My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 371: Face 2 Face: A Lot About Horniness

Episode Date: September 12, 2017

Once again we are coming to you pre-recorded LIVE from beautiful Washington D.C.! We sure hope you enjoy! Suggested Talking Points: Train Murder Preparedness, What Kind Of Family You Got, King of Pranks, Toilet Mysteries, Emojis Can Die, Navitius, Buying Welcome Mats, How Money Works, Doctor Toboggan, Improv Nowhere, Ruined Cred

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. I wanna just say that I wanna Just say that I wanna Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother, me and advice show for the modern era, I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-aged brother, Travis. Step on my applause. I'm your middle-aged brother, Justin McElroy. Justin McElroy.

And I'm your middle-aged brother, Travis McElroy. Fuck you. Getting started quick. Like the Chilean minors emerging from their mysterious hole. We have returned to the great district of Columbia. Great district you got here. Maybe the best district in the whole country. Maybe the best district I know about. Capital.

And do y'all get peeved? Do you get seriously teed-o when like people in Austin are like, it's the live music capital of the world? Y'all should be like, you can't just say that. We're the capital capital. Yeah, all right, wait, are you the capital capital of the world? You're the terrifying press conference capital of the world. I've never, I have yet to see a press conference come out of DC where I'm like, oh, great. It never starts with, we did it. Okay, so I, we were in Brooklyn yesterday.

Was anybody at the New York show yesterday? And that was a lot of people. We took a, we usually travel by like plane whenever we do multi-city tours, but we took the Amtrak down from a lot of Amtrak employees here. To their credit, it was extremely chill. It was fucking great. It was the fucking best. I actually had a moment where I was like, are they going to tell us to put our seatbelts on and our tray tables on?

Once you get seats, of course, because the moment when you don't have seats is very scary. When you're traveling with eight people is harrowing and terrible. We need to talk about, this is technically a one-man intervention for the two of you, because your train behavior, it left something to be desired. Is there something specific you're referring to here? Okay, this entire, the entire time we've been together, all of us and like the family will be like hanging out talking about real shit.

And then these two will be just launched into a deep puoro talk. Just to a deep puoro dive into the, I guess mysteries, I'm not well versed. And when we were on the train, these two were so fucking sure a murder was going to happen. So the entire time, like Travis got up to go to the dining cart and would come back with a coffee and Justin would bust out a little notebook and be like, 9.50 a.m. Travis went to coffee. Travis did literally say to me when I went to the dining cart, when I got back, just so you know, 9.35 to 9.43, in case you need an alibi. I guess you assumed each other was the killers?

Yeah. Because it's always someone they've mentioned. The book never ends with, it was that guy. That's the definition of a cozy mystery, Griffin, everybody. Still I've been reading, it always happens on a train. The thing I'm most impressed by in puoro books, everybody knows the minute things happened. That's true. Everybody's able to say, well, I was there at 9.42.

I'm like, are you just checking constantly? See, Travis, back then, in the olden times, clocks were like TVs. So that was the most fun thing you had to do black. I've never had a 10.17, just like this before. Also, can't wait to see what 10.18 has in store. Probably some sort of illness that will kill me. Probably cholera.

Hope I don't get murdered. The reality of a train murder is that trains are so big that a murder could have happened like four cars in front of us, and we would never have known. A train could have happened in the quiet car, and it would be like... That's the perfect crime. Hold on, let me write that down.

Who did it? Can we get some... I'm going to sound like Eddie Vedder here, but can we get some more monitor, because the echo's a little rough. Thank you. Thank you so much. Okay, should we start doing the shit? Sure.

Yeah. So we are going to do some questions and some yahoo's and some stuff, and then towards the end of the show, we'll take some audience questions, and I take it that everybody knows the rule for that. Thank you. Thank you. And don't start lining up. We'll call on people. We'll call on people.

Yeah, yesterday the Brooklynites got very horny for it, and it was like a TED talk. We didn't even measure the horniness in here. Are y'all horny for this one or what? The horny meter's off the charts. That's three boners. We've never gotten that far. God knows that when I am horny, what I do is...

Yes! Yes! It's happening! But the alternative... The alternative is the entire audience, and please, God, this is not a call-and-response. I'll leave this stage. But if the entire audience was like,

Oh! Let's do it. Or just silence. How horny are you? Justin, hit me with that first question. Thank you for bringing me this podcast I've never listened to, and so basically it's just three brothers talk about how horny they are and what that sounds like. Yo, no, this is an important distinction.

We're not horny at all. No! I could not be less horny. I'm a little horny. Two months ago, I worked at a table for my... Okay, listen. Two months ago, I worked at a table for my library consortium at the county fair.

What's that? That's some Justice League library consortium? The library consortium. The League of Books! I worked for the League of Books. I took a walk to get eliminated, and a gentleman manning one of the carnival game booths said hello to me as I walked by.

I said hello back. There's your first mistake. They are just trying to get your attention. And I said hello back, and then as I continued to walk away, he said, What kind of family you got? I have polled a lot of people, and no one knows what this phrase means.

Is it a pickup line? Is it a conversation starter? Is it a code phrase for carnies? I deeply regret not asking the man himself for the moment. I may never know the answer. Any ideas? That's from Still Confused in Caterogus. You hear?

Hi! Wait, what kind of family you got? What kind of family you got? Can I ask one thing? How badly did I butcher Caterogus? Oh, thank you. Yeah, what's up? No scope!

What kind of family you got? I cannot think of a sentence that the meaning of it changes more depending on the tone of the delivery. That's true, because there's like a youth pastor delivery. There's a youth pastor delivery. I mean, the wording is criminal. But it could be just, what kind of family you got? And it's just like asking like, you know, you married, you got kids.

It's I guess a succinct way of answering a bunch of questions all at once, but there's also a like... How horny are you kind of way? What kind of family you got? Maybe you're playing, maybe you're playing some kind of like family card trading game? What kind of family you got? I got... I'm gonna play me some swamp energy on my son, Jeremy.

I'm sorry, my Jeremy's tapped this round. I tapped my Jeremy. Go, uncle. I have a blue eyes, white Jeremy. Okay, that's all well and good, but what kind of family you got? What kind of family you got? What if the answer that that person's hoping for is like, bad, take me away.

Yeah, take me to Des Moines with you when you go. What, why does... Okay, let's look at this in the lens of a carnival professional. Yeah, give me a second. Okay, all right, go on. Why do they need... What information do they need for carnival activities that could be answered? I mean, it's a grift setup.

Yeah, like there are very few carnival games that I feel like are like, oh, I've got a fair shot at winning this one. Everybody without an uncle only has to knock over two milk bottles. That doesn't make any sense. I guess it also doesn't make sense that like, are you trying to figure out if it's a wealthy family? Yeah. Or a very gullible family who loves SpongeBob SquarePants?

What kind of family got stupid and rich enough to keep buying frogs to flip into those stupid late pads? Let's do it. He has a hundred to keep the frogs coming, my good man. I have a grandpa who's very proud and confident he can roll the bowling ball up the rails to make it stop in the divot just right when that will not be the case.

Let me get him. Let me get him right now. Let me get him. Hold on, let me round him up for you. They all want to try to flip frogs in there. They all want to win a goldfish. How about a Yahoo answer? Whoa.

How about this one from level 9000, Yadru-Dru-Dru-Dep. Poor thing you drew. It's from Yadru-Answers user Rhonda. Ah, fuck. There's a banner ad for Destiny 2 at the top and it's just making me think about the fact that I'm here doing this instead of...

Have you ever thought about the fact that the logo at the end of the Destiny is the fidget spinner? Oh, yeah, all the time. Anybody here by a show of hands had an actual moment where they're like, I know I got tickets to this thing. Bye. Okay. I've got to become legend.

Thank you for your honesty. I had it the moment, too. Yeah. Rhonda asks, help me prank my stepdad. I love my stepdad. He is so cool. Probably not. At the most, a stepdad can be like kind of cool.

Signed Rhonda's stepdad. I mean... I mean... But he claims he is, quote, the king of pranks. I take it back. This is a very fucking cool stepdad. He claims he's the king of pranks. And so me and my mom want to play a prank on him.

We looked up a few things, but so far nothing seems good enough. I thought of doing something to his truck. Smiley face. That's fucking... That's an escalation right there. I thought about lining the undercarriage of his truck with C4.

Get it? But we live on a farm, and anything we can do outside might hurt our horses if they get in it. Wait, wait. Get in the truck? Let's go! Come on, guys.

Why today, horses? Why today did the horses have to drive our C4-related truck? Why did they have to try the trap truck today? No! No! I'm not proud of that. Anything we can do outside might hurt our horses

if they get in it. And then there's the emoticon of the colon slash, so it's like, my killer horses. The only thing that makes... I know you need to finish the question, but the only thing that makes sense to me is that this question asker

is envisioning one of those big holes with vines over it. Right? That's what they're saying. They're making a stepdad trap outside the porch. What trap are you setting that you're worried about hurting horses, but not your stepdad?

Yeah. Stepdads are typically much more fragile than a horse. That's not true. Except on ABC's new comedy, my stepdad's a horse. Right on after and before Young Sheldon. It's all we got. It's all we got, folks.

Young Sheldon and horse stepdads. We got 30 minutes of Sheldon and then 23 hours and 30 minutes of horse torture. Let me finish the question. Any suggestions for awesome pranks I can do inside? Me and my mom, thank you. Big laughy face in Motocon. Laugh on.

Can I say my favorite part of this question? There's so much to love about this question. How do you pick a favorite? My favorite part of this question is, but nothing's good enough. Nothing's good enough for my stepdad. Because I said there's two moments where they looked at it and were like,

not for the king of pranks. No. The problem, I would never call myself the king of pranks because that's painting a huge... You wouldn't. What? No, it's painting a huge target under your back.

Yeah. If you say I'm the king of pranks, you're basically begging to get pranked. Then you... That's how you end up in one of those YouTube videos where they like pretend to throw your son off like a... I was like, hilarious.

And I'm at home like, what the fuck is wrong with... I made you think our kid died. What the fuck, guys? Rain it in. A pie in the face. A bucket of water on the door. Rain it in.

Horses. That was another get-to-say insert joke here. Joke to be named later. Travis, that was a bad bit because you put those in horse mouths. Can you... How do you like them apples? No, no, no, no, no.

Oats snap. That was way worse than mine. Oats snap was better than how you like them apples because there's so many creatures that enjoy an apple. All right, can we get back to the main question? Whoa! What?

I'm not even doing them now. I love your unbridled enthusiasm. That's pretty good, though. That's pretty good. Travis... Oh, I just got in the latest Gallup poll. This sucks. When Travis does this, by the way,

that's when he does to his baby. So he thinks all y'all's babies. Okay. I have an idea for a good prank that doesn't... It's not going to hurt your horses. Thank you. Stepdad wakes up,

throws off the sheets. What's wet in my bed? It's a severed horse head like in Godfather. Wait, but... But you said... But it's not one of your horses. So it's all... Okay.

So everything's okay. Everybody wins. Everybody wins. It wasn't... He'll freak out and then he'll look at the face of the horse and be like, Oh, it's not one of my horses. No harm, no foul.

Good one, Rhonda. Good one, Rhonda. You got me. Oh, you got me. You got me good. Okay, it's time for another question. I was trying to... There's just so few pranks that won't kill a horse.

Yeah. One time on April Fool's, I did the bucket of water on the door frame thing, but we didn't have a bucket. And so I used a foot bath and I filled that motherfucker up. And then Dad walked into the bathroom and it fell on him

and it was probably a good 25 pounds of water. It didn't turn over, right? It didn't turn over. It just kind of... Pretty good prank, though. We also won. Got you. Dad?

One of our pranks was we shut off the main power switch to our whole house so it turned off all the alarm clocks in our house. Got you. You got fired. How about a question? Yup. I work in a small building that is part of a larger facility.

There are usually only six to eight people that work in that building. Often I'm the only one that uses the women's restroom. Every day the custodian comes and cleans the restrooms and every day he replaces the partially used-up roll of toilet paper on the holder in the women's room with a different partially used-up roll. I don't know what happens in the men's room.

The answer? Car stuff. I've always got an engine block in there that I'm working on, tinkering. Car stuff. I thought for a second you said car talk. Car talk. That's where they recorded it.

I know it's a different roll because the pattern or texture of the paper is different each day. I don't think... We're going to circle back. I don't think we've ever finished up a roll in the ten years I've been in this building. The custodian rarely speaks so I can't ask what is going on. Wait, wait, wait, time out.

Can you raise your hand real quick if you're here? Wait, can you raise it? Stand up then. I can't quite see you. Are you way in the back? Wait, so like are you over here? So dark, right? Okay, thank you.

Just a little bit of house about me. Are you standing up? Oh, so you're right there. Okay. Come on. I'm giving you a look. There's a lot of you. Are you waiting for him to broach the subject?

You can explain my toilet weirdness. You can turn the house lights out now. Thank you. This is overwhelming. There's too many people. Is there more to the question? Custodian rarely speaks so I can't ask what is going on. Why is this happening?

That's from Perplex Paper Partaker. That's such a nice button to that question. It says nothing to do with the rest of the question. Why is it happening? Well, sometimes life finds a way. Yeah, just sometimes God, when God closes a door, he introduces a bathroom mystery. So here's the part, the main thing I want to talk about. The first issue that I have with this question besides the fact that like, you definitely

can't talk to people that don't talk a lot, right? We're good on that. That's actually the people you should talk to. Yeah. The best stories, like why they're introducing bathroom mysteries into your life on a daily basis. The people that talk a lot give you everything. The people who don't talk, ooh.

Justin has taken the mic out of his hand. I just came up with a saying, still waters run deep. Yeah. What do you think about that? No, here's the problem I have with it. What are you doing? If I... Where are you going?

I'm just feeling the stage. Wow. Okay, so here's my issue. Stop, stop, stop. This is not a big bit. I'm just wanting to stand up for it. Okay, so if I... You say the toilet paper has different patterns.

Act it out, act it out. Every day. Thank you, Travis. It has different patterns every day. That's not how toilet paper works. I've never maintained a big facility, but I don't think toilet paper exchange begins with... Ah, yes.

Let's see. Ooh. The 1978 Charm. They made quintuple ply that year. I think also... It comes in a big fucking pack. There's like 30 of them. You work in a building.

I don't understand. Unless this custodian is robin-hooding it, stealing from the sit-go to give to the... Your office. Mm-hmm. Like, he did... Like, the first day he showed up, they were like, well, that's everything, and, uh... Well, there's supposed to be a page in the back here about how to order more toilet paper. Well, you know what?

I'm sure you'll figure it out, and he didn't. I just didn't. I think, okay, so, first of all, you're the only person who uses this bathroom. First of all, well done. That's the dream. Never quit. You're the only human being who's used that bathroom in ten years. It's legally yours here.

It's your... You could definitely live here. Literal squatters, right. Um... If you're the only person that uses that bathroom, wouldn't it be kind of weird if a person came in every day and could look at how much toilet paper you had... You and you alone have used that day? Mm, rough day.

Oh, no. Like, that... Okay, but think about this for a second, really. If they were switching it out when the role was exhausted, they would have, fucking, a thinking's worth of data about how much you shit in... It's fucking pee-pee. Fucking... Because SOTI and Nate Silver just, like, oh, went through one in four days.

What's going on? Whoa. Back off on the broons. My fucking toilet life was such garbo that it took me a second to think about what would be a normal amount of time to go through a whole roll of toilet paper. And when I say normal, I mean people normal. Not... Not Griffin.

Not me. Uh, how about another Yahoo? Yeah. Okay, but can I say, actually, please ask him an email list. Please just ask. If it's the one about him not wanting to know how much you use the potty, I will just be eternally delighted. What if he's so excited and he's just been building a conversation started for ten years,

like, you'll notice. I thought you were going to say... They have to notice now, right? Certainly, it's been ten years they've noticed. I thought you were going to say he's been building, like, a TP Fort. Oh, thank you for asking. Come in. Look at this stuff.

Is it in me? Hold on. No, that sucks. It's my Pado Prado. It sucks that I have personified this custodian as a toilet paper collector. That's no good. Actually, as a toilet mermaid is what you dreaded. It's okay, Griffin.

He'll never hear it because he doesn't talk much. How about another gahu? Yeah, this one was sent in by the delivery man, Seth Carlson. Seth, you're here, right? Yeah! In that sort of zone, in that region, thank you, Seth. You are killing it. Who answers user Blurry301, who asks?

Wait, why did someone clap? Are you Blurry301? So, in the emoji movie... Can other emojis have sex and have kids? Gotta do this one. Can y'all answer this? Yeah, they sure can. Because two men emojis had a son.

And they probably fucked. Real quick, I just Googled the emoji movie DreamWorks just to make sure we weren't burning the troll's tube bridge. It was just made by Steven's movies. By that logic, Justin, every character in every animated movie was the result of sex. No, please don't link them. Fucking Lightning McQueen.

You seem like, oh yeah, driving real fast. Someone had to do it to make him, probably. No, wait, no, wait. Did you see Lightning McQueen's parents? I've never seen a car, but I assume no. Really? It's really good. Wait, does anybody know? No, you don't see Lightning McQueen's parents.

Wait, Travis, I'm trying to IMDB this. No, we heard a firm no. No, firm no. Somebody was very confident. No! So that's what I'm saying. If you don't see their parents, they could just be a creation of God from mud and ribs, and then he breathed life into them.

Lightning McQueen cannot have ribs. What? This car cannot have ribs and bones. Griffith, hold on. Have you ever built a car? I have not. So for all you know, why are these movies so chicken shit? Show me the inside out emotions parents making love

before I meet the characters. And there'd be a little horny emotion, and they'd be like, We have talked a lot about hornyness. We're in the horny capital of America, baby. The Washington Monument is basically a boner. Finally, someone makes that observation. So here's the thing. You saw his parents, and they were both met emojis,

and then he was a met emoji also, which also makes you think that the emojis can die. Because if they can fuck, they can die too. So what I'm saying is that we all try hard enough we can kill the kids in the emoji movie apparently because we know they're mortal because they fuck. Justin, do you think is emoji death when you use it? What do you mean?

Like in the movie, they're all afraid of getting tapped. Well, that's sex. They're all afraid of being used well sometimes. They probably covered this in the film, Travis. I don't want to recount the plot of the emoji movie. My question is, when you were watching the emoji movie, and there was Patrick Stewart, and he was a little turd, and everybody else in the theater was delighted,

were you looking and thinking, that Patrick Stewart turd's going to die one day? That Patrick Stewart turd was the result of sex, and is also going to die one day. Oh, his son's in the movie, and he's voiced by Patrick Stewart, which is sad also. Just because Patrick Stewart shouldn't be doing things like that, he knows better.

Twice. He voices his own son? No, I'm sorry I phrased that poorly. That would be really cool though, you're right. That would be a great... That would be a better movie. That would have been the one fine artistic choice they had made. Well, why would they need to give the...

It's still the shit emoji. Why does it need a better voice? Like, it should be the same voice. Wait, that would indicate that they are reproducing, like if they don't have discreet genetic material. Dude, all these characters are fucking Justin. We've covered it. There's a movie called Storks, which I watched some of,

because it was on, and Henry was watching it, and then I kind of watched it a little bit more. He walked in, and Henry was like, Check it out, dads! Yo, yo, I finally figured it out. It's birds or whatever. But in that one, they get letters. They're like, I want a baby, and they put it in a machine,

and then a baby comes out. I am now recounting the plot of Storks. My life has taken a strange turn. And I saw that, and I thought, bullshit, there's some kids watching this, they're like, you used to be a letter, and it's like, uh-uh, their parents fucked. You need to learn about this stuff someday.

It could be both. This live show is taking a really fucking weird turn. Okay, but in the plot of Boss Baby, and... Be cool, everyone. Be cool, everybody. They divide babies into babies that would be good at business. In heaven. Sorry, it's in heaven.

They divide babies that would be good at business, and babies that deserve families. This is some applause. If you've seen this fucking movie, please cheer if I'm telling the truth. Thank you. This is some fucked up, the givers shit. Yeah.

Babies that are good at business, and babies that deserve families, which on a certain level, I get it. Because there'll be people who are good at business. They don't deserve families. Do you ever see a baby doing business, and also with a family, and you just think, how do they do it? They have it all.

They have it all. God, we just talked about the emoji movie for ten minutes. No. It's coming in hot. Hold on, there's a hot one coming in. It's coming in hot, direct to me, where I took a screenshot. Hold on. Looking at Justin's pictures?

No, you're looking at this picture. It's a haunted doll watch. This is coming in hot. Wait, go back. What? Sorry? I just want to enjoy it one more time. This is not good audio, so we'll just be quick about this part.

This is the haunted doll we're talking about today. It is Nativius. Okay. Nice non-haunted name to start out with. Nativius? Nativius. So this is from a paranormal investigation group that photographs private homes, hopefully with consent.

Come on in. Police. Photograph all my stuff. Stranger. Just let me know if anything's weird or whatever. So here's the Nativius story. Spiritual position. Every Christmas I love going to church

and hearing the Nativius story of the spooky baby Jesus. So Nativius' original whereabouts are mystery to Carla. Now that's a... I've heard some pretty good opening lines to the novels before. That's a very good opener. All she knows is that one day she came home from work and there in her fenced in backyard was this doll.

Well that sucks. Nice. Nah, cool. Free doll. Free ghost. Also I love that there could be no other explanation. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, somebody threw it over your fucking fins.

I borrowed that one. Cause it was haunted. She was lying on the grass under the bird bath. Carla was baffled as to how this doll even got into her locked eight foot tall fence. So suck an egg. Nobody can throw a doll eight feet. She checked it.

It was a bird. Toads. It was Aaron Rogers. Green Bay Packers Quarter. That was the only one. I gotta get rid of this fucking doll. She checked with all her neighbors but no one knew anything about the doll.

Now fucking hold the phone. You're telling me that somewhere on earth someone got to have the delight of... Green. Hello. My name is Carla. Did you drop this doll? I believe it has paranormal...

proximity. She was really intrigued with this doll. She wasn't a collector of such items. But for... If you're a collector of haunted items and you find another haunted item I do not trust you very much. Who isn't a collector of them

and sees a doll and goes ghost doll? Yeah, cool ghost doll. I've never had experience with this before but why wouldn't I assume? She felt this strong pull of energy almost freezing her in place for a moment. Carla immediately knew this was something bigger than she had ever experienced.

Justin, can I say my favorite word in that whole thing? Ejaculation? No. Almost? Almost. Almost freezing her in place. Almost.

But it didn't. But it didn't. If I could have sworn for a second I almost could have been frozen. Freezing was on the table. It was an option I could have taken. Carla called her friends at night and told them what she found.

Most of her friends laughed off the whole spooky doll thing. But Carla's one friend, Mia, said I'll be over tomorrow and we'll try to speak with her. This is the fucking mumblecore of haunted... on adult stories. I do like...

and maybe this is just miswording but Carla's one friend, Mia. Yeah, Carla's one friend, Mia. One real friend. One real friend. If you can't, like, Carla, at her worst you don't deserve her when she calls you to say, hey, Green Bay Packers quarterback

Aaron Rodgers threw a doll over my eight foot fence will you come check this shit out with me? I love this running theme of can you imagine if you're one of her other friends who gets the call like, hey, this is gonna seem random but... I'm not a haunted doll. What?

I only hear from you when you have haunted dolls. You never ask about Jeffrey. So this late, so Carla heard a loud noise. She found nothing out of place. That's not a story. That's not a story really. I thought something happened but it didn't anyway. I swear to God.

The next evening Carla's friend, Mia, came over. This is the only haunted doll story I've read that had fucking time lapses. So anyway, nothing happened for a little bit. What? And also, Mia was going through some shit. And then Mia's boyfriend was like, the baby's not mine. Carla had already told her what happened last night.

Mia was ready to question this doll. She had to really psych herself up. Yeah. They set up an old, small VHS video recorder for reasons that are just beyond me. Because it's 1988. They turned the lights off and lit a bunch of candles. They sat at the kitchen table with the doll

in the middle of the table. They began to ask all sorts of questions, but nothing was happening. I wish there was a period there. That was the end of the listing. So anyway, give me $40 for this. Mia pulled, okay. All of a sudden, Mia jumped out of her chair

and yelled, ouch. Mia pulled her shirt away from her shoulder and there on her shoulder blade was three fresh scratch markings that were just jokes, but then she got real. Did she die? What if the next sentence was,

and then my friend, my only friend, Mia did die? Well, to be fair, this is all written in second person. Yeah. And then Carla's friend, Mia, died. Hang in there. It's about to take a quick turn. We heard, okay, we started to watch the video the women had made.

So this is like switched person now. What the fuck is fourth person? It was two hours and 52 minutes long. Okay. Hold on. It was directed by Peter Jackson. You're watching this video with your friends. At what point in the two hours and 52 minutes

you're like, we should do something else. Can we please do anything else? Whose idea was this? So at some point in the video, a little over an hour, whoosh, you made it that far. We heard a woman's voice. It was raspy with a touch of southern accent in it. Nice.

Hey, y'all. Like the lady who used to narrate great chefs of the east. What? What? No, that was me editorializing. When they asked her name to these voices or whatever, the word

Navideus was spoken and the woman started using her name, Navideus, to ask questions. And then they received more responses. We heard that your 1892 spoken and asked what year she was born. She would never give a year to the death, but she did use the word noose

when asked how she died. How do you say the name was Navideus? And like late 1800s is where you think Navideus came from. Navideus is this is the end of the listing. There's a lot more.

I'm giving you the abridged. Navideus is absolutely not a doll for the beginner. I don't feel as though Navideus is harmful. We do feel that she has negative energy about her and this should be taken into serious consideration before bidding on her

doll stand not included. So that's your home of doll watch. How can you say? I got a Samsung 55 inch I'm trying to upgrade at the 4k television. Also, it scratched my friend real bad on the shoulder.

No negative energy though. It scratched the fuck out of my friend, but do get this TV. It's fucked up one way or the other because you're either saying it scratched my friend but we haven't got any proof or we haven't got any proof but I think she's terrible.

She hasn't done anything. It's cool. It's fine. Hi folks, Travis here. I sure hope you're enjoying this live show episode. We had so much fun recording it. You may find yourself wondering why are we putting up the DC episode

when we recorded the New York show first. We're saving that just for a little bit. It will go up. We didn't lose it. There were no problems with the audio or anything like that. But you're going to get the DC episode when we recorded the New York show first. We're saving that just for a little bit. It will go up. We didn't lose it.

We didn't lose anything like that. But you're going to get the DC show first. If you came out to the shows or even if you weren't able to make it I just want to say Brooklyn, DC and Boston were all so amazing. Thank you all so much

for having us and coming out and supporting the show. Looking forward to all our future tours. But I do want to take a second here to tell you about some of our sponsors this week. First, we're sponsored by my brother and my brother and me favorite and friend Nature Box.

I took Nature Box with me both on my vacation and on my tour. I enjoyed those snacks wherever I went because right now Nature Box has over 100 snacks that taste good and are actually better for you. And they're not lying. These snacks

are delicious no matter what kind of snack you like. If you like salty they got salty. If you like sweet they got sweet. And in fact you can actually get additional things too for just a little bit of an extra charge. I got some beef jerky some meat protein bars that were really good.

I just had these mini crispy snicker doodles that were amazing and of course my favorite the Asiago cheese crisps. So if you haven't checked out Nature Box you what are you why are you waiting? Go to naturebox.com slash my brother because

right now Nature Box is offering my brother and my brother and me fans 50% off your first order. So go to naturebox.com slash my brother for 50% off your first order. Go check it out naturebox.com slash my brother. We're also sponsored this week by Blue Apron

another personal favorite and show favorite of ours. I use Blue Apron all the time we get the shipments. It makes cooking not only easy and fun but also you get to experience new and interesting dishes that maybe you'd never think to make for yourself.

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and farm fresh ingredients you know and love and are ready in 30 minutes or less so check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash my brother that's blueapron.com slash my brother. One more we're just hitting

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slash my brother that's meundies.com slash my brother it's a limited time offer so what are you waiting for go to meundies.com slash my brother right now I got a special personal message here in the Jumbotron section this message is for Darla and

Stephon and it's from Dory Jo. Dear Darla and Stephon happy anniversary I couldn't think of a better way to appreciate you both than to have it said by our favorite three wise men well hopefully I'm the favorite because it's just me thank you for

introducing me to this fountain of truth also known as MB&B fountain of truth that's really good very clever congratulations on four years of successfully married life here's to many more I love you your favorite sister Dory Jo that's so sweet

hey congratulations to you Dory Jo being a great sister I also have another message here this is for Evan and it's from your middle sister Emma and your sweet baby brother Will happy birthday Ev we love you so much we wanted the Mackle boys

well once again just me to acknowledge your birthday after all it's your fault we love them so much here's to 26 more years of being the world's best sister and the oldest member of the world's second best three some of siblings so thank you everybody um we're gonna

get back into the show now I I hope you're enjoying it and I hope you continue to hi there I'm comedian and movie buff Ricky Carmona and I'm excited to tell you about a new show I'm doing called Who Shot Ya join me LA Weekly Film Critic

April Wolf I'm gonna call Star Wars and it comes out the Clint Howard project film reviews editor for the rap Alonzo Derrally everything Charlize Theron knows about killing somebody with a high heeled shoe she learned from single white female and our dope ass friends each week I think we need to

end this pernicious belief in our society that there is anything remotely f***able about rich dudes who are emotionally unmanable so if you're tired of wack opinions and you're looking for smart funny film discussion show check out

Who Shot Ya son that's what we do and you can find us at maximumfund.org or wherever you get your podcasts uh what do you want to do audience question let's do some audience questions let's do a lot alright we'll call house lights

we will call on some folks if we can get some house lights so we can see any of them I see like forehands but uh alright let's start on the right side I see somebody holding a hat up person who's holding a hat up because of your creative

flagging technique can we get a little bit more house a little bit less us it's extremely us yeah intimate there's just not a good way for you to do this is there friend I've got baby fingerprints I was yeah

you walking around keep coming around you're doing great I've got baby fingerprints you want to do let's do alright we'll do first and then we'll do you yeah yeah hi hi hello hi my name is Marco you can angle the mic down if you want yeah if you could

thank you hi Marco a long time listener first time question asker thank you for thank you for joining us um um so I work at a local east hardware and it's great so glee owned so I got to meet a lot of people you know super great it's great because do you have a section

is there like a certain area there yeah I mix paint nice it sounds so fun yeah it is it is a lot of fun but you people ever just say like surprise me um I feel like when they're surprised it's probably bad can I ask you can I ask you a question

that you'll probably have like a dope answer for sure what's your favorite color because I bet it and my expectations are sky high right now standard liver mark you know reds that are like like the most red but not like pink

but like red yeah yeah hell yeah sure what's the what's the for our listeners at home hey yeah bro the most red what's the hex code like what are we working with here

okay so I need a Hennessy and ginger ale please thank you uh so what's your question so um I love my job but uh around closing time we get a lot of dads who need welcome mats like

what why that I'm sorry sorry sorry a person in the other hand we are not getting to you this evening this will be 30 minutes uh explain everything explain yourself hold on I got you comfortable and Paul's not back

for my drink yet we need to stall by which I mean uh we get a lot of people who come in like 40 15 minutes before we close but is it dad's wanting welcome mats though yeah that happened yesterday uh I I people come over

10 um how are they gonna know they're welcome you're you're laughing but that's literally what he came in for because he had a party oh my god can you think people will walk up and be like oh bye

fuck me I guess I'm the asshole all right bye I got all this buffalo dip it's all for me Jeff fuck you okay are you asking how to kick people out of an ace hardware

kind of what we do right now is we'll turn all the music off and we'll start turning off lights but I was wondering is there any songs that you had any ideas of that would help to push people out the door yeah what about a time of closing

thanks pal is there a song called we're sold out of lumber I was thinking um oh are you gonna answer it no I have thought about this a lot and I was thinking like what's the song roll em out put em out

put em up yeah raw hide raw hide double the volume of it every 30 seconds and slow it down until it is like weaponized can I tell you a story of my own

when I used to work at blockbuster video it's a weird show we do that that gets a round of a piano is it somewhere a blockbuster was like huh what PJ blockbuster of the blockbuster estate

but anyway I used to work at blockbuster and they would be open until midnight on holiday because for some reason New Year's Eve was the second biggest movie rental night after that's a bum right it gets worse Thanksgiving correct Travis

and whoever else said it it's for kids to keep the kids smoke cigars with your family wrapped in plastic so anyway I was working there and they would be open until fucking midnight on New Year's Eve

and one time I watched the ball drop on this staticky TV while a woman cruised the Woody Allen movie and she was like unaware

of the fact that it was midnight at the end of this year and a new one was kicking off and this is how she was ringing it in and I had a moment where I thought which one of us sucks more I was judging her

and I was wearing like khakis at midnight and a tucked in blue button down like fuck me for real are there worse pants than khakis to ring in the New Year's you're setting a bad precedent for your year

I think very loved Rawhide is going to get the job done alright thank you thank you let's go left side yes you've been waiting very patiently hey what's up what's your name so

I have this friend and she's a really good friend of mine yeah so far so good and she has this really big crush on this guy that we work with because we all work together I don't want to name names but we'll just call him Kyle so she has this really big crush on Kyle

now Kyle doesn't think that dating at work is okay and I date somebody that I work with and I wasn't sure who's right here is it okay to date people you work with or is that a no go this is a real one sorry sorry if this is a bummer I don't know

it's a real one the answer to this question is it's okay to date people who want to date you yeah pretty much end of yeah it's like this has never made sense to me

unless it's against company policy trends that shit will conform around you it's all malleable it's just like it is if you do want a job though I can't imagine a human being you gotta listen to me

I mean really listen money is exchanged for goods and services let's start there okay so and you need that and sometimes they say don't and you may really love the person but you also love the new sketchers and you want to buy them

with the money you got for labor so like you can't like following so far no that's the end but here's the thing can you imagine a human person boss that you went like I'm in love with this person and they said

yeah I can oh no I've been working for myself for too long it's 2017 I can imagine a lot of things traffic I'm sorry maybe they're right or you're right

it doesn't make sense because you spend like the most time with these people of course you're gonna fall in love man what's more human than that you could okay let me hit you with this no we're not dating

but we're very much in love that's the dream dating's a label love is unbreakable think about that that didn't make any sense but I'm gonna put it on a coffee mug and sell it Justin's been looking for his love his love his love for like a month

he's been workshopping a lot thank you Ian yes you're jumping up someone down you're gonna play you're gonna play pinko hi what's your name he's Drew Carey turning into Bob Barker

let's not he got bit and it's a whole like and throw up situation hi what's your name hi Anna I probably know weed is legal in DC now what hi I swear to god

I didn't know that we walked down a line of 1000 of you mother fuckers and my pockets are empty by the way we've been trying to find a good way to do meet and greets and that was not

exactly it because I've never had a panic attack quite like running through two lines of people six inches apart like at one point it did form around us we were swallowed by the whale

DC is awesome DC rules and so I'm trying to get a cannabis card because I'm very above board and also don't know to where to find it is it recreational or medical okay are you human

oh wait wait you said it's not recreational it's medical oh Griffin are you okay oh god it's just like sometimes I get nervous okay so what's my problem is that I need a physician

and since I'm in college I don't have a grown up physician yet as I see it my options are two fold you want me to get my wife out here hold on no no no it's about to get very good come right a week on for this person

please she's not coming now I don't know that but I do know that please explain the options because I know what the options are and I'm thrilled to death I can either try to meet a new physician day one

give me the other option hold on hold on hold on I know what the next one is tell me please or I can go to my pediatrician I believe you mean pediatrician your pediatrician

looks like made it thank you so much for all of you being that one to me by the way um yeah here's the thing I got really spoiled living in LA because literally every other building

had a green like medical cross on it and that green medical cross basically means yes sure because you would walk in and you would literally go well sometimes I have trouble falling asleep and they're like yep go go go we don't get your 25

dollars unless we hand you the paper yeah fuck it what do you give me a fake name here but I need for the purpose of this bit I must know your pediatrician's name doctor assume it's fake um let's say doctor toboggan

doctor toboggan but see he sounds like he would fucking like measure you like oh you're going nice and big and strong and then he would give you a safety pop and then hook you up with the green stuff

he sounds like he would sell you weed oh you seem so big and strong like these plants I've grown are you cool you're not a narc are you you have to tell me you're not a cop hey sit down on the race car you're not a cop are you

doctor let's let me check your let me uh let me just put the stethoscope in there and just check for a wire doctor toboggan the weedie attrition is so clean yeah and rad and powerful like I'm inspired by the idea of this thing

that we have all created here tonight that's a Netflix show doctor toboggan the weedie attrition I need to make some edits to my SNL audition reel so anyway I'm doctor toboggan the weedie attrition that's my Jack Nick

okay it's also Jack Nickolas Jack Nickolas the golden bear for sure how did we get there please do this do it can they do it? a pediatrician is a doctor

so they can do it do you think they might tell somebody who you maybe don't want to know that your parents or just whoever but your parents can't give you shit you need the doctor said hey doctor toboggan said

you know he's family friend big out of my mind I didn't want to watch adventure time for six hours I want to I also don't like Teen Titans go I don't know what you want me to do I do love Teen Titans go

when I first went to college my mom was the one who recommended that I start smoking weed fuck yeah your mom this is toboggan that help yes great

wait yeah wait I want to pick one right there it looks like your hair is pink please stand up I can't tell come on down hi

what's your name? my name is Rene hi Rene my partner and I are in a long distance relationship we've been together for six months how long? no how long distance oh they live in Canada sure

don't do the thing do you get that every time? yeah I'm so funny in original so my question is do you guys have any tips on how we might do a long distance meet the parents

oh he would be meeting my mom this is the most you're not meeting each other we have he and I have met have you charted the exact geographic

midpoint between the two if you make a hole with a gun perpendicular through the name of your town and the desktop globe where's the exit wound is it about I have not made that calculation to find the exact meeting point because that's one option is you just drive to

the nearest rest stop otherwise this is the most high stakes teleconference and it'll fail have you met skype it's definitely gonna fuck up I'm sorry hold on so you are meeting their parent

he would be meeting my mom he has to come to your mom yeah there is not a world in which you say to mom you have to come halfway she doesn't no I think we're talking about a teleconference situation

your partner is not gonna be like I'm gonna put on this funny filter that's really gonna win your mom's over tuxedo t-shirt this one makes it look like I have a big bird on my head because I'm

listen I'm serious about this Pamela do you hear me I love this person that's tough that's a tough put why did you decide to do it like right now instead of like at a time where you all were like together um who knows when we will all be together

yeah good point it's true Jesus shut up oh I thought you were saying Jesus like wow that's a deep question but no Jesus yeah Jesus knows I'm sure Jesus does know God knows

do you guys want to get real deep in religion but you know after 373 episodes it's important that you know we've been deeply religious the whole time I would just wait

to do it until anticipation has had a maximum for both because what sorry you want to interrupt my thing with another thing no go on I stopped myself no I don't know you already did it

my joke is still good hire someone shitty have them talk to the parent first and your parents are like oh they're terrible this is sound pretty good actually so low

then partner steps in and is like I'm actually first and then the mom is being really shitty to the partner and then you're like gotcha and you bring in the real mom and then they meet each other like each other a lot neither one of them are the real one

they've both been double punked on my new show double punked hi I'm Ashton Kutcher I'm Ashton Kutcher too the sequel for double punked I actually like the bad one does that help

it does absolutely great let's get a middle friend yes there's no mic here though that's our first double punked experience hello

hi what's your name Leslie okay do I need to back up no you're great don't worry about it talking to the microphone nailed it I just yeah anyway so I work in a coffee shop and the majority

of my customers that come in are very nice I see them every day but one percent of the time they're kind of dicks like they'll fucking sass at me

if it's like they give me change well I'm already making them change and then question my intelligence which no it's not nice so what is the best way to confront somebody who's being a dick

to you without just like cousin amount like what's the best way to like confront somebody and make them not realize that you're actually like fuck you to them have you uh real quick

have you heard our show before or heard us or experienced us as people today I thought that you all would be good here's my sick maybe you all would be really good at that here's my sick one you're ready for this

first off one percent of people congratulations congratulations on your miraculous slice of humanity you've carved off for yourself here's my one you're ready because this gets fucking nasty everybody strap in okay when somebody's a dick to you

here's what I like to do really fucking I am nicer to them to try to make up for whatever imagines like that I've done to make them not like me oh shit and then if that doesn't do anything that's okay

alright hold on I want to throw mine to you because if those don't work what I like to do is remember that soon they'll be gone and I can forget the guy who did that was all this fuck so no we're not talking about death not death what

no I mean from for once we are not talking about death we're talking about them leaving the cafe do people die when they leave your store are you like a goldfish if they're out of your cone of vision they've died I didn't mean that

that once they leave my store they leave for life that's right you're banned start putting okay don't say anything but they do have a big list with pictures behind you of people who are banned from store so when they come back

assuming nothing's wrong you can just point like uh let me consult my chart you sit inside and not outside let them walk in the door like look up there Tim I just wanted a croissant

be nicer next time just based on the situation that they are coming to you and standing in the same place to deliver this bullshit every time this is a perfect trap door installation situation so rarely is somebody griefing you where you know

where they're gonna be when they're doing it yeah bad egg bye bye Veruca you're gone yes yes yes thank you thank you I think

there's a shrimp heaven now shirt orange orange shirt with the poster yeah yeah yeah come on down I promise we didn't pick you just because you bought merch that is a bad precedent hi what's your name hey will

I will say will it is a shrimp heaven now sure which I said you look there's a lot of people here wearing shrimp heaven now shirts in your defense what's your question okay so

I do improv comedy excellent wait we're just gonna kick it up here and you take it away no this so whenever I like introducing myself and I mentioned that I do improv comedy everyone's first

reaction is why don't you do some right now really that's not my instinct you just try the polar opposite reaction for my own

they say they say okay you're at the DMV they just want some fucking who's line like right now they take it as a challenge why that doesn't happen if you say you're a surgeon cut my butt off

get my liver out alright oh he's not gonna do it what's your question do I just say no yeah absolutely no you say give me a situation

imagine I'm a guy who tells you to fuck off no come on what about Andrew Dice Clay up here we're trying to be nice fellas I think you should get a type 5 together just have material ready do you know what improv is

you can't get a type 5 no listen you change the names and stuff that's exact or you can do like or you do this thing I came up with this thing where it's like um um like you're trying to think of it but you know okay so I'm doctor toboggan

just like I think here's the answer you do it but they have to play with you that's it you need a partner I need a partner sure I need a partner fucking dead eye to say sure I need a partner now okay but

well if they say yes hang on for the ride 96% of the time they're gonna say no oh well I don't feel comfortable doing it that 4% will fucking get you every time and I'm Wayne Brady here's the thing I straight up

if anyone ever does this to you just point at wherever you're standing because I guarantee it's not a stage yep and you're fine like what circumstances is this coming up at the coffee shop at a bar at a quinceanere like where are you they're like

this is you go where are you they're like do it now and it's appropriate okay but aren't you failing in it why did you take up the mantle of improv comedian I assume it was to entertain and that doesn't just happen on a large scale

oh what if you just started miming oh that's good yeah I like that oh my thing I will start my thing you're not gonna like my thing as soon as I start I cannot stop does that help

yes thank you alright one more one more one more somebody's now pointing to their poster I told you it doesn't work like that how about on the aisle with two hands in the air with that yeah yeah yeah jumping up

yeah you got it make your way to the, again I picked somebody for this from the mic oh no no no sorry sorry sorry okay okay you're going to the bathroom you're going to the bathroom oh my god no I'm so sorry fuck

I've never felt worse here my brother my brother and me I fucked up again it's me Justin Jesus I'm so sorry I've never felt worse than I do on this one fuck so Bob I hope they keep going just keep running

don't come back you have to move move away I'm so sorry we don't do that that's my deepest fear and I just realized it on a person that sucks hi

my fears large hi what's your name hi my name is Casey are you fucking sure you want to listen to us about anything Casey we did such a we did such a bad job our crayons in the duty part

alright Casey go ahead okay so I got grifted last year three juggle butts call me out for going to the bathroom sorry Casey what happened

last year I was moving so I was getting rid of all the garbage that I had collected over the years my dad worked at grocery stores his entire life and so he would come home and just like throw display shit

at me and be like this is a present and I'm like okay he gave me like a lego kebler elf at one point and the only place that it fit was at the top of my big dresser and it stared at me as I slept as a child

and I hated it for all my life I am I want you to know yeah this is a fucking good story Casey this is way better than the haunted doll that Justin said it was definitely haunted so I decided to get rid of it last year and I put it on

Craigslist for like five bucks and nobody like responded to it for days makes sense realized you didn't want it for many years and you're like you know someone else might want it well you see about like a week

past and I started getting like text messages nonstop first this kebler elf and I'm like I already moved at this point and it was at my mom's house and my mom can bring it to you I guess and he's like okay and so they agreed on a place

and gave my mom five bucks and went on their separate ways but after this I googled like I wonder why everybody's so excited about this kebler elf it was worth three hundred dollars oh hold on to who

yeah let me KZ I can put your fears to rest let me authentically say no it wasn't what website did you go to you lost 295 bucks and that's tough that's a that's a Nintendo switch that's a bad B

it's a PlayStation but you also missed the opportunity of meeting the most specific pervert who has ever lived and that is the real crime because here's the thing that value

sounds like gained in a week because you put it up and everyone's like no and then some news broke and then suddenly three hundred dollars what happened

if you have a weird fucking thing and you never seen one before have you ever seen another one no next time and this is gonna help you should google it first do the google it's not hard and it is free

you can google anything you want nobody I've always wanted to meet this is my new pbs show weird fucking shit roadshow yeah I've always wanted to meet the person on antiques roadshow was like whoa this boat's worth a billion dollars what

a week ago for five shit here's a picture of a boat I used to have is it worth three hundred dollars for you to know that you will never have to interact with this fucking lego elf again though right it was worth nothing to you you got five

dollars that's like five thousand percent I don't know how that works zero to five but it was nothing to actually infinite yeah infinite gain congratulations kasey you've gained infinite no matter how much more it sells after that

yeah you've gained did we help thank you kasey thank you kasey let's wrap up I am gonna die from pee inside me okay this is the second night in a row last night Griffin actually had to walk off stage not tonight though yeah don't tell the story that's taking a precious p seconds from my life

thanks to John Roderick the long winter streamer theme song it's a departure I'll be out putting the days to bed thank you to the listener theater for having us this place is really beautiful Griffin deep breath you're probably some posters out there thanks maximum fun org for hosting us thank you

saw bones for opening thank you thank you of course to all of our families yeah coming in and supporting we're probably not gonna be we're really not gonna be hanging out because we have a pretty early flight tomorrow flying up to Boston and it was so cool to see you all we saw a lot of you out before the show and that

was really high fives thank you to the person that gave me three sour patch kids I was very cool of you thank you thank you to Paul Sam of AEG for bringing me a drink Griffin I want to hear that

thank you to everyone so yeah this final one is from the delivery man Seth Carlson thank you Seth from y'all who answers user Kyle in all caps who says who screams probably as a vegan can you believe it's September already

my name is Justin McElroy I'm Travis McElroy I'm Griffin McElroy this has been my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips take my water I'm Allegra Ringo and I'm Renee Colbert and we host a podcast called can I pet your dog

Renee can I tell you about a dog I met this week I wish that you would in turn though can I tell you about a dog hero may I tell you about a dog breed in a segment I like to call month minute I would love that could we maybe talk about some dog tech could we have some cool guests on

like Lin-Manuel Miranda, Nicole Byer and Ann Wheaton I mean yeah absolutely I'm Ann you're on board what do you say we do all of this and put it into a podcast yeah okay you think should we call it like I don't know can I pet your dog sure what do you say we put it on every Tuesday

on maximum fun or on iTunes sounds good to me meetings over