My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 370: Dax Don't Care

Episode Date: September 4, 2017

Justin and Travis have returned from their annual pilgrimage to Margaritaville, and they've got plenty of stories from inside that challenging environment. Griffin wasn't invited, but only because he's forbidden from ever stepping foot into one of Jimmy's restaurants again for the rest of his life. He knows what he did. Suggested talking points: A Thorough Margaritaville Review, Accidental Bike Thief, Friendship Contract, Fish Vape, Forgotten Serendipity, Winning a Celebrity Twitter Argument

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother in mean, advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother in 30 under 30 media, luminary Griffin McElroy. I have recently returned from a vacation on which, during which, yes, within which,

I listened to three different Hercule Poirot novels. Now, he is, of course, everyone's favorite Belgian philosopher. I don't want to derail you, Travis, but being deeply into Poirot was sort of my thing. No, no, no, Justin, I don't get it twisted. I'm not about to claim that, but I have been inspired by the Poirot novels and also Sherlock Holmes stories I've listened to. I would like to bring back a word in its original meaning. Oh, wait, wait, let me hold my breath here, just to kind of brace myself for Twitter. I already said, ejaculated. Let's put it right back, and then let's put it right back in.

They use it a lot in the books to say, like, my God, I ejaculated, and I think that I would like to bring that back to, like, if I was telling a story and I said, like, I was walking down the street and I saw my friend, hey, Todd, I ejaculated. Yeah, this is not a critic podcast. We've never been critical of one thing this entire time except juggling to juggling arts, and I don't know that we possess the critical faculties required to sort of dissect the original artist intent. And so if it's like Sherlock Holmes shouted, get back here with my soup, Dr. Watson, he ejaculated, how are we to know that he wasn't coming while he was like trying to get his soup back from that squirrely Dr. Watson. I leaned out the window, I ejaculated,

get back here. Yeah, maybe it was Sherlock Holmes was just nasty, just blasted one out the windows of 221 B Baker Street. Maybe it was to say. I would like you both to try, maybe tell a story and try to use it within the story. Okay. Okay. Do you have one, Griffin? Do you want to start her? Yeah, sure. Watch, it's really hot stuff. And then you heard, I ejaculated, I ejaculated. That was really good. Okay, here's my story. One day, my dumb middle brother tried to make ejaculated a thing. Several days before that, I was at Margaritaville. See, this is what I thought. This is what I wanted the introduction to be. I thought we were going to have a deep margaritaville exploration. I already worked it in. Just ejaculate it right into the podcast.

Right. My brother tried to make the word ejaculated come back. It's a come back. God, we're all dads. I want to talk about Margaritaville. But I do want to say another weird quirk of language in Agatha Christie books is that she will often say a minute or two when I have to assume she means a moment or two because there's a lot of instances of people being like, so in any way, Poro, that's how my dad died. And it said, and Poro pause for a minute or two and then reply. That would be so fucking crazy to think about Poro just like barreling them for two minutes straight. Just like, uh-huh. So he's the character, not the author. She also refers to mustaches as individual mustaches. Yeah, these are my mustaches. They're

very luxuriant. So Justin, how's, how's James? So I rolled up. This is true. The exact same back on Myrtle Beach exact same Margaritaville that brought me so much tournament round the pilgrimage got back there. Good news. It's a little bit more off season. Little bit rainy. Still had to wait 35 stone cold minutes to get into JB's place. Yeah. You would think I'd get on some sort of preferential treatment list, but there was no Joe's Crab Shack for me this time. We went straight there and then just went to the beef jerky store and the wine store that's right across the street. Had a wine slushy. It was delicious. Oh, I was with Justin. I should make that clear. Travis was with me. So we go in. We finally get the thumbs up. Come on in, J-Man. The water's fine.

And here it was more amazing than I, okay. So when you first walk in, here's what I literally saw when I first walked into Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville. A giant, her like tornado cyclonic cloud. And when I say giant, I mean like 20 feet across huge sculpture of a cyclonic cloud with like flip flops and shark fins emanating from it, spinning wildly. I'm scared. I'm scared of this. It's a scary vision. That does not put me in a chill headspace. Ah, but wait, wait for the payoff. As an upended bottle of a giant upended bottle of Margaritaville brand tequila dumped into a 15 foot tall blender while a woman clad all in pink and on stilts, humped the blender as she shouted, I love margaritas. As the song Margaritaville

played in the cyclonic cloud spun and there was a fake weather report about a hurricane party headed from Myrtle Beach that I thought was in portaste. Yeah, really portaste maybe a bit. Pre-programmed. Was this a real woman or a statue of a woman? No, it was a real woman. This is a real woman who's doing some balloon animals for the kids. She took breaks from humping the giant blender to make balloon animals for the kids. The Blender sex acts are for adults only. Now Griffin, I texted you a picture of this happening, so I know that you know I'm not lying about it. You texted me some pictures. I don't think that I, I guess, digested them enough. I guess I didn't really pour over them. There's a lot visually to

put. Heck, you're not joking. There she is. Yeah, it's true. I'll put that on social media or something. Kind of took a break off the social media. Did get a huge drink called a five o'clock somewhere that tasted like turpentine and raspberries in a blender cup that I brought home with me to savor the experience. I bought a, a, it was raining so bad when I, after we left the restaurant that I had to go back into the gift shop and buy a $27 Margaritaville branded umbrella. How that holds up, how that protects you from the elements. It was fine. Travis and I had to huddle underneath one Margaritaville brand umbrella as we made our way back to our car to pick up our families. Not a lot of weird tunes

that weren't necessarily J, you think, um, you would think it would be all Jimmy Buffett music all the time. And then a couple of people at our table remarked that like, hey, they aren't playing Jimmy Buffett music constantly. Why do you think that is? And my assumption is that people work there and they don't want to go insane. I would assume, I would assume at the beginning it was all J music and they just went like clinically chill. Like so almost terminally chill would be my, my fear there. So there was some, some Kenny Chesney in the mix. I think some Labouche, which was an odd, odd choice. Um, anyway, the, uh, all the food was great. Very, uh, you paid a premium price for it. Um, the waiter, waiter was, was chipper and very

business like, not, not very chill. I thought, but that's fine. Cause your speed is of the essence when, uh, I'm waiting for my five o'clock somewhere to be delivered to the table. Um, but it was, uh, it was everything I could have hoped for. JB didn't come out. Well, he's busy in the kitchen cooking up, cooking up all the bad food. He was great. Food is great. And it was, I'm assuming one of his disguises, uh, he was employing cause he likes to watch people really enjoy it. Now, I did find an old man wearing a large hat that I told my daughter, Charlie was Jimmy Buffett, which she then loudly started pointing at him and telling everyone at the table who would listen

that there was Jimmy Buffett, that she had found him. I don't know if he noticed this, uh, fun prank that I played on this elderly gentleman. Um, I would also, I would, I would say that a cast Margaritaville was, was a highlight. We also had another dining experience, uh, at a local eatery known as Pirates Voyage. Um, and, and I realized two things. One, it was an incredible show with stunts, thrills, chills and original music by Dolly, original music by Dolly Parton. Wait, what? Yes. You heard me. She did the OST for this pirate themed restaurant. Correct. It's all Dolly. Um, there was a spooky scary number with a giant animatronic Davey Jones that scared the shit out of my baby. Um, but more, uh, most of it she was down with,

but I realized that there is a small infinitesimal chance that one of the performers at Pirates Voyage might listen to my brother, my brother, me. And if that is true, I want to say, if you're listening to this, it was incredible. Yeah, great job. It was a great, they bring the food out to you, um, pirate style, which I didn't know what that meant. What's that mean, Justin? So here are some of the items that I, they take it back from you by force as soon as they give it. I'm reciting the, the menu from, like the entirety of the menu from memory. Um, uh, it started with a Voyager vegetable soup, which they sell a mix for in the gift shop. If you would like to get some Voyager vegetable soup, that was served with a buccaneer bread. All right. Uh, the, the bowl that they had,

they brought you the bowl for soup, but they, there was no spoon available. And, um, my father-in-law didn't just like left it in front of him because he couldn't, he just didn't know what he was supposed to do. What they expect you to do is drink it at cut, like mug-like, like a pirate, but he refused to dane to their wishes. So he just left his Voyager vegetable soup. As a gentleman who's played, as a gentleman who's played Captain Hook in several permutations of Peter Pan musicals and high teen, I'm very disappointed in, in Tommy's failure to commit to the bit here. They then brought out, um, the, uh, half a roasted cackler, which yes, was chicken. That is chicken. That one's chicken. You're killing me. You're killing

me. Pirate's Voyage. And there was a, um, there was, uh, Captain's BBQ roast, which is just pulled pork. And they brought out the pirate herb-based potato, which I think was just, they just put pirate on it. Yeah. They couldn't go right up. Say the best one, Justin. Say the best one. Oh, they brought out a Cabo buttery, which is what they call corn. Right. Well, it sounds like you guys have fun. Cabo buttery and some apple-o-my, um, some apple-o-my-eye pie. Cabo buttery. And they, they brought it out in like secession. So like first they brought out the, uh, potato,

and that one was just there. And then they brought out the chicken like two minutes after. And I was into the impression that I didn't know if I was supposed to be keeping pace. Like if I should be eating the, like the potato better be gone by the time they get back. Um, the last thing I wanted to say is as we were leaving, there was a sign for another Dolly Parton similar thing. This was like red pirates versus blue pirates. That was actually the Crimson versus Sapphire crews. They, they, they had to battle each other for supremacy. Uh, as we were leaving, we saw a sign for Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede, which is a similar thing, but cowboy themed. And you have to sit on one side of the restaurant

or the other to root for the north of the south. I bet that's an awkward hang right now. Yeah, that's not a good hang. That's never been a good hang. Yeah, Dolly. Um, I hope you all, it sounds like you had a lot of fun on your beach adventure. I had a lot of fun here down in Austin where I, um, my son got pink eye and also I got in an on box style group fight for two gallons of diesel gasoline. So it's, we've been having a lot of fun down here in Austin fight for gasoline, get pink eye. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about it. I missed everything, Griffin. I wasn't able to emotionally support you. No, it's fine. I wasn't, I wasn't able to emotionally support you when you went to these, these, these themed restaurants. I wish I could

have been there for you through that. And of course, though, I should have mentioned it before, we talked about the pirate restaurant we went to. Uh, our thoughts are with everybody who's affected by the hurricane. I don't know if anybody listening was, was, was affected by that. I have to assume at least tangentially some people were absolutely some folks were and, uh, and, and, and best of luck. And we hope you all can, uh, you know, Texas is tough and Griffin has taught me that. Oh, I've been, we've been seeing lots of that from, from certain Texas politicians, like, we're going to get that hurricane. You're not going to get the hurricane. Like, we're going to be cool and stuff. And, and we're going to like help each other rebuild and support

each other, whatever, but you can't fucking kill, you understand that I can't go buy the biggest gun at Walmart and shoot the hurricane. And then to hurricanes, like every, like literally every Texas, like, you can do it. Don't mess with Texas hurricane. You can't, the hurricane's not messing with Texas. It's just doing what hurricanes do. You can't go buy a fucking big, big gun and shoot it into the heart of the hurricane and the hurricane dissipating. Like, have you tried? Have you tried? Did you try? Have you tried? No, I didn't really get up to Austin enough for me to really get at the, you know, the heart of the thing, the, uh, the, the blender at the heart of this, this Jimmy Buffett hurricane, but they should probably have a different fake news feed

to play during the, the Margarita, uh, explosion. Like it would, I'm assuming that that has probably occurred to them that like sometimes parts of America and you know what, other countries, as long as we're talking about it, Jimmy's an international star are being, um, ravaged by hurricanes. So maybe the fake hurricane party is not always so great all the time. Should we get to the meat of the batter? I believe that's an order, Griffin. This is an advice show where we take your questions and turn them alchemy like into wisdom. And, uh, we're going to start right now. I'm ready to go. I ejaculated. Okay. My best friend in the world moved away a little while Start over. You said my breast friend, Justin. We can't, we talked about ejaculation for the first

six minutes of the show. I didn't. We stopped in Winston-Salem on the way back. There was a theme restaurant called Twin Peaks and I was so excited until I found out what the Twin Peaks was referencing and it was not a good scene for me. It was a restaurant. Oh, okay. Just going to dive right into it. Just ejaculate that. Please say this question. I just ejaculated that. My best friend in the world moved away a little while ago a few weeks before he left. He offered me his bike that he said he didn't want anymore and didn't want to spend time and money moving. I gladly took the, that's just lazy, by the way, because you could ride it. I gladly took the bike a few days before his going away party. His wife asked me to bring the bike back so they could pack

it. When I asked my friend what the deal was, I thought he gave me the bike. He said, don't worry about it and don't mention it again and I can keep the bike. The bike wasn't brought up again until recently after they had already moved halfway across the country when his wife texted me asking when I was going to send them the bike. Come on. I told them my friend was sending the bike back but he keeps insisting I don't. His wife seems very annoyed and I have no idea what to do. Please help. That's from potential bike thief. Woof. How do you send a bike? You go roll up fucking ride it to FedEx and you're like, do you have a big box for this and also I need cab fare for the ride home? Like, what the fuck? Mr. Forrest, dump this across the country and lead a revolution

of people who are inspired by my insistence on peddling a bike across the nation. This bike life movement is going to be so disappointed also when you get there and you're like, I'm done because it's not mine. I have a theory as to what's going on here. Okay. Let me know what you guys think. I think that best friend wants a new bike and doesn't want to move the old bike across the country but best friend's wife thinks that old bike is still fine, right? And doesn't see the need for new bike. So best friend tells wife loaned it to question asker. Oh God. And then the plan was once they had moved me like, oh, we didn't get it back from question asker. Ah, beans. You're caught. Guess I got to get a new bike. You're embroiled in something so much bigger than this

bike though because there's some scandal level deception happening in this couple. And what Mr. and Mrs. Agent Smith, what are they not saying to each other? Are they going to get in a big knife fight in the kitchen when their identities are revealed over this bike? You've got a tiny little Liars scenario here. You've got a baby Liars situation on your head. Itty-bitty Liars. If you are in the middle of two people and they're telling you to do different things and one of the people, if you don't do the thing, you'll be a thief, you should probably defer to that one. That's the one that I would. If you have two options and one of the options is you get a sick, cool new Huffy that you can take behind the Kroger and go up the big dumpster ramp,

I think that might be. That's the cool Huffy option and I want that one. Can we make that one work? Can we keep the Huffy stay in the picture? Yeah, but like the thing is, whenever you visit your friends Dylan and Vicki, Dylan's going to be like, hey bud, Vicki's going to be like, you're a thief, you're a bike thief. You're a fucking thief, yeah. You stole this fucking bike. Let's talk logistics. Okay. The cost of shipping a bike is twice the price of buying a bike where you are. This is, ship me a bike. I'm still so, what? Nobody's ever shipped anybody a bike. You can't ship a bike. It's like shipping a car. Nobody, you can't do that. They got to put them on the big truck and drive it away. What if this bike, I think we're all thinking like,

maybe you bought it at the Toys R Us or the Walmart. Maybe this bike is like a sick custom job, racing with all the accessories. A West Coast Customs Huffy. Yeah, it's got streamers and whatever the actual adult good version of a baseball card and the spokes and like light up wheels. It's a credit card. It's an insurance, it's insurance card. And does the cushiest butt cushion? I think you, you've already, question asked her, thank you for listening. You've already fucked up pretty bad in not dealing with this before they moved away, but at this point, let's be honest, they're living a long distance from you. You're probably not going to maintain that relationship so well. Yeah, you're good.

I think you need to come clean to the wife, just throw that little pipe bomb into the relationship. Yeah. That is, this is officially your friend's problem to deal with and not yours. The good news is when you stir up this dookie, you got a means of exit. Hey, by the way, he's, you've been lying to each other about the bike. See ya. Don't worry about it. Maybe. Ooh, let me hit you with this. We should have never talked, when we were teaching Griffin to ride a bike, we should have never taught him that he had to say pedal every time that he battled. Although I will, I will give it to you, Griffin. I do not know how Michael Winslow style one would replicate sound of bike being pedaled away. It's like,

that's right. And so maybe there's a lot of cocaine in the bike that the wife put there. Okay. Yep. Okay. Yep. Everywhere, everywhere. You fucking go to fill up the tires. You ever fill them? Explosion, a cocaine explosion all over yourself. You pull off one of the handlebars when you take a left over that dumpster ramp behind the Kroger too hard, pops out and just like a pixie sticky tore open just like cocaine, cocaine, cocaine, cocaine all over the place. Derek, what do you mean you gave Dave the bike? The jewels are in the bike. Yeah. And then it's a whimsical cross country bike race. If the bike is full of cocaine, the wife is certainly horny to be taken out

across state lines, eh? Seems like she wants it to ship, Justin. Yeah. Now it's on question ask her. Oh my God. So you're saying that wife is using question ask her as a drug mule. An unwilling, unknowing, I don't know. There wasn't cocaine in it when we gave it to him. I don't know why he filled it up with cocaine. I don't know why, but we do that. He said he said he's doing some mountain biking and wants some more weight in it to like really grip the road. I don't know why that weight had to come from that chunky crystal white stuff, but here we are. How about a yahoo? Hit me. Yeah, this one was sent in by Seth Carlson. Seth Carlson the delivery man? Yep. All right. Sorry, I got a YouTube ad. It's a video audio playing. It's a Taylor

Swift bad new video. So let's just destroy that. Okay. Stop all flash plugins, Siri. Here's one. Thank you, Seth. It's yahoo answers user Earl the girl asks, What are the terms of your friendship contract? No additional details needed or posted. You got a buddy. You got a new buddy. And of course, you can't just go into that shit willy-nilly. You got to protect yourself and your assets. What's the terms of your friendship contract? Hey, Jeremy, you seem nice. I'd like you to sign some paperwork for me before we get, before we go to the big baseball game. I need to protect myself and my assets in case you end up being a real jerk sword. Okay, I know one of my stipulations would have to be,

you have to let me know about two out of every three sick hangs. It's okay. It's okay if you want to go hang a couple times without me. But like if I find out three times in a row, there were sick hangs that came up and I was not informed about it. We're going to have beef. I think of a hang has a certain number of involved parties. Once it gets over like three of my buds who are all also on contract with me. Once that happens, if I do not receive the evite, then something's broken down in this process. So what are the terms of your friendship contract? I am allowed to get totally spooked at a scary movie we went to together and you can't post about it on Facebook or make fun of me. Don't you dare goof on me like that. Right. You know how I get spooked. I went and saw Annabelle

shit my pants in a theater right there. Made a real bad soil mess right there in the theater. Don't you dare get on Twitter about that. Right. Because if you do, I'll sue you for $50,000 for breach of contract. I think rule number one is don't fall in love. That's an issue. That's a whole different deal with it. Yeah. What are the terms? Now here's Yahoo Answers user Weasel McWeasel says untrustworthy. Well, hateful. Number one, don't touch my Coca-Cola. Yeah, for sure. Well, hold on. I would say don't touch without permission. No. When would I ever give anybody permission to drink this good brown stuff? Number two, I have the right to kill anyone that does. So if you sign this and

you touch this good brown drink and I fucking kill you, then they and then I go to court and the judge is like, Oh, I don't know about this. You killed them. And it's like, look at the contract. I had legal authority to kill him for touching like sweet Coca-Cola. What do you think your life is like when the best thing you have going for you is some Coca-Cola? The most important thing in the world to me that nobody better, not my children, but my children or my money, my bank accounts, my social security number, my stocks and bonds. You better not lay a finger on my butterfinger that could be, or is that just like accepted? That's it. Because Bart Simpson said it. When you tear open the package of a butterfinger, you are agreeing to a contract that

is printed on every butterfinger label, which is to say, if you touch my butterfinger, if the one who opens it, if they are not the one who eats it, you have legal authority to kill that second person. Just real quick, Weasel McWiesel does have a rule number three. If you drink my Coke, see rule number two. This is a little redundant, I feel. The secret to a good contract is you've got to keep it so tight. So saying, number one, don't touch my Coca-Cola, two, I have the right to kill anyone that does. Then having a third rule that's just seriously, though, number two is... Griffin, I can't fault you there because everyone knows that one of the hallmarks of contracts is how brief and easy to read they are. Right. Yes. Agreed. What about like,

you're my best friend forever, best friend forever sort of clause? Like, what about like, if I kill someone, you have to say I was with you at that time? That's a little... That's a lot. A lot. What if I like to kill people a lot? Yeah. And like, it's like... Man, you hang out with Jeremy a ton. One crime committed and covered seems fair. Like, I feel like most of my friends could do something once. If it got like a little dexterity, I think I might start to have bigger issues. I just think I would want... Why are we having friendship contracts, I guess? Why can't we just be good to each other? That's a contract.

It is. We all signed it when we were born. That you remember? With your hand? With your little hand? That's what they do and they make you stamp your fingerprints down. It's just... And you look up and it's like, here's Griffin, 20-pound baby... Jesus Christ! The 20-pound baby and he promises to just be cool about it. Speaking of being cool, I think it's time for us to take a trip to the money's end. Want to start off this week by telling everybody about Zip Recruiter. Are you hiring? Do you know where to... Yes?

I'm always hiring. You never know when I might find someone else I want to enlist. I'm hiring friends and you can apply at ZipRecruiter.com. Really? You can post your job to 100 plus job sites with just one click. I mean, you can't beat that. It's so much easier. And get this, 80% of employers who post a job on Zip Recruiter to get a quality candidate through the site within one day. You can find out today why Zip Recruiter has been used by businesses of all sizes to find the most qualified job candidates with immediate result. Not immediate, probably. That would be weird. If someone replies to your job listing immediately, they have been... They are probably scoping you out.

Absolutely. They are casing you. They are casing you. That's no good. But right now our listeners can post jobs on Zip Recruiter for free. That's right. You heard me right for free. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash my brother. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash my brother. Try it for free right now, ZipRecruiter.com slash my brother. If you go to ZipRecruiter.com and you just search Griffin McElroy, very tall friend, you'll find the current opening. It's unfortunately like times are tight and so that's the only one that we are hiring right now and of course the contract is like fuck like 600, 700 pages long. How tall Griffin? Give parameters.

So what I put down on the listing was as big as my refrigerator. So I left a little wiggle room there because you don't know how tall my refrigerator is but needless to say it's very large. I need a very tall friend to help me get the big jug up there. It's been up there for years. I don't know how I got the damn thing up there. Must have thrown it up there like a basketball or something but anyway I do need a very tall friend to come over here and get that jug and then if you do maybe maybe we can go see a movie or something. Is there a full-time position that you're looking for? I really just need you to get the big jug from on top of my tall fridge. How often do you need that? One time. Just one? You're not going to put it back up there? I mean

I'll be honest. I got a tall fridge and there's lots of tall shelves up in there and there's a lot of old stinky food up there that I just can't get and it makes the stink goes down in the cold air and so I need somebody to help me because my produce I just put it in there and then it gets the stink of these cream cheese up there and some bread. What if they want to go see the movie before they get the big jug off your fridge? Oh then they'll be fired immediately because that's not what the contract says. You're right. Read the fine print. It's all fine print baby. 700 pages of like font number four. Hey I want to tell you all about Lyft. That's Lyft because what they do is you get in their car and they drive you wherever the fuck and it's simple formula.

Happy drivers mean happy passengers. Maybe that's why nine out of ten Lyft rides get a perfect five star rating. It's the first ride share platform with tipping built right into the app because getting tips shouldn't depend on your passenger having a crumpled bill in their pocket and if you're a driver for them you just keep 100% of the tips and they add up fast. Drivers have been paid over $200 million each. No drivers have been paid over $200 million since the feature was first introduced. Man you have ten little cigarette boats there. Yeah I made $200 million driving with Lyft. It was awesome. Anyway you can join the ride sharing company that believes in treating us people better if you go to lyft.com slash brother today and you can get a $500 new driver

bonus. That's going to get you a little bit closer to that cigarette boat. That's lyft.com slash brother lyft.com slash brother limited times only. Terms do apply. Now when you get the term cigarette boat do you like me picture the Oscar Mayer wiener mobile but like cigarette shaped in a boat? I just picture a big ugly boat where I can go and smoke my mall boroughs in peace without having all of my co-workers pulling up my coat pulling up my pants trying to pull my pants down. Every time I go to the office I smoke my smokes right there at my desk like I should be able to do and my co-workers just come up to me and try to rip my pants right off so I want to get on my big old nasty barge that I bought for like 30 bucks and then just smoke it right there in the barge

and then swim home. I would imagine just a boat so filled with cigarettes and the person driving it is like so happy because they love them. They love the cigarettes and they're like just sailing around the pier like I can't believe I have so many but that's dangerous because the weather you know you need sloshing. If you get a cigarette wet that's pretty much it for that cigarette I feel like. Do you guys remember Pepsi Point? I always picture like a cigarette boat was a boat you bought with cigarette points. Oh yeah. You smoked enough that you earned a boat with cigarettes. Yeah. Camel cash. Yeah. So I got so many kush balls with those camel cash dollars. I got a windbreaker just so I could show people like you can't believe how many I smoked for this.

I like to get on my boat and show off all the fish my cigarette tricks I do. Wait what? Do the fish do the cigarette tricks or you show the fish the cigarette tricks? I show the fish the cigarette tricks you dumb ass. Why wouldn't the fish do it? They got wet mouths. The fuck stinks before you talk. Yeah Mr. Olimpid out there just huffing my Marlboro's just shutting them down. What are you talking about? It's a fish. It's 100% water. Good fish vape. Now fish can vape. Yeah fish can go digital for sure. I was within striking distance. One additional breath of beginning to speak about Mr. Olimpid. I'm so happy that you took that burden from me. I feel like we talk about Mr. Olimpid one in five episodes. Is that true?

We talk about Mr. Olimpid a lot. Yeah it's true. If a dolphin or a whale vape and this is a question that you can have it's like a party game at home like the you know the minister's cat. If a whale or a dolphin did vape would you plug the the carb or whatever the fuck into their mouth or into the blowhole discuss? No I think you'd have to you'd have to mouth in blowhole out. That's weird. But that's how you get the sweet tricks right like with your blowhole. But I think no I think that's just not a trick I think that's standard vaping protocol for a dolphin or whale or any blowhole equipped a mammal platypus I think. I'm almost certain blowhole isn't an in. I don't think they can breathe in through blowhole. Well that's what

makes it a trick Travis. Oh play with me in this space will you for god's sakes. They do have mouths. Why do dolphins need blowholes? Like they have mouths. It's greedy. It's greedy. I mean I I mean I guess I have a poop hole so like so poop doesn't have to come out of my mouth. So go to lyft.com slash brother lyft.com slash brother limited time only terms do apply hey tell me about this limited time only and we've wasted half of it sorry your time's running time's ticking down. So if you love sibling based humor which I assume you do because you're listening to this show join the brother and sister Emma and Luke as they review every Disney channel original movie one month at a time. That's incredible. Join us as we completely trash these movies which are all

definite classic works of cinema and hold special places in our hearts. Okay first of all I don't know how I feel about that because I don't think I could trash uh luck of the Irish which I loved as a kid. Yeah I mean see this little penis dude like this is you cannot you cannot talk shit about these DCLMs. What's the one where the youngest Lawrence brother cloned himself clone of my own clone wars. Clone of my own. No there is one where the tiniest Lawrence cloned himself. What was it Jesus God and I think he did a dance with himself. Clone of my own is like such a good name for that movie I can't imagine that's not it. It wasn't I'm on Wikipedia do you hear how fucking frantically I'm typing. The other me. The other me. Yes of course. So if you want to have

probably better listening experience than you've just had for the last 30 seconds you can search for their podcast DC Omidy. So D comedy DC Disney channel original movie OD I'll just spell it DC OM EDY get it um in iTunes and subscribe and then you can follow them at Twitter at D comedy podcast uh so go check that out. Boy they kept making I just googled the list I thought I was going to know a lot of the things on this list what with Brink and what have you but it's a lot of they've been making a lot of stuff they mean one in 2013 just called Teen Beach movie. Yeah couldn't get a title going for that one huh just went with Teen Beach movie on that one. I was excited uh Timothy Almondson um who was great in a bunch of things but I was most

excited when he responded to my tweets because he was in luck of the Irish as the evil leprechaun and I very much enjoyed his performance. I don't think I've ever told him that hey everybody please don't tell my sort of Twitter friend Timothy Almondson that I most enjoyed his performance in luck of the Irish thanks everybody bye 2000 year 2000 year 2000 travel back with me will you to the year 2000 they made fucking one two three four five six seven eight nine 10 11 12 of these fucking things in one year that's one a month. Quince the other me mom's got a date with the vampire fandom of the megaplex the ultimate Christmas present miracle in lane two step sister from planet weird rip girls alley cat strike the color of friendship up up in a way all of them

2000 how's your fucking production so many of these and we do want to encourage everybody make sure to advertise with your podcast with my brother my brother me because if we like your format we'll apparently just start do it yeah okay the first century was an amazing movie and the guy who played protozoa I ran into him at a cafe in yellow spring so I dropped this name Travis well I can't remember let me pick up this let me pick up this name for you travel protozoa and I'll hand it right back to you you're such a fucking show off Hollywood Travis Mcroy I was talking about protozoa I was talking about his best friend protozoa god you you've changed I thought you do I think you don't live in LA anymore but you've changed always talking about protozoa

once a Hollywood guy always a Hollywood guy that's what God all these movies are incredible hey I've got a personal message for Rebecca and it's from Michael who says hey Rebecca hey hey you know what you know what you're great you're doing a great job of being a human being and I'm the luckiest happy b day slash secret anniversary slash becoming a mom slash official anniversary I can't wait to meet our baby oh also I'm in the bathroom and we don't have any toilet paper can you get some I'll wait now they don't have a time like a preferred time for this message listed here but I assume that it's been a while and that not only do they have a baby but that Michael is just a skeleton in that bathroom still with poop all over his butt bones hey Londoners do not

miss out on your chance to see the beef and dairy network Jordan Jesse go and Judge John Hodgman live at the London podcast festival from September 13th through 17th tickets are still available so realize what you've done wrong and fix it get those tickets for more information go to maximumfund.org and check out the live shows on the right side of the page go do it here's another question I uh wow we only did one yeah okay here's the second one well we talked about protozoa for about 40 minutes so we're you're not going to get a lot more content and this one I think I recently moved to a new city and one day after work I went through the drive-thru at a dairy queen I've never visited before when I pulled up to the window I immediately recognized the

cashier but I didn't know her name or how I knew her she also expressed some similar recognition of me we talked for a bit and determined we didn't go to a school together and are not from the same area how do I find out who she is is my brain broken that's from lost and Louisville how are we supposed to know this how are we supposed to possess this information well I think I my suspicion is that you might be dealing with maybe like a past life scenario where you two were like BFFs in Egypt or something either that or you kind of look like somebody they knew and they kind of look like somebody you knew okay memory is shit maybe it's Christmas in New York he both tried to buy the same pair of black gloves okay and then you fell in love but then you were like we can't

right now it's not a good time and so you write down your name and love in the time of cholera and you send it out there and it's if we find it again we're gonna we're gonna get back together but then you forgot you both forgot and then she got to work at Dairy Queen you moved there and you're like hey you look familiar is it the serendipity yeah you said she had a different face all right see you and this is our movie 51st Serendipities I heard Travis on the way when Travis stopped at our house on the way back to his house and I heard him determine a route home based on proximity to Dairy Queen Travis what's up with that hey Travis what's going on bud um Dairy Queen's my favorite travel food I think I've talked about that you have not no

oh well um Dairy Queen yes it has because the dippable chicken strips thank you are so dippable and they're gravy centric yes and we we lambasted him for that choice thank you I believe here's the thing Dairy Queen's to me are a little bit mythical because I've never lived um in what I would consider close proximity to one and so when I see one I get excited because it's not like a McDonald's where there's one every 10 feet a Dairy Queen is like oh and like a Sonic you know a Dairy Queen and a Sonic you see them are like ooh Dairy Queen a Sonic and you get excited at least that's how I am so when I'm traveling if I'm going out of my way anyways I like to plan my route by Dairy Queen there's nothing funny about it I'm just a fan I can take my coffee mug right now and open up my

office window and throw it and hit a Dairy Queen down the street this is this is not an exotic treat to me and in fact I don't know how I feel about the Dairy Queen because if I'm being honest hot eats and cool treats you don't it's unfair that you get to do both when I went to the country well when I went to the country's best yogurt there was a reason why we're the country's best yogurt it's because we weren't also making chicken strips so as we focused on a discipline on a craft and we mastered it and became the best at it I why did they ever become the world's best yogurt Griffin well there's a there's this fucking dope spot over in Barcelona and like we know we all it's actually required in the tcby training session you you you watch the video and then you you know

practice you gotta get seven ounces on the small you gotta do nine ounces on the medium and 13 on the big and then you gotta just practice that until your hand it's just muscle memory always seven ounces always seven and then you go to Barcelona and you eat it's technically gelato there but holy shit you eat it and you're like oh yeah our shit sucks our shit our shit is garbage wait you study abroad at tcby university yeah yeah for like six months it's so you don't get a big head yeah like you start thinking your cock of the walk making the world's best yogurt but then you go to Barcelona and it's like uh clearly not oh i'm nothing i'm nothing i'm nothing i'm a zilch over here you know it uh dairy queen they have to uh when you get a blizzard they have to up in the

blizzard in front of you or it's free that's a wild thing huh like i don't know of any other restaurants that require food based stunts uh when when the food is ordered i can't think of it it's not like when you go to mcdonald's and they're like they drop your big mac to show you that it stays together like you never have to like they they never have to at olive garden they don't like take a handful of your spaghetti and throw it the wall to show that it sticks and it's properly cooked there's a place here called peteria it's a good little burger restaurant beats the shit out of in and out don't at me and what they do is they have to take a drink of your lemonade and a bite of your burger and a bite of your fries just to prove to you it's not poison every time

if they don't it's free if they don't it's free and it's also poison don't eat it how about this yahoo that was sent by poison burgers uh sent by they're so good i would still fucking do it i'm i'm hold on i want to hear this yahoo very bad i'm very worried that people have started tweeting to timothy almondson that travis didn't enjoy his performance oh no irish no no no i love that i can serve that travis just enjoys all your work but not your performance luckily irish that is my that's what i had sucked in that irish no no no i didn't i loved it that's when i first became a fan i just don't want him to know that okay okay okay jesus okay so i was about to read this yahoo but i saw one in the suggested question sidebar and it says solve my

harry potter riddle hint i'm not sure where your loyalty lies keep your chin up to the royal skies that's it that's all this in your riddle your riddle sucks so bad your riddle sucks really really bad i mean i think it's definitely one more time it's the two more time uh i'm not sure where your loyalty lies keep your chin up to the royal skies mmm he has another one this user whose name is not appearing can you solve my harry potter based riddle and then there's one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven empty spots that's it that's all it is it's like 11 letters but you didn't tell me what it is voldemort is that 11 i'm gonna assume it is asshole all right anyway uh i've lost the original question can we end the show no is one is

sent in by erin keys thank you erin see how who answers user anonymous is asked by voldemort who says yeah can i'll get you any better uh can you become a celebrity for arguing can you become a celebrity on my fries all right can you become a celebrity for arguing with a celebrity on twitter and winning so a lot of motherfuckers seem to think so oh man here's well here's what i think about global warming whoopie goldberg and then fucking you watch the news that night is like you gotta gotta luke james from demoine really burned the shit out of whoopie today oh my god you all gotta see this he's getting he's got a book deal he really went to town on whoopie's just logic here really jumped on all the gaps in the reasoning here of whoopie goldberg from

sister act this is actually what celebrities hope nobody ever finds out which is that that that's how the mantle passes you have to win specifically a twitter argument you can't like find walking phoenix in real life and be like chocolate's better and like that won't work but like if online you start a fight with walking phoenix and you win and that could be hard to prove sometimes you gotta run it by the judges and you win you get to be in her too oh you become the celebrity exactly and then walking phoenix is out that's what that weird walking phoenix movie happened when he got a shit done on his face was he had a break there because he was talking about like i think i think pit bulls are dangerous and somebody was like oh no you didn't walk in

phoenix and then the news was like did you hear jeff james got walking phoenix so good dunked on him so high and now he's the herman now he's the her two-man star he's the herman do you have to take over the career of the star that you beat in a twitter absolutely sister well three starring me griffin macaroy it's farther than that justin actually it's you swap bodies oh no yeah so if you've ever seen a star and it's like why why why does it seem like zack afron jumps back and forth between making like nicolas sparks movies but also bad grandpa and it's because he's really bad at arguing with people on twitter yeah it's just like somebody else takes over his body and it's like i'm making the new uh you know the new beach movie and then another person takes over like oh i'm

making a movie where i sail a boat my little brother died that's because he's always trying to start shit he gets on twitter he's like i don't know why we don't just call pringles potato chips and then somebody's like i'm famous i'm gonna get this fucking guy that is a good point travis thank you for bringing that up if zack afron ever tries to start an argument with you on twitter do not engage with him because he's trying to claw his way back up he's trying he's starting low it and uh uh you you should you should be careful of that because you don't want him to be like and now i'm the assistant manager at borders like okay well that's fine and and now you have to be zack afron like in his body you understand yeah it's very confusing definitely but that's why

john q sacs always trying to fight with everybody he doesn't want to be john q sac anymore i don't there's gotta be some sort of reward either in this life or of all holla that you get for arguing with celebs because it's literally every dax shepherd at dax shepherd great day today no it isn't you fucker like first and through 100 response fuck you daxed a shitty day got him on now i'm the dax man like there's gotta be some reason why people are like i've got like i've got like what like five billion minutes on this earth i'm gonna spend one of them just dunking right on dax shepherd from punked like what are we what are you guys doing because there's other stuff you could be doing you could go out and try and catch a butterfly or something and then let it go and

griffin that's why it's sad they don't want to fight with celebrities but they have to go out and catch a butterfly and tell them it's wrong about climate change that's the thing is like that it's the only way to thin the celebrity herd griffin is if you fight with them and it's like okay that's the only way we can cycle through new movies like how do you think the new chips movie got made because dax shepherd fought with someone about whether or not it was a nice day you know and like then chips gets made it's the only way we get movies dax don't dax don't care i cannot stress this enough if you ever get in a fight with dax shepherd or enter any celebrity name here dax don't care dax might even reply and dax ain't gonna care that one's just gonna roll

right off dax's back his his his famous happily married back it's been sneaking up on me lately that i think dax shepherd might be uh and i don't know i don't know anyone's mental standpoint but he's got a pretty good deal going on yeah he's doing good it's dax and so if you tweeted him saying you know your your thoughts about anything that dax shepherd has very strong opinions about which based on my only exposure to dax these days is those those um washing machine commercials he does with christin bell is just what a good laundry machine is um he doesn't give a shit nobody gives a shit i have people that i know who tweet at celebrities like well here's what i think of that movie you just it doesn't fucking care nobody they don't care they're not

gonna read it and care yeah the the thing that is different about celebrities versus us and everybody's always wondering what's what do they do differently is that they don't fucking give a shit they don't read their replies and they're not saying like well except when they are and that gets a little uncomfortable because sometimes they definitely do but oh yeah that's a good caveat sometimes they definitely care i i've actually been campaigning i've been campaigning on this one for a while never tweet anything and if someone responds to you don't ever respond i didn't expect you to read it then why did you tag them in it that tagged them right you don't have to add them if you don't like that's like handing me a note and then being like i didn't expect you to read the note

you handed it to me just keep it in your pocket there's a certain level of pseudo celebrity where you read them all and there's i don't know anybody on this podcast not anymore not anymore bro uh yeah i i don't i tried it i i it got to be too much at a certain point um but i do still dip in there and you know the funny thing about it is the ones that i seem to notice and remember are the mean ones that's weird isn't it that seems weird to me but thank you for all your kind tweets um just reading about on dax shepherd's feed right now i'm trying to find what's he into what's he up to doing let's click over dax we cannot have a show where two thirds of people are in dax shepherd one couldn't get at dax shepherd oh who's holding out i'm gonna

look and see what yeah if i meet the original dax shepherd oh hasn't tweeted just sitting on it since eight 2009 dax talk to them and it's oh ooh ooh the description is punked employee of the month without a paddle etc that ain't you that is not jack shepherd dax if you want it it'll just cost you one night with you dax shepherd come on come on come on you want this tweet oh come fuck this dax please come punk to this butt punk my butt dax he's happy birthday happy birthday christin bell and like a million tweets of people like great love this wedding love this marriage i don't think he maybe he does care i don't know i'm i can't i'm so deep down the dax hole right now it's just if you're listening to this podcast if

you're under the power of my voice don't tweet a dax shepherd please but do follow him absolutely a source of great insight and comedy we did talk about without a paddle for a couple minutes a few years back and i don't think that any of that was admissible in friendship court at least i hope not tough shit dude we burnt we burnt like four bridges there dax seth the scooby-doo one so good on twin peaks by the way mr. lilac if you're listening everybody's great all you know what i'll go on record all celebrities except the racist and terrible problematic ones are great there i said it they're all great they all make good work unless they are incredibly problematic at which point they are not they're not not great at all you heard it here and sometimes they go

from the first group into the second group and that's challenging if they did we knew it the whole time and we retroactively didn't mean them fucking tim allen's dejeculates into group two and i'm like um called it a lot of piece of shit uh-huh called that one got you tim i got tim on that one and then you're like fuck you tim he doesn't care he don't care he doesn't care is uh now that's a man with a twitter bio right there is tim allen um this is so good tim allen just his bio says santa buzz light year the tool man mike baxter hey i'm still that wisecracking kid from the midwest looking for answers to life's big questions you're

you're in time for selling drugs your buzz light year you at your your header image is santa claus looking lovingly at buzz light year you are not the wisecracking kid from the midwest you are santa and buzz light year the tool man and whoever the fuck mike baxter is if you look at tim allen's twitter header it is it's so wild because it's santa claus in the middle and then buzz light year to the right and then a blank void to the left as if he's leaving room for another treasured character that he may create in the future the other treasure the other treasured character is him a wisecracking kid from the midwest just looking for answers to life's big questions my my dude you are looking in all the wrong places because your shit sucks now timothy it might have always sucked

but now you're just kind of being a little bit more public about it sliding right into group two i knew it i knew i was the one who knew about timothy he also has a picture of himself as him and him and it says tim and him uh that's on his twitter there's a lot of great things and lots of great things waiting for you a lot of bad content actually hmm try this try this if jimmy from august 19th try this if jimmy cracked corn and no one's cares why did we sing a song about him looking for answers to the big ones the questions because that's me from the midwest a wisecracking kid not buzz light year i want to address something on his twitter feed he tweeted a while ago and a lot of people addressed this he tweeted if we evolve from apes where there's still apes okay

and some people said uh that's that's not serious he was joking and then uh he did the next day tweet comedy ain't pretty and to some not so funny and then on the 18th tweeted maybe i will do the ape evolved bit at the gig and wonderful paramount theater in illinois now here's the thing one of two things is possible either he sincerely tweeted if we evolve from apes why there's still apes he thought that was a hilarious joke and the second one is more like oh he's classic if we evolve from apes why are there still apes bit yeah well that's how he does it he's looking for answers to life's big questions questions like if we evolve for apes why there's still apes and then a billion people on twitter like tool man you're a fucking idiot and then he's like okay so that's not one

of them that big question's still out there about the apes you know what though apparently people got real rides out of it i'm gonna do it at my comedy show my bad comedy show that you paid $30 to come see do it stand up hunt him gotta see that wisecracking kid from the midwest for $30 at aurora illinois oh oh oh oh oh people just fucking shitting their pants screaming grunt more you're not buzz light here you're a wisecracking kid is that santa no it's not santa he's just a fool that's not santa up there that's just a humble wisecracking kid as easy i think this is gonna ejaculate up there hilarious is that mike baxter whoever the fuck that is no that's just him just him i i think that's from his wacky show that we somehow allowed to continue for many many

years many years longer than last man standing should have been uh standing um so that's gonna if your kid looks at tim allen and says is that santa claus you things have gone terribly wrong things have gone desperately wrong for you as a parent santa claus is and always will be john hamman from Jurassic park actor man that's that's gonna do it for us on this episode of my brother my brother me we hope you've enjoyed yourself uh uh and and had a good time is there anything we want to talk about this week anything oh yeah i need lots and lots of yahoo's please because we are about to do three shows back to back this coming weekend in new york dc and boston i think tickets are all sold out on this leg um but if you want to come see us in october november uh you

can still get tickets i believe for the milwaukee show i think minneapolis is done so you can you can find ticket links uh and everything at macaroyshows.com slash tours is that right and we have other shows on that thing including a new show that me and rachel are doing well it's sort of a revamped version of rosebuddies that should be launching this week which i'm very very excited about excellent um i uh we wanted to make two quick notes about those shows this weekend um sometimes at those shows that we the tickets are released at the like a very very limited number of tickets are released at the window so uh if you wanted to try for that that may be a possibility there's no guarantees it may not happen but i know it has happened in the past so

just so you know also um we uh have traditionally uh gone out after the shows to sign things and what have you um i don't think we're going to be able to do that so much anymore uh after the shows because yeah not during these these tours it's going to be real tight it's just tough because we have shows every day so we kind of have to go back and uh sleep and then drive the next day so we probably won't be hanging out after those so i just which i only mentioned because i don't want people to wait around thinking that we're going to be popping out to sign stuff and i'm sorry about that but also we're traveling with like families and stuff and it gets really uh tricky to to to keep everybody there so late so um that is the deal with that just so y'all know uh i also want

to let everybody know um here in Cincinnati at the no theater Cincinnati i am uh starting in november teaching a weekly class about podcasting called podcast 101 um and so even if you're not in Cincinnati and it is already sold out in Cincinnati but we're also going to be videotaping it and then uh sending links to the videos to people who sign up uh it's a hundred dollars for uh six hour and a half long videos about podcasting um if you're interested in checking out the details and maybe signing up you can go to bit.ly forward slash podcast 101 video um and sign up for it there uh let's see what i want to i want to thank john rodrick in the long winters for the use of our theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed john has been kind

enough to let us use that song for like six years now and i cannot imagine our show without it so thank you john and the long winters oh along with sending in yahoo's if you're going to be at the shows make sure you send in regular questions too and put in the subject uh which show you're going to be at uh so we can we can sort them easier i don't think i've ever promoted this on here but um the justin and i and travis pops in a lot too we do videos for polygon if you go to polygon.com slash youtube you can check out all of the different videos that we do there just only have a series called monster factory uh we play player unknowns battlegrounds every tuesday we livestream it for like a couple hours and travis usually joins in and a series called awful squad you can watch

like a bunch of archived videos of that it's a very very fun little series and that link is also youtube.com slash polygon not the infertile the griffin just hit what did i say polygon.com slash youtube yeah oops that's not right yeah youtube.com slash polygon um yeah so how about that final wait i have one more thing i just remembered quick if you're in sincennady or the sincennady area my friends and i are organizing a puzzle themed pub crawl um where you go from you know bar to bar and solve puzzles and get points and compete and that kind of thing um we've got one coming up september 12th if you would like to check out all the details you can go to puzzlecrawl.com and sign up um this final one was sent in by morgan davie keep it wavy morgan davie it's

yahu answers user anonymous um timothy alan asks is fidget spinner masculine or feminine in spanish my name is jester mackroy on travis mackroy i'm a wise cackin k k k from the west like for instance i suppose question for from mackroy this is where my brother my brother made kiss your dad square on the lips maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported going into a bullseye interview i know it's somebody who does amazing work but it's an actual conversation i don't know where it's headed the absolutely you're absolutely right you said it actually better than i did so i have to think about what that means hey these are this this this is the straight talk that that

you're going to get on the show bullseye creators you know creators you need to know find it at maximumfun.org or wherever you get podcasts