My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 371: Face 2 Face: A Lot About Horniness
Episode Date: September 12, 2017Once again we are coming to you pre-recorded LIVE from beautiful Washington D.C.! We sure hope you enjoy! Suggested Talking Points: Train Murder Preparedness, What Kind Of Family You Got, King of Pran...ks, Toilet Mysteries, Emojis Can Die, Navitius, Buying Welcome Mats, How Money Works, Doctor Toboggan, Improv Nowhere, Ruined Cred
Transcript
Discussion (0)
The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.
Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.
Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.
What's up, you cool baby?
The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.
Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.
The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.
Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.
Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.
I wanna just say that I wanna
Just say that I wanna
Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother, me and advice show for the modern era, I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.
I'm your middle-aged brother, Travis.
Step on my applause.
I'm your middle-aged brother, Justin McElroy.
Justin McElroy.
And I'm your middle-aged brother, Travis McElroy. Fuck you.
Getting started quick.
Like the Chilean minors emerging from their mysterious hole.
We have returned to the great district of Columbia.
Great district you got here.
Maybe the best district in the whole country.
Maybe the best district I know about.
Capital.
And do y'all get peeved? Do you get seriously teed-o when like people in Austin are like, it's the live music capital of the world?
Y'all should be like, you can't just say that.
We're the capital capital.
Yeah, all right, wait, are you the capital capital of the world?
You're the terrifying press conference capital of the world.
I've never, I have yet to see a press conference come out of DC where I'm like, oh, great.
It never starts with, we did it.
Okay, so I, we were in Brooklyn yesterday.
Was anybody at the New York show yesterday?
And that was a lot of people.
We took a, we usually travel by like plane whenever we do multi-city tours,
but we took the Amtrak down from a lot of Amtrak employees here.
To their credit, it was extremely chill.
It was fucking great.
It was the fucking best.
I actually had a moment where I was like, are they going to tell us to put our seatbelts on and our tray tables on?
Once you get seats, of course, because the moment when you don't have seats is very scary.
When you're traveling with eight people is harrowing and terrible.
We need to talk about, this is technically a one-man intervention for the two of you,
because your train behavior,
it left something to be desired.
Is there something specific you're referring to here?
Okay, this entire, the entire time we've been together,
all of us and like the family will be like hanging out talking about real shit.
And then these two will be just launched into a deep puoro talk.
Just to a deep puoro dive into the, I guess mysteries, I'm not well versed.
And when we were on the train, these two were so fucking sure a murder was going to happen.
So the entire time, like Travis got up to go to the dining cart and would come back with a coffee
and Justin would bust out a little notebook and be like, 9.50 a.m. Travis went to coffee.
Travis did literally say to me when I went to the dining cart,
when I got back, just so you know, 9.35 to 9.43, in case you need an alibi.
I guess you assumed each other was the killers?
Yeah.
Because it's always someone they've mentioned.
The book never ends with, it was that guy.
That's the definition of a cozy mystery, Griffin, everybody.
Still I've been reading, it always happens on a train.
The thing I'm most impressed by in puoro books, everybody knows the minute things happened.
That's true.
Everybody's able to say, well, I was there at 9.42.
I'm like, are you just checking constantly?
See, Travis, back then, in the olden times,
clocks were like TVs.
So that was the most fun thing you had to do black.
I've never had a 10.17, just like this before.
Also, can't wait to see what 10.18 has in store.
Probably some sort of illness that will kill me.
Probably cholera.
Hope I don't get murdered.
The reality of a train murder is that trains are so big
that a murder could have happened like four cars in front of us,
and we would never have known.
A train could have happened in the quiet car,
and it would be like...
That's the perfect crime.
Hold on, let me write that down.
Who did it?
Can we get some...
I'm going to sound like Eddie Vedder here,
but can we get some more monitor, because the echo's a little rough.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Okay, should we start doing the shit?
Sure.
Yeah.
So we are going to do some questions and some yahoo's and some stuff,
and then towards the end of the show, we'll take some audience questions,
and I take it that everybody knows the rule for that.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And don't start lining up. We'll call on people.
We'll call on people.
Yeah, yesterday the Brooklynites got very horny for it,
and it was like a TED talk.
We didn't even measure the horniness in here.
Are y'all horny for this one or what?
The horny meter's off the charts.
That's three boners.
We've never gotten that far.
God knows that when I am horny, what I do is...
Yes!
Yes!
It's happening!
But the alternative...
The alternative is the entire audience,
and please, God, this is not a call-and-response.
I'll leave this stage.
But if the entire audience was like,
Oh!
Let's do it.
Or just silence. How horny are you?
Justin, hit me with that first question.
Thank you for bringing me this podcast I've never listened to,
and so basically it's just three brothers talk about how horny they are
and what that sounds like.
Yo, no, this is an important distinction.
We're not horny at all.
No!
I could not be less horny.
I'm a little horny.
Two months ago, I worked at a table for my...
Okay, listen.
Two months ago, I worked at a table for my library consortium
at the county fair.
What's that?
That's some Justice League library consortium?
The library consortium.
The League of Books!
I worked for the League of Books.
I took a walk to get eliminated,
and a gentleman manning one of the carnival game booths
said hello to me as I walked by.
I said hello back.
There's your first mistake.
They are just trying to get your attention.
And I said hello back, and then as I continued to walk away,
he said,
What kind of family you got?
I have polled a lot of people,
and no one knows what this phrase means.
Is it a pickup line?
Is it a conversation starter?
Is it a code phrase for carnies?
I deeply regret not asking the man himself for the moment.
I may never know the answer.
Any ideas?
That's from Still Confused in Caterogus.
You hear?
Hi!
Wait, what kind of family you got?
What kind of family you got?
Can I ask one thing?
How badly did I butcher Caterogus?
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, what's up?
No scope!
What kind of family you got?
I cannot think of a sentence that the meaning of it changes more
depending on the tone of the delivery.
That's true, because there's like a youth pastor delivery.
There's a youth pastor delivery.
I mean, the wording is criminal.
But it could be just, what kind of family you got?
And it's just like asking like, you know, you married, you got kids.
It's I guess a succinct way of answering a bunch of questions all at once,
but there's also a like...
How horny are you kind of way?
What kind of family you got?
Maybe you're playing, maybe you're playing some kind of like family card trading game?
What kind of family you got?
I got...
I'm gonna play me some swamp energy on my son, Jeremy.
I'm sorry, my Jeremy's tapped this round.
I tapped my Jeremy.
Go, uncle.
I have a blue eyes, white Jeremy.
Okay, that's all well and good, but what kind of family you got?
What kind of family you got?
What if the answer that that person's hoping for is like,
bad, take me away.
Yeah, take me to Des Moines with you when you go.
What, why does...
Okay, let's look at this in the lens of a carnival professional.
Yeah, give me a second.
Okay, all right, go on.
Why do they need...
What information do they need for carnival activities that could be answered?
I mean, it's a grift setup.
Yeah, like there are very few carnival games that I feel like are like,
oh, I've got a fair shot at winning this one.
Everybody without an uncle only has to knock over two milk bottles.
That doesn't make any sense.
I guess it also doesn't make sense that like,
are you trying to figure out if it's a wealthy family?
Yeah.
Or a very gullible family who loves SpongeBob SquarePants?
What kind of family got stupid and rich enough to keep buying frogs
to flip into those stupid late pads?
Let's do it.
He has a hundred to keep the frogs coming, my good man.
I have a grandpa who's very proud and confident
he can roll the bowling ball up the rails
to make it stop in the divot just right
when that will not be the case.
Let me get him.
Let me get him right now.
Let me get him.
Hold on, let me round him up for you.
They all want to try to flip frogs in there.
They all want to win a goldfish.
How about a Yahoo answer?
Whoa.
How about this one from level 9000,
Yadru-Dru-Dru-Dep.
Poor thing you drew.
It's from Yadru-Answers user Rhonda.
Ah, fuck.
There's a banner ad for Destiny 2 at the top
and it's just making me think about the fact
that I'm here doing this instead of...
Have you ever thought about the fact that the logo
at the end of the Destiny is the fidget spinner?
Oh, yeah, all the time.
Anybody here by a show of hands had an actual moment
where they're like, I know I got tickets to this thing.
Bye.
Okay.
I've got to become legend.
Thank you for your honesty.
I had it the moment, too.
Yeah.
Rhonda asks, help me prank my stepdad.
I love my stepdad.
He is so cool.
Probably not.
At the most, a stepdad can be like kind of cool.
Signed Rhonda's stepdad.
I mean...
I mean...
But he claims he is, quote, the king of pranks.
I take it back.
This is a very fucking cool stepdad.
He claims he's the king of pranks.
And so me and my mom want to play a prank on him.
We looked up a few things,
but so far nothing seems good enough.
I thought of doing something to his truck.
Smiley face.
That's fucking...
That's an escalation right there.
I thought about lining the undercarriage of his truck
with C4.
Get it?
But we live on a farm,
and anything we can do outside
might hurt our horses if they get in it.
Wait, wait.
Get in the truck?
Let's go!
Come on, guys.
Why today, horses?
Why today did the horses have to drive
our C4-related truck?
Why did they have to try the trap truck today?
No!
No!
I'm not proud of that.
Anything we can do outside might hurt our horses
if they get in it.
And then there's the emoticon of the colon slash,
so it's like,
my killer horses.
The only thing that makes...
I know you need to finish the question,
but the only thing that makes sense to me
is that this question asker
is envisioning one of those big holes
with vines over it.
Right?
That's what they're saying.
They're making a stepdad trap outside the porch.
What trap are you setting
that you're worried about hurting horses,
but not your stepdad?
Yeah.
Stepdads are typically much more fragile than a horse.
That's not true.
Except on ABC's new comedy,
my stepdad's a horse.
Right on after and before Young Sheldon.
It's all we got.
It's all we got, folks.
Young Sheldon and horse stepdads.
We got 30 minutes of Sheldon
and then 23 hours and 30 minutes of horse torture.
Let me finish the question.
Any suggestions for awesome pranks I can do inside?
Me and my mom, thank you.
Big laughy face in Motocon.
Laugh on.
Can I say my favorite part of this question?
There's so much to love about this question.
How do you pick a favorite?
My favorite part of this question is,
but nothing's good enough.
Nothing's good enough for my stepdad.
Because I said there's two moments where they looked at it
and were like,
not for the king of pranks.
No.
The problem,
I would never call myself the king of pranks
because that's painting a huge...
You wouldn't.
What?
No, it's painting a huge target under your back.
Yeah.
If you say I'm the king of pranks,
you're basically begging to get pranked.
Then you...
That's how you end up in one of those YouTube videos
where they like pretend to throw your son off like a...
I was like,
hilarious.
And I'm at home like,
what the fuck is wrong with...
I made you think our kid died.
What the fuck, guys?
Rain it in.
A pie in the face.
A bucket of water on the door.
Rain it in.
Horses.
That was another get-to-say insert joke here.
Joke to be named later.
Travis, that was a bad bit
because you put those in horse mouths.
Can you...
How do you like them apples?
No, no, no, no, no.
Oats snap.
That was way worse than mine.
Oats snap was better than
how you like them apples
because there's so many creatures that enjoy an apple.
All right, can we get back to the main question?
Whoa!
What?
I'm not even doing them now.
I love your unbridled enthusiasm.
That's pretty good, though.
That's pretty good.
Travis...
Oh, I just got in the latest Gallup poll.
This sucks.
When Travis does this, by the way,
that's when he does to his baby.
So he thinks all y'all's babies.
Okay.
I have an idea for a good prank
that doesn't...
It's not going to hurt your horses.
Thank you.
Stepdad wakes up,
throws off the sheets.
What's wet in my bed?
It's a severed horse head like in Godfather.
Wait, but...
But you said...
But it's not one of your horses.
So it's all...
Okay.
So everything's okay.
Everybody wins.
Everybody wins.
It wasn't...
He'll freak out and then he'll look at the face of the horse
and be like,
Oh, it's not one of my horses.
No harm, no foul.
Good one, Rhonda.
Good one, Rhonda.
You got me.
Oh, you got me.
You got me good.
Okay, it's time for another question.
I was trying to...
There's just so few pranks that won't kill a horse.
Yeah.
One time on April Fool's,
I did the bucket of water on the door frame thing,
but we didn't have a bucket.
And so I used a foot bath
and I filled that motherfucker up.
And then Dad walked into the bathroom
and it fell on him
and it was probably a good 25 pounds of water.
It didn't turn over, right?
It didn't turn over.
It just kind of...
Pretty good prank, though.
We also won.
Got you.
Dad?
One of our pranks was we shut off the main power switch
to our whole house
so it turned off all the alarm clocks in our house.
Got you.
You got fired.
How about a question?
Yup.
I work in a small building that is part of a larger facility.
There are usually only six to eight people
that work in that building.
Often I'm the only one that uses the women's restroom.
Every day the custodian comes and cleans the restrooms
and every day he replaces the partially used-up roll
of toilet paper on the holder in the women's room
with a different partially used-up roll.
I don't know what happens in the men's room.
The answer?
Car stuff.
I've always got an engine block in there
that I'm working on, tinkering.
Car stuff.
I thought for a second you said car talk.
Car talk.
That's where they recorded it.
I know it's a different roll because the pattern
or texture of the paper is different each day.
I don't think...
We're going to circle back.
I don't think we've ever finished up a roll
in the ten years I've been in this building.
The custodian rarely speaks so I can't ask what is going on.
Wait, wait, wait, time out.
Can you raise your hand real quick if you're here?
Wait, can you raise it?
Stand up then.
I can't quite see you.
Are you way in the back?
Wait, so like are you over here?
So dark, right?
Okay, thank you.
Just a little bit of house about me.
Are you standing up?
Oh, so you're right there.
Okay.
Come on.
I'm giving you a look.
There's a lot of you.
Are you waiting for him to broach the subject?
You can explain my toilet weirdness.
You can turn the house lights out now.
Thank you.
This is overwhelming.
There's too many people.
Is there more to the question?
Custodian rarely speaks so I can't ask what is going on.
Why is this happening?
That's from Perplex Paper Partaker.
That's such a nice button to that question.
It says nothing to do with the rest of the question.
Why is it happening?
Well, sometimes life finds a way.
Yeah, just sometimes God, when God closes a door, he introduces a bathroom mystery.
So here's the part, the main thing I want to talk about.
The first issue that I have with this question besides the fact that like, you definitely
can't talk to people that don't talk a lot, right?
We're good on that.
That's actually the people you should talk to.
Yeah.
The best stories, like why they're introducing bathroom mysteries into your life on a daily
basis.
The people that talk a lot give you everything.
The people who don't talk, ooh.
Justin has taken the mic out of his hand.
I just came up with a saying, still waters run deep.
Yeah.
What do you think about that?
No, here's the problem I have with it.
What are you doing?
If I...
Where are you going?
I'm just feeling the stage.
Wow.
Okay, so here's my issue.
Stop, stop, stop.
This is not a big bit.
I'm just wanting to stand up for it.
Okay, so if I...
You say the toilet paper has different patterns.
Act it out, act it out.
Every day.
Thank you, Travis.
It has different patterns every day.
That's not how toilet paper works.
I've never maintained a big facility, but I don't think toilet paper exchange begins
with...
Ah, yes.
Let's see.
Ooh.
The 1978 Charm.
They made quintuple ply that year.
I think also...
It comes in a big fucking pack.
There's like 30 of them.
You work in a building.
I don't understand.
Unless this custodian is robin-hooding it, stealing from the sit-go to give to the...
Your office.
Mm-hmm.
Like, he did...
Like, the first day he showed up, they were like, well, that's everything, and, uh...
Well, there's supposed to be a page in the back here about how to order more toilet paper.
Well, you know what?
I'm sure you'll figure it out, and he didn't.
I just didn't.
I think, okay, so, first of all, you're the only person who uses this bathroom.
First of all, well done.
That's the dream.
Never quit.
You're the only human being who's used that bathroom in ten years.
It's legally yours here.
It's your...
You could definitely live here.
Literal squatters, right.
Um...
If you're the only person that uses that bathroom, wouldn't it be kind of weird if a person came
in every day and could look at how much toilet paper you had...
You and you alone have used that day?
Mm, rough day.
Oh, no.
Like, that...
Okay, but think about this for a second, really.
If they were switching it out when the role was exhausted, they would have, fucking, a
thinking's worth of data about how much you shit in...
It's fucking pee-pee.
Fucking...
Because SOTI and Nate Silver just, like, oh, went through one in four days.
What's going on?
Whoa.
Back off on the broons.
My fucking toilet life was such garbo that it took me a second to think about what would
be a normal amount of time to go through a whole roll of toilet paper.
And when I say normal, I mean people normal.
Not...
Not Griffin.
Not me.
Uh, how about another Yahoo?
Yeah.
Okay, but can I say, actually, please ask him an email list.
Please just ask.
If it's the one about him not wanting to know how much you use the potty, I will just be
eternally delighted.
What if he's so excited and he's just been building a conversation started for ten years,
like, you'll notice.
I thought you were going to say...
They have to notice now, right?
Certainly, it's been ten years they've noticed.
I thought you were going to say he's been building, like, a TP Fort.
Oh, thank you for asking.
Come in.
Look at this stuff.
Is it in me?
Hold on.
No, that sucks.
It's my Pado Prado.
It sucks that I have personified this custodian as a toilet paper collector.
That's no good.
Actually, as a toilet mermaid is what you dreaded.
It's okay, Griffin.
He'll never hear it because he doesn't talk much.
How about another gahu?
Yeah, this one was sent in by the delivery man, Seth Carlson.
Seth, you're here, right?
Yeah!
In that sort of zone, in that region, thank you, Seth.
You are killing it.
Who answers user Blurry301, who asks?
Wait, why did someone clap?
Are you Blurry301?
So, in the emoji movie...
Can other emojis have sex and have kids?
Gotta do this one.
Can y'all answer this?
Yeah, they sure can.
Because two men emojis had a son.
And they probably fucked.
Real quick, I just Googled the emoji movie DreamWorks
just to make sure we weren't burning the troll's tube bridge.
It was just made by Steven's movies.
By that logic, Justin, every character in every animated movie
was the result of sex.
No, please don't link them.
Fucking Lightning McQueen.
You seem like, oh yeah, driving real fast.
Someone had to do it to make him, probably.
No, wait, no, wait.
Did you see Lightning McQueen's parents?
I've never seen a car, but I assume no.
Really? It's really good.
Wait, does anybody know?
No, you don't see Lightning McQueen's parents.
Wait, Travis, I'm trying to IMDB this.
No, we heard a firm no.
No, firm no.
Somebody was very confident.
No!
So that's what I'm saying.
If you don't see their parents, they could just be a creation of God
from mud and ribs, and then he breathed life into them.
Lightning McQueen cannot have ribs.
What?
This car cannot have ribs and bones.
Griffith, hold on.
Have you ever built a car?
I have not.
So for all you know, why are these movies so chicken shit?
Show me the inside out emotions parents making love
before I meet the characters.
And there'd be a little horny emotion, and they'd be like,
We have talked a lot about hornyness.
We're in the horny capital of America, baby.
The Washington Monument is basically a boner.
Finally, someone makes that observation.
So here's the thing.
You saw his parents, and they were both met emojis,
and then he was a met emoji also,
which also makes you think that the emojis can die.
Because if they can fuck, they can die too.
So what I'm saying is that we all try hard enough
we can kill the kids in the emoji movie apparently
because we know they're mortal because they fuck.
Justin, do you think is emoji death when you use it?
What do you mean?
Like in the movie, they're all afraid of getting tapped.
Well, that's sex.
They're all afraid of being used well sometimes.
They probably covered this in the film, Travis.
I don't want to recount the plot of the emoji movie.
My question is, when you were watching the emoji movie,
and there was Patrick Stewart, and he was a little turd,
and everybody else in the theater was delighted,
were you looking and thinking,
that Patrick Stewart turd's going to die one day?
That Patrick Stewart turd was the result of sex,
and is also going to die one day.
Oh, his son's in the movie,
and he's voiced by Patrick Stewart, which is sad also.
Just because Patrick Stewart shouldn't be doing things like that,
he knows better.
Twice.
He voices his own son?
No, I'm sorry I phrased that poorly.
That would be really cool though, you're right.
That would be a great...
That would be a better movie.
That would have been the one fine artistic choice they had made.
Well, why would they need to give the...
It's still the shit emoji.
Why does it need a better voice?
Like, it should be the same voice.
Wait, that would indicate that they are reproducing,
like if they don't have discreet genetic material.
Dude, all these characters are fucking Justin.
We've covered it.
There's a movie called Storks, which I watched some of,
because it was on, and Henry was watching it,
and then I kind of watched it a little bit more.
He walked in, and Henry was like,
Check it out, dads!
Yo, yo, I finally figured it out.
It's birds or whatever.
But in that one, they get letters.
They're like, I want a baby, and they put it in a machine,
and then a baby comes out.
I am now recounting the plot of Storks.
My life has taken a strange turn.
And I saw that, and I thought, bullshit,
there's some kids watching this, they're like,
you used to be a letter, and it's like,
uh-uh, their parents fucked.
You need to learn about this stuff someday.
It could be both.
This live show is taking a really fucking weird turn.
Okay, but in the plot of Boss Baby, and...
Be cool, everyone.
Be cool, everybody.
They divide babies into babies that would be good at business.
In heaven.
Sorry, it's in heaven.
They divide babies that would be good at business,
and babies that deserve families.
This is some applause.
If you've seen this fucking movie,
please cheer if I'm telling the truth.
Thank you.
This is some fucked up, the givers shit.
Yeah.
Babies that are good at business, and babies that deserve families,
which on a certain level, I get it.
Because there'll be people who are good at business.
They don't deserve families.
Do you ever see a baby doing business,
and also with a family, and you just think,
how do they do it?
They have it all.
They have it all.
God, we just talked about the emoji movie for ten minutes.
No.
It's coming in hot.
Hold on, there's a hot one coming in.
It's coming in hot, direct to me, where I took a screenshot.
Hold on.
Looking at Justin's pictures?
No, you're looking at this picture.
It's a haunted doll watch.
This is coming in hot.
Wait, go back.
What?
Sorry?
I just want to enjoy it one more time.
This is not good audio, so we'll just be quick about this part.
This is the haunted doll we're talking about today.
It is Nativius.
Okay.
Nice non-haunted name to start out with.
Nativius?
Nativius.
So this is from a paranormal investigation group
that photographs private homes, hopefully with consent.
Come on in.
Police.
Photograph all my stuff.
Stranger.
Just let me know if anything's weird or whatever.
So here's the Nativius story.
Spiritual position.
Every Christmas I love going to church
and hearing the Nativius story
of the spooky baby Jesus.
So Nativius' original whereabouts are mystery to Carla.
Now that's a...
I've heard some pretty good opening lines to the novels before.
That's a very good opener.
All she knows is that one day she came home from work
and there in her fenced in backyard was this doll.
Well that sucks.
Nice.
Nah, cool.
Free doll.
Free ghost.
Also I love that there could be no other explanation.
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, somebody threw it over your fucking fins.
I borrowed that one.
Cause it was haunted.
She was lying on the grass under the bird bath.
Carla was baffled as to how this doll even got into her locked
eight foot tall fence.
So suck an egg.
Nobody can throw a doll eight feet.
She checked it.
It was a bird.
Toads.
It was Aaron Rogers.
Green Bay Packers Quarter.
That was the only one.
I gotta get rid of this fucking doll.
She checked with all her neighbors
but no one knew anything about the doll.
Now fucking hold the phone.
You're telling me that somewhere on earth
someone got to have the delight of...
Green.
Hello.
My name is Carla.
Did you drop this doll?
I believe it has paranormal...
proximity.
She was really intrigued with this doll.
She wasn't a collector of such items.
But for...
If you're a collector of haunted items
and you find another haunted item
I do not trust you very much.
Who isn't a collector of them
and sees a doll and goes ghost doll?
Yeah, cool ghost doll.
I've never had experience with this before
but why wouldn't I assume?
She felt this strong pull of energy
almost freezing her in place for a moment.
Carla immediately knew this was something bigger
than she had ever experienced.
Justin, can I say my favorite word
in that whole thing?
Ejaculation?
No.
Almost?
Almost.
Almost freezing her in place.
Almost.
But it didn't.
But it didn't.
If I could have sworn for a second
I almost could have been frozen.
Freezing was on the table.
It was an option I could have taken.
Carla called her friends at night
and told them what she found.
Most of her friends laughed off the whole
spooky doll thing.
But Carla's one friend, Mia, said
I'll be over tomorrow
and we'll try to speak with her.
This is the fucking mumblecore of haunted...
on adult stories.
I do like...
and maybe this is just miswording
but Carla's one friend, Mia.
Yeah, Carla's one friend, Mia.
One real friend.
One real friend.
If you can't, like, Carla, at her worst
you don't deserve her when she calls you
to say, hey, Green Bay Packers quarterback
Aaron Rodgers threw a doll over my eight foot fence
will you come check this shit out with me?
I love this running theme of
can you imagine if you're one of her other friends
who gets the call like, hey,
this is gonna seem random but...
I'm not a haunted doll.
What?
I only hear from you when you have haunted dolls.
You never ask about Jeffrey.
So this late, so Carla heard a loud noise.
She found nothing out of place.
That's not a story.
That's not a story really.
I thought something happened but it didn't anyway.
I swear to God.
The next evening Carla's friend, Mia, came over.
This is the only haunted doll story I've read
that had fucking time lapses.
So anyway, nothing happened for a little bit.
What?
And also, Mia was going through some shit.
And then Mia's boyfriend was like, the baby's not mine.
Carla had already told her what happened last night.
Mia was ready to question this doll.
She had to really psych herself up.
Yeah.
They set up an old, small VHS video recorder
for reasons that are just beyond me.
Because it's 1988.
They turned the lights off and lit a bunch of candles.
They sat at the kitchen table with the doll
in the middle of the table.
They began to ask all sorts of questions,
but nothing was happening.
I wish there was a period there.
That was the end of the listing.
So anyway, give me $40 for this.
Mia pulled, okay.
All of a sudden, Mia jumped out of her chair
and yelled, ouch.
Mia pulled her shirt away from her shoulder
and there on her shoulder blade
was three fresh scratch markings
that were just jokes,
but then she got real.
Did she die?
What if the next sentence was,
and then my friend, my only friend,
Mia did die?
Well, to be fair, this is all written in second person.
Yeah.
And then Carla's friend, Mia, died.
Hang in there. It's about to take a quick turn.
We heard, okay, we started
to watch the video the women had made.
So this is like switched person now.
What the fuck is fourth person?
It was two hours and 52 minutes long.
Okay.
Hold on.
It was directed by Peter Jackson.
You're watching this video with your friends.
At what point in the two hours and 52 minutes
you're like, we should do something else.
Can we please do anything else?
Whose idea was this?
So at some point in the video, a little over an hour,
whoosh, you made it that far.
We heard a woman's voice.
It was raspy with a touch of southern accent in it.
Nice.
Hey, y'all.
Like the lady who used to narrate
great chefs of the east.
What?
What?
No, that was me editorializing.
When they asked her name to these voices or whatever,
the word
Navideus was spoken
and the woman started using her name,
Navideus, to ask questions.
And then they received more responses.
We heard that your 1892 spoken
and asked what year she was born.
She would never give a year to the death,
but she did use the word noose
when asked how she died.
How do you say the name was Navideus?
And like
late 1800s is where you think
Navideus came from.
Navideus is
this is the end of the listing.
There's a lot more.
I'm giving you the abridged.
Navideus is absolutely not a doll
for the beginner.
I don't feel as though Navideus is harmful.
We do feel
that she has negative energy about her
and this should be taken into serious consideration
before bidding on her
doll stand not
included.
So that's your home of doll watch.
How can you say?
I got a Samsung 55 inch
I'm trying to upgrade at the 4k television.
Also, it scratched my friend
real bad on the shoulder.
No negative energy though.
It scratched the fuck out of my friend,
but do get this TV.
It's fucked up one way or the other
because you're either saying it scratched my friend
but we haven't got any proof
or we haven't got any proof
but I think she's terrible.
She hasn't done anything.
It's cool. It's fine.
Hi folks, Travis here.
I sure hope
you're enjoying this live show episode.
We had so much fun recording it.
You may find yourself wondering
why are we putting up the DC episode
when we recorded the New York show first.
We're saving that just for a little bit.
It will go up. We didn't lose it.
There were no problems with the audio or anything like that.
But you're going to get the DC episode
when we recorded the New York show first.
We're saving that just for a little bit.
It will go up. We didn't lose it.
We didn't lose anything like that.
But you're going to get the DC show first.
If you came out to the shows
or even if you weren't able to make it
I just want to say
Brooklyn, DC
and Boston were all so amazing.
Thank you all so much
for having us and coming out and supporting the show.
Looking forward to all our
future tours.
But I do want to take a second here
to tell you about some of our sponsors this week.
First, we're sponsored by
my brother and my brother and me
favorite and friend Nature Box.
I took Nature Box
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We're also sponsored this week
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I use Blue Apron all the time
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I got a special personal message here
in the Jumbotron section
this message is for Darla and
Stephon and it's from
Dory Jo.
Dear Darla and Stephon
happy anniversary I couldn't think of a better
way to appreciate you both
than to have it said by our favorite
three wise men well hopefully I'm the favorite
because it's just me thank you for
introducing me to this fountain of truth
also known as MB&B
fountain of truth that's really good
very clever congratulations
on four years of successfully married life
here's to many more I love
you your favorite sister Dory Jo
that's so sweet
hey
congratulations to you Dory Jo
being a great sister
I also have another message here this is for
Evan and it's from your middle
sister Emma and your sweet baby brother Will
happy birthday Ev we
love you so much we wanted the Mackle boys
well once again just me
to acknowledge your birthday after all
it's your fault we love them so much
here's to 26 more years of
being the world's best sister and the oldest
member of the world's second best
three some of siblings so thank you
everybody um we're gonna
get back into the show now
I I hope you're enjoying it
and I hope you continue to
hi there I'm comedian
and movie buff Ricky Carmona
and I'm excited to tell you about a new show I'm doing
called Who Shot Ya
join me LA Weekly Film Critic
April Wolf I'm gonna call Star Wars and it
comes out the Clint Howard project
film reviews editor for the rap Alonzo
Derrally everything Charlize Theron knows about
killing somebody with a high heeled shoe
she learned from single white female
and our dope ass friends
each week I think we need to
end this pernicious
belief in our
society that there is anything
remotely f***able about rich
dudes who are emotionally unmanable
so if you're tired of wack opinions
and you're looking for smart funny
film discussion show check out
Who Shot Ya son that's what we do
and you can find us at
maximumfund.org or wherever you get
your podcasts
uh what do you want to do
audience question let's do some audience questions
let's do a lot alright
we'll call house lights
we will call on some folks if we can get some house
lights so we can see any
of them I see
like forehands but
uh alright let's start on the right
side I see somebody holding a hat
up person who's holding
a hat up because of your creative
flagging technique
can we get a little bit more house
a little bit less us
it's extremely us
yeah intimate
there's just not a good way for you to do this
is there friend I've got baby
fingerprints I was yeah
you walking around keep coming around
you're doing great
I've got baby fingerprints
you want to do let's do alright we'll do
first and then we'll do you yeah yeah hi
hi hello hi
my name is Marco you can angle
the mic down if you want yeah if you could
thank you hi Marco a long
time listener first time question asker
thank you for thank you for joining us um
um so I work
at a local east hardware
and it's great so glee owned so
I got to meet a lot of people you know
super great it's great because do you have a section
is there like a certain area there yeah I mix
paint nice
it sounds so fun yeah it is
it is a lot of fun but you people ever
just say like surprise me
um I feel like when they're
surprised it's probably bad
can I ask you can I ask you a question
that you'll probably have like a dope answer
for sure what's your favorite
color
because I bet it and my expectations
are sky high right now
standard liver mark you know reds
that are like like the most
red but not like pink
but like red yeah
yeah hell yeah
sure
what's the what's the
for our listeners at home hey
yeah bro
the most red
what's the hex code like what are we working with here
okay so
I need a Hennessy and ginger ale please
thank you
uh so what's your question
so um I love my job but
uh around closing time
we get a lot of dads who need
welcome mats like
what
why that I'm sorry
sorry sorry a person in the other hand
we are not getting to you this evening
this will be 30 minutes
uh explain
everything explain yourself hold on
I got you comfortable and Paul's not back
for my drink yet we need to stall
by which I mean uh we get a lot of people
who come in like 40
15 minutes before we close
but is it dad's wanting welcome mats though
yeah that happened yesterday
uh I
I people come over
10
um how are they gonna know they're welcome
you're
you're laughing but that's literally
what he came in for because he had a party
oh my god
can you think people will walk up and be like
oh bye
fuck me I guess
I'm the asshole all right
bye
I got all this buffalo dip
it's all for me
Jeff fuck you
okay are you asking how to kick people out of an ace
hardware
kind of what we do right now is we'll
turn all the music off and we'll start turning off
lights
but I was wondering is there any songs that you had
any ideas of that would help to push people out
the door
yeah
what about a time of closing
thanks pal
is there a song called we're sold out of lumber
I was thinking um
oh are you gonna answer it
no
I have thought about this a lot
and I was thinking like what's the song
roll em out put em out
put em up
yeah raw hide
raw hide
double the volume of it every 30 seconds
and slow it down
until it is like
weaponized
can I tell you a story of my own
when I used to work at blockbuster video
it's a weird show we do that that gets
a round of a piano
is it somewhere a blockbuster
was like huh
what
PJ blockbuster of the blockbuster
estate
but anyway I used to work at blockbuster and they would be open
until midnight on holiday
because for some reason New Year's Eve
was the second biggest
movie rental night after
that's a bum right
it gets worse
Thanksgiving correct Travis
and whoever else said it
it's for kids to keep the kids
smoke cigars
with your family
wrapped in plastic
so anyway
I was working there and they would be open until
fucking midnight on New Year's Eve
and one time I
watched the ball drop on this
staticky TV
while
a woman
cruised the Woody Allen movie
and she was like
unaware
of the fact that it was midnight
at the end of this year
and a new one was kicking off
and this is how she was
ringing it in
and I had a moment where I thought
which one of us sucks more
I was judging her
and I was wearing like
khakis at midnight
and a tucked in blue button down
like fuck me for real
are there worse pants than
khakis to ring in the New Year's
you're setting a bad precedent
for your year
I think very loved Rawhide is going to get the job done
alright thank you
thank you
let's go left side
yes you've been waiting very patiently
hey what's up
what's your name
so
I have this friend and she's a really good friend
of mine
yeah so far so good
and she has this really big crush on this guy
that we work with
because we all work together I don't want to name names but we'll just call him Kyle
so she has this
really big crush on Kyle
now Kyle doesn't think that dating at work is okay
and I date somebody that I work with
and I wasn't sure who's right here
is it okay to date people you work with
or is that a no go
this is a real one
sorry
sorry if this is a bummer I don't know
it's a real one
the answer to this question
is
it's okay to date people who want to date you
yeah pretty much end of
yeah
it's like
this has never made sense to me
unless it's against company policy trends
that shit will conform around you
it's all malleable
it's just like
it is
if you do want a job though
I can't imagine a human being
you gotta listen to me
I mean really listen
money is exchanged for goods and services
let's start there
okay so and you need that
and sometimes they say don't
and you may really love the person
but you also love the new sketchers
and you want to buy them
with the money you got for labor
so like you can't
like following so far
no that's the end
but here's the thing
can you imagine a human person boss
that you went like I'm in love with this person
and they said
yeah I can
oh no I've been working for myself for too long
it's 2017
I can imagine a lot of things
traffic
I'm sorry
maybe they're right
or you're right
it doesn't make sense because you spend like the most time
with these people
of course you're gonna fall in love
man
what's more human than that
you could okay
let me hit you with this
no we're not dating
but we're very much in love
that's the dream
dating's a label love is unbreakable
think about that
that didn't make any sense
but I'm gonna put it on a coffee mug and sell it
Justin's been looking for his love
his love his love for like a month
he's been workshopping a lot
thank you Ian
yes you're jumping up
someone down
you're gonna play
you're gonna play pinko
hi what's your name
he's Drew Carey turning into Bob Barker
let's not he got bit
and it's a whole like and throw up situation
hi what's your name
hi Anna
I probably know weed is legal in DC now
what
hi
I swear to god
I didn't know that
we walked down a line of
1000 of you mother fuckers
and my pockets are empty
by the way
we've been trying to find
a good way to do meet and greets
and that was not
exactly it because I've never
had a panic attack quite like
running through two lines of people
six inches apart like
at one point it did form
around us
we were swallowed
by the whale
DC is awesome
DC rules and
so I'm trying to get a cannabis card
because I'm very above board and also don't know
to where to find it
is it recreational or medical
okay
are you human
oh wait wait you said it's not recreational
it's medical
oh Griffin are you okay
oh god it's just like
sometimes
I get nervous
okay so what's
my problem is that I need a physician
and since I'm in college
I don't have a grown up physician yet
as I see it my options
are two fold
you want me to get my wife out here hold on
no no no
it's about to get very good
come right a week on for this person
please
she's not coming
now I don't know that but I do know that
please explain the options because I know what the options are
and I'm thrilled to death
I can either
try to meet a new physician
day one
give me the other option
hold on hold on
hold on I know what the next one is
tell me please
or I can go to my pediatrician
I believe you mean
pediatrician
your pediatrician
looks like
made it
thank you so much for all of you being that one
to me by the way
um
yeah here's the thing
I got really spoiled living in LA
because literally every other building
had a green like medical
cross on it
and that green medical cross basically means
yes sure
because you would walk in and you would literally go
well sometimes I have trouble falling asleep
and they're like yep go go go
we don't get your 25
dollars unless we hand you the paper
yeah fuck it what do you
give me a fake name here but I need
for the purpose of this bit I must know your pediatrician's name
doctor
assume it's fake
um
let's say doctor toboggan
doctor toboggan
but see he sounds like he would
fucking like measure you
like oh you're going nice and big and strong
and then he would give you a safety
pop and then
hook you up with
the green stuff
he sounds like he would sell you
weed
oh you seem so big and strong
like these plants I've grown are you cool
you're not a narc are you
you have to tell me
you're not a cop hey sit down on the race car
you're not a cop are you
doctor let's let me check your
let me uh let me just put the stethoscope in there
and just check for a wire
doctor toboggan the
weedie attrition is so clean
yeah and rad and powerful
like I'm inspired
by the idea of this thing
that we have all created here tonight
that's a Netflix show
doctor toboggan the weedie attrition
I need to make some edits to my SNL audition
reel
so anyway
I'm doctor toboggan the weedie attrition
that's my Jack Nick
okay
it's also Jack Nickolas
Jack Nickolas
the golden bear for sure
how did we get there
please do this
do it
can they do it? a pediatrician is a doctor
so they can do it
do you think they might tell somebody
who you maybe don't want to know
that your parents
or just whoever
but your parents can't give you shit you need
the doctor said
hey doctor toboggan said
you know he's family friend
big out of my mind
I didn't want to watch adventure time for
six hours
I want to
I also don't like Teen Titans go
I don't know what you want me to do
I do love Teen Titans go
when I first went to college
my mom was the one who recommended that I start smoking weed
fuck yeah
your mom
this is toboggan
that help
yes
great
wait
yeah
wait
I want to pick one right there
it looks like your hair is pink
please stand up I can't tell
come on down
hi
what's your name? my name is Rene
hi Rene
my partner and I are in a long distance relationship
we've been together for six months
how long?
no how long distance
oh they live in Canada
sure
don't do the thing
do you get that every time?
yeah
I'm so funny in original
so my question is
do you guys have any tips
on how we might do a long distance meet
the parents
oh
he would be meeting my mom
this is the most
you're not meeting each other
we have
he and I have met
have you charted
the exact geographic
midpoint between the two
if you make a hole with a gun perpendicular
through the name of your town and the desktop globe
where's the exit wound
is it about
I have not made that calculation
to find the exact meeting point
because that's one option is you just drive to
the nearest rest stop
otherwise this is the
most high stakes teleconference
and it'll fail
have you met skype
it's definitely gonna fuck up
I'm sorry hold on
so you are meeting their parent
he would be meeting my mom
he has to come to your mom
yeah
there is not a world in which you say to mom
you have to come halfway
she doesn't
no I think we're talking about
a teleconference situation
your partner is not gonna be like
I'm gonna put on this funny
filter
that's really gonna win your mom's over
tuxedo
t-shirt
this one makes it look like I have a big bird on my head
because I'm
listen I'm serious about this Pamela
do you hear me
I love this person
that's tough that's a tough put
why did you decide to do it like right now
instead of like at a time where you all were like together
um
who knows when we will all be together
yeah good point it's true
Jesus
shut up
oh I thought you were saying Jesus like
wow that's a deep question but no Jesus
yeah Jesus knows
I'm sure Jesus does know
God knows
do you guys want to get real deep
in religion
but you know after
373
episodes it's important that you know
we've been deeply religious
the whole time
I would just wait
to do it until
anticipation has had a maximum for both
because
what
sorry you want to interrupt my thing with another thing
no go on I stopped myself
no I don't know
you already did it
my joke is still good
hire someone
shitty
have them talk
to the parent first
and your parents are like oh they're terrible
this is sound pretty good actually
so low
then partner steps in
and is like I'm actually first
and then the mom is being really
shitty to the partner and then you're like
gotcha and you bring in the real mom
and then they meet each other
like each other a lot
neither one of them are the real one
they've both been
double punked on my new show
double punked
hi I'm Ashton Kutcher
I'm Ashton Kutcher too
the sequel for double punked
I actually like the bad one
does that help
it does absolutely great
let's get a middle
friend
yes
there's no mic here though
that's our first double punked
experience
hello
hi what's your name
Leslie
okay do I need to back up
no you're great don't worry about it
talking to the microphone nailed it
I just yeah
anyway so I work in a coffee shop
and the majority
of my customers that come in
are very nice
I see them every day
but
one percent of the time
they're kind of dicks
like
they'll fucking sass at me
if it's like they give me change
well I'm already making them change
and then question my intelligence
which
no it's not nice
so
what is the best way
to confront somebody who's being a dick
to you
without just like cousin amount
like what's the best
way to like confront somebody
and make them not realize
that you're actually
like fuck you to them
have you uh real quick
have you
heard our show before or heard us
or experienced us as people
today I thought that you all would be
good
here's my sick
maybe you all would be really good at that
here's my sick one you're ready for this
first off one percent of people
congratulations
congratulations on your miraculous
slice of humanity you've carved off for yourself
here's my one you're ready
because this gets fucking nasty everybody strap in
okay
when somebody's a dick to you
here's what I like to do really fucking
I am nicer to them
to try to make up for
whatever imagines like
that I've done to make them not like me
oh shit
and then if that doesn't do anything
that's okay
alright hold on I want to throw mine to you
because if those don't work
what I like to do is remember
that soon they'll be gone
and I can forget
the guy who did that was all this fuck so
no we're not talking about death
not death what
no I mean from
for once we are not talking
about death we're talking about them leaving
the cafe
do people die when they leave your
store are you like a goldfish
if they're out of your cone of vision they've died
I didn't mean that
that
once they leave my store they leave for life
that's right
you're banned start putting
okay don't say anything
but they do have a big list with pictures
behind you of people who are banned from
store so when they come back
assuming nothing's wrong you can just
point like uh let me consult my chart
you sit inside and not outside
let them walk in the door
like
look up there
Tim
I just wanted a croissant
be nicer next time
just based on the situation that they are
coming to you and standing in the same place
to deliver this bullshit every time
this is a perfect trap door installation
situation
so rarely is somebody
griefing you where you know
where they're gonna be when they're doing it
yeah
bad egg bye
bye Veruca
you're gone
yes yes yes thank you
thank you
I think
there's a shrimp heaven now shirt
orange
orange shirt with the poster
yeah yeah yeah come on down
I promise we didn't pick you just because
you bought merch
that is a bad precedent hi what's your name
hey will
I will say will it is a shrimp heaven
now sure which I said
you look
there's a lot of people here wearing shrimp heaven now
shirts in your defense
what's your question
okay
so
I do improv comedy
excellent
wait we're just gonna kick it up here
and you take it away
no this
so whenever I
like introducing myself and I mentioned
that I do improv comedy everyone's first
reaction is why don't you do some
right now
really
that's not my
instinct
you just try the polar
opposite reaction
for my own
they say they say
okay you're at the DMV
they just want some fucking
who's line like right now
they take it as a challenge
why
that doesn't happen if you say you're a surgeon
cut my butt off
get my liver out
alright oh he's not gonna do it
what's your
question
do I just say no
yeah
absolutely no
you say give me a situation
imagine I'm a guy who tells you to fuck off
no come on
what about Andrew Dice Clay
up here we're trying to be
nice fellas I think you should get a type 5
together
just have material ready
do you know what improv is
you can't get a type 5
no listen you change the names and stuff
that's exact
or you can do like or you do this thing
I came up with this thing where it's like
um um
like you're trying to think of it but you know
okay so I'm doctor toboggan
just like
I think here's the answer
you do it
but they have to play with you
that's it you need a partner
I need a partner sure I need a partner
fucking dead eye to say sure I need a partner
now okay but
well if they say
yes hang on for the ride
96% of the time
they're gonna say no oh well
I don't feel comfortable doing it
that 4% will fucking get you every time
and I'm Wayne Brady
here's the thing I straight up
if anyone ever does this to you
just point at wherever you're standing
because I guarantee it's not a stage
yep and you're fine
like what circumstances is this coming up
at the coffee shop at a bar
at a quinceanere
like where are you they're like
this is you go
where are you they're like
do it now
and it's appropriate
okay but aren't you failing in it
why did you take up the mantle of improv
comedian I assume it was to entertain
and that doesn't just happen on a large scale
oh what if you just started miming
oh that's good
yeah I like that
oh my thing
I will start my thing
you're not gonna like my thing
as soon as I start I cannot stop
does that help
yes thank you
alright one more one more
one more
somebody's now pointing to their poster
I told you it doesn't work like that
how about
on the aisle with two hands in the air
with that yeah yeah yeah jumping up
yeah you got it
make your way to the, again I picked somebody
for this from the mic
oh no no no sorry sorry sorry
okay okay you're going to the bathroom
you're going to the bathroom oh my god no
I'm so sorry
fuck
I've never felt worse
here my brother my brother and me I fucked up again
it's me Justin
Jesus I'm so sorry
I've never felt worse than I do on this one
fuck so Bob
I hope they keep going
just keep running
don't come back
you have to move
move away
I'm so sorry
we don't do that
that's my deepest fear and I just realized it
on a person
that sucks hi
my fears large
hi what's your name
hi my name is Casey
are you fucking sure you want to listen to us
about anything
Casey we did such a
we did such a bad job
our crayons in the duty part
alright Casey go ahead
okay
so I got grifted
last year
three juggle butts
call me out for going to the bathroom
sorry Casey
what happened
last year I was moving so I was getting rid of
all the garbage that I had
collected over the years
my dad
worked at
grocery stores his entire life
and so he would come home
and just like throw display shit
at me and be like this is a present
and I'm like okay
he gave me like
a lego kebler elf at one point
and
the only place that it fit was
at the top of my big dresser
and it stared at me as I slept as a child
and I hated it for all my life
I am I want you to know
yeah this is a fucking good story Casey
this is way better than the haunted doll that Justin
said
it was definitely haunted
so I decided to
get rid of it last year and I put it on
Craigslist for like five bucks
and nobody
like responded to it for days
makes sense
realized you didn't want it for many years
and you're like you know someone else might
want it
well you see about like a week
past and I started getting
like text messages nonstop
first this kebler elf
and I'm like
I already moved at this point
and it was at my mom's house
and my mom can bring it to you I guess
and he's like okay and so they agreed on a place
and gave my mom five bucks and went on their separate ways
but after this
I googled like I wonder why everybody's
so excited about this kebler elf
it was worth three hundred dollars
oh
hold on
to who
yeah let me KZ
I can put your fears to rest
let me authentically say no it wasn't
what website did you go to
you lost 295 bucks
and that's tough
that's a
that's a Nintendo switch that's a bad B
it's a PlayStation
but you also
missed the opportunity of meeting
the most specific pervert
who has ever lived
and that is the real crime
because here's the thing
that value
sounds like
gained in a week
because you put it up and everyone's like
no and then some
news broke
and then suddenly
three hundred
dollars what happened
if you have a weird fucking thing
and you never seen one before
have you ever seen another one
no next time
and this is gonna help
you should google it first
do the google
it's not hard and it is free
you can google anything you want nobody
I've always wanted to meet
this is my new pbs show
weird fucking shit roadshow
yeah I've always wanted to meet
the person on antiques roadshow was like
whoa this boat's worth a billion dollars
what
a week ago for five
shit
here's a picture of a boat I used to have
is it worth three hundred dollars
for you to know that you will never have to interact
with this fucking lego elf again though
right
it was worth nothing to you you got five
dollars that's like five thousand
percent I don't know how that works
zero to five but
it was nothing to
actually infinite
yeah infinite gain congratulations
kasey you've gained infinite
no matter how much more it sells after that
yeah you've gained did we
help thank you kasey thank you kasey
let's wrap up I am
gonna die from pee inside me
okay this is the second night in a row
last night Griffin actually had to walk off stage
not tonight though yeah don't tell the story
that's taking a precious p seconds from my life
thanks to John Roderick the long winter streamer
theme song it's a departure I'll be out
putting the days to bed
thank you to the listener theater for having us
this place is really beautiful
Griffin deep breath you're probably some posters
out there thanks maximum fun
org for hosting us thank you
saw bones for opening
thank you thank you of course to all of
our families yeah coming in
and supporting we're probably not gonna be
we're really not gonna be hanging out because we have a pretty
early flight tomorrow flying up to Boston
and it was so cool to see you all
we saw a lot of you out before the show and that
was really high fives
thank you to the person that gave me three
sour patch kids I was very cool of you
thank you
thank you to Paul
Sam of AEG
for bringing me a drink
Griffin I want to hear that
thank you to everyone
so yeah this final one is from the delivery man
Seth Carlson thank you Seth
from y'all who answers user Kyle
in all caps who says
who screams probably
as a vegan
can you believe it's September already
my name is Justin McElroy
I'm Travis McElroy
I'm Griffin McElroy
this has been my brother my brother me
kiss your dad square on the lips
take my water
I'm Allegra Ringo and I'm Renee Colbert
and we host a podcast called can I pet your dog
Renee can I tell you about a dog I met this week
I wish that you would in turn though
can I tell you about a dog hero
may I tell you about a dog breed
in a segment I like to call month minute
I would love that
could we maybe talk about some dog tech
could we have some cool guests on
like Lin-Manuel Miranda, Nicole Byer and Ann Wheaton
I mean yeah absolutely
I'm Ann you're on board
what do you say we do all of this and put it into a podcast
yeah okay you think
should we call it like I don't know
can I pet your dog sure
what do you say we put it on every Tuesday
on maximum fun or on iTunes
sounds good to me
meetings over