch this up against like a moose or something and see what happens. See if I can make it explode a new way. He tied a key to a kite and the other end of the key to a chinchilla that he had. And it's like, ugh. Weird. What a bad man. Yeah. We never talk about that aspect, but Ben Franklin is the fucking worst. Where's Todd when we needed to hear about that? Yeah, Todd. Todd when we needed to hear about what? Well, Justin, do you see the footprints in the sand and there's only one set? Yeah. That's when Todd carried you. Through what? Well, he picked you up. He carried you over the information about Benjamin Franklin. You needed to know. Oh, like Jesus does with evolution. Let me just go ahead and carry you past this. You don't need to deal with any of this.

Folks, that's going to do it first. In the show. That's the end of the show this week. We hope you've had fun and enjoyed yourself. And we, let's see, we're doing some shows out on the road. If you go to McElroyshows.com forward slash tours, you can see the shows we got lined up. A few things are sold out, but we've still got some show, some seats in Atlanta and Nashville and maybe a few in Brooklyn for this. Has Milwaukee woken the fuck up yet? Nope. Milwaukee still snooze. In Chicago, you're almost sold out. Minneapolis, I think is out. No, Chicago is sold out. So we don't have that one anymore. Jesus Christ. Are you kidding me? Yeah, that Chicago theater is actually very big theater. So I think that's kind of wild. But Minneapolis and Milwaukee, we still got some

tickets for you, especially Milwaukee. Come on, Milwaukee and some friends together to come see this show. 19th, I get it, but a little bit of a plug. I will see a couple of things. One, my wife, Teresa and I are going to be on the JoCo crews this year. The Jonathan Colton crews coming in February 2018. They just announced us. So you can go to JoCoCruise.com and book your cabin and stuff now and come hang out with us on a cruise ship along with a lot of awesome cool people like Pat Rothfuss, Gene Gray, Iron Mike Eagle, John Hodgman, Amy Mann and a whole bunch of others. Also, I'm going to be on the JV Club podcast with Janet Varney this week that comes out on Thursday. Oh, great. I mean, thanks to John Rodgerick and Long Winters for the use of our theme song

instead of partying off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. It's a really, really great song and a really great record. And I don't know, go get it and go get all the other Long Winters albums because they're fucking fantastic. Oh, I have one more little plug. My wife and I do a media rewatch podcast called The Kind Rewind. We just started watching Firefly. So if you would like to hear us talk about Firefly or if you've never watched it before and want to watch along with us, we put out the first, oh, the first Firefly, obviously, where we just watched the pilot and talked about that's a really good pilot. So go check that out. We have other shows also at McRoyShows.com and you can check out all the shows on the Maximum Fun Network at MaximumFun.org

because there's a lot of really great stuff there. How about that final? Bring us home. Here's that final from Jason Roundtree. Thank you, Jason. A couple of other folks sent this into you. Thank you all. So from now on, who answers user? Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, God, no. Is it Todd? It's Dirk. Oh, God. Dirk is the evil Todd. I got to do it because I don't know. You have to read it, but I'm not going to laugh at it. This will be our first time. Nobody laugh at it. Do I have to form the meat into the shape of a steak or does it do that on its own in the pan? Justin Travis. He got me. My name is Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm sorry, Todd. Damn it. I'm Griffin McRoy. Sorry, Todd. This has been my brother and my brother.

Me kiss your desk. We're on the lips. Sorry, Todd. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. I'm Riley Smurl. I'm Sydney McRoy and I'm Taylor Smurl. And together we host a podcast called Still Buffering where we answer questions like, why should I not fall asleep first at a slumber party? How do I be fleet? Is it okay to break up with someone using emojis? And sometimes we talk about birds. No, we don't. Nope. Find out the answers to these important questions and many more on Still Buffering, a sister's guide to teens through the ages. I am a teenager. And I was too. Butts, butts, butts, butts.